This Week on the Empowered Love Radio Show I had the pleasure of listening to an amazing Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse story that I related to so much…
This woman Deanne was like me – she found her narcissist later in life after being through several other unsuccessful relationships.
I was in my 30s before I met my first narcissist and in my 40’s with my second one. Both of these narcissists powerfully showed up to me the gaps within myself of not being able to feel whole, safe and able to take care of myself emotionally, practically and financially. Rather than filling these gaps for me – they absolutely were the deliverers of my greatest fears.
So when Deanne said during the interview “I wanted my ex to take care of me make me feel whole so I didn’t have to…. I wasn’t looking for a partner, I was looking for relief.”
I had goosebumps!
If you met your narcissist later in life I know you will powerfully relate to this story!
In this interview Deanne shares just how far she has come in the last 10 months since starting the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
Deanne now no longer needs anyone to feel whole – she loves her own company and has the confidence to walk her own path…
You can read the transcript of the show below…
Please Deanna explain to us your story
I came to Melanie’s web site and Facebook page when a friend of mine suggested that my then husband could be a narcissist. I googled ‘Narcissism’ on line, as I had never heard the term before, and found myself on Melanie’s website. I read the definition of a narcissist and that was my first “wow” moment. SOMEONE knew my story.
I immediately joined the FB page and began reading the posts, along with the articles on the page. It all sounded so familiar and I was so relieved to find people that understood and had been where I had been. I literally felt that for the previous four years of my life I had been alternatively losing my mind, and being on the verge of my long lost quest for “happiness”. At this point it had been about two weeks since I told my ex that if he did not quit drinking, I would have to leave the marriage for good. He told me that I had no right to ask him to do that, which confirmed to me that I had no rights in the relationship. I took the rest of my things and left for good.
I had kept hearing about the program of NARP from the other members of the FB page, but I just didn’t feel like I needed it for sure. Even though the stories sounded so familiar, I still wasn’t sure or not whether he was a narc. He had convinced me that none of what had been happening was his fault and a big part of me felt selfish and cold because of the way I felt about him. I really did not like him….and I had married this man. I didn’t know how I could trust myself at this point I was so confused.
Like so many of us you knew that leaving meant ‘losing’ a lot of what you had invested emotionally, practically and financially…
We had a big gorgeous wedding, we had made promises to my children, and to his daughter….he was involved in my church now and we had just become members together there. I felt shame and embarrassment, guilt and remorse, and financially I had invested so much. It was just so hard to walk away from it all without looking back. Also, he was losing everything and a “good wife” would stand by her man, right? But the conflict and diminishment, stonewalling, drinking, forgetting things, blaming everyone else, grandiosity, the “holier than though attitude”….the list we all know. I was so hooked and I was so torn, but I knew that if I continued to live this way, I would literally die. It felt like my soul was yelling at me to just not give in to the madness.
When did you finally decide to do NARP?
It was finally one day, when I once again woke up to my first thought being about “him” and the “what could I have done different?” “Why did this happen.” “Maybe if I’d tried harder.” “Maybe I’m not meant to have a life-time partner.”….. all these things constantly haunted me. I was angry and not sure if I had the capacity to love anything or anyone again…I had times when it was hard to clear my throat from the feeling that I couldn’t speak. The anxiety of it all was something I just could not “muscle” through any more. Every morning I woke up to these racing thoughts, anxiety and exhaustion.
Something inside of me, however, said to just try NARP, it wouldn’t hurt to see what it was all about. This was about 3 months after I’d found Melanie’s site and I was a regular reader of the FB page. Based on everyone’s testimony of success, I finally let go of a little of my pride and ordered the program.
So back tracking a little here…Can you explain your journey before meeting the ex- narcissist?
When I met my ex, I was two years sober. Prior to that I had been in recovery in my early 20’s for five years. I also smoked cigarettes from age 15 until 45 and have had food and body image issues since about age 12. Never, though, did I think of the fact that I was also addicted to the drama and craziness of the narcissist life-style. I also believe now that my mom is a narcissist.
Then I met my ex. He was introduced through a friend, and I thought God had finally rewarded me for all the hard times in my life, by picking this man for me. The only “negative” that I felt that first night I met him was that perhaps he was a little too old for me. The N was seeing someone else at the time, who I later found out he broke up with the week after we met. He called over the weekend at my place of business, leaving a message, and then called again the day we opened, leaving two messages. I already liked this guy! I called him back and we set up an informal get together.
How did he present himself to you?
We met, talked for hours, and he seemed totally open and honest, forthright, even saying “ask me anything you want, I’m an open book”. He was impressed with the fact that I owned my own business and was a single parent, and loved the fact that I had my own life, interests and had done so much for myself. I asked him how long he had been divorced, how many kids, what he did for a living…..all the usual and he “passed” my list of okay’s to date. In fact he was better than okay. He had moved here from California, owned three homes, a boat, had his own business, had previously worked for a Fortune 500 company for 35+ years and worked his way up in that company. He had BIG plans and was attractive, attentive, dressed nice and drove a great car. Not once did he say anything negative about his ex-wife, or seem jaded at all with regard to relationship, which is something I rarely found when dating men my age. He asked me to go out again the next night and I said yes.
From there on it was a whirlwind for the next three months, and I had never felt so in love in all my life. I literally could not eat or sleep. I woke up each morning in a state of euphoria, literally, walking on air that I had met such a wonderful “real” man. Little by little I was opening up to him and telling him about me and he didn’t seem to be affected by it. I remember specifically, that after our second date I called my dad, and told him “I think I finally met a grown-up”….
When did the first red flag appear?
I had volunteered to help him around his “waterfront vacation” home by doing some light yard work as it was spring time. We went to the nursery and he picked out flowers to plant and then drove the hour to the home and started our work. Yard work is not one of my favorite things to do, but I figured it would be a nice gesture to help him hammer out some chores. Also it was our normal day together and I thought we could get the work done and they have some romantic time alone after the chores were done.
I put on my head phones to listen to some music and get to work. He then wanted to talk and seemed a little agitated but said nothing and just walked off. I got the hint and took the head phones off so that I could give him my undivided attention. He also told me a friend of ours had called and was going to meet us at the other house. He had told him that I would make them dinner after we got done doing the yard work. I was taken aback by the fact that he didn’t ask me first, but I dismissed it as being one of those “compromises” you make in relationships.
The day took a lot longer than I had bargained for and we started back home. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep in the car. When I woke we were almost home and I asked immediately if he had talked to our friend and what time he was coming for dinner, and if we were going to stop by the store. He seemed distracted and told me he hadn’t called him back because I had fallen asleep and it was no big deal. I was relieved and happy to be able to just hang out together and me not have to cook.
When we got back to the house, however, he proceeded to put things away silently, and then sat in front of the TV not talking at all. I remember feeling vaguely like something might have been wrong, but was not really sure and just figured that perhaps he was tired as well. I sat on his chair next to him to cuddle for a moment and he was faintly unresponsive, so I told him I was going to go home then. He said ok and I left, a little confused but not overly concerned since it had been a long day for both of us.
He had always called every day, sometimes twice a day or more, since the day we had met. The following day, no call, then the next, no call…..frustrated by the lack of communication for no reason, I phoned him. He was friendly but casual, acting like he was surprised almost that I had called. I remember thinking it was just weird. I told him I was confused that he hadn’t called me and he told me that he was just taking some time to think about the relationship and that the last time together I had “acted” like we had been married for years, as in….falling asleep on the way home, not wanting to talk during the yard work, and not making more of an effort to fix him and his friend dinner. He didn’t think it was “appropriate” behavior for someone who had been dating for such a short period of time.
I immediately went in to “fix it” mode and told him that rather than withhold conversation, didn’t he think it would be more effective to actually “talk” to me about his concerns? Not once did I tell him my feelings about the situation. I completely ignored the fact that my truth was not in alignment with his expectations of who he wanted me to be. I completely ignored my own concerns and asked him to please talk to me openly so that we could discuss these kinds of things if they happened. I was so distracted about his concerns with regard to me, that I really didn’t think to mention mine to him. I just thought it was a lack of communication on his part.
That’s when things started to really change, little by little, hint by hint. I began to see moodiness and this underlying negativity creep in around the edges of his personality. He drank more, and he would make subtle “suggestions” to me about my dress, my makeup, almost like put-downs, but not quite. I remember feeling confused and a little off kilter by some of the things that he would say. A lot of it was subversive enough that I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I felt so bad.
What other aspects of you and your life was he not happy about?
One of his biggest concerns after about three months of dating was the fact that I had children still living at home. This was one of my biggest struggles, because it always felt like a threat…like if I jumped through just another hoop, then the kid issue wouldn’t be that big of a deal and he would go back to loving me.
At one point, after a weekend together where he had drank way too much and became incredibly arrogant. I was in tears by the time we had dinner and he actually said he was sorry that perhaps he was being mean. He was drunk and it was all so confusing and crazy making. He told me that he really didn’t want anyone to get “hurt” and that he was hoping that that’s not what would happen, alluding to the fact that perhaps this was not going to work between us. That night I wrote him a letter, the first of many, ending the relationship. He was passed out on the bed and I sat there writing and rolling things around in my head trying to figure out how everything had started to go so wrong.
The next morning he woke up and saw that I had been writing and asked me if I had written him a “dear John” letter because of his bad behavior, and I said yes I had. I remember thinking that I just had to get through the weekend and then I could get on with my life and I would just make the best of a bad situation. He became his charming self again, and I chose to forget about his bad behavior.
After several more of these crazy-making times with this person, I finally decided I just could not keep up with his, come here and go away, behavior. I asked my dad for advice, and he told me to just let him know that he just simply was not the man I thought he was when I met him. The BEST advice I’d ever gotten and that conversation has run through my head so many times and it literally haunted me. That was the solution and it was SO simple. I immediately called him and told him just that and it felt so good. But, again he hooked me and told me that it was not fair for me to just end it like that and could we at least meet and talk it over. I remember he acted really shocked that I would just walk away so easily and I felt so liberated to feel like I could. In retrospect I think this was my first glimpse of the fact that I was not dealing with a real person. I agreed to meet and he told me he felt the relationship was too good to end and he was willing to make changes so we could learn how to “communicate” better. He said ALL the right things and madness of the cycle continued.
The ups and downs continued over the next several months. He called me one day and told me he just did not think he could deal with the fact that I had two children still living at home and even though he loved me, he just didn’t think we had a future together. I told him that was fine and I quickly got off the phone. I was devastated and angry, and confused but I did my best to just move on. It was so hard to let go completely though and after a couple of weeks I emailed him. He emailed me back and we agreed to meet for lunch to talk things through. He said he didn’t think I really understood our last conversation and felt I didn’t give him time to explain.
We met for lunch and I remember telling him that if I was not the woman for him, it was just that easy, I was not the woman for him. I didn’t say any more than that. This must have been a challenge or something for him, because he told me he was 99.9% sure that I was the woman for him. I was a bit taken back as I didn’t expect this reaction at all …..I didn’t say a word, but looked out the window. He went on to say, “no, not 99.9% sure, I am 150% sure you are the woman for me.” That was the hook for me, it was what I had been waiting for, I had my “prince charming back” and I said “yes” to his proposal of marriage.
What happened after you agreed to marry him?
We married a year and a half after we met, and he told me he would treat me like the queen I was. He wanted to plan a large wedding to invite all his family, a big production. It was both our third wedding, and I didn’t want this, but I gave in because it was so important to him. I agreed to pay for “my half” of the wedding, and he also asked that I buy a new car to pull his boat, and our vehicles would match. I agreed even though I had just paid off my car. My income was moderate, but he assured me that with his income I wouldn’t have to contribute to the household except for buying food and helping out with those household items. It sounded like a dream come true.
There were a few good months of planning the wedding and living on the love bubble again. But once again the grandiosity, judgment, scrutiny and picking me and his closest friends apart constantly. No one was as smart as him, etc. etc. He started with my children as well as soon as we all moved in together. He would not even allow them to have any personal items in their bed rooms and their rooms had to remain the way they were when he lived there alone. I wasn’t “allowed” to even have my own alarm clock on my bedside table.
His demands became totally insane to and I felt my children really just slipping away from me in a very short period of time. My son is high functioning autistic and my ex would pick at him and get so angry at him, demanding that I “speak to your kids”.
One evening I had come home from work and he was in bed with a glass of wine, and attacked me verbally about how I didn’t discipline my kids, that they were lazy and weren’t doing what they agreed to do in the home, that I allowed them to get away with everything and was inconsistent as a parent, etc. I was devastated and tried to talk to him and figure out what had happened, but he said he was not going to talk about it. He was done and he was not going to discuss it again.
I pretty much lost it and became so angry I hit him in the chest. I hadn’t felt that kind of rage since I was a kid. I remember thinking, after everything I have done, and tried to do, after putting up with your crap for all these months, now you are attacking me as a mother, and my children. I hated him with all that I was and I had married him, and put my children in his home.
How did he respond to you doing that?
He told me to leave, to get out of “his” house. I left for two days. I felt like such a failure and my children were devastated. It was drama and confusion and I just wanted everything to be ok, like it was “supposed” to be.
After this argument he then just had another “weapon” to use against me. From then on, anytime there would be a problem, he would accuse me of having anger issues and would say he couldn’t talk to me because he was afraid I would lose it again. He accused me of acting inappropriately many, many times. One time in 4 years I lost my temper and it was thrown in my face every time we had a disagreement. The crazy making, the discard, the hook….
Like many narcissists there were areas of his life and finances you did not know about. What were these?
When we married I also had no idea he was a daily drinker; that his health was not good; that he owed the IRS money; that he had taken out all the equity out of his homes so that he could buy his business and remodel them; that he had pulled his daughter out of college in her final year so she could “run” his business and not pay her final year of college because he had been fired from his long-standing job of 35 + years because of an inappropriate relationship with his secretary. The list goes on and on…. On our honeymoon, he announced to me that we needed to discuss our financial arrangements because he did not want to be “taken advantage of financially.”
Things deteriorated over the next few months and in just a little over a year I moved myself and my kids out of “his” home and back to my condo. His “house of cards” was beginning to crumble as his businesses weren’t producing what he had projected when he bought them and he was financially beginning to lose everything. I did not know the extent really, as he continued to spend as he had always done, lavishly shopping, dinners out and vacations etc.
What happened when you knew it was time to leave?
I was so afraid to tell him that I was moving out, I couldn’t stand to hear him confirm my worthlessness…….so I didn’t tell him. On the weekend before I was to move, he called me while on my way to work, and asked if I was moving as he had noticed something was missing of mine, and did some further investigation of the kids’ rooms (I had been slowly packing things up for 3 weeks). He told me he was disappointed and upset that I was “afraid” of him…. I remember thinking that I had to do this, otherwise I would lose my mind, my life and that if I stayed I would certainly get drunk….how do you live with someone, lie next to them every night, and not speak?
The loneliness and fear was so loud in my heart that I was crying every day. He wouldn’t talk to me, he looked at me in disgust most of the time, he didn’t want to be intimate any more, he was always “too stressed out with work.” He worked from home and wouldn’t allow any noise during the day, so my kids couldn’t be around with their friends. He expected me to financially contribute to the household, but demanded I attend social functions with him that took me away from my business. He would get angry and accuse me of caring more for my business and my kids than him. Any way I twisted myself up, I couldn’t make him happy. I was always always ALWAYS doing something wrong. I felt like I was in jail, we were all in jail….in less than a year I was living in a quiet angry hell.
This next part – the ‘hanging on’ is SO consistent of what can happen, and so torturous. Please describe what you did to try to hang on.
I continued to hang on to this relationship for two more years, even after I’d moved out of his home. This was my third marriage, and the “three strikes and you are out” rang in my ears like a bad movie. I so badly wanted this to work and I had no idea what I did to make this all fall apart. Even though I disliked this person, I felt like I could just not walk away. I was so embarrassed and felt so much shame. I remember always feeling like I just wanted to show him how much I loved him and then maybe he would be nice to me again.
Now I realised that this ‘hanging on’ was me repeating my childhood pain, and also what my mother had played out with her ‘hanging on’ with my father.
My parents married very young when my mom became pregnant with my older brother at age 16. The marriage was tumultuous at best and at various times during our childhood my dad moved out, they reconciled and broke up etc. My father had numerous affairs and was a binge drinker, leaving for a day and not returning for a week. He always felt far away but I loved him with all my heart. One night when my parents were out and left us with a sitter, I fell asleep watching TV on the couch. My dad picked me up to take me to bed and I woke up and I felt so safe there in his arms. It was like the first time I remember feeling warm, safe and loved. I tried so many times to get him to pick me up again after that, to the point that I would pretend to be asleep so he would come get me. It never happened again. I can still feel that feeling and how happy my heart was, how warm I felt. It still brings tears to my eyes, the little me, feeling so safe and loved in those few moments, and wanting desperately to feel that again.
My mother was suffering from the horrendous pain of her marriage and the betrayals she experienced with my father, and she was erratic and would lash out at me in strange ways that just didn’t make sense. I really always felt off-kilter with her. I didn’t know from one moment to the next if I would get a slap or a hug, a kind word, or a put down. I remember feeling like I had to make sure she was okay at a very early age. One time she slapped me so hard across the face she left that whole side of my face black and blue. I remember consoling her when she realized how badly she had hurt me. I learned how to sense what was going on in the room as soon when I walked in so I could protect myself. People scared me. Being outside felt real, playing in the woods with my brother and his friends. I felt safe there. These people were just crazy most of the time.
I felt like there was always a dirty fog hanging over our house after the age of about 10. My mom would tell me far too many intimate details about herself and my dad. Things that were really inappropriate for a young girl. My brother was hyperactive and took most of the heat off of me with his bad behavior. It made it easier for me to keep out of the line of fire. However, even though I did my best, trouble did find me enough to know that I had to be quiet…..as much as possible. Don’t speak, don’t feel and don’t ask questions. I became an angry, sullen, moody girl that really did not want to live in this crazy world where people were ugly. I don’t recall a lot of joy after my earlier years and I just wanted relief from the drama.
My parents divorced when I was 17 and my dad immediately married his secretary, the woman he had been having an affair with on my mother. My mom went a little bit crazy. She tried to commit suicide several times and drank a lot. I lost all respect for either one of them. I hated my dad because of what he had done to our family and I didn’t feel like I could trust my mom at all. I felt abandoned, betrayed and so very, very angry. My brother was lost in a fog of drugs and alcohol and ended up living on the streets, ten years later drowning in 10” of water while drunk.
Deanna, there had been incredible pain and dysfunction in your earlier years… When did you start being able to put the pieces together?
So many things have come to light for me through the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. How, my parents projected on to us their dysfunction and mistrust, false beliefs, both religiously and sexually, along with morally and in many areas of their lives. Relationships became something I craved almost physically because I felt unloved and unloveable. I had little to no self-esteem, but a lot of street smarts and I could “act” my way through a lot, always afraid however that I would be found out…..so I had to keep all those secrets because if anyone knew who I really was, no one would ever love me. Drinking was my way of keeping all those ugly feelings about myself at bay. I really believed that my thoughts were truth and real…..and they made me bad, dirty and unlovable. I thought that everyone else had this living thing all figured out, but I just didn’t know what the rules were. Everything felt personal to me.
Through NARP I was able to release these false beliefs and forgive myself. I had no idea that many of my thoughts and feelings were lies that I had heard many, many years ago and had repeated to myself over and over and over again. When I realized this and forgave myself I cried like I had never cried before. So much anger came up and out. It was a huge soul relief when I realized that none of it was REAL and that I was okay, and that I had no idea what I was doing to myself and that I could forgive myself for BELIEVING the lies and perpetuating them. This breakdown gave me the biggest breakthrough to realizing that I just simply had not known anything else. But now I did, and from here I could start to live my own truth. Finally I felt free. This was HUGE for me. I had uncovered the simple truth that I had been fed so many dysfunctions, pain and lies, and I had unwittingly believed the programs and kept them going.
My throat no longer aches from holding back my words and I can SENSE my body when it’s trying to tell me something. For the first time in my life I am not in a hurry to make decisions. I had no idea that peptide addiction even existed, nor anything about cellular levels and neuropathways, releasing of physical feelings and false beliefs. I had no idea that I had charge over my thoughts and beliefs and that I could love myself unconditionally, even the dark spaces that I thought only I had.
Because of NARP I have learned not to judge my story, and also to not believe that I AM my story. My soul was screaming at me to be seen, heard and loved….I wanted this person to make me feel complete and whole and take care of me, so that I did not have to. I was not looking for a partner. I was looking for relief.
No longer do I have to “wear” other people’s bad decisions, actions, projections, etc. I no longer feel alone. That’s not my reality. I have the power and soul confidence to walk on my own path. I’m currently on the fourth module of the Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course and this program is giving me an even clearer understanding of who I am and how to live confidently and authentically. I feel like I am coming back to “me” after being on a long journey, which was all for the purpose of getting me here so that I could have the opportunity to experience wholeness of spirit in this lifetime and perhaps touch the lives of others. I’ve seen the affect my recovery has had on my children, and it’s obvious that we are all now thriving in our lives.
These realizations have been incredible – and you truly have changed completely who you are now from who you were then…How long is it since you started NARP?
I started the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program last August (10 months ago). The changes happened very quickly – and for a while now things have just got better and better. What I speak over my life today is not what it used to be. Now it’s obvious to me that what I ask for I shall receive, that what I need will come and that the journey is a beautiful, beautiful thing. My life is simple, and clean on my best days, and when it gets cluttered and too busy, I clean.
I know that many people in the community have experienced a narcissist as a second or third major relationship. What would be your advice to these people who believe they may not ever get another chance at love?
I am so excited to become a complete and whole person to myself and this has brought a renewed sense of joy to my heart. I’m on this journey and I feel no sense of rushing, or needing someone else in my life to complete me any longer. I really enjoy my own company for the first time in my life.
I have been dating someone for a few months, and there is a strength I have now and I’m taking things slowly rather than rushing to “fill myself up”. In any relationship, or issue, when something bothers me, I really listen in to myself physically to find out where it is coming from. The tools I have now, the healing I have experienced, along with the support I feel from the universe is so different from what I’d experienced before. Its a knowing inside, a soul confidence….that in continuing to do this work, I have those friendships that brings more in to my life, be it male, female, romantic or otherwise. Rather than trying to “make” things happen, I’m learning to let them and be awake to my life, and its incredible.
I hope you enjoyed Deanne’s story as much as I did. If you are a new reader here on the blog, I share new stories with people in the community that are now thriving after narcissistic abuse every few weeks to give you inspiration and show you that it is certainly possible.
Please share any questions and comments about this show below and Deanne or myself will respond to them personally.
What an amazing story and an amazing lady,
I’m so glad I realized that my ex was a narc after
Only a few months ( thanks to Melanie) otherwise
I would have been in the same situation.
And it’s so true that you don’t need a man to
make you feel whole, you do have to be happy
within yourself and to be ok with or without a partner.
I too was looking for relief. Thanks
Thank you so much Joanne! Isn’t it awesome to be free to be yourself and actually like who you are!! It makes me laugh to think how wonderful it is. Blessings to you. Deanna
Oh my god…YOUR story could have easily been written by ME!! IT IS SO SIMILAR, it’s scary!! All the way down to ‘Him’ often telling me how ‘inappropriate’ I was…(and trust Me…I came from a very good, ‘classy’ family who taught me right from wrong~ and of course HE DIDN’T, but tries to ‘pretend’ like he did ~ and I HAVE NEVER BEEN ‘INAPPROPRAITE’!)…
I am in the middle of a divorce now that’s been going on for 3 1/2 years (and we have NO CHILDREN together)I came to the marriage with alot of money (inherited)~He had NONE…just debt that I didn’t know about) and of course I ‘shared’ with him, put money into his business, a new house, etc…. and NOW, he tries to act like I AM A GOLD DIGGER! I ran his office (He is a VERY POOR BUSINESSMAN) and now he also talks like I am some ‘DUMB BLONDE’ who didn’t do anything right in his office. His employees ALL HATED HIM, and I had to be the ‘buffer’ many times when he treated his employees so badly. I know had I not been there, the employees would have all walked out (One of the girls actually TOLD ME THAT!)..
Anyway…I am printing and saving your article…and RE-READING it right before I go to court in a month…just to REASSURE MYSELF that IT’S NOT ME…That HE IS THE ABUSIVE,CRAZY ONE…and hopefully, to give me the attitude I need in court to overcome his lies and deceit!
THANK-YOU SO MUCH for writing and sharing your story. I often wondered ‘why’ I DIDN’T SEE EARLIER what an abusive, destructive person he was…and WHY I WAS PUT THROUGH ALL OF THIS….and I realize now that I was ‘meant to’ go through this so that I can recognize and help others when they are involved with a ‘Narcissistic’ person. I also have to say, in some way I should be ‘grateful’ for what I went through…because HAD I NEVER KNOWN ‘BAD’, I WOULDN’T BE SO GRATEFUL OF ALL THE ‘GOOD’ IN MY LIFE…even the littlest things make me HAPPY NOW!! Ever since I left this horrible man, THE SUN SHINES BRIGHTER, THE SKY IS BLUER…EVERYTHING IS JUST SO MUCH BETTER…because I don’t have to EVER talk to this awful man again! And the best part of this is that I AM FINALLY GETTING BACK TO BEING WHO I REALLY AM ~ THE GOOD PERSON I USED TO BE BEFORE I MET THIS JERK ~ AND I AM VERY, VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT!!!
THANKS…AND WISH ME LUCK IN COURT!!!
Amazing ! What a story…..resonated on so many levels with me, I am moved to start this programme when the money to afford it shows up for me ! Thank you for all this brilliant brilliant work you do Mel, and I hope this incredible lady’s life continues to go from strength to strength as she so richly deserves Xx
Dear Peeks. This programme will revolutionise your life and it is not expensive. Melanie has made it possible for everyone to arrange to have access to it. I have realised since engaging in the programme and also seeking the help of a kinesiologist to heal all the unconscious patterns that enabled me to get into the relationship in the first place. I am amazed at all the old programming that has has to be removed and healed. You know, when you heal all these unconscious beliefs you will not recognise yourself and you will have an amazing life. I hope that you can find a way to access the NARP programme.
Peeks; thank you so much and I do recommend Melanie’s program as soon as you can possibly start. In the meantime, just know that you can continue to learn about co-dependency and how this really does come back to us try to fill up the holes that have come from different people, situations or places in our life. It is so awesome to have the resources now that weren’t available to me from the primary people in my life (they did the best the could with what they had at the time) and NOW I’m able to really begin to live life the way it is intended for me. Blessings to you and I’m so excited for you to begin the program. Deanna
Hi Peeks,
you are so very welcome, and you will certainly be granted the opportunity to become a Thriver as well with NARP – it does take healing to a quantum level.
Mel xo
Thank you Deanne for telling your story. I am going on 4 months of No Contact with my narcicist and I am working Melanie’s Narc recovery program. Your story is just the reminder that I needed because I am still vulnerable in many ways. Your story is 98% a mirror or my own. I walked away in his time of need. His partner who I helped him take care of was dying and my Narc has cancer so he was very needy. During the first part of my No Contact his partner died and I did not break No Contact so the guilt was/is enormous. I tried No Contact several times but this time is different and I know it’s because I have found Melanie’s recovery material. Thank You Melanie for everything. You are truly a gift.
Kim; congratulations on doing NC. Its truly the only way to begin to heal. It really is relief from the hook and peptide addiction, and the only way to our way “home” to us!!! Congrats and thank you. Deanna
You guys are so encouraging. I am planning my escape and have financial limitations with a job I adore. I am negotiating with them and looking for free lance work to supplement so I can get a room.
I am so glad to see what you said about being vulnerable and needing no contact. My N is still appealing to me when he is acting nice. I hate that but it is true. It doesn’t shake my resolve, though. I am done and seeing myself out of here.
I am beginning the recordings for recovery while I still live with him. Even though it is frustrating, I feel really happy about being sure it is time to go.
Thanks for your story Deanne and for your work, Mel….I look forward to spreading my wings.
Angel
Hi Kim,
That is lovely that Deanna’s story has helped inspire you.
At the four month mark it is normal to expect that there is still inner pain to shift – and it’s just really important for you to stay diligent – and know that if you feel emotional pain and start doing ‘analysis paralysis’ instead of using QFH to spiral out the pain – that it can easily suck you back in…
The Thrivers have this is common: they trained themselves to get out of ‘blender brain’ and work the inner shifts instead – because that is what opens up the path to freedom.
Keep going! You are doing great 🙂
You are very welcome Kim.
Mel xo
Deanne, thank you so much for sharing your story. As I read about what happened to you, I began to have flashbacks to similar aspects that existed in my previous relationship with a N that has now terminated and it is three months or more NC. As I read, I remembered and I am sure that I never want to feel like that ever again or feel as destroyed as I did. It really is about healing those aspects of ourselves and learning to be ‘The One’ we are looking for instead of hoping to find those qualities in a person outside ourselves. Then we are vulnerable to whatever they dish out because we do not have strong boundaries and do not listen to what is going on inside of us. I am so glad that you were able to realise what was going on and remove yourself and your children so that you could have a better life. Congratulations on being able to create a wonderful new life for yourself and your kids. Thank you for sharing your story and your triumph.
Thanks so much Suzanne. It was my pleasure to share my story and how much my life has changed in just a short period of time. Its so awesome to have actually “found” myself through this relationship at long last. I LOVE THAT!
Deanna
Deanne, Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was very sad, especially the part about your childhood, yearning for love that you just could not get. However, at the same time, it was very inspiring and empowering. Thank you.
Thank you so much Quinton! Deanna
wow! Thank you for sharing your story Deanne!!! “Not once did he say anything negative about his ex-wife, or seem jaded at all with regard to relationship, ” — I thought narcs by default maligned their ex, turns out that is not necessarily the case then.
Jennifer; It was much later when things started to get ugly around the “edges” that little things started to come out. So he did when he started to let his “guard” down so to speak. It was little things at first, but eventually he was quite ugly about her as well. By then I was completely hooked and tried to ignore the “little fires” he would start around everyone. Oh, so glad I can smell that now…..it takes time to get to know someone and I’m in no hurry. I live by the saying “I trust actions, not words.” So true. I always thought that was a harsh way to live, not anymore! Its freedom and I can live that way myself as well. THriving!!! Thanks, Deanna
Hi Jennifer,
Yes! It is very important to realise that there are narcs who don’t fit all the warning signs or even behaviours…however the end result of the atrocious ongoing narc behaviour with zero accounatbility IS the same.
Altruistic narcissists (as an example) have thrown a huge amount of the people in this community until they realised what was going on…
Mel xo
Deanna thank you for sharing your story it brought tears to my eyes because it is somewhat what i am going through now i am trying to get rid of things to move out and get away from this person and somedays i just feel like i am going to break but stories like your help me know that there is hope. I am in counseling and have been for three yrs and without it i would not have even come this far. I love melanies website and all the stories they are so helpful and they do including your deanna make us stronger
Denise, thanks for sharing and hold on to you my dear. Are you doing Melanie’s NARP program? This truly has changed the level of my recovery by leaps and bounds and I do so highly recommend it. The release from the hooks, and the self talk have been so instrumental in realizing what I was doing to myself….allowing to happen through other people as well. My best to you and YOU CAN LIVE fully and completely, If I can, anyone can. Deanna
Deanna, I am so glad you shared your story. I laughed out loud when I read the part of your story about meeting your N–not because it was amusing, but because it resonated with me. I was married to an N for 27 years. I felt the same way you did, like there was a cloud of doom hanging over our house. Our home was at the bottom of a slope on our street, with the community mailboxes at the top. I could see my house when I stopped to check mail everyday–and my heart would drop when I looked down that hill and saw his truck parked in the driveway. I’m ashamed to admit that several times I hung a U-turn and left because I just couldn’t stand to spend anytime with him. He too was moody, highly critical of me,our kids, our “friends”–no one was a smart as him, good-looking, capable–sound familiar? It’s funny how when he met you, how quickly he replaced the previous. After reading Melanie’s website and FB, I notice this is a continuing theme with the N. The laughter came because I was quickly replaced, and my kids tell me that his new tells them that he treats her “like the queen.” Jacka@# never once let me run my own home–even though I was his financial and educational equal. Always felt that he was a better wife AND mother than I was, and would continually spout off about it to me. I’m with Jennifer on this one because the things the new wife has said to me leaves no doubt that I have indeed been maligned and talked about negatively. I understand the “crazys” very well–lived it, bought the t-shirt. I am now convinced that he is also bi-polar and needs to be on medication. I know now that all Ns give their victims the bum-rush, and have to sweep them off their feet and secure their next N supply quickly before the shine wears off of them. They’ve already worn their previous supplier out, so they MUST act quickly. Believe me it takes about 2-4 years for the real them to make an appearance and then you need to watch out. I am SO glad your N didn’t have the chance to ruin you financially and I hope? you still have your business. I have been divorced for almost 5 years now. I have recovered my wealth, recently bought a new house, have a great job, great friends and I am HAPPY for the first time in 30 years.
Congrats Pat and thanks for sharing. I did get out with my business intact and my children are happy and healthy, and since my recovery we are doing even better than before we met this person! Its amazing the “gift” really of having gone through this for me and them as well As tough as it was, there is a new level of awareness we have that we did not have before. Living totally awake, is what I call it, and we really have evolved as a family. Thanks in no small part to Melanie’s program here and the fact that now I can see my part in this, and change the old tapes and way of thinking, on a much deeper level than I ever imagined. My ex too, had a replacement for me, within a few short weeks. It was crazy and took me a bit to get through that, but again, it was just that much more proof than he simply was not real.
Blessings to you!!! Deanna
Thank you for sharing your story Deanne. Reading your story was like reading another version of my own. From the whirlwind love affair and believing God FINALLY sent me THE ONE, to the first time he showed who he was and left me in utter shock after a couple of months of bliss. From manipulating my time away from my children and critizing my parenting skills to pushing me over the edge and using my behavior as a weapon against me. It seems like so many of us have experienced the exact same thing. My ex narc and I have been separated 2 years in September. We haven’t spoken in over a year and I don’t even know why (he made up a story to be mad about and failed to share it with me). A friend sent me Melanie’s website and now I finally understand why I can’t seem to “shake him”. I feel more confident than ever that I won’t be “hooked” by him again but I have a long way to go. I am so grateful to have this information and I look forward to continuing this journey of healing and self love. Thank you both.
Thanks for sharing Deanne. Like you I didn’t realize I was in a relationship with a Narcissist until my friend mentioned the possibility and I googled the word and found Melanie’s site. The “wow” hit me too and I realized that I wasn’t losing my mind and there are others who know my story. With Melanie’s help, I realized that I needed to look within myself for completeness and happiness and not to someone else. As we share and reach out to each other we WILL get stronger and to that place of peace. I’m not sure if I will allow myself to love again but I do know that a Narcissist will never come into my life again and I am now fully armed to warn others!
Hi Diana,
I just wanted to add a little note to your post…
I can totally understand your feelings ‘I may never love again’…
However…
When we heal our inner programs enough to come back to the truth of who we are – which is love – then there is nothing else to do but ‘to love’. Real love is never about hurting ourself or others, or about ‘needing’ someone else’s love to know we are loving or worthy or love..
The version of love we did know and got caught up in was the co-dependent / narcissist dance…We weren’t our own source of being love, and the narcissist was using an arena of ‘love’ to try to gain significance (narcissistic supply).
The relationship was not genuine love, as Deanna so beautifully expressed it – it was an exercise of trying to gain ‘relief’ for both parties.
When you become genuine love to yourself – you will have nothing to fear in regard to being loving, loved and loveable and you will deeply KNOW that inside.
Mel xo
Hi Diana,
I am very glad to see that you are doing better. It may be impossible for you to avoid hooking up with an N again–remember, even Melanie succumbed twice. As far as warning others, this may be an impossiblity as well. If you try to warn any of your ex’s prospective new N supply–they won’t listen and will think that you still want him–basically you’re jealous of them. I didn’t even try to warn my ex’s new supply–I felt Karma is a B, and would catch up with her soon enough. After all, who warned you?
Hi Pat,
When you put it that way, you are right. No-one warned me and my ex narc has gone through two supplies since me in the last year! I wish we could have a list of the names of narcs posted/listed just like they do sex offenders! They are so destructive. It’s good to have you and others for support and advice. Thanks
Someone quoted this on facebook the other day and after working thru Melanies How To Trust and Empower your ability to Manifest I heard myself say “WHAT RUBBISH THIS QUOTE IS”. The following quote is made of up the stuff that my ego and codependency thrives on and the old me would have understood it as truth but not anymore. Here it is –
— “The more people value happiness, the more they strive to be happy, the less happy they are. … One hypothesis here is that the more you want to be happy the more you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and discontent. If people pursue happiness in a less “self-focused” and a more “other-focused” way they may be able to circumvent the paradoxical effects of valuing happiness”
I agree with you so much, Kim. It’s the message touted a lot by religious people, but not only religious people. That we find happiness by completely losing our Self and giving endlessly to others. Total recipe for disaster, as I have found out the hard way!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I never understood it was absolutely necessary to love yourself until this program, it was what my soul was asking of me – a generous engagement with Life, not others lives, MY life. Its that component that no one talks about. Once you love yourself and Life you automaticaly become a source of service.
Hi Catherine,
very true..
And the reason being – ‘we’ are life…there is no separation…
There is only one ‘being’ in the room – which is ‘all that is’.
…’you automatically become a source of service…’ – most definetely as you can’t ocntain the ‘big beingness’ of being connected and expansive.
Without the ego we are a ‘big self’…in the ego we are a ‘little self’ completely absorbed and disconnected from people, life and service…and / or using those commodities as a self-absorbed (contracted / limited) means to an end – rather than ‘being’ these things as an expansive self.
Thank you for your great post!
Mel xo
Reading Deanna’s story I relived so many identical moments, the eagerness to put aside my own thoughts and feelings, to ‘fix it’ for him, so he would be happy,, waiting for him to become the ‘white knight in shining amour’ that he purported to be when we first got together. He was my second marriage, God’s answer to my first lonely marriage of 22yrs. It was painful to read, because it brought back so many conflicting sensations. I have been out of the relationship for over three years, but I am only just reaching out to find a way to find myself. I feel like I have been living in a limbo, belonging nowhere, and to noone, despite having wonderful grownup children who love me and support me.
When Deanna said (quote)My soul was screaming at me to be seen, heard and loved….I wanted this person to make me feel complete and whole and take care of me, so that I did not have to. I was not looking for a partner. I was looking for relief. (unquote) I had a WOW moment,,, that is me,,, after two failed marriages, where I was the carer, I have said, I want to be looked after,,I want to be nurtured, cared for, pampered,, and expecting I need someone else to do that. BUT IT IS ME THAT HAS TO DO THAT!! I want to be happy to be by myself. I want to enjoy my own company!!
That was one of the BEST posts I have ever read. You are a treasure. Lean on your kids, and grandkids?? That’s what I do. I have two grandsons 12 and 8, and I always refer to them as my two favorite men. We hang out together alot. I take them places, spend lots of money on them, we watch movies, cook, work in the yard (matter of fact they both INSISTED on having their OWN gardening gloves). I smile and laugh a lot, so much so that sometimes I’m driving down the street and realize my face hurts. When I glance in the rearview mirror, I realize I’m smiling while driving and have to make a concious effort to relax my face muscles. And guess what, there is NO doom cloud hanging over our new house–did I mention they both live with me. We placed a plaque over our front door–“Love lives here”. Hang on in there–it took about 3 years after the divorce for me to pull myself together. The first year when I lived all alone was the worst, but I think God wanted me to discover the difference between being lonely and being alone.
Thanks Pat, I have 8 beautiful grandchildren, scattered around the state of WA and Vic. I long for the day when my face hurts from smiling. 🙂 I have now signed up to do Melanie’s course and God willing, the face aching with laughter and smiles is not that far away.
Cynthia; You absolutely hit the nail on the head! It took this person to get me to actually see and learn how to love myself. What a journey 😉 Loving the outcome. Deanna
Deanna, isn’t it amazing the amount of relief we feel after using the NARP program to face and release our unhealed parts that are so intertwined in many aspects of our lives! I too have been doing the program for 10 months, and it is unbelievable how far I have come in my healing as well!
Your story is very powerful. So many of us caught in the web of a narcissist feel there is no way to break free, as the pull is incredibly strong. Thank you for being such an inspiration, as you give hope to those struggling.
I find it so interesting your description of the way the N used your children’s actions to belittle you as a parent, and how he accused you of caring more about your kids and your business than you cared about him, and how you twisted and turned trying to prove him wrong. The N (of 33 years)in my life was my children’s father, and he used the identical arguments with me! I totally relate and understand how it undermines your self worth! I am so happy to see how you have moved forward, and I know the program has been so instrumental in helping you move into this peaceful level.
Thank you again for sharing your story and giving hope to those who feel despair. 🙂 Kayla
Deanna,
Your story could’ve been my story…so many similarities, except I got out before marrying him. I was so confused by the whole relationship, knowing something was deeply, deeply wrong, but I was completely hooked!!
I gather you are a Christian? My N and I had a very close and intimate spiritual connection and so many of our experiences had to do with our shared faith. I was his “gift from God” as a reward for enduring his marriage with a “witch”.( I would find out later that he was horrible to her too) We went to church together, listened to Christian music together, fellowshipped endlessly about our relationships with God.
So, when we broke up for the last time and he emailed me a week later to tell me that he had found the “real” woman that God had for him, it was absolutely devastating and shattered my soul. (they got married this month…4 months later)
I have a hard time going to church, listening to the Christian radio station…as they all remind me of that incredible connection we had. This whole aspect of our relationship, the way he was at church and in Christian circles and then the sick ways he treated me has REALLY, REALLY messed with my head and my heart and my faith.
Can you relate to any of this? Any encouragement or advice? I want this spirtual connection broken, for good!
I have one last module left on NARP, and I am definitely finding relief. But this one area is still very difficult.
Thank you Deanna, and congratulations for the new life you are creating!
P.S. We had gone out for 2 1/2 years.
Hi Patti; So sorry it took me so long to get an answer to you. Absolutely this was a part of the hook for me and it took me quite awhile to realize that this person was not “saved” but was indeed acting. Just as in the rest of the life he had “created”. Keep looking towards yourself for the healing you need. This person came in to your life for a reason (mine did) so that I could learn that everything I felt I needed from him, I was actually being called to give myself. He wasn’t real, never was. That love isn’t love. What I can give myself (and you as well) through our beliefs and connecting with the truth that God alone has given us, that is beautiful and real, and pure and fabulous! Blessings to you!
Please do not let him sour your faith. Thankfully you saw the truth sooner than later. God protected you by allowing the truth to come out. Your conneection to him…is it a connection to who you thought he was? The dream he so willingly shattered?
Thanks Raeanne. I think you’re on to something…I think I so believed that our Christian experience together was genuine and that his faith was pure. And, yes, I think the connection was to who I truly believed he was.
I have a hard time accepting that these people are as utterly empty and unable to have any genuine relationship…even with God? I always saw his faith as such a precious part of him.
Was ANYTHING in man or in this relationship real??
Patti,
My ex was the same way. Remember, these Narcissists are experts at appearing to be EXACTLY what we are looking for. They ask clever questions and do a lot of probing early in the relationship to found out what your interests are and what you are looking for in a relationship, and then they BECOME that – at least on the surface. But like you said, none of it is real. It is a facade. A painful lesson to learn I know.
Such an amazing story to hear how you came out the other side, stronger and true to yourself. I think that truth must give you the strength not to keep looking back.
I love these success stories and want to start NARP, still in the web of finding the right time to break away. Been in the spider web of N for over 10 years, totally sure I am very co- dependent and trying to find the courage to stop relying on someone whose words and behavior are crazy making – his creed of ” I’ll do what
I want to do” no matter how much it may hurt you is crazy .. These stories help to make those of us still ‘stuck’ see some light !
Cathy, there is never a ‘right’ time. It took me 9 yrs and it was close friends and family that gave me the courage to face the reality it was never going to work. I lost everything, even my own home, and in my 50’s it has been horrendous! Still on the road to recovery three years later, but not living with the day to day eggshell walk. You are strong, you can stop this!! My thoughts are with you
Deanne,thank you so much for sharing your amazing journey of courage, strength, and honesty. I can’t begin to describe how every detail of what you experienced was/is my journey as well. I’m fortunate enough to have an incredible support system of family and friends who have helped me finally make the decision to leave him. The mental torture of this type of abuse is something I viewed as a “strength” of mine I could tolerate not realizing that it is not my job to “fix’ him (which is part of the reason why I stayed for 7 years). Like many of the other amazing stories shared, this too was my second marriage and I was determined to make it work. Little did I know, the empty promises would not only continue but would become incredibly more abusive over time making me feel like I wasn’t doing enough to “make it better”.
I wish I could comment on every part of your story, Deanne, because I NEED YOU TO KNOW how your courageousness to share has validated the torture I’ve endured and has also helped me feel like I truly am not crazy!!! Everything you discussed, I too experienced with my soon-to-be ex and I extend my sincere gratitude to you. You are brave and amazing.
Melanie, I can’t begin to describe how your website has helped educate me over the past 3 months and I am so grateful I stumbled upon it. I’ve NEVER written comments to any stories on line but I had to commend and thank both of you for helping save me from my mental angst I was desperately trying to understand.
Sincere thanks,
Staci
Thank you so much Staci for sharing and being here. This has truly been the place for me to finally find myself. On my knees has brought me fully upright, face towards the sunshine, not looking back. All along I thought someone else was going to give me this, a lie I was told and believed a long time ago, but now I can see the truth as its been all along. Its not a simple task to life authentically like this, but its so much better than what we have experienced, or been led to believe. Blessings to you!
All the stories here are inspirational and desperately needed to keep those of us who are in any phase of N abuse, somewhat sane. I just spent 15 months with an N – didn’t realize it until January and then didn’t want to believe it. He did all the usual things; sucked me in with charming, protective, and caring behavior. Provided for me while I was unemployed, and left no need unfulfilled – for about 8 months. The mask slipped a few times but I didn’t see it for what it was and I have a blog on narcissism. http://datingapersonalitydisorder.wordpress.com/ So it just goes to show me that healing is continuous and life-long.
He engaged in all the tactics, with stonewalling and the cold shoulder being his favorites. When I think back, I realize this was going on from the beginning. We had our first date on a Sunday. We made plans to have another date, but hadn’t firmed it up. Monday after work, I got a call that he was 20 min away from my house and when I objected, he charmingly blew it off as “it’s just me – we’ll have supper and great time. I t’s not my fault – my car just pointed itself in the direction of your house.”
Silly me. I fell for it and 15 months later, I’m paying for it. I find your website invaluable and would like to backlink it to mine if you don’t mind. Please let me know if this is okay with you?
Tonia, your newsletters, survival stories and your REVIVAL stories are very necessary. I’m going to place the link in my blog roll and in a post, but if you decide you do not want them there, please let me know and I will remove them immediately.
Thank you for this website.
Oh geez. See – my brain is dead right now. I referred to you by your middle name, not Melanie. My apologies!
Thanks Deanne for sharing. I just have one questio: why is it that we all got stuck trying to figure out if he’s a narc or not? What difference will it make? He’s still a bad/evil person, why isn’t this enough to ourselves?
Daisy, for me it was because on the outside he was so “perfect” and portrayed himself as a good man. It was so subtle it was hard to believe what was happening until it was in my face, bad. Even then none of his friends saw it and even his own daughter excused his behavior, because they didn’t know how to address it. There was no where to go, no one to discuss it with because it was so in the dark. At least for me. And, I perpetuated it because I internalized it, rather than bringing it to light, because I learned early that if I brought it to light, I would be punished. Crazy making for sure. Now, through that I am strong enough to have my boundaries to ensure that I am true to myself, speak up even when its not comfortable, and am loving enough to myself to not get close to things that are hurtful.
Wow, I think that was the most impactful story for me so far. Thank you especially for sharing your childhood. Mine was equally dysfunctional. I, too, had a moment when my father held me and “loved” me and that I kept in a secret place in my heart. Years later I discovered it was incest and the secret broke open like a boil. But to that little girl, it was love. Your story helped me to forgive that little girl.
Laura; Blessings to you and so glad that you are forgiving you and your little one. Until I did as well, for my many mistruths, I couldn’t really love myself completely because I always kept the “uncomfortable” parts of me away from myself. Until I let them “be” I couldn’t really embrace all of me as a complete person. Now, completeness is wholeness and authentic. Its such a sense of freedom! Blessings to you on your journey. It is good.
Deanna
Hi, Melanie,
And, thank you very much for showing the light in the very long tunnel for people who have encountered one of these predators. In your book “How to do No Contact” you have mentioned that “Virtually all narcissists are sociopaths, and not psychopaths. ”
How do you discriminate between them? My understanding was that for the purpose of general psychiatry they are indistinguishable and only recognised as distinct entities for the purpose of forensic psychology. My heart goes to you for all the extraordinary work you are doing. Thank you again.
Hi Sergey,
You are very welcome.
I am not a great fan of psychiatris definitons generally.
Sam Vaknin in ‘Malignant Self Love’ does a great job of really getting to the ‘guts’ of definitions.
It really is my understanding that the psychopathic model is generally not as ‘high functioning’ as sociopaths. If we are to think of mass murderers etc…there is an incredible sadist element and often a reclusive or ‘weird’ persona.
Narcissists get about every day life often as friendly, charming and gregarious.
To the psychopath sadism is his ‘drug’ whereas the narcissist’s is ‘attention / acclaim / praise / significance / ‘look at me’..
The narcissist’s drug is narcissitic supply and malisciousness just happened to get caught up in that when the narcissist perceives someone is not supplying the narcissist the NS that the False Self demands.
Malisciousness was not the initial motivation as it is with the psychopath.
That is my understanding of the diffentiation.
I hope that helps.
Mel xo
Dear Deanna,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too had a friend that told me my then MIL sounded like a narcissist. I went online to learn more, as I really knew very little, and came across Melanie’s website. As I read, I was simultaneously relieved (to discover that I wasn’t alone or crazy, as my situation was making me feel) and sickened (with the realization that not only was my MIL a narcissist, but my then husband as well). So many of the things you shared were exactly what I experienced. This being my third marriage and having uprooted my children to move to his town and his home, I was desperate to make it work.
In the beginning, I too “thought God had finally rewarded me for all the hard times in my life, by picking this man for me.” I too “had never felt so in love in all my life” and still struggle with letting go of the love I still have for him.
After we married and I moved my children and I to his hometown, things immediately started to change. Within 10 days of the move, I was being accused of developing feelings for a coworker at my new job and three weeks after our arrival, he kicked my kids and I out one Sunday night during a tirade. I felt like I had made an incredible mistake. My sense of trust and security with him was shattered.
My ex would also “make subtle “suggestions” to me about my dress, my makeup, almost like put-downs, but not quite. I remember feeling confused and a little off kilter by some of the things that he would say. A lot of it was subversive enough that I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I felt so bad.” I never felt ‘good enough’ and felt that my thoughts, feelings, and opinions were always somehow negated.
It didn’t take long for my anger toward him to build over everything he put my kids and I through. “I remember thinking, after everything I have done, and tried to do, after putting up with your crap for all these months, now you are attacking me as a mother, and my children. I hated him with all that I was and I had married him, and put my children in his home.” I didn’t know who I was angrier at, him or me. I lashed out at him in anger and the anger that I held in turned to depression.
“This was my third marriage, and the “three strikes and you are out” rang in my ears like a bad movie. I was so embarrassed and felt so much shame. I remember always feeling like I just wanted to show him how much I loved him and then maybe he would be nice to me again.” In a last ditch attempt to salvage our marriage, I tried desperately to love him and honor the commitment I made to him, but he completely shut me out. It was almost as though I didn’t exist anymore. It was crushing.
I now see that this relationship came into my life to teach me some very valuable and long past due lessons. “I wanted this person to make me feel complete and whole and take care of me, so that I did not have to. I was not looking for a partner. I was looking for relief.” Though I hadn’t been looking for a relationship when he came around and tried to slow things down several times because I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship, this relationship and the brokenness that it left me in when it ended will teach me some of my most valuable life lessons ~ like learning to love and accept myself where I’m at, learning to trust that voice inside that says “this isn’t right”, learning to be okay without a relationship, learning how to stop the “tapes” from the past and heal those old wounds that allowed me to come to this place in my life.
I am very grateful for this website and for the stories and encouragement that are shared. It has truly been a lifeline during a very dark time in my life. Thank you, Deanna and Melanie.
Amie; thank you for sharing your story as well and I am so glad you made it here as well!!! Isn’t it amazing that all of our stories are so similar, and that we can get so much from them. Its just so authentic and genuine and life giving that we can come from there to here and have the opportunity to share with others and become light in this for others!
Thank you!
Hello Mel –
Read your article on why the narc is incapable of loving! Just began no contact with a narc of 4 yrs…I still can’t understand some things. Just 2 wks ago he told me, while crying “Don’t you get it, I’m madly in love with you”…now he’s faced with some health issues and told me “you can’t be there for me…you have a family and still married, and can only see me when it’s convenient for you!”, which is so far from the truth because when I ask to come stay with him, he says he’s either working or fishing. We live 2 hrs away from each other. Is he trying to protect me from himself? He’s told me he’s broken and dysfunctional in relationships. When I’m with him, he’s great, but when I’m away, I’m the enemy! The off/on routine has me so confused! I politely asked him for something that I left at his house, and he responded in an email “FIREWOOD”…why is he so angry with me? He has asked me only to email him to contact him, not to call his work phone. I’ve ended contact for 3 weeks now. Thank you for any clarification Mel 🙂
Hi Gina Marie,
Don’t think the narcissist is any shape or form has your best interests at heart – that you need to get VERY clear on – and lose that magical fantasy.
The narcissist does this – reels you in, lets the rope out – reels you in, lets the rope out.
These are mini-cycles of idealise, discard…and they only get more and more horrific.
All narcissist do these cycles…The idealising to hook you – the devaluing / pulling away is to hurt you, punish you and project the narcissist’s tormented self onto you. It’s ‘kicking the cat’…”I feel like rubbish and I’m going to take it out on you”…but FAR more sinister.
Pull away Gina and start your healing – and know what he is doing is what narcissists all do – and NONE of it is about your wellbeing – it is the exact opposite DESPITE anything he professes.
Mel xo
Hi Mel-
All your posts seem to come when most needed (thanks universe). Does the narc suffer with peptide addiction or is it just his/her victim?
I’ve been “hooked” after leaving and maintaining my own home and just holding onto my sanity for 6 years now. Finally sticking with “no contact” (a tortuous week). Thanks in advance for your reply
Hi Lou,
I am so pleased my posts help.
Any addict or person with activated survival programs (ego) suffers from emotional addictions (peptide addiction). So the answer is a HUGE resounding ‘Yes’.
Narcissist suffer horrifically from this angst and pain and this is why they NEED narcissistic supply constantly and desperately.
The thing is narcissists reduce all people and things to ‘objects’ to provide narcissistic supply – and this is why people are so dispensable to the narcissist.
The torture you are feeling will reduce so much if you get onto healing within and addressing your peptide addiction. Be very sure that the narcissist will simply keep hunting NS and will never get out of this cycle – but you can.
Mel xo
Wow Mel…thank you for your insight! I see this narc treat coworkers the same way with explosive anger at times, other times, very chatty and pleasant. Probably bipolar as well as narc. One more thing I’m not clear on: why haven’t his “fishing buddies” seen this terrible side of him? He says they’re good people and does a lot to help them (fix their boats, etc) and regards them as his family. Shouldn’t I have been treated with the most kindness and respect? Why aren’t THEY the enemy as well? I guess they never challenge his behavior. Confused :/
you are very welcome.
His fishies buddies will be ‘perfect’ to grant him narcissistic supply – to keep drip feeding him acclaim from any ‘glory days’.
They serve a narcissistic supply service to him, without challenging his False Self – they are probably really nice guys who tell him how wonderful he is for the tasks he does.
Of course you were not going to be treated with love and respect – how on earth were you going to feed back to him constantly how wonderful he is?
How on earth is an intimate partner going to be treated lovingly when a narcissist is terrified of deep connection and intimacy and needs to sabotage and punish in order to keep creating separation?
Gina – truly you need to start focusing on you and healing you…because even with me telling you that this is HOW all narcissists operate – they have cronies(or a crony), and they emotionally brutalise their intimate partners – you need to take responsibility and heal your pain, rather than thinking your closure will come from understanding him.
I promise you that is not your healing and relief anaswer.
Peace, love and truth needs to come from inside of you.
Mel xo
I realise I have been with a Narc for nearly 6 years now. He’s just discarded me yet again and I feel devastated and shell shocked. I still don’t know what I did wrong as I still don’t with all the other times he up and left me. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces and recover I’m so confused. He picked on my appearance, my job, my parenting skills and my behaviour. I’m really struggling to be here but I have two children who need me. Trouble is I feel totally destroyed. I just want to find me again and be happy and confident. I will take strength from all the stories and thank you all for sharing them.
Hi Pamela,
it os so good that you are in this community, and that these stories give you hope to know there is a way up and out of the pain you are going through.
Have you ordered NARP yet? Because that is how people are recovering the fastest and most supported way in this community.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Still living in a state of devastation and confusion. Why is that I’m full of self-doubt about the break down of my relationship? All I keep thinking is it’s all my fault. This man fits nearly all of your points about a narcissist, especially the list where you explain how they argue. I don’t think i’m wrong but all I can think about now he’s gone is all the good times! All my friends and family have been on at me for years to leave and move on when they get to know about the latest break up. More often that not I didn’t even know what I had done wrong – it always seemed that when I challenged him about his behaviour towards me or tried to sort things out like a ‘normal’ couple would, he would take it all so personally and storm out. Only to come back weeks or months later.The initial issue was never resolved as I learned not to bring it up for fear of him leaving again. He invented very big lies to get me back like having a long lost son who he couldn’t trace-which he said was the reason he had trouble staying in a relationship. There were many more lies like this. I feel absolutely broken as this really is the end now but I feel like running back! Please tell me i’m not going mad and I will be ok oneday. Thanks everyone xx
Hi Pamela,
Have you started working on yourself?
The problem is Pamela that if you are trying to get your brain to lead your inner self (emotions) out of the woods – it can be an extremely long and hard battle, with a great deal of tripping up.
Have you surrendered to knowing you need to go within and work on your inner?
You have identified he is a narcissist – you can’t change him into a person who is going to provide you with love, safety and fulfilment. If he argues as per the list – he DOES have NPD.
The real job is YOU healing yourself to become the person who supplies you with love, safety and fulfilment.
If you don’t go within to do this – then you are going to stay stuck in this pain – and keep attached to him to provide that for you.
Attachment is not love Pamela – it is dependency – which is toxic and self-destructive.
Does this make sense?
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Hi all of you,
I’m so grateful to have stumbled across this wonderful website too thanks Melanie!
I left my N 5 days ago after agonising about the decision for 2 months.
I have had no contact with him despite numerous vindictive emails and texts from him.
I only met him a year ago and I thought he was my soulmate and the man of my dreams. He whisked me off to St Lucia and proposed in April it was like a dream come true! I had finally met my Prince Charming !
Things quickly changed on return I was called a selfish bitch for falling asleep on a Sunday afternoon ( I work very long hours and I like to relax on a Sunday) then it seemed to escalate to patterns of mean/ nice which were starting to affect my mental health.
Lots of loud very aggressive screaming F off in my face over nothing! I became introverted and was walking on eggshells. My 9 year old son even started to be wary around him.
The final straw came last week on a flight back from Cyprus ( more a helladay than a holiday!) when he swore and screamed in his 8 year old sons face and my son was terrified. On leaving the airport he started screaming and swearing at me in the car park because I said I was tired?!? My son looked really scared and something snapped inside me and I walked back to the airport got a taxi back home with my son jumped in the car and drove to my mothers house where we slept outside til 5am as it was too early to wake her.
The following day when I knew he was at work I hired a van and got all of my belongings out of our rented house and moved them to my mothers garage.
He was not happy when he got back from work.
Now he’s sent me an invoice for all the money’s he’s spent on me and wants the ring back and he’s not apologised once… Calling me selfish, shallow and fake.
The most interesting thing is that he’s probably the most fake selfish man I’ve ever met! I know that his anger and violent outbursts were becoming stronger and he would soon hit me. He is a recovering alcoholic/ cocaine addict and I was his rescuer ( my job is supporting families with domestic violence and drug abuse which I felt ashamed about and felt that I should have known better)
The weird thing is I can relate to the yearning for the man he was before … Where did that amazing man go ? To be replaced by this ogre!!! If he’d been his real self at the beginning I would never of gone out with him!
Many thanks for giving me the awareness I needed to have the strength to move on. I know I deserve better and I’m going to love myself more from now on and be a positive role model for my son.
My father was/is a N and I’ve had no contact for 4 years now… I don’t want my son to experience what I went through.
Many thanks I’m staying strong thanks to this website.
Love and strength to you all from England:-)
Camille Xxx
Camille; Thanks for sharing your experience as well and welcome. Keep reading Mel’s information on the site and I highly recommend the NARP program to help you find your true self through all of this. Many blessings to you and read, read, read and breathe and No Contact is imperative. Blessings to you and your son!
Hi Melanie,
yes I do now understand that the pain was always inside of me (thanks to reading all of your information)and he just knew how to tap into that. I realise I must heal myself and that only I can release the inner pain. If it wasn’t for your advice and valuable support I think this would be even harder than it already is. It seems there are a lot of us out there who have been in relationships with Narcs but with all of us sharing our stories and giving encouragement we can all heal and move on to a true and happy life. What really resonated with me is the advice in your news letter that said finding out about Narcissism is not the answer to inner healing, it’s important to be aware of this disorder but we have to work on ourselves to heal from wounds already present and that the Narc just pushed buttons to re-open these wounds. So true. Hi to Camille,(i’m in England also) i’m so glad you and your son have cut contact and are able to live a Narc free life. I hope you and your son are doing ok. Don’t feel bad about not realising. It took me 6 years to accept and start researching just what his behaviour was all about. You have done the right thing and I applaud you for that.
Thanks Melanie for your continued support and advice. The real work on healing my unhealed parts now begins. A future without being stuck in this pain is something I really look forward to and will strive to achieve.
Love to all (also from England)
Pamela xx
Hi I just want to say thank you .I’m raw I have just got out of hospital after having a break down. I so glad that you shared a part of you life with me