Melanie Tonia Evans

When The Narcissist Makes You Out To Be The Crazy One

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
92
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship it’s very likely you’ve heard the following words…

Look at you, you are crazy!’

You need professional help!

Everyone else can see it but you!

The thing is, when you a wrapped up in a toxic relationship you are LOSING your mind. You do feel despair, rage, confusion and panic … regularly.

You are triggered into feelings and reactions that you didn’t even know you were capable of.

And … it passes through your head, Maybe he or she is right. Maybe it is me after all.

Today, I really want to reach out to those of you who are deeply in the fog and don’t know how to find a way out and I wanted to give you clarity and hope.

I want to inspire you that these feelings – that you’re losing your mind and there’s something wrong with you, and with which you are being accused of and even diagnosed with – does not have to be your life sentence going forward.

In this Thriver TV episode, we look at exactly what is really taking place when the narcissist makes you out to be crazy one, and I want to inspire you with the solution of how to release yourself out of this, as well as personal stories that I hope can help you.

 

 

Episode Transcript

This topic is a very serious one and its one that virtually everyone who has ever been narcissistically abused has suffered from – being told you are the crazy one.

The reason I am doing this Thriver TV episode today is because I really want to reach out to those of you who are deeply in the fog and don’t know how to find a way out.

Those of you who are feeling damaged, defective and still reliant on the narcissist in some way – because this is a deadly trap that you need help to get out of.

Also, those of you starting to experience the narcissist’s mask falling and the insanity escalating – look out – because this is a very real and probable manifestation of what will happen when the abuse gets worse and you get more broken up by it.

In today’s episode, I want to give you clarity and hope – actually more than hope. And I want to inspire you that these feelings – that you are losing your mind and that there is something wrong with you, and with which you are being accused of and even diagnosed with – does not have to be your life sentence going forward.

In this episode, we are going to look at exactly what is really taking place when the narcissist makes you out to be crazy one, and I want to inspire you with the solution of how to release yourself out of this, as well as personal stories that I hope can inspire you.

Okay so let’s get going … when we are continually being told that we are the crazy one, we can be forgiven for believing it, because after all, we feel crazy! We feel deranged, sick and twisted into knots.

And, when we watch the narcissist carrying on as per normal (whatever their version of normal is) and not seeming to be falling down the steep decline that we are into unwellness and losing our sanity piece by piece – it looks like the narcissist is functioning and we are not.

I remember seeing this myself and thinking ‘He gets up and goes to work every day, whereas I can barely get out of bed. It MUST be me who has mental problems.’ And of course we get this thrown in our face constantly, ‘Look at you, you’re a mess. You seriously need help!’

We may not have realised that dysfunction, stress, mayhem and drama is the narcissist’s normal. They actually thrive off it, because it keeps them alive and able to avoid their inner empty chasm.

With outer distractions, the narcissist is pulled into another universe where they are the feared, the brilliant, the desired, the one who’s right, the one who has to suffer a crazy person – in some way they are the significant one. They get to live out whatever fictional character they are making up for themselves at the time. Yet, we are not used to operating within this much drama.

I know for myself as a previous co-dependent doing life the hard way without adequate boundaries or knowing how to align in true self – trying to fix situations and people in order to be approved of and safe – I absolutely had struggles, but not the massive onslaughts that come with narcissistic abuse.

Like myself, you may recognise ‘issues’ going to a whole new level on the stress radar, as narcissists bring our greatest fears from the depths of our subconscious vaults, to life.  We find ourselves being dragged into a world of drama, confusion, and insanity that make our previous issues seem benign. And, we are being blamed for these problems, whilst trying to mop up the messes that the narcissist is refusing to take responsibility for, and then being accused of everything the narcissist is doing.

If all of that isn’t bad enough, to add insult to injury, the more we try to fight for justice, understanding, support, and cooperation from the narcissist, then more we get emptied out of energy and receive more traumatisation. We find that if we leave them to the issues they create, we are attacked for being uncaring, and if we try to sort them out we are meddling.

We are resilient absolutely and we proved to be in our former life, but now we are breaking under the strain. The truth is when you hang out with and are attached to very sick people – which narcissists are – you get very sick.

What we may not have realised, at the time, is that the narcissist is a master of projection, yet it’s not like they have taken classes to learn how to be. The ability and need to project and avoid responsibility becomes a tactic necessity for anyone who has succumbed to a life of a fragile False Self who in no way can be wrong, held accountable or questioned.

This is how it goes: the False Self is the omnipotent character that fiercely guards the entrance to the shrivelled up True Self.  No one is allowed to go there, discover the narcissist’s inner disorders and traumas and expose that their behaviour is due to being psychologically ill, damaged and disordered.  If someone did it would threaten the entire ego structure of the narcissist which is their house of cards – the only front they have to gain the necessary narcissistic supply that a narcissist needs to survive.

Most of this is unconscious. Think of the False Self, as an egoic entity that has virtually engulfed the narcissist and taken over. It is this entity that is responsible for the narcissist’s inner reality of ‘he or she did it’, ‘he or she is out to get me’ ‘he or she is not to be trusted’ ‘he or she is the reason why I had no option but to do what I did in my own defence.’

The truth is everyone, given their model of the world (which really means their perceived reality as per their level of consciousness) does what they do because they feel justified to do it. Otherwise, they wouldn’t do it.

After my own two narcissistic abuse experiences and working in this community for over a decade, I am convinced that narcissists firmly do believe you are the disordered one. They believe not only are you psychologically unwell, but also that you are the reason for the issues in the relationship as well as everything that goes wrong for the narcissist.

It is only in times of absolute severe Narcissistic Injury – when the narcissist suffers a terrible blow and his or her ego structure (False Self) is temporarily shocked out of operation – that the narcissist has any grasp on what is really real or not. False Selves make up stories to maintain their existence. It not just make-believe; to the narcissist its real.

Narcissists have a very maddening habit of saying ‘you are acting like a crazy person’, yet they don’t have the insight and peripheral to understand, ‘because of my behaviour you have been driven crazy’ … that simply does not factor for them.

In relation to the projection that the narcissist organically does, there is an even greater reason psychologically why they project their sickness onto you, ranging all the way from the accusations of you needing psychological help to being a narcissist yourself.

This is the reason: the narcissist has disowned their inner damaged True Self. It has been divorced, discarded and buried and replaced by the False Self, the fictitious character that the narcissist uses to ‘work’ life through.

But there is no avoiding ourselves, and ourself is the True Self, and anyone’s composition of their True Self is how they truly feel about themselves. The narcissist’s False Self is his or her self-medication to avoid the True Self. It is a buffer to drown it out, which the narcissist succeeds in doing when he or she is high on narcissistic supply. But this is a precarious existence which doesn’t work 24/7, and the narcissist regularly experiences narcissistic injury when something or someone does not appease the narcissist’s False Self in the conditional way it demands to be fed. Or the narcissist may not be able to source narcissistic supply adequately when in need.

It’s then that the narcissist has only one option when these feelings of being engulfed by the True Self hit. He or she despises these inner parts steeped in fear, vulnerability, brokenness, dishevelment, traumatisation and despair.

I wrote a post in Instagram about this – the meme is called ‘Remember You, Unlike The Narcissist, Have the Ability to Fully Come Home To Yourself’ because it is true no matter how much sickness the narcissist projects onto us, we can heal, but they choose not to.

So, the narcissist rather than wanting to go to his or her inner traumas and hold and heal them back to wholeness – which would be the only salvation for the narcissist – instead seeks to destroy these parts of him or herself that threaten the very fabric of the fictitious False Self.

What better way to do that, then to project these parts onto another person and then seek to destroy them instead?

And this is the thing, the False Self only wants perfection. It wants its ‘perfect’ ideal of what is worthy of its attention and what is going to generate more of its egoic significant self. The narcissist when he or she had you on a pedestal decided you were A-grade narcissistic supply – you had the best hair, body, personality, contacts, resources or something that fed the False Self significantly, or you were the slave that the narcissist selfishly used to improve their own life with.  And now that you are defective and problematic, you are in fact replaceable, a nuisance, and insignificant because you are unavailable to grant the narcissist what you were in place for beforehand.

Now that you are not a trophy or slave to feed the False Self, you are a target for the narcissist’s wrath. You were always a pawn, but the urgency for the narcissist may now be to discredit and discard you as soon as possible. I can’t tell you how many people this happens to, when they finally ‘break’ and are not the shiny awesome narcissistic supply that the narcissist once believed they were.

For the longer term relationships where the narcissist stays, telling you that you are the crazy one, to add terrible insult to injury the narcissist may convince you that you need medication, psychiatric treatment or even institutionalisation. This provides the perfect scapegoat for him or her to say to all and sundry, ‘Poor me, I am trying to live with a disordered individual who is sick.’

All is not lost for the narcissist as there is a great deal of narcissistic supply to be gained from this – people commiserating, supporting and siding with him or her. And the narcissist gets to play out the illusion to everyone of being the kind and caring person when of course the reality behind walls is exactly the opposite of what people are told.

Maybe you are with an Altruistic Narcissistic who in-between terribly cruel, conscienceless acts toward you couldn’t be a more doting and caring nurse for you.  It’s still a sick game because this narcissist gains narcissistic supply by controlling through giving and creating dependencies, whereby he or she has the victim well and truly hooked.

Either way its a spiral down into a terrible state, you being labelled as the sick one. It means you are either incapacitated, and / or have had all your rights taken off you. Then the narcissist’s False Self continues on with all the exploits that hurt you – affairs, stealing your resources and setting him or herself up to be the beneficiary of your money in any way he or she can.  And 100% these people have every justification in their disordered heads for doing what they are doing.

People who are healthy may not see it coming, when you are downtrodden enough to believe that there is something wrong with you, you may miss it even more. It is also likely that your body is breaking down too, with a host of other health issues that you are dealing with, such as nervous system disorders like PTSD, fibromyalgia or other serious medical issues. These are all symptoms of you breaking down. And emotionally it is likely you are regularly devastated by how uncaring, inconsiderate and abusive the narcissist is toward you.

Or, in the case of the Altruistic Narcissist, he or she is caring for you unrelentingly in ways that keep you powerless and ill.

The truth is this: because you have been broken down into your powerless inner self, you feel like a child dependent on the narcissist. You don’t know yet that when you pull away and heal, and become your own True Power Source, that there will be no dependency, longing or need from the narcissist whatsoever.

It is a terrible and abusive situation to be stuck in, and so many people in this Community have been there, or still are and this is why I want to shine such a bright light of truth on this today.

With both narcissists absolutely I went through the horrible situation of succumbing to believing that I was the unstable one; that I had issues and that I needed help. I knew they both had issues, but I believed 100% that if I could take responsibility for mine that I could fix the relationship. With narcissist number 1, I went on anti-depressants whilst still in the relationship with him because he said I was unstable, had mood swings and anger issues (Gee I wonder why!) In no way were the issues sorted out by anti-depressants, my life breaking down just got worse and worse.

With narcissist number 2, after he hoovered me back, he altruistically offered to do anything to support my anxiety that had surfaced, yet his double life of other women continued. And I became incredibly needy, hooked and dependant on him. It was terrible.

What happened happens with all narcissists – unless there is enough payoff of narcissistic supply, then there is nothing in it for the narcissist, and if you aren’t providing enough in your unwell state then someone else will.

The narcissist is all out for themselves, and is sourcing new sources and planning their future life without you because you simply aren’t providing what the False Self needs anymore. Or if the benefits of your resources are still enough, the narcissist may toggle an existence with you whilst having their double life.

The biggest danger you can get stuck in – and I didn’t go nearly to the depths of this that so many people have – is that you feel so sick that you believe you need the narcissist for your everyday existence, maybe to even survive in the world because you can’t work.

Yet, this is the very person who projected onto you and got you to this level anyway. This person is not going to help you get well, rather they will break you all the way to your demise if you don’t do what is so hard yet essential to do – pull away, start releasing your trauma and heal to the level where you are a source to yourself.

In this community, there are people from the absolute depths of despair who had no choice but to go to a refuge after being abused by a narcissist. At this level of options, it is usually not just financial abuse that has been suffered. Generally, mental, emotional and physical health has been gutted also. Many of these people now, beautifully, as a result of choosing to honour and heal their inner being are now rebuilding or genuinely Thriving, generating their own lives with healthy boundaries, no longer absorbing other people’s sicknesses or being scapegoated for them.

There are people in the depths of diagnosis, disorders, and illnesses mental and physical who narcissist cruelly discard. I know that seems the most heartless thing, but I promise you that these people who get out, are fortunate to be expelled, because they possibly wouldn’t have left on their own accord.

This is what Marcia said:  “When the narcissist discarded me I was on anti-depressants for 12 months during the relationship, having been diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder. I was not able to work. I thought I was defective, useless, unlovable and I wanted to die, but then after finding your work I decided I had already lost everything, and there was nothing to lose by doing the Quantum inner work.

Today, 18 months later, I have absolutely no symptoms, and I am completely medication free. I am happier, more confident and empowered than I’ve ever been.  I now have a wonderful new partner who is genuine, loving and supportive. But I didn’t want to meet him straight away. I gave myself time to heal my wounds that the narcissist unearthed for me, and I became a solid sane, healthy, happy source to myself, because no way, ever, was I going to be susceptible to being in a relationship of abuse and projection again.

Of course in the relationship I was histrionic. It was full of gaslighting, pathological lying and other hidden women. Because I was trapped in there, trauma-bonded to him because of my unresolved childhood wounds about my father’s treatment of my mother, of course, I went bat-shit crazy! Thank god he threw me aside and I found the way to heal these wounds once and for all. I would never tolerate a relationship like that again. I feel better than I ever have after surviving and then thriving from this.”

Then there are the people who the narcissist keeps on and doesn’t discard when their sanity and health breaks them down. This is for selfish purposes – connections, money, resources, possible property acquisition, and/or the power of being able to control this person. Of course, this makes it hard to get away – incredibly hard – yet sometimes something clicks and people do. I have seen it happen many times, where people awaken, no matter what their circumstances and know that their only salvation is to get out and heal.

Years ago a girlfriend of mine who was heavily medicated, believing she had psychological issues, contracted breast cancer. In hospital realising that she would now have to fight for her life from an aggressive cancer and a double mastectomy, woke up knowing that her husband had driven her to deep depression and a life and death brink. For herself and her two boys, she never went back to him. Today, she is fully in remission, has a beautiful husband, a new daughter and is incredibly happy.

Here it is our conclusion to this – believing that you are the sick one is a one-way ticket to your demise. Because it means that you will stay, you will hand over power, and the narcissist gets exonerated to keep treating you in the soul-sucking way that he or she is doing.

Yes, you are sick because this person has made you sick. You have stayed on and this has made you sicker. The only way to get well is to get away and heal the deep inner reasons why this terrible disease, Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, has been able to wrap its deadly tentacles around you.

Let go and get away and truly heal is exactly what I did and countless other Thrivers before you have done also. People just like you who went through the most unimaginable traumas, horrors, and powerlessness.

That is what this Thriver Community is all about, a supportive tribe of people who know exactly what you are going through because they have made it through out to the other side themselves. The way we achieved this was with the deep inner healing of Quanta Freedom Healing, the main component of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).

It allowed us to achieve the return of our power and sanity and the ability to totally disconnect and get free from the narcissist with eventually no emotional tries.

If this episode spoke to you and you know you need to do something to save your life, sanity, and soul, I’d love to offer you my life raft – my free 16 day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more.

So until next time … keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do

And please leave your comments and questions below – I love responding to them.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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92 Thoughts on When The Narcissist Makes You Out To Be The Crazy One
  • bar-car@live.com'
    Carole
    April 28, 2018

    Great one! I’m a little over a year in separated from my ex Narc.This is so true!! I still have this nagging deep within that I’m the crazy one.Still needing to do a lot of inner work.Your work is amazing Thx Melanie😊

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2018

      Hi Carole,

      I so hope this helps and please know you are welcome.

      Wishing you continued healing and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Rose
    April 28, 2018

    I see the line quite clearly now, between being a source to myself, which equals being real, and owning all of who I am, and being responsible for my life….or remaining under the spell of someone else, being a victim, not being enough, being detached inside, no longer being responsible, therefore powerless to live my life. The biggest part for me, is the part about responsibility. Sinking in to victim, keeps me young, underdeveloped, and stuck. This is not fun sometimes to face, but when I remember why I developed the defences, and how they once served and protected me while in a toxic home, I have compassion for myself. It is then that I magically feel reconnected again to that sad part, and in acknowledging it, it seems to resolve itself. This is why resisting the young parts does not make them grow up! Being trapped in the endless quest to save someone else is like a dog chasing it’s tale. Putting that energy back on to healing me, stop rejecting myself, or being distracted by anothers problems, is my daily practise and commitment. I am so thankful for your help in getting to this point. It has been really validating and encouraging. Much love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2018

      Hi Rose,

      How wonderful you are coming home to the strength and power within by healing those inner parts.

      You are doing brilliantly and it’s my pleasure!

      Bless!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • Mcgee-e@hotmail.com'
      Elaine mcgee
      May 4, 2018

      I guess I’m looking for a source to post this to get it off of my chest. What do you do when your husband of 40 years has been cheating on me for years. He hides behind a religious life. He’s Gods chosen. He has an affair with my closest friends. Then when I file for divorce he is already connected with a wonderful woman from his past. She has family and friends. He steps right in as a hero who needs live after a hellish life with me. If ever God has posed a forgiveness here it is. I’ll be able to do it just to get past that part of my life.

  • pjprizzi@sbcglobal.net'
    Laurie Prizzi
    April 28, 2018

    So True, so many times he would put himself on me . We are divorced for 4 months after 34 years. And although he wanted the divorce he keeps me reeled in to a point. Your work has helped me a lot. Thanks

    • wbutts@cybco.net'
      Wade M. Butts
      April 28, 2018

      Sucks, stay strong. Mine was 40yrs, I was 16, love bombed for 2 years, then down hill from there, yeah, and even back then, I sensed something wasn’t right. I got two beautiful young men from her though. They seem to be handling it, but you never know. It’s such a scary phenomena, dealing with full blown covert narcissism. I could have landed on the moon and it was never enough……. sick stuff, very dangerous to health.

      And if you’re Catholic you’re even more up the creek………. just as the perfect empathy/co-dep I keep questioning is this for real, did she really divorce me, is she really a full blown Narc? And every time I try to deny it, wham, the facts scream at me ….. run. Hope you have a support group.

      • ssmmiillee05@yahoo.com'
        michelle
        August 7, 2018

        I recently detached after a 3+ year relationship and a child, I kept thinking I wanted to get married but praise God it did not happen because he is horribly abusive, I have not left out of fear of him trying to take our child but I am strong and with support I am finally free.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2018

      Hi Laurie,

      I’m glad I could help. Keep detaching and healing Dear Lady and you will so make it!

      Huge kudos to you for moving on after all these years.

      You’ve got this!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • clarkch5@hotmail.com'
    Resilient
    April 28, 2018

    Such a great video Melanie! I feel lucky that the narc I was with refused to end an inappropriate relationship I discovered he was having at the time. The narc’s decision truly expedited my healing path. Had he agreed to ending that relationship, I likely would’ve stayed (and the abuse cycle would’ve continued and worsened). I thank God the narc was *honest* enough to tell me he had no intention of ending that relationship. Looking back, he probably thought he had broken me down so much that I would’ve accepted such arrangement.

    Anyway, I want to share a physical sensation I’ve experienced twice after certain NARP healings. You know that feeling you get when your body’s immune system is finally beating a bad cold that’s taken you down — your body is beginning to strengthen, and you’re getting your energy back? That is the sensation I experience after certain NARP sessions. It feels amazing, like I’m turning the proverbial corner in my healing. So glad I found your resources. I’m teaching my school age son to tune into his body whenever he experiences a negative emotion— to release through the top of his head, and to let God’s love pour in. He tried it one day when he felt shameful about something (took him less than one minute) and he expressed instant relief. Please know the big impact you’re having on lives! Your work is amazing. Your legacy, you may never truly know! Thanks again Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2018

      Hi Resilient,

      I’m glad you liked it, thankyou 🙏

      That is fabulous you are so grateful for his choice and I totally agree!

      I totally know that feeling you are talking about … it is like ‘health’ floods through our cells.

      I love that you are teaching your son to heal himself and that his power is within … that is fantastic!

      So much love to you and thank you for your post.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
    Robyne
    April 28, 2018

    I was literally sitting with my head in hands, hunched over, reeling from the cold cruelty, pathological lies and diabolical projections of my daughter wondering …..am I such a bad person, am I so wrong here that I have bought this upon myself…when this video came in.
    I refused being involved with my daughters relationship and partner – mental illness, violent, controlling ex meth addicts who met in rehab, dropped the baby at 1 day old, who pulled baby between them like bouncing balls during their vicious arguments, other child attempting suicide. Contacting the partners parents trying to get help to be told they saw no evidence of what I was saying despite the bruising, black eyes and stitches in foreheads.
    Saying their presence in my life was a blessing…
    After the second massive violent incident witnessed by my son, god only knows how many there really were/are and noticing how baby was distressed at loud voices, I called child protective services and was threatened that if I do I will never see her or my grandchild again. My daughter not accepting my boundary of no contact with her chosen NARC, refusing compromise, trying to bully me and force me into ‘liking’ him, force me into pretending to play happy families. Pretending that they weren’t reaching for knives when they fought, having already been arrested for stabbing him for the second time. that all was well and they were doing really well and were happy and loved each other. Aligning themselves with my NARC husband who led a double life of prostitutes, porn and internet sex, affairs…..
    I am the one causing dramas and problems… I am to blame for what is happening here….I’m not a good enough wife, mother, person that’s why it’s all going on…. I set this up, set them up….made them all do what they did….I am surrounded… I’m drowning

    • wbutts@cybco.net'
      Wade M. Butts
      April 28, 2018

      Stay in the moment. Get involved with a local support group Al-Anon is a good substitute for this type of dysfunction. They also have ACoA groups that can keep you sane, during these times. Get on the Internet and find these groups. And GO!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2018

      Awww gosh Robyne

      My heart goes out to you – this is all so huge and traumatic.

      Please know Dear Lady when things feel like we are drowning, when we are at our absolute wits end, that is when there is only one choice – detach, heal and then find another way.

      Robyne you have been through a lot, and I so would love you just to suspend what is going on ‘out there’ and come into my webinar and get help with what is going on within.

      It will help give you relief and some power back. You need help with this, and I’d love to help you.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Sending you love and healing and hope.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lizajft@yahoo.ca'
    Liza Farrell-Toulouse
    April 28, 2018

    Thanks for this one! I was just talking to my 21 year old son about this very thing tonight before viewing this video. This affirms that my 25 year history with my NPD husband was abusive in this regard also. He used to gas light , & my reaction looked insane. He used to tell me he could have me locked up on psych ward. He worked in mental health field & knew lots of people…..I foolishly thought he could do that. After my son was born & I returned to my career as a sales rep for Purdue Pharma ,I was on my way to a crash…..for five long years I went to doctor , specialist after specialist,,,,seeking what was wrong with me. I had this horrible fear that I had cancer or some other terminal illness that they just couldn’t detect. I suppose a touch of hypochondria is evident. The fatigue, weight loss, burning muscles, rashes, bowel issues , hair loss etc…. they hit me with diagnosis of multiple sclerosis for a few years as a possiblity. Endocrinologist put me on meds to shut down thyroid as family has 3 generation history of Graves‘ disease ( labs were in normal range but I was sooo symptomatic). Psychiatrist/ pain specialist/ internal med doctor took on my case. He was a speaker for Purdue Pharma. When my son hit the end of year picnic for JK. …..I had a seizure or a stroke. This left me in bed for a week……my NPD husband screamed at me that I was just nuts! I ended up in emergency for 24 hours, with spinal tap, blood work etc…. that was the second hospitalization in 3 months. I was off work 6 months…..had to go back because he wanted me to for the company car, & big $$$. I started drinking to address the burning pain & emoti9nal pain….I knew the damn drug I was selling was horrible by this point ( OxyContin) & I couldn’ t bear to lie to doctors & pharmacists anymore…….my body was collapsing due to STRESS in my home, marriage & job! I lost the job after 6 months returning & then quickly progressed downhill at rapid rate to the abyss of raging alcoholic! He went to alanon & I went to AA. After 21/2 years he just said he was done. Then I hit the bottom of the piti dug for myself. After walking to the train tracks & God interceding, I went up to the parish priest instead. From there I went back to the hospital because my Narc had called swat. From that point it was 4 days of a shift from deep within beginning to draw mr toward the Light of Truth…..Jesus Christ. The day on which my miracle occurred was Mother’s Day, May 13, 2007. This is the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima.=== 1917 Miracle of the Sun! That day at Mass I begged her to help me…..to please not let him(Narc) take my children away from me as he had threatened since I first was sick. I simply said, “dear Mother you know what it is like to lose your Son, so please don’t Let him take my children from me!”. When I arrived home I was given the grace of an “ illumination of soul”. I wept from deep within for 2 hours. I knew that I had offended God most of all by all my actions & not living truthfully to myself ….for God is in every soul that walks this earth. The despair I felt was overwhelming! Later that night I fell to my knees for the first time in 22 years since my father died. I asked God to take me home😭😭. For I could not bear to look at 24 hours let alone one second. I could actually see myself deep down in a pit of self pity with unclimbable walls of dirt in the middle of a vast wasteland…..no one anywhere! I waited it seemed like an eternity for Him to give me a heart attack or lightening bolt…. the next words I said came from my heart & soul & spirit….” on my knees with hands in the air, I proclaimed” I give you all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, all my love, all my strength & most of all, all of my Will…..do with me as You Will! When I looked forward I saw Jesus kneeling in the garden of gesthemane looking at me crying……I was there with Jesus in the guarded. I knew that what ?I was suffering was nothing in comparison to the unimaginable suffering He endured for me, for you & every soul ever to be created. The immense Love pouring forth from His heart & soul & tears was overwhelming. I also heard a voice over my shoulder say….” ask & you shall receive”. So I asked for the compulsion to drink to be removed. It was in a split second…..then over my right shoulder I saw a dark cloaked figure….no face ( angel of death or else the demon of addiction). I kept my eyes on Jesus. The next day everything was New, brighter, the Power of the Holy Spirit was soooo real for years. Now ten years later at the 100 anniversary mark of “ Fatima Apparitions “ & 10 years after I saw Jesus …..Satan has stepped up the ante to take down my marriage, my husband’s soul……who is the chief narcissist & father of pride??…..yes that would be lucifer = Satan, Jezebel, leviathan, python, legion , false angels of light & false healings……this Diabolical disorder called narcissism is truly a possession…..

    • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
      Laurie
      April 28, 2018

      Liza, I’m so sorry for what you had to go through, your story has touched my soul very deeply. I understand what you have been through. Like myself who also has multiple sclerosis and other issues that I swear were brought on from the stress that I have endured through my marriage with a narcissistic husband. Your words are inspirational about God. I was just thinking, it’s funny how we forget when we’re under so much stress to reach out to Jesus and the Blessed mother and all the angels and saints. Thank you again for helping me to realize to always ask for help from above. I have to ask Jesus when I do my modules to help me to focus because I have such a hard time focusing on anything because I’m always so stressed out. Like you said, ask and you shall receive. Thank you

      • lizajft@yahoo.ca'
        Liza
        April 29, 2018

        Laurie,
        Thanks for letting me know that sharing my brief testimony helped you. When I saw Jesus I was healed of all my illnesses including the addiction. I was drawn back to my faith in a huge way…..daily Mass, Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, Adoration, and a community of Charismatic Catholics that includes priests who walk in the Holy Spirit, gifts of healing, prophecy, visions, deliverance etc….. sort of a Pentecostal Catholic if you will. Their prayers have been my saving grace during this battle. I too ask for heaven’s help when doing the work of healing.
        Other factor with my husband is his porn addiction & his magic collection (he is entertainer as a hobby). Exorcists have confirmed that there are multiple cursed items he owns & that porn is an opening to demonic obsessions,oppressions & possession as well as the magic crap. The last ten years since I met the Lord have been an ongoing spiritual battle. My husband was very involved in the church for 15 years ( youth group leader, lector, led bible study groups, read bible daily, confession regularly, Lenten fasts etc…, Rosary together for a while). Now he is a prodigal spouse, father & wandering deep into darkness. I am praying for a supernatural encounter for him with Jesus & Mother Mary, to lead him back to God, faith, & me his covenant wife & his grown children. God is in control now! Understanding what entity has plagued him, my marriage & family has led me to a place of forgiveness & healng. I now understand the emotions/ energy connected with the traumas needs to be removed & replaced with the perfect Love of God. Our True self is created in the image & likeness of God & His Son Jesus Christ. The ego & false self are the things we are called to die to in order to be reborn again through the power of The Holy Spirit given to us at Baptism & Confirmation. Many in the church are the “frozen chosen”, with no life within. It is as though our hearts, souls, mind & the Holy Spirit indwelling us is encased & bound up in ice. The light of Christ’s Love poured out on Calvary by His atoning sacrifice of Blood for all who call on His name & the Power of His Resurrection melts this ice when we surrender everything to the Holy Trinity & God’s perfect Will. Jesus I Trust In You! Lord I surrender myself to You, Jesus you take care of everything! Jehovah Rapha heal my soul, wounds, trauma, emotions, heart & mind & bring them into Union with Your Holiness/Love. To be Holy is to Be Whole. In Jesus’ Holy Name I pray. Amen🙏🏻💘💝

  • mtbassman5@gmail.com'
    Martin Tomlinson
    April 28, 2018

    Wow, as usual with your videos you “read my mail” or some (most) of my narc story even though I’m a man it’s so the same! .
    Thank you so much for all your wonderful work and how you’re helping.
    -M

  • lisastjack@yahoo.com.au'
    Leesa
    April 28, 2018

    Thanks so much for this Melanie.
    Around a couple of months ago I started to google why I kept returning this man I had been seeing when normally I was strong and would end a relationship and never return. In fact, after 3 weeks of seeing him I ended it due to so called “red flags” and when he contacted me again weeks later I still had the strength to not return as we were in different stages of life (but mad about each other!).
    Anyhow a couple of months later we did get back together and that’s when the whole destructive to and fro-ing began. And the crazy accusations!
    I did start to go crazy though and he was making me so sick I couldn’t take it anymore.
    This is how I came across you and your talks on Empowered Love Radio while cooking in my kitchen.
    It was an awakening.
    I was so shocked how everything you said was what I was going through. It gave me the courage to finally put him on the spot and address why he thought we were together again….. I ended it as our life goals were spreading further apart.
    I ignored his messages of concern about me two days later (anyone sincere would call) and I moved on. This was over a month ago and although I actually feel worse now than a month ago I’m forcing myself to heal and try to move forward.
    I can’t heal him at my expense and spend my days going crazy knowing he is cheating on me whether it be with women, drugs or god knows….
    It’s a struggle and I feel like I’m mentally going backwards at the moment but I’m a work in progress I guess.

    Thanks Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2018

      Hi Leesa,

      I am so pleased that my material helped give you clarity and get out if the fog to leave.

      Please know willpower is the very hard way to do it, whereas getting straight to identifying and healing our inner traumas that were hooking us to these people, enables us to get out cleanly without the hooks.

      Have you checked out the NARP Program in regard to achieving that?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      There truly is such a difference in going through this or growing through it. NARP is the latter and there is so much relief and even joy in that.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • lisastjack@yahoo.com.au'
        Leesa
        April 29, 2018

        Hi Melanie,

        Thank you kindly. Will power definitely isn’t working….. I will get on to your NARP program

        Much love,
        Leesa xoxo

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 29, 2018

          My pleasure Leesa,

          And that’s great! I look forward to seeing you in the NARP Forum!

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • piglet8791@yahoo.com'
    Cat
    April 28, 2018

    YES!, YES!, YES!!! Thank you so so much. I started NARP in February after finally making it to a safe place alone. Still paying for the mortgage and this safe place. Still under financial strain. Still hooked emotionally with an altruistic N due to my guilt and feeling responsible to help and support and rescue them battling cancer. The N has cancer possibly affecting their brain, traits of BPD, NPD and now I’m noticing signs of something else developing, similar to manic bi-polar tendencies. It has broken me down to a nub physically. The father of the N is also a N pressuring me to stay and save this situation. The mother of the N had mental issues, and is in a psychiatric ward which was the trigger for this house of cards to fall. Last week I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and CPTSD. I have been so far trying to rationalise and hold on to my dream staying in the country o love and moved to, keep my job here and build my life back up again. But in the back of my mind I know the more important thing is to go no contact. And this video was the clarity I needed to finally admit that I need to plan phase B. (Phase A was get out of my house safely and sell it so I can be financially free!). Phase B is leave the country and go back to my inner work and being from the safe distance I need. It’s currently a situation I can see becoming more and more dangerous as his behaviours are stalking and borderline and obsessive at times, throwing crumbs of “sane” altruistic behaviours just long enough so that I think staying here could work. But the reality is, I need to get out of the country to get safe and heal. This video was the “click”, Plus hearing everyone’s comments and experiences. Thank you thank you thank you. I’ll never forget this learning curve and I’ll be forever grateful to you,Mel for shining so much light! Love to you and everyone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2018

      Hi Cat,

      I am so pleased you are gaining clarity about what you need to do.

      It’s so true when our Inner Being tells us the next step … sometimes we just know that it really is.

      Cat are you connected in the NARP Forum so that your Thriver tribe can support you through this? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      You’ve got this Cat and please know we’ve got you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sherswares@gmail.com'
    Sherry
    April 28, 2018

    Melanie, thank you. I feel your love and goodness. Right now I know I’m going downhill. I have detached and found he leaves me alone. In a good way. He doesn’t seem to want to dump me. He’s not a full on narc, and I have had breakdowns before. I believe it stems from my mother. Also, I’m an empath. I’m working on that with the narp program. I just want to let you know what a relief to know I have you and Quatam healing to go to any time. Bless you. Sherry

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Sherry,

      It’s my pleasure and please know our breakthroughs absolutely come when shift out the trauma each time we feel like we are having a breakdown.

      Wishing you continued healing and blessings. You’ve got this!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • beccamthill@gmail.com'
    Rebecca
    April 28, 2018

    Thank you Melanie for these videos. They seem to arrive at just the right time – how do you do that? This was the tactic that kept me stuck with my narc husband – I was the unstable, problematic, angry, crazy one and he was fine. He told me that all of my family and friends agreed with him and before too long I believed him. I was so stuck. My spirit was destroyed but it wasn’t until my body finally broke down in a fairly dramatic and public way that I knew I had no choice but to get out. A year on, I have travelled so far with NARP. What a relief. The biggest thing in the healings for me is when it says that I am safe. Tears nearly always prick my eyes when I hear that. I didn’t realise it before but I’ve obviously felt unsafe for a long time. I now say it to my children when they are anxious/upset about something. Now, simply saying ‘You are safe’ when comforting my children feels incredibly powerful to me. I guess it’s because that’s what I’ve always yearned to hear. Thanks again Melanie.

    Rx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Rebecca,

      That is wonderful that we are in synch!

      I love that you have connected to inner safety now. It is everything to feel safe, whole and complete in our own bodies.

      It is the only way to feel safe in the world, and NARP does that for us!

      Thrive On Dear Lady and how beautiful that you are passing this on to your children.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • stefycobain81@libero.it'
    HappySpirit
    April 28, 2018

    Another super helpful one Melanie! Thank U!

    As you love cat you will probably really enjoy a Catcerto:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmLuEkpij5E

    Hugs*****

    • stefycobain81@libero.it'
      HappySpirit
      April 28, 2018

      p.s. after minute 1.17 the cat starts..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Happy Spirit,

      Thank you, that’s great you enjoyed this.

      Thank you for your share – that’s beautiful!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • kimkelly64@gmail.com'
    Kim
    April 28, 2018

    OMG Melanie,
    I wish that we had crossed paths a long time ago. But obviously the timing was not right for me. Thank you! You are one of those very special and genuinely amazing people who have made a massive difference to my life! In fact, you have made the most! I am healed and still healing and have never been happier. My gratitude is endless! Lookout world!!
    Xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Kim,

      It is so true everything is in Perfect and Divine Timing.

      Thankyou Sweet Lady and I so pleased you are going well and that I could help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • boudjebosma@hotmail.com'
    Boudewien
    April 28, 2018

    Dear Melanie, I could really hug you for this, being ‘at work’ here on the thin line between make or brake right now. Though I know I am on the right track ..even when that means not being ‘ on air’ for now ( which frustrates me (feelings of injustice)but knowing it is for my own best , my time will come 😉 )The biggest thankfulness is for all the knowing put in words I am totally unable to say in this twirl of all you’ re mentioning and… for the fully understanding of it all which makes me feel so heard, seen and valued as a worthy 100% OK- human being.
    What a huge support boost in the right direction . I literally felt the anxiety and fear leaving my body and peace coming inside while reading and listening.Tears of relief. I know I have to get so strong that even the fact that silencing me in his ( their ) own particullar way, and in the meantime showing with totall innocence to the world ( his stage)what a sad victim and big hero he is ,and I know he is fully convinced of that ,will not even touch me anymore .It is true that in weak moments ,when big trauma’s of the past and previous family lifes still bugging me ,it is very hard to stay focussed on myself but I do know it is the only way out.And I will ,…thanks to NARP.
    Truth of the day. !!!
    And keep it coming
    Thank you for this xxxxx
    Boudewien

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Awww Boudewien,

      You are so getting there and making it sweetheart.

      Myself and the angels in this Community are with you all the way.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • boudjebosma@hotmail.com'
        Boudewien
        April 30, 2018

        Thank You ! Melanie ! ❤
        Can I mention something here ?
        This very evening he has been trying to hurt me so very badly , unbelievable( with very mean,low,hidden dark painful messages by the internet, and phone connection entering my private environment .It was really horrible what he did. And nobody knows of course 😟 sadly I am not surprised anymore) just so he is assured I ám hurt either way. Yes of course it did exactly thát what he wanted me to feel. I had huge pain and fear. He lives on my energy. Being very higly sensitive.But because sunday is here,being home I immediately took my NARP on my phone ,Module1 short version. And yes it took the whole session to focus on .And guess what !! all of what was triggered really disappeared. Really ! Afterwards it felt like your words ‘Not being triggered by a Narcissist anymore’ . Wauw. I hope I can hold on to that . and hope people may have faith this way it really works !
        NARP !
        Please everyone , hold on 🙏
        This evening I will continue with NARP module 1 short version and the goal setting ( module 11)To be sure of my own souls’ safety and inner peace. Oh and …
        Who was bugging me again ???? 😂✌😉
        Sooooo,
        Thank you
        Bye
        that’s ‘all’ for now.
        Boudewien 🌷💕

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 30, 2018

          Hi Boudewien,

          That is fabulous that you went within and unhooked and released the traumas he was hitting.

          You are doing great and soon will come the power to remove all his ways of lining you up as his punching bag, as a powerful statement of love to yourself.

          Keep going Dear Lady.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sunshinedesserts@gmail.com'
    Alice
    April 28, 2018

    Thank you Melanie, was just talking to my ex’s previous ex about this today – we are both crazy lol. No common denominator at all! Very strange that his family can’t connect the dots even though they acknowledge (and advised me) that he is a narc. His previous ex and I are both estranged from the family even though we both have children with him (and I still have two of his in my womb!) and we all live in the same area. Whatever! I’m slowly adjusting to the isolation. And actually I’m starting to feel okay about it and questioning why I held them in such high esteem in the first place.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Alice,

      You are very welcome!

      Sending you continued healing wishes, detachment and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
    Laurie
    April 28, 2018

    Melanie, thank you so much for this video. It really came at a time that I needed this. Everything you say is true, I just wish I would’ve known about this along time ago, but I will get over this. It took a long time for this to happen with the abuse of 30+ years , So I’m sure it’s gonna take a little while for me to be Accepting of all this New way I’m thinking. It’s especially hard and painful when you live with somebody that makes you like you are going crazy even though you’re not I think it’s just a phase because you’ve woken up from your fantasy and you see things clearer now and they don’t like that because it changes you. It seems like every day that goes by I feel sad or sick or so emotionally distraught, but I’m wondering maybe I’m feeling this way because I’m actually becoming stronger, My gosh Melanie, what a roller coaster. Thank you again for all your help and your program. I greatly appreciate it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Laurie,

      That is so brave and wonderful that you are dedicating to heal after all those years.

      It certainly is an unravelling and reprogramming process and it’s wonderful that you are working with NARP to do that.

      Also, please know Laurie that you don’t have to do this alone, there is such a tribe of support in the Forum to help you. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Sending you love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Kdebbie74@gmail.com'
    Debbie
    April 28, 2018

    Hi Melanie
    I was envolved with a very covert narcissist for 22 years, I was totally discarded which has totally transformed my life for the better… unfortunately he has convinced my daughter that I am the disordered person and she has stopped having contact with me, this is very hard to deal with… have you got any advice for this situation

    Debbie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Debbie,

      That is so great that you are out and better now.

      I am so sorry about your daughter – that is beyond painful.

      I am creating the next Thriver TV Episode about exactly that topic.

      It will be out next week and I hope it helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • kathleencmiller2@gmail.com'
    Kathleen Miller
    April 28, 2018

    I want to get started on your program which I purchased I think about six months ago. I was married 51 years before I divorced. That was three years ago. I am so broken that my house is a real mess. I am 75 years old and my health is breaking down. I could pass for at least ten years younger.I have a block about about bettering myself. My ex spends a lot of time with our children and has a never ending energy from reviewing my life and struggle. My children turned their backs on me when I divorced their Dad. Of course I miss the four grandchildren too. I was a stay at home Mom because I liked to be with them and support husband and family. I wanted support back from him—–but it was all take away from me. I don’t love myself enough to do the programs I purchase that would help change me. I think I have to get my work done first. I am lifeline for my 80 year old brother. He is near death. Some of our nieces and nephew will come here when he dies. I need to clear up my house fast. I stay up late at night trying to get things done, but it does not work. I excelled at academics and leadership and treating others well when I was young, but grew to find out that I would be taken down if I did better than other family members. I learned to dim my light and take myself down because it hurt less than having someone else put me down. I have done counseling for years and have taken numerous wonderful seminars on how to make me a better person. I am stuck and need to turn my light back on. I am depressed. The sooner I work your course the sooner I get a lot better. I need to get more sleep and more rest.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Kathleen,

      That will be great when you start releasing the traumas with NARP that are unconsciously generating you being stuck in unwellness.

      Dear Lady, truly when you make your Inner Being the highest priority – to love and heal yourself back to wholeness- then everything else can start healing too.

      You can do this Kathleen sweetheart, and there is nothing else to do. And please know the NARP Forum is such a powerful resource to help support you in times of need http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      And if you have any problems connecting please email support@melanietoniaevans.com for help.

      Sending love, courage snd strength to

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lcerutti@bodyworks-pt.com'
    Lisa M Cerutti
    April 28, 2018

    I am having a hard time leaving my narc. Just when I’m ready to cut it off, he is nice to me again. I feel like his slave and he places conditions on our relationship. He’s made comments such as “keep me happy and we’ll be fine”. How do I break away? How do I find the strength to end this relationship? Is there a thriver TV session that can help me find my power and just rip off the band aid?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Lisa,

      what hooks us deeply to them are unconscious parts within us we need to find, release and heal.

      That is the necessary inner work. If you come into my free webinar I’ll show you exactly how to do that work.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      That’s the greatest way I can help you, and please know that there is a way out of the madness.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • lcerutti@bodyworks-pt.com'
        Lisa
        April 30, 2018

        I am a member of this community and have completely all the modules several times. Is there one module in particular that I need to continue doing over and over again? Is there a particular eBook that I need to read again? Not sure what I need to release except fear of abandonment and I need to work on self love.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          May 1, 2018

          Hi Lisa,

          It really does depend what you specifically working on and more information is necessary to work that through with you.

          The place for NARP coaching and support is the NARP Forum where we can work a lot more closely with you than the public blog.

          The forum is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • greenbnk@rogers.com'
      Nickie
      April 30, 2018

      Actually it’s your happiness that counts. Put yourself first and carry through with what ultimately will make YOU happy. It’s obvious (to me) there is no keeping your narc “happy” (YOU complete him, remember?). Your misery and jumping hoops and forever running that hamster wheel to nowhere is what makes him ‘hapot’ There is no pleasing him. He is literally nothing without you if you are not with him to project upon/reflect onto him his ‘existence’. Because you’re doing it all for him. He is the walking dead. You need to live what is your God given birthright and thrive.

  • Annie.largie@gmail.com'
    Lucy
    April 29, 2018

    This article so helpful and affirming to me
    I was able to leave and now divorced my x but adter just 3 years I was SO physically unwell with loss muscle power, heaet arrhythmia, and chronic fatigue like illness, all difficult to diagnose
    Recently the frustration of the physical stuff and me living , now alone, like a very old lady, has been too much
    My dr started me on anti anxiety meds, but I’ve just stopped them because I couldn’t handle the side effects
    I’m christian and totally believe God IS restoring me
    My x was very altruistic and religious, no affairs etc, but the undermining and accusations towards me of being mentally unstable etc were horrendous
    I am only just coming out of the fog , and have days even now, when I wonder if he really was that had my mostly because he was ‘good’ at caring for me , but I know I’ve got to be patient and I will recover
    I am using your tools as well as prayer and worship to help bring me back to health
    I really like your articles, they ring true to what I’ve experienced
    Godd bless you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Lucy,

      Thank goodness you are out and I am so pleased this episode helped validate you.

      Wishing you every success with your healing and recovery Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mocharoke@hotmail.com'
    Anonymous
    April 29, 2018

    Hello Melanie,

    My mother is currently in the midst of a nasty divorce from my narcissistic father. Everything you stated in this blog post is EXACTLY what I’ve witnessed and endured at the hands of my father. My mother was in denial for years about my father and his multiple lives. Much of the success he enjoys today is from the help (narcissistic supply) he received from my mother and her family. My mother’s family helped raise him, feed him, gave him money, and mobilized for him when he needed it. My mother did much of his coursework while he completed his degrees, doted on him endlessly (even as he treated her like trash), and gave him her money. After my mother married my father, he moved her 3 hours away from her family and isolated her from everybody. As the years passed, she became more and more distraught and challenged him and his fragile ego more. He literally sucked the life out of and destroyed our entire family. I suffer from bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and form of agoraphobia. One of my sisters has CPTSD, bipolar disorder, severe depression, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, fibromyalgia, anxiety, and takes a boatload of medications. And of course, my mother, she has been broken in every way you can imagine. After being married nearly 40 years, and being so under his mind control, she has lost on all fronts. The last 15 years were horrible. She suffered an on the job injury and my father was not only glad about it, but he didn’t stay to help her. He left us to do it…BEGGED us to do it so that he didn’t have to. Anyway, my father has turned the entire town against my mother and us. He told outsiders that my siblings and I are insane, and that we controlled their marriage and that my mother never stood up for him. He also told them that my mother was always crazy, unstable, ungrateful and that he did everything to save the marriage and that he just can’t “suffer anymore”. This is all made worse by the fact that he works in law enforcement, so he has all the “evidence” to “corroborate” his claims. He also has connections to find out everything conceivable that he would need to know to gain the upper hand. However, as my sister and I told her, he’s been slowly trash-talking us all for years, because I believe that his intention all along was to leave…even as he took her hand in marriage. He moved in with another woman and has socked tons of money away that my mother has no knowledge of the whereabouts. He said she isn’t entitled to any of it, though he took half of her funds and socked it away with it. She is in a rut and believes she is the crazy one. I sent her a link to this article, and I hope that it helps her. Thank you so much, Melanie for showing me that we aren’t the only ones and pointing us in the direction of healing. I have hope for the first time in a long time.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Awww gosh anonymous,

      This is just awful what you have all been through.

      Please know even one person within a family who profoundly heals can make such a difference for the others to help them rise into that too.

      I’d love you to come into my free webinar to take this to a deeper and more powerful breakthrough level for you and your loved ones: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Sending blessings, healing and love.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
    Janet
    April 29, 2018

    I certainly have found over the past nine years as I have learned about myself and my co-dependency issue and now healing via different healing modalities that due to my early abandonment/isolation wound early in life that without realizing it I had placed my security and safety in the hands of other people….so my well-being and survival was in the hands of others….when I wrote that statement out months ago it was intense to read….I have been receiving shiatsu massages which help to release trauma from our inner cells where it is trapped…also using a modality called “emotional code” which uses muscles testing as well as looks at the heart wall….all very insightful….what is getting released now is anger…anger for having been manipulated by my ex and well just so much of life…but I also learned on a spiritual level with the help of my angel reading that I came into this world to learn to stand on my own two feet and to learn to accept …acceptance has been the tough lesson…accepting how others show up….that not everyone is kind….so I have learned what I needed to learn but have regret of what “could have been had I had this understanding”…..my intuitive counsellor who does shiatsu has helped me learn how to be safe in the world by always asking myself “am I safe”…to listen to my body as it will never lie to me if I stay tuned into it….something I never learned…I never knew about boundaries because I was under the impression that people were good/kind….so I am awake now….I speak up for myself now….and stand up for myself….probably more intense than ever but I suspect that is part of the journey when one has been silenced most of their life…..it’s a slightly different road for each of us to become our true selves…to know we can fix our lives but never try and fix others as that is the false self talking….the ego has a lot to say some days but giving it a name has helped me set boundaries with it….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Janet,

      That is great that you are healing and unravelling all of this, and I wish you beautiful growth and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sarahcraggs@tiscali.co.uk'
    Sarah
    April 29, 2018

    Hi Mel – thank you for yet and another insightful and supportive episode. A couple of things particularly resonated with me:
    1) A couple of years ago my ex (Narc) lost his job and the resultant effect on his ego/ false self was devastating to him – however, for the first time in 20 years I saw and experienced a ‘true’ self for around 3 months – I felt noticed, respected, taken seriously and valued. Of course this didn’t last! As soon as he found another big job where he could massage his ego and generate more ‘supply’ the old self emerged. It was this sharp contrast that finally put into focus for me that things would never change and the ‘nicer’ self I had glimpsed was an illusion. I finally finished our relationship.
    2) Interestingly, although I have, as you discuss in the videos, been swiftly replaced by a new slave/source, I have NEVER missed or longed for my ex, moving on has felt nothing other than an IMMENSE relief!
    3) To me it is really encouraging that I have been so swiftly, completely and thoroughly discarded as this is all the evidence I need that I am healing, evolving and loving myself. The Narc recognises very clearly that I am no longer a source of supply and I no longer feel triggered by his lies and dramas – how great is that!!!
    As always, thank you for your warmth, wisdom and for just being who you are!!
    Sx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2018

      Hi Sarah,

      How wonderful you have broken free to live as your True Self.

      Thank you for your beautiful words and please know you are so welcome!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • elainekenn@gmail.com'
    June
    April 29, 2018

    Dear Melanie
    My ex is trying to win me back. I am feeling confused because he is being so nice and making me tempting offers but I am holding back. There is always so much drama when I try to push him away. Can this pattern happen with a narcissist?

  • mtnlionbait@yahoo.com'
    Donna
    April 30, 2018

    Great talk!

    I just feel I need to say one thing. My narcissist (my late husband) was actually right. Please let me explain.

    We were married 30 years. I was not the nicest or kindest person when we got married; my mother is a severe narcissist and my father… well, he’s a good man, just a terrible parent. And I grew up learning how to behave from them, which you can imagine wasn’t great.

    So when my husband projected, I started to see those traits in myself. But because of how I grew up, I was strong… very strong. And I started to work on those things. He had no idea.

    8 years into our marriage, he became disabled which was a huge blow to that ego that he had grown for so long. I stepped up and got the job to support us, took over all the things he couldn’t do anymore, and learned lots. In fact, just before I went no contact with my mother, she said “you need to find a man to take care of you”, to which I replied “Why? You taught me to take care of myself!”

    Meanwhile, he went deeper and deeper into the narcissistic behaviors.

    When he would call me crazy, etc. I would do self evaluations, study self help books, and even did go to a psychiatrist for 6 months (then the insurance ran out). I gained the tools I needed to keep healing. Step by step, day by day…

    In 2011, I had a breakthrough. I started to realize that every single experience I had, good or horrible, was to train me to become the best I can be in the things that I’m most passionate about. 3 years later, I found my absolute joy in my passion for animals that made every single experience SO worth while. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing….. BUT

    That was also the year things got really bad for him. He was an alcoholic and started having seizures. As I healed, he slowly became more violent. He had this Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality that luckily was the only sign I could see that something wasn’t right and even then, my favorite words were “Fine, fine, Everything is fine”.

    One day out of many where we would go round and round with crazy arguments that would have no resolution, I could see it was like being caught up in a tornado, that went round and round and made no sense and caused so much destruction. I said to him that I’m just about done with this and going to walk away…

    Of course, I stayed, it continued… but more and more I said the same thing, “I’m going to walk away… “ I remember during one of the crazy tornado arguments I stopped him midsentence and said “Is there ever going to be a resolution to any of these arguments?” and he said “I just want to win.” It didn’t matter to him if we could find a compromise or a solution… he only wanted to win.

    THE DAY I WALKED WAY… it was May 1, beautiful outside, I had just talked with family on facebook, said to him how I had plans to remodel our house, and he borrowed money from me to go “fishing”. Came home an hour later drunk. I confronted him about it, he threw a magazine at me and I was so fed up with the craziness I threw it back at him and it hit him in the face… he just sat there for a second.

    I was so appalled at having gotten down to that level, that I said I was going to ride my bicycle around our neighborhood for 15 minutes to burn off my energy and when I got back we could talk. I didn’t make it out of the house… next thing I knew I was on the ground and he was clenching his fists and looking like he was going to kill me. FINAL STRAW… I went to call the police and he wouldn’t let me get to the phone, but my cell was in my pocket. They told me to get out of the house…. We were only blocks from the police station, sirens could be heard right away and he left…

    What happened next saved my life… My state has an automatic 30 day restraining order for domestic violence. If it weren’t for that, I would have taken him back in that day and would have been dead that night. When the officer told me about it, I was so stressed that I started cleaning… He did all the cooking and I had no idea where anything was. And that’s when I discovered it… he had been poisoning me for about 6 months. The substance he was using was everywhere… he quit cleaning up after himself apparently so it was all right there…. And I STILL would have taken him back. In fact, I disposed of the proof and never reported it to the police. Two weeks later, I started to wake up. I filed for divorce and was VERY generous according to the judge who questioned the property division – I had to explain that if I didn’t give him things he thought I valued most (it wasnt), we’d have had the battle from Hell, so the judge ok’d it.

    Then no contact for 1 ½ years… until the week he died. He overdosed on the alcohol. I told him a long time ago that I wouldn’t watch him die. When I walked into the hospital room, he had another seizure. I turned to the nurses, gave them all they needed for family contact, living will, personal history, and turned it all over to my son to make the final decisions and walked out of the room and stayed in the waiting room for information.

    I paid for the funeral.

    Panic attacks started. It’s so ridiculous… they come when I’m afraid of being alone, which is so ironic/crazy because I’ve been “alone” most of my life and I’m doing fine (TRULY this time). One day at the doctor’s clinic for a check up, my doctor said that maybe I’m getting them there because I associate the clinic/hospital with my trauma, and sure enough, ½ hour later, panic attack was gone and blood pressure normal. There almost nonexistent now and I’m slowly weaning off my medication.

    I’m now president of an animal sanctuary. Not in a relationship but have very good close friends. And JOY! Oh, have I found JOY! I’m starting to enjoy being single and plan to explore this for a while since this is my first time being “alone”.

    Thank you again for all you do!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2018

      Wow Donna,

      That is some incredible life and story.

      I totally 100 percent agree with you that the Ns in our life had the ability to pinpoint our ‘stuff’ and bring it to our attention.

      I’ll never forget waking up and realising ‘you don’t love yourself at all and you are a total victm’ was 100 percent accurate.

      Donna thank goodness that madness is finished and I wish you continued joy with the animals and profound healing and breakthrough after everything you’ve been through.

      And please know you are very welcome.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sevass@rogers.com'
    Siobhan
    April 30, 2018

    Thank you for speaking to this very important topic. I started to go down this rabbit hole and it was your healing modules and conventional therapy that set me on the path of radical responsibility and healing. I now realize my behaviour was appropriate for my experience.

    I now know health people will seek help and understanding to heal their inner hurt. And make strides to evolve and learn new ways to live life that nurish them and not sabotage themselves.

    Two and a half years since I was discarded and I am so glad it happened. I am coming into my own power in a way I never knew was possible before my involvement with N.

    With love in my heart and joy for life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2018

      Hi Siobhan,

      You are very welcome 😃

      I am so pleased you turned inwards and have come so far in your evolution and healing.

      It’s lovely hearing about your Thriving!

      Siobhan I completely agree with your post and thankyou for it.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • cpascale66@gmail.com'
    Connie
    April 30, 2018

    Breast cancer all of 2016. Married 20 plus years, divorced 6 weeks. Whilst in chemo, my narc would not take care of me- started gym at 4am, testosterone shots, coming home at 930pm . He started an affair and then discarded me but not until he had made sure I was broken in every way. During our marriage he had come and gone over 10 times but always blamed me. In the end I was not even functioning and my oncologist suspected my cancer was a direct result of his abuse. ( the stress) I’m now in treatment for PTSD and still, everyday feel like my life has been totally destroyed. I am much more peaceful but feel I will never find another to love. As they all are- When he was good he was very very good but when he was bad he was horrid. He too called me the crazy one, I need prof help, I was insane etc….selfish, ugly , everything was my fault. I feel so hopeless.

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      Julia
      April 30, 2018

      Look on the bright side. He is gone. Don’t let him ever come back again.

    • mitchyt54@gmail.com'
      Michelle
      May 1, 2018

      I was called ugly and fat and constantly called a whore.He also blamed me for everything.He manipulated his mother into trying to get my sister to have me sectioned.Luckily my sister thought that was ridiculous and stopped contact with her.What I want to say to you is that you can find another love.I did what Melanie suggested and used a dating site for older people.I was 60 when I met my husband (the same age ) I thought you couldn’t fall in love at that age but HOW WRONG WAS THAT ? We have a marvellous marriage .This is the kindest,sweetest most thoughtful loving man .We’ve been together 3 years now.You deserve a better relationship next time and it CAN happen .Don’t give up .Isn’t Melanie absolutely wonderful ? .Much love to all fellow Narc.sufferer’s /survivors .

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        May 1, 2018

        Awww Michelle,

        I am so happy for you that you are up and out the other side and that you are so happy 😁

        Thank you Sweet Lady for inspiring others.

        Much love

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Mayrose34@yahoo.co.uk'
        Betty
        May 6, 2018

        Manipulate me! You tried to get David sectioned, I just told your sister you were driving me to a nervous breakdown, calling me swearing and being abusive, when my husband was dying. Telling my son you were going to divorce him when he was seriously ill, having an accident making money for the bills when you were sat on your backside. Poor Tony, a perfect marriage! You keep harping on about David. Grow up Michelle let David rest in peace. I know a lot about you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 1, 2018

      Oh Connie,

      I totally get that you feel like that after what you have been through, which is horrific.

      Please know Dear Lady there is a way to heal that myself and so many others thankfully found.

      I’d love to help hold you hand and wrap the arms of this loving community around you to help.

      The first step is here sweetheart http://www.melanietoniaevabs.com/freecourse

      Sending you hope, love Bx healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lcerutti@bodyworks-pt.com'
    Lisa
    April 30, 2018

    I am a member of this community and have completely all the modules several times. Is there one module in particular that I need to continue doing over and over again? Is there a particular eBook that I need to read again? Not sure what I need to release except fear of abandonment and I need to work on self love.

  • iPassportALM@gmail.com'
    Kelly
    May 2, 2018

    Just in time. Now that I have seen my own vulnerability, I see other people still in the throws of this problem. This timing of you posting this Thriver TV episode I think came to you through our efforts to join the healing collective together.
    I am hoping, wishing and praying that I can get my friend on board to do your healing program. After being discarded almost a decade ago, he is unable to work, and his ex-Narc (who teamed up with the first ex-wife) has him cornered through child support issues. Worse yet, he has been taking antipsychotics for almost a decade. I tell him it is like taking an antibiotic for HER ear infection. Much as he loves her and wants to help her, him taking the antipsychotics will never help her! I intend to fully support his decision no matter what he does. If he needs to go on disability because he can’t work, I will be behind him. But I would like him to recover himself to the man I knew before he met her (and the first ex-wife). I hope for him to be thriving soon! Keep up the good work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 2, 2018

      Hi Kelly,

      You are very welcome.

      Hold dear in your heart that his inner being will help guide him back to help and healing … and then he can join you where you are at regarding him.

      We will be here for him when he is ready.

      Many blessings to you and your dear friend.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • ms.cwmco@gmail.com'
    pati
    May 5, 2018

    Dear Mel,

    I love your blog; alongside other resources it has helped me to finally “break free”. I can’t say it’s easy now, but I am slowly piecing my life back together.

    I have a little question – when I met my latest Narc (#2) I had previously broken up with Narc #1 two years prior. I had done quite a bit of inner work with a therapist, and I had gone on a wonderful pilgrimage that had changed my life. When I met #2 I was, I think, very happy with myself, with who I was and about being single. I loooved my life and my career.

    I have been with #2 for almost ten years. For the first 2-3 years I constantly wanted to leave him. I had no idea about the word Narcissism but I knew he wasn’t in alignment with the Universe (for me I call it the Tao) the way I had learned to be. Anyway, for a really long time he didn’t let me leave. Admittedly there was something in me that “allowed” him to do it; but also I was breaking more and more each time. He didn’t let me work, took all my money, you know the usual.

    Even though I felt “whole” and “full of happiness” before I met #2; now I feel like an empty shell. I feel jaded, I don’t like my work anymore, I don’t believe in what I do, I only do it for “empty” reasons (like maybe his idea of success), but I am no longer driven by the satisfaction of the work itself, I don’t feel excited to “discover” (even though I put my life on hold for him). Obviously I am also ten years older, so I am less attractive and have lost many years that my colleagues have spent building their careers.

    Why do you think I felt “whole” before but I can’t reconnect with that now?

    Thank you again for your wonderful work.

  • indigosunrise9@yahoo.com'
    M. Wilkinson
    May 6, 2018

    I finally was able to get away from the Narc two weeks ago. I had to strategically move my belongings and find another place to live. He Is a classic narcissist in how he made me out to be the crazy one. I filed a domestic violence report last May. I was finally able to get myself to go get all of the police reports and I felt sick to my stomach when I read all of the lies that he had convinced the police officer of that day. He has convinced his family and friends that I’m delusional and tells me I’m insane. Im in hiding now and fighting for my reputation and career.

  • indigosunrise9@yahoo.com'
    M. Wilkinson
    May 6, 2018

    I’m subpoenaed as the witness in a trial against the Narc. He is working diligently at discrediting me. He threatened to ruin my career at least 40 times now. He told me he was abandoning me in another country wile we were on our honeymoon! And then to throw myself in front of a bus and kill myself. On several mornings as I was leaving for work, he told me he hoped I died in a car accident that day. We have only been married for 14 months and I’m praying I will be granted an annulment. I want this to be over, to heal, and to close that door.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2018

      Hi M Wilkinson,

      You poor thing, sending love and strength to get through this and we all wish that for you too.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Shea.e.john@gmail.com'
    Shea
    May 24, 2018

    I was just discarded. I have only been married to my husband for 7 months, but it felt like a lifetime. Unfortunately I got pregnant and it is making the discard so much painful. So much of what I read here matches him perfectly, but I am still confused by some things. One, he never tried to drain my finances. Two, he would have moments when he would break down and cry and say he
    knew he was the cause of our problems and he feels sick thinking about the things he did. Is a narcissist capable of this? However, this would come after I had enough of his cruelty and was ready to leave. He would accept responsibility for everything and promise to change. He would sob. But before doing this he would tear me down more, to the point I thought I would die. Then the apology came. I finally had enough completely and moved out and he made huge promises that everything he had done was in the past and I would never have to worry about him doing those things again. For three weeks he was kind, thoughtful, loving, patient. I was told he would never leave me, that he’s so sorry for what he did. That he knows he doesn’t deserve another chance. That being near me was heaven. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me. That I was the most important thing to him. That he would never stop fighting for me and our family. For three weeks. Are they capable of doing this if they’re known for projecting and not taking responsibility? His behaviors started to surface again and after a week of it I left again and he tracked me down and made even bigger promises and pledges, only to discard me 4 days later and act completely apathetic toward me and say that our marriage had no good memories for him and he felt no anxiety since he had left but just one conversation with me was causing his back to tighten up. This was after saying I was his everything that he couldn’t live without me days before. Just days before it was being away from me that caused him anxiety. I guess I’m confused by his ability to take responsibility and own up at times. Is this possible for them?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 25, 2018

      Hi Shea,

      You poor thing, my heart goes out to you.

      Yes a narcissist is capable of those things … we are adored and abhorred on a dime.

      And there can be apologies and then regular discards regardless.

      Shea I would love to help reach out to you in this difficult time by offering you my free resources including 2 very comprehensive ebooks that will explain so much to you.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending you healing and strength.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Shea.e.john@gmail.com'
    Shea
    May 24, 2018

    I’m also confused because he does attend church and can talk about how loving God and Christ are like he really gets it and believes it. Is this possible for a narcissist? Nearly everything I read here matches him, but I’m so confused because of these things.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 25, 2018

      Awww gosh yes Shea,

      In amongst religion and spirituality and the most respected of therapies and practices Ns can be. It’s actually common.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • kglassier@yahoo.com'
    Krystal L
    June 2, 2018

    What a great vidio and did help me realize i was not the crazy one. I do have some questions. When he finally had me feeling that I was crazy, needing help and had nothing else to feel good about, he just one day said he didn’t love me anymore and wanted out. He did this the day after my nephew committed suicide. He showed no emotion what so ever, all he said was sorry for the bad timing. We had been together for 4 years, my family liked him and he even commpletly blocked them and had not feeling. Is this normal?
    Of cource now I have found out that he had met someone months before this and had someone waiting for him to leave me and sale our house we shared. He didn’t even say goodbye to my son.
    What kills me is the girl he is now with is 10 years younger than me and had 3 kids!! She has no idea what she is in for and how she needs to protect those kids. He swooped me up right after my divorce with flowers every week, gifts, notes and compliments. He loved to show me off, he even payed attention to my son who was 10 at the time. Then I started to noitce things about him and you know what starts to happen. He beat me down mentally, belittled me, told me I needed help, that I lied and could not be trusted—
    Then one day just ended it.
    For months I begged for him back, told him i would get help, do anything I could to make him happy, that I would change. He wanted nothing to do with me and seemed happy and not sad about are break up. He continued to say we wouldn’t work because he didn’t trust me, that I was mean and crazy!
    I am finally starting to find me, it will take awhile but i just need to know that it is not me, that he has some problems? Will he changes? Will the new girl change him and her children?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 2, 2018

      Awwww Krystal,

      My heart goes out to you. Please know this is exactly the treatment that so many people in this community have received.

      If you google my name plus every question you have asked here, you will find so many resources which can explain this in the full detail that will help you understand what this really is about.

      I hope this can help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mktsp2@gmail.com'
    E.
    June 10, 2018

    I had (still have) a narc mother. She really destroyed me professionally beyong repair. I went crazy for years and years. She and my enabling father still portray me as crazy to others. Fortunately I live far away from them but still talk shortly on the phone every month.

    What is unbelievable is that no matter how much evil they have done to me, they don’t realize it, not even in the slightest sense. It is as if they lack certain neurons in the brain. They always ask for more pain, more distruction.

    Your video really creates a lot of expectations. Nicely made.

    My plan now, is to go no contact. It is difficult for me because my tender side gets the best of me, after a few weeks of not talking to them. And of course, another issue is the fear that I will get cut off my part of the inheritance I am entitled to (so that my brother will take everything).

    Thank you
    E.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2018

      Hi E,

      It really is true that the disorder does make people oblivious to how they impact others.

      It is great that you are going to honour you.

      Sending you love and blessings to you and your courage and decision.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • rhymewithdance@gmail.com'
    Scout
    July 11, 2018

    I just went no contact on the third NPD I’ve had in my life since 2015. The first was a workplace bully. Devastating. The second one piggybacked on the first was an online dating connection who actually explained to me that he was from a family of narcissists and was trying to not be one himself. That was the first I’d heard of NPD. I went no contact with him after the rage surfaced one day and then began researching NPD. That’s when I came across your work. It has been so helpful on my path to recovery!

    In fact, armed with deep knowledge on this topic by the time the third abuser came along on an online dating site last year, I recognized the signs immediately. My intuition told me he was trouble right from the start, but I ignored it. He was cute and funny, charming as heck and we had lots to talk about. He turned out to be the worst of them all. For the last year, I’ve subjected myself to his gas lighting, projection, baiting, minimizing, objectifying, pathological lying, triangulation, disappearing, and his specialty, the silent treatment. And, of course, he denied it all and said I was doing all those things to HIM. I think I stayed in it with a need to prove him wrong, to show him that I am interesting, kind and capable of a healthy relationship, whether friend or otherwise. What I didn’t quite grasp then was that I was trying to be ‘normal’ with someone who is NOT capable of ‘normal’. Won’t make THAT mistake again.

    We were only texting, and long distance. Never met in person. Seemed ‘safe’ enough. No romance, just a little flirting. I knew I was bringing healthy communication tools to the conversation. I had learned how to set healthy boundaries (he crossed them all) and to stick up for myself (which was met with contempt that I was ‘sassing’ him). What could go wrong I thought, I can leave any time. But then I got caught up in the crazy making. The more I pushed back with all those skills I’d learned, the worse it got for me. Even though I knew what he was doing and thought myself immune to both his charms and his abuse, I got sucked in. Again. To me, we were just talking about movies and books and music. To him, it was about control and making me feel worthless as a human being.

    His last big move was triangulation, which started after I called him out on bad behavior that I explained was triggering PTSD from my previous NPD contacts. Even though I was careful to say it was MY issue, not that I was accusing him, he waved it all off and said he was not going to defend himself to me anymore. What followed were a week’s worth of texts that made no sense, or that sounded like a replay of a script he’d run on me a year before when he was flirting and luring me in with charm, or that were just off enough to plant the idea they were meant for someone else. I felt this sequence of moves on his part was leading up to a discard. He had done it before, and always came back, but I sensed this time the discard would be big, brutal and final.

    Instead of taking the bait of those ‘mistaken texts’, I cut him off. Adrenaline kicked in, survival I suppose, knowing I didn’t have the energy to go through another horrible, orchestrated ending from someone who seemed to have no remorse. I went NO CONTACT, cold turkey, just shut off my phone one day for a week (texting was our only mode of contact). And guess what? I never heard from him again. Appears he WAS about to discard me, I just beat him to it (in the past he would have sent me a ‘don’t ignore me text’). Three weeks have passed, so I think (and hope) he’s gone, it definitely doesn’t feel like the silent treatment this time. Just poof! Vanished. It’s as if a year of talking, every day, sometimes 20-30 texts from him a day, never happened. Like I never existed. And I believe in his mind, I really didn’t. Not as an individual. I was just part of a harem, my usefulness had come to an end, and I was replaced. The end. Well, I sincerely hope that is the end. The alternative is what he said about his past relationships: He holds a grudge, and he certainly badmouthed ex-girlfriends to me (and I was not a romantic interest) in the last couple of weeks, telling me…wait for it…he had to leave them, they were acting CRAZY.

    So given that I recognize the signs of an abuser, the ‘why’ I was repeatedly getting into the same scenarios is baffling to me. That’s where I am in my recovery. After watching this episode from you, I see it a little more clearly. Seems some early childhood wound (I am only just starting to identify) is still bleeding, and that brings round the emotional vampires to feed. I’ll be working on that to free myself once and for all of these traumas. All of them.

    Mostly, I will not ignore my gut again. Please if you are in any position to do so, walk away as soon as you see the abuse or sniff that something feels off! No Contact is the only way to freedom from this kind of insidious behavior. RUN, RUN, RUN.

    Thank you for bringing attention to this issue and offering support in healing from emotional abuse. There are not a lot of people in my life who get what emotional abuse feels like or why I didn’t just walk away. Someone asked me the other day why I keep attracting the same sort of abusive people into my life. Great question I aim to answer once and for all in the recovery work ahead of me.

    Wishing you all safe healing and a happy heart.

  • sonialmahoney@gmail.com'
    Sonia
    July 13, 2018

    Oh Mel,

    I am having a particularly hard day today but this episode has propelled me forward, thank you. I know I need to keep pushing through but at times the temptation to reminisce about the “good” times with my husband (the narcissist) is overwhelming and cause me to think I miss him. I will never put myself in his harmful path again, but at the moment it is a struggle to feel safe and happy. I am eternally grateful to you, will stay in the moment and go and wash my car in this beautiful July sunshine. I hope you are going well.

    Regards,

    Sonia x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 14, 2018

      Hi Sonia,

      Sweetheart I am so pleased this has helped, and I really urge you (if you haven’t already) to connect to my inner transformational healing methods.

      They make such a difference to recovery http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Maybe it’s time Dear Lady to take it to this level?

      I’m doing well and thank you for asking.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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