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I loved sharing with you last weekโ€™s article about Narcissists and Epigenetics.

And the reason is: because I am very excited about our possibilities for a new world.

I am excited about what can be done, and how we can do it differently to what has proven to not work in our past.

I placed a post on Facebook yesterday from talkamen.com ย โ€“ that I screamed โ€œYesโ€ to when I saw it.

This is the post: Everyone wants to change the world but few are willing to change themselves.

I know how relevant this is to what we have all been playing out with each other โ€“ narcissists included.

We were all brought up under the pretence that if someone or something could change, then our own life could change and become fulfilling.

That is conditional living, and in so many ways that premise doesnโ€™t hold up.

I really just want to be straight to the point here. I know we were all mesmerised to think differently, and those illusions we have been programmed with are very powerful โ€“ yet if you think about these points you will see, not only how obvious they are, but also howย they have demonstrated as absolute truth in your life.

1) No-one ever changed their behaviour because someone else believed they should.

2) Everyone is acting in a specific way that they believe is justified given their own emotional background.

3) When someone is forced against their will to reform they will defend their position even more strongly.

4) Overloaded and burgeoning jails, courthouses and duplicitous and questionable legal results let us know that something is not working in our system regarding trying to hold people accountable.

What our new science and spirituality model is waking us up to is:

1) Prior subconscious programming is what creates people โ€œthe way they areโ€. Therefore reform needs to be aboutย changing belief systems rather than trying to hold people accountable and punishing them.

2) People’s beliefs don’tย change regardless of what โ€œoutside forcesโ€ we try to inflict on them.

3) Unless there is re-programming, through purposeful inner work or a spiritually reforming โ€œHigher Powerโ€ experience, this person will always default back to โ€œthe way they areโ€.

4) We cannot force someone through our own statements of horror, pain, guilt inducing, lecturing, prescribing, pleading, coercing, โ€œlovingโ€ or any other form of โ€œenablingโ€ to change โ€“ if they donโ€™t want to change.

5) “Enablingโ€ never works because it grants people a distraction from true cause and effect (consequences) and grants them the alibi of pushing back, receiving energy and having aspects of their life maintained for them whilst they live out their dysfunctions.

6) People only reform when people stop enabling them, stop granting them energy and allow them to face true consequences of their actions which, without enabling, would cause their present life to no longer be sustainable.

 

The Deal That All of Us Lived and Knew With Narcissists

Let me paint this following scenario for you โ€“ itโ€™s a very familiar scenario.

Leslie is a narcissist. She has been in a relationship with Paul for two years. She gambles, smears Paul behind his back, constantly seeks attention from other men as narcissistic supply and incessantly accuses Paul of having affairs behind her back.

Paul is hooked. He is trying to reason, convince, console and help her realise that he does love her, and that he is faithful and is committed and loyal. Paul fixed up Leslieโ€™s credit cards a few months into the relationship, because they bought a home together and he wanted a clean slate. Since then he has paid up her fines and debt on three separate occasions.

Paul is forever explaining the fundamentals of trust between two people in love that any mature adult should just โ€œgetโ€. It doesnโ€™t matter how many times he feels he has broken through as a resolution with her, the next day it is like that โ€œsaneโ€ conversation never happened.

Leslie is not learning the consequences of her behaviour. What she has learnt is the more she rants, raves and accuses, the more consoling and confirmation of her attractiveness she gets from Paul.

She has also learnt that if she does gamble away her paycheck, or not give a crap about going to a parking meter because she is running late, that Paul will fix up the mess, and there will still be a roof over her head, a meal on the table and the mortgage will get paid.

And of course she is not going to learn, take responsibility and heal beyond her behaviour โ€“ because she does NOT have to.

No matter how desperately Paul wants her to change โ€“ what he needs to do is change himself for there to be any change in his life.

But, he isnโ€™t changing himself.

So โ€ฆ things get worse, Leslie acts out more, Paul gets hooked in harder. The more he tries to control her the more he is controlled by her, and the sicker Paul becomes. Then six months later Leslie leaves him for a man richer than himself, and she is now going for the house that Paul and her bought together (with Paulโ€™s money of course). What adds insult to injury is Leslie doesnโ€™t have to pay any legal bills, because her new partner is a lawyer!

Now, Paul is no longer playing the role of the protector, fixer, nurturer โ€ฆ he is under siege from a woman who surmises that Paul has been abusing her with constant affairs. She is relentless and Paul is devastated, shocked, and intensely victimised โ€ฆ

We can imagine how he is feeling, and what heย is saying. Paul has found an on-line Group, discovered she is a narcissist and is sharing his story full of his pain and devastation and her insane, cruel betrayal.

Now โ€ฆ this is the BIGGEST message โ€“ this is the biggest deal โ€ฆ what I am about to say โ€ฆ

We can all (and we did) jump up and down and scream โ€œHow dare he/ she?โ€ โ€œHow can he / she do that to me?โ€ โ€œAfter all Iโ€™ve done for this relationship this person is a monster!โ€… and โ€œHow dare he / she betray me, have affairs on me, rip me off etc. etc.โ€

BUT โ€ฆ and itโ€™s big โ€“ we havenโ€™t realised the truth when we are stuck in this.

The truth is this: What we accept in our life we will get dished up โ€“ period.

Itโ€™s called poor boundary function and lack of self-love, self-deservedness and the struggling to be responsible for our own wellbeing. It’s co-dependency.

When we point the finger, scream and play victim โ€“ we are powerless โ€ฆ and this is the other big deal โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ NOTHING changes.

We are powerless to change the narcissist, and we are powerless to change the person who we most need to change โ€“ ourself.

It was never about changing the narcissist โ€“ and that was something we never had the power to do anyway. The only person who could ever change the narcissist is the narcissist โ€“ and that is NOT our concern.

Now letโ€™s get the focus where it needs to be โ€ฆ on โ€œselfโ€.

 

The Change Within Ourselves

Getting back to Paul โ€ฆ

He couldnโ€™t change Leslie โ€“ that was impossible. But if he changes himself his world will change. It will be a different frequency โ€“ a different level. He will embody self-love, deservedness and boundaries.

He will realise Leslie was NOT his abuser โ€“ she was his messenger.

She showed him what he had never healed in himself โ€“ the ways he was not showing up in life authentically, not honouring himself, the ways he was dangerously handing power over โ€“ and quite frankly giving to get.

Paul was playing out with Leslie what we all were unconsciously โ€“ trying to appease another so that they could supply us with the emotions, love and life we were not taking responsibility to supply for ourselves.

We didn’t know at the time we were doing this, and for many of us it took narcissistic abuse experiences to awaken and find out.

This is not exonerating Leslie in any way โ€“ she is a narcissist, sick and tormented. Not a healthy person to have a relationship with by any stretch of the imagination โ€“ but for Paul โ€“ the questionย was: โ€œWhy did I draw her into my life and co-generate this experience with her?โ€

Because within all of that VERY honest self-enquiry and self-development Paulโ€™s power is brought back to himself. Andย here lies Paulโ€™s emancipation from not just the pattern of abusive relationships but also his original unconscious wounds that set this up for him in the first place.

Fortunately this story takes on an evolutionary turn โ€ฆ

Paul took on self-partnering and the commitment to evolve himself as a result of this experience.

He did this because he knew the only way to change his life was to change himself.

Once he started living that path he realised people who had been taking advantage of him and not respecting him were now raising to meet his level, or they were leaving his experience to make way for people who did meet his vibration.

Leslie did not have the ability to become โ€œconsciousโ€, and she certainly didnโ€™t want to โ€“ that was not her self-development goal at all โ€ฆ so it was no deal with her.

Yet, people whoย Paul worked with and his family members started having direction from Paul. He was honest with them, he would say โ€œNoโ€ if something didnโ€™t feel right for him, and he also starting asking for what he needed. These relationships changed from people not feeling connected to Paul, to wanting to give more to him genuinely. He became more real, attractive and more โ€œvisibleโ€ to these people.

In his new solid embodied emotional reality of self-love and deservedness, Paul gave up his old victimised beliefs. He knew he was the generative source of his own experience. He knew that his boundaries, life, love and wellbeing was NEVER dependent on one specific person supplying him with itย …ย he knew he was.

Paul made the full commitment in his future to speak up when necessary; to lay boundaries and have limits โ€“ and mere words that didnโ€™t follow with solid action would no longer be acceptable.

This is another lesson we learn when we take on the radical responsibility of our mission of empowering ourselves โ€“ย we know that words are cheap and actions speak volumes.

What we learn is: authenticity is king.

This starts with us being honest about how we feel, what we need and what is or isnโ€™t okay with us. And we diligently clean up the inner emotional wounds that were trapped in our inner programming which used to stop us doing that โ€“ the fear of rejection, abandonment, criticism or punishment.

And then we know we WILL receive the answers from people that allow us to transparently see who is or isnโ€™t with us in truth, love and wholesomeness.

All because we became honest โ€ฆ we were finally honest with our own insecurities enough to want to heal them โ€“ and then we could finally showย up honestly to others. From our own journey of self-honesty we know that no-one gets better or changes unless they are 100% honest and humble regarding theirย own insecurities.

Because if we hadnโ€™t become totally self-honest and looked inwards we would not have started healing โ€ฆ and we realise that all unwholesome and unconscious behaviour is caused by wounds, by insecurities, just as we had inner wounds that caused us to NOT show up honestly.

We realise that anyoneโ€™s mere words without an honest self-disclosure and humility means they cannot and will not reprogram their inner wounds, change their behaviour or let in a profound Higher Power that can heal them.

And we stop taking it all so personally.

We know that we canโ€™t make people face and deal with their inner wounds if they have no desire to. If they are still unconscious that that is their trip. So, with compassion we let go and allow them to play it out, because the only responsibility and right is our side of the fence.

Here is a profound truth โ€ฆ

You have to lead the way.

People in your life experience cannot and will not show up as authentic until you become a generative model of committing to that lifeforce yourself.

It was never about โ€œthemโ€ โ€“ it has always been about โ€œyouโ€.

As Paul discovered, yes there were casualties and he had to pay a price โ€“ he had to pay her out of the house. But he discovered that the price for the lesson was completely worth it, because it catapulted him into another way of being โ€“ a completely different and more evolved life.

 

Why is Narcissism Rife On Our Planet?

There are three main reasons โ€ฆ

1) Because our world is uneducated about the necessary programming for children to become heathy, whole and emotionally solid adults, and

2) Because there are so many people enabling abusers to be abusers, and

3) Because we were taught the powerless victim model โ€“ to put all the blame back on abusers instead of doing the two things that are paramount to change our world from the dynamics of abuse /abused.

These are the ONLY two ways we will ever transcend abuse / abused.

1) Develop ourselves enough to stop enabling and feeding energy to abusers. Which means letting go, creating healthy boundaries, detoxifying ourselves of all the pain, blame and fear that keeps us hooked in and handing over any physical or emotional energy. And doing this simultaneously with our mission to expand our own consciousness โ€“ to become wiser, more empowered and solid human beings.

And then:

2) Living and teaching a higher consciousness by example, especially to our young children in their impactful, vulnerable, learning stage where everything is accepted deep into their psyche as โ€œtruthโ€ (up to around 7 years of age).

Iโ€™m really passionate about this โ€ฆ and this is why I am so active about trying to heal people past the illusions of the victim model โ€“ because I see so clearly how not only is it not stopping narcissists, it is also cementing the problem deeper.

It means that people are even further away from creating the two above necessary steps to heal themselves and our world.

 

More About Childhood Programming

One of the greatest mistakes is to think that you are going to have the emotional solidness to be a more conscious parent unless you have worked on your own consciousness.

As a parent I learnt so much โ€“ it was impossible to impart what I had not yet embodied, because weย can never lead people where we are not going ourselves.

The truth is: all of us are products of the unconscious parenting we received and the wounds we took on from our parents as our own.

What you will find profoundly is: when you begin working on your own consciousness as your first and most important mission (because your entire life emanates from that foundation) your parenting naturally improves. As does the emotional empowerment levels of your children โ€ฆ and much of this happens organically.

The more whole, at peace and โ€œfullโ€ you feel in your own life as a result of letting go of outdated wounds, the more ability you have to love and accept yourself and let go of trying to control people and things that you canโ€™t control. Then the more and more you are capable of letting go of holding people and things outside of you responsible for your life.

You stop handing your power over and start filling with and generating life from your own personal authentic power.

As a result, anxiousness, fear and dread start to melt away from your outer life and your inner being.

Then you start showing up from a much cleaner emotional space. You start being honest and transparent โ€“ and from this comes great insight, love and connection with your children. It also invites them to show up without fear in honesty with you โ€“ knowing you will validate, support and guide them instead of attempting to prescribe, criticise and control.

For the purpose of this article I want to explain to you the scientific reality that we now know about childhood programming.

Prior to justย recently, we did not know the truth โ€“ we were clueless. In fact we thought that how children were treated emotionally was a really low priority. We thought that practical survival, physically not abusing them, educating and granting opportunities were key for them to have a great life.

This was the Newtonian model โ€“ that the predisposed genes of a newborn were on an already set trajectory, and practical supplements were all that could help the positives of the child come to fruition.

Through studies we now know how important the childโ€™s environment is, and this means the emotional contribution of the parents.

Indigenous societies knew what we are now discovering โ€“ that the parentโ€™s influence starts to take place even before birth – that the consciousness of the parents at conception impacts the childโ€™s brain development. This is why these societies had periods of emotional, mental and physical cleansing before creating another human lifeform.

As Bruce Lipton writes in his book The Biology Of Belief,ย โ€œThe foetal and infant nervous system has vast sensory and learning capabilities and a kind of memory that neuroscientists call implicit memory.โ€

In Bruce Liptonโ€™s book there is a great deal of scientific evidence regarding children taking on the emotional dispositions and neuron brain pathways from their parents even before they are born.

Human babies and young children are fascinating โ€“ they are powerful learning machines. Human babies are not born with survival instincts like animals that allow them to naturally adapt and survive.

We are in a human world evolving at breakneck speed; this means babies and young children require voracious subconscious minds to suck up information at highly accelerated rates, as a necessity to be able to survive and participate in the human experience.

For all of its superior learning advantages, the power of the subconscious has major disadvantages. The subconscious does not differentiate any message as โ€œwrongโ€ or โ€œrightโ€ and up to around 7 years of age in delta and theta brainwave there is NOย conscious filtering going on โ€“ everything is simply registered directly into the subconscious as โ€œtruthโ€.

Let me give you a really simple example.

Mum laughing: โ€œYou clumsy, silly girl. You fell over again.โ€

Daughterโ€™s subconscious belief:ย  โ€œIโ€™m a clumsy, silly girl.โ€

You see the subconscious has no sense of humour โ€“ it is LITERAL.

It gets really impactful when you think about โ€“ what you took on, and what you have passed on. All the limiting, small, fearful beliefs that are possible about ourselves, others and life. All the damaging information our parents unknowingly fed us that went straight into our subconscious.

This is how we know when we have subconscious beliefs that are opposed to our conscious desires โ€“ we feel at war with ourselves.

We canโ€™t seem to stop eating junk food, or despite our best intentions and planning we canโ€™t get motivated, or do what we know we should do, or we keep handing our power away painfully in actions and obsessions about people and things outside of our control โ€ฆ that we know arenโ€™t helping us but we canโ€™t stop doing these actions.

Keeping hooked into, connected to and abused by abusers is a classic example of painful subconscious beliefs.

Thatโ€™s all a part of it.

And within the self-battle we lose self-respect, and self-esteem and we can feel powerless and defeated.

We may not realise how powerful the subconscious mind is and how futile our conscious mind is when pitted against it โ€“ and that this is the problem.

Science has proven that our subconscious is a million times more powerful than our conscious mind. When we think about it, we can easily understand the validity of this claim โ€“ our subconscious runs countless chemical operations that keep us alive within our body and makes millions of simultaneous multi-directional choices without any of our conscious input or recognition.

Bruce Lipton writes about his incredible โ€œah haโ€ moment in The Biology Of Belief when he first received kinesiology. When he made the statement โ€œMy name is Bruceโ€ his arm held strong, whereas when he said โ€œMy name is Maryโ€ he could not hold his arm up when it was pushed down no matter how determined he was to keep it strong.

The same goes for all of us when we are muscle tested โ€“ if we make a statement that our subconscious doesnโ€™t agree with, our body loses energy; it loses body-Chi.

This he knew meant, point blank, no matter what direction he wanted to do in life (such as hold his arm firm or create a new direction is his life that he had never been able to create previously) if his subconscious did not agree with this direction โ€œas truthโ€ then no amount of conscious effort could create it.

So letโ€™s imagine if we had the ingrained belief โ€œlove hurtsโ€ that we learnt as a child. This literally means this is true for us and we will never be able to hold and create any other reality โ€ฆ unless this belief is re-programmed.

This is the powerless grip humankind has been in โ€“ nil understanding of the subconscious mind, or how to access it and change it.

In this powerless panic and pain people have been futilely trying to battle these beliefs consciously โ€“ and then trying to change everything and everyone else outside of themselves to get relief when that didnโ€™t work.

Thatโ€™s the victim / perpetrator mess. Look at our world โ€“ itโ€™s not working.

That is why we have not been healing, and that is why we havenโ€™t been passing on the necessary programming to our new generations โ€“ in order to change our world.

But we can change โ€“ starting with ourselves.

One by one.

Many of us are doing just that โ€ฆ waking up to become the change we want to see, and all of us who are willing to be authentic can do that โ€“ absolutely.

I hope this article has helped you realise โ€œWhat Can Be Done About Narcissists?โ€, the topic of this conversation, ย actually has nothing to do with narcissists โ€“ the power was always inside ourselves.

I would love you to understand this deeply and join me in this new world consciousness movement, and I would love to share my healing model with you โ€“ so that you can learn how to find and re-program your subconscious beliefs.

To help you get started I’ve put together a free online workshop where you will join me for 3 transformational hours as I take you through the step-by-step process to getting relief, taking your power back and beginning your journey to thriving after narcissistic abuse.

You can register for free by clicking here.ย 

Truly if you know that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse, and how hard it is to recover โ€“ or if you are struggling with how painful your personal relationships have been โ€“ join me in this upcoming free workshop.

By doing so, you have nothing to lose and the possible freedom of your new incredible life to gain.

 

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26 thoughts on “What Can We Do With Narcissists?

  1. Hi Melanie!
    I am reading allot about narcissism and psychopaths, and realized a couple of months a ago,that I had been in a relationship with one.
    He left us(my 3 year old daugther and me) from one moment to the other,six months ago,when we had planned to move together to Barcelona,to start a new life there as a family,and everything seemed perfect.I was shocked!I had sold everything,had the flight tickets…he went partying 4 days(he has problems with cocaine,marihuana and alcohol) ,and then he ended the relationship on his birthday ,on telephone.Not even face to face.
    He just disappeared.Now I know he is showing himself as a succesfull musician in a band,in the south of Germany,started a completely new live, new home,new job,new friends,he said he married a german woman(he is mexican and the only reason he could stay in Germany was because our daughter was born in Germany,but he never ever has paid one cent ,nor has contributed in anything,and Migration was after him),having allot of success,and I feel devastaded.
    Since that happend, I am living at my moms house with my daughter in a little town in Germany,unkown for me,no friends,never been here before. I am having the hardest time in my life.I cant even get out of bed,feeling totally depressed ,without strength.
    Everything he had in Germany was because I helped him, papers, jobs, music intruments, apartments, money, even clothing.He just took everything,and now moved on to the next spot.
    I am realizing that he is a narcissist, I think even psychopath after reading allot and making therapy.I just cant understand how he just moved on,without one feeling, after 8 years, and is having success, while I am so destroyed of how everything ended and after all the life I built for him.I know I am emotionally dependent,and I am making therapy.
    His family didnt know anything about what was going on,till couple of days ago, I have to say he has 2 lawsuits,because of dangerous physicall agression he comitted against me,he looks very exotic(thats how he gets all the atention from other women) has no school education and is a mediocre musician,but thinks he is the best.I am wondering how he can get away with everything,all the lies all the bad things he did to us, and who knows what else.all the drugs ,alcohol women,partying and having the best show life ever,are they never falling down?
    I am sorry for the long message, I am just so broken ,I dont know what to do anymore.
    Thanks and a big hug!
    Nikki

    1. Hi Nikki,

      my heart goes out to you.

      I really want to say this to you … “He is what he is” … and I know that you know (as so many of us did) that you chose a man with obvious issues and addictions, or at the very, very least chose to stay with him when they developed even though he wasn’t take full responsibility to deal with / heal them.

      We clearly didn’t know better .. but the facts remain that we put our hope into “getting” our dream life through another person who was never going to have the resources to provide it.

      And then – naturally – until we work at the necessary development and healing of ourselves past this “relationship unconsciousness” we cling and continue to hold that person responsible – even if just emotionally.

      Water chooses its own level and what we don’t realise until we need to heal, and take on healing ourselves – is that it was our inability to show up and love and provide a life for ourselves which caused us to choose someone else who would ALSO abandon us.

      Ouch – I know that hurts – but the truth will start to set you free.

      Your question “How can he get away with this?” …

      The answer … Easy! People are unconscious enough in his wake to do what you did – accept him and want him regardless of his horrible behavior, because there are so many of “us” co-dependents who have childhood wounds that have caused us to feel empty, unloved and powerless – and continue to attract and choose partners who will CONFIRM those beliefs about ourselves.

      And then we BLAME them! Can you see the insanity and powerlessness of that?

      Until you make this about your healing and development, the obsession, agony and addiction continues … that’s the bottom line.

      Therefore the most loving and supportive thing I can say to you is “Come into my Webinar” and read everything on my website about “you” … stop making it about him.

      You will find every one of my articles / radio shows WITHOUT exception is about empowering and awakening you.

      Big hugs and love Nikki, and please know if you change your focus – which presently is only cementing you into more powerlessness – you will come out of this more authentically than you could imagine.

      It’s like the matrix – “Do you choose the red or the blue pill?” But in this case the illusion only brings more pain, and the truth sets you free into a life that is truly wonderful.

      It’s your choice … and hopefully when we have had enough of the pain we make the real choice.

      Mel xo

    2. Hey Nikki,
      Yes, Melanie is right: we have to work on ourselves! Your question: What do I do? I don’t know what to do anymore.
      OK, here is something for starters: Get your self in the best shape you can; eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise. Try going for walks, Yoga- there are bound to be some teachers in your area – do Tai Chi, Falun Gong, do the Kinslow system, get out into nature, eat organic food and drink good water; get enough vitamins and minerals into your diet, listen to your favorite music – (do you even know what that is anymore? After being in a relationship with a narc, people often forget what their favorite colors are, their favorite music, foods, activities – it is like they forget who they are.) If you have not been to church or temple for a while, go again. Listen to Mozart; it is very healing and inspiring! Definitely do Melanie’s Quantum Freedom when you can; it is wonderful!
      Please keep us posted, best of everything to you!
      Kay

  2. Melanie, brilliant, powerful, empowering, light-working post. This is the post that should be on every narcissist “victim-sympathy” website, page, forum and inbox. That is how important it is, and I ask our helpers and guides to take its energy far and wide for highest good and deliver this message to all those who are struggling in their victimhood, with full compassion as I for one and you also Melanie and so many, many of us have been in that state of being for years. DECADES….our whole LIFETIME when we get honest about it.

    Thank you.

    1. Hi Charlotte,

      thank you so much – this one really did flow out very quickly … it is a message that does need to be passed on.

      I too hope that the mechanics of the Universe take it to where it needs to be.

      I agree Charlotte wholeheartedly about what we suffered in the victim model – horrendously and for extended periods of time.

      It BREAKS my heart every time I see on an abuse forum the words “You will never get better from this”, or “You can’t heal from this” … that’s why I don’t go there, because I can’t stand seeing victims dispensing life sentences to other victims and keeping them all terminally cursed with a tragic life.

      I feel so grateful that the victim perspective took me to the very end of the line, up against the wall with only two choices “surrender” or “leave”.

      I am so glad I surrendered and saw the truth …

      Like you I know how many people are destroyed in the victim model, and identically with love, compassion and open arms I will do all I can to help people rise up and out of it.

      Because that is killing them, so much more than what the narcissist did to them.

      Mel xo

  3. Taking back and owning our power, understanding that we create our realities through our beliefs and definitions about ourselves and understanding we are master creators not victims to anything it anyone, is what it’s all about. Thank you for dedicating your life to this work and showing so many people who they really are to give them an opportunity to learn, grow and evolve.

    1. Charlotte,

      “Master Creators” absolutely.

      This is Who We Are, it is our birthright, and everything about our world’s programming has been about causing us to forget that.

      Thank goodness we are now waking up and coming home to the truth.

      You are so welcome Charlotte – what else is there to do? ๐Ÿ™‚

      Mel xo

  4. This is your best post yet Mel! Thank you for your amazing inspiration and insight! I also liked the use of an example with Leslie and Paul, it makes it easy to understand the dynamics not just in how it played out in my own life, it depersonalised it.
    Xxx

  5. Melanie, I have a question about children of narcs. My beautiful boy is already taking on aggressive traits that are completely inline with the male traits of his narc father’s family. I’m at a loss because He is so young. How can I parent him to lessen the aggressive behavior because at times he has actually been called a tyrant by caretakers? I want to nurture the sweetness in him, and I want to show up as a parent to him. His father has no contact as of right now, so his environment is loving and stable. Thank you for everything.

    1. Hi Brianna,

      the great thing is that your son is so young.

      Firstly have you worked on your own wounds that were inflicted by his father, when you were N-abused?

      That is step number one.

      Then it is a matter of 1) you can energetically work on your son’s aggression through your energetic body with Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP Program), which has incredibly powerful results, and 2) you can also work on having really consistent boundaries – where there are consequences for him if he breaks them.

      Not violent punishment – more like losing things that he wants to have. So that he realises his behaviour does not bring him the results he desires. And this can be done without argument, cajoling and guilt if you have done the work on yourself to be solid inside.

      I hope this helps …

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you, Melanie. I have been an avid reader of your blog for almost a year. I am completely 100% interested in the NARP program. I need it for the multiple times of I’ve encountered and being raised by a N. Financially I am unable to purchase the program, but I can’t wait until I can. You don’t realise how my of a difference you’ve made in my life already. I have been moved by you words so much so that I finally understand the why’s and everything, which in itself is monumental for me. You are a God send to us all!

  6. Dear Melanie, I listened to your shows frequently and have read a lot of your interesting articles. I recognize a lot in my ex-partner though I would VERY MUCH like to know the differences between a narcissist and a person with autism : there are SO MANY same features, resemblances that it is very confusing to me; please could you help to Uncover the differences etc…
    It could be very helpful to me, I am so afraid that to this point I have labelling (and blaming) my ex for a narcissist and now that I have done a course around autism, I also recognize a lot of it in my ex ??? Hรจlp …….
    THanks A LOT, Christine, a follower from BELGIUM

    1. Hi Christine,

      I really want you to understand this …

      I am the wrong person to ask the differences between labels – because my work is all about “ourselves” – not “them”.

      What I endorse is we work on ourselves, heal ourselves and create a life from the inside out that represents wholesomeness, authenticity, love and truth.

      Then who is meant to be with us will show up AUTHENTICALLY alongside us … not as “past regrets” “promises”, “words” or even “potential” … they will show up “for real”.

      Until that day happens – are they are our truth?

      The answer is “No” .. if we are taking responsibility to evolve ourselves and change our life.

      If we are not taking that responsibility then naturally we will keep including them, and trying to find a justification to include them.

      Now I know you are not with him now – but truly the way we obsess and hang on – energetically we still are!

      If we wish to take on someone who is unwell – whether their “stuff” is narcissism, autism, asperger’s, bi-polar, anti-social or just plain selfishness, well then we need to accept it, realise the person we have is the person we have – and not hand our power over by trying to change them.

      If we wish to love them – then “as is” unconditionally is ALL that exists as real love.

      Were you willing to do that – and know you could have a happy, safe existence with this person as he was when you were with him? If not – be honest with yourself, heal yourself and let go – and realise that the “label” is totally irrelevant.

      Because truly wanting to change someone is NOT love … and we dress it up to be “love”. This is being a victimised martyr and it doesn’t help them and it certainly doesn’t serve our own life or evolution.

      If we can’t be with someone as they are and love them – then we need to LOVE them ENOUGH to let them go so that both parties can live the life that is their chosen reality.

      What you need to do – when you talk about your experience that you went through – is call him the “gift” that helped you realise what you needed to heal within yourself.

      THAT is who he really is. He is one of your greatest “teachers” regardless of what his mental condition is.

      Understand?

      Mel xo

  7. Hi Melanie,

    I just want to thank you for all the help you have given me so far. I have signed up for the webinar and am so looking forward to it. This post was a turning point for me. I have been in a romantic relationship with a narcissist for about 13 years now. I have felt very desperate the past couple of years and began reading up on his behavior. What this post did was really make me realize that I need to focus more on healing myself than anything. I have tried everything with him to help him see how damaging his ways are but it is a futile effort. I now know that I must change myself and I am starting to really see how I have let this go on for so long. All I can say is Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

    1. Hi Michele,

      welcome, and I am so pleased you have joined the Webinar.

      Posts like yours make me happy beyond measure, they make me realise my job of “breaking through” is working – one person at a time.

      I can feel and sense the relief you are already having chemically in your body as a result of accepting the necessity to “come home” within yourself.

      The reason this happens is our neglected Inner Being – because we previously had our focus off us and on the narcissists – sighs a massive relief when we decide to come inwards to heal ourselves.

      Then no longer do we suffer the intense anxiety and pain of self-abandonment.

      Just that decision ALONE can reduce C-PTSD by an incredible magnitude.

      Big kudos to you Michele. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Mel xo

  8. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for such an inspiring post, I really enjoyed reading it. Ironically though, these past few days, I have been thinking a lot about how to better deal with my Narc sister’s son; then this article comes up.

    I have noticed, since doing inner work, that the way he is with me, the good and the not so good, is exactly how I was as a child, the inquiring mind and always asking questions, babbling non-stop etc. I have not as yet dealt with the painful comments I have received from older siblings and adults for being this way and sometimes find myself giving him, or almost giving him, the same responses that I got as a child.

    Then, the way he is with his mother, is exactly the way she was when she was a child, never listening and having to have the same stuff repeated to her all the time and then the next day, after the long speech, they don’t listen again, not wanting to do homework etc.

    Having read your article and also writing this comment, reminds me:

    Like you say in your blog post, “it was impossible to impart what I had not yet embodied, because we can never lead people where we are not going ourselves.” So we as the adults needs to change ourselves by going within.

    Children can only be the example they see and when we look at them, we see ourselves and the parts of ourselves that we did not yet learn to love and accept. No wonder we can become so mad at them sometimes. Then the first instinct would be to reprimand, lecture, scold etc. because that is what we got as a response from our guardians. Not many people realize that we need to look within to see what unhealed part in ourselves, this is showing up for us.

    This is why this article is so important; it shows us that we can create a better way from today onward and leave the old systems behind. It had its time and should now make space for ways of being that is more appropriate to our time.

    xoxo

    1. Hi Quinton,

      You are so welcome, and I am glad you enjoyed the article.

      That is so true that we see in our children the reflection and parts of ourselves that we may not have embraced / integrated.

      As is true, that whatever triggers us significantly is because it relates to our own issue / or still unhealed wound.

      I sooo agree that reform and updating is so necessary Quinton!

      It’s time …

      Mel xo

  9. Thank you very much for this reminder. Great article which resonates deeply.
    I signed up for this upcoming Webinar but didn’t receive an email to confirm. I repeated this process but did not again receive an email. I am now a member of NARP as I attended the previous Webinar and decided to try/purchase your program. I have begun the program and have been interrupted in this practice and would like to participate again to feel the live process with you. and other attendees.

    I also cannot access the private group. Please inform?

    Thank you, Melanie, for your good work. I am innately connected to your approach and would love to proceed in giving it more of my all (I seem to be doing this fervently both subconsciously and consciously). I hope to hear back.

    So many are wounded, willing and ready to work to pass along this message; I am one of them. I believe many of my loved ones are as well (not sure if they’re ripe for awakening. I can only have faith that this wave will continue to come through;) )

    1. Hi Dorian.

      You are very welcome. The reason why you couldn’t sign up to the Webinar again – because it is an introductory Webinar with limited seats, and is limited to one per person. You can of course download the recording and go through that again … the recording has the same “power” as live – and new seats are needed for new people accessing this information.

      All of the technical queries including accessing the Private Forum please email [email protected], and the support team will assist you.

      That is wonderful Dorain that you are now oriented in this approach and are a part of the awakening of consciousness.

      Mel xo

  10. Hi Melanie,

    I can’t figure out whether I have been with a narcassist for the past two years. He has left the relationship at least once every 6 weeks because either he heard rumours about me, he got anxiety or because we were different people. But then he would come back a week or two later. I have always taken him back because I assumed he was really messed up from his previous relationship but it appears to not be that anymore. He has tried to get help but apparently he didn’t like the people he was seeing. He says when we are together that I text him too much or expect too much from him. But then when we aren’t together he was text constantly when he has made the decision to get back together.

    He says he can’t trust me even though I have never done anything to give him reason not to trust me.
    When we are together he withholds any affection normally and most nights I lay in bed wondering why he does it.

    He is very much about himself but occassionally will make the effort to ask about me. It’s all about him, his houses and his daughter.

    That’s the other reason I haven’t left his side is because of his daughter, she is absolutely beautiful and means the world to him, he won’t ever let anyone close enough to her though.

    We have been broken up this time for about 3 months but he has continued contact within that time and even to the stage he said he wanted to get back together but he can’t handle hearing rumours about me so he won’t give me anything.

    I Don’t know what to do any more, I feel so lost. I have lots of friends because of the constant up and down from this guy and i feel like he has everything and I have nothing and he couldn’t care about me at all. But then next minute he’s back talking.

    Always when we do that prior to getting back together it is me saying he is amazing ect ect. Never anything from him.

    He doesn’t fit some of the narcassist boxes sometimes but others he does. I feel like it’s me that has the problem sometimes.

    So lost.

    1. Hi Feeling Lost,

      the behaviour you are describing is abusive – and a representation of someone with NPD.

      Please understand this is about healing you – and what you are trying to do to move through this is not presently working.

      You need to come at this from another way, Please join the Webinar …

      Mel xo

  11. Hi Melanie
    I have been following you for a while now, my sister actually found your website as I was coming out of a divorce with an N. It’s been 2yrs now, we share a child, he doesn’t really participate at ALL in our child’s life, however I feel its best. The N has moved on, gotten married to replace his life & luxuries with me- but I am still stuck in the ” shock & blame”. I’m afraid to date, afraid of the world and can feel I have no inner joy, this is no good for my child who is still young and impressionable. I miss the N, but I also hate the N who seems to have a better life out there than we do. I’ve seen online your Quantum Freedom, I need to know more about it so I can learn to uplevel. Is there some way in which I can use at home? What do you charge for QF in ZAR? I don’t have access at home to a computer or at work cannot hear the webinar therefore have not applied thus-far. I’ve tried all the different therapies, not impressed as none help much and I lose interest. I’ve even tried sitting silently with a candle to get to my inner being etc- I cannot do it alone, neither did Dianetics work when I went to a therapist. I’d love to comms with your group, I don’t do any social media ( FB, Twitter etc) so how else can I get any assistance without having to apply for one of those? I have a GMAIL account I rarely use but will be happy to log on if necessary.
    Looking forward to hearing from you

    Anonymous R

  12. I have yet to do your healing programs…and I think now is the time I will see true results from it. there is a right time and state for it all. Obviously I get the value of lost time and greater debacles etc. but one can deal with only so much….So I took the route to introspection…..excruciating ….about what exactly happened and WHY the narcissist healthy or disordered would do what they do….and I got it…internal state…and went deeper into self-actualization, spirituality…. evil…crime etc….yes it cost me time….made me hit rock bottom…dark night of the soul….existential crisis for a child…..no one can imagine the pain and suffering of the prey / victims / chosen targets. I am not into dismissing victimhood and shoving it under the rug….for its the TRULY STRONG SOULS that become the greatest victims in the first place …. strength is the greatest weakness. So unless such souls HONOR their victimhood completely by true soul searching….NOTHING is going to ever help. I am sure. Its all great to feel and be great….BUT unless a “””victim””” actually knows how to honor one’s own victimhood and considers it valuable and worthy of self….self-love….how will getting rid of it actually prove any better. The first principle of self-love is UNCONDITIONAL. Each is different and should give themselves the time and energy they DESERVE to figure it all out for themselves. And if such are labelled victims loving victimhood….so be it !!! As long as it is doing them good giving them answers about their life lived….which is not a waste. !!!! though appears to be. Healing is NOT some recipe, formula, equation that one can just plug in….one needs to fall to the required depth….else will keep falling again and again…and again. So if one is in a hurry rush race to heal….[ what does it really mean to heal ???] ….one will again miss the boat anyway !!!! so I suggest do the homework for no one can do it for you….not even a healing program. one’s got to do it for self. period. that clearing ….greater rock bottom…is the only way for any outside healing program to work.

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