*****

Im hearing about all the lies and BS you have talked behind my back, the sideways comments you’ve made about me in the past when I thought everything was great, how you’ve had to bite YOUR tongue when everyone around you has to walk on eggshells! You have made me out to be some “crazy b!tch” like all of your other ex’s “supposedly” were….as if you are the victim! Nevermind all the head trips and twisted games you’ve played to drive us to be that f#cking crazy! How ironic; what’s the common denominator of us all- YOU! You are a lying, manipulative, self-serving, poor example of anything close to what a real man should be and you KNOW it! You are fully aware that you hurt and wreck havoc on people, controlling, confusing, deceiving them and deep down you like it, love it…it makes you feel good! Being so abusive and neglectful behind closed doors ….all the while acting so cool, laid back and funny in front of others- unless of course you are challenged and the raging maniac rears its ugly head before you can control it! You have empathy for no one, that makes you a monster! But I’ve read and learned…. then stepped back and observed how you act.I recognized these things in you recently and I see you now for what you are and I mean I REALLY SEE YOU and am shamed that i was ever caught in your web of
bullsh!t, believed it could change or had real love for who I thought you were. Truth be told, you nailed it when you said maybe it was YOU causing me to have a breakdown! THAT was what really sent me over the edge; seeing it, wanting to deny it but coming to terms with the truth about you and wanting you to show me i was wrong.But no, you refused- proved it all to be exactly what it was and then selfishly left me alone, leterally on my knees to deal with it! It was all a lie, everything! … an illusion, you were never the man you projected you could be and it is disgusting, disturbing and infuriating! All of your double-standards and BS rules to make me appear inferior! You almost broke me, ALMOST; but I see you now …and it makes me sick! No matter how hard you try, you cannot control everything and definately not me anymore, for your own self-satisfaction…rejecting, withdrawing, tormenting and controlling. You are NO alpha, you are weak, cold and sad; preying on anyone who wont stand up to you and who feeds your ego. You need approval & praise but give none, and care for nothing but youself and your sensitive little sense of pride; trying to cover your insecurites by projecting your sense of entitlement and superiority, but you do nothing that does not make you look good or benefit you and you alone in some way, period. The only thing that keeps me from truely hating you is the realization that I can move forward and heal, but that you never will and how miserable and empty you will always be…faking, hiding, camoflauging, drinking away who you are. I have true sympothy for your next victim(s), I hope they have the sense to get out sooner than i did! I no longer care how you twist it or project who did it or why it happened; keep lying to everyone and yourself …..but know that you did NOT destroy me! I do wish I could erase you from my life story all together, but the scars you have left on me will be a constant reminder of what to run from if ever I encounter another like you. Goodbye.

What a great metaphor: “I had a sturdy boat to navigate the sea of life, but no rudder to get me out of the squalls and turbulences” I might have to borrow that! This is the best way to describe the voyage!

I love this artice and I’m so glad that you’re here sharing your journety with us.. I feel that there is an underlying theme in all of your writings and that one can relate on various levels depending on where one is at.

I was born practically knowing that I was on a spiritual journety, but mostly related to it from an intelectual perspective not taking into account the emotional baggage I was carrying around and how I got myself there regardless of the unfairness of it.. Metaphorically: I had a sturdy boat to navigate the sea of life, but no rudder to get me out of the squalls and turbulences relating to emotional pain and stuff. I have since learned that having some spiritual knowlege is not the be all and end all of it!

Quite some time ago, I was indeed fortunate to have met again in this life a dear friend and mentor who’s work helped me deal with a lot of stuff, but their work also meant they had to move on. I gleaned much from the experience, but needed to keep on doing the inner work (like you also say, and I concur) instead of becomming complacement. I now glean more from what I had learned at the time, and have so wished to have that time all over again.

Having said that: I really “get” what you’re saying, and am enjoying your work.. I find that what you share and talk about is what I need right now.. So thankYou again Melanie.. I am looking at healing/programs that would best serve me and help me get past the feeling of being stuck. 😀 xx