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This is article about so much more than recognising red flags.

It is also about more than intuition and choices.

My greatest hope, in regard to this article, is that you no longer feel like you can or will be taken in by a narcissist for this reason: because a narcissist can dupe anyone.

I hope that by reading this article you will be so much clearer on how that is just NOT true.

This article is not about blaming or shaming you, if you have been taken in by a narcissist, and it is not about questioning your intelligence. Rather, it is about empowering you with the truth.

I want to start off by explaining something very important, because we can learn a lot from examining the natural order of how life works.

In the wild there are predators …

A lioness does not go for the biggest strongest buck. Instead she picks off the injured deer at the edge of the pack.

Predators don’t target strong capable animals. They single out prey with weaknesses, with vulnerabilities. They choose an animal that will convert into a meal without too much of a fight.

I promise you there are huge correlations here with the ways narcissists choose victims. The lioness needs to feed herself and her cubs, she can’t afford to exert energy without getting a result. Similarly narcissists desperately need narcissistic supply to emotionally exist. They can’t afford to exert too much energy without claiming the prize.

There may be people reading this right now who feel indignant about what I have just said. This is really understandable, because you may have chosen to subscribe to the huge consensus in abuse forums that narcissists targeted you because you were so “whole” “strong” and “had the best to offer”.

Once upon a time I righteously took on that belief too.

The terrible problem with me taking on that belief, which I later discovered was miles away from the truth – was that belief wasn’t helping me get well.

Instead it made me feel like a powerless victim unsafe in the world to be “me”; to live life as “myself”. I was so terrified after being narcissistically abused of being pounced on and exploited, abused and damaged by evil people that I could not walk outside my front door without having panic attacks and melt downs.

In fact my Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorder and agoraphobia was so acute that I was told I would never recover from these anxiety disorders and would need three anti-psychotics in order to even function.

Thank GOD I chose not to subscribe to that, and I didn’t go along with the contemporary beliefs, or continue to believe that I was a powerless victim targeted by a narcissist with no choice or any power in the situation.

Thank GOD I realised the truth and did the essential work on myself so that never again would I carry the crippling belief “life is unsafe”.

Today, in stark contrast, I am far from being an injured deer about to become someone’s meal. Instead I am playing, running, dancing and singing; shining a light so big that I know it dissolves darkness.

Absolutely I still work on myself, and have areas of my life that I am up-levelling, expanding and growing into (that will never stop) – but the following is the truth for me now, and has been for some time …

I DON’T have ANY fear of life and other people anymore.

I have never felt so free and empowered in my whole life, even way before I was narcissistically abused.

This level of wellness is what I am so passionate about bringing to people. And I know it never happens when we hang on to untruths about being “powerless victims”.

I know the only reason I was targeted was because I used to be susceptible, and now I’m not. This is why I am no longer living within the emotional chemicals of trauma, fear and pain.

The truth sets us free; it puts us back into our own bodies, our own awareness, and our own development. It not only helps us get well, it also inoculates us from being lame and at the edge of the pack– ripe to be picked off in the future.

 

From The Lion’s Mouth

Some time ago I tried to heal narcissists who came forward admitting to be narcissists, with Quanta Freedom Healing. (Yes narcissists can admit they are narcissists when in narcissistic injury.)

These healing sessions never lasted long, because as soon as the narcissist came out of the narcissistic injury (in which their ego had temporarily crumbled leaving access to the “real” person inside) the ego would reinstate and it would be back to unconscious pathological business as usual.

However, during this time of narcissistic injury I was fascinated, because I could ask questions and get answers to what made the narcissist tick, what they were aware of, and why they operate the way they do.

I knew that the big deal, the drug, the absolute necessity for narcissists and what drives them is the need for narcissistic supply. Each one of them I questioned about how they target people for narcissistic supply told me they knew who to target.

People who were giving, yet had trouble asserting themselves and standing up for themselves. Also people who would hand over energy as a result of “being told what they wanted to hear”.  People who were too “nice” to lay boundaries. People who were too trusting too quickly, and people who have trouble saying “No”.

The narcissists all said that right from the start they would test those boundaries to see if they could “get in”. They would give boundaries a little push, and and then a little more to see who they were dealing with, and how far they could go.

They also told me there were people who would reject them, and not go along with them – many – and the narcissist would bag them out behind their back and seethe inside (hate them), and even lash out, but would then leave them alone.

From the other side of the fence I know this to be true … I receive emails from people who repel narcissists, who find out what they are and have emailed me about them. Even people who have had no exposure to narcissists before.

People who stated that after the first day or two of receiving too many texts realised that this person felt “wrong” and “unhealthy” to be with.

People who after a little while got a weird vibe from the person when they didn’t fulfil a narcissistic unrealistic demand, and when they spoke up for their rights saw the narcissist unravel before their eyes – with projection, narcissistic rage or “tit for tat” childish, ridiculous behaviour … or comments and actions that just felt really, really unsavoury.

People who suspected evidence of the narcissist’s lies early, confronted the narcissist, then received evasion, defences, attacks or more lies, realised it and ended the relationship promptly.

Many narcissistic abuse forums would argue these people weren’t hooked yet – yet the truth is we all put up with behaviour that was “not right” before we were hooked.

Or maybe because we so desperately wanted to believe that this person was the “person of our dreams” we had actually hooked ourselves right from the start.

In all of the thousands of cases I have worked with, I have never met one person who when being honest couldn’t tell me the numerous red flags and warning signs they saw that they chose to dismiss.

This we need to get clear about … narcissists are not that clever – they have gaps, they are loose. They are a pathological self that has to try to “act” acceptable and normal.

And all acts have cracks.

 

Authenticity as the True Defence

I promise you this … when you start becoming your True Self and are no longer self-abandoning, and start showing up authentically, you will easily flush a narcissist to the surface.

Narcissists rely on people not doing this.

Narcissists need people to be living in the shadows themselves for the narcissistic shadows to operate “undetected”. The problem is: we were all not anchored in our True Self, because most of us (unless we were very, very fortunate) didn’t have parents who modelled authentic communication.

We were not taught to listen to and trust our gut, question, honour ourselves, speak up and risk being truthful.

Rather our role models showed us how to hide facts, bottle up, keep the peace, not make waves and say what people wanted to hear. Or, conversely to make enquiry, statements or create conflict in unhealthy ways that hands our power over.

When we start living honestly, openly and transparently whilst feeling whole and clean inside (not needing anyone else to grant us “ourself”) we see who is in the shadows, who can’t be with us at this level and who comes undone at the seams as soon as we shine a huge big torch of calm, solid truth and directness on an “issue”.

And we are whole enough to know “this is not my deal or my responsibility” and then detach and leave it alone. Then we merrily go on creating and generating wholesomeness, truth and honesty without need or expectation – simply because that is the model we are being in life.

And if a person doesn’t match up (narcissistic or not) that person didn’t owe us anything – they just weren’t a match for us!

How many people obsesses about “He / she was this or that – how terrible that is?!?”

I used to do that!

“So what?” I say about people like that now … It doesn’t matter! Because that’s their gig, and in no shape or form does a “whole” person need to obsess about it and make it their issue! There’s too many other wonderful people and situations in the world to get involved with!

Personally, my entire life completely changed after narcissistic abuse … and it needed to.

Because if I hadn’t changed myself to change my life I would not be alive, or if I was I would be medicated like a zombie and certainly not living.

What changed is: I understood WHY I had been targeted and the devastating cost I had suffered because of my programming that was not allowing me to show up in life authentically.

And I knew that I had to make it my greatest mission to heal that if I wanted to have a healthy, productive, happy life.

 

Bringing The Power Home To Ourselves

This is not about blaming victims for what happened to us, it is about creating awareness, empowerment and healing so that narcissists can’t take people in.

There are some very empowering and honest questions we can ask ourselves if we became enmeshed with narcissists, that will start to provide healing and relief.

Such as:

Did I love myself enough?
Did I trust my own intuition and gut?
Did I talk myself out of the warning signs because I was needy?
Did I project onto this person the image of them I wanted them to be, and dismiss all other evidence that presented?
Did I try to force this person to be the source of my life rather than being prepared to be that for myself?

Why are questions like these so important?

Because until we become the generative source of our own experience by growing through experiences that we have had and suffered, we have NO power. The power is always handed over to someone or something else.

THAT is what causes powerlessness and pain, so much more than WHAT happened to us.

I really would like to repeat that statement – so that you can fully absorb it …

The power you are handing over to someone or something else is what causes powerlessness and pain, so much more than WHAT happened to you.

The people who were narcissistically abused and picked off by a predator were like I was … scared to speak up. We were not in tune with trusting and backing our own feelings.

Until my recovery journey I hadn’t realised just how disconnected I was from listening to my own inner truth. The truth was: I had no idea how to self-partner.

I would err to “logical facts”, other people’s opinions, or simply be so confused about whether or not my own feelings had any merit at all and I certainly did not have a voice. Inevitably I went along with what others wanted instead – believing they had more authority and clues about my life than I did.

I also had the terrible fear that if I DID show up and have a voice that I would be rejected, abandoned, criticised or abused. So I was too scared to do this.

I remember meeting the first narcissist for the first time and being totally turned off by his dark vibe the moment I laid eyes on him.

That was my intuition screaming out “Danger, yuk, oh no!!!”

But yet later in the night when he started charming me, I dismissed the original feelings.

With narc number two, when I received an email from him from the dating site, I thought “This guy has got issues”. Then when I spoke to him on the phone the tone of his voice had some sort of edge in it that made me feel uneasy.

Yet on paper he “added up”; this is why I continued. He seemed to have all the values I wanted, so I dismissed what my instincts were telling me. Then huge warning signs turned up only a week into it, and again I justified them away.

Narc number one – I was like a lamb sitting on the plate ready to be skewered with NO fight. Even though he was loose, aggressive, drunk, rebellious, crazy and naughty (that just goes to show the level of my own development at the time) I concluded he was the “man of my dreams” because he was “attractive”, “spiritual”, “intelligent”, and “adored me”.

Narc number two, I was totally in my head buying the “nice guy story”, even though my body was recoiling with comments he made such as: “You can ask every women I have been with how I constantly told them they were not good enough for me.”

What was I thinking?

Of course I was going to end up being that next woman!

What I was thinking was … “Hopefully, finally, this is the man who can take away my pain and be everything I need to have a great life.”

If you take one thing out of this article today I want it to be this: Getting taken in by a narcissist actually has NOTHING to do with the narcissist.

It has to do with these questions …

Were we capable of tuning into and listening to and trusting and backing ourselves?

And …

Were we capable of showing up in life from a position of empowerment and authenticity rather than neediness, “hiding” and self-deception?

Because if we were not anchored into and expressing our authentic selves, we WERE a lame deer at the edge of the pack ripe to be picked off by a predator.

Recovery is ALL about correcting that – NOT learning all there is to know about narcissists. I promise you that!

No amount of focusing on and blaming narcissists is going to develop you into your empowerment and authenticity. All it does, is what it did for me for such a  long time –  cement your powerlessness, anxiety disorders and sickness even more.

If you want to believe this article is all about “victim bashing and blaming” you are just not ready to hear the truth yet.

And that’s okay, because hopefully one day you may be ready – like I eventually was. Generally that is when you have had enough of the pain that comes through feeling powerless as a victim, and when we realise that focusing on and finger pointing at everything outside of ourselves doesn’t work, and doesn’t help us heal.

When nothing is left on the “outside” to cling to as relief or hope is often when we have the personal catharsis of coming “inside” to the truth and to ourselves.

 

Showing Up Authentically

When we start living life from the inside out as the generative source of our own experience we reflect and can clearly see the results every time we had that strong gut feeling and ignored it.

We paid a huge price.

We all have inner radars, yet we have been taught to detach from them, dismiss them and ignore them. This is what has created the holocaust of abuse – our own disconnection from ourselves.

This is what has led us to experiences with other people who are also horrendously disconnected from themselves – people who are terminally unconscious. (Narcissists are the clear winners in this department.)

After narcissistic abuse I realised there was NO way I could afford to keep living life like that. The other disasters had not been big enough to get my attention – and it still took two narcissists to really bring this lesson home – being unconscious is not an option anymore.

Hence my own relationship and connection to myself became paramount – so that I could heal and develop enough to show up honouring my feelings, and so that I could eventually speak up and assert boundaries calmly, solidly and healthily – without the fears of rejection, abandonment, criticism or being abused.

I knew it was vital to become my own generative source rather than needily trying to force other people to provide it for me.

This is the deal … I did meet narcissists moving forward into my development and I learned to flush them out, detach and move on.

What was really wonderful is, I didn’t lose any sleep about it, and I felt excited and empowered every time I graduated.

Then after that I just didn’t fear narcissists anymore.

Then after that they just didn’t show up in my life anymore.

And then after that narcissists just weren’t “a reality” in my life anymore.

Mind you I am not a “perfect force” in any shape or form … I do not have life perfectly sorted! And what I mean by this is: I don’t always know if my intuition is 100% correct.

But what I DO KNOW is that I am 100% committed with fierce self-dedication to self-partner – to investigate whether this is “mine”, and honestly confront and be real when I am triggered into “not right” feelings. I am totally prepared to have the “difficult” (transparent / authentic) conversations in order to clarify.

This then grants more information, which then allows me to make choices that build my life forward without the regret or fear that I have made the wrong choice.

In my life, since narcissistic abuse, I have ended previous relationships not based on authenticity … absolutely and without regret.

Did I have to work very hard to get myself to this level of self-partnering and emotional development? Ohhhh YES … I had a lot of false beliefs, fear, pain and emotional inner damage to clean up.

My life now and the level of how I live in life is universes apart from how I lived before narcissistic abuse. I have gone from being drastically unconscious about my self-generated results to wanting to become as conscious as possible in order to generate healthy results.

Previously I was asleep, I wasn’t able to show up authentically. I was far too scared to.

I learned the fundamental VITAL truth – NO-ONE else is responsible for my healthy boundaries or for generating MY wellbeing.

As an adult human being, who is no longer a helpless child, the absolute truth is: I AM.

As victims, we mistakenly hold other people responsible, and this DRASTICALLY hands our power away.

Our development is all about becoming our authentic selves, partnering, backing and being in life truthfully with ourselves and others.

Then I promise you, you will not attract narcissists after a few necessary graduations to know you can deal with them – which is flushing them out, moving on, and not giving them a backward glance.

Have you ever heard the expression “When you no longer fear walking under ladders there will be none in your path?” That is a powerful metaphor and completely accurate.

When you no longer fear narcissists and you show up as your powerful authenticity – Life / The Universe will say “I don’t need to give you those anymore. You’ve passed the test, you graduated!”

However, as long as you remain powerless and a victim and don’t take on your own development toward your authentic self – your very vibe of fear, pain and “I am terrified of narcissists” is EXACTLY the vibe that keeps them coming into your world.

When you become an authentic self, you are inoculated against them, because where there is pure light (authenticity) there can be NO darkness (false selves).

Period …

It is a natural fact, and a quantum fact.

Narcissists are repelled by your authentic presence as powerfully as the myth of vampires recoiling in daylight.

“Light dissolves all darkness” …

Therefore our mission is to heal and become safe in life. Our mission is NOT to learn all we can to protect ourselves against darkness – which means we contract, defend and recoil. It doesn’t work, because we only pollute ourselves and attract and participate in and generate more “darkness” (fear and pain).

Rather, what DOES work is to clean and empower ourselves up enough to become a HUGE bright light.

Doesn’t that feel incredibly powerful?

It should … because it IS.

I really hope this article has cleared up victimised myths, and has helped you feel deeply inside you the truth, the way forward and what your ultimate goal is …

WHO you need to become.

In just 3 days I am hosting the next 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Webinar where I will be sharing the exact steps and tools that I have applied to help thousands of people shift beyond their fear and pain and become their empowered authentic selves in order not just survive narcissistic abuse, but thrive as a result of it.

To claim your spot for this free webinar just click here. 

I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

 

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71 thoughts on “What I Wish I Had Known Before I Met The Narcissist

  1. Hi Mel,

    I cannot thank you enough for your words of wisdom and spot on accuracy when dealing with and describing Narcissists. The hurt and pain I went through for 7 years was horrific. But, thanks to your site I have been truly liberated and Narc free for 2 years, even now I have the occasional message/text from it, which I continue to adopt no contact. I am at the stage where he dosent even enter my mind ( until the text arrives) then I don’t even open it and just put it out of mind.

    I am soo much stronger, have confidence in myself again. Living a full healthy authentic life.

    I cannot thank you enough, your words and advice have been absolutely instrumental in my and thousands of peoples recovery.

    Much love

    1. Hi Jo,

      thank you for your lovely post and please know how welcome you are!

      Isn’t is sooo beautiful when you graduate and develop past even ever thinking about them?

      I am so passionate about everyone knowing this level of freedom is totally available – and life is even better on the other side than it was even before we met them.

      Such is the gift of N-Abuse, when we realise and engage in the deeper purpose to it.

      I am so thrilled you are living that reality!

      Mel xo

  2. Honestly, my courtship was too short for me to notice any red flags. I knew she had been abused and her family was dysfunctional with a narc mother that constantly divided the siblings against each other. The home was full of violence and sexual abuse. I was there I thought to rescue Cinderella, she was seriously cute and I was in love.

    3 days after we were married I realized something was very wrong with her. (aside from 3 nightmares nightly for the first year) She could not be reasoned with. I thought maybe tomorrow she will get better. 22 years of marriage and it only got worse. There was no growth, not once did a conflict get resolved. I used to call it “run, hide and blame from behind her rock”. It had to go her way or I was “bad” and we were not “meant for each other”.

    However she was very skilled at outright lying but did it rarely, she is very cognizant about getting caught. (a religious narc) So instead in her case it was constant gaslighting. Not quite lying but constantly shifting things around to her advantage.

    I fell for it over and over, I was too trusting, too willing to help and she got lots of sadistic pleasure tormenting my weaknesses. The last year of our relationship I made the choice to start working on my own, (I was vainly waiting for her to come and start growing with me and I tired of the wait).

    This is when she began to get frustrated that she could no longer control me. Total freakout when I ignored her threats. I would no longer give attention to her stirring up dramas in the family. I lost my job, so she got rid of me.

    I had also worked with a few narcs. They never finish the session, cut and run and tell everybody how rotten a person I am. I have heard from other therapists the same thing, they cut and run when you get too close to their void of self loathing.

    My ex and I did one marriage counseling session together. I sat there the whole session taking the blame for all the ills on this planet and was quite convinced that indeed it was all my fault. (she must have loved that) In the last 5 minutes I mentioned not being able to resolve conflicts with her. The therapist just then noticed this was the case during the entire session. The ex became infuriated and stomped out, bitterly saying this therapist is no good.

    No more therapy after that.

    1. Wow, Stephen,
      This could be my identical story except mine was only 11 years long. It really helps to see all these things are real and I’m not the crazy nightmare he says for recognizing it. Best wishes on your healing and on your new journey to empowerment.
      Jennifer

    2. Thanks for the great article. And Stephen, thanks for your reply.

      As a man, I realize that my sense of duty, desire to rescue, and my belief that I should ‘weather any storm’ are, in fact, weaknessess in my relationship. Those supposed masculine virtues make me extremely vulnerable to abuse by my longtime girlfriend. Tenacity and endurance may be important in many areas of life, but they are devastating in a relationship with a woman with NPD. I thought for the longest time that she was the problem. I am finally realizing that she is simply who she is. The work needs to be done for me.

      Never resolving an argument, not growing emotionally in the relationship, and listening to her constantly put other people down, among many other things, has exhausted me. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that this is about me, not her. It’s about me learning to support, protect, and nourish myself.

      I realize that an NPD certainly steals energy but also relies on her partner for a normal connection to life. My girlfriend uses my empathy and compassion with others to pretend to have those feelings. She takes my thoughts and words and plays the role of being kind and compassionate with others. However, she has no emotional connection to those feelings at all. As I am becoming more aware, it is more difficult to ignore what goes on.

      Thanks for the great article. And Stephen, thanks for the male perspective. Men and women have some differences in relationship with NPD’s. It’s helpful to hear another man’s experiences.

      All the best to you all.

      1. Rick and Stephen,

        I so appreciate a male perspective. I agree that the male virtues of rescue and persistence get used against men and its good to see the other side of the coin. It helps me not take on the role of female-as-innate-victim with male-as-innate-predator. I am doing a lot of healing around how I see men and this was wonderful for me. Thank you for your insights.

        I am a year and a half from my own narc. I can’t believe how much I have grown. It seems that every time I pull up your site, Melanie, you are perfectly articulating my current phase of upleveling. I would have thought you were victim-bashing two years ago when I was lying beside my boyfriend and voraciously reading every forum on narcissism I could find. But today I know what you mean about not attracting because you are so big and shiny. Two years ago I needed to believe I was victimized because of my specialness and inner soulfulness. Now I know I was just a warm body! Any wounded woman would do!

        My pride was my own form of backward narcissism. It made me vulnerable. As long as a man told me I was special I would ignore every intuition, every inner alarm, and all my friends. Because of my narcissistic parents I was addicted to being seen–by oblivious narcissists. Only by them. The whole world could clap for me but if one person in the audience was texting on his phone and ignoring me HE was the one I wanted attention from. And this was true of my female friendships, too. As Woody Allen once said, “Why would I want to join a club that wanted me as a member?” Only lost causes interested me.

        Melanie, you are so gutsy and wise. Your words just pour from your heart into mine. I grow exponentially with each article. I now understand what you mean to live from the inside out. I never would have understand how to “see” myself even a year ago. Nor would I have understood how hard it can be or how attached I’ve been to my role of resentful/hopeful waiting-to-be-validated invisibility. Being seen? Genuiinely? By myself? Terrifying! And scariest of all has been to see the good and allow that to be loved and allowed. And grieved. I’ve had to grieve the me I gave away so callously and carelessly all my life.

        I am so grateful for you, Melanie, and for this forum and community.

        LauraG

        1. Because of my narcissistic parents I was addicted to being seen–by oblivious narcissists. Only by them. The whole world could clap for me but if one person in the audience was texting on his phone and ignoring me HE was the one I wanted attention from.

          Profound & speaks to my experience totally. Thank you for helping me wake up to this pattern w/in me that I now understand:)))

        2. Hi Laura G,

          so so true that initially, in our highly victimized brain and body chemicals, it does seem like I am victim bashing and blaming!

          Once upon a time I would have ripped anyone’s head off asking me to take a good look at my own stuff!

          I am so thrilled you have grown so much Laura and broken the illusions down to truth to take your power back and deeply change the trajectory of your life at the very core of where it was set up in the first place.

          Thank you for your acknowledgement.

          Laura you are a profound teacher in your own right – it pours from your words and soul. And I know as I type those words I am not telling you anything you don’t already know.

          You have a mission, and it’s coming – I know it!

          Truly Laura it would be gutsy for me NOT to live in truth, because I know how hard, dangerous and painful THAT is.

          Being in truth is easy – it has grace, ease, growth and reward beyond description.

          What else is there to be?

          Mel xo

      2. Hi Rick,

        that is so, so true that many great guys have been pulled in and stayed with abuse out of that sense of duty.

        Please know that is not gender specific … many, many women do “fixing” and “protecting” as well.

        The truth is, martyrdom / fixing plays out for those who have programs regarding being “parents” for their Family of Origin sibling(s) or dysfunctional parent(s) in some shape or form. Or those who had those beliefs instilled by role models playing them out.

        From both sides of the fence (male / female) we are all evolving out of relationships that require a “parent” – us being one or needing one to save us – in order to become a healthy mature non co-dependent “partner” drawing another healthy mature adult.

        That’s the new relationships of equality we are all being called to become and create.

        Mel xo

    3. Hi Stephen,

      what you have written is “key”.

      “Our courtship was too short” …

      This is another of the myths that society, media, movies, fairytales (for women) have perpetuated .. that “love” can be a short , whirlwind affair where we are swept off our feet and live “happily ever after”.

      We are even taught that it is “not romantic” to take our time to get to know someone!

      And we are certainly not taught to look closely at family dynamics. The truth is everyone is making choices, and perceiving their life on auto-pilot (subconsciously generated) 95% of the time in regard to what happened to that person up to 7 years of age.

      Both ex narcs in my life had HORRENDOUS childhoods.

      The only way someone is not going to be affected by a painful /abusive childhood is to have done a lot of re-wiring (work) on their own self – which means not just logical talk therapy, books or seminars – it means work directly on their subconscious.

      The truth is “instant romance” is neither healthy or mature … I’ve done it too, so please don’t think I am insulting you.

      I did it with BOTH narcs, and especially the second one I should have known MUCH better.

      The reason we enmesh too quickly is our own neediness, addiction to pleasure seeking or fears of missing out (lack) etc …

      It is so important to take our time to create relationships at a healthy pace that builds healthy foundations.

      Mel xo

      1. I have been reading your newsletters for the last 11 days. I started reading them after researching “why people lie” and the word narcissism came up. I clicked on your website and have been reading the information since then. I don’t know if I was in a narcissistic relationship or not because some of the evidence is blurry. For instance, the man I broke up with has a close relationship with his children and grandkids. He has a warm side and is at times, very generous. The problem I have is that he lied to me throughout the relationship and when I pulled away from him, he would or at least I think that’s when he did, start a new relationship with someone new or perhaps from his past. But then he would always keep in touch with me. I would go back to him and we would proceed forward but then I found out that he maintained the other relationships as well. So the lying and cheating continued throughout the relationship. Five months ago, I broke it off and have had continuous text messages and phone calls from him. He tells me that he is working on himself-going to therapy and meditating. He says he has changed and that I should give him another chance. I know that I have my problems and based on the readings, I realize that the problems I’m experiencing are definitely based on how I’ve allowed these experiences to happen to me. I guess I’m trying to tease out evidence of what kind of person I’ve been dealing with that constantly texts me with proclamations of change and how I need to trust again. Can a narcissist be warm and loving, but a pathological liar and seducer?

        1. Hi Pamela,

          ohhhh yes – absolutely.

          This is what is known as the altruistic narcissist.

          https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/

          This article will let you know exactly what you are dealing with – also read the comments and you will see how you are NOT the only one by a long shot that has gone through this.

          Again, truly this is about you untangling and healing you – but please do know any affairs, pathological lying is NOT okay – that is decidedly pathological.

          And the truth is IF we were healthy there is no way there would EVER be extra chances (I did the same thing …)

          And that is what needs to heal within you – the parts of you that can even be swayed, the parts of you that have wounds tied up in this.

          Please come into my next Webinar to learn how to untangle and heal those parts. It’s tomorrow so get on to that now – then go read the article.

          Mel xo

          1. Hi Melanie,
            Thank you for the email. I read the article and can see the parallels of behavior that match altruistic narcissism with this man. He comes across as warm, loving, open and accessible. When I met him, I had ended a 5 year relationship with a man I now know I suffered narcissistic abuse from. I’ve read your articles about the signs and I endured years of not even feeling like I was his partner, feeling like I was the one that always made the mistakes and then asking for forgiveness, feelings of inadequacy…then I met the new man at my yoga studio that I practiced at for years. I met him and thought here’s a man who practices yoga so he must be a whole person…and the fact that he was so warm and nice. I remember the first time we talked and how his words seemed to just melt my pain away. What I think I realize now is that he did that to other woman as well because I found a letter from a woman he met while we were together stating how when she met him, she knew they were meant to be together and how she looked forward to the trip to the ocean…I didn’t know he was seeing other women. I look back and can locate red flags that the exes were still in his life and the times when the text messages didn’t match up with his whereabouts and the disappearances…and now after ending the relationship 5 months ago, he is going to therapy, telling me that his abusive childhood caused him to make the decisions he made while he was with me and how I need to trust again and let go of the past. My counselor tells me that I need to not forget the past. Now the ex is telling me that he was diagnosed with some kind of heart problem and he could really use a friend, a hug. And it’s his birthday tomorrow, which of course he reminded me about in case I forgot. It’s as if he knows how to pull my heartstrings, where I feel sympathy and then I battle with myself on how I must be really coldhearted to ignore his pleas and to listen to him so he can explain why he did what he did. He claims he’s changed. So the last lie I caught him in was this: He supposedly went to a men’s retreat to deal with his past childhood stuff at a buddhist location. I remember when he told me that he was going and my mind told me that he seemed a little dramatic about it-like it was this life or death situation he was going to be experiencing. I shelved it but I know I recognized some kind of pattern because I wasn’t convinced. This retreat coincidentally occurred over Valentine weekend. On the 13th, while I was teaching, a dozen red roses arrives in my classroom. I was a little surprised that he did that because I broke up with him and he was supposedly out of town. Then I started receiving text messages on the 15th asking me if I got the flowers, that he was allowed this time to use the phone. This strange thought entered my mind and I had this belief he was on a cruise. I don’t know why I just started to see him on a cruise ship. Well about 3 weeks ago, I agreed to meet him and talk. We ended up at his house. We were sitting on the porch and then he went inside to use the bathroom. I went inside and there on his table was a stack of bills. I did the snoopy thing of looking and there on his credit card statement was billing from Norwegian cruise to the Bahamas February 12th. So the man took it upon himself to make me believe he was doing critical therapy on himself at a men’s retreat while he was really on a concert cruise in the Bahamas. Of course I did the accountability thing I’m so good at. He admitted to it. I even gave him the benefit of the situation by stating that I can understand why one would want to go on a cruise but why he wanted me to believe he was at a retreat is beyond me. He said he needed to go on a cruise because he was feeling lonely and I wouldn’t spend any time with him. I reminded him that he wasn’t beholden to me and so it wasn’t necessary to lie. So that was just two months ago and he wants me to believe he’s not the man he used to be. He sends me texts messages reminding me that we are here to love one another and that I should let the past be in the past and try to understand people change for the good of a relationship. These kinds of messages play with my mind and heart. I feel as if I’ve believed in forgiveness all my life. Now I’m wondering what is the role of forgiveness in a relationship with someone who clearly has pathological issues in telling the truth? What is my truth I guess I need to address. Thank you for your time.

          2. Pamela,

            you are welcome.

            What is so vital is the understanding “so within / so without” … people do not turn up to melt away our pain, they turn up to reflect it back to us.

            Often it can take several painful relationships to realise that as a generative source of our own experience we need to generate a certain level of wholeness within our own being to connect with another whole person.

            What is also important to understand is when a person has been capable of pathological behaviour there are serious inner wiring issues that just don’t “go away” because someone professes they have.

            This is a common hoovering trick with N’s. I totally believe once pathological lines are crossed there is no deal. It would take years of dedicated inner work and subconscious reprogramming with full humility and dedication to do that.

            Because pathological level means one thing – HUGE inner being damage.

            I have never seen one person capable of pathological acts be that dedicated and diligent. It just doesn’t happen.

            Not when they can still keep getting what they want by making promises that they have no ability to uphold.

            That is just my professional and personal opinion.

            Is he in therapy? Is he dedicated to finding and fully facing his childhood issues and healing them? Is he willing to leave you alone until he can be a safe individual who can be an honest, mature, adult partner?

            If you connected with him and sat down and laid firm boundaries for these things how would he react – or would he shift gears and start twisting, projecting and guilt tripping – or using any other tactic to get you to lay that boundary down?

            Or would he tell you to stick it IF you insisted on those healthy clear lines?

            THAT would be very likely.

            The other questions for you personally Pamela: “Are you susceptible enough and not in your deservedness to take ‘words that you want to hear’ as evidence that he will be safe and can love you honestly?”

            I can’t recommend pulling into you and your healing enough – I hope you were able to join me in the Webinar today.

            Mel xo

          3. Hi Melanie,

            Thank you for the email. Yes, I did listen to the podcast and want to listen to the tape version again, as I had to take some breaks. Much of what you say is related to our childhood wounds and how it translates into our adult behavior. In response to the email, thank you again. I believe I am susceptible to hearing what I want to hear. It saddens me that someone can be so good at misleading. And, yes he is in therapy and I have a feeling I would just hear-again-what I want to hear. The interesting news is that a kind of revelation struck me this weekend about how my communication pattern-both structure and pace-with him is really messed up and I took responsibility for it. I thought how I’m the one engaging in it rather than how he continuously contacts me. It kinda made me mad-not in downer way-but a good anger. I could go on and on with this and I wish I could but it would be pages…Thank you for the support and kindness you send.

      2. Dear Mel,
        I couldn’t agree with you more that courtship shouldn’t be short. I got married within a month 20 years ago. I didn’t take my time to see any cracks. What was I thinking? Then when I started to see them, I was already hooked and rationalized all of them. 20 years later I’m in the midst of a very complicated divorce from a narc.
        Loved you article- love all your articles! and admire your work!
        Thank you so much.

  3. ‘Authenticity as the true defence’… This is, without doubt, the most solid thing I learned ( perhaps it is the only thing we need to learn) about my recovery to thriving from narcissistic abuse : that I was never, truly authentic. It would have terrified and appalled me in the past to think that, let alone articulate it. Today I feel free and quietly powerful to KNOW that this was why I manifested that harrowing episode in my live: to live my life authentically. Thank you for such a beautiful reminder of that. On a lighter note I am reminded of the quote by Ocar Wilde ” Be yourself; everyone else is taken” … Love and light x

    1. Hi Teresa,

      that truly is the entire message – if we were to encapsulate it into “one thing”.

      If we are not an authentic self we are going to combine with people who are not authentic selves.

      What are narcissists?

      False Selves!

      I am so happy for you that you have freed yourself, as a result of this, to become your Authentic Self!

      Mel xo

        1. Hi Minadora,

          becoming “authentic” is sooo generic, and big.

          It means cleaning ourselves up to show up fully – honouring, backing ourselves, being calm, direct and truthful – and being able to make decisions that honour truth, regardless of what we may “lose”.

          So what that means is cleaning up everything that is not allowing you to do that.

          This is the entire healing journey – it’s all of it. NARP is the first step of cleaning up abuse programs so that we are not derailed from our very young unhealed wounds which are subconsciously sabotaging us.
          https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/index.htm#NARP

          Then if there is a lot of Family of Origin stuff (abuse / neglect / emotional absence) I highly suggest working through TFFOW Progam
          https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/index.htm#transformingFamilyOfOriginWounds

          And then the next step to really elevate beyond codependency is the Empowered Self Course.
          https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/empoweredself-course.html

          I hope this helps!

          Mel xo

  4. Melanie,
    Do NPD’s get worse in their behaviour as they get older? I have recently separated from one and she got worse over last 3 to 4 years.

    1. Hi JP,

      there are a couple of things here ..

      Firstly to answer your question – “Yes” – Absolutely … pathology is a breaking down of the True Self as the False Self takes over – which is unsavoury, unhealthy and self destructive.

      Egos destroy their hosts – so yes narcissists get worse with age.

      The second thing is the very fact that you are asking this question means that you are handing your power over, your focus is not on what this article was all about – which is healing and empowering you.

      Any and every understanding that you try to get about narcissists is not going to provide that.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Mel,
        I take your point. I asked because the deterioration in the level of atrocious NPD behaviour in the last few years was something I still find unbelievable. I never would have thought someone’s behaviour could change so much for the worse in a period of a few years and destroy a family like it has.

        1. Hi JP,

          unconsciousness destroys everything in its presence. Not being able to fathom (accept) how someone can do that, means staying attached to it, which allows them to do it, or keeps the damage going from afar.

          Accept that everyone does their behaviour according to their level of development and consciousness WITHOUT exception. And what you have seen is a direct reflection of that.

          Expecting an unconscious person to “get” it “fix” it or “make amends for it” is like expecting a crocodile to roll over while you pat its tummy.

          Acceptance is key – “it is what it is” – THAT sets you free to clean up the damage inside of you – which is the only damage you have any control over.

          As well as the strong boundaries which say “no more, you are on your own now with this behaviour.”

          Mel xo

      2. The second thing is the very fact that you are asking this question means that you are handing your power over, your focus is not on what this article was all about – which is healing and empowering you.

        Any and every understanding that you try to get about narcissists is not going to provide that.

        WOW Melanie!! I needed to hear that:)))))) Thank you for saving me from this pattern:)

  5. Well I think this came about at the right time. I was dumped again 6 months ago for another woman. I went no contact. It’s been devastatingly hard. I read a lot, and yes I got tired of the constant fear that narcs will always get you. Well yeah they will if you let them. This is what I need, to heal me enough to not go down that road again and to stand up for myself. Everything you stated here is the truth. I need to deal with myself. Yes I realize now that I had a narcissistic mom, I was her caretaker and rescuer. When she died I met the narc that took her place. He was so much like her I would even sarcastically say “yes mother” when he was raging at me. As hard as this is, this man was a blessing to me. I am seeing where I projected my own wounds, and he took a lot of time to point this out to me. He was wounded too. My codependent self thought I could help him. He once told me he wasn’t my project. I didn’t realize how messed up I was. He is a narc, all the lying and triangulation, cheating, porn, alcoholism and the like. But he did teach me a lesson. And he knew what he was doing and saying. I will have a spot in my heart for him always, I was in love. His care and attention to me could only go so far. I will continue on my journey to set healthy boundaries, and help myself first. I recognize where I was hurt at an early age. And will take the responsibility to get myself where I need to be. It’s my job, not someone else’s. It seems that narcs and victims have a lot in common. One turns the hurt into narcissism and the other turns the hurt I to codependancy. Two different peas in the same pod. Thanks, this really helped a lot.

    1. It seems that narcs and victims have a lot in common. One turns the hurt into narcissism and the other turns the hurt I to codependancy. Two different peas in the same pod. ..

      You hit the nail right on the head there

    2. Hi Mary,

      “That” constant fear “narcissists can / will get you” is the biggest conspiracy on this planet that filters through and down at every level to STOP people being free and being their authentic selves.

      It is so disturbing that the beliefs in this are perpetuated like a virus. Even by those who have the best intentions (trying to protect victims) have caught this virus.

      THAT is what is destroying our world and making us all so fearful, diminished and crippled.

      Absolutely the unconsciousness of abuse has affected narcissists and co-dependents. It is two sides of the same coin (I wrote a provious article all about this).

      What is so important to understand is: when we are “in love” with a pathological person who will NEVER be available to love – we are not “in love” from a healthy mature developed self.

      We are “in love” from the wounded child essence who is trying to fix the pain of childhood – through this person who represents it now – the narcissist.

      That’s not love – its fear, wounds, pain and obsession.

      When we heal that, the illusion of “being in love” is released, and we come home to loving ourselves healthily and we graduate to be able to generate healthier love experiences.

      Mel xo

  6. After reading this message from Melanie I remembered something that I saw on a TV show once (and even wrote it down because it was sooo RIGHT) and it went like this:

    “Certain people show us who they really are, but we ignore it because we ‘want them to be who we want them to be’ … So … When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM” !!!

    The word Narcissist popped into my head IMMEDIATELY!!! And how true this is!

  7. Funny that this quote “Be yourself, everyone else is taken ” came from a big Narcissist: Oscar Wilde.

    1. Hi Sylvia,

      from an N point of view that has merit – N’s want to be “unique” and not like anyone else.

      From an authentic point of view – giving oneself permission to be “self” isn’t egoic!

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Mel,
        Thanks for your Answer and for the wonderful and precious work you make to help victims of Narsissistic abuse!
        I think this quote was said in a moment from narcissistic injury from O Wilde. He has all his life a figth between his real Self and his false Self.
        I find funny, that a narc abussed uses the quote from a narc. I don’t mean thats not have a good intentuin in its meaning. In the periods of narzisstic injury my ex Partner looked very reflected about yourself. Shame thats was for no longer!
        I try to heal myself with your Programm and I think your vision of the Problem help me to find the right problems that I have in me.
        Kinds regards

  8. Hi Mel,
    I have been reading your site over the past 11 months and it got me through some dire moments.
    My PTSD lifted a bit, but has come back now my husband is almost turning my youngest child against me. I was always so close to both my boys. So the agoraphobia is back.
    Your emails always turn up at the right time.
    Thanks so much for all you do

  9. Once again, your article has an eerie timeliness in my life. I had a traumatic malignant narc boyfriend experience that ended over a year ago, with your NARP program I recovered my life and more.
    I then met a man who appeared to be anything but a narc. In fact he was the opposite of my ex in every aspect. Quiet, humble and soft spoken. We dated without sex for weeks. What I didn’t know was I had pulled in a Covert Narcissist.
    Once the physical relationship started a couple of red flags appeared. Then more. I scrambled to reassess my situation. He was subtly triangulating me, subtly invalidating me and making me feel unwanted. Then he would become nice again. Hot n cold. When he was hot he was wonderful.

    I decided that my attraction to him was going to be a lesson for me. Rather than run away I went into the relationship fully equipped with the knowledge that I was entering a snake pit. I wanted to observe my own reactions and use them to understand myself better. Long story short, I am out of the relationship unscathed. I am stronger than before.
    I learned that his wake of destruction of women was perhaps even greater than that of the overt narc. His joy comes from rejecting women and feeling their pain. But every time he tried to reject me he couldn’t get his dose because I was too aware of his game. We’re just friends now.
    After several months of really getting into my own feelings and reactions with him, his power just waned away. It was a really good experience at the end of the day. To simply observe a Narcissist in action without internalizing his behavior. My inner peace is more intact than before.
    Thank you Melanie.

    1. Hi Nikita,

      It has been a joy seeing your journey …

      Absolutely!

      What you do know, however is that not too long ago, there were some big wounds that needed shifting (of course we all have gone through this!) …

      And maybe even though you did come out with awareness and empowerment – you walked a fine line that you did not really need to do.

      If ever we are entering a snake pit purposefully – why do we need to do that? Do we need to have the attraction to challenge, danger or drama at that level?

      Hopefully you will not need to go there at that level again to “see” what you can see, and simply make your life wonderment journey more direct.

      As I stated in this article – there are too many amazing situations and people to connect to – so why waste time playing in a snake pit?

      I hope you accept this with the love it is intended, and also I certainly dont want anyone to use the “excuse” of “I know but I am dong this for my own development” to get involved purposefully with someone they know isn’t right.

      They may not be able to come out of it as unscathed as you did.

      Mel xo

  10. Thank you Melanie for always validating and so clearly expressing what a narc abused person feels like and has experienced.

    Reading other experiences in your forums is awesome too. ..so helps to validate what my gut has been saying.

    You’ve helped me in ways no other therapist, healer, self help program ever could or has. All those I tried for my whole life. …the just have a positive attitude approach which the narcissists would tell me there was something wrong with me. ..none of that helped. Merely a band aid to make it through.

    I actually think you were so lucky to have a complete psychotic breakdown….God moves in strange ways.

    Getting stronger every day! ! No more easy feed for predators.

    1. Hi Jean,

      you are so welcome,and I am so pleased my material and NARP Program has been able to help you so profoundly.

      I totally agree Jean – I feel so blessed that I had a total mental / physical breakdown.

      I had to be completely out of my mind to FINALLY understand the truth!

      Mel xo

  11. Hi Melanie
    Thank you for your wisdom . Again , you have lit the candle . I am so grateful for all of this and beginning to get my life back . Narp , the forum , and the work are saving us one by one , step by step , and one day at a time . Thank you again for my life . Love , Deb

  12. Thank you, Mel, for such a clarifying and timely blog. While I’ve been out for almost 4 years, and “no contact” for over 2 years, it’s taken almost this long to come to the realization that my life now is what I make it. It’s up to me. If I met a man like my ex-N today, they wouldn’t mess with me too long because I won’t put up with B.S. – games, lying, double talk, etc. I’ve run into a few narcs over the past couple of years and once I realized it, I just kept on walking. No fear and no doubt. Today, I laugh, dance and enjoy being a light source, not only for myself but for those closest to me. Life is too short to stay in the victim mode. Granted, he didn’t treat me right – actually he treated me like his own worst enemy at times. But, I can now say and believe that that was more of a reflection of who he is rather than who I am. I’m moving ahead in the right direction – my direction – and I can honestly say that my life is better than even before ex-N entered my life. I guess he taught me to see the beauty in everyday, normal occurrences. So, I can silently thank him for teaching me probably one of the greatest lessons of my life – how to love myself and make my life as good as it can be for me.

    1. Hi Pam R.,

      how wonderful that you have taken the power back to yourself, and taken on the responsibility for your own wellbeing and boundaries.

      Great that you are generating positivity in your life.

      Mel xo

  13. Thanks. What I realized after subscribing to Melanie is that while I had been trying to improve on how I dealt with things EXTERNALLY, I had done absolutely nothing to deal with the really important things INTERNALLY.

    I had perfected the art of shutting down and shutting out things I didn’t want to deal with. I simply buried them and moved on. No post mortem. No review. No dealing… And I think this basically led, (for me) to ‘no healing’. The things I buried just went on festering inside me. The wounds were still there even though I refused to acknowledge or examine them. And all along, I told myself that I was “growing up” and “building myself” because I was able to shut things out when I needed to! Never once did I seriously examine WHY I ever got into these situations that required me to eventually “shut them out” in the first place… Not until my latest experience.

    He may not know it, but in a way, my narc saved me. Had it not been for him, I wouldn’t be on this journey of discovery. Discovering about NPD has led me to seek to know myself. My true self. It’s not an easy thing to do. I’ve had to go back and exhume old memories that are both scary and painful. But I’m being patient with myself, and gentle too. And that’s as good a place to start as any. 🙂

    1. Hi Carol,

      it is so true that our internal is key – because that is where our life is being generated from.

      That is the pivotal point between people who evolve and those who don’t (in any area of life) – “Am I going to try to make changes externally only, or am I going to transform myself internally?”

      So, so true burying issues does not solve them.

      As Debbie Ford famously said “If we don’t deal with our shadows (fear / pain / trauma) they deal with us.”

      I totally agree – the level of gratitude I have towards both N’s is HUGE … if it was not for them I would not be living life at this level.

      How wonderful that you embrace the gift as well 🙂

      Yes we do need to walk through the fire to get to the other side, of the pain and fears inside us – yet the transformation is worth every millimeter of the journey.

      Mel xo

  14. Yes, I met my N while still grieving the loss of my husband twelve years before, and not realizing it.
    He was my house mate and made himself my best friend and then used everything I told him about my marriage, my husband’s illness and death, and my unfulfilled hopes thereof to get what he wanted from me.

    1. Hi Jessica,

      Yes – he did what every N does “naturally” … seek the weak spot, find the “on” switch and work with both to extract N supply.

      Bless and hugs for your healing.

      Mel xo

  15. Hi Mel,
    I so love your analogy of “A lioness does not go for the biggest strongest buck. Instead she picks off the injured deer at the edge of the pack. Predators don’t target strong capable animals. They single out prey with weaknesses, with vulnerabilities. They choose an animal that will convert into a meal without too much of a fight.”
    This describes perfectly why a narcissists inflict abuse (emotional, physical and sexual) on children.
    As adults, victims now have the power to clean up false programs instilled in them by their abuser. The programs retained by the victim are not theirs, they are that of the abuser and we must get them out of ourselves, so as not to attract or repeat abuse further into our lives.
    That’s when our freedom begins.
    Much love and admiration to you
    Annie

    1. Hi Annie,

      absolutely this is about cleaning up our wounds.

      I would agree with you to a point … or maybe it is just a clarification.

      Our original wounds are very similar to the N’s wounds, and enough of a match for us to energetically pair us with certain abusers.

      When we get deep into our healing we realise the point blank “matches”. Once we clean up our wounds there are no wounds allowing “enmeshment”. It is not so much as extricating the N’s stuff, as our own – truly.

      Then the N’s stuff has no “hold” in our being – it is energetic mis-match.

      It’s only when we work at deep subconscious levels we understand how “matched” it was.

      In no way does this means we are conscienceless like N’s, it just means we had very similar fears / insecurities that were playing out on the other side of the coin.

      Mel xo

  16. Hi Melanie,
    Superbly written as always.
    This one in particular is 100% correct. Took me 2 years to work it out and now I’m free thou regular self analysis and work from within is on going.
    If I may – I heard a song on the radio a while back and so reminds me of my journey.
    To all you thrivers and emerging thrivers have a listen sometime
    Christina Perrin – Jar of Hearts

    Regards to you all .

    1. Hi Mark,

      thank you – and how wonderful that you have worked it out!

      Very true that once we start the inner journey of evolving ourselves, it is ongoing! Why wouldn’t it be when there is so much joy and “life” in continual personal expansion?

      Keep up the great work 🙂

      Mel xo

  17. I am extremely grateful for coming across your website. I just know that my Divine Inner Guidance led me here. I have been asking my Inner Guidance to help me figure out how to live my life authentically, in a manner where I could thrive, not just survive.

    You see, my entire life I have felt that my relationsips with men have had an unnatural essence to them. The men I dated and the one I married all seem to lack basic human qualities such as warmth, compassion and empathy. Whenever I would complain to family about this I would be told that men are just different and that I was just too picky. No one is perfect. I was told that if I continued to be so picky, that I wind up old and alone.

    Still, these relationships felt off and unnatural. I started to lose myself and have panic attacks. I never felt safe.

    I now understand that I need to be authentic in order to be safe. They say that the truth is simple and lies are complicated. Laws of nature are simple, but when violated the results lead to terribly complicated lives. I now choose to follow these simple, natural laws because they truly resonate with me. I completely understand that when my inner life heals, this will be reflected outwardly just as much as my shattered inner world reflected outwardly via Narc relationships.

    I am 54 years old and diligently working on my recovery with your programs. I only wish that I would have learned these truths earlier. Still, it is never too late to learn. QuIality of life is important at any age.

    1. Hi Bea,

      I am so thrilled that you found your way here after putting out that request to the Universe.

      It is sooo not too late for you – you are still so young, and our new model of life I believe is going to see us all living way past 100!

      I also believe the happier we get the younger we become!

      Fabulous that you are now dedicated to you and making the second half of your life spectacular.

      Mel xo

  18. I’ve been tormented my whole life by a covert narcissistic mother who is a master manipulator @ triangulating my siblings & other relatives and using them as flying monkeys to attack me (abuse by proxy). I reached a point where I was drawing these covert/malignant narcissist like flies on honey. I can see now how the fear/trauma not only erodes your emotional health but your physical health as well. Getting these people out of your life can be a life & death issue; may sound dramatic but, I have read many articles now re: how physically ill people can get by staying connected. Thank You Tonia for your timely wisdom & offering this information so I can can learn how to love my authentic self & learn how to stand up for myself by setting healthy boundaries-despite their threats/punishments…I am working on no contact..

    1. Hi Susan,

      I think it is so, so vital when we need to break out of victimisation to take the damning, righteous expressions out of conversations.

      Because that is a classic part of feeling victimized – blaming and shaming – it doesn’t feel good in our bodies and it certainly doesn’t help us get well.

      The most righteous, stuck forums use the expressions “flying monkeys”.. which I find really interesting – because ALL of us when we were stuck in N-abuse and illusions, and idolising this person a our “source of everything” were no better.

      We ALSO BELIEVED the lies, we went in to bat and we also protected the narcissist from innocent people that the narcissist was abusing – believing the narcissist’s version.

      I find that the most righteous of victims are usually the people who did these things themselves the MOST.

      (I used to be one of them!!!)

      This is an expression under Code of Conduct I would not respond to in my NARP and Webinar Forums, for this reason.

      Keep healing Susan … take responsibility , find your unhealed parts and focus on them – not what everyone has or is doing to you.

      The key is: “What are the parts inside me that this is triggering – or has triggered?”.

      Then you will emerge out and come home to you.

      Mel xo

  19. Intuition is a powerful thing – don’t ignore it. As Melanie stated, her intuition was screaming out to warn her that the narc was dangerous – it’s all about the way you feel. As you move nearer in proximity to the narc you will feel uncomfortable in one way or another eg fear, anxiety, depression etc. This is the first sign that something is terribly wrong and you would do well to run at this point..no matter how much fun you are having (as we all know narcs are usually a fun drug).
    If you have talked yourself out of the uncomfortable feeling as Melanie did and we have all done (but should not have) the next warning sign will be a shock when the narc says or does something I call “indecent” In Melanie’s case he told her how poorly he had regarded all the women before her. Yeeks! In my case he asked to borrow money after knowing me only one week. Hello!
    Friends we are on to them and it is up to us (to quote Melanie) “to keep the good in and the bad out”!
    Cheers,
    Karen

    1. Hi Karen,

      so, so true.

      And what we need to be aware of – is if we have wounds in the game we will NOT trust our intuition or we will explain it away – NO MATTER how much we “know” better.

      A huge one for me was “fear of abandonment” … a mainly 3 – 5 year old series of wounds. All a man had to do, (once in relationship) was threaten leaving and I would throw every boundary down the drain to not lose him.

      Because this needy terrified young child part of me, inside me, was controlling my emotions – my mind made up EVERY excuse to explain away red flags – even after being a world expert on N/A and even when my intuition was screaming to me.

      The truth was my abandonment wounds were screaming louder – until I FINALLY committed to finding them, releasing them and up-levelling them.

      Now they simply don’t exist anymore, and I show up with boundaries as a mature adult instead of a terrified child.

      THIS is the deepest learning we need to understand – if we have wounds in the game – then we will be controlled by those wounds.

      Hence why the wounds need to cleaned up – period – for us to be able to show up authentically.

      Mel xo

  20. I was a new widow taking care of two elderly parents and had been in this church for nine years. The pastor came forward to ‘take care of me’ because I was a widow in the church. I was vulnerable and believed this was what churches did. I was in leadership and the pastors had positioned themselves as my friends also.

    Unfortunately, I believed their telling me ‘don’t worry Angie, we are taking care of you.’ They were letting one of the elders daughter’s family live in my house saying they were going to buy it, however nothing was happening; they were not even covering my expenses of taxes and insurance, and I was paying the utilities. After FIFTEEN months, I said it had to quit. One of the pastors told me I couldn’t make them move out because ‘I’ would look bad to the church. Excuse me, they were the ones that were lying to me and free loading and ‘I’ was the one that was going to look bad to the church?

    I finally had the family in the house evicted. The pastors would not answer and/or return my phone calls or my emails. The locks had been changed. When I got in the house to sell the property, it cost me tens of thousands of dollars to repair the damages that had been done to the property to get it ready to sell. I had an attorney write a letter to ask for payment of just some of what was owed me. In return I got papers saying I was going to be sued for slander, and a list of other things.

    Hindsight, I clearly see the narcissist in the pastors and the lies. I see how some people can lie better than tell the truth. But I was totally caught off guard to see it so prevalent in the church. And I have found out that many pastors are narcissist. It is a very sad situation. Many people were hurt in that church that I left; I wasn’t the only one. And I found out after I left that it was part of ‘the biggest cult that you’ve probably never heard of.’

    I hope many people read “What I Wish I Had Known Before I Met The Narcissist”.

    1. Hi Angie,

      it comes as a huge shock to many that narcissism can appear “anywhere” – even sectors we have been programmed to trust.

      That is so hard what you went through – especially at such a vulnerable and grief stricken time of your life.

      It does, all however come back to the same “learning gift” of our necessary evolution.

      “As adults no-one is responsible for our wellbeing, boundaries and health other than ourselves”. It is all about us becoming a model of self-empowerment and being the conscious generative source of our own life.

      This means we don’t do business on handshakes – we make sure we know our worth enough to protect our rights, have contracts and honour ourselves.

      The truth is if we a) are not already doing this, or b) have not earned the energetic right of having problem free business transactions – we DO have problems with deservedness, assertion and boundaries.

      When we are really honest with ourselves, we realise that before the “big bad wolf experience” (That was painful enough to get our attention) we had been doing the pattern of unhealthy boundaries for some time.

      It was OUR pattern – and our soul needed to generate a big enough wake up call so that the unconscious could become conscious and we could get down to the business of evolving this pattern. (Then of course we won’t need to keep experiencing the pain of it!)

      Then, truly – even though the lesson may have been expensive in human terms – the gift of our own evolution is priceless in bigger picture terms.

      That is the massive difference of GROWING through experiences or simply attempting to GO through them.

      Our soul co-creating with life ONLY has our highest best in mind – ALWAYS.

      Mel xo

  21. Interesting and very coincidental !!!!!!!! For I developed the same insights about narcissists and predators — how just a few weeks ago.
    Since I have had to deal with stealth covert undercover global financial pin drop narcissism…..I had no idea….and I was alone— no close people in my life —-circumstantially crippled. 22 years and 17 years for my child ……and we both have seen every hell …alone. Anyway….what I see is the absolute focus on healing —which i get logically knowing what NPD is all about now….BUT I dont see any focus on developing a real understanding of narcissism, when realization begins to dawn, miraculously….if lucky !!!!!!! NPDs have a wiring that few get …and each is unique…and NPD is such a FOOLPROOF personality that I guess there is no point in getting it ??? I disagree….especially if ones life is an absolute sunk cost….

    1. Hi Radhika,

      getting something “logically” means we don’t get it – because we have not embodied it as “knowing”.

      Self healing is like this – you don’t start getting it, until you actually do it.

      It’s no different from wanting to lose 20 pounds, you don’t achieve that until you exercise.

      Narcissism is far from being a perfect personality disorder. It is a False Self, it isn’t even real. It is parasitical and can’t generate it’s own energy. It needs the fear and pain of people outside of it to feed it – in order to EVEN exist.

      Without that it wouldn’t.

      That is why this is not even about narcissists, because they can only ever be in our experience co-creating agony with us when there is a part of ourselves susceptible.

      The healing thus is not understanding the narcissist’s unconsciousness (except that yes they are black holes that do exist) it is ALL about finding, understanding and up-levelling OUR unconsciousness which has allowed them to enmesh, feed and power up from our gaps – on micro or macro scales.

      In other words healing our own wounds that are aligned with fear and pain.

      Existence and Quantum Law does not throw dice …

      Mel xo

  22. “I would err to “logical facts”, other people’s opinions, or simply be so confused about whether or not my own feelings had any merit at all and I certainly did not have a voice. Inevitably I went along with what others wanted instead – believing they had more authority and clues about my life than I did.”

    OMG! This has generally been huge a problem of mine. JESÚS! Not much independence. This is why I was and still am drawn to your material. Even though one has never been n-abused, there is still a lot to learn here because the basis is co-dependency. It all begins with ourselves.

    I’m learning to love myself and it’s the toughest thing I’ve ever tried to do.

    You are what you create.
    Gojira – The Link

    1. Hi Gudmundur,

      you are so right – having been narcissistically abused is not the necessary criteria to work with these principles on ourselves.

      Co-dependency – not being a source to ourselves is the deal!

      Narcissistic abuse is simply one of the symptoms that can come from that.

      Mel xo

  23. Hi Mel. What a beautiful inspiring message. You are so supportive and understanding and beautifully vulnerable. The wounded deer in the headlights…that has been me. The way to the light is to own the dark, the way to be light in the world is to have faced the pain, and worked it through. I thought my marriage would be my ‘way out’, my rescue, my hero…. Turns out my marriage was a distraction from my pain that I thought my marriage would heal. The red flags were screaming at me, and I absolutely justified it, because I thought I would not find someone better. But how wonderful it is, that God used what was meant for my harm, to bring about such good. This would only come, through my complete and utter surrender, which is my daily practise, most of the time :). God could only begin healing me, once I was ready to admit what was ‘in me’, that needed to be faced, my pride, my ego, my shame, my clinging to pain. I am feeling so much more whole, and loved, and accepted, and human…but the deepest one right now, is I feel more at peace with myself as I am, than I have in many years.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      what you have written is so beautiful and so profound.

      You are so very welcome, I truly feel blessed to be doing the work I do.

      I love all of what you wrote here, and couldn’t agree more.

      That is true transcendence and evolution – accepting ‘This is in me’ and taking the responsibility to meet it, release it and replace it with ‘light’.

      No wonder you feel so released and at peace.

      That is what evolving ourselves creates!

      Bless and big love to you!

      Mel xo

  24. Hi Sarah,

    there is healing to go with you – because what you are receiving from him is a match for wounds that are still playing out within you.

    I am not saying this in any way to shame or blame you – it just is what it is.

    Sarah learning about narcs is not enough to stop being abused by them – especially if you can’t get out of their vicinity (joint parenting), and even if you could get away from him – learning about them is still not enough to not be contracted in life, fearful of them, have the tendency to keep attracting them to you, and staying hurt and obsessing about what they did to you.

    This article was all about taking the necessary responsibility to heal our wounded parts – our gaps – that allowed this to manifest in our experience in the first place.

    For you to “stop” what is happening to you via him, there is a necessity for you to clean up the wounds that are the ‘magnet’ allowing it in your reality.

    When you work at and up-level those inner aspects of yourself, then he MUST change in your experience.

    Then the issues will clean up .. truly – as the always do.

    So my only suggestion is only ever “do the inner work”.
    No amount of ‘outer” strategies can ever make up for lack of “inner beingness”. In other words when we are not aligned inside us we can only receive misalignment outside of us – NO matter what we try to “do”.

    My next Webinar is what you need to be in Sarah, so that you can deeply, deeply get your head around that what I am saying is the truth.

    Mel xo

  25. Several years ago I did your course on healing from N-abuse. I, finally, connected to my feelings, under your guidance. That left me with a vast store of knowledge about N’s and a dawning understanding of my broken spots. I really didn’t know where to go from there. I was a member of your facebook fourm but felt, instinctively, that my being there was keeping me trapped in the blame the N’s, trying to logic myself out of pain or, worst of all for me, trying to validate my experience/suffering by “helping” others. So I left. I floundered around for awhile until I had the eureka that what I was suffering from was a mega dose of codependency. I went to the local meeting of CODA and quickly realized that it was a morass of people stuck in the blame the abuser, not figure out how to make yourself healthy and whole. Again, back to the drawing board. I did a ton of reading about codependency

    1. posted before I was done.

      * All of this lead to the place I am now, which is at peace. I finally understand what is me and what is “other”. Just in time to turly be with some loved ones as they process their own experiences with N’s. I know I haven’t completed my journey, but I do know who my traveling companion is…Me.

      Thank you for all the work you do it has profoundly changed me…which has profoundly changed my life.

  26. I came across your site while doing what many others as you said have done…googling “cheaters” “narcissists” etc and have found your words and articles inspirational. You see, I have recently learned, while reading your countless articles, that the man I am/was in love with is a narcissist.

    It all started 3 years ago…Recently divorced at the time I went online and tried a dating website. Within a month met my ex whom I fell in love with at the time. We developed a close relationship. He was charming, sweet, all the things one wants in a man. It only took a couple of months before he would add drama to our relationship….little things I thought at the time. He would accuse me of still being in love with my ex, never having enough time for him ( I have 2 kids), would sometimes text/call and sometimes would not. Learned he had a very small circle of friends, never really made an effort to see me, never met his family, but through friends of mine heard he was a great guy and very “well respected” in the job he held. Mind you he is an officer in a very large fire dept.So I dealt with it. Being out of the game for awhile I thought this was normal. One night I decided to go out with some girlfriends for a bite to eat and he called. He heard music in the background and accused me of being a “party girl.” Told me we were over and did not hear from him for a good week or so. The silent treatment. Needless to say at this point I had fallen hard and did not take his absence well. I have come to learn now that he was not faithful the entire time. We went our separate ways for awhile, both dating others, but still kept in touch. I chalked it up to we got too close too fast, both being recently divorced, and not the fact that he was a narcissist. Months went by and we would casually text until we decided to get together for a drink. At that point he invited me to a wedding and I would meet his family. Big step for a guy who never really involved me in his life. I was estatic being that I truly had a soft spot for this guy. A month in he invites me to Miami, a trip he had already planned prior to us reconnecting, for his 40th bday. WOW! I was over the moon. I couldn’t believe we were finally together for good….so i thought. The next year went by with highs, lows, times of being together when it suited him (my family took him and his kids on fully paid vaca to the Atlantis) and lows. It was on vacation where i actually did the thing that most of us want to do when we suspect cheating. I was putting his cell phone in the safe and couldnt help the nagging feeling that i should check. So I did. Multiple women dating back from as early as Oct….remember the trip to Miami? In between the wedding with his family and the trip he took another woman to a formal FD dinner; meanwhile I went to Miami, spent $1000 on an airline ticket and thought I was the only one. He had been dating woman after woman. The night before we left for vacation told a woman that HE was taking HIS children BY HIMSELF to the Atlantis, a vaca he could never afford, and would get together with her when they got back. MInd you they had been having phone sex/text messages the enitre time. Things were said that I will probably never erase from my mind. So here I am on vaca and on the last day I confront him. He says “we were never really committed like married so he didnt see the harm.” IDK..to me being on vaca with my family and our children is pretty much committed??? Then he blasts me for going through his phone and invading his privacy. We get home and he begs for another chance. I agree, probably too easily, and ask him to erase all phone numbers, texts, etc from all these women. Again, he made no significant fight. I was fighting to save the relationship more then he was in retrospect.

    Fast forward to Oct…..he accuses me one random night of having a “secret life” on facebook. I rarely post on FB, mostly of my kids, but has a raging argument with me and accuses me of being a liar and says never speak to him again. He rips up our pictures, tears up cards and sends me all of these things in a photo text message. For a couple days after I pleaded, begged, cried and told him I had no idea what he was talking about, what “secret life.” I never do anything, never go out, rarely even talk to my friends of 20 plus years anymore, and begged him to give me one more chance. At this point he activates his own fb account and adds woman after woman to the page. Anytime I asked who they were he told me to mind my business.

    The end of Nov was my sisters wedding. About 2 weeks before he starts arguing with me about her fiance. He said he didnt “like him.” Told me he thought he was a show off, was nothing but a loser and wouldnt stand to be in the same room as him. But I begged him to still come with me to the wedding as I was the maid of honor and did not want to be alone. FOR 2WEEKS we argued nonstop. He was coming; then he wasnt. My family and friends were convinced he would never disrespect me or my family in that way. Sure enough, the day of the wedding, he texts me in the am and says he is sorry but cannot bear to see my sister marry a “zero” and neither him or his parents were coming. He told me he saw who I stood up for (my sister and her husbamd) and he could never be with someone who had no regard for his feeling. So I had to face the whole day/night by myself, heartbroken, sad and lonely. At that point I (thought) I was done.

    Holidays are lonely. I am the first to admit even after the wedding, I could not let go. I still called him, texted him, tried to make plans to see him. I was desperate and holding onto whatever I could. Anytime he said jump, I jumped. I lost 20 pounds and cried. Every. Single. Day. I ignored my kids; was not there for them; performed poorly at work and isolated myself. I was depressed beyond words. Yet I still sent him texts, cards, whatever to win him back. In my mind I thought if he really saw how much I loved him, he would come back to me. I prayed for that.

    Mid January he started to give me some time. I yearned for it. I lied to my family about where i would be; dropped my kids at anyone who would watch them; made any arrangement just to be with him. He said he was trying to forget what I had done to him but it would take time. He did not trust my intentions and where “my loyalty lied.” I was a nervous, anxious wreck at this point. I snapped at my kids, family, friends, everyone. He started with me one night and said a big part of the problem was that I was never physically with him, as we did not live together. (We lived in 2 diff states but the travel time was only 20 min in btween). He said I would come and leave and that I needed to make a decision by the end of this weekend and move myself and my kids into his house in order to make it work. Otherwise we had to break up. All weekend I stressed…how the hell was that going to happen? HOw could I uproot my kids mid school year? Sports? My family already thought he was crazy, how would I explain this? I tried to rationalize and he said make a decision, like a big girl, and choose. I told him ok and that I would do it. Ridiculous right? Gets better…..As I am explaining this ridiculous scenario to my parents and telling them my intentions, I receive an email from him telling me that obviously I had too many doubts and we must go our separate ways and move on. FLOORED…I spent the entire weekend agoinizing over the pressure he put on me and in one email, no phone call, he breaks up with me again. So I vow,,,,that was it. I do not even respond to the email. I was done. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Until…….

    The next morning. I get a phone call that he is having anxiety attacks and to please come over. I tell him verbally to just calm down and he will be fine. He hangs up on me. After my previous night and my promise to myself I do not go over to his house. At 4 pm that day he starts to email…”I made a mistake, YOu are my best friend, Please dont leave me…..” He even goes as far as making his mother call me. Against the harsh words of my family, I go to see him that night. My family at this point is done with me. He apologizes up and down, back and forth and vows to make this right by everyone if I give him one more chance. So I do. Next day he apologizes to my sister, my mother, my stepfather, my children, and even so far as has me take him to my fathers grave and promises to take care of me for the rest of my life. Of course I believe him.

    Next couple weeks…amazing. He was the epitome of an amazing boyfriend. Catered to my needs, was kind, considerate and caring. We even began to look for a home to move our children into. Beginning of March I feel the usual pull back. I ask him whats up, everything ok and start to get the usual answers…”Stop being negative, whats your problem” etc. So I keep pushing along…. I mean we are buying a house right? A very expensive house (I was the more practical; he always choosing to look at higher end homes that we really couldnt afford). But i kept pushing along until one night I asked him about someone he recently friended on FB. She was a stripper. I asked him why that was allowed when clearly he would be pissed if the shoe was on the other foot. He takes my phone and goes thru my fb friends literally screaming everyone that was a man saying “Did you F him?, Who is this you C**T” and then throws me out of his house and says I am a liar and never come back. I get so mad at the audacity and words that in my own defense of knowing I did nothing wrong, hit him. My lowest point of my life. I have never had the urge or desire but to be wrongfully accussed and yelled at repeatedly was beyond hurtful. I leave but return moments later. I mean this is the man who promised me a future, a house, a committment?? I plead and try to rationalize. I have now learned you cannot rationalize crazy.

    The next day I did what any suspecting woman would do. I went thru the phone again. This time more women, more dates, more dirty/filthy texts. I told him never speak to me again. It was over. I admitted to my family, friends and frankly anyone who would listen that he cheated. I wanted themn to know the truth so when he came back I would be an embarrassment to myself to go back. I was hoslpitalized for anxiety and depression.

    It has been one month today. I wish I can say it is easier. My support system is pretty tired of seeing me cry, and just wish I would pick up and move on. But it is hard. He literally picked up and is dating another woman already. Dates, sex the whole nine. He has contacted me only once at 2 am. Yes, I did respond but just told him I would love him forever and always. Because that is the truth. He is part of my soul and I cannot even think about a day that I will not think about him. I know I shouldnt but it is very hard and very painful.

    I guess the reason I wrote my story was to see what your take on all this is. I mean I gave you the highlights; there was so much more. Yet, I love this man. I saw the good in him when there was none; I believed in him when no one else did; I was his best friend and worst enemy at the same time. My heart longs to “fix him” but at what expense? Mine? My kids? How do I get over this? How the hell did he move on? That is probably my biggest problem is knowing that he replaced me so easily. ONE WEEK AFTER. And is dating multiple women. I dont get it!!! Taking them to the same places; making the same promises I wont admit how I know this info but thats a part of a bigger problem. Online I can still access his text messages and its like I am addicted to reading them. SOunds crazy when you write it, I know, but when you are put in this spot its almost like I have to know and it is killing me. I know I have to stop and only i have that power.

    Any advice would be greatly welcomed. Your words are very helpful and I have read some of the articles numerous times. I am pretty sure he meets the definition of a narcissist. Sociopath? Please help me.

  27. Hi Mel! Your blog is so beautifully written and has been enlightening!
    Something I am struggling with, after leaving a narc 3 wks ago after 6 years…as I made up my mind to leave the relationship, I discovered through friends that he had been lying and unfaithful repeatedly. He was verbally abusive to me and his coworkers. No one could tell me because they worked for the narc and didn’t want to jeopardize their job. When I approached him, he admitted he had lied to me many times (no specifics), but did not have a relationship with anyone else at the same time as with me. I put the pieces of the puzzle together and realized every time he would be verbally abusive, and I would stand up to him and return home, he would then seek another partner until I came back to him time and time again. Then he would break it off with the new partner. My question is how to convince myself that I didn’t know who he was all along and it wasn’t my fault? I just wish I had known who he really was because I would have walked away. Thanks Mel 🙂

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