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When we end a relationship with a narcissist – it can be a terrible and painful experience to realise there is no closure.

There is no “I’m sorry, I treated you terribly”, there is the absence of “I realise that if I had done things differently we could have worked”, or “The way I treated you was disgraceful”. Often, horrifically, there is no explanation for the cruel ability to abuse and manipulate you, and then discard, abandon and move on as if you never existed.

Most narcissistic abuse sufferers struggle terribly with this – and experience the anguished feelings of “What did I REALLY mean to him or her?”

These feelings of non-closure can create a powerful hook, whereby you feel like you are waiting for some sense of closure. You may feel like you deserve an apology, some sort of explanation, or even some evidence that the narcissist’s life is miserable now that you’re not in it.

From where you’re sitting, it feels like none of this exists, and it may even feel like you’re stuck and you can’t move on without this closure. How do you get on with your life when you can’t have closure?

Additionally, you gave so much of yourself, and to what avail? Not to mention the horrific loses that you experienced along the way. And the narcissist has skipped off into the horizon, continuing life as normal without even skipping a beat. Where is the justice?!

Insult is added to injury when you start experiencing: the more you want closure from the narcissist, the less you get it…

For many people, after suffering a narcissistically abusing relationship, it feels like you have been punished, that life has dealt you a terrible blow – and you are desperate for some form of closure…

You may call, text or write letters to the narcissist, venting your feelings, fishing for answers, trying to coerce him or her to respond like a normal human being, force some accountability, and you may spew forth your pain to try to activate some sort of guilt.

However, no matter what you try, it doesn’t work; leaving you even more desperate for closure.

It’s a horrible, vicious cycle.

 

Human Closure Versus Narcissistic Closure

Closure may be possible if you were dealing with a normal human being, because the fundaments of normal human interaction are about having a conscience, and possessing the ability to consider other people’s feelings.

There are relationship endings that do exist whereby one or both parties has genuine concern in regard to creating closure, decency and respect when going separate ways.

This, however, is not the narcissistic reality.

Do you believe ‘everything happens for reason’?

I do, and I have found that this acceptance is one of the biggest keys in recovering from narcissistic abuse. I’m coming up to that part soon…

As you well know by now, the narcissist does not have this functionality – and no matter how much you would like him or her to grant you something, anything to help you gain closure – the narcissist has no perception, or desire to do that.

In fact your trying to gain closure keeps offering the narcissist A Grade Narcissistic Supply. It supplies attention, and the ability for the narcissist to feel incredibly important that you are so affected by what he or she has done.

Let’s face it, in the midst of narcissist abuse you met head on with lack of accountability, zero conscience and a total lack consideration for your feelings. If you didn’t receive decencies then, why would you now? Nothing has changed…

I know that we all have had the hope that somewhere, somehow the narcissist will get it…genuinely get it…and that this would mean, one day after breaking up, you would receive sanity, ownership, signs of regret and remorse…

In fact you may have seen these things before, but you know it doesn’t hold, and therefore these feelings are not genuinely felt or owned by the narcissist, and certainly are not, and will not be applied in his or her life, or dealings with you.

 

True Closure

Now I’m going to get to the ‘everything happens for a reason’ part. And this is crucially important because if we don’t believe everything happens for a reason, then we remain a victim.

Being a victim creates powerlessness.

Why? Because we are choosing to believe that life is non-sensical, random and cruel, and we are powerless in a threatening version of life. In fact we feel so powerless that we have to wait for external situations to fix the way we feel about life and ourselves.

This is incredibly fragile, precarious and dependent on things and people that we have no control over, simply because anything outside of our ‘self’ cannot be controlled.
The only control we ever have is with ourself.

There is no denying that narcissistic abuse is one of the most (if not the most) empowering opportunities (via total emotional devastation) to get aligned with your essential Life Truth that will set you free in every area of your life, and not just within relationships.

This truth is: The Creation Of Your Life Is Never Dependent On What Someone Else Is Or Isn’t Doing.

Through the experience of narcissistic abuse you were pulled out of your own power, and your entire feelings of Survival, Security and Identity became what the narcissist was or wasn’t doing.

This created your state of already existing codependency to be highlighted significantly, and allowed you to be abused.

When we recover from narcissistic abuse truly all of the illusions that something or someone outside of us is responsible for our state of self are released – because at True Self level anything or anyone else is ABSOLUTELY NOT responsible for us.

Your True Closure is this:

  • What happened was meant to be for very important reasons.
  • You hadn’t previously realised that your own lack of self-worth, self-love and poor boundary function attracted, allowed and enabled this to happen.
  • Without this experience you would never have been able to clean up what you needed to in order to become empowered.
  • You absolutely do have the resources within yourself and available in life to do this essential work on yourself.
  • You can now become dedicated to yourself in order to create the life that is truly aligned with what you want, and
  • This needed to happen, in order for you to create that alignment.

From where you are right now, this may seem to be a Quantum Leap – and I promise you, I’ve been there, I know what that feels like.

I can totally assure you, however, that when you do the right work on yourself, which is about claiming and healing your unhealed parts, that you will be grateful – incredibly grateful. Because you will know that your narcissistic abuse situation was in fact a co-created dance of divinity that allowed you finally to come home to yourself.

You will also know that there are no victims and no villains, and that you soul is always creating perfectly the circumstances and situation necessary for you to heal and become aligned with Who You Really Are. There are NO mistakes…

By accepting and knowing all of this you will be free to move forward and create…

and you will 100% know…

No-One Owes You Anything! It’s Not Their Job!

You owe YOU everything, and when you get THAT Right, you will effortlessly attract those people that add more of the same, and no longer play, struggle and obsess with those that don’t and can’t.

If you found this article helpful please join over 20,000 people who receive weekly guidance on how to not just survive… but thrive after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which lay out the vital first steps you need to take in order to recover.

You can sign up for free here.

Please feel free to post your comments in regard to your experiences of non-closure with the narcissist and how you feel about this topic…

 

 

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Commments (224) + Leave a comments

224 thoughts on “There Is No Closure With Narcissists

  1. Hi Melanie, I was in a four and a half month relationship with a narcissist. After the perfect “honeymoon” period he became distant, gaslighting, projecting, rage, lying etc then eventually broke up with me in claiming he wanted to be on his own and there were plenty of reasons why i was wrong for him (although he couldn’t tell me one!). Three weeks later I received a call from his new girlfriend, whom he had told that I was harrassing him (I contacted him twice to get stuff back and he ignored me both times). When we got talking we discovered that he had lied to both of us and had started seeing her a month before he broke up with me (met her on a blind date). After our conversation she broke up with him. When I asked how he could do this (after him slamming the phone down on me a few times but eventually came past to drop my things off) he screamed at me and said that it was all my fault. By this stage I was very angry and he could see this, so kept going on about how cross I was and using this as the reason for his lying and cheating. Not one word of apology.
    By the end of all this I was extremely traumatised and felt a shell of my former self. I then started doing the internet research about healing from cheating and then ended up on this website. In the three months since we broke up, I have become much stronger and healed a lot through reading your books, blogs etc and have stopped obsessing over the details but a week ago I thought it would be proper closure to have a cup of coffee together with him to discuss what happened like reasonable adults and not be seen as “the enemy”. I would have been very comfortable admitting that I had discovered my own weaknesses and what role I had to play in everything. Needless to say, he didn’t respond to my text message.
    Reading this blog has reaffirmed my thoughts, as you have said countless times, he is who he is and I have to accept that in order to really move on I have to create my own closure and live in my true self to attract authentic love.This is the first time in 43 years that I have ever had such an ugly break-up, but I know (and embrace!)that this all happened for a reason and is part of my own growth and journey as a person. It is not about him anymore.
    Thank you for posting this blog and for making the message hit home once and for all!!

    1. I am loving this website also.It is helping me heal from the Narcissus abuse. I had allowed him to run all over me and start feeling bad about who I am. After reading the articles and blogs I know I am worthy of anything or anybody I want. I can start my true healing process now and find forgiveness in my heart for him. I need to forgive him so i can move on with my life and move out of God’s way. GOD said vengence is mine and I will repay. I don’t hate him and with me forgiving him I no longer am a victim.

      1. On my God this blog, your response was indeed God speaking directly to me. Recently I cried out to God asking where was the vengeance, remorse, consideration. I’ve need divorced from him now three years, he’s about to remarry a former babysitter, bought a new condo, car, moved , has a new job, and is just living life without forethought and I’ve been mad as he’ll! The word says vengeance is mine, and yes this all had to happen in order for me to grow into the woman God intended. The whole narcissist relationship is against ALL intends and obviously never the way he intended it to be. It’s time to realize that it realize that it really all did happen for a reason and God was it! A hard reality for a Christian to accept but true.

    2. this morning i decided to talk about my experience with my xN, bc i feel this is the best place to do so. this is something new for me as my pride gets in the way. here is my story. i was with my N for 8 yrs. after 3 yrs of dating bc i have 2 children an needed to b very careful, we decided to move in together bc he had shown to b the knight and shining armor & dedicated father to my then 5 &7 yr old. since their biological father didnt want a relationship with them he became their father. so perfect he was. to me a perfect husband. after a year of living together he asked me to marry him in front of his family on xmas eve and asked my dad for my hand in marriage. all was great. a fairytale he never had a temper was always there when the kids & i needed him, a great provider. we had spoken of also having a baby and decided on names. we started to plan the wedding,the only thing wrong was his mother did not like me bc i was divorced with children while he had none, so she felt he needed to find someone richer and more successful to meet her standards. he told her to accept it. anyway, 6 mths later i found phone calls & txt messages from a girl, i confronted he apologized said he would stop. so i thought maybe it was a 1x thing. then i found more red flags with the same issues a few times more, but from online chats and personal singles ads. i let it go again bc he said he was sorry & cried for forgiveness. so i forgave. 2 yrs. later i find out when he started his new job he started an affair with a married coworker. this time i wasnt gonna let it go like i always had. i got solid proof confronted him with it and he cried and said he wanted togoto counseling. after that failed bc i found out he was still involved i called her husband, his mistress told him the next day my xn went from wanting to work it out to cold distant and cruel. I asked him for a separation last year he left with a few things &said he loves me but didnt know what he wanted.so being desperate to save our family i begged him to goto counseling,after 5 months of no effort from him on ending or reconciling the relationship, he left with i love u but im still undecided. so i asked him to get all his things out of our home. that was 9months ago. he would only talk to our daughter but ignore me & my son. but in all this time he would give me money for bills. then the last conversation he said he was not with anyone and he was gonna start individual counseling to fix his issues so he could come home. he didnt ever call my daughter for her bday later that month. i cut all conact from us to him. he never was accountable for anything. he never apologized. he was like someone i didnt even recognize. this person in front of me resembled the man i fell in love with but wasnt him. he had no empathy for others. so in that time i decided to end the bs counseling i found out i had cancer. i told him i needed him there & he just said sorry to hear that but i cant im busy. wow.. i couldnt believe it. so that was another thing to add to my pain. the loss of my life i had come to love, my relationship, the family we had built, then my health was in question, and having to also tell my children i was sick while they are grieving the loss of our family. it sux. so i began treatment on my own and have somehow in the last year in & out of a zombie like state have forced myself to pull my family together. then a month ago i found out he had lied to me about not being with anyone, turns out his new girlfriend who he started dating almost ayear ago i assume is 7 months pregnant. in this time bc of my cancer i found out i will have to get a hysterectomy & will no longer b able to have children. so im falling apart it seems but u wouldnt tell bc i dont talk about it. my kids need me to b strong, i need me to b strong, but it is hard. i am very angry @ him. I hate him. she is able to give him the life of a child while my ability will be taken away.so all the signs of a passive aggressive somatic narcissist fit him to a T. I never knew what ws going on with him. it wasnt until a counselor mentioned npd then i read it and i was happy bc i knew i wasnt crazy. i found where i could relate. it was also sad bc i found it was not anything that would ever change. it was in him. looking @ it all from 10 yrs. ago when we first met as friends i can see the patterns. he was the golden child for his family who is spoiled by them who gets what he wants given to him. but his mother is never happy with him bc she says he is wasting his life bc he didnt follow her plan to be a successful attorney.He wants her aproval but doesnt get it.the problem with him was he needed constant validation and attention. it was crazy. couldnt work anywhere or do anything without cheating.it is hard for me to let go without closure.Left saying i love u but im still undecided & im going to counseling in Feb. he never ended it. i feel stuck bc of it. then i feel like she is getting better from him. that maybe he will change for her. then i tell myself she is where i was long ago. soon she will uncover what i had. my self esteem is low. i am 37 and know i need to focus on my health first and formost as well as my children. but with starting treatment again and knowing i need to mourn the loss of bearing children opens up all that i need to mourn that was so recent of the life i loved soo much for so many years. too bad i was the only one genuine in all of it.

      1. Amanda,Cancer is a disease caused by deep resentment held for a long time until it eats away at you. You must focus on yourself, not him or her. learn to love yourself, and accept yourself. A new world will open up for you.

        1. @Amanda, I am so sorry for your troubles and hope your treatment goes well. Stay strong.

          @Dawn Eve — your thoughts about accepting yourself are great, but Amanda did not “cause” her cancer. That just is not biologically possible. .

          1. Rebecca, check out the Abraham Hicks website on the law of attraction. Creating cancer via emotions is no different than having ones eyes water through emotions. We absolutely bring everything into our experience through our thoughts. Be well.

        2. Amanda, when u breathe let the breath flow all the way thru dont let it stop…it will flow out of ur vagina …by u stopping ur breathe there it is creating stress there…because that is the part u hate because he took it from you…let the air of your breathe flow all the way thru u will feel the blood circulating and let all the stress out…then take another breathe…no more short breathes

        3. Amanda, I have only just seen your post and story. I hope things have improved for you and you are a little stronger since this post.
          My husband and i were together for 24 years and had an extremely loaded and intense relationship. However, having recently separated, under very sad and devastatingly shocking circumstances, i am now in no doubt that he has Bpd with narcissistic traits.
          Fortunately he never lied or cheated on me during our time together. However, there was a great deal of physical, verbal and emotional abuse during times of conflict and confrontation. His thinking was always very black or white, and he completely and utterly either idealised me or demonised me. I could never understand why such an intelligent, caring, charming thoughtful loyal generous kind and successful man was never able to have a mature healthy debate disagreement or row with me. Yet, he could and has many times, very easily assisted and offered sound advice to other people with their personal problems etc. He always said, it was because he was emotionally detached from them, why he could do so, yet couldn’t communicate similar and help resolve our problems to try to save our marriage. It was always extremely strange to me and I had no idea why or what this was, which I was endlessly dealing with and always desperately trying to change and fix.
          I knew from day 1, that something was not quite right with him, and repeatedly and increasingly throughout our relationship questioned this openly with him, but despite repeatedly expressing my concerns, making my feelings of frustration and resentment clear to him, and repeatedly and increasingly threatening and actually trying on several occasions to end the relationship and later our marriage, I was either ignored, apologised to, pleaded and begged to stay, emotionally blackmailed with his, what were very genuine tears and visible distress, self harming in front of me (telling me it was all my fault for being judgemental, critical, controlling and rejecting him), and increasingly his threats and actual suicide attempts, following my refusing to accept his impossible and crazy behaviour and reactions during our rows and me rejecting him.
          I am posting part of my story here now, reference to your situation, because, I am at present like yourself also unwell, and although i do not want to sound a victim here by any means, i am purely sharing this part of my story for your benefit, so as that you know that you are most definitely not alone in what you are going through, and that, there are other people who totally understand your situation.
          I have an existing chronic physical medical condition and additionally, on top of dealing with that and the pain , devastation and confusion regarding the circumstances involved in the final ending of my marriage after 24years together, I have just come out of hospital after having a blood transfusion, and also, like yourself i have just been advised that I need to have a full hysterectomy.
          I am 45years of age and unlike yourself, I have no children, and given my age and circumstances now, I most definitely never will.
          However, I have recently discovered, that my husband, at the time of me last rejecting him and informing him that our marriage had to definitely end and was over, unless he took responsibility and sought appropriate mental help for his uncontrollable emotions, rages and increasingly dangerous and frightening behaviour, so as to enable him to either play a part in saving our marriage, or be in a healthier better place emotionally to accept that it has to end. Following this, what was to be my very final ultimatum and perceived to him as rejection, came his final suicide attempt, which resulted in a stay in hospital, as a mental health inpatient , followed by 4weeks later, on his discharge, him discarding me and in a vicious rage, informing me amongst much vile abuse, death wishes and insults about my character, that he was giving me what i want (to be separated, alone and free of him) and wasn’t coming home and that he was moving out that day and totally detaching from me. I did not recognise the man standing in front of me, and that rage was shockingly, after 4weeks of intense therapy in a mental hospital. During, which time, at his adamant request to the psychiatrist and all staff, I was kept totally shut out and in the dark as to his diagnosis, treatment, progress and prognosis. He refused all consent for them to discuss anything at all with me. Very hurtful, when we had shared almost everything for 24years.
          Even more shocking and incomprehensible to me and everybody who knows him, I have recently learned very publicly, (which is a complete contrast to what i know of him, his ways and his level of privacy) that my husband, also, during his time as a mental health inpatient, actually met a female mental health patient, started a relationship with her, and is still so. This lady is 15 years younger than me and has 3 young children. He has gone into a ready made family and is financially providing for them.
          Yes, it is excruciatingly painful, but I have to do what Mel recommends and make this purely about myself, my own unhealed wounds and healing now.

          1. Oops! Sorry, I posted too soon before I finished.
            Although we are totally detached in the physical and verbal sense, I have to now try my very very best to control my thoughts, and work at totally detaching from him emotionally and psychologically and focus solely on myself and my healing. Even though i know at the core of my being that it was and is right for me to make a stand, honour my self and my truth and end my marriage, it is so, so painful and as Mel describes, it feels almost like my thoughts are almost none stop and that I am addicted to my thoughts of him, past present and future.
            Please know that you are not alone. I will never ever have a family, and I am trying desperately to view that as a gift and a blessing right now and to see the positives in it. After all, everything is for a reason.
            You on the other hand, while I understand everybody’s pain is their own and no less so for yourself, try tell and convince yourself that regarding the aspect of children and having a family and needing to have a hysterectomy etc, you have been truly blessed, in that you have already got 2 children, and 1 of each sex. That is surely a wonderful gift for you.
            Good luck with your operation and indeed with your future health and healing. Remember, you are not alone.

            Mel, Thank you very much for your wonderful work and sharing. You are truly an inspiration, and I am blessed to have stumbled across your website and work. From the very first time I read your words, it resonated very deeply, with something deep inside of me and my already awakened knowing and truth.
            I don’t have access to a computer or Internet at home t the moment, and I am desperate and determined to purchase and get started on the Narp programme before I lose my mind. Thank you once again. X

          2. I am 27. and I completely understand what you are going through.

            Although we were only together for 4 years- he trully deconstructed who I thought I was. Of which I am trully grateful for because I wouldnt have understood and recognised that I had unhealed wounds that I needed to deal with.

            Having said that- he also attempted the suicide, the stalking, the begging, the making me feel wanted but not important with his family and friends thing. I just couldnt understand how someone can want me like that and yet still hurt me so profoundly.

            I also knew from day 1 that something was off with him. But I ignored the sense and pursued the relationship. I was triangulated with an ex-girlfriend under the guise of being “just friends”

            I used to think that I never wanted to marry and have children. I just recently realised that this thought is not completely my own. So in my healing journey- I went back to him and I directly asked him all the questions that I was afraid to ask. I asked him if he ever thought we would have all the things that I wanted but I couldnt ask because of my own past traumas. He blatantly said no. I was crying and hysterical when I was asking him this. But what he did not realise is that I was not asking him this, I was asking myself and he was my healing because during the conversation- I noticed how unfounded and ridiculous my fears were.

            I have had nightmares about him. Almost lucid. and during that time, I make a conscious effort to tell myself that I approve of myself, I allow myself and I forgive my self for all the mistakes I have made and I allow myself to learn the lesson unreservedly. This has helped a great deal. to a point where I even question myself if I am allowed to experience such a great amount of peace in such a short space of time? but I remember again, I approve of myself 🙂

            Lastly, he has seen me around with new people just really having deep meaningful time. And he has tried to pull the same strings on me. My last message to him ended with a thank you- we were talking about something I cant recall. He sent me an ‘I thank you’ . When I read this message- my initial reaction was guilt. and yet I also knew that he was using the knowledge that I was going through deliberate healing and self-love as a bait to get me back into the conversation.

            LOL. at some point I even thought I was the narcissist. I couldnt understand myself.

            I have since blocked him. He doesnt know that. He need not know that. I am going to continue deliberately heal.

            I wish you all healing.

        4. I am so sorry for what you went through. You seem so strong and that you will in fact pull through even stronger. I too..was idolized and discarded after giving up my career and family for his career. The rage I feel gets less and less each pasising month. I’m more than sure there’s a special place in hell for these men. Be well. Prayers.

      2. Amanda – I just found this site – and you told MY STORY….including the cancer and hysterechtomy….no chemo for ovarian cancer, just a sudden loss of all my female parts and the Dr said…”even your cervix we took” I cringed. And I’m not 37, I’m 56, so count your blessings that u have a looong good happy life ahead of you! Its been 1 week since we talked, 1 yr since we saw ea other ( I moved to another state for a yr) when I came back to him – he wasa all full of secrets, as to where he lived, with who, why he couldnt stay over nite in the hotel I’ve been in for a mo. AND OF COURSE, BLAMES IT ALL ON ME THAT I ALWAYS HAVE TO “BE UP IN HIS BUSINESS… I too hate him, but am doing Melanies course and it the only thing that has helped – my family and daughter are not talking to me, as my depression and drinking to escape the abuse took over (crazymaking from him I couldnt take) and I still am too ashamed to tell them the truth) typical Narc would act so perfect around them, but the minute we were alone…..I’m going to be on this blog for a long time – it really is such a relief, and thank you Melanie for helping so many suffering people. God bless

      3. I just read your comment from a couple of years ago and I was thinking of you and wanted to let you know you are not alone. I don’t k ow if you will even get this but I am praying you are still so strong and healthy.

    3. I’ve recently realized the man I spent the last 14yrs together with (married for 5) and separated from 2yrs ago is a bona fide narcisst. I’ve been physically, mentally, emotionally, abused. The lies and horrible treatment I received is strait out of a horror book. I can’t believe it took me as long as it did to leave.

      I don’t recognize the empty individual I had become. I spoke to virtually no one during that time. Wasn’t working as I agreed to stay at home and raise our son. The sentimental items of mine he destroyed while claiming innocence was tough. Worst of all was the horrible names he called me in front of our son.

      I’m still flabbergasted at his treatment towards me and his seeming disinterest now. We are now at the settlement stage of our divorce. His lies on legal documents will now catch up to him. He cannot lie under oath and think he can outsmart them.
      That is something he’ll have to be accountable for. Karma is something I’m helping along.

      If I had stayed I believe I wouldn’t be around now. I’m still concerned he’ll do something to me. I’ve exposed him for the fraud he is.

      Thank God I left. My son deserves to be surrounded by healthy individuals. (He’s only 7)

      1. If you are concerned that he will try to do something to you then you might think about getting a restraining order on him. Or you might think about moving to a location that he does not know about, and talking to a private investigator or security expert about taking classes for self defense and evasive driving to avoid being followed when you drive. Get a prepaid cell phone where you do not have to sign a contract. You might move in with a friend or relative so that your name does not appear connected with any phone lines or utilities. These guys can get dangerous.
        However, be careful; some of these security professionals are also narcissists, playing the “white Knight” to women who are vulnerable.

        1. I lived with my N for 1.5 years. He love bombed me so hard in the beginning I was convinced I met my soulmate especially after having recently come out of a very toxic, Narc relationship for 5.5 years. My new boyfriend was everything I dreamed and more. Kind, considerate, passionate, engaging, sensual, patient. He moved me in right away and things were on cloud 9 for the first 3 months but at 6 months things started to go terribly wrong.

          Controlling, accusing, gaslighting, criticizing me. I was baffled. What happened to my Knight in Shining Armour? Surely I must be doing something to set him off. I began walking on eggshells and paying his bills, driving his son every week to the ex wife’s house. Grocery shopping, buying gifts. Nothing I did was ever enough. He started accusing me of being a slob, a drunk (??), I didn’t clean enough, making comments about me not cooking enough, etc. Yet every week he would still give me glimpses of love, passion, emotion and commitment. I was always confused. Would he be Jekyll or Hyde today? I then learned that he choked my dog twice (and of course denied it).

          At any rate things were going south fast and the gaslighting really started. At Christmas he told my cousin he wanted to marry me and by January he kicked me out. There’s no doubt in my mind he had someone else already lined up bc he stopped calling me from work and started wearing cologne to work and then made excuses why he was late coming home. All the while he was accusing ME of cheating!

          I packed and left the day he told me to get my stuff and get out…he went to work that morning and I hired a moving company, and I’ve never heard from him since. The discarding and lack of closure has been insanely painful. Insanely. Painful. I hope I heal.

    4. Hello Melanie,
      The narcassist”S” in my life are plenty. As i read your blog i replace the romantic relationship with my family relationships, as well as the partners that i have bad. (ALL are of the sorts of narcs as well as sociopaths)My mother is married to a pedaphile, who when we were little kids became our step dad, he being 19yrs old and her being 32yrs old. He is a professional pedaphile. I have chased that LOVE from her from the beginning. She has thrown me to the wolves since i can remember (not much memory from birth to 12 yrs old) when i finally left home. Because of repressed memory, he was encouraged to be around my son, a baby. Which he also abused. Tortured, mind controlled, used beastiality, and of course the sexual mollestation that lasted for my son from birth to 3 and a half when he finally told me. When i informed my mom what he had done she turned on me. The whole family turned on me. I was a mere 19 yrs old when i had my son and very ill equipped to handle such a mess on my own, especially since it happened to me and my brother, i can actually point out all of the kids he got to but due to his professional nature as a pedaphile the trauma left all of us with no memory. I had a complete breakdown, tried to commit suicide several times, them i went into a hospital for traum victims. I learned alot. When i returned to my body i felt it and i heard it. My brother knows what happened but denies that it happened to him. That is his survival mechanism. He was also there when my son showed and told us what Chuck Florence did to him. To this day he is dying of liver failure from hep C and alcoholism but refuses to stand up for me and my family. I accepted this for decades and kept a relaionship with him but i can’t do it anymore. I had a problem with the no contact because he is my brother and also a victim who is dying but i have realised for me to save myself i need to have no contact with any of them. My Mom bought him a house, she said it was because she didn’t want her white carpet ruined when he bleeds out at death! But the real reason is to buy his silence and to continue being graced by my mom and stepdad for his silence. I have tried to get our family together so many times to have it blow up in my face. I AM THE SCAPE GOAT! NOTHING will change that and none of the people i’ve mentioned have any remorse for what they have done to my family. So i have let this chit eat at me for way too long. As it hurts like hell, i have to let all relations who will hurt me in a narcassistic way go, that’s pretty much my entire family. Feeling alone and totured by so many people i had tried to take myself out and they have tried to push me there many many times, pulling me back in. I have done alot of recovery work, for decades! But it hadn’t worked because i always thought that i would some how, some time be validated. NOPE! This is something that i have to accept. I have asked all of the family to have this man take a lie detector test and of course, none responded except my mom, who said she would not ask him to do that and she didn’t believe me. Well sounds to me like she dose believe me or why not the test? Now all this being said, i have to become the most important person here. Take care of myself and even notice the little hits of narc abuse that my children that are grown have dished out to me. I keep my distance to a point from my kids but they are still my kids. However, i don’t let them use or abuse me anymore, except the oldest who we share a house together, of course i end up ALWAYS on the least receiving end of this relationship too. He is not a bad person he just makes his needs more important than mine. What to do? Of course through all of the abuse i have been through, i feel guilty if i say no! This is something that i must work on, because i can’t stand being disrespected and used! I am going back to read some more of your steps because YES! this anger and resenment has made me ill, as it does when the toxic energy is not released. Thanks for letting me share a bit about my stuggles with the narcs in my life. Question, what is the difference between a narc and a sociopath? Fine line, i do know that. thanks again, Cathy

      1. Hi Cathy, many similarities in my story with yours, my family teamed up with my exN to take my children away and give to him, after my daughter disclosed sexual abuse. The whole group didn’t believe me, and they hadn’t believed me about my father either. I have been scapegoated so mercilessly and finally have come around to No Contact with the whole lot of them as the answer and I am finding peace.

    5. This article about no closure is brilliant! I discovered the exact same thing. My 2yr narcissist relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. The reason being I came to love myself right in the midst of his devaluation and discarding. For the first time in my life I knew that I was an incredible loveable wonderful human being and his opinion of me did not now or ever determine my worth and value. What a gift to me!

      1. Love this, kathy.
        My former fiance is moving out now, and I feel more empowered than I have in a long time. I have learned that all of his BS is just that, and I have been a loving, compassionate woman through this nearly four year relationship. I am no longer listening to his criticisms and blaming. I am free and I know that I deserve to be treated with loving kindness and respect. I have also learned that I can provide the sense of security that I was seeking. The power is within me!!!

      2. That’s how I came away from my two year alcoholic abusive partner . I thank this gift I value me my l8fe and positivity so much . I learnt to love me and outwit him in the end I had my closure peacefully inside and out….much to his confusion and myself evolution of me

    6. Melanie, you may be my angel….I have been married 70 years to my husband……..he now has AlZ which has certainly complicated my life even more………he is definately narcisstic….and I am just now putting it
      all together. ………..I’m 88, he is 89……..: I am suffering more now, because I have no happy memories in my life……only all the vivid put-downs….no caring. How sad for these types of people. I can say my husband is not violent in any way, but fits the discription of making others feel like ”nothing” I won’t be ‘moving on to a new physical life…he needs me, but hopefully I can find a way to drown all the memories from day one. I was 14 when we met…I felt in love…then ww11 came along……..and I was hooked………I do feel like I have saved him from distruction…and know that if he were married to any other woman, she would have left long ago…….I married for keeps (for better or for worse) I am grateful finding you, Melanie,…since tears have been flowing daily,. I had no idea so many people were hurting. Thankyou. A million times tonight….julia

  2. Hi Melanie, I am so happy and relieved to have found your website. The last couple emails I have received in the last couple days really hit home with how I am feeling. won’t go into a long detailed story about my relationship but I will say it lasted a little over 2 years I dealt with the compulsive lying, constant cheating, controlling, abusive behavior. He beat me down emotionally. I was scared of him he left me with several black eyes, bruises, a few fractures bones, fat lips, you name it. I was spit on several times not to mention called names and degraded consantly. I guess there became a point for him where there was nothing left to take from me. So he continued on to another source of supply. Reading your blogs have made me feel so much better about myself. It is almost as if you are reading my mind and feeling my emotions. Thank you for your informative website and knowledge it really does help more the you know!!

  3. After nine months of no contact my ex partner texts me and says ” I feel lonely and afraid tonight. I have no hope” I have not responded but it is so hard not to. I don’t want to reset the clock for the hell I’ve gone through. it is hard.

    I’m still feeling the fallout from having to work night shift now after quitting my job to be with him. I lost seniority and have had to start over at a new job.

    1. I know what you are feeling Vincent. I too gave up my job in order to be with my “N”. I moved to Maryland from California. I am now back in California after a little more than a year. I have been back since June and I am having a difficult time finding a job. I am also living with a friend. Before I left I had my own home, car and job. Now all I have s my SANITY!!!! I love that part. I would not trade the sanity for anything. 🙂

    2. Please, Vincent, do not reply to the text.
      See yourself as a wonderful human being; for you are, and do not enmesh yourself with the narc ever again.

    3. Hello to everyone on this site, especially Melanie for your wonderful and healing articles.

      I dealt with an N for 4 years. Right now, I have been doing No Contact for three months. It’s hard. But when I think about how he stalked me a few months ago, called my job and discredited me, followed me to work, called me and came over to my house at odd hours of the night, and demanded to come in, I feel totally free of his lies and abuse.
      I experienced it all, except the physical abuse, but it was headed that way…I could feel it.
      I know I have to bring closure. I have known this man for 17 years. I knew in my early 20s he was not good for me. Now that I am 42, I am glad to know that I had some sense even back then and I should always trust my intuition.
      I kept trying and hoping this would get better. But, I realized that only right now, matters.
      It’s funny how my family and friends could see how damaging this relationship was. I could not see it (or I did not want to accept it beacause that would mean I was doin this to myself).
      I’m so over it now. Please…you can get over it, too.
      I wanted to kill myself many times after dealing with this person, but now I love life again and I am winning!
      Find ways to heal and thanks again to Melanie.

    4. Under no circumstances do you fall for this, that text message is really saying” I am presently out of narcissistic supply, I am not destroying someone at the moment, so could I please come and take all of the lovely parts of you, and then I will be wonderful again (in my warped image of myself), and then when I have bled you dry, I will be in wonderful shape to go and seek out more primary supply, that I am able to destroy. But I will tell you that I just need time on my own, (or something of the likes) in case I ever have to return for another infusion of your wonderful self. You have no idea how important I feel when I have destroyed my supply. This just increases my egotistical false self.”. No contact means no contact, it works trust me. If you had a robot in the room with you in the image of your partner, I promise you would get more honesty, empathy and true interaction from it, as at least it is not portraying itself as something else, it is what it is. Please read more of Melanie’s material and every time you receive something like this, remind yourself what is really going on in that insidiuous little mind of his, and it certainly isn’t anything that will benefit you. x

  4. Hi Melanie

    I married a man who I now realise has narcissistic personality disorder. The marriage was thirteen years ago, following a two year dating period when we lived at some distance from each other and managed to snatch only weekends together.

    He had been my boyfriend and first love some 25 years previously, when he ended the relationship. I was young and devastated at the time, so imagine my joy when he tracked me down and we took up where we had left off all those years ago.

    Unfortunately, the ‘honeymoon’ period didn’t last long. He had lied about his past career, (to me, my family and friends); hidden personal tax problems from me and, not knowing all of this at the time, I went into business with him.

    He kept up his lies and embellished them throughout our marriage, despite my suspicions and my pleas to tell me the truth, in order that we might save the marriage. He was also very unpredictable and would suddenly spoil what had been relatively peaceful times in our marriage, by becoming sullen, controlling and inexplicably heartless.

    He announced the end of our marriage five months ago. I am now left minus my entire savings and fighting to keep my half of the business, which he is quite coldly and calculatingly trying to force me to give up.

    His attitude towards me since ending our marriage has been typical of a narcissist: no remorse, no consideration of how I am going to manage financially in the future and no conscience.

    He has denied having found another woman earlier this year, but my son saw him with one in a bar in town. He is still claiming it to be a platonic relationship, despite all my family being aware that he stays with her seven nights a week.

    The man would happily argue that black was white and believe it himself. I have experienced this all my married life.

    It has taken me five months to feel that I am beginning to get my life back. I honestly thought that it was the biggest catastrophe of my life when he ended our marriage, yet I had been so unhappy in it for several years. I could not understand why I was left with a dreadful feeling of worthlessness.

    Then I found your web site and it has been an enormous help – and a revelation – to me.

    I am now managing to see things differently. I see that it is he who has the on-going problems, which will be present for the rest of his life, and not I. I am determined to fight my corner as his business partner and nothing more. I do not allow his rages, his lies or his lack of conscience to affect my thinking, or my personal life.

    I do this by constantly saying to myself, ‘This is how someone with narcissistic personality disorder behaves. It is to be expected. I am not going to allow him to affect the way that I behave. I am better than this.’

    I don’t know if this is the right way to tackle my continued enforced dealings with him, (because of the business connection), but it is working for me. He has lost much of the ‘swagger’ that he presented after first ending the marriage and I can only think that this is because I am no longer reacting to him: he can no longer push my buttons – although I often find myself having to count to ten before replying to anything that he says to me.

    I may not have closure, but I am coming to terms with the mess of my marriage, which I can accept was very much of my doing also. I allowed myself to become a victim.

    I can laugh again and see the joy and beauty of life.

    My grown up children tell me that it is good to have their happy mum back.

    1. Judie, I related to your whole story. It’s remarkable how NPD affects you. I wish I could stop and write something about my story but I was on my way out and late but wanted to tell you it helps to know you are not alone with this type of experience. Hope to post here tonight when I get home. Good wishes everyone….

  5. hi, i married one twenty years ago and its only just dawning on me what has been happening.i have tryed to leave several times. But he manages to pull me back in.i think he is a danger in the sence he would hurt me if i try to leave again.he keeps telling me there is a gun in the loft at his mothers.i have been attacked in my own home by two masked men whom beat me with hammers, never been caught. so my reason for being here is fear , he had me arrested and said i beat him up. the charges were dropped but when i told the police what has been going on they looked at me like i was potty.so my form of defence is keep your friends close and your enimies closer.i feel like my soul has been sucked out of me, my parents despair, my sister wont talk to me as they think i am stupit. last year my youngest son who is thirteen went to his granfather funerial and told his father he didnt want to look at the open cascet,he was forsed not to only look but to kiss him my child was so distressed. and so the rollercoaster goes on, i need to get off just dont know were to start,thanks for listening

  6. Hi ladies it is wonderful that you are feeling into this and posting, and you are all at various stages of recovery. Please know that when you really do the work on yourself to release the pain out of your body and connect up with your true power that th epain, the obsession and the fear goes, and the narcissist loses his power over you. These inner shifts are the most powerful and true ‘keys’ to not have to drag yourself through recovery logical one step at a time.Narcissistic abuse is a spiritual and psychic phenomenon that deifes all contemp[orary and logical solitons – and this is why I endores, suggest and ‘preach’ the nergetic shift work so much. It was the only solution that saved my life, set me free to create a life beyond my wo;dest dreams, and has done this for so many other. If you want to ‘know’ thsi reality and are willing to try it, I cannot recommend the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm enough. You have nothing to lose it greants you every resource you need, (information and energetic shift healings) specific to narcissistic abuse, and is fully money back-guaranteed, you can even try it for two weeks at no cost and pay nothing (and get to keep all the material) if it doesn’t work for you…Please take this step if you are sick of the pain!I know that when I was in my life and death situation I would have hung upside down from a tree and beat two fishes over my head if I thought it would have helped!! I promise you this resource has helped, saved and liberated and created ‘thriver’ rathen than merely ‘surviver’ for more people than you could imagine…Of course it is always hard to endorse self….but I do know I discovered the true keys to recovery and now have been blessed enough to pass them on…and I am humbly grateful for that, that I can help people leave the torment behind so that they can create their True Life…x

  7. I have stayed clear of my psycho ex for over a year, by stating away from groups/ community that once meant a great deal to me. The N wasn’t as interested in this community before his relationship with me. But now, he attends EVERY SINGLE event, tells lies about why I called the cops on him (domestic abuse & theft of over $3000 in personal items), by telling everyone I was suicidal. He now chases after all of my friends in the community, trying to ‘steal’ them too, and hes convincing others to leave me as a friend as well. He thinks he ‘won’, and loves that I stay away. I want my life back, but he’s everywhere & he makes me physically sick to my stomach whenever I see him. I don’t want closure b/c he’s a disgusting person and compulsive liar. He also wants to humiliate me if I were to return to my community-he told me so directly that he would do whatever was necessary to humiliate me publically. He’s seriously ill, and HE won’t move on & forget me–I PRAY that he would ignore me–but that’s not the case. What should I do? The order of protection hasn’t been active for several months, and he treats every event like it’s ‘Hunting Season’. Because I’m absent from events, ppl are treating me like I’m the one with all of the problems now-even tho these ppl who claim to care about me know that I’ve healed myself w/ a daily meditation and yoga practice. I need some advice!

  8. Hi Dragonfly,

    I empathise with your issue, and I understand it, as initally I lived a ‘termniator’ that was destroying my life piece by piece too…that is until I took responsibility vibrationally for being the creator of my reality. Go to the first question and answer in the newsletter again – the steps are layed out. This detach and focus on ‘you’ instead of ‘him’ always works if you emotionally take charge of your inner self, disconnect and heal you – then it stops, and then you absolutely have no illusions that your life is or isn’t reliant on what someone else is or isn’t doing – and you are no longer a victim..Make that alignmenet your greatest mission and everything on the ‘outside’ will fall into place – totally. You have no ability to change ‘him’ you can only change ‘you’…

  9. Hi Melanie,
    My 4 year holocaust just ended a month ago becuase I finally was on to him and confronted him so completely that he discarded me like an old shoe. 4 years of drinking, drugs, women, porn and lies every minute of every day. I am still learning things that went on that sometimes I iwish I didn’t know. Its been a month since I’ve heard from him and I don’t think I will again, and I am just in the beginning phases of the horrible pain and mourning and obsession on every tiny detail. I have been seeing a holistic councilor and a shaman as well. I feel emotionally and spiritually bankrupt and a zombie walking around in a daze. I cannot tell you how much your website and postings have helped me. It helps to know I’m not going insane. He had me thinking I was and even “empathized” when for the first time in my life I went to the doctor for anxiety and depression during our relationship. I also had to take medical leave from work at that time as things were so horrific. I’m fighting my way back but I’ve never faced such an overwhelming task. Thank you so much for the work that you do.
    Jennifer

  10. Hi Jennifer,

    you are more than welcome, and it so good that you are out! Yes ‘aftershock’ which you are going through feels horrific. Please believe me that your recovery does not have to be as hard, long and ardorous as it feels like its going to be now, because truly it doesn’t…see my post 2 before this one. x

  11. Hi Melanie
    The hardest thing for me was never having closure. In all my years no one has ever walked away without explanation or letting me know that the relationship had ended. The Narc had me believing that he was there for me and we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, all this whilst living another life in the background. All I ever wanted was closure and explanation why he just dissappeared, needless to say he would not even communicate at all with me. Thanks to your website I have the understanding that this is normal for a Narc and I have gained understanding and acceptance of the situation. Since reading your articles I did take a good look at myself and found a lot of doubt and needing reassurance from people, I have worked on myself and taken control then gone ahead in leaps and bounds, getting myself on track as well as my life. Things have never looked brighter for me and find I am a lot calmer within myself and much more confident to make decisions and accept that I will make mistakes. Thankyou so much as I don’t think I would have got through this without your website.

  12. I am nearly five months out of a 4 year relationship with a man that embodies all of the characteristics that have already been discussed. I instituted a No Contact on the day that I sent him packing, having discovered that he was dating two other women. The irony was amazing as: 1.) He had just gotten bailed out of jail for his second drunk driving arrest; 2.) He was homeless, having just been evicted from his second apartment in as many years; 3.) He has no license; 4.) He has no car; 5.) He has no job; 6.) He has no money; 7.) he has more than $100K in debt; 8.) he’s an alcoholic. I’m constantly amazed at myself, and the others, who still will have anything to do with him. It also still amazes me that he walked away and never looked back, and is currently dating the 24-year old daughter of one of my clients (he’s 44.) I know that this happened just for the reasons that you cited: this was like a giant psychic punch in the head for me…the culmination of a lifetime of relationships with men who had little or no regard for me. I’ve been working feverishly at healing myself, but I still can’t shake the wish that he would call, text or email. As much as I know that this pseudo-person should not hold any power over me or have anything to do with my identity, his departure has left me feeling diminished, and not at all confident in my own judgement.

  13. Hi Melanie,

    I am 6 years into ‘aftershock’, still obsessing about resolution for the relationship with this narcissist man I was involved with for 2 years. I was raised by NPD parents so the depth of this hideous disorder has been a lifetime challenge. I have had no contact with both of my parents for 14 years as this was the only path I could take to ensure my survival. My younger brother died of a drug overdose and my other brother has spent the majority of his life in prison. This is the reality of prolonged exposure to narcissistic abuse. I was single for 7 years and then a replica of my childhood walked into my life and I thought I could do it differently, heal the past. Not possible. But I still struggle with intrusive thoughts on a daily basis and have had the opportunity to expose him and his disorder in his new life which has been successful to a certain degree. This is only because his ‘signature’ was a part of a 2 year stalking campaign against me. I have participated in the book “Women Who Love Psychopaths” and have been able to share the story with credibility. But still, it isn’t enough and this is where the problem lies, with me. There has still been no closure and I have held myself back from finding another relationship because of my history. I still feel the need to make him accountable for the damage he caused. I still feel the need to expose him and enrage him by doing this. I have been successful at this, again, which keeps the cycle going. I have seen a photograph of him and the degeneration of his looks, which he so prided himself upon, is shocking. I take great pride in seeing this. He did send me an email at one point, 2 years after he discarded me asking if I could take him back. I forwarded the email to everyone who knew him, causing again, narcissistic rage. The email was commented on by a psychologist who specialises in NPD and I sent that email to many contacts in his new life. The power of the internet. Though they may see the ‘mask’ he wears so proficiently as the ultimate nice guy, they also take a second look because of the credible source assessing his disorder and the serious ramifications for anyone involved with him. I still feel the need to make him accountable. I’m sure he wishes he had never met me. This brings me great pleasure. The problem again, is how much life force I have put into exposing him and making his life difficult versus getting my life to move forward. I feel empowered yes, in that I have established myself as a force he knows has and could continue to cause him conflict and strife. But I feel dis-empowered in that all of this energy should be focused upon my life moving forward not with continuing to find ways to punish him.
    Michele

  14. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so very much! You have definitely changed my life! I left my partner of nearly 6 years just over a month ago. The day I left, my spirit screamed at me, “Leave now! or die here!” I left with my two children aged 14 and 12 (not his). I packed an entire house including couches, fridges, washing machine and beds etc… in 10 hours! I had a truck , trailer and ute and all of my family ready and available, even had a shipping container to put everything into. God had cleared the way for me to leave.

    How I came upon your website was that I made a comment to a client that I didn’t think I was that out of control so why do the men i meet feel the need to control me? She laughed and said to google narcissistic personality disorder. After reading the Wiki definition I scrolled through a few other website and came across yours. I subscribed and started reading…. Then the Shell/aftershock hit me! Wow was i a mess! It all became so clear. My ex-husband of 13years was a narc but he only came out when he was drunk, however the recent partner did it all very sober! He kept himself hidden for 4 years though, as his step daughter lived with us and she was his main source of supply until she turned 16 and became sexually active… In hindsight their relationship always made me feel very uncomfortable. I rationalized it with the fact that they weren’t biological and I was just being a little envious of their closeness, but when we fought he would embrace her like a lover and give that now recognizable narcissistic grin as if to say “I don’t need you because i have her”.
    She ran away nearly 2 years ago never to return. That’s when he appeared. Same as the others, lying, became aggressive, started picking fights with my daughter to then would video her when I had to get in between them as he would start to get physically violent with her, he would gaslight, saying I don’t support him, I would turn on my daughter and say look at what you’ve done all while he was videoing this, kept the ex girlfriends on the line, even went as far as taking me out to dinner with the ex’s. (stupid me thought I was very liberal) Every time I touched him in the last two years, I would break out in hives on my hands, i did the process of elimination, oils, soaps, washing powder, no change. Read a Louise Haye book about healing yourself and it said “Who are you allergic to?” I haven’t had hives since I left. I had dark energies in my room at night that would terrify me and the only way to make them leave was to pray.. I haven’t had them since leaving. My 12yr old son was wetting the bed.. he doesn’t wet the bed anymore. I should have listened to my inner spirit earlier because it was there from the first day, but I was co-dependent. I know this now and I am now looking forward to moving into my own house with my children and learning to love, respect and believe that I am worthy person even without a partner. Anyway, you have saved me as I was starting to do the in and out dance with this one as I had done for 5 years with the ex husband, but after reading no contact.. it was easy to do! You pulled no punches which is what is needed in such extreme circumstances.

    I am a massage therapist who hears a lot of the same from my clients and i tell them all about your website. I feel that i too am on a new path of letting others become more aware and I would love to do more to help so if i can in any way please contact me and let me know how I can.

    God Bless you Melanie, you have really changed my life and given me back myself.

    Rachel

  15. Thank you for all you do. I stumbled across you in the process of learning of Narcasism. I was in a 3 yr relationship with one and had no idea. I had similar relationships in the past so it wasn’t until about 2 1/2 yrs that I realized it shouldn’t be like this. I have been telling my friends and therapist latley “there is nothing better than a Narsasistic relationship to show you all the areas in your life that are broke because they find all your weeknesses” I was ready to heal from my childhood, so along came the experience. I suspect the recent raise in Narsasistic abuse is because more of us are ready to be whole again. I really respect and appreciate your guidence through these hard times. I spent almost 3 yrs lost in lies and its hard to trust again but so very worth the effort. Just knowing that I am not alone gives me comfort for the first time in my life I seem to need the company in my misery. I had never agreed with misery loves company until I was so alone I had nothing else that seemed real. Thank you again for being part of my support system.

  16. Hi melanie, wow-it’s amazing to read this. My divorce is almost final. What a trip the last 6 months have been. In court, he tried to use past marriage counselors, as additional people that said I had issues. I realize now he wasn’t going to them for the marriage. We all went to phD psychologists this past summer, one for us-who found nothing to what my husband was saying about me. One that spent time with me and kids- she said he had issues. A previous counselor said he had issues. He threatened to sue my lawyer and one of the psychologists(one helping me and kids). Because he brought all this up, he was able to take the kids in the beginning, when we separated- saying I had problems. The kids saw his place and my home, and were excited to live there, when they first saw it. They ended up never coming. He plays with everyones’ minds. With all the counselors and psychologists we saw–i just can’t believe how they just won’t say he’s narcisstic. He absolutely has problems, he is definitely a pathological liar- I’ve never seen anything like it -other people finally see it, when he is pressured with the court and other people are involved. I have been wanting closure, I have done what you mentioned. I am in school now, it helps a lot to keep my mind off things. Thanks it was helpful to hear. It’s hard to believe someone can be like that-even to his children. He is very arragant, and I saw it in him before we were married. He loves himself – needs to feel important- it’s so strange

  17. Dear Melanie,
    This is such a helpful site ; many thanks. After 41 yrs married to a narcissist & having been away from the situation for some 16 mths now I can truly say ALL is true. My ex narcissistic husband has made NO effort to understand why I left with one of our daughters. He is more hardened in his manner & conduct & even his appearance is filled with hatred & anger which was recently evidented in a court setting.No closure is a difficult emotion to handle , but the only way I find it possible is to realize that they act in a certain way & this is ” normal” for them.This has helped me alot.
    Blessings to all,
    Denise

  18. Melanie,

    This is the first article I have found that has precisely addressed the indescribably surreal and crushing feeling I had when my narc “fiance” of five years suddenly terminated me out of the clear blue, after a rare wonderful week together. He did a 180 after an apparently normal, happy time together, accused me of the most outlandish agenda and flaws, claiming to know what I thought, felt, intended (all of it bizarre lies and twisted fabrication – perhaps projection?). I was not allowed to defend myself and find out what just happened, as he adamently refused to speak to me after sending me back to my city on a plane, and just emailed me “it’s over, we’re through” without explanation. My frantic attempts at some sort of communication were completely ignored, and a profound and sudden silence ensued. I felt as if my arms had been cut off. Horrific, really. We were just on the verge of moving into his Florida home together, a dream that was dangled in front of me for years. In one swift, heartless, cruel act, the dream was crushed and I was left with “no closure”.

    Thank you so very much for this right on point and right in time article. My heart feels so much lighter after reading it. I felt like you were exactly, precisely talking to me. Best – Cheri

  19. Melanie,
    This newsletter arrived at the perfect time for me. I have just left a horrific 2 1/2 year relationship with a Narc and instituted a No Contact rule. I caught him red-handed in a lie and he turned it on me and tried to make it my fault! No apology; no regret! He just walked! He knew the gig was up. He has cost me thousands of dollars and incredible emotional turmoil and pain with his verbal cruelty.

    The “gift” of this horrific experience is that it brought me to your website and your books and newsletters. There is life and recovery! Life does get better.

    I would strongly recommend both Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) and Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) as tow 12-step groups that can support our recovery tremendously.

    Keep up the great work! The world needs help!

  20. Hi Melanie
    Married to a person who projected all that he is onto me was like a living nightmare. Because of his employment, we moved many times, and being in another state to my family, I had no one in which to confide. Eventually my eyes were opened as to what kind of person I was married to, so that now I have a network of friends who support me, something I was not allowed to have for so long. NPD is insidious, unrelenting, and unforgiving. Thanks be to God that I am free of the control.

  21. have been married for 8yrs and had 2 children to a narc…always knew i would one day find something out about him …guess my instints were trying to tell me something isnt quite normal with him… i blamed it on a bad child hood he had was why he came accross a bit strange to everyone…told him i felt like he has used me to call me his wife and give him babies his response was.. i did want to move to that part of society but thats not the only reason i married you…looks like my gut feeling was right…one night i found diaries in his car…he had been keeping diarys of me for over 5 yrs to get custody of our children…omg did i get a shock when i found them…he had voice recordings..videos.. every sent i spent…my phone conversations …when i worked what time i got home …how much he thinks i earnt..and having 2 older children from previous relationship he documented when my daughter had her first sexual experiece 2 pages on where and when it happened saying .the list goes on ..when i finally left i was wrecked! passing out and numb face when i was with him in the last 2 months and ended up with bad tics when i left 2 mths later because he got even worse never knew stress could do that..i thank you so much for your site and want you to realise how many women you are helping to still live and not give up on themselves…the lives you have saved or transformed would be many..thank you god has send an angel ..you

  22. Stayed away for a week, went back today :(, will start again tomorrow. Thankyou for this amazing website, I feel like there is help now and that its not me with the problem its him!! I totally recognise him for what he is now and Im not the only one having this shocking experience with this horrible man to whom I am addicted, even after getting an STD from him, I have to get away Im so exhausted.

  23. I too found this website by researching co-dependancy, which I have suffered from for many years. I have attracted many narcs over the last fifteen years. Having recently become a single mother I am desperate to not continue this viscous cycle any more.
    My narc cut me off from all my friends and family, chasing them away with his arrogant and rude behaviour. I didn’t want to believe what everyone was telling me because I felt I was nothing without him, when inn fact he was nothing without me! Which is why he tried to cut me off from everyone. He didn’t want me, but he didn’t want anyone else to have me. Controlling everything I did. It ended the day he didn’t show up to my sons christening, (after ringing him many times to see where he was I learnt that he was drunk and slept in) when I asked why he never showed he abused me for wanting to know everything he did. Said I was obsessive. He groomed me for three years, never giving me anything, but demanding my attention when he wanted it. I was never allowed to do things on my own and if I did he would ring me saying come home I miss you. Yet if he went anywhere god forbid I ask him to come back (that’s when he didn’t switch his phone off! Deliberately being uncontactable and in my car!) I finally walked out, taking what I could with me, leaving what I couldn’t go back for ( some things aren’t worth going back for) now he is telling all my friends that I hurt him amd he demands an apology before he will consider being friends again. A month later and he is still waiting! Sometimes I find it hard, I want to ring or txt and get closure, but like you said and the hardest pill to swallow,.is that there is NO closure with a narc. They simply don’t believe they are or ever will be responsible for any hurt they caused. I’m a “fixer” I tried to fix his life, devoted my time to improving his life because I didn’t want to face my own life, I was scared. Now that I have walked away I have so much more time to devote to myself, its like the fog has cleared and I can now see everything for what it is. Whenever I feel down or like going back I simply read one of your articles while listening to “mr. Know it all” which is a great song about recovering from narcs!
    now I have all this energy for my son instead of someone who doesn’t deserve it.
    Its hard to let go and live your own life, face your fears and get out of your comfort zone, but time and getting back out into life among people who make you feel happy (not angry frustrated or sad) is the best reward.
    Love yourself, respect yourself and always listen to your inner heart.
    Many thanks.

    1. We all need to stand together! I too am exhausted from this addiction. It is like I am cut in two. I have my logical side. That tells me he is NO GOOD for me and I can remember all the vile things he has done and is still doing.the other side of me,,,, MY HEART! This side of me tells me to remember the good times and that if he comes back it can be better, less lonely than now. Even though the loneliest place I have ever been was sitting beside this man. My dream home is up for sale, I am still living in it. All of this is sooooo surreal. I keep wondering if I have caused this because I am an angry person??? I need some drastic support, I feel like I don’t even make sense any more.i was in a car accident just over a year ago, have a lot of issues going on including a brain injury.this is when I finally started to explore this narcissism business. I have post traumatic stress disorder from the accident. I see a psychologist for this. I always thought my husband was just passive aggressive, I started to express my concerns and distress about my marriage to this psychologist. She told me,she thinks this npd. I started to research and here is where I have ended up. I am struggling with this greatly. I feel like I have made him what he is. I don’t know how to feel anything different. I hope that if I keep reading all of this info I will be able to stay strong. If I go out anywhere now, I cry at the drop of a hat. He has come back once and said he wants to come home, said to just give him a room in the house, he won’t bother me, says he can’t afford to live out there and still pay here. He has told all of his family that I have slandered him all over town, which I have not. His daughter messages me on Facebook and tells me how disgusting I am, that her wonderful father deserves better than me. I don’t know how much more I can take. Please help. I like this site but I do not believe in past lives and all of that, so a lot of it is hard to do. Thanks for listening!

      1. Me, again! I sooo need to talk to someone! This man has came back to our small town and is living two streets over from me. When I look out my bathroom window, or my bedroom window I can see his truck and if he is coming or going…. I will wake up early in the morning and I can see him leave for work. The horrible part is that I long for him. What is wrong with me. The night he finally left here after I put his SHAME in his face, I felt sooo empowered that he has finally left and now I long for him. I suspect that he is back with his first ex wife in some way shape or form and for some reason, someone else wanting him makes me want to fight for him! Can someone PLEASE explain this to me. I feel very messed up about this and can not seem to shake it… Is this a normal feeling in this process. Also if his family is thinking that I am no good, it also incites me to want to prove them wrong! Is this normal and part of this abuse? I know I can not be with this man! However, I do not know how to be without him either! HELP!

  24. I’ve been wanting closure from my soon-to-be ex husband for the 12 years of pain he caused. I wanted him to say he is sorry but the silence is deafening because in his mind, HE is the victim.
    I had a baby for him and now I realise why he wanted a child so much … he’ll always have an excuse to have contact with me and he can, and is, poisoning our son’s mind with his nonsense – and there is nothing I can do about it. No protection I can give him because his father has rights. So, the option of No Contact is not an option for me. If only I had known what I was dealing with …

    Because of your words Melanie, I have the closure I have been seeking. I get it now and not only has a huge weight been lifted from my shoulders, it’s been lifted from my soul and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  25. Thanks for the newsletter. Just the subject line is helpful and I have left it in my in box as a reminder affirmation. It isn’t just romantic relationships with men that have these issues. I recently was spending some time with a new woman aquiantance from a social group. I had some red flags go up and was paying closer attention to our interaction and then something came up that she was pushing me to do and when i said “no” her response was “f-ck you then.” I was shocked and realized i needed to pay even more attention to my warning buzzer and get some space from this person. She had sent me a couple emails begging me (her words) to call her or stop by because she needed to see me. Big red flag. Like when you try to break up with a man that is bad for you and he says “baby, don’t leave me, I need you!” I just saw her at an event last weekend and she was all over me with attention and forced closeness and wanted to know where I had been, why hadn’t I called, emailed, and was I still coming to her thanksgiving party. When I tried to talk to her about what I called “our communication differences” (I was trying to be kind) she heard nothing and then accused me of intentionally planning on ruining her holiday party! I never new I was so powerful, Melodie! That I could ruin an event for several people just by having boundaries! I told her I thought out difference were unresolvable and walked away. In my mind i kept seeing the subject line from your emailed newsletter. “There is no closure with the narcissist.” THANK YOU. That kept me from feeling like it was a my fault and that I was the problem.

  26. oh how true this is! 3 years away from him and a 15 year relationship that was so abusive and destructive, and i have to admit that i have wrestled with this one issue over and over. during the seration and divorce he was so cruel and vicious. Now he expects that we should be able to talk in a civil manner. Anytime i brought up his mean words and name calling, he just believes that he said it in the heat of the moment, and I said things too! Projecting and blaming me while he acted so badly. It is true that you will never hear it and if you do, BE VERY CAREFUL- HE IS UP TO SOMETHING AND IT IS NOT TO BENEFIT YOU!!!!!! He is after his own ego and his own needs. You are just a object that he is trying to control. i have seen that too. The truth is it is all up to you. now that you see this narcissistic behavior, how could you have acted differently? you did the best with what you “believed” to be a real relationship with a healthy person. My friend always tells me that it is silly to try to rationalize with someone who is mentally incapacitated- why try with a narcissist?

  27. WOW. This is so encouraging. I already feel a difference after reading this blog. As soon as I can afford the materials I am going to invest. Thank you so much. You are definitely on point with the energy and inner-self shift. I practice Nichiren Buddhism that teaches that so it was a joy to see that philosophy in your work. Now I can really use it all to align with the divine. YES! Im going to take my power back for 2012. Thanks so much Melanie. Your pain became your gift to the world 🙂 Our karma is our mission.

  28. Ladies,

    I have taken up the Narcisstic Abuse Recovery Program and I could not recommend it more. I like so many of you received a high amount of abuse from not only my ex partner but the others who were also involved in the situation. All I am going to say is that it was my wake up call and I have finally learnt to open up my heart and soul and finally own everything about me. My feelings, my emotions, my resentment and anger and all the other crippling destructive ‘black ink’ you are left with after giving so much of yourself. The program helps you find yourself, heal the broken pieces of your soul that are scattered everywhere, attain your own closure and honour everything you know, feel and are. I am still getting there and I know I have much more to address but I feel like someone who has so much more inside and I am happy getting to know this wise, powerful and liberated women who is now in tune with all that exists and I feel it everywhere. I still have dark days when anger gets the better of me but the quanta freedom healing sessions help you clear out the charges that hold this anger inside you. Again, I could not recommend it more to every woman who has been a victim.

    1. Wow not many Woman Narcissists on here but when i read the first lines i was so relieved because it was so right on , After two years of being with her and probably her x husband for all i know one day she said thats it , i found out shes back with her ex after she told me so many times we would move in together and have the perfect life , actually she didnt really mistreat me while we were together buying me gifts and using me for my loving qualities but she started too at the end , being selfish and hurtful and when we broke up and tryed to talk she basically ran because she couldnt say sorry and refused to talk , she moved on without the slightest i’m sorry and acted like i never existed after asking me to marry her , she had my head spinning like a top . After reading this article i can see that her poor ex husband is gonna get it , thank god its not me . This has helped me so much ! Thank you Melanie this article alone took months off my grieving !

  29. Firstly, thank you for presenting this topic. Even though I was involved with a NPD person for a total of only 3 months, it was still a horrendous experience I am still reeling from almost 2 months later. I called time out as soon as his “mask” dropped and he revealed what his real MO was. He also revealed that he’d had as many as 30 affairs like this in less than a third as many years. In the aftermath though, still behaving as though I was dealing with a normally feeling person, I appealed to him to question his behavior, do some therapy etc. His answer was what gave me closure of sorts, telling me that all of his “relationships” had been marvelous and enriching, that he is very happy as he is, doesn’t see the need to question anything if not for the better, and that he has had not a moment’s regret… I realized then, and more after some reading, that I had been dealing with a very damaged person of whom it was pointless to expect anything at all except more of the same. I then told him never to contact me again and knew that I could only work on myself, question myself about why I had been drawn to him in the first place. I’ve written a blog too to try and warn others with what I’ve learned. However, it’s still very hard to get past this and feel ok again. I feel as though I was emotionally raped.

  30. Wow! I have to say thank you for this blog. For the past two weeks I have been ruminating over what I did wrong and how I could’ve done this or that better to stop my N from saying goodbye. I think the hardest part is the gradual chipping away at our self esteem. It’s only been 4 months into this relationship for me but I saw the warning signs the first weeks. Of course, I told myself I was too rigid and that I should compromise. He is also a widower so I gave him that excuse as well.
    At this point I feel betrayed, confused, stupid for believing the lies, and weak. I have allowed myself to compromise so many of my boundaries and joys for this guy. Thank goodness I didn’t compromise them all!
    I am looking at this recovery period as a time for me to heal from past wounds. I’m calling it the summer of peace!

  31. There is no closure with an NPD sufferer and it has been 6 months since I left my hell, to still get texts and emails, (although much less since I don’t answer) saying how sorry he is for his treatment toward me, BUT he hopes I understand why he was like that toward me (blaming his family and the loss of his mum) as to the reasons he was abusive. Also I have had the same line a few times now but he has never phoned me to say sorry in person. I was promised that he would do anything to get us through this, but nothing has changed. Too late now, I have moved on to finding my light and learning to live life again. I too am looking forward to each day now, knowing there is closure within me and whatever he is going through, good luck to him, as I don’t care any more. I spent too much time trying to look after his needs and nearly loosing my life in the process.

  32. WOW at last, I have found light in my darkness. Thank you Melanie for helping. I am a bit overwhealmed at just finding this detail to help me out and on. Not ready to share much detail of my situation. My head needs to process and its like I want to know All now. I went from an 18 year marriage with 5 kids to new country to live trying to keep my family together, only to get divorced in 2004 and met this guy with this disorder in that same year. He charmed me and I felt like we were made for each other. He didn’t want to marry again so we lived together for 4 yrs which hurt my belief of being special and loved. He grudgingly married me, sml backyard wedding, no honeymoon, he took no time off work either. Alot of strife happened from his love for his older daughters and me being felt and being left out. 7 months after a physical thing he did to me, I went to a physcologist whom told me so much about myself in 1 session and how this man was dangerous and how I needed to learn boundaries to make me strong to leave this man. Anyways I ran away about 1 week later with 3 of my kids from previous marriage so my kids could be near their Dad. That was 2008. This man filed divorce straight away and had my furniture sent to me. I got nothing from him. He said home was his and so I couldn’t be bothered fighting him for anything in settlement cos of knowing how nasty he can be. Last year my 2 youngest decided they wanted to live with their Dad and so I found myself alone, no kids, no home, no pets and now no job. This man came to my rescue and wants to help me find my feet but he doesn’t want any relationship. Its like I have walked into a ??? hoping I was wrong about him and I can fix myself, the games seem to be on in my mind and emotions. I thought I was strong enough but now realise this is damaging to me. I look forward to being whole and healed from allowing this. Freeing to see that this is not true love and that I have a chance to not miss out on true love. I am on the Edge and want the right people around me to get me out of this yuk and help me onto a proper loving relationship next time, (I hope I get to experience the healthy fullness of Love in intimate relationship)I believe in True Love. I believe in happy endings. Looking Up.

  33. Hey Mel
    thank you so much for your wisdom and sharing that with us. I have been in a narcissistic relationship to 23 years. we separted in 4 months ago. he had numerous affairs during this time. I forgave and believed the affairs were my fault. I don’t know what happened to open my eyes to him. I think it was God. He has been having an affair with a woman for the past 4 years. When things were bad with her he was great with me and vice versa. I have been doing no contact and it has been the best thing. Very hard but so beneficial. Last week he called out of the blue and asked me to come over and have dinner with the childen and him. I agreed (so not a good decision) We ended up sleeping together which I really really regret because now all my no contact has been undone. I want him out of my life He is poisonous. How do I stay strong? I have known nothing else but his abuse.

  34. Hi
    It’s human nature to want to be touched…and loved. Forget about the past and move ahead. It’s just like a diet. If you screw up and have some cake, you can’t throw in the towel and give up…otherwise you would never reach your goal.Understanding your ties to this man will allow you to not make choices that aren’t right for you.
    I’m coming out of a 4 year relationship with a NARC. It’s an unbelievable concept to fathom.I believe it’s for this reason that we continue on in the relationship.

  35. Recently my fiancee and I broke our engagement. We were having issues for a while and sought counseling to work them out. Through this counseling and my own research, I soon discovered my fiancee was a dead ringer for NPD. Perpetually, I was inadequate in all forms, socially, intimately, conversationally, my family, etc. Despite my efforts to change my attitude and self, I never met her fantasyland expectations of a partner. She demanded the VERY BEST of every scenario, restaurants, house, vehicle, and not just material things. My job and accomplishments were paltry compared to her embellished success at her company. Her sharp tongue frequently lashed me with verbal abuse, patronizing me and making me feel worthless and like a child. Consistently she degraded my family and insinuated I was a product of a stunted and dysfunctional upbringing. My interests were infantile and meaningless to her, and I could never pursue what I enjoyed without bearing some kind of derision for being antisocial or weird enough to like such nonsense. Then she would inquire incredulously why I did not shower her with gifts or engage in more intimacy? When one feels degraded, worthless, and a nervous wreck; walking on eggshells, double-filtering what one says, how on Earth would I feel any empathy or compulsion to foster intimacy? She set the ‘gold standard’ for human behavior, tastes, family structure, and anything less than her requirements is inferior and worthless. The arrogance and obnoxious statements on how she knows what’s best got under my skin and I resisted her attempts to marginalize my existence and my family – like I somehow owed her for companionship? Finally she moved out all of her things after I spent a night elsewhere. Following an argument about why my parents would not advance gift money for a home down payment before the wedding, she insulted me in public and said my family should bequeath the funds without question and trust our relationship. I said it’s their money and I cannot induce them to give. So, that night she moved out all her clothes/items and refused to speak to me again. No closure via text, phone, email, etc. Basically all she could do was curse and insult me and affix blame. I thank God for removing this infernal, narc-female from my life. Although I am left holding the bag with rent, bills, etc. I find comfort that I no longer have to endure her abuse. A truly contemptible person…but if you would ask her, I am the deficient one and deserve the ridicule. When I consulted websites about NPD I literally fell off my chair as EVERY symptom matched her behavior.

    1. Dave, I just came across your posting now (in Sept). So very well said. I couldn’t believe how much I identified with your plight. It is truly incredible how these individuals make one feel like you’re the ‘bad or insufficient person.’ I live with this nonsensical stuff daily now and thank God for this site as I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  36. I can’t thank you enough for this article. I realized that I had not let go of my past abusive relationship but didn’t understand why. I now know that I’d hoped for closure and each time I tried to get it, I opened myself up to more abuse. Each time that happened, I swore “never again” but I apparently have a short memory and eventually fell back into the same harmful way of thinking. At times, my ex seems so “normal” and I begin to wonder if I misjudged him. I do know that his true colors will again surface but his charming side is certainly misleading!! I have lost much of my life catering to this man’s wants and have sacrificed far too many of my own hopes and dreams. It seems that the sacrifices are not finished as I fear I must change jobs (a job I truly love) because he works in the same office and makes it impossible to have no contact.

  37. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate your words of wisdom. I read for my daughter. She is an only child. She is in a 6 year relationship and it is more than I can say. It breaks my heart. He has 3 children. He does not work. Always an excuse. She finally see’s that she has to get out. One thing at a time. Will you all please pray for her? She has a long road ahead of her and she is going to need all the help she can get, He has isolated her from ALL her friends and family too. She has always said ‘maybe he will change’. She is finally looking for a life that she can celebrate and find some happiness in. He has taken everything from her. She works in the local VA Hospital. She makes an excellent salary. It always goes before she takes care of her own needs or wants. She needs strength and prayer. I will keep reading and passing on the wisdom I find in your wonderful information. I know she is not alone. She is finally seeing that there are people who have been thru this . I thank you and bless you. Now that I have found the door. I will knock and know that someone will be there to help me help her until she can knock for herself. A mother…

    1. Janice, she may need some help in getting away from that guy. She can see if she has any vacation coming, and take those days and get out of there. If she initiates a divorce, then her chances of winning it are better. she should seriously consider this.

  38. I stayed in my relationship because of fear
    Fear to stand by myself..fear to heal old wounds..insecurity..I allowed myself to be absused..only to have him leave without closure except continual abuse & finally saying he loved someone but didnt know if they loved him..I am ready to face that I helped create the relationship..accepted the abuse because I was to fearfull to work on my own issues..I am ready to face my fears & will only accept respect & true love..or be alone if necessary..continuing to work on myself

  39. Melanie,
    I have been reading about Narcissist abuse for months trying to understand everything that happened to me. Out of all the web-sites, blogs, etc. your article here resonates to me more than anything else has I have researched thus far. I know that things do happen for a reason. Somewhere deep inside my spirit KNOWS that what you speak is the truth, however, I have never had anyone else put it into such beautiful words and in such a beautiful way before now – It reassures me that I am on the right path and I will look forward to how much my spirit will grow from this experience. THANK YOU!!

  40. I have been with my partner for 12 years 3 kids later halfway through our relationship he cheated with a younger women it was around this time i started drinking quite heavily .. I stayed with him forgiving him but not forgetting for many years he has never seen that he is at fault i have tried to leave many times but he keeps sucking me back in i have now done threesomes etc to keep him happy as he has since said it is fetish all the while doing this i have felt sick to the stomach things just seem to be getting worse he tells my kids he is leaving then never does ??? Is this emotional abuse ???

    1. Sasha, get out of there. By feeling sick your body is trying to tell you that you cannot stay in that situation. Get your kids and get out.

  41. I suppose I had planned it in a way. After years of putting up with his demands and soothing his troubled ego every day I started getting more demanding myself, not accepting disappearances, missed calls back, unexplained “friends”. So basically there was an argument over the phone once a week, with him managing to twist things around so I was apologising. He lives in another city so we have just phone and skype. I have been spending the last month organising a huge event with parades, celebrity guests, the whole dog and pony and it was this last weekend. He calls me on Thursday to say guess what I have the weekend off so organise a trip down for me. When I reminded him that I would be totally swamped for the weekend he got ticked off and could have cared less abou the event. So I went four days no contact just because I really was fed up with him. After some daily calls from him I finally answered, assuming we would talk through it. No way. He exploded in rage, like how dare you not call me for four days, what if I had been ill, and you dont love me, and youre selfish and disgusting etc etc non stop for half an hour. I hung up twice and how dare you hang up on me…finally he said the magic words…cancel my number, I don’t want to see you or talk to you again. Hurray!!! I was free. So now a day later I feel this urge to call him back for closure. Like, calmly reassess and be friends. Can you believe how stupid I am? Why am I thinking this? I have been plotting for months to get to the stage where HE dumps me (if I dumped him he would have murdered me I am sure..) so why the hell do I want to get closure…? Help me come to my senses…

  42. Ah, closure. I have wanted it desperately as well. Thankfully, some intuitive sense kept me from sending those emails, texts, and letters. I divorced him because I couldn’t reach him during the marriage… why would it be any different after??

  43. Dearest Melanie…. word for word verbatim my experience with being “devalued & disgarded”…I did exactly that… felt exactly that…. am clairsentient, created incest from crib to 6 years, a lifetime of Narcissists, and almost died last month…thanks to your support and understanding I am alive… ready to do the work… and DEFINITELY UNDERSTANDING THAT THE NARCISSIST AND THE LACK OF CLOSURE DROVE ME TO INSANITY so that I could come to this place of eyes white with the light of Godsource, True connectedness with myself, my life purpose and OH SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR THE NARCISSIST BRINGING ME TO MY INNER CORE OF SHAME AND BLAME that I gratefully know how to release thanks to you!… Muscle testing blows me away with just how much I blame myself when blaming the Narcissist… I FEEL SO FREE TO LET IT GO AND K N O W all of this is my creation …at THIS time…. at THIS point in my life to finally become whole, connected to Divine Love… the way you write “no punches”.. no stone left unturned…you don’t just light flares… YOU ILLUMINATE THE ENTIRE JOURNEY… I am so proud to finally be able to HEAR you…. God speaking through you…I’m American so I’ll say… you are the REAL DEAL… so much love you give …lives you save… MINE… YOU SAVED MINE… I have joyful tears for being validated by your words… xxoo Donna Lorraine in Cozumel

  44. Hi Donna,

    you are so very welcome – and I am really pleased you see how this truly is about dedicating to ourself and coming home to our true Source and power.

    It a journey and truly a divine one of ‘self’.

    Bless you!

    Mel xo

    1. thank you Melanie for a site that saves us from ourselves. been married to a narc for 8 years had two kids 6 and 1. I have a son of 14 from a previous relationship and he has three kids 19, 17, 12 from a previous marriage. 8 years of abuse after our last quarrel i took my three kids and left. I am now picking up the pieces. funny thing is i don’t miss him I miss his kids we had a good relationship, the kids and I. those eight years were the worst he slept with men and i found out he said i am always accusing him of being gay and God will cause worms to come out of me etc etc etc. Finished all my money made me loose my store. took money from my parents in the hundreds of thousand to help his foreign used car business never paid them back and called them names. Accused me of sleeping around and that i stole one million from him while he was in Japan (he thought he was running away with peoples money to live a great life in Pakistan, so happened his brother took all the money he had been spending and skipped, he brought his kids from pakistan to live with us in 2008 he had to come back to little ole me in the mean time i had to use all the money to pay off the huge debt he left didnt remain with a cent and had to send money to him while he was there, spent all of my money and then be accused me of stealing from him, what a riot). last child we had we had sex three times in 1 year and i got pregnant. it’s been a week since i left and I am living with my mom, sister and her family at the end of the month i will be moving into my own apartment and i started a little catering gig. I am just sad at the wasted time. thank you for helping me becoming strong to leave this sickening relationship.

  45. Good to re-read this article Mel and you will be proud of me, as I am proud of me, as I didn’t send the Birthday e-card, a text, email or anything. I have given him enough already. To be honest, I don’t care if he had a happy birthday or not, so I would have been dishonest with myself had I sent a card to wish him anything.

    Closure for me personally and more progress in the freedom from Narc abuse.

    X ((((hug))))

  46. …one of the first times I have really listened to my instincts and resisted the urge to do the unthinkable. I believe true closure is for us as individuals to focus and stay on the path to recovery and empowerment. ☺

  47. I just want to let you know Melanie, that you are playing a big role along with my awesome therapist in my healing. The radio show archive is full of great and helpful information. The best I’ve found yet.

    Hugs to you and thank you soooo much! The radio programs help to take the loneliness away too. Hugs to you.
    L

  48. Hi Melanie, thank you for the work you have done on this topic. My question to you is whether you have met gay couples/persons who are living or lived through a NARC experience. Your message on Closure has answered so many questions for me.

    Tks

    1. @id Connie Buccheri

      Im a gay male and are going through hell with what was my ex bf, still trying to come to terms with the incredible sick and cruel things hes done and still continues to do me, so much Id like to tell but still finding so emotional to try and explain list 🙁

  49. 20 years married. Over 2 years divorced and still stuck. I could type forever on the abuse but what I want now is to heal. He tells everyone how much he loved me and constantly tells me of ‘the awesome man I discarded’.

    Why would I walk away from a dream ‘lifestyle’? (btw…the million dollar home is about to go into foreclosure and he got fired from his position of VP). He simply stopped working or caring. His white-collaredness went to bluecollardness as he bought a motorcycle and became a devout Christian who then preached to me. He never missed a motorcycle payment as he stopped paying child support and alimony after a year. (That was my fault too). Hs vulgar texts were atrocious. I still get texts of how rotten I am (deceitful, stubborn, selfish, immoral, etc…the list is endless). Then he sends songs of Rascall Flatts “I’m moving on…” and “One Last Cry”. It tears me up! It’s like he draws me close to hit me. I fall to the ground infront of him and cry to get told ‘my tears are my own…I cause my own pain’ as he continues to lecture and insult me from a fetal position, he finally holds out a hand to help me up. I have experienced that for 20 years figuratively and literally.

    I finally found a job to support me and the girls and have a small home that I have managed to keep for them. Besides a little equiy, there was nothing left. It comes thru all spectrums – emotionally, psychologically, financially, physically – and so many people who meet him think he is this great, goodlooking guy wonderful Christian man – and maybe he is to them. I need to start accepting my own reality and stop making everyone around me realize his abuse to me. Including my girls.

    My question is the kids. We have 3 daughters, he lives a mile from me and at his place he has family pictures and has them believing I left him…that he wants me back but I have this cloud of black over me because of my lack of faith. That they need to pray for me and our family.

  50. Hi Mel,
    After reading the blogs.. WOW.. all men seem to be Narcissistic. In the past few months of reading your blogs and e-mails, I have personally validated my husband as a narcissist. Which is seems to be true to form what you describe. He cheats, Lies, embezzled family money, refinanced our vacation home from right under my nose. In past 7 yrs I always have a suspicious mind of him and my Trust is about is far as my arm can push a mop. We’re still married living separate lives. The saying ‘its cheaper to keep the marriage” is NO lie. Spoke to a few attorneys, the Retainer fee is outrageous. So I am making do for the moment.
    I always asked the question “how do you know its over” reply I receive is “ you will know when it is” my close friends tell me their story.
    What I wanted to share is a bit confusing to me… It was like a Pink Elephant in the room . He and I went to dinner; I felt like I was on a blind date. He is handsome but as soon as he opens his mouth He became that ugly man. I felt like I didn’t know him, we have nothing in common and there would be NO second date. I realized how disconnected I am from him.
    So we went home, he stayed in the den and I went to bed. I KNEW THEN IT’S OVER for me. Thanks to your blogs, e-mails and the bit of knowledge to recognize a Narcissist.

  51. Hi Mel, and everyone on this blog our circumstances may not be the same, but we all want the pain to stop. What I have learned is truly amazing. No contact is working so well.. Blame.. I have been doing mostly towards me.. and then other times feeling victim. I new better went back for more. Not a long term relationship…attracted it into my life when I knew it wasn’t me. I Still fought me. My ego was in play. He told me he was dyslexic. I related because my brother was.. a long time ago.. he is now on a different journey. Closure will never happen with a NARC. They will take you when you don’t realise and even when you do. Constant gaslighting to throw you off balance.

  52. I was with my narcissicit for 8 years! We split 2 years ago but in September 2011 I was working in New York and he flew all the way from the UK to beg me to come back to him! I told him that I couldn’t trust he would ever care for me… He told me he’d realised his mistakes… Had changed… Couldn’t live without me…. Blah blah blah…. Stupidly I went back… Be warned!
    He has since given me the worst year of my life. I got pregnant in January this year and lost the baby. His treatment of me worsened and also the violence escalated. I made the gravest mistake of my life.
    But I am lucky. He is a soldier serving in Afghanistan and has been away for 6 months. Which has given me no choice but to focus on myself. I am now free of him. Please don’t believe them when they say they will change, they won’t and in fact are planning something much worse for you. I am very happy now, and at the age of 42 know more about myself then ever. I refuse to see it as wasted time. Everything happens for a reason.
    I’m really proud of my strength. Of course he has refused closure, but who cares? I don’t want to hear from him. Get rid. Be free. Change yourself…

  53. I was seeing my N for about 9 months..up until 12 days ago. He is a drug addict (crystal meth, heroine, pills, cocaine, pot and anything he can snort) on top of carrying all the characteristics listed in your blogs. Im not sure if this is brought on by the drug use or what…but he has simply vanished after a 2 week vacation with me. He said he wanted a fresh start with me and as soon as we returned home , he disappeared and is now living with my worst enemy, another drug user. I have never smoked a cigarette and dont even take aspirin. This abandonment has left me feeling forgetable and discarded like trash. Did I mention I have taken full care of him the entire time since he was fired when I started dating him in March? He has nothing…no job, no car, and no remorse. He has sent me several heart wrentching texts accusingme of stealing or having his belongings. I replied enraged and ruthlessly until he sent one that hit below the belt. I just gave up. The awful part of this is…I miss him, I want himt o text to call or to contact me! What is wrong with me? Havent I been abused enough? Im a college educated professional with a home and car and disposable income. I feel like he hates me or wants to punish me for outsmarting him or beleiving his lies about being drug free…If anyone has advice to get me out of this funk so I dont call him, please share asap. Im so disappointed in myself that I miss him and want him to reach out to me. I feel like he is living agreat new life and Im left to wonder why?

  54. Thank you Melanie for your generosity in holding this site. Reading the experience of everyone else have made me felt I am not alone. I am a well educated woman holding a very senior position and known to be strong and capable all throughout my 57yrs. I met N 8yrs ago and fell madly in love with him. He was attentive, intelligent, successful and seemed so interested in me as a person. After a whirlwind courtship we became an item. But life have been chaos full of ups and downs. His raging temper, verbal abuse, unreasonable demands have been tolerated by me but its never enough. He has discarded me many times but I begged Hin each time to come back. But all these are tiring me out and the feeling of walking on eggshells have made me realised that I am happier when I am alone or with my friends as I dread his unpredictable temper. In May 2012 we had the biggest row and he broke off with me but not before uttering the most vile and cruel words possible. I was crushed. In despair I searched the net to try and find some help to get over my heartbreak. To my shock, I found out that he fitted in the description of a narcissist 100%. Since than, I have been weak and took him back when he called me and although I can see he is less abusive with his words, I sense he knows I am alot more cautious now and unwilling to allow him to rage at me. Recently he lost his temper over a small issue and called me a BASTARD. I hung up the phone and sent him a text telling him I will not longer tolerate his insult. It’s been a week and I have not heard from him . I know he thinks I will call him back eventually or he will come back feigning some illness to win my pity. I begun reading more about the subject of narcissists and realise now many of the things he did in the past 8yrs were planned to feed his desire for supply and source and he used me. I am still vastly resourceful and he needs me although I know he resents it. He calls me old, fat , stupid and when I lost alot of weight, he created a tantrum and asked me to put back the weight I lost. He uses sex as a hook and is very vain and arrogant. I have gone through the whole emotional pain, shed alot of tears but as it is now, I feel nothing. I am totally enlightened and convinced that he is a narcissist and he used me. I am worried, however, that I will have a delayed reaction and start to miss him especially when he plays up to my emotion. I know no contact it vital. I don’t want to have a fight with him and upset him as I am worried he will blackmail me as he knows alot about me . I just wish he will discard me and leave me alone. I think I can handle that.

  55. Tammie, don’t call him please. You deserve better than this. He is bad news. Not only is he jobless and that you have to finance him but he abuses you and takes drugs. Read all the sites about narcissists . They destroy you like vampires. I was seriously addicted to mine for 8yrs but I thought he loved me although I realised he had a psychological problem . Now I realised he never loved me but manipulated me all these years …..it’s scary when I think of all the things he has done to me. Realising he is a narcissist was the biggest relief for me yet I felt creepy. He doesn’t know I know but I wanted him to leave thinking he is the one to dump me (this way I avoid any vindictive revenge) but I realise he is not ready to let me go so I must have the strength to move on and keep no contact. Don’t waste your life with this man. Run!

  56. After I read this post carefully and slowly – it helped me so much. It’s very true, nobody owes me including my ex. One of the most cruel things he told me before he disappeared was “I hope you die in labor. It’s the best thing you can do for me.” when I was in my last trimester. I felt he owed me a lot. Like a lot of grovelling apologies. To step up as a father but I’ve realized, how I can expect him to step up as a father when he wasn’t even a stand up partner and most of all – human. I held onto wanting closure for almost 3 years now! My beautiful one will be 2 next month. I feel something changing in my heart because I am starting to do the work. Thank you so much Melanie for the help you provide. I still have a ways to go but I feel great!

  57. was in a 12 year relationship with a narcissist, who used me…he would not get a job , drank all the time, cheated all the time, and when i would stand up to him and tell him i thought he was cheating, he would get in a rage, scream at me and say i was insane. After 12 years of this, i finally kicked him out, and it has been pure hell. The thent girlfriendings he has lied about me to his friends and family are outrageous. I finally realized that he never existed, he was someone i never knew, and he was only faking his love and emotions. He has none. There was never any closure. He went his merry little way, found a NEW SUPPLY, until his current girlfriend of 8 months, soon found out he was only in it for her to take care of him, and the honeymoon in the beginning started wearing off. Ladies, we cannot sit around wondering WHY? There is no WHY with a narcissist. They have no concience. The person you thought they were in the beginning did not exist! They FAKED it all to get what they wanted, then devalued you, and without a care moved on. They will do this to every “new love” they hook up with. It is not just you. You did nothing wrong, just like i did nothing wrong. I gave and gave and gave, and barely got no affection back in return. LEARN FROM THIS! YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! YOU ARE NORMAL, THEY ARE NOT!!!! Have no contact with this person at all, because even years from now they will try to suck you in again, and start all over! DON’T LET THEM!! They do not ever change. They will start the “HONEYMOON” all over again, and then start the abuse all over. HAVE NO CONTACT!. I went through this for 12 years. I finally held my ground and have absolutely no contact. He has used, and thrown away 3 women already since i kicked him out a year ago. They just keep doing it.

  58. Hi Amanda, I can totally relate to your story as it is so similar to mine. I too have cancer and recently had a mastectomy. The exN took me to hospital for it, didn’t come to visit and then left me to get home via taxi. That same day he told me that breast cancer wasn’t in his repotiore of life experiences. Gee, and it was totally in mine! I later found out that he had gone to pick his ex wife up at the airport and had been in constant contact, physically and emotionally for the 2 years we were together and even when he was living with me! I thought the cancer was bad, but his treatment of me at such a vulnerable stage was despicable. They lie and cheat and have no qualms about their behaviour. They will never be accountable, but nor will they ever change and be truly happy. Draw strength from knowing this. Your resentment did not cause your cancer but stress will definitely hinder your recovery…trust me, I know. You must now concentrate on yourself and your children. Shut the door so another can open, hopefully a better and stronger door, a real door, not a pretend one, not a broken one, and not a flimsy one. Go for the strong, dependable door that will protect you and last forever!!! I wish you well in your recovery in both these areas of your life! With love…Liz x

  59. Welcome to my world….I was in an 8 year relationship with my Narcissistic abuser, without knowing *what* I was dealing with. No clue. The honeymoon phase lasted YEARS and was, I believe, based probably totally on sex (Lots and lots of sex, that felt rather empty to me, but I craved the attention from him. Can we say addicted??). He was usually too busy to spend quality time with me and when he did, he made sexual references that made me uncomfortable. I did verbalize to him precisely what made me uncomfortable, but he was NEVER apologetic nor did he change much. He had a 5 year old daughter, whom I grew to adore. His life was chaotic, disorganized and quite disastorous. He allowed his ex-girlfriend to take (abduct) the 5 year old from school and run out of state with her. He didn’t bother to track her down. He said he “had to work”. It seemed to me as if he had no feelings about the abduction, other than anger because of loss of control! I figured he must be burrying his feelings, as guys tend to do. His ex had the child for several years, until she got sick of her and called to return the unwanted child back to us. (!) My Narcissist had me doing all the housework, childcare, etc, while he was out “working”. He worked odd hours, never keeping the same schedule and always confusing me. I was using the communal computer one day and stumbled upon his online ad which read something like “single father with child seeks loving girlfriend” and I was utterly devastated. When confronted, he claimed the ad was “a joke”. I could clearly feel that he was PLANNING ON REPLACING ME. Huge red flags went up, yet I actually stayed, thinking I could “fix” things. Duh. Well, the years went by and he changed jobs constantly, got us evicted MULTIPLE TIMES for the most ridiculous reasons and kept my life in a constant state of chaos and turmoil. He put all my belongings into storage and would not allow me to have access to it by never paying the storage bill on time. (When the bill was unpaid, access to the unit was denied by the facility.) This went on for years! He then confided in me that he had an old “head injury”, which, of course, made me feel sorry for him. This new information was his new get of jail free card for bad behavior. Then, he was hit by a drunk driver and seriously injured. I stayed by his side 24 hrs a day until friends pried me from his bedside to safeguard my health and psychological wellbeing, which was shakey, at best. I still was at his side during the days. We agreed that he needed to go to a nursing home because I was ill and in no condition to take care of him in our tiny apt., which had no handicap access. He then had a new male friend pick him up from the hospital and bring him home, raging against me for “not being there for him”. His new male friend was also raging against me, using foul language and gestures. It was bizarre. Surreal. As I said, I was ill and began staying at a friend’s home. No one was taking care of me and my Narcissist was FURIOUS with me for not taking care of HIM (although I was absolutely physcically and emotionally incapable of doing so). I did visit him, but he was full of rage and most of the time would not take his eyes off the television set or talk to me! Then, he wanted me to stay with him, so I eventually did. One evening he fell asleep in bed and his cell phone was left unguarded and I did take it and look through it. He had numerous flirtatious emails and texts to women and a whole bunch of photos and other crap in there. When confronted, he became so enraged he threw my belongings out the front door and attempted to drag me outside. I had multiple bruises and was seriously traumatized. I called the police and they made him leave the premises to “cool off”. He went to a motel for a week and we had no contact. I was devastated and had not slept in days. I took too many sleeping pills and he found me and sent me into a psychiatric ward. It was the best vacation I ever had!! I loved it! It was there that I was told that the relationship was “toxic” and that I did not have to put up with his bad behavior. He came to visit me while I was locked up, I only came out to see him once or twice. He was not apologetic for hurting me. I got out and had weekly visits to a psychiatrist who diagnosed a reading disorder and sleep disorder in me, but other than that said I was “perfectly normal”. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so crazy, why, when with my (Narcissitic) boyfriend I was told I was usually wrong, forgetful, not doing enough, just ‘not good enough’ despite my trying so hard. You’d have thought that I’d have had enough abuse, but noooo….. I stayed! I internalized all that was said to me by my N and desperately tried to be ‘good enough’ by his standards. It was a losing battle. We moved again. I had had enough of raising his child while he “worked”, sometimes never coming home at all. I told him HE had to take care of HIS child. He went ballistic. He drove her to school, picked her up from school, only occasionally asking me to do so. But he did not provide her with what she needed, a kind, loving dad to eat dinner with and just be around. He was obsessed with watching television.
    Then he sent his daughter to go live with his ex, out of state, without even asking me!! I felt like all my limbs had been taken from me. I was numb and sick to my stomach.
    I was in such denial. I lived in the bedroom, he lived on the couch. We had an active sex life, but only when he was available. I asked him numerous times if he was having an affair. He vehemently denied it, laughed at me, mocked me and told me he could have any woman he wanted and that yes indeed, that he was going to have affairs because that’s what I wanted. He was a very sick man.
    Then I happened upon his Facebook page to post something cute and happy, when I noticed that he had been openly highly flirtatious with a woman he worked with. Of course he denied having an affair with her, but I did not believe him. I felt trapped. I had nowhere to go, no out. He “defriended” me on Facebook!
    Then came the knock on the door one evening, where a gal handed me a handwritten note explaining that my boyfriend was actively having an affair with the woman he worked with—it even gave her name, address and even DIRECTIONS to her house.
    I confronted him with the paperwork and he scoffed at me, laughed at me, mocked me and claimed that it was a prank being played by two guys who disliked him.
    At this time I told him, as usual, that I believed in karma and that what he put out in the universe was going to come back to him. Seriously. He claimed that any affairs he was having was “none of my business” . Again I was left feeling brokenhearted, an empty shell of a used of person. But he did stress that I “could stay in his house as long as I wanted”. Shortly thereafter he confided in me that he wanted to see me have sex with strangers, he wanted to participate in an orgy, and he had homo-erotic desires. Part of me thought he had a brain tumor or something was seriously wrong with him. His words were utterly shocking to me. Then, one day he didn’t come home and I didn’t see him all the next day. I received a phone call from him that he was in the hospital and was scheduled for triple bypass surgery. He was in his early 40s. I ran to his side but after a day he explained to me in no uncertain terms that; the woman he worked with would be visiting him regularly and to “not make any trouble” about it; he did NOT want me to take care of him post surgery; I should CALL before coming to his room at all times. After surgery his ‘work girlfriend’ actually entered the ICU (with his prior permission)and was touching him all over his body IN FRONT OF ME. Seeing this was the best therapy I could ever have. It was FINALLY sinking in to my denial-filled brain that my longterm “boyfriend” had probably NEVER been faithful in the 8+ years we’d lived together.
    My friends backed a big truck up to the house and I put all my belongings into storage, took the dogs and went to live at a friends house. You’d think I would have suffered enough, but no…the narcissist/codependent bond was extremely strong, like superglue. And I did continue to see him every once in a while. Sometimes I would just rage at him (he didn’t care at all, just got annoyed). I called him a homewrecker, but he just laughed! I tried my best to stay away from him, but kept circling back into his insanity. Then I came upon these pages and started reading about narcissism. It was like a huge lightbulb went off in my head and heart. I went to the park and cried for a solid hour. I was so relieved to not be insane, to understand narcissism, to actually have words to describe the torturous unpleasantness that was in my life, and to have a plan of “NO CONTACT”. It all made sense to me on a very profound level, as never before.
    Now I am planning on NO CONTACT working, and am focusing on myself instead of this heartless sick person I wasted years on and can never squeeze a drop of empathy or closure out of. I get it. I am just sorry that I didn’t come to my senses sooner.
    Thanks Melanie, for all the information and hope you have given me and countless others.

    1. Jill, your story is so much like mine! My mouth dropped open as I read it. Amazing how much of what we experienced is the same.

  60. I get NO CONTACT now Melanie. Thanks. I successfully did it this year with a pest at work. On occasions I successfully did it with my ex but it was hard to keep up when you have kids who want you two to get along, and he just won’t play the game for their sake. I wanted closure so much hahaha … He died without giving me that hahaha … I was beside myself until I read this.

  61. This is really helpful because I have been trying to find a way to find closure with my past childhood sexual abuse.

    My father sexually abused me as a child. I tried to tell on him and I got cast out of the family. He also abused my two step sisters but they are in denial. It is how they survive the pain. They too have pushed me away and their Mother too. I have tried to reach out to them but they are really ugly to me and hurt my feelings. I speak the truth and they can’t handle it.

    After all these years I finally want to call my father and try and see if there will be an apology. I am happy that I came across this article because now I can train my mind to be prepared if I do not get closure from him…that I can find closure within myself.

  62. Reading through this blog has really helped. Got away from a Narc after over 4 years of a toxic relationship. I was amazed at how easily he could lie without even blinking an eye or breaking out in a sweat. He was good. He is also good at faking what little friendships he has, as he talks negatively about them on a constant basis. I figured something was up because how does someone live in a small town for almost 30 years and yet have only 1 or 2 friends? He abandoned the mother of his first son while she was pregnant, he cheated on his first wife, and his second wife, who passed away two years ago. I found out from his boss and male friends that he had been cheating on me but I should have known after his track record. Now, you have to be a real scumbag if your boss and male friends are ratting you out! He substituted me for one of the girls he was cheating on me with and is playing the wounded widower. He has moved in with her as well. He will be 50 soon and has never had his own place, he always just moves in with the next person in place. He didn’t get that luxury with me, as I wouldn’t let him. His current relationship is fake but she doesn’t know that. I do…. because he started calling and texting me again, and like an idiot I responded, even though I am dating. I had no idea about this psychological disorder he has! So as he flirting with me and trying to get me back he tells me after several phone calls that he has a new girlfriend and when I confronted him about acting like the wounded widow, he said he is using it the most it will get him!! There is a special place in hell for him….I’m sure. He has reached a whole new dimension. Meanwhile, I have started to wake up from this abusive, repulsive relationship I have been in for four years and back to my happy, fulfilled, successful self I was before him. I hope that everyone who reads all of these enteries will get to the same healthy place that I am. It also helps that I have a fantastic support group via my family and really great friends, and this website has certainly helped. I have broken free!

  63. All so true..all I wanted was answers..my 11yrs story is hard to tell. I have three little men, and 2 deceased.
    Im not sure really what to type other than forgeting is impossible , forgiving is impossible ( at least for a very long time,and NO contact is very impossible . I share custody of my little guys and will fight the devil himself to see them at anytime I can. Ex just wont stop her cruel n nasty ways. I dont expect her to, but…….she is dragging me thru the mud$$$ , refusing mediation, lying, belittles me to everyone,tells me vivid details of her “fun times!” With others whilst we were married etc etc etc nearlly xmas holidays ….im saving all my left over energy for my little ones…if she lets me see them…i could go on for pages n pages but why? I hope I get thru mediation without having her strip me down with her little princess mask . Me Me Me…..Where or when will it end?

  64. I don’t kno if this guy was a “narcissist” I really am not familair with that term. I stumbled on here after entering the keywords “no closure from a relationship” This is the sitch that I just came out of. Involved in (I don’t know what it was really) a relationship with a man for over two and half years, he called me everyday throughout the day and eve. for hours, often falling asleep on the phone together. I didn’t know what we were and he said he didn’t know either and wanted me to “wait and see” and he always told me to “behave” befor hanging up. After another 6 months of emotionally being in his pocket and really feeling attached to this guy but feeling as though he’s not sure about what he wants and his calls became a bit infrequent I decided (because of my fear of getting hurt) to tell him “I wanted to leave things between us right here just as friends, that I care about him so much and really can just love him as that, my friend, that we need some time, rather I need some time to kinda let go and then we can come back in abetter place as friends” I meant this, as hard as it was to let him go and the idea of what we could have been, I just wanted to be free of the anxiousness. He tryed to (not very hard lol) talk me out of it, asked me if my friends had any infuence on that decision and again said “just relax and behave”. I told him I think it is for the best and I would contact him when I was ready to and please do not contact me until I’m ready. He sent me a confusing text stating ” you are being tested, don’t fail”.

    I contacted him two months later, he didn’t respond to any attempts. I was hurt and confused as he always said he always would want to remain in my life even as my friend and I really had good intentions that the space I intiated would make it better for us to continue as friends. He then did something very hurtful and shocking, he finally sent me a response and said “I’m doing great, just started a new relationship, and please respect that” then he says……”and I know you have been spying on my texts and phone calls so for that I have to cut all ties with you”, he forwarded the email to his new girlfriends email which was [email protected]..

    Anyway I wasn’t shocked over the fact that he had a girlfriend, he had been calling me somewhat less but insisted that he wasn’t seeing anyone, just really busy with work and his daughter. I was shocked and very hurt that he would end things in such a hurtful way that insulted the integrity of the friendship and closness we shared, that I didn’t understand still confused over that one, why he had to be so mean about when it was me that pulled back, intiated space so he could follow his heart and so I could let go and we could be friends on a healthier level.
    I’m still so hurt and very confused as to why it was left this way, I though I meant so much to him in a special way as he did me and valued him as a dear friend and just wanted it to be left in a peaceful loving place.

  65. Hi All,

    What an amazing place this website & forum is. I too went through a 2 year “relationship” with a Narc – I had red flags & warning signs from the start – he would comment on my clothing accusing me of wanting to show my body off or encourage other men but would then offset it by dropping me off to my gym sessions & taking part in runs or events I would do – all done to make me question other things less. We worked for same company, he would accuse me of flirting constantly, cheating on me, set me up to look like I had other men on the go, yet when I questionned him he would explode & storm off then punish me by ignoring me for weeks on end only to start infiltrating my life again by approaching me in work. He would never cal me, everything was done via email or text & the few times a week I would see him which always had to be at the house he lived in with his mum & her husband – he hated being in my flat & would often spark a row so he could leave to go home. The times he would storm off leaving me feel wretched in tears & huge anxiety levels unable to sleep sitting in my window till 4am feeling desperate & shell shocked. He left me in April 2012 stormed off after a row (which he nearly almost started but turned around to be my fault) for 6.5 weeks – I was completely devestated, cried every night after work yet had to put on a front in work so he could not see the pain he was causing me. It was horrific & I started to lose sight of who I was – empty, negative, angry & miserable I felt utterly trapped. Most of the abusive was mental & emotional – he called me vile names & made offensive remarks about my appearance yet despite my retaliation & what I though feisty comebacks he knew he had me because I woudn’t actually leave him for good. He physically attacked me on one occasion after a huge row about a horrible remark he made about a photo of me. He nearly choked me then kicked me several times in the back cracking one of my ribs then told me to get out & turned it on to me when I involved the police. I’m ashamed to say I went back & he frequently threw it at me & told me how much grief I caused him as I had to tell the police & work (even work sided with him). I eventually got a new job & on the outside he seemed pleased said it would take pressure off us – a week before I left we were at a pub & I made a small comment about a phonecall he took from a “mate” of his he exploded walked out the pub – I ran after him…which he loves… he shouted more abuse at me so I grabbed my bag & left. That was 10 weeks ago – I left the job but struggled to let him go I have emailed him a number of times since, even met up with his mum, she said he is rotten & don’t go back. Been no contact now for 2 weeks – it has felt soul destroying & almost buckled esp over xmas but reading these posts keeps me strong. got a new job after being made redundant a month after new job I started to get away from it all. 2013 is the year I start again & I am finally not wanting that vile man anymore. love to you all xxxxx happy 2013

  66. Not a husband or boyfriend , but my mother is the narcissist, in my life. We had not spoken for many years and then my brother passed away 2 years ago , then recently my grandmother, and she has subtly insinuated that my brothers suicide it is my fault.( My mother and my brother disappeared from my life years and years ago.I didnt even know where they were or have any contact) And what she cant do with that she makes up. Telling me wild stories, degrading my grandmother. Inappropriate to say the least. My daughter is taking a psychology coarse in college and said to me a few days ago, that my mother is a classic example of a narcissist. I looked it up over several websites and so much is explained. I am relieved to have some explanation for this. I knew something was wrong. I just didnt have it pin pointed. Its like a light when on.

  67. Married 20 years to the narcissist, tried to take my life 3 times because of the criticism, rages, trapped feeling. His affairs,name calling,comparison to other women, acting as a victim blaming me even to church people, asking for prayer for himself! I almost lost one baby from abuse … it goes on and on. Ministers got me out of the marriage completely shattered and without an intact self. Basically no one can understand the anxiety,residue from having lived through this.

    But,since my divorce, I have dated somehow 4 other narcissists in the meantime .. of course thinking these were ‘different’ ‘nice’ until the “same” abuse occurred.

    I found your material in the last week. After 10 years of counseling, I have not gained my footing. I am going to dedicate my efforts to your process of healing. Your material is the first that has addressed the real problem straight on with solutions that may be attainable. I haven’t ordered yet but have benefited from just the 2 emails sent and the 2 ebooks read.

    I am actually a bit excited to proceed with this. I had internally given up, honestly, though I am attractive, decided to no longer ever date.
    Thank you! I now walk towards the light.

    1. please can you help me , my daughter is married to a narcissist, do i tell her she leaves tomorrow to go and live with his family she has told me she in in a big black hole and seeing a counseler,amI the one to stop her. husband has already turned her away from us please help asap I want to stop her from leaving us sofia

  68. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! I am a single mother and my daughter is 20, living home and in recovery for addiction. She is beautiful, narcissistic and I thought I was the problem. We are living together, and these articles have changed me more than any co-dependant meeting, al-anon meeting or therapist I have gone to. THank you!!!!!!!!!! You are amazing, angelic and oh, so wise!!! As I detach she is getting more nasty, but I am reacting less and less! I have faith that I will only bring healing to myself, others and maybe her, but that’s NOT MY JOB!!! 🙂 Yea me!!!

    My gratitude is immense!
    Lovingly,
    Lauren

  69. this is so refreshing. Its my mum. i looked in to this just over a year ago and there wasnt much info on it. just forums were people were angry and bitter, this is recovery focused as you mentioned in a blog. i think ive recoverd. and i totaly get the every thing happens for a reason. ive lived with this since birth. i dont full know what real love is. i was reading all the expieriances of the narc boyfriends to see if it similair to my boyfriend of eight years. luckily he isnt narc but lacks in a little confidence. i was also looking along the lines of. maybe im a narc like my mum and hes the codependant. i question my every motive and thaught. i do have inner peace now. and im still on the journey of recovery. its kind of fun descovering this new life i never knew existed. i thaught life was hellish and now im learning that its a gift. 🙂

  70. I was with a guy for 6 months. Its now over a year since it ended, but im still feeling the effects of the harsh break up.. basically he was a lot younger than me. It seemed like a bad idea from the very start, but i really fell for his chrarms and difference.. allready in the beginning he said and did things i reacted on. he could be very disrespectful and often seemed completely detached emotionally. there are so many examples i dont know where to start. he made himself alot in to a personae. and he was occupied with the idea of us as the perfect couple. he had clear thoughts on how everything should be framed and staged to perfection. i see most of this in retrospect. its only recently i understood he was/is a narcissist.
    I was very unsure most of our relationship.. something didnt feel right, and it was more than the age difference. I never really trusted him, and he never really seemed to want to get to know me for real. he was satisfied, and didnt dig deeper. that said, our relationship was very intence and passionate. I was very attracted to him, and he was quite unexperienced.
    i tought him a lot about, women, love and sex.
    But at one point i had to share my doubts and conserns..
    so i was honest and said i was unsure of my feelings, giving all my reasons, very direct and knowing i was being hurtfull, just hoping to get some straight answers..
    He replied that he was so deeply in love with me, that he would do anything to make it work, that he had faith in us, and that he needed to make me feel more secure..
    it was magical.. i went from unsure, doubtful and unhappy to happy and in love all over again! i was so moved by hes talk that it made me rethink everything and want to give our relationship a real go.
    i was in heaven.. kissing under the stars, movie dates, blushing, racing heart.. all of it!
    a week later it was over.
    while i was falling all over again, he was moving away..
    He was being unconsideret and egoistic. when i confronted him he just got annoyed, and in my confusion i broke up n the phone, but i insisted that we meet right away. whe i met him he was stone cold, and had turned the situation completely around. suddenly he was the one breaking up with me!! and in such a nasty way. he wouldnt even look me in the eye. he was angry and rude, like he had never been before. i found myself begging him to stay, clutching on to him crying. i have NEVER been the desperate type! I was completely devastated. he didnt want anything to do would me, amd tried his best to leave me alone crying in the dark park.
    long story short, ever since our break up he has done nothing but bragging of his great life. got a new gf straight after. has been ice cold and appearantly unaffected by our break up. hes been telling eveyone he broke up with me. its been humilliating and disgraceful.
    i have tried to get closure. ive written an email and ive sent him a text, he has rplied to none.. we have met twice cause he wanted to, only to find him acting like a stone cold bastard, leaving me feeling utterly used and abused.
    the fact that he wont give me closure, is beyond me.
    we didnt fight a lot. i gave him so much experience, love and passion. i got to know his family. he practically moved in to my place. and now im like air. like i never ment shit to him.
    i ran into him at a club last week, did my best to ignore him and, all he managed was a simply “how you doing” i simply replied “fine” and turned away.. all though it breaks my heart.. i dont want to be a cold bitch, but he leaves me no choice.
    i feel stupid for caring.
    saw him recently at a club, i ignored him as best as i could.

  71. I can’t tell you how much this article helped me deal with not getting closure from a narcissist. I now know that I don’t need closure from a narcissist. That’s not his job. It’s mine. I also finally realized that it’s not my responsibility to deal with his issues. As much as I have told him in the past, I never fully believed it because he kept pulling me back in. I just wanted to say, thank you Melanie. It’s very empowering to realize it’s not their job to stop, but it’s mine to stop listening.

  72. I was involved with my Narc for 4 years and always knew something wasn’t ‘right’ but I was always determined to ‘win’ and make his promises be real. I constantly challenged him and didn’t put up with his poor treatment of me but in reality, I completely did since I never left. He always turned it all around and accused me of being addicted to rage and ‘borderline’. After lots of upset, I received a message from him implying that he was seeing other women but also telling me that he missed me and hated being apart. I was so upset that he had to hint at it and be so manipulative versus just be a man, say it clearly, and end our relationship kindly and completely so I just didn’t reply and it has now been 27 days of no contact. It is killing me and taking so much out of me to not contact him but I am so upset that he has just let me walk away. It almost feels like he is happy and that he got to walk away unscathed and without having to fess up or even deal with me and can’t believe this is how 3+ years are ending. I keep wondering if/when he will contact me and I want to contact him one last time for ‘closure’ and to give him a piece of my mind. I know that I shouldn’t but it is hard to move forward based on a guess or interpretation of a text, not facts. And although I am 90% sure he is NPD, I also am still somewhat convinced that maybe he is not. Is that just the addiciton talking? Any advice?

    1. Dear Evie,
      What I have understood from the great information on this site, is it’s not so much about understanding or getting what he is about, as much as being your true self, you, who are you?

      Keep up the no contact, and spend more of your day, did you see the 90/10 rule? Are you spending 90 of your life your day, healing you?

      You aren’t ever going to get or understand why he walked away, what he feels, why he feels it if it’s right or wrong, but if it’s killing you not to contact him, that is too much energy you are exerting when you could be spending that energy on you…

      This 3 year relationship happened for a reason, so you can learn from it, heal yourself, and have a loving mutually giving relationship in the future.

      Peace sister,
      Bluebird

    2. basically my post below is the same. I keep asking myself IS HE N? I went to him 4 months after we split and said “what are we going to do?” He asked if I wanted to work on things. I said yes. I didn’t go home, I am still away – it was always me trying to ‘fix us’. This whole time. My counselor is the one who told me he is N. I’m confused by what I read – because a lot of it is not him. However, like you said – it’s hard thinking that he just let me walk out of his life – no begging me to stay, nothing until I went to him.
      God I am so confused. I sure help I can get something from this site to help me. At least I know I am not the only one out there.

  73. Hello Bluebird,
    Thank you so much for this reply and your thoughts for me. I know that everything you say is so true and wonderful advice (especially the part about this happening for a reason and that I need to spend more energy on myself not trying to figure him out) but I just can’t seem to act on it. I will continue to try and try and try and hopefully soon it will ‘click’ and I will start moving in the direction of my truer self.
    Lots of love and blessings,
    Evie

  74. Would like to say thank you for sharing your stories. Has helped me more then you know.

    Melanie found your website a week ago and started crying my eyes out. Soul destroying for realising and finally understanding what the hell went wrong!

    Without getting into too much detail about my N. I’m 26, moved to California almost 2 years ago for him from London. Can’t find work at the moment and totally dependent on him. Lost a lot of weight, no appetite and in serious depression. Cry every morning I wake up, feeling confused, lost, alone and scared shitless with what to with my life. No interest in going out or excitement for anything. I’ve let my mind go to dark places and I just can’t quite believe how I got here. I wasn’t this person, I’m angry with myself but too weak to pull through at the moment. We now sleep in separate rooms, if I didn’t talk to him he’d happily pretend I’m not here no doubt. Unless oof course he wants sex and I see him go through the usual charming motions, only to feel like a whore not long after. Amongst all this I have stupidly started smoking meth about 8 months ago. Im a Colossal tool!!! He doesn’t know, nor does anyone else. My neighbor introduced me to it and was perfect timing to shut out my pain! I have cut down and spend about $100 every 2 wks on the shit. But still, I feel the withdrawal when I don’t have it around. I can’t stand that I let someone weed their way into my soul and I became weak and soulless to life.

    God help me.

    Jennifer

  75. Well, I just realized that I’ve been married to a narcissist for 41 years! I have been a co-dependent for a long time, but have been working on it and trying to heal from it for many years. Now I’m seeing that I’m a big part of this horrible relationship thriving. It’s very tough to recognize and deal with. I’m too old to leave-but I’m not too old to get well and find ways to live a free happy self caring life. I am getting all this information from you at a crucial time in my life. Better late than never. As you said in one of the articles, it’s divine and it’s my time (or words to that effect). Thank you and I’m looking forward to growing and becoming freer for the rest of my life. I’m 64.

    1. I am almost 50 and I walked out of our house. I don’t care if I don’t get anything, I refuse to be treated like I was. I am confused and seeing a counselor but I am glad I got out. If it ends up working out, fine but I will not live like I did before.
      I am still trying to figure out if he really IS a N because he doesn’t abuse me, doesn’t lie to me, doesn’t cheat (and I know he doesn’t no matter what anyone says, they don’t all cheat). Hopefully soon, I will figure out if he is N and where I need to be.

  76. I am a 6′-0″ tall male, very strong physically, but I am a very sensitive person, I describe myself that way because I can be painted as the mean ex-boyfriend. Well looks like I am a victim of a narcissist, hum, I have been very careful in my relationships, and I empathize with people. I have been in my own construction business for 24 years. With economic hard times I had to sell my house, shop and property. At the same time I met her. It was bliss. my soul mate, I was in heaven. She says oh move in with me, so I did. Rented another shop for my equipment, that lasted a week, I now live in my shop, no kitchen or shower. And now it seems people are avoiding my calls,(her story about us, me being very mean, and vile) not engaging in conversations like before. I am lost, alone, I dont leave unless I have too, I cant concentrate, I used to be happy funny, Spiritual all rolled into one, now I feel like people think I am a cad. I started researching my depression and ran across Melanie’s site. Thanks for all this I have a long road to go but I will prevail, Thanks again,
    Dan

  77. If you feel you no longer have control of your life then read on. Narcissism, A word I had never heard of before.
    I was Swept off my feet, feeling that it was the best love affair of my life, I had met my soul mate. Romantic picnics, meals, He rolled out the red carpet for me. He moved in within 2 months. The house was totally renovated. The guest room was made into an office for him, my personal photos were taken down, all my furniture discarded or stored to make room for his. Then I was made to feel guilty going out with friends or visiting my family. He was always there; I had no time to myself. His mouth was violent. The vicious abuse that he spat out was heartbreaking. He always had an excuse for why he was nasty, maybe work wasn’t going well, his car was playing up, he felt I hadn’t been there to help him, or been honest to him. The best 2 excuses were being abused as a child, and having diabetes which made him have blackouts and not remember the things he had said or done..I fell for most of it. He hated me discussing my past, talking about happy memories, I couldn’t discuss money, I was not allowed an opinion. Piece by piece like a piranha taking small bites my personality was being destroyed. These people are horrible. Stay away. Get away. They have no remorse, they DONT love you, they only love themselves. I escaped 4 days after my Mother’s funeral.(Oct 30th 2012) Maybe my Mother gave me the strength to tell him to go. I am now at peace with myself. I have never heard from him since. I guess and hope he has moved on and I never wish to see him again. Luckily I was only with him 11 months.

    1. Oh yes. and I hoped and dreamed that one day he would realise and say sorry. I can now accept he never will. I would never trust his sad puppy eyes, I would NEVER go back. I give myself a pat on the back each day and can move on with my life without him in it. I hope he rots in hell..he is the Son of Satan..!

  78. I have been separated for almost a year. I started going to a counselor about a month ago. I wanted to find out if I was sabatoging our reconciliation because he seems to make me think that I am the one who needs to work on everything but claims he is working on it too. So I am at the counselors office and she tells me she thinks he is N and that I am codependent.
    SO I start reading up on N and sometimes I think it’s exactly him and others, not so much. He has never lied, cheated or abused me – can they be N without those thing?
    I read about codependency and some of those do not. I am so afraid I am making a huge mistake by not going back. I love him but not sure I love him enough to tolerate what I lived with before.
    We had been to this same counselor about a year or so before I left and she told me in our private session that he was manipulative and controlling almost to the point of abuse. THAT is where I started watching and listening – HE IS/WAS
    I’m afraid I am going to be controlled and manipulated again. I can kind of catch the manipulation but the controlling, I don’t what the hell to do.

  79. Wow, I’m finding this site a breath of fresh air! It’s been very difficult the last 2yrs of my life after meeting my ex-N. after a year of abuse, being told on a daily basis I’m thick, stupid, boring, not upto his standards, being told I had loose my friends one by one, not being allowed to my mothers wedding, my car smashed up, locked in rooms and my phone constantly taken from me, I knew I had to get out of this soul destroying life. Admittedly I tried to take my life twice as I just could not see a way out. I decided to have domestic anise counciling to get stronger and take the leap to leave… I did this in August, I was strong I had no contact, he turned up at a holiday we had planned for our children, our children were not together from previous relationships. He threatened me to stay away from him and keep my daughter away from his even though I was already booked into this hotel 4 months previously and he by accident booked the same one. After leaving the weekend from hell I continued with the no contact. I then contacted him in December as I was over him, I asked how is daughter was as I missed her terribly. He asked to meet for a chat which I was happy to do as I knew I didn’t want to go back to that life. We talked and he told me how hard it has been for him although he had had another gf. He actually broke down in tears, which I had never seen before… I was taken back and thought he may of changed. He said he wanted us to try again and would give me everything I ever wanted. I was amazed and was sucked in before I knew it… I agreed, we decided to let the girls think we bumped into each other as I didn’t want to throw my daughter back into something I was still nervous about. We had a lovely wkd, on the Tuesday I asked if he wanted to see my daughter do her karate exam he replied yes, see how much effort I make!! I simply said, It should not be an effort, it should be you want to?! He went mad, said it was over he was getting back with the girl he had been seeing, saying I should have done more during the week by seeing him and that I should if changed my Christmas plans. What he failed to see was that he walked back into my life and wanted to control it again… Since this has happened I have relapsed thinking it is me, as you do… And have found my self texting him to try again knowing he has someone else!! What is wrong with me, he ignores my texts as he knows this is the only way to wind me up!! Why oh why would I want him back and do I feel so crap about who I am again. Does it ever end?

    1. Hi Clare. you said it yourself in this email. I used to get the same from mine, he said he had made a great effort being with my family..and I was like “yes, he has”. Truth is, no one normal would ever say that, it should be expected. He will never change. Be strong.

    2. Clare,

      I too found myself letting my exN back into my life. The changes he made were so profound. Not only was he a kinder, gentler, and calmer husband, he lost 50 pounds, quit drinking, started exercising and enjoyed many other healthy lifestyle habits I enjoyed. He claimed he would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get me back in his life and that without me he was NOTHING. I agreed, with the stipulation that we would still divorce and take our relationship slowly and if after two years of demonstrating serious change, I would commit.

      At first it was like the honeymoon all over again. This was in mid-February of this year. Little by little he bullied his way back into every crevice of my life, much to the horror of my family, including my adult children. As I noticed subtle signs of progressing back to old behaviors, he continued to exert his control over my finances, minutes, texting, phone calls, and had moved into my new apartment with me. At first I blamed the holidays for his anger, as not only would my family not allow him back into their life, but his own family was disengaging him. On NYE day, I left a letter to tell him how I felt (since I no longer could get anywhere talking with him)with hopes to return to an apologetic husband, ashamed he had reverted to his old self. Instead, the events of that night and the next day unfolded in fear and terror. Once again, sleeping with my phone tucked into my pants, my computer strapped to my body, and fearful for my life.

      I suffer from embarrassment at work and with my family for finding myself in this position. AGAIN. And, still loving him, missing his companionship when he’s not around, and needing his attention. What’s wrong with me?

      Today is the first day I realized in order to heal I won’t be able to see him. After all, according to him, I am really the N abuser.

      Now it’s March, and this weekend he moves to his new sleeping room. If I can truly get him to leave.

  80. Dear Melanie and others
    I was involved very briefly with a man with true NPD (as suggested by a counselor). My heart breaks for all of you who suffered for years. I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through because I have experienced such pain after only knowing this person a few months. I feel silly to have these feelings after such a short relationship but it is true .. they really do project themselves and make you feel worshipped like no other and then they take it away with no closure. I have never known a person to be so cold. I didnt know it was possible but all the red flags were there .. I just ignored them relishing in the attention and feelings of love. I am easier on myself after research and knowing what I am feeling is normal because I am a normal women with empathy and compassion and he is a shell of a man. Getting over NPD abuse is harder than a normal relationship ending. My head knows this and my heart is very slowly catching up. I think I am getting there even knowing he is with someone else. She will eventually endure what I did. I feel sad for her and their upcoming marriage. I love how everyone shares their stories and wish everyone success in their healing journey.

  81. My boyfriend of 9 months just ended our relationship with the words, i just haven’t been happy lately.
    Our meeting started out as friends for a month, then he texted me and waited to see me at my house. First kiss and talks of relationship, the honeymoon stage was wonderful.. Then slowly, with a concern about how i flirt too much on facebook, who are the guys on there i slept with,, you don”t need them, if they make comments they need to go, or i do.. Then the insistence i text the minute i leave the house, the minute i get to where im going and when i am on my way home. Then some of the comments about how my girlfriends really are not there for me, when i talk to them i get ‘sassy”. He made me change my phone number, or he would leave, because too many men still had it. Nights when he drank were the worst, name calling of every one in the book,, bitch, slut, whore- all you want is the wrong attention,, I will give you all the attention you need. Demanding a change in behavior with my childs father, don’t go into that house or I’m done. You don’t need to talk to him so much, what is there to say.. When my bf called, if i didn’t answer on the first ring-‘who are you talking to,where’s your phone. Times of physical restraint during a fight by holding me by the throat. I tried twice to leave and say this is too much.. Always it was my behavior that caused his reaction. Finally i decided to not fight and just do what i was told.. I became incredible uhhappy, sad, depressed, worried about every move i made every minute of the day. –but i refused to give up anymore friends, kept my class at school and didn’t argue. I finally got a new job last week, had a dinner date set with friends.. and Bam! the look i got of hatred and fear.. and gone!! like the wind, because he wasn’t happy.. How the hell do i move forward knowing how incredible needy and stupid this was. Yet the pain of the incredibly romantic side of him and the love of just having someone there.. To top it off,, ya, Narcissist, he fits almost all of it,, even the feeling that he is quickly moving on to another conquest.. which hurts me the most!!! Why why.. I am holding stronger each day,, i dont want that behavior back, which means not him either…He will not change! his past pattern is there, i see it now as each day goes on..

  82. All I can say is…thank you for putting in writing what I have always known, just blinded by love to not admit it all. You gave me my closure, so thank you!!

  83. Dear Melanie,
    It’s like you are reading my mind. I almost have nothing to add, but will try:
    I was dying for a closure from my ex narc,
    I did the texting, the questions, the obsessing. But worst of all, there was the anger, the kind of anger I had never before experienced in my life, that wouldn’t let me function normally, wouldn’t let me sleep, wouldn’t let me have normal interactions with other people. On some level I know and knew then that I was afraid of letting the anger go – as I knew that some healthy amount of anger is helpful, anger can make you feel powerful, can inspire you to create sth positive from something bad, unjust, disgustig that happened to you…
    Nothing less true.
    In this case, with my ex narc my anger was growing and growing, as moths passed it was increasing constantly to the point when I couldn’t believe that I was capable of such destructive emotions. I was being tormented by it, and ( after I saw my ex narc accidentally one day ) I knew it was going to destroy me.
    So I focused on forgiveness, struggled to see some positive points in the situation, discussed the matter with my friend, considered even reaching out to ppl close to my ex narc to get some closure or honesty from them, I went over my previous relationships over and over again to see how and why I dealt with closure in those circumstances, and how I could apply those experiences to my situation with my ex narc.
    NOTHING worked. Literally absolutely NOTHING. I was just getting more and more obsessed.
    Then, completely by accident I started reading about manipulation, then toxicity, then mental abuse and finally I found your website.
    At first I couldn’t believe it. I was shocked as when I was in relationship with the narc I never ever considered myself abused. Never. I thought our problems and bad days were separate from one another. I thought the character differences were an obstacle in communication. I considered external factors ( timing, family situation, job situation etc. ) connected to his behaviour.
    The moment I recognised that what happened to me was abuse, that was my AHA moment. My anger disappeared immediately. My envy vanished almost completely. The injustice of his behavior, the difference in how he treated me and other people didn’t hurt as much.
    Now, I’m not saying I was healed immediately. I wasn’t. I still am not completely, and I know it. I still see traces of peptide addiction in me, I am still obsessing from time to time, but it’s different. Pure. I know that the amount of work I need to dedicate to myself is immense, but I know also that it’s inevitable and I am on the right path.
    You know, the moment I realized I was abused I felt happy and free. I don’t know why 😉 You would imagine maybe that this realisation would cause powerlessness in me, that I would feel the victim.
    No, quite the contrary.I s t o p p e d feeling like the victim the moment I recognised the abuse.
    It was funny. I think it was because I saw the pattern and I immediately knew that I couldn’t have done anything to change it. That it was not on me, I stopped blaming myself for anything that happened, whilst at the same time I knew it happened because I LET HIM.
    That was my closure and that was my moment of awakening.
    Then I started working on myself. I still slip. But I am getting better and happier every day, every day more convinced of the gift it gave me, every day reading your articles and coming closer towards myself.
    The road is long and difficult, and I sometimes feel I am not improving, that I am standing still. But I’m not going back, indeed there is no coming back from here 🙂 Only forward.
    Jeeez, I wrote a lot. Thank you for creating the opportunity to comment here, I feel the need to get my emotions and thoughts out of my mind and sharing them.
    Thank you again, Melanie
    You are a gift to us all

  84. A little more than a year ago my boyfriend of 2 years left me for an acquaintance of ours. Never did I even realize that the constant emotional abuse was from him being a narcissist, and that his entire immediate family was. I would continue seeing him for the next six months even after they got “engaged” almost immediately, because it was so out of no where and I would believe him when he said he wanted to be with me. How stupid do I feel? Put through so much with someone that can create such passion I never got the closure that I really needed as a decent human being. I can’t explain the feelings it created, it was no normal breakup. But now that im in a healthy relationship I still cant seem to forget about my past because its created a whole new me. I woke up from a nightmare today because I had been thinking about talking to him for closure and this had gone awfully. Within a minute I googled “can you get closure from a narcissist” and it popped up… I had no idea other people even had this problem for starters, but to read this I really teared up. Thank you so much! It means the world

  85. Hello Mel,
    Recently my husband of 28 years left me. Actually, I threw him out with quite some gusto. I couldn’t take the denial of his NPD anymore. I was prepared to work with the NPD supporting him through it, but he refused my support and only blamed me for his condition, his job loss, his situation in life. I am still hurt by his lack of love for me after all these years. My adult children support me and say “please mum don’t ever go back to him” they’re beautiful kids and I’m so proud of them and my grandchildren & I value their opinions very much. But I’ve been so lonely these last few months craving sexual gratification, something he liked to withhold for religious reasons. So recently I had two sexual encounters with other men. We’ve shared intimacy,
    sex, but not intercourse. My head says it’s ok, and I really enjoyed being wanted by those men, but my heart says it’s not right. I’m separated but not yet divorced. I’m a Christian too and I have a deep faith. Is it wrong for me to pursue this? It makes me feel good and it makes me feel that I’m not a victim. Is this part of my healing process to be liberated sexually? I think so and it is helping me break the cord with him and all that we shared. He often liked to talk about sexual fantasies to me, such as threesomes with me and him and another male. Doing this makes me feel that I’m liberating myself. Both encounters were very pleasant. Just some thoughts from you on separation with an NPD and whether if I’m feeling good about what I’m doing is a positive part of my healing?

  86. P.S. I’ve practiced NO CONTACT since he moved his belonging out and he has not contacted me either. I told him when he left that I forgave him for everything which made me feel very empowered. He told me that he didn’t forgive me. He wanted an apology from me, an apology I couldn’t give. I still have a false hope that everything will come good & I think that’s why I’m putting myself out there because I’m assuming that he wouldn’t forgive me for my recent actions of being with other men. It’s a kind of self-sabotage behavior to ensure we don’t get back together again because if I don’t have sex with other men I felt tempted to see him again despite all the pain he’s caused me. Despite my age, I’m still a very desirable and attractive woman. Also something he didn’t reasure in me. I know Mel that you’d probably tell me to not get involved in this way at the moment but …. I still think this is a good thing – getting this ‘sedual archetype’ out of me so to speak so I can break the ties with him and move forward.

  87. Thank you for your article. I have been struggling for the last few months since my Narcissist walked out of my life and my sons life. Trying to make sense of how he after five years feels nothing for either of us. Your articles are a true God send. Thank you. Its helping me understand him and this disease. I am slowly trying to heal but it still is taking me a long time after as you say giving so much of your heart and soul to someone who truly has no heart and soul.

  88. I’m not sure I understand narcissism or if my ex had this. He seemed like a loving dad but he also seemed jealous of my kids if they became closer to me than he was. He was seemingly disinterested in my career. I loved him like nobody else and he was a devoted husband for the most part. But, I did often feel neglected and felt unappreciated at home. After 36 years of what I thought was a marriage that kept on getting better, he ups and announces he’s unhappy. Really? I was in shock and didn’t know what to answer him with. So, after 36 years he left me with no real explanation and filed for divorce soon after. He has refused to talk to me and the divorce is final. I still have no real closure and he doesn’t want contact at all. The OW is glued to him and they have been living together since he left. I have to learn to move on.
    Why didn’t I see the narcissism if that’s what he had? Are there narcissists who don’t stand out? I know he loved praise and always sought acceptance.He was conscious of what other people thought of him. Yet he criticized people readily if they failed to say hello or something insignificant. Is this the sign of a narcicis? I have been told for anyone to leave their wife after a 36 year marriage with no explanation except ” I’m done, she’ll never change.” is a sign of a personality disorder by itself. What do you think? He has no remorse and dumped me like our lives never existed.

  89. I broke up with my N in January but we lived together until he moved out in February. I felt fine until now. I now feel that I have been hit by a high speed train and my anxiety levels are through the roof.

    It is only through trawling the internet that I realised he was a narcissist. He was the typical charmer when I met him and within a month had more or less moved in with me and within nine months I had moved 170 miles away from my family to start a new life with him.

    That was 3.5 years ago. I am now on my own with my son from a previous relationship and just feel so alone.

    I have all these pent up emotions that won’t come out and it’s driving me crazy.

    Typically, he has moved on and found someone else so I am told and this was the catalyst of the high speed train. Like others I feel that I meant nothing to him. I supported him emotionally and financially with his business which has never really taken off and he said that the reason for this was my negative attitude.

    I am now sleeping very well and constantly feel wound up.

    How do I move on from this?

  90. Hi Melanie,

    I have read this article 100’s of times. I complete understand it. I know what I need to do but I never follow thru.i have so much fear. I’m recognizing more and more how Iatch on to others and I now see why people end up diappearing from my life. I get confused and think that’s why he, my N , left too. Even though I know he suffers from many traits of NPD if not the full blown covert N, I repeatedly try to blame myself for him leaving. I get lost in missing the man I fell in love with even though he told me that’s not who he is.
    Thru therapy I have discovered that I have been emotionally abused for a lifetime.
    I’m feeling strapped I’m lost between understanding complete and stuck not being a le to move on with my life.
    I, unfortunately, am living back at home with my mother and feeling the same covert manipulative dissmisive abuse that I grew up with.
    I’m scared and stuck. On the outside I portray a happy 48 yr. old business owner, responsible, take care of clients all day (codependent s dream). After work I am a different person…. Do nothing am lonely and end up in the cycle of missing that man.
    I am sure you would recommend your program but my fear is that I won’t follow thru with it. That’s what I do, I start things but I never follow thru.
    Is there anyway of discussing this with you perhaps thru email? telephone?
    I am hoping you are still answering to this article.
    I need help.
    Kathy

    1. Hi Kathy,

      I empathise with you are realise what the fear is like – but we need to get to a point where we say ‘Have I had enough of the fear and the pain?’

      I feel for you – but ultimately only you can start making the decisions for you. My sessions to work with people verbally have an 8 week waiting time because I have so many clients and commitments…YES I am going to say NARP – and the thing is once you are on NARP then you have automatic email support with me – and then I CAN hold your hand as a combination with the Program.

      Mel xo

  91. Please help..
    I’m in the final stages of ending an 8 yr live in relationship.
    I’m unsure if he’s a narc..he wasn’t abusive all the time..he appears to people outside to be the easy going guy.
    He is a long time dope smoker..every night.
    When he does drink its usually all or nothing & I’m left to deal with whatever mood he’s in when he returns home.
    He’s aggressive side is blamed on me..nobody else angers him like I do apparently – he says my insecurities are an ugly trait. He destroyed the trust early on yrs ago, but justifies his “thrill of the chase” as petty nothing to accuse him of.
    He has been violent – not punching me but throwing things, verbally abusive, emotionally destroyed me.

    My question is…am I to blame?
    I’m guilty of verbal aggression when attempting to defend myself….
    Was I the narc ?
    He didn’t try to control me – just did what he wanted without considering what it did to us.
    We did have good to times..but the bad kept creeping in.

    Was I the cause of this ?
    Will I ever feel like myself – I’ve lost all value.

  92. I need forgiveness, i guess, guilt is eating me away. I was in love before him, wanted too see if the grass, was greener, on the other side. I only wanted him, as a sperm donor, I let him know, once i got pregnant. I gave him the choice to leave, was telling him, to leave, he knew, i wanted a donor. I knew i was not, over my ex, he stayed, even convinced me, into marriage. I am the only one, who looks miserable in the pictures, i didn’t want too, i thought it was right, for my kid. I tried to fall in love with him, never could, never emotionally attached, just to my daughter, I just felt like, a high paid whore, he didn’t treat me, like one, just how i felt. I had my second child, almost died twice, he didn’t care, for the baby either, once it was a boy, who knows. I guess by then, i learned too love, what he did, for us financially, but now nothing. I stopped caring, he is in the air force, was always making suicide attempts. I hate that, cant put your life, in someone elses hands. He went to texas, got a law student, willing too fly, too the ends, of the earth for him. I was very confused, he is okay, she is okay, a law student, married man, two kids? She said he was funny? No no one i knew, thought so, i said she thinks, hes funny, everyone was like really? I had a one night stand, my best friend, his best friend, had one in the beginning, he lived with us for awhile, now we went out, he hooked brought someone out with us, too my exs bar. We did not have too, say anything, we all knew, what we was doing. My ex had a car in my name he loved, i had that kid drive it, my exs mom, his sister, where at my house, watching our kids. We stopped at, my house drunk, too say hi, laughing, his mom said, too my mom, his sister, too keep there, mouths shut, she knew, what i was going, to do. My one who got away, did this to me, not having my mom, sister, mother in law, betraying me too, but my best friend. I didn’t find proof, of him cheating yet, just knew, by doing that, i felt a relief, i finally felt free from, my one who got away. Also i betrayed him, so next day, he got completey wasted, i offered him, some ativan, he loved my ativan, so he swolled 6. I went to his explorer after, he danced naked, on the porch, searched it, under up in his seat, he had a second phone. I gave my phone, to my mom, purposely earlier, i was getting the truth, just offer him some ativan, once he was drunk. So i was not, exactly, nice, fair, innocent, found her, sent it all, to my phone. He was passed out, naked, so i took some pic, sent them to her, asking her how, my husband looked? lol So she called, she claimed, she did not know, doubt it, think its what, she enjoyed about it. I said, too each is own, i was not, mad at her, i did not marry her, his fault, i married him. She asked, too talk, too him, so i smacked him around. I was sadisticly, laughing, i was happy, i was free, he got dirty, so didn’t i, he did it first, did he? I did it from day one, had the kid living, with us. He got up, had to put, his flight uniform on, bc it gave him self esteem, decided he was, killing himself, had to put his suit on thou? Anyways he was gonna drink, broken glass, bleach, he ran throu the house, looking for bleach, i lauged, there was no bleach, then a butcher knife, then he was gonna, crash head on, into a guard rail? Wow wtf he was funny, i laughed, made him stop, had him call her, say it was over, he did. lol then i said no, we are over, i am done, call her back, play suicide with her now, her turn, her job now. I still had not told him, what i did, let people smile, in his face alittle longer, tell him eventually, mommy encouraged it and all! He had a flight, next day, he told me, he was taking off, said okay. Next he was, on a plane, in the sky, with a gun, telling me, he was gonna end it. It was not funny now, i couldn’t see him, plus he has swallowed, 90 ativan, twice, in front of me before, talkin off drunk, saying he was gonna, hit a barrier, cop pulled him over, he said i was pregnant, i lied to the cop, for him, he got away, drunk, driving wrecklessly. He asked what cemetery, arlington, or darlington, around here, we have a, darlington cemetery. I said, stop it now, its not funny, its not my job, call her, her job now. I called her, she laughed, said he wouldn’t, i said i don’t know, i have seen him try, asked if she had? No never, he never even, threatened her apparently. I guess, i just knew, how to get to him, she probably stroked his ego. Anyways i called the air force, first guy called me, a liar, said i will send you texts, he still called me a liar. no that fueled me, now if my kids dad, killed himself, only this asshole knowing. I would be, to blame, blame myself, if i told them, they did nothing, there fault, my kids could sue too, for losing there dad. So i called, all the way, to the top, just wanted someone, too take his gun. Instead they landed, a plane en route to iraq, costing the military, a million dollars, says him, bc they had, too dump fuel, refuel. He is still, is in the millitary thou, surley he is not, worth a million bucks? Who knows, they covered it up, he didn’t resign, for orders, divorce began, he said the air force, gave him that ultimateum, probably, your married to the military, not your family, there moto. He started it, i wanted too, go together, end it quick. No he had to, one up me, everyone was blaming me for a plane, a million dollar, vengeance, says them, i didn’t expect, a plane to be landed, i was horrifed, i did that. I checked into, a mental health faucility, turned out to be, a vacation. He was in my house, he rented a apartment, other then him being in my home, i got to relax, once they told me, i did the right thing, it was not vengeful, he is a asshole, putting his life, in my hands. Everyone i meet, knew him, all called him, a asshole. My second pregnancy, every doctor, told me, he was a asshole, run, get rid of him, money or not, he is a loser, than all smiled, in his face. lol i loved that, bc they knew, how to treat him, he believed they liked him, even when it was so fake, sometimes even sarcastic. Well he kept doing, crazy stuff after, even went to his, princess cousins house, he wanted to spend time together, fucked him, gave him silent treatment, therefore i left him. Now he was going, really crazy, stalking, sending his family, into my work, having people, tell me about him, my mom even exchanged kids, cut that off too. He would look upstairs, trying too see me, i gave him the finger, he stood out there, giving the finger, to my window, with people watching, he looked nuts. He got her back quick, sure enough, she would, hop right on a plane, for him, told him about, the one night stand. He went into the bar, with a pic of me asking, bar tenders, people, who went there, everyone said no, happened like, 2 months prior, they wouldnt remember. He swirved his car, into mine one day, our two kids in it, her in his, giving me the finger, she was smiling, is she on drugs? I told him, still means, i am number one, that if he didn’t stop, i would tell her, we had sex. He told me too, she is a fat, down syndrome, insecure bitch, who aint going anywhere, he said he will even tell her, tell her he is, going to do me, still she wouldnt leave him, she hoped on a plane, anytime he call, he had a point. He pushed i told her, yup she called me a liar, jealous, lol, i said no, never wanted to tell her, was only to fuck him, leave him, cut him off like i did, stalking, swirving into me, two kids, was why i was telling her, why should he care, about me, he is your man now, be a women put his ass there. Idk what happened, he calmed down after, me saying all that, dismissed jealousy, not making him look desireable. He was out of his mind, divorce ended, i walked in happy, ready to sign, said hi too him. He blamed, our lawyers, a psychologist, we had who, was not there, our lawyers asked, if he was on drugs? Who knows, hard too tell, heard he was on coke then, he was when, i meet him. I just didn’t care, was a happy day, away from, this psyco. Only he didn’t, let it go through, we began a divorce war, he knew only way, too get a reaction, was through our kids, he started using them, too piss me off. So maybe i should not, have done all that, stuff to him, maybe we could be cordial, for our kids today, it did let me, let go of, the one that got away, my revenge, was supposed, too be just that. He called, right as, i pulled in one day, telling my mom, he was saying goodbye to our kids moving to texas. He pulled in right after, gave his daughter, a happy meal toy, in his car, just ran off saying he had too go. I watched in disguist, what a coward, running, tail between his legs, not a real sincere, genuine, goodbye. I been expecting it, he had been texting me, telling me, he was leaving, for months now, with frowns that had tears. Mostly i ignored him, but told him, do what ya gotta do.I apologized yesterday, in a facebook message, telling him who, i was he always, asked my past, never told him, never trusted him, cared too, finally had too stop, just blaming him. I never was, emotionally attached either, explains, our sex, only guy that happened, no intimacy, didn’t care, i told him, i wanted a donor, he knew i loved my ex, he knew, i never wanted too marry. So i was honest, he never listened, i thought of our kids.

  93. I dated someone for a year until he dumped me by text. Everything seemed fine before. His excuse was I can’t communicate- a bit rich for someone dumping me by text. Then he said he shouldve dumped me long ago. Why is it always ok for dumpers to be Aholes? He also turned everyone against me. Nevergot closure, never been contacted a couple of years later. Do they ever wonder about us? Everything I read on the Internet says be polite to exes/ ex friends. But when I ran into his friends they completely ignored me. I don’t know what hurt more being dumped by text or also having everyone else turned against me.

  94. I also getting tired of doing the right thing when no one else does. I took the high road but wonder if it was truly worth it.

  95. I’m impressed, I have to admit. Seldom do I come across a blog that’s equally educative and amusing,
    and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on the head.
    The problem is an issue that not enough people are speaking intelligently about.
    Now i’m very happy I found this in my search for something regarding this.

  96. Hi Melanie,

    I was involved with another woman for two months. She was the first friend at the beginning of our relationship. She tolded that she didn’t like or trust other women…but that I was special and she really trusted me. I called her everyday and not once did she ever asked me how my day was. When we would go out, she would never compliment me. I would always pay because she is a single mom really struggling with to teen-age children. I would always tell her how beautiful she was. She would always stare at me with loving eyes, listening to every word. She has been married five times. Her last relationship…the man left her for another woman and she was still bitter about it. She is Russian and grew up in a Communist country. Her father was an abusive alcoholic. I could go on…The first red flag came when we went out one night for my birthday. She had a few drinks under her belt and made a very offensive comment about her last boyfriend which offended me to the core. I have been sober for 10 years and know what I heard. She could she my reaction and tried to make light of it. Our relationship was sexual. She told me she didn’t want me with other women, insisted that sex had to be spontanaous, made me wear lingerie. She would just stare in my eyes. I thought she was being intimate…when in fact she was putting me under her spell. When I confronted her about the comment, she “swore on her kids lives” she never said it. I know what I heard. She knew I was turned off. I am a photographer and I took photos of her…which she loved! In short as the relationship went on, the nicer and more giving I was to her, the meaner she got! I finally confronted her and told her that I felt like I was being used and that I was not the boyfriend substitute until Mr. Right came along. That put her in a rage and she didn’t speak to me for three days. After two months of this, I ended our friendship in a text and I told her to never contact me again! She replied, “You only care about your own desires. You don’t understand my heart. You don’t know what I am going through. I am glad I finally saw your true colors. Have a nice life.” I haven’t heard from her since. It has been almost two weeks. I discovered a brand new thong I was wearing the last night we were together was missing! She had admired it that night. I looked everywhere for it…She stole my underwear!

    I could go on…so many red flags! I have been in 12 Step program and sober 10 years. I know I am in God’s hands. I haven’t even cried over this…I just feel a lose, a disappointment. I knew the relationship was over when she made that comment. I knew there was something off about her and I couldn’t trust her. She was always depressed. I was her cheerleader…ugh…

    I grateful for your words Melanie. Whenever I took your advice. I made a detailed cons list about her. When I feel my self rehashing, I say to myself,” I bless this feeling and accept it” Thank you so much Melanie!!!

  97. I’m unsure if he’s a narc..he wasn’t abusive all the time..he appears to people outside to be the easy going guy.
    He is a long time dope smoker..every night.
    When he does drink its usually all or nothing & I’m left to deal with whatever mood he’s in when he returns home.
    He’s aggressive side is blamed on me..nobody else angers him like I do apparently – he says my insecurities are an ugly trait. He destroyed the trust early on yrs ago, but justifies his “thrill of the chase” as petty nothing to accuse him of.
    He has been violent – not punching me but throwing things, verbally abusive, emotionally destroyed me.

    My question is…am I to blame?
    I’m guilty of verbal aggression when attempting to defend myself….
    Was I the narc ?
    He didn’t try to control me – just did what he wanted without considering what it did to us.
    We did have good to times..but the bad kept creeping in.

    Was I the cause of this ?
    Will I ever feel like myself – I’ve lost all value.

    1. Hi Fuzzy,

      One thing for certain is that if he is smoking dope every night he is not avaliable to be ‘in’ a relationship – he is in relationship with his addiction.

      This is about being very clear about you wanting someone who is present to be able to love you and connect to you – rather than being an addict.

      When you empower and heal yourself enough to draw this line – he will either step up and let go of addictions to be in your life, or he won’t.

      If he won’t that frees you to create a relationship with yourself and other people which is healthy and satisfying.

      Whether or not he has NPD the addiction issue is the barrier right now.

      You are right re your value – you will only be able to heal and vaule yourself when you stop trying to gain that through someone outside of you – especially someone who has no resources to grant it.

      How can he value you – when he can’t value himself?

      This is about learning how to let go of being abused and valuing yourself.

      Mel xo

  98. Dear Master obosianzen

    I just want to take a few moments to personally thank you for helping me bring back

    my husband to me and his family. About eight months ago, I discovered that my husband

    of 11 years was having an affair with my next door neighbor and so called friend of

    five years.
    When I found out about this affair, I approached him and he did confessed that he

    and She was having an affair and that he loved her and wanted to end our marriage and

    be with her.I was so devastated that I had to be hospitalized for a nervous

    breakdown. When I got better, I decided to go online and look for someone very good

    to help me. for a surprised! I was ripped off by many so called Psychics and Voodoo

    workers who all they did was to take my money with no results.Then one day, I saw dr

    samba coment and was impressed by what plople said about him ,but I was more

    impressed with the news reporter who was impressed by you and the fact he pointed out

    how many of your rivals were so jealous of you and spreading lies about you.
    You just responded by simply saying, proof is in the tasting. That was when I made

    up my mind to contact you and I am so glad I did. After 21 days my husband had a big

    nasty fight with that woman and he called me from jail to get him out.
    He told me that he was sorry and to please take him back. After having a few days of

    seriously talking we are now a happy family. I thank God for you each day for you

    and my family.
    I want you to put this letter on your mind and contact him, because I am shocked at

    the lies these other so called Psychics are doing to other people.
    I want who ever reads this letter on your website to know that I do not work for you,

    you have not paid me and I am a very real person.iam swearing to God that all I have

    written to you is the honest truth!
    That news man was right, you are very good and I can see why so many conning people

    hate you and hid behind phony names and websites.
    Just like you said on your coment, the proof is in the tasting! And I have tasted

    your work and you are the best! so please contact him via

    [email protected]
    Your client for life

    BENNEDICTA MOYES,from Washington D

  99. Thank You for all of your courage and stories, I know how painful and difficult it is to share your experiences.
    I have recently found myself at the end of a 4 1/2 month relationship with what I know now is a narcissist. It’s an emotionally draining time, feelings of doubt, insecurity, self worth, questioning my judgement, strength, confidence and HOW THE HELL DID I BLOW THROUGH THE STOP SIGNS, because they did exist. In the end, I kissed him goodbye, went to work and never heard from him again. The vanishing, no closure and feeling of abandonment are overwhelming especially since I had QUITE a few very big red flags that I see now, he manipulated and convinced me I was imaging things. I know that I will recover, heal and become empowered but in the meantime, I am maintaining NC and as hard as it is, feeling better everyday.

  100. hi everyone. this is new for me too. when i discovered my husband on a web site with men i was shocked. he had no remorse and said “I told you if you bring that dog home you are disrespecting me and the marriage is over” i brought the dog home and he was furious. I didn’t care and thought that he’ll get over it like he did with our last pet. well he didn’t. i went on a web site for cyber widows aND CAME ACROSS OTHER LINKS THAT LED ME TO THE WORD NARCISISSM. I WENT FROM ONE LINK TO ANOTHER TO another to DISCOVER THAT I WAS READING THE LAST 18YRS OF MY LIFE. I BEGAN TO PANIC AND THINK MAYBE HE WILL HURT THE DOG THHAT HE FELT WAS COMPETITION AND NARC INJURY. IT IS A HARD SUBJECT TO TALK ABOUT W/ ANYONE. I DID TELL A FRIEND AND ANOTHER FRIEND WHO THINKS HER HUSB IS A NARC. THEY WERE ABLE TO BRING ME TO A PLACE WHERE I COULD VENT AND RECONIZE THIS DISORDER. WE WERE ALWAYS ON AND OFF THROUGHOUT THE YEARS. WE ARE BOTH IN A 12 STEP PROGRAM AND I THOUGHT ALOT OF HIS STUFF WAS DUE TO ALCOHOL AND DRUGS. IN RECOVERY THEY SAY HE IS A DRY DRUNK AND NOT WORKING HIS PROGRAM. I EXCEPTED ALOT OF TERMS LIKE YOU KNOW HOW MEN ARE THEY WANT EVERYTHING DONE FOR THEM, OR YOU KNOW ITALIAN MEN THEY ARE MOMMA BOYS, OR KING BABY OR PETER PAN AND THE LIST GOES ON. UNTIL I DISCOVERED THIS n I CAN SEE CLEARLY WHAT OUR LIFE WAS ABOUT. I WAS A ZOMBIE FOR 5 DAYS WHILE HE WAS AWAY AT A CONVENTION FOR RECOVERY. I THEN GOT A NOTICE THAT HE MOVED 128.000 WORTH OF STOCKS THAT I WAS A JOINT OWNER TO, TO HIS ACCOUNT. I DID CONFRONT HIM ABOUT THE MONEY AND HE TOOK AN INTEREST IN WHAT I SAID CAUSE I TOLD HIM I WENT TO A LAWYER. I DID GO TO A LAWYER AND HE GAVE ME ALOT OF INFO DURING TO CONSULTATION. HE WANTED ME TO START PROCEEDING RIGHT AWAY BUT EMOTIONALLY I WASN’T READY. WHICH WAS A GOOD THING. I TOLD MY MD AND SHE TOLD ME TO GO TO COUNSELING TO GET STRONGER EMTIONALLY SO THAT I CAN GO THROUGH WITH IT. WHEN HE RELAPSED I ZOOMED RIGHT IN FOR SEVERAL YEARS WHICH TOOK A TOLL ON ME. I WENT TO ALANON AND AA MY OWN PROGRAM AND THOUGHT I WAS OK. HE WAS THE CHARMER AND I TOLD HIM I CAN NOT DO THIS ANY MORE WITH THAT HE PROPOSED TO ME ON A CRUISE TO BERMUDA 2 MOS LATER. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 18YRS BUT ONLY MARRIED 3 1/2 THE LAWYER TOLD ME IT IS A SHORT MARRIAGE AND THAT I AM NOT ENTITLED TO TOO MUCH. I HAVE MY OWN MONEY AND INDEPENDANCE NO CHILDREN FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP BUT, HE TALKED ME OUT OF WORKING AND THEN THE INSULTS BEGAN. I ALWAYS FIGHT BACK W/ HIM NOT KNOWING THAT IS THE FUEL. LONG STORY SHORT THERAPY TUE AND TALKING TO MORE LAwyers. ny is a no-fault divorce STATE SO THERE ARE NO GROUNDS FOR MENTAL CRUELITY. I HAVE A BAD BACK AND WAS CRIPPLED FOR ALMOST A YEAR HE HAD NO EMPATHY FOR ME AND I WOULD THINK HOW CAN HE NOT CARE DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT NARC THEN. HE HELPED ME VERY MUCH W/ MY FATHER WHEN HE WAS DYING WHICH I THOUGHT HE WAS REALLY CHanging. that was the narc hook and i took him back. IT IS VERY HARD LIVING W/ HIM NOW WHILE I MAKE MY PLAN KNOWING WHAT I KNOW. I TRY TO TELL MYSELF DON’T REACT IT MENTAL ILLNESS. SO THAT’S MY STORY. AND TO BOOT HE LOVES THE NEW DOG IF HE CAN LOVE BUT IT VERY TAKEN BY HER. SHE IS ONLY 5LBS AND ADORABLE EVEN A NARC CAN’T RESIST OR HE IS DOING IT TO GET MY PRAISE AND HER ADORATION. SO SAD WHEN HE GOOD LORD IS HE GOOD JEWERLRY, TRIPS, AND SO ON BUT HE’D ALWAYS SAY YOU DON’T APPRECIATE ME. I WOULD SAY I RATHER YOU BE NICE TO ME THEN BUY ME THINGS. I AM NOT THAT MATERIALISTIC. WE PRACTICE BUUDDHISM AND TRY TO LIVE A RIGHT LIFE. HE IS VERY ACTIVE IN HIS 12 STEP PROGRAM WHICH PROBABLY GIVE HIM A LITTLE GRACE. I ASKED HIM DO YOU THINK YOUR A NARC HE SAID OH YEAH FOR SURE. LASTLY I JUST GOT MELANIES QUANTUM PROGRAM AND HOPING FPR RECOVERY. I KNOW DIVORCE WILL NOT BE EASY WITH HIM AND I HAVE TO LOOK FOR A JOB. HARD TO DO WHEN YOUR IN ZOMBIE STATE. AT LEAST HE IS PAYING FOR EVERYTHING UNTIL I CAN GET EMOTIONALLY WELL. THANK YOU MELANIE YOU ARE A GOD SENT. I ASKED GOD WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT GOD, DON’T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE, I WAS SO BROKEN AND HOPE MY SPIRIT RETURNS.

    1. I am praying for you. There is a God out there and He is on your side and all of this has happened for your good and His glory. No Buddah to turn to. Turn to God. Make Jesus Lord of your life and repent of your sins and you will be saved. Life is not easy as I am going through this too. We will get through this. Just want you to know someone is praying for you.
      Elvira

  101. hello ladies in my post i left out that i ccaught him on the internet w/ men and asked him are you a homosexual he said no i said bi-sexual he said yes and wants to explore, he just turned 65 and i guess he feels it’s now or never. i say go explore but the odds of him leaving and exploring are slim. he prefers the internet sex, no intamacy and he feels like he is faithful to the marriage how sick is that. i’m in the livingroom and he is in the bedroom with his comp. i am quite sure he does not want another human to deal with and is older now and very comfortable with his i-pad and insulting me. i am the opposite when it comes to sex and feel my body is sacred. he knew that when he met me and i discovered porn, S&M mags, etc. it scared me but i blew it off like mel says signs but not the bullentin board. i read there are 6 rules to live w/ a narc until you get your life in order. melanie did not tell me this but it might help.
    1. don’t feed into delusions
    2.stand your ground
    3. don’t act with authority be kiddish
    4. be around people who promote your talents and assests
    5.lisen to your innerself
    6.do not expect what the narc cannot provide.
    alanon says you can’t get milk from the hardware store.

  102. i am writing to apologize for posting something that did not come from melanie. i meant no disrespect and it shows my co-dependancy in trying to help others on mel’s web site. melanie knows alot more then me and i do not want to portray myself as anything but a product of my narc’s abuse and recovery. pls know this will not happen again we are here for melanies advice not me. thank you carol

  103. Hi, my name is Chris & upon reading this, I realized that this is the problem I am now faced with. I was with her for 10 years and I truly adored her. I met her at an NA meeting & despite her 2 hoodies, a baseball Cap & sweats I could tell there was a beautiful woman underneath. I talked to her & – us! Cat later returned to school to get her Masters degree in Psychology, then interned forever. She told me about her ‘attachment disorder’, her problems as a teenager with cutting, her Bulimia & her issues with intimacy but I enjoyed her company regardless.
    I had a family that screamed & yelled & cursed, insulted and could be violent. I raised my voice 1 time to Cat, she cowered
    in the corner & I felt awful. She asked me to never do it again
    & I didn’t. I was proud of this & because I didn’t think it was possible for me. I also thought that I could build her self-esteem by complimenting her, positive reinforcement of her talents & interests & giving her what I thought she needed to possibly ‘unlearn’ some of the nurturing she never got as a child… as if I ware some expert on love or how to ‘teach’ it. Well I truly was loving, giving, kind & compassionate, intimate, & honest. But I had a slow collapse of my life over the last 3 years or so of our relationship and I became stagnant & depressed. One of the few things that brought me joy during this period was making her feel good, so I lost myself in it.
    We talked at the beginning of our ‘us’, about always communicating, even when it was uncomfortable. We would periodically write lists about things about each other that we
    wanted, that we needed & things that were just ‘pet peeves’ & we would agree to change what we could if it was reasonable & at least be aware of the rest. A few of my wants & needs were:

    Kissing-she didn’t like kissing. So we agreed to

    ‘practice’ until she ws comfortable.
    I ALWAYS initiated sex, & I wanted her to try and make me feel wanted by initiating sometimes & being less ‘timid’.
    Displaying affection in public – simply holding hands or kissing me or putting her head on my shoulder, that sort of stuff.

    I almost always changed things on my end. She did none of them… not one. About 4 months before the end, she began expressing that she was unhappy & I attributed it to my unhappiness. She had
    just started a new job a few months before & she took a trip to Africa. She told me she might not be able to talk to me every day because of reception issues with cell phones in that region. I received 3 or 4 texts from her during that time. all of which were short and impersonal. I felt something was wrong. When she returned, she was acting strange – even more so than her usual
    warm self. She told me that she wanted to break up. Shocked, I knew -“There’s someone else, right?” She nodded in agreement. I
    felt my heart sink, my life implode & I started to panic. Ever since that day I noticed that her whole demeanor has changed down to her body language as if she had a split personality. She walks differently, she uses different expressions on her face – even the pattern of the way she brushes her teeth changed from the consistent “fwa-fwa, fo-fo, ch-ch-ch-ch” to something else.
    My point in all of this is that I feel like SHE is being victimized by HERSELF as much as I am. She has reverted or something and I still feel protective about her as if someone else in in control. She has had absolutely no regard for me, no empathy, no compassion, no kindness and no shame in her
    cruelty ever since. She informed me of how she gladly does ALL OF THE THINGS that she never did for me – FOR HIM. She threw me out
    and moved him in a week after, and she has only known him a few months! Needless to say, being already depressed, I was devastated. A few months later, I still can’t function. It is like she has taken every ounce of joy from me and crushed my spirit. All of my calling, Emails…. any form of contact has been severed. I feel ridiculous saying that I am still worried about her, because the new guy is also in ‘psychology’ and in my opinion is taking advantage of her knowing how needy and vulnerable she was, knowing how rich her family is, and knowing how she will do anything to please him, as he is a true ego-
    maniac. I am left in a state of despair, I am degraded and ashamed, and I feel almost dehumanized. What should I do? Well, for starters, I am glad to know that other people like myself have many things to say that offer hope. I know that sounds like I am happy they went through misery, but you know what I mean! I am sure I will keep finding hope in this site and your wisdom on this subject. Thank you…. sorry if I am wordy(and I left out more than I put in!)
    Chris Caleb

    1. Hey… Update from me – as if anybody is holding their breath in antiscipation – but since I wrote this, I narly died and as a result I am crippled forever. I guess I wa trying t o kill myself without purposely doing it. I literrally lost aquart and a half of blood and woke up two weeks later with compartment syndrome in my left leg… Which ironically SHE has in the same leg, but hers is MUCH less severe. I was in the hospital for two mos after severing my femoral artery. The part that kills me is I did it as adirect result of loving an absolute narcissist who doesnt CARE if I am alive. So, apparently – IVE got some isues of my own. I feel so stupid that I STILL miss her and love her ; I just cant UNLOVE her , like she said was easier than she thought it would be. I wish I could see how to stop caring, but I guess I cant see the forest for the trees… Stupid trees.

  104. I lived with a “husband” for 29 years. Seems I hardly knew him. I kept trying to be included in his life, but he kept me at arms distance, shutting me out. Then, I discovered that he had been heavily texting a female co-worker for the past 3 years and called her his special secret friend. She is a married woman who complained and complained about her husband to him. Seems that he was some sort of a “stand-in”. Now, since I found all their “chats” he accuses me of snooping into his private life and went ballistic. He says that he has stopped chatting with her but he was even shopping for her earlier. Now he calls me narcissistic! He has been checking out divorce sties on how to get rid of a narcissistic spouse. I am sick and tired of his turning the tables on me like this. I asked him if he wanted to stay married and he told me that he “would think about it.” This has been going on for the past two months. I feel angry and hurt by his behavior and his constant stonewalling and lying. He has turned a deaf ear and instead hurls accusations at me.

    1. Sorry Honey but you are getting a bum deal here. 3 years is too long for this to be going on and you are out of the picture now.

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  106. Strangely, more than 45 years after the relationship, I had 2 different narcs from my youth get in touch; extravagant compliments, talking about me to others (after so many years!), and the request for narcissistic supplies was apparent.
    It felt so weird! Instinctively, I went to the No Contact mode. I had definitely moved on and had no thoughts of them. I have a great marriage and great life.
    The mechanisms were so clear. In one case I felt physically sick upon reading a letter. I am a ‘nice’ woman but I felt so angry I could not even answer the letter. The manipulation was so creepy.

    The attachments from these old relationships will disappear and you will be free. Head for the exit and never look back. You can find a different life.
    You are worth it!
    PS I came here because the requests for contact had such a strange quality about them. I can see it was the desire for narscississtic supplies. So nice we can share this info. These people (N) are often clueless; so great to be able to avoid the pitfalls of being around them.

  107. How do I break the attachment? My narcissist will not go away, we’ve been married too long and I am disabled.

    I spent 29 relatively happy years with my Narc because I have a strong personality. I called crap..crap and told him if he slipped up it was over. I could overlook the small lies and boasting…no big deal, but disloyalty and cheating was/is a deal breaker and he knew I’d end things…period.

    My independent personality worked until several mishaps dealing with the “greatest healthcare system in the world” caused me to become disabled and no longer the main breadwinner.

    As the medications I was/am taking started changing me physically (weight gain, dimming sight) my Narc set about cutting me off from everything. He took control of the finances and major purchases. He discussed nothing with me. If he agreed to take me with him to town we could never do anything I wanted because “we don’t have time for that right now”. For two years I had, literally, a pair of jeans and a sweater to wear other than my pajamas. I asked repeatedly for clothes…just a new shirt or a pair of nice slacks to wear but he said “we can’t afford that right now”…every time. I was ashamed to show myself to company and always retreated to the bedroom if people were over.

    The next turning point in the relationship started when my daughter from a previous marriage, through some bad choices, lost everything and asked to come home. We agreed she could. From the moment she arrived he set out to be her knight in shining armor. He started spending all of his time and money with her and she repeated the same behavior that got her into trouble in the first place ie using relationships to further personal gain. If I did anything in my home from chores to purchases (mail order) for the children that SHE didn’t like…he became angry and finally told me I had to “ask her permission first”. At the same time I noticed that his clothes were increasing so that they took over my closet space. Folding his laundry one day I noticed the new things he had compared to my pitiful supply…I was so angry I’m afraid I threw them all over the room..then dutifully picked them up, folded them and put them away….this time all of his clothes went IN HIS SIDE OF THE CLOSET. When he surveyed what I had done he said “I suppose it’s ok as long as my things don’t get wrinkled”.

    It just happens that early in my earning years I made some investments in real property and they are not part of the marital assets. Our youngest child is living in one of the homes with her young family until they get financially solid. One day my Narc came to me, with the daughter who has just moved back, and wanted me to sign for the purchase of a new home for her. Uhhh..”NO”. He then tried to persuade me to get our youngest child to “pay for the home she is living in” so I could give our present home to…, (you guessed it), my oldest daughter.

    Disabled or not, I don’t have to take it…CRAP IS CRAP. It took everything I had inside me to tell him to shove it and I did. I also told her she needed to stand on her own two feet. Her reply was “don’t worry I’m moving out”. I told her “good for you…and take him with you”. The look on Narc’s face when she said she had no intention of having him around was priceless. The fact was that he had destroyed our relationship and she had no use for him if he didn’t control my assets.

    I can’t tell you how used up and discarded I feel. I told him I want a divorce but he refuses to leave. I told him I don’t feel like his wife so what’s the use. In typical Narc fashion he’s told me that everything I went through is in my mind. None of it really happened…what’s the big deal? I’m cruel and want to be angry. He said I’m helpless without him. And, the real kicker..I wouldn’t be disabled if I hadn’t worked so hard when I was younger. (What?) “I told you to slow down, take time off”..said the man who continually nagged me to look for more jobs so he could get more education. He’s said things like “I may as well kill myself then” so many times it has no affect on me anymore and that ended. He’s told friends and family he’s “worried” about me because I’m so unreasonable and demanding. That stopped when I told him that our youngest knows she is to inherit EVERYTHING and WHY. To which he replied “thanks”.

    Every night for 10 months I’ve locked myself in the bathroom to have a good cry. I will not let him see how miserable I am. Up is no longer up and down is sliding away. He sleeps like a baby, arises in the morning, kisses the top of my head and says “I love you, see you after work”.

  108. This may help those of you struggling to start or maintain No Contact, especially since my storey isn’t as devastatingly extreme as some of the others I have read about here… my sympathies and strong wishes to all of you…

    I dated a man for 2 years just after his divorce. He showered me with attention, love, devotion and constant need – 24/7…. the constant need part should have sounded the alarm bells, but I was engulfed, swallowed and sucked right in to all his life issues — nasty crazy fight with his wife over the separation, historic addiction troubles that he started talking about more and more, and everything about us I realized was really all about him and his problems and his life. He clung to me for attention, affirmation, love and attention like a drowning man.

    And what did I do? I thought it was fabulous, I loved the feeling of helping this man I loved, I gave up friends and family to be there for him, I listened to his problems for hours on end, I loved him more than I could imagine … Here was this successful, handsome, charismatic man who was SO in love with me that he needed me desperately 24/7. I was hooked further than I could imagine.

    What happened next? He dumped me. His exwife was controlling the finances, controlling him, and demanding that he stop seeing me (the first woman he dated after the split) or ELSE she would ruin his business, stop his 2 kids from talking to him, etc etc etc. So he used his ex’s demands as the excuse, which were true but he also started dating another woman I realized about a month before he ended it with me.

    What happened since then is the real storey for me, however. That was 3 years ago. He has contacted me constantly since then. He lived with someone, dated many, cheated on and with many, and constantly contacts me with no more than 4 or 5 weeks in between his texts/calls. The point for everyone reading this: HIS ACTIONS NEVER MATCH HIS WORDS. This is key. I love you, I miss you, I need you, will you see me please? This are his words. We meet. I’m cautious, I ask some questions, I get crazy answers, and then he’s gone, with a vague excuse about something, and then no contact from him for a few weeks, then another pop up. I played this awful game on and off for 3 years.

    What did I do during those 3 years? I dated, but nothing ever worked. Now I know why. I was miserable and missed him terribly. Why? Because I was caught in this awful need to have him need me like he used to. I watched my phone, waiting for him to call or text. Weeks would go by, and when he actually did text I was elated. How awful!

    I could go on, but I think the storey and pattern is clear. I gave him one last chance this winter. He set up a dinner date and cancelled. I called him on it, he offered an excuse of he’s not doing well right now, maybe better to leave it alone for now, he can’t give me what I need. THE FIRST TRUE THING HE’S SAID in a long, long time.

    I said good bye. The first time in 3 years I did it. I see what a mess I have allowed myself to become. I don’t blame him, I let myself be who I’ve become about him.

    He can’t make me reply, that’s my choice.

    He can’t make me want to see him, that’s my choice.

    He cant make me pine for him, that’s my choice.

    And, he can’t give me what I need and deserve, so its my choice to go find it elsewhere. I needed to take control of my reaction to his awful actions. I finally stopped trying to change his actions, and accepted that he is who he is…. no amount of wishing and crying and accepting his awful behaviour towards me was going to get him to act properly and give me proper love. He is either incapable or unwilling…. it doesn’t matter which, the outcome for me is the same — he does not do what he says he will do.

    He dates lots of younger women I hear, he travels a lot, and I also hear he is unhappy, alcoholic, and unstable.

    And me? I have resolved to stop waiting for something that he has SHOWN me will not happen. I accept that he is who he shows me he is, and there is nothing here for me but hurt, heartache and constant games.

    Please look at what you get from the person, and decide if it is enough. If it is not, then don’t keep trying to change them, that’s all they got for you.

    I have 2 phrases I repeat whenever I get the urge to contact him:

    1. I don’t stay where I’m not loved, wanted and treated properly.

    2. If he wanted you for real and lovingly and respectfully, he would not behave as he does towards you.

    Its simple advice, but incredibly powerful. And if it looks like he is doing great while you are not, stop worrying about his life (like we did for so long!!!), and start looking at your future and how to enhance your own life! You don’t see him asking and worrying about you, do you? He doesn’t / can’t care about anyone but himself. A tiny bit of that ‘selfishness’ would do us a world of good for ourselves. Happy new year to everyone.

    1. Wow Susan! I just read your post, and it helped me so much, as does this site. I have been reading it for almost the entire afternoon. It has been 3 months of no contact, and I still miss him, and think about him. Why? Your story sounds a lot like mine….Dating a divorcing man who was MADLY in love with me…HA! He has blocked me completely out of his life on all social media. I sent him an email on Christmas stating that I was thinking about him, and Peace always. His response was only. “Thanks. Best to you as well.” Next I see him happy on Facebook with some famous movie actor. He is in the movie industry, and constantly brags about his famous actresses conquests….He is a true Narc. OMG. EVERYTHING applies to him….oh. well gutta get a life back, and MOVE on….Why do I even still care???

    2. Hi Susan, sorry for this long reply but I could really use your advice and help. My Narc experience is/was almost identical but … unfortunately I let my wounds turn me into someone I am not. During one of our ‘off’ periods, I retaliated trying to punish him and make him suffer as I did. I sent anonymous messages trying to expose his wrongs, which I know was nasty and hurtful. I am so ashamed. I apologized profusely, have been sick over it ever since it happened, and I feel extreme remorse and empathy for the hurt I caused.
      Well, months later we reconnected. I never confessed and he didn’t seem to know but also never once apologized for his past behaviors and hurting me. He just swore that he was still in love with me, sure now that he wanted to be with me forever, and never wanted to be apart again. I put the past behind me and fell for him AGAIN. Yet within weeks I quickly found him also sending similar emails to another woman. I was shattered.
      The worse part though is that the next day when I was going to confront him about that, he beat me to the punch. He coincidentally found out that same day what I had done so he harshly told me that there will be no further contact between us – EVER. And I have not heard from him since, which was two weeks ago.
      I have been suffering terribly for so many reasons … I feel so rejected. I also feel duped and used by him again, I am mad at myself for having let him treat me this way again, and I confusingly ache over missing and still wanting him even though I know he is poison to me. But mostly, I am suffering over what I did and am unable to forgive myself. Plus his message made me feel like I am actually the narc and the bad person and one to blame now, not him. I know that I did a bad thing but it does not make me a bad person, right? Nor does it pardon and excuse his past behaviors, refusal to take accountability or ever apologize and display compassion toward me, or does it? Please help me.

  109. ADDING 2 THINGS:

    Melanie, your blog is incredibly invaluable, I can’t thank you enough for what you have done here to help people.

    Re closure: a week before I said I am not talking or texting or meeting him any more, my ex-boyfriend was professing his desire to get back together with me and how I am the only woman who ever got him and loved him. Then he disappeared for a week. When I ended it, yes via a text it was easier for me than in person or on the phone (so he couldn’t try to talk me out of it) he simply wished me well in a return text. Closure for me is in MY ending my torment, its in ending my responding to him, and its in moving forward in my life without waiting for something that is not happening. I gave myself closure. Like everything else I wanted from him, he is either unwilling or unable to give that to me. His silence was my affirmation that I need to get away from him. That’s the best closure he could have given me.

  110. I have left a narcissist after a relationship of about a year and a half. Found out his dad had molested his sister and his grandmother molested his father. He is hurting bad, going from his saying he wants to commit suicide to being proud of how far he has come. He was an electrician and had his own business that he lost 4 years ago. I felt empathy for him. He used me and former girlfriends to help him pay his bills although he did do a lot of work on my home. I am in a place where I am dealing with anger and unforgiveness and can not seem to get past it. I want closure but seeing these blogs I guess there will be none. He has contacted me on Thanksgiving and at Christmas to say that he is repentant and sorry for what he has done only for me to find out he lied. I got an email that was meant for another woman. At first he denied it and later admitted it. Why do I think he can be helped and will change? I so want healing and to move on. I am a Christian and have read many web sites about this disorder and they say that Narcissists can not be healed or helped. He was a pathological liar and a good one. He was very well versed in scripture and knew the Bible well. We argued about that too. He was always right. I for the longest time could not make sense of it and what was wrong. I was involved with my church’s Care Groups so I am familiar with mental disorders and depression. He told me he struggled with that as I did also after loosing a job of 30 years as a graphic artist. I thought we had a connection. Instead, my depression that was so much better when we met, got worse because of the relationship with him and trying to figure it all out. It is like a living hell and no one understands except for the people on this page. Thank you so much for the support as there is none out there. I really need someone to talk to about this. I am going at this all alone. I just met a person who said his ex-wife was a narcissist. We conversed at first and then I freaked out as this person was also so messed up from his relationship that he could not share with me, it was too painful or…..he is the one and cancelled many of our meetings even after he asked me when I had time off. Now I don’t trust anyone and drill everyone half to death after meeting them because I am fearful of this happening again.

    1. By the way. I caught this man cheating on me and I talked to his sister. He found out and threatened me with my life. He had never screamed and yelled like that before. He told me if anything happened to his mother (who has a pacemaker and was with him when I called his sister) he would personally drive to my house and blow my f—–g brains out. I was so devastated I could not sleep the whole night. He told me to never contact him again. I agreed. Later that night he texted me he was so sorry and did not mean that, that he knew I loved him and please call him. I did not. I even told his counselor who told me he would document it but that he did not think this person was harmful. They even fool therapists! I should have called the police. There is so much more to my story. I booked a flight to FL for the both of us to visit my daughter. He tried to back out the last minute (the night before) with nonrefundable tickets. Long story, my car broke down and he drove me to the airport and did come with me. I should have left him home. I paid for almost everything. He finally did pay all but 24 dollars of it. Because he lost his elect business from the recession I was sympathetic. He loved my pet cats and had 3 of his own and seemed to be able to show love for them. His mother is another story. I think there was mother-son bonding issues too. I did not know he lived with her until the day I drove to his house to get to the airport. He hid this from me too. So many things I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt . I read Dr. Phil’s book and that was an eye opener. He was very charming and could be very kind and caring but I think it was only because he wanted something in return. I am having trouble letting go. I do not know why. I think they are just plain evil! There is an erie feeling of just plain “evil”! They get in your head and you can’t get them out.

  111. I’m reading these posts with horror mixed with fear mixed with grief. Just today he threatened to take out a restraining order on me for cyber stalking because I wrote emails asking him to meet me face to face to have an open conversation. I wanted closure. I wanted to understand. I wanted to know that he was the man I thought I knew. I was getting better after over a year ago he cut off because I got angry when he didn’t show up for an online date on the Solstice. And I knew it was happening again and I wrote him texts all night letting it all out. I owned that.

    I knew him in hs. We had started to become close then and then he moved away and I wrote him letters. And he came back for me and something awful happened that I can’t remember fully. He hit a car he was so angry. And he left and I didn’t see him again for over 30 years.

    Then he found me on FB. I was married for many years and the marriage was not totally happy. We saw each on Skype. I’ll leave out some of the details. Then we met in person because I went to him on the other side of the country. For four years I had an affair with this man. Early on, I left my husband for him. He is still with the woman he lives with with. It is making me ill to write this. I loved him very much. I would go to him twice a year. The rest of the time was hell. We broke up many times and I always wanted him back. He always blamed me. A few times he promised to leave her and then at the last minute something would happen and he would blame me. He would say I was crazy. He couldn’t do it. The last few times got more intense. I would try to not go or go thinking that we would just be friends and he’d pull me back in. One time we succeeded in only talking. The last time I showed up thinking we would talk and he told me that he wanted both of us. That he was going to ask her for a polyamorous relationship so he could be with me part of the time. Then she found out about me. I think he set that up. And he started drawing awaya again. And that is when this happened. I was devastated. In shock. Almost a year I kept writing. He oh never mind. He made it me. He made it me. Recently after talking to him but not seeing him the last time I was there, he threatened me this way and after all that I asked him if we’d never see each other again and he said oh just don’t contact me for a while. Then I don’t know. And I left it at that. For several months I didn’t write. Then he started showing up on my LinkedIn page and I wrote and asked him why and he lied. I know now he lied. He made it my fault but he was there first. And out of the blue he said There is no hope. We’ve tried every way. I was astonished because I hadn’t asked him to start again. And I got angry. He told me had shown a friend my picture. Oh the details don’t matter but he became angry. He had answered the emails and was telling me he was deleting me and being nice all at once and it was too confusing. It made me angry. And now he did it again. Called me a stalker. I’m so ashamed. I never threatened him. He keeps telling me I’m crazy and I guess I am because I thought I could talk to him as though we could walk away with some respect for each other. I was just starting to get my life back. He says he’s in therapy. His therapist thinks I’m crazy. Am I? I feel so broken I can’t even think about another man. I’m sorry I wrote this. I’ll read the other posts. I’m so embarrassed and confused and feel like my heart is broken. I thought he was my friend. I left my husband for him. Thank you for your work.

  112. It’s been almost 2 years since I left my Narc/BPD relationship. One of the most painful parts was having to physically leave the place that I loved, my home because I knew after many years that if I stayed physically in the same place as him I would always be manipulated back into the same bullshit. I’m reading and writing because though I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, kind person now I still feel haunted and often have dreams that make me relive the pain over and over again. I have been perplexed because it’s been so long. I should be over it, right? Well, I’m not and I feel guilty and weak that I’m not over it. Right after I left Brett Gyllenskog swooped up one of my good friends, she was moved in with him within a month of me leaving. I thought that she was one of my best friends. I just have to remind myself that I also fell victim to his manipulation so many times. I thought it was my fault that I wasn’t good enough and that perhaps she is but I know now, from lots of therapy, that there is NO good match for a narcissist!! She is now in the same pain I was and although my hurt and anger are still here ultimately I feel pity on her.
    I just wanted to thank all of you that have commented and to those who wrote the article. Especially all the parts about, sleep, reactive depression, nightmares, etc.. I thought I was crazy and totally lame that I still carry the pain around and dream of him and her so often still.
    All of this has helped me feel okay about where I’m at and helped me to see how damaging these people and relationships can really be. I don’t have to feel so crazy and weak anymore about still reeling from this experience.

    Research characteristics of “REAL” Narcissistic/Borderline/Anti-social… Personality Disorder!!! It’s not just someone who think’s they’re pretty awesome and likes to look at themselves in the mirror. It’s so much more.

    Our society’s casual idea of what Narcissism is NOT the reality! They will manipulate you every time you try to leave. You feel like you can’t go on without them because they have groomed you to feel that way. That’s not real! – even though you feel physically ill and overly fearful at the thought of leaving. I promise that It will never end! It is impossible for them to change because of the type disorder they have does not allow them to look at themselves the way that we can and they NEVER will be able to.

    So ultimately please hear my advice…(I do realize that kids and marriage make this even more complex and difficult)…

    BUY YOURSELF A PLANE TICKET TO SOMEWHERE SAFE AND AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT….BECAUSE IT DOES!!!….even if it means leaving everything you love and where you want to be.

    ….and STOP BELIEVING THAT YOU’RE NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, SKINNY ENOUGH, ETC…

    IT’S A LIE!

    THEY NEED YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY SO THEY CAN KEEP YOU THERE TO KEEP SUPPLYING THEM WITH WHAT THEIR DISORDER NEEDS TO SURVIVE.

    REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT WELL – THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL….you can expect “normal” behavior from them. So STOP TRYING!

    Love yourself and don’t look back.

    Lots of love and kind regards to all of you xoxo

  113. Very true. There is no closure, unless you find closure within yourself. You can find it, and it was relatively quick for me once I came to accept that I was dealing with a covert narcissist. It was a spiritually (in terms of energy) beneficial experience for me now that I reflect back, allowing me to see the truth about myself.

    Signposts were everywhere that the woman was simply using me as a narcissistic supply (tool), but I ignored it, because her feigned helplessness and victimization gave me a chance to befriend and even serve as kind of a “parent” to the innocent-looking damsel-in-distress. I wanted to be her “Captain America” (superhero), so to speak. By seeing that I allowed myself to believe the false image that she projected, I now recognize her evil nature while also acknowledging that I am no longer naive about women who behave this way, thanks to her. In other words, I’ve acquired deep wisdom through all this, which will serve me well going forward. And I didn’t lose anything, because I view my time and energy spent on her as clinical / internship experience necessary to understand how covert narcissism operates. And now i know. It’s all rooted in her unlimited pride and desire for enjoyment/pleasure through control/manipulation of men (in my case). I no longer pity her, miss her, or want to make her happy. And I don’t feel guilty, either. Her misery is none of my business, and it’s self-inflicted due to her evil, destructive pride. But I’m not angry, either. I simply understand that such a person is incapable of respect, and is only capable of blaming, complaining, griping, jealousy, and other negative emotions, all of which are rooted in her unlimited pride. It’s her choice to self-destruct, and I’ll have nothing to do with it.

  114. What a fascinating discovery to find so many persons dealing with Narcissism. In many ways I think the American Culture from the 50’s and 60’s has created male and female roles that mimic the Narcissism/Co-dependency system. Now that women can work, make money, and free themselves from financial dependency on a man, an upsurge of awareness may be creating an outcry against these unhealthy roles. Men with N. women, I am not leaving you out of this…but the stats are the 75% of Narcissists are men, and their hosts would therefore be codependent women. As everything happens for a reason, as Melanie points out so articulately, I am wondering if we, as a people are growing out of outdated marriage models.

    I am just coming to a realization that my last relationship was probably a mild version of this model, nonetheless, I feel that it was an unhealthy relationship. I am concluding that he may be a covert narcissist, but only mildly so. For a while I struggled with identifying that in him, and then later, I thought well, it’s just a label, and a judgement against him, which actually can keep me hooked in.

    So after labeling him as a Covert N, I decided that his priority for a relationship was not a match for the way I see relationship in my life. In other words,with me valuing quality time with those whom I love, and with him putting those whom he loves at the bottom of his list, we just weren’t a good match. Hmmm. O.K. That sounds like denial, I thought–in the sense that 7 years of not being a good match was a bit insane. There was definitely some “hooking” behavior going on, and I was the one hooked.

    Hook is an interesting word, because it does imply a sort of addition. Over time I became addicted to hope, our dreams, and his promises that our relationship would have its day. This was a long distance relationship, and I think that it took a little longer for me to begin to see the CN mask come down a little.

    He was never violent, or angry, or cheated, that I know of…(hmmm, that’s food for thought); but with the long distance and his Christian teacher and leader demeanor, his acting role was very much of a gentleman. He wasn’t a drinker or drug user, more addicted to working and making money than anything. In fact, all this time I thought he was addicted to work, but in light of all this new N information, I think he is simple addicted to attention. And in his work he works with people, and he gets a lot of attention from people, while he is on stage as a teacher, trainer, and sale person.

    And it was a mask. The reason I say it was a mask is because his words hardly ever matched his actions when it came to me and to “us.” Now this could simply be an issue of “character” but I watched him in the other parts of his life, and he showed consistency, congruency, and integrity. Only when it came to me, the love of his life, (bla bla bla); his words only matched his actions about 50% of the time.

    I am an author, a very good communicator, so I made sure there was clarity in our communications, although, he would try to confuse communications constantly. So, early on, he really could not get away with inept communications. When he would make phone SKYPE dates, or promises with me he would break them at least 50% of the time. Of course in the beginning it was not like this, so I had already fallen in love with him when he started this bad habit.

    This was very disrespectful and demeaning; and he would always promise to stop it. Eventually, I broke up with him over this issue, as I saw it was seriously messing with my self esteem. One evening, he went to a business meeting, and I was in the hotel waiting for him to come take me to dinner. Of course he was HOURS late. Meanwhile, I had opened a bottle of wine, and poured a glass of wine, thinking he would be there to take me to dinner shortly. He didn’t come for hours, and I ended up drinking the entire bottle, and had to go to bed, due to feeling sick. Then when he finally came home, I had overdone it! UGH! I realized that this was just not good. Shortly after that I broke up with him, and the reason was this chronic neglect to show up for our dates, our time. Of course, he was doing business and earning money, and one can hardly fault that. But what made it unacceptable was that he would not call me or text me or tell me he wasn’t going to show, or that he was going to be late.

    Looking back, I feel that he was getting his N supply in those MLM meetings and never wanted to leave…to get his NS from me. I mean public admiration definitely trumped my waning admiration and respect for him!

    So no major drama…but he clearly has no empathy for my feelings after having driven me to suicidal thoughts after another stand up incident, I begged him to please be a responsible driver of our relationship, to keep the car from going into the ditch of unkept promises, cancelled dates, and broken agreements. He just never would do it.

    Underlying all this was his Christian concept of unconditional love. I was supposed to forgive him 70 times 7. And, he always forgot about the neglect and abuse of my time (I am self employed and I could have also been making money during all those times he stood me up). He would just erase it, like it NEVER happened.

    Very strange.

    So yes, I think that he is mildly, and most defintitely a Covert Narcissist, with some co dependency thrown in. Me…I have recently broken up with him for the third time. It feels impossible to break up with him, so I am just going into no contact mode. He would never break up with me. The times that I have broken up with him due to this abuse of my time, and chronic broken agreements, he would keep calling and emailing and trying to contact me, when I told him please, just let me heal, let me go. But then when I wanted him to show up for those dates and agreements he made with me, he would not do it.

    So it was like he wanted me when he couldn’t have me, and when he had me he didn’t want me. He never really had me, it was always just the ghost and a shadow of a potential relationship.

    So Even though he doesn’t have all the classic symptoms of N he definitely does exhibit an extreme lack of empathy, never says he is sorry, (once in 6 years he said that he was very sorry that I felt hurt in order for us to not break up), and has this really crazy sense of denial. I mean one time I broke up with him for about 7 months, and he didn’t acknowledge it, other than to say he was challenged that I wasn’t responding to his calls! I am a great communicator (published author) and I know I was clear about the break up and the reasons why. Speaking of author, I sent him one of my published books, that I knew he would enjoy reading (he’s an avid reader of that genre) but he never even read it!! SO STRANGE.

    I think those 3 symptoms gets him into the N category. Again, its just a label, suffice it to say, my goal is to rebuild my self-esteem that had gradually, insiduously and imperceptibly bit-by-bit! Luckily I only saw him 3-4 times per year, as his promise was to move to my area but he never did in all that time.

    The last symptom. I gave a tremendous amount of business services to him, probably in excess of $25,000 worth of value, which is not a big deal if you are a couple, working on a life together, but he NEVER so much as gave me a birthday, or Christmas present int the 6 years we were “in love.” I gave him gifts for the first 2 years, but then stopped when he would not give me any gifts either. I did not think it there was a balance in me buying him valentines, birthday and Christmas presents, when he thought those were commercial holidays that we was never going to practice gift giving on those days (or any other days either).

    Covert Narcissism is an eye-opening label, but in the end we must take responsibility, not blaming them, (as they blame us) and work very diligently to rebuild our self esteem in the most healthy ways possible.

  115. Hi Melanie,

    Your website is a godsend. You truly get it, and each article you right pierces my heart (in a good way) and helps me to see the true light within me.

    I listen to your e-books when I am driving, I repeat the essential lessons you learned from your experience whenever I would get challenged to speak to my N.

    And now, I have turned the corner. I have experienced the energy shift. I still want to do the healing, but for the first time, I don’t dread the future…i look forward to it! There is hope, and I am never, ever, ever going back.

    Thank you so much!
    AP

  116. I very much appreciate this website as I have been living this same story and have come to the very same conclusion, it was the only way to fully recover from how other-centered I was before I married him, and no self worth. I had the extra loss that he took our children away from me, as one of his tactics. Reading about the tactics has been so validating for me, because he smeared me, he constantly accused me of doing the exact thing he was doing, and also loving to upset me. He would argue with me just to upset me, not to clear up an issue. Such a relief to read about the identical tactics because it feels like I am finally believed. And this closure article just nails it. thank you

  117. I’m not sure where you are getting your info,
    but great topic. I needs to spend some time learning much more or understanding more.
    Thanks for magnificent information I was looking for
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  118. Melanie, I am just a week fresh into my NC. I have previously researched this obsessively and attempted to break contact twice more before this and even got away with it for a month and a half doing much better until he started contacting me.

    What I really need to see that I can’t seem to find but maybe two out of thousands is success stories.. I can only hope that it’s because when people move on they don’t even come back to report they’re feeling better but I just need a sign that it’s gonna work out and that I’m not still gonna be thinking about him a couple of years from now.

    I do see that peiple have gotten past certain NC milestones but even after a year or more many of them are still talking about how hard it is and has been and that they still struggle with it even though they are better. It seems that even though I might not be hurting as bad as I am now, the best prognosis still includes always thinking about them and kinda missing them.

    Shine some light on me, will ya?

    1. Also a lot of people seek solace in the fact that the N is not doing well on their own.. financial or legal or addiction problems.. I don’t have that.. he is very successful and has everything he’ll ever want.. leads a very exciting life with awesome friends and is well off enough that he can take off of work and travel for months.. I on the other hand am in shambles.. serious disrepair with a lot of debt and no close friends or family after this four year long encounter..

  119. I know this to be true, down deep inside Ive always felt the relationship was wrong and I felt trapped, God has gave me the help I needed, to start to live my life to the fullest, and free of constant confusion and hurt. I feel free and more at peace than i’ve felt in 7 years, and although it was quite a rude awakening :-\ and even though I still think of him every day (the bad times we had) I thank God for loving me so much that he helped set me free to not spend one more day with insults and disrespect from the man I loved so dearly. Ive accomplished so many positive things since his been gone, and I intend to continue the positive new life I have chosen to embrace. We deserve to be loved as we love, and not settle for anything less. Thank you for the words of encouragement

  120. I’ve been reading for days and it’s been quite an eye opener. The stories are basically all the same only the names change. I did this dance for 12 years. It’s amazing what they are capable of. My thorn in my side is a cop, which makes things even more interesting. I asked a question once, a simple question and he threatened to get a restraining order on me and like everyone else here I couldnt wrap my mind around this. It just was not normal!! That one was early on and of course we got back together. Since that one I’ve been through asking more wrong questions, being asked not attend his sister’s funeral (that was a new one for me, not that any of this wasn’t), being told to leave because I was 20 minutes late to go to a baseball game, and the last one was over wanting to take him out to celebrate his birthday. It’s mind boggling the insignificant things that set him off. I could write a book here, I’m keeping it short. There are so many other things that just are not right, not normal. He has no friends left from the time I first met him and basically spends any time he is not working on Facebook or moaning about his latest ailment. The people he does socialize with, if you want to call it that (rarely goes out) are unattractive women who have nothing to offer..except as I’ve learned, to feed the ego. I said a lot of nasty things to him after this last temper tantrum. The anger I had inside me was overwhelming. I haven’t spoken to him in over a month, he’s got my text messages blocked and hopefully the silence will continue this time. It’s just not healthy or right. Reading has helped tremendously to understand what they are not capable of and how much they project what they hate about themselves onto you. I hope God gives you all strength to get through this. We deserve so much more.

  121. A bigger question to ask is why there are seemingly so many narcissists? How they will never admit to being one. What does this speak of the generation that raised these people? In coming to understand the true definition of what a narcissist is, I was married to one and became co-dependent on her making me feel like shit for who I was (or was not)to her, regardless of how much I knew I loved her and showed her. She actually blamed me for “trying too hard” to show affection for her in our marriage to counter a weight problem I had for a period of time. She wanted to get married initially and I loved her and married her for her. She never ‘loved’ me… and couldn’t find the courage to tell me, but did find the courage to cheat on me with several men before I divorced her. She never even admitted those affairs… a best friend’s wife found out and told me. Even after the evidence – no apology for ruining my life, our marriage, trust and friendship. I cut all contact the day of our divorce. She married the last guy she cheated on me with less than six months after our divorce was final.

    The first woman I had a relationship with after? We had all been friends for over 25 years and knew one another well. She turned out to be an even worse narcissist. After the honeymoon phase which lasted about 10 weeks, the next almost two years became worse and worse to the point where I felt exactly like I did and when I was married. Add to this that she had kids she let get very close to me with also. That part hurt. Add to that she refused to reciprocate affection (accept when drunk), admitted to having developed an alcohol problem (and turned out was secretly sauced about 75% of our time together), let her cheating ex into her life on a whim for weeks on end, conveniently ignored my birthday twice, texted me she missed me on Sunday, then stopped all contact and refused to see me or talk to me. I received a short email after begging her for answers which said the whole thing between us had meant nothing to her. I never felt like a friend, a lover or anything else. She added she felt like, even if she wanted to have a relationship with me she couldn’t and that I should be thankful for her doing me a favor but cutting me off.

    All I’ve been asking myself is why did I attract these two women? What was it in my character that they were attracted to? That I was trusting? Honest? That I have too many ‘nice guy’ traits? I keep looking at my close relationships… even the difficult one with my parents, and wondering aloud… what the f? Is everyone that broken and damaged? I think at some point everyone displays traits associated with a narcissist, but it takes a full time one to be able to live with themselves for so long.

    1. Dude,

      Don’t be a nice guy. Be a good or great guy. The words don’t have to be uttered in the same breath. Good guys stand on their beliefs with a sense of unwavering defiance. You won’t bow down to people’s absurd requirements of you because you’re committed to the person you’re meant to be. You will not be steamrolled when you’re a good guy because you’re principled. Good guys will inherently do nice things because that’s part of who they are, not because someone demands it of them. It’s okay to be an asshole sometimes because good guys can be assholes when the situation calls for it. Take a scene from the end of the Chronicles of Narnia: Is Aslan a good lion? Yes, Aslan is a good lion. He’s dangerous, but he’s good. Aslan is not a nice guy (lion).

      Nice guys, on the other hand, fold under pressure because they don’t want to rock the boat. They are too busy being pussy-whipped (pardon the colloquialism) to ever be a man.

  122. On the “no closure” I decided to take action-but in a way that would help me heal.
    I wrote a letter to myself “from him!” It’s in my Journal with a border drawn around it as if its his stationery. I even drew a little one of his favorite animals at the top and wrote ‘From the Desk of (N)’ that gave me the feeling it was a real letter.
    As N, I “explained” to me, that he was sorry to have been so long to write to me. That he wasn’t able to be the person I’d wanted or even the person he’d pretended to be, to me. That things had moved too fast. That he appreciated me caring about him and was sorry he’d upset me. That he was getting out and meeting new people and hoped I was, too. Then I ended it with “I wish you all the love and happiness in the world” and signed his full name to it.
    I then read it and cried, but they were tears of closure. I got some real relief from it.

  123. Hi…such sad stories on here 🙁 I’m also really struggling with my breakup..and I would really like opinions as to whether my ex is a narc? We were together for almost a year,he said he had been on his own for a long time prior to me.im 31 and thought we’d be together and have a family eventually.he would sometimes disappear from me and be distant, and also if I ever challenged him or acted upset with him, he would not listen, he’d either walk away or tell me I was nagging and he also said I should not talk over him, what he had to say was important too. He often said others were jealous of him, and spoke badly of others when he was nice to their face. One night I accidentally spilt a drink on him and he threw the glass at the wall and wouldn’t speak to me for ages, he said I was laughing at him eventually! I also suspect that he slashed my car tyre one night.the final straw was one night after I hadn’t replied to his texts, as I was sleeping, he kicked my door and got into my home while I slept. He claimed he was just worried. He would never admit he was wrong or apologise. He was charming and said he lived me and he did seem to care, and be protective..anyway after a few while back in touch and we met up had a lovely day,I thought we were trying again..then he suddenly went cold on me and said he wants to be on his own. It turns out he had started seeing a much older woman in her 40s, which he denied even though I texted that I knew, he just said I was acting crazy.ive also heard that he cheated on me another time too. It’s been 2 months of no contact and I’m struggling. Does he sound like a narc? And why did he come back into my life only to discard me? I just can’t get my head around things I really thought he loved me.

    1. You will never get your head wrapped around things when it comes to an narc I was with one for 14 years and my parents are both narc
      So saying that it took me a long time to run and keep running Did I get closure? No I did not and guess what I do not care! You are not going to get anything from an N and waiting while your life goes by is a huge waste of your very special time on this earth
      I kept taking him back because I was trying to get him to fix me! He cant fix me no one can but me! I have practiced meditation for over 25 years and I still could not let myself let go He was and is a cheater and he always will be That is not ever going to change so why do I want him back in my life How can we run back to those who create our pain and expect that they are going to heal us!!? I do feel sorry for him I feel compassion for his suffering but he was creating suffering in me When we see that the issues are not the N’s but ours then we can move though the pain and ACCEPT as long as we keep running from ourselves then we will keep hanging on to the N Yes it will hurt and yes we will miss the N *I know its hard to believe) but we will but that is part of mourning that which we went though was real We have to go though the mourning process Its the only way we will let go and not be stuck Yes it is an ADDICTION But we can heal and we can move forward Sometimes good days sometimes bad days But that is reality I wake up every day and guess what he is not the first thing I think of (it use to be like that) I am so happy to be free It took 14 years to let go but I did do it It was a growing process it was a Spiritual process and from where I am now I feel good about ME I do not have to be anything more then who I am to be loved Understand that when we seek love from a N its because we really do not love ourselves Being raised with two N’s I had many issues with this so N coming into my life taught me to let go and be who I am Its a good feeling to know that you are happy being you and that every day is a gift Look to learning to be mindful and seeing what is outside of ourselves There is much more to life then an N who wont give you closure Ask yourself “why am I hanging on Why am I stuck??”

  124. Had experience with long term client relationship…became abusive…have stayed out of most relationships because of all this….would like to hear more

  125. Dear Melanie,

    I felt myself reading your article. It awakened my senses and as if I am the one writing it. It’s me..everything you said was me and is me. You are a blessing to all the readers who are in boat of narcissistic personality disorder. I thank you for the wisdom filled article. And Id love to read more of it. Now I may say, it is indeed and truly and avenue for my healing and recovery.

  126. I can’t believe what I have done. I managed to leave a malignant Narcissist after 39 years of marriage. The year that followed was, unfortunately, miserable. I had led a sheltered life, cut off from a social life and I was taken for a ride, financially, by unscrupulous landlords and ladies…two of them. Battling financially, I was suckered back into the relationship by loads of promises. I thought I’d be better off and returned. I cannot believe it. I have been back for a month and NOTHING has changed except that the evil has strengthened. I face daily tirades of how he has been affected, how he has been hurt and how I have done this to him. He insists upon me telling him why I left because he is such a ‘good’ man….Fool that I am, I told him, recounting some of the heinous, pivotal experiences he has put me through….only to hear THAT HE DID NO SUCH THING AND CANNOT REMEMBER AND THAT I’M THE GUILTY ONE BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE PAST AND WON’T FORGIVE. He has estranged both our children from us and all I can say is…to others out there even toying with the idea of counselling or conversation with a Narc-type….forget it and run!

  127. I really need someone to personally talk to without emails. I’m planning to leave my husband tomorrow which I believe is a narcissist, but my mind is playing with me. He has told me I was stupid, crazy etc! And I have no one to talk to without them saying just move on get over it don’t let him do this too you! Even everything I read is starting to be like jumbled together my mind seems to be foggy! Am I stupid? Please 912 501-5254

  128. This is the first time I have read into this behaviour. I grew up with much neglect from parents with all the traits of a narcisist. I was sexually abused through the church, then hushed up by my family and the church community. I have been married for nearly 20 years with 4 children. I have done a version of many of the cruel behaviours mentioned except for interferring with my children.

    The blogs are generally from women wanting closure and to feel better about themselves, which is understandable. I have come to realise the man who raped me has to carry the pain and torment in his soul forever for what he did to me. So how do I survive knowing what I’ve done and how do I find peace for my wife and children and also for myself?

  129. What a pile of self-indulgent, self-serving nonsense that shows all the self-obsessed characteristics of narcissism.

  130. Like this man, we invest ourselves in the belief that our life is
    supposed to be a specific way. Sit using your
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  131. I am not sure where to start, I am in such a turmoil and when I read someone write “shell of a person” I literally know what they mean…. I met my N husband 10 years ago and before being separated 10 weeks ago married for 6.5 years. I have a 10 month old. When I look back now I realise he had picked me carefully as he used to say he could mould me the way he wanted, when I resisted we had arguments – I was labelled argumentative, he was never wrong. I was always, never good enough even when I earned more than him always, worked a higher profile job than him, He was the golden boy of his mum and I have just realised this now when he left after his purpose was done – never to look back for the child. I am broken completely but slowly recovering but now he is asking contact with child. I cant handle anymore of what he has done to me for years. I get hot flashes, flashbacks and keep blaming me sometimes still.
    Can someone please help me understand why would he suddenly want to see or child after 10 weeks, the day he left he never bothered to look at her once…. she was 8 months then…..

  132. After being in relationship with him for seven years, he broke up with me, I did my best to get him back but all in vain, wanted him back so the love I feel for him, I pleaded with everything, I promise, but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that instead should contact a doctor love that could help me pray for my love to bring back to him, but I’m the guy who never believed in prayer, I had but to try, I sent the akim dr man, and he told me it was okay that everything will be fine within three days, my ex back to me within three days, he prayer and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 16:00. my ex called me, I was so surprised I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, he wanted to go back to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and I went with him, that’s how we started living together happily again. Since then, I made a promise that no one I know has a relationship problem, I would help that person by him or her in reference to the only true love and powerful doctor who helped me with my own problem and that is different from all false there. anyone could need the help of the doctor love, your email address: ([email protected]) you can email him if you need their help in your relationship or anything. You can never stop talking about you sir Your Email

  133. My lover left me in 2 years ago. he did not contact me, wouldn’t answer my calls and emails, During this period I contacted many casters without results. . But I never lost hope until i got to meet this powerful caster ROBINSONBUCKLER@ (yahoo). com and he did the most wonderful spell for me and after 3 days everything changed, my lover came back, his love spell works fast even in the most complex circumstances, I am recommending his love spell to every couple who wants to get back together, I can say Mr Robinson possessed all the qualities you want if you want to get your lover back, it was like a dream to me, he will solve your relationship problem

  134. This is an observation, and maybe it’s because of the perception that men are just expected to suck it up and move on with their lives without looking back, but I noticed a distinct absence of a man’s perspective on the subject. I’ll chime in.

    Narcissism is gender-neutral. My ex-wife never offered any apology for her role in our divorce. She admitted to her former monther-in-law that the only reason she went through with the marriage is because she didn’t want to disappoint the people attending the ceremony. It was all about her and what people thought about her. She went forward with the wedding without giving a second glance at the damage it would do to me without her heart fully being in the marriage. She also told her that she didn’t believe she was ever in love with me and that she had not been happy in her marriage to me from day 1. Throughout our 5-year marriage, she constantly attempted to pressure and shame me into decisions I didn’t want to make and would get mad when I pushed back against her wishes. She was never happy unless I was giving her something, and she tossed around the word “controlling” when I expressed my thoughts about her attitudes and behavior with our finances to which she didn’t contribute. Any rules set were set for both of us under mutual agreement.

    After the divorce was final, she even went to the point to tell me that she forgave me but for her own good and not mine. Why would someone even make that statement? It makes no sense. The closest thing to an apology she expressed was that she was sorry that both of us were going through it. She displayed a chilling lack of responsibility or accountability for never being fully invested in a marriage and, in my eyes, living a lie for 5 years.

    That created a big lack of closure that I’m still dealing with. I’m still trying to learn how to let something go because all of my past relationships and friendships have either been successfully addressed and closed or mended because of openness and a willingness to acknowledge personal faults and the importance of the friendship. I want nothing to do with my ex except for a simple apology that I’ll never get. It sucks and knowing that she just remarried 15 months to a high school friend after a finalized divorce with no separation period just leads me to believe she had already pushed me out of the emotional picture while I was away on a deployment and had him on her mind. That’s hard to get over and fully accept.

    Saying “get over it” is much easier said than done, and I’m open to actual ways to get over a lack of closure.

  135. The information on this site hits very close to home. I’m six months out of a 2.5 year relationship with my ex fiancée. I’m beating myself up for not recognizing the warning signs of her hostile dependency and avoidant ambivalent attachment style early on. When I met her, she had few or no friends, she was the focal point of her dysfunctional family and she would flirt with anyone for attention. On the other hand, she was very charismatic. During her idealization phase, her humor was heavy with sarcasm and she had an eye for detail that made hanging out with her so much fun.

    She was very intense and the relationship was like an adrenaline rush while I followed her ups and downs. Everything changed for the worse after my proposal she discarded my feelings and it was clear she was looking for a way out. I ran across a book about relationships in her collection and written in the cover were the words, defensiveness, condescension and withdrawal – it looks like she experienced these same traits in previous relationships as she had with me. However, she referred to me as being controlling and manipulative and I still don’t have any concreate examples of this. Her constant need for attention and her shallow, fluctuating moods, inflammatory statements and challenges kept me walking on eggshells, diminished and neglected for most of the relationship but it all worsened after the proposal.
    The night we broke up, I confronted her with what I could see was her lack of empathy and her financial irresponsibility. I called her a bully and declared that she didn’t know how to be intimate in relationship. She had absolutely nothing to say, she couldn’t fight back. I called her on all of her abuse and I shamed her good.

    We tried therapy for a month – going to her therapist was a mistake – I now see the conflict of interest that it was. I saw that to her separation allowed her to hold the upper hand and continuing to control me without owning up to her responsibility in the breakup. I ended the separation and she has been mad ever since. She went no contact more to punish me rather than create space to heal. The sad thing is, I know I did the right thing ending the relationship with this woman but I am still miserable without closure. I have a little bit of validation through a mutual friend that says she is a miserable bully at work despite the happiness she portrays on her FB page. Getting over these a** holes is much harder than it should be because of the false intimacy that they projected so early in the relationship. Despite taking matters into my own hands – ending things and in theory preserving some of my self-worth, I’m still looking for a way out of the torment she inflicted on me. Working on myself is the only way, yet it still doesn’t make the uncomfortable feeling of being used go away any faster.

  136. Hi, great job Melanie for this wonderful issue. This reply was prepared last Oct 2015 and still incomplete but I need to send it out coz the more I see this in my file the more I keep on pretending deep inside me that it ism ok..It left tears in the corner of my eye as I am reading your blog during my work time… Just recently I read all of comments, sentiments, concerns and all other related and non-related topics and is really amazed of what you have brought up on “NARCISSISM”. Apologies with my English as I don’t know the right exact words to express what I feel.
    Where do I start? I think this will be endless,,,,, just kindly bear with me.. I’ve been holding back this for 21 yrs…
    I am a happily married man for 20years, gifted with 3 beautiful daughters, a beautiful wife, got a stable job working overseas…still healthy at my age of 44…. Somehow successful as my treasure is my family right now….what else would I look for??? Still I am incomplete…
    Honestly, I need contentment…to be conscience free….free from someone holding back on me…removing the cursed me she emphatically raised on me. She said that “I will never be happy in my life”… and all of those stuffs for me to be incomplete.
    And this is my story….I’ve had an ex-girlfriend (Ms. X) to which I see in her the qualities of a narcissist. How? Let’s just say until now I haven’t moved on with our relationship 20 yrs ago because she doesn’t accept my apology even, as far as I am concerned, not my fault.. (Nobody accepts his own fault and mistakes). There is NO Closure from her in which for me, I tried very hard along the way for 20years of being away with each other to make amends but to no avail.
    It was year 1991 when we got into a relationship. We broke up late 1994 but before that we were young, free, and all things that you could imagine, but we have a responsible relationship for 3 yrs. The best I ever had and thought I will end up with her. Fought and stand up for her with my parents. Do all the sacrifices just to make her happy even accepting the blame & petty offense she did pick pocketing in a store and many more memories of fun, living to the edge sort of stuffs until the last years. She graduated college ahead of me, worked hard, met older guys that are already have a good job and stable for short. She met a well-established man compared to me a youngster then and starting to face the realities of life. She introduced the guy to me and said they were only friends that’s where our relationship started to melt down until I confirmed it that Ms. X is slowly by slowly letting me go but unofficially.
    I found a job for starters, trying to build up my own name, our relationship was bumpy that time. But during those times, I admit, I too was playful. She doesn’t have a clue at all on what is happening to me. She only cares about her career and her future and me along the side… that’s where I met my wife now along the way during our hard and very troublesome affair. My wife, girlfriend then, does not know I have another one and same with Ms. X. Ms. X doesn’t know also I have a GF not until my Wife (GF then) called her up. When she knew about Ms. X, she confronted her and told Ms. X, stay away from me and Ms. X did. But Ms. X and I, still see each other during those times and also, she sees the older guy too. I told Ms. X I will stop if she stops seeing the older guy but she lied to me…I stopped and she didn’t. I just did it because All Ms. X know is that she is still my girlfriend that time and because of her infidelity, I took revenge without her knowledge not until my wife , Gf then called her. My wife, GF then knew about Ms. X, How I suffered in our relationship and my wife is the person that consoled and stand up for me during my hard times…
    Days passed, Ms. X and I tried to patch our relationship but events and times does not meet and match up anymore not like before until she asked and confidently with pride that we end our relationship by returning each other’s things that hold very valuable to us. So we met up and I returned all her things (but not the one and only picture that holds very dear and important to me written at the back… ”til’ we get old we’ll be together”). In return, Ms. X did not return any of my things and said it was very valuable to her and cannot accept to lose me also. That will be the only memory of me to her…at the end cursed me that I will never be happy with another girl.
    After that, Ms. X still tried to make and patch back our relationship. We went out secretly and do some stuffs but later on I moved myself away from her slowly. But how can we start anew when the older guy whom I met and was introduced to me as a friend, in where our relationship was damaged, was still around Ms. X. if only she stop seeing the old guy maybe there was still a chance for us again…. Until I was surprised big time!!! They are getting married!!! Boom !!! The hardest part of it is that she left me very confusing when I learned she gave birth with her… OUR??? Eldest. Within 9 months, she got married, gave birth when during that time we were still seeing secretly with each other but I could not make a compromise to her in continuing our and returning back our relationship because my wife, GF then was really sacrificing all herself to me. So mathematically speaking it could have been my child in which she did not tell me at all and let the older guy take the responsibility because I didn’t want us to be together again. If she did told me, we could have been together but I am just assuming it without any facts that the child is really mine…I just based it in mathematically counting before she gave birth…. Surely Ms. X will only laugh now or tell me I’m fucking crazy, dreaming, making an illusion that it’s my child….
    From there, I too got married… time passed and I tried very hard.. Really very hard to ask her to end and put closure to us but is rejected .. with no reply..left me hanging…. Even if I try to forget Ms. X during the years, I end up meeting people that knew Ms. X very well and sometimes telling me..” So You’re the Guy”.. I am who? Is what I always ask without a clue why they always ask me…. Again tried many times to get in touch with Ms. X by all means to put CLOSURE, thru her friends, colleagues, facebook but rejected. Ms. X has no intention to put a closure to us and make me suffer emotionally and to my conscience.
    For 20 yrs now, Ms. X is living , hopefully, happy also as I am… I always tell to myself , we are not getting younger and need to make amends to people who is dear to us. But Ms. X, again does not like too…I want to forget her, but somehow…someway…. I always end up thinking of her…
    Maybe I still love her… Maybe I just want to make a closure…Maybe I just want her to feel happy for me as I am to her…..
    Apologies with my language and hoping someday, somehow, Ms. X will forgive me…
    Thanks
    # 4

  137. I am so glad for this post — it is 5 years old and still so incredibly relevant. My N/BPD “bestie/soulmate” (her love bombing words, NOT mine) and I have been in a journey, that’s for sure. It ended with some extraordinarily toxic s—, where she manufactured drama amongst four mutual friends and managed to pull me into the middle of it. Two of these friends are now in the midst of a domestic violence case and divorcing. They were already troubled, but it came to a head based on innuendo created by the N/BPD that made me some kind of pseudo-catalyst.

    All I ever wanted to do was help this N/BPD “friend” of mine, who I have known for a little over three years. She was so vibrant, colorful, interesting — and yet also so very emotionally troubled in a way that reminded me so much of my Dad. I guess my CoD came out hard; I thought maybe I could fix her. But I couldn’t and had to finally go NC because she truly went off the deep end.

    But you know what the experience DID fix?

    ME.

    I have never felt more empowered in my life than I do right now. I came from a family where Dad was an N/BPD and mom was some kind of Cluster B CoD with histrionics. Gaslighting was a daily endeavor; I felt like my brother and I were raised by wolves. I always thought it was all my fault they were so screwed up. My brother was lucky to get far enough away that they never visited him. Not so for me. And my mom’s abuse was so deep emotionally and spiritually (though never physical) that when she was diagnosed with cancer, she opted for no treatment. I’m convinced that she ultimately died of her own volition just to get away from him.

    This whole experience with my N/BPD “friend” has not only reframed my childhood, but several of the women who I dated from my late teens until the time I was married.

    It was my mistake to try to fix her. You can’t fix anyone, really. All you can do is be supportive and helpful if you can be; but you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

    I don’t think of this as a mistake in attempting to fix her; as MTE’s post says at the end, it was a fated thing whereby I was able to fix ME. I’m so pleased to say, as an empath, that I’m not broken anymore. Believe in yourself, survivors. It gets better. Make affirmations to your Self every day. I promise you that it will get better.

    Namaste

  138. I am trying to understand my ex. He was very loving and caring and gave me a lot of his attention and time which I returned. Things were easy and natural- that spark I’ve only read about (despite being married 12 years prior to this) We didn’t push things fast, and didn’t use the L word for several months. We had a huge fight he got a bit scary punching the wall and flipping furniture , I left told him to never come near me again. What followed was cards and letters, gifts, I love you, I’m so sorry, you know me, I’m not that guy… then I want to kill myself…then he improved and we were friends, we’d go see a movie every now and then. I took him back, he was promoted at work, we didn’t have a ton of time together. we looked at a house to rent in September that was available in November, he got hurt at work and saving the $1500 needed by that time became iffy, I have 3 kids and knew with Christmas around the corner it wouldn’t be smart to stretch anything in order to achieve this, so we said after Christmas. I spent the night at his place on his bday end of September and after that he began to get distant and not willing to make plans. He was back to work, said he was tired then depressed and disappointed about not being able to move next month. I tried to be supportive and encouraging, and not push him, after more time went that I hadn’t even seen him, I asked him what he wanted because I didn’t feel like his girlfriend at all, or the girl he needed and loved so badly 4 months prior. Again he said depressed- not himself. So I said it might help to actually spend some time with me, but nothing so I told him I would not have this illusional relationship. We still talked a few times a week, he said he needed time to figure things out- he didn’t know what he wanted. And so we didn’t really speak much, I’d text him – he’d say how busy he is and end it. I felt like he just wanted to draw me back in to hurt me. But I believed he was just depressed and needed time. I texted him happy thanksgiving- he didn’t respond. But he did deactivate me as a user on his Netflix. It bothered me that he obviously figured something out and didn’t feel he owed me an explanation! After a few days of this bothering me, I reached out saying if you found out something you don’t want anymore I think I deserve to know. Still no response. I decided i had to let go and wanted to give him the stuff back he left at my house, I was just going to leave it in his truck, or porch if he wasn’t home. He was in his truck. He gave me this “I didn’t respond cause I have nothing to say, I just don’t see anything for us right now. The original break up and aftermath eats at me, I thought I could get past it but I can’t” (my mom wasn’t thrilled with him and how he behaved- and he says he hates her but I think he’s embarrassed and ashamed to face her) he said he was finally doing better and in a good place. Then says after his injury he relapsed (suboxene- he was clean 3 years) and he was trying to ween off. I said goodbye- and the next day he changed his relationship status to in a relationship with this other girl since the end of October (pretty much when I said I wasn’t going to be in an illusional relationship) so drugs, a new girl he never felt the need to tell me about- and she shared a picture tagging him about finding true love fighting for it, and he’s so good to her. Now, he and I didn’t move that fast, I think it’s crazy they think they are this in love. Essentially he overlapped- keeping me on the back burner I suppose in case things didn’t work with the new girl (which no doubt they would, I hate to be mean but she’s a downgrade and has about 150 lbs on his 160llb self – I’m sure she devours and dishes out the need and want he obviously needs) what type of man is this?? Terribly sick? Narcissistic? Codependent? Love addict? I just feel frustrated and used and lied to, but is it a lie if he believes it at the time?

  139. I have recently been discarded by my narcissist and it was just as all the articles describe—- and it is so truly devastating. I honestly am so depressed and feel as though I will never ever get over this. I feel that short of getting a lobatamy– there is no way I can forget this person or ever go on without him in my life– I feel like I must be a massachist or something–
    My story is so bizarre over so many years of my life I guarantee you my story will blow your mind when you heard it– I guarantee you you will say this story takes the cake over any other you’ve heard.
    I’m 56– I met this person before my husband at age 24. He was married- told me he was separated. I fell madly in love with him–became pregnant- he wasn’t there for me–I didn’t want to have an abortion but did because I felt I had no choice– It killed me to do what I did- I should have hated him then– but I was so attracted to him and so in love with him —all I could think of was — I didn’t want him to hate me for trying to trap him or put him in a position he wasn’t ready to be in— I was so hurt after that experience -I moved on- devastated- met my husband- had 4 beautiful kids and was very happy for many years– until my husband and I separated due to him getting involved with drugs and blowing all our money- kids college $ etc—
    My biggest mistake was– after we were legally separated I looked up my prior Narcissist- 15 years later– he was divorced at that point and had had two kids— we met for lunch one day– and the attraction was exactly as it was the 1st time– I call him the attraction of my life—‘My Ideal Man’….
    Handsome- classy–reserved—–and Aloof—-yet the attraction was just always there between us— when our eyes meet—– it was like a chemistry of two magnets drawn together— Crazy attraction—- and that is what I value most — attraction. I was very very lucky to have found it in my husband as well–
    Because my whole life it has always been like impossible for me to find— so when I have found it – I felt it had to be God Ordained– Because it was like a miracle for me to find it— Anyway– this former love proceeded to see me and lead me on for seven years– but it was always on his terms– he only allowed it to be a secreative type relationship– saying he wanted to wait till our kids were older — and to just take it slow– so he led me on and got me accustomed to accept his shitty terms– saw me regularly every week to two weeks–
    Regularly— not many going out dates-
    But all about sex for him— and I truly adored this man– I would do anything for him—-Now I always knew I was a good looking girl— I won beauty pageants growing up and a lot of guys wanted to date me— but I was attracted to no one— accept for this one man!!! My narcissist who gave me attention— and the more I loved him—- the more he loved how much I loved him……It was like an addiction for both of us— the difference being— he was my only fix— but for him I’m pretty positive I was never his only ‘source’…..(as the articles describe)– in H.S. then ivy league college football scholarship— he was a hometown legend with his football fame–so I always knew he thought he was all that and a bag of chips— very entitled — Because quite honestly he IS the total package– Italian of coarse- really handsome– charming– went to a good college– had a decent job etc….. So the guy was in sure spoiled by many women
    His aloofness made him a chick magnet– but yet I loved him so much– I wanted him no matter what and I knew I was good enough for him—-and my mind was set—- I’m in this for the long haul—‘ he’s who I want and I’ll wait for him to be ready…..But after 7 years of giving my all- I then found out I had a precancerous brest situation of which once again he was not there for me—– he would say things always to give me hope that we would upgrade our relationship eventually- but after 7 years and I saw no upgrade— my husband was there for me when I was scared about the cancer and told me he wanted me to give him another chance— which I ended up doing- I had to break away from my Narcissist– Because the sadness and turmoil he made me feel was literally tearing me apart inside and making me sick internally !! I was a good person–a good woman– I had only been with a couple of men in my entire life— I wasn’t some slut-‘- yet that’s how he was treating me—- and I loved him so much I allowed it— Over those 7 years I had written him so many letters pouring my heart out to him—- and they were always saying the same things—-Just honestly telling him– her look–‘ I’m a really honest person–‘ I love you with all my heart-‘–
    But if you do not feel the same way about me— to please just let me go –so I can move on and find someone else that will LOVE me back the same—do not be with me if you don’t love me back and have serious intentions for me—– and every single time I would write those things to him—-HE ALWAYS would call me and want to see me……so I’m thinking– he must love me or he would be sending me on my merry way…(but that would only apply to if he was a normal- nice-good-and decent person which I now know Narcissists are the total opposite of ) !!!!! But back then I never knew there was something in the world known as Narcissists!!!!
    Anyway so after 7 years of his game I went back to my husband…..( very sad and confusing and complicated that ended up being— a whole other story I could say on that alone)—but my Narcissist I think was kind of shocked that I actually did it— in a way I did it because I did not want to love this monster anymore—-it was tearing me apart inside that he would not upgrade our relationship– after how much I had done for him — and him knowing how devouted and in love with him I was– I was really mad at him at my wits end and perhaps going back to my husband was my way of trying to protect myself– I actually really wanted to try to make it work with my husband because with him in bad had a REAL love and I wanted that back so badly— but unfortunately it was too complicated– I found out what the word ‘estranged’ meant — for that is how I felt— like it could never be the same between us again— Because the Narcissist bastardized what we had had- I loved my husband still but I could not feel that in love feeling again like I felt for the Narcissist—- I loved hugging my husband watching tv on the couch together— but it could never become more then that— I don’t know why– I could no longer kids him let alone have sex with him— Because I was still in love with the Narcissist— and I knew that was not fair to my husband— I wanted to love him again in that way because I knew he still loved me— but I couldnt— and that was so so horribly sad……especially because– just 3 years we had together again when he got small cell lung cancer and me and my children had to see him die a horrible horrible dealt H at the young age of 59 !!! It was devastating.
    But moving on with this bizarre Narrcissist story— a little after a year from my husband dying — I had reached out to my Narcissist AGAIN — round 3-
    Same story all over again a third time– He hadn’t remarried obviously…and had said he was in a relationship but it was not going well– he was gonna be breaking up with her– which I think he actually did–but then again he may never have- becuse he then proceeded to see me really regularly again like once a week– but again that’s all he could give me becuse— even tho his kids were out of college now— now he made it sound like him and his sister together were responsible for taking care of his 94 year old Dad and 93 year old step mom who also had alzheimers— so ‘his life was hectic-crazy- and not his own’ because of this situation——-So this last round 3 lasted 6 more years— and this time he gave me his clothes to iron to really make me feel special and confirm to my psyche that I am indeed his girlfriend now— I cooked for him….etc to help him,out since he dosnt cook and he loved it’—– and I just wanted to make him happy in every way possible and be the best girlfriend ……as always……and this time around he actually told me he loved me— which he had really never verbalized before— and it didn’t come easily—- but I think he felt he had to throw me a bone to keep this great gravy train going for him-‘–as he well knew he at this point had now consumed like 13 years of my life with me loving him –leading me on– always giving me the hope that we were gonna end up together—-when even on round 3- telling me if I could just hang in there thru this tough time with his parents— we’d get to having that REAL,relationship that I always wanted with him and that I so-earned and deserved !!!
    Well—-my 13-14 years of all my hopes and dreams of being the last girl standing with him —-i guess wont happen after all. I figured he has to end up with someone— so why not me-”’
    I love him more than anyone ever would unconditionally !!! But sadly— I found out recently all this obsessive weirdness of this relationship had a name called Narsissism— I knew something was totally not right about everything with our relationship— I just never knew what it was till I was recently discarded and heartbroken– obviously I searched out on the internet this wierd personality defect. I thought he was just someone with a big ego— who was commitment phobic and afraid of love—-but now seeing it’s so much more then that— an actual INABILITY to Love someone– or be able to feel guilt or true caring— to be absence of a conscience—- it’s like mind boggling to me—– but it all seems to fit the bill—- all the things wierd about him that normal people just don’t do— it explains it all.
    And do you know after all these years what caused him,to discard me ? Even tho last time I saw him in Sept everything was great……
    What made him stop calling me– and not answering my texts ????— Well I wrote him,a letter again only this time– it was deeper then any I ever wrote him before because it was very spiritual— you see I have several children who have struggled with heroin addiction– and that has been a whole nightmare I have delt with alone- my Narcissist would always be there to at least listen to me to hear of my struggles— but I’m sure he listened to me superficially— only because his listening and being a shoulder for me to cry on benefited him !!!! But in this letter I was telling him how I have been really reading the Bible reaching out to have a better relationship with Christ’ learning his word— I went on to tell him that I feel both him and I have been guilty of being “fake” Christians—– and that I want to be a better Christian and really live by God’s word. I told him,my children’s serious problems have forced me to take a good hard look at my life- is the way I am living my life pleading to
    God ??? I told him,the only sins I feel I am doing in my life — involve him– as the Bible says sex outside of marriage is a sin— but inside of marriage is a beautiful thing— He’s always known that I want to marry him— but I said something to the effect that I feel possibly like God is punishing me for my sins’– etc etc. That I feel God would dissapprove of “us” being together so intimately– when he is not respecting me—- and that I’ve always. Justified being with him because I Love him so much-” it can’t be a sin…..but if he’s not really loving me back the same- maybe it is a sin—– I want to be with only him– but I want to be married to him– those are some of the things I told him– then I went into why I’ve believed in,him for so long– that we were meant to be together—primarily because of how many times I had told him— if he didn’t love me and have serious intentions for a future with me—- to tell me the truth and let me go– to find it with whoever I was meant to be with——- and the fact that he never set me straight and let me go— so I could move on— to me that told me had to mean that HE DID indeed love me– or he never would have led me on for ALL THOSE YEARS !!!!! For in my mind–with the good heart that I have I cannot even fathom a human being being able to do this to another human being. especially for this length of time— I could never in a million years lead a person on.for a week let alone 13-14 years !!!!!
    So this was a book I know—- all I can say is at 56 I need antidepressants–or a labotamy—bit I don’t know how I am going to survive his silent treatment goodbye—— I’ve called him out—- he does not even want to talk to me. or have to be accountable for his lies or his actions for all these years! I’m devastated–‘—but yet I know it’s my own fault—– I never should have accepted so little from him——I know what a good and true person I am– I was good to him and certainly did not deserve this. I know I have to accept it and move on– but at this age I just dont think I can.
    I couldn’t find men I was attracted to in my 20’s so I know the chances of me finding another one at this age is slim to none— and I can’t be with someone I’m not attracted to ……so …..I’m. F–k’d !!!
    I have nothing to look forward to– thats how I feel. I’m happy that i want to be a better-true Christian—‘ but now I’m just more depressed and lonely and I know I have to just TRUST that God will bring me through this — that he had a purpose and a reason—- and that he has something better waiting for me…..
    I have to believe that !!!!!! But for now I just feel lost and sad everyday—-He is ingrained in my Psyche so deep…..
    I just can’t believe he didn’t love me – I really thought he loved me in his own wierd way…. Its so uncomprehendable
    I’m so devastated. I can not believe after how physically and emotionally close we have been – especially over these past 5-6 years..but. since he read that last letter – he has not called me– He has not answerd or returned the few calls I had made to him- nor the couple of texts I sent he won’t even reply– and the last time I saw him in Oct everything was fine- we never fought–in fact in one of our last texts from October- it was – I miss you- and I miss you too!! Nothing was wrong- everything was fine— he obviously didn’t like the things I wrote about in that letter— but it certainly should not have caused him to have that drastic a reaction to just turn his back on me and not even allow me to talk to him about it– it’s absolutely nuts!!! I was talking about looking at my sins– our sins – and wanting to follow God’s word and be a better Christian–
    I basicly told him– I’ve been the most patient woman in the world and he knows it–he knows me inside and out after all these years– he knows what a good sweet devouted woman I am and that I would do anything for him–I was good to him–&-that he has always known how much I love him and he has always encouraged me to hang in there till x y and z when he would be then ready to have the “real” relationship I have always wanted to have with him– so in a way I was calling him out and expecting accountability. He’s a Christian– so I thought talking about getting closer to Christ and working on being better Christians would be something he would think would be a good idea— but maybe he must just be the devils spawn…..and dosnt want to feel the guilt of the truth of what he’s done to me—- knowingly and purposefully—for all those years of my life and obviously it was all a lie—and nothing but a fun ego game for him at my expense!! It’s so hearttless and disgusting to realize what’s he done to me– this person I thought I knew– that I love so much. He’s consumed every hope and dream I had for myself for the rest of my life for years— only to find out it was all just an illusion!!!! And that I really have nothing at all-
    I’m totally alone– when I was so positive for so long that we would end up together…..
    But obviously— after all these years of leading me on and him loving how much I always loved him— he finally is done playing with me and wants to call it game over- by just pulling the plug— no goodbye– no explanation—— I texted him that I deserve for him to talk to me and tell me what the hell happened——but nope—- no reply…….
    He can just simply walk away from me like I didn’t mean a thing to him after all those years of my life !! It’s simply unbelievable to me that a human being could have no heart and no conscience whatsoever—-
    So honestly I try to tell myself this is what that scripture in the Bible is talking about– That darkness and light should not be unequally yoked together—– anotherwards if you truly love Jesus and are a real Christian and want to live by God’s word— you should not be with someone who is following the Devil !!!! Someone cruel with no heart – soul or conscience— like this person surely is not the light-‘ but with the darkness—- thus I am not supposed to be with him!!!! It’s just that when you love someone that much—you don’t want that to be true—-!! I’m so devastated and I hope God will help my pain to ease…
    It’s horrible this despair I feel …..

  140. Melanie my dear thank you. youve taken this abuse i’ve has going on for 2 years minimum with depression mental torture and i was trying to understand the unhealed parts of myself and the inner lessons from this situation. You ve made it more clear to me i certainly ha enough of a round of 9 years of terrible first dates or abuse and hardly any relationship to realise i didn’t consider myself worthy but with years of not feeling there my soul is at the point now where ive had enough and i will not accept anything verbal comment or treatment from any boy man that i feel is not syncing with me and im ready to be alone then with someone that’s not interested in making me happy or to use me n other girls. beautiful article you made me feel more aligned with the purpose n meaning of this lesson from the divine thank you

  141. It is important to note that narcissists are unable to offer repair or closure, due to the way they are structured in a neurobiological sense. Narcissists are created in abusive, reverse self-object relationships with their parents. The narcissistic injury of their original attachment relationship, causes them to develop a self structure that is fundamentally disordered and does not allow them to undertaken any self reflection or ownership of their relational experiences. It is very difficult for people who are wired in relationally healthy ways, to understand the fundamental inability narcissists have to be in relationship of any kind. It is never relational, it just looks like it is, so long as the narcissist is attempting to get their needs met by you. It takes time to adjust your understanding to realise that narcissism is a form of mental illness, a self disorder, a neurobiological deformity. Expecting them to offer repair or be able to engage in normal relational processes is completely pointless, as they do not have the basic structures to do so.

  142. I contacted Dr.mack to help me bring back the mother of my 2 kids and fortunately, everything was successful! Kathy is back now and I’m so glad our 2 kids got to see there mother again. Now we’re better than ever. Dr. Mack really worked for and he has been very helpful, and I can’t believe it worked so well! I’m honestly, still in shock! 🙂 If you feel like your relationship is broken and you need help contact him .. dr.mac@yahoo. com !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  143. I and my husband have been married for 13 years now with three lovely kids. I met my husband when he had nothing. But a year later God blessed him financially and he started acting strange, hanging out with strange women, committing all sort of atrocity, fighting and doing different awful act.. we were always having issues, he came to a conclusion by packing his things out of the house and we had to live in different area, despite all this i was looking for a way to re_unite with my husband, i wanted us to live with love and peace, i had no way of doing it myself alone, i tried many ways nothing worked until i met Dr.Mack who was able to bring my husband back home, Dr.mack used hi magical powers to restore my marriage, and after some days i started to see great changes and a positive results, My husband became lovely and sweet, he took me out for a dinner….we came back together again and we are happy living fine and healthy, with Dr.Mack all my dream came through in re_uniting my marriage, friends in case you need the help of Dr.Mack kindly mail him on Dr_mack@yahoo. com
    Italy

  144. this is probably the hardest type of life experience i have ever had to deal with . i had a NORMAL relationship that ended with such heartache i almost starved myself to death . it seemed life was useless ,in confiding in my sister – her advice was to learn to love myself – i had no clue how – decided to not date and work on myself – finally i felt strong again and decided to start dating again after two years — WELL ! this is when i met the narcissist – mind you i didnt even know what that was , a police officer ,confident , ect . first date went well (he came to my house _we lived three hours apart) we text every night -between both our jobs -finding time was a challenge . a month later i went to his house . i was in what i call his lions den – started out romantic and sweet but the red flags started -sent me home with a note in my purse saying we i was a good hearted person but we had no chemistry – i didnt find the note till i got home -i was upset but i sent him a text – it was a pleasure to meet him and sorry things didnt work out — WELL that was all it took –he started texting again – it was probably about three months before we got back together ,but i seemed so much better – we would go places together ,do things then all of a sudden (at least that what i thought ) about into this relationship – we went out to dinner (walked to the restaurant –first time actually holding hands the time ) half way to the motel he made a remark –” do you know what my favorite four letter was is ” i was waiting for him to say LOVE —OOOOHHH NO — the word was NEXT -the next woman —- i left in the morning with all intention to have nothing more to do with him – several months later he got back in touch with me and of course he said he didnt mean it the way i took it and we started seeing each other again – but this kept going on back and forth – we seen each other every weekend in the beginning – went to once a month – to once three months – to once six months this went on for six years and of course there was a lot of great times that always ended with blame or silence – sorry im going into a long post and i could write a book if i went into all details -i would always ask why are you bothering me – its been a month now – he even told me this time he had three girlfriends – but in the mist of me telling him to just leave me alone — he FINALLY said ok i wont talk to you anymore ———– MY QUESTION IS ——- WILL HE TRUELY LEAVE ME ALONE ?
    getting over the heartbreak seems to be a easier healing process then leaving this narcissist and i dont understand

  145. its been a month now — why am i missing him and my fear is i will go back — i dont believe im a victim ,i always had a choose to stay away – and i know i could never trust him – i dont understand why i still want him

  146. Closure doesn’t have to be about apology. It can be something as simple as a goodbye hug.
    And no, narcissists, male or female WILL not agree even to this Simple, yet meaningful gesture..

  147. My family was crazy. Simple as that. Mom always cut me down while praising her good-for-nothing favorite son. She died in 1993 and I am still angry that I did not have the guts to tell her off before she died, now I feel I’ll have no closure with that. I did just finally end it with another brother, a criminal, a user, a sociopath, who looked me up after years of no contact, assuming as usual that I’m an idiot an he could get something from me. I told him I’m not about to jeopardize a security clearance to have any relationship with him, a wanted fugitive, and all he could do was play the, “Gee, thanks sis” guilt trip. I am itching to tell him off in a very long letter but people say it won’t help. I want to be done with this family, I’m 52 and still have nightmares over things. I do see a cognitive therapist every month but just want to throw a fit and let him have it. This article helped me to rethink wasting my time on him.

    1. Hi Carol,

      it is so true that the resolution and closure of our inner trauma don’t come from others – even if we did get to have “that say”. It only comes from the deep healing of our inner trauma – which can only take place between us and ourselves.

      I’d love you to connect to my free resources: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse.

      It will start to unravel it for you and grant you the answers you need.

      Mel xo

  148. “When we recover from narcissistic abuse truly all of the illusions that something or someone outside of us is responsible for our state of self are released – because at True Self level anything or anyone else is ABSOLUTELY NOT responsible for us.

    Your True Closure is this:

    What happened was meant to be for very important reasons….”

    There is a lot of truth in what you write and it is a great help in many ways, BUT the portion encapsulated above is maddening. You describe letting go of the illusion that someone or something greater than ourselves is responsible for our state but repeat the assertion that “everything happens for a reason.” It can’t be both. You can’t have that both ways. In the metaphysical sense, the damage done by my narcissist ex-wife was not done “for a reason.” There is no greater plan mapped out somewhere that my pain serves. The only “reason” it happened is because of her condition. The sooner I accepted that it wasn’t part of some greater plan, that it didn’t happen for a reason, the sooner I was able to take control of my own life. THAT is where freedom lies, not in consoling myself with the belief that “everything happens for a reason.” There was no reason. I didn’t deserve what she did. I did deserve better. Our children deserved better. But in a world where no one is watching out for us from on high or anywhere else, things such as these will happen. People will victimize others. We shouldn’t expect it to be any different. And knowing that gives the freedom to shake off the shackles of believing that somewhere, somehow it all makes sense, that there is a reason for our suffering. There isn’t. Period.

    This has been brought home to me once more in a stark manner lately. Because we do have children together-though they are now adults-I still have an awareness of what is going on with my ex-wife and occasional interactions with her, even though I would rather not. She recently left her 3rd husband (I was the 1st. We were married for almost 26 years. She has squeezed in 2 more failed marriages in the 8 years since.). He subsequently died (perhaps from an overdose. That is uncertain.). I have seen her milk this for sympathy, going on about how hard it was to bury the man she loved, when in reality she had already moved out and already taken another lover. It reminded me of just how deep her pathology is. At one point I did get many tears and an apology from her but at that time I had no doubt that the tears were for herself and the apology was simply a plea for me to rescue her from the ashes of her second failed marriage. I refused. I knew it wasn’t genuine. She is incapable of genuine. And there is no greater plan served, no “reason” why it all happened. The sooner I reconciled myself to that fact, the sooner I was able to stop insisting that there would someday be a reckoning, that the scales would balance. They don’t balance. Ever. And realizing THAT is the road forward, not rationalizing that it all happened “for a reason.”

  149. Hello to all.

    And here i am coping with this situation.

    It’s been a week after a disastrous brake up where i was withdrawn to be the bad guy and the ugly human being, telling her all of this insults ( i have never done this to anyone, i have never was the worst of my self)….

    I knew that she cheated on me before this year and during this phone call that she was in Chicago with a complete team of UPS ready team, she was coming out from a different room on a different floor that i knew she didn’t suppose to.
    As always, her explanations were vicious non sense, gas lighting and her best… i was feeling so bad here in Indianapolis just wondering and feeling powerless, help less. so loyal to her.
    While being on a phone call, while she was coming out of the elevator, she tell this guy i’ll be back… then after that she turns her cellphone for an hour, she calls back and all her hair undone, telling me that i was wrong what i saw and hear.
    Anyhow, all night i call her telling her that i was going to go to the hotel to talk to her and confront this guy next morning. When i got there she change room and told reception that she did’t want to see me. She never responded again and i had to return to Indianapolis…. I did it finally felling obliterated, shattered and trying to understand everything,,,, until today i don’t know what happen. yesterday i went to return of f her gift as a way of closure, the FOB key that i had was disable and what i did was to call her on private, she didn’t pick up and i sent her a text …

    I want to send you back all of the stuff you gave me along with the scarf you left in my car and the set of keys from your apartment. ( as part of the exercises given to me by the therapist). I was the one who call you on private, just to let you know that. I don’t ever want you near me, around or such… i am sorry because i didn’t close this the way i suppose to (in any case i am glad is over). i want to thank you as well because i trusted you a lot of things of my self, i know you will understand that mom and some people depend on me and that you wouldn’t hurt that.
    you will always find an educated person, nothing less or more. in the coming days you’ll have your cards and stone you gave me.
    Hope everything is going well with you. As of me, with God, family and therapist i am returning to be a better myself again.
    Bye.

    She is 42 y am 35.
    She told me one time i would rather be with my friends if we you don’t want to pay for my dinner. – I am Latino and we understand very well of how to be a gentleman and as well the american culture that sometimes is ok to pay separately if requested without creating an emotional challenge in the other person. (more if you are not merry or really committed.) – i did it just to see how she would react.
    She always wanted an specific time – No room for spontaneity … like an agenda.
    She told me that i need it psychological help.
    She couldn’t explain more than 3 times in less than 3 months more than a few situations.
    She was e mailing guys from Match and she told me never saw them in person.
    She was getting mad every time i was confronting her.
    yes i had my challenges as every human being, i always consider my self a person with a psychological toughness. i star dating this women after two years of taking care of mom because she had a brain stroke ( i didn’t have time, heart or anything for someone else— i was dedicated to mom and still i am).

    I am a successful guy, fit, attractive, spiritual, romantic passionate,and very dedicated when it comes to relationships… i still think i am very confident. BUT, i would never thought that even doing the right things i was going to brake the way i did…

    After reading a ton of articles, listen to music, talk to a friend i am writing this to acknowledge that no matter how we were blown and blasted into pieces, we all are going to be rebuilt as never before…

    Love, there is love inside of YOU and it will be awake, will rise straight to a beauty that never we saw before in ourselves.

    1. OMG Marel you are too funny! You ARE the narcissist!! I felt SO bad for that poor woman you traumatized (see I know you and you told me all about her, I watched the drama unfold online–and now i see this old post and i just have to laugh!) So many freaking lies from you! So much gaslighting and twisting of words and situations. I know you think you’re smart but you are just evil, cold and empty. You have those cold reptilian eyes that give you away! I’m SO SO glad Christina got away from you! Hope you rot!

  150. I’ve went to almost losing my life and freedom on a high speed with the guy i’ve been dealing with for almost about two years , waking up from a real bad seizure to about 5 or 6 guns pointed to my head , having to fight other females about this guy ( whom i had known known nothing about until after i first started messing with him , almost getting hit by a car by one of them while i had my sister’s daughter with me to almost going to jail on my job by the same woman that tried to me with her car .. Its ridiculous to the point its so much to type forreal , i just thank god everyday that i’m still here and breathing but i got to leave him alone and let the guy that i was messing with go .. I’ll tell the whole story if you want me to ..

    1. Hi Alysica,

      Please for your sake pull away and heal.

      Doing so is really about discovering what wounds and unmet needs of ours are playing out with these people.

      Your case clearly is dangerous and truly I would much rather help you heal Alysica that hear the fully story.

      The first step of unravelling this and getting clarity and strength can be here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  151. I’m just out of a 3 and half year relationship with my ex narc. Over the last two years of the relationship I was trying to make sense of what was going on through research but didn’t want to believe it or doubted myself. About six months into the relationship the cracks started to show. If I brought up something that he did or said that was hurtful he would turn it on me saying I was bringing problems to the relationship would rage, leave my apartment and not contact me for days sometimes weeks. I would frantically panic, ringing him or go out looking for him, trying to explain to him to see what he was doing was wrong but he managed to brainwash me making me believe it was my fault and i would apologise and he would come back. This happened over and over again almost monthly. He would always put the blame on me for everything. He bought me books to help ‘fix’ me and organised couple counselling where I felt unheard and made himself look like a ‘savior’ (once called himself this) and that I was the one with issues.If I ever tried to speak up he would bulldoze over everything i said and he charmed and manipulated the counselor into thinking I was the problem. He honestly made me believe there was something wrong with me and I would try everything to ‘fix’ me. I lost my voice, my identity and any sense of reality. The abuse got worse and became more frequent. Since the start he would triangulate me with a female friend who lived abroad. A friend he spoke alot about since the start saying she was his best mate and tell me he would get calls from her at 2am in the mornings just to say hi.I never let this bother me and truly believed she was just a good friend. When I did meet her she was rude and would snigger with her friends in front of me and would mimic me saying insults to me with my ex right there beside me and he said it never happened even though he was there beside me. I would find deleted conversations between them and when he went out with few mates one night including this girl, he never came home that night as planned. And made excuses and stupidly I believed it all. If we were out with his mates and he seen me enjoying myself he would stare at me like he despised me and would want us leave early and would try to fight with me when we got home. I could never understand it. We went to his friends wedding this summer and I was really enjoying myself and he was being really nice to me in front of everyone telling everyone there I changed his life and he wanted to marry me etc but then after the dinner we went to the bar alone to get drinks. He seen I was happy and enjoying myself and turned to me and said ‘nobody wants you here now fuck off’.I begged with him to please dont do this trying to hold back my tears, then the brother of the bride walked in and my ex started shouting at me ‘your crazy etc’. I was shocked and shaken and lost for words I didnt know what to do. The wedding venue was in the middle of no where, there was only his friends at it. I never felt so alone or vulnerable. I picked up my purse an quietly walked out of the venue and sat on a bench under a tree distraught i couldn’t stop crying i knew that this was not okay. I rang me sister and she drove 2 and half hours to come pick me up. Even after this I took him back couple weeks later but it never stopped.He never sees what he does as morally wrong not matter how much i explained it to him only getting myself more distraught. At this stage I was in therapy for myself and it was the best thing I ever did. I wasn’t going crazy and I wasn’t the problem. I know now there is no changing in these ppl no matter what they say to you , they will never change. The only thing I can change is myself. I’ve got to a stage where i see him for exactly who he is and i can never be fooled again not matter all the hoovering he is trying its not working.I have never felt as strong as i do today and i know I’ve more healing to do to never let it happen again. I really appreciate the awareness of this as it helped me get to where I am today and the support from here too xx

  152. I found this truly inspiring, Melanie…thanks for your wise words.

    With that said, I find myself in a bit of a problem lately. I’ve been married to my husband almost 12 years now. I had no idea that he was still in love with an ex-girlfriend until this year.
    He dated her when they were both in high school, more than 30 years ago. She broke up with him after high school and according to his mom, he was distraught. I knew the story (he told me while we were dating) but I thought he was over her.

    Well, over these last few months, I’ve come to realize that he still has feelings for this person.
    He feels that he needs “closure” from her. There have been other issues in our marriage at times in the past (I suspected infidelity on his part, as well as times where he didn’t consider my feelings on certain matters).
    But this situation with the high school sweetheart bothers me. I don’t know if he has met with her or talked to her…she lives far away.
    Chances are, he won’t admit to anything.

    I might sound jealous and insecure (I am not). It’s just that I need advice on this.
    It hurts to be married this long and discover that my husband loves a woman from his past, and still wants “closure” (which I can only take to mean that he hopes to rekindle a sexual/romantic relationship with her). They had a sexual relationship in high school that was hot and heavy, and I know that some men hold onto memories like that, even if the girl broke his heart.

    I had relationships with TWO narcissists before I met him, and now I wonder if he could be one as well.
    I don’t think so, for the most part…but now I’m feeling all these emotions about it.
    He has become extremely distant and aloof towards me. We sit at home and he will hardly talk to me or look at me. He seems to be irritated by my presence, except when he wants to have sex or wants me to bring things to him or ask me if I want to watch TV.
    He has become highly sexual with me again, after several years of not wanting sex with me at all.
    That part of our relationship is OK again, but it’s the emotional part that bothers me. This weird distant behavior with the silent treatment is starting to piss me off. It also worries me, because I don’t know what to think.
    I don’t know if there is somebody else (maybe at work?) Or if this high school girlfriend has been communicating with him online somehow, and he wants to reconnect with her?

    I feel confused, lost, hurt, angry, and betrayed on some level.
    We don’t have children (because HE decided that he wants to be “childfree” although I never agreed to it). I’ve sacrificed so many dreams for a husband that doesn’t care what I want, and still pines for a woman who never loved him.
    I don’t know if the ex-girlfriend is a narcissist, but I do believe that closure comes from within (speaking from experience).
    Closure comes from accepting that a relationship is finally over, and making peace with that.

    The other person may have hurt us, but we have to work on healing ourselves, as unfair as it may seem. I told my husband that…he shouldn’t expect anything from the ex-girlfriend after all this time.
    She moved on in 1988, and this is now 2021. He is married (to me) and she has been married for many years with kids of her own.
    She might not have realized how deeply the breakup affected him decades later, but it is his responsibility to find closure in a healthy way…not hers.

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