Hi T.M.,

thank you for your very insightful and honest share.

This is powerful for this community.

Mel 🙏💞🦋

For what it’s worth, though I’ve experienced a great deal of narcissistic abuse as a victim of a bigger badder monster, and thus it’s helpful for me to read up on how to process it (and there aren’t really any articles for or by narcs on how to heal lol), I definitely, definitely have always been more on the narcissistic end of the spectrum, personally. Like, at least 70% NPD by volume, give or take some levels of toxicity and/or violence which I refuse to go to. In other words, I sound kinda like that guy. So, with that said, here’s my two cents:

While I, personally, have worked to heal-from-within, it is for MY reasons, and it is IN NO WAY with the end goal of being good, loving, OR useful in an intimate or even friendly sense to anyone BUT myself or people who resonate deeply with what my Inner Self — who is STILL narcissistic — needs. I am in fact “just like this” due to a limited range of emotional processing, and a truly NATURAL aversion to a lot of things which normal human bonding continges on. People really do get built different sometimes, and that’s that. In other words, similar to non-narcs, I DO need to heal from within, and I DO need to be true to myself. But this is always going to be different from how non-narcs heal or what their goals are.

Unlike most narcs, I would prefer to go abuse-free and live a clean, healthy life with mutually loving, uplifting, beneficial, and fulfilling relationships. Unlike most NORMAL people, my idea of what that means and entails is a bit different, and my patience threshold for other people’s needs and desires is much, much lower. I can barely tolerate playing nice with somebody who can’t “serve my needs” for more than 10 minutes, so I tend to politely distance myself very quickly from just about everybody.

So, I’d advise you not to attempt to heal or try to make amends with someone whose needs are not mutually compatible with your own, especially not somebody with a notable amount of narc traits. Even IF, and that’s a BIG if, they’re a narc who is willing and able to heal, I can almost guarantee that not only will your participation in their healing NOT help you, they will not enjoy your presence in that sphere and might even HIGHLY resent it. I’m very unhappy when “normal people” attempt to love and connect with me in “normal ways,” because whether they know or understand why or not, their idea of a healthy, safe, and loving bond absolutely is not and cannot be the same as mine. It’s the same as trying to force ANY type of person to do something that they don’t enjoy, for the purpose of gratifying another person. It feels bad. For example, even if you love kids, trying to force someone who hates them into having kids with you will only make things much worse for all parties involved.

I’m unwilling to disclose the kinds of people with whom I CAN have mutually loving and rewarding relationships because I don’t want to sow false hope or tacitly encourage injured parties to attempt to adopt a false self in order to appease a narcissist, or even overextend past their natural comfort threshold. Like I said, it’s a bad idea, and MOST forms of normal human connection (for me, at least) feel like unwanted advances (and I’d suspect it’s the same for most narcs, unless we can leverage them into a form of tool that we can use. I personally do not consider that lifestyle worthwhile, but most narcs do, and few know of any other options anyway). And there is no form of unwanted advances OR being used as a tool that will ever be healthy, fun, safe, or sane. But, what I CAN say is, these are relationships founded on mutual respect and prosocial principles, so I can at least reassure any concerned readers that there isn’t any doubling down and getting even more toxic in private with enablers.

It is my personal belief that it is best to focus less on rehabilitating a narcissist for intimate relationships, and more on providing sustainable strategies for community participation, and that will always have more to do with streamlining society itself in a prosocial direction than attempting to heal the heart of anyone who shows a high amount of narcissistic traits. My relationships were begun after I had begun to heal on my own, and are perpetuated through voluntary cooperation on my part, and involve a great deal of routine check-ins on my part, and an insistence on clarity, respect, and communication. This is because I chose that. For many reasons, most narcissists don’t, and probably won’t.

So, I’d suggest redirecting your desire to see the best in him onto ways in which to facilitate a healthier community where people LIKE him can be seen in the big picture for what AND who they are, without punishing or abusing them for it, nor putting any innocent individual at risk in the process. It is my belief that both demonizing AND attempting to heal narcissists worsen the issue, but much like cleaning up a city park, a cleaner space is a cleaner society.

Hi Lisa,

If you google my name plus this topic you will find the resources that I have created about this topic.

I hope that this helps.

Mel 🙏💞🦋

Hi Sasy,

yes it is.

Are you able to connect to my free 2 part masterclass – http://www.recoverhealthrive.com ?

This will help you understand how to come home into your body and heal.

Mel 🙏💞🦋

And I’m feeling very numb is that normal????

Hiya Peter and Mel t thank-you great listening to you all I’m now going through the stage we’re hes mental torture me and treats that he’s getting someone 😢 else and he’s calling me name’s he’s beat me 5 times I’ve finally got strength to leave him so hopefully I can keep going melamine thankyou so so much you’ve given me this strength I’m still afraid 😨 😱 but I’ll keep going blessings sasy x

Hi Peter,

oh just saw this!

I’m so pleased you got through this okay, and that the outcome was positive!

Mel 🙏💞🦋

Hi Flower Child,

you are very welcome 🙂

Please know “what” someone else is or isn’t is not at all important. What is, is healing ourselves, aligning with our values and boundaries and generating what is true and real for ourselves.

This is what IS black and white,

and it all comes down to doing the inner work, so that we are no longer trying to work out other people – which we really can’t do – other than defining whether or not they have the desire, capacity and resources to meet us at a level of true, healthy relationship. Without this we dont have a healthy relationship – and we absolutely need to be able to be a generative source of this ourselves (the inner work gets us there).

Have you checked out my new 2 part masterclass? It can help you so much in the understanding of this http://www.healrecoverthrive.com

Mel 🙏💞🦋