Trying to deal with a narcissist, challenges every fiber of your Being.
If you’ve tried to manage a narcissist in a difficult situation, you know you’re triggered beyond the point of ridiculous – struggling to be heard and unable to create sense out of the madness.
All whilst the narcissist dances around you tearing up your efforts, emotions, and sanity.
By this stage, you’ve tragically discovered the normal rules of human engagement don’t apply – rather it’s all about the narcissist doing whatever is necessary for them to get their own way.
So how CAN you deal with someone who has NO INTENTION of complying, playing team or doing the right thing?
If you are currently in a relationship that you can’t leave, or joint custody and settlements battles, or ongoing work relationships, or if you have a family member who you can’t go no contact with, you will be placed into certain situations that will trigger your deepest fears.
You will feel minimalised, abused, set upon and soooo helpless and powerless to defend yourself, the people you love and your assets against the narcissist’s onslaughts.
Oh gosh, I HEAR you!
Initially, I went through this horrifically myself – being defeated on every front, helplessly watching my life being torn down no matter how hard I tried to stop it happening!
And I’ve seen what narcissists have done, in this deadly dynamic, to countless other people in this community as well.
Until they, like myself, learned how to turn this entire thing around.
I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have up and close experiences, personally and with so many other narcissistic abuse cases to know how to distil the REAL solutions into the following 5 steps which I am incredibly excited to share with you in this new Thriver TV episode.
In today’s video, you will learn how to become a formidable force with the power of emotional resonance, intention and action combined, against any abuser, no matter how malicious, conniving and slippery they may be.
If you have been TOTALLY bamboozled by any narcissist in your life and feel like you have no ways or means to overcome or possibly even survive what they are doing to you, I know this episode will help immensely.
Narcissists are not easy.
We shake our head, question our sanity and realise that the normal rules of human conduct get spun around and turned inside out – they simply don’t apply.
These people don’t want to comply, play team, come to understandings or do the right thing.
Instead, they are a law to themselves creating mayhem in our lives, hearts, and souls.
How do we deal with them?
Today, I want to lay out 5 clear and precise steps to help you handle the narcissist in your life, regardless of what the situation is.
And, there is another benefit for you from this information. Not only will you grant yourself the freedom from narcissistic insanity and pain, you will also have the graduation opportunity to evolve beyond ever having to deal with narcissists again.
And I really want to look at this in the Quantum Way, because the human logical way can assist, but when we take our understandings and actions – emanating deep from within our Being – to the Quantum Level, that is when we tap into super-powers, meaning enlisting all of ‘everythingness’ to assist.
You will understand why as we go through this today.
And please know these 5 steps can be used for absolutely any challenging and confrontational aspect of your life – when you feel unsafe or confused.
Okay, so let’s imagine that the narcissist has done something or said something that brings up trauma for you. If you are with a narcissist you don’t have to wait long! Those familiar feelings of being unsafe and anxious in your body. Or feeling invalidated and angry, or wanting to retaliate. Narcissists are very good at stepping exactly on our wounds and grinding their heels into them for a reaction.
Let’s get started on number 1.
1) Detach from reacting
Narcissists want your reaction, because that confirms to them ‘I am significant enough to affect another person and get their attention.’ As soon as you fall for it – you are right back where they want you – handing narcissistic supply over again. That is the narcissist’s number 1 mission in life.
Don’t go there – instead stop, detach and walk away to gather yourself. Ignore it. The narcissist may push and push and push, but say this mantra to yourself in your head, ‘You have no power over me. Inner being I am looking after you now. You and I are pulling away to work this out.’
Okay let’s stop right there; I want you to feel that statement in your body: ‘You have no power over me. Inner being I am looking after you now. You and I are pulling away to work this out.’
Now, stop this video, scroll down and write how that feels for you – in your body.
So, with the narcissist’s acting out, don’t listen, don’t react and don’t get triggered into taking immediate action. Cool off and calm down first.
The Quantum Understanding
Your life unfolds on any topic you are focused on in accordance with your emotional inner energy about that topic. The more powerful the emotional charges that you are experiencing, the more powerful the unfolding in accordance with those emotional inner compositions.
If you take any action (Doingness) from a state of angry, traumatised, reactionary Beingness, then the results of the Doingness will match your Beingness – every time.
It isn’t until you get some rationale and calm within you, and be in your personal solid power, in your body, that you can exact any positive influence for yourself.
There is no place that this rule is more important than when trying to combat a narcissist.
2) Know It Is Not Personal
Realise that the narcissist is being a narcissist. They have a mass of unhealed inner traumas, and a False Self at the helm, trying to appear ‘amazing’ and offloading their trauma onto others and blaming them for the state of their own inner emotional turmoil, which is always seething just below the surface and erupting often into consciousness.
The narcissist also believes everyone is out to get them, and anyone who is perceived as a threat to their fragile self-image needs to be taken down.
In the narcissist’s times of lining you up and hurting you, their personality disorder is in charge. It doesn’t mean that you are a horrible person, worthy of abuse or all the things that the narcissist is labelling you with. The narcissist’s behaviour is their stuff, not yours.
The Quantum Understanding
If you know that Life is happening FOR you and not TO you, you understand everything that arrives in our life experience, that is wounding and unpleasant, is allowing us to make the unconscious conscious. It is showing us what we have buried within, which we all do with our past hurts and the parts of ourselves that we may not wish to face.
It is unearthing for us that somewhere in our life, previous to this, we accumulated the wounds and the beliefs that match what is in our face now with the narcissist.
When we understand that this is a replay, we can say to ourselves, ‘I bless and accept these feelings of pain, because it shows me what I can release and heal to no longer carry these beliefs, be limited in my expansive expression, or have to tolerate people coming into my life to expose these wounds for me. Now I can evolve myself and move on.’
3) Become Anti-Fear
The narcissists most powerful arsenal against you is ‘fear’. When they can reduce you to fear, heartbreak and despair with their threats and behaviour then you regress back to feeling powerless and helpless like a child, who is overpowered by an adult. Narcissists do not take pity on people in this place, in fact, it energises them to hurt them more.
Unconsciously narcissists project their inner helpless, powerless parts (their broken Inner Child) onto other people and then try to destroy them – because they hate that vulnerability and weakness within themselves.
If you go down into that space, rather then be comforted by him or her, you will be kicked even harder when you are down. In stark contrast when you are no longer afraid, you will see the narcissist unravel into the powerless child that they really are on the inside. They can only operate when you fear them – this is what hands them the bullets to shoot you with.
The Quantum Understanding
The narcissist is in our life to help us find and heal our deepest primal fears, because these are exactly the ones that the narcissist identifies within us, pretends to ‘save’ and then turns against us with the full blast of cruel ferocity. So here this is, the golden evolutionary opportunity every soul craves – to finally find and be free of these wounds.
Because that is the only way we rise into the incredible glory of living life, as we were always intended to live it – without them. Take this opportunity with both hands, because when your soul has decided it is time for you to rise into the glory of your True Self, what is happening is not going to stop until you accept this mission that you want more than anything – even if you don’t consciously know that yet.
I promise you, when you get here, you will know it with every fiber of your Quantum Being.
Becoming anti-fear is everything, and doing your diligent inner work is a very powerful and direct way to get there. My Thriver TV episode regarding the fears of CRAP was all about this.
4) Show up as your True Self
The narcissist will try to discredit you and smear you on many different fronts. When things go down with a narcissist their tactics are to divide and conquer – meaning dismantle your support structures, abuse you by proxy and get minions positioned against you. This is especially brutalising when the narcissist enlists the court system against you, in custody and property battles.
The more you try to put out the fires, stop the lies and accusations, exonerate yourself and change people’s minds by trying to expose who the narcissist is and what they are doing – the worse it gets. It simply doesn’t work.
What does work is not defending yourself, rather simply being your truth calmly and powerfully and holding your head high no matter what people say or think.
The Quantum Understanding
This is arguably one of the hardest things to do, but it’s essential. We have to get all of the traumas out of our Being that fear persecution, and what people can do to us as a result of what they think of us. So that we KNOW who we are, with no requirement for anyone to believe us. When we are anchored in the beliefs that the truth wins through in the end and all of life loves and supports us, and be in the integrity of our wise and calm self – then SO it will be.
Then we show up without guilt, terror, whininess, desperation or demonising the narcissist in order to try to be heard. We don’t act like victims that then sadly (so, within, so without) continue to generate more victimisation for ourselves.
We simply present any facts necessary calmly, clearly and powerfully and we continue our life and the creation of it. It’s then the narcissist loses power – every time.
This is the truth energetically about all of this: your Inner Being is connected to everything and everyone in your experience. As a powerful Quantum Creator there is (as Neale Donald Walsch says) ‘only one person in the room’.
If you have no fear, nothing to hide and nothing to be afraid of (even if the narcissist uses prior information about you, just own up to it), and if you bring everything into the open, stick to the calm facts, and don’t lapse into fear, anxiety and trauma, then the narcissist will have NOTHING to get you with.
All of his or her attempts will fail. People ask all the time, ‘Can you please hook me up with the right lawyer?’ This I know, when you are the right vibrational self on the inside, then the right lawyer will appear, as well as judge and circumstances and unfoldings.
Please know this showing up as your True Self is also incredibly helpful to deal with anyone in your life who you are having difficulty with. It will also help you distinguish who is totally narcissistic and therefore unavailable for a safe healthy relationship, and who can grow and evolve with you.
My beautiful friend and colleague, Katherine Woodward Thomas, talks about inviting people up into evolutionary relationships with us. How, with a difficult person, we can be honest with them, apologise that we haven’t been honest with them about the difficulties we have been feeling, and tell them that we would love a more loving and honest relationship with them. And then we can be lovingly honest about what we need, and invite them to share with us what they need from us.
If you come from a genuine, healthy space, you will see who has the capacity and the desire to meet you there, and you will know when people don’t have the resources and the desire to. If this person unravels and it is no longer healthy then it is time to decide what you will and won’t accept and back yourself on that. There is no need to bargain, plead, try to cut a deal, play it safe or tiptoe around their madness.
We create our Life powerfully when we stop trying to work out and circumvent what other people are or aren’t doing and just be truthful and authentic without being emotionally fearful and reactionary.
This is the power that enlists all of Life Itself on our side and, in our personal experience, turns narcissists into dust. False Selves cannot exist in a Universe of Authenticity.
5) Let go of all emotional ties
Work at letting go of all the strong emotions that you have regarding the narcissist. Resolve and heal the feelings of loss, love, regret, guilt, hatred, resentment and victimisation. When we still have strong emotions (whatever they are) about a certain person, we are still energetically tied to them, and we are not free to create a new life.
Your emotional freedom must and does proceed every other freedom. The freedom to live, love, laugh, play and create again.
Your absolute emancipation comes when the narcissist is totally benign in your body – when there is no feeling left whatsoever in your emotions. When it feels like it happened to someone else, long ago and you can’t even access the emotional triggers about it, because you have let all of that stuff go – you are TRULY free.
The Quantum Understanding
When you have incredible gratitude for what happened FOR you, and the opportunity and actualisation of your personal evolution, all the players in your life who helped you get there cease to have any power over you.
If there is nothing left to be triggered in your body, then there is no more that needs to come your way. And even before we get there – to that level – we are already graduated beyond having to go through it again, because every time a wound erupts into our consciousness via the narcissist we can say: ‘Thank you! You have just handed me the next clue for what to target in my body, load up and release. Then I will not just be free of you on this point, I also get to go to the next highest level of my incredible and True Self.’
Can you see how dramatically different that is than being catapulted back into the darkness and victimisation of what is happening?
Ok so there it is, the 5 steps: 1) Detach from reacting, 2) Know it’s not personal, 3) Become Anti-fear, 4) Show up as your True Self and 5) Let go of all emotional ties.
I know this journey is hard, it’s not simple, and it’s not for the light or faint-hearted. Gary Zukav, a wonderful spiritual teacher, once said that as a paratrooper sky-diving into armed enemy territory of a night, he was less terrified than what he was meeting and healing his inner being.
It’s true … it’s the hardest, most challenging thing we will ever do. But this I will say, getting tangled up with narcissists forces us to. And I do believe we are never handed any more than what we were up for and capable of, rather it’s our resistance to going inwards and healing ourselves that causes us to get so beat up.
I promise you this: when you turn inwards to love and heal yourself back to wholeness that is when the pain starts to stop and your True Self and True Life begins.
And the bottom line … Warrior and Warrioress Thrivers is this: there is nothing else to do.
So, I hope you enjoyed this video and if you’d like to become that True Self BOSS who no longer endures what narcissists used to do to you, I’d love you to sign up to my free 16-day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a Quantum healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and much more.
And you’ll also get updates via email as soon as each new video is released.
So until next time… I’ve already said it. You know what to do!
Lots of love – bye-bye.
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
- What It Means To Be An Evolutionary Mother - May 14, 2018
- How To Break The Narcissist’s Conditioning – Part 2 - May 10, 2018
- How To Break The Narcissist’s Conditioning – Part 1 - May 6, 2018