Comments on: Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #24 Phil

By: Dazedandconfused

Dazedandconfused — Wed, 09 Nov 2016 00:59:12 +0000

I couldn’t help but leave a comment. Your forums and blogs truly helped me make some “sense” out of the relationship I finally said enough to. I always thought of myself as a loving and giving woman, yet strong and independent. I’m sitting here thinking that life handed me my last relationship to finally teach me that I am a co-dependent. And I believe that I am. I was married for 20 years, 10 of which were pretty good….there was never anything in it for me though. I always thought, as I was raised, that the woman in the family is the “rock”, holding everyone and everything together. Taking care of everyone, I lost myself. I left my marriage 3 years ago after almost losing myself completely. Leaving my marriage gave me some much needed time to rediscover myself and become independent. I entered the dating scene when I thought I was ready. I never really connected with anyone until this past year. We hit it off immediately. I felt like I finally met my best friend and soul mate and started dreaming of a loving future with him. The beginning was great, which now I can put a name to it “love bombing” (great analogy). It slowly turned from “all about us and our future” to “all about him”. I always felt off balance. Never really being able to put my finger on it…but my gut was always screaming at me. His words rarely matched his actions. He was calm and never got angry, but I always sensed a very dark side to him. I know what it feels like to be a victim of “gaslighting”. I never knew what that term meant until I experienced it. Being ignored for having feelings and wanting to talk about things that bothered me got me the silent treatment. It’s just who he is he says…he didn’t want to argue. I now know, he knew I was slowly figuring him out and he didn’t like it. It was all about him. We never spent any time apart. I loved that at first, and now realize that was one of the voids in my life from my marriage where I had barely any adult time with my ex husband because of work and kids. Our relationship only lasted 13 months. I finally told myself I deserve to be treated better, to be loved and respected more than what the reality of the relationship was. I fell in love with the “fantasy” of what I thought it was, and I know I’m still mourning that. It left me confused, hurt, feeling taken advantage of and questioning my own sanity. I tried it all. Reasoning, explaining my side, setting boundaries. He always knew how to wiggle his way back to my heart. I still love this man but I finally told myself that I was in a toxic relationship. I always believed that a loving relationship lifts up your partner, supports and makes you feel happy. I felt exhausted, confused and drained most of the time. I started doing research online trying to figure out what was happening. I searched “being ignored by your boyfriend” and things like that to begin with…All pointed to narcissism. I was blown away. Things started to make sense. I now firmly believe that my ex was a covert narcissist. I always knew he was very hard on himself and had low self esteem. And yes, I thought I could “fix” him, because that’s what I do….I asked him to move out and he left quietly. We cried together and held each other and told each other we loved each other. It sounds strange, but it was closure for me….closure that allowed me to be strong. It’s been two weeks and I’m still trying to be strong. He texts me that he wants another chance to be “one”, tells me how his day is, anything to get a response from me. I’m still afraid I will be weak and reply one day. My only course of action is to block his number but haven’t brought myself to that yet. I just read his messages and feel horrible for not responding. My friends see him as the “nice guy”. He is always the victim. I can’t explain it to those who have never been through an experience like this. It breaks my heart but I know the cycle will repeat again as it did in our very intense but short relationship. I am now trying to heal myself and learn about myself. I’m not entirely sure that my marriage wasn’t one of narcissism as well but never knew it. Not only has your words given me information, it’s given me some sort of validation as to what’s happening so I don’t feel so crazy. Thank you. Here’s to a happy and healthy emotional future to us all !!

By: Phil

Phil — Sun, 06 Sep 2015 09:15:08 +0000

In reply to Tom. I know the feeling of reaching this age and ending upon the couch, at least i did know the feeling, its now a part of the process, after doing Narp I'm happy to look back on it as part of the new me. All the best with the therapy.

By: Gaging

Gaging — Fri, 28 Aug 2015 00:16:40 +0000

Katie, we love all of the pictures! You did such an amizang job! The pictures with our dogs are some of my favorites! Thank you so much! I can’t wait until October!! =] You’re the best!

By: Tom

Tom — Mon, 27 Jul 2015 09:58:07 +0000

In reply to Phil.

Yes phil it’s been 15 months and I can’t shake the feeling I’m less than the unattractive older obese guy..I keep sayin it’s his money @80k a year it’s double mine..she did it to drive the knife in further cause I knew this guy,trusted him around my girl…then I say it’s go to be money cause she said ” I wasn’t worth the financial convienience”
Why on earth would she say I was fat but the obese guy is attractive ?

Started therapy this week..can’t believe @50 I’ve been driven to seek therapy when it should be her in therapy..instead she’s the happy one and I’m busted and broken.. Arrrrgh

By: Quinton Edward

Quinton Edward — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 23:31:44 +0000

In reply to avesraggiana. Thank you, See you on the forum soon

By: avesraggiana

avesraggiana — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 15:15:22 +0000

In reply to Quinton Edward.

Hi, Qunton.

I never married my same-sex, ex-narcissist-partner, so I’ve not had that pain to go through. I impute from your letter that you felt that you had skulked away in the middle of the night, instead of “facing him down like a man”, and breaking up with him in person.

I broke up via email, and in the beginning, I felt guilty for not having been more “manly”, more “honourable”. A few months later, someone pointed out to me that breakups in person almost never go as well as hoped, and almost never provide the sought-for closure. With that realisation, my guilt about the way I broke up, instantly fell away. In the end, it had to be about my emotional and physical safety.

I’ve worked NARP for over a year now, and I must tell you, I’ve come a long, long way, and far more quickly than I could have ever imagined.

I would encourage you to follow your impulse to explore the forum. You’ll derive a lot of inspiration and ideas.

See you online soon,

Arnel.

By: Phil

Phil — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 04:23:09 +0000

In reply to wanting to be healed. Hi wanting, there are times when Mel might miss a post or a reply. It is difficult in your situation and it can seem hard to imagine being free. The answers and methods are in the Narp package. When we do the work and start fixing our lives from the inside we just stop being a match for the abuse and some how some way you will be free and in your power. It is a journey but one you can control. You will get your power back.

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 08:59:01 +0000

In reply to Phil.

Love that guys are coming forward!!

Yay!!

Mel xo

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 08:58:28 +0000

In reply to Phil.

Hi Quinton,

it will be awesome for you to join in the NARP Forum – it is your time!

Mel xo