Melanie Tonia Evans

3 Important Points You Must Understand Before Attempting To Leave A Narcissist

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0

Leaving a narcissist is never easy…

To the outside world it would seem obvious that you should just ‘get out’…. but as we all know when it comes to the leaving part – and even after you go – you may really struggle with the decision.

When deciding to leave a narcissist you are likely experiencing a myriad of emotions. Fear, regret, guilt, ‘what if’s’, and ‘maybe he or she could change’.

You may still be holding on to the hope that this relationship could turn into everything you wish it was meant to be.

You know that if you leave this is a big statement, and unless you are willing to mean it and follow through, there could be dire consequences.

It is so hard to upset the dream of this perfect partner, or this incredible life you thought you were going to have with the narcissist, and truly once being hooked by a narcissist every part of your emotional addiction is trying to keep you hooked to the narcissist for many reasons (explained in detail in this article.)

The truth is virtually everyone, before empowering themselves (which means healing our unhealed parts) failed many times at leaving the narcissist.

They often stayed far too long in the relationship, and after leaving returned to the abuse time and time again.

For so many reasons, painful confusion and torment makes it nearly impossible to firmly believe and stick to: I have made the right decision to leave.

 

The Narcissist’s Tricks You if You Try to Leave

The narcissist is an expert at confusing you. He or she wants to retain you for narcissistic supply. And this means that narcissist will hit whichever emotional button causes you the most angst in order to affect you and keep you hooked.

You don’t have to still be in the relationship, or living under the same roof to be providing supply, as long as the narcissist keeps his or her hooks in to you.

If this is the case you will be still granting attention (which may simply be you obsessing), and you are still prey.

If being abandoned and discarded are your greatest fears (childhood programs of unavailable parents), the narcissist may act as if he or she doesn’t care when you’re leaving. This will cause you to fall into a heap “I can’t believe I mean nothing to you!”, start contacting the narcissist for some show of ‘care’, and thus go back for more abuse.

The narcissist still has control over you and knows it…

If the narcissist is jealous and controlling, and you have inner programs of despising feeling smothered, distrusted and controlled (parents who ran your life and violated your boundaries) the narcissist will try to make your life a living hell if you leave.

He or she will strip you of your assets, gain more control of your life and create so much angst, threats and trouble that it makes it very hard for you to leave, or once leaving you may feel ‘forced’ to come back to try to stop the onslaughts.

The narcissist will attempt to punish you horrifically. Understandably, if this is your dynamic it is very important to plan your departure mindfully without the narcissist knowing.

If your blind spot is ‘empathy and guilt’ (childhood programs of being conditioned to feel that you are only lovable when you are self-sacrificing yourself to what a parent wants you to do, or the inner childhood program of ‘If I help heal you I will be safer’) the narcissist may cry and plead and declare “I love you, I know I need help, please don’t desert me. If you love you won’t abandon me!” 

 

Leaving the Narcissist Triggers Our Greatest Fears

The truth is – the pain you are about to go through is a huge old Inner Identity wound exploding into your consciousness in full technicolour.

You are about to face extreme abandonment or punishment or guilt (or all three), and any of these painful emotions are the very opposite of the love you thought you had signed up for when you entered this relationship.

These are your old re-activated childhood wounds, and when we re-open old wounds (that are not yet healed), they hurt – horribly.

They feel like you are dying.

The narcissist is the master of targeting our old wounds and ripping them open.

This is the very method a narcissist employs to control us against all of our logic, and all of our better judgement.

Our old unresolved wounds, when heavily triggered by the narcissist, don’t make us run away they make us attach even more.

 And when we don’t take responsibility for these wounds, and don’t recognise, accept they exist or put our focus on healing them, they can be activated very easily, and the pain is horrific.

They scream at us, and in our panic, we make terrible decisions and we feel completely powerless.

These old unhealed wounds keep driving us back into the clutches of the narcissist if we try to leave – or they don’t allow us to leave.

The reason is: if we don’t take responsibility for these inner wounds we will do everything in our power to try to get the person who is bringing these wounds up for us (the narcissist) to fix these wounds for us so that the pain and panic can stop.

Through pleading, coercing, confronting, crying, raging, manipulating, retaliating, trying to force accountability, pleading helplessness – and every other method we can lay our hands on, we try to make the narcissist stop doing what he or she is doing – and we feel like we will disintegrate if we can’t make this happen.

What we forgot to understand is: these are our wounds, they were already present.

The narcissist just knew how to play on these wounds but they were always ours.

 

How our Mind and Emotions Behave When We Leave

When we have unhealed parts, that we are not fully focused on healing, our mind jumps in to try and stop the pain.

The problem with this is our mind does a terrible job of this…

Our mind tries to get solution from everywhere other than where the pain is really going on (inside us).

And when our mind believes that fixing or changing the outside is going to stop the pain, we lose focus and drift further away from the pain’s origin – where it really needs to be healed.

When our mind is in charge, rather than take responsibility for the healing of our unhealed parts to get true relief and healing and to stop our pattern of being narcissistically abused,  we second guess ourselves, or feel like we have ‘missed something’ .

Something feels incomplete…and…our deepest survival fears are triggered and we obsess into the fears and the stories of ‘How will I survive?” and ‘I may always be alone’ or ‘My life is finished’.

If we are not aware, we can easily hand our power over and stay, or cave in and go back to the narcissist.

In this broken state we can feel drawn to not taking responsibility and have the outside fix us.

Taking responsibility feels REALLY HARD at first. But the more you do it the easier it gets.

You aren’t going to get well by just leaving and try to get on with your life. You need to commit to you.

This is why it is imperative to commit to healing yourself as soon as you can, and realise this is not actually about what the narcissist is doing to you before or after you leave…

This is about healing YOUR unhealed parts that the narcissist is belting you with.

And when you do you will be able to leave healthily and powerful with greatly reduced levels of confusion and pain.

Because once you do heal these parts, the narcissist will have no hold over you again, he or she has nothing to belt you with, and you will not be a match for the same dynamic ever again.

 

It took me at least a dozen times of leaving the narcissist before I really understood these vital points.

I really hope this helps you leave your narcissist successfully and if it did I would love to hear your story in the comments.

If you have already left the narcissist, do you have any other important lessons that would help someone who is yet to leave? Please share them in the comments below and I will add the most helpful contributions along with your name into this blog post so new readers can benefit from your insight.

Thanks for reading.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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215 Thoughts on 3 Important Points You Must Understand Before Attempting To Leave A Narcissist
  • Beth
    September 14, 2012

    I needed to hear this today. Even though I feel incredibly strong and joyful, I still feel pulled by guilt and the illusion that the relationship could be fixed. I moved out months ago and have no contact. My life is moving in a positive direction and many of my dreams are becoming realized. I think it is even more dangerous sometimes as life gets better to bring up good memories and feel that their might be just a little bitty chance of redemption. The only way I save myself by keeping on my path of healing and investing in my dreams and my life is to remember the controlling behavior, the verbal attacks, the emotional violence and how I felt like I was dead. I don’t dwell on these thoughts or pity myself or stay in regret..I just use them as a protective measure until he is 100% coompletely removed from my consciousness. And I look in the mirror and see how bright and beautiful and ALIVE I am now that I am FREE.

    • Beth
      September 15, 2012

      Thank you Jac. For some reason the blog wouldn’t take my longer post I sent over. I just wanted to let you know my ex also had Man Toys and kept their lights on during the night so I couldn’t sleep! I would ask him to turn them off and he would get so offended. I think he only listened to me one time in several months of practical sleep deprivation. I couldn’t see the night sky for months because of the lights in the house all night.

    • Cleone
      September 15, 2012

      I moved out of my home in January of this year but I did not follow all of the suggestions and tried to communicate with my N. Everything that Melanie has said an N would do after you leave has come true. He is at the mean stage again and I have finally cutoff all communication. The hardest thing for me to believe was that this man I married did not feel any compassion or empathy for what I was going through. (He flaunted his relationships with other women in my face). I went crazy. Thankfully, I have a strong support group (I am a recovering addict) and a councelor who works with women who have Narcisistic mothers. I have worked through many of the issues with my mom (I recommend a book titled “When Will I be
      Good Enough) but the healing process with myu husband has been harder. When Melanie says “No Contact” LISTEN TO HER. I know from my experience I could not begin to heal until I stopped trying to reach out to him to fix me. It is up to me to take care of my inner child and I am finally learning how to do this.
      Thank you Melanie for doing what you do.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 15, 2012

        Hi Cleone,

        it is so wonderful you are getting the support and the help.

        On – yes so true that when we haven’t quite ‘nailed’ the responsibility for our deep unhealed parts it is such a normal urge to seek ‘the outside’ to fix it for us…and that is what we do when we struggle to maintain No Contact.

        This is why Energetic Healing truly does help so much – because it can powerfully address and support those unhealed parts.

        Thank you for your post!

        Mel xo

      • Elizabeth
        October 10, 2012

        Hi Cleone,

        I also moved out early this year. I had enough support that it was alot easier than I anticipated, however the months after have been extremely challenging. Not only am I in financial difficulty because of years of paying his bills, etc. he also disposed of my furniture during our last move together (he said it was in storage) and there are still some of our belongings there. He has played his game so well with being nice, and then reverting back to abuse when I don’t follow his “instructions” or grant his wishes.

        More recently he has become abusive again, and has threatened me and my daughter (her not directly) with violence. He also says he will ruin me financially (as if he hasn’t already), that my daughter and I owe him money (for things he bought us while we were together). A lawyer has already told me that these things are considered gifts, and we dont owe him, but of course I second guess everything and I know he’d probably find a way to make me have to pay. I am going to get a restraining order, but I am still scared what he might do. It’s very frightening to get through this hurdle, but I know when I do I will be so much better off.

        I have been working on my healing, but something is still making me afraid of this person.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Beth,

      I am so glad this article resonated with you!

      And I am so pleased you are free. Keep it up!

      Mel xo

    • terrianne
      September 16, 2012

      that is exactly how i feel ,,,

    • Kathy
      October 17, 2012

      This all sounds too true – although I am out, he has threatened my personal well-being, my job, tried to control who I talk to, the list goes on……..If I try to bring anything up, it gets twisted around, I tried the helping, the giving money, the taking care of his kid, paying for counseling – I feel that I just have to wait around for his next attack. But the worst part is is that I can’t help but think in the back of my head that maybe he is right – maybe I am a liar, maybe I gave him money to control not love him, obviously all fresh for me – this was my second time going back, but have now been out for almost a month. The sad part – I knew there were red flags within the first two weeks – and I tried for a year because I saw the good 0 this seems like it may sound familiar to people – LOL

    • Sherrie
      October 19, 2012

      Taking second place to “man toys” and workaholism was my life. I kept waiting for him to have time for the relationship. I kept waiting to have a “life” with him. When I got tired of waiting and being depressed, and I tried to make a life for myself. He tried to destroy this new life since the attention wasn’t on “him”. Before he could have cared less about spending time with me, then he was all up in my face to keep me from pursuing my dreams or hobby.

      I read and work Mel’s books and programs every day. When I first left, I thought I was going to literally die and didn’t care if I did. Now I read for an hour every morning to get me in the right frame of mind to be able to go to work, and I read every night so I can reduce the anxiety in order to sleep. Reading TRUTH helps silence my negative self talk.

      Last week was a horrible week for me as I received his offer of the property settlement of nothing of our marital assets after two decades with this man. I fell into the I’m unlovable, not worthy phase, wishing I was back with the N and that it was all a bad dream, but I kept reading away and working the program. I realize that there is not anything unworthy about me, he is projecting onto me, and I didn’t love myself to reject those thoughts.

      I woke up this morning feeling good for a change, and not blaming myself for not trying harder or staying longer. I truly know I am replaying my relationship with my original abuser. I truly know I must heal myself, because if I was truly well then I would never allow the N treatment into my life in the first place. It would be incompatible with my truth.

      I am working toward a new truth and new vibration. Mel, Thank you so much for all that you do. I was lost until I found your website, and it resonated with me, reinforced my intuition, and calmed my doubts about the nature of this abusive relationship.

      Thank you and everyone who posts and shares their stories. It helps me know I am not alone or worse yet crazy, and the stories are mostly the same behaviors, just a different N. This helps me know that my intuition was right-on that he is an N, and there was nothing more I could do for the relationship except continue to self sacrifice myself to the grave.

    • Eve
      November 8, 2013

      I am so thankful that someone shared your website with me, I am in the process of removing myself from my N. This helps immensely, thank you all for your insight, sharing and advice. I feel as though I am no longer the crazy one. I was able to leave about 30 days ago with my daughter, and after 22 years, wow cannot believe it took me this long, I finally feel like I will be ok, with the knowledge I am gaining here, and my supportive friends…I will break free. I realize all the work I have to do, and I will break this cycle, for myself and for my daughter. Thank you !!!!

      • Mark
        November 14, 2014

        Whats Crazy…. is you had to find a label…what is really amazing that drug addicts…or recovering addicts tend to blame and look for reasons or anyone that will listen or sympathies with them… which in your case is all true..you fail to tell the full story…. you where and addict… and where told you need help//// its ashamed that you have not owned up to you real issues….. its not that your partner was a Narcissist ,,,, its that he would not put up with your addictions and stripping……..TRUTH.

        • Beth A.
          December 10, 2014

          Mark you didn’t really read this article at all. The author clearly encourages the female to take personal responsibility for her wounds and addiction to the narcissistic man. That however in no way excuses the man for his financial emotional, or physical abuses. The man who acts like that is not setting a female straight. He is feeding his own addiction. He is abusive , manipulative and needs therapy.

    • Marjorie
      January 29, 2014

      I was in “shock” when I first began reading your work. I was sure it was a prank, who could possibly know everything my husband was doing to me, without living at my side? But here it is 2 1/2 years later, and I am still relying on your site for encouragement, reminders, support, etc.
      On a positive note, after filing for divorce the first time and believing his promises I went back. Within a few short months all his narcissistic behavior came back with a vengence. I filed again, moved out with the kids (9 & 7) sought sanctuary in a different address across town.

      Then the work began. Yes, leaving a narc is tough. They beg and plead, lie, demoralize you, use the kids, friends, anyone who will allow themselves to help them manipulate you in ANY WAY POSSIBLE. My husband even claimed my deceased parents stood at his bedside (twice!) and told him “WE” needed to fix this marriage. My father as a minister had married us and he and my mother were devoted Christians. He attacked my Christian values and dug up an old wound: GUILT. Talk about ruthless! I almost fell for it. My large family were insulted and disgusted by his actions and told me so, but I wasn’t so sure it (the spectral visit) didn’t happen. Now I have convinced myself it couldn’t have happened for many reasons, but my husband knew my weaknesses and preyed upon them, using my deceased parents as pawns!!! How sick is that? I’m still numb from it.

      Now I’ve discovered your ‘No Contact’ program which makes total sense and gives me relief that it is an option!!! but I have the children and he wants updates on anything and everything that happens with them. From a simple doctor’s visit to who the babysitter is, to the homework tutor, etc. How do I manage this? Please help!! I have refused telephone calls with him, and resort to texting about the children and planned school activities. This helps enormously because if it is in writing, he is careful how he words things. If it is a phone call, he will say anything and bring up a thousand complaints instead of sticking to the issue at hand. Sorry this is long but I could go on and on…the D is still pending, and he has now told my atty that he wants primary custody. It’s a ridiculous gesture, they are so tight with me, he never changed diapers, cooked, never did sports (I do!). It’s crazy how highly he thinks of himself.
      Thanks so much for helping me to understand the dynamics of this situation, and realizing it isn’t my fault to be treated this way, getting OUT is the ONLY solution and how to heal myself to make me a better me!

  • Kathleen
    September 14, 2012

    Melanie: Thank you a million times for the extraordinary insight you have offered womankind. Yes, men get abused but primarily generations of woman have endured much too much and its about time to finally see the disorder in the light. Ego is overrated in all of us. When I think of all the young ladies without this knowledge stumbling onto your site and taking it thru life with them it makes me hopeful for our future.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Kathleen,

      thank you for your post and you are very, very welcome!

      I am also very hopeful for the future of woman and for men and for relationships – it is time for all us to heal and get love right!

      Mel xo

  • Suzanne Peto
    September 14, 2012

    Hi Melanie,
    I love your work. Even though we are a half a world away I feel as though you are here with me, supporting me in this difficult time of facing reality and the truth of my life. Only for a very short time did I second guess whether this N abuse was true for me or not. Once the knowledge of N abuse resonated with me it wasn’t too hard to ACCEPT all of the other implications like the fact that the real problem lies within me. Though difficult and practically all time consuming, I am committed to heal and feel extremely blessed to have gotten the insight. I know so many don’t and go to their graves never knowing what happened to them. Though very frightening to face my own fears, energies and emotions I do see the light at the end of the tunnel at which there is only love from my source and that is all I really ever needed anyway. It is so not about the N(s) anymore…
    Bless you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Suzanne,

      I am so glad you are feeling the connection and the support – that has definitely been my intention!

      Your post warms my heart – totally! You have completely come to the REAL space within you where all true recovery and creation of a ‘thriver’ reality IS!

      I am thrilled for you, and hope and pray more people take the responsibility and truth on-board as you have!

      Congratulations!

      Mel xo

  • jodie
    September 14, 2012

    the most important thing i learned and really works in the healing process is NO CONTACT!! Once i forced myself not to have contact I was able to regain myself control and healthy way of thinking! Its diffacult not to make contact at first and sometimes I still feel like i wanna make contact but I dont and Im finally free! I feel like i was released from prison of 8 year sentence!! NO contact I think is the key to recovery and normality!

    • Eileen
      September 14, 2012

      I agree, Jodie. My N was so commited to breaking through that it has been a total nightmare. But I finally plugged the “leaks” and NO contact has been my life saver. I can actually concentrate on those childhood wounds and have found confidence to interact with real people again. Bless you for spreading the word!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 15, 2012

        Hi Eileen,

        Yes! Great stuff – the focusing on healing your childhood wounds!

        Mel xo

      • Kim
        May 31, 2013

        So those of us who unfortunately connect with an “N” usually have childhood wounds? Either I’m suppressing it or I didn’t have any. Not recalling it.

        • Darlene
          June 11, 2014

          Hi Kim,
          I’m guessing, but I think that even if your logical mind is suppressing your childhood wounds, as you’ve said, the painful feelings are stored in the cells of your body. You could “begin” by listening, please, to Melanie’s (3) YouTube videos about our brains, peptides, cells, and then listen to the sample healing module. Also…’No Contact’ IS “hard as hell”, but Melanie’s correct about that, too, so please do not give up and take the “N’s” bait. Get the support you need for maintaining your No Contact on Melanie’s Blog because, you’re correct, “we all have walked a mile in the same shoes”, so you’re in good company here. You were meant to find this blog, by some divine appointment. Be Well, Friend. Be Well!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Jodie,

      Thank you for your post.

      Yes No Contact is essential – but it is not the full answer.

      It is really important to use the time as a single person to work on the deeper inner programs within yourself, that co-created a narcissist in your life – otherwise these deep unconscious programs can (and usually will) play out again in the future.

      There are many people (I was one included) who previously believed that leaving an abuser, getting on with life and thinking you have enough knowledge to never get hooked or fooled again is enough…
      Truly it isn’t. Inner Identity Programs can be very insidious, powerful and hidden, and this is why the real work is very, very important.

      To HEAL our Inner Identity Programs was EXACTLY the reason why we attracted a narcissistic relationship – and if we ignore the ‘true reason’ then we may need another similar experience again, to REALLY get the message!

      NO THANKS!

      Mel xo

    • Kim
      May 31, 2013

      Oh I have such a long story and don’t know where to begin. Seems as if we all have walked a mile in the same shoes. I’m seeking all the help I can get. The no contact is hard as hell.

      • Darlene
        June 11, 2014

        See the other reply above.
        Again, be well, friend.

  • Kate
    September 14, 2012

    In leaving my N I have enlisted the support of my freinds . I have kept nothing from them and they have all unanimously given me the same advice ” don’t contact him again”. You see he was unable to trIck them , he was able to push my emotional buttons but not theirs. I have told my friends about everything , every embarrassing moment I have endured being with him . He has no friends . That thought comforts me . I see him now as a pathetic little man , a loser and non functioning person . I have been getting out and about , going to work , the gym , joining groups and events . Keeping busy and not dwelling on what could have been (but in reality was never ever going to be. )
    My friends have been my reality . Open up and listen to the people who really love you . Your children, your family , your friends. If you have no one , seek support from counsellors and join blogs like this for support .
    Set yourself free again to be the fabulous , kind and loving person you are . Keep an open heart and a smile on your face !!

    • Vickie
      September 14, 2012

      Yep I finally got away from my N and I think what woke me up was my health was deteriorating. I just had surgery this wed. My immune system was getting worse and worse. The doctor took a biopsy and is checking for cancer but I am trying to keep the faith. I have had no contact with my N since the last week of Aug. I changed my number and everything. What also woke me up is that he made a threat to me. And it really scared me. Every little noice I hear I think maybe it could be him. I got the police involved too but they cannot do anything unless he has physically tried to hurt me. Anyway thanks Melanie for this article. It does help.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 15, 2012

        Hi Vickie,

        truly I know what it is to be threatened and scared – as many people have…and I know that when you focus on healing the inner you, truly you will take back your power on this issue as well as your health.

        There are specific healings in the MP3s that can benefit you greatly about releasing the fear and the Inner Programs that allow the narc to still ‘hold up’ that energy in your reality.
        When you heal these issues – he will no longer be able to..

        Truly…

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Kate,

      that is lovely that you have that support…

      Please do know however that true recovery does come through thinking how ‘wrong’ he is – this will only grant you temporary relief.

      The real relief is claiming yourself fully by transforming your inner patterns and wounds.

      Truly the ultimate quantum leap occurs when you can think of your previous abuser as the greatest gift – because he handed you back to creating yourself…

      This doesn’t happen until we do the inner work.

      Remember that Law of Attraction is very specific – whatever we focus on and feel in relation to ‘love’ and ‘men’ is what creates our future experiences…This is why EVENTUALLY it is so important to get to the gift and the liberation – rather than judgement, resentment or even ‘pity’ being our fuel to get out and stay away.

      If it is, we run the risk of attracting another person we will judge, resent or pity – and that is not the love experience we truly want to have.

      I hope this gives you food for thought!

      Mel xo

  • Leah
    September 14, 2012

    Hi Melanie,

    I am learning that the need for certainty can be what traps us for so long in unhealthy relationships. We believe that we can create certainty by insisting that the N be what we need. The N has a different agenda, and actually has no intention of helping us heal, the very opposite they aim to keep us sick. That is why taking responsibility for our own health is the key to freedom!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Leah,

      Yes you have this spot on!

      My identical take is that we have lived with the illusion that someone else is responsible for our wellbeing.

      They are NOT! WE are! And when we are – THEN they can reflect more of what we already are to ourself!

      Thank you for your post…

      Mel xo

  • veronica
    September 14, 2012

    The father of my two boys, whether he is truly a narcissist or not, has abused me emotionally, verbally, and spiritually. He is also a ‘rager’ and has destroyed personal property. I don’t have a third party to mediate communication, but after reading ‘no contact’ and the many stories of those who have suffered at the hands of an N, I DO have support now! I’m reaching out, ending the isolation and feelings of the great abyss, and I am getting love and positivity in return (so grateful)! For me, it’s about self-respect and knowing my worth. I’m still dealing with some of the hurtful things the N has said to me, quite recently, but I know I am on the right path by entertaining no thoughts about him, seeing him for what he truly is, and moving forward, regardless of how checkered my past has been (something he always used against me). I look forward to a future without him in it, and am passing this information (so vital!) onto those who are still hooked on their N. I can look at myself in the mirror now, and see ME! I feel empowered and hopeful after 9 years of tyranny against my very soul. Thank you Melanie, you are a blessing!!!!!

    • Luann
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Veronica-
      Your post hit home when I read the part about the N saying hurtful things. I have/had been dealing with the same kind of thing. Obviously when they do that (and I say obviously because I figure I’m not telling anything you don’t already know) it’s because they need to find a way to feel better about themselves. So they chop us down. And they’re counting on us believing what they say.

      The key is to find a way not to believe whatever it is they say since what they’re saying is most likely a complete reflection of themselves. The N I got entangled with, called me some really nasty names I believed for a long time and it paralyzed me. It also hurts because we care/d about what they thought/think and how they feel/felt. And the crazy thing is, they couldn’t give a rat’s butt what we think or feel, as demonstrated by their actions.

      Glad to hear you have support and enjoying a new found empowerment. And yes, self-respect is so important if not most important. I was just speaking with a friend last night, who is having a tough time staying in an emotionally abusive relationship yet having a difficult time leaving too. I told her, “You have to stop caring more about him than you do yourself.”

      The abusive ones can smell that stuff.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 15, 2012

        Hi Luann,

        it is so true, one of the most important gifts and lessons we learn from narcs is:

        “It is none of our business what other people think about us. What is important is what WE think of us.”

        Thank you for your post.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Veronica,

      I am so pleased you are breaking free and empowering yourself…

      That is truly beautiful for you and your boys – and any way my information can help I am so pleased it is!

      Mel xo

  • Ruth
    September 14, 2012

    Yes, a big resounding YES!!!! I just completed 2 years of separation and am proud to report, HE no longer has even my email. I have done deep deep work on healing those parts you speak of, and am experiencing a level of freedom I did not know was even possible. Yes, the pain feels like you are going to die, but I learned to go in to the pain, feel it, name it, release it. There is still residual, but I will be a work in progress as long as I live. The biggest thing is my stand for myself has become stronger and calmer. My stand is from responsibility more than reactivity. I am feeling like I am in my own skin again, and it is a joy!

    • Eileen
      September 14, 2012

      Thanks, Ruth. I needed to hear a success story right now. God bless you for it!

      • Ruth
        September 15, 2012

        you are so welcome Eileen!!!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 15, 2012

          Hi Ruth,

          gorgeous and perfect – and this is EXACTLY the result that can inspire others to realise that when you do go into supporting, healing and being with the pain (with full acceptance without judgement) you do breakthrough to an incredible new reality.

          That is key!

          I am so happy for you!

          Mel xo

    • Luann
      September 15, 2012

      That is so awesome Ruth. It sounds like something called Focusing. I have found that to work wonders also. Happy to hear a success story too. Enjoy that joy ride now that you’re off the roller coaster. :)

    • Kim
      May 31, 2013

      YES, FEELS AS IF IM GOING TO DIE! Omg!

  • Julie
    September 14, 2012

    This was an EXCELLENT post!!! Very timely for me. I have successfully left and divorced my narcissistic ex-h. I find that the most difficult thing for me is when I have a “crisis” of any kind, be it regarding my health or finances or the kids – I feel like I “need” him to come back and “save me”. So far, I have fought the urge to call him in the middle of the night to come in and be my knight in shining armor (ha!), but I admit, it has been close many times, and it has been hard. I am learning that I am able to deal with a lot more than I have ever given myself credit for. That is very empowering! However, this confusion and the urge to have him come and save me during difficult times tells me that I still have a lot of inner work and healing to do or else I will always be vulnerable to him or to another narcissist. Thank you so much, Melanie for this blog!!

    • Luann
      September 15, 2012

      I really relate to this feeling. My situation was different in that we weren’t married or had kids. But when I’ve broken down, I’ve felt like I wanted him to come back and rescue me.

      It’s just like feeling like a little girl who’s father won’t pick her up to comfort her and it’s all she wants.

      Thanks for your post. I have just now been able to put words to that feeling.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Julie,

      thank you for your post!

      Great recognition! I love it when people DO realise that they need to heal an unhealed part – because we all do have our stuff that can feel insecure and dependent…absolutely.

      Have you checked out NARP because there are QF shifts in there that are specific to empowering and healing that dependent insecurity.

      They would release those hooks for you.

      Mel xo

    • linda
      February 21, 2013

      But, did he ever save you, really!

  • Walter
    September 14, 2012

    Please accept my gratitude for what you have written. When I see your name in my e-mail, it is as if a friend who knows my deepest, darkest secret has come to tell me it’s all right.
    I am a man…and not generally disposed to fear, desperation and despair, yet I have felt all of these things obsessively since my ten year marriage has dissolved.

    Everything you describe has occurred and more, to the point where I believed that I was insane. It was impossible for me to come to grips with the evil that was pouring out from someone I couldn’t help loving.

    A year and a half later, I am experiencing moments of great joy interspersed with a lingering sadness and disbelief. I guess I am not finished yet, but I have maintained no contact. I will never go back. Never.

    I tried to leave with dignity intact, but when she realized it was really going to be over, she lashed out with lies and slander and manipulation of the police and courts to not only destroy the relationship, but my home, my business and my peace of mind.

    Be very, very careful leaving a narcissist.
    If they don’t destroy you physically, you may wish they had.

    Thank you again Melanie for providing a rare spot of sanity in the world.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Walter,

      I am so pleased you are breaking through and that my information has been able to help.

      Yes, you are so right that when leaving a narc make sure you think it through carefully..also it is so important as soon as possible to work on yourself emotionally – vibrationally so that you don’t feed fear, outrage and distress – which makes the onslaughts even more extreme.

      Truly when we do become the vibrational inner creator of solidness, peace and detachment it is so interesting to see how powerless narcs become to affect or damage our life.

      Keep up the great work of healing Walter, and you are very welcome.

      Mel xo

    • Beth
      December 20, 2014

      My N was probably the worst I can think anyone suffered through. He ran off with my moms cremains and texted me that he sprinkled her in the woods. He called me every name in the book. When I tried to leave he overdosed on Zanax and almost died. On life support for a week. I stayed even when he dragged me naked by my ankles up a flight of stairs, spit in my face, tore up my clothes, punched holes in my walls. He was the one to leave once for a nasty 22 year old child. He is 47. He came back and I was a fool to let him. He got me wrongfully arrested then posted my mugshot on Craigslist and all over to humiliate me. . I lost my soul. I finally am NC and I wont ever go back. I come from a very abusive childhood background. Trying to fix ME

  • Jody
    September 14, 2012

    Hello I’m a white male who is new to the recovery of NARC abuse. I’m blessed to have found Melanie and the valuable info see offers. I’ts so acurrate. Yes , the leaving was the hardest part . the staying away is like a 12 step program, one day at a time. The more days I get under my belt the stronger I feel, though not strong enough to socialize with that her again. At least not now.. I’m amazed at the cunning and complexity of a extreme narcisist, wow. they are the ultimate players. I’m a guy and I thought I was rather worldly. Ha, lol.. well I’m much wiser now after the encounter with this woman.. thanks to Melanie for the tools to recovery.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Jody,

      so true – we were ALL out of depth when we came into the narc world – no matter how worldly we thought we were..

      What is wonderful about this experience is the personal growth and level we get to as a result of going through it!

      Mel xo

  • Emily
    September 14, 2012

    After 4 tries of trying to leave the N, I finally listened to the voice within that told me I did love me more than “this.” I didn’t believe it then. In fact, I believed I was sure to relapse again. Six months later, I am still free, without contact, and feeling close to who I was before meeting him. I’m healing to a point I never knew I could deserve prior to feeling splintered by a man who knew my traumas and vulnerabilities, using them against me. It was fear I confused for love – an outter chaos to avoid my internal fear of Self. He haunts me still in my thoughts and I do wrestle with those parts – a deep breath and a good run later and I readjust to what I know to be true… That this is a process. And it’s a delusion to believe he will ever be authentic and accountable for my pain. To those who know this immense sadness, I know how heavy a burden it is to make amends with only yourself. Trust that this will pass. That’s what keeps me going. Someone told me once about a friend that had a son who passed away. To cope with the sorrow, she ran for five years. She ran until moss grew on the headstone. May your moss appear sooner than anticipated. As for the piece that Melanie speaks to about childhood parts that have gone unrecognized and unfulfilled, she could not be more correct. We have to go back in order to move forward after those horrific reenactments time and time again by the N. Yes, it is grueling but it’s worth every moment of connecting those dots. Thank you, Melanie, for addressing these parts that deserve all the compassion one can muster. You guided me to a wonderful healing center.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Emily,

      thank you for your lovely post – and the truth you write..

      I am so pleased that you came home to you! :)

      You are so very welcome…

      Mel xo

  • Evelyn Tapia
    September 14, 2012

    [["If your blind spot is ‘empathy and guilt’ (childhood programs of being conditioned to feel that you are ONLY lovable when you are self-sacrificing yourself to what a parent wants you to do, or the inner childhood program of ‘If I help heal you I will be safer’) the narcissist may cry and plead and declare “I love you, I know I need help, please don’t desert me. If you love me you won’t abandon me!”]]
    This statement brings about great insight to me- How even a parent can ‘prostitute’ his/her child to make them feel guilty if you are NOT there for them- In whatever capacity they put you in as ‘Savior’. Yes, I can see now much of what I now have to do and it’s funny cause in 2011 even before I read of this/these sick/evil people- Cause they choose to thrive on their parasitical behavior(s); in my search for ‘SANITY’, I had a tattoo written on my wrist facing me: “I am NOT my brothers keeper”. with the sign of the fish and the crown of thorns over the phrase. Thank You, Melanie for your insight:
    [["This is why it is imperative to commit to healing yourself as soon as you can, and realize this is not actually about what the narcissist is doing to you before or after you leave…This is about healing YOUR unhealed parts that the narcissist is belting you with...And WHEN you do you will be able to leave healthily and powerful with greatly reduced levels of confusion and pain... Because once you do heal these parts, the narcissist will have no hold over you again, he or she has nothing to belt you with, and you will not be a match for the same dynamic EVER again."]]

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Evelyn,

      You are very welcome.

      I am so pleased you have this insight and now recognise the healing you need to do..

      This is beautiful, because now you know and can commit to your way forward – creating your Inner Identity as the match you truly want your love experiences to be!

      Mel xo

  • Rose Aitken
    September 14, 2012

    Protect yourself..protect yourself..protect yourself!!! This is war and I was fighting for my life! I didn’t cause it, but I was suddenly under fire from all sides and had to get out before I went down. My instincts told me I had to leave, but my heart and head told me to stay and try to fix it, tough it out, use reason and love to make it work and that what was happening couldn’t possibly be real, because this was my marriage and my husband, couldn’t possibly be so evil. Don’t stick around like I did. Make a plan, stick to it, carry it out, keep all emails, get help from wherever you can, block the N from your facebook (and their friends) change your email address, and protect your friends and family, take legal measures, get advice, counselling, medical support,start squirrelling away money, do everything you can to help yourself as they will stop at nothing to destroy you to keep their source of supply. To save themselves from embarrassment they will blame you and get all their family and friends to do the same and play the victim into the bargin. Your job is to get out to stop the abuse and begin to figure out how to heal, and why you ended up with the narcassist to begin with. Leaving the narcassist is just the beginning of the battle. I have had to change almost everything, be braver than I ever imagined and keep going when I thought I couldn’t. The no contact is vital, your answers will come eventually, for me it took a long time, but I’m so glad I did. In loosing everything I thought mattered, I’ve come to realise what really matters. In fighting for my existence, I’ve started to value me, more than I could have thought possible. It is worth it!! Narcassism is so hard to fathom for those of us who aren’t wired that way. There is a way through.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Rose,

      a great post on so many accounts..

      I love especially your recognition that what was really important at the end of the day was your soul.

      Truly there is no security, no bricks and mortar that is worth more than the value of ourself…

      Because EVERYTHING comes from that.

      Mel xo

  • Leila
    September 14, 2012

    Hi Melanie
    Your articles , particularly this one have helped me to make sense of the turmoil being involved with a N had invoked.
    Having lost my partner of 26 years, 7 years ago I became involved with my N 3 years ago.The interaction ( it really wasn’t a relationship) was very on/off as I became aware of his traits and why he could sometimes seem like my soul mate and at others like my worse enemy. I thought I could finally walk away 7 months ago following an explosion ( from him) when I refused to be fobbed off and insisted on an answer to a question. I was therefore disappointed in myself when I contacted him again last week and arranged to mett him. My immediate feeling was relief, swiftly followed by total fear of seeing him again. Over the last few days I realise that whether I meet him or not is irrelevant, what is important is that I take responsibilty for my decision, remember to stay in my own power and not allow his actions to define me. As long as I ensure I am in a safe place I know that the most important part is completing the healing of my childhood wounds and then I will truly be free to move forward in the best way for me.
    Thanks for your site and if I can remain feeling as strong as I do today I know that soon I’ll find my answers.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2012

      Hi Leila,

      it is great that you have recognised how important it is to do your inner healing on this, and truly when this does become your focus it will be so much easier to stay away..

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • Tracy Johnson
    September 14, 2012

    Melanie – I have a question. I have been through these relationships with Narc men over and over again. I hope Im not as stupid as that sounds – I have been in therapy and worked on my issues (The counsellors always pick up on my NPD mother without me saying anything about her. 23 years ago I didnt believe it but eventually I accepted that I am unloved) but it never takes.
    Now having lost everything I ever had, I am at the worst place ever (pathetic suicide attempt a month or so ago) and wondering why my committment to healing gets forgotten once the worst of the pain passes. I guess Im just not drilling down far enough. I have been to shamans in the Amazon and to the ashram in India – I just dont know what to do.
    I have been doing your quanta healing most days with varying results – as I said in another post, I feel better and then it comes back so I keep drilling down but I cant help feeling I’m just a hopeless case. I tried to sign up to your course but the video crashed again – its weird how it keeps happening with your videos, as though Im not supposed to get to them.
    So my question is – after the commitment to healing – what actual steps? Feeling the pain, well I have done that almost every day for 49 years?
    Thank you and blessings

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Tracy,

      I can totally relate to having the previous frustration in my own life of ‘how much more can I do to heal’…Truly until I discovered QF Healing and committed to the deep clearing of inner programs there was ‘stuff’ in me that was sabotaging my healing regardless of anything I tried to do.

      It does sound to me that there are some deeper programs that you haven’t been able to find and shift yet.

      I would be happy to help you one-on-one for some specialised and really targeted sessions and my service does carry a full money back guarantee, so you have no risk in trying.

      I also have no doubt that if you could get on to the NARP Program which also has very specialised and targeted healing sessions (specifically for healing and releasing abuse and painful love programs) you would experience great results…

      Please have a feel into what feels right for you – and please don’t ever give up.

      Your liberation is there to claim you just need to make the right connection in order to do it, and choose to BELIEVE it is possible and meant to be for you.

      Mel xo

  • Jennifer R.
    September 14, 2012

    I left my Narcissist about two and a half years ago but we share a daughter together. It has been a nightmare filled with custody battles, DCF, thousands of dollars in court fees, emails, threats, etc… I feel like it will never stop sometimes. I have an amazing support group and a woman who shares this similar experience so that helps just talking about it. I go back and forth and feel guilty that my daughter doesn’t have a “real family” but then I come to terms with reality. I’m romanticizing the possibilities that will never occur. If I go back I’m going to die and I’m not just saying that as an expression, I’M GOING TO DIE! I know it’s better for my daughter to have a “modern family” then no Mommy and growing up with a Narcissistic Father.
    I have faith that everything will work out in the end. EVERYDAY I do readings, talk to people, read blogs and pray about this. I go to professional therapy and really believe in a higher power. Spirituality has been my saving grace. I went from being told I couldn’t even pour oatmeal properly and am so stupid and pathetic to living on my own, supporting my daughter with no child support, having a full time job and I just got my teaching certification. Not to toot my horn but I’m a roaring success today but it’s because I’m working toward better myself EVERYDAY. It’s a daily reprieve that’s for sure. Your website has been a tremendous help as well.
    It’s hard because I HAVE to see him twice a week plus do co-parenting counseling, mandated by the court, but its progress not perfection in dealing with him. Professionals see right through him and have commented how difficult it must be, police have said the same, family and friends but today, just for today after I submit this I will not allow him to rent any more space in my head. I’m choosing life today, I’m choosing to do something about my recovery, get into action. Thank you and if I can leave my Narcissist and still have to deal with him, to an extent, anyone can. Recovery is possible, I just have to ask myself, “am I willing to go to any lengths to achieve my recovery.”

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Jennifer,

      Thank you for your inspiring post.

      It is great you are getting there and you are moving forward truly.

      I would recommend that you do work at shifting and letting go of the guilt as this will open up a whole new space and freedom for you when you do get free of this hook…

      Yes, it is so true that we can all recover (and then thrive) if we want it enough and are willing to put in the effort to ourself.

      Mel xo

  • Susan
    September 15, 2012

    I cannot begin to tell you what reading all the information you have provided has done for me. It helps just hearing that someone else knows wxactly what I am going through. No one, NO ONE else understands. They all just say…get out and don’t talk to him, you keep saying how much he has hurt you but you won’t and can’t completely push him from your life. Now someone else knows exactly what’s happening to me.
    I have been in my relationship with A for almost 11 years. He’s also an alcoholic, has no family, never married and never had a long term relationship before ours…
    I have talked and begged, prayed,cried, left and returned many times. Last year I moved out with my clothes and my dogs….nothing changed, he refused to go to AA and as usual he projected all his faults and failures on to me. He so so-self absorbed. Finally I moved all my furniture out 7 months after I had physically left and moved 550 miles away. I returned to my hometown to be with my mother who is now 82 yrs. old and is exhibiting symptoms of some form of dementia. My mother is also my original abuser…and the reason I gebcame co-dependent. I’ve 2 failed marriages before A…the longest lasted 24 yrs.
    I am now in therapy, seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist.
    Between my mother’s almost daily verbal and emotional abuse, the still abuse from A I am barely able to function on a daily basis. If i can get through a day with being ina crying, screaming heap on the floor…I feel successful.
    I have tried numerous times to cut off all contact with A…the longest being 6 weeks. Then I panic, he’s in AA, and there is this tiny little grain of hope that he will change.
    He’s on Facebook, we used to enjoy having contact on thee, but in the past few months he has become obsessed with it. He has no friends, no family, works from homes, has health issues and his main contact with anyone is Facebook. He began childish banter with some reconnections from high school…men and women. No problem until he accepted a friend request from an old school mate who is single and unattached. She does live 500 miles away from him. There was in appropriate posts, she obviously needs attention. Of course A loved it…because it fed his ego. I called him on it…instead of stopping and limiting contact, he limited what i saw of his post and could no longer see any of comments on anything. I stupidly tried to say this behavior only meant he had something to hide and was no way for an adult in a 10 year relationship to behave (he told people for a long time…I was his wife). I sent him a link about how Facebook can damage relationships and marriage because of exactly what he was doing and told him I didn’t trust him anymore because of all this Facebook flirting and his hiding things…wasn’t that important to him? NO
    He messaged me back saying he wasn’t flirting and he thought it was a compliment to him if someone flirted and “hit-on” me…and couldn’t understand why I didn’t see that. Didn’t I want him to be “liked”??
    he also called me insecure…I would like to say this…just to prove what he has ben doing…he comment on an upload this woman made…it was a joke about dildos…he commented twice and was the only man to comment…and he thinks that okay and had called this woman..Mavalicious (her name is Mava)…but he’s not flirting.
    I told him I would in no way consider any relationship without trust and I could no longer trust him. I also told him he had the emotionaly maturity of a 5 year old and was the most self-ansorbed person I had ever know.
    I have not spoken with him…I refuse to answer his message to me on FB and will only take one more phone call to tell him to get the hell out of my life.
    My problem…this has happened before and after some time, I panic, have panic attacks and have this enormous fear of always being alone and abandonment. I know this comes from my childhood..I understand that .
    I not only dealing with A but also the emotionaly and verbal abuse from my mother…who I realize is mentally sick and refuses to get help because..”I’m the psycho and there is nothing wrong with her!”
    I swear I don’t think I can get through another day and if I do…I’m proud of myself for just surviving! I am on anxiety meds 3 times a day and the maximum dose of an antidepressant.
    I want to break free from A, he has written some very supportive things to me regarding the situation with my mother…I just don’t know who to let go of the hope he will change. i talk about all this in therapy, my counselor told me to cut off contact with A and say I need to foucus only on me and our relationship isn’t helping me but making me worse. I have tried and tried..and just can’t do it…I don’t know what it’s going to take!
    He is not a full blown narcissist but has many traits…I know he has never cheated before with anyone but he can’t get that what he is doing now is cheating on FB is cheating to me. Also he is saying if not verbally that he doesn’t care about my feeling at all.
    Every day I am dealing with A or my mother. I have grown children how live away from me since I moved back home. I have my brother and his wife who live in the small town I live in. They all have their own lives and have each other. I am on disability, have very limited income, and there is no where to go in this small town to meet anyone. I know for sure that I have never felt so trapped and alone in my entire life…I feel helpless, hopeless and totally alone. I spend most days, sometimes 5-6 days in a row in the house and never leave it. I am not included in my children’s lives because they live so far away…one daughter calls me almost daily…my brother and his wife never include me in anthing they do, invite me to their home or ask me to go anywhere with them. I just have my mother to do things with and everytime I do something with her…I end up getting verbally abused by her. It’s always my responsibility to take her to all her doctor visits etc and see about anything she needs or take where she wants to go. I love her and want to be with her in the time she has left but she has made me dread any time I spend with her. My brother feels the same way.
    We have tried to talk to her about her behavior and our concerns for her mental health but she only screamed and yelled at us. She actually told me she didn’t care if I ever set foot in her house again. It’s very hard to declare someone incompetent…we’ve checked! The problem is one minute she acts like my mother, then out of the blue she’s angry and toxic.
    Dear Lord in heaven if something doesn’t give I am going to break into and spedn the rest of my life in a mental institution.
    I think if I didn’t have my nother to deal with i could possibly manage and do what I needed to do regading A to have a somewhat normal life. I can’t remember the last time I laughed or was happy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Susan,

      Thank you for your post. It is great that you realise the deeper reasons, and you realise the panic and that this is your ‘blind spot’, this is the place where it truly is really hard for you to honour you, your boundaries, your truth – and the creation of it (which he is showing he is not).

      Susan this is so consistent for so many women. We have deep DNA survival programs which means your body is literally clinging to the beliefs ‘without a man I will die’, and this is why one shred of hope has been sustaining you, and unconsciously (or consciously) you are clinging to that hope – rather than letting go and accepting ‘I am without this man and on my own’ – which of course is necessary for your empowered recovery.

      Mind you Susan, none of this is LOGICAL….and your solutions are NOT logical.

      This is why no matter how much reading or talking therapy we do, we may find it almost impossible to settle or sort our panicked emotions that are running our behaviour.

      Truly Susan these illogical charges need to be deal with ANOTHER system to directly address them – and this is why people who engage in energetic work (body work , cellular work) get results where they are really needed…

      Susan my solution to what you are experiencing truly is to do the deeper work via the NARP Program – and then those emotions would be released, no longer exist and would no longer need to be managed.

      Until you try it, it is really hard to fathom how that could be possible.

      I promise you truly it is…

      Mel xo

    • Kim
      May 31, 2013

      I can so relate to your post. I don’t have anyone to take care of. Blessing I guess but so alone and ready to explode.

  • Luann
    September 15, 2012

    Quote from your post: “I had developed a tumour on my pituitary gland from the ‘adrenaline rushes’”

    Whoa! That’s a serious wake up call for me. The entanglement I was involved in had me so stressed and I experienced adrenaline rushes much of the time too. I knew stress was dangerous. I knew the adrenaline rushes can do damage. It never occurred to me this could be a possibility.

    It’s scary the physical damage that can occur from abusive, unhealthy and N relationships. I hope you are healing speedily.

  • Charlette Mellor
    September 15, 2012

    Thank you to Melanie and all of you who have written comments. Each of you is teaching me something about surving the narcissist, learning to trust myself, dealing with issues about me that I haven’t dealt with previously, and being free to be me.

    As with all of you, it has not been easy and it is comforting to know that other women have been through the same thing even though it is horrible that anyone goes through it at all. Thank you for holding me up on days when I was sure I was going to fall and cave in. NO CONTACT is an absolute necessity. I plan on taking the Narcissist Abuse Recovery Program. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnell and I refuse to give up hope.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Charlette,

      You are very welcome, and it is true that the interaction here is wonderful!

      Charlette, it is great that you have received answers, support and hope, and I am so pleased my information and the support from others has helped.

      You certainly will achieve a whole new level again by committing to the work in NARP. That’s great news!

      Mel xo

  • Carol
    September 15, 2012

    I am in the process of trying to get a legal separation or divorce from my Narcissist cheating husband. He still lives in the house.

    He runs hot and cold and I feel like a yo-yo. Yes, I still love him but know I cannot be with him. I am hoping for a quick separation thru a mediator so that he is out of the house.

    Anyway, my main question is, how do you have no contact when we have 4 kids together? We will have to deal with each other regularly.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Carol,

      yes it is always more complicated when dealing with kids. Modified contact with boundaries is essential in your circumstance. You will find a great deal of information through my shows as well as other sources if you search ‘Modified Contact’.

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • caylin selene crystal
    September 15, 2012

    Hello everyone,
    How is everyone today? Okay i love what everyone has said here and i have had relationships like this but that’s not what is pressing for me right now. I have an Ex N who still has tried to maitain control over me and we have legal issues together so i have to have some contact with him. However, a few weeks ago i realizes that he is not my friend and wants to see me hurt so i (for my own sanity) stopped talking to him, only speaking through his staff, if anything had to be said. Until my birthday Sept 6. He called me to wish me a happy birthhday and i caught myself talking to him like i used to. Being overly nice to him , knowing what he is doing, because i was afraid of what he might do. BUT i told him i would call back and never did, because honestly i felt dirty after i talked to him, i felt like i sold myself out. Okay, my real life today, home, issues are my 2 boys. I have lived here and payed the majority of ALL the bills for allmost 2 yrs.(I am on Disability) The verbal abuse is getting worse , they both attack me together. I have been threatened. My 18 yr old actually said to me yesterday, as i was walking out the door to go to my counselors appt. that ” OH, i’ll make dog stew for you while your gone but you’ll have to get some extra garlic at the store because FROG (One of my 2 small dogs)because he’s probably pretty tough bcuz you got him from a rescue!)At first i ignored it, then mentioned to my older son 29yr old, who said Oh Mom he’s just kidding! Then i started getting really peode. I told mysel that, as my rage elevated,, that i wish i could punch him right in the face! OMG! these are my kids, both Ns but i think my youngest is a sociopath/N!! So i keep trying to save money to get the heck out but something always comes up. like my 18 yr old has to see a doc, has no job, no $, and stupid me said i would pay for it. They don’t want me to leave. who will pay the bills? Plus i am supposed to get a settlement for a broken back and they know it. They have called me every name in the book. When it is your own kids, it’s like i have to be there for them, i’m their mom! No, i don’t so i know i have to stop their every day to every few day asssaults by them against me. This emotionally takes me down and gives me no peace, or rest to even pack or get my stuff packed or sold. What ever i have to sale or do i have to do to get away from these men. My own kids. I did not raise them this way. Makes it so hard. I’m finding that i do need to keep my plans to myself so they can’t sabatage. Just learned this over the last few days. I never, ever, expected this from my oldest son! My youngest oh boy the things he has done to me??!! GEEEZ. So i know him. Thanks for letting me rant. HELP! anyone have experience here? Thank you so much, Light and love, Caylin

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Caylin,

      the truth is nothing in your experience is going to change until you take responsibility for changing it.

      None of us can inflict our will on others to make them change – and that is the truth. So therefore boundaries are vital and if you can’t maintain them then, sons or not, in order for you to live your life experience that YOU create and choose you will need to leave.

      Caylin the hard truth is that every parent needs to face up to is – you ALLOW them to abuse you by staying and copping it.

      Not only do you suffer you also allow them to NOT take responsibility because they can abuse you and you will stay and look after them regardless….

      They don’t have to change, so why would they?

      Your only relief is going to start with you being straight with yourself.

      I empathise greatly but truly Caylin there is no other way I can put this than the straight truth…

      Mel xo

      • caylin selene crystal
        September 18, 2012

        Thank you Melanie for your response. I watched A program yesterday that said we will be tested over and over again until we get the lesson! I believe we all create our own realities. I do see a psychotherapist, which helps bring my sexual, emotional, and physical childhood abuse issues to the surface. That is all it dose. I also believe that once the lessons are learned, new doors and windows will open for me. I have so many dreams and plans for my future and i also know to keep those happy, joyous thoughts to myself, as to not give the Ns in my life an advantage over me. I am saving money as best i can and planning my escape. WOW, hearing me say that brings my reality to the front of my brain where i can see it for what it is. I have felt like an empty shell living here. YES! the only way toget peace is to move and as quick as possible. i am working on that now. I did not give my son money to go to the doctor. I felt guilty at first but this is one of those huge buttons that they use to manipulate me. I will have a joyous and happy life but not until i get away from my boys. Well not true. I have my own room, which i stay in most of the time. I am going to set of my crystal jewelry table and start with the creative process to rid myself of negativity and spark joy in my heart. Still saving money and i am looking for a place to move to as we speak. I have a very good understanding of self protection (spiritual)and now about the narcassist in my house. Looking back on the past, which i have little memories from birth to 12 yrs old, only a few flash backs and disociation memories, i see that i was raised and spent all of my life surrounded by sociopaths, pedaphiles and narcassists. So it is no wonder i have had this lesson reapear, time and time again. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE and to see an end to the abuses that i am being spoon fed, i must leave as soon as i can. I have been heart broken because i will have to sell things that have special meaning to me to reach this goal but THINGS,except family heorlooms can be replaced my sanity cannot. thank you for your truthful answer to my question as deep down inside i knew this. Support is very needed when intwined in this type of abuse syndrome and i thank you for being that for me, all of you. Great advice and Ah Ha moments for me. Light and love, Caylin. I am also the wounded healer so i must come first in the healing process and learn not to stuff those blazing red flags that keep blinding me. Blessings to you all.

  • Caroline
    September 15, 2012

    “If I help heal you I will be safer”
    Thank you SO much for pointing that one out Melanie! Probably a big one for “wounded healers” in general!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Caroline,

      Yes you are so right! Totally! I’m glad this resonated with you!

      Mel xo

  • Vivienne
    September 15, 2012

    Hi everyone, it’s so encouraging to read all these replies to Melanie’s blog. I too am always so pleased to see her email in my inbox. I was married to my N for 34 years and he is divorcing me for my ‘unreasonable behaviour’ even though he admitted having an affair for months (for the 2nd time in our marriage). He also cheated on her with me when I did not know about her but he chose to tell me when we had gone to stay at my daughters to ‘try again’ at our marriage yet was still lying, deceiving and being malicious. Some of his behaviour has been very bizarre.
    He has walked away from me and our four adult children and has just ‘switched off’ to us and started a new life! They are all devastated and very stressed. He had sole tenancy of our council house which he mutually exchanged without my knowledge and threw our daughter out with 2 days notice. This was our family home for 21 years! He stripped the house of everything including my personal items,all because he didnt want to live in the house but did not want me to live there either. He has lied to everyone including the autorities and seems to have got away with it all. He is being obstructive, manipulative and lying with the divorce proceedings and is out to destroy me.
    I have been praying for justice for the whole situation and that the truth will be revealed. He has told his family and friends lies about me to make himself the victim even though they have known me for 39 years. He has always been a jekyll and hyde character with a terrible temper, but i didnt realise how vile and nasty he would become overnight, almost evil but everyone in his family and his work colleagues see a totally different person, a charmer and polite man because he cannot look less than perfect to anyone else. Our four children have grown up seeing me being physically, emotionally and verbally abused by their
    dad and so have other friends, and yet his family still choose to believe his lies because he is just so convincing. I am a meduim risk with the DA team and have a ‘marker’ on my home. That is what worries me about going to court because so far everyone is believing him!! I have had No Contact for 3 months but he doesnt want anything to do with us now he has found someone else to give him all the attention he needs. It hurts so very much when there have been good times in those 39 years and I do still get ‘down’ days. I am trying to start afresh by changing jobs so I won’t see him and do feel stronger but still yearn for him to change as i loved him so much. Then I think I must be going mad and think ‘was it all my fault’ because he truly believes that everything is my fault because he can’t look at himself or take responsibility for what he has done, he is in total denial. At times I still wonder what he is doing and whether he will be happy with this new person. I still can’t believe he can walk away without a thought,or how he can have a 2 bedroom roof over his head and yet make his daughter homeless, (she is sleeping on the floor in my one bedroom flat) do they have no conscience? Why doesn’t he miss his children?
    I just want us to have peace in our lives and hopefully after the divorce comes through at some point in the future, meet someone who would love and respect me and treat me how I deserve to be treated, to have a ‘normal’ relationship. God bless you all and I pray we all come through this awful experience stronger, happier and with peace in our lives. Keep up the amazing work Melanie because you are making a difference to many many people. x x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Vivienne,

      truly what you are describing is exactly how narcs operate.

      Your salvation and your prayers will be answered WHEN you shift your pain, fear and injustices.

      Truly…and then you will see how it will all change.

      Please access my blogs in regard to shifting you in regard to what is going down in your life.

      Read and read and know that your vibration can totally create different realities.

      Mel xo

  • KAROL
    September 15, 2012

    Hi Mel, and can not thank you enough, your information is amazing, and when I think I cant work something out, I go to your info and always find just exactly what I need. You are pretty good, you know!!! Thank you immensely. It has been very hard to understand the journey I am on my relationship has been over 25 years and I only just woke up this April, still trying to get over the stupid blindness, still healing, But I feel that if I concentrate my energy into healing that other things will fall into place, as I have been experiencing so far. Love your work. XXX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Karol,

      you are so welcome and I am so pleased that my information helps you!

      You have nailed it 100% – when you inwardly heal – EVERYTHING does fall into place. And this is why this is the ONLY real work we need to do!

      Mel xo

  • Donna Miller
    September 15, 2012

    I have to put my own story across at this point. I was married to two nice men before I met and married the narcissist. My father was good to me. I never witnessed physical abuse before. Only heard about it. The narcissist mentally, emotionally and physically abused me.
    I dont blame myself or think I have “issues” from the past.
    I simply believe that the narcissist was a con in every sense of the word.
    To confirm that. I will never be conned again……..
    I am currently going through financial settlement which will put this horrible experience to rest once and for all.
    It was not my past experiences which led me to the place I am today. It was simply because I was conned by the master of masters.
    One can be simply emotionally naive to these things. Doesnt necessarily mean one has childhood issues.
    One maybe has to experience a “con” in action to realise and learn and for no other reason.
    Con’s who take money from people doesn’t necessarily mean that those people have “issues” from the past……….
    Same thing can happen with con’s who take emotionally……
    My experience only xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Donna,

      thank you for your post – and of course we can all have our own opinion.

      My opinion is that I have met some people in healing sessions who also state the same.

      However, in my experience I have not ever not found the ‘inner reason’ why this happened…

      But that is only my experience.

      Mel xo

  • Julie
    September 15, 2012

    Hi Mel,
    Everyone says no contact but I’m going through the separation with him living in the house refusing to leave, and dragging everything out.
    He says it’s his house and he’s not leaving we also have children so he says he’s staying for them!
    How on earth do you do no contact while still living together and at the same time going through lawyers and hell but still trying to stay polite for the kids sake, it’s enough to send me off the deep end. Does anyone have any advice please.

    • kate
      September 15, 2012

      Julie, somehow get out !!! You cannot live in the same house as him, it will be torture for you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Julie,

      the truth is you either have to create boundaries with No Contact within the home – (people have), or you have to leave…

      Otherwise of course it is unliveable.

      Mel xo

      • K
        November 8, 2013

        I am in the same trapped position- 54 years old & need to leave my 15 year marriage to a N that has destroyed my character everywhere he can but have no money and no where to go despite him being a millionaire he has me financially trapped. I am finally contemplating an attorney but don’t have the money for one and can not get untangled from him without one-I was hopeful that I could ride out the storm and live in the house w/ him until a divorce and then find somewhere to move as traveling to court ect. If I left town would be financially impossible. He gives me no access to cash and only lets me charge a small amount for food each month and then rages that I have devastated him financially d has spread that rumor all over town and many believe him. I am humiliated and want out but fearful that the economy is so bad and I won’t be able to find a job that would allow me to live in my own- how do I really get out? Feeling fearful,desperate & hopeless.

  • kate
    September 15, 2012

    Hi Donna,
    I tend to gree with you. I have always been an independent and strong person. My ‘N’ was nothing but a very clever and charming con man. I joke now with my freinds that I am so relieved he did not take me scuba diving on our honeymoon!( Actually after we married I changed my will in favor of my children only, for some reason although I loved him and wanted a life with him i did not fully trust him or feel safe with him.)
    I think I was just a sucker for a handsome man who said all the right things!

    • Kim
      May 31, 2013

      Me too!!!!!!!!!

  • Donna Miller
    September 15, 2012

    Hi Kate
    Funny enough I changed my Will also when I married because I didn’t fully trust him. How is that?
    I like your sense of humor with the scuba gear… Although a very sad story.
    Yes I was just a sucker for a handsome charming man. Charm being the operative word.
    People often say to me when they hear my story that he must have been good in bed…the power of the penis….. and I say “No” It was the power of the charm.
    These people are cons..bottom line, They can con people with childhood issues and they can con people who have never seen the other side of life. People who have never seen abuse. People who believe there is good somewhere in everybody.
    I now know that there are many personalities out there and I am very wary.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Donna and Kate,

      truly just believing anyone can be conned and could be conned is very disempowering.

      Interesting that I have seen so many people clean up their boundaries and sense of self-worth and self-love that don’t fall for the same tricks.

      They learn how to date men at a respectable pace (they don’t fall into instant relationships anymore) and they do their due diligence about ‘who this person really is’ before gambling their bodies or their hearts.

      You see narcs do not pass those sort of tests, they do not remain consistent without conquering for extended period of time.

      Decent non-narc men are very happy to court, step up and prove their integrity and keep standing up to value a women who values herself and knows how to take her time.

      There is a vast difference between empowered dating with boundaries and ‘falling for handsome charmers’.

      Mel xo

    • dragonfly
      June 28, 2013

      Hello everyone, my ex was also charming & exciting, high energy affectionate at first but more in public. I also had uneasiness around him, he could sense it & would stare at me & say you dont trust me do u, he was always asking questions, he got very angry, sarcastic, gave me lectures was into conspiracy theories. he had angry dark side Mr Hyde was showing more & more. I couldnt hack it with him by 6mths. we broke up 3 0r 4 times & had lots of arguments mostly started by him, it was a rollercoaster yes No Contact truly works, I will work on my own issues, hurts from my childhood also, as my mother was distant towards me & know that she favoured my sister. yes i think he bpd, Narcissm & sociopath traits but thankfully he never stole money or possessions from me. As he was brought up by christian parents & had some morals,decency left. but just very self centred, all about him & he often said this in a jokey way, but meaning behind it. He was a facade, illusion pretending to give me what i wanted but he couldnt hide behind his mask for very long, his dark side was coming out 1 wk into the rship. Now we all have hope & coming out of a dark tunnel. Light & love to all, it is inspiring reading your posts & i hope you are all healing, feeling better by now. We all on our journeys & rediscovering ourselves, healing within. Life is much better without our ex’s, control freaks. I had ezxma from stress of living talking with my ex & also hip, walking trouble was worse when i was living with him. I can walk better, for longer now & have fewer setbacks now hes gone for good. Been over 3mths since we’ve seen or spoken on phone. We didnt have much contact after he left. He did leave some of his things here, incase I asked for him back, which i didnt. Then he got very sarcastic & wrote note requesting them back, cold distant, like we were strangers like we never had rship at all. I am also wary of going out, dating again. Friendship is better & less volatile, safer for me now.

  • Donna Miller
    September 15, 2012

    You don’t necessarily have to have childhood issues or any issues to be drawn in by a con artist.

    • Kate
      September 17, 2012

      Yes empathy was a big thing . My N was a ‘victim’. There was tragedy upon tragedy , he took me on occaisions to visit the grave of his deceased baby who died 27 years ago . If we had an argument he would bring that tragedy up . Pull on my sympathy strings with stories about his ambulance days , and how his ex wife treats him badly etc etc and how depressed he was how stressed he was! The doctors thought I had cancer and I was undergoing tests ,I concealed my diagnosis from him because I thought it would be too much for him to cope with!!! it turns out he was having an affair the whole time and had been lying to cover it up. )Since I have left him my symptoms have miraculously healed !!)
      So yep , I think his modus operandam was empathy . And what normal woman would not get drawn in by that ? I am proud to call myself warm,loving ,nurturing type of person . I would not want to change that because of this experience.

  • Rebecca
    September 15, 2012

    I married my N in January and left him 5 weeks ago. I had no idea what was going on as before getting married he was mostly loving and charming. However after the wedding it was a different story.

    What has really helped me during this time is maintaining no contact- email only to discuss our separation. Another thing which has helped is taking all of the emotion out of any contact I have had with him. This makes him so mad as he is now powerless in pushing my buttons.

    Writing a list of all of the times he has abused my trust, hurt me etc. has also helped. Melanie’s website and articles have just made me feel so empowered too.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Rebecca,

      Congratulations you are doing a great job of not handing over narcissistic supply.

      Fantastic that you are taking responsibility to no longer make him responsible for your pain and for empowering yourself.

      Keep it up!

      Mel xo

  • KAROL
    September 15, 2012

    Hi tracey Johnson, I would like to comment on your blog, it seems that you have been working hard at healing. Just a question: if loving yourself is important and essential, because at the end of the day we came into this world alone and we leave alone, the only person you have to answer to is you, really, So its not your mother, your father, your boyfriend or husband, or anyone else for that matter. Its only you and it will always be only you. If you believe in past lives, unless you get it in this life time, you are going to come back and do it all over again. Please commit to getting it. You need to love yourself and everything about you, all your likes dislikes, how you do things, how you dont do things, the entire you without any exceptions. Good luck.

  • carolyn
    September 15, 2012

    Hi Melanie- this article resonates deeply with me- it all makes so much sense.

    To all the ladies(and the chaps)who are going through this hell, I strongly recommend Melanie´s Narc Recovery Programme. I am working through it and began to feel so much better from day one. I feel completely committed to my own recovery from this abuse and so motivated to continue because the results are truly astonishing!

    Melanie I thank you with all my heart for saving my sanity and quite possibly my life.Love and hugs to you and to all of you who are sharing this extraordinary journey of enlightenment.You will get there!!
    Blessings be

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Carolyn,

      thank you for your post – and I am so pleased the NARP Program is helping so much!

      Yes, I believe we are ALL supposed to get there – absolutely!

      You are very welcome :)

      Mel xo

  • Lee
    September 16, 2012

    I woke up this morning clearheaded, relaxed, content.
    I suddenly realized what was missing!
    The anxiety, the panic just below the surface or erupting into a full blown paralyzingly attack.
    The ruminative obsessive circular thinking.
    The heart palpitations, knotted muscles, the shakiness of being on adrenaline overload for decades.
    The constant sense of overload.
    I slept. For the whole night!!! That alone. – HUGE!

    Dang! So this is how normal folks feel when they wake!
    I have hit in the ballpark of normal. Thought this would never happen.
    Married 25 years, he was classic NPD/BPD. My story is just like the rest- it is a pattern and recognizing it was a gestalt of healing. Once the illusion was ripped away and I saw who he really was – all thise decades of things not quite making sense suddenly became clear – and he made my skin crawl so I had no temptation to reconnect- a gift. Divorce was 3 YEARS of hell- he left for a new source of supply yet tried to hang onto me as backup supply. Having to deal with his vicious lying crazy in court and through our kids – pure hell. Almost killed me – literally. But it didn’t.

    I am working and enjoying it. Cleaned up most of the enormous mess he dumped on me. Social life- only with safe longtime friends. New people still scary. Dating- have no interest and too much leftover anger to even try.
    Lonely often. Feel emotionally numb. Afraid of the lows so avoiding any highs. Think this too is a stage of recovery. But so much better.

    My advice- learn all you can about the syndrome. See the pattern. You were lied too, gaslighted, trained to doubt your own instincts. NC is very healing. Seeing him in court set me back every time- he knew it and dragged me there, found every excuse to force contact. talk it out, journal- wow do the patterns jump out in a journal.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Lee,

      thank you for your post.

      It is great that you have made so much progress and have been able to identify very clearly what was going on so that you could extract yourself.

      Do know that there is another level of liberation – and that is the knowing of love, the knowing of expansion and self without fear – so that you can TRULY manifest and create in your life the real deal of authenticity, support, truth and genuine love.

      This means, ultimately working in clearing our fears, our pain and being aligned with our own integrity and KNOWING.

      This may take some inner work…this is not to DO with learning about narcissists, this is to do with learning about ourselves.

      Food for thought…

      Mel xo

    • Maddie
      September 18, 2012

      Hi Lee,
      Thank you for sharing your story! I am experiencing the same thing! I am in the progress of divorcing my husband of 25 years. For the past two going on three years he has done his level best to punish, guilt, and abuse me. He has left me with debt to upwards of 1 million dollars and expects me to pay 1/3 on a teacher’s salary. He, meanwhile, has gotten engaged and become a deacon in his church and loves spouting scripture to me because he thinks that I am some sort of evil that needs to be saved. The sad reality is that he is the one that needs to be saved. I have suffered all his abuse and taken it because I believed that he was right. Deep down though, I could not understand how he was right; my inner self could not accept this. So, I have been having a great deal of conflict within myself. Now I am realizing that my inner self was correct and now I have to trust that inner self. I convinced myself that I had to trust him with my soul because that is what a good wife does. However, that is not true. I always wondered why I felt so bad in our marriage; I always thought that I lost myself. Now I understand! I am still having a hard time with the fact that I am losing my marriage, but I need to remind myself that I am gaining my true self back! I was so happy before him, I can be happy without him. This will take time. Thanks again for sharing your story. I am glad that I could share mine as well.

  • Julie
    September 16, 2012

    Thanks Jac,
    What is NARP?
    I can’t believe he is acting like he’s moved on already and I’m disposable!
    It makes me so sad, also he doesn’t want to pay me the correct amount of support! but I’ll have to let my lawyer sort that out.
    Thanks Jac.

  • Jac
    September 16, 2012

    Hi Julie, NARP (Narcissist abuse recovery programme). There are affordable options and I pay mine off for less than $1 a day. It is an investment which is far more important than anything when trying to recover your soul. The programme with give you strength and empower you to be able to make decisions rationally. It is in side bar on this page. You will feel empowered not fear. X

  • Jane
    September 17, 2012

    Hi Mel, I am working through your NARP programme and am half way through it. I also took your advice and had a kinesiology session. I am so happy that the old emotional charges that led me to make choices that only hurt me are down to practically nothing. Everything you mention in this article has been true for me. I had been powerfully addicted and stuck in the victim role and thought there was no way out. I had been avoiding doing this work on self my whole life and as you say, it just gets easier and easier. Thank you X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2012

      Hi Jane,

      I am so glad you are doing the inner work now (where the true healing CAN take place).

      You will find as your work through NARP and dissolving all the specific hooks in each MP3 healing that all of the emotional pain and charges will just get less and less and then no more.

      Which then releases you into a narc free life and reality!

      You are very, very welcome.

      Mel xo

  • Isla (UK)
    September 17, 2012

    Hello everyone,

    I had been with my Narcissist for 16 years, 10 years of which married. I had no idea why he was the way that he still is. He will never change as he thinks it is me that is mentally unstable not him. I have put up with the other women long enough. Although he tells me there is nothing in it just friendship. (And attention that i cannot give all the time due to the family).

    Thankfully, due to an error of judgement on his part(!), we separated in November last year. Although we still lived in the same house until April 2012 when the house was sold and we bought our respective new ones. For those five months he tried to ‘woo’ me back but i held fast and refused to go back to him. I had to be strong for the sake of our 5 year old daughter and our unborn son. These are what kept me going. No matter what he tried to do or say i ignored it as much as possible but sometimes had to pamper him to keep the peace. It was very difficult but because i knew that one day i could escape i kept the facade. He wouldn’t let go.

    I didn’t want our children to grow up thinking that they could treat others like that through their life. I want them to know what true love really is. My parents have played a big part in this as they never let me go! No matter what he tried to do they held on to save us. I will be forever grateful to them as without my strong mother i may never have escaped. He didn’t really like the bond that i shared with my mum, and she was too powerful for him. He couldn’t break us.

    I only found out recently that there was a name for him and his behaviour. A friend of a friend has gone through the same thing and she told me to look it up. That is when i found your website Melanie.
    Thank you so much. xxxxx. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am happy and smile a lot now. I still have my insecurities but i’m working on them and will get there in the end. I am stronger everyday. Although, now i am going through Divorce proceedings which will be tough because of the lies that he will tell to get what he wants. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 18, 2012

      Hi Isla,

      Thank you for your post.

      It is wonderful that you have seen the truth and you are taking responsibility for healing your life and empowering yourself by working on healing your insecurities.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • D
    September 18, 2012

    Please help :( I mailed ex N goodbye letter just over a month ago. We were together 3 1/2 yrs..i’m good friends w/the fam, spend most holidays there. Our ‘relationship’ was a total secret..im assuming because his fam likes me & he didn’t want them pointing out everything bad about him (alcholic, complete slob, rage issues, etc..his family wasn’t crazy about him at ALL) My question is..i’m one of those ppl that has to make everything ok. I specifically said several times in the letter please don’t contact me. I blocked him from phone, etc. I told him I felt abused (because I was) I feel like a pathetic loser..because I want to send him a bday card & just say hopefully there are no hard feelings because i’d like for us to be friends one day, at least civil on the holidays. As far as he knows, i’ve moved on, but btwn you & I i’m SO upset as my heart wasn’t ready for this. Something just told me no more. And it is sometimes desperately hard to keep up no contact. Please someone respond to this & tell me if it’s ok to send a card..I need advice & strength..thanks SO much for any response.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 18, 2012

      Hi D,

      The short answer is “No” – don’t send…TOTALLY.

      Mel xo

    • kate
      September 18, 2012

      Hi D
      If you feel the need to write a card, then write one. But don’t send it! Write it and pour your feelings out,then burn it or rip it into tiny pieces and trash it. Offer those words to the universe. Have a good cry and you will feel better!

  • Jac
    September 18, 2012

    Hi D,
    I suggest you email Melanie directly as she is the one to advise you-no one else, as she has the experience, hence her website. No Contact means exactly that and sending a card is ‘contact’. See video 1, 2 & 3 while you are waiting for her reply, it will help you understand what is going on with you. Please email Melanie. X

  • D
    September 18, 2012

    Thanks so much…i actually did email her not long ago & never heard back. I guess I could try again..
    Thanks again!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 18, 2012

      Hi D,

      yes please do email me again and I will look out for it.

      Please when you do keep your email as concise as you can. I receive hundreds every day and if they are too long it is impossible for me to have the time to decipher through them and reply.

      Mel x

  • Deena Ramirez
    September 19, 2012

    wow where to begin – I ended my relationship with my Narc yesterday. Ended it for like the 15th time. I too felt like if only he would give me one tiny caring gesture – a thank you card, a lunch, a flower, stopping by my work to say hello – anything that it would be worth continuing But no matter how bad our fights and even when he ACTED as if he understood what I was asking for and even when I thought certain THIS fight would compel him to finally feel some sense of remorse for me and trigger him to apologize or give me a card or bring me a cookie on his way to work ANYTHING – it never happened. Friday we had a day long text talk with me telling him the kind of communication I needed from him and him of course feigning acting like a normal person just to keep me in play. I even asked him after each point I would make if he understood what I was saying and where I was coming from better and of course he would say “yes”. When he probably actually hadn’t read any of it at all and was just rolling his eyes and humoring me to get me to shut up. Of course by Saturday the communications had fallen back to their old pattern of him ignoring me and responding only to what he deemed “relevant” to respond to. As he had described to me in the past. After all he is SOOOOO busy – how could I possibly expect him to respond to me immediately (and by immediatley, he meant within the same day). See he is the busiest most important man on the planet. I even made a list of all the things I did for him in the course of two years and then made a list of what he had done for me which was BLANK. He had not written me a note, a thank you card, bought me lunch or even a soda, or helped me in any way whatsoever. Nothing. I thought maybe seeing the visual might awaken him but no. Anyway I ended it again yesterday and what I feel today is a sense of what a sheer waste of investment the last 2 years were. I worked SO hard on this person who seemed shy and damaged and I thought if I showed him enough love and caring he would open up and become a decent person. I wanted to rescue him. I wanted to be the one he viewed as special – the one who showed him real love and healed him. (you see he was given to his grandparents to raise as a child and then he joined the service after 9/11 and fought in Iraq and Afghanistan) There was much healing needed. But no – When I said I had had enough and I couldn’t take it anymore the last thing he did was tell me I was so ridiculous it was sad and HE wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. He of course had to get the last dig in and make it seem like it was HIS choice to end this. He knew how to attack my character and hurt me with his judgements on me. I think I stayed because I didn’t want to throw away such an investment of time and energy and I didn’t want to fail my original mission and with every dig, I felt compelled to fight back and defend myself. I fell prey to every tactic and got sucked back in even as recently as this passed friday. As of this moment I consider it over. At least unless he contacts me again with yet another tactic that I fall prey to. I am trying to stay resolved and make this final.

  • D
    September 19, 2012

    Wow Deena!!! Sounds almost i d e n t i c a l. They are nuts & make us feel nuts trying to figure them out. The text issue was a pet peeve of mine. I finally started ‘saying’ I had made other wkend plans because i hadn’t heard back in 24 hrs. He raged like crazy at me saying how busy he was blah blah (ya get an hr lunch)but whatever. Anyway, keeping this short, I will tell you there is NO way I couldn’t broken up w/him in person or electronically & stuck w/it. He would’ve done the same thing & I would’ve thought I was the problem & tried to get him to stay w/ME. LOL..it’s the crazy making thing. So…this is what I did..not trying to give advice unless you want it :) I spent one last wkend w/him & made sure to look & be my best, sweetest self..so i’d have no regrets. I then wrote a letter telling him I could no longer be in this ‘relationship’..his not letting me speak & raging at me, drinking beyond comprehension, etc etc was just not acceptable. (He was also physically abusive but I didn’t mention that) my counselor (who i’ve had to spend torturous hrs with to heal or at least try to)proof read it for me & took out anything that all that would seem aggressive to him & set him off taking away from the beauty of the letter..meaning I tried to keep it sweet, yet get the point across. I asked him to plz not contact me..that I blocked his email, etc. I really didn’t know how, I just said I did it because i was petrified of how he’d respond. That it would crush me, whatever he said. I said at the end that the not contacting me was very important so i could get on w/the life I deserve. Now..I don’t think he’s tried contacting me but wouldn’t know since i’ve blocked him from my phones. I do know he must’ve been FURIOUS because he took me off gmail chat list..I guess to upset me because it’s something i’d notice. Which I did & it did bother me a little. The problem is my heart wasn’t ready :( I just knew he wasn’t safe & his drinking was awful..very sad. Such a smart brain but narcissistic & alcoholic, etc etc..his own family warned me he was insane. There were a few times I knew he loved me. We were together 3 1/2 yrs..i feel sometimes like a loser kinda sneak attacking him w/a letter. But it was the only way since I still cared for him. I may have also ended up getting hit if he didn’t want me to leave. The realllllllllly hard part is I spent most of my holidays w/his family & they all like me. Most of them didn’t know about us & now I know why. He prob didn’t want them warning me anymore than they already did. So I totally sympathize w/u. I was glad I got in one last good (good as it gets) wkend where he completely enjoyed my company, except for the 70% of it he was intoxicated. I think it’s the familiarity/habit of the toxic relationship that I ‘think’ i miss..it’s very addictive. The ONLY thing that keeps me from contacting him is the fact of my letter telling him not to. I’d make a fool of myself & lost all credibility w/him in the future. Besides..he waited 3 wks then went on match. Forgot to mention he’s a sex addict also..ugh. But he waited a few wks for me to crumple which i almost did. I just can’t wait for the day I don’t miss him. I wish u LOTS of luck. Hope this helps. Let me know how it goes for you!! xo

    • Kim
      May 31, 2013

      OMG! Mine was a flirt and sex addict as well. Craved the attention. Looking for the next boost for his ego! I sooooooooo relate to you. It’s like I have written most of these blogs. Lord help us all.

      • Jackie
        April 3, 2014

        Think this is Kim R, the narcissistic man I dated for 3 horrible yrs….he is an abuser in every possible way & finally is facing charges for his crimes! What a sicko…

    • jordan
      October 14, 2014

      D, your story is a mirror to mine.. how are you doing now? Have you lost those feelings of missing him? My N asked me to marry him after 3 months.. then created dating accounts while we were engaged. Then broke up. Then got back together. Time after time. I have been kicked out of his house every month for the past year, and my furniture has been moved in and out idk how many times. The only times he has ever admired that it’s his fault and he needed help was when I did not contact him. He knows that I will eventually every time. But what he promises is all lies. He is a cop, and ex marine so always said my life would never compare to his. I am scared for life from getting close to anyone in the military or who’s an officer.. this also let’s him get away with everything. Aftereading Mel’s article I am in the stage of trying to accept that there is no reason for why things happened, and accepting that he’s not a human being with a consious. I will never have closure from what he’s done to me. He was verbally abusive.. saying the wortime things you could possibly think of, mentally and emotionally. My health has gone downhill.. my confidence, they really do suck the life out of uou. Knowing all of this isn’t enough to keep you away from the N When you love them and are addicted to being treated that way. I’m praying this program will keep me away this time.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    September 19, 2012

    Ladies D & D,

    truly if you do want to heal, and you are READY to get out of the pain try this….and commit to it.

    http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

    Then that day of ‘not wanting to hurt’ will be exactly what you are lined up to create for yourself…

    But to get on that track you need to take action…

    Mel xo

  • Lee
    September 20, 2012

    Melanie, thank you for your very precise response to my post. Everything I have learned from you has resonated and helped me let go of baggage. . So LOVELY to find answered not just more questions. Yes I have work to do on finding my true self, and eventually love. The N abuse combined with Tuberculosis and a dump truck full of other life crises have me worn out. I am healing. I am not done, just taking a breather. A plateau. Want to be sure I can maintain this new calm center before I push through the next wall. Or are you saying I can keep plunging ahead, use the momentum?

  • Jac
    September 21, 2012

    Hi to everyone, Something I have mentioned just now on other articles is regarding Pets. When planning your escape, be mindful of how much our ‘fur kids’ suffer too from Narc abuse. They sense pain and stress inside us as well getting the abuse head on with the crazy Narcs. Animals are highly sensitive to trauma. Sadly I lost my little Madge to the stress and abuse she indured when I wasn’t around to protect her. It was before finding Mel and QF. Another reason to start working on ourselves with the healing before we leave and this also benefits our kids and ‘fur kids’ keeping their stress levels down as they pick up on our vibrations very acutely. Be safe. ❤

  • Jody
    September 27, 2012

    Has anyone been able to heal and find comfort and strength where you were able to be around your Ex-Narc on a social basis?? Peace!!

  • KP
    November 16, 2012

    i have been reading your posts and through your website. My problem is I feel I am stuck at a stage earlier than i need to be for all this to be effective for me.
    I believe that if i had to leave i would do so. However he has to leave. I asked him to do so two weeks ago. I got a nasty email then a heartfelt email followed by a long long talk after which we agreed to continue trying and go to couples counseling. I have been looking for someone to counsel us. He admitted to jealousy (intense) over my kids (not his kids – he has none) and took responsibility over much of what has transpired over the past year, which has been horrific for me emotionally. Just last night, he started in saying the same things he said about my kids before i asked him to go. I apologized for discussing his family situation because i realized i can’t expect more from him if i am judgmental. He called me on it then basically reverted to the same negative characterization of my kids. I could go on because it was so distressing to me but basically, i realized that nothing has changed. I really thought it had by his admissions. I believed maybe he wasn’t what i’ve thought and that i have played a bigger part in all this, resulting in his negative behavior due to the intense emotional climate here over the last many months.
    So. I cannot seem to end the relationship. I am stuck there. I need help with getting to an emotional state to end things but i need to do it with him present because i have not been able to separate physically, even knowing how bad this is for my kids (even tho they are unaware of what he says about them). Not sure if that makes sense at all. How do i get more emotionally healthy so that i can follow through asking him to leave is where i am stuck i think.

  • Priya
    November 20, 2012

    Hello there,

    I’m with my Narc since I was 16 (I’m 36 now) and came to understand his behavior since I discovered this blog. One year ago he bought a house at 160 km were we used to live. As we moved, I had no choice but to give up my “stupid” job as he called it (secretary work) because of the distance. I suffer from depression living here and feeling isolated. I would like to leave him. I have only 2 “friends” but they have narcissistic tendencies themselves. I find it very hard to trust them. One of them is in law school and has great knowledge. I wander if it would be wise to trust this person to ask advice concerning my divorce. This person will be leaving in January for 6 months to study overseas and I thought of asking him if I could rent his chamber for that period. I used to have feelings for him and told him so a month ago. But what I want is to live on my own since I realize I have to work on my vibration before entering a new relationship. Thanks for any advice.
    I wish strength to all of you recovering from narc abuse and thank you Melanie for your great work.

  • Rose
    December 14, 2012

    Dear Melanie,
    I have only discovered your site two days ago. I have been with a narcissist for the past four years, however I am aware that my father is a severe narcissist and always has been. What strikes me is the childhood beliefs or dialectics that we as the partner have are actually pure rocket fuel for the N partner. Every relationship therapy book i have ever read will not help me with this, and yet you have nailed it. There is no right way to approach the N, no mindful time or mood to acquire before you approach them with your needs. I have learnt that the inner child, or shall i say the permanent child that is the N, has one core belief ”what about me?”
    I recently found out that I am expecting a child to this man and at the age of 35 feel extremely blessed that i have conceived, however i fear for myself and my sanity. I already have a 13 year old daughter that has expressed that my relationship with the N has ”stolen years from her childhood”, thus you would understand my deep concern for my current child and the one that i am now carrying. I have removed him from my home by force, the police were excellent, as he was threatening me to swallow many tablets to abort our child or I was to let him stay in my home and emotionally abuse me i.e. feeding his ego and need to feel like a demigod. I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on my situation as i am quite lost and torn between what i know i deserve and what i know is real. Any feedback would be very much appreciated.
    Also should note that i am doing really well without him in the home, no more tears everyday and feeling less and less lethargy from constantly walking on eggshells. Trying to keep it up and absolutely seeing how much i can relate to everybody else’s feelings of guilt and shame for looking after myself for once.
    Much love and compassion to all,
    Rose

  • Robbie
    December 25, 2012

    Hello everyone,
    Yes there are a few of us about trying to deal and heal from this carnage. I am so grateful to have found this site and Melanie. People who really understand. I left my husband after 9 months of marriage and even after that short time (4 years in all ) my life has been fraught with pain and great confusion. I am healing, doing the hard work however there was one consequence of leaving that I did not consider. How viscous he would be. He has gone to all of the people that I loved and trusted and has completely shredded my reputation, my soul, my very being. He is a very clever man and believable and knows that the love for my friends and family is the most important thing to me. I now have to start afresh, finding new friends and fortunately the world is full of wonderous people. It has been extremely painful and difficult feeling ostracised. People don’t understand that its not just a normal break up . It’s hard to keep your dignity when the people you loved and trusted now think that you are inherently unstable. It’s a double whammy and it’s awful. I married the wrong person and I most definitely left the wrong person. Please be careful and be aware that this might happen if you are planning to leave. He ranted for many years about his ex wife being a paranoid, delusional, whack job now its my turn and I have a feeling that he will be relentless and go on for many years to come.
    In a funny sort of way it’s making me stand taller to rise above it, become even more independent and much more honest with myself and clear about what sort of person I want in my life. Please be careful, get your network sorted and make sure they understand what is REALLY going on BEFORE you leave.Otherwise you may end up with no one who either supports or believes you. Ostracism is a wicked and cruel thing to feel.
    My love and sympathies go out to all of you who are dealing with or picking up the pieces. Please try to not feel so alone and draw strength in the understanding that there are people who GET IT. Much love

  • Ivona
    January 4, 2013

    I too co-created a narcissistic relationship for 2 years and I’ve just gotten myself out of it. It was the most difficult thing I ever imagined I would have to do. I put myself through a series of narcissistic relationships after I was in a car accident in which I sustained a severe brain injury. I don’t know how much of my pain was so much the car accident as it was the abuse immediately after. After being stalked and harassed by N1 (Narc 1), I allowed him to become my friend. We worked together so it seemed like the best way to go, since I thought I wasn’t going to get any peace otherwise. I was naïve at the time. One night while riding in the car as a passenger, he asked if I would be his girlfriend. I told him, point blank, that I was not interested in being his girlfriend. The crash, of which I have no memory, happened after that moment. I was airlifted to the emergency room, comatose. I woke up after three days with no memory of anything.

    N1 started making his advances after that while I was not fully cognizant. I remember this only because I wrote it down. I had serious problems communicating with others, but I could write and take notes of things that happened. To this day I wouldn’t remember anything about those next six months without my personal scrawlings. I showed them to no one, because I simply felt alone, even though friends and family surrounded me.

    I ended up being N1’s girlfriend and honestly I don’t know how. There are some many horrible things that happened and I can’t write it all here – I could easily write a book piecing together my memories with my notes. I was terrified and frightened. As I started becoming more aware (my brain healing), the insanity started. N1 claimed to have attempted to kill me in that accident (I don’t know if that’s true or not). I would have panic attacks and N1 would punch me in the stomach for crying. I totally thought it was my fault. I bought him a new car to “make up” for the damage to his car because I was in it when he crashed it. I spent thousands of dollars buying gifts for this man I felt so sorry for. He felt guilty for nearly killing me, but I felt guilty for merely existing for him to nearly kill. He was brilliant, twisted and terrifying at the same time.

    At one point when I tried to leave, he had set fire to one of my project cars at my house (I was a mechanic at the time so I had several projects), but I could do nothing about it. I felt so sorry for him and was afraid to report anything. The police investigation was weak and turned up nothing. I didn’t point a finger at him. They would have figured it out if I just spoke up but I didn’t.

    To make a long story short, that relationship almost ended after he tried to stage an attack on me and his parents. I had made arrangements with N1 to take the last of my things away (I was leaving him). When I showed up he pretended to be nice – then he snatched and broke my cell phone, yanked me by my hair and pulled me into the house and locked the doors. He had cut off the land lines to the house, so he had premeditated this whole thing. He had a huge mallet in his hands and told me he was going to kill all of us and my animals (which were at my house). He also screamed that he was going to burn my house down, then screamed at his parents for “messing him up”.

    He started destroying things around the house in front of us, then for some reason ran out of the house to destroy my car. He smashed every window in my car as well as every panel (fenders, doors, trunk, hood, etc.). At this moment I ran out the back and through the woods to knock on the neighbor’s door and call the police. They came and by this time, N1 was in his car – they held him up at gunpoint but he wouldn’t stop. He almost ran over a cop. He was charged with Domestic Violence and a felony for nearly killing a cop, and a No Contact order was put in place to protect me.

    Here is where the story gets sick. I HAD THE NO CONTACT ORDER DROPPED. I blamed myself for the whole thing. Something in my head was really stuck. It took 2 years for my brain to heal but by this point, my healing brain had improperly healed.

    I’m not going to go into much more about this right now because this post is really long. With the help of Melanie, I have learned that I am completely co-dependent and I need to VERY seriously take care of myself. Since N1, I attracted a mild N2 (who I am still “colleagues” with and completely over, enough to be able to superficially communicate with him since we own properties together. We were together 6 years).

    Then came N3, who (after extensively abusing and brainwashing me as well) got me into a car accident in a rage. He ran the car off the road screaming in hysteria over something I said (I don’t even remember what) – I wasn’t even yelling back at all, I just quietly said “go ahead and keep screaming” and tried to ignore him. He slammed the car into a ditch and walked out of it, leaving me there on a desert road. I tried to chase after him to find a way to get home safe but he just ignored me and said “You went too far, you hit the breaking point” this time. I was in shock, because I had no idea what I did! I had numerous moments like this in my relationship with him, where it was ALWAYS my fault but I had NO clue what I did. I couldn’t comprehend it! I hitched a ride from some kind folks who pulled over to help us (he refused to get in the car, even after the kind couple very much welcomed him and tried to keep him from leaving me). N3 started texting me once I got 30 miles away, saying “You left me like a piece of garbage”. What??? He was the one who walked away from me, so I went and took care of myself. I still didn’t get it…then he called me later because a cop pulled over and was asking him what happened. N3 covertly asked me to lie to the cop to make it seem like an accident. So I DID! We met up again after he got a tow ride 50 miles out and it was honeymoon all over again.

    Honeymoon for a day or two. The pain, and panic, and terror that ensued even after that is more than I want to talk about. I was traumatized again after the car accident and I started having very real flashbacks of N1. Not that I wasn’t already getting them but they got really intense. I started to get horrible nightmares that N3 was going to take away my eyes and my voice. With the help of my friends, therapists, and Melanie I left. I am still in fear. He has texted me from unknown numbers (spoofing because I blocked him), but so far I think I am ok as long as I ignore them. I will be moving soon so he won’t know where I live. N3 had moved three blocks from me now, but the city is big so I never have to see him.

    The point is that if not for Melanie’s blog, healings and articles, I would never have realized that N3 was a way for me to come to terms with N1. These unhealed parts of me could never be accessed because with N1, my memory was so poor. I know some of you might wish to be able to forget what happened to you. That is the worst thing to wish for, I promise you. Your memories of the events are there for a darn good reason. Your memories help you learn HEALTHY FEAR. I am learning now not to be blind. N3 happened to me long after my brain had healed, but my emotions didn’t. N3 happened to me because I NEEDED TO REMEMBER WHAT I WASN’T ABLE TO. N3, which I would say was the most psychologically tormenting relationship I have ever experienced in my life, and in many ways worse than the physical threats and beatings I took with N1, happened because there was something for me to learn that I simply did not have the capacity to learn otherwise. Same goes for all of you who have repeatedly attracted people based on childhood events and traumas. I was just lucky enough to experience a re-developing brain as an adult, and I was just mentally capable enough then to document what happened.

    I am so grateful for everything I have now, and everything that I am. I am a strong, independent, capable woman, and at 32, I have many lives lived and a whole world to be part of. I am here to contribute, to love, and learn. My brain works as well as it can (haha), I am a technical manager, programmer, toy maker, dreamer, and a happy (but anxious and healing) geek girl. My memories are wisdom, and it is wisdom earned by loving wholeheartedly and from taking responsibility for my life. I am still codependent, and working through it, but I now get to use my huge heart to do GOOD things for the world. Just because we codependents have some difficulties doesn’t mean we have to be martyrs. Armed with wisdom like Melanie’s, we have the opportunity to be saints. No one has to die for someone else’s sins. We can truly live because of them.

    I’m a huge fan of Ze Frank. This funny guy did a project called Angrigami (http://www.zefrank.com/angrigami/about/index.html) where he had his audience make origami out of the hate mail he was getting for a different project he did called from52to48withlove. Ze Frank created something that unfortunately inspired political hate, and then turned it into more love. That is what I aspire to do. This is what Melanie has done for all of us.

    I leave you with a song that I am using to help me after the N3:

    Ze Frank, Chillout (link to song at the top of the page): http://www.zefrank.com/chillout/

    Peace and love,
    Ivona

    • Stormi
      April 7, 2013

      Thank you for this story and the song…it helped me

  • MyTimeIsNow
    January 24, 2013

    Firstly, your website has been a GODSEND! I have never known such pain as this relationship. At first, I didn’t want to believe that he was a narcissist but not only was he, he is also a narcissistic sociopath! To add insult to injury, he is a cousin by marriage. He is a classic casebook tale of a twisted individual who also has sexual perversions which I wouldn’t fully share which probably sped up the D&D process. I could go on an on but our “relationship” ended after one year and culminated in a physical altercation at his house – a two family flat in which he lives down stairs and his girlfriend lives upstairs (he told me initially it was his friend and that is what led to the fight once my spidey senses told me the situation was fishy and I started snooping around). Her sister broke up the fight and later told me so many “truths” and horrors that I still lie awake at night obsessing just how much I was deceived, gaslighted, manipulated, etc. Now, I have been in no contact for about six weeks. I must say wholeheartedly that this MUST be done if you are to have ANY hopes to regain your sanity and life. When you do, you MUST change your cell number if you can’t block numbers (if you don’t have kids together). If I wouldn’t have changed my number, I would have always been obsessing over why he wasn’t calling me. Admittedly, he has left me alone. That bothers me a little. Makes me feel like he didn’t care but every day I am getting stronger and that is all that counts – that is all that can be hoped for after someone like this thief comes and steals something so precious from us – a piece of our very souls. Stay strong my dear friends, stay strong. We are truly in this struggle together.

    • Kim
      May 31, 2013

      AMEN! Wow I can relate to this post as well.

  • Maria
    February 12, 2013

    I have left my naricissist almost 10 years ago. After 7 years of legal fights I realized that the only way to stop this is to “bribe” him, meaning to hand over the cash. I was fotunate to be able to do it, though it cost me huge amount. Despite it, it was worth it – I am free, productive, pursuing my interests and life is so much better. He however did not give up! I have resently made a mistake to e-mail request for contribution to education of his own child, as previously agreed. He used it immediately to project his hatred insisting to his children and friends that I am sending nasty harassing e-mails. My no-contact strategy is otherwise classified as “unable to communicate and resolve the problems”.
    What I found out that WHATEVER YOU DO, NARCISSIST USES IT AGAINST YOU. I am now totally silent and not responsive. I have given up his financial contribution obligation for his children. Legal action would be another way for him to torture me emotionally. His vindictivness and resentment is permanent. This is despite that he now lives with another financially successful woman. This does not mean that he is giving up his former victim!
    For me, even thoughts of him is the wasted time of my day. I am so grateful that I have removed this evil from my life!

  • Marina
    March 4, 2013

    Hello
    This is really helpful. I have been married to a narcissist for ten years and am just exhausted by the drama and upset. I have decided to divorce him. However, at the first meeting with our lawyers, I backed down and suggested we try counselling (again). I am so angry with myself. Nothing has changed, my husband is busy turning my 8 year old son against me, still shouts and swears at me in front of him, will have nothing to do with my 13 year old daughter (his stepdaughter). Tonight he told me that his friends had told him that I had only suggested counselling as a “scam” to take more of his money when it didn’t work. Logically I knew I was making a mistake but you are right, it is SO hard to leave when your buttons are being pushed. I feel abandonment and failure issues – how will I cope on my own, I will be alone for ever, what will people think, maybe I am mad/bad after all and he is as lovely as he looks etc! I sound mad writing this! Anyway it is so helpful to know that it isn’t just me, it takes a few attempts to leave and I have to man up and do it!

  • Veronica
    March 4, 2013

    I’ve recently “finished” my second narcissistic relationship…not so proud that I allowed myself to get into the second one, but I didn’t know previously what I know now…I only recently found Melanie’s website and resources and it has made all the difference in the world – I feel “armed” and much stronger and more powerful than after I left the first, which was excruciating (it was also a much longer relationship). I was SO addicted and the few friends I had just kept telling me to move on and once I started distracting myself with other things I would be OK. Instead I only got worse and attracted the second relationship. Now, after studying Melanie’s info, I know why things only got worse and that I was truly addicted to this person…and then to the second, too. Had I known this info after leaving the first relationship, I believe I wouldn’t have felt like it was my fault the relationship ended and I would have had more motivation and energy to start healing and moving forward. The problem is that I didn’t know what the answer was…and I certainly wasn’t going to the right people for the help I needed. I would suggest choosing a close family member or friend who is willing to be your “support buddy” while you get through the hardest part of your withdrawal from your narc relationship. You must “get over the hump” and having someone supportive who will be there for you can be a life saver! That way, whenever you feel like going back, calling, texting, etc…you can call your buddy instead to help you be strong and NOT get hooked! I kept reconnecting with the first one for months and it just made everything so painful. I was back to square one every time I reconnected. I did that with the second until I found Melanie’s website. Her info began to change my addictive behavior almost immediately! I also have a friend who happens to be on a similar path of healing and we connect almost every day to keep each other “in check.” Both men from my two narc relationships occasionally text or email me and at times I feel the pull to respond but instead I talk myself out of it and contact my friend. After discussing how doing that would be absolutely counteractive to my healing, I feel better and don’t have the urge to respond anymore. I can progress with the rest of my day, feeling confident and victorious. Every day that passes where you’re able to resist the urge to reconnect IS a victory! DO NOT FEED THE BEAST!

  • Renee
    March 6, 2013

    I recently ended what now know was an extremely narcissistic relationship. I am living proof that this can truly happen to anyone. I have always been strong-willed, confident, and independent. I am a professional. I am not the kind of girl you would expect to put up with someone who was controlling, impulsive, degrading, intimidating, and hateful on a regular basis. I never expected to be the victim of domestic violence…but I am.

    When I met my ex, he was very charming and fun. We had a lot in common and never argued. After being wrapped up in a whirlwind romance (which I now know is common with narcs), I gave him a key to my house. That is when everything changed.

    I now know that my ex started systematically torturing my beloved pet almost as soon as he had a key. He did this because he felt that my pet was coming between us and conspiring against our relationship. The vet suspected abuse when my pet suddenly started started having accidents and injuries, when he had never had these problems before. I wish I had known, but the narc never did anything to my pet in my presence, and I just couldn’t imagine anyone doing the things that he did. During this time, the narc was entirely non-supportive and he became increasingly cruel, as if he was mad at me for continuing to try to save my pet rather than just put him down. On my worst days, when I was already in tears, he would yell at me and hurt me the most. During a two-week period when my pet was unavailable to the narc, he became physically abusive to me. Granted, the assaults were not the worst I’ve seen or heard of, but things were escalating at an alarming rate. He admitted that he had an “anger problem” and promised to seek counseling and possibly get on medication. Of course, this promise was something that was to occur at a later date.

    Within less than a week of my pet coming home, after making some improvements at the vet, I had to put him down…because the narc had finally hurt him so badly that his quality of life was gone. The last conversation I had with the narc was the morning I put my pet down, in a conversation that ended with me hanging up on him because, despite me begging for him to please not argue with me that day because I had too much to deal with already, he just couldn’t stop. Soon after that call, I stopped responding to texts. After putting my pet down, I decided to take him out of town to bury him, only letting the narc know after he was at work and unable to stop me. For the rest of the weekend, I did not accept his calls and only rarely responded to texts. Due to a number of delays on my way home (my guardian angel protecting me), I did not make it home before he got home from work on Sunday night.

    I had been planning to end my relationship that night anyway, but I had no idea how badly that conversation would’ve gone. When I got home, the narc wasn’t there. As I was about to lay down for bed, I received a frantic call from my mom, telling me that there was a friend of the narc’s that I needed to talk to. This friend was so concerned with my safety that he called 411 to find my parents (they had a land line).

    When I called this friend, he told me that the narc had bragged to him about all of the things he had done to my pet. He also told me that the narc was absolutely irate about me not being home when he got home, and that he believed I was in extreme danger and needed to leave. Prior to me getting home, the narc had planned to park his car up the street and hide in my house with the lights off, and to catch me by surprise. I was apparently never going to do this to him again, and I wasn’t going to have the chance to.

    When I ran out of my house that night, I had only my purse, my gun, and my dog. I’m not sure that the narc’s intention was to kill me, but I believe it could’ve happened. At the very least, he was going to beat submission into me that night…but he never had the chance to.

    I now have pending charges against my ex, including felonies for what he did to my pet. I have also taken out a restraining order. Despite that, I have received numerous calls from a friend of his, telling me how much the narc loves and misses me, and how much he promises to change. Of course, he has all the time in the world now (he was suspended from work due to the charges), but rather than get help, he spends his time hanging out in all the places he thinks I’m going to show up. He apparently thinks that, if I would just talk to him for a few minutes, we could work this out.

    Due to the extreme circumstances of my case, I believe the leaving and no contact portions are a bit easier for me than for some of you. However, there are still times when I think back to the man I initially met, when things were wonderful. Thanks to this site, I now know the “why” in my situation. It has helped me tremendously just to be able to put a label on what he is. Every time, I think a tender thought, I have to remind myself of what he’s done. He’s not capable of change, nor does he really want to change. Any man who could sadistically and systematically torture a defenseless animal can do that to a human, and he did do that to my emotions. If a man is ever so angry that he is willing to beat you and possibly kill you, he will get there again. I have no doubt that, if I did ever take him back, I would eventually be punished for everything I’ve put him through, because he does not hold himself accountable for any of it. Instead, he blames the friend (who I had never met) for making the phone call. That friend saved my life that night, and I have decided that I will never be a victim again.

    Again, this is probably an extreme example. However, it shouldn’t matter whether the abuse is physical or emotional. None of us deserve to be treated like that. He caught me at a time when I was weakened by a need to be in a solid relationship. I was getting older and wanted to get married and possibly have children. Being alone forever was starting to scare me. That was his way in, and that is why I tried so hard to work it out. It scares me to admit it, but if it hadn’t been for what he did to my pet and what I now know he was planning to do to me, I probably would’ve held on longer. I probably would’ve bought his lies when we had the breakup conversation, and we probably would’ve maintained contact if he had actually moved out.

    Thank you, Melanie, for helping me to define what he is and to understand what that means. My one relationship with a narc killed my beloved pet and very nearly killed me. He will never feel remorse for what he did to my pet or to me, but he cares about what happens to him. If he doesn’t do this again to someone else, it will be only because of all of the pain he’s feeling now. I will not be his victim anymore, and I will never be anyone else’s.

  • Katherine
    March 7, 2013

    I read everything you say which makes complete sense…. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to heal myself?

  • Debra
    March 8, 2013

    Yes this was very helpful to read . My problem is he is my child’s father and “he tells me i will always be in his life” and “i’m not ever going no where .” help with is one PLEASE

  • CJM
    March 13, 2013

    Melanie,

    Your newsletters are a real life line – thankyou!

    C

  • Adam Yates
    March 16, 2013

    Hi all. I am a male who grew up with a father who is all that we are identifying here. Now I am 43 and have only recently found this kind of information though I had worked much of the dynamic out for myself over such a long period. I was astounded to read my life story out of a ‘text book’. I am so happy my experiences are not evidence of mental health problems as it has been portrayed for over two decades. I thought it was my own fault for choosing to invent a rollerskiing device which can be viewed an unorthodox activity by such ignorants. (www.corski.net) I now see how many people have been hurt by him in this sinister mind game over the years. I’m at the bottom of the mountain currently though I do have some great things going for me. I came across the book ‘Dispelling Wetiko’ by Paul Levy and this says that divine creation comes out of evil. Without such experiences how would we know any better? Thankyou all for speaking out, has been revelational to me xxxxxxxxxx

  • Michele
    March 16, 2013

    wow amazing how many posts here. stay strong and dont let the N let you think he has the upper hand. I finally left of my own accord. He has no power over me. I chose to let it go! for once he is not even trying to get me back. I truly believe it is because I let him go. Every thing Melanie says is right. No contact, my N showed up at my work one day because he had no other way “to drop off my mail”. I smiled and politely said thank you and nothing more. I was surprised a few days later I saw a woman and him in traffic and was indifferent. do the work. It will help. xoxo
    Michele

  • Anita
    March 28, 2013

    I honestly wish that I had found Melanie a couple of months ago, when I was dealing with ex narc coming back, professing how much he has changed, treating me like I always wanted to be treated…
    Well, enough to say that I was mistrustful in the beginning, and the moment I started trusting again, the moment I believed that this person has indeed changed ( yeah, I know how naive that sounds ;)) he flaunted his new girlfriend in front of me and then disappeared completely… I was shocked, broken,astonished I tried justifying his actions, I was in denial and just couldn’t believe it.
    Well, now it all makes perfect sense.
    Knowing then what I know now I might have spared myself a lot of pain. On the other hand I am grateful for that heart-breaking experience as it just confirmed who I have been dealing with.
    I am rather an analitical person and hate when I can’t understand things – the knowledge set me free in a way, I stopped obssesing, my white-blindening fury I felt towards him disappeared. I am proud and happy with my progress, but I know there is still a lot to heal.
    All those tactics mentioned are true.
    Many thanks to Melanie for sharing those information and experiences. You are a lifesaver :)
    And thanks to everybody for sharing as well :) I feel I am not alone :)

  • Tobefree
    March 30, 2013

    All of your posts have been really insighful. I have come to the point where i truly want to leave my narcissist spouse yet the fear paralyzes me. I dont know how to find it in me to get out. He will be going out of town soon and i fear that if i leave while he is gone it will be worse. I fear him alot becuase he is a violent person. Or should i just not care about what happens after i leave?

  • Sayida
    April 4, 2013

    Wow. Now I finally understand why I feel so good when my N. is good to me, and why it hurts so much when he ignores me. My father took my older brother and sister and left my mom and myself when I was 4 years old. I was the last child left at preschool and no one came to pick me up. I was crying and very upset. Now I understand why I feel addicted to my N. He just broke up with me (after 3 years of our on and off relationship), and it is so difficult to remain strong and stay away because I’m sure he is going to try to get back with me again. This really helped me understand why it is so hard for me to let the relationship go. I understand now that I need to heal this hurt in myself caused by parental abandonment. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

  • Stormi
    April 6, 2013

    It’s been 10 days since I talked to my N and the only thing really keeping me from contacting him is this website. I’m sure he’s shocked that I am not contacting him. It’s really scary that these articles sometimes describe word for word what happened in my relationship. Although it sometimes gives me chills, it helps to realize what I was experiencing was just a phenomenon and not real love. I think what I’m struggling with most at this time is that people around me don’t understand quite how debilitating this experience can be…my symptoms are much like PTSD. I’m able to numb myself to it but I have about 3-4 huge panic attacks a week where it all comes flooding back. Sometimes I don’t know how I’ll be expected to continue my school and work obligations. I think my family and friends think I’m being dramatic…so although I don’t wish for anyone to be hurting like I am, I am thankful that I found people who have first hand experience and won’t consider me just “dramatic.” My N set out to make me feel as though I was losing my mind, and 10 days later it is not easy to convince myself that I am not absolutely psychotic. Also, one of my worst fears (unhealed parts) is that I hate the thought of being discarded as if I was nothing. So of course he is not saying one word to me and is moving on with other women. It’s hard to just accept that you’re not going to change something…and to quietly pick yourself up without any closure. But I also know that’s the only way I’m not going to completely lose myself. Thank you everyone for your stories, it’s helping me from making my story a tragic one. I hope to post again someday when I feel stronger, when I don’t constantly feel like I could crumble.

    I’m choosing to have some faith and hope.

    • Kim
      May 31, 2013

      Word for word for word I am there with you. It’s like we all have been married or dated the same individual. We just call him “N”. The hurt is unbearable and takes my. Breath away at moments. So much luck and prayers to you. To me, to all of us.

  • Maria
    April 7, 2013

    I think you are incredibly insightful and I thank you.

    Is it common that the narcissist traits are shared? I mean, I question weather I am the narcissist sometimes, although your explanation of how we can react to their behaviour describes a lot of my interactions.
    Five years and left him more than 12 times…running out of energy and closing in on confusion.

    I thank you for the glimpses of clarity.

    What you are doing is so truly important.

    • alief
      May 25, 2013

      Hi Maria, I’ve been wondering the exact same. I worry because I sometimes see traits that I have myself. Have you figured it out yet?
      Perhaps it’s yet another narcissist tool to make the other feel like he/she is the narcissist… mind blowing though? I suppose one of the characteristics of a narcissist is to never acknowledge their own narcissism, which by definition would mean we’re not, but are only afraid of being one?

  • Maria
    April 7, 2013

    I think you are incredibly insightful and I thank you.

    Is it common that the narcissist traits are shared? I mean, I question weather I am the narcissist sometimes, although your explanation of how we can react to their behaviour describes a lot of my interactions.
    Five years and left him more than 12 times…running out of energy and closing in on confusion.

    I thank you for the glimpses of clarity.

    What you are doing is so truly important.

    So this is money making….bit of a disappointment but understandable, I guess.

    Unfortunately, it’s often the narcissist who has money

  • Selina
    April 8, 2013

    Hi everyone , I want to say thank you to Mel and my work mate who gave me your website . I do not know where to start…. My relationship with N is for 5 1/2 years and out of theses we were married for 4 years. No kids ( lucky me; it is hard enough with our having a child involved in the relation) . It was a long distance relation fir 1 1/2 and then marriage … I know him being livable and loving life…. As soon as we start living together … He is different person, I do not see anything that untested him, he is jealousy and controlling… He is deep and unpredictable every move is calculated…. When ever we had a fight he will be crying and begging for forgiveness and after he got me back not even a week the same thing will happen again. There was many times that I felt I am losing my mind… Won’t function like normal in the next day. He always tells me my problem , I am controlling , I do not like when he is happy , do and so forth .
    Anyways it has been 11 days since I left him with no contact he tried to contact me a couple times , thankful a work mate gave me Mel’s website and start reading the day I left him so in a way it help me to see clearly and to be aware with what kind person I am dealing with. It is so hard just to stop the attachment ( addiction ) just like that… Today I was feeling lonely and start crying seeing all I dream and fight for the last 5 years went in a bin. It was right timing as if Mel knew what was going in my mind :)
    I have loved and cared for this guy so much and even 2 month ago I have rented a house to leave him and he got all emotional and as always he told me he will sucide if he loses me, he will seek help to fix all the problem / and also i want the maried life and want to make it real and fix my martiage /then I decide to consider the couple counseling … He was accusing and bleming me for everything that happened in the marriage and try to convinced the counselor than fixing the marriage …. I have mentioned he manipulate me by saying he will sucide made him mad and after we left the counseling session he to me he does not want the relationship any more and I asked him 2 more times so he will not have excuse to say ” I was angry” or anything because it is what he always give md excuse after he I silt me or told me that he want a divorce since we start living together. Anyways after 2 days he called me and ask me to forgive him and continue counseling and I made it clear to him I am done and after the last day we spent in a couple counseling it help me to see few things clearly … Anyways after 11 days since I left him… And tring to find myself and my life back I am totally became different person because of him . It is to early for me to say I got all my life sorted but soon it will all be a history .
    God bless you Mel for all the help . Just like others when I see your email in my inbox I get so exited as if closets friend who can understand , feel my pain will equipped me with more knowledge .
    Thanks so much !
    “Even this will pass” this is what keep me going when I am in rough time !

  • Suzanne
    April 14, 2013

    Well it’s been a few months of ups and downs and false steps and turns but finally I think I am changing to the point where I am really healing some of my childhood hurts at their core. I am truly shocked at how I become overwhelmed with grief at times since the break-up and at how frightened I get when I have the opportunity to engage with activities outside my home and have these feelings of wishing that I was dead and not having to feel the pain that I feel. I thought that when I terminated my relationship with my ex-boyfriend that it would all be over. I have to force myself at times to go to activities that I love such as dancing because I have lost my confidence. I have avoided places where my ex-boyfriend might be. I was able to maintain ‘No contact’ for quite some time then unexpectedly bumped into him and got treated like a long-lost friend. It was crazy-making! He always starts out charming and delightful and reverts to form within a day or so. I have been seeing a counselor and also seeing a kinesiologist since I terminated my relationship with him at the end of 2012. I discovered some hidden patterns of my grandmother who waited for my grandfather to ‘give her something and take her out’ during their marriage. He never did until the day she died aged 74. Seems like I took that pattern on. I discovered that with my ex-boyfriend I suffered constant disappointment and being let-down every time he agreed that we would do something together. He always bailed at the last moment leaving me feeling utterly let-down and disappointed. Another big pattern is one where my mother never said ‘No’ to anyone who asked her for a need to be met if she had the ability to meet that need. Seems that I took that pattern on as well. I do the same thing although I am now thinking first about whether the request is in my own best interest and then responding accordingly. Then my father died when I was really young and he was never able to offer me physical affection or deep connection and empathy. Took that one on as well. So my N ex-boyfriend embodied all these patterns and it was very painful to experience the unmet longing for attention with him that was never forthcoming no matter how patient I was or how much I asked. I am realising that my needs are fine and it is his inability to meet those needs. Finally I am not taking his behaviours personally. It still hurt but I realise that my needs are normal and one day there will be someone who is capable of meeting them. Each week as I have had sessions with the kinesiologist we have been dealing with all these old patterns and I am getting freer and freer. I am still not there yet and am surprised at all the grief that almost overwhelms me at times. The other strange thing is my realisation that I have a fantasy person from whom I hope to receive the love I deserve and the real man who I related to for a year and a half. The fantasy man will always be loving and kind and care about me and the real one in my home was just awful. I am at least able to see the two side by side in my mind now and realise that the one who was in my home is the real one and can never be the one who will meet my needs. When I feel really desperate and have ideas of contacting him,or feeling the grief and loss, I am very fortunate to have some wonderful counselors on a domestic violence phone line who are very generous and have invited me to contact them whenever I feel the need to reach out. They encourage my every effort to grow and get freer and acknowledge that I have all the insights I need and am on the right track with what I know about the reality of my ex-boyfriend. I feel calmer at the end of the call and since I have terminated my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, my focus has been on healing and self-nurture. I am also saying a clear ‘No’ to everyone and everything that is coming into my life that does not reflect my values and who I am. Recently a colleague asked me to carry a paper to a class since I was headed in that direction. I would have previously said ‘ok’ and resented it. This time I just said, ‘No, I’m loaded up’ and walked on. I noticed that she huffed and rolled her eyes and realised that I felt scared whenever people have done this before. I felt empowered by the way I responded this time. I feel different and am enjoying the peace and safety of my home now my ex-boyfriend is no longer in my life. I realise that I am very vulnerable to his approaches and understand that I need to keep ‘No contact’ as a part of my life. Any contact sends me back to square one and the grief cycle starts all over again. The other thing I’ve realised is that many people on this site talk about how they suffered sleep deprivation. One thing I noticed is that my ex-boyfriend would wander around the house very late at night and cook and do things that made me anxious and kept me awake. It was also a way of avoiding intimate contact since he would not come to bed until very late. That was very painful! So now I am getting all the sleep I need and my work focus has improved and I am mostly feeling better despite all the grief I am feeling. Thank you Melanie for your site and all the help you have offered through it. I think I am getting there with my healing although I still feel very fragile and vulnerable. Thank you.

  • Anne-Marie Winter
    April 18, 2013

    OMG! Everything I am reading is my life. I suffered from sleep deprivation because my N would be up and down all night, come to bed late etc. It got so bad my doctor put me on some very powerful sleep meds for the last 8 years.BUT I thought it was because I was a light sleeper, therefore I HAD THE PROBLEM.
    My N also has addiction and obsession issues, porn, internet chat, collections of planes, food, workaholic, the list is endless. It was all avoidance of me, there was no intimacy but he did not care because he was getting what he wanted from elsewhere. I beat myself up so badly and kept trying to change me. I became obsessed with him and stopped caring for myself.
    My turning point was last year when my marriage and work life ended up mirroring itself. I was working for a N and after standing my ground with my N boss, he threw a vase at me and I walked out. Thats when I realised there was something very wrong going on in my life and I had to do something about it.
    Three days before Christmas after having another attack from my N husband, I got on the web and googled co-dependant, that led me to another website. I thought aha! addictions……..been there before I came along and has been there all through the marriage. I started to attend the meetings but it just was not putting all pieces into place, however it was helping me.
    In February I left my N, he acted out when I went to a friends house in the most hurtful way he could and did not hide it. Of course the next day I confronted him only to have him turn around, lie, admit then deny then tell me it was all my fault and then he got drunk and became even more vile spewed such contempt towards me. Inside I broke to the reality this is not going to stop or change, it was driving me crazy…NO MORE. I quietly got my bag and coat and left for my friends house. He was sat in the armchair swinging his legs like a 3 year old, quite content with a smirk on his face, did not care. I was done!
    It took him 3 days to figure out I was not home, he did not care where I was, I filed for divorce. I had no contact with him for a month and then my lawyer told me I had to move back in due to legalities and finances. It has been horrendous.
    Finally I saw a shrink that has been working with my family over the last 3 years and she told me to look up personality disorders.
    WOW! It led me to you Melanie, the final puzzle piece came into place and for the first time in my life EVERYTHING was making sense out of this insanity I have lived with.
    I have a very long road to travel, the loss is overwhelming. My relationship started off with lies, he even lied on the marriage certificate, was lived as lies but it is now ending on truth and knowledge, no more hiding, I SEE = AWARENESS
    Thank you so much, I believe this site is saving my life.

  • Emily
    April 18, 2013

    Thank You so much for all this information I can not get enough. I was married to NPD for 10 years and yes he almost killed me. I got free lost everything. I got my life back even better then before and fell for another NPD. I just broke it off with him. I see a counselor still from being with one now I am going back. The thing is he didn’t win this time the new NPD. But he is still out there. He goes to the same church, I void him like the plauge!!!!! No eye contact noithing! I know his next step is to bring another women around in front of me to say look at me!!! Wrong I will shake her hand and tell her thank You !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thank you for this web-site it has meant a lot to me.
    Emily

  • Rachael
    April 19, 2013

    By divine intervention I came across Melanie’s information last weekend. I am now ready to leave my abuser. For 9 years I have been suffering emotional abuse at his hands. He does not have a good relationship with his mother, who I also think has NPD.
    Last Saturday I came home from work to the usual bombardment of complaints…. I had dropped something down the kitchen cupboard, I am scruffy, dirty, lazy, haven’t done the job he asked me to do… Blah blah. I literally stood and laughed at him. Because I finally get it! He was the confused one for once. I can honestly say that I do not think anything he says to me will make me cry again.
    Currently I am being punished. He hasn’t spoken to me all week. But it’s nice because he is not shouting or slagging me off.
    His favourite put down is that I’m lazy, I work full time as a care worker, I am also studying for a part time degree and raising my teenage son. It used to hurt, but now I am feeling stronger. He is not supportive of any of these things I am doing. Now I see he is not getting all my attention and he hates that!
    It says in some of these articles that the abuser may show ‘some of these’ behaviours. My abuser has ‘all of these’ behaviours.
    I have felt like I am going mad. I have cried and cried … And cried. But no more.
    Thank you Melanie.
    When my coursework for uni is complete, and I have taken my son on a well deserved trip in a few weeks I am going to leave. Taking half the savings with us. I may lose my house, but I will no longer lose my mind.
    The thought of it sends me in to panic, I’m shaking even now. But I have to save us from this nightmare.
    Lets just hope he keeps ignoring me until the time comes.
    It’s a relief to know I am not alone xx

  • Gerda
    April 23, 2013

    Hi Melanie
    My son has been in a relationship with a N for six years(not married) however only recently were able to put a name to her irrational behavior. He literary fled his house over Easter after a 5 hours long abusive stint. He has still not been able to face her alone, however has to interact with her as they have a 2 yr daughter. She is using her as a tool to continue her controlling and stranger than fiction behavior, which he is putting up with for now untill they get a children’s court date. In the meanwhile she is bombarding him with letters, calls and mails in attempts to get him back as she is “completely oblivious as to the cause of it all”…. I am confident that he will see the process through.. I do find your blog extremely helpful and have passed all the helpful hints on to him… I truly hope he gets sole custody as i fear that my grandaughter may suffer the same fate.. I belief the ex’s dad has NPD, the reason why the mom left, and even left the country… Which did not do my son’s ex any good either….It is sad that people should go through this, and unless you have an amazing support structure may be sucked back into that sole destroying behavior…
    I would like to know however how we (moms, dads & sisters) should interact with the ex, as we are distrustful of her…
    Kindest regards…

  • Pam
    April 29, 2013

    My daughter is in a relationship with a narcissist. I have downloaded the books and have given her them to read after I read them. She is an intelligent person but makes bad choices. There have been many serious episodes in her time with this man, the latest one ending with her spending the night in a police cell because he took her car keys and when she got in the car to try and get them back he started to drive after he had been drinking whereby the police tried to pull him over and he decided to try and get away with my daughter still in the car. He crashed the car and then jumped into the back seat and told her to get in the driving seat. I cannot understand why but she did and when questioned by the police he said she was driving. I don’t know what to do to help her get away from this evil man she is a good person but has upset the whole family because of her actions. I know this is not the normal story you read on this site but I needed to see if I could get other parents perspectives on their children’s relationships with narcissists and if anyone can give me any advice on how I can help my daughter as I am desperate.

  • Amy
    April 29, 2013

    I am just starting this process and have a long way to go. We are still under the same roof and have 2 children which makes NC challenging. Thank you to all who have forged a path for me to read about and try to follow. You all are my angels right now and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  • michele
    May 12, 2013

    I’m literally on my way to turn in an application for a house.. My stomach hurts and i’m afraid. So I looked up how to leave a narcissist and this page popped up! Super thankful it did

  • Jennifer
    May 13, 2013

    Does anyone have experience with a N for a brother or sister? I am learning so much from all of the comments and information, but my situation is different being that my brother who is the N. Although most of the abuse and attacks are the same as with an Ex-partner, there is a lot of differences and I just want to hear some other comments of people’s experiences and I will share my story soon.

    • Jayne
      May 22, 2013

      Hi Jennifer, I too had N father, 2 sisters and brother who was displaying similar traits. I realised I was trying to belong to club that I would never be a full member of and so I sent them all a letter, (The same one to each) and decided on no contact and have not seen them for 8 years. Peace. Unfortunately I have had an N relationship for 4 years and an N marriage which I ended 6 weeks ago. It is hard coping with it all, the flashbacks, cravings for contact, head mashing invasions of my mind, the loss of the dreams I had etc but each day will heal me a little more I hope and I will buy the NARP programme when I can. Thank the universe for sending me to Mel. xx

  • Natasha
    May 13, 2013

    I left my N, of 10 yrs just over 7 weeks ago. I knew if I didn’t get out, one of us were leaving in a body bag. He tormented me and my poor kids so much. It took me just over 2.5 months to get out though, as he made sure I never had any money . But I have to say, the one thing he taught me was to be two steps ahead of him. Once I made the decision to go, it was like the universe opened up and directed me. And I did everything with a lot of forethought. He was quite predictable and I knew that he never expected me to leave. I started having big clean ups and I imagined what I would take if I suddenly had to leave. I was so desperate to go that there were really only a couple of things like photos, documents etc that I knew I couldn’t leave without, the rest, I knew were replaceable. As long as I had my kids, my sanity and those few things, I knew we would be survivors and victims no more. So I became really ruthless and cleaned out cupboards etc while he wasnt home. I collected all the items that were non bargaining items and started siphoning my belongings out of the home. A bag here, a box there. I made photocopies of all legal documents for when it came time to seek a solicitor and I prayed my little heart out. But don’t worry, I had days and nights of fighting my inner voice and telling myself I was crazy and that it wasnt that bad, until we went to counselling for one last go. He was pleasant until I started talking about him and then he turned on me. He swore, yelled and blammed me for everything. He didn’t listen to a thing I said and the session was canned after half an hour due to his behaviour. I walked out of there in disbelieve and shock. And the first thing he said to me was, you need to do some shopping, we have no food. That was the last thing on my mind. I was stunned. Until i realised what he had done. He had turned it all back on me to take the emphaises off himself, and he didnt care what he had to say to do it. Meanwhile the whole time was spent defending myself. All of what Melanie writes about resonates with me and stirs up a miriade of emotions. This has been the most helpful information I have ever read and I have to say I have wanted to call him, I have wanted him to tell me I was a good person and I still am. But when I get past feeling sorry for myself, i remember that don’t need him to validate me. I have such a better understanding of him than I think he has of himself and I’m not going to give him the pleasure. I also opened up and took all the help I could get. I linked in with a DV support group and started talking to family about what was going on. My family were and still are to this day my biggest support people and I accessed a counsellor whom I continue to see each week. I left with very little and had to start again and rent while he lives in our family home with all of our beautiful furniture and flash cars. But he can have it. I know those things don’t keep me warm at night and my children are different kids, we laugh, we talk about our experiences, but we don’t sit in them. We have movie night every Friday night with pizzas and we’re spontaneous. We no longer walk around on eggshells and each night at dinner we each take a turn to express what it is we’re grateful for. It hasn’t been easy and us women need to find help and support. And at the end of the day, when i would sit in the still of the night and have a cry or reminise about how my life should have turned out, this is when I realised that for me to get over this and work through it, I needed to feel every aching part of it, alone. I call my mum and she would set me straight and remind me that he was just trying to get at me. And she is always so right. It hasn’t been easy and I suffer from anxiety as a result and find myself having an episode when I’m out, and wanting to rush home cause that’s where I should be(according to him) Not out having a good time. But I’m aware of these and am able to deal with them a bit better each time. And if I get that feeling in my stomach, I tighten up my stomach muscles and stand really tall. I do meditation and take some time for me. I have a great job working with women and i love being empowered and helping to empower i would love to start a support group and help to educate women and young girls and i know again, the universe will open up for me once i set my mind to it. So thank you Melanie for all this wonderful information. Knowledge is definitely power. I always knew there was something not right and your emails and updates help me immensely to stay on track. When I think of this man, it’s like I don’t even know who he is anymore. And I don’t want to know him. Life is good, but can only get better. Peace, love and happiness forever. xxx

    • Jayne
      May 22, 2013

      Well done Natasha, keep strong. I told my N to leave on 16/4/2013 and so I know these early days are difficult and filled with fragility and temptation to break no contact but with others out there helping each other as we all are thanks to Mel. It will get easier. Keep strong. Jayne. x

  • Jeanie
    May 16, 2013

    Hi your daily emails help me so much…thankyou. I have been maintaining the No Contact rule which has been helping my recovery. He has not contacted me either…Im getting the usual silent treatment, which this time isn’t tormenting me but helping me to focus on myself. However, he has his belongings stored in my garage, I want these gone how do I go about getting this without breaking the No Contact rule….any ideas would be appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2013

      Hi Jeanie,

      that is great that you are upholding NC.

      A third party, or simply getting someone to drop off his stuff for you would be the answer…

      Totally!

      Mel xo

  • Leonie
    May 17, 2013

    I am in the starting process of seperating the N in my life. I cannot say enough how wonderful your emails, books & FB group are. I am to scattered to write much now, but I’m sure as I heal more the clarity will come back. Blessings and love to you all.

  • Jeanie
    May 17, 2013

    Hi Melanie

    Thanks for your reply, its not as easy as that as there is too much stuff including appliances in there! Maybe I will just have to wait until he makes contact and then unlock garage and go out so as I don’t see him or engage in a conversation. Once again let go of what I want, by maintaining no Contact is more beneficial for my sanity! I can’t thank you enough for the insite to this madness, after reading your information this has enabled me to see being reactional was feeding him. So lovely to have the strength to focus on me and can honestly say this time (there has been 12 splits in 2.5 years! He was counting not me….says it all really ) I have the knowledge and strength to move on and live a true life x

  • Kel
    May 19, 2013

    I was discarded by him, about 8 weeks ago, I have not made any contact whatsoever, blocked him from FBook etc…incredibly hard, but don’t feel like another emotional/verbal hiding. I think a couple times he pranked called – however NOT ONCE has he ‘come back’ – no doubt he has plenty of supply but I want to know if eventually without a doubt they do come back even if they do have supply???

  • alief
    May 25, 2013

    I just emailed you mistakenly! I should have left my comment here. Please feel free to copy-paste it!!
    I just wanted to react to your question regarding suggestions of how to stay away from the narcissist and resist temptation, apart from working on inner healing and strength. I’ve found that what helps me is to make myself sit down and write about a nasty conversation we’ve had and how it made me feel. I list the awful things he’s thrown at me. I don’t reread, I just write them down again, sometimes new ones will come up. I think doing his, repeatedly, eventually helps internalize the (already available) rational understanding that he is not the right person for you…
    x

  • Kim
    May 31, 2013

    Need a like button.

  • David
    June 11, 2013

    I split up with my now ex about six months ago. At the time she shared an abusive post on Facebook for all to see. Since then on visits to the house she locked me in a couple of times because I wasn’t willing to stand and argue, on another occasion she punched me. I finally got out and clear and got my own place and am in therapy. Even now I am getting texts from her telling me how much she loves me, that she recognizes her errors, how nobody will ever love me like she did and that I don’t and can’t have ever properly valued what I am leaving behind.

    Yet, I heard all these promises before and I moved back in a couple of times only to see little or nothing change. Even now I am defending her actions and my friends and family think I am mad for sticking up for her. I still have to have contact to go through our divorce, in which she’s demanding three times as much money as I actually have . . . any advice on how I can protect myself and get her out of my head would be very much appreciated because I keep finding myself tempted to believe that this time it could be different and this time she could change.

  • Eileen Hall
    June 18, 2013

    I found you today when I needed help most. It is great to know i’m not alone.

    I divorced my narcissistic husband last year after 40 years of marriage. I am frazzled, mentally, emotionally and physically. He’s a charming, well know sports person and no one knew what was happening at home. I became so ill and desolate that I had planned my funeral. That was the only way I thought I could find peace.

    I only discovered he was a N after a year of therapy to reclaim my self-esteem, heart and sole. He nearly destroyed me. Fortunately my son who is 37 understands his father well and distances himself. I’m so pleased he hasn’t been affected.

    Today I was looking for a way forward. He is still constantly in my mind. I went No Contact a week ago. I must stick to this for any,hope of being a,normal person again.

    Like many other partners of N’s I am a strong woman, well qualified, capable. I’m still struggling to understand how I tolerated the abuse for so long.

    For anyone reading this. Do not waste your life, health and happiness by delaying getting away for the N. You cannot help them – but you can protect yourself by RUNNING as fast as you can !,,, and don’t look back because he will be waiting for you.

  • Fred
    June 23, 2013

    Thank you so much for your post. I know it’s been a while since it was written, but it has helped me immensely. I have decided that I will leave (after 27 years of marriage and horror), I just need to keep reading things like this to remind myself I am making the right decision. I am in the planning stages now, because I want to make sure I have everything ready for when I leave: job, finances, room and board.

    I just have to be careful, now that I have made my decision. I can feel my mind being tricked. I feel so much better for making the decision to leave that it’s making me believe that things at “home” are actually better. However, I know that nothing will change and that what I am feeling is just the relief that my frustration will finally be dealt with. I have made the decision and I will go through with it. Thanks again for your wise words.

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    July 5, 2013

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  • Patricia
    July 14, 2013

    Thank you for this information you have shared!
    After 15 years of being divorced from a 2 decade marriage to a narcs I find myself still being abused by him. He was emoitonally, verbally and psychologically abusive. He was 24 I was 17 when we went on our first date, in fact it was my 17th birthday. He knew my family history enough that I was not wanted, that my life had been in turmoil since birth. He proposed on on first date. He pushed me so fast to move in with him and start a life that wintin 1 month of our first date we were moved in. My parents loved him bc all they could see is Phew…she is out of our hair and life now, somebody else can take care of her.
    I won’t go into the dynamics of my childhood but suffice it to say that it was not normal nor healthy.
    Even after all these years of divorcing he still reaches out to hurt me with random text messages and emails. We have one child who is now 26. The exe has done everything he could to mess my childs life up becuse of his selfish narcissistic ways. Well, after all these years he has succeeded in turning my son against me. The stories I could tell are horrific and would actually make a compelling movie. One that I think a lot of men and women could relate to.

    I just want to say I wish I had known of your work when I made my decision to finally leave my exe. Thankfully I was strong enough and intellecutally wise enough to know that the no contact rule is how you go about doing this!

    To this day I seek support and thearapy for not only the 3 plus decades of continued abuse from my exe but my mother and stepfather.

    I am blessed in one sense, I now have a wonderful man beside me who tries to help me along this path of recovery and understands the pain as best he can. When he no longer can relate he just holds me when I can longer hold it togther myself. His family has been a Godsend as well, and I count myself blessed that in the last 1/3 of my life I get to be happy on my own terms!

    To everyone out there who is battling this pain and existence, know there is a better tomorrow and you are not alone, insane or deserving of the abuse and mistreatment.

    You are not alone, you are a survivor and one who can overcome to a better life than ever imagined!

    Namaste

  • Angel
    July 16, 2013

    I am planning my escape and acting as if everything is fine with my N. I feel bad for being fake and yet because of this website, I am finding the confidence to do this.

    He threatened suicide before he would “pay me a penny of support.” We have been married 8 years and the California divorce law will take care of me.

    This article really hit home for me. I just ordered the recovery program and I can’t wait to listen. I want to leave and that is good but the hardest part is that I still like him when he acts nice. So weird.

    I went to look at a room today. I am proud of myself for taking action. I could be moving soon and it will be a shock to him as I am acting as if everything is fine.

    Thanks Mel for this information. This Angel wants to fly free.

  • Aradia
    July 28, 2013

    My biological father and mother fought that battle, he went overseas for 2 months to help build an oil rig. I was 16. My mom found out that he was raping me and pimping me out to his friends to supply their drug habits. So the day he got on the plane, we packed everything and left. When he got back he started stalking us. She couldn’t keep a job due to us always running. He would find us, killed my animals,break any outside toys. I was always scared. Then the law finally got involved, he gave up his rights so he wouldn’t have to face jail time.

    My 1st marriage ended after having 3 kids and deciding that I see a lot of my biological father in him. I ran away with the children then filed for divorce. It ended quickly and he didn’t fight me at all, he accepted it said I was broken and he wanted nothing to do with me other then maybe see the kids when he wanted to. I document ever thing that happens between us. I believe he has a small form of NPD.

    Now I’m in my 2nd marriage. Will be married 5 yrs this August. It is very rough these past few years. I thought it was me but I am finding out that I’m attracted to these type of people because of my abusive past. My current husband and I got a long just fine when I worshipped his every move and when I wasn’t successful at work. Now I’m a Zone Manager at Walmart. I am one step under an assistant manager. I make good money and don’t spend as much as he does. I come home and cook and clean. I count depend on him as much as I did 3 years ago. We fight almost everyday the past 2 years…until the last 5 days. I have started reading everything I can get my hands on about PTSD and NPD. My husband is a veteran from the Gulf War. He entered the Army at 17, he has always been the strongest and smartest of any group he has been placed with. He was a great solider but now a very lonely and hateful man. The past few days when he tries to hit a trigger and cause reaction, I don’t give one I go emotionless or talk very low and take time outs. He has been sleeping a lot.

    I am thinking about sending his counslor a letter of the signs I am seeing but I’m afraid that he will be told that I sent it and I know he will say I betrayed him. He won’t let me go, I’ve tried leaving but almost lost my job because of what he did when I told him I would start looking for a place to live. He makes $4000 a month to stay home and not tell the secrets of what he has done in the Army. That being said he could make my life hell and I would go back to that fear I had as a child and teen-always looking over my shoulder scared.

    I’m not sure what to do. Are there support groups? Are there classes? Do I just keep reading and hope I find the courage? Would anxiety meds help me? I feel so lost and helpless. I don’t even reach out for him anymore, no matter how bad I feel the need to be touched, loved or talked too. I force myself to let him come to me. Am I wrong for that?

    Sincerely
    Looking for Answers

  • Samantha
    August 4, 2013

    Hi

    With the help of my parents I unexpectedly left my husband almost 3 months ago. We will have been married 5 years in September, but we have been together since 2003.

    I did not plan to leave when I left, but was considering leaving for 3 years.

    It has been extremely hard so far, with him doing all the things typical to a narcissist.

    The trouble is, I stumbled upon narcissism accidently, I did not even know what the word meant 3 months ago. I am so confused at times, we have a daughter together, I know I made the best decision to leave for the both of us, I am just a bit unsure if all the trauma are narcissism related and whether he is just trying to win me back.

    I hate feeling the way I do, I feel guilty because it feels as though I am not feeling anything. Is this normal? Am I not supposed to be emotional going trough a divorce? Or am I just suddenly going to break down one day? What is wrong with me?

    • Amy
      August 8, 2013

      It took me about 50 times to actually leave but the one thing that sealed the deal for me was when he said “I know I don’t treat you well”. That’s all it took. I was then able to shift the blame from myself to him and it was that little bit of accountability that I was searching for combined with the knowledge and “proof” that he was in control of the way that he treated me and he was doing it on purpose. I hope that all of you at some point reach a point where you have that “aha” moment. For me it took 2 years of systematic abuse and several mental breakdowns. It has now been three months since I’ve had contact with him. Good luck.

  • Fred
    August 31, 2013

    Hi… Well, what can I say, I met my N just over 3 years ago but new her and her family since aged 7, our fathers both worked at the same factory! Years later after both having failed relationships we got it together, two years after that, we got married, 2 1/2 years after getting together I lost my business and became a bankrupt… my god did that change the playing field within the relationship!!!
    The lies that I heard before and chose to ignore for some stupid reason, got worse! With me not working it gave my mind plenty of time to subconsciously “figure” things out. It was like a crash course into this person that I had married and was in love with but was now “seeing” a very different person…with an extra portion of what now turns out to be narcissism!!! It was only six weeks ago that I got to find out that there are people out there, men AND women, that habitually lavish this behaviour on their partner. BOOM… I still (over the last six weeks) have tried to convince myself that it’s my fault but I know in my heart now that I am wrong. I still love her, I do love her, the woman that had been shown to me during the reeling him in procedure which as it turns out is called “gas lamping”. They analyse you and feed back to you what makes you happy and before you know it… you’re hooked. The N that stands beofre you is to good to be true, such a wonderful person to be with, a soul mate!!! We have only been married since November 2012 and I know she has been unfaithful once since then… (with the best man aswell) not even married a year, I was gutted! But that is what these people do as I have found out. I still have no job but believe you me, now I am aware of what is going on in my life, as soon as I get the chance to get out of this TOXIC relationship, the better, my only advantage is that she does not know that I am aware of her NPD… is she even aware of her NPD??? I don’t know. I educated myself on Narcissism and how they work and try to use that to my advantage to stay sane until I can get out. When I get out I will be going and not looking back, period. That is what all the advice states when you start to read up on them and their narcissistic ways. The hardest part for me through all of this was dealing with the FACT, that the person that I fell in love with apparently couldn’t give two hoots about anything to do with me nor my feelings/ emotions, I have since got my head around that, but I am still trapped as I have no job, no income, no car and also a bankrupt too. Everyday that I spend here is me looking at that day as it’s one day less that I have to spend here, the downside of that is I don’t know how many more days there is before I can leave. I will be happy, and she will have a life of continued failed relationships, that’s what happens to narcissistic’s… Be strong and stay focused on your goal of getting free of these people, they kill you from the inside out.
    Namaste. x

  • Jane
    August 31, 2013

    Thank you all for sharing your stories. I realize I am not the only poor soul to go through the horrors of being in and then trying to end a relationship with a narcissistic husband. Don’t know which is harder to come to terms with…the fact that someone you love has a personality disorder that is pretty much uncurable…or the fact that my lack of self esteem has lead me down this even more painful road. I am praying I can dig my way out of this incredible deep hole. Keep shining the light in this dark place. I am a very determined being. Jane

  • lina
    September 6, 2013

    What you have been saying about the altruistic narcissist resonates more with my story.

    I’m not sure what happened because I never would have thought my husband was a narcissist. I blamed myself of possibly being one. I criticized him a lot and he couldn’t please me. He always said how much he loved me and would profess that to everyone including our therapist..”He loved me to the bone” and got a “Awwe he loves you to the bone” with a sigh from the therapist. He recorded our arguments without my knowledge. He hid this false self so well that his performance was worthy of an academy award. This was 2 years before he abandoned me for a woman he had met 5 years prior as his employee.

    He did I’m a nice guy smear campaigns when he left and everyone was charmed by his poor guy he did everything he could and she was not happy. He threw my whole world up side down. I’m not sure I can ever trust anyone again after his betrayal. It’s been harsh. I blamed myself until I heard about the Altruistic Narcissist. Unbelievable. I’m suffering from PTSD and he had no remorse or compassion after 16 years together and 12 years of marriage. He moved on as if he never knew me. I guess we all display narcissistic traits. He spoiled me and coddled me and I thought it was because he loved me but he had me completely dependent on him and than discarded me leaving me alone with no family nor friends….

  • ill-usion-no-more
    September 15, 2013

    What a great article!! THANK YOU MELANIE. Everytime I think I have read the best post from you, you come with another. This helped me such a great deal. I am at 55 days of NC from my NPD ex. It’s been soul-wrenching and draining to say the least. I spent ten years getting abused and trying to understand it wasn’t me going crazy. HE WAS MAKING ME CRAZY! I have learnt that I have some serious trauma (unhealed) issues from my childhood, and he played on them like an expert. What a lesson. Every day is a struggle, not so much for him anymore, but facing my wounds alone. Journey on everyone, you can DO IT! I love all your articles, and am so happy you are here.

  • Andrew
    September 17, 2013

    So may women posters, thought I should share the male perspective.

    I never knew my constant adoration and admiration were feeding her, it’s what I do all the time because she means so much to me. Fresh flowers, buying her little things she wants, taking her on vacations, being sexually available (gosh, what man wouldn’t be).

    But after five years of being together, three years of those being married, I got my first taste of her rage. One day I said some things that called her self-image into question. Next thing I knew I was being told to get out. Within hours, I was being yelled at on the phone and was told she was going to change the locks on the house and was going to file for a divorce just days later! Laying in a hotel bed that night with my heart literally ripped from my chest, I thought I was going to die.

    The next day she apologized and I returned home, dazed and confused, wondering what happened. Just a couple days later the rage erupted again and this time she took swings at me. Somehow, the evening ended with her crying in my lap. The only thing I can recall that triggered this about-face was my brutal honesty in telling her that we had two choices, forgive and move on, or end it right there. I was very unemotional in my response, of course, I was angry and outraged! People who truly “love” each other do not demean, insult, demoralize or otherwise attack the person they love.

    Since then, I turned to the internet and quickly found I was not alone. I have discovered that she fits so many of the NPD criteria that I have been reading non-stop for days now and am preparing my exit strategy.

    I have no idea how to confront her, and believe there is no way I can. I do not think she is even aware she has a problem, nor do I believe she ever will. Occasionally in our time together, she has even said that she does not understand how I could love someone like her. She has given me so many warning signs, I just chose to ignore them, until now. I am still in shock that a woman is capable of such an extreme (no offense to the women victims here).

    Sadly, I also want to try to make it work and have some hope that this is a one-time event. Other stories I read indicate that this went on for years, this just got started for me. I fear though, that as she climbs the corporate ladder (money drives her), she will eventually kick me aside as some discarded husk, her the vampire having sucked me dry of vitality and happiness.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 17, 2013

      Hi Andrew,

      my questions here are – why did it take five years to ‘get a taste of her rage’…I don’t know of anyone with NPD who is that good at creating a ‘mask’ to hide the narc cracks underneath for that amount of time…

      Also why need to state ‘how much you have done for her’ in the way of constant admiration / adoration..?…

      And what were your comments calling her ‘self-image into question?’…and is this something you have done before, or on more than this ocassion…

      Calling her self-image into question does not seem consistent with the Mr Wonderful constant ‘adoring’ and ‘admiration’.

      I’d be very interested to hear from this lady who has been labelled a narc by you – her side of the story…

      Because narcs do not just ‘appear’ overnight – I also do not find a warning sign to be a harmless comment which many lovers have stated to each other without any maliscious intent…

      That is NOT a narc warning sign.

      Pathological lies, twists and turns,refusing to be accountable, maliscious cruel behaviour etc is…

      Also ‘money drives her’…so ‘holidays’ ‘buying presents’ and things you claim to do aren’t your reality?

      Is there (more likely) a part of you that resents her having corporate success, hence the smearing?

      Mel

  • Eleana Topp
    September 20, 2013

    Your articles and blogs has open a whole different world in front of my eyes. A world I have no idea existed just a week ago. I have been married to my husband for 21 years. He is ADHD. But, I have to admit that he has been manipulating me for all these years and all along thinking just about himself. My big problem is I can’t leave him right away. We have four children and no money at the moment. The only solution I see is to start therapy right away and make plans on what to do. Do you have any advice for women with children. I don’t have family where to go. They leave in another country.

  • Karen
    September 20, 2013

    I have read the article and cried (a lot). I have tried to leave my then boyfriend and now husband for the best part of 14 years. It is only today in reading this that the light has finally dawned on who he is and why I have found it so difficult and almost impossible to do.

    I feel this tremendous guilt that lately I have actually thought I’d be better off dead then have to go through it and feel the guilt of having to out my amazing, beautiful children through this. I realise that both my parents clearly have npd and I was used by them throughout their incredibly bitter divorce and even now my mum puts me through a massive guilt trip and relies on me to off load constantly.

    My n husband is a workahic who has worked abroad for the last 4 years while I have looked after our 2 now 3 children alone whilst working as a secondary school teacher, looking after the house and trying my best to make sure that They have all the fun they can and take them to all their clubs and try to balance quality time with the extra marking and planning for school and talking online to h everyday with kids. He comes back and makes little dig and sometimes outright criticisms that the house isn’t completely up together and that the kids haven’t done enough fun stuff.

    Before this he was self employed and I again did all of the work and he didn’t support me when I changed careers as a teacher questioning I I was the right person to teach secondary. He cheated in me and asked for a divorce when I was pregnant with our first child and then just changed his mind at the birth. When I had a miscarraige year before that he complained (from his weekend away) that I was only just coming out of the hospital and noone was at home to take the calls for his business.

    Before this I moved 6 times to be near him as he was I. The army and everytime I found a job hand moved he would back off and change his mind being quite dismissive until I chose o leave and then he would want me again.

    This article is the very first time that I have not felt like an utter mug and fool to myself and completely trapped. I realise that I am ‘wounded’ from the past and the things he says just hit the right buttons. I know I have to do tho and it is going to be horrendous and I hope with all my heart that my children don’t suffer as a result but I know I can’t stay and thank you for confirming it.

  • India
    September 28, 2013

    Melanie, and all—I’m so happy to have found your work here. So many of your stories reflect my own, and it feels good to hear of your successes, and humor!

    I would like to tell my story too, to an empathetic heart. Just because. And then, I do have a question of you, Melanie, and anyone else who would like to offer up anything they know about it. My question is at the end if you want to scroll down and not bother with my story, which is so much like all of yours!

    I’m 62 today, my birthday. Since I was 18 I’ve spent my life raising all five of my children, until just two years ago when my youngest left home. Because of that,(and probably a bunch of psychological reasons) I never really got into a real love relationship, and hardly even dated, even when I was younger. I was divorced in my twenties.

    As the years rolled on, sometimes I would become quite despondent about not having anyone to love. And never meeting anyone that captured my attention. I figured that I was just too “different.” It was sad. I felt sad.

    And then, one day out of the blue not too many months ago, I met HIM!!! OMG….it’s just like everyone says….HE was a dream come true! The connection, the communication, the chemistry, the extreme compatibility (and yes, if he were sane, we still would be very compatible.) I was IN LOVE for the first time since a teenager. And it was so overwhelming, I have never felt like this in my life before. And oh the things he said—he would “be my anchor,” “I’ll never let you down” (that is until he was too drunk to pick me up at the airport, me stranded in the middle of the night.) “I’ll always be there for you…” and on it went. I was in lala land. Both of us are healthy, youthful, handsome and look many years younger than our actual age. The FUN element was charging me up, invigorating me, and oh man, I was literally in heaven.

    And then suddenly, totally unexpectedly he did turn on a dime. I was so shocked that I was speechless! He “kicked me to the curb.” only to call me back again the next day. His behavior has been so shocking and has left me devastated. He did this repeatedly, and for some crazy, unfathomable reason, I just kept going back. Finally, after the third time I went home and instead of throwing myself on the couch crying, I laughed and told my roommate “Well, I’ve been voted off the island again.”

    My roommate felt so badly, not only because of the pain I was going through, but because he was the one who introduced us. He had been bamboozled too.

    The final straw came when we had a two-day date for me to stay at his house. He was forever wanting me to stay over. He would complain and often throw temper tantrums when I left to go home, even after spending the entire day with him!

    I finally agreed to stay over, for two whole glorious days. When I got there he had another woman there and was actively hitting her up for sex!! Something he never did with me. Actually, I was the one who initiated sex with him, to my sorrow, several weeks after we starting seeing each other on a daily basis.

    But I kept my cool, he got drunk and took us both out for dinner. He couldn’t believe that I was so “welcoming” to the other woman, whom he had just met the previous day. But in spite of my cool, calm and collected exterior, I was dying inside. Didn’t he just tell me to have a per-nuptial agreement written up? Didn’t he just tell me that he couldn’t fathom the idea of ever being without me? Didn’t he just express his undying love and yes, exclusivity with me?

    After dinner at the restaurant he took the new woman to her home, driving drunk, I went to my home, and a few days after going circles in my mind about it, my ire was up so high I behaved very badly. Honestly, this is so out of character for me. When I told my friends about it, they were astonished that I was even capable of such a thing.

    I went over to his house one morning with half a dozen eggs. I stood outside his short chain link fence and threw the eggs at his truck. It felt good. Then, I even called him names. Never in my life have I called anyone a name, at least not that I can remember. I called him a derelict, deranged two-timing slut. His response was that he was calling the police. Again, I was so shocked! Doubly so because a few months prior to that, my neighbors dogs attacked my dog that I was walking with a leash. I fell and broke a rib. It was extremely painful. When I mentioned that I was thinking of calling the animal control because we’ve had problems with these dogs before, he yelled at me and told me that if I called the police (but I said “animal control”) it would be all over because he doesn’t go along with calling the law for every little thing, and furthermore people need to take care of their problems themselves. He never had one once of sympathy or empathy for my broken rib. And then HE threatened to call the police on me! I’m still in shock. He also told me to leave and never come back.

    This stuff has been so unbelievable to me. if I had ever experienced it before in my life, I would have put a stop to it this time, before I got in too deep. I just didn’t know how to respond to all his craziness and temper tantrums, and I couldn’t believe it. And yes, unbelievably painful. That is why I bought Melanie’s healing sessions. I’ve been through the first two now, and I do believe that I am being released and healed from this horrible experience, and have hope that I will find love someday.

    Now, for my question. Well, first, since he told me to leave his place, and I was the one who responded like a crazy woman, I’m afraid that maybe he’s plotting against me for his Narcissistic injury. Does anyone know anything about this? What do I do?
    and then, of course I’m afraid he will never come back. THAT conflict is so strong within me. I’ve managed now to make no contact since the egg episode, and neither has he. That’s been a couple weeks ago. But of course, I’m dying to see him. I love this man, and the pain of knowing he does not and cannot love me is so unbearable. And so, this leads me to my question.

    Sam Vaknin has a video called “Narcissism and Old Age,” where he talks about how a few narcissists actually are healed in their old age after they’ve lost all their friends and no one wants them. My guy I’m talking about here is 63. He has very few friends, if any. He attracts women easily because yes, his charm, and good looks and sexual prowess. But, he also is the hermit, seeking his prey from his own place—-people walking by, yard sales, etc. Then after a short ‘friendship’ they get booted to the curb too. I know I’m grasping at straws here, but I love this man like I’ve never loved, and I felt loved, at least some of the time, like I’ve never felt loved before and I don’t want to let it go! Oh God, help! Is there any possibility, due to his age that he could be healed? He is so miserable—one day he even said to me “I need therapy.” I agreed with him. This was before I had even heard the term ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder.’ It would be such a wonderful thing for these people to be healed. Is it possible, I mean, given his age?

    Any response or feedback to me letter here would be absolutely very much appreciated, whether positive or negative. I’m so happy to find support here. Thank you so much.

  • Karen
    October 16, 2013

    My EX-husband just realized (after me telling him) that he is a narcissist. He found this site and actually showed it to me! I am not with him, but he does want badly to reconcile. He does own up to being a narcissist. Once he read through this site he told me, “Oh my gosh. I am a textbook case. I am a flawed individual. How do I know if what I am doing or saying is to get my ‘narcissistic supply’ or is it my authentic feelings? So, this has completely flabbergasted me! This man that I was married to for 20 years..this man who cheated on me many times and verbally abused and controlled me, now apologizes and wants to figure out if there is a way for help. I am overwhelmed! I am glad he is aware of this, but am wondering do I still keep away from him? Or if he starts peeling away his layers of hurt from childhood, can he ever sort of be authentic? This is so complex. Again, I amazed this highly arrogant and abusive man is saying that he fully admits to being a narcissist. He is now at my feet begging me to please stay. I imagine this is what a narcissist does, even if they feel it is authentic. What a dilemma and what to do?! Anyone else have thoughts on this?

  • P. Avery
    November 15, 2013

    This is my first post and I just want to thank Melanie for creating this outlet and everyone on here for sharing their stories. Each story resonates so clearly with me that it is frightening. I am getting ready to leave my N this weekend and I am terrified. I do not have any friends or support network that I can turn to. Wish me luck!

  • Jessica
    November 18, 2013

    I lived with a narcissist and sex addict for three years. When I finally kicked him out (it was my house), he set the house on fire with me in it. I was still greiving over what he’d done (the final last straw) and he tried to take my property, my life and my sense of peace and destroy it. I was a biit terrified of him because he lied so convincingly and pathologically that he made it look like I could have set the fire…a historic house I had bought and been restoring myself for a year. Luckily God smiled on me and through fortuitous events the house was fixed, he was gone, I rented it and took a job in another city thinking it was over. He called me at my new home a few months later wanting sympathy because his grandpa died…I said “I’m sorry for your loss”, but in my head I’m thinking how did he get this number? Does he know where I live? Etc. Even up to a year ago (we split in 2005) he was trying to friend all my friends on facebook and we got into a very toxic exchange that I regretted afterward for giving him the satisfaction…the fact is I still dream of him and I hate it. It usually starts out sexual then violent. In a way I do feel he ruined me on men, but I have been in therapy and 12 step recovery around relationships 2 years and it has helped, but I want to be free. I want to never attract that again. My father is a narcissist big time. I have cut him out of my life in recent months and he just wrote me a letter signed “daddy”. I’ve never called him that. It made me more angry than anything. Why can’t narcissists leave me alone! What unhealed parts are still attracting this after 2 years in recovery? I attract it in men and women. The ex isn’t the only one who has tried to physically harm me or destroy my reputation. I’m tired. Recently things are coming up that make me think I may be an incest survivor. I am definitely a sexual abuse and assault survivor, but t hit a chord when I read about the self sacrificing to heal the narcissist. The memories and dreams are painful. I would love to shift my energy so I have no need to remember what happened then.

  • Eva Martin
    November 20, 2013

    Melanie, this is all so helpful.
    I am still working on no contact. I am lucky, he moved to NY to be the Hospice nurse for his dad. I hope his dad lives long.
    I am packing his stuff and getting myself back on my feet thanks to your great narp course.
    Thank you

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  • June Rosa
    December 14, 2013

    My fear that my narcissist used to hook me and keep me
    I was terrified he would be happy with someone else.
    And I will JUST be nothing with no-one. It caused me such panic I ended up on medication! My weight changed
    So drastically,which made me worst,even more insecure
    And he humiliated me with it,by calling me with girls in the background,that was his favorite form of abuse,girls kissing him he is a drummer,he used that like crazy. Run!

  • Hopeless
    January 3, 2014

    I have never felt this lost. He pulls the silent treatment and I know it’s about money. I have kids from a previous marriage and I chose to take care of them this time (sounds horrible but his threats have made me compromise even their happiness). So he came here for the Holiday’s, he’s in the military, stayed at his moms, slept with someone else and gave me the silent treatment the whole time until the end of his two week stay only to come at me about money. I stood my ground. I have given him so much and it’s always something new. He’s back home now and I feel empty and used. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to let it go but in severe depression, of which I feel only resolving it with him will cure. I loved him so much and truly believed every lie he told me. I am a shadow of myself. I used to be successful, happy. He’s destroyed so much of me. Friendships with people I loved are gone, I’ve lost respect from people. I have no motivation. I lay in bed and take sleeping pills hoping to make the pain stop. It physically hurts. I know it sounds strange but I can’t seem to believe I will be okay and happy without him. Like life will be half full and not nearly what I want. Help me please.

  • Rick
    January 11, 2014

    God bless you and your work! I am a 50 year old male who, with the new fantastic information from your work, is making another attempt to gain freedom after 5 years of textbook abuse from the N, a 45 year old alcoholic female.

    I have attempted NC in the past, blocked her number, changing email, only to result in escalating abusive contact involving the police. Ignorant me went back, but now, with your clear information, I know I can do this.

    Questions:

    1. Will the N always try to meet or exceed the last level of abuse in their desperate attempt to keep you?
    2. Will she always stalk me and try to destroy me when she one days sees me with another woman or finds that I am in a relationship?

    She has nothing to lose, she drinks over a liter of vodka a day (which she admits) and has been out of work for over a year. My guess is she has another man/men in play like she did me.

    Is your experience she will stick to her “easy marks” for her fix or will her desire for vengeance surface? She just showed me the shotgun her brother have her for Christmas….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2014

      Hi Rick,

      You are very welcome.

      The narc abuse dynamic totally is an energetic phenomenon – and needs to be understood at that level.

      If a narcissist can affect you (even energetically) they often persist. You need to understand that there is so much more than goes on beyond the ‘physical’ and narcissists are energetic vampires – truly.

      What happens Rick is when you work on yourself (your inner programming) enough to depersonalise and no longer be affected, then there is nothing more to gain from you. That is when Narcissists leave your experience totally. Because when they can no longer suck your life force they need to find someone else’s.

      In regard to her need to vengeance (which all narcs are totally capable of), when you have no fear of her vengeance, she can’t present vengeances (in your experience) towards you.

      Narcissists are NOT a source of their own energy – they need fear and pain to energise them. When you are totally detached and free of feelings towards her, including negative or positive she can’t exist in your experience in any shape or form.

      Truly, you need to experience this to know what I am speaking is real….This is not ‘normal’ or ‘human’…

      This is actually never about ‘them’ – it is always about our own inner emopowerment and yet to be created emotional mastery. The narcissist is ‘nebular’ – they are merely a reflection of our own deepest fears.

      Without those fears there is NO narcissist.

      Mel xo

  • Claudine
    February 18, 2014

    I’ve just ended a (toxic) friendship with a narc. He’s never been violent or behaved threateningly towards me in the past but the messages I’m receiving from him have my stomach sitting in the back of my throat. I don’t know (if? or) how he’s about to ambush me but the anxiety and dread I feel is very tangible. He’s been very supportive throughout my fight with cancer but I wonder now if that’s because it’s given him insight into my character that he could possibly use against me.
    Thank you everyone for your comments (reading them is like looking into a mirror!) and Melanie for setting up this valuable resource. I wouldn’t know where else to turn to get strength from to push through and get to my healed space. I feel so much better being equipped with the advice/info & knowing I’m not alone.

  • ken sheedy
    February 22, 2014

    Hi,
    The worst of it is over now. It started when the economy slowed down and I was faced with a business decision to close my business. I could see my marriage was not at all good….and I wondered what is this behavior in her. I remembered something her mother did that was passive aggressive and to be honest …I really did not know what that meant. So I googled it and instead of reading about my mother in law….I was reading about my everyday life!That did not ex plane everything until I read about narcissism.My mind raced and was filled with all the lies and intentional hurtful things she had done. I kicked her out within two weeks. She immediately filed for divorce. I confronted her with everything I could think of including the false self she projects.I did this through a friend of hers so that she could not lie to me alone. Instinctively I had a no contact…no reaction policy. I told friends I do not want to know anything about her. I joined support groups as fast as I could. She had given me genital herpes as well. The lure of attraction is powerful.Five people came into my life within a month that were also abused by a narcissist. four of them had no idea until I shared a link. One woman…now my girlfriend stayed with me as we both went through aftershock. There is much information out there to tell us all what they are and until Melenie…there has been nothing about recovery. We tried everything…We traveled the entire U.S. bought a puppy…Taught him how to surf and entered him in a contest in California….None of that worked to kill the pain. My last contact with the ex was a year ago at a funeral…her only question to me was….” what was the one specific thing I did”…..not that she wanted to apologize…she wanted to know what gave her away!…since then there have been many attempts to get me to react…and I refuse…The thing I need to work on now is the vibration I give off….you see no reaction could be all the reaction she needs to satisfy her supply.It’s been a liberating experience to feel a shift. I’m limited to people I can have a physical relationship with and emotionally I can see through the support groups I belong to that there are very few people that have the kind of personal growth that only people that have been through a life changing experience share. I do not mean that as a negative. I live in my own truth these days….makes life better for me and my family….be well my friends

  • invisible
    February 26, 2014

    After reading some of the comments from this site it is very sad to read of the difficulty narcissists cause people close to them. Even so, from personal experience is the family of narcissists which I believe causes the most damage of all. But thankfully it can be healed through only ONE way: SELF LOVE, the true genuine concern and care for One’s True Self, which IS Love. this Self Love can heal anything and anyone, if its is given the chance to do so. and the ONLY way to deal with a narcissist is NO CONTACT. this applies to family and partners alike. the ego in narcissists will NOT allow true LOVE in any way. It is all about control with the narcissist, and nothing else. When this is understood, Leaving and enforcing NO conact will be easy to do. Whether its family or lover. From personal experience of BOTH, it can be done, and healing CAN occur for anyone. Trust in the Power and infinite Depth of Love to do so, it will never fail you.

  • jane halloran
    April 8, 2014

    My N broke with me hundreds of times over the 5 years I was with him, he compared me to his x many times etc etc I ended up a nervous wreck on anti-depressants and could barely get out of bed. He broke with me a year ago, infact the day we got the keys for a house we mortgaged togther and since then he would come and go, i belived he would want me eventually. The physical abuse then started and he had total control of me. My problem is we work togther, same boss, same unit, same team and he charms everyone. I am senior to him and over the last few months hide in my office, he comes in bulies and belittles me but if i retaliate, people witness me being the baddy. He has made himself invaluable at work, told me people don’t like me and my professional confidence is shattered. D

  • Rizwan Rauf
    April 14, 2014

    I had a breakup with my Narcissist gf on 15th march then i also took a bit of revenge by exposing her in her family on social media but now after three weeks her brother has contacted me on social media i wonder why his brother contacted me now why he did not contacted me when i exposed her.

  • Brian
    April 27, 2014

    After twelve years of putting up with my nasty little narcissistic wife I finally could take no more of her. I used the police and the mental health system to have her removed from my house. I have had no contact for the last three months and it has been wonderful. I immediately began working on myself using Louise Hayes tapes which I have found have worked in the past for me. m
    It was instantly noticeable the difference in how I felt. Fortunately for the whole period I had enough self love to sustain some resistance to her web. For the last two years I had been telling her how horrible she was.
    I immediately noticed that my energy levels increased markedly as she was sucking all the goodness out of me.
    I don’t miss her and know she won’t change in fact my reading tells me that she will get far worse as she gets older. She is now 50yrs and I am 64years and looking forward to a future with someone fulfilling.
    The important factor is that I had the knowledge to know that the only way is to work on yourself as you cannot change the other person. By sorting yourself and building your own self esteem you gain strength very quickly.
    I strongly recommend to all in this situation, work on yourself forget, the other person, as either in or outside a relationship you cannot change another person.

  • P
    April 28, 2014

    I left my N four days ago for the second and final time. I woke up this morning feeling fearful of him contacting me so this article was exactly what I needed. The day I left I listened to the two free audio recordings that you provide and it helped me get the strength to pack my bags and drive away. I have endured six years (married for three) of physical and emotional abuse from him and I am just now starting to understand (thanks to your articles) how my inner wounds helped me stay in that cycle of abuse. The last few days of being with him he pulled out all the cards in trying to convince me that he would change, go to counseling again, that I shouldn’t let another women get the rewards of his upcoming new job, that by the time I meet someone else I’ll be to old to start having babies. He played on all of my weaknesses but I broke away. It has only been four days but I just wanted to thank you for these articles. Most of the feelings that I’ve had have been in the articles that I have read and it’s helpful knowing that my feelings can be used to create positive energy in my life.

  • Julie
    April 30, 2014

    I do have a lesson for those who want to leave and feel stuck. You absolutely can’t do it all by yourself….your subconscious needs work. Whether it’s a hypnotist, an energy worker or a reiki master, someone has to help drag your subconscious back into truth. I bought every book on how to leave and spoke with a handful of therapists and nothing helped me go. Finally I did some muscle testing on myself and discovered that my subconscious literally believed I couldn’t find anyone else or do any better. Aha! I knew this was completely wrong and somehow needed that subconscious belief to change. I am four weeks out now from the true end, FINALLY. The reiki practitioner was there for me through the breakup, or I know on day 5 I would have gone back. I would have done anything to stop that pain. I was dying. She coached me through and I can never repay her. So you need help from someone who can affect your subconscious. End of story. The other lesson is that I can’t even take credit for making the break. I still couldn’t quite do it but what I could do after the energy work helped was avoid him and get emotionally to a wonderful place where none of his punishment techniques worked on me. I just didn’t care anymore. So he grew unhappy, I admitted I couldn’t marry him, and four years just stopped on the telephone. No contact since. Hallelujah! So the two lessons if you’re stuck. Find an energy worker. Mine helped me via the telephone. Look her up. LifePositiveByDesign.com. And get a local reiki practitioner to cleanse, cleanse, clear more of that away and obliterate all those hooks in you.

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  • Judy
    May 16, 2014

    I am not doing well with the no contact rule. I struggle with his threats that are not of a physical nature, but mental. He threatens to tell the church about our relationship. He is a minister in the church. How can one person be so cruel, he has no remorse and always makes everything my fault. I am not doing well.

  • Barbara
    May 29, 2014

    I left 1 week ago. I was in a 5 year relationship with a Sex Addict who hid his addiction for the first 1-1/2 years. The counseling he received did not alleviate the NPD (not diagnosed with NPD but had all the signs. He put me through absolute hell. The lying, deceitfulness, distortions – he couldn’t stand an ounce of critism. He was mean, negative, manipulative and controlling. He specialized in isolation, blaming this on me – everything was my fault. He had my mind so messed up I went to 3 therapist (because he said it was necessary). The last therapist I chose a male sex addiction counselor who showed me how codependent I was and how wrong this relationship was. Fast foward a couple of months, he was out of work for 9 months total and spent most of the time of the internet on blogging sites garnering attention for his intellectual postings. He got a 6 month job out of state in KY and after he left the behavior got weird. My inner parent appeared with a vengeance and I pulled out the strength to leave. I packed all his stuff and put it in offsite storage, changed me locks, etc. It was extremely painful to leave. My 13 year old was so happy he was gone. My ex never established a relationship with my son and when I asked why replied “he already has a father”. I have crying jags, bad feelings, etc. but committed to feeling and working through them. I threw away everything in the house he ever touched right down to the coffee cups. A complete purge.

  • kara
    June 7, 2014

    my ex decided to dump me as soon as my mother and last family member died – he practices No contact, so remember when you serve no further purpose and they have new supply – they get rid of you. it seems to me that this is his way to make sure I do not come back across the ocean to try to get anything that is mine – he will get to keep all the material things which are mine, and he already got my money on false promises.

    the reason he dumped me is that our basis was I give(in)to him first because I trust him and just with a little more time he will finally become the man he wanted to be and make good on his promises – I was no longer accepting his promises and told him to come through now not later – I told him he was not so smart, better, wonderful etc as he thought, and insisted he get therapy and stop abusing alcohol and me. I no longer gave him money, and he said I abused him. So, I became useless to him – after 23 years he cut me off, with no compunction about breaking every one of his promises, not paying me for anything but insisting I a. never loaned him anything or b. they were all gifts – and leaving me 3000 miles away with no home, no job, no husband – no economic or emotional security, and no parents either.

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  • Kiarne
    August 12, 2014

    Wow, I am so happy to have come across your website. I am knee-deep in a relationship with a man I’ve lived with for 8.5 years. It’s always been about him and his needs never mine. Only two weeks ago he ended our relationship because he claims I was not an “earner” and needed to find a rich woman to help him with his bills. Needless to say, I am devastated and going through all the feelings of disbelief, frustration, anger, etc. I am almost certain that he will once again return and say all the charming words and promises as before. I hope that THIS time I can stay strong with the No Contact Rule and remove myself from this on-again/off-again toxic relationship.

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  • Ron
    September 19, 2014

    Thank you so much for all your wonderful content.

    After 3 years in relationship I believe I am married to an N but am so confused as to what to do.I would say 85-90% of the time we have a fun, loving time and then the other part is she turns into someone I don’t recognize or know.It all starts from my feedback to her about certain aspects of her behavior.I am only sharing my feelings to her but whoa, she changes her spots.
    The majority of times she is great but when she goes ‘into her stuff’ it really affects me greatly.
    I have decided to do Vispassana in approx 10 days time to try and get some clarity about my next move.
    I wonder sometimes is her behavior ‘bad enough’ in the short bursts for me to leave or should I just focus on the 85% good times!

    Once again thanks Mel for all you do to help others!

    Best, Ron.

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  • Wendy
    September 23, 2014

    I recently had the amazing experience of working with an Intuitive Healer. She specializes in Chakra Clearing. I had gone to her because I felt that my ex was “coming around me” on an energetic and spiritual level ALOT and I had this feeling all the time that he was invading my space. I especially felt vulnerable during sleeping hours. The Intuitive was able to see that my ex had a wide chord attached to my third Chakra and he was using it to still try and control me. I felt relieved to know that I had not been imaging this feeling that I could not shake that he was still around me. The woman did what ever she does to severe this chord between my ex and I. I immediately felt calmer and more at peace. There were other things related to my past that she was able to clear in this Chakra reading and it helped tremendously. I know this sounds hokey…but it was extremely helpful to me to rid myself of this energetic tie he had on me. I still have to take this No Contact thing one day at a time. Sometimes it is one hour at a time. It has only been about 40 days of no contact. I haven’t started Melanie’s program yet, but that is my next step.

  • Debrah Z. Wies
    October 9, 2014

    First of all I want to say superb blog! I had a quick question which I’d like to ask if you
    do not mind. I was curious to find out how you center yourself and
    clear your thoughts prior to writing. I have had difficulty
    clearing my mind in getting my thoughts out there. I do enjoy writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15
    minutes are lost just trying to figure out how to
    begin. Any ideas or hints? Thanks!

  • Simon
    November 7, 2014

    Thanks for this wonderful blog. It is a gift for lots of us going through this trauma.

    First let me start by saying that I’m a GUY and my Narcasist was my WIFE. We ‘fell in love’ and married very quickly. I was head over heals…so I thought. I learnt a lot about how N’s ‘mirror’ to you until they have you under control. This is what my ex did, that is until I proposed and she moved to Australia.

    Two weeks before we were due to marry, she told me she had suffered sexual and physical abuse at the hands of her father and that both her parents really abandoned her. I was shocked, saddened and wanted to help. I took ‘the strong man’ approach, buying her books, spending hours talking and going to therapy with her.

    Within a month it all changed. Over a two year period I was subject to:
    Emotional Abuse 100′s of times.
    “I’m gonna leave”
    “I don’t want to be with you”
    “You don’t spend enough money on me”
    “I hate you”
    “You and your family are all judgemental”

    Physical Violence
    Kicking front glass door in my face when coming home from work
    Kicking
    Scratching
    Hitting
    Screaming
    Throwing things

    Isolation (great N tactic)
    Abused all my family (made my 78 year old mother cry and abused my sister to whom I was close)
    Told me I couldnt do things with friends

    I kept strong. I felt sorry for her. I wanted to help. She suffered major suicidal thoughts, chronic migraines and major depression consistently over last two years. I did my best to be loving and supportive. I set her up a business of her dreams for her to run, brought her a car, committed to building her a new house. I kept going to counselling with her etc. I tried to help her to love herself and others and herself by giving unconditional love. It didnt work. It cant work. I can’t fix her.

    A month ago was the turning point. I woke up at 3am to being hit violently in the face. I restrained her and after a while we both went back to sleep….only for it to reoccur a hour later. It broke me. At the same time I suffered really swollen glands and quite worried went to doctor who gave me all the tests. Turned out i had PTSD from 2 years of abuse.

    I left. This was my point. At the time I didn’t know if it was permanent or just a break. She asked me to see her Therapist with her. Told her what happened and she told me I was right to leave…her therapist! In fact, the therapist indicated she was very worried about my mental state and that I was suffering a breakdown from abuse. The therapist made the whole session about me…and said if I didnt have family support or help she would hospitalise me. HOSPITALISE ME! This rocked me to my core. I was always a strong person. My wife had broken me. Whilst my wife was sad for me….even at my lowest she was unable to fill empathy.

    I cried and slept for two days and then decided to call it off. I texted her saying I wanted a divorce and to never contact me again. I then informed immigration of the situation and cancelled her visa. This was very hard for me. I had spent two years putting my wife before me at all costs so to look after me was hard. I felt guilty. I felt bad.

    That was 4-6 weeks ago. She leaves Australia in 3 days after being given 28 days to leave. I am still sad and exhausted. I have my ups and downs…but thankfully for the support of my family and friends (and my dog!) I will get through this…

    I encourage anyone here to be brave and to put yourself first at all times. As my friend said to me last week “Its just like in the emergency demos on planes when the say IF OXYGEN MASKS FALL DOWN PUT YOURS ON FIRST…..BEFORE HELPING ANYONE ELSE.” This is my new view on life.

    Best to everyone here on finding the strength to put their oxygen mask on first.

    Si

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