I am so over feeling like a piece of shit that’s only on this planet for people to toy with. Sooner or later I’m going to react and someone else along with myself is going to get hurt. Why do I have to keep doing the right thing why can’t I be horrible back to these people

I feel for you Kathy Sue. I know that feeling, I truly do. Do dig the files out. Do keep reading and learning. There IS life after “him”. I believed my Narc was “the one” too. Now, I see him for what it is. You will too. x

I too fell in love right off the bat with a man that had the most beautiful eyes and immediately we fell in love. Both, considering the other our soul mate and other half. Looking back yes there were red flags but the connection was so overwhelming that I completely ignored them. The first rage happened about 3 months in and I was devestated and shaking and could not even go to work the next day. I cancelled a girls xmas exchange in which we were gathering toys for a children’s hospital. I just could not even believe all the horrific and cruel things he allowed himself to yell at me.

After each episode he would feel sick and so sorry and thus began the poems and beautifully written letters of love and promise to hook me back in over and over again. I even moved out twice in that 3 and a half year period. The last time I moved back in with him he proposed and I said yes and was so happy. I felt we had finally conquered our “problem” and would live happy ever after. But, after he would get me back it would start all over again to the point I began reading about abuse. He said he had been abused by his ex wife for 18 years and never really dealt with it. Even admitted he never could have believed that he would become a monster like her.

Thus began a 9 month search for finding him help. The fact that he agreed he was abusive was a huge step. Him agreeing to help meant even more and gave me hope. We went to a church class, he went to an abuser program and even quit drinking ad joined AA. However, he quit every single one when it got to the point becoming accountable for his behavior and the pain it had caused. He did however, remain sober but it seemed that it made him feel entitled ad blamed me even more for our problems because wow look what he had accomplished.

I finally moved back home waiting, hoping and praying he would get help. This past December we went to San Diego to see his son graduate from the Marines. Such a cherished time and he said his son was blessed to have me because I was more a mother to him than his own. We celebrated our 4th family Christmas with my son and his and his extended family. I do not have family so these were always treasured moments for my young son and I. They were our family we had so craved. He tenderly looked at me told me he loved me and this would be the year he got himself fixed so we could live happily ever after.

Two days later he knew I was feeling down and told me to call for he is always there to listen. When I did I simply expressed my need for assurance that real help would be attained by him for these years had truly take its toll on me. He immediately went into a rage, of course blaming me and broke off cold. I did not get to see his son go back. My son nor I got to say goodbye to any of the family and he posted a week later on social media that he was in a relationship with another woman who lives 2 hours away from him. They posted this the day after they met. So obviously it shows a severe lack of balanced thinking or feeling on his part. It has blown some away but most just tell me to get over it because he has moved on and so happy. They never “fight” and both remain sober and that is all his problem was and he “healed” himself.

Obviously you know the overwhelming pain of such a cruel form of discarding and how I lied in a heap of pain for so long….it has only been 3 months but I have made great strides but it still hurts and I am anxious to heal the inner wounds of my childhood. I lost my mother at 8 to suicide and was also raised in a cult so I know there is a lot to heal.

My question is can he learn from our relationship that abuse is wrong and change and treat a new woman lovingly? Or maybe he will just love bomb her for a longer period of time? They also only see each other on weekends so not a daily basis as we did. He believe he and his first wife were both Narc’s actually and maybe that is why they lasted as long. I kept breaking away from him until he got help and I know the exposure was something that really upset him. Maybe that is why he found someone far away. He is selling his house, quitting his job and moving 2 hours away. they made this decision only a few weeks into their relationship. I don’t want her to be hurt but then again I don’t want to feel he would willingly change for another and it is so distressing.

My other question regarding the video is if we had a soul contract and it was to help me heal my inner wounds what is the purpose for him or other Narcs to come and create so much pain on others? What gift does it give them in life? I know he sucked the very life breath out of me and I have never undergone something but I am also choosing to pause during the storm and come to terms with it little by little.

Thank you for any insight you can give me…you have done so much for me by sharing all your knowledge and understanding already!

Hi Melanie,

Thank you do much! I am just so struggling with feeling guilty about how this whole issue transpired. Things have not been good for the last few years and I have been dealing with his behavior and and trying to be understanding (not know what the actual problem was for 28 years). I feel guilty because I let things build up over time and I would always just throw things under the rug. But I knew on my side it was because if we did discuss the fight, it would seem to be my fault and if I would just stop being so defensive nothing would escalate, because of course he was never the one to start a fight… yet I had to deal with his treatment of me and how his way was always the right way.
I feel guilty that maybe I over re-acted about giving him my pin# to my bank account, but something at that time when we were fighting in me said no!! I gave it to you before and you looked through everything, you once demanded I bring home all my pay stubs so he could see if I took sick days and then the whole issue of how he does not trust me and that I am hiding something… which I am not, tracking my where about with my phone . So I just said NO! Cause in his mind he said this whole thing started with me saying no and that I guess in his mind I deserved to have my phone and car taken away.
Have you ever heard of someone in my situation, where they just got to the point and basically lost it and stood up to the N and is leaving?
I know that it is not a healthy relationship and I was feeling suffocated, so why would I feel so guilty?