thank you for sharing …in such detail

In addition to its “surfacing for all to see”, it can all be seen as approachable via every healing way and every healing and remastering that we personally gather. This is a point that is empowering unto itself. The “narcissistic abuser” phenomenon can be seen as a world entity mind field that can be persoanaly and socially addressed with all the self-empowerment personally and socially re-gained and newly gained. Not combatively, of course, yet via our own discerning, progressively chosen self-functioning. . . . And not with evasive humor, or course. But light-hearted, unconditionally understanding humor is okay now and then.

Hi lovely ladies!

*Absolutely I’m not preaching that a narcissist will not come into your life ever again.

This is good to know! When this one n once again appeared, I felt little panicky and frustrated. Like what MORE I still need to do and fix and heal, I want to be “done” with this already, I felt exhausted, maybe unsafe. I think at one point the healing work in itself became an obsession to me. I think everything that is done with urgency, obsessive and compulsive mindset and unhealthy perfectionism…no good!

When I now reflect…actually it could be that by now I’ve managed to do some of the healing work well enough. With the n number 2 I was an authentic mad woman 🙂 Even when the awful abuse had started, I read horoscopes and relied on all kind of weird stuff in the hope that he would return (!) back to me (after he discarded me and gave silent treatment dozen of times), I was desperate to continue the so called relationship with him, madly “in love”. My head was completely messed up, I was a total lunatic! A healthy response would of course had been to run away and not wanting to continue relationship with a dangerous abuser!

But now when I see the weird behaviour in the n number 3…I am able to detach myself pretty easily with relatively cool head. Like that’s that then and no harm done 🙂 But that took me some months though…getting to know someone. At first it was difficult to know whether he was just having a “bad day” or had “hot temper” or if I somehow understood him wrong, if I myself co-created the bad dynamics…but nope, by now he has already shown too many times red flag behaviour.

* Everyone is narcissistic to some degree.

Actually I don’t like this idea 🙁 It somehow “normalizes” the narcissism. Just exactly this type of thinking maybe kept me hooked so many years. Sometimes he was abusive, sometimes nice. Then following this same type of thought pattern I explained it away thinking that “nobody is perfect” (which I think is equal thought like “everyone is narcissistic to some degree”)…accepted him “as he is” and endured the abuse many years. That was a dangerous error in thinking!
There is nothing normal with abuse. There is no excuse for it! The most shocking thing about n’s to me is that they look like humans, even can act (indeed “act”!) like humans, but they really are not humans. At least not humane.
So either someone is 100% n, or 100% is not, that is my opinion. But I agree, many people can be…I think I’d prefer to use words like egoistic, self-centered, maybe nasty…but they are still humans.

*YOU loving YOU. That is the point of NARP.
I say this all now with gentle sense of humour. But I sort of became tired with the “love yourself” mantra. It’s a concept that felt difficult to grasp, something that sounds good in theory. I think I also needed to “re-train” myself, like how I behave. Like the n calls me, what do I do in that moment? I choose not to answer. I might someday feel lonely and in that “weak” moment I might be tempted to grab the phone and call him. Then I need to set myself a boundary, remind myself it’s a very bad idea and then distract myself. For example call a female friend, go to a yoga class, clean the house, whatever.
So I feel I need to do a little bit of “dog training” with myself 🙂 If I’d just sit on a lotus position and imagine love and light…I’m not sure if that alone is an effective method…

Friends helps so much too. They are not afraid to set the record straight. A friend said to me “this has been going on too much time with that man now. You need to stop it. Don’t you notice how anxious interacting with this man makes you feel everytime. You should not be with such people”. Friends help me to stay grounded, centered, realistic, bless them!
I realised, no wonder n’s always try to isolate the victim. Without the reality check my friends give me, I’d be much more easily manipulated…and very soon not knowing anymore “which way is up and which way is down”. Gosh, aren’t they clever, unfortunately 🙁 It’s hard to imagine that such people like n’s exist…whose goal is to cause maximum chaos, damage and unwellbeing to others. It’s just sick.

During the years I also became so immersed with all the ideas about soul contract etc. As if it’d give some beautiful explanation or even justification to the n abuse. I’m not sure do I believe that stuff any more.
I’m not going to argue what soul is, do any of us really know…but I’d like to think it’s already whole, complete, eternal, it cannot be harmed, it just “is” in wholeness. So why would it need the presence of a petty, ridiculous n to somehow “make it better”? I hope not! It’s a weird idea. I think the n abuse happened…because sh*t just happens!
In my case, logically, I think it happened also/mainly because of abusive and alcoholic childhood. I think it is because of brain chemistry and wiring…I’ve read that the brains likes/prefers what is familiar, even when it’s harmful. So I’m not sure does soul belong to this equation…
I think in childhood I formed many “trauma beliefs”, like “men are abusive, potentially abusive, I’m not sure do I deserve to be treated with respect, love is unpredictable, love is unsafe” and so on. And I’ve read the brain unfortunately also likes to “prove” it’s beliefs are true! That the opposite is actually stressful for the brain. So this has been and is my challenge, to un-learn these many things. So I think it is not only a matter of “loving myself”.

Aww N A,

thank you for your beautiful message.

Sending you much love, healing and blessings

Mel 🙏💕💚

Hi Anna,

as Iris so explained, absolutely I’m not preaching that a narcissist will not come into your life ever again.

The most certainly can and will do – good and “bad” people are everywhere … my message is rather than you being focused on trying to pick bad people, you can be powerfully yourself with healthy boundaries, know and stick to limits and embodied values and therefore no longer be taken in by them.

There is a huge difference between that and what you thought my message is.

And, absolutely in relation to your dream job – grace can be very powerful, such as prayer.

In regard to relationships the inner development is very useful and powerful NOT to get out hearts, souls and resources smashed again.

Or literal life force nearly extinguished.

N-abuse IS that serious.

That is what my passionate message and Thriver work are all about – people NOT having to go through that ever again.

Much love to you

Mel 🙏💕💚

Dear Anna,

I don’t think we’re saying that narcissists will never come into your experience.

I think it’s just the opposite isn’t it? WHEN YOUR WORLD IS FULL OF THEM is the point of this episode.

In fact, aside from the few people who ethically and responsibly relate to others, everyone is narcissistic to some degree.

What Melanie is healing is OUR vulnerability or susceptibility to getting abused by them by systematically guiding people to loving themselves.

Melanie is helping us define TRUTH and LOVE in ways that honor our core.

Your healing depends on you loving you.

YOU loving YOU. That is the point of NARP.

She is not wrong. Her work is effective and it seems you’re already better by going NO CONTACT right away this third time.

Keep going and learn to truly love yourself and your will be free.

Hope that helps.