Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Thinking Positive All The Time Is Not The Answer

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This article, is one that I have been thinking of doing for some time …

You see there is a big quandary out there about Law of Attraction.

Many people remember the movie “The Secret”, a big production which brought Law of Attraction information to the world. Many people ran with it, and were excited by it. It worked for some people, and for other people it didn’t.

Many people sharing Law Of Attraction principles benefited hugely from the movie The Secret – it made what was often thought of as “new age fluff” so much more “real” and “mainstream”. Abraham / Hicks was one of these messengers.

In relation to many standard Law of Attraction principles, many, many people over the years have messaged me this: “Your healing model is about going into the wounded parts, isn’t focusing on the negative contrary to what Law of Attraction tells us to do?”

In fact, when I posted asking people to come forth and grant their version of Law of Attraction on my Facebook Page, one member posted this …  “I’ve been struggling with this exact thing Mel. And it’s kept me from doing my modules. I’ve completed 4 and have not done 5 because I feel good and don’t want to go back to focusing on the negative stuff but know I need to claim it to get rid of it. Every time I go to sit down and do the module I just feel icky because I don’t want to ‘go there’ anymore. If that makes sense. But I know that ‘going there’ is the only way to not be stuck ‘there’ forever.”

So, my intention with this article is to explain how Law of Attraction really fits in with my healing model, and I also want to clear up some other common misconceptions about Law of Attraction – ones that might be holding you back from living the life you want to live.

 

My Journey With Law of Attraction

I have studied Law of Attraction since the 80’s with a great deal of enthusiasm, because I really wasn’t content to just have an average life … There was so much I wanted to create and experience.

Also, I found that as life progressed, there were many things I didn’t want to continue living anymore. Certain life circumstances, my own habits and reoccurring disappointing events.

The title “Law of Attraction” wasn’t really know then – the term for it was “manifestation” or “creative visualisation”.

I studied intently – everything from Shakti Gwain to Florence Shovel Shinn to Napoleon Hill.

It took me many, many years to realise the more spiritual principles of Law of Attraction.

Eventually, what I realised was: “manifestation” was not just about positive thinking, it was also about gratitude, service and not so much about “getting” something to feel good, but rather feeling good first and foremost in order to attract what was desired, rather than just trying to bring it to you with “visualising”.

After many years of trying to force my will on the Universe, I also finally realised what many Law of Attraction advocates know – that it was usually when I surrendered and no longer “needed” something to come, that it would show up.

Identically, if I didn’t have much of an attachment to something having to manifest, and was excited and keen to create this in my life (without “empty” ego attachments), I found it often manifested very easily.

Especially when I felt confident and worthy on these topics.

However, it wasn’t until narcissistic abuse trauma and deep daily spiritual inner practice and recovery that my journey with Law of Attraction took on a more profound, and what felt like a much more connected level.

This level became the incredible partnership of co-creating with a Higher Power than myself.

As a result of so much pain in my life, I was truly forced to seek out this relationship, because it had got to a point where on my own I could not sustain a relationship with myself or life anymore.

This relationship with God / Source / Life (whatever your understanding of a Higher Power may be) was not only healing, it was totally necessary. Without it I know I wouldn’t have lived. In many ways this relationship healed the impossible –  psychological and trauma conditions that I was told I would never heal and could only hope to manage with anti-psychotics.

Creating the space to align, and bringing in my connection with this Higher Power on an often daily basis, saved and changed my life beyond description.

This has given me my True Self and True Life. However, to create this “partnership” I had to make space in my body first. It was clogged up with fear, trauma, intense shame, and huge abandonment and rejection issues.

The bottom line of all of these inner traumatic wounds was the agonising beliefs that this Higher Power had abandoned me, rejected me and had totally forsaken me because I was “bad”.

I believed I must be soiled, no good, non-deserving and a total disappointment and failure – otherwise why had all this bad stuff happened to me?

It wasn’t until I was able to dig all that stuff out, and release those erroneous beliefs (which had been so painfully responsible for so much destruction in my life) that I was able to clean out space to create my true, loving connection with this Higher Power.

Before then, I did not have the room for it – which totally meant I did not have the consciousness to accept it – not when the poison of my previous wounds were controlling my thoughts, feelings, choices and behaviours.

The relief, love, joy and freedom of creating this relationship as real in my body, knowing that I am adored, supported and loved unconditionally by this Higher Power – is indescribable.

It was also essential for the deeper connection to Law of Attraction that I experienced.

 

What I Believe Now About Law of Attraction

As my development progressed, I realised that co-generating with a Higher Power in alignment grants access to a lot of power.

I learnt through a lot of trial and error and hard life lessons that gratitude, grace and peace was absolutely necessary – the necessity to be love and grace, rather than try to tap into this power when being egoic, small, fearful and needy.

We can’t bargain with God, or plead to God – we can only be God-like (which is nowhere near the version of “God-like” that narcissists portray).

Throughout my life I learnt the hard way that if I wanted “stuff” to fill a hole within me for egoic, small reasons (someone to love me to relieve me of lack of self-love, more money to relieve me of feared poverty, and more stuff that will grant me more appeal and approval with people), that even if I got these things, my choices and creations would turn out to be disastrous, or these things would be taken away from me anyway.

I realised that being “in alignment” meant being humble and surrendering over “my version”, or what I thought I wanted, to what the Universe has access to – which is unlimited divine permutations and possibilities that our limited logical mind couldn’t even begin to fathom.

(Doesn’t it feel gloriously expansive, just the thought of getting ourselves out of the way to let “magnificent possibility” flow through us?)

Our egos judge – they demand – they attach, which are all “narrowing” energies, which I believe doesn’t allow the Universe sufficient space to truly operate.

By stark contrast, if we are anchored in our true worthiness, which TOTALLY means making peace that All Of Existence (our Higher Power) unconditionally loves us rather than condemns and punishes us … then we can ignite something really big.

There is another necessity however. This is an understanding of the “worthiness” of “Oneness”, and knowing that the True Source is our Source. We are co-creating everything out of the “Quantum Soup” directly with “Life” and this means, as adults, we need to give up the needy, false dependency beliefs that a specific “person” or “thing” is our Source of survival and creation.

If we are doing this, we hand our power over to False Substitutes. (We all know what it was like to assign narcissists as our Source of “love”, “worthiness”, “security” or “approval”).

Maybe this is what necessary “devotion” to God really means – the recognition that we are creating direct with the True Source Power itself, for better (consciously) or for worse (unconsciously) – which requires us to create this “connection” as healthily as we can.

When we do have our connection to Source established, we can be “whole” and “content” now, rather than “empty” and “needy” … yet excited about expanding out even further

And not because expansion is a “condition” of our life – rather because it feels great to do so.

When we co-create with our Higher Power the ability to be “more” (more loving, more creative, more expanded and more divine mission orientated), we can embody the excitement and inspiration of being aligned with the True Power of the Universe backing us.

Then we know for sure the thrill that we feel cellularly in our body of:  “I’m becoming ‘more’ than what I was previously. I am evolving, growing and expanding and I can feel my future and truth of where I am heading, even if I don’t know the details yet.”

This, I believe with all of my heart (now) … “The Field” (all of Life) is teaming with wellbeing, flourishing and nourishing, and we need to be as open, emotionally healthy, and literally as “radiant” as we can be to receive this abundance and wellbeing.

Which is impossible if we are clogged up with pain, fear and trauma.

One of the greatest things I realised about manifestation was, when we have a desire to be “more” than our previous self for divine reasons, and then generate that desire to grow and expand from our heart – absolutely we can manifest.

One of my favourite manifestation mantras is: “My (what I desire) supportively expands my ability to love more, my personal growth and my life’s work to astonishing levels.”

When our will aligns with divine will, and when it is authentic rather than egoic – the magic happens … absolutely.

Being authentic means we are not doing a trade off with a Higher Power, we are not demanding, bargaining or pleading … rather we are “be-coming”.

And we are NOT “taking” … rather we are aligning with “giving” and “expressing” even more or Who We Really Are.

When we realise the Quantum Base Note Law – “We are All One” – we realise true healthy giving is always to self.

When we “be” it (authentically embody and outpour it), it will “come”, which really means “more of myself is showing up.”

This is what Life has always been granting.

Like many of us, I certainly couldn’t just reach this understanding, and more importantly authentically embody this principle without a lot of setbacks, and not without doing a lot of work on myself …

 

My Easiest and Most Disappointing Results With Law of Attraction

Years ago I was able to make “manifestation” occur easily in some areas of my life, ones where I had always been able to be fairly confident and positive, and by working with affirmations and some visualisation processes that I could embody as real in my body, I saw positive growth which I knew was not mere coincidence.

I also recognised when my negative attitude abounded, situations would get worse. If I started having “money fears” invariably a horse that I was training would require a vet, or a fence would need repairs, or some random thing would go wrong with my car.

I made the connection: Somehow I am creating this …

I also became very sensitive to realising that people complaining and blaming were generally unpleasant to be around, and often there were many new things appearing in their life that were unpleasant that gave them more to blame and complain about.

I was a very busy person in life, and apart from reading (which I loved) I thought that acquiring the knowledge and using the tools for a few minutes every day was all I needed to do. And for the most part in many areas of my life this was true, and generally speaking there were very few physical/ practical goals that I couldn’t achieve.

Yet, my relationship issues continued to range from disappointing to disastrous. What I found is that if I tried to affirm or visualise “what I wanted” on the topic of close intimate relationships, I felt blocked. Or if I persisted, I felt fearful and agitated. Or I felt like I just couldn’t access the feelings, thoughts and visions that I wanted.

I felt like an “alien” trying to feel something “foreign”. What I hadn’t understood at this point was – I had no ability to “see” what I wanted, because as yet, I had not “seen” the parts of myself blocking my “beingness” in regard to it.

The truth was, I had so many painful, fearful programs trapped inside of me sabotaging my success in personal relationships, that I simply could not access healthier “knowings”.

So, then what I would do, is stop trying, and just keep busy with the things that I could feel good about and visualise.

I talked to people about this issue of manifesting loving connections, and they suggested many processes including Louise Hayes affirmations, and then later Ester Hicks Law of Attraction work. Obviously, I thought, I just wasn’t doing it right, or maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough.

Yet despite, every technique and way to do Law of Attraction that I found, I still had the same painful blocks in my way – I just couldn’t feel and believe what I wanted to.

 

When I Met the Narcissistic Husband

I remember distinctly, just before the narcissistic husband came into my life, after yet another disappointing relationship ending, I thought … “Ok this is it, I am supposed to be single, and it’s just going to be me and my son … no future life partner for me.”

In some sort of weird way, even though it was painful, I resigned to that being my lot. Then by the craziest of synchronistic events, within days, the man I was going to marry appeared on my doorstep, with his sister (who I knew).

Two days later I knew I was totally “in love” and I was going to marry him.

I was “spiritual”, I was into “self-development” (hugely) … and what I really believed was it was my TOTAL surrender that had caused the Universe to hand-deliver my perfect partner straight to me.

I hadn’t even had to leave my home!!

Here he was, “the man” who had “everything” I had always wanted in a partner.

(Yes … We all know how that turned out).

What he really was, was NOT the divine match of the highest expression of a love partner for this lifetime (clearly!). What he was, was the direct match for the wounded parts of myself that I had never been able to previously heal.

He represented a huge smattering of the painful beliefs and trapped painful wounds in my subconscious to do with “love” and “relationship” – the wounds that had been there for a very, very, very, long time, and had been responsible for the list of painful relationship experiences that I had been the common denominator in.

But of course, I merrily and intoxicatingly went along, naively believing that after being so spiritual and metaphysical and doing tons of talk-therapy, reading every single book I could get my hands on regarding self-development, and attending many workshops and seminars that I was all sorted and this was my reward.

What I hadn’t yet realised, is there is a distinct difference between “the mind” and the “subconscious”, and there was a VERY powerful reason why I had difficulty every time that I tried to focus on positive thoughts and feelings and visualisations regarding a truly loving connected glorious relationship.

Why couldn’t I achieve these feelings myself?

(Yet of course every relationship that had showed up absolutely provided these feelings …)

Not realising the answer to that question was exactly why I had stayed “asleep” to what was really going on.

 

The Law of Attraction Surface Principle

The Law of Attraction principle is “whatever we focus on increases in our life.”

This is true!

I know someone dear to me who says “I will never get a carpark at busy times”, and he doesn’t … I know some people who complain about people cutting them off on the roads and state “So many drivers are stupid”, and I know they get in road-rage incidents a couple of times a week at least.

I also know I can’t remember the last time someone cut me off on the road … it was years ago and even if it was last week, I probably wouldn’t remember anyway, because since learning about Law of Attraction I refuse to give something like that my energy.

Law of Attraction is the Quantum understanding of a fundamental truth of nature  –  “energy” – and that everything on the physical plane is made up of energy.

When we give something “energy” we give it “life”.

When we realise “energy” isn’t just a physical action, we realise the power of thoughts / feelings – which are known as “emotion” is also a powerful energy.

The world e-motion means “energy set in motion”.

What I have learned through my metaphysical journey is: the surest way to have something show up in your life is to “despise it”. The attraction energy of resentment is powerful. We think we are saying “No” to something, but we are in fact saying “Yes” to it. Another energy that causes things to come into our life is “fear”.

Hence the saying, “What we fear we create”.

I know if I don’t want to bump into someone, within days I will be saying “Crap – there’s so and so… I really don’t want to talk to them!”

I know if I fear being unprepared and late for a something exactly that usually happens in the weirdest of ways. I had that experience before I left for Thailand. By total “randomness” my passport fell behind my bed, and that nearly caused me to miss my plane!

I also know that if I fear confronting someone that the conversation will generally go pair-shaped.

Even the greatest sceptic on the planet can’t dismiss that if they walk into a room where two people have been fighting that you can cut the air with a knife, no matter how cordial they pretend to be.

So, if we accept that unseen energy is “real”, we can start acknowledging its power, and that it can make things happen one way or another.

If we deny this and do nothing to be “positive”, we will surely see the results of a very powerless, painful and problematic life.

We may all know people like this, people who are clogged up with terminal resentment, blaming, shaming and victimhood. Maybe we have spent periods of life like that ourselves, and are aware enough to admit that life sucked when we were like that.

But can we just switch off the bad feelings and become positive?

Maybe we can for the “simpler” things in our life, which we don’t feel traumatised about …

But what about the deeper stuff.

What about the stuff, like my inability to focus, or feel and dream “real love” on my own without someone showing up and temporarily and artificially giving me these feelings?

Why could I dream, feel, visualise and “know” other wonderful stuff before it physically manifested, yet the feelings for “love” were pretty much impossible no matter what I tried?

This is what some people posted on my Facebook Page in regard to Law of Attraction:

“In conversations with God book 2, he (Neale Donald Walsch) talks about how law of attraction goes two ways; creating using the soul and creating using the ego/mind. Creating using the mind is harmful to us because we are working on belief systems that may be harmful to us. Whereas the soul its crystal clear about who we are, it’s not messy. It happens when you have cleared your childhood wounds. The Secret seems more focused on the mind than the soul. God says in those books that you can never find him in your mind but only in your heart.”

“I believe and teach that to be authentic, and move forward our insides MUST match our outsides. Therefore when it comes to LOA, we can only attract that which aligns with our inner belief.”

“The law of attraction as I understand it, is that what we put out is what we get back. If what I put out and get back is negative, to change that into a positive, I must acknowledge and heal what needs to be revealed from the dark unconscious, before the transforming of it can take place.”

(These comments were all great …)

This last comment was the key that I was missing … the unconscious. You see, I had believed, “I can’t see and feel ‘love’, so I’ll just stay happy with everything else in my life, not indulge in any negative emotion about love, and love will just work out because I am in a good vibration.”

I had taken Law of Attraction surface principles literally …

“Be happy and positive … and happy, positive things will happen to you”.

What I didn’t realise, back then, is my subconscious is composed of incredibly powerful forces – DNA belief systems, survival programs and 40 million bits of information (energy) operating per second – as opposed to my logical mind (that I thought I had control of) manifesting a teeny 40 bits of information (energy) per second.

I hadn’t realised that the hugest majority of my life was generated from my subconscious.

On certain topics my subconscious was healthy and manifesting identical results, but in regard to close personal relationships, my subconscious was festering with unhealed wounds bubbling under the surface that were driving my thoughts, feelings and behaviours (as well as attractions) that totally matched these wounds.

I was attractive and attracted to these unresolved wounds point blank. And Life was simply doing what Life unconditionally does … “Showing up as more of myself.”

What I hadn’t realised is: the subconscious is not accessed or understood by mere “thinking”. It is accessed by feelings. Hence when I tried to “feel” healthy, happy, glorious love it was a non-event.

When I actually did stop and face myself, what I felt instead was my “love wounds”. And I kept running away from those feelings with distractions and addictions!

The “love wounds” were the TRUTH of what was going on in my subconscious.

This is what Facebook Members wrote in regard to the subconscious:

“Wishing my sore spots, dark blots, victimhood, blaming, powerless and helplessness issues away without first owning them as mine, is a form of denial, and keeps me in a state of attracting more of it. They are not me, but they are in me. The more deeply I acknowledge the darkness within me the more brightly the light is permitted to shine.”

“It is then that we can go inside and see why we are attracted to and drawn to these relationships. And this is done internally. This is when the shift happens, the understanding of the inner-self is important for the healing to begin.”

“Dealing with negatives has to be done. If they are not handled and we pretend they don’t exist it is like letting an infection go untreated.”

“My thoughts. ..we are not “focusing” on the negative, we are expressing it, so we can let it go, for good. What we repress can make us depressed!”

“I first got interested in LOA about 8 years ago when I read a book by Lynn Grabhorn, called “Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting”. But I had very limited success, because, although I was unaware of it at the time, I had so many false beliefs that were sabotaging what I wanted to attract. Mel, I love what you once said, about not being able to park a Ferrari in your garage, when there’s an old rusty wreck in there, and I think that applies to the LOA totally. You can’t manifest your desires when there’s a sub-conscious voice telling you it’s not possible, or that it’s undeserved.”

So what happens when we are prepared to go into our “shadows”, the parts of us that hurt and are painful and shameful that we would rather avoid?

 

Working With Law of Attraction at a Subconscious Level

There are sooo many great works about the “shadows”, and this is my deepest reading, development and understanding work done now in regard to Law of Attraction.

Many, many great spiritual writers write about it.

Osho most definitely was a controversial spiritual leader – however, amongst all of the phases regarding “shadow work” this one of his, to me, is the MOST poignant.

“Why would you deny the mud, when out of it blooms the lotus flower?”

That sums it up totally for me … (I get shivers of truth every time I say or read this quote!) … because it is what I have personally experienced thousands of times, as well as view happen every day with people who work at shifting their subconscious.

I see incredible transformations (often instant) when the energy that was tied up in inner wounds gets released and up-levelled.

In fact, I TOTALLY believe that within the shadows is our GREATEST gold to be mined  –  which is: evolution, growth, emancipation / re-birth, compassion, authenticity, joy, inspiration, expansion, profound unconditional love, and a spiritual development / wisdom that surpasses anything our logical mind could ever create.

All of those “up-levels” are waiting for us in our shadows  –  if we go there, and lovingly face, embrace and transform these shadows.

As Paul Levy wrote in his book Wetiko, “The wounds that seemed to destroy us are in fact handing us our greatest gift of total rebirth.”

The late Debbie Ford had this to say about her works The Shadow Effect “… the transformative power of your shadow – the parts of yourself that you dislike and disown, the parts of you that you regret and repress, and the future that is waiting for you to be birthed.”

I believe the shadow work – the going to our subconscious and releasing the painful parts of ourselves  –  is the most powerful Law of Attraction work we could ever do, because we always JUST ARE working Law of Attraction, whether we know it or not.

We are ALWAYS attracting exactly the energy we are producing, and the majority of this energy is not in our logical mind, it is what is going on in our subconscious.

If we were to just stay “positive” that would require self-avoidance – meaning we don’t go to, look at, investigate or work within any of the wounded parts in our subconscious.

Yes, it is “normal” to not want to face our wounds, because that is what we were always taught: “Don’t feel painful emotions and avoid them at all costs”. And the costs have been addictions to something else to try to ease the pain – whether that is TV, alcohol, cigarettes, an addiction to gaming or Facebook, having to constantly fill our calendar with company, or eating way too many biscuits, junk food or chocolate cake.

I believe the greatest “cost” is that we can’t emotionally anchor into the emotions of wholeness, deservedness, positivity and expansive possibility when we are constantly ruled by our inner demons of unresolved trauma, unworthiness and associated resentments, fears and grief.

Have you ever heard anyone declare “I don’t want to go back there, I have DEALT with that”? If you have you know immediately they haven’t – not really – they have only shoved it down and tried to surpress it.

But whatever we repress, still exists, and as Debbie Ford said, “If you don’t deal with your shadows they will deal with you.”

This is what Facebook Members had to say about seeking out and transforming these painful inner parts:

“For me, it always comes down to having the courage to look, get out my flashlight, and shine it in the darkest parts of my soul. Only then, can I see myself, come out of denial, and be healed. Then miracles happen, and what I attract shifts, because I have let more light in.”

“You have to go inside and deal with the negative stuff, or it doesn’t resolve itself and keeps resurfacing. But once you face it head on, things begin to improve and you can shift towards more productive things.”

“There is something to be said about “fake it until you make it”, but from my own experience: until and unless we allow our negativity to bubble up and hang out on the outside WHILE we examine, choose to change, shift or level up our beliefs, we will continue to make small gains and experience setbacks of equal value. “

(Thank you for these shares everyone!)

I promise you, in the past I have been “brainwashed” into not doing the inner healing work by L of A advocates, who convinced me that I shouldn’t continue “dwelling”.

Fortunately, this doesn’t happen anymore – because I know I am not “dwelling” when I work with Quanta Freedom Healing. In stark contrast I am “shifting, up-levelling and expanding”. This is not about regurgitating the same things over and over again, and being stuck in them – it is about transforming inner wounds into True Self liberation one wound at a time.

You can learn more about my Quanta Freedom Healing process here. 

I am going into the darkness not to have a pity party. I am going in there to release the toxic energy and mine the gold!

Every time I do this I WIN a piece of my True Self back. I WIN a part of my soul back that was previously trapped in this darkness.

That is what evolution is, and when we have energetic tools to do it, we can fast track our own personal progress in ways that “logically” are not possible.

I soon found out in those periods of my life, when I wasn’t going direct into my subconscious and shifting it, how stuck, depressed, and in repeat my life was.

This I believe with all of my heart  –  our greatest goal is to create “space” inside us for the Universe to co-create with us … and I mean that as a Quantum Truth literally. The power of creation is in “space” not “contraction”.

“Space inside” feels spacious – yes!

Literally it feels like inspiration, joy, excitement, peace, happiness, contentedness … and best of all “possibility” – the possibility of reaching, becoming, expanding and experiencing “more” than what we previously had access to.

Feel into what I just said, and you will realise that if you are clogged up with wounds, fear and trauma – there is no “space”. And in this clogged up “toxic” state, all you can have is thoughts / feelings and behaviours that keep you in the Quantum Field of fear –  limited ability to grow, limited ability to expand, and dense painful emotions – as well as people who match these emotions.

To me that is what being “In Hell” really means – and I know because I’ve been there.

And I promise you – NO amount of mere positive logical thinking was going to get me out of there … ever.

In stark contrast when we shift the junk out – bit, by bit, by bit we become “heaven on earth”, co-creating with all of Infinity the expansion of more joy, more love, more expansion, and being more of who you are (your true personal mission in life).

Because we have opened up the space in our body to feel, flow forth and “be” these things.

Then every topic that you have cleaned out the muck on, you can feel, visualise and imagine your True Self path with this … even if you have never physically experienced it before.

Divine wisdom and power does not need logical real life experience – if it did – no-one would ever break into inspirational new divine ground on any topic.

The energy for it comes from within, from the connection to the unlimited wellbeing that is available directly from our connection to a Higher Power.

So, I guess you have realised what I really believe about Law of Attraction …

… Just before I finish off this article, I would like to end on one final note.

 

The Most Dangerous Thing I Have Ever Heard Someone Say About Law of Attraction

This mini-conversation on my Facebook Page sums this up …

“Melanie, I have a question about how law of attraction applies to a relationship with a narcissist, as in how is it possible to stay in a positive light when you’re in such a crazy and negative frame of mind, all of the time, in this type of relationship. Yet Abraham-Hicks states that you don’t leave the person – that’s never the answer but that you just focus on the good and the bad falls away – what is your opinion on this?”

This was my answer …

“I have met sooooo many people over the last 7 years who have believed “If I can manifest positivity, this person must follow in my experience.” I believed this too initially and it nearly cost me my life. There is no way certain people have the resources to change or can / will change. It is also a total falsity that they “need” to in order for us to have a happy life. What I believe now is this: if they are NOT your values and truth, move on and create truth with what and who is healthy. Certain people came into our lives NOT to be life companions, but to be a part of the divine plan to help us heal – period … Trying to fix and change them is NOT healthy Law of Attraction, it is codependency.”

Back to you now … I would love your comments or questions about Law of Attraction, as well as your personal understanding and experience with it.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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66 Thoughts on Why Thinking Positive All The Time Is Not The Answer
  • linxziloo@hotmail.com'
    Lyndsey
    January 30, 2015

    Hi Melanie

    I just wanted to say thank you so much because your work has been a source of real strength to which I have returned over and over again. I have managed to escape the situation and go no contact and am feeling so much better it is truly unbelievable. Without people like you sharing your knowledge and wisdom and providing a meeting place and forum for people who have been nationalistically abused to share I know for a fact I would still be in that awful place. It is true, you cannot ever speak to anyone who hasn’t been through this because it is simply too difficult to explain and even more difficult for them to understand. Finding you and your work and resources finally made sense of all the craziness and madness I had been living through, suddenly everything made sense and became crystal clear. I had never heard of all of these terms for example ‘hoovering’ but as soon as I read about it, it was like the light came on. I recognized every word, jeeps I’ve been hoovered up so many times! It was just so powerful to realize that there was a name for it and that other people have experienced exactly the same thing and that in fact I was not crazy at all. You proved to me that you absolutely can break free and if I can do it so can anyone else, they should follow yours steps and if feeling weak go back and read your words again. Thank you so much, I will be eternally grateful, keep up your amazing work, you should be so very proud of yourself xxxxxxxxxxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Lyndsey,

      You are so welcome and I am so pleased you have honoured you!

      It is so true, it is like a “twilight zone” that is unthinkable, and yes we truly can recover and Thrive!

      Keep up the great work Lyndsey 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Sarahwood734@ymail.com'
    Sarah
    January 30, 2015

    Hi Melanie.
    Really enjoyed your article. I absolutely agree with your last statement.
    I too used to believe that the more I evolved that ( family member) would also evolve and that we would be able to enjoy a healthy relationship..Taking on board that it was me that desired a connection on a different level not the person involved really hit home.I choose to carry on evolving and let go of the need for the other person to change. I thought I would feel guilty or miss the person,but I feel free and at peace with myself. Thank you,
    Loads of love Sarah. X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Sarah,

      Gorgeous that you have let go of the need for that person to “change”.

      That is the true meaning of “unconditional love” … I can be a loving person in life and even “love” (respect / allow) you to “be”, without putting ANY conditions on you that you need to be any different.

      Great job!

      It DOES grant freedom.

      Mel xo

  • carol.artlife@gmail.com'
    Carol
    January 30, 2015

    Thanks Melanie for going into the deeper levels on this topic. This is very important to me right now. I too have carried such massive wounds around love and relationships, and have created relationships with males accordingly. I also used my own spirituality against myself, and believed that to be a “good” person, I needed to accept the narc as he was. I was co-dependent to the extreme. The last 15 months have been pivotal in my growth – even though I had done much inner work prior. With QFH, I have been taken straight to the wounds of my inner child and ancestors. Now I have a sense of where I create from – from wholeness or wounded parts. Letting go has been an enormous lesson, as I have learnt that many of my coping strategies (people pleasing, apologising, seeking approval, being good) were my ways of feeling safe, but were also unconscious ways to control the uncontrollable. Love has taken on a new meaning now – it is never about getting love to feel safe and whole, but it is asking myself – is this action, thought, belief, etc., loving to me, to others, to life. I feel a connection starting to develop now with the Source of life – and I have really had to get out of the way to feel this. So, LOA for me now, is linked directly to my own healing or wounds and the energy that these states produce. This is a life work – and things still arise to trigger my childhood wounds. I am now able to meet them with care – like I would a child – and do the necessary healing work to shift the wound. I know that I am changing, and as I change, so does my energy and then so does everything. And, in conclusion – this is what I am really understanding: that life/source wants me to be led back towards unconditional love, and that this is way beyond what the human realm teaches us. Thanks heaps Melanie – you and your work continue to be a huge catalyst. Love to you xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Carol,

      you are so welcome, and thank you for your post.

      I love that you are working the deep inner shifts with QFH and now have so the self-realisation and self-embracing, which is creating self-actualization.

      This is how we change.

      It isn’t until we truly go deep within, find and embrace “what is truly up with me” that we receive the understanding.

      Then we are in the driver’s seat to re-create our lives.

      As you shift out one wound at a time – you are “transcending”, and I can tell from what you have written you are doing a glorious job, because what you have written is coming from someone doing the soul work.

      Beautiful work Carol!

      Mel xo

  • nicoleadamshealthcoach@gmail.com'
    Nikki Weigel A
    January 30, 2015

    Thank you Mel for taking my FB comment and making it clear. So many things you said resonated with me and I now see where I have been keeping myself stuck in a few areas by thinking I was doing enough positive thinking, affirmations, etc. to have it all work out whilst knowing I needed to do the modules in reality.

    I’ve struggled with a custody battle with my ex-Narc for over a year now and I find that the daily conversations with the lawyers as the trials draw closer, they pull me down and I don’t want to spend time doing modules facing my pain even when I know that is the EXACT thing that will help. I just get so tired from juggling the rest that it becomes a balance between self care and healing. But I’d rather make shifts and not be stuck any longer than have this continue.

    Much love,
    Nikki

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Nikki,

      you are so welcome, and thank you for posting it … and being so gracious about me using it here.

      It is so important Nikki to do the shifts when life is the toughest ..

      Then your custody battle can shift …

      “So within, so without”, and that’s why you want the muck out!!

      You know what to do now, and you have a wonderful Forum supporting these shifts …

      Mel xo

    • ao3709w9dp@outlook.com'
      Tiger
      July 21, 2016

      That’s a nicely made answer to a chnnaelgilg question

    • te80c3hk9bp@hotmail.com'
      http://www./
      October 24, 2016

      sev (Norvege) dit :eh eh ca ressemble beaucoup à ce que les cloches ont déposé chez nous aussi au dessus de la couche de neige… de la neige ?!? ouch, ça rigole pas chez vous ! o__Ô

    • kkmk3oshad@gmail.com'
      http://www./
      November 15, 2016

      Inside or outside . . . let the beauty spill forth . . . words . . . thoughts . . . feelings . . . void . . . just enjoy the beauty. And enjoy your time there. You are obviously at a critical high point for creativity in your life. Run with it! Michelle Klauer

    • 8bga3dsxugq@gmail.com'
      barclaycard kredit für selbständige erfahrungen
      November 23, 2016

      That’s a smart way of looking at the world.

    • dmanb0lm9r7@gmail.com'
      http://www./
      December 30, 2016

      What are the chances Ari? It's a great shot, a great look and a great story. Elaine has always done her own thing and its wonderful to see that she's still got it.

    • t8hw4h3qqs0@gmail.com'
      http://www./
      January 30, 2017

      Wow – you must be superwoman! What great things and such a productive weekend. I need one of those but just can’t get motivated enough. Once the fire’s lit I just want to snuggle!Cathy X

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne Spiers
    January 30, 2015

    I am happier than I think I have ever been. I have been working very hard on my healing for the past two years or so and many things in my life have changed radically. I have had to clean lots of inner stuff out and clear it. Bit by bit, that has happened and I can see that I am making progress. feel like a different person these days and am more accepting of me and where I am in my life.

    The thing that I have struggled with the most, is in understanding my addiction to the narcissist in my life. I have finally discovered on a deep feeling level that it feels like a longing or a wanting to have contact with this person although I realise on a cognitive level that whenever the real person has been in my space it has been just awful. I have tried taking this stuff into the modules and it has been very confusing; totally confusing to me and very frustrating because I could not make the connection!

    Finally I have my answer. With a combination of doing some modules, and specifically Number 9, over and over, as well as some of the others, and during a session with my kinesiologist, we got to the original wounding that caused me to become addicted in the first place. It came in when I was 17 years old. So much happened at that time in my life and it was a very painful time. It also related to the death of my father when I was 9. What I did when I was 17 was to begin to pull in men as a distraction to feeling all the pain inside me. When I could be distracted then I did not have to deal with my pain. The other mystery was my sense of responsibility for others. That was the one thing that kept the N in my life there for as long as I did.

    I also had 2 dreams that were quite profound. In the first one, I was sitting on the toilet and so much s..t came out. It kept coming and coming and it came out with ease. So much of it!

    In the second dream, it was about a well-known Australian comedienne. She is a vibrant personality and is very funny and lovely. Denise Drysdale was in my dream and there was a man trying to wound her and kill her off because she was saying things he did not like and she was expressing her truth. He wanted to kill off her vibrancy and sense of humour.

    These were the keys for a recent major change in my life about which I am extremely happy. All the s..t coming out meant that all the energy blocks caused by a lot of repressed negative feelings and false beliefs were able to be released easily and there were a lot of them to come out. My feminine self was being attacked and killed off for speaking my truth. I was beginning in my outer world to speak out my truth but I was not so confident. Suddenly I have felt a lot freer and have been speaking out my truth. Many people have not liked what I have shared but I am no longer afraid and have been able to support myself a lot better. I am also being able to integrate the adult me who has achieved so much in my life and am beginning to value and own who I am; a very creative, lively, wonderful, funny and vibrant woman who has achieved a great deal.

    I am in the process of understanding more about creating the sort of reality that I want to experience and it is all coming together. I am working to get in touch with what I want to create and when I have an idea, I am learning how to manifest that idea into real terms in the outside world.

    Until recently, I only attracted toxic men as romantic partners in life. Now I am freer and learning to care for me better, I think I am also in a position to be able to attract more and healthier men into my life. I feel different inside and am very happy with all aspects of my life. The main thing at the moment is to feel when I have that tricky addiction sneaking up. At least I can recognise that it is not love, but an addiction and wanting for a fix that I am experiencing. The other thing that I am doing is seeing what it is that I would want my ex-b to give me, or what we would share and to see if I can create that thing all by myself.

    All that being said, 2015 has started off really well. I am N-free and toxic people free, happy in myself and my home and my life. I am not sure what my next adventure might be, but little bright red scooters have been entering my consciousness more and more and perhaps some lessons in riding Vespas might be in order. Just a thought!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Suzanne,

      I love that you are finding the keys …

      When we really want them – they do come, but sometimes it can be timing … there can be quite an onion to peel.

      I have found this year is a massive year of core breakthrough “findings” … I am seeing it over and over again with myself and clients, in ways that are thrilling me.

      We absolutely have the ability to powerfully evolve now – we are supposed to be-come “heaven on earth”, and I believe that energy is more available than it ever has be.

      LOVE your idea of the Vespa, if it feels right for you, go for it!!

      Mel xo

  • lina126y@hotmail.com'
    Strongwind
    January 31, 2015

    Hi Mel,
    I so related to what you wrote on the LOA and your personal story. I use to be one who manifested in my life and was able to bring about in my life what I desired. This was before coming into my relationship with the narcissist. (I manifested that relationship nearly in identical ways as you did) I thought that my relationship with the narcissist was my reward for all the years spent efforts and patience. I believed, like you, that God had finally blessed me with this seemingly perfect partner who loved me and valued me. His abandonment, betrayal and abuse almost killed me. I was left not only traumatized but also unable to manifest anything good in my life. No matter how hard I tried or prayed, the feelings of love, gratitude and positiveness did not surface naturally. I thought that God somehow had hid his face from me. What you wrote opened my eyes and helped me see that no amount of “positive thinking” can ever work in the LOA for blessing in our lives…Not until we give attention, heal and release those wounded parts that reside in our subconscious, they will continue to show until we can no longer deny them. Thank you Mel for all your efforts and compassion.

  • lina126y@hotmail.com'
    Strongwind
    January 31, 2015

    Hi Mel,
    I so related to what you wrote on the LOA and your personal story. I use to be one who manifested in my life and was able to bring about in my life what I desired. This was before coming into my relationship with the narcissist. (I manifested that relationship nearly in identical ways as you did) I thought that my relationship with the narcissist was my reward for all the years spent efforts and patience. I believed, like you, that God had finally blessed me with this seemingly perfect partner who loved me and valued me. His abandonment, betrayal and abuse nearly killed me. I was left, not only traumatized, but also unable to manifest anything good in my life. No matter how hard I tried or prayed, the feelings of love, gratitude and positiveness did not surface naturally. I thought that God somehow had hid his face from me. What you wrote opened my eyes and helped me see that no amount of “positive thinking” can ever work in the LOA for attracting blessings in our lives…Not until we give attention, heal and release those wounded parts that reside in our subconscious, they will continue to show until we can no longer deny them. Thank you Mel for all your efforts and compassion.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Strongwind,

      I am so glad you related to my story, because I truly think many of our stories were: The “love” we could feel personally was not authentically anchored into, embodied or flowing…

      Showing us we were not quite the vessel of “love” that we need to be!

      That is wonderful that you are shifting the wounds in order to be your natural True Self state of “love”, which always is our relationship to Source / self first …

      You are very welcome Strongwind 🙂

      Mel xo

  • babsdrmac@gmail.com'
    Barbara Drmacich
    January 31, 2015

    Your inspirational and deeply profound understandings of confrontating our deeply hidden inner wounds has led me in return to an immeasurable amount of personal inner growth and healing.Thank you ox.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Barbara,

      I love that you are feeling free and that you are expanding …

      Bless dear lady, and you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • chikanildi@hotmail.com'
    Ildi
    January 31, 2015

    Thank you so much Melanie. I find it quite amazing that so often I have a question in mind and very soon I get an answer from you in an article just like the one above. 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Ildi,

      you are very welcome.

      Synchronicity is a beautiful divine thing!

      Mel xo

  • Claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    January 31, 2015

    In my faith journey there have been so many times when verses like, he who wants to save his life must loose it, and, the person who fears is not made perfect in love and so on, have baffled me as I have grappled to understand them. But where they are now taking hold in my heart, is in the practise of looking without fear or self judgement at where the egoic parts need to die, in order for the real me to live. I am facing some really awful things in myself. So painful to see where my egoic painful parts played out in my relationship with my own daughter. It is taking real courage to own without condemnation. Without condemnation is so important because fear punishes and is not love. This, I see with hope and dedication, as the path to love..Seeing, but with no condemnation, just humbly owning all of me, I am attracting more reality to emerge . I once was blind but now I see. Another verse, father forgive them for they know not what they do. When you ask God to let you see and know, there is a dark night of the soul, but joy comes in the morning. I am tasting that joy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Ruth,

      the true power in the journey of “transformation of self” is absolutely about embracing self without judgement.

      I love thinking of it like this “we were programmed into egoic states” … and we were highly susceptible to this – or world is modelled on fear, survival, competition, lack.

      It’s never about “blame” and “fault”, its about evolving our consciousness.

      You are doing a wonderful job Ruth … and the results are showing …

      Mel xo

      • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
        ruth
        February 1, 2015

        wow…just a great big yes to all you said. I’m getting it. Mercy and grace cover me as I uncover me in my darkest places. Yes, survival, fear, lack, permeate the world…and they are bondage. I feel as though I am being re-born, as the work I have done in partnership with God through community has re-parented me. I am present to just how darn thankful I am for everything. I’m getting a life, clarity, and a stand. It’s not perfect, but it is real. Bless you, dear woman, with love.

    • h3u0la9tyy@outlook.com'
      Allie
      April 30, 2016

      I think, or I hope, that you mean ‘dyeing’ marstucfurena, and not industrialists taking their last breaths!A lovely photo though, and one that seems quite familiar from many other French towns and cities that have used water in this way. It’s not only pretty but also a reminder of an industrial past.

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    • 066qcru8o@outlook.com'
      editthiscookie.com
      October 10, 2016

      In realtà devo confessare che io mi godo di più la presenza della mia dolce metà in casa quando sto bene che non quando sto male, ma certo in caso di malattia è fondamentale avere qualcuno vicino. E comunque se fossi solo pagherei per avere un'infermiera come Arianna 🙂

    • cap1s64e@yahoo.com'
      http://www./
      November 14, 2016

      curieux que quelqu’un qui se mettra à plar ventre etc…soit « dangereux » ; il est vrai qu’il l’est plus quand même que Mélenchon !

    • k4pu5krb5dl@gmail.com'
      check to see if a car is insured
      January 18, 2017

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  • mmcloughlin1@cox.net'
    MIchelle
    January 31, 2015

    I am fascinated by this topic and always like to have your share your explanations Melanie. I am also interested in reading/watching The Secret, which a couple of people have mentioned. Is that a book or a movie….who is the author?

    I have also been thinking a lot about this comment from your FB page last week when you asked for thoughts on LOA….(See below). Wondering what your thoughts are on this viewpoint..

    “The law of attraction must have an opposite (repulsion) and must be a natural phenomenon if it exists as a natural law. But the concept is popularly used as a rhetorical trick to persuade people that life can be an endless series of miracles and blissful experience. Life’s not like that. It’s not just good times. And there’s no failure in being ordinary. But that’s even harder to swallow than the LOA, for a lot of us.”

    Thanks, and have a great weekend!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Michelle,

      it is a fascinating topic, because it relates to EVERYTHING in our life!

      Rhonda Byrne is the creator of “The Secret” – http://thesecret.tv/

      Ok re the post ….

      My take is this … that L of A is as natural a force as gravity – just not “seen” (agreed) … and yes there would some people using L of A to “promise” wonderful lives – especially I find that as “commercial” when it is the promise of money, homes, better cars etc …

      The truth is we can’t create from ego attachments, it’s not authentic.

      A true master of L of A may have all these things created through success, but realises that none of them grant the master “self”. “Self” is a “state” which is unconditional regarding “what I do or don’t have”.

      True L of A alignment means my life is not a “condition” of what does or doesn’t happen to me via life – it is all a gift, it all offers me opportunity to develop a part of myself, and I am worthy regardless.

      And I know and feel my worth as my connection to Source, regardless of how other people may want to categorise, see or judge me.

      If we can’t accept our own “ordinaryness” then that is a matter between us, ourselves and our relationship with Source, it has nothing to do with others.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

  • tamara.harbar@gmail.com'
    Tamara
    January 31, 2015

    Thank you for this so much, Melanie! This totally clears up what I’ve been wondering about lately! I was working with affirmations years ago, and most parts of my life were flowing with love, light, creativity and friendship and all kinds of positive energies — but my intimate love relationships were not. Like you, I let go of looking for an intimate love relationship, and someone showed up. Like you, I also thought, “oh, this is because I let go…and isn’t he perfect!” Well…the person who showed up *was* perfect as a match for the wounds and shadow side of me, which were anything but cleared and which I am now delving into — finally!

    And a big yes to your closing comment about how not everyone is going to suddenly become their best, positive self just because you maintain a positive focus. Everyone of us has free will and no one will change just because someone else is maintaining a positive vision of them. They are certainly being offered the opportunity, but they still have to do their own inner work, and if that’s not happening, it is truly beyond your control what they choose or don’t choose. The only thing you can do is stay in the light for your own sake — out of a place of pure connection to your own divinity.

    Bless you for offering this clarity, understanding and healing to us, Melanie. True service. <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Tamara,

      what a trip we went on – one that ultimately led us home to the truth!

      That is great that you too realise it is not our job to try to make certain people rise up with us into consciousness, rather, it is our job to focus on our own consciousness and allow others to be whoever they choose to be.

      You are so welcome Tamara!

      Mel xo

  • my_bba@yahoo.com'
    helene
    January 31, 2015

    wat do i want that i think he can give me?
    wat can we share and create together?
    good topic starters for introspection!!

  • bbloy@micro.net'
    Barbra
    February 1, 2015

    I have also had similar experience getting over and healing from one or more narcs thought I was more clear about my self and healed and then bam another narc came into my life. My goal was to find a healthy whole man interested in health and well being like myself. Met an organic farmer homeopathic healer. Got immediately star struck by his great reputation in certain healing communities. Got involved way too fast and over looked all the red flags. Even joked about them. This man was the worst narc ever. He was an alcoholic, womanizer, user and also practiced black magic. I am still in recovery. He has remarried his next victim and still has as great reputation among the healing community while I am now considered to be a pathetic loser maniac. I am still Ina lot of pain emotionally. Then I have now been approached by past narc boyfriend to rekindle out relationship from 20 years ago. Back then I did not know he was a narc. My wounded energy is attracting more men and women who I do not want to be around. I am retreating into just being alone mostly except for a few friends who are basically sick of my company and think I should get past my limitations. Life is really a drag for me.

  • bbloy@micro.net'
    Barbra
    February 1, 2015

    I also know a number of friends who are into the positive energy law of attraction thing and they bug me because it seems like they avoid reality and think they have control over everything in their life. They all avoid me because they think I am too negative so I am basically alone and have no one to talk to even. I do not have much money but will have to find a therapist who wants to listen to me or I just talk to my angels and guides because that is really all I have. The big attraction of the last narc was his 22 acres of land I felt so connected to. I live in a city and need to be out in nature but it is hard for me because I have a big dog that was supposed to be my ex narcs but the dog wanted to be with me. So I have him in the big city. Lots of places do not allow dogs unless they are all ones.

    • beachpad_933@hotmail.com'
      ANNE AXIOM
      February 1, 2015

      I think one attracts narcissists and immaturity because that is exactly what one is at their core – if you go looking deep enough into the subconscious – like ultimately attracts like.
      These issues cannot be rationalized or belief patterns changed by positive thinking, they reside deep in the subconscious – tools such as meditation (committed deep practices) combined with a moral code of living begin to dissolve the gap between the conscious and the subconscious – this takes time – sometimes years until the deeper sankaras (latent impressions of the mind) come up to the surface and dissolve until then one keeps attracting the same over and over again because this is the programming. I would encourage people who truly wish to recover to try a vipassana course its a 10 day meditation course as a way to begin a meditation practice that truly allows one to get to the reality of their own issues. No one else can resolve your issues, this is a solitary journey. I think the information here helps but ultimately it is a journey that one has to undertake alone.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 1, 2015

        Hi Anne,

        that is EXACTLY what the deep energetic “inner” work is that NARP facilitates – going to the parts of ourselves stuck in egoic defences, and illusions. I have written many, many articles about the key similarities within us and the experience we drew.

        Through the use of energetic subconscious shift work, the healing process is much more direct and powerful than just meditation.

        Many, many people in our world, with the level of trauma, pain and destruction they have experienced, do not have the luxury of years of work without dramatic, real, fast and direct relief.

        And this is not what their children and future generations need. We need to “awaken” and we need to do it now.

        All of Life is offering new “ways”, and as a human species we are worthy of up-dated more evolutionary tools, that do not need to be the “ways” of our forebears.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Barbra,

      all of this self knowledge is leading you to the evidence that your inner wounds are not allowing your life to be what you would like it to be.

      The answer is about shifting the inner wounds – otherwise it is more of the same, no matter which way we dissect it, or would like it to be different.

      Only you can make that choice.

      Mel xo

  • cherylcuddahy63@gmail.com'
    Cheryl
    February 1, 2015

    Thank you Melanie and to your readers, I felt like I was going crazy. I had been married to (I think) a narcissist for 23 years ….. when i found out he was cheating i kicked him out…. he cheated on me and our four children with a woman i knew and her daughter was friends with my daughter, he moved in with her two streets away from us, two months after they met…. he never sees his children, his relationship with them is based on texting, etc. etc….. it has been 2-1/2 years and i am still struggling with him coming back and forth in our lives, throwing us away like trash, etc…. they are all over facebook on vacation, at parties, etc….. but when i keep thinking about MY values, I know that his are not mine any longer…. I love my children and family more than anything in the world… and I am starting to love myself too. I treat myself to something just because….. I treat people to things because I WANT TO…. all things he took away from me and was destroying me…..

    I just have to stop worrying about what THEY are doing and just enjoy what WE have become, right? A man who has walked away from his 23 year married, four children and home (which as everyone else probably going in foreclosure) to a woman who has been married three times, has children from different marriages, but yes, probably has kinky sex, and parties… welll that is NOT the kind of man I would ever settle for, so why would I settle for him ever again…. THAT IS WHAT I NEED TO TELL MYSELF OVER AND OVER… so I hope that my law of attraction will continue to open up new doors for me….. I know I am better than I am when I was with him…. I truly believe that, and I truly believe that that woman had to come into our lives to save me…… I was dying with him… he was sucking the life from me…. and now I feel that I am coming back to the old me…. is this law of attraction – i hope so….. i just need to continue on and be strong for myself and my children….

    I love reading your articles and agree they come at the right time in my life and they all make sense…. thank you so much for sharing your knowledge….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2015

      Hi Cheryl,

      the most powerful thing we can all understand, is that it is very hard for our conscious mind to accept a new “idea” when we have subconscious wounds tied up in “what is happening” or “what has happened”.

      Our mind is “tiny” compared to that powerful force.

      How we clear our mind of the pain, is find in our subconscious the wounds attached to “that symptom” and heal it by shifting it.

      Simply “thinking” the positive new direction takes huge amounts of effort and repetition (without defaulting back), whereas there is a much faster and more direct way.

      I would thoroughly suggest the NARP Program to take it to a level where you can do the work directly and not need to keep monitoring your thoughts every day …

      Mel xo

    • 9pd76q48zr@mail.com'
      Eddie
      July 21, 2016

      It’s great to find soonmee so on the ball

  • scottstirling@gmail.com'
    Scott Stirling
    February 6, 2015

    Freud and Jung certainly agree with you on the power of the unconscious mind and the difficulty of accessing it or transforming it through direct conscious examination.

    I’m working on my narc recovery stuff still, and sometimes just sharing stuff that your thoughts and writings bring to mind.

    There is a simple and empirically demonstrable principle that I think can account for much of what is observed and declared as:

    “The Law of Attraction principle is ‘whatever we focus on increases in our life.'”

    That is: “The focus of attention determines the content of awareness.” (Cheri Huber)

    What we focus attention on does not always increase. It may decrease. It may not change at all. But we will notice *whatever* it does because we are focusing attention on it.

    But combine unconscious motivation with conscious focus of attention and I think that’s where the LOA seems to be true. There are just so many exceptions in day to day life to the LOA (if I focus on the coffee in my cup, it does not change the quantity of coffee, or, if a child is increasingly abused by a parent no matter how much they try to avoid it, or a tsunami wipes out thousands of people, etc.) that it does not seem to be a law of nature by itself.

    I know you’re on to something and we can only get so far through reason and intellect. I’m working on getting over my intellectual objections by putting them forth, perhaps. Afraid to completely abandon it. Balance is part of what I’m looking for I guess.

    Scott

  • amanda_shabana@hotmail.com'
    Ama
    February 8, 2015

    I am really glad to have found this website.

    I met a guy about 18months ago, and we started ‘seeing’ each other. He lied about his name, age, occupation. It wasnt so much the lies, it was the details of the lies that disturbed me. The life he made up seemed so real; I never would have guessed he was making the entire thing up.
    He claimed that because of his profession, we couldn’t be in a relationship. I found it weird we would meet up late and have sex, but for some odd reason, I was so captured by his personality and charm. It was like he blew me away instantly.
    He knew I wanted a relationship, and wanted a future. He told me, no wasn’t no, but he takes time to get to know someone properly, but nevertheless I ‘ticked all the boxes’.

    Then suddenly, he started disappearing on me. He would stage a drama that didnt even occur e.g. me calling him ‘rude’ and then say we had to stop speaking. I would get so upset because he would make it seem entirely my fault; but it didnt matter what I had to say; he wanted nothing to do with me.

    Weeks would pass and then he would resurface, with some sob story about how he had had an operation, or he didnt get any of my messages ect. But i was always so glad he had ‘come back’, I acted cool and calm as if nothing bothered me.

    I later found out he lied about his name through facebook, and saw that he had a girlfriend of 4 years, who had the same name as me!!! I was shocked and horrified. Oddly, i continued seeing him and didnt say anything. I know it was wrong, but i didnt want to lose him; even if that meant going into denial.
    However, his behaviour continued so I told him I knew. I also told him I wanted to tell her. He then said we could have an agreement because apparently ‘he cared’. We continued seeing each other, provided I gave him space when he needed it. However, i later fell pregnant and had to have a termination. During this time he was with his girlfriend and her family playing happy families. He forgot entirely the date of my abortion and called casually talking about himself.

    That changed me forever. We were downhill from there. Arguments, problems, me telling him I would tell his girlfriend, him saying he would treat this as a relationship and be open to feelings.
    Anyway I told his girlfriend, who broke up with him. But I became pregnant again, despite being on contraception. Me and him spoke, he said he wanted ‘a clean slate’ and to work on us. But i didnt buy it. He didnt contact me at all, apart from making sure I had another abortion if neccessary.

    My scans at the clinic werent showing anything and i didnt want him there as i didnt trust him. I told him i would try and be positive and hope all was okay. And suddenly he called and said he wouldnt speak to me again as his parents didnt want him communicating with me. He blocked me entirely on his phone. I had to leave a voicemail to tell him a further clinic appointment showed my pregnancy. he called me back but i told him i would deal with it and to leave me alone. However the situation was so bad, that i called him again anyway and left and voicemail telling him i didnt know if i could do this. I was in absolute bits.
    It has been 3 weeks and not a sound from him. I am in an absolute mess. Im blocked, despite my situation. Its like nothing matters 🙁

  • nadinebernacki@yahoo.ca'
    Nadine
    February 8, 2015

    Dear Melanie,
    I am glad you wrote this article. I have been avoiding doing the modules since I discovered the LOA and now I am hitting the wall again. I have been feeling just awful – depressed, powerless, judged, unimportant, not enough, lonely, bored, disconnected, lost, without hope or joy.
    How do I decide which module to use when I get like this? I have all your programs. Should I just keep working through the SEC or NARP or the FOOW over and over one module at a time or is there a multi-purpose module I can use for when I just feel bad?

    • nadinebernacki@yahoo.ca'
      Nadine
      February 8, 2015

      Because I had done the NARP program quite a while ago I hadn’t heard the pre-module 1 recording. I found the answers to the questions I had there – using Module 1 for pain if not immediately identifiable to a specific module. I have been avoiding my pain and trying to make myself feel better, or trying to ‘identify’ with my mind the source of my pain and as a result things have been going off-course. I also haven’t been doing very well with self-care lately. It was my Narcissistic Mother’s birthday two days ago. I have been no-contact with her (and my entire extended family) for 2 years and 4 months now. Since I have all of the programs now, does it make sense for me to go back to the NARP program or should I continue with the SEC on my second go-round?

      Sincerely,
      Nadine

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    February 11, 2015

    To the parents out there, I went through custody scarey stuff also. But with every fiber of me I knew that the kids were safe, and they would live where they felt safe, and with whom they felt safe. There was no other choice. I walked into court balancing two intensely different energies: First the warrior, ready and armed with documentation to support the kids living with me full time, unless and until comfortable living with the ex (at which time I completely support them to be there also) ready and willing to say anything true I had to in public! Second, the priestess and healer, seeking healing for the family first and foremost. It was like being in really deep water and breathing underwater. Happy ending tho! Not that the ex has disappeared, he is still cycling through his stuff. But the kids and I keep getting stronger, I think. I also have so much beauty and love around me now, not much interested in the games, they’re not really real anymore, if that makes sense. Still working on this! Also had a vision that might be helpful to some others, that Michael and Raphael are one, as they were millenia ago, like a coin with two faces. Our age turns to wholeness again, at a higher rung of the spiral. We’re going for a ride here! So the two boys are really one, and we can stand in their divine energies as humans, simultaneously. This helped me in court. Blessings to all –

    Melanie, I keep repeating 10, I am having the most astounding past life visions, that explain EVERYTHING. Skating forwards, backwards and sideways in time. It is so cool! Even so, I still have to take myself by the scruff of the neck and sit myself down, because there is still avoidance sometimes. Did I say… work in progress?

    Scott, you comment about intellect, I like to think of it as balancing the irrational mind and the rational mind (or awareness, take your pick). Personally, as I work on wholeness (work in progress), I like both in balance, and talking to each other. I learn more and do better that way. Does that make sense?

    This article was really awesome, Mel. I like what you write, it feels right! Thank you.

    Love, Val

  • Nena.swick@gmail.com'
    Nena
    February 16, 2015

    This is so overwhelming- discovering Melanie blogs and web site made realize how deep I am in this narcissistic 31 years of marriage – wow so bad I was losing all sense of life – I am so desperately need someone with lots of answers – I don’t know where to start – I work with the man, I’m 24/7 with this. Oh God how do i do this… Any suggestions?

    • ith9ezttc35@outlook.com'
      Stevie
      July 21, 2016

      That’s a nicely made answer to a cheinangllg question

    • i7q4ou36s@mail.com'
      deutsche kfz-versicherung für italien
      October 23, 2016

      Hey – nice blog, just looking around some websites, seems a really nice platform you are using. I’m currently using WordPress for a few of my sites but looking to change one of them over to a platform similar to yours as a trial run.

  • arlinejernigan67@gmail.com'
    arline
    July 1, 2015

    This was a wonderful article, and so far, is a wonderful website. This article in particular, has brought peace to some of my inner questions and “blocks” I have experienced with LOA. Or at least in attracting the things I want.

    I have been studying LOA for years now, and I love the teachings of Abraham Hicks. They make sense, and I have listened to hours and hours of their teachings. They say in different words, what you are saying, but what they rarely offer, specific processes or healing techniques to people, because we are all in different places within our minds, and each of us will require something different to release the resistance to a preferred experience.

    The do say that leaving a person or situation, is not the way to solve and clear a vibrational issue, because it is not about the other person or situation, it is always about YOU. I have also heard them say that sometimes it is necessary to exit a situation, that is causing resistance. It can be confusing sometimes, because we can only hear what we are ready to hear. Abraham speaks to the person in the hot seat, and are responding to that particular persons vibration. When others listen, they will resonate with what they can resonate with and hear what they can hear. Usually in helping one person though something helps many, which is why they have those gatherings.

    Abraham definitely emphasizes the importance of the spiritual as well as the importance of contrast. They never say “on’y think good thoughts, and your life will expand”. The Secret, which mentions Abe, does not emphasize the spiritual, and Ester and Jerry Hicks were only a small part of the making of that movie.. I can’t remember the writer/ producer, but she took what she wanted from Abraham and ran. This bothered Ester very much, but it was not their movie,. (that is in a nutshell, of course) and Abraham nor Ester need me to come to their defense. But they have helped me so much, and are close to my heart.

    I have been in recovery for alcohol and eating disorders for good number of years now, and I attend AA meetings. I have thought at times that the 12 steps contradict LOA, but they don’t, not at all.

    I absolutely must not consume alcohol, and I must take care of my body and eat mindfully, because otherwise, I fall into a momentous downward spiral.

    The 12 steps emphasize the notion of powerlessness, which used to cause a lot of resistance. i now understand that powerlessness is spiritlessness (or total ego gone awry) The steps ask one to closely examine their actions, and to look for true causes and conditoins of the unfortunate life that they are experiencing. We are to as spirit to remove the resistant thoughts and beliefs, that keep us behaving and creating in unfavorable way. The words in the Big Book of AA are challenging to get through, but the essence of what it teaches, the process is beautiful. and it has helped me as well.

    TO A POINT

    Having said all of that, I am really appreciating your generous offerings, because you bridge the gap, of what I have been working on for years, and you exude a truth that I want to know for myself.

    You speak my language, and are telling my story. I feel hopeful in ways that I have not, and I look forward to exploring your work!!!

    My desire to feel love, and to know my worth, as well as the ability to connect deeply with others, especially a man intimately,, and my inability to do so, has been a huge source of pain for me.

    My narc attraction/ addiction makes perfect sense, and I am willing to surrender this aspect, so that I can radiate, and experience what you have described is possible.

  • enquiries@vickirebecca.com'
    Vicki Rebecca
    January 11, 2018

    Wow thank you Melanie.

    6 weeks into recovery I have been so confused to the point of “blaming” the modules for more rounds of obsessive thoughts – then I read something on the forum that made me realise the thoughts were simply resistance. So back to the healing work. My next obsession / resistance was that it was contrary to LOA & despite being a regression therapist (yes) I couldn’t figure it out for myself – own stuff and all that, then thankfully THIS article – 100 thank yous. And apart from it “feeling” right – guess what as soon as I got it and re-committed to the healing – the hoovering started. NC is firmly established and the little sneakily given messages (plastic doll dropped in my garden – call from a friends phone) have been reported to the police but for me it was a bigger message – I am on track and back to the modules with gusto. It’s working – guess it will be complete when the hoover can’t even find my vibration anymore 🙂

    Thank you with all my heart!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 11, 2018

      Hi Vicki,

      I am so happy for you and this breakthrough!

      Thank you for sharing.

      Thrive On Dear Lady 🙂

      Mel xo

  • shatteringtruth733@gmail.com'
    Toni Williams
    January 30, 2018

    Melanie, I have purchased the NARP Recovery Program, I want to do the Quantum Healing to take the trauma out of my body, to self partner my disowned parts, to live my life in full consciousness, no longer in destructive relationships with Malignant Narcissists, or a victim, but a strong Thriver, I want to learn to love my self and be there for me and take care of me, to listen, and understand and grow and become all that I never had the chance to do because of the victimization. I have listened to your Webinars, and read your newsletters, but each time I try to do this I feel nothing, I can’t get in touch with any Trauma, any age at this time. Can you help me please, I really want to do this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2018

      Hi Toni,

      what I suggest to help you is the incredible coaching that takes place in the NARP Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Please know this is a common problem that many people have been through and the lovely and helpful Thrivers and Moderators can help you with it.

      Mel xo

  • shatteringtruth733@gmail.com'
    Toni Williams
    January 30, 2018

    Melanie, I want to do this Quantum Healing, I want to start to learn to love and care about myself. I don’t want to be involved with the Malignant Narcissists, I know that it is a losing battle. Please help me to do this necessary work, to release the Traumas, and reown my disowned parts, to self partner myself and be who I really am and become fully conscious. Im so tired of repeated the past through destructive relationships and being a victim. I know today that I am not a victim anymore and that I did unconsciously try to fix the past through trying to make those who cannot love love and care and stop hurting me. I am a survivor of sexual and physical abuse and mental abuse. I am determined to survive and get better and help others after I recover. Thank You,

  • stacey.taylor@cox.net'
    Stacey
    July 13, 2018

    I also made that same mistake with the law of attraction. I kept using meditation, exercise, positive thinking, healthy food, Etc.to raise my vibration , or in reality, to heal from the pain of the abuse that I had been enduring before going back for more abuse. But the missing piece was knowing that I could walk away and then find healthy minded people to associate with. All those healthy things that I was doing are great but I was using them to stuff down emotions and to heal from the feelings of the abuse that I kept going back to as soon as I felt healed because I didn’t know I could walk away from it because I kept hearing “you can’t change conditions” but if you keep your vibration High then the people around you will respond positively. So every time I would pull away from the narcissistic abuser and do these things to focus on myself I would begin to get stronger, but as we all know that would only encourage the narcissist to reel me back in. Each time I let them reel me back in I kept thinking that the Law of Attraction had worked and that by me focusing on myself and my own vibration that I was doing it right and I was getting what I wanted which was the love from the narcissist. But then each and every time that would be followed by the rejection from The Narcissist throwing me away once again and leaving me blaming myself for not having kept my vibration high enough to keep them loving me. I kept trying to work on my supposed problem of neediness so that I wouldn’t push him away because I thought it was my fault. I kept trying to work on my own vibration and feeling like I had somehow failed. But it was all so confusing to me because I didn’t feel needy with everyone, just some people. Now I know it was all of the narcissist that I attracted into my life that were leaving me feeling needy because of their love-bombing and rejection cycle. We all need love and it was never my fault for being too needy because I knew then and know now that I deserve love just as much as anyone else. I just didn’t yeah I understand how to separate from those who we’re completely uncapable of giving genuine love so that I could go out there and find those who can. When I’m around those who can I don’t feel needy at all. Not because they are showering me with overwhelming amounts of love, because no they aren’t, they are giving me normal healthy amounts of love. But they are not following that up by abusing me so the normal healthy amounts of love do satisfy me and I can also do all of the self-care things that I’ve learned to do to love myself as well.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2018

      I totally agree Stacey,

      Part of the maintenance of our wellbeing is to stop putting our pearls in front of swines to get continually smashed.

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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