Even though I was far away from my family, I never felt better, in an interview for a club, my senior at college asked me tell me the last time you felt good about yourself, I couldn’t answer that question and tears came into my eyes, after the interview got over I realised that I’ve never been happy my entire life, it took me 4 years to figure out why that is , how my family is different from my friends families, it was due to my Father, I started my search for what it really is that makes him what he is, even though I Heard the word narcissist a lot of times I neelver really knew the real sence of what it means until I figured out that all the description perfectly describes by dad, how he handles situations, how he treated me, my lil sister and my mother, soon after I left for college ( that was around 5 years back) my mum was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She suffers everyday due to it. I started studying her family as well and realised my grandma ( my mum’s mom ) is also somewhat of an narcissist and thus my mum was conditioned to enable my narcissistic dad all along ( there marriage was an arranged one ) so I started along with the process of self healing gathering my information from the internet ( YouTube n all ) but then I realised that their was another hurdle which was stopping me from setting up boundaries that was my sister ( she and I never had a good relationship, we barely talk, I’m sure when I was a child as I was getting abused I would traumatized her as well in the same way ) but luckily I got out of that environment for 4 years and was able to figure out what was this dysfunctional issue, so I live in India, we usually have a tight family structure and my mum is conditioned for this kind of toxic environment I can’t help her realise what’s wrong, she knows that something is wrong but this wrong has always been normal for her so she doesn’t know any different on the other hand my younger sister has also now become part of this toxic setup, she is fully supportive of my narcissistic father and whenever I try to fix something, she treats me as an enemy of the family and tries to shame me as does my mother , my father doesn’t have to do it himself cause, my mum and my sister do this guilt tripping work for him, he knows that I have broken out of his spell, he knows this, and he is afraid of me I can feel it. I try not to speak much but when situations arise when I feel powerlessness as I used to feel when I was a little child I just lose my temper and then later hate myself for it, and it gives my family reasons to say that I am just a short tempered guy and all those guilt tripping stuff. My sister tries to emasculate me in a lot of situations it doesn’t affect me as such now I’ve become numb to most of these tactics , gaslighting and all those patterns, but in the end I know that my family members are not bad humans they’re just conditioned to live like this, they are not evil or anything like that , I know that I cannot change my Dad, but I wanna help my mom and I wanna help my sister realise the truth, is that even possible or what options do I have really ?

I read a few parenting books as a parent and met a few times with a family therapist who told me it was ok to say no to my kid if it wasn’t healthy, affordable, or draining of myself and other family members. And it’s important to like the cards and gifts they make you at school or get you for Christmas, birthday so on, put them on the fridge or tree. But it’s also important to give your input and opinion on stuff sometimes. You don’t have to show approval or like of everything they’re into and can challenge them a bit about stuff they watch on tv or get involved in. The key is to not be cruel or abusive to them about it, instead to hear what they say and engage them. I showed appreciation for the gifts and efforts, but I didn’t ignore the misogynistic, bigoted behavioral stuff. It’s a type of neglect to let them just soak up whatever others try to instill from general school interactions or other kids abusive families … if you put in ongoing effort despite making mistakes, then probably you’re not the narcissist.

Hi. Of course she has someone else to help her. There are charities, community organisations & local authorities who help older people in your area. They have some excellent, experienced, trained, staff/volunteers. Collect the phone numbers for them & any relevant information such as any benefits, allowances or services, she or you might be entitled to. Think about how to tell them that helping your mother is undermining your own health. Maybe talk to a counsellor about it.
Not healing yourself is not an option beceause the continued stress & struggles will over time lead you into serious, long-term health problems. Then who will help you & her? If continued contact is affecting your mental health it will in the long term affect your physical health.
Also- How do you get treated when you help her? Do you recieve supportive words, loving words, words that build your self esteem? Words that acknowledge your humanity & your feelings? Do you come away feeling good about yourself, feeling appreciated, valued, recognised? Or do you come away feeling drained, undermined, as though there is something wrong with you? As though you are not good enough?
Even people in their eighties can learn. Is it time that you said to your mother that have had enough & you will now only help her if you are treated with respect & appreciation & insisted on it? Then if she is rude you just walk out the door. If you do not do this then you may be depriving your mother of a valuable lesson & possibly her last chance to grow up in as far as she is able to.
Sorry if what I have said seems a bit hard but now my parents are both dead I wish very much that I had asserted my right to be treated in a reasonable way with at least one of them. I am now getting old myself & with health terribly damaged by malignant narcissists. Maybe you could save for a modest holiday to at least have a break, some time for you, some essential space to relax to support your health. If you could arrange for some local organisation to help your mother while you are away it would help to get her used to the idea she might be able to seek help elsewhere. She might even enjoy the change.
You might find you are valued slightly more afterwards or possibly not. There is only one way to find out.

Hi Joyce,

you are very welcome.

You can find all of my healing programs here https://courses.melanietoniaevans.com/

I hope that this helps

lots of love

Mel 🙏💕💚

Where can I find this? I follow the 16days program but can find this nowhere.
🙂 Thanks

Heidi,

I have done a specific resource for this some time back … https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-my-adult-child-a-narcissist-when-helping-them-is-hurting-you/

And it is my deepest wish it can help you.

Mel 🙏💕💛