❤️

Wow!!! It’s incredible to me, just how very similar your life, reflects my own… it’s astounding how most all of the stories I have read about on this and other Narc sites, truly are!!!
I was married 14 years, to my Covert Narcissistic/ Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Ex.
I was COMPLETELY clueless to either personality disorder, their characteristics, behaviors, etc. I spent the first 2-3 years completely in love with who he made me believe he was. When we met, I was 18 he was 26.
I was recently told that I would never be able to have children, which was COMPLETELY DEVASTATING to me, as I LOVED children and could not imagine a life without having my own children!!!
Ironically, he had a 6 month old ADORABLE son, and that certainly helped him with the love bombing phase. We were together about 2 years when I found out I was pregnant with our oldest daughter, as you can imagine I was ELATED!!!! Defeating the Dr’s prognosis, I first gave God the Glory, and then somehow took my pregnancy, as a “sign” that we were “meant to be “….
we married, and within the first three years of marriage, he had gradually moved me about 65 -100 miles away from the areas I’d lived my entire life, which was no more than 20 minutes from any of my siblings, or either of my parents, or my friends. He got us a beautiful home, I chose everything from paint colors to furniture to every rug, it was surreal!!! At that time, we had custody of his son, who was 6(no contact with his mom in six years, so I was Mommy, still am) our daughter 4, and our 3rd child was about 9 months. We were becoming ALL I had ever hoped for…. he started saying he wanted me to be a stay at home mom, painting this “Little House on the Prairie” visual, etc. I refused at first, I wasn’t comfortable with quitting my job, although I didn’t really know what exactly was causing my apprehension, I just didn’t want to stop working. Of course, he got to know our neighbors quickly and rather comfortably, we started going to church with one of them (which he had never been interested in before) and within a month or so, we were all spending a great deal of time together. In which time, he started casually mentioning his wanting me to stay home in front of church members and neighbors and our kids… eventually, all the kids excitement of the idea, and the harmless comments from others, I decided to quit my job.
HUGE MISTAKE!!!!
Within six months I was completely cut off from any say in our financial situation, I only had access to what he saw fit to extend me in cash. No credit cards or joint account etc! He had become physically abusive, he was paranoid, started listening to my phone calls, even recording my calls… he had countless affairs, did terrible twisted things just to hurt me, was the “perfect father and husband “ as long as there was an audience, but the moment we were behind closed doors, he barely acknowledged the kids at all unless he was pissed off at them, he expected me to wait on him hand and foot, he did NOTHING to contribute to our home or our family!!!! By the time I actually had the courage to leave him, he had gotten THREE other women pregnant within months of each other and within months of our youngest child was born. We have five children total. I left and took the kids, including my step son. He tried to get me to come back, threatening to never let me see my stepson, he was going to take custody of our kids, cut us off financially, etc… when I didn’t give in and go back, he went to the court and got a restraining order against me, forbidding me to be on our property, and accused me of everything he was… he was granted a temp order until we could appear in court and let a judge decide. While awaiting court, he stopped paying the bills and abandoned the house, yet never told me and allowed EVERYTHING of mine and our children’s was thrown in the streets…. he disappeared for two and half years with almost no contact, no child support, no phone calls to check on the kids, NOTHING!!! He had moved onto a new life with his most naive mistress and their new baby…. he was finally arrested for child abandonment among other criminal charges unrelated to me, and I was able to serve him with divorce papers. After 18 horrific months, we were divorced. He still had almost nothing to do with our kids, no visitation no involvement and paid just enough of his court ordered child support to keep him out of jail. We lived with my brother and his family for three years, I never got counseling or did anything to help me heal from our life with him, I thought leaving was enough, and I was a single mom of 5 kids 2-12 years old, and two jobs… I didn’t have time to seek help or even realize I needed it! After three years, the kids and I were able to get our own home, GREATEST DAY OF OUR LIVES!!! I was able to maintain it for three more years. I had NEVER lived on my own, solely responsible for everything and raising five kids alone, with school, dr appointments, working as many hours as possible to sustain our lives plus all of the things that come with all of the above.. grass cutting, cleaning, laundry, etc… I had begun seeing someone and was completely in love with him and he with me, my ex husband was tormenting me with not paying child support, not showing up for scheduled visitation just to interrupt whatever I had going on, sending DFACS to my house with bogus accusations, telling the kids mountains of lies, lavishing them with gifts, yet withholding child support he knew very well was crucial to sustaining our home…. eventually I became worn down , exhausted, depressed, overwhelmed, had anxiety attack and all of which was affecting every aspect of my life, our lives! I began having a few drinks at night, to “take the edge off “ help me sleep or just to calm my anxiety enough to manage my daily evening responsibilities. Which started to build over the next six months, during which time it was mid October and I was laid off and was having a rough patch in my love relationship, which was devastating… my few drinks slowly but surely turned into borderline alcoholic behavior, and within four months of unemployment, I was losing our home!!! I had no job, no resources, no help and no where to go! I took my children to my brothers home once again, but I wasn’t able to live there this time, as my alcohol use was what everyone in my family judged to be the sole cause of the unraveling of my life! I admit it certainly contributed, majorly in the very end, but it was certainly not the main nor only cause!!! Nevertheless, I was judged by my family harshly, very harshly, nevertheless. I had only planned or even thought that I would be able to get my life back together and my kids and I back into a home and together again. However, I was unable to find a job that was in my field, or making any substantial wage, and after 8 months I was very discouraged and began feeling hopeless and distraught, and began drinking again and even more. I was completely alone and living in my car, I had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!!! I tried to begin counseling but with ZERO COPING SKILLS and a narc mother and father and dysfunctional childhood, and adult life, I didn’t know where to start. Once I actually met with a therapist, I went three or four times, and left there feeling suicidal, defeated, alone, lost, ashamed and more and more ALONE!!! I could not deal with it, I was “better off “ in my mind, with what I was able to assess at that time, by not getting counseling, I was more functional when I was not getting therapy. Holding on by a very thin thread. So I would drink, in my car alone trying to pass the time alone until it was time for sleep and then work. I ended up getting a DUI lost my license, car, (my house at the time) job, and my brother then wanted me to sign over temporary guardianship for my kids. Which I still had full custody at this time. I decided to give him guardianship, and go into a treatment program. Once, I did go into a program, wouldn’t you just know, that all of the sudden my ex husband, starts getting the kids for visitation, paying them child support consistently, helping with school clothes, taking them for haircuts or doctors appointments (HE HAS NEVER TAKEN THEM TO A SINGLE APPOINTMENT EVER BEFORE) becoming the “ideal parent and ex husband “ for the appearance to both my family and most importantly to our kids, like I WAS/AM the problem and “crazy/unstable “ one!!!
I completed my year long program, I am sober, working, living with my mom, and finally getting my youngest two kids for weekend visitation etc. we have been in counseling for about a year now as well. My three youngest kids and I. My oldest son ( my stepson) is 22, with his own family and we have a good relationship. He has minimal contact with his dad. Our 20 old daughter hasn’t spoken to me in 17 months now. Our 16 year old son is in counseling with us, but doesn’t really come to visit with me, he has a job school and he is a teenager but nonetheless he does go spend the weekend with his dad occasionally. Of course, I live with my mom and aunt and it’s small with no video games or much to do but it still hurts my feelings. My youngest daughter 13, has been spending a lot more time with me lately, which is amazing! My youngest son 11, comes to see me once or twice a month but doesn’t usually spend the night. Again, no video games so I know that has a lot to do with it.
But I can’t help but think about it all sometimes, and be in complete disbelief at the way it’s all unraveling…. I did EVERYTHING I could to provide, love, support, care for and guide my children and he did NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR TWENTY YEARS….. and he sees them more than I do….. he smears me and everything about me to them, makes up terrible lies, and yet they don’t see it…
this article really gave me hope…. that it will all work out the way it should in the end. I know now, from counseling, the program, my relationship with God, my sponsor, and finally myself, that this article is the TRUTH!!!
Thank you for sharing!
Please pray for me and my children. ❤️

Hi Kay,

Sending you so much love to you and your daughter.

I truly hoped that I have helped.

Many blessings to you both

Mel 🙏💕💚

That had to be so hard, Julien. Twenty-eight years is a long time to endure that pain. I only have one child who is now 16. The way things evolved in my marriage, I didn’t figure it out until after 18 years. My daughter says that if I had figured it out before then, that we probably wouldn’t have the tremendous relationship we have now. I left after 18 years, but I only have the one child. I wonder if I would’ve stayed if I had more children. I love THE FREEDOM HOUSE!!! If you don’t mind, I may use this for mine once my husband leaves at the end of October!

My daughter is now 16 years old. Because of my ex’s narcissism, his insecurity led him to malign me in my daughter’s eyes, from telling her I didn’t know how to clean properly to telling her I was having an affair with another man because I stayed at work late. He told her this when she was 9 years old. And what is a little girl to think? I didn’t find out any of this until around the time I was getting ready to file for divorce.

I realized that I had not protected her because I was trying to present a “united front” in our parenting of her. But once my eyes were opened, I began to see the damage he caused her emotionally and psychologically, as everything had to be about him. Sometimes she would go to school upset (she left home after I did), and I would get texts from her expressing her upset while she was at school.

I took my daughter to see a counselor (I never found one that I resonated with, but I’m doing good internal work). It has been good for her, and she now sees how his narcissistic traits manifested themselves, and how they have affected her. He doesn’t support her in any way, although he tries to engage her superficially from time to time. She sees right through it. So basically, she has also gone “no contact,” because his presence in the house and in her life has been so toxic.

For a while, she didn’t feel as though she could ignore him because he was her dad. After awhile, after seeing how his behavior affected her day to day, I gave her permission to walk away from him if he asked her to do something for him. Because to do that would exert control over her. Or if he tried to have some ridiculous superficial conversation that went nowhere. I gave her permission to walk away. It took her a little minute to embrace that, but she finally did. And while it is still hard for her, she realizes that the less time in her space, the better she feels.

He will be out of my home by October 22, 2020. So a few more months. What I try to do is help her to unpack the behavior so that she can recognize it when she sees it. And she’s already seen it in one of her classmates in school. She’s very intuitive. What I constantly pray for is that she doesn’t get caught up in a similar relationship.

Thank you for this work, Melanie. Your blog was one of the first I found at the end of last summer (2019), and I continue to read. What a tremendous service. Thank you.

Awww Lotalee,

I am so pleased that you are feeling hope Dear Lady.

Thsts wonderful that you found your way into this incredible community when you knew its was your time to heal.

Sending you many blessings and breakthroughs

Mel 🙏💕💚