I will have a spot in my heart for him always, I was in love. His care and attention to me could only go so far….

God this is one of the hardest things to realize and accept. Thank you for putting it into words for me.

It all started 3 years ago…Recently divorced at the time I went online and tried a dating website. Within a month met my ex whom I fell in love with at the time. We developed a close relationship. He was charming, sweet, all the things one wants in a man. It only took a couple of months before he would add drama to our relationship….little things I thought at the time. He would accuse me of still being in love with my ex, never having enough time for him ( I have 2 kids), would sometimes text/call and sometimes would not. Learned he had a very small circle of friends, never really made an effort to see me, never met his family, but through friends of mine heard he was a great guy and very “well respected” in the job he held. Mind you he is an officer in a very large fire dept.So I dealt with it. Being out of the game for awhile I thought this was normal. One night I decided to go out with some girlfriends for a bite to eat and he called. He heard music in the background and accused me of being a “party girl.” Told me we were over and did not hear from him for a good week or so. The silent treatment. Needless to say at this point I had fallen hard and did not take his absence well. I have come to learn now that he was not faithful the entire time. We went our separate ways for awhile, both dating others, but still kept in touch. I chalked it up to we got too close too fast, both being recently divorced, and not the fact that he was a narcissist. Months went by and we would casually text until we decided to get together for a drink. At that point he invited me to a wedding and I would meet his family. Big step for a guy who never really involved me in his life. I was estatic being that I truly had a soft spot for this guy. A month in he invites me to Miami, a trip he had already planned prior to us reconnecting, for his 40th bday. WOW! I was over the moon. I couldn’t believe we were finally together for good….so i thought. The next year went by with highs, lows, times of being together when it suited him (my family took him and his kids on fully paid vaca to the Atlantis) and lows. It was on vacation where i actually did the thing that most of us want to do when we suspect cheating. I was putting his cell phone in the safe and couldnt help the nagging feeling that i should check. So I did. Multiple women dating back from as early as Oct….remember the trip to Miami? In between the wedding with his family and the trip he took another woman to a formal FD dinner; meanwhile I went to Miami, spent $1000 on an airline ticket and thought I was the only one. He had been dating woman after woman. The night before we left for vacation told a woman that HE was taking HIS children BY HIMSELF to the Atlantis, a vaca he could never afford, and would get together with her when they got back. MInd you they had been having phone sex/text messages the enitre time. Things were said that I will probably never erase from my mind. So here I am on vaca and on the last day I confront him. He says “we were never really committed like married so he didnt see the harm.” IDK..to me being on vaca with my family and our children is pretty much committed??? Then he blasts me for going through his phone and invading his privacy. We get home and he begs for another chance. I agree, probably too easily, and ask him to erase all phone numbers, texts, etc from all these women. Again, he made no significant fight. I was fighting to save the relationship more then he was in retrospect.

Fast forward to Oct…..he accuses me one random night of having a “secret life” on facebook. I rarely post on FB, mostly of my kids, but has a raging argument with me and accuses me of being a liar and says never speak to him again. He rips up our pictures, tears up cards and sends me all of these things in a photo text message. For a couple days after I pleaded, begged, cried and told him I had no idea what he was talking about, what “secret life.” I never do anything, never go out, rarely even talk to my friends of 20 plus years anymore, and begged him to give me one more chance. At this point he activates his own fb account and adds woman after woman to the page. Anytime I asked who they were he told me to mind my business.

The end of Nov was my sisters wedding. About 2 weeks before he starts arguing with me about her fiance. He said he didnt “like him.” Told me he thought he was a show off, was nothing but a loser and wouldnt stand to be in the same room as him. But I begged him to still come with me to the wedding as I was the maid of honor and did not want to be alone. FOR 2WEEKS we argued nonstop. He was coming; then he wasnt. My family and friends were convinced he would never disrespect me or my family in that way. Sure enough, the day of the wedding, he texts me in the am and says he is sorry but cannot bear to see my sister marry a “zero” and neither him or his parents were coming. He told me he saw who I stood up for (my sister and her husbamd) and he could never be with someone who had no regard for his feeling. So I had to face the whole day/night by myself, heartbroken, sad and lonely. At that point I (thought) I was done.

Holidays are lonely. I am the first to admit even after the wedding, I could not let go. I still called him, texted him, tried to make plans to see him. I was desperate and holding onto whatever I could. Anytime he said jump, I jumped. I lost 20 pounds and cried. Every. Single. Day. I ignored my kids; was not there for them; performed poorly at work and isolated myself. I was depressed beyond words. Yet I still sent him texts, cards, whatever to win him back. In my mind I thought if he really saw how much I loved him, he would come back to me. I prayed for that.

Mid January he started to give me some time. I yearned for it. I lied to my family about where i would be; dropped my kids at anyone who would watch them; made any arrangement just to be with him. He said he was trying to forget what I had done to him but it would take time. He did not trust my intentions and where “my loyalty lied.” I was a nervous, anxious wreck at this point. I snapped at my kids, family, friends, everyone. He started with me one night and said a big part of the problem was that I was never physically with him, as we did not live together. (We lived in 2 diff states but the travel time was only 20 min in btween). He said I would come and leave and that I needed to make a decision by the end of this weekend and move myself and my kids into his house in order to make it work. Otherwise we had to break up. All weekend I stressed…how the hell was that going to happen? HOw could I uproot my kids mid school year? Sports? My family already thought he was crazy, how would I explain this? I tried to rationalize and he said make a decision, like a big girl, and choose. I told him ok and that I would do it. Ridiculous right? Gets better…..As I am explaining this ridiculous scenario to my parents and telling them my intentions, I receive an email from him telling me that obviously I had too many doubts and we must go our separate ways and move on. FLOORED…I spent the entire weekend agoinizing over the pressure he put on me and in one email, no phone call, he breaks up with me again. So I vow,,,,that was it. I do not even respond to the email. I was done. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Until…….

The next morning. I get a phone call that he is having anxiety attacks and to please come over. I tell him verbally to just calm down and he will be fine. He hangs up on me. After my previous night and my promise to myself I do not go over to his house. At 4 pm that day he starts to email…”I made a mistake, YOu are my best friend, Please dont leave me…..” He even goes as far as making his mother call me. Against the harsh words of my family, I go to see him that night. My family at this point is done with me. He apologizes up and down, back and forth and vows to make this right by everyone if I give him one more chance. So I do. Next day he apologizes to my sister, my mother, my stepfather, my children, and even so far as has me take him to my fathers grave and promises to take care of me for the rest of my life. Of course I believe him.

Next couple weeks…amazing. He was the epitome of an amazing boyfriend. Catered to my needs, was kind, considerate and caring. We even began to look for a home to move our children into. Beginning of March I feel the usual pull back. I ask him whats up, everything ok and start to get the usual answers…”Stop being negative, whats your problem” etc. So I keep pushing along…. I mean we are buying a house right? A very expensive house (I was the more practical; he always choosing to look at higher end homes that we really couldnt afford). But i kept pushing along until one night I asked him about someone he recently friended on FB. She was a stripper. I asked him why that was allowed when clearly he would be pissed if the shoe was on the other foot. He takes my phone and goes thru my fb friends literally screaming everyone that was a man saying “Did you F him?, Who is this you C**T” and then throws me out of his house and says I am a liar and never come back. I get so mad at the audacity and words that in my own defense of knowing I did nothing wrong, hit him. My lowest point of my life. I have never had the urge or desire but to be wrongfully accussed and yelled at repeatedly was beyond hurtful. I leave but return moments later. I mean this is the man who promised me a future, a house, a committment?? I plead and try to rationalize. I have now learned you cannot rationalize crazy.

The next day I did what any suspecting woman would do. I went thru the phone again. This time more women, more dates, more dirty/filthy texts. I told him never speak to me again. It was over. I admitted to my family, friends and frankly anyone who would listen that he cheated. I wanted themn to know the truth so when he came back I would be an embarrassment to myself to go back. I was hoslpitalized for anxiety and depression.

It has been one month today. I wish I can say it is easier. My support system is pretty tired of seeing me cry, and just wish I would pick up and move on. But it is hard. He literally picked up and is dating another woman already. Dates, sex the whole nine. He has contacted me only once at 2 am. Yes, I did respond but just told him I would love him forever and always. Because that is the truth. He is part of my soul and I cannot even think about a day that I will not think about him. I know I shouldnt but it is very hard and very painful.

I guess the reason I wrote my story was to see what your take on all this is. I mean I gave you the highlights; there was so much more. Yet, I love this man. I saw the good in him when there was none; I believed in him when no one else did; I was his best friend and worst enemy at the same time. My heart longs to “fix him” but at what expense? Mine? My kids? How do I get over this? How the hell did he move on? That is probably my biggest problem is knowing that he replaced me so easily. ONE WEEK AFTER. And is dating multiple women. I dont get it!!! Taking them to the same places; making the same promises I wont admit how I know this info but thats a part of a bigger problem. Online I can still access his text messages and its like I am addicted to reading them. SOunds crazy when you write it, I know, but when you are put in this spot its almost like I have to know and it is killing me. I know I have to stop and only i have that power.

Any advice would be greatly welcomed. Your words are very helpful and I have read some of the articles numerous times. I am pretty sure he meets the definition of a narcissist. Sociopath? Please help me.

posted before I was done.

* All of this lead to the place I am now, which is at peace. I finally understand what is me and what is “other”. Just in time to turly be with some loved ones as they process their own experiences with N’s. I know I haven’t completed my journey, but I do know who my traveling companion is…Me.

Thank you for all the work you do it has profoundly changed me…which has profoundly changed my life.

there is healing to go with you – because what you are receiving from him is a match for wounds that are still playing out within you.

I am not saying this in any way to shame or blame you – it just is what it is.

Sarah learning about narcs is not enough to stop being abused by them – especially if you can’t get out of their vicinity (joint parenting), and even if you could get away from him – learning about them is still not enough to not be contracted in life, fearful of them, have the tendency to keep attracting them to you, and staying hurt and obsessing about what they did to you.

This article was all about taking the necessary responsibility to heal our wounded parts – our gaps – that allowed this to manifest in our experience in the first place.

For you to “stop” what is happening to you via him, there is a necessity for you to clean up the wounds that are the ‘magnet’ allowing it in your reality.

When you work at and up-level those inner aspects of yourself, then he MUST change in your experience.

Then the issues will clean up .. truly – as the always do.

So my only suggestion is only ever “do the inner work”.
No amount of ‘outer” strategies can ever make up for lack of “inner beingness”. In other words when we are not aligned inside us we can only receive misalignment outside of us – NO matter what we try to “do”.

My next Webinar is what you need to be in Sarah, so that you can deeply, deeply get your head around that what I am saying is the truth.

Mel xo

Hi Ruth,

what you have written is so beautiful and so profound.

You are so very welcome, I truly feel blessed to be doing the work I do.

I love all of what you wrote here, and couldn’t agree more.

That is true transcendence and evolution – accepting ‘This is in me’ and taking the responsibility to meet it, release it and replace it with ‘light’.

No wonder you feel so released and at peace.

That is what evolving ourselves creates!

Bless and big love to you!

Mel xo

Hi Gudmundur,

you are so right – having been narcissistically abused is not the necessary criteria to work with these principles on ourselves.

Co-dependency – not being a source to ourselves is the deal!

Narcissistic abuse is simply one of the symptoms that can come from that.

Mel xo