Hi Anneke!

This almost made me feel goosebumps! “I had no set of values to live by because I lived by others’ values.” It’s a good reminder, to have our own values!

Thank you for saying this: So it took me 62 years to grow up and get to know myself.

I love it! It reminded me of something…After n abuse I wanted to work face to face with some healer. I found one online. I was 42 years old and tried to explain her my childhood and mother issues, which I feel have strongly, sadly, contributed to this situation that I attract n’s.
But she (the healer) responded me, “but you are an adult now!”. Her face and tone of the voice reflected her blame/shame, frustration and judgement towards me. I was upset, still am. After that I have never spoken to her again and will not work with her and definitely not pay for her services!! Why would I work with a healer who does not respect me and does not take me seriously? And I was shocked, how a person who claims to be a healer and “expert in core wounds” can be so clueless?? Like she doesn’t have deeper understanding about this thing at all! Yes, I’m adult, I’m aware of that. But the wounded/younger inner parts of us doesn’t know it! As a matter of fact, the fact that I am now an adult I think enables that I have now strenght and capacity to heal the younger parts of me!
I found another healer…and was able to locate that I had for example 4 years old child with abandonment issues and a very angry teenager “inside” of me. The fact that “I’m an adult now” doesn’t change the fact that those parts were “frozen” (stuck) in that age and trauma…and they will be forever until the specific healing work is done. No matter what our biological age is, how logical we think we are, how smart…it doesn’t help here at all! After all this healing work…I’m not hooked to the the n anymore and the terrible pain is gone! Then I found another man who seemed to be nice at first but then abusive behavior started. This time I was able to end it timely, and was like thanks, but no thanks 🙂 I was like, I don’t want to be treated this way, and when the situation didn’t improve, I just walked away. This was a huge progress to me!

By the way, I love the Netherlands, have been there as a tourist many times <3

Hi Anneke,

Thank you for your beautiful and profoundly honest letter.

I know this will help others here too Anneke as well as helping set you free.

Thank you darling Lady for your courage and I wish you incredible healing, self partnering and return to love … to yourself.

Mel 🙏💛💕

LETTER:

It occurred to me years ago – the similarities between you and my mother and others in my life who recognised my codependency where I did not recognise it at all.

I never was able to understand how you were able to keep me on a string of texts and phone calls for eight years, being a full husband and father (I thought) in Brazil. If you were as unhappy as you purported to be why did you just not leave and set up on your own?

But you kept telling me you loved me, that we would be together soon. You said you wanted to marry me. I was a little girl, so happy to hear from you. So desperate when you were silent. I did not understand why you would not contact me for weeks sometimes. Then I would try and close off the “relationship” but would not be able to get you out of my mind.

My experience? I would go on a holiday with a child or with Willem and I knew you were displeased, even jealous. I felt GUILT all the time, waiting and hoping for a sign from you to say you approved of my activities. Holidays were largely unbearable because I felt so incredibly insecure. I had no idea you were enjoying holidays with your family because you did not tell me. I placed my entire value in what others think of me. I felt approval when I was home alone, because I knew then you would be happy with me.

I built my house with only you in mind. I was so sure of us, you, our love. You kept reconfirming this with me. Your praise and approval was everything to me. I was the codependent without knowing it. I had no set of values to live by because I lived by others’ values.

My children are all I have in my life. I am a fantastic mother. I raised them true to themselves and true to others. I raised them in freedom and liberation. I never asked for their love. I gave them all my love and they never ever judged me. They left me free as well, I was never punished for doing anything. They love me unconditionally, as I love them unconditionally. This is an area of my life and my existence that I am so proud of. They taught me life. They taught me love.

But my codependence reared its ugly head in every other area of my life; in relationships and in work and with friends. I was not aware of this. I had built up an excellent defence: strength, fortitude, can-do, will-do, dependable, always positive, always ready to help anyone in my circle. The very weakness was also a strength and I managed a very successful career of which I am not really proud but I did do it.

I suffered so much; weekends waiting for a sign from you. Not being able to breathe until I heard from you. I would drive to Heerlen on Sunday afternoons and by 4 o’clock not a word – I was desperate; he doesn’t love me anymore. And then maybe the releasing sign would come and I could breathe again and like myself again and oh I would be so happy. I would tell myself to stop worrying, fretting, he loves me. I was not successful.

I met a normal enough man in 2013 and he was lovely for me and to me. Not perfect, he had his quirks but I like that. I could not recognise a nice man, a normal man. I could only recognise me as imperfect, only a nice long body with blonde hair. I was uncomfortable in his niceness and easiness. But I was drawn to him because he was so normal and so kind without one game. Still the pull to this man in Brazil, this unique individual whom I loved so much, was stronger than anything. Then I decided to tell you that we needed to be over because I wanted to go on with Arjan. I wanted to be decent and tell you. But I left the door open enough, I needed the pain. Your reaction needs no elaboration. Within two months you were here to put a ring on my finger. And I told Arjan he needed to leave. Arjan kept trying to get in touch with me, he was hurt and sad. This was not a ring you bought for me to bring and put on my finger; no I needed to explore rings and I needed to hold my heart as you were worried the credit card would not work. It became apparent who was paying for the ring; Erika. Just like I had paid for your ticket from Brazil because you had no money. But oh I was happy; I was home, with the man I loved. I finally had the approval I was so desperately looking for. Whatever secure attachment I was missing from my upbringing was finally rewarded to me in 2013! I was finally home with someone.

Someone came to live with me in 2014 and I was in heaven. Truly in heaven. I felt home. But I did not feel safe from the first day. Your face while we visited Lindsay and newly born Amelie. Your discomfort being with me in this strange country and city. Your deep attachment to Erika and your constant texting, talking, trying with her. I discovered you had not left with her approval and acceptance. You left like a stalker in the night without informing anyone of the truth. Our holiday to Gran Canaria was the precursor of the years to come. You could not suffer the faces of the old and ugly people in the restaurant; you rejected me while I dressed up sexy in my black underwear, you hated the sun and the heat, you hated the gays in the desert, you observed how I liked lying in the sun and reading, you were insufferable in various restaurants and on walks. I was confused, hurt and felt hugely guilty and uncomfortable. My codependency, unbeknownst to me, kicked in heavily. I needed to help you, suffer you, accept you and love you even though I felt awful, ugly, disrespected, alone.

I spent five years trying to help you, get through your stuff, accepting your paper mania, work without pay, focus on your computer, your multitude of projects and interests, your need to separate yourself in your work and computer world, your phone addiction, your multitude of selfies to post on social media, your vanity, your need to possess me exclusively, your black and white moods, your unhappiness with your family, your acceptance of Erika’s continued abuse, your children’s rejection of you, your rejection of my children and their spouses one after another, your hatred of my few friends in life, your judgement of my work, your incredible love bombing approach in how you admired and loved me, your incredible niceness and your incredible surprising meanness which came at will, your massive mood swings, your visits to hospitals to treat your heart, your pain, your misery, you refusal to accept growing up, your need for continued money infusions, your own massive overpowering deep pain and insecurity.

I told myself many times: stop. I tried. My traumatic bond with you kept me coming back. I came back like a little girl looking for approval because I needed it so much. I had never felt more alone in a relationship. But I needed the punishment, the love addiction, the ideal of the man I knew was in there. If I just hung in there long enough you would be ok. I never thought once: when will I be ok? I was worthless in my own mind. And you confirmed this to me with your unpredictable, selfish, passive aggressive ways. I suffered huge cognitive dissonance. I did not know at all who I was any longer, if I ever knew this but I did have some kind of life before you entered it.

Herzhogenrath was the lowest I could have gone and my job started to disappear for me as well. I had no energy, no identity left to give to anyone. Not you, not my work. Everything went downhill. And I kept blaming myself for everything that was happening. From 2016 to 2018 my world disappeared entirely. I got fat. I tried to mow the lawn on a Sunday. I shovelled compost. I got judged for planting vegetables, I did not involve you. I felt guilty. I hated myself. I was entirely lost. And yet you were even more unhappy than ever. I missed my children, my city, my home so much. I hated it there so much. I hated myself more. I lost my financial footing.

I escaped back to Amsterdam in despair. I suffered through a police encounter, the first in my life. I still felt entirely responsible for your happiness and your situation. I paid you 10,000 Euro out of guilt. It was all my fault. I thought, around that time, that you were trying to turn me into a codependent. Little did I know I WAS the codependent to begin with.

I took you back in 2018 with a promise from you that you had developed, settled things with Erika, were certain about me and you would contribute financially from there on in. The beginning was good, more than I could hope for. By Christmas things had disappeared into the abyss again and I told myself things need to change. I spent 500 euros to rent an apartment so we would not have to share with my flesh and blood. So you could have your privacy. So I could suffer. The DSM affair and my loss in this took up a lot of time and effort, taking away attention from you. I started to think maybe I could count on you now that I finally had peace. Maybe my job was ruining our relationship and I could make you happy by being around all the time. I just felt dirty, disposed of, sad and guilty and ashamed. This is what a codependent does. Blame herself. I take on the blame, I blame myself, I shame myself for not being good enough. I need to try harder, be more accepting, be kinder. All this gets me is the deepest crazy pain that permeates my life from early on.

The above story needs no elucidation – it has all been said before. The new thing is my codependency, my role, my acceptance of things unacceptable. My choice to remain in a traumatic emotional bond, my defence mechanism of eating all the shit until I explode. My inability to know myself, my own values, and ENFORCING my boundaries. Not just with you but with the world.

I believe you are indeed intelligent enough to understand not just my situation but also your own situation.
Since a discussion with you is impossible because you are incapable of truly listening, I write this down as writing is my healing.
My mother, John, my brothers, the ice cream man, the construction worker, numerous boyfriends, girlfriends, Theun, Cristina, Liz and you to name a few – each and every one of you took my empathy, my love, my care, and abused it to its deepest core. And I LET YOU. It is both your fault and my fault because I let it happen. You, however, recognised my deep codependence before I recognised it in me, abused me to the fullest and then dropped me like a piece of dirt. You were massively, covertly, passive aggressive. I got love bombed and gaslighted, I was your perfect target. Used, abused and discarded. And I stood by, only trying to help. I did not recognise any of my own part in this formula. I turned into the victim while the others were playing victim. I walked into the trap and did not own my own actions. I just sadly looked for the approval I have been looking for since I was born.

Does that excuse any of you? By no means. I do not forgive one of you for doing this to a simple sweet soul that wanted nothing more than to feel safe and loved. If only I had loved myself, and not hurt myself by not honouring my own values. Values I never knew I had. Other than family. And that family saved me from myself. That is the one area that will never, ever, be touched, hurt, insulted or rejected again. That is my stronghold, my fort, my stability. Those who abuse them abuse me. The few real friends I have are my other stronghold. Equally abuse them, abuse me. Also non-negotiable.

My very weakness of being stoic is also my strength and I thank the universe for that. My positivity is my blessing. My looks are now my strength.

So it took me 62 years to grow up and get to know myself. But I am not broken, another victory.
Whoever wants to enter my life will need to be emotionally healthy, honest, equal, not judge, not manipulate, and most of all will be happy or at least contented with their own being. And they will love and respect my family. Always. Once that is in place I will rejoice in learning about life together, on an equal footing. Where both of us fully own our own issues and do not project our shit on the other person.

When I speak to you specifically Juergen, I see things clearly in terms of how you became who you are. You have major massive problems and unresolved issues and I have no idea if you have the true strength and fortitude to face any of them and then repair them. Being with me, as you say you wish to be, saying you love me, means honour, respect, kindness, emotional availability, emotional maturity, sincerity, stability, care, safety and true love.

My values are as follows:

Honesty
Kind to myself
Family
Equality
Trust
Not hurt others
Don’t judge
Physical fitness
Emotional health
Respond versus react
No manipulation
Humility

Not one of the above is negotiable.

Hi Lou,

I am so thrilled that you have broken through to this level, and your life has been blessed!

Sending you many continued blessings Lou, and thank you for writing in.

Much love to you, your son and your beautiful man.

Mel 🙏💕💛

Every single word in your today’s comment is my story, my truth and my inner belonging. Today I am a complete different woman, I met a man who is loving and thriving, too. My son, my Life, my whole being is blessed with this wonderful truth : Life is good, Love is safe and I am whole. From all my heart thank you, Melanie, you saved my life by the guidance of your work. Above all my inner compass is pointing directly to heart, body and soul-Bliss!

Hi Sally,

truly there are many so-called spiritual people who are narcissistic, it’s tripped many of us up in the past!

It’s so wonderful that you’ve turned inwards and taken responsibility to heal what it is that you need to within you. Good on you!

I’m so happy for you that you are working with NARP, and please know that the sooner you start releasing trauma with module one the sooner you will start de-programming the trauna and getting relief and power back.

Also, Sally, come into the NARP members forum where you can reach out for our support and guidance to help.

Lots of love to you

Mel 🙏💕💛

Hi Alina,

I love what you have said here, because it is so true that we need to unlearn, rather than learn something else!

As soon as we lose our internal trauma we are effectively are un-learning the lies and false beliefs.

And we organically come back to the truth and our inner solidness and wholeness.

Lots of love to you

Mel 🙏💕💛