[breadcrumb]

I want to share this article with you because I want to grant you some more awareness of the bonds that happen between narcissists and co-dependents – and why they happen.

This is very important because it allows us to realise that connections and relationships between people are not a random event – they are in fact vibrational.

By understanding how matches between different personalities work, we can understand how by changing our vibration we can in fact change our relationship experiences.

The good news is there is a way to embrace our self-awareness, and the nurturing and the healing of our inner self in order to gravitate to completely different life and love experiences.

During my time of study of what creates relationships with narcissists I found that a strong common denominator is people who are addictive in nature. These are individuals who have come from past histories of substance addiction, or who have compulsive obsessive natures.

Let’s look at this firstly from a deeper spiritual perspective.

An addiction prone or obsessive nature makes it very difficult for an individual to have and maintain a connection to their inner being.

In fact when any of us are not at one with our inner being – this creates a painful and empty void. Emotionally this pain registers as anxiety. The ‘normal’ human tendency is to seek something on the outside to fill ‘the gap’ of this painful inner void.

Some thing, activity or focus.

The irony is that a painful empty void is a painful empty void – nothing from the outside can be used as a substitute to fill it. The only remedy is to have a healthy connection with our inner being. Which fundamentally means to create, nurture and maintain a healthy self-loving and self-valuing relationship with ourself.

 

What Are Addictions?

Let’s discuss what addictions really are.

I certainly do not want to step on anyone’s toes regarding the theory of addiction. I am aware of the chemical and physiological manifestations – but I would like to put forth that I believe the addiction (including the physiological manifestations) is a symptom of the issues – rather than the issue itself.

I believe the addiction is simply what the person reaches for in order to try and burn off the pain (the anxiety) of having a void in their inner self. It is an attempt to relieve the pain of not being at one with one’s self.

If the addiction could be an actual substitute for the inner void that might be okay, but it never can. In fact by engaging in addictive or obsessive behaviours what occurs is self-avoidance. Self-avoidance creates an inability to look at what is causing the obsessive compulsion – and healing the real issue – which prevents a healthy connection to the inner self being established.

Of course this self-avoidance may not be conscious. In fact it is likely not to be. The truth is bit by bit from early childhood we were disconnected from ourself, and we became more and more used to self-avoiding.

Many of us have been in denial with our compulsions or even addictions and had wonderful excuses for them. If the compulsion is caretaking others this means we are empaths with big hearts. If it is workaholism we are doing a wonderful job providing for our family. If it is sex this may be rationalised as being a physical sensual person. If it is alcohol it may be passed off as ‘I deserve a drink after working so hard’ and so on and so forth.

The truth is unless we were brought up through childhood with the regular messages “You are worthy. You are lovable. I believe in you…” we did not grow up with a solid inner self. The older we got the more we disconnected from loving and accepting ourself, the more challenges and disappointments we faced, and the more we tried to use stuff on the outside to fill our inner void as a substitute to try to feel loved, whole and worthy.

Hence what caused and exasperated obsessive and addictive behaviours.

Like most victims of narcissistic abuse, I had some severe obsessive behaviours. When I was younger it was extreme drinking binges. As I got older, even though the alcoholic binges stopped, smoking and workaholism persisted.

These habits were very unconscious for me, even though they were obvious. Like most addictions I had all sorts of excuses. The obsessive pulls and urges would come up when I was suffering the most anxious times. In these times when my inner void was at its worst, rather than attending to the real issues, I would use smoking or work to self-avoid instead.

All I was doing was shoving my inner pain back down. As a temporary measure I would feel relief in those choices – but the underlying anxiety and pain was never dealt with and was always continuing to re-surface. During my narcissistic relationships there was an enormous amount of escaping into work or smoking – these were my ‘pacifiers’ that keep me avoiding my real inner wounds that were of course being horrifically activated.

The more and more disconnected from my inner self the more delusional and powerless my life became.

I hope you can relate – and know that if you are honest with yourself there is every chance you can. Your addictions may not be as obvious as mine were, or maybe they are more extreme. These addictions could be any obsessive act such as eating, being on the internet, shopping, having to see people constantly etc. etc.

 

The Link Between Co-Dependency and Self-Avoidance

Co-dependents are famous for self-avoidance which I believe is just another term for ‘addiction’ – the trying to burn off the pain of having an inner void with the use of a compulsive act.

The reason co-dependents are so famous for it is because they have integrity and are responsible.

Co-dependents are brilliant at ‘carrying on’ despite their pain – which means ‘getting on with things’, which means fulfilling their duties, looking after other people, not letting people down, and making sure the messes don’t get any worse, or can be avoided.

The truth is co-dependents are famous for looking to the outside and being disconnected from their true inner power. The co-dependent’s motto is “If everything on the outside of me can be controlled and be okay, then maybe I can start to feel better on the inside”.

Until the co-dependent does the inner healing journey and works out that life always begins from the inside this is a self-defeated quest.

 

How Does This Relate To Narcissistic Abuse

So what has all of this to do with attracting a narcissist and being susceptible to narcissistic abuse?

Frighteningly an enormous amount.

We live in a physical Universe of like attracts like.

Because you attracted and sustained narcissistic abuse does not literally mean that you are a conscienceless ‘bad’ person. What it does mean is that vibrationally you had enough ‘of yourself’ which matched the narcissist’s vibration to create the union.

Truly there is not greater model of self-avoidance and addiction than a narcissist – and this is a powerful ‘match’ with what you may have had going on.

The narcissist also has a void in his or her inner self, and it is a very painful one. Everyone’s inner void they are trying to fill is painful to varying degrees. The narcissist’s inner void is intensely painful because it is self-annihilating.

The co-dependents inner void is full of unworthiness and feelings of being unlovable and not acceptable.  The inner beliefs that the narcissist holds for him or herself are so intensely self-loathing and self-persecuting that the narcissist decided to completely divorce his or her inner self and create a False Self in its place. The inner self effectively withered up and died as a result.

Because the narcissist has no inner self an extreme disconnection and anxiety occurs. In fact in this place of ‘inner no-where land’ the narcissist has become completely reliant on getting energy (narcissistic supply) from the outside to maintain any sense of existence, self-anchor or  ‘peace’.

The narcissist has no ability to connect to his or her Soul –  the ‘gateway’ being through the inner self. There is no ability to feel ‘oneness’, bliss, reverence or genuine love, worthiness and connection to self and life. The narcissist has no ability to see himself or other individuals as Source (God) sees people – which is through the eyes of love.

It’s a horrible position to be in and creates the intense need for narcissistic supply. The narcissist is driven by the inner anxiety of self-loathing, powerlessness and unworthiness to try to create a different version as per his or her impact with other people and outer conditions.

The narcissist is as addiction driven for narcissistic supply as a hardened drug addict is for heroin.

The problem is – as a result of submerging the inner self and creating a False Self in it’s place, the narcissist now has no inner resources to meet the self-annihilating inner void. There is nothing there to create self-love, self-acceptance or self- belief in order to face and heal the onslaught. The narcissist is doomed to operate through his or her False Self (which can never be real or connected to Source / God) in order to keep self-avoiding emotional annihilation. The False Self is the survival mechanism.

The narcissist is completely non-accountable. He or she never takes genuine responsibility or ownership for his or her inner void or the behaviour that erupts from the torture of having no inner self. The False Self is not real. It is a pathological construction, and this creates the ‘buffer’ of zero accountability. How can a ‘mirage’ have actually done something wrong?

It doesn’t matter how painful your inner void has become, and having taken on a great deal of the narcissist’s projections the chances are yours has become pretty intense. Please rest assured if you have not sold your soul – if you have not become a malicious pathological liar who is completely focused on using people as objects to gain narcissistic supply – you are safe – you still have an inner self to work with.

If you have reverence for life and others, if you have a conscience you are not a narcissist, and you can come home to yourself.

 

How I Healed My Self-Avoidance and Addictions

When I truly realised the correlation as to why my life was falling into the pattern of narcissistic partners, I had to look at my own levels of addictions and self-avoidance. Then one day the penny fully dropped.

That day I did a lot of Quanta Freedom Healing on it. This was the day when I smoked my last cigarette – totally knowing that I would never avoid feeling my emotions or dealing with what I needed to heal at an inner level ever again. I also knew I would never run to a work project when anxiety hit. It was time to deal with my inner self squarely once and for all.

What followed was more intense Quanta Freedom sessions with releases and inner transformations every day. I promise you in these sessions it had very, very, little to do with the narcissistic partners, it was all to do with myself . All the pain, insecurities and fears and wounds that I had covered up for decades – covered up with drinking, smoking and working.

This was the first time in my life that I was totally willing to face everything about the inner me I needed to without any distractions. There was no way I was going to continue self-avoiding and be in a relationship with a narcissist ever again.

FINALLY I had had enough!

I knew what a relationship with a healthy man looked like. This was someone who wasn’t self-avoiding, who was not addicted to getting energy outside of himself to feel better. This is a person who is solid in his own energy and emotionally healthy and whole. This is a person with a connection to his inner self.

In order to have a person like this in my love life I needed to firmly be the embodiment of this myself. My vibration needed to match.

With this new found commitment to face and heal my inner wounds an incredible thing happened – the urge for addictions left completely. I had struggled off and on with cigarettes my entire teenage and adult life, yet from that very day when I finally realised what the price of self-avoidance had been causing in my life – I never, ever again wanted a cigarette. I could NEVER imagine ever wanting one again – I simply would not do it to myself.

To me it was NOT the horror of the health risks –  it was the horror of continuing to engage in emotional self–avoidance.

My work life changed incredibly with the commitment to heal and fill my inner void healthily. I chose yoga and exercise every morning, organic food, and a healing self-commitment of gratitude lists, journaling exercises and Quanta Freedom Healing to release the wounds, fill myself and come home to ‘my inner’.

I found that in times of stress I was going to my inner self commitments and working so much less – yet still achieving everything I wanted to.

The total goal was to no longer be a vibrational match for a narcissist and become the vibrational match and true creator of the life I wanted to live and love in.

What happened is the pain, anxiety, and all the usual tendencies that I had (which truly had become my level of ‘normal’) all started to melt away, and what was replaced was incredible feelings of self-love, wholeness and authentic joy.

The first day I could look in the mirror deeply into my own eyes and say “Melanie I truly adore you, love you and believe in your worthiness” and feel it in my Soul I cried tears of joy and relief for about an hour afterwards. This was an incredibly special breakthrough moment.

 

Thinking About Your levels of Self-Avoidance

A very powerful exercise that you can do with yourself is sit with a journal and really feel in and answer these following questions.

How willing am I to feel and be with my pain?

When I start hurting, doubting myself or feeling unsafe what do I usually do?

Is what I am doing (if I am really honest with myself) a way of avoiding what is really going on within me?

Have I taken the time to be with my inner wounds and really ‘be’ with them, nurture myself and deal with them head on in order to heal them?

The problem is if we keep self-avoiding the cycle continues. The inner void calls out painfully – we feel the discomfort – we distract ourself with an activity outside of ourself to try to get relief – and then the inner void calls out again and gets louder and louder.

The truth of the matter is the longer we keep self-avoiding the more unhealthy we become, and the more we become disconnected from our ability to be healthy self-love, self-worth and self-value and we don’t evolve beyond our inner wounds to become a complete and whole human being.

And frighteningly we are a match for narcissists.

I hope this article has provided you with food for thought – and maybe has even smacked you between the eyes.

Realising the price of self-avoidance TOTALLY did that to me!

Please let me know in the comments.

 

Join My FREE 16-Day Recovery Course to Begin
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Related blog post

Reclaim Your Radiance and Confidence After Abuse

Read More

Narcissistic Abuse and Complicated Grief

Read More

Commments (108) + Leave a comments

108 thoughts on “How An Addictive Nature Makes You A Match For A Narcissist

  1. I have been self-avoiding through my divorce from my narc. On the internet: looking up NPD websites, watching his life on social media, distracting myself from what is going on around me. I am paralyzed – don’t know how to move forward.
    This particular article opened my eyes to what I am doing – and that I will eventually attract another narc into my life – and I know I could never survive this again. Thanks for the “smack between the eyes.”

  2. I totally agree that addictions are a symptom and not the cause. As I recovered from one addiction, I found new compulsions cropping up until I finally realized that my core problem was codependency. I’ve heard that recovery is like peeling an onion, there is just layer after layer. At first I believed that my problems came from childhood, which taught me about relationships in pretty unhealthy ways. But there are times that I think maybe I came in to this life carrying this energy with me which set me up for these experiences. Having this belief definitely helps me to “own” my own life and energy and to stop blaming others, which I have done for most of my life. It is getting better and I feel closer to myself in ways I never have known before. Each layer of the onion that peels seems to bring me deeper in to my own core.

    1. Hi Maren,

      I am glad you can relate, and that is wonderful you are focused on going within and healing.

      I totally agree that many of us ‘came in’ with this predisposition to be disconnected from our inner self – and that our childhoods were simply a ‘match’ for ‘more of the same’.

      We are so very fortunate in this time and age to see a much deeper truth of what is going on, and be able to have the tools and processes to restore our subconscious (which drives our life to the letter)to a much healthier version of beliefs.

      Then we can be aligned with the love, happiness and truth of life that is our divine right to experience.

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

    2. I wholeheartily agree with Mel and thank you for the dope slap! I have been self avoiding for my entire life and I am 52 years old. I do not have a solid sense of self and run away by using and abusing alcohol and cigaretts to avoid the anxiety. How do I stop doing this? How do Ibecome whole and have full self realization? I feel scared and alone.

      1. Hi Marcy,

        Yes when we realise this stuff it is a big slap for sure!

        How you stop this is by no longer running away from the anxiety and commit to doing the healing within. Then when you clear away the pain which has been holding you separate from Who You Really Are…then you will know yourself as whole.

        Self-relaisation starts with going inward to ‘self’.

        The fear and feeing aloneness is all a product of separating from your inner being. The illusion is that by going inwards it is going to be painful. The truth is it is incredibly comforting…but only when we decide to love and accept ourself warts and all.

        Mel xo

  3. Jane’s comment was like reading my own. I am self-avoiding through my divorce with my narc too. On the internet, obsessing over what ifs, focusing on activities that hide my pain from myself, or somehow create distraction. My boundaries are too weak with others and I help at my own expense. I need to buck up and focus on me! Thanks for the smack.

    1. Hi Karina,

      Yes I do know a lot of people can relate – and I am so glad I realised what ‘self-avoidance’ really creates to assist others as well as myself!

      Please have a read up on what NARP has created for people…(you can also listen to the radio shows re Galeet and Evy.)

      That is the healing journey that works, supports and changes the ‘inner’ teaching you how to shift into loving you and coming home to yourself.

      I am so glad this helped ‘smack’ you – (in a good way):)

      Mel xo

  4. Hi Jane,

    Truly it is not until we do turn and face our wounds – claim them and love ourself enough to do that – that we can move forward.

    Please know Jane, you can heal, and can do so much to support yourself and recover when you realise how important it is to do that.

    I hope this helps and grants you hope.

    Mel xo

  5. hi Mel. yes this is exactley how it was for me. Owning my void and reaching the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of the abuse i was accepting made me take stock . thanks for the bash with that four by two , yes you have once again illuminated the painfull life we have lived. I like you have found my self i looked in that mirror and i loved who i saw. I am me again and no longer feel alone , in fact i feel so connected to people that they are “lining up” to be friends .I have to learn now to accept friendship and honor friendship .Its a beutifull thing when i realised i no longer gave to get. Now giving is its own pleasure. Thank you for your ability to write this stuff out for those of us that arent so eloquent . I know you are spot on.
    I was addicted to trying to find love and you know i didnt recognise it even when its was right in front of me. A humbling experience. I many lovers did i reject because i couldnt accept their version of loving me ? thank you again i dont want make this a volume about me, Your work passion here is very appreciated. Ken

    1. Hi Kenn,

      I am so glad this made sense…and that you were on to it anyway! 🙂

      Truly the fact that people are authetically coming into your life is the reflection of you becoming authentic with yourself. And this is ‘known’ when all you have to do is simply be you and know you can love and allow others to be ‘them’..

      When you can just ‘be you’ and love giving as an expression of you that IS true freedom 🙂

      And when we are whole there is no need to ‘get’, and the irony is more of the ‘fullness’ just keeps getting attracted authentically in.

      ‘Giving to get’ is always a symptom of an empty inner void…as you have realised!

      Great point re rejecting lovers – because when there is a constant rejection of lovers, it is always about self-rejection…They are not loving me in a way that compensates me for not filling my own inner void – pure and simple.

      It is wonderful you have worked that out and dont have to keep living out that self-defeating pattern…because no-one can ever grant you the love you are not granting yourself…it was never their job 🙂

      So wonderful you are on the right track – and you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  6. Wow Melanie, I had the EXACT same experience as you re my addictions.

    I started smoking when I was 15 years old and continued on and off until last year when I started QFH. I considered myself more of a social smoker (never bought packs – only when I was stressed) and thought that because I started so young I would never stop completely. It wasn’t until my personal breakthrough with QFH that I stopped my desire completely. When I smell smoke or I am around it I actually need to physically remove myself. Before it would tempt me to have one. I actually thought to myself the other day, “I don’t know what I ever liked about smoking before” – I am completely at a different vibration for it now.

    When in my narcissistic relationship, all my addictions were more pronounced. I couldn’t go a whole week without drinking and would usually drink a lot. Since QFH, I haven’t had so much as a glass of wine in 6 months and I didn’t even notice it until someone bought me a bottle as a gift a month ago.

    My other addictions were also being on the internet (reason I had to cancel my personal facebook account) and constantly needing to be around people. I would spy on my narc and all his ex’s on facebook incessantly (even the ex’s he hadn’t spoken to in years). I was completely obsessed and addicted. Now I have no desire whatsoever to even look at the website.

    Also, I prefer being more alone these days, and when I am social I make sure I have a few days by myself after because being social all the time is exhausting for me now. Before QFH, I couldn’t go a day without either making plans with someone or at least talking on the phone with someone. I do not talk on the phone at all anymore unless there is a good reason and it’s usually brief. Before I could talk to my friends for hours about nothing just to have someone keep me company.

    Overeating was a big one for me too, and I am still working on that one (it’s actually what I am currently working through in the new program). Overeating comes from my ancestors and parents too so it’s a deep one for me.

    I never realized these were all addictions, part of co-dependency and a method of avoiding self. It was just interesting to me and something I noticed I stopped doing while I was doing QFH. Amazing.

    Thank you for pointing that all out!

    Lastly, I wanted to share with you that I listened to a radio show last night that talked about the ‘shift’ happening, and they talked about how there is also a change from masculine energy (narcissism being a big part of that) to feminine energy (intuition, which comes from soul truth) and that’s why there has been a huge epidemic of narcissism the last 10 years…it’s coming to light what needs to change. (masculine and feminine energy is not to do with male/female, but qualities that represent those energies.) I may not be articulating myself to explain it properly, but that was the jist of it and I wanted to share that with you.

    1. Hi GA,

      Yes there are so many of us who can relate to nervous anxiety and compulsions…totally.

      I agree that as soon as we realise they are covering up ‘what is really going on’, and go directly to what is driving the compulsions they start to dissolve away. The anxiety signals have finally received the inner attention they were screaming out for – and no longer need to remain.

      That is wonderful you are now working on the overeating with QFH in the new course, and I firmly believe you will find ‘the real reasons’ and nail it 🙂

      How fantastic that you now can be whole in your own energy. It truly is so life-changing when this occurs…fantastic 🙂

      Yes these energy shifts are fascinating. I totally agree that this is not so much to do with male / female as it is changes in consciousness. There is definetely a huge call for more of the feminine energy to ‘go within’. This is all to do with understanding we are vibrational creators, and there is nothing in our life playing out that does not correspond with what is emotionally going on within us – in our subconscious which can only be known, understood and worked with IF we start listening to, working with and honouring our emotions.

      Anything less is self-avoidance and separation from our inner self.

      Logic (masculine) simply does not create those inner recognitions or changes anymore – this energy shift means ‘If you don’t go within, you will go without’…meaning you will be powerless to become a conscious creator and have vibrational (manifestation) control over your life.

      Ironically when more and more people make the shift to emotional responsibility, and become able to love and accept themselves unconditionally and become emotionally authentic firstly with themselves and then with others – then relationships between men and women will be able to thrive, because there will be true emotional initimacy (In To Me See) and trust.

      There is only the ability to love another and receive love from another when we do love self.

      Then there is no more need for power struggles, control and fear. Finally we can be on the same team of authentic ‘oneness’ – and it can only emerge through emotional authenticity.

      Thanks as always GA for your lovely post!

      Mel xo

  7. Hi Mel,
    I’m so glad that you send the email links to your blog. Today’s article couldn’t come at a better time for me. Yesterday I quit smoking and i went all day but when something stressful happened at night, I went and bought a packet. I’ve done the same to day. So tomorrow I’ll start again, but this time knowing the reason behind the addiction. It’s sotrue what you ask in the article though, I know I fear facing what lies beneath. I have done a lot of personal inner work through NARP but because I was with a narcissist for so many years my own cycles of behavior are very entrenched. However, I don’t feel lost to these but rather by becoming more and more aware I can each day take another small step forward. Thanks for another enlightening article x every day things are becoming brighter and I’m coming to know my true self x

    1. Hi Tatiana,

      I can totally relate – that used to be my pattern with smoking as well – get clear – give up – get triggered – get another packet firmly believing ‘Just one more packet’…

      I know that when you fully grasp the content of this article that you will also say No More!

      This is the deal – fear what is underneath smoking or fear being with another narcissist again? What is the greatest fear? For me the answer was simple…and I was SO PREPARED to fully face what was underneath the compulsion of smoking and let it surface so I could clear and transform with QFH whatever it was each and every time…

      It is fascinating how much you can cry when releasing stuff that has been buried under cigarettes for decades! But OMG the release relief, freedom and transformations were so beautiful and powerful.

      And so much space opened in my life for gorgeous self-care and all the amazing stuff to love and nurture me with!

      And of course the anxiety stopped…

      Know the next step is totally amazing and liberating when you are ready to do it!

      Mel xo

      1. Thankyou for your encouragement Mel. I have two-ed & fro-ed for days now with this issue but like you say ‘the inner voice just gets louder’. It is obviously very much my time to listen and uncover whats underneath. However, when I ask myself the question that you’ve posed: “Is what I am doing (if I am really honest with myself) a way of avoiding what is really going on within me?” – I’m actually left not knowing the answer at all. Well when all the addictions went there for a day, I was left feeling empty, bored, not sure what to do with myself. There was so much time! I fell back into the addictive pattern again because the void was soo big! At the beginning of the article you state that after years with a narcissist the partner may find it difficult to hear her own inner voice – but no wonder – after all the projections and abuse she’s shouldered for so long. I know that is what its like for me know. I’ve been able to release responsibility for him, but now comes another level of taking responsibility – for me – the real me x this is even a greater challenge but I’m determined to keep trying x thanks Mel for this article. I’m learning a lot from it as I begin to understand the deeper level.

  8. Hi Mel, love this article and also how law of attraction brings what you need. My eldest children are struggling at the moment with addictions and depression. Reading your article I can see so clearly what is happening with them. I am concentrating on sending them good vibes and visualising them making good choices and slowly drip feeding them the things I have learnt from you. They can see how I have turned my life around with your help and Quanta Freedom Healing. In times of stress I now take myself to my ‘special’ place and push out the things worrying me and then top up with the bright light/energy. It works :).

    I can see how I was co-dependent in my marriage and addicted to food. Food didn’t shout at me!! Food didn’t criticise me or put me down. Also I realised by being very overweight I didn’t attract male attention so didn’t have to deal with my husband’s accusations and the aftermath. Now, it’s different, my body is MY body and its MY responsibility to look after it. I had changed my eating habits and walking everywhere (having no car to jump in helps). Unfortunately, six months ago I found out I had lymphoma and embarked on a course of chemotherapy. But the things you have taught me have kept me positive and strong. My new belief systems have got me through some very frightening times. I don’t look back now only concentrate on now, one day at a time. I am confident in myself (Oh how different to a few years ago), confident in my looks (I lost all my hair but go out with my bald head :)), confident in my beliefs. I love life now.

    1. Hi Sandra,

      yes Law of Attraction is always bringing us what we want and what we don’t want depending on where our focus is the most powerful – so when it is ‘what we want’ this is always a lovely indication that we are focused in ways which do serve us!

      This is wonderful that you are holding thoughts / feelings about your children finding and connecting to their true inner power, because this is the most powerful influence you can ever have for them.

      It is also wonderful that you have now found and use the tool to be able to manage your own vibration and that it has been able to help you so much in your times of need. There is no doubt that you ‘being’ your state of wellbeing is exactly the state that your body will flow forward into – it is energetic law, and so it will unfold for you!

      Congratulations on doing such a fabulous job 🙂

      Mel xo

  9. Wow! a true smack between the eyes. Describing co-dependency was like reading a resume of my biography. I try to fix everything around me, because then all will be well, right? Guess not! I know I have a journey within myself to heal, accept and move on. My concern now is that, I know it won’t be easy, I can imagine it’s like an enlarged version of the grief process where every step has to be embraced and experienced. How can a mother of two still living with my ex-narc (totally separate lives though) do it? Everyone tells me to hang in there for my kids, that I can’t afford to break down or be depressed or else I’d be destroying them as well as myself. Not everyone has the awareness that it’s something I HAVE TO go through to heal, not that I care what anyone believes at this point, except that I don’t want to hurt my children in order to heal myself. It feels selfish for a mother. I am moving out next fall, to another country, I’ll have a new life and all, but we’re still in some sort of a cold war on how much time the children will spend with each of us. The point is, I thought when I am on my own, I will be fine.. better off. But, after reading this blog, I am more aware that I still have a self-healing journey and I don’t want my children to pay its price. Is there any solution to this? It is sometimes a burden to take them out, help with their studies or even listen to them tell me about their days. Don’t get me wrong, I love them more than life, but I don’t know, it’s quite confusing me. On the other hand, when they spend time away from me, I miss them like crazy and can’t wait for them to come home. Right now, I feel like a mess.

    1. Hi MSA,

      Oh yes that is the co-dependent’s way – fix the outside to try to fix the inside…and unfortunately this is the Laws of Life completely back the front…

      I would like you to understand several things here – that when we do go to our inner with love and acceptance for ourself, (rather than self-rejection because of having ‘flaws’) rather than it being a horrible experience it is in fact incredibly validating, soothing and relieving – totally.

      It is in fact what our inner has been screaming out from us for so long – to have us stop, turn around and grant ourself loving attention and support. The total illusion has been that someone else needed to grant it – and of course they never did or could.

      There is another very important point for you to understand here as well – that the greatest gift you can grant anyone in your life who you love is your emotional authenticty – which is to be REAL with them.

      When we are real with the people we love we also grant them permission to be real…which means everyone has the ability to be truly loved SIMPLY for being themself.

      I promise you that when you are real with your children, which means you grant yourself permission to be sad, vulnerable, hurt etc and take full responsibility for this and allow them to see it they will learn the greatest gift you can ever teach them – unconditional love firstly for themselves (because they now have permission to be real) and also how to fully accept and love others ‘flaws’ and all…

      Our children pay an incredible price (as we all did) for not being encouraged to be real…

      When you embrace getting real, loving and supporting yourself you will see everything in your life change MSA…as well as everyone you love, and there will be no more pain.

      The pain is simply because you are not aligned with your inner being and ‘being real’ yet.

      Mel xo

  10. Hi Melanie, Once again you point out the right patern…but not easy to get off of paterns…Before meeting my Narc, I thought I had no addiction. I am a healty girl, eating well, not smoking and not drinking much…I always struggled to not get addicted to anything…I always had too big heart and want always help (my narc mother used me well for that) and I was too concentrated on my work and get solve all problems around me…But I understood after this horrible relationship with my narc that I was getting addicted to him after 8 months of relationship. I already experienced this kind of addiction yonger, which I called love,etc…

    Strange thing is that he was often telling me that we were addicted to each other and I was answering that it was not my case…Once he droped me by surprise, I understood that it was the case…Today, after one year of “no contact” I know that I am still obssessed, looking often about news on him on inetrnet…It is getting less and less but it is not over…I thought that I worked on myself and got close to my inner self…

    1. Hi Jay,

      It is not easy to get off patterns when we avoid them – that is the truth. When we face them at a deep inner level then we do have the ability to change them.

      Yes a relationship with a narcissist is all about addiction, and the narcissist truly promotes and encourages this dependency because it ensures him or her narcissistic supply.

      If you are still feeling pulls, obsessions and addictions it is because you have not healed the inner parts of you that are not as yet a connection to your own life force for yourself.

      Because your mother was a narc, you were disconnected from being your own ‘source to self’ from an early age.

      It will be when you heal these inner patterns and programs then there will be no more obsession – you will be free, and until you do you will still feel obsessed or re-create another obsession – that is simply Law of Attraction.

      To change the way it feels and what ‘life’ is showing you here needs the inner work.

      Mel xo

  11. Wow. I have been sober in AA 42 years, but just got out of a 20 year relationship with a NP. I do Jungian analysis, but feel a huge well of inner pain. My childhood was marked by a bad adoption to two alcoholic NP. In the past I also smoked 3 packs of Gitanes daily.This web site is amazing and is helping me more than my shrink. I think I need the Quanta-Healing package. I have don no contact for 4 months but saw my ex at a gala last night with his new girlfriend and slept all day. I broke it off and do not want to go back/ but the senario made me realize it was final. We had gone back and forth many times.

    1. Hi Ann,

      Yes the alcohol, the smoking, the narc was all a symptom of being disconnected from your inner being – totally.

      The NARP Progam will finally give the tools, instructions and processes to heal this…

      You are ready! 🙂

      Mel xo

  12. caretaking, ugh!, addicted to limiting beliefs, another ugh!, sometimes shopping, eating, sometimes compulsive connecting when I feel I need support, which is different from asking for support from a non-anxious state…..I am noticing it is all about compulsion, or anxiety, much like the narcissists compulsion for supply. (which had me thinking I was the narcissist) At times it has felt like I would die if I was not able to find externals to soothe myself. I do have a ‘real me’ inside, that I am getting to know more and more as the fog clears….i can actually say I am beginning to really like myself, warts and all….what a concept! I also think it is important for me to remember that all human beings have some of these dynamics at work, because we are all a work in progress…this helps me gain perspective, and realize I will always be on a growth path, even long after I am healed from my marriage. The difference is, I will have much more of a real me to offer a real other, so that a real relationship can be. Self awareness is key to change. Many blessings!

    1. Hi Ruth,

      Ok it is great that you have realised that anxiety is driving the compulsions.

      I am glad you brought up the point of comparing yourself to a narcissist. This is what I want everyone to understand – that the inner anxiety of not being connected to our inner being is Universal – it is a human condition for most people to varying degrees – co-dependents, narcissists and any version of human being on the scale in between.

      In NO way does the anxiety and inner emptiness make you a narcissist…what would make you a narcissist is IF you tried to fill you inner void in ways that had no reverence for the damage it caused to others. Meaning to ‘get your own way’ and to ease your feelings of unworthiness driven from your ego – you purposefully mined people, lied to them, used them or created fabrications despite the damage they may cause to others in your need to secure an agenda.

      THAT makes you a narcissist.

      THAT is only possible from people who have a False Self that has taken over and is in charge of their life.

      THAT is NOT you.

      How wonderful you are learning how to unconditionally love and accept yourself, because that is key. And YES we all have parts of us that need healing, loving and supporting – without exception, and how wonderful for us all to know it is perfect to be ‘imperfectly perfect!’

      So true – when you are totally comfortable being ‘real’ with you – you will create a real relationship with a real person, but not until then. That is the essential truth for all of us.

      Great job 🙂

      Mel xo

  13. Dear Mel, this article is really a ‘smack between the eyes’.

    A great read and extremely eye-opening. I use your words to get by in many instances when I have an encounter with my (now ex Narc). Thanks so much for your sincere help and guidance. Much love xxx

  14. Hi Mel

    Its amazing that this blog came up today. This is the question I asked of another healer today “why do I keep attracting NPDs after no 3 entered my life” the last altruistic narcissist slipped through what I though was my defense. The good news was the relationship was done and dusted after 8 weeks as I recognized the N as he showed his colors, the bad news was I attracted him in the first place. I have heard the same thing over the last couple of days. I need to heal this part of me and today I have finally found out what I don’t know and to start the work. I will join in the QFH as I know this is what will get me there. Although I have a long way to go I feel an incredible peace and knowing I am finally on the right path. thx

    1. Hi Tracy,

      that is wonderful that you have attracted the answer. Totally!!

      It is also fantastic that you got out early and did not need the lesson in a heavier fashion again!

      Yes, truly NARP work will clear what you need to in order to come home to yourself.

      It is wonderful that you are pointed on the direct path now – and your inner being agrees with you on this – hence the feelings of relief and peace!

      Gorgeous…

      Mel xo

  15. This gave me so much food for thought. Yesterday was my birthday. Not only did my NH not acknowledge it, after I expressed the hurt that I felt at that, he insisted it was my fault that he did not even say happy birthday. Then the self deprecation came on strong and he still is having to make it about him. The same thing happens every year at Christmas, and mothers day. After reading this I could see the part that I play and the cycle of pain for him. My trap is that my head starts thinking he will change. Even after reading this I caught myself thinking he could connect with his inner being and then it will be alright. I have 2 teenage daughters that are watching this and I am troubled by what they are learning. Not sure what to do, but as I do my own work I have faith it will resolve. Thank you for your insights and love.

    1. Hi! Yesterday was a BIG moment for me and I want to share with you. my Narc and I met at 15–married at 18 and after 37 years togther–divorced a month ago. I was the source of his unhappiness–everything that was ever bad in his life was my doing. After almost a year of no contact with him I actually SPOKE to him yesterday to just “see” if now that the source of his unhappiness was gone if he was truly changed…he opened his mouth and all the hate,anger,and revenge came POURING out. In that INSTANT I realized that HE truly was the reason I had been so miserable–because HE IS A MISERABLE person–I on the ohter hand now love myself,respect myself adn see that HE has no place in my life!

      1. Hi Rhonda,

        this is wonderful that you have realised that you are never responsible for someone else’s happiness or unhappiness, and it is actually an illusion that we also take on that the narc is responsible for our levels of happiness or unhappiness.

        ALL symptoms of being disconnected from inner being!

        Your can see the dance that not only the narcissist does, but the one we joined in on.

        How wonderful that you now have come home to you and taken responsibility to be your own source of happiness and wellbeing…and how great that you can now share that in the world with other healthy people 🙂

        Mel xo

    2. Hi Robin,

      Yes you are describing the cycles of his narc behaviour absolutely.

      You are both caught in a cycle of feeling disconnected from your inner wellbeing and trying to hold the other person responsible for that.

      It is impossible for anyone in our space to connect to their inner being when we are not. Your emotions were never going to be solved regarding what he is or is not doing…he is only going to reflect back to you ‘more pain and disconnection’..

      And the truth is if he is a narc – he simply does not have the resources to create his inner wellbeing even if you do detach, find and connect to yours.

      Your work is to make your mission your connection to your inner being and allow him to be whatever he chooses for his own.

      This is the greatest message that you can grant your children – that it is never about anyone else’s inner connection – and as their Mother you can lead by example for them to understand how important it is to take responsibility for their own.

      Mel xo

  16. Hi Mel,

    I know this is 100% truth of what is happening to me. I think your life and mine are identical except you are miles ahead and the path. So I trust you cn guide me on the way forward. We have talked about smoking a few times and this article explains exactly what is going on with me and I am sure others.
    I have a few questions. When you state the day the penny dropped and you did a lot of QFH. What specifically did you do? I do not want to self avoid anymore I have had enough. I have blamed my pain and feeling on the outside my whole life.
    Can you explain exactly how you connect to Source/God? I am have had enough of the pain, stress, aniexty. Thanks you Mel for helping us. I know you have walked miles in our shoes and know the way out of this. Big Hug!

    1. Hi Randy,

      that is great this resonated powerfully with you – truth certainly has a way of doing that 🙂

      Ok re the QFH that day – what I am going to tell you is incredibly simple….

      I ALLOWED myself to fully feel the pain of the anxiety. Then I went to my healing space – on my couch – went inside myself, dropped right inside the pain, opened up and asked ‘What is this pain really about’.

      Then I got the answer and starting clearing with QFH…and that is the process always – just that! There is nothing more complicated than that!

      Regarding the connection to Source / God / Life – we ALREADY are that Randy. The bigger part of us – non-physical energy is Source Energy…You may wish to call that your Soul if you like.

      We have never not BEEN this…it is just we can live the experience of being disconnected from this.

      When we are in our mind, when we are running beliefs and stories of self-judgement, criticism, and looking the outside to try to fix our inner pain – we are NOT connected to the frequency of this part of us…

      It’s like trying to pick up an FM station on an AM wavelength – it just does not happen…and because we are not aligned with our Soul our emotions hurt! That is what is telling us we are not aligned.

      This is WHY there is nothing more important in our life than getting aligned – because it is where all of our life is created from – our state of inner alignment or non-alignment.

      The tendency is we try to get aligned by ‘doing’ – but truly the ‘doing’ is fruitless if we have not worked on the ‘being’ part of it first.

      Does this make sense?

      Mel xo

  17. Ouch, here I really get som tough love- and I needed it! I even seek out for it! The feeling of truth is so sweet.

    This article makes me reflect and realize that after I did the great job stopping using binge eating, I just have switched over to drinking a lot of tea and be all the time on the internet or doing whatever distracts me from my emotions. lol Well, I just have to start all over with the Quanta Healing sessions again now- I for sure have not gone through everything yet, not in any level. (Even though I have done a lot of progress- better remember giving myself credits for that, too). 🙂

    Oh, I am so touched by your care Melanie, I am so glad that you choose to spend time on serving me and so many others by sharing what you have found; thank you!

    Love, Lill

    1. Hi NMSD,

      This is great this message hit home!

      Yes the trick is to be AWARE when we are avoiding anxiety with distractions rather than embracing it.

      Lovely you are giving yourself credit – as there is absolutely not value in self-recrimination. Law of Attraction will simply co-create more events to screw up with in your life to beat yourself up with again!

      Self-love and self-encouragement is so much more productive 🙂

      Lots of love Lill, and I am so pleased I did too…I feel blessed and humbled that I can!

      Mel xo

  18. I decided to divorce my Narc husband after 32 years of marriage–although I actually had almost 36 with him. I have lost 62 pounds in the last 16 months–I don’t need baked goods or candy–I WANT respect,love, compassion and happiness and without him in my life I found all of those things within MYSELF!

  19. Thank you Mel.Thank you.A smack between the eyes,your article made me cry.I cried for me, for the lost little girl.

  20. This was a very eye-opening article for me. I just got out of a relationship with a NPD partner and have been stuck in the cycle of asking myself “How did this happen?” or “Why me?” I have realized the answers are all within myself.
    I never once considered myself to be an addictive personality, however, the article gave me a good knock in the head that I am. During my teenage years I suffered from Anorexia Nervosa (an ADDICTION to weight loss and maintaining an unhealthy weight)which nearly cost me my life. Later, in the year prior to meeting my NPD, I was going on alcohol binges 3 or 4 nights a week and taking Adderall or Focalin on the other nights to do work. I can’t believe I never realized that the NPD fit right in with my past addictions!
    Thanks for a great article.

  21. Your article is splendid. In my view extremely helpful. I would have a couple of suggestions.

    When referring to self awareness i believe it would helpful if you do not use the word God in any way to define this awarness or use it in any advice for attaining this self love.
    My life was made a nightmare by people who used God as others use alcohol and it is a tool of self denial in the majority of fanatical religous people. This tool oof self denial is used by organizations like the catholic church to sustain an iron age manipulation and control of people. Sounds awfully narcissistic, doesn’t it?

    I would talk about the purpose in emotional inteligence and development of tears and crying. Every day things happen in our lives that doesnt match our self image. Tears follow and this is part of the process of acceptance of reality and changing the self image to suit and allign with truth. At this point I would like to point out the fact that love and truth, as far as human emotion is concerned is the same thing.

    My wife and her brother never cried all of their lives. They ridiculed me for crying. They were rediculed for crying by their religous leaders and parents. Their natural processes of self development and awareness were strangled in the name of God.

    My second son was a difficult to understand. He was over active a school. i was worried and so was my wife. The head master knocked on the door one day and came inside. He asked us if we realised how amazing and gifted our son was in all subjects and personal development at school. I cried wonderful tears of Joy. My wife felt ashamed to be my wife at that moment.

    All children should be taught what tears are for and why they happen and how productive they can be. One should not ever be a parent without this knowledge.

    My knowledge of this subject of your work is very strong and comes from a 30 experiance of trying to connect with a person who hated the true self. You know how how tough it was for me. i have been through the cure and i feel peace. Peace being another way to define the feeling one has when tears have been allowed to do their work. I think the way i made the journey was through the write ing a few hundred folk songs and a dedication to a music hobby and the writing of lyrics that come from the heart or the true self. This process of art, in many ways puts a person in reach of the true self, gives us an awarness and ability to grow.

    Thanks again for your work. I get many letters from people have thee troubles who see my music and can see the origin of my lyrics. I refer them to your work. In fact today i sent out yur link a few times.

    Cheers Doug

    1. Hi Doug,

      I am glad you liked the article.

      Yes my definition of ‘God’ is more universal and spiritual absolutely – and non-denominational.

      Yes I agree that any outer force using fear and punishment to command obedience to righteous expectations or prefential treatment is absolutely built on a narcissistic model that completely defies the truth of love, creation, life, allowing and wellbeing.

      This is lovely that you have found the way to connect to your True Self and be able to love and accept all parts of you – that is the freedom from the self-judgement and accepting judgement from others, and also creates a vibrational match of more authenticity and true love and intimacy.

      Thank you for sharing this link and also for your post.

      Mel xo

  22. My my my how timely…..

    So i have been working and shifting stuff, and yesterday i took a day off just to focus on things that were on my mind, give them attention and release what i needed to.

    Then about 8.30pm after being done with it all, i felt like i needed to run to the movies or do something because i had spend the day to myself and wanted to escape my Void…My inner self at that point wanted rest, i was tired yet did not want to be with myself (i was wanting to self avoid, loneliness and boredom). Yet because it was too dark and i had wanted to walk to the movies i ended up staying indoors, listened to the news, and had a 1/2 glass of wine….

    Self avoidance does not work and i know it was the reason i kept chasing the narcissist, so i could feel thrilled and quench inner pain…That almost cost me my dear life…

    Dealing with self avoidance is the KEY…i agree totally Melanie, cause then you do not seek thrills and are not bored with yourself cause you came home to you!!

    1. Hi Rachel,

      what you have written about is wonderful self-realisation.

      This is the entire point – is that if we engage in ‘doing’ to try to change a state of ‘being’ then the doing is never going to be satisfying, beneficial or healthy to us.

      It is simple Law of Attraction. If we start from a beingness of emptiness and anxiety – then the outer results are simply going to add to the feelings of emptiness and anxiety.

      This is WHY it is so important to take responsibility to address the ‘beingness’ BEFORE attempting any doingness…

      How else do we become effective creators who are aligned with authentic power and results rather than floundering around trying to use external power as the substitute?

      Thank you for your post and awareness 🙂

      Mel xo

  23. Thank you for yet another reminder that I continue to avoid self by my addictive behaviours. I have been divorced from my narc for nearly 6 years, yet my life continues to be pain and misery. I am firmly intrenched in self-hate despite my self awareness and knowledge of the truths you share with others. I can’t seem to make the shift that I know will save my life…
    Apathy has replaced empathy.
    Your blogs are very helpful and will, in the end, be the catalyst for the change necessary for me to move into my authentic self.
    Thank you!

    1. Hi Lynda,

      this is great that you have realised this and had the courage to post – this is a wonderful step in the right direction.

      Now you can see what has happened, you have ignored you inner being enough that life has felt extremely painful…and this is what many people do – until they realise what is really going on.

      Many people cannot make the shift logically.

      This is because this shift needs to take place at a much deeper level – at a level that bypasses the logical / critical mind that is firmly focused on regurgitating ‘what I don’t want to feel like’ and will not allow a connection to ‘what I do want to feel like’…

      You need the processes that can shift you at that level – and of course you know what that means… doing the inner work on it.

      Mel xo

  24. Very insightful article Mel. Thank you so much for articulating what I knew and where my journey of recovery has already led me. I spent six months getting in touch with my strange dependency on “being needed” by my Narc wife in order to feel I had a purpose.I was so busy fulfilling her every whim that I completely ignored my own needs.

    I’m very connected now with my own self worth and have rediscovered the really loving and caring man that doesn’t need outside reinforcement to be completely at ease with his own company. As I exude this self-assured confidence in who I am at my core others are drawn to me for healthy, bi-lateral, mutually enriching exchanges and relationships. It’s a time of new beginnings for all things. I too took up journaling, although we men don’t call it that. 🙂 This later on turned into an opportunity to educate others as a friend of mine teaches a post grad course in personality disorders. I have now helped him write his curriculum and have spoken to his classes about my personal testimony.

    Now if I could just get my ex to give me all of my property back that she’s holding hostage I could go NC. I’m fully prepared to let it all go as I know it is common for NDP’s to feel entitled. A small price to pay for freedom right? Keep up the great support for those of us on the mend. Much love. We male victims love you too. 😉

    1. Hi Male NPD Survivor,

      This is wonderful that you have come home to self – to be yourself without needing to seek other’s approval – which was never healthy for you or anyone else!

      Know this re your property. When you get aligned with your abundance and unlimited nature you will know that she is not your Source of that.

      What is yours by divine right is yours whether it comes through her or not…and then you can release yourself from any need for her to play fair.

      Life is playing fair with you abundantly when you are connected to your limitless inner being.

      Lots of love to you too – and so pleased I can help.

      Mel xo

  25. This is another great article Melanie. One thing I ould like to add is that I believe ANYONE can fall into this pattern even if their lives have notbeen troubled and they have had a relatively ‘normal’ childhood. I have no doubts at all that the inner void and emptiness is what attracts narcissits to us. I believe I have always been empathetic and although for most of my life it didn’t cause any great problems I was lucky enough to be in a very stable, loving relationship that took the edge off any people I met who may have shown narcissistic tendencies. At this point they were mainly female friends who would act selfishly and wound me but with a loving husband the wounds didn’t run too deep.
    When he died suddenly, after the initial couple of years where I thought I had grieved ‘enough’ I decided to try online dating. It sent me in to a spiral of self destruction and an ever increasing ‘supply’ of gradually more severely narcissistic guys. Finally I met the full blown one having not learned the lessons from my previous encounters. Over the 3.5 years I knew him I was lucky enough to also start seeing a counsellor who helped me to make sense of the chaos. Gradually over that time I became more self aware, more confident, more able to stand my ground and more able to deflect the blows the NPD man threw my way. Nothing I did made any difference to him but it did make a difference to me as I slowly grew stronger.Our ‘interactions’ did change which I mistakenly thought was him changing until six months ago I realised he hadn’t changed at all but my lack of reaction forced him to change his behaviour towards me. He finally told the truth but somehow I saw that it was without any emotion or accountability and I knew that there was nowhere left to go.
    I won’t pretend that the last 6 months have been easy but I have not felt the old need to contact him and whenever the emptiness and loneliness kick in where before I would have made contact I now let the empiness be and sit with it. Each time those feelings subside quicker when I allow them to be. I’m sorry this is quite a long winded story but I think it is worth noting that we can all reach a point in our lives, through loss, divorce, life changes, ageing and many many more where we lose our identity and are left with a void/emptiness that seems impossible to fill. I found the only person who can is ourselves. Change is never easy and takes great courage which I see in abundance in all the comments here. BUT it is worth it when you can finally come home to youtrself. I may always have a part of me that will miss my husband but slowly the emptiness is being filled with healthy friendships and activities that no longer have the obsessive or addictive qualites that once ruled my world.
    I wish everyone courage as they seek to make the change to find who they are. There is an alternative – we can stay where we are and allow another’s pain to rob us of our happiness and joy and the chance for a fulfilled life.

    1. Hi Carrie,

      yes I agree that anyone who does not know they are a source of wellbeing to themself can fall into this pattern.

      If we believe that someone else or something else is our source then we can disconnect from ourself and become a co-dependent – absolutely.

      Your husband lovingly was that buffer for you – and then when he left it would have felt like the strings that help you up were dropped all of a sudden. And of course that was very painful…

      This is wonderful that you now are filling you and coming home to you, and you have realised the importance of this. This truly was your Soul’s plan – so that is lovely that you have embraced this.

      Thank you for your wonderful post and share.

      Mel xo

  26. Thanks Melanie for the “smack between the eyes”. I am past the Narc abuse and worked NARP and now module 3 on codependency on the new QF empowered self course. I was never an addictive personality, very disciplined, very focused and still a victim to narc-abuse. I think it was my over functioning and very high threshold for pain, which led me to my suicidal breakdown after immense pain. I was addicted to the adrenaline rushes of keeping life under control within ever moving goalposts. So even if I am not an addictive personality, this article helped me so much to understand to attend to myself in every way, to love myself and look after myself first. I am getting better at this every day, sometimes catch myself with negative self-talk and a tendency to be harsh again towards myself. Normally I catch this after a few hours, listen to your shows, audio-books and the healing-sessions. This article and the radio-show are just so good, concise, reassuring and empowering. I think I will be “addicted” (smile) to your materials for a while. Thanks so much. Christine.

    1. Hi Christine,

      You are very welcome for the smack!

      Oh yes over-functioning is just another word for self-avoidance. And truly so many co-dependents have a hugely high tolerance to emotional pain – hence why they just ‘get on with it’..

      This is not necessarily a good thing at all – much ‘weaker’ souls would never be able to tolerate the pain of narcissistic abuse – and actually don’t as soon as the monstrous behaviour appears.

      This is fantastic you are committed to self-care and self-love. All you need to do is listen to, go to the inner signal of pain and anxiety and keep clearing and keep connected to the thoughts and activities which state ‘Christine I adore you, support you, believe in you and salute your worthiness’.

      Big smile back – and much love!

      Mel xo

  27. He made me believed I was at fault, not worthy of his love. If only I would be what he wanted me to be everything would be fine and then he would grow to love me? I know better now, I left and he moved on to internet dating for his new supply as I always knew he would, but didn’t want to know. I was in denial because I didn’t want to fail in a relationship as I had already been hooked into the idea that it would be my failure. He used my “tenacity” to keep me hooked, now I recognise that the only failure was mine to myself. After some time of beating myself up while he swans around with his new muse I feel that I have had a lucky escape. Still working on my confidence and direction in the life that I really want and discovering more about my inner self. It is still haunting and maybe always will be, but it’s like the death of something that once felt so familiar and yet is distancing itself with the passage of time. I cannot forget and I shouldn’t, but I can forgive, embrace my pain, be grateful that I am able to give love and accept that I am worthy of love. I finally realised I was grieving not for him, but for myself. It never felt quite real because it wasn’t real. For seven years I lost any sense of reality, was confused, humiliated, put down and lost myself even though I have been a strong person raising my children alone and had managed my life admirably before he came along. The reasons he gave for not having children of his own was because they might be dull! That says more about him! He was jealous of my children who are loving and caring and jealous of me. I realised that I had insecurities, but then I realised his were far greater than mine and I took back my power and responsibility for myself rather than the responsibility he really believed that I owed to him and him only. He could not share, he had intimacy issues that he saw as my fault in spite of the fact that this is a two way street. No such thing with a narcissist. One way, their way! He is now with an internet lover a few years his senior having found a perfect supply for his needs and I am finally discovering my true value in life. Not quite ready for another relationship, but believe that when the time is right for me it will happen. I have learned what I want from love and what is required from me and not to be co-dependant in any kind of relationship to the extent that I found myself. I look forward to a better future, not back. Thank you to Melanie and all that have chosen to share this experience because now I don’t feel alone and isolated.

    1. Hi Sue,

      This is so true and wonderful that you realise you were grieving from yourself and not him – and that all of this was actually between you and you.

      Please know that NO this will not always be haunting – absolutely not. It is when you are in the process of healing – but when you come out the other side as a result of connecting to you, shifting defunct inner beliefs and open up the valve more and more to your inner being you will start to access a fullness, inner joy and feelings of IN-Love that you could barely believe existed..

      And then you will know what it is to be aligned with Who You Really Are. Without the wakeup call of what you went through you possibly would never have seeked your inner true alignment at this level.

      Absolutely make sure that your greatest love commitment is firstly to the relationship with yourself. Then you will open up the connection to the authentic relationship which is truly yours.

      Mel xo

  28. I am so glad to have found this website. I am not yet sure if my most recent abuser is really NPD or has narcissistic traits, cause he seems to feel guilty at least for the most cruel part of his behaviour, but after struggling to answer this question for months I now understand it doesn’t really matter. What does really matter is that the reasons why I suffered so much are mine and only mine to deal with and learn from.

    The good part is that I have been searching for my inner truth for the past three years, and coming closer and closer to it say after day. I believe this state of mind and energy is what allowed me to find this website and, more importantly, allow your words to have a positive effect on me.

    I never thought that the addiction to work I had previously experienced (and worked hard to diminish in therapy), or the inability to follow the diet prescribed by my physician in order to control pcos could be so intimately related to what happened between me and the narcissist I fell in love with, or to all the other physical, sexual and emotional abuse I endured in life. Now I see.

    I’m 31 now, and even though I feel my life could have been much different if I had initiated this journey earlier in life, I believe I’m lucky to have started it still young, with a whole lot of life still in front of me, and I look forward to all the happiness I will be able to experience once I achieve full liberation and freedom.

    Thank you.

    1. Hi Carol,

      It is lovely that you have found your way here!

      It is important to know that with NPD there is an ability to feign responsibility – but the real life action which goes out the window later states the exact opposite.

      The truth is behaviour never changes unless the beliefs that manifest the behaviour are addressed.

      If the behaviour is extreme, extreme unhealed wounds erupted to create that behaviour. If those wounds are never directly addressed and healed the behaviour will erupt again regardless of any show of ‘remorse’.

      It is great your focus is on you. Yes, it is very true that Law of Attraction is co-creating your experience here, and you are on a similiar frequency to absorb this information.

      This is great that you now see the correlations. I agree that this is wonderful that you have the ability to get aligned at 31!

      The truth is really we are eternal energy and any age in the moment of now is wonderful to become aware.

      Mel xo

  29. Wow! This is JUST what I needed to read! I had created a small womens FB group called “Sit, still and feel”…essentially working in this direction. I had quit my last vice, sugar. I could no longer compulsively eat, was single and started feeling my feelings. I wasn’t working and had quit drinking years ago.

    Then I met my narc/bpd guy. I quickly because obsessed with him. 6 months he was here. It’s getting close to 6 months since I kicked him out. And I have been at some all time lows. Got a bag of candy assortment on my bed and eat until I pass out. I want NO man in my life. I feel I am so unstable I will never again even try to be with anyone.

    I have all your quantum healing mp3’s. I started them but lost interest. After reading this, I want to get back into doing the release work. I also want to get back into doing the 12 step of recovery as outlined in a Big Book of AA.

    I am sick of being so sick and tired. I have been on the brink of suicide. I can’t live this way. It’s time to refocus on me. I must “sit still and feel”.

    Thank you.

    1. Hi Angel,

      THis is lovely that you created a Group. So often the best teachers are the ones who teach what they most need to learn…absolutely!

      This is great that you now understand the importance of working those MP3 healings and deeply committing to yourself and them.

      Now is your time to really heal…

      Mel xo

  30. Jane’s post was like reading my own story as well. Haven’t actually filed for divorce yet but it is about to happen and we have a child together so I will have to deal with my Narc pretty much for the rest of my life and I don’t know how I’m going to handle this because I still care about and love him and find myself still hanging on to the dream of having one happy nuclear family, but ive been stripped to my core. I have completely lost my true authentic self, I feel as if I am in a dark cave. Please help.

    1. Hi Tasha,

      Ok from your post – there is lots there to heal…and only one place to go which is ‘up’…

      But this takes the first step…my only suggestion to you is NARP…because it is the direct path to get better and I know it works.

      Hugs

      Mel xo

  31. HI Mel,

    Thank-you always for your insight, articles and help to understand what has happened and what I need to do to move forwardThe scary thing I have been confronted with is that I recognize that for a long time in my life I have looked outside of myself for anything… Wanting to become like others, liking what others like, always needing the acceptances.
    I remember as a kid liking and wanting what I wanted and liked. I thinking that I was shut down a lot and then I lost myself. What scares me is I sometimes think, am I the Narcissist? Then I become terrified and start crying… I remember being very empathetic as a child, I could “feel” for others to the point of being so sensitive. But as I look back over the years it seems that it has all been lost. After my N discarded me I had a serious breakdown and since then have been recognizing so many things.
    And I get scared to find myself again, I don’t know how to move forward, I m just getting thru each day. I know I need to embrace my life but for some reason I just can’t do it. I sabotage myself every time.
    This article has created a lot of questions of what exactly I am shoving down and avoiding.
    Thanks for reading,
    Kathy

    1. Hi Kathy,

      don’t be scared – because most people have…in fact it is a human condition, simply because we are not taught the value of connecting to our inner being, and truly people in life would not have wanted us to know – because then we may not have been doing what they were making us do for their benefit!

      Ok re you being the narcissist – this is what I wrote on a post above – but I will repeat it here because it is SO important to understand…..

      “I am glad you brought up the point of comparing yourself to a narcissist. This is what I want everyone to understand – that the inner anxiety of not being connected to our inner being is Universal – it is a human condition for most people to varying degrees – co-dependents, narcissists and any version of human being on the scale in between.

      In NO way does the anxiety and inner emptiness make you a narcissist…what would make you a narcissist is IF you tried to fill your inner void in ways that had no reverence for the damage it caused to others. Meaning to ‘get your own way’ and to ease your feelings of unworthiness driven from your ego – you purposefully mined people, lied to them, used them or created fabrications despite the damage they may cause to others in your need to secure an agenda.

      THAT makes you a narcissist.

      THAT is only possible from people who have a False Self that has taken over and is in charge of their life.

      THAT is NOT you.”

      My greatest suggestion Kathy is – know that all of this can turn around…and that you deserve to heal it…we all do..

      It’s what you are meant to do – go inward to you and claim and align with Who You Really Are.

      Mel xo

  32. Love it!! I needed a “slap between the eyes”! You always have a wonderful and expressive way to “get to us” and make us realize what we need to do!!! I so appreciate your words…you are helping all of us heal and you may never know what a saviour you have been to so many people! I bless you and all others out there suffering from this!!

  33. I am realizing that actually both my parents were addicts: my mom a severe codependent rescuing others and never ever present in her own life. My dad such a serious workaholic who `must provide well for his family’ to the point where there was no father ever present in the home Mondays to Fridays. I was a substance abuser.

    In all cases we were deeply disconnected from ourselves. Both parents denied themselves any personal joy. I have always identified more with drama and suffering than joy itself.

    Deep anxiety and fear was very present in our home. I see the inner emptiness in all three of us. I totally see how the Narcissisist was a perfect match for not only me but both my parents as well and why still today they are harassed by him. The match is still going on.

    1. Hi Rozanne,

      yes it truly is amazing when we do connect the dots, and we can clearly see what has caused resistance to wellbeing in ours and other people’s lives.

      Thank you for your share.

      Mel xo

  34. OMG ~ this article has blown me away on so many levels, I can’t believe it and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get across all that it has given me so I’ll start with the most important thing this article has given me today which is the absolute proof that the universe is absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, loving me, caring for me and looking after me in a way that no other living person could ~ of course this is exactly what I am doing for myself and the universe is reflecting that back at me which I find incredible because no other person could do that. I could sit for hours on end and tell somebody about my story, why I am living where I am, why I am doing what I’m doing etc etc but they still wouldn’t get it 100%, you would get it Mel and so would others who have gone through the process of narcissistic abuse and then recovery but you would only be ‘getting it’ from what I am telling you where as the universe is reflecting back at me from my inner most vibrations, my absolute truth ~ we all know that words and actions can lie, we can put on a smile when inside we are dying, we can use positive words when inside we are loathing but we cannot hide from our true inner self and that is what, I believe, the universe reflects back at us and continues to give us more of the same and since I found you Mel my life goes from strength to strength (p.s. actually you could probably tell from what I am saying and from my vibration that what I say is the truth).

    I can relate to everything you said in this article and it answered some unanswered puzzling questions for me also such as why, was the ex narc obsessed with me having a sponsor (NA/AA) or somebody that I would be accountable to ~ I used to say that I was more accountable to me than I ever would be to anybody else but he would not even listen to me saying that, he was completely obsessed to the point where you could see it was visibly driving him crazy that I should have somebody to whom I would be accountable to ~ well, your article clearly explains why he was so obsessed with that, because he could not ever be accountable to himself, it was just not a possibility and also, particularly when he referred to himself as a father, he would speak about himself in the third person, he did this often until I asked him about it so many times that he just about stopped doing it. Again, I can see now why he did that, because he could not relate to the person he was or who he was showing himself to be. There is so much more as well that I got out of this article and I am going to spend the next few days mulling it over, if I were to write about it all now, I would be writing for the rest of the day and what I need to do today is get outside and get some much needed fresh air, I am skipping my yoga class to get out, by the sea and just walk and be with nature but before I went out I just had to reply to your article that I just listened to and say a massive, massive big thank you to you Mel, you are amazing, you are fabulous, I love you and I will never be able to thank you enough for what you are doing for me and countless others, oh, and one last thing, I also stopped smoking after more than 30 years of smoking after I left the narc and I still tell people how it is like a miracle happened because even though I have stopped smoking at times in the past this time it’s different and its like I’ve never even actually smoked, even days after I stopped it was liked I had never smoked before, along with my addiction to drugs and alcohol! So I agree 100% with what you say about addiction and that is talking from experience. Thank you Mel, you are truly amazing and helping to change the world to a better place through helping people like me, get to a better place of peace in their lives. much love xxx

    1. Hi Karen,

      I certainly can tell from what you are writing that you have connected to yourself, and what you are saying is authentic.

      It truly is so real that once we meet and partner ourself that the anxieties the addictions by their own weight drop away – that is the true phenomenon.

      This is wonderful that the article has answered questions for you – and you are enjoying the knowing and connection to your True Self.

      You are so very welcome Karen 🙂

      Mel xo

  35. Hi Mel and hello to all you other ‘sufferers’,

    Well this article really cuts to the core of who we are and where we need to go, now doesn’t it?

    Right on Mel.

    Living six months of no contact and having spent the majority of that time alone reflecting inward on a daily basis is fermenting real changes for me on an inner level…put another way I have been able to turn the light around and I am absorbing the energy for a change. Just for me.
    Kindness for me, healing me internally.

    Of course I am an addict 20 years in recovery or should I say partial recovery because I replaced drugs with narcs partners.

    Well no more. I am actually attracting and recognizing the attraction to healthy people and what a beautiful feeling to feel that attraction. A different kind of stickyness when you recognize the light in their eyes.

    It’s Spring here in the States and feelings of hope and happiness abound.

    No need for my controling things Mel, things just are and I just am in love with all of it. There really are powers greater than myself. Just turn the light around.

    Thanks for your work, it truely is special.

    Sending some light your way Mel and to all!!

    From that place beyond fear.

    bill

    1. Hi Bill,

      Thank you for your post. I would really love it if we could all drop the term ‘sufferers’…because the truth is no-one or no-thing is responsible for our emotional relationship with ourself – we all totally have that power within us to get that right!

      This is what this journey is all about – no longer handing that power over and assigning ‘others’ as the source of our emotional wellbeing or lack of it (which is the creative ‘engine’ of all of our realities)…that is exactly what got us into the pickle in the first place!

      This is wonderful that you are coming home to yourself Bill, and please know this wellbeing you speak of is not ‘something greater than yourself’ it is in fact the greater part of YOU which always was present and avaliable for you to connect to.

      This is the part of you that is Source, that sees you, adores you and fully accepts and approves of you unconditionally – and it is separation from that part of you that caused the separation from yourself and all the pain, obsessions and attractions of ‘more of that’.

      You are very welcome and keep shining that glorious light of YOU Bill.

      Mel xo

  36. Hi Melanie thank u for this article. My self avoiding has shown up thru food/anorexia addiction to chocolate as well as obsessive third & compulsive ‘doing’. Mostly I go to anything that will support my recovery. One thing I am proud of is that 4 months ago, before I had found your program, when my husband first dropped me & I thot the pain was going to kill me, I promised myself that I would ‘feel’ it as fully & open-heartledly as I possibly could handle. My cries were primal and felt more intense than childbirth, which I knew was what was going on, only this time, it was my heart that was breaking open and I was birthing myself. I am so grateful to have found your quanta freedom healing so that this energy is deeply & effectively cleared and healed. And the love & respect I have for that precious woman who courageously survived those horrific months is enopus. Even tho I am still struggling daily with the peptide addiction as well as other self avoidance, I have built a strong foundation and I am proud of that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for speaking and sharing the truth that resonates so completely with my core truth and brings light to the cloudy confusion of narcissistic abuse. I feel so much closer to home already:)

    1. Hi Stephanie,

      you are very welcome.

      This is so wonderful that you have been working NARP and going deeply within in order to heal.

      I can so relate to primal cries…and yes they are akin to childbirthing when we fully embrace the pain and the negative programming and shift it out – oh but isn’t it so glorious that when we break open and let all that out – how incredible it is to have that clean glorious space to fully allow wellbeing and love for ourself and life in!

      It changes everything – and is exactly the freedom we are here to experience. I am so happy for you that you are claiming that freedom.

      How beautiful that you love and adore every part of you and your journey 🙂 This resonates clearly in your words.

      Keep going, and know that you can pick up the pain when the addiction hits, go deeply in to it and really let those beliefs go – and then even more space and freedom will fill you.

      Don’t fear the pain – use it as the bridge to transform.

      Mel xo

  37. i’m having a meltdown tonite….i was at work and an old friend came in the office…he started telling me that he had spoken to my x….it opened me up again….ugh….he said he didn’t even recognize him anymore, that he is a total playboy….that he is not the man he thought he knew….I am curious how it is that I attracted that conversation tonite, as well, he found out my address and mailed me something this week….it is showing me where I am at and the work I still need to do. Man, the pain is piercing. I am so sad and angry….a mix of missing my family, hatred, and feeling like a victim. I have more knowledge now, and will do some narp tonite while the pain is so acute. Maybe I attracted this tonite because I am ready to take the healing to a new level.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      yes absolutely this is the Universe showing that still carry in your vibration something big you need to heal…hence why it triggered you and hurt so much.

      This is exactly the time to take this to NARP and go right into it and shift it…absolutely..

      And know the more something hurts the greater breakthrough is waiting on the other side, when you shift and work with this from the inner.

      The most important thing is that you don’t take it into your mind and try to deal with it logically – because that is when EVERYTHING goes pair shaped…totally…

      Resist the temptation to ‘think on it’, and shelve it until you get it to a healing module – then you will see the releif and empowerment of coming back home to you on this topic, and even greater personal power when you do.

      Mel xo

  38. Melanie,

    I just finished reading your article. I cannot tell you how enlightening your articles are for me. Currently, I have been separated from my narc husband for a month. It is a daily struggle for me. My heart yearns for him, my head tells me to open my eyes and see what he is truly about – himself. He has just had me arrested for the third time, this time most likely ruining a career that I have worked very hard towards. Until I read this article, I wondered how in the world I could have attracted someone so ruthless. I have been going to therapy and have also been encouraged to seek counseling for abused women. My counselor told me that she sees co-dependancy issues. To tell you the truth, I didn’t believe it until I read your article. My childhood really is a factor. Could you recommend any books to help me to understand this “attraction” or anything to help me along my journey? I would most appreciate it. Thank you for posts. It has helped me tremendously. Without these, I don’t think I would have ever understood the severity of his personality. I now realize that I MUST break free. Thank you.

    1. Hi Michele,

      It is so normal to still feel the pain, the hooks and feel the loss…absolutely – no matter how horrific it was. These are all the symptoms of narcissistic abuse Michele.

      The real inner work that produces the most powerful results is NARP – far and away – because it has the QF Healing MP3s which do the real, deep inner work.

      That is my highest and most powerful suggestion. You will see the link to the right (up the top) of the blog.

      You are welcome, and know the support is here in this community with NARP (and you can contact me personally on NARP) and also within the facebook support Group which NARP members can be in.

      You will get through this – hugs…

      Mel xo

  39. Hi Melanie, thx once again for an enlightening blog. The last time I wrote on here you wished for me to do more than just read all your blogs and Persue real healing which attracted me to get horrifically burned by an alluring person etc. Melanie could you please advise me which journey to take (course) to put all this to rest once and for all. Kind Regards Mark

  40. Hi Mark,

    you are welcome…

    I am sorry you had that experience, but everything in our life is pointing us to where we need to go – even if it seems the exact opposite at the time.

    Ok if you are still struggling with narc abuse symptoms absolutely NARP is the first step.

    Mel xo

  41. I love reading these! I am recently separated from my narc and we share custody. Its tricky and when I find myself in a spin, I always re read these and remind myself that I am the only one who deserves my energy (aside from my children, naturally). THANK YOU!!!!

  42. Hi, Melanie! I really have benefited from your 10 steps and newsletters. Thank you. I wonder if you’ve ever addressed ill health as a result of being Co Dependent and in narcissistic relationships and subsequent abuse for an entire life. I’m 52 years old. I could use some insight into this, as I really need to heal to heal my health or heal my health in order to really blossom. I want to embrace freedom, liberation and truth. I’m getting there but I have severe Chronic Migraines, daily headaches, Fibromyalgia, fatigue, low stamina and other smaller issues. I remember in 2003, telling my son and his step father that I knew something was wrong with me; that I was breaking down. I was scared as I felt my body finally giving out from years of abuse and struggles to become one with myself. My mother abused me phyically and mentally as well as my first husband. I recently got into a narcissistic relationship with a friend. I got out of it just recently and am doing fine with no contact and don’t feel remorse and responsibility for this person. Yet here I am struggling to regain my health. I believe that there is a connection between the way I’ve lived my life and my much changed health. Any thoughts???

  43. Hi Dee,

    absolutely my system is ALWAYS about healing ill health – emotional and physical – because the two are ALWAYS deeply connected.

    Dee are you working with NARP? That is your solution – because when you do the deep inner emotional re-programming your body will come back to well-being.

    Well-being is your body’s natural state.

    All dis-ease is created from defunct and unhealed inner emotional programming.

    Did you listen to Galeets’ story about her health? It is common for everyone on NARP as a result of doing the deep inner healing work on their subconscious (which is what QFH Modules in NARP provide) to have their physical symptoms dissolve and heal.

    I hope this makes sense – because that is always the answer to physical conditions.

    Mel xo

  44. Am going through intense suffering and inability to function (get out of the house, find employment by necessity). Was/am so addicted to this person. My life was too centered on him. The “split” is very fresh. A few weeks back he committed an act of domestic violence against me- following isolated incidents of calling me a selfish bitch and cunt while drinking. A mandatory restraining order went into affect against him and I have left it in place. I am trying to force myself into No Contact. But my depression is so deep as I attempt to do this. The “ending” came “unexpectedly” with no time to for me to process it. Albeit he used “leaving me” as a constant threat.
    My story would just repeat others I’ve read here. But in a nutshell, he was indigent. I allowed him to move in. He started taking over areas of the house and not allowing me to use my own space. He became alternately withholding (i.e. I have 5 minutes for you- then he would sit around the house doing nothing all day) and then suddenly caring and giving. He was secretive. He was extremely handsome and a people magnet, but said he hated people. He flirted (and more) shamelessly with other women in front of me, but I was his only friend. He relied on me for housing and many necessities. We had endless battles over him paying me a pitifully small amount of “rent”- which he would randomly withhold. He would then say I owed him money for assorted undiscussed items. And so forth…. You know the story. Sadly, I once ran an (abuse) victims support group and was highly functioning. Right now I am a mess: feeling shame, stupidity, and mostly shock and disbelief. And the feeling of “addiction…” Experiencing what I did, knowing what I know, I still miss him unbearably and am in deep depression. But knowing on an intellectual level does not help the emotions. He is getting court-ordered help and support, but I don’t have that support. I don’t even know how to start healing when just getting out of bed is an effort. SOS.

  45. Hi Mel,
    Thanks for the article and to everyone who adds their own thoughts and experiences. I have a query. When I am feeling melancholy or upset about narc experience is distracting myself with a positive experience (like going for a walk, or swim in the ocean, or having a massage) self avoiding? This morning, I felt that empty void but chose to do things that moved me from feeling this way. Probably just want to clarify whether I am on the right track. I blessed and accepted the feeling but then worked to move past it and get on with my life in a positive way.
    Thanks always for your great work.

    1. Hi Kally,

      This is a very good query. Those actions that you are taking are wonderful – because they are self-affirming..and self-nurturing.

      Very different to over-eating, smoking, drinking or creating sexual partners etc…

      However, if you find that the same thoughts keep ‘coming’ even though you are doing wonderful self-care and these thoughts are stuck in repeat then it is time to dig into these and transform those inner beliefs – it just makes being free, released and moving forward so much easier.

      Mel xo

  46. Hi Mel,
    Wow! Two narc boyfriends in a row. And, I always thought it was them. I could only feel good about myself when they said something nice to me or complimented me. If they didn’t, then I went into a total self-loathing telling myself that I am unworthy and not lovable. I need to move beyond this. The painful, devastating relationships are too much to take any more. And, I can see from what you have written that I have a totally addictive personality….drinking, cigarettes, food, getting men’s attention….it seems like I always need a “fix” to feel good about myself. I am tired of needing the “fixes.” How do I stop this never-ending cycle of abuse toward myself?
    Thank you!

    1. Hi Barbara,

      This is great that you are seeing the connection, and relaise that nothing on the outside is going to change until you can change…

      How you stop the cycle is by going within in order to heal, and being really determined about that…Have you looked at NARP yet?

      Mel xo

  47. Wow … Little overwhelmed right now… All of this has been my whole life…..I haven’t been able to recover .. I left my wife 7 years ago… I was dying…I use these self avoiding things all the time… I’ve realized alot of the stuff you speak of thruout my relationship but have never been able to recover… She recently left her new husband and tried to get me back saying she changed … But was all same .. She said I had no choice that we were connected… Now I know why and what that means….I play online poker and had someone friend me and I talked to on phone and was same type of attraction… So I guess that vibration even goes thru the airwaves 🙂 … I’ve read alot tonight thank you so much… I need all this.. I can’t do my life this way anymore 🙁

    1. Hi Jeff,

      Truly, as hard as it feels right now it is WONDERFUL that you have decided you just CAN’T do you rlife like this anymore…

      It is when we hit that point – that it can change…

      The best thing you could do for you is decide to stop the self-avoiding tactics and channel your energy into healing the deep inner pain instead. Hence truly facing you – so that you can genuinely recover and create a real and great life from the inside out.

      NARP is the way to do that.

      Mel xo

  48. “Truly there is not greater model of self-avoidance and addiction than a narcissist – and this is a powerful ‘match’ with what you may have had going on.” I used to wonder how I could possibly be a match for a narcissist. This one sentence nailed it. In my feelings of low self worth and disconnection to self, I self-avoided through love relationships. When this “perfect” man came along, I jumped in with bells on and excused or explained away every red flag. My own self avoidance and unwillingness to see anything other than the dream I wanted to see led me to believe his false self as I became addicted to the whole relationship, insisting it be as I had thought it was in the beginning. I will never again ignore the evidence and be unwilling to feel my feelings, even if they be painful. They are necessary to know the truth. Thanks for the insightful article, Melanie!

    1. After reading your post, I thought- she’s right, I drove into the relationship because I needed to feel loved. I wanted that perfect man, perfect family and ignored my gut all those years that told me something wasn’t right. Now I live by the following:
      The more a person talks about himself: how great he is, how big of a heart he has, how great he is at communicating, how easy he makes friends, how great……. The more I question- who is he trying to convince!!!

  49. Over the last 8 months my eyes have been opened to the reality of the person I had been married to for 16 years. I say the best thing he ever did for me was to stop hiding who he really is. My friends say that it isn’t that he stop hiding it, but that I stopped being blind to it and finally saw it for what it was. It took way to long and my body shutting down from the inside out! I have become quite aware of what has happened and what I have endured. we have been going through parental evaluations and when the psychologist asks me if I have read about narcissism, I don’t feel so crazy anymore. His treatment is out in the open more and friends are finally seeing him for who he really is as well. So like I said I know what I have been through, I know where I want to be emotionally, the question is HOW DO I GET THERE? How do I really take a look at myself and figure out how I attracted this- I do not want to do this again.

  50. Hi Denise,

    It is so good that you are now able to see things more clearly and what is taking place.

    In regard to your inner healing and self-discovery the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Progam takes you on that deep inner healing journey.

    Have you read the Thriver Stories and read what these ladies discovered?

    Mel xo

  51. Hi Melanie. Would you tell me how long it was between your last narcissistic relationship and the time you you were ready for the healthy, whole relationship you have now? In other words, how long did it take you to heal and then work to move beyond codependence. I am a 64 year old male who has been healing for a year from what I would refer to as a subtle but powerful narcissistic relationship. The three year relationship ended overnight with little processing and I was accused of having low self esteem and of extreme giving! I now recognize the issue I’ve had all these years is a major codependent personality and I am clearly aware and focused on creating self assurance, self worth and self love. It isn’t easy but it’s the only way forward.

    1. Hi David,

      the truth of the matter is I had more to go…I was narced again…this time by an altrustic narcissist which did throw me for a while. Fortunately I worked it out and have been able to assist the community in much more profound and indepth realisations this year – as a result of that experience.

      I am single and have worked harder at what still needed to be healed…and for all of us (as individuals) that can be varying amounts..We are all individual beings with different DNA, different upbringings and different amounts of pain / fear bodies that require healing.

      Yes David the only way is forward – and to be whole and complete firstly within ourself and take that with us into life and a future relationship.

      After a great deal of extra work on me I am loving this stage now…and feel very confident re the ‘right person’ appearing in my future life – as a match for who I am becoming myself..

      It is never too late to really clean up our wounds and heal (and really no other option)…there are many people in the community who have moved on to great relationships, after doing the inner work.

      Have you got NARP?

      Mel xo

  52. The wounds that must be heal before everlasting eternity,I read you loud and clear.—-The match.The words;you,the word eternity don’t match.Blank,full in your name for the match.————Henry B.Clemons,Jr/thewind

  53. To Melanie Tonic Evans, the writer of the subject here in.How an addictive nature makes you a match for time sharing-of the heart,of the mind.The heart do have a future for matching history. Henry B.Clemons,Jr. @73.—2/134/2014

  54. Wouldn’t it be easier to kill oneself than to have to do soooo much work. I mean we should be recovered just by recovering. Can’t self-avoiding co dependants just all hide out on a secluded island. Or built a home/residential unit for us mis-fits. Then we don’t have to bother other healthy people.

    1. Hi Jasmin,

      I remember feeling exactly that – that it would just be easier to die..

      But it really depends what you believe in – and if you believe the soul is immortal – then even if you did kill yourself – the is still no avoiding self – you would still be stuck with the wounds.

      That’s why I decided death wasn’t an option – only healing was.

      We do go to secluded islands anyway – isolating from life and conjoining with other self-avoiders – namely narcissists.

      It’s not so much we are bothering others- it is that we are being ‘fed’ on…

      Your not a mis-fit – you are just separated from the Real You – and that is why it hurts..

      I promise you with all my heart it is so worth it to put in the effort to close the gap and come home to your True Self…and what else is there to do?

      Mel xo

  55. Hi, Melanie.

    Is it possible for a NARC to be one in relationship with me, and a codependent with another partner? My ex-boyfriend and I lasted only three months before I bailed. My ex-boyfriend and his former partner are still a couple in every way but name after knowing each other for ten years, and I saw with my own eyes how much my ex-NARC worships, idolises and remains hyper-focused on HIS ex and his ex’s every need. It’s remarkable to watch and also quite saddening for me. Thank you.

  56. Hey Mel have you every done a vlog on this subject? I’ve read the article, it strikes so many chords with me I just can’t stop thinking about it. I’m more of an auditory learner..

    As always blessings to you, you’re definitely a light worker and making the world a better place

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *