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Thank you everyone for your responses to last weeks’ blog How To Overcome Fear And Manifest Your Dreams.

I wanted to see what the response of the community was before allowing the next article to be born…

I know how wonderful it is that we are all so connected together to this collective consciousness of healing.

Within this article I want to simplify as much as I can the Laws of Life and how manifestation works.

Our human experience and the battle between our emotions and logic can be incredibly confusing, and often cause a great deal of anxiety and pain.

Within this article I would like to remove this confusion for you and replace it with the clarity – to help you find the way out of this pain.

Last week’s information was about shifting out of the powerlessness  of staying in our pain and fear to connecting to our inner powerfulness in order to create different results.

This article was the basis of understanding Who We Are on ‘the inside’ creates the direct result of how life will be ‘on the outside’.

Now after writing this article I have realised I can’t provide this information in just 2 articles. It is going to be 3!

This weeks’ article is a deeper look into Energy and the differentiation between our mind and our Inner Being.

The emptier and more in pain and fear we are at our inner, the more destructive, disappointing and painful our outer experience.

If we are vibrating with inner emptiness, pain and fear we are living life unconsciously and destructively rather than consciously and constructively – simply because life delivers the identical results of our inner – and continues to no matter how hard we fight back with the ‘doing’ in order to make things different.

This is not about blaming and judging ourself if this is our present reality. It is simply about observing that everything in the physical Universe is vibrational, which means it is all responding to energy, and our ‘energy’ is our emotional vibration.

If we don’t go to our painful inner vibration to help it heal, our mind gets more and more involved and significantly adds to the pain by trying to force the outside to behave differently in order to create some sort of inner relief.

You see, your cognitive mind (ego) does not look within – it focuses exclusively outwards.

In extreme cases the ego becomes so all-pervasive that a False Self becomes an entity all of its own. Then life becomes a pathological exercise of disconnection from reverence, love and connection to self, life and others – in order to frantically try to force outside results. (Hence the model of narcissism).

The fuller and more content and In-Love we can create our inner the more satisfying, loving and stable the results from the outer world. From this emotional vibration life’s outer results are called forth from a deep gratitude and solidness from within.

Ironically things don’t have to have certain outcomes for joy, love and authenticity to be present and felt. There is an ability to just ‘be’, and not have to frantically grab and force things to fix the agony of inner emptiness. ‘Ships come in over smooth waters’…meaning there is the space within to ‘allow in’ the good stuff from life and it can be chosen responsibly without rushing – rather than poor choices being grabbed as ‘a quick fix.’

When we understand the most fundamental Law of Life –like attracts like – we know how futile it is to have our focus on the outside to try to fill our inner emptiness, and how we need to partner with ourselves to become this fullness instead.

The relief from the agony and anxiety of fear and emptiness is profound by doing so. Not only will we get the stuff we want FOR REAL – we also get to feel great even before it turns up!

Truly win / win all the way!

 

Beingness

Inner contentment is vibrational. It is not just logical concepts, it is a beingness that we must establish deeply within ourself for it to be real.

This is a big challenge for people who have not yet done self-development. Self-development is not something we create through our mind alone – it is a process which we transfer into our beingness.

The simplest way to think of the mind as opposed to beingness is this:

The mind is egoic and focuses outwards. It obsesses about lack and ‘I don’t have’ and tries to focus on ways outside of self to fill the painful inner gaps. The mind (without engaging beingness) creates disappointing, painful and certainly not lasting results.

The mind says “Show me the goods and then I will feel better”..(Conditional powerless living)

It’s certainly not surprising that no matter what the mind does happen to create – enough will never be enough. The mind is NEVER appeased or content.

Your Inner Being knows its fullness and unlimited power. When you are living your life through your Inner Being you know you ‘already have’. You can feel it, know it and live it even before it turns up.

The Inner Being states “I feel whole, full and content RIGHT NOW and am eager for more – and then the goods show up”.

This is true Authentic Power which emanates from deep within WITHOUT having to change outer conditions.

The Inner Being is happy now – and has a true and abiding peace.

Think about this….there is nothing you have ever wanted in your life such as a particular outcome, material item, success, approval, or relationship other than to try to feel inwardly whole, healed and at peace.

Ironically many of these things you did happen to acquire to try to feel better were fleeting, disappointing or didn’t work out – and despite striving for them  frenetically you still don’t feel whole, healed and at peace.

And you may not have appreciated them or enjoyed them when they did turn up. Maybe this was because you were so scared of losing them…

The term ‘sabotage’ comes to mind…

Maybe, just maybe you were trying to put your ‘horse in front of your cart’. You thought these things would bring you the inner state you desired – rather than realising you have the power to BE this inner state and then you will create these things for real as an extension of yourself.

Not because you NEED them to give you yourself – simply because they are an unfolding of MORE of yourself.

I hope you can feel the power in the difference.

The difference is vital – it is profound.

It changes everything…

You may be starting to realise – if you want to live your life from a position of Authentic Power and be authentically happy, it means turning your perceptions and beliefs about life around 180 degrees from ‘the ‘outside in’ to ‘the inside out’.

 

Do We Grow Or Not Grow?

Life responds to our vibrations accordingly…

Powerless living creates more powerlessness.

Authentic power creates authentic results.

If we are living our life through powerlessness not only are we not getting great results, we are also not growing or personally evolving.

The reason being the egoic cognitive mind does not seek within. It is outer focused and it blames its stresses, pain and fear on the outside world.

The most extreme example of this is narcissism. People suffering with narcissistic personality disorder take zero inner responsibility.

If we are committed to living a conscious and authentic inner truth, we observe life and our results knowing life provides vital feed-back as to the quality of our Inner Being’s vibration and we make adjustments accordingly.

We realise it is totally futile holding other people responsible for our negative belief systems (regardless of how they got there), because they are ours and no-one ‘on the outside’ can change them for us – only we can – IF we wish to have different results.

 

What Are Our Unhealed Parts?

At this point we can realise our real goal is to create the solidness, fullness and contentment on the inside as a match for any topic that we want to create real results with.

This obviously means losing the fear and pain that may be lurking inside us (or loudly jumping up and down and screaming).

Let’s call these painful, fearful parts – unhealed parts.

Unhealed parts are very different from healed (congruent) parts which emotionally feel great. These healthy parts harmonise with our Inner Being, with our Soul and with all the desires we wish to unfold in life.

As a stark contrast, think of your unhealed parts as faulty parts in a car which start whining or making weird noises and cause the car to start ‘playing up’.

This is exactly what your unhealed parts do – they create emotion pain (that is how they communicate to you – through sensation) and then your life goes – well – not so well.

What are these unhealed parts exactly?

Quite simply they are fearful and painful beliefs about yourself, life and people. These belief systems are the culprits holding you separated from the good you wish to experience.

In effect the only thing that is between you and what you really want to feel, experience, be and do in life is these inner faulty parts.

Isn’t that awesome to know – that you don’t have to trek all over the planet trying to sort out problems by trying to force things and people to be a different way in order for your life to change.

The ONLY things you need to fix is right under your nose within yourself! That’s SO much more convenient!

 

Egoic Resistance

Your ONLY enemy is within and this entity is your ego.

Just reading this article will be enough to stir your ego up – if it is at the fore of your life. Your ego is a pain body. It loves pain. That is what it feeds off, and it needs separation, drama, fear and pain to survive.

Your wonderful happy life means dissolving your ego and the more and more you work on living through your Inner Being, and releasing your pain and fear the more successful you will be with this quest of slaying your inner dragon…

Until then your ego may dig its heels in and want to hang on for grim life.

This is a narrative your ego may be piping up with…

 “Of course I have those negative beliefs. That is what happened to me! What do you expect me to do about it? None of that was my fault!”

The Inner Being has a different way of looking at this.

“Some part of me originally held a belief which called forth this painful event. I have the power to uncreate that original belief and can now create something more pleasing”.

The Inner Being connection immediately creates an incredible shift from powerlessness onto powerfulness.

Let’s investigate…

The egoic mind has to wait for life to do something different to stop the pain and the fear, and stays in fear and pain until that happens – which as per Law of Attraction simply doesn’t.

This is the model of victimhood.

Or, if the False Self takes over and becomes pathological –  the egoic mind pits itself fearfully and aggressively against life in order to mine and take what it ‘needed’ to try to feel better by force. As per Law of Attraction the better feelings never genuinely come or last.

This is the model of narcissism.

If you wish to try to create your life through your mind instead of your Inner Being, the options aren’t great. Stay in fear and pain without creating better results, or stay in fear and pain and sell your soul, destroying your inner spirit in this futile attempt to escape the pain.

Or…

…if operating from your Inner Being know you have the power immediately to start changing your Inner belief systems which will 100% piece-by-piece start unfolding matching outer results.

This Law of Life cannot not respond – and must do.

Like attracts like.

So now truly – this all gets very exciting, as well as power-ful.

 

Aligning With Our Inner Being

By taking matters to our Inner Being not only are we going to change our life beyond description –  we can ALSO directly address the fear and pain and start to feel stronger, fuller, more confident and even joyous.

And none of this needs to be conditional. It does not HAVE to rely on ‘things’ having to be a certain way.

Can you begin to imagine the joy of feeling wonderful now – even before ‘stuff’ turns up? Can you sense how feeling wonderful NOW is going to increase and create ‘stuff’ even quicker?

Can you sense what all of this is going to feel like and ‘be’ when you get your ego out of the way and start living through your Inner Being?

In next week’s article I am going to explain how you can work out what your Inner Being is up to and how to align with it directly….

I’d love you to share your comments, and your feelings about ego as opposed to Inner Being…

 

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56 thoughts on “The Ego Versus Our Inner Being

  1. I just want to say an incredible thank you for these articles. I am in this grand shift from living in ego into the Inner Being at this very moment. My ego is not happy about it, and tends to scream louder than before. But I am trusting in myself and this healing process. I am very excited for the other side! Thank you so much, this article was very helpful and prevelent to my life. I know many others have benefitted as well. I look forward to next week’s article!!

    1. Hi Maygen,

      You are very welcome..

      There truly is no comparison between living life ‘from the inside out’ as opposed to living life ‘from the outside in’…

      It is so, SO worth challenging the ego, dissolving it (healing the unhealed parts) and gaining more and more freedom..

      I am so pleased you are excited about claiming your true, infinite power 🙂

      Mel xo

  2. Thanks again Melanie,
    This article like your other ones resonated with me.
    I’m living my life from my inner being and have been doing so for the last 2 months, the law of attraction
    continues to amaze me on a daily basis. Life is amazing now and i feel intune with my feelings for the first time in 30 years. There are times when my ego comes into play but I’m recognising this more now and asking myself what it’s about and trying to heal the issue from within. In the past I would never have looked within.
    I have no doubt now human beings are vibrational energy, I’m attracting people into my life that resonate with my energy and this is allowing me to connect with more of myself.

    1. Hi Yvette,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      It is astounding how life starts to ‘fall into place’ when the ego is let go of…and we connect to our True Self…totally magical!

      So lovely you are drawing the people who are real toward your True Self…

      Gorgeous!

      Mel xo

  3. Mel this is a great article. I dream of being in this stage of “living Life” on the inside but think event though I have read all your articles…and have been away from the Nar for 3 years…I am still stuck…not sure where I get started as I keep reverting to my old ways…I really want to heal the unhealed parts…is NARP the best place to start… I admire you Mel and the work thea tyou do.

    1. Hi Dilmar,

      when we are ‘stuck’ it is because we have inner parts that do need to be found and transformed…

      Yes NARP is the essential first step after being narc abused, and will grant you the path to find and release these parts…

      Thank you! Now you can Dilmar be on your way to living life ‘from the inside’!

      Mel xo

  4. Dear Mel, your articles are so amazing and connects me so much to my inner being. They bring tears in my eyes, they are also so insightful. I resonate so much. Lots of love and blessings

  5. Thank you, Melanie, for all your healing wisdom and help from YOUR healed Inner Parts! Your articles help me get in touch not only with my inner painful parts but help to start healing them RIGHT NOW. You are truly a blessing to us! Like all the other commenters, I’m very grateful for you!

    1. Hi Molly,

      you are very welcome..

      My inner healing is a journey too – and one I will never get ‘done’ – and that is what is so incredibly wonderful about personal growth is that we can observe every day without exception what parts of ourself are operating as Inner Being and what parts of ourself aren’t…and be able to keep shifting and improving our life and everyone’s lives we interact with.

      It is so important to me to give abundantly to myself first…it is the oxygen mask analogy…

      If I don’t fully love, claim and heal my unhealed parts how can I genuinely love and give to others?

      Please know Molly I feel so grateful and blessed also to be a part of this community…

      Thank you 🙂

      Mel xo

  6. I have left my nar ex husband 4 years ago. Since then, he already has remarried. He is trying to manipulate our 10 year old daughter and replace me as her mother with his new victim. I have always been a very strong person. I constantly have to be on alert of his tactics of not telling me about functions for parents at school (withholding papers that come home from school, putting up with this new women showing up at functions like her mom), all just exhausting. I feel stuck as well as every event he brings her to is devastating to me. my ego gets squashed. Then I get mad at myself bc I know he is a nar so why can’t I toughen up about my own weird connection to this man? I know without a doubt he hasn’t changed. He will slowly and surely treat her as badly as he did me, but I don’t have inner peace? has anyone else been here? I want to move on with peace but still get emotional- it has been 4 years. when does it stop? I talk all the time to myself the rational thoughts but the emotional ones seem to rule no matter what I say. I really need help with his. it is affecting my daughter when I “lose it”. I try to not cry in front of her but the last time it was too much for me. I have to attend her functions and I want to but he would never consider my feeling here if I asked him to keep it just Mom and Dad. it would just fuel his ego and he would enjoy that it hurt me. Any suggestions?

    1. Hi Jocelyn,

      as with every person who has been narc abused intense torment happens with the parts of you which are susceptible – these are your unhealed parts…

      The narcissistic abuse phenomenon is an incredible series of ‘events’ where every fearful or limited throught we have had about ourself, life and love is smashed to our attention – that is what narcissists do…they hit you very ‘accurately’ at your ‘low’ points.

      You are 100% accurate that the unhealed emotional wounds (especially if ‘deep’ and ‘big’) respond very poorly to logical direction.

      The logical mind is far too limited to address these subconscious unhealed parts.

      My total suggest is do the inner healing work. NARP (The NArcissistic Abuse Recovery Program) is the total answer.

      Mel xo

  7. Hi Mel,
    Great to read your post before the weekend. Always inspiring and helpful. I do tend to second guess myself after reading your articles and wonder if I am on the right track. Really delved into module 8 of harp this week and released a lot of fear I hold about the narc. I decided to go full steam ahead with property settlement and have asked my solicitor to do what it takes to clear myself of this man. It has taken me nearly 2years to reach this point due to me being feared and manipulated by narc. I just wonder if I kept clearing stuff, I wouldn’t have to put the boot in so to speak and everything would naturally work out. But it has gone on too long and with me still being tied to him in business without legal protection, I may end up in a more dire financial situation. I feel really exposed and by me not doing anything I think he is definitely taking advantage of my reluctance to push ahead with property settlement.
    Thanks Mel, have a great weekend. Xx

    1. Hi Kally,

      It’s great you are doing the inner work. The second guessing can be prevalant when we are trying to ‘work things out’ in our mind, rather than clearing the confusion (once identitifed) at the deeper levels..

      Seek to identify ‘what’ the second guessing is about – really feel into it and then work with the QFH process to shift…then you will open yourself to ‘be’ much more solid in your trusting yourself with greater clarity.

      I think this is great you are wanting to finalise things and stand up for that…Loose ends are not good energy – and know even if materially you dont come off as well as intended your freedom is priceless, and as an unlimited being claiming her unlimited power – you have the ability to create anything you have lost plus 10 fold again…

      The freedom and space to ‘be’ and ‘create’ is key. And there is NO price on inner peace and wellbeing – as that is the most ‘wealthy’ part of ourself.

      Mel xo

  8. Hi Melanie.

    I enjoyed this article very much. It has helped me become even more aware of my thoughts. I understand now that in order to heal I must do that 180 degree turn around.
    I am wondering what the true purpose of the ego is…is it only for survival, “fight and flight” mode?

    I look forward to your next article

    Jane

    1. Hi Jane,

      I am so glad you enjoyed the article.

      It’s wonderful you are clearly feeling and seeing the necessary 180 degree turn.

      Fantastic question…The answer is quite extensive – but I will try to condense…yes ego is fight and flee – the survival instinct…It is also the part of us which allows us to realise we are not just a collective consciousness (Oneness) and that we have separate identities..which gives us the ability to ‘want’ stuff, think for and choose creations for ourself…(free-will)

      The fact is we ‘need’ all of that to be effectively human..

      Because our total environment shows us the truth of the ‘illusion’ that we are all separate….it is the ego part of us (personality) that we are reminded of every day even though the much vaster part of us (connected to all of life) is in fact the non-physical part of us…and it is the non-physical part of us which is by far having the greater amount of experiences and is in running our life COMPLETELY!!

      Emotions are connected to the non-physical part of us, communicate to us through sensation and grant the pathway (going within) to work out (and adjust if necessary) what we are creating from the inside out…(we all DO even if unconscious and unwanted creations.. )

      The personality is ‘the guy in charge’…and it is only through aligning with our Soul that we can dissolve the parts of the ego which are in ‘me versus you’, distrust, separation, competetion, lack, low self-worth etc.

      We don’t lose our personality – we need to evolve it….and this we can only do by going inwards and working on ourself consciously – and stop looking to ‘the outside’ for the ways to ‘get stuff or people’, which is normal human self-avoidance which prevents taking inner responsibility…

      I hope this answers your question..:)

      Mel xo

  9. Such fab, insightful, empowering articles. Getting that inner peace, connecting with our inner feelings, and getting rid of the damage the N has created is such wonderful relief and inner peace. I am in the true light of life right now and thankyou for so so much help and facilitating me TO JUST GET THIS FAR. NARC’S ARE PURE EVIL AND HE WILL NEVER HAVE THAT HOLD ON ME AGAIN. With grateful thanks for all the help,xxxx

    1. Hi Maureen,

      That is wonderful that you are aligning with inner peace, and releasing the toxicity of the pain and fear…

      It is a wonderful relief, and if we do the work properly (pick up and transform) our unhealed parts whilst releasing the pain and fear – we got to a much higher vibration of living and feeling than even before the damage occurred. That is the true gift.

      Disconnection from Soul and Oneness is darkness..the depths of fear and pain ….absolutely…

      Many of us have needed to experience that level of darkness via narc abuse to full claim our light..

      You are very welcome Maureen 🙂

      Mel xo

  10. Great article. I escaped being married to a narcissist 3 years ago. Then had a relationship with another narc. I knew better to say no and leave after 1.5 yrs and not wait 16 yrs this time. 🙂
    My life is getting better although it has been a huge struggle with little support from anyone.
    Finding your website this year and reading your articles has changed me and helped me heal a great deal. My journey to happiness continues.
    thank you Melanie 🙂

    1. Hi Lise,

      I am so pleased my material has helped you, and you are on your way to freedom.

      What you will find is that when you do the work on and change your core beliefs about ‘being unsupported’ – then support will flow into your life and you WILL be able to receive it unconditionally without fear.

      Mel xo

  11. Yes! 😀

    I am experiencing what I believe to be my ego, or body consciousness or something, is kind of deseperate now and then these days, and there are incidences that I feel sooo embarrased over afterwards, since I say things or focuses on things within moments, that are not really ME.. It lasts for a moment or a few minutes, and then I fully recognise that what I focused on or said is not really who I am or want to be, and I regret it. And then I go a round with difficult emotions about it, before I at last can relax, let go of it and smile of it. And this article makes it even easier to get over these incidents and just keep on moving forwards, upwards, working on the important stuff and focusing on what I really am, and want to be. What I experience is actually completely normal and part of the development, and healing process! Yippee! 😀

    1. Hi NMSD,

      I really do believe that many people are right now experiencing whatever parts they have unhealed. These are presenting themselves so that they CAN be healed…

      We are all evolving whether or not we like it – and it is time for non-authentic parts to be released so that the authentic parts can be claimed instead…

      This is why SO many people at the moment are feeling pout of sorts, and intense emotional pain…especially the old, disowned and previously avoided stuff that is WAY outdated…

      It is time to heal!

      What is SO important (especially with things in repeat trigers)…to go within and claim ‘what is THAT’…and do the work on it to heal and transform it…

      Then it doesn’t have to keep repeating OR getting more and more painful…

      If that is your process NMSD then you totally ARE ascending and going with yourself and energy the way you are intended to grow and evolve.

      That’s you key to becoming a more complete and infinitely powerful being…

      Great post!

      Mel xo

      1. A-ha! Exactly! I shall go straight on QH sessions with those issues, or at least take notes, and do QH as soon as possible while the memory of the trigger is fresh. It is after all the exact moment the weeds are visible, that it is possible to grab it and remove it with its root. If I pass by them, I loose them of sight, and will have to see them pop up again and again, until I manage to remove them.. A-ha! 😉 :lightbulb moment:

        THANKS.. I heart this!

  12. Hi Melanie,

    Well articulated, it’s tough to describe the ego and it’s function and you do an incredible job of simplifying it.

    I shifted, “my identity takes on other people’s energy” and boy was it powerful. You were so right about how it’s a perfect match! I was hoping you may enlighten me with some other belief systems that you have shifted? Some other more rare beliefs? I have worked on my inner self-esteem and codependency beliefs etc., but I know I can go deeper. Feel free to email me if you prefer.

    Thanks Melanie,

    1. Hi GA,

      thank you!

      Yes that is a powerful shift and I am so pleased you enjoyed the results…it is such a wonderful feeling to be able to feel your own identity, work on it to heal it, and fill it with love and purpose without it being convoluted with outside energy…so freeing!!

      Oh yes! Gosh where would you like me to start? Okay…hmmm yes just tapped into something very big (last two weeks) I know will be huge for you – I will email you Monday when I have more time 🙂

      Mel xo

  13. Thank you very much for all of your insight. I have a question Mel, what is the similarity between the nar and the partner, if any? For some reason everytime I read the blog that question comes up for me.

    Thanks,
    Karen

    1. Hi Karen,

      There is a massive similarity – an unhealthy Inner Identity…NOT being a full, self-loving, self-accepting Source to self.

      It is a TOTAL match…

      And everything about the co-dependency, enmeshments and toxicitiy of these relationships comes from that…

      There are hundreds (at least) sub-matches…

      The ONLY difference betwen ‘us’ and ‘them’ is that the narcissist has completely submerged the True Self and only has the False Self (ego) as the operating function.

      Our True Self is horrifically damaged but still exits, and we can drop our ego (outer focus of blame on the narcissist)and go to our True Self and rescue it, and create it as we had never DONE before, which is as a true healthy Source to Itself.

      For many NOT doing this is no longer an option – as it may be the ONLY way to heal from narcissistic abuse – nothing else is powerful enough to get out of the intense projections of narcissism, pain, fear, internalised ‘black ink’ and demise of ‘ourself’…

      Hence why the inner work on ourselves is vital.

      Mel xo

  14. Hi Melanie,
    Your newsletters have helped me to understand so much about myself and the ex-narc, I just want to thank you. Melanie I have a question and I am hoping you can shed some light on for me. Every since I got rid of the ex-narc I have been feeling a great deal of fear, I am always looking around when I am away from home, the only place I feel safe is at home and I don’t understand why. Can you and will you give me some input on this? Thank you again Melanie.

    1. Hi Janet,

      What you are feeling is the most common symptoms of narcissistic abuse – and ones that everyone without exception suffers…

      There are SO many articles in my blog and also in the article section and my free eBooks which explain.

      I would suggest you do some reading and it will all become very clear for you.

      Mel xo

  15. Yes, it is so much more relaxing to focus on what is happening inside me and doing the necessary inner work to make me as full a human as possible. It is true that my inner state creates what I get on the outside. Recently I had a revelation that caused me to calm down and relax and it was this. All I have to do is focus on my own self-care in the moment and be fully me and make my life as rich as possible using my own inner resources. In this way, I am nourished through my self-care and hanging out with people who are nourishing. Then that makes a space for all the good things that I desire, to come into my life. As I grow and develop, I become healthy enough so that all that is mine will be created by me and come to me in the outside world; so much better than going out there and trying to make things happen or to get others to be what I want them to be for me. Much better I think, to understand that the power to create exists powerfully within me.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      This is such a lovely post you have written and SO true…

      It is is the ego which keeps firing of the messages of anxiety ‘You don’t have – you have to get out there and get,get,get!!’

      Wow – when we shift all of that stuff out of our being (the deep survival pain and fear) and settle into filling our Inner Being it is glorious to feel, know and start seeing ‘stuff’ show up in our life without the anxiety, reaction and effort…

      It is so simple…ridiculously simple and peaceful when we ‘get it’…FILL and look after ourself lovingly with great self-care and beautiful, loving and supportive self-thoughts, and we automatically start hanging out with (and attracting) other ‘full’ and self-loving people, we eat better, we make better choices, and we start living and knowing ‘Life loves and supports me abundantly’…and the results flow in…

      It is so MUCH more effortless, and then we humbly and gratefully understand just how powerful we are and how connected we are to the Universal Heart and Oneness….

      And again I will say – it is RIDICULOUSLY simple…it is only the egoic pain and fear that keeps us from living this natural state..

      Truly the egoic state is unnatural!!!

      Your post and the way you have expressed Suzanne is masterful and PERFECT! It is clear that you totally ‘get it’…and not just as a concept (which ISN’T application), but as a TRUE embodied knowing. It is clear you have done the work on yourself – and that is wonderful 🙂

      Mel xo

  16. Thank you Melanie for another great article! The timing was perfect and reminded me how much fear itself is a monster we let control us. I was realizing the reason why I let my narc walk all over me for several years… the deceptions, lies, etc. It is because it is easier to continue to believe their smokescreen. Even when there were hints of danger, to let go of the perfect fantasy person they promoted themselves to be requires a huge shift in point of view. When we cease to believe the baloney, then we have to face ourselves and our own internal pain that we assisted in covering up by believing the smokescreen in the first place. And we have to heal it ourselves, because the narc certainly won’t. And that is the hardest part, because eventually we have to let go of the pain as well as the narc person, and sometimes the pain is all we really had in the relationship – cleverly disguised with excuses and blame mind you. Thank you again for who you are and how much you help all of us!

    1. Hi Raeanne,

      your post is VERY on topic, and wonderfully self-aware.

      That is SO true that focusing on the narcissist, and choosing to ignore the self-truth is the ultimate self-avoidance. It is not until we let go of the addiction ‘the narcissist’ and look underneath at our unhealed parts that we are getting to the TRUTH of the matter.

      No-one can ever heal someone else…simply because it was never their unhealed parts…that is why ‘self-development’ is not called ‘other person-development’.

      The only relationships ANYONE is ever playing out is an extension of their relationship between them and themself.

      True fulfilment and inner peace FIRST, and then having the capacity to be a healthy and loving person to life and others is 100% dependent on it…

      You are very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  17. Hi Mel,
    I know when I was talking about evil in my last piece of feedback I was coming from my egoic mind. I know I am a bit depressed anyway but this made me feel bad because My soul family are beautiful , I see them as sunburst yellow and royal blue and my I am presence is very strongly paternal.I think that I have had some horrendous experiences that have left imprints on my mind and they used to influence my thinking alot, I can differentiate better now , enough to avoid the breakdowns anyway.I can really feel my ego right now,I think that I am hiding it or something because not many people like it or sometimes I sense it alienates people from me because of what I am projecting outward but I know it is possible to integrate this with my soul , or at least Astrology has taught me that this is possible, I| think it’s a case of my inner male not really getting along with my inner female , infact I think sometimes they are at war , I need the UN to intervene.

    thanks

    Andrew

    1. Hi Andrew,

      it is very true that it is the ‘trauma’ we experience whether generational / childhood or by proxy that creates the fear, pain and damage – all of which activates the defence mechaisms – the ego.

      This trauma may be all pervasive – underpinning so much, or be lying subconsciously dormant until triggered.

      That is great that you are able to avoid the breakdowns – and truly ‘breakdowns’ will only ever break us down if we go into resistance, instead of allowing ourselves to be loving, supportive, vulnerable and ‘real’ enough with ourselves to go fully in to them to shift them…

      The ‘breakdown’ is always the powerful signal that something NEEDS our attention…to ignore it, grab something on the outside, rationalise it away or project it on to someone else means the ‘breakdown’ will have to keep screaming out for our attention.

      Andrew, know your ego is only your protection device…it is guarding something underneath that feels scared, vulnerable and hurt. In your own time be loving enough with yourself to stop the self-condemnation and lovingly ask yourself ‘what is that defence about? What inside me underneath that defence is hurting?’ You have the QFH tool now – so you can go directly to it…

      When you do and heal it – then all the outer chain recation will cease. You wont be in defence, people won’t judge you, you won’t judge yourself and the whole painful cycle will end…

      The UN does not need to intervene in any shape or form – you just need to get out of your head, and go to you inner wound – and claim the pain with all of your heart and loving dedication to yourself and shift it out.

      Let yourself be vulnerable when you do. Anger is always a cover for sadness, vulnerability and grief…

      Mel xo

  18. Your blog about ego vs. inner being has resonated so clearly with me! After suffering narcissistic abuse about 3 years ago, getting therapy, and cutting off the relationship, I have begun to heal and rebuild my life, but progress is sometimes slow. I now realize my ego was the problem – expecting things to be a certain way. After taking off this past year from work, to get back in touch with myself, I’ve learned some of this on my own, but reading your blog, and seeing the words in print, made everything I was starting to believe (albeit a little foggily) much more crystal clear! It is as if I can feel the chains of past hurts falling away as I learn to trust and love my inner self.

    1. Hi Wendy,

      I am so pleased this article has!

      OHHH yes – the ultimate ego issue…absolutely! Expectations are all a product of the ego – as well as resistance to ‘what is’ and the ultimate resistance ‘I am responsible for EVERYTHING which shows up in my experience – what IS this showing me about my relationship with myself?’

      YOu may want to consider the deep inner work to speed up your healing – it does take it to much more direct and powerful level.

      Mel xo

  19. The “Ego Rush”……I found this quote in my things, I must have written in down, for a reason, it might even be yours Melanie, and if so, I apologize for not giving proper reference…….it says “the ego drains out ones abilities to predict the consequences of ones actions….that fail to make ones radar screen”. Your article in interesting. I know that the N’s work totally on EGO, but as a “victim”, and I will say that I truly was, for 25 years,… am wondering now, was it my own EGO that kept me in such a bad place, thinking I could change the unchangeable?

    1. Hi Teri,

      no that was not my expression…and I totally agree that ego is not accountable, and completely distorts reality and loses perhiperal (connection to reverence / Oneness / others.)

      Absolutely ego is the culprit for everyone’s disconnection from ‘self’. Because the ego is the mechanism that seeks to the outside to fill emptiness and relieve inner pain…and creates the separation from being the creator of a healthy truth and self.

      Mel xo

  20. Hi Melanie. This is a tech question. When participation in NARP.. which I am highly considering, is it downloaded to a device or account? I ask because I use both tablet and laptop. Thanks for all you do!

    1. Hi Raeanne,

      NARP is automatically downloadable to the device you order the Progam from, and then can be transferred on to any device. Our tech support can assist you with any download questions you may have 🙂

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Raeanne.

      I highly recommend the NARP programme. It has literally changed my perspective and outlook on life 180 degrees! It is a method that truly works at a level that reaches the core of our being. If you can I feel you will absolutely reap the rewards.

      Good luck to you

  21. UNBELIEVABLE. Up until 2 months ago I had “no idea” what the TRUE meaning of “narcissim” was…nor “ego” or “inner-self”… Realization of my ENTIRE LIFE being filled with toxic folks (family/friends/relationships)? UPLIFTING. Why is that? …because I realize now…It’s ALL ABOUT ME. NOT “THEM”. ME. I’ve been “walking on egg shells”…since I could remember. It’s “all I knew”. Until NOW. I’m 38 yrs old and have either been in “unhealthy” relationships that I knew were self-destructive…or “healthy” ones-but felt the “need to create drama”…in order to make it seem…”real”. WOW. This article (as have previous ones) has given me…THE COURAGE TO FACE MY PAIN AND FEARS…try and try again to DISCONNECT MY EGO…and…ALLOW MY INNER-BEING (which has always been there literally screaming at me to listen)…BE. Just…BE. THANK-YOU Melanie!!! <3

    1. Hi Stephanie,

      you certainly have had a big and fast ‘course’ in personal and spiritual development and Life Reality!

      I love what you are saying! You are doing the powerful and fast shift from victim into personal power and personal responsibility. In short you are realising that the power to change your life is WITHIN YOU!

      BIGGEST YAY! I have loved reading this…and you are so welcome…

      The truth DOES set us free! 🙂

      Then we just need to do the inner work…

      It must have been your time to ‘come home’ 🙂

      Mel xo

  22. Hi Melanie – thank you for this very timely article. I feel totally worn out as my ego has completely dominated my life for the past few months. The distress I felt from almost two years of hot and cold treatment, game playing then being strung along and dumped has manifested itself into irrational thoughts and behaviour. I have done things I would never have done to get back at him and also his new woman. I feel like I am a split personality, like another person is doing these things. This person has no remorse for doing these things. The other side of me feels sad that I have sunk to such depths and feels morally bankrupt. Ironically I also think I am also evolving into a narcissist. My therapist pinpoints a lot of my feelings and my early life and indeed it is like a needy unloved child has emerged demanding payback. At the moment I am rational but it does not take much to set me off obsessing and thinking of ways to get back at him and to make myself feel better. I have been thinking of doing NARP because I want relief from this torment and my rampant ego. I just want to forget him.

    1. Hi Katherine,

      you are very welcome.

      Yes you are describing your ego going into revenge and payback mode – and you are right that is your ego and not the real True Self you – hence why it feels sooo awful, disconnected and emptied out.

      That is so true that the ‘reasons’ you are acting out this stuff is because of the childhood wounds – your therapist has hit the nail on the head…now what is necessary is to go to these wounds and address them directly…

      The wounds of childhood, and the wounds of what has played out in relationships and significantly this latest one…

      Yes NARP is the answer to address and heal those core wounds.

      I know it is a very painful place that you are in – but it is ALL happening for a very powerful reason which is your evolution back to your Soul and True Self beauty and joy – where all of life and real love awaits you.

      You are not meant to become a narcissist – it is NOT your Soul Truth.

      Mel xo

  23. hello melanie,

    I am thoroughly enjoying your articles having just discovered them 2 weeks ago. I finally split up from my narc husband 15 months ago after 17 years of marriage. I am surrounded by wonderful people- my sons, family friends and neighbours who are all strongly connected to me. I truly believe that all will be well soon. It is hard for me to do no contact although I have detached but because of our 2 sons my husband sees me briefly every fortnight. He cannot bear to look me in the eye and he knows that I am strong. My concern is about the kind of role model my narc is for my sons- that is the main reason I left instead of just immediately leaving for me! What finally pushed me to detachment was his complete lack of care for me when my mum was dying with cancer. It was truly a dereliction of duty. I only heard about NPD a year ago. What a light bulb moment. Since our house has been sold I now have had to issue papers from my lawyer- up until now I was deeply concerned about his mental health and suicide and I didn’t want to push him over the edge. Since moving out last summer he has now lost his job as MD of a large company and has been out of work for 6 months- I feel that a punitive stage is on the way but can handle it because we are nearer resolution and I will soon be free. I am Catholic and I feel a lot of your writing about looking within is really describing a relationship with God and your inner soul. It is a beautiful and divine piece of writing.

    I would finally like to add that after 3 years of a long distance courtship our relationship changed almost immediately after marriage. The emotional neglect was gradual and my lowering of expectations too. I spotted signs but I feel that my faith in human nature and desire to help heal him ( my ego!) sustained me in the marriage. I also had 2 sons and relationship only became steadily worse after they were born. I had strong belief in making a family dynamic work. He was so bereft of love and I was so blessed with love that I felt sorry for him too. I want to find out more about your program. I am already seeing a wonderful kiniesiologist and have chats with my priest as I prepare to have my marriage annulled.

    Love and prayers to all. You are a beacon of hope.

  24. Hi Melanie! Becoming stronger each day ! I am so thankful for your writings. Knowledge is power and doing the work within to manifest change to a positive shift. I am married to a narc….27….. Years. What has made its challenging is he talks your same language …..which made its challenging for me to see the abuse…even thought I was loosing myself through acute emtional abuse by control through religion…financialand emrional abuse

  25. I understand that our triggers are meant to prod us into dealing straight-on with our pain. But, what do I do when I can’t immediately deal with it (for instance when I’m at work)? Since we can’t deal with things on a deep emotional level, what can our mind (ego?) do to hold us over til we can? I find that I end up crying and struggling through the day. I’m really confused…If it’s futile to avoid, stuff, or use our minds to deal with the present pain, what do we do so that we don’t totally lose our day?

    1. Hi Patti,

      that is a great question and one that will benefit many people in the community.

      Okay the number one goal is to NOT indulge the ego and the peptide addiction by going into the obsessing (analysis) over ‘what hurts’…If you do that is just going to make healing and transformation much tougher in the future.

      That is like picking a scab over and over and trying to get a wound to heal….

      The instant gratification of our ego has NO upside!

      So you do need to find a way to manage the pain until you can get to the shift / release of it….

      Affirmations spoken over and over again can help – they distract your ego and help you hold your own space. The great thing about our mind is that it can only think one thought at any one time.

      Something like ‘Patti you are doing a great job – I love you’ said over and over will stop your brain circuits firing and wiring into more victimsation – and start breaking off the cycle of peptide addiction to pain.

      Ultimately the more and more you clear the pain out of your body in healing sessions the less and less pain there will be to ‘come up and hit you’…and the cleaner and clearer everything will soon become…

      That is IF you are very dedicated to clearing the pain.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  26. Dear Mel,
    i have been feeling very confused lately because i find it very hard to just ‘be’ my self around people. I cannot dance, sing or tell silly jokes around others even, specially if its just one-on-one. I cant just say a thing without my mind analysing and scrutinizing it first til i wind up saying nothing at all. Just heartbreaking! I am 31 years old but feel like a baby just learning how to to talk and be around others i am so fearful because i have met abuse yes i allowed it but truly i did not a better way at the time plus i was hanging on be because i did not know or love myself.

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