How are you going with this? Frankly, I think you have core issues about needing a man to provide or, you need a knight in shining armour – which he was willing to play. Narcissists play roles and it sounds as if he enjoys this role. The narcissist I knew did.

I think that we use the narcissist as a scapegoat to self-abandon. Whatever you think the offers you, give it to yourself.

I am trying hard to piece myself back together after the end of my 7 year relationship with a Narcissist. I was pretty much emptied out – for want of a better description. No self-esteem, no optimism, no energy. I have been out of direct contact for nearly three months, and am feeling slightly better, but it’s a struggle. I also hear about him in the media which does not help and we are part of the same work community so it’s hard to filter this stuff out.

What I am struggling with (besides working on my wounded child) is that I am unsure if this man is really suffering from NPD. So much of what happened in private aligns with everything I have read, but yet he has a devoted family who worship him – he is extremely devoted to his adult kids, especially the boys. He has three businesses and is a fair employer, so is surrounded by underlings who look up to him and praise him regularly. He is very rich (I am not) so he can afford to be very generous with his money which also gains him love and respect. He is so successful in his work and personal relationships that I have a hard time reckoning his position in his community – highly regarded, powerful, a sort of “big man”- with the crazy and toxic experiences I had.

I know I need to focus on myself not him and I practice this (it feels like minding a toddler who always wanders off towards something dangerous), but I really do think he will spend the rest of his days surrounded by worshipful people and will never face himself. I am trying to get to a place where that does not matter, but right now I feel like I was chewed up and spat out by someone who was never in need of food in the first place. Is it possible that I am wrong about his narcissim? Could his need to control every aspect of our communication and his fear and avoidance of any practice of self-awareness simply be cultural? He has very old-fashioned ideas about masculinity and what makes a “man”.

Thank you so much Melanie! I knew this was a reflection, but I wasn’t sure how to heal it. I think I will try your program. I wanted to try someone in person first. You are so right I keep looking outside and I am not giving myself what I need. I thought the therapist could teach me or guide me. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
Blessings,
Alex