oh Danny, I really felt your comment, this article spoke to me so deeply, and reading your message broke my heart because I left my narc ex, then lost my dad a month later, my ex also decided to try to get me back 2 days after my dad funeral, I was so fragile and happy I took him back, and dumped me 3 days later, and I ended up looking like a crazy person, grieving and then going through being dumped for the last time, I was a mess and he knew I would go turn to my family to vent, unfortunately I was not supported, now I understand, a reflection of my lack of support for myself. I hope you are doing well since you wrote this. I am focused on healing and I hope we both get the happiness we deserve, as well as everyone else here.

This message bought tears to my eyes THANK YOU. Nobody wants to listen to me my ex “girlfriend “turned her whole family & friends against me funny I never met her friends in two years my family just don’t get it they just say move on. I know as many of you know I was brutalised beyond any imagination discarded three days after my mum died like I was trash and blamed for being the psycho insecure needy mentally ill one, I cried rivers of tears until I read this article. I can’t thank you enough. I didn’t think I would make it through but I’m still breathing and I can see a light .

Amy, how are things now with your situation?

I just found this blog. Wow. That’s all I’m going to say. Good advice and a hard road ahead should bring on some healing. I am dealing with someone whom I suspect is a narc husband. Basically, he lured me in with charm and laughter and was everything I thought I needed. Weeks into the marriage and I saw abrupt changes. I keep journals so as I look back to 4 years ago, it’s the same story over and over again. I’ve blamed myself this entire time for the change. He wasn’t physically or directly emotionally abusive towards me, but he was unempathatic, ignored me a lot, manipulative, controlling enough to make me feel like crap, and he would pout or seem deeply depressed if things weren’t going his way, or if I let him know how I was feeling about our relationship. He was never wrong and never apologized. Any of my wishes seemed to be ignored by him. He began to not compliment me or even look at my nude body as he had earlier in the marriage. Sex became all about him and his pleasure and left me to lie in the darkness with pent up energy as he rolled over to go to sleep. He would not sing with me in our truck but would sing in the church choir (I love to sing). Even when I grew my hair out for him and would suggest a hair cut for him that looked sexy, he’d say no, but would get upset w me if I said I was going to cut my hair. He would also expect me to make the move on him in bed and when I didn’t, he would tell me that he tried to drop hints that he wanted to make love. Blamed it on me. I could go on and on about how he controlled me. The list is long. Written words cannot even explain it.

He never became furious outright except once when he wanted to do oral sex on me (he NEVER wanted to do that) and I wasn’t feeling real good about myself and asked if we could do it another time. I was soft and tender about it. That’s when I REALLY saw the possible narc come out of him. He was completely insulted! Yelled at me for it. He held it over my head for months and still does to this day. Scary.

This summer, in June, I suggested that we separate or at least have some time apart. I told him, being honest, that I had lost love for him. As I look back, I see a huge shift in how he was towards me after that. He shut down completely on me. It got worse and finally, three weeks ago, he took something I said and ran with it, using it as an excuse to move out. It wasn’t anything that warranted him leaving. So he left and now we barely speak. He’s been coming to our house and moving things out when I’m not here. I asked him if it is the end for us and he always says he doesn’t know. He acts like such a victim! Like I did something terrible to him.

I’ll tell you, since he left, my 9 year old daughter has been better behaved. My health has improved. That elephant sitting on my chest has left. I barely think about him, only to think what his next move might be. My family is very small so he has manipulated my grandmother into thinking he’s hurt and she won’t hear a word I have to say about it. That’s fine. Now I don’t tell her anything. I secretly roll my eyes at her when she mentions him or takes up for him. Lol. And I am very short and to the point when dealing with him. I’m not putting up with his bull any more. He might be saying awful things about me, but at this point, people know me well enough that hopefully they will think otherwise. I’m still downhearted about the whole ordeal, that I couldn’t make my second marriage work (my first was to a man who was later diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome…I felt like a failure then too.) A counselor once told me that because my parents were emotionally disconnected, I’d find men who were the same way. I thought this one was so right for me. Wolf in sheeps clothing. I could be wrong about him being a narc, but maybe not.

I started counseling a week ago for this issue and was disappointed at how scattered the session went. After reading your article, I know exactly how to approach my coming appointment and what I need to work on.

Thank you for taking your time to write about this and educate those of us who have no idea how to navigate through our issues with narcs.