Melanie Tonia Evans

5 Steps To Dealing With Narcissists In Difficult Situations

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
63
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Trying to deal with a narcissist, challenges every fiber of your Being.

If you’ve tried to manage a narcissist in a difficult situation, you know you’re triggered beyond the point of ridiculous – struggling to be heard and unable to create sense out of the madness.

All whilst the narcissist dances around you tearing up your efforts, emotions, and sanity.

By this stage, you’ve tragically discovered the normal rules of human engagement don’t apply – rather it’s all about the narcissist doing whatever is necessary for them to get their own way.

So how CAN you deal with someone who has NO INTENTION of complying, playing team or doing the right thing?


If you are currently in a relationship that you can’t leave, or joint custody and settlements battles, or ongoing work relationships, or if you have a family member who you can’t go no contact with, you will be placed into certain situations that will trigger your deepest fears.

You will feel minimalised, abused, set upon and soooo helpless and powerless to defend yourself, the people you love and your assets against the narcissist’s onslaughts.

Oh gosh, I HEAR you!

Initially, I went through this horrifically myself – being defeated on every front, helplessly watching my life being torn down no matter how hard I tried to stop it happening!

And I’ve seen what narcissists have done, in this deadly dynamic, to countless other people in this community as well.

Until they, like myself, learned how to turn this entire thing around.

I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have up and close experiences, personally and with so many other narcissistic abuse cases to know how to distil the REAL solutions into the following 5 steps which I am incredibly excited to share with you in this new Thriver TV episode.

In today’s video, you will learn how to become a formidable force with the power of emotional resonance, intention and action combined, against any abuser, no matter how malicious, conniving and slippery they may be.

If you have been TOTALLY bamboozled by any narcissist in your life and feel like you have no ways or means to overcome or possibly even survive what they are doing to you, I know this episode will help immensely.

 

 

Transcript

Narcissists are not easy.

We shake our head, question our sanity and realise that the normal rules of human conduct get spun around and turned inside out – they simply don’t apply.

These people don’t want to comply, play team, come to understandings or do the right thing.

Instead, they are a law to themselves creating mayhem in our lives, hearts, and souls.

How do we deal with them?

Today, I want to lay out 5 clear and precise steps to help you handle the narcissist in your life, regardless of what the situation is.

And, there is another benefit for you from this information. Not only will you grant yourself the freedom from narcissistic insanity and pain, you will also have the graduation opportunity to evolve beyond ever having to deal with narcissists again.

And I really want to look at this in the Quantum Way, because the human logical way can assist, but when we take our understandings and actions – emanating deep from within our Being – to the Quantum Level, that is when we tap into super-powers, meaning enlisting all of ‘everythingness’ to assist.

You will understand why as we go through this today.

And please know these 5 steps can be used for absolutely any challenging and confrontational aspect of your life – when you feel unsafe or confused.

Okay, so let’s imagine that the narcissist has done something or said something that brings up trauma for you. If you are with a narcissist you don’t have to wait long! Those familiar feelings of being unsafe and anxious in your body. Or feeling invalidated and angry, or wanting to retaliate. Narcissists are very good at stepping exactly on our wounds and grinding their heels into them for a reaction.

Let’s get started on number 1.

 

1) Detach from reacting

Narcissists want your reaction, because that confirms to them ‘I am significant enough to affect another person and get their attention.’ As soon as you fall for it – you are right back where they want you – handing narcissistic supply over again. That is the narcissist’s number 1 mission in life.

Don’t go there – instead stop, detach and walk away to gather yourself. Ignore it. The narcissist may push and push and push, but say this mantra to yourself in your head, ‘You have no power over me. Inner being I am looking after you now. You and I are pulling away to work this out.’

Okay let’s stop right there; I want you to feel that statement in your body: ‘You have no power over me. Inner being I am looking after you now. You and I are pulling away to work this out.’

Now, stop this video, scroll down and write how that feels for you – in your body.

So, with the narcissist’s acting out, don’t listen, don’t react and don’t get triggered into taking immediate action. Cool off and calm down first.

 

The Quantum Understanding

Your life unfolds on any topic you are focused on in accordance with your emotional inner energy about that topic. The more powerful the emotional charges that you are experiencing, the more powerful the unfolding in accordance with those emotional inner compositions.

If you take any action (Doingness) from a state of angry, traumatised, reactionary Beingness, then the results of the Doingness will match your Beingness – every time.

It isn’t until you get some rationale and calm within you, and be in your personal solid power, in your body, that you can exact any positive influence for yourself.

There is no place that this rule is more important than when trying to combat a narcissist.

 

2) Know It Is Not Personal

Realise that the narcissist is being a narcissist. They have a mass of unhealed inner traumas, and a False Self at the helm, trying to appear ‘amazing’ and offloading their trauma onto others and blaming them for the state of their own inner emotional turmoil, which is always seething just below the surface and erupting often into consciousness.

The narcissist also believes everyone is out to get them, and anyone who is perceived as a threat to their fragile self-image needs to be taken down.

In the narcissist’s times of lining you up and hurting you, their personality disorder is in charge. It doesn’t mean that you are a horrible person, worthy of abuse or all the things that the narcissist is labelling you with. The narcissist’s behaviour is their stuff, not yours.

 

The Quantum Understanding

If you know that Life is happening FOR you and not TO you, you understand everything that arrives in our life experience, that is wounding and unpleasant, is allowing us to make the unconscious conscious. It is showing us what we have buried within, which we all do with our past hurts and the parts of ourselves that we may not wish to face.

It is unearthing for us that somewhere in our life, previous to this, we accumulated the wounds and the beliefs that match what is in our face now with the narcissist.

When we understand that this is a replay, we can say to ourselves, ‘I bless and accept these feelings of pain, because it shows me what I can release and heal to no longer carry these beliefs, be limited in my expansive expression, or have to tolerate people coming into my life to expose these wounds for me. Now I can evolve myself and move on.’

 

3) Become Anti-Fear

 The narcissists most powerful arsenal against you is ‘fear’. When they can reduce you to fear, heartbreak and despair with their threats and behaviour then you regress back to feeling powerless and helpless like a child, who is overpowered by an adult. Narcissists do not take pity on people in this place, in fact, it energises them to hurt them more.

Unconsciously narcissists project their inner helpless, powerless parts (their broken Inner Child) onto other people and then try to destroy them – because they hate that vulnerability and weakness within themselves.

If you go down into that space, rather then be comforted by him or her, you will be kicked even harder when you are down. In stark contrast when you are no longer afraid, you will see the narcissist unravel into the powerless child that they really are on the inside. They can only operate when you fear them – this is what hands them the bullets to shoot you with.

 

The Quantum Understanding

The narcissist is in our life to help us find and heal our deepest primal fears, because these are exactly the ones that the narcissist identifies within us, pretends to ‘save’ and then turns against us with the full blast of cruel ferocity. So here this is, the golden evolutionary opportunity every soul craves – to finally find and be free of these wounds.

Because that is the only way we rise into the incredible glory of living life, as we were always intended to live it – without them. Take this opportunity with both hands, because when your soul has decided it is time for you to rise into the glory of your True Self, what is happening is not going to stop until you accept this mission that you want more than anything – even if you don’t consciously know that yet.

I promise you, when you get here, you will know it with every fiber of your Quantum Being.

Becoming anti-fear is everything, and doing your diligent inner work is a very powerful and direct way to get there. My Thriver TV episode regarding the fears of CRAP was all about this.

 

4) Show up as your True Self

 The narcissist will try to discredit you and smear you on many different fronts. When things go down with a narcissist their tactics are to divide and conquer – meaning dismantle your support structures, abuse you by proxy and get minions positioned against you. This is especially brutalising when the narcissist enlists the court system against you, in custody and property battles.

The more you try to put out the fires, stop the lies and accusations, exonerate yourself and change people’s minds by trying to expose who the narcissist is and what they are doing – the worse it gets. It simply doesn’t work.

What does work is not defending yourself, rather simply being your truth calmly and powerfully and holding your head high no matter what people say or think.

 

The Quantum Understanding

This is arguably one of the hardest things to do, but it’s essential. We have to get all of the traumas out of our Being that fear persecution, and what people can do to us as a result of what they think of us. So that we KNOW who we are, with no requirement for anyone to believe us. When we are anchored in the beliefs that the truth wins through in the end and all of life loves and supports us, and be in the integrity of our wise and calm self – then SO it will be.

Then we show up without guilt, terror, whininess, desperation or demonising the narcissist in order to try to be heard. We don’t act like victims that then sadly (so, within, so without) continue to generate more victimisation for ourselves.

We simply present any facts necessary calmly, clearly and powerfully and we continue our life and the creation of it. It’s then the narcissist loses power – every time.

This is the truth energetically about all of this: your Inner Being is connected to everything and everyone in your experience. As a powerful Quantum Creator there is (as Neale Donald Walsch says) ‘only one person in the room’.

If you have no fear, nothing to hide and nothing to be afraid of (even if the narcissist uses prior information about you, just own up to it), and if you bring everything into the open, stick to the calm facts, and don’t lapse into fear, anxiety and trauma, then the narcissist will have NOTHING to get you with.

All of his or her attempts will fail. People ask all the time, ‘Can you please hook me up with the right lawyer?’ This I know, when you are the right vibrational self on the inside, then the right lawyer will appear, as well as judge and circumstances and unfoldings.

Please know this showing up as your True Self is also incredibly helpful to deal with anyone in your life who you are having difficulty with. It will also help you distinguish who is totally narcissistic and therefore unavailable for a safe healthy relationship, and who can grow and evolve with you.

My beautiful friend and colleague, Katherine Woodward Thomas, talks about inviting people up into evolutionary relationships with us. How, with a difficult person, we can be honest with them, apologise that we haven’t been honest with them about the difficulties we have been feeling, and tell them that we would love a more loving and honest relationship with them. And then we can be lovingly honest about what we need, and invite them to share with us what they need from us.

If you come from a genuine, healthy space, you will see who has the capacity and the desire to meet you there, and you will know when people don’t have the resources and the desire to. If this person unravels and it is no longer healthy then it is time to decide what you will and won’t accept and back yourself on that. There is no need to bargain, plead, try to cut a deal, play it safe or tiptoe around their madness.

We create our Life powerfully when we stop trying to work out and circumvent what other people are or aren’t doing and just be truthful and authentic without being emotionally fearful and reactionary.

This is the power that enlists all of Life Itself on our side and, in our personal experience, turns narcissists into dust. False Selves cannot exist in a Universe of Authenticity.

 

5) Let go of all emotional ties

 Work at letting go of all the strong emotions that you have regarding the narcissist. Resolve and heal the feelings of loss, love, regret, guilt, hatred, resentment and victimisation. When we still have strong emotions (whatever they are) about a certain person, we are still energetically tied to them, and we are not free to create a new life.

Your emotional freedom must and does proceed every other freedom. The freedom to live, love, laugh, play and create again.

Your absolute emancipation comes when the narcissist is totally benign in your body – when there is no feeling left whatsoever in your emotions. When it feels like it happened to someone else, long ago and you can’t even access the emotional triggers about it, because you have let all of that stuff go – you are TRULY free.

 

The Quantum Understanding

 When you have incredible gratitude for what happened FOR you, and the opportunity and actualisation of your personal evolution, all the players in your life who helped you get there cease to have any power over you.

If there is nothing left to be triggered in your body, then there is no more that needs to come your way. And even before we get there – to that level – we are already graduated beyond having to go through it again, because every time a wound erupts into our consciousness via the narcissist we can say: ‘Thank you! You have just handed me the next clue for what to target in my body, load up and release. Then I will not just be free of you on this point, I also get to go to the next highest level of my incredible and True Self.’

Can you see how dramatically different that is than being catapulted back into the darkness and victimisation of what is happening?

Ok so there it is, the 5 steps: 1) Detach from reacting, 2) Know it’s not personal, 3) Become Anti-fear, 4) Show up as your True Self and 5) Let go of all emotional ties.

I know this journey is hard, it’s not simple, and it’s not for the light or faint-hearted. Gary Zukav, a wonderful spiritual teacher, once said that as a paratrooper sky-diving into armed enemy territory of a night, he was less terrified than what he was meeting and healing his inner being.

It’s true … it’s the hardest, most challenging thing we will ever do. But this I will say, getting tangled up with narcissists forces us to. And I do believe we are never handed any more than what we were up for and capable of, rather it’s our resistance to going inwards and healing ourselves that causes us to get so beat up.

I promise you this: when you turn inwards to love and heal yourself back to wholeness that is when the pain starts to stop and your True Self and True Life begins.

And the bottom line … Warrior and Warrioress Thrivers is this: there is nothing else to do.

So, I hope you enjoyed this video and if you’d like to become that True Self BOSS who no longer endures what narcissists used to do to you, I’d love you to sign up to my free 16-day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a Quantum healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and much more.

And you’ll also get updates via email as soon as each new video is released.

So until next time… I’ve already said it. You know what to do!

Lots of love – bye-bye.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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63 Thoughts on 5 Steps To Dealing With Narcissists In Difficult Situations
  • Carolanndudeck@gmail.com'
    Carol
    April 23, 2018

    Your amazing Melanie I have been through a living nightmare the past 16 months just finally realizing I was married to a malignant narcissist. It was HELL the last 5 years and zero affection I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I filed for divorce! My question is for your next video how do I deal with child alienation? I have two beautiful kids aged: 11 and 16 who are now left in his care and being used as weapons against me. I’m fighting the biggest battle of my life in court but constantly made to look like an UNFIT parent by the Narc. Please I need advice? Thank you, Carol!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 23, 2018

      Hi Carol,

      Aww thank you!

      Carol sweetheart what you are going through so requires support and you getting in your healing and power. Are you doing the transformational work with NARP in our NARP Forum where this real intense recovery work and support and breakthroughs are done?

      I truly can’t recommend these resources enough for what you are dealing with.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Also please know it is on this list a Thriver TV episode about child alienation.

      I hope this helps and sending you love, support and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • corina.jeffreys64@gmail.com'
        Corina Jeffreys
        April 26, 2018

        Hi Melanie it’s Corina iv been doing g the healing for some time now I been on module 1 over and over again, for months now, since leaving in Feb then I broke no contact over a month ago it set me back a bit, but now I feel no triggers I don’t feel ought now for him, I still think about it at times but nothing like I did, does this mean I’ve thrived, or have I just gone numb is this normal, I still want to keep on thriving, I don’t want to think or I’m OK now, I want to continue what do I need to do to keep healing cos I still feel a little lost, even though I’m better than I was, which module can I do to keep meditation on me Thankyou much love Corina xxxx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 27, 2018

          Hi Corina,

          Releasing the trauma certainly does release it. And that’s great you are not thinking about him nearly as much. Please know you haven’t gone numb!

          Corina you are definitely ready to start working with Module 2.

          Are you in the NARP Forum also to get training and help with NARP?

          That will help you so much. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • thankinggod123@outlook.com'
        Teresa
        May 16, 2018

        What a great mantra to tell myself when triggered! As I hear those words, my body feels a sense of relief, confidence and my heart feels peaceful and content knowing I have the ability to be my own best friend. This is so different from when I was still living with my NARC and feeling abandoned and disconnected. Even as I continue to work through the Quantam healings, this takes the healing to another level. Thank you, Melanie!!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          May 17, 2018

          Hi Theresa,

          You are very welcome and that is so great that it does!

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • ljrenouf@aol.com'
      Linda
      April 23, 2018

      I’ve just been and still going through the child alienation situation with my ex. It’s the most painful experience in my life. Melanie’s emailed has been a great start but I feel I have a lot of work to do on myself to except his behaviour and the damage that’s been done to a beautiful relationship I had with my two youngest daughters. My heart goes out to you, I understand. We’re finally in family therapy (myself and daughters only because of course, there’s nothing wrong with him). I’ll be thinking of you, best of luck. x

  • Chereholz4@aol.com'
    Chere
    April 23, 2018

    This is the most amazing and timely post on narcissism for me to date … I’ve felt ready to give up
    On me … not being able to escape or deal in a beneficial way for me … I’m tired of trying to make things “right for the narcissist , I cannot do what they don’t take responsibility for … but I’m on low ebb trying to help myself . I needed to hear all of This I need to hear it everyday but this covered all fields . Many Thanks for talking about what many didn’t realize they were dealing with (me) but damn it’s hard .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 23, 2018

      Hi Chere,

      You are so welcome and I am so pleased that this is helping make sense out of the madness for you.

      It is so hard, agreed until we find the direct way to unravel and heal all this deeply within ourselves.

      I’d love to connect you to my free inner transformational information which is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Sending love and blessings Chere.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • swanberg@wisc.edu'
    helena
    April 23, 2018

    Aha! Just the suggestion to detach from thinking about my N’s reaction — I felt clean and centered, like I remember feeling at age 10 or 11. Thank you!!

  • maniclas@yahoo.com'
    MaryAnn
    April 23, 2018

    Hi Mel,
    I have been talking to the young one inside of me for awhile now. In another episode you suggested saying to one’s self, “MaryAnn, you are safe. You are loved. I have your back. I love you and I know we will have a good life.” I find that incredibly helpful. So, in response to your request that we stop the video and say that positive, connecting mantra, I feel connected to my young one and steadier when I say that. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 23, 2018

      Awww Maryann,

      How gorgeous you are connecting to and supporting your Inner Being.

      Thank you for posting and so much
      Love to you!

      Mel 💖🙏❤️

  • mblocke66@gmail.com'
    Mary Beth Locke
    April 23, 2018

    I’m so ready for this. The narc knows I’m about to file for divorce. He’s hoovering, wanting to go back into marriage counseling…even willing to meet with my counselor (who he hates because she calls him out on his crap). I am going to file for divorce as scared as I am. I have got to end this toxic relationship.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 23, 2018

      Hi Mary Beth,

      That is great you are ready. Sending you power, strength, courage and incredible breakthrough!

      You’ve got this!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • piglet8791@yahoo.com'
    Cat
    April 23, 2018

    Thank goodness for this powerful and timely video. Been using the program for two months now. Still in contact with N. Due to property settlement stuff. But also his cancer diagnosis, plus isolation in a foreign country, no family, making it difficult to detach. Making lots of progress. Question I have is, is it common to experience more intense situations the closer one gets to healing? I am seriously thinking of tattooing your five steps on my arm! Haha! Thank you thank you thank you!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 23, 2018

      Hi Cat!!

      Haha love your sense of humour in amongst all this. That’s great you are working NARP sweetheart!

      Oh yes 100 percent the breakthroughs come as a result of breakdowns.

      Please know Dear Lady every time you uplevel with Module work past a fearful situation you turn powerful corners more toward your True Self.

      You are ready that’s why they come.

      Keep going you truly are going to make this Cat.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    April 23, 2018

    ‘The more you try to expose … who the narcissist is and what they are doing – the worse it gets.”
    That is absolutely true.
    “We simply present any facts necessary calmly, clearly and powerfully…”
    That’s absolutely true, too.

    But, how do you reconcile the two? I answer to a small group of men in a community role. I don’t see anything I can say to them without broaching the topic of emotional manipulation (it’s been cruel to watch at times). Initially, I said nothing because I would have ‘lost’ – she had them at the height of euphoria over her charms and abilities. Over time, they have grown a bit tired of her bossiness and unreliability – but they haven’t twigged to the covert stuff she’s been pulling on me.
    I’ve handled it by letting nature take its course while trying to make this role work for me – which means basically going dark and doing the job on my own equipment (she is, of course, withholding upgrading the public equipment as long as possible), and putting the small expense down to hobby expenses.
    But, I don’t want to stay in the dark forever, either – with them or without them, I’d like to come out and shine eventually – I just don’t see anything much I can communicate to them without playing ‘mother’ in some way.
    I’ve never had a narcissistic experience from which I haven’t walked away with one of Life’s Great Lessons. I can’t find the lesson here. I always thought of assertion as being speaking up. Sometimes you assert your self better by doing and being, not speaking at all. Maybe that’s the lesson?

    Excellent article.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 23, 2018

      Hi Lucy,

      That is an excellent question.

      I’ll share with you the key that I believe is fundamental.

      The struggle we have in speaking up effectively, being heard, or even being triggered into thinking we need to speak up, or the trauma of the terror of what may happen if we do, is all do with unresolved trauma.

      This all is of course means ‘confusion’ and is totally understandable!!

      My belief is that, without exception, the narcissists antics (or really any uncomfortable situation) is to do with ‘so within, so without’ because the outer event is showing us what we can meet and release inside us.

      When we do that, then we organically know the healing lesson as well as what to do about this or not to do about it.

      There are deeper and soul evolutionary lessons that we simply can’t assimilate cognitively, it takes the inner self partnering to process through to a cellular transformation.

      Gosh, I hope that makes sense! It really does need to be experienced at that level to be understood.

      Your situation is possibly such a case.

      Maybe come into my free webinar to experience the clarity an inner shift can bring you: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this can help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • jac.lea@westnet.com.au'
        Lucy
        April 23, 2018

        Thank you. Yes, confusion is a word I can work with.
        Have registered for a webinar. Always the same trauma, over and over. It left me basically mute until my ’20s, so I’m not complaining about how far I have come – but would be good to get on top of it.
        Thank you again.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 24, 2018

          My pleasure Lucy,

          And that is so great you are joining me in the webinar.

          It’s your time Dear Lady 😊

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • det_nagels@hotmail.com'
    Lizzy
    April 23, 2018

    Thanks, Melanie, for the videos and the good advice you give… Do you have an advice for this situation? When your mother is the narcissist, and now that she is old, needs help. How she treated me as a child, made mewho I am now: insecure, afraid to get hurt, trying to do good things for everyone else while forgetting my own needs, not able to defend myself, hiding away from the world,.. I even had to stop working because i wasn’t able to set borders and I ended up with a burnout followed by a depression. So it seems to me that going no contact would be the best for me. For years I only visited her on sunday afternoon, from 5pm untill 8 pm. I didn’t react on her angry tirades, i tried not to show anything about myself, because as you know anything you say can and will be used against you…. But every sunday I would feel so bad, so unlucky, whole day, because I had to go and visit her. I should not go and protect myself. But in the same time, I see an old, sick woman, who needs help, is very unhappy, has noone who cares about her because she ‘s not able to have a real relation with anyone. But I am her daughter and feel responsible, feel like I am a bad person if I don’t take care…
    I had a relation with a narcissist and got away, freed since a year, now having a finenew relation with soneone really loving and caring. But now I would like to find a solution for the situation with my mum, as it seems to me I would be really free to live life, and feel strong instead…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 24, 2018

      Hi Lizzy,

      It’s my pleasure and I so hope this helps.

      You situation is difficult but truly this is about you being true to you. Then you can be true to everyone – including her.

      This resource may help: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ojLNKN-KNF8

      That is wonderful that you have come so far Lizzy! This is just the next step.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • rachheaton@gmail.com'
    Rachel
    April 23, 2018

    “You have no power over me. Inner being I am with you now. We are pulling away so that we can work this out”
    What I am feeling in my body

    I am feeling alone and frightened. I am feeling strong and worthy. I am feeling hopeful. I am feeling many things…
    I am feeling unsure and a lot of energy moving upwards, karma leaving. I am witnessing .
    I am feeling injustice and rage and a young girl inside that doesn’t think its fair. That doesn’t feel heard and desiring support.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 24, 2018

      Thank you Rachel,

      For so honestly showing up, tapping in and replying.

      You absolutely self partnered and felt the truth of what is going on in your inner being, which is the true gateway to our healing.

      Are you signed up to my free resources to access my transformational inner healing?

      I’d love to help you achieve that Rachel http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free course

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
    Laurie
    April 23, 2018

    So far it feels great to hear those words : You have no power over me, inner being I am looking after you. now you and I are pulling away to work this out. That feels really good, but it’s hard to walk away when they’re in your face and they will not get out of your space so you can at least walk away and gather your thoughts. So I think it’s very important to memorize this in case you can’t get away together your thoughts !

    • lydiachikumbi@gmail.com'
      lydia
      April 23, 2018

      Hi Laurie

      There is always a way out. Be it spouse, parents, sibling, friends. It may sound impossible but once you are healed – through quantum, you will be amazed how easy it is. I’m a living testimony

      all the Best

      lydia

      • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
        Laurie
        April 24, 2018

        Thank you Lydia! I will take any suggestions that you have because I’m having such a hard time. I feel brokenhearted at times, confused and every other feeling you can feel This is not somebody I just met I have been with this man more then half my life. And he just confuses me and always has and now I see it and I confront him on it and of course he doesn’t like it, he’s very controlling and there’s times when I try to do the modules and I cannot concentrate at all. I don’t know if it’s because of the multiple sclerosis or what it is I just cannot concentrate. So please since you’ve been a member for a while if there’s anything you can suggest I would greatly appreciate it. It really sucks when you love somebody so much and you find out who they really are. It actually kills your soul. I actually feel more confused than I did before now knowing who he is and what he is so when he tells me things like how much he loves me and any compliments or whatever he says I question it. I’m so hyper vigilant now it’s ridiculous and I wish I could stop it. But how could somebody stop that way now you know who they truly are.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 24, 2018

      Hi Laurie,

      I’m glad it helps. It certainly is a tool to pull away and not bite on the hook.

      Ultimately our complete indifference comes when we heal our inner being beyond the abuse.

      Wishing you strength, healing and power.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
    Laurie
    April 23, 2018

    Ok So far it feels great to hear those words : You have no power over me, inner being I am looking after you. now you and I are pulling away to work this out. That feels really good, but it’s hard to walk away when they’re in your face and they will not get out of your space so you can at least walk away and gather your thoughts. So I think it’s very important to memorize this in case you can’t get away together your thoughts !

  • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
    Laurie
    April 23, 2018

    Sorry about the duplicate comment, I’m not real savvy on computers

  • lcerutti@bodyworks-pt.com'
    Lisa M Cerutti
    April 23, 2018

    I have been working with NARP for a few months now and am still with the narc. I still find myself looking for validation and love outside myself and can’t seem to find the courage to walk away. I am stuck and need help. Is there a particular module I need to work more than others?

    The statement You have not power over me Inner being I am looking after you now is very empowering. I will try it the next time I am triggered by my Narc. Thank you for all that you do. My recovery is very slow, but I can feel the changes happening. love you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 24, 2018

      Hi Lisa,

      It is struggle in the dichotomy of ‘I need to leave to become a source to myself yet I’m staying and the narcissist is still my source.’

      I sooo understand this Lisa totally. Some people detached incredibly whilst staying to organise their life and bide their time to leave in the most empowered way … and in this case ‘staying’ was necessary and helpful.

      If you are, however, still getting supply from each other that is like someone at AA who still has a drink, and it so means that it is hard to heal from the addiction and also the inner wounds that are causing it.

      For all of us at some point we have to say ‘enough’ and put down the drink … or in this case the narcissist and then fully face all the wounds and terrors that arise in order to heal them.

      And it is terrifying at first absolutely. In many ways the real work with NARP begins when we go no contact and are determined to become our own healthy source.

      I would, sweetheart, target the wounds in your body with Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module which are preventing you from taking that leap, that ultimately you will need to.

      Wishing you strength, courage and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Shadesofgray1408@gmail.com'
    Laura
    April 23, 2018

    My ex-husband contested my protection order with lies and I had to go to court. Melanie is 100% right. I presented the facts, the truth and didn’t react (not that it was easy or not terrifying- especially since he manipulated the judge and the last order was dropped 3 years ago). No contact is crucial.
    God bless.

  • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
    Laurie
    April 24, 2018

    Thank you for your great video. I am in the NARP program, and I would say the hardest thing to do is to cut the emotional and energetic ties, because I have been with this person since I was 15. I have gone through a lot from physical and mental abuse and it’s so hard when people don’t understand what you’re going through. They will say, well why have you been with this person for 30+ years and I just realized it’s because there are times when you are made number one in their book and other times where you are the lowest person On their totem pole. If it was bad all the time it would be so much easier to leave but with the ups and downs all the time and them telling you how much they love you and they wouldn’t be who they are because of you it becomes very confusing. This man has had alcohol and drug problems lost a good job and I was always there for him, and now I have multiple sclerosis and it doesn’t seem like he’s always there for me and doesn’t understand or doesn’t wanna understand that I am not the same person I used to be. I get very angry now because Of finding out he is a narcissist from my psychiatrist who tells me that I need to leave because sometimes he becomes psychotic and has actually been brutally abusive while he was drinking a couple months ago where he bit my face besides other physical abuse. He hasn’t physically abuse me after that incident but he has emotionaly abused me. I just feel so different now knowing what he truly is and yes I am very angry at myself for staying here this long and putting up with this crap. I have lots of regrets Of how my life would’ve been and the things that I would’ve done differently if I wasn’t with him. I was having a hard time doing the modules until I came across the module on forgiveness. I need to forgive myself first and then I think I’ll be able to do everything else. Because when you regret what your life could’ve been in all the years you’ve wasted you become very depressed, and as I watch him while I’m going down the drain with depression and he’s all positive and nice in front of other people and sometimes in front of me also until the mask falls it really bothers me because I see my-personality in him like he took my personality on. Just sucked and drained me dry and it’s very annoying to see that especially when you become so different from what you were. I can’t go out anymore without having anxiety I don’t really like to talk to anybody it just sucks. And this may be wrong, but I am really angry at him for doing this to me , But then my mind tells me he can’t do anything to me that I don’t allow. I didn’t realize this before your program because I always felt that he had total control over me, that’s how screwed up my mind was. I have a big problem with boundaries and hopefully that’ll get better as I go through the modules. He has his job back and financially were doing OK but he still drinks a lot but he hasn’t used any crack cocaine since the summer time, and only time will tell if he will start that up again. My confidence is very bad because I know I’m not the same person as I used to be. And it’s funny how we pick up their traits also after realizing that there narcissistic. It’s just strange to me that you see so much things that you have not seen before in their attitude and how they treat you and it makes you angry because you feel so stupid and you wonder to yourself where was I, I must’ve been like in a fairy land or something. Because I would be the one always trying to make things right And try to just push the problems aside and get on with our lives and fix anything that he destroyed or had problems with people I would try to make everything OK while he just continue to do what he wanted to do.I never question anything before that he did, now I question everything and he does not like that and the only reason why I do it is because he has done it to me and I wonder to myself why is he accusing me of things ? I never did anything wrong to him but if I accuse him or if I speak up he tries to punch below the belt , and lately it just has not been affecting me like it used to. And he tells me that I have changed and I told him of course I have because I know what you are and what you do to me and other people. And he just does not like how I’m not passive anymore. I actually hate being like this and sometimes I wished that I didn’t know about narcissism because after 30+ years you don’t know any other way until you start researching, and my God I’ve really missed out on my life and I want it back. Especially now with the multiple sclerosis and my open heart surgery with valve replacement I just can’t wait to feel the way you feel I don’t know if I ever felt like that before. The only time I remember ever feeling good was when I was a teenager and I felt free. This is before I started dating him. So I try not to be pessimistic because I want to change and feel the way you do, I think that’s the only reason why I keep going because there’s days where I just do not want to live. So thank you so much for all your help because I honestly don’t know where I would be. And thank you for your encouragement because you’re right, life has to be more Fulfilling then it is, and I can’t wait for the ups and downs to stop because like you said it is an addiction and that really really sucks because once you come down you feel so bad and you question the things that they say to you and you start thinking to yourself am I really going crazy,?Am I really insecure ? AmI really worthless ? Am I really jealous? I never felt like this before, why do I feel like it now and then I think to myself what you said they bring out your fears. I’m sorry for rambling I normally don’t ever write things but I guess today I needed to let go of how I’m feeling because he made a comment to me that I was going crazy and I got very angry and told him I’m going to get dressed I want you to take me to the emergency room and I want you to call my psychiatric doctor and I want him to be the one to tell me that I’m crazy and to admit me. He did not like that He said come on Laurie you know I was mad when I said that I really don’t think you’re crazy. And I told him, but you say this to me all the time so you must see something that’s wrong with me so why don’t you take me to the hospital? I was very adamant that he take me to the hospital and he was not happy about it. Probably because he saw that I could see him trying to hit me below the belt and I didn’t take it and if I was going to be accused of being crazy I wanted my psychiatrist diagnosed me with that and not him, and I told that to him. He became very angry when I did this and try to intimidate me. But I just didn’t feel intimidated. I don’t know why I just did and I think there comes a time where you just look at the person like there are the crazy one. I don’t feel like this all the time but I feel like the some of the time so I know I must be improving somewhere Within myself. My life is a mess but with your program I hope to feel better. I watch your videos on boundary settings and if you could do another one I would greatly appreciate it. I’m going to find the forgiveness e-book and read that also and then I will do another module. I must have a major problem with abandonment also I just realized, my mom was telling me the other day that when I was little and we were at the hospital she had to step away from me for a minute because my dad was having open heart surgery and she needed to answer the phone at the hospital and she said,I got really scared and I told her I thought she wasn’t going to be coming back for me and she thought that was funny that I would say something like that to her, and she said now I think it’s sad because of the way I feel now. She’s been a big help also because there’s things I don’t remember from when I was little and the things I do remember I ask her and I also asked her why she made the choices she made and it all makes sense to me. So thank you again I so appreciate everything you do, you just don’t realize how much you have helped me. Thank you,thank you,thank you from the bottom of my heart

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 24, 2018

      Oh goodness Laurie,

      Thank you so much for reaching out here and sharing so honestly.

      You have touched my heart deeply.

      Laurie are you in the NARP Forum so that we can can support you and co-generate with you your breakthroughs?

      I know myself and other Thrivers would adore supporting you more personally in there: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Laurie you are an inspiration to go for a better quality of life after everything you have endured, and I am so pleased you feel hope, because I feel it incredibly for you too.

      So much love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
        Laurie
        April 25, 2018

        Melanie,Thank you so much for your comment. Greatly appreciated

  • lydiamc1247@sbcglobal.net'
    Jene
    April 24, 2018

    I enjoy the way you presented this information. Being able to see the ideas in print somehow makes it easier to “see”. Reminding us that this is a gift actually, and I’m sure many people know this. Thank you for your continuing work in this important area of understanding.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 24, 2018

      Hi Jene,

      That is great this format resonates with you!

      It’s my pleasure. Bless 😊

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Tuesday
    April 24, 2018

    Dear wonderful Melanie

    For me this is another incredibly helpful and timely video. Sometimes I think/feel I’m doing quite well and then “something” comes along and I’m thrown into doubt.

    Summer is approaching. People are getting out and about after winter hibernation and the narc is in the same social circle as me. He was very full of himself briefly last summer when he had a new girlfriend but for some reason (I like to think it might have been energetic…?) the relationship hardly lasted any time at all. He is the ultimate victim and as he tells anyone who will listen I am the terrible harpy who cruelly ejected him from my life and home when he had saved me from certain ruin. As you may imagine the truth is somewhat different but – hey! All that I can deal with – I have “NARPed” myself out of so much – but what I am finding difficult to deal with is being totally ignored, he acts as if I simply don’t exist, refuses to even say “good day”, there is a blank space where I am standing. This is “triggering” a feeling of such awkwardness and suffocation that I find it difficult to remain calm, and keep coming back to the feeling when alone, which obviously isn’t helping. (Some people in the circle know he is a narc but he uses such charm that his victim stance is almost ignored. Also he is from around here and as a foreigner it is difficult for me to be fully accepted.)
    I KNOW IT’S SOMETHING TO DO WITH NOT BEING HEARD OR CONSIDERED BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO APPROACH THIS THROUGH NARP – WHICH MODULE/MODULES SHOULD I USE AND SHOULD I BE ASKING FOR ANYTHING SPECIFIC?

    Number 1:- I am good at not reacting in public, but because I don’t feel 100% solid inside he can probably sense this right?
    Number 2:- I have got this i.e. it’s not personal; however sometimes it can feel like I’m clutching at a straw because it’s not fully integrated and I wobble.
    Number 3:- Fear – yes! He brings it out. He knew I was frightened of him. That has lessened and when I didn’t see him for months on end I was doing better…. but less so now although exactly what I’m frightened of in relation to him I can’t say. He’s an empty shell pretending to be a wonderful person.
    Number 4:- I’m really enjoying going down the path of showing up as my authentic self and it has positive benefits regarding the way people in the local community see me.
    Number 5:- I am grateful for the opportunity although it has been at such a high cost emotionally. I know I need to change my energetic field TOTALLY to block any possibility for him to make any connection or “hook” me in any way at all!! As you say – “Thank you! You have just handed me the next clue for what to target in my body, load up and release. Then I will not just be free of you on this point, I also get to go to the next highest level of my incredible and True Self.”

    Much love

    Ps. Great look today!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 24, 2018

      Hi Tuesday,

      Thank you for your very succinct post and lovely compliment!

      Ok you have named this perfectly the trauma that is up and centre and hurting.

      Always Dear Lady you can use Module 1 (especially shortened version) or the Goal Setting Module to target these types of wounds. Then all you need to do when targeting the wound is say to your inner being ‘show me the wound connected to this feeling’ and somewhere in your body will light up
      with that painful / dense energy.

      Then load it up and release it (the Module process). Even if you don’t receive any information on it you will still shift it up and out of your body.

      That is your next move and keep doing that for every trauma that arises as well as working with the 10 Modules cleaning and clearing up the core wounds they address.

      When we have a ‘biggie’ ready to shift my above suggestions are a powerful way to address them as your first healing priority.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • l.e.hartford@shaw.ca'
    Leanne Hartford
    April 24, 2018

    Dear Melanie, This information really helped me understand what happened to me in my childhood. I realize now that my stepfather was a very damaged individual. That is why he did the things he did and thought it was OK to do them. My mother was also damaged to a degree so she was easily manipulated and brain washed. At least now that I understand what was really going on in my family I can begin to forgive them. I can also begin to protect myself from any more pain. I couldn’t forgive something I didn’t understand so I could never move forward and away from the confusion and pain in my heart. I hope this new understanding can be the start of a new life for me. Thank you.
    Sincerely, Leanne.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 24, 2018

      Hi Leanne,

      I am so pleased I can help 😊

      Wishing you incredible breakthrough and healing and your True Life Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • marierose8007@gmail.com'
    Marie Rose
    April 24, 2018

    Dear Melonie,
    I have been on a three year journey learning about covert narcissism and psychopathy. Your videos and program have been life saving. I was married very young and ignored my gut feelings until I believed all his projections. I was married for 44 years to a Dr, Jeckal and when I found out who he really was ( Mr Hyde),like you, it almost took my life.
    What has helped me tremendously, is when the correct phrase that I hear in my research grabs me ,literally physically speaks to my very being.
    The other day, I heard the phrase ” diabolical duplicitous” and it rocked my world. It has encompassed the basic understanding of my X-husbands core nature. It can be seen in every position he takes ,because he takes both apposing sides. Confusion, cognitive dissonance, fear, guilt, terror etc. were the result of this.
    I can not express enough how freeing this has been for me. Now , I see with clear vision That playing both sides is all a game and manipulation (brilliantly at times) , This realization has made detachment so incredibly easy and is the only logical outcome. Not to mention not taking what he said personally.
    Can you speak of this in your videos? It is a factor in NPD that is more than push/pull , sweet/ mean. A person who knew my X all his life said of him ” He plays both ends to the middle”. Wow, what a brilliant way for them to never be accountable. They are playing chess using both colours. Sometimes victim/ sometimes arrogant manipulators , Displaying generosity/ exploiting all the family resources, calling you a sweet angel, one moment and then saying “people think you are a — (insert a horrible insult) Really, the topic is central. He played the good family man and had another partner for many decades.
    I love your work. Thank you Melonie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2018

      Hi Marie,

      I am pleased that my information has helped you, and I would like to share with you my philosophy about your request.

      In my work the focus is Thriver Recovery where my greatest wish for you is that you are after three years living in a world where narcissism and narcissists are not your reality because you are healed, expanded and living your amazing life 😊

      In my humble opinion our recovery is not truly an informational process it is an inner transformational process.

      If it is information about them that is freeing us, then we need to keep seeking it over and over again for the relief, rather than turning inwards to truly love and heal ourselves back to wholeness.

      And I hope you understand that I am sharing from my own experience with love, now knowing the diffference as well as what I have seen with so many other Thrivers in this community.

      I am happy one day to do the resource ‘Street Angel Home Devil’ as your request, and as always I’ll put the slant into it to bring it home to healing the coinciding hook within ourselves.

      Please see this resource here: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-learning-everything-about-narcissism-is-not-the-answer/

      If you do wish to bring this all back to healing and releasing you – which is an even more fascinating journey (I promise you!) I’d love to help you get started: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Much love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    Julia
    April 26, 2018

    Thanks again for another good video. I find I am still working on 1, 3 and 5 in particular. Not just with the Narc at home but also with the one’s I run across in my work life as well. Although over the last several months I am finding that I am able to laugh at them quite a bit more rather than take their bull seriously. 🙂

  • angela.callanan@gmail.com'
    AngelA
    April 27, 2018

    I don’t know where to start or finish with saying thank you Mel. I am so glad I found you last year, I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t – but of course it was meant to be – we all find you when the time is right. You make me feel slowly but surely the good guys and gals are winning.

    I was reading Dante’s Inferno in my last months with the narcissist and you helped get me out of the bowels of hell – as Virgil did with Dante. There is a line in Canto 7 which gave me much comfort. Virgil says:
    “Let not your fears occasion your distress. Despite his powers he cannot steal your right to scale this rock face.”

    Of course I realise now (with your help) that it is false power. I reread these lines a few weeks ago and cried with relief. I’m out of hell!

    I started NARP Silver in August last year and it has transformed my life – that is the only way to describe it. It is worth every last penny – actually scratch that I would go far as to say it is priceless 😀 I am not out of the woods yet – perhaps I am in purgatory, but with your help I believe I will make it to heaven. Whenever my inner child gets triggered or distressed I tell her – don’t worry we’ll have a chat (a healing) with the nice lady from Australia soon and everything will feel better 😀

    Today’s post (point 2) reminded me of something – it just came to me randomly a few weeks ago. I realised that the abominable way he treated me in those last months before I left him and when the mask fell (he was a covert/altruistic narc.) was not about me it was all about his mother. I have no intention of trying to psychoanalyse him or figure out what it was about – I just ‘knew’ it or felt it very strongly and realised he has a very deep seated resentment for her.

    When I thought (avoiding rumination of course!) of all the terrible things that he did to me and realised that they were actually all aimed at his mother not me it made me feel so much better. This doesn’t mean it was OK, that it was any less traumatic, that I condone it, or I’m letting him off the hook, but boy does it unsalt the wounds and take the sting out of it! Actually it felt so good I went over it again and thought – yes! all that breathtaking antagonism and cruelty was aimed at her not me – I was just the unfortunate entity that happened to be present for him to dump his toxic crap on.

    Thank you once again Mel, thank you for all your hard work, kindness and extreme generosity – meaning all the absolutely free resources you provide which are amazing. All the best to you and your family.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2018

      Hi AngelaA,

      I am so happy for you that you are out of the fire and have come so far.

      I love what you tell your Inner Child that is so sweet! 💕❤️

      It is so true Angela that the original wrath and pain has nothing to do with us… 100 percent.

      Keep doing the beautiful job of healing that you are sweetheart.

      So many blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Elina
    April 27, 2018

    Hi Melanie!
    I would be curious to know what you think about the “Mars and Venus” books. There it is said for example, it is normal (?) for a man to go to “man cave”, to withdraw, and then he is somehow unable to communicate, and a woman should even be wary not to disturb him while he has this phase. Also entire chapter is dedicated to the fact “why a man does not call”. I think the message here is that woman should just tolerate this antisocial behaviour, put up with it and patiently wait until the man becomes normal again. I wrote this all sarcastically. I’ve really started to hate relationship books and these books in particular. Such a bs…I start to feel this kind of a advice belongs to…last century. I feel anxiety, frustration, do we really need such a massive amount information and advice, the whole task with living or being with a man starts to feel like trying to tame a wild mustang. Why it is so difficult to be with another…human being? 🙁
    Of course, having been with a n and endured several silent treatments (which are an act of violence, this is what I have learned from you) it is very hard for me to tell right from wrong. Is there such a thing like “normal” silent treatment (just writing that feels ridiculous, my inner wisdom says NO!).
    After the n, I tried to date a man…what is it, that he cannot answer messages, or answer phone calls, or does so randomly? If he sees a missed call in his phone, why he can’t call me back? If I had tried to contact him, obviously I had something important to say, or just to chat…he is just ignorant. I do not want stay connected to him anymore. I’m hurt, I’m done. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like men belong to some entirely different species of human beings…is it really too much to ask, to behave with respect, humaness, politely, empathy? All of this what I wrote, I don’t actually want to feel/think this way 🙁
    I’m sad, I’ve started to feel cynical, what’s the point of relationships anyway? What GOOD a man could bring into my life? I would like to find a man, who would act like my best friend…actually I would want the he is my best friend! I hope it is not an impossible aspiration 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2018

      Hi Elina,

      I hear you!

      I too tried in the past to learn all about how to meet a man … but this is the thing … if we have unresolved trauma inside about not being ‘met’ and ‘loved’ then it won’t work. We still will have the same identical experiences no matter what we try to do.

      And …. it’s frustrauing and I really want you to know your Inner Child who really wants you to turn inwards and heal her is screaming … ‘Really this is just another thing to try to fix and please THEM!! What about me?’

      The truth is she is calling out for you to heal and hold her.

      I found personally when I healed my traumas about men abandoning me, throwing me under s bus, having their egos as more significant to them than me … and all my other deep beliefs … it shifted. Different men came into my life. I showed up in less defensive and angry and hurt ways to be able to communicate and work with things.

      I found men to be more present and honest, yet really these men were ones operating at the same level of how I was being to myself now.

      My belief is if you heal what hurts inside you will have men meet you as an equal and then the only ‘rules’ are honestly, care and love.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Elina
        April 27, 2018

        Ahhh, thank you Melanie, you save me every time! Afterwards I felt embarrased what I wrote and then I had this important aha-moment: Every time I’m “triggered” and feel/think/say something that does not make “sense”, is not logical or intellectual…then that is indeed the voice of the inner child! I have so often “said” to “her”, now don’t be stupid, don’t exaggerate etc. instead of listening to her!
        (just now this came into my mind: my dad very often said to me: don’t be stupid!)

        I say this now with sense of humor, but sometimes I think, why the inner child is so demanding? Why she just can’t “let it go” (the past)? I wonder, why the intellectual speak does not work here, like I’m adult now, the past is in the past, I can think many moments when my childhood was good, even if it was difficult with my dad, at least my mom did her best…and it does not ease the inner pain or prevent to become triggered.

        >I showed up in less defensive and angry and hurt ways to be able to communicate and work with things.

        I’m glad you said this, so I don’t need to feel myself weird or crazy, when I often feel defensive and angry too! I often feel anger towards men, which is funny, because basically I’m not an “angry person” at all, I think I’m quite easy-going and generally positive. I feel it’s almost like some existential crisis or healing crisis…I feel like the world is almost divided in to women (“good persons”) and men (“bad persons”). If a man is in a neutral context, like a boss, neighbour, client, relative, gay, it is ok. But if he is a possible romantic partner, I become closed off and shut down, very angry and defensive, like yeah, do you think you can come to mucking around with my poor heart and mess up my life, well I’m not going to let that happen!! 🙁

        Oh, maybe it’s one thing to get over the n (and heal that stuff) and other thing to actually be ready for a new relationship? 🙁

        At the same time I feel this social pressure, that I as a 42 years old woman “should” be coupled, and I think I’m just not ready yet. Feels like witch hunt! 🙁
        It’s ironic, that being with the n and do all kinds of normal couple stuff, I surely had gained the “normality” in society’s eyes…now this thought makes me angry, again 😀

        By the way, all the relationship advices and books…some of that might be good, but I’ve started to think much of it is fear-based. Like how and where I need to be and become in order to get a man, how to behave in order to keep (they actually use this word!) the man, how to navigate the relationship. It makes me feel insecure, like one wrong “move” and I’m doomed, end of relationship. If a relationship is indeed in such a shaky ground and no space for humaness, which is to be imperfect, then no thanks! And isn’t it interesting how all this relationship material is almost always geared towards women, why men do not have such a passion to study such things? Hmm.

        PS. Very creepy the photo in this post of that “narcissist” 😀

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 28, 2018

          Hi Elina,

          Gorgeous woman you are so sweet!

          This may help!

          https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-difference-between-the-inner-child-and-the-ego/

          Also sweetheart seriously trying to work it out is the long hard way around.

          Just healing the inner traumas and painful beliefs by releasing them then organically puts you on the trajectory of what you want – which is exactly what your Soul and Life wants for you too.

          It’s only the inner traumas that are the barrier.

          Are you working with NARP? It’s the truest answer I know to this.

          http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

          I hope this can help 😊

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

          • anna_elina@luukku.com'
            Elina
            April 28, 2018

            Hi,
            yes I work with narp and EFT…sometimes I can do both…double whammy! 🙂 But I’m just determined to get this crap out!! I have attracted not only one but three n’s so something is/was seriously wrong in my “programming”. Terrible.
            It was strange, when I wrote the word “witch hunt”, I got this strange feeling, it resonated with me. Now I write this with a sense of humour, but it might be true also…What I have learned from you, I don’t believe in past lives but I do believe we can inherit the trauma via dna. Ever since I can remember, I have felt myself “weird”, worried that people see me that way, different, freak and anxious to “prove” I’m not. Being single makes me also feel enormous social pressure, fearing that being single is weird or freak, that people will judge me. I just thought, someone of my ancestors might have been accused being a witch, I actually became interested in to read it has happened in my country still in the 1700’s!
            I think it is just very interesting!! And of course, there’s really nothing weird or freak in me, I was a good student, graduated from university, then started to work, I’m just very ordinary 🙂
            I think this all is very interesting…and I think “just” being aware of this stuff also starts to shift it, it’s awesome.
            Thank you Melanie!!

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            April 29, 2018

            Hi Elina,

            Also HUGELY there was stigmas for women ‘on the shelf’ in the yesteryears.

            All that you are saying were huge traumas within me too.

            Just keep shifting what you feel hun and don’t get to much into the analysis … that just takes up too much time!

            The bottom line is we want to be free within and then we just start to flow in life.

            Much love back to you!

            Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • congerkm@yahoo.com'
    Kathy
    April 28, 2018

    Thank you Melanie for all you do. On this day, my mother’s celebration of life, I will be able to show up as my true self. My family member no longer has power in or over my life, and I have learned from you how this family member and my experiences with her lead me to be tangled in another toxic relationship with my narcissist ex. I am now free from these toxins and your program has helped me immensely during this process. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Kathy

  • congerkm@yahoo.com'
    Kathy Sullivan
    April 28, 2018

    Thank you Melanie for all you do. On this day, my mother’s celebration of life, I will be able to show up as my true self. My family member no longer has power in or over my life, and I have learned from you how this family member and my experiences with her lead me to be tangled in another toxic relationship with my narcissist ex. I am now free from these toxins and your program has helped me immensely during this process. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Kathy

  • Vcervellieri@gmail.com'
    Vinnie
    April 29, 2018

    Melanie. Are you single?

  • greenbnk@rogers.com'
    Nickie
    May 1, 2018

    Empowered and in control. Independent and strong.

    Mel, I have been reading your blog for a couple of months, now. And I have even gone as far to have purchased your program and signed up for the blog, but have not yet started it. I have been living such a confusing life for the past 18 (!) years and always blamed my husband’s family (while he made me feel like I was the problematic/emotional/paranoid one). However, since I imposed a ‘no contact’ rule on his family, I am now seeing the truth before me for the first time. Aside from his family being enmeshed, I am learning that my husband is the same “person” my ex was, just packaged differently (my ex was overt and this guy is altruistic). All his ex girlfriends (I am his only wife,) are “crazy” and all had dependency issues. I, myself, was abusing alcohol up until the first time I uplevelled and released some immediate trauma with you (the shift in my life was pretty extraordinary after that). Your newsletters defined for me “why” I was behaving the way I was. He was literally trying to destroy me/discredit me. I am a “why” person, so knowing why is a complete game changer for me. I’m not the same person that I was even two months ago. Emotionally I’m stronger and more available to my kids, and appearance wise, I’m better put together. I’m getting back to “me’. It’s interesting, since I very publicly (in an open email) exposed his family and their antics — and his enabling of it *all*, how obvious his personality disorder is to me. He knows I am onto him. There has been a tremendous shift in our marriage/intimacy (the arctic air blows!) and he knows that I now know I am living an illusion. [You] can say “I love you,” and do things, like buy flowers to “show” [your] love, but it’s the sentiment behind the words and action/expression/openess you cannot fake. Like enjoying making love to your spouse (as opposed to it being mechanical/dutiful) and going through the effort of picking a lively bouquet of flowers, versus the leftovers/tired ones at the grocery store. (Pointing the flower bit out makes me ungrateful/demanding.) I’ve called him out on a number of things and predictably, he is in complete deny-mode. That’s okay. He just reiterates for me how “wrong town” we are and have been the whole while. I had to go back to the very beginning to figure out how I got ‘here’. The signs were there, it’s that I was conditioned my entire life to ignore them, hence why my crappy/abusive love patterns repeat. Such as, it being a federal offence to lie growing up, but that’s all my parents ever did to each other and to me. As a result, I could never recognize a “lie”, i.e., react appropriately. My programming was to accept more lie and deceit! The whole while he and his family were launching havoc and abuse onto me and the kids, my mom (another full-blown narc) encouraged me to keep inviting them. “Take the high road.” Meanwhile, I see now, she was, as usual, working at cross-purposes projecting herself into the mix and making me feel guilty about “denying” my father’s husband time with his grandkids. It’s all manipulative b.s. and it would not have gotten so bad if I hadn’t trusted my mother and narc husband (I don’t “see” it!) I didn’t even know what a narcissist was, let alone a altruistic narc, until reading your blog and there was my entire life experience/s right here for me. The validation was incredible. It’s been a salve for me and my ‘self’. I know the only thing for me to do is to go deep, I just don’t know if I am emotionally ready to go there yet. This article, specifically, was just in time for me this past weekend. He knows the major problem for me growing up was neglect and abandonment, in addition to a smorgasbord of other abuse, and that is where he chose to target my soft underbelly. This article and reader commentary really helped me to disengage myself, head out on my own with my ‘self’, and enjoy the better part of the day doing the stuff I like to do without having to “pretend” my altruistic narc husband and I were spending an enjoyable day together. More like “with” each other. Thank you for your generosity and time you take, every day, to help us heal and come back to our ‘selves’.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 1, 2018

      Hi Nickie,

      I am so pleased that you are gaining clarity and strength.

      Absolutely the Altruistic narcissistic thing can be very tricky and it is great that you are unravelling.

      I know that you may feel that you are not emotionally ready, but I promise you that when you do start doing the transformational inner healing with NARP, so much relief, power and clarity comes than just from the informational truths.

      I remember years ago feeling the same, having every reason not to go within, and when I started doing it I realised how much I had been going without.

      Please know you’ve got this and myself and the community are here to fully support you too!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • angelamitchell70@gmail.com'
    Echo
    May 9, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    I’m in the process of doing a financial separation with the Nex. I’ve been ready to proceed for months and he is stalling. I ignored his hoovering texts recently and feel like he’s punishing me with the Silent Treatment. I’m only interested in contact if it’s related to moving forward with financial separation and then divorce. I know I’m being triggered by childhood wounds of being ignored and not listened to. I just started NARP and have already worked on this. Even though I feel better able to deal with this passive aggression, I feel horribly controlled by him and can’t let go of the feeling of being trapped by him. I just want it all to be over, so I can have No Contact. It’s been 8 months since I discovered his affair and he bolted. That’s plenty of time to sort a financial separation. I want to buy him out and the linger he stalls this, the less likely it is that I’ll be able to do this. I have two kids in teens living with me. They don’t contact him ever. I know I can’t make him do this at the speed I would like and he knows I will be finding that infuriating. What can I work on? I need to feel free.

    Thanks
    Echo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 10, 2018

      Hi Echo,

      Sweetheart you have really named it – the feeling of being trapped by him and the frustration of him stalling.

      Use Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module to release and resolve these and then s whole new level of possibility will open up for you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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