Dear Vicki, reading this really hit me in the heart.
I so hope you are out the other end Xx

He insulted me in front of his parents and I decided to take a stand. I do realize that I do not have boundaries. I have often told him I cannot tolerate public humiliations. But obviously to his point everything is always my fault. He is master at holding grudges. I think lately he had been feeling ignored. To make the matter worse I didn’t do much for his birthday. He got upset. Didn’t even blow his candles. Smashed the cake instead. I forced myself to attempt to not ruin his night. So I asked him out to dinner to which he ignored but I said things like how his birthday way special although I didn’t plan much in his eyes. I did in my way… dresses in a way he’d like etc. I felt flooded, part of me wanted an apology for what he did to the cake and part of me knew thing good will ever come out of this. I need to keep pretending everything is okay. I tried to be more intimate with him which he reciprocated. However, he was cold and distance again. I knew he needed space but I guess he needed me to shower my love to him. Which I didn’t and I chose to give him a space. There he blew up. Used a trivial reason to blow up at me in front of him parents. Grabbed my things and the kids and left him for the weekend. I mentioned I had enough of him I need to leave him for good. But I did return after the weekend. He has been sleeping in separate beds since. Neither of us tried to have any communications what so ever. He did go to some events together but maintained out distance. Not a single word exchanged. I think he patiently waited for me to give in. When it didn’t happen, he is playing his other cards now. Trying to cut me off from social media, making it seem like he is moving in to the guest room for good. It’s been weeks and it’s getting harder day by day. I’m wondering if I should remain calm or start separating out accounts etc? Is he a narcissist? If so what kind of supply have I been giving him? IF he does eventually return what do I do? I know it’s time to break the usual. Will he hoover? Or are we done?

On 11/2…he saw that I had written “your peeps are creative” to someone’s group Halloween photo. He freaked out and said I was hitting on other men. When I tried to hug him to calm him down, he pushed me off. He then deleted all my photos from his IG and FB. That same night his sister in law called and asked if he and I broke up. I told her what happened and she went and did a blast text message to his entire family about him being an abuser. She said she is purposely pushing me out for my own good.

He then text me that night extremely angry and told me he’s breaking up with me. He then blocked me from everything without even hearing my side of the story.

He has blocked me many times before when he had dumped me in the past (he usually breaks up with me every 4 months or so). But this is the longest he has ever blocked me (7 weeks).

On Thanksgiving, he was hitting on one of my friend (he doesn’t know she knows me). He told her that he dumped me because I burned and betrayed him. He also said he blocked me on everything because our relationship is cancer to his heart and that I shredded his heart to pieces.

Do you think what happened with the family knowing he’s an abuser is consider a bad enough injury that he discard me permanently?

i know he’s actively pursuing women on FB, IG and dating sites :(. He’s telling these women that he’s done with me and wants nothing to do with me.

His daughter and his sister in law still follows me on Instagram and watches everything I post.

He discarded me 7 weeks ago because I’m exposed him. He blocked me on everything. He sent me a message last night on the dating app because he saw that I looked at his dating profile. He said “you are making me angry”. But I didn’t do anything, I don’t understand why he’s angry. I didn’t respond, just blocked him. What do you think? Are things getting worse?

Do you think he’s a narcissist and do you think he will return?
Or will he not return because he wants to find someone who will put a roof over his head and he knows it won’t happen with me?

Hi Joanne,

That’s so great that my work resonates with you and that you are feeling some hope.

All those feeling, thoughts and urges that you are feeling are such a normal part of Narcissistic Abuse symptoms.

My Thriver Way is all about turning inwards to get our healing, relief and powerful resolutions and closures.

My deepest wish for all of this is that we emerge from this healed and Thriving. Have you signed up to my free resources yet? I invite you start that journey back to wholeness https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

Sending blessings and breakthroughs.

Mel 🙏💕❤️

Hi Tilly,

It’s my pleasure!

This is a great question! If you google my name + addiction you will see my resources on this which go into deep explanation.

Trauma bonding is another good phrase to pop in to get some answers as well.

I hope this helps.

Mel 💕❤️💕

Hiya Tilley.

This is something I have also pondered over.

Although them thoughts were many moons ago now, I remeber being 19 and laying on a hospital bed after taking an overdose saying to the nurse ‘Am I addicted to him, I can’t let go, am I?’ she said ‘don’t be stupid young girl, you can’t be addicted to a person’.

Or was I addicted to the trauma, to the adrenaline, to constantly living on the edge, being fearful,body clenched, feeling of extreme intensity.
Or was I actually starting to come down from all these adrenaline highs, starting to feel normal (whatever that is) again, starting to feel safe..
Was this such a shock to my body that I no longer had to be in flight or fight mode.

Food for thought.
J x

I am new to you page. I find myself searching for answers, answers that I know I will never get from the man who claims to have loved me. I’ve known for a long time that he didn’t love me and never will because as you put it – narcissistic’s are incapable of love.
I have for so long felt the need to look him in the face, to tell him all he has done to me, this shell of a person I used to be. You see I was just 17 when we got together, first proper relationship, I hadn’t the best of starts to life, I told him all my darkest secrets (All to be used against me and told to the people I love) but that’s what drew him to me. He could see my vunerablity, a girl who so desperately and naively longed for love, a family of her own, a protector. Then all the wrongs would be made right and we’d live happily ever after, which is everything he promised me and more. I know I can never ask him why? I have done and he has always turned it back on me, and I’am left with more questions I need answers to -muniplation at its finest! U will never get closure from them, only from the truth, the truth I have always held inside, even when he told me I was never good enough, I had a little voice in my head that would say ‘BULLSHIT, I know I am, this is not normal, this is not ok!’ However that was a truth I could not speak with him not only would he twist everything, he would be violent. I went from the girl full of opinions to a quiet little mouse, growing in to a women but yet still feeling like a little girl. Yet that’s the kind of women he wanted (so he said) a strong woman, an opinionated woman. Yet how are you to be outspoken when you are oppressed.
But back to the topic – I no longer feel the need to tell him what he’s done to, he knows what he has done to me, he was there, they were his words and his hands that caused my suffering and he will NEVER take responsibility for that and I have accepted that.
Everything you write resides with me, I googled do narcissist’s hate themselves, yet could not find the answer, until I found this page. I do believe the man I thought I loved resents himself, his inner self and everything he did to me was a reflection of himself.
However, I do not hate him nor do I pity him. I have no energy to even entertain the idea.
Hate in your heart will destroy yourself and I know I am a kind person, a gentle person, who will never be capable such evilness.
I’m not one who believes in god but I do believe this is the wickedness the Bible speaks off when they take about demons. To me he is a monster, not an misunderstood individual, there’s no reason or excuse to ever treat someone with such brutality.
So here’s to finding your page and the path to healing and self discovery. As the years go by, with truth and time we heal.

Thank you for yet again another illuminating blog post. I have been through narcissistic abuse and have the understanding of why people with ‘trauma’ end up attracting and re-enacting painful experiences based on the painful perceptions through life. My question is you have spoken about how trauma becomes an addiction and this is why we can’t disconnect from unhealthy sources and end up back in the arms of the narcissist or attract another abuser. How do we become addicted to trauma in our bodies – I am just a little lost as to what you are trying explain here? Forgive me I have no doubts in my mind that what you are saying is bullet proof right because I know in my own body that are speaking the truth but I am just lost with some concepts.

Thanks
Tilley