I understand. You don’t need to explain to anyone.
Be Free! Each day away feels better and better.

The experiences with my narcissist daughter have been so covert that if they were mentioned to anyone they would sound petty. She favors her Dad and pays lots of attention to him and not me. When he became sick for two months she was calling, inquiring and attentive about his condition. When I have been sick she may call as though it were out of obligation but not come and see me. She lived just 30 minutes away when I had surgery but never once came. When she called for two minutes to be able to say she checked up on me there were not kind words or loving talk, it was “just calling to see how you are.” It made me feel as though she wanted to be able to tell others she didn’t ignore my surgery. When Mothers day rolls around she only signs the card or she and her husband but not the children. When father’s day comes the entire family sign the card. Whenever she calls which is about once every four months, she acts disinterested in anything I have to say and uses grunting sounds of disapproval as though I did something wrong in telling her things. She withholds information only speaking exaggerations about her life. Just recently she told me her grown children called her several times a day to ask advice. I thought that was odd because they have jobs and live 3000 miles from her. She has never called me to ask advice and even when I offer it she acts irritated that I did. The covert means she uses to make me feel stupid or small are never ending. In every visit there is something like this that happens. She pays all the attention to my husband even asking him to see something she is doing but not inviting me. I have been the one who was interested for years, but it has always been her dad she preferred. I was the parent who made the rules and enforced them, her father never said no to her ever. To this day he has a blind spot toward her that cannot be cleared up. I have given up attempting to be a part of their lives. When she invites her Dad to see something I remain back and let them go. These tactics are so constant and mean spirited that I see no reason to have much contact with her. My challenge is not acting hurt when she is around. I am more able now to be myself without feelings of having to please her.

Hi Hoy,

I am so pleased my work has been able to grant you clarity and hope.

Wishing you your truth, freedom and every success for the future.

Mel 🙏💕❤️

Thank you for sharing ‘thia Morrigan 🙂 ‘I am the only loving parent my inner child needs, and my love for her is unconditional’. Yes yes yes! I love this and am also feeling and knowing the solid truth and joy and liberation of this more and more xx Here’s to you and your jeep!! And to self-compassion, inner listening and love and kindness. Happy Christmas wishes 🙂

As one example, I remember the year I asked for a toy army jeep. They had very strict rules about traditional gender roles and what was or was not appropriate for girls vs. boys. So straight away, my mom corrected me and said “What you mean to say is that you want a Barbie car.” I said “No mamn, I said what I meant and meant what I said.” Completely ignoring me, she went on to say “Maybe a pretty pink one? A nice pink barbie car?” I dared to say “I don’t like pink.” (Which may have been the hundreth time i’d mentioned that, but decades later my mom was still convinced that pink was my favorite color.) Christmas morning came, and at least it wasn’t pink, and it was even a jeep, but a red one, not army green (my favorite color). I pretended to like it, didn’t want to be rude, but then they launched into a lecture about how i could only use it as a barbie car, followed by an entire rampage over proper gender roles, etc, and the only condition under which i could own a toy car was if I were using it for my dolls. Who uses Christmas as an excuse to harp on a child and make it known that they are not acceptable until/unless they conform to their very particular expectations, until she feels so inferior and unworthy that she wants to crawl into a hole? A narcissist, that’s who.

Decades later, that memory was still haunting me, and I kept trying to talk myself out of feeling bad about it, because in my mind I was only proving them right about what an ungrateful brat I was, if all this time later I am still feeling sorry for myself because I got a red jeep instead of an army green one, when some children have nothing at all. But I realized it was not about it being the wrong color, that was the least of it. It was about a child deserving to be treated with unconditional love and acceptance, and to be allowed to become their authentic self rather than having it dictated to them as to who they should be. And it also occured to me that I have long since been an adult, head of my own household, and I get to make the rules about what is OK or not OK. And the saying occured to me “It is never too late to have a healthy and happy childhood.” So I went online and found a vintage army jeep, like the one I had requested as a child, and I told my inner child “You’re going to have your wish, because you are a good girl, and it doesn’t come with any rules or expectations, just a small gesture to let you know you are loved and appreciated just as you are!” That jeep still sits on my shelf, and when it catches my eye I am empowered to remember that I don’t need the approval or even love from toxic parents, because I am the only loving parent my inner child needs, and my love for her is unconditional. I can let those painful memories go when I replace them with healthy memories of my own making. That’s not to say it doesn’t still hurt sometimes, but it does become bearable. It gets better 🙂 Happy Holidays! 🙂

Hi Jules,

this may help: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/

Sending love, blessings and healing to you and your children.

Mel xo

After the dust of the holidays had hardly settled, I got a text from the enabler (my dad) saying “maybe next Christmas you can do better for your parents for everything they do for you than a lousy box of Whitman’s chocolates. Couldn’t even get us Fannie Mae!” Ah, holiday bliss with your crazy martyr narcs mother and your sackless father. *sigh*