Thanks Jennifer! i am going to check all that out too 🥰🙏

Thank u for sharing Asha. That makes a lot of sense to me and what u have accomplished is inspiring. 💙

Oh my goodness. I am so glad you wrote this post. I’m so glad I found it. I’ve been wanting to do the NARP program for a while. I have struggled so much putting myself first to the point where I can be absolutely dying but still put others first and take little to no care of myself. Having read your post I finally realise why I can’t do it and why I feel so much guilt if I even try. I’ve been on the receiving end of Years and years of malignant narcissistic abuse but I never connected it to the guilt I feel if I try to do anything for myself. It’s a major block to me and I’m going to read your post again and again until it sinks in. I know you didn’t write this for me but I know I was meant to see it. Thank you.

Found! Another great one.
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/peace-after-narcissistic-abuse-is-possible

Lots of love back atcha Mel! You are helping me stay strong. 🙏💕❤️

Hi Jen,

I am aware of the Hawaiian healing technique and am a fan!

Sure I understand you checking out the gray areas! Nothing is black and white all the time!

I suggest checking out my resources with a google on – ‘boundaries’ and ‘when you can’t go No Contact’ and they explain the nuances Nd ways!

Thank you for your comment re the date!

Lots of love Jen,

Mel 🙏💕❤️

Great video! Very clear and very much needed in the field of recovery from narcissistic abuse. I am sharing many of your articles and videos at a forum devoted to this issue.

Yes Melanie, you make perfect sense. In my own case, I find that when I focus on being Gray Rock outwardly, inwardly I am continuously working
with myself. Self-partnering, as you have put it. I practice Ho’oponopono, which you may have heard of. Ho’oponopono, which means “to make right,” is a Hawaiian approach to problem-solving. Basically it is about letting go to our higher aspect, our Divinity, to heal our dysfunctional programs and memories that are stored in the subconscious. Ho’oponopono teaches that nything we experience as a problem, including narcissistic abuse, is a memory replaying in the subconscious. The mantra, “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you” (can be said in any order, in whole or in part), “cleans” on the memories/programs, making way for inspiration and guidance.

It looks like that inspiration and guidance has led me here, as well as into therapy. All part of letting go of/healing those old wounds that made me a match to a narcissist, although not in an intimate relationship.
Thank you for sharing that experience of your third date and the flushing out of yet another narc! You go girl 🙂

I have just one more question for you that is very relevant to my current situation. The first post I read from you was about breaking free from addiction to the narcissist. I don’t feel I am addicted to my roommate–I would actually be happy if he would move out–but a lot of members of the forum I mentioned talk a lot about their difficulty letting go, so I did a search and found your post. Anyway, toward the end you wrote:

“They don’t get any energy from me – ever.

I know if I connect, even with a glance or an acknowledgment, I’m buying into an energetic, chemical, emotional dark void of games, manipulation, agendas, nastiness, undermining and ego …

… that’s always unhealthy, unsavoury, soul-destroying and toxic.

I wouldn’t pick up a heroin needle, or a crack pipe … so why would I pick up a narcissist again?”

Yet in another post, you speak of not blaming or judging our narc parents, who are themselves products of their past. Is it not possible to see all
narcs in this way? More to the point, is having a narc apartment mate, as I do, necessarily going to be soul-destroying and toxic, or is it possible to transcend
that dynamic? The Buddha advised: “Live like the lotus. Though growing in a muddy pond, the lotus remains pure, undefiled by its environment.” I would like to think i could do that.

Just exploring here, would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you!

Hi Jen,

Thank you and it’s so great that my information resonates with Jen.

Please be clear in no way am I ever suggesting trying to make a NARP accountable.

When we know someone is an n we detach, heal ourselves and grant them no energy.

If we have been hooked in previously detoxing every pain, fear and trauma out of our system with NARP is highly affective in No Contact http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

What I am talking about is showing up powerfully without fear as ourselves in every day life, and then if we come across an N they flush out very quickly.

An example was when I was on a third date with a very attractive man. I came back from the bathroom he asked me how I thought our third date was going and I told him honestly that I observed how he was talking in very disparaging ways about his work colleagues.

True to N form he blew up like a time bomb. Yay! N flushed out and exposed. Date ended and I was soooo excited about how now I was prepared to show up, tell the truth, lay boundaries and detach and align with my truth!

Much better than the old days of not being fearless and terrified of the possibility of CRAP – being criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished for being fully me.

Is this making sense, can you truly understand what I am talking about now?

Re Grey Rock, I promise you that is not enough to heal and get well.

I created a resource on this – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ey9Wbc-1d24 which I hope explains.

Mel 🙏💕❤️

Yet you yourself reiterate again and again that we can’t hope to hold the narcissist accountable, that it is pretty much an exercise in futility. We can ask or what we want, sure…but we can’t be attached to getting it, certainly not with a narc.

You probably know of Eckhart Tolle’s ideas about the pain body, an energy field that lives on sadness, trauma, abuse etc. He says when someone is totally taken over by the pain body, then no real communication is possible. We are talking to the pain body, not the person. The pain body doesn’t want communication, cooperation, or healing, because it lives on their opposites. Tolle says we may be met with anger if we stay silent in the face of the pain body, but it is still better than trying to engage. It seems to me that narcs in general are probably taken over by their pain bodies. There is a youtube video from Tolle on this, worth checking out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcYrm7h86Rk

You’ve probably heard of the Gray Rock approach to dealing with narcs. We say very little (though it is not the silent treatment) and just do not play into their need for drama and reactiveness. Many have found peace and relief with this, and I am finding it helpful myself in dealing with my narc apartment mate (who is not my Significant Other). That relationship has been improving since i incorporated Gray Rock insofar as possible. I am hopeful this can be maintained, since I don’t want to leave this place and it doesn’t look like he will be moving out any time soon. I do know that I have inner programs I need to address from my growing up with a narcissist, alcoholic father, and I suspect this is one reason i attracted this man into my life. I think your approach is fantastic and again, is very aligned with what I have learned on my journey. I just would like clarification on that part of your post. Thanks for all you do!