That is horrible I’m so sorry. I’m in a relationship now with a narc, and he’ll do the same thing, if we argue or fight, he threatens me by saying he’ll go out or text other women 😒 it’s beyond traumatizing. But he’ll sit there and cry about his childhood, and how he was raised by a narcissist and how it messed him up. I’m thinking, yea you’re just like him, traumatizing others yourself. I know it hurts to see him going out with other women but just know he is MISERABLE in his own skin. And one day after this is over you’ll be so free and happy and meet much better people or an actual ‘real’ man. Please stay strong and know non of this is your fault. He’s only doing this to make you upset, which is disgusting. But watch, the second you go out with another guy, he’d flip out. Narcs are the biggest hypocrites!

Every word you are speaking hurts. I am in the process (everything done other than her leaving) of ending a 12 year relationship. I have been lied to about everything, cheated on, begged to forgive only to have it repeat. I truly love her and it hurts to see her cry. Every time I checked on a statement that felt wrong it was a lie. 3 weeks ago I had a call with the man she was sleeping with who had no clue obviously about me. I actually felt bad for him. Even after everything is known and papers signed, she is still professing her love for me. She is refusing to pack and refusing to leave me. On top of the lies and cheating is alcoholism right now while she should be packing she is half way through a 26 of Gin. Last night it was half bottle of wine and a 26 of Gin. No matter what she says or does it is always my fault and I will die alone and never find someone as good as she is. Now she is saying I am making her leave when she is sick and needs my help. She has told me it is not her fault and she was assaulted as a child. So now I am not only the reason for her actions but I am also unwilling to help her and responsible for what happens.

How did I let this become my life? Why did I let this go on so long? Why do I still have feelings for her? Why won’t she just pack and leave?

I (crazy I know) offered to pay for rehab and pay her to go and offered joint counselling after. She has told me sending her to counselling and rehab is trying to control her. All the issues are my baggage not hers and she wont go.

So I continue to ask her to leave and she is outright telling me she wont leave me ever because she is in love with me and always will be.

I hope to see the end of this soon, so I can start to fix the damage I have done to myself as well as get over this crazy.

Thank you for your explanation and sharing. I have been dealing with the pain after narc cheating and am learning about this as I go. I had no idea this even existed and that Universe or God even allows these people to exist. I know, this is an extreme statement, but these are my feelings right now. Today I found out that he is playing a magical love and happiness with his new flame, 20+ years younger than him. She is in heaven and happy that she finally found the one. I have been in disbelief that my ex-partner has no remorse, no need to speak with me, no sense of emptiness or regret of losing us after 5 years after he stated how he is my man, how he wants to grow old with me etc etc. How can a person just move on after investing emotions and time and have no time to be sad or grieve or anything. It has been hard to understand. You clarified it a bit for me. I am recovering myself from all this as I am learning and realizing what has happened. I have sometimes so much anger and not such good well -wishes toward him and that does not feel good for me as well.

I could relate to your video. I had felt in this relationship my twisted guts, only to tell myself it’s my stuff from the past and kept working on it…. I felt something was off and could never understand what. I was unable to trust completely. I felt as if when I gave a finger, he would take the whole hand, when I gave the hand, it was entire arm etc yet, he kept telling me that I just don’t open up while I kept sharing but I realized with time that he never shared any of his emotions or struggles or nothing. He seemed always strong and ” perfectly” put together. We broke up one time before (I went back because I though it was my fault and wanted to make amends) and both times before and now – I feel the same – like I was used, there was this sense of being used yet the inability to even say how. I could not even formulate a sentence about it. The ironic thing is, he always played sweet and kind sexually, never imposed anything on me. I did ntot feel used, but I did detect dissatisfied face when he did not get what he expected and I always felt bad that I did something wrong, It did feel like sometimes somehow I was a puppet; but again, how can you explain it? I thought it was me… There were times when I recovered my strength and power, felt good and it seemed like it was going OK, only to be followed by feeling like I was losing it again, like I was at the bottom of an emotional pit while he was fine and energetic and happy. It was up and down and up and down and it did occur to me that somehow he is stronger when I am weaker. After a disagreement, which he clearly never wanted to discuss or give answers, he pretended as if nothing happened. As if everything was fine and I was left with questioning myself as to why I was feeling like I was run down by a train.

Anyway, I appreciate what you wrote here. It helps. Although I wish I had known about this kind of personality before. I had no idea. he is happy, having a new love, sex, romantic dinners and I am left to pick up pieces while this person who kept saying for 5 years that I was something in his life, does not even blink.

What about women (or men) after us, how will they find out? Only from a painful experience? Should we as those who experienced it say something?

Thanks for reading and listening. I am grateful for healing this experience is bringing me. It is not pleasant. I am grateful.

Thank you for you words. They should be out in public everyday on social media for others to see so they know what to look for and what / who to avoid.

Hi Isa
Sounds a fair bit like my ex husband, who in my opinion is not primarily a narcissist, but Aspergers (these days ASD level 1; so you’re potentially dealing with at least two “interesting” spectrums). He is a single child and pretty spoilt by his mum (partly at least to avoid tantrums, would be my guess). This probably contributed to develop certain traits of narcissism. Also, it is not true that Aspies don’t care about how they are perceived – my ex is obsessed about the concept of making friends and connections, so I guess this adds potential for trauma when getting rejected and bullied for being the weird nerd… which again might favor traits of narcissism.
I think it is a pretty tough constellation for a relationship when someone is brilliantly academically intelligent, but totally lacking everyday life-skills…
My advice would be to leave it at one child; our second definitely busted our marriage, as I couldn’t cope caring for basically three kids at toddler level, of which the adult one was the most annoying….If I’m right, strengthen yourself in your head in case your son starts showing ASD symptoms. My eldest is fine, but my youngest is in many aspects similar to his dad. Try to make time to sit out tantrums, avoid bribing, take distress seriously but don’t overprotect, find strategies to avoid walking constantly on eggshells, because you deserve enjoying life!!! And don’t get your kid on the never ending therapy carousel, unless you really feel the need for particular interventions.

Five years later we were kicked out of another group – this was a bar band – because she slept with another member of the band – who was also married. She apologized, we went to counseling, we reconciled and even renewed our wedding vows the following year. Incidentally, to any partner fearing something is going on – trust your gut. I had a bolt of “intuition” about her affair based on nothing, basically. Just seeing them together one day after a band rehearsal, as I’d seen them a thousand times before. Nothing was going on that looked suspicious, but obviously my subconscious picked up on something – and it turned out to be correct.

Things were good for a while, until about four years ago. She started performing with a band again, without me. I believe this sparked off her need for narcissist fuel. She began to cross lines with other men. I had another gut instinct about an older local musician she’d been singing with – again, 20+ years older – and then was sent a text by accident which proved that they were at least engaged in an emotional affair. I believe now that they may have slept together. She denied everything – it was all me, my paranoia, jealously, irrationality, etc.

This scenario repeated itself with a string of other men: secret meetings, inappropriate texts, online flirting late at night. Last fall I caught her sexting with an older man she met through work. She admitted to sexting, but “it was nothing” and, as always, within a day or two of being “caught”, she was mostly angry at me, and was upset that I didn’t trust her.

Also, important to note: her affair from years before was no longer “cheating”. She’d been unhappy and wanted to leave me, so that justified her behavior – in her mind. It was my fault for how unhappy she had been at the time.

Then she moved out a month later, to work on our relationship. A couple months later I was meeting a friend at a local restaurant for a drink and she was there having dinner with the man mentioned above. Only she “wasn’t having dinner with him”…? They were sitting together, eating. But, again, it was me being jealous and irrational. In her mind she’d done absolutely nothing wrong. And why didn’t I trust her? (Yes – she did ask!)

Beyond this “not a dinner date” issue, we spoke often at length about working on our issues and reconciling. She looked in my eyes regularly and told me how much she loved me and how committed she was to our marriage.

Then a few weeks ago, out of the blue, she started sleeping with two other men. I won’t get into how I know, but I know. One married, the other was Mr. “not a dinner date” – what a surprise! I saw that one coming 100 miles away. I made an attempt to tell the wife of the married man. She said I was a liar (even though I gave her proof) and her husband and my wife were incredibly honest people. I know this is a point of contention for some. I would want to know, I believe she has a right to know and I would feel terrible if I didn’t at least try. Cheating is reprehensible – I feel fine about my attempt to inject some ethics in the situation.

So everything has blown up. My wife has denied everything and I am being painted as jealous and paranoid and, for no apparent reason, I decided to besmirch my wife’s reputation with false allegations. There is no logical sense to any of it, but I have learned some important lessons related to this blog post.

My wife is far more messed up than I ever imagined. She fits the “lying narcissist” profile to a “t”. She lies and lies and then lies some more. And yes – normal people tell the truth when caught in something bad – she is doing nothing but being angry, lying and manipulating those around her to support her side of the story.

I guess the biggest lesson is that I made endless excuses for my wife over the years: “she’s a good person, I know that!”, “she would never do anything to hurt me!”, “she’ll come to her senses!”, “our family is so important to her, she wouldn’t do anything to hurt us!”….etc. That was me wishing and hoping and praying that all of that was true – and it wasn’t. Not a bit. She’s a pathological liar, she projects an image to the world that is totally contrary to who she is at heart, she is a serial cheater who shows no remorse, she manipulates and gaslights those around her, who she is as a person is just a web of lies.

Twenty six years. It feels like such a waste. But we have two wonderful kids (teens) who will be devastated by our impending divorce, of course, but I will be able to dig myself out of this hole of depression and anxiety I’ve been in pretty acutely for the past four years. It will allow me to be a better father to them.

This blog post is so true. I feel like it was written about my specific situation. Trust yourself, trust your instincts and know that you deserve better. This kind of treatment is emotional abuse and should not be tolerated. Sorry for the long post.

Hi Precious,

My heart goes out to you. What you are going through is so painful.

Precious I understand you are up against a lot but I would love to grant you the hope that there truly is a way, regardless of limitations to honour yourself and break into the life that does honour you.

It can be incredibly challenging but it is possible.

I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to find out deeply more about how to achieve this.

Sending you hesling, strength and my best wishes

Mel 🙏💕💛