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This article and radio show is a disturbing one.

You may find this painful to read, and even shocking…

In no way am I wanting to re-traumatise you, I am trying to break through to you – about something that is so serious it needs to be relayed.

I apologise in advance if this article is painful to read…but my motivation to save lives collectively truly outweighs that risk.

That’s my disclaimer.

Now to continue…as a member of this community, regardless of the pain you are presently experiencing with narcissistic abuse (and ESPECIALLY if you are) I urge you with everything I have to take a few deep breaths, centre yourself in your body, stay with this article and read it.

Stating this article is IMPORTANT is an understatement.

TRULY more than any other article or radio show I have put together – this one is the TOTAL reason why I am so passionate about doing the work I do.

I do this work because it saved my own life, and it saves other people’s lives.

Sadly, this is not a case where I am reporting about Thriving after narcissistic abuse.

This is the exact opposite.

This is a sad and tragic story about what has happened to a 52 year old woman who didn’t leave her narcissistic partner of 28 years.

Today as this article is released she is in palliative care, riddled with cancer, 30 kilos and due to die at any time.

This woman was formerly a gorgeous, bright, vibrant and giving person.

 

Why Am I Sharing This?

I received an email a few days ago from a dear friend Margy.

I met Margy two years ago when she, herself, was battling breast cancer, and was hooked by a narcissist who she would leave and then get hoovered back into again time after time.

Margy was suicidal, manically obsessing and hanging by a thread when we first connected.

Margy is not the woman I am writing about – she is a friend of this lady’s. Margy was at the airport after spending 48 hours continuously by her side, when she emailed me.

Margy’s emails opened with: “To my dear Mel. I am sharing this experience because it’s too horrific to imagine it could be true. This is for all that live in hope that the narc would in the most devastating circumstances be capable of love and human compassion. They are not.”

Margy continued… “I have just been up to visit a dear friend of 30 years, she has lived in an mentally and physically abusive relationship with him for 28 years. 4 months ago she was diagnosed with renal cancer. She had a 10cm tumour attached to a kidney, another massive tumour wrapped around a major artery. Secondary spots in liver and lungs. She had such a fighting will to live they decided to operate. It was a dangerous 7 hour operation which she survived. That was back in late September. Two weeks ago she took a turn for worst. Cancer spreading aggressively and they gave her days maybe a couple of weeks to live.”

Margy finished with… “I know I used to hope that in the most devastating circumstances that love and compassion would have to surface and that it wouldn’t be humanly possible for it not to be there somewhere. Narcissists are a breed of their own as we both clearly know and this is such shocking behaviour it seems like it couldn’t possibly be true. But it is. A healthy mind cannot even make sense of it. Human Cruelty at its worst.

Love Margy xoxo”

 

I spoke to Margy who was very emotional and in tears that evening on the phone, and her sentiment was “Her death can’t be in vain. If her death saves one woman’s life – we need to get this story out there.”

I was moved to tears also, and I experienced the passionate eruption within me to stand for honouring Margy’s wishes to get this message out to the community, as hard-hitting as it is.

Margy was in shock at how much her friend had deteriorated since she had last seen her, but there was an even greater shock that sickened Margy.

It was a level of human cruelty that she could barely wrap her head around, even though she understands narcissism intimately.

 

How Could He?

The dying lady had just discovered that her narcissistic partner was seeing women from dating sites whilst she was in hospital dying.

When he was confronted with the discovered facts he erupted with fully blown narcissistic rage and projection.

He told it was her fault for lumbering him with her sickness, and that she was selfish for what she had put him through with her cancer.

He again brought up an old boyfriend of hers from 30 years ago (one of his regular abusive projection tactics), and topped it off by stating that he believed she was having an affair with a male friend (the husband of a happily married couple – dear friends of hers).

Margy saw her dying friend being ripped apart by his brutal unleashing over the phone and with later text messages. Her friend was in total anguish, trying to retaliate, and trying to gain some sensibility and compassion from him.

In total despair she stopped engaging. For a full day afterwards he would not return anyone’s phone calls from the hospital.

(Yes, of course they could have been phone calls that she had died!)

In gut-wrenching anguish she cried to Margy “Why can’t he even wait until I die?”, and “What have I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?”

Margy later that day held her on the floor of the shower (she can’t stand up) while this woman sobbed in total despair.  Margy was terrified that the anguish and torment was going to put her into cardiac arrest.

Incredible how only the day before the narcissist had showed up at the hospital acting like the ‘model partner’, charming and talking to nurses whilst playing the part of ‘caring’.

Of course we all know – this is TOTALLY….. (words don’t describe or even begin to ‘fathom’ – we just shake our heads).

 

The Narcissist Doesn’t Change

The brutal and clear message that Margy and I want to deliver is this:

The narcissistic partner that you are connected to is NOT going to all of a sudden morph into a ‘decent person’, no matter WHAT your circumstances are.

An individual who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder simply CAN’T and WON’T – even if you are dying.

Truly this is NOT an isolated case – it is highlighted ONLY because this woman is dying.

How many of us have seen the inhumane cruelty, behaviour and actions regardless of how much we are getting hurt, how suicidal we may be, or how terrorised we are – when the narcissist keeps delivering the blows, keeps pathologically lying, twisting facts, maliciously maiming and projecting, smearing, threatening, abusing by proxy etc. etc. and simply does NOT wake up and start acting like a human being.

We have all seen how ONLY a narcissist could keep hitting all of your soft spots with atrocious vengeance – everything and anything this is dear to your heart – simply to appease their own twisted motivations…

…regardless of how hurt, devastated and ripped apart you are.

This is exactly what narcissistic behaviour trademarks.

Zero conscience, empathy or compassion.

I have heard thousands of inhumane and cruel stories within this community. These stories are IDENTICAL.

These stories go WAY beyond human thoughtlessness and even selfishness.

This is the narcissistic deal…

The actions are soulless, there is no remorse and YOU are simply an OBJECT – as far as the narcissistic is concerned you are NOT a human being.

The narcissist doesn’t and CAN’T know him or herself as a human being – that IS the reason why.

Life to a narcissist is ONLY self-serving, and everything is organised within the narcissist’s behaviour around that.

This poor lady has hung on for 28 years to receive some form of genuine recognition, some sort of genuine love and compassion, some sort of amends, some sort of him ‘waking up’ and some ‘payoff’ for her devotion to the relationship.

And throughout it all did not love or value herself enough to leave severe mental, emotional and physical abuse.

 

The Need To Wake Up

The question is when do we wake up?

When do we realise that the assigning a severely personality disordered person with our care means playing Russian roulette with our own lives.

When do we pull away, regardless of the costs and losses –  in order to salvage our own soul – realising that this is what is really of value.

I know I would have died if I didn’t leave and heal, and Margy stated to me right from the onset of her healing journey that breast cancer was her massive wake up call, that if she didn’t pull away, heal and recover that she was going to die also.

Margy worked on her inner transformation work with the determination of a woman who would die if she didn’t.

She was as committed as anyone I have ever met.

(Hence why we had so much in common and connected as friends).

Today Margy is cancer free, her life is thriving and she has a wonderful new partner – because she made the choice to leave and face herself and her wounds, rather than stay connected to a life of dying with a narcissist.

Staying with a narcissist is living in the darkness of everything that is not love, everything that is inhumane, and it destroys every part of us piece by piece.

The first warnings are – our emotional self starts falling apart, and then if we don’t get the message our physical body becomes massively at risk.

Being narcissistically abused poisons every cell of our body – it is horrendous trauma.

Our body breaking down is how we get told enough is enough if we are not listening to our emotional pain screaming at us first.

Margy’s friend tearfully told her – “I know I’m dying of cancer because I stayed in this relationship.”

Margy was astounded at her level of insight because her friend had never taken on any personal development. Margy knew that this woman got this truth as a deep knowing.

Margy being deeply spiritual held her and told her to stay in her body and connect to her own inner being, her own wholeness and find peace. She told her to come back to her own soul regardless of what he was doing to her.

Margy held her and poured love into her to help her do this.

How tragic is it she could only find her connection to her own divinity and worth whilst dying – at ONLY 52 years of age.

How blessed that Margy has connected with her during her final time on earth.

 

Please Spread This Message

I want you to get involved in this message – PASSIONATELY.

If WE as a collective community can share this article and radio show – no matter how emotional and painful it is to be heard – and it saves lives – we are doing our job….

Please share it widely because someone, somewhere needs to hear this EXACT message as their reason to leave.

You can share this article via the buttons above and below this article.

Thank you!

 

Listen To The Radio Show

This radio show is not a transcript of this article – it is Margy and I talking about this lady, about our own lives, and ALL the reasons why you have to wake up out of the trance and save yourself.

You can listen to the show here.

Literally, because like Margy’s friend you may be gambling with your life.

If you are presently gambling with your life,  it is my greatest wish that you get smacked between the eyes and you make the choice of life, no matter how hard it is, how hooked you are, and how impossible that seems at this moment…

…and that you choose to stand for yourself and you do everything that you can to get away and start getting well.

I know this article is incredibly sad, and please know my intentions with all my heart are to move you for the highest good regarding this.

Margy and I both truly wish that it is not just our own life experiences helping others – we also believe this lady’s life – facing imminent death – can have a meaning and purpose for others also.

I look forward to your comments below, and please know Margy is happy to answer comments and questions as well as myself.

And thank you for sharing this article, you are making a difference!

THE UPDATE 31/12/2013

Today it is New Years Eve 2013. Margy just contacted me to let me know that her girlfriend passed away last night.

She is now at peace…bless her soul….xoxox

 

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Commments (183) + Leave a comments

183 thoughts on “She Left It Too Late To Leave

  1. Melanie, please tell me – Where is it you think she could have gone?
    or me – where on earth is it that I could go?

    1. Hi Eileen,

      where do people go when they leave?

      To anywhere that means their soul is no longer going to be destroyed. There are women in this community who started in refuge shelters and then from there rebuilt their life.

      When we decide we are worth NOT being abused, there is help, and there are resources to support – once we make the life-affirming decision to honour ourselves.

      We are no longer living in the dark ages – it is possible – no matter how hard it is…

      Mel xo

    2. Eileen this was a question that haunted me for a long time. When freedom became my only desire, my need for my spirit to drive, my driving force…….I quietly walked off the property while he was at work with no money, no car (he had taken that away) …I left with only my 2 boys, their dogs, and a few most treasured items.

      I went to live with my mom 400km away from my children’s school because that was the only place I had to go.

      I want to tell you this: I am AMAZED at how making the choice to leave changed my life. Answers and opportunities came my way to earn, even though it was sporadic, to live closer to the school and to have transport. A number of people allowed us to live in their homes, without me having t pay them. Yes it is true that in the space of 2 yrs, we have lived in 8 different places, but hey there was always always grace and answers coming my way.

      It is so TRUE that when we say YES to our life, the Universe moves mountains, people and places to help and support us.

      After I moved out, people would often say to me how different I looked even though there were still a lot of challenges I faced. My answer to them was always: ” You must remember……I am not living with him anymore. I feel lighter, happier , healthier and free- er.”

      My heart is deeply with you and I wish you the same joy and love for your life I am experiencing now.

      1. Hi Rozanne,

        thank you so much for coming forward and answering Eileen, because I am sure this will not just benefit her – your response can help so many other people as well.

        It is SO wonderful how your life has transformed so much – as a result of the courage and dedication you took to leaving and healing.

        That is SO true Rozanne – when we say YES to freedom, health and life, life conjoins to support us all the way.

        Mel xo

    3. It took me three attempts to leave, 12 years ago in June. The story is long and quite unbelievable, but one that is true and I hope to someday share and be able to help others as Melanie is doing. The third time was the charm, but by no means easy. I knew also I would die, it came to me while I was praying for some kind of miracle, something to give me the strength to leave. It was as clear as a bell, a dark, black, coal like feeling, I knew it would be death if I stayed and it was a very spiritual message, and one that still gives me chills to this day.
      The thought of dying and not being there for my two wonderful children was enough to drive me. I had heart surgery 1 year after I left, at 33 years old. When I asked the cardiologist why and how did this happen, he stated that years of fight or flight, adrenaline, epinephrine and full on fear for my life is certainley enough to cause heart damage. It was a condition that when, not if, I went into cardiac arrest, it would take an electrical stimulus and not CPR to bring me back.
      If I had one thing to say to anyone going through this personal hell, it would be listen to yourself, not anyone else. NO one knows what goes on behind closed doors. YOU are in control of your life and the hard truth, YOU have to find a way, there is always a way…I dreamed of having a home where women could come and get counsel, a place to stay, and legal assistance. The nar will not quit, he will find and try to convince and use the kids and whatever means including threatening your life to get you to do what he wants.
      If I can survive it, so can YOU…like I said, long story, one that does involve death, (unresolved) fear, threats, physical and massive emotional abuse, marital affairs, including family. But he went to church, and he paid his taxes and everyone thought he was so great…..
      I hurt still, when he does things to hurt the kids. But it gets better, trust me! I could go on for days, my attorney would like me to write a book, ( I documented EVERYTHING)anyway, this is the first time I have said anything public..now that the kids are 17 and 18, I know he can’t hurt them and I am ready to try to help others 🙂

      1. That is very insperational I too ended up with blood clot in my arm and the specialists say it is only caused by severe trauma and I’m too embarrassed to say all the years of being physically and mentally and verbally abused did this I left him 2x now to heal between surgeries and he always managed to take our 4 young children from me and keep them until I would come back I was so close to getting away now I’m here for the second time again because ehe gets the kids so upset it makes me come back every time and I have no idea why I know I can get them back I know I have the support system but I keep not using it now I keep not getting better but worse and it must be like in the article my body saying enough is enough. The hard part is now he is all of a sudden Mr wonderful most of the time other than sometimes he gets mad and curses me tells me go back to my mother’s I so want to but don’t know why I freeze. Or he curses and yells at the kids which puts us all in the trap and we all become horrible ppl so u give me hope knowing that I too can thrice I will get through this and it will b better I just have to leap!!

    4. I finally left my Narrcistic husband after 27 years. What finally broke through my denial was how he treated our 22 year old loving son! My son had a psychotic break and was diagnosed with bipolar disease. His father rejected him, refused to pay for any treatment and blamed me for his illness! In my darkest hour he was not there! The feeling of betrayal and loss was crushing. My heart broke into a million pieces. But Thank God it drove me to freedom.
      I still mourn my sos’s illness but I rejoice daily I am free from blame, fear, confusion!
      Melanie’s web site is so helpful! The universe has brought me what I need! I lost my home, dogs, retirement savings. But I gained Hope, joy and life!
      Jennifer

  2. Thank you fir this timely article. As all of us know they show up at perfect times. After 38 years if marriage a s emotion and verbal abyss and dominance I can relate to the benefits of waking up and getting out. I have left twice before and finally made another. Real I’m committed is the last time. Feeling at this change in my life I did in anyway reading all your articles over and over and learned to trust my guidance system. I got a rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis a year ago and knew my body was sending me the warning signs. I am getting my power back every day Nd finally feeling the relaxed feeling I trusted would return again. It is and getting better every day. I took the leap and know I saved my life. It has been strongly supported by all you do and convey in your work. I couldn’t
    Have done it with my therapist alone. She didn’t have the same methods u do. I’m greatful for your help every day. I am now making my own way without the trauma in my life every day.
    Greatful to you is putting it mildly.

    Barbi

    1. Hi Barbi,

      you are welcome.

      I am so glad you have heeded the warning signs, and you are determined…

      I am so pleased my work has helped you – with all my heart.

      Keep going and please know the strength and love of this community is with you.

      Mel xo

  3. I’ve plucked up the courage and I’m leaving found a room to stay. No one on earth should have to suffer at the hands of narcissist. I’m leaving everything behind but freedom and happiness is more important than material things. They never have, and never will love!

    1. Hi Del,

      I totally agree,

      there is no price we can put on our soul and happiness – ever – that could compensate for giving them up…

      Materialism with a narcissist is never ‘happiness’ or ‘security’…it is a house of cards that could fall at any time, and is used as a weapon against you when it does hold up…

      Freedom, and creating a genuine healthy and loving reality that is stable and real, is far more preferrable.

      Mel xo

    2. good for you Del – once you make that initial step, the universe will help out. Dont be afraid to ask for help from your friends and your angels – they will be there for you when you are there for yourself. God Speed!!!

      1. Thanks Alison, I am almost excited about the new chapter in my life no more abuse, putting me down, telling me I’m useless. I look forward to being able to do what I want without walking on egg shells wondering if it will upset him. 2014 is going to be a great year, small steps each day to a new me 🙂

    1. Hi Rita,

      two ways…

      Grant NOTHING in energy or attention – without narc supply a narc has to move on.

      Rip the mask down…tell this person they are highly damaged and mentally disordered due to childhood wounds that they refuse to face…

      That generally does it – because a narcissist can no more face the truth about themselves than a vampire can daylight.

      He or she will NEVER face you again (usually)…

      Make sure you do that at a distance…because the narcissistic rage that will explode could be murderous.

      Mel xo

      1. This is absolutely correct but be careful and mindful.

        Narcissistic rage is extremely frightening and can tip over in physical harm. Keep your distance in every conceivable way.

        A word of caution: they see you are the one who violates them and will stop at nothing to breech this perceived threat to their being. Your ‘violation’ is by lowering the mask and exposing the unimaginable, the lack of humanity, lack of conscience, lack of feeling and empathy……..in short you have opened up a crack into their hidden world of nothingness and even to them, it looks horrific. And so primal rage spews out and the immediate need to destroy ‘the mirror’ holder as they cannot face who they really are.

        But the rage will pass because, before too long, they will need to find their next source of narcissistic supply – they will leave when they understand it will not be coming from you, ever again.

        Things will get better – with one day at a time. Remember to love yourself, reconnect with who you really are (you may be very pleasantly surprised) and deal with your own issues of hurt and grief. There is a lot of help here and out there.

      2. Hi Mel and Rita! I tried that exact line, re; ripping the mask down by telling my then partner exactly what I believed was happening and it got dangerous. It was the night I nearly didn’t survive being crippled with anxiety and other issues). So be careful when doing this, but to be honest (Mel you may agree), it doesn’t change them and they still will say it is us who have the issues, not them. Nothing said to them especially when they are angry or shocked to hear us saying stuff they just don’t want to hear is unbearable for them. It is followed with total denial and rage.
        The rage that followed after I said that was scary, and I am lucky I survived the outburst. So do as Mel says and make sure it is at a distance and if face to face (or face to mask) lol! then someone should be with you. Take care and focus on you. x

        1. Hi Jac,

          yes it is dangerous in person…not to be done that way…and absolutely NOT to worry about the response, or to try to get the narc to take some ownership…in fact that needs to be the closing comment and then BLOCK everything…If you fall into the narc ‘tit for tat rubbish’ then you will still remain hooked…

          Totally the response from a narc can be nothing other than denial and “YOU are the narc!!”

          Mel xo

  4. Wow. I have a pit in my stomach after reading that. You are right. It’s important that these things be talked about and said. I, too, suffered physically and know the true meaning when your own body maxes out and shuts down. These internal messages are truly real signs of toxic mass ready to erupt somehow, somewhere. It’s only a matter of time. I commend you for the courage to share and dedication to this very important topic. I spent over 10 years walking on eggshells when all along, those eggs were me. The more people are educated with the severity of this issue, the more people can be saved. I did all I could to try to understand the mentality and once I did that, I was able to put things into perspective and know that it never did belong to me nor have anything to do with me and I was able to release it completely out of my life. It takes enormous courage and commitment with determination to save oneself as scary as it is. God bless you!

    1. Hi Denise,

      Thank you for your support…I agree we have to really get very CLEAR about this…

      Far too many lives are being destroyed, wasted and lost.

      Correct Denise – that level of ongoing trauma means sitting on a time-bomb – and it’s not a matter of ‘if’ the breakdown will occur – it is a matter of ‘when’.

      The human apparatus and psyche can only take so much…

      That is so beautiful that you left and released yourself…

      Yay!

      God bless you too Denise!

      Mel xo

  5. Thank you Mel, for sharing this story. It is a great reminder of why I do all the healing, self care, journalling – for the knowledge to honor myself. If I honor myself steadily and truly as Life asks me to in all aspects of my life, this won’t come into my Life and if it does I will recognize it. It helps me to know if I do that I don’t have to fearful of having another relationship because I do the inner work and Know that great pain means I am off track.

    1. Hi Catherine,

      you are so welcome.

      It truly is a deadly reminder – of what the cost would be to EVER go back – either into the relationship, or digress back into the trauma of it.

      Narcissists do not have to be in your life physically to still be killing you cellularly if you are not efforting to heal yourself.

      Fabulous you are truly on that healing path Catherine.

      Mel xo

  6. I am not surprised by this after the physical manifestations I had during a 30 year relationship. What I thought was IBS and getting sick often have all vanished in the last 8 months since he left me. My therapist told me if my marriage had not ended, my life would have been shortened. I had no idea. Thank you for all you do.

    1. Hi Karen,

      Fabulous that now you are experiencing a harmonious environment (narc free) that your emotions and body are healing…

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased you are healing.

      Mel xo

  7. Thank you Mel..Before i found your site i was mentally confused and traumatized, later on developed and auto immune disorder…
    I left the NARC and put focus on me and the rest has been history…i have ways to go but am not where i was….When i was hooked, i saw no way out. Today i looked back and i can say its with deep gratitude to God, to Mel to the tools NARP that i disconnected….Thank you Mel for sharing this.

    1. Hi Rachel,

      That is so good that you chose to take full responsibility for yourself and your healing – and that you have made solid progress…

      There will be times of breakdowns / breakthroughs – they are inevitable and part of the journey.

      What is glorious is – I feel and hear that you are clearly moving forward!

      Yay!

      You are welcome Rachel – and I am so pleased this has been shared…and is being shared as we speak!

      Mel xo

  8. I stayed too long. 20 years. Every word of the article is true. No matter what,get out of a narcissistic situation. The future will be okay, no matter what your current life.
    I would have lost my life if I had stayed.I was very ill when I left.

    1. Hi Kathryn,

      it is wonderful that you are now out…and had the courage to get out…

      Thank you for sharing your beautiful message of courage to others.

      Blessings, hugs and power to you.

      Mel xo

  9. As usual, Melanie, you hit the issue spot on with unerring accuracy. As to the price the body can pay, are you familiar with the work of Gabor Mate, MD, who wrote When The Body Says No: Exploring The Srress Disease Connection?

  10. Thank you Melanie for sharing this story if there was any doubt in me for my choise leaving that devil then its gone now.
    I was with him for 36 years the last years it got worse to the point that I had to flee from my home because he threatend to kill me and my dog.
    Lived with my sister and her husband for 4 months before I got a place of my own, I am out now for a year, lost almost everything he even turned my children against me, became a grandmother for the first time in oktober, had to hear this from a ex sister in law on Face Book but I am slowly getting my health back.
    I am out now since a year and as I see what I have done and how my live has changed for the better I can only say that the Universe takes care when you say yes to life.

    1. Hi Astrid,

      I am so glad that this helped strengthen your resolve that you HAVE done the right thing…

      I am so sorry you have had to go through what you have – and it is wonderful you have the courage and determination to stay away…

      Keep love in your heart for your children, because one day they may return..

      Love rather than lies wins the day, usually – eventually…

      Big hugs

      Mel xo

  11. Very sad :(. After 25 years with my ex narc and a 3 year battle in the courts for the divorce, I too have cancer. At the moment I am in partial remission and enjoying my new life. While undergoing heavy chemotherapy earlier this year, my narc was selling the contents of our house and pocketing the proceedings … not one penny came my way or went to help our children who financially were struggling. So I believe every word you have written.

    I know I cannot change the past and live for today now. I am finally free from my narc and my children are now doing no contact with him too. This year my children and I will be together for Christmas .. the first time for four years 🙂 away from him and his family. I continue to spread the word and am grateful that I finally woke up. Listen to your body because it knows the truth. Sending much love to everyone. You can do it. Sandra xx

    1. Hi Sandra,

      That is so wonderful you will be with the children…and you are enjoying your new life after the battle you have had.

      Our bodies DO know the truth – absolutely!

      Thank you for your post Sandra.

      Mel xo

  12. It has been just a short month since I found your site.
    It has been a mere 3 months, since I changed the locks
    in my condo and texted good bye to the man I feel
    I have loved since I was 18 years old. I am now 52 years
    old just like marg’s friend. Been trying to have a relationship
    with thisThat was when I was 19 years old for about a year
    and a half. I am still trying to decide if he is a NARC.
    I don’t want to believe he is, but at times I have no doubt.
    He is controlling.
    He holds things inside for a long time. Then blows up. He is
    very contoled himself. I have seen him smash his sunglasses
    when upset. He expresses anger at random people. injustices he expresses daily. We live in separate homes.
    I still have a good job that allows me alot of time off.
    we travel a lot. I have abandonment issues.
    I asked him to marry me 9 months ago. His reply was, what if he wants a dog. He complains he is dying living in the small town we live in He has experienced betray in his business in the thousands of dollars. I told him I love
    my family, but I would move where ever he want to live.
    I told him I would sell my condo because he complains
    about keeping up expenses for 2 places while we travel.
    After 8 years of traveling without having my expenses covered while away , I told him I can not do this anymore.
    I had to make a list of my home expenses to detail and
    he covered the basics while we were gone for 3 months.

    I do not ask for money ever. He decides if we are gong to eat out or not.He is excited when we have only spent $10.00 in eating for a day. He is a millionaire. But everything is budgeted.
    He has absolutely no friends. I am the only one he communicates with now. He gave his business away 5 years
    ago. 3 lawsuits for 3 years I listened too.

    But what I don’t get. I found your site and kept no contact
    after the first month. His e-mails were angry . No I am sorry.
    He always justifies his actions. I have lost myself . I have made him my higher power in life. I belong to a 12 step program of recovery and sober for 18 years.

    Melanie I feel letting go of this relationship is the most insane process than sobering up 18 years ago.

    I second guess everything about my thoughts. I feel I can not
    have a balanced conversation. The last time I saw him.
    Just sat down for dinner after a long day of work and commute. He shut the TV off abruptly and said I wasn’t listening to him.
    He has not hit me. He does not show interest in other woman. He hasn’t touch or kiss me on his accord in 2 years.

    He has offered to go to marriage bootcamp.
    I feel guilty for saying good bye in a text.
    I feel guilty I didn’t try harder. I am secretly afraid of him.
    He has strong opinions , but says it so politically correct.

    I am going on now. But I have never repyied to anything ever
    on line about my life. But I am feeling so lost and confused.

    I am a social person , outside of our relationship. I am had
    several businesses I Have created successfully . But now
    my life to me is going to change drastically financially.

    Al this time off has left my pension very small.

    Maybe I should give it a real go with going to marriage
    ootcamp, were not marriaged . Maybe he and I can change together.
    Change is possible. I know I have before. I lost alot of my tools in life when I made him my higher power 8 years ago.
    I don’t know who I ma anymore. I allowed him to make all
    the decisions and I stopped even thinking what would I like or need. I have allowed all this to happen mysql. I set it up this way.
    must get some sleep. Idon’t even know where my comments go . I am emotional reck. Crying at a drop of a hat. Medipause doesn’t help I am sure.
    hanging on

    1. Tracy,

      Your story has touched me deeply. I am 57 now, but was about your age when my world began to fall apart. My story is too long to recount here, but much of what you wrote is mirrored one way or another in my personal experience.

      Here are some things you need to know:

      1. Yes, this man is a narcissist. Do not go to marriage bootcamp because it will do no good. Change is NOT possible. His offer to go with you is bait to keep you stringing along. (My N and I were in therapy 4 or 5 times over the course of 26 years with no progress because I didn’t realize what I was dealing with and no one ever identified it. Had I known, I would have been able to plan my exit.)

      2. Your fear of him is real and justified. Your intuitive body is telling you he is unsafe, no matter what he says or does to try and convince you otherwise. (I’m still digging out of the PTSD that resulted from being gaslit, stalked and slandered during the last year of my marriage. It’s been very hard without any job, money or healthcare, but I’m still here.)

      3. You DID NOT “create” this situation. (One of the hardest things for me to see was that most of what I blamed myself for was really his insidious doing. He just had me convinced it was mine, so I learned to mistrust myself. When everything crashed, I was horrified at what I thought I had “allowed” to happen. I know now that it wasn’t me.)

      4. There is someone out there who can help you make a plan for taking care of yourself. Find a family member, friend, therapist or social worker who gets how raw, frightened and mistrusting of yourself you are right now. Ask for support. (Mine has come from my wonderful parents and friends, but also from people and in ways I never expected. It’s been truly gratifying.)

      5. You are gaining membership in a sorority that nobody wants to join, but will remain absolutely loyal to you and your process. (I have discovered there are a lot of us out there who suffered in silence for years without knowing about each other. Women I knew in high school and lost track of for 35 years have told me their stories and what they have learned about the recovery process. Facebook and the internet are making it possible for us to connect right now. We are out there, we know first hand how hard this is and we care.)

      I did everything I could think of to give my kids a dad and a stable home by creating the environment of love and safety I believed would encourage everyone, including my N, to grow.

      You’ve invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship and I’m sure you have done your best, too. But it’s time to let go of the mirage he has created to lure you into his desert. Get practical about your own health and future.

      Remember, courage is not about being fearless. It’s about being afraid and doing what you know you must do anyway. I know contemplating this is hard when you’ve gone all in to the point of exhaustion, but it doesn’t change the situation. It didn’t change mine.

      Everything you wrote here is about how unfeeling, disrespectful and selfish the man who claims to love you really is. Focus on that because his actions convey how he really feels.

      I wish you courage and resolve.

    2. NARP Tracy, whether he is or isn’t a Narc, the only way to go – start the work for yourself on yourself and Heal from within. Its the only way to see the Light of what reads as a big Narc mess. Blessings 2 you as you Journey forward.

  13. Today one year ago the narc left me. I started with NARP in April. By now I have wonderful and loving relationship and an amazing job. I restarted my life at the other end of the world and it was the best decision I have ever made. Thanks Melanie for developing a program that enabled me to do it and thank you for this reminder of why I never ever wanna go back to a life wih such people in it.

    1. Hi Momo,

      That is so gorgeous that your life has turned around so much…

      You are so very welcome Momo, and thank you for posting…it does inspire people to understand that we can leave, we can heal and we can access wonderful states of being and life after being narcissistically abused.

      Mel xo

  14. I totally cannot believe how anyone can be so cruel, even though I should know! In the last 12 months, I have had 4 operations due to a tibial plateau fracture from a motorcycle accident. He was riding at the time and just “did not see the car” that T-boned us. He must have tunnel vision.

    It was 4 months before I could walk unaided. I got an infection which meant the pins, plates and screws had to come out after only 6 months with 8 months on antibiotics and a pretty mangled looking leg.

    When I was in hospital, he walked out in a total huff because I “had forgotten that he was injured too” Yeah, right! His injuries were superficial and he was riding his bike again as soon as it was fixed. I am still recuperating.

    Getting to the point, he refused to come and see me and to return my calls after I “forgot that he was injured”. When he did come in after 2 weeks, it was only to question me about when I was coming home. And he plays the caring, compassionate person when other people are around.

    He left while I was still in hospital and took a lot of my stuff as well and then promptly started telling everyone that I was the bitch. Total and utter character assassination was the name of his game.

    When I came home, I found a pair of ladies slippers under my bed (our bed at the time) and they were NOT my slippers. I have been told that he was at bars propositioning barmaids while I was in hospital.

    You know the story – it’s all my fault!

    I refuse to have any contact with him now and have done so ever since he left. Thanks to you, I realise that there is no point in trying to get accountability from him, so I have never, ever tried, thank goodness.

    I have had different friends (of his) ring me and subtly question me. The only thing I ever say is that I do not wish to start a “he said/she said” thing and feel that what he says about me makes a total lie of our 10-year relationship.

    1. Hi Tina,

      it is sad, and unbelievable to humans!

      However, it is not personal, in that it means we are ‘unlovable’.. Narcissists simply do not have the ability to connect and have emotions that define ‘humanness’…

      You should be very proud of yourself for dropping the need to get accountability – as that is a very big hook for many people.

      Well done on firm No Contact.

      Mel xo

  15. Hi Melanie,
    Whilst I wouldn’t even try to compare my situation to the poor woman , I too have escaped a narcissist . In my case he was my boss . After escaping i was unemployed , very sick and my family lost their home , three years on and things are a little bit better and I am regaining my confidence and personality,others are seeing the difference too. creatures are evil , they are predators and the day society becomes aware of them cannot arrive quick enough . Until then all I can say is keep spreading the word about these criminals and get away from them whatever the financial crises it might cause,if you don’t it could kill you , which is the end motive of these sick monsters .

    1. Hi Anon,

      it is very true that the narcissist’s ‘purpose'(survival) is to drain you of life force in order to emotionally exist – as well as have a ‘container’ to dump torment into.

      In order to relieve him or herself from inner demons.

      The emptier we get the more the abuse hits hard…

      The results are never good…

      Mel xo

  16. Hi Mel,
    Thankyou for this article. It is a tragic reminder to me to never attempt to appeal to a NARC’s sense of decency. We all have to learn that we are enough one way or another that the NARC is specially wired to use our hope and turn it into a prison….

    I have felt the pull a few times over the last 14 months since I left BUT I keep a shirt with bloodstains on it to remind me should I ever think about making contact again that there will just me more of the same.
    He has tried to get to me through friends by asking if I would like to come and see my animals. It still hurts as I was very bonded with them but I lost them all to him. ( Haven’t got to that Exercise in QFH yet)

    When I hold shirt and see the bloodstains I ask myself if I deserve to be treated better than this and the answer is a umm a no-brainer. The fact that he attempts to use my bond with my animals to re-hook me only serves to prove that his game is one of manipulation and torment and will hold over your head anything that is dear to me.
    I have said goodbye to the animals in my heart and am sad to have lost them but this is about getting away and staying away.

    I keep the vicious, smearing emails that were sent to me for the same reason. To this day I still cant read them, but they do serve as a reminder of WHO THIS PERSON REALLY IS…
    I would live in a cardboard box and eat rice cakes before I would go through that again.

    Only half way through my QuantaFreedomHealing, but I can feel me getting me back in ways I never had even before the NARC came along.
    Thankyou for sharing your message with the world!!
    Pete
    P

    1. That is such a sad story – to lose your animals as well as your hopes and dreams is so painful. All our stories have such a ring of familiarity about them.

    2. Hi Pete,

      that is so true – it is a deadly trap to try to earn compassion and decency from a narc..

      So many of us tried, and also got pulled back in when it was feigned…

      It was these moments that kept us in the game…

      I feel for you very much in regard to your animals…they truly are like our children..

      I love your expression “I would rather live in a cardboard box and eat rice cakes before i would go through that again!”…

      My expression is “I would rather eat ten steak knives sideways simultaneously!”..

      I am so pleased the Healings are helping you release the pain and come home to your True Self and peace.

      You are so welcome Pete 🙂

      Mel xo

  17. Is there a quick method to “center yourself in your body?” My experience so far is that there are some days where it still takes a lot of effort.
    In my 20 years of a narcissistic marraige, there were times that I prayed that I would succumb to that an illness or accident. If I had stayed in the relationship. I fear that an immature death would of played out. With no more strength to become an “over-comer” over each & every painful incident during the marraige, I walked away. Only to walk into what it truly means to be an “Over-comer!” And somewhere deep in my being I know now that it was not met for me to succumb to an accident or illness , and in some strange way I was being protected from my own prayers. Life isn’t done with me yet, nor am I done with life. I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I know now that with this breakthrough, my life will be fullfilled.
    I do have to admit that I do suffer from a physical confition in which I believe is a direct result from the abuse. I have a form if neuropathy in where I am physically numb, starting with the death of my longest nerve. Looking forward to the time when I’m not emotionally numb anymore & counting on the progression of my neuropathy to stop completely. ~Cheers to all the over-comers & soon to be over-comers out there! Your life is with it!

    1. Hi Marla,

      to get into our body means being able to loosen our shoulders, be aware of long, slow breaths, open our heart and just ‘be’ with ourselves.

      As soon as we are in contraction / fear we exit our ‘body awareness’ and our mind takes over in ‘survival programs’ (high range beta brain-wave…)

      We are NOT intelligent in high range beta brain wave, we are pumped with cortisol and adrenaline, and in reaction (fight or flee). Unless in an absolutely life and death situation – being in high range beta brainwave is NOT productive..

      So – yes, absolutely the goal is to be residing in our body, at one with our emotions, partnering ourselves and having access to inner wisdom, knowing, direction and self-love / self-acceptance. We can’t get ‘that’ through our minds.

      The issue with ‘getting in our body’, is that we may have so MUCH inner pain in our bodies that we can’t be with it – without feeling the pain too intensely, and getting thrown back into the painful thinking as a result. This is why I love processes (energetic) to release the pain from our body – so that we can settle nicely in to it..

      I totally believe, that if you were to release the emotions from your body that caused the neuropathy problem – that it would heal itself.

      I have seen so many incredible progressions with all sorts of nervous system diseases to not believe this.

      It is wonderful you believe it too..

      Mel xo

  18. your work has helped me a lot. I want to comment on what you just said. Its True that the narcissist will leave you alone for a certain period if you expose Them. Or take the mask of. Mine used to make me his Maid. i would wake up everyday and make him food for work and i dont remember a time where he would Smile and Say thank you. Instead he woke up everyday with mood swings and told me that its because he does not love Talking in the mornings…When our son was sick. He made it a Huge Job to come to the Hospital. As if he owed me to come. There are so many things that makes Him NPD. My problem is No-Contact. I am failing because i am doing moderate contact and i have to drop our child of now and Then. It is tuff but i am trying because i show no emotions when i do see him n i dnt even give him time to talk to me. Recently I had to talk with him and he Said :- I MISS YOU BUT I KNOW,IT WILL NOT LAST LONG AND WE WILL BE APART AGAIN. Then dats when i realised, the guy truely has NPD. My biggest fear is he blames me for everything and says I am the one who made him cheat on me because, I ALWAYS DUMPED HIM. Even when he made Small mistakes like:-Spend 2 days and not call me, ignoring my calls and text messages even whatsapp* silent treatment* and not spending time with me, quality time, switching of his phone and never making me his Profile pic on his whatsapp and remaining single on his facebook.. i know he is just Projecting these on me. Now it seems like all men do this.How exactly does a Real man treat you. with Regards to cellphone Privacy and social networks…

    1. Hi Mmathapelo,

      No not all men are like that – and that is certainly not a limiting belief you want to project out in to the world and continually experience – and or show up with decent men within the operative lens of believing that…

      When we realise people will always treat us at a level that we are partnering loving, approving and accepting ourselves – we realise it really is about uplevelling our relationship and self-love between us and ourselves.

      Then life follows…

      Mel xo

  19. Thank you for a empowering and empassioned article Melanie. I’m so glad that a friend recommended your website and i’m doing the NARP course. Leaving the Narcissist was the best thing I ever did, I didn’t even know what he was. He abused me especially psychologically . I was labelled and shunned by Family and friends for leaving the marriage. I had a full-on Narcissist for a Mother, so I married what I knew. I came from a very dysfunctional Family and survived sadistic sexual abuse.
    I had very little experience of Men, and was sucked in by The Narcs charm.
    Since I left him, and went NC with Abusive Family members, I have grown, and even completed a Uni Degree.
    Your site has helped me immensely Melanie, I wish I had known about Narcissism many years ago! Sadly my Sister is in a Narc Marriage but is in denial, she’s been with him for 14+ years and is now obese. she has totally changed as a person.
    I’m so glad I got out.
    lots love Kerry-anne

    1. I, too, grew up with an Narcissistic mother in a very dysfunctional family. Of course we marry what we know! Even now, I often find myself thinking that it must be me. How could my mother AND my partner treat me so bad unless it’s me? I know that it isn’t me but its hard to get my head around it sometimes.

      1. Hi Tina,

        It is very easy to accept projection when we have not established inner solidness and acceptance with ourselves.

        As a child it was impossible for you to differentiate between ‘this is my fault’ and what your Mother accused you of.

        Now as an adult you can work on yourself to be able to become a healthy adult to yourself – who does believe and tell you the truth of your worth.

        Mel xo

    2. Hi Kerry-anne,

      You are very welcome.

      The truth was – we weren’t meant to know until we did – it was our own journey of evolution.

      The great thing is that not only can we heal and evolve…(it wasn’t too late), that now, also – we can help others…

      I am so glad you got out, and that you have made so much of your life!

      What we need to understand with others who we deeply care about, is that they have the choice, but ultimately they have to make it – and hopefully when they have had ‘enough’ they will.

      They have to come to that place themselves, as I’m sure you realise…

      Mel xo

  20. I saw this video in a real estate training last week & it hit me so hard! I want to escape my N so badly & cannot imagine life with or without him another day! The pain of leaving is the same excruciating pain as leaving every time!

    My family has turned on me & they – meaning my Mom in turn has contacted my closest & best friends & now they all think I AM STALKING HIM since I won’t leave a verbally, physically & mentally abusive relationship w/what my counselors diagnosed as a Sociopathic Narcissist/Alcoholic/Extreme Porn Addict to name a few! My counselor said she’s never seen someone so damaged & evil to his core!

    If I leave, he says he’ll attack & pour acid w/Lye in it on my family members & blind & scar them for life, he’ll contact my employer & my state license & launch an attack on me in all ways & make my life such hell I’ll wish I was dead. Police can’t do anything until “AFTER” he commits a crime, threats mean nothing! That’s why a restraining order will just make him flip out & retaliate & won’t protect me.

    I feel so trapped, like I have this poison water I can’t stop drinking. And it does lead to illnesses & cancers & death! It’s a lose-lose situation & I can’t see any way out! I know I’m somewhat attractive, intelligent & this is so much bigger than me & any escape plan my counselors have strategizes w/me on has failed.

    Please watch this beautiful video is called the Miracle of Water. Think about our own bodies are made up of about 60%water & how damaging toxic energy & words are to us! It’s like the N is poisoning our water & we drink it willingly! SAD!

    I pray for each of you everyday & thank you Melanie for ALL you do! Xoxo!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPXHu4m0jiI&sns=em

    1. Hi Sunny,

      truly I feel for you…

      First narc there were times I truly believed I wss never going to get out…because of what he was capable of doing..

      Your situation is extreme.

      Sunny have you spoken to domestic violence workers? You absolutely need support..

      Mel xo

  21. Reading this brought back so many haunted memories… Always your fault somehow for his cheating, always when you are sick or had surgery or a baby, somehow your fault for inconveniencing him. I am free, walked out with two kids and suitcase each, with just money for my flight that I’d been collecting and hiding from the milk and bread money I was allowed. There’s always a way and doing your course has helped so much. Thank you xx

    1. Hi Sonja,

      you truly are one of the women I admire so much, who has valued your soul and the souls of your children…

      Yes! There is a way and you are living proof of that!

      Thank you so much for sharing – and much love and strength on your wonderful journey of being free.

      Mel xo

  22. I feel really sad about this woman. She lived in an abusive relationship for 28 years. I really couldn’t imagine the pain and suffering she experienced throughout her life. The only thing that gives me ease is that she finally decided to reveal her story to the world while she is dying. It warns everyone of us- the community of narcissistically abused- that leaving the NPD is worth everything regardless of its cost. I express my utmost condolence to this victim of long-term abuse and I hope she will live happily in her next life.

  23. I guess somehow it just seemed so inconceivable that someone would go to such trouble- such incredible time and energy invested just to deceive in such specific, personal ways when I held no meaning as a person for him- and even more bizarre to say such uncannily personal and seemingly kind things, without the tool of EMPATHY- that sometimes still I have trouble believing the whole thing… How could he know what to say so pitch-perfectly without an emotional understanding…? I’ve had the hardest time getting this through my thick head- because humans would never act like that, understand like that- it’s impossible…

    And it’s true, humans CAN NOT behave this way- narcissists really are NOT human, or as Sam Vaknin says, “fully human”. In this interview between him and Edwin Rutsch on Youtube on the topic of empathy, Vaknin (narcissist) describes the oxymoronic term “Cold Empathy” as the narcissists’ equivalent, having all the components of warm/real empathy, minus the feeling… he says narcissists were born people who originally had a lot of empathy, but got overloaded very quickly, overwhelmed, shorted-out, and consciously killed off the warmth in themselves so as to never be hurt again when they were young children. But they maintained the ability to have intuition about others, it seems, these intuitions just produce NO PHYSICAL/EMOTIONAL RESPONSE in themselves… So they have the circuitry for intellectual and intuitive understanding of others’ emotional states, but will NOT employ this knowledge in any way which could cause THEMSELVES TO FEEL ANY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS- they have permanently negated this capacity; Vaknin compares narcs to computers or aliens.
    I wonder if that’s why narcs seem so enraptured by you- because lacking any EMOTIONAL CUES from within THEMSELVES, they need to stay intensely focused on every visual and sonic cue to get the information they need about what you are feeling.

    It’s like language is just a tool to them- they know the grammar, but there’s no significance unless it’s for supply, same with music. Everything’s a tool I guess, nothing has any meaning.

    I’m starting to get it- I think. I too started to cry when I read about this woman. But then immediately I feel kind of overwhelmed by the magnitude of the problem… is there some way we could give narcissists some HUGE narc supply which could induce them to do some pro-humanity work which would quarantine them so we don’t have more victims…? What happens if they were all shipped to an island? Can narcs provide each other with supply? Can computers provide narcs with supply??
    As lovely as it sounds, it doesn’t seem realistic to just raise the next generation more lovingly (since there’s probably a genetic component, that might not even work)- I feel like this is a pretty big problem NOW.
    My roommate, in her fifties, tells me her (clearly N) husband watched as she awoke, “sick as a dog” after trying to commit suicide with sleeping pills the night before- he didn’t lift a finger, and didn’t call for help. Just watched.
    My own mother (basically Vaknin with long hair lol) also insisted I should focus on her needs when I was suicidal.
    If you can’t help the narcs, and I finally acknowledge you CAN’T. How do you help the humans? I would like to send this article to my codependent father, but my mother guards his email like a hawk, and I’ve tried so many times all my life with him.
    This is so crazy… this life is so crazy.

    I will keep clearing responsibility for my father, because it seems hopeless, but what about all of humanity?

    1. Hi Allyson,

      Sam certainly does provide incredible insight into narcissistic operation..

      I had some questions unanswered until I read his book ‘Malignant Self-Love’ and I got some very deep, intrinsic answers..

      It’s VERY true that narcissists, unlike people who are healthily working on empowering themselves, do not work at ‘first attention’ on their own inner emotional mechanics – they have an intense focus on others – on ‘the outside’ in order to work out how to garnish the most narcissistic supply, or what weak spots they can hit in order to maliciously offload pain.

      Narcs are generally repulsed by each other and know ‘no supply to get there!’…so I can’t even begin to imagine what an island of them would be..

      Total anarchy at best…(frightening).

      Ok – how do we help the humans…?

      Simple – we need a shift in consciousness – collectively. We need to make it know that personal transformation is VITAL – in order to take responsibility for our own lives, how solid we are in relationship with ourselves, how we are able to say ‘no’ and have healthy boundary function, and how we can reduce our insecurities that assign disordered people as the source of our lives.

      We need to establish a closing of the gap between our inner source and ourselves..

      And by doing so we would raise our children to ALSO establish a solid, inner healthy relationship with themselves.

      Then narcissists would not be able to deceive and mine, people would not allow abuse – and narcissists without being able to hook up narcissistic supply would become a dying breed.

      Anti movements only push back and energise what they are fighting against – Pro movements create a shift – and that is the shift this world needs. A shift in consciousness.

      Mel xo

  24. On the 5th December I wrote on this webiste:

    • But the worst was, and I want this to be out there, he ‘sensed’ when I was in a very difficult situation/stressed/vulnerable/had life issues that were very serious. This was always when he behaved in the most abusive, ruthless, annihilating way. I can only think it flagged up ‘in for the kill’ function in his mind/brain.

    I add a part of a mail I sent to his US wife very recently who has had her career, finances, health very, very seriously compromised:

    “Yes, did read the link – I am convinced something needs to be done about this. It’s simply not good enough that lives are put at risk/wasted/destroyed. Many of these lives belong to very good and wonderful people (and oft times people who have had their fair share of pain in life). We wouldn’t let our citizens swim in seas with sharks without clear warning signs in place would we? Let alone those who are young, the vulnerable, the bleeding……..

    This is no different.”

    I think how to proceed is very difficult and the lack of information AND warning about narcissism in the public domain and in our education systems is posing some very serious questions.

    Firstly there should be huge public awareness and warning as to WHAT WILL HAPPEN if you encounter a person with NPD so you have some opportunity for self direction and choice as to which road you to walk down when you encounter these individuals. The public must be made aware of the warning signs and they are there! It is no accident that these stories (now thousands)are eerily similar and why we ‘see’ eventually what has happened to us. We ‘see’ it because we each could be talking about the same NPD person!

    Secondly, if you are the partner/spouse/child/parent of a narcissist YOU WILL NEED HELP + SUPPORT without a shadow of a doubt because you will be so ‘destroyed’ that you cannot help yourself. You will not be able to think rationally and have no energy to deal with anything. On another website I watched a deeply disturbing short video on ‘How to become nothing’ and by that it means that YOU WILL LOOSE EVERYTHING AND BECOME NOTHING IF YOU ENGAGE WITH NPD INDIVIDUALS.

    I think Melanie is right to put up this story because I believe there are thousands similar and they deserve to be told so that there is some sense and some worth and hopefully some preventative action taken before it begins!

    Love and light to all.

    1. Hi Cheryl-Ann,

      I agree that the epidemic of narcissism needs to be much more public, IN CONJUNCTION with the realisation about developing and evolving ourselves.

      The problem is REGARDLESS of information and education – if someone has inner subconscious programs that are deeply ingrained from childhood – their mind can easily follow these inner programs (cognitive resonance) and make up stories that exonerate the red flags that a narcissist waves..

      I have seen this more times that I can count – people who know everything they need to know about narcissists and fall back into yet another one, because they have not evolved their inner subconscious programs (the pain that wasn’t resolved from childhood).

      Our mind is a very ineffective tool when pitched against the almighty subconscious (which drives 80% of our life as adults – at the least), unless we go deeper and really commit to our own healing and release from painful relationship patterns

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response Melanie.

        I believe education opens our minds and awareness of the dangers ‘out there’ and enables us to exercise some sort of choice. This saves us from the truly frightening disorientation of not understanding what is happening and why. It will save so many lives on many levels.

        I agree that our ‘inner drivers’ need to be brought to the surface, I have no doubt that many, many of us who have had our lives invaded and devastated by NPD people have unhealed parts that unknowingly drive our behaviour/thoughts/feelings.

        This information and knowledge must be in the public domain.I can so clearly remember my own search for some explanation and truth as to what had happened because I felt as if I had died and at least wanted to understand why. It is very difficult to put in words the almost immediate comfort of realizing that there was an explanation and a way forward, even if at the time I felt I would never have the energy or drive to move forward.

        For the first time in my life I have felt anger and instead of letting it consume me, have chosen to channel it to drive me on a path to wholeness and love.

        I am without any illusion that I have a lot to learn and a lot to heal.

        Thank-you for the wonderful work you do, Cheryl-Anne, x

  25. But yes, I agree, preventative action on a large scale seems to be necessary. There’s also the need to identify and combat ideas linked to narcissism in the media and politics as a society. And examine how we teach children to “be good”, which as Melanie has said, sometimes leads to the disintegration of the perception of personal power- especially among those with strong consciences… Maybe our whole concept of being good needs to be changed…

    1. Hi Allyson,

      no – in fact ‘being good’ wholesome and anchored in integrity and love is EXACTLY what needs to be educated.

      And to STAND for wholesomeness in our lives.

      But we need to FIRST become wholesome to ourselves…

      Then we would NOT need to justify, get approval, self-abandon ourselves and hand our power over..

      This is not about jumping the fence! It’s about taking a stand for what is TRUE and desired.

      Mel xo

  26. WE ARE ADDICTS. WE ARE ADDICTED TO THE CHARGE OF THE TRAUMA BOND. I DON’T SEE IT AS THE NARC IS CRAZY, AND I AM SANE. THIS IS SHARED SICKNESS. THIS IS SHARED ADDICTION, AND PROBABLY HAS BEEN A PATTERN IN OUR LIVES. SINCE STARTING WITH NARP I RECOGNIZE THIS ILLNESS IN MANY WOMEN I KNOW. THEY ARE DYING PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND SPIRITUALLY. IT IS DEEPLY INGRAINED IN OUR SOCIETY THAT TO BE SAFE WE NEED TO PARTNER WITH A “STRONG” MAN, IGNORING ALL THE RED FLAGS OF HIS NOT BEING EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY. YES, I FEEL DEEPLY SAD HEARING THIS STORY, BUT THE SADDEST PART IS THAT IT IS NOT A NEW STORY. THOSE OF US WHO ARE DOING NARP NEED TO STAND STRONG IN COMMUNITY WITH ONE ANOTHER, AND MAKE THE PHRASE “PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY” OUR MANTRA. LET’S NOT ALLOW OUR SISTERS TO DIE IN VAIN. LET’S GET EMPOWERED!

    1. Hi Charlene,
      You are right. We become addicts because we are looking to the outside for someone to fix us and make us feel better about ourselves. It is an illusion, it is not real. I knew the emotion pain, and through sheer dedication with FAITH, HOPE and trust within myself I was able to work through it. What we focus on is what we return to our lives. If we focus on the NARC and the trauma, thats what will manifest!!! Once that resinates (not just a thought in our heads, but you feel it in the core of your soul though your heart charka which is the key to connecting with your soul. (It is not the case of externally projecting love and walking around in life “loving” everyone, it is a connection to yourself that brings peace, like you are safe in the center of of cycone whirling around you. This is where the strengh and disconnection to all that is dark is found. It is a feeling and a knowing from within, not from the head. There is no fear only faith and this is what frees us. To free the emotional pain we must feel the emotional pain through our bodies without any stories in our head attached to it and keep doing it until one day it just stops.(like in NARP) I totally agree about the strong man who will take care of us. It was certainly a need I had. The great news is as discussed in the pod cast, my new man in my life since healing myself is a very strong mans man, but he is HEALTHY! They do exist. 8 months ago I drew a big heart on a piece of paper and put all my qualities in it, and on the outside wrote this is the type of guy I want in my life and if hes rugged and handsome that would be a bonus! Well let me tell you thats exactly what the universe delivered to me.
      Lots of Love Margy xoxxoxox

      1. Hi, Margy-

        I have gotten out of my 28 year remarriage with my narc. I never knew that this part would be so hard. I am watching my ex-husband taking trips and living an amazing life with his new girlfriend. My adult children are saying they think he’s probably healthier if he can take trips, something he would never do before. He was shallow and a nothing with our family. He never wanted to do anything ever. He smoked marijuana all day and hardly ever went to work.
        I am struggling with feeling like had I had a better job that payed more, or was possibly more organized with our schedule, or more outgoing, maybe I could have prevented his horrible behavior.
        I guess I thought I was stronger than this, but hearing about his amazing life with a professional woman makes me feel beyond awful, and I hate to say it but worse than when we all lived together. The kids knew then how sick he was because he wasn’t trying to win them over. I was able to have somewhat of a life because I stopped responding or engaging in what he was dishing out. How is this better? Will it get better? I’m so scared of my children and him all having an amazing life, going on trips, and I’m left with just being diminished, never having been able to work on my career because he would treat the kids so bad when I tried to go back to school, I have lost most all my friends, I’m also sick with an autoimmune disease from all of the stress. My head is spinning. Help!

      2. Hi, Margy-

        I have gotten out of my 28 year marriage with my narc. I never knew that this part would be so hard. I am watching my ex-husband taking trips and living an amazing life with his new girlfriend. My adult children are saying they think he’s probably healthier if he can take trips, something he would never do before. He was shallow and a nothing with our family. He never wanted to do anything ever. He smoked marijuana all day and hardly ever went to work.
        I am struggling with feeling like had I had a better job that payed more, or was possibly more organized with our schedule, or more outgoing, maybe I could have prevented his horrible behavior.
        I guess I thought I was stronger than this, but hearing about his amazing life with a professional woman makes me feel beyond awful, and I hate to say it but worse than when we all lived together. The kids knew then how sick he was because he wasn’t trying to win them over. I was able to have somewhat of a life because I stopped responding or engaging in what he was dishing out. How is this better? Will it get better? I’m so scared of my children and him all having an amazing life, going on trips, and I’m left with just being diminished, never having been able to work on my career because he would treat the kids so bad when I tried to go back to school, I have lost most all my friends, I’m also sick with an autoimmune disease from all of the stress. My head is spinning. Help!

    2. Hi Charlene,

      your message is a hard one for many people to hear…but truly it is THE empowering message.

      When we see ourselves as the generative source of our own experience and take responsibility, then we have the power to change our lives – and not before..

      Very true – many women (and men) have been incredibly disempowered by history, upbringing and conditioning – as were their mothers and mother’s mothers.

      We are now living in very different times – for the first time in history – where women can shine their talents to the world, know themselves, value themselves, and be seen and met as equal partners in relationships of deep mutuality, respect and genuine love.

      It is ALL of our responsibility to evolve our own lives and take responsibility to stand for Who We Really Are.

      I LOVE what you have written -and AGREE 100%…this is not about being victims. It is about growing, evolving and leaving powerlessness behind…

      Wonderful you are on that EXACT journey with many of your fellow sisters…

      Mel xo

  27. Thank you for sharing this story, it highlights the main traits of the Narcissistic personality disorder, namely No empathy & no conscience. This is a timely reminder for me as even though I have been doing no contact for 1 year & 6 months, I still find myself thinking about him & even still having feelings for him, he recently closed an email account which we initially shared when I first joined him in Canada, it was my primary email account for many years, I knew he would eventually close it, but I was given no warning & had a lot of work to do to make a new primary account & apply it to my other accounts etc. It reawakened a lot of pain, it was a small thing in real terms, but very symbolic of the callous disregard that N’s show their “loved” ones, however I resisted the urge to email him to say that some warning would have been polite & reminded myself of the old Sufi saying “the dog may bark, but the caravan moves on” it was a good feeling & it showed me that even though I still have moments of weakness much like any addict, I can resist & keep my focus on moving forward with my life. Much of the problem in breaking free from N abuse lies in how skilled they are in getting us to carry the burden of guilt, it’s almost ingenious, no matter how smart we may be, they have a way of warping our self perception, I’m still working this through & make a daily connection with my higher self, the angels & our divine mother, it has really helped me to start some real forward movement after a period of being very stuck. This is a serious & life threatening dynamic in our society & needs people like Melanie & all of us who are willing to share our stories of recovery & survival, & sadly the stories of those poor souls who stay too long & suffer what literally amounts to being tortured to death, love, light & blessings to Margy & her friend, & to Mel & all who have posted their comments. J xxx

    1. Hi Jyoti,

      narcs are very skilled at projecting blame and hitting all of your ‘weak spots’..

      That is exactly how narcissistic supply and dumping rage and projecting can happen…

      There is NO WAY to stop a narc doing that – it is what they all do…

      The way to recover is CHANGE YOU – heal all the parts of you that were susceptible weak spots – and then truly you will have no charge or reaction – it will be like a child’s meaningless antics… incredibly easy to detach from the memories, or even any new events.

      When you no longer have a corresponding wound that can be activated – there is NO activation. (Make sense?)

      And this is never about being ‘smart’ it is about us healing our unhealed wounds that are young parts of ourselves (before the narc) that made us susceptible to this.

      …and of course we may have to DIG DEEP to find that wound to release it – but it is totally doable.

      That is how to durably recover…

      Thank you Jyoti for your lovely blessings to everyone connected here 🙂

      Mel xo

  28. I believe that being with a narcissist long enough has severe effects on mental and physical health. Cancer being one of the latter. Some believe – and I am one of them – that cancer may develop because of a stressfull life. Surely narcissistic partners guarantee an overly stressfull existence. In the painfull story above however, I am inclined to believe there is a psychopath involved; the extreme version of a narcissist.

    1. Hi Twan,

      all narcissists (NPD) are sociopaths and conscienceless… with self-entitled agendas.

      That is ALWAYS dangerous and life-destroying to be connected to.

      They are all extreme…we are not talking about people who are simply thoughtless / careless who still possess a conscience and connection to humanity.

      This man is a common narcissistic case.

      Mel xo

  29. Last thought: Melanie, thank you so much for posting this article. For some people, healing may mean clearing all your personal pain and doing yoga and meditating and finding total acceptance. But I think outrage has its place too, and can be harnessed for good works. I’m not sure it’s bad to make use of negative feelings- sometimes that can be the spur to make a change… I will definitely share this article, for starters.

    1. Hi Allyson,

      It is very healthy to get pain out – rather than internalise.

      However, to vent, attack back and fume can only ever employ the mechanics of the Universe to bring that energy statement back to you…

      It also attracts more self-generating victimsed thoughts and feelings. It becomes an entrenched pattern..

      ..and certainly directing it at the narc equals ‘how to lose’.

      When we attack others – this is a very different energy statement than when we claim our own pain (take full responsibility for our personal growth in our bodies) and release it..

      I love energetic healing because it can make the purging process so powerful and fast – in order to rid our cells of pain – without having to do the old way of trying to cry it out continuously for (how long) and having to try to keep releasing the obsessive pain and thoughts that trademark being narc abused – which keep returning over and over again.

      Mel xo

  30. Very sad indeed. I am recovering from NA and know I still have a million miles to go. My health was also at a level of breaking point. I was convinced I was losing my mind. I let myself be sent crazy by my narc and will still be on medication for (probably) the rest of my life. Hopefully for everyone suffering – there will be a life changing experience that will be your wake up call to give you the strength to walk away (almost impossible, I know. Mine was his performance and yet another infidelity (as discovered,)lies and crocodile tears to my father minutes before he died last Christmas. I am now starting to realize I am not the ugly, unattractive, selfish person he continued to tell me. Hope for you all.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      it is so good that you are establishing your own self-worth and self-recognition that is NO longer the projection of what the narcissist was – on to you.

      Much love and strength with your continued healing.

      Mel xo

  31. Re Charlene (last last): I agree with everything you posted, except “we are addicts” because addiction, unlike npd, is not a permanent condition- that is the difference. We can frame it that we are currently recovering/used to be addicts? xo.

  32. Hi Melanie
    im still confused about narcissism, can narcissists have a healthy and happy second marriage? And will their next relationship work? Plz reply. Thanks

    1. Hi Elene, the answer is no, never! They will just go after the next source of narcissistic supply and exploit the new partner until they are an empty shell, kill themselves or get cancer. I almost died from a nervous breakdown, my so called partner was nowhere to be seen, blamed everything on me and moved on- to prostitutes, online sex and now has a “partner” who he exploits like a slave. So the answer is no, never! Remember, “God forgives”, a narcissist never forgives! He just moves on to the next source of narcissistic supply. Hope this helps, Elene.

    2. I was wondering the same after my ex husband moved in with girlfriend he was cheating with. I throw him out. Did not learn he was a N until therapy. No. Two times she was seen with bruised face. She has been asking around about his whereabouts, other women etc. I feel sorry for her she thought she had something special. I know she is being tormented, punished, and blamed for being put out after I found out about the two of them.

    3. Hi Elene,

      I prompt you to read up on many of the articles in this blog..

      What I am hearing is that you have not healed and wonder if the ex narc’s second marriage can be healthy?

      He would love you to think that…and would love you to be feeling and thinking exactly what you are now…that is wonderful narc supply…

      The answer is NO…for more reasons than I could fill up pages with..

      In short – there is NO person to have a relationship with…simply a person who needs to idealise others (early stages) in order to hook up with this person to get energy to emotionally suvive.

      Then when the narc’s insatiable appetite for narcissistic supply can no longer be appeased or granted adequately (an impossible job) – the narcissist finds ALL the reasons why this new source of supply is ‘not good enough’ and starts devaluing, discarding and maiming..

      Don’t envy the new partner in any shape or form – and heal yourself.

      Mel xo

  33. Anon, I am doing this, in a book, however not in English! There are other parts of the world where many need to hear the message. I will include some of the published posts as little stories to illustrate the severity of the abuse. Hope that Mel will publish a book of her own soon.

  34. Just ” celebrated” 34 years been leaving and trying to get free for a long time. Have gone.blind.once with severe cataracts, been suicidal and.depressed up to teo years ago, now have osteoporosis, neck back foot.pain. a new perceptive dr. finally asked enough questions to open my eyes. Yet, its the bright and shiny times, when he is reeling me back, when adult children side with him, or my doubts about, maybe it IS me…or well he’s not THAT bad….and I get pulled back in, because four of the five, newly adult children, side with him. He goes to church, I have given that hypocrisy up, too painful. The one daughter who understands says this after surviving an amplified, more dangerous version of her dad: ” Mom, I love my dad. BUT, if I had been your friend the first month you were married, id have said get the hell out” I didn’t, even smoothed things out between them, so she wouldnt be hurt on her birthday, and he is convincing everyone he has changed…AGAIN. OMGoodness….my body is screaming, im back to running to friends houses…hopefully the article will get through before I am simply a sad story. It is so complicated, with children grandchildren. I put him through college, homeschooled our children, and have no rrtirement,.

    1. Hi PJ,

      I am so sorry you have gone through so much suffering…

      It seems you are getting wakeup call after wakeup call…

      You need to put your life and soul first…

      For you AND your children and grandchildren..

      Mel xo

  35. I feel this woman’s pain deeply though my medical condition is not life threatening. Five months ago I kicked my Narc out of our house after 16 years living together when I discovered he was cheating (and he then lied about it, and refused to do counseling). I have been sick for the past 2 years with Meniere’s Disease, an inner ear disorder that causes vertigo and deafness. I had 36 vertigo attacks in 2012 approx every 4 days I was missing work, couldn’t stand up let alone drive myself home from work.
    While he put on a good show of “taking care of me” during the 36 vertigo attacks I had in 2012, after I made him leave because of the cheating, he revealed to our friends that he was “sick and tired of having to go pick me up from work,” and it was a nuisance to him. He denies having said this, of course.
    When he left I discovered phone records (of his cell phone that I paid for him to have, along with all his food and 90% of our mortgage payment… that’s another story), showing that while I was so sick with Meniere’s Disease (now in remission), he started phoning people all over the country, in states where he has no family or business (he’s a remodeling contractor) and I realized these were phone sex hookups.
    Of course the cheating this year was all my fault, because he said I “was not paying enough attention to him.” When I responded, “Don’t you remember how I was sick with Meniere’s Disease?” he replied, “Yes and when you got better, you never came back to the relationship!” There was a mere 3 months in between my last vertigo attack and his cheating in July. I had cried many times, telling him sad I was that I couldn’t have sex the way we used to because of my illness and he had sworn that it didn’t matter to him.
    Over the 16 years we were together family and friends kept trying to get me to see that he was verbally and psychologically abusive to me but I always defended him and said he had a “little anger management problem” and that “he was trying to control it,” and that I could cope with it. Today I say thank God I discovered the cheating so the mask came off and I realize now after 6 weeks of therapy, and Melanie Tonia Evans’ site and ebooks and program that these were Narc rages. People now tell me they can’t picture me, a successful attorney with my own business, three wonderful grown children, being abused this way but I tell you, anyone who’s been there, sobbing and crying with your head on the table or under your pillow while he screams and yells and berates you for hours on end, all the while telling you that you are selfish, untruthful, whatever mirroring accusation he has, will understand that you get sucked into his insanity until it becomes your reality too.
    I also finally understand the controlling behavior in everyday details of life, and the domination in our intimacy (if you can call it that – it wasn’t true intimacy), his rage and his jealousy of my children and the attention and love I gave them as a single Mom. He is a damaged, disordered person who has not resolved his childhood traumas.
    Now he is making up lies right to my face about our relationship, like claiming that over the years I was abusive to HIM! And that he repeatedly begged me to do counseling but I supposedly refused. I feel like the mask has come off and I am still in shock five months later that for the first 3 months of this separation I was “missing” the man I loved, who was a complete fantasy.

    1. Hi Margaret,

      It is soooo important that you stop trying to get accountability and ‘win’ these arguments.

      I KNOW (as we all do) how soulless the narc logic and excuses are – but TRULY you will NEVER win any of these arguments…

      It is vital to pull away, close the door – disengage from any of the madness – otherwise you are only handing over A-Grade narc supply to him – and bring your focus and mission DETERMINEDLY on healing you.

      Then you will anchor into genuine love – TRUE love for yourself and your life and the creation of ‘more of that’ from that empowered centre.

      Before we do that, we are trying to generate life from a wounded child centre…which a narc loves – he can strip you down and bare, when you are in that centre…

      Use this catalyst to heal and become the truly empowered adult that you were born to be… then you will generate your life in ways that you did not even know were possible before this necessary transformation.

      Mel xo

    1. Hi PJ,

      anywhere other than with a narc.

      Then life can begin – no matter what circumstances look like if you start partnering yourself in truth – life will find a way to support you.

      Living with a narc is not living your truth.

      Hence why your emotions are screaming…

      Mel xo

    2. PJ – Narp!! its the only thing that works or one on one’s with Mel. it’s the only thing that saved me and i’d seen been done tried all of the therapies psychologists, counsellors, women’s abuse programs etc. Freedom is a Beautiful feeling! Blessings to you!

  36. My ex narc has this kid of attitude towards his parents too, although they’re a neverending source of money to him and he tries so hard to play an ideal son most of the time. He always stated that him and his parents are “one”, that no one will stand between them and that they are “best friends” until one lovely day, when we talked about their future and worsening health his face changed into this “look at this pathetic world” superior mask and he said “well, they’ve done so, so much for you, so you’ll be wiping their arses, not me, sweetheart”. Ouch, what a loving son.

  37. In my case it wasn’t cancer that made me start realizing the impact of my relationship with a narc on my mind and body. It was psoriasis that appeared one winter when I was also really depressed and about 4 years into the relationship already.

    One day I started thinking about what may have caused my first bout of psoriasis and one of the first thoughts that just appeared out of nowhere in my head was: “it’s autoimmune, my body is telling me something”. I dismissed it at first, trying to look for a ‘rational’ explanation such as irritants, mold, food allergy, but these thoughts kept coming back. “I’m growing a thick skin, scaled skin, like an armor”. My body was trying to protect itself from toxic influence and was in an inflamed, alerted state! Immune system is also very sensitive to stress and distress – it may start failing or it may over-react and start causing damage.

    Guess what, I’m away from ex narc now and haven’t had any new psoriasis patches for about 9 months. The old stubborn ones are almost invisible now too. Now I know NOT to dismiss any messages from my intuition and my body!

    1. Hi Nive,

      thank you for your share…

      It IS incredible what our body reflects through dis-ease..

      That is so wonderful you are healing..

      This is GREAT that you have taken the wonderful lesson and evolved yourself!

      Our body / emotions does not lie!

      Mel xo

  38. Reading this made me feel ill. This was exactly how my husband behaved when my baby was critically ill on hospital and I was extremely ill myself. He was the picture of the perfect partner for the nurses and for the camera but behind the scenes a sadistic psychopath seeking out his next supply online. This story is the logical conclusion of a relationship like that. God rest her soul xxxx

  39. Very incredibly sad and horrific story but I’m truly glad that you got it out there Melanie for it’s a story that needed to be told. I even though never married to or having children with the narcissist, experienced all to well severely escalated mental, psychological and physical conditions basically after the discard/aftershock stage. At one point almost causing me to commit suicide (which had been totally against my character and strengths in the past) and the next time, a thread close to losing my sanity/mind forever. I realize now,that actually losing my job back then was the first best thing that could’ve happened (before eventually realizing that my connection/discard from him was a very strange and excruciatingly painful gift/life lesson) even though it caused additional financial ruin, strain/struggles in my life and I would have continued my highly addictive/co-dependent connection to him with a far worse outcome. I look back at this now and it all seems like a surreal and unbelievable dream, that version of me a stranger or in a detached manner. I know for an absolute fact, that I would not have come this far without determination, commitment towards recovery and empowerment and without NARP, Melanie’s other resources or the support of NARC. I’m so very glad that Margy was connected with her in her final time on earth and also that Margy is no longer the person that you met about 2 years ago Melanie…

    1. Hi Debbie,

      thank goodness you did not leave the planet!

      You are so wonderful to so many people.

      What is fabulous is that you know now you deserve also to be wonderful to you! And you are doing sooo well!

      I agree that it is so meant to be that Margy is connected with her friend in her final days…

      I am so thrilled that Margy did not end up like this lady (she could have) and has such a full, joyous and loving life now 🙂

      Mel xo

  40. This was a very moving radio show. It brought me to tears. These days very few things bring me to tears of sadness. It touched me because I know it’s truth.

    I believe/know that anyone that stays with a narcissist will meet this demise eventually.

    On another note, I heard an interesting saying the other day…”there is no I in team, but there are three I’s in narcissistic”

    1. Hi GA,

      It was moving – absolutely…

      I had trouble not losing it when Margy started crying….it is all so real…we know that devestation..

      But to have it as ‘the end’..with no way out?

      Very tough….

      Great expression GA – another one for ‘narcology’…!

      Being with a narc certainly is like living with someone with three heads!

      Mel xo

  41. My sister was married to her first husband who is a N and he was abusive to her and seeing other women when the marriage ended. He remarried a few years later to a lovely woman and they had two children together. Unfortunately when her son was 7 and her daughter 11, she died from liver cancer; a result I am sure of living in this relationship with my sister’s ex-husband. I was relating with a man quite some time ago now and he seemed to be really charming and nice; well-connected in a business in his local area. His wife had died 4 years previously. As we got to know one another, he would go off on trips for a few days and say that he would connect with me when he returned. During these times, he was unavailable for contact unless he contacted me. I began to feel anxious and disturbed and when I shared how I felt with him, he turned the problem into something that was my fault. I saw red flags and terminated that budding relationship since he had all the control over when and how we communicated with each other. I discovered that he also had a gambling problem and at the time I terminated the contact with him, he was going to buy a $150,000 car. I discovered that his wife, who was a very beautiful woman, died in the family swimming pool one day because she had fainted and fallen in. He was at home that day and did not apparently become alarmed when she did not appear in the house. He did not apparently go to check on her welfare either. It seemed extremely suspicious to me. Finally, one day I was listening to the news and a story came on about a woman who was murdered in her own back garden and found a couple of days later by her neighbours. A man with whom she had been in a relationship had killed her. She had terminated the relationship and he had come after her and killed her. I was chilled to the core when I heard his name. He was my ex’s cousin. When I heard that, I was really scared and so, so glad that I had left my ex when I did. Had I stayed, it could have been me being killed; just like the woman who was killed in her back garden.

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      wow your sister was very lucky to get out..

      How sad for that lady and her children…and for her to pass when they were still so young.

      OMG re that story about the man you knew….very creepy!!!

      Thank goodness you are not connected with any of that anymore…

      You have been lucky too – I believe all of us that got away are…so blessed..

      Mel xo

  42. I recognize this story. This lady could easily have been the woman-who-came-before-me (if-he-wasn’t-lying-about-that-too), the wife of the man I Loved, who succumbed 5 years ago to breast Cancer. I have heard it said that cancer (and breast cancer specifically) is a frequent occurrence in the victims of psychopaths and narcissists. While I was with him, I often found myself thinking that he would only be happy if I would oblige him by dying, even knowing that her death had failed to get him to stop devaluing and cursing her. When I think today of the beautiful life I had foreseen having with this man during his idealization phases, I think of her and how she got what I had wished so hard for, and wonder if she eventually allowed this happen because he made her feel there was no other way (she refused treatment and basically allowed herself to expire). I believe this happened to her because of the terrible stress she was under; I am very aware that not everybody survived their encounter with this man, and I pray for their daughter’s well-being every day. I feel grateful that my loved ones refused to allow me to become her, for if they had let me become as isolated and defenseless, I feel I surely would have seen her same fate.

    1. Hi Janeyfer,

      I agree – breast cancer is incredibly common….

      It is so about ‘not loving self’…

      How low must she have been to just let it take her like that….awfully low…

      Thank goodness you got out…

      Mel xo

  43. My mum died in March this year. She had been married to my dad for fifty years.Fifty years as a victim of Narcissistic Abuse. Dad was physically violent toward me and one of my brothers, at one point he broke my brother’s nose then charmingly told the doctor his son had fallen down the stairs. He forbade my mum her learning to drive, she wasn’t allowed to have friends, access to her siblings was restricted, she wasn’t allowed to babysit any of her grandchildren, he constantly called her a silly cow, they had no social life at all, visits from the grown up family were few and far between as he was such awful/scary company,But now that mum has gone he is playing the heartbroken widower and it is sickening. My sister refuses to have anything to do with him, my eldest brother died of a brain tumour in 2002 and my one other brother lives an hour away.Dad has 11 grandchildren and 10 great grand children none of whom will visit him.
    I left home as soon as I could and you can read my story at celia-turner.blogspot.co.uk
    Narcissistic Abuse- A Sadly Typical Tale.
    A lot of people were shocked when mum died but I wasn’t- I knew she was ready to pass. Sadly she suffered not only the abuse but also the crippling guilt attached to being brought up a Catholic where divorce was seen as a sin.
    I managed to escape and break the cycle of NA but I’m a lot younger than my mum.
    Sadly NA seems to be spreading, we have a very high profile case in the Nigella Lawson fraud trial which I hope will help people understand and recognise this evil menace.
    Melanie, if I can help in any way over here in the UK please let me know.

    1. Hi Celia,

      much love and condolences regarding the death of your mother. At least she is at peace now after such trauma…

      It is very true that NA is exploding – and with the necessary shift of consciousness this world needs to take – it is not surprising.

      We all really need to take first responsibility for our own relationships with ourselves, and be that example……and absolutely the world needs to recognise this…

      Thank you for your support, and your courage to survive your earlier life.

      Bless…

      Mel xo

  44. All of these stories are from females. My son is a victim of an N. I fear for his health and well-being. All the emotional states I’ve read here are the same for males. Society and culture expects men to be strong but being with an N means that most of them will suffer in silence and not get help. Why? The woman is always believed first. The problem is always compounded when there is a child in the equation. I am totally supporting my son so he knows he has emotional backup at all times. If my son leaves he will lose his child and me a grandchild. Is all this really that hopeless – no hope of cure? Surely not – I will keep searching for clues/answers.

    1. Hi Florence,

      please do know that there are many men in this community as well as women – and you are right the pain for a narc abused male is absolutely the same.

      That is very true that many men do suffer in silence. What is wonderful is that there are more men knowing they need help – and I have quite a few now as clients and there are progressively more men signing up for the NARP Program – which is wonderful…

      If she is NPD the cure is not her getting well – that won’t happen…

      It is awful for men and children, but he does have a right to access legally – and even 50% which is what many men with narc females do create.

      His child / your grandchild has a much healthier chance with co-parenting than him trying to stay and survive in the relationship.

      Mel xo

  45. This was a stong story. I must admit that I dislike the emotions of fear that it brings up and signalises. I am not sure that this is what we need to fintdthe guts to get out of our narcissistic relationship, to get out of it in a good way. We need to belive that we can do it. I myself lived with a narcissistic husband for 29 years. OK, I should have left earlier, but other peoples needs made it impossible. Still, I did leave. That was 2 1/2 years ago now. And I managed well. I live a much better life than I did for 29 years. It was not too late. Not that I´m very happy every day. I am sad some times and I feel lonely some days. But not as sad and lonely and confused as I felt in my married life, not by far. A The first months were hard and painful, but I´m actually OK most of the time now. My point is: for most of us is it never to late. That is what we need to hear, that is what we need to believe. I don´t believe that I am very unike, not more than everybody else. That is why I am convinced that it is possible for most of us to breake free and build a better life than what we had. For most of us is it never too late! For most of us is it possible to build a better life, no matter how late. To be more scared will not help us much when we feel weak. But to hear that it is possible and never to late will perhaps give us more curage an trust in ourselves. That is what we need.

    1. Hi Aurora,

      thank you for my post…and it certainly is my intention ‘It can be done’ and assist people to know that…

      That is the REAL message…moving out of being and staying victimsed, and healing our lives…

      So like this lady’s tragic life – it is not too late…

      Mel xo

  46. Ugh…..it’s so hard to believe I did it again! I remarried my narc. We were married 30 yeas. He is verbally and emotionaly abusive and has never owned his actions. He says it’s me. When I stand up for myself he projects onto me that I am the “rager” when in fact he yells and rants so loud it scares me. My adult children warned me that I was coming back into a marriage where he hasn’t and can’t change but i am the foolish eternal optimist and I realize that is due to my co-dependency issues. I was divorced for 10 years from him but we never let each other go. Why am I still so surprised at his cruelty? What was I thinking! I am trying to emotionally seperate myself from him and be happy in my own life regardless of his issues. But I’m human and I “engage” trying to win my point. There is nothing to win with a narc because he is blind to his illness. I won’t divorce again but I will learn, I hope, to thrive and survive. I am human tho and every once in awhile I need validation. Sigh….

    1. Hi Brenda,

      I feel for you – many people have remarried narcs….It is perfectly understandable how that could happen..

      It is great you are getting awareness, and taking responsibility for what you need to heal to get strong..

      When we no longer have to prove our worth to ANYONE on the outside, and we know we are the source of our life (not the narc) you will be able to disengage…

      It’s about finding out and healing – what it is within us that is not solid yet.

      We need to move past being ‘human’ to anchoring into Who We Really Are.

      Who you are presently ‘being’ is not the real truth of you.

      Mel xo

  47. Melanie,

    Thank you for having the courage to share this. As a person who recently left a narcissist and was raised by one, it is amazing how easy it is to go right back into the denial that led to my entrancement in the first place. We do continue to hope, to deny, to disbelieve the reality of these disordered people: they are SICK, there is something very WRONG, it is even, yes, EVIL. Please consider sharing at this level ever once in awhile. It is akin to an alcoholic seeing someone who is still drinking to remind them of the danger of their addiction.

    Thank you…

    1. Hi Laura,

      Thank you and you are welcome.

      I really didn’t have to question it – no matter how it would be received…I know that feeling inside which means ‘do it’!

      I agree totally – if we keep indulging the ‘addiction’ even when we know how much it is damaging us – only more self-destruction can come from that…

      Mel xo

  48. This is so true. My father was a narc and my mother developed colon cancer. The narc I dated had a wife of ten years who died of colon cancer at the age of 38. I believe both women developed colon cancer because they could not “stomach” the treatment they received from their relationship with a narc. Not only emotional issues are are stake here, staying can and does have serious consequences to our health.

    1. Hi Sara,

      I totally agree with you.

      Rheumatoid arthritis is another biggie, fibromyalgia etc etc – the list goes on and on!

      There are so many emotional / body connections – thank you for sharing..

      Mel xo

  49. Hi Anon,

    thank you for this gorgeous post…

    I agree entirely – they DO have a beautiful connection – a very blessed one…

    I am so pleased this woman could access Margy at this time, and feel genuine love.

    Mel xo

  50. Hello again Mel, angel of light. It’s not common for we males to share our deeper feelings. My mates are very supportive but deeper emotional issues are girly stuff. Harden the F&*# up is the usual advice. However some of us can be sensitive. Only those who have this narc experience can truly empathise. It has been about a year since I discovered that I wasn’t alone in my insane experience. I don’t need to recount how stereotypical this all is. The above sad story just reminds me of my own destructive experience. I spent fifteen years with a promiscuous devil that knew no bounds of age, creed, or marital status. She always had a subtle way of informing me of her misdeeds, just to taunt me, and any further questions would bring on the typical furious rage. I never had the courage to shake my codependancy and addiction to that sex. Of course she had so many other charms and qualities that I admired. When I realised the narc abuse, I should have left but instead I tried to heal her as I always had. I mirrored her narcissism back to her to get her to grow. Of course it didn’t help and made her hate me. She only got worse and crueller. Used me for every kind of support and still taunted me when she achieved a new sexual skill.” Aren’t you lucky to be the first”. I asked “whats that mean”- rage. I found an affordable councellor to help with the relationship. I attended alone for a couple of sessions, as she wasn’t that keen, and tried to inform him of the narc issue for help. When she finally made it to attend it just turned into a belittling and disregarding of my issues as she became empowered by the talk. A terrible blow happened after the second session when I stepped out to the toilet. It took her only five minutes with my back turned to arrange with him the next week private sessions for her issues only. I felt so betrayed by the whole process. My analysing only destroyed what was left of the romance I wanted to keep and we broke up, for the last time, just a few months ago. It’s been so destructive, losing my business and so much of my own self worth. I can so understand that bodily destruction is part of that process. I would love to get the recovery program but I cant afford the tag since my income Has fallen to the basic. My sleeping is limited, I dream her all the time and wake everyday to the emptiness mixed with bad emotions. Everyday is a fight to get the demons out of my mind. I wonder when this will end. I can see how it can kill you even when they are gone. I know she’s out there having her good times without a thought for me. She left me in such a cruel way that I can only have pain to think of her. I will fight for life still with faith and determination. My mates are my support and I have started a mens group called medicine men. Another mate of mine committed suicide six months ago. I don’t want to go that way. We men need to really open up and maybe learn a bit from the way women support each other. Yet at the same time still be men. Thanks for the awareness created.

    1. Hi Murray,

      you are so right that men can suffer in silence so much..

      That is wonderful that you have joined a men’s group, and that you are choosing to live on…

      It is also wonderful that you have taken the responsibility to name and claim the parts of yourself that need healing / attention…and the recognition of how you were showing up in this relationship that enabled you to stay stuck in the abuse..

      That is empowering and takes so much courage.

      It always inspires me greatly when I see men who do go to that level of inner self-reflection and be open about it.

      Thank you for your powerful share – it will help many men…

      Mel xo

  51. I would just like to say how sorry I am for this woman – and that the cruel behaviour continues makes me feel incredibly sad. Please can I recommend the Narp and Empowered Self courses – they may come after safety is ensured, but they create healing at such a deep level: body, mind and spirit.

  52. wow…i truly believe that narcissists can be possessed by demons that take away their emotions. it sounds medieval but it could be true. the spiritual world is very real, which is how the woman w/ the cancer knew what was causing her cancer, she knew this deep in her spirit….she was being spiritually attacked by a person engulfed be evil spirits….

    1. Hi t-t,

      there certainly is an ‘energy’ with narcissist that defies what we know as ‘normal’ and ‘human’…

      The psychic violation and psychic chords are incredibly intense, unless you know how to dissolve them and block the narcissist continuing to ‘crawl under your skin’ and taking up space your mind and your being.

      We are all spirit having a physical experience and narcissists are without any doubt – spiritual (life-force) energy vampires..

      Mel xo

  53. Dear Mel and everyone! Firstly thank you for sharing this tragic story and after listening to it, even during listening, I had a cry for this lady as I truly understand how she suffered at the hands of someone with NPD. I sympathised with her regarding her illness, but as I have not had cancer, can’t begin to imagine how that alone would have felt for her. Margy, my heart goes out to you and so sorry for your loss of your dear friend. She would have loved having you as her friend and beside her, it would have given her extra strength.

    As for suffering from Narc abuse, well it doesn’t get any easier. In fact, the longer one hangs on and tries to fix them, be there for them, love them, do everything to make the relationship work, at the cost of our own health and well being is heading for an uncertain fate and the more one hangs on, fearful of loosing ‘the dream’ will end up physical and emotionally drained of all life. Thankfully I listened to my instincts and something inside me got up and climbed out of the black hole I was creating for myself. I was having physical warning signs, and emotionally had nothing left to give, so decided to give myself a chance at life and leave. Thankfully life has been a wonderful healing journey since and I continue to do the work and heal within every day.

    Anyone who is living with an NPD, seriously needs to stop and listen to what your body is telling you. If you feel odd or something is off, it usually is. I would never have walked away from my then partner if I believed he truly wanted to face his demons and heal, take responsibility for his actions and malicious behaviour but he didn’t. To this day (2 years on) I have seen no effort that he wanted to make things right. I hung on hoping for a long time, but it is false hope as they won’t change.

    Please be certain that once you find that part of you that was/is lost, climb out of the black hole, when you do the inner healing and come home to yourself, you will be in wonder as to how we could have lived that life at all. Staying in any toxic relationship whether it is with an NPD, or other disorder is suicide. Of course there were many good times and what seemed like genuine love, compassion, caring adoration, thoughtfulness etc but if it was/is coupled with abuse then it wasn’t or isn’t real.

    Take care everyone and we can all find out way out of blackness to the light of life. x

    1. Hi Jac,

      you message is very important…

      Staying with a narc is like trying to bail out a ship going down with a cup.

      You just drown deeper and deeper in abuse and pain, and the cracks everywhere just get wider.

      I agree it is suicide, because eventually there is nothing left for you to sustain your own wellbeing.

      The truth is – REGARDLESS of how ‘wonderful’ the narcissist appeared at times, do not confuse this with the bad times…

      No-one capable of NPD behaviour can be ‘genuinely good’…conscienceless behaviour does NOT reside within the healthy limits of goodness…where people DO NOT have even the ideas (thoughts) let alone the capacity to operate in such extreme pathological ways.

      The good times were not real…the real character of a person is how they operate when emotions are put under strain. And with narcs atrocious behaviour happens on a hair-line trigger that non-disordered people would not bat an eyelid at..

      Mel xo

  54. To add, I have two family members, plus a dear friend who have suffered from and survived breast cancer and other cancers, one is my mother. Margy, I hope you are recovering well now and I know you believe you will beat it and life will go on. One of my family members who had aggressive breast cancer was involved in a 40 year marriage with what may have been with a narcissist and she has left the marriage with her genuine self in tact and has built up much strength within, now happily single and loving life. Had she known about energetic healing, then I believe she would have arrived sooner back to her self and avoided cancer. As for the others in my life with similar experience, they have all been/and some still are involved with an NPD, or toxic relations that they are just unable to leave for whatever reason.

    When the first signs of physical illness start, then to me that is too late. I hope others out there can listen to their body and if it feels wrong or things don’t add up on a daily basis, if you start questioning yourself, doubting yourself, butterflies in the stomach, ice through the veins then that is your body telling you to act. Be safe x

    1. Hi Jac,

      it is so important to align ourselves with wellbeing, harmony and health…

      Disordered people are not responsible for providing that for us,…

      We must own that responsibility to ourselves.

      Our body tells us when we are not being the effective guardian of our life.

      Mel xo

  55. Yes I have to agree, this kind of evil is so unfathomable and insidious. It seems beyond human effort to heal or defeat it. The cunning ways of these people seems beyond mere human intelligence. My ex narc was actually not that intelligent so how come I could not outsmart it. There really seems to be a deep dark force behind it. I often said “tool of the Devil”. The devil looks after his own they say. he loves to cause grief to we who have true hearts just to bring us down and uses those tools to do it. They receive their carnal rewards along the way but in the end they’ll reside you know where, a dark place. My ex narc rejected Gods peace and healing. Yes I do believe, demons do take over empty lost souls and use them to cause pain and suffering in the world. I tried to save her but I guess she’ll go to hell. Deep inside she’s already there.

    1. Hi Murray,

      This is never about ‘intelligence’ in a cognitive sense…it is about emotional intelligence.

      The ability to be a healthy emotional source to ourselves, not need our emotional validation, self-love and self-worth to be enmeshed with another person’s ‘value’ of us…and to be a healthy source to ourselves.

      Many highly intelligent people struggle greatly with emotional awareness..

      Narcissist have very low emotional intelligence, and a huge degree of strategising, manipulation and fabricating going on in their heads to try to get their needs met. The narcissist tries to control his or her environment incessantly in order to ‘feel better’ (impossible and never-ending task) – rather than being anchored in their body and healthily providing ‘good feelings’ for themselves.

      The more we are living in our heads through trying to control and strategise our life, rather than generating it for a healthy emotional adult centre – the more susceptible we are to being derailed by narcissists.

      Being derailed means looking to the outside for your sense of self..

      THEN we are controlled and sucked dry…

      Mel xo

  56. Thank you, everyone. This sharing was great. To Allyson, thanks for your comment. I found that after being “free” of narc abuse, it happened again when I was in a vulnerable period. Never did I think this “addiction” would return, but it did. That’s why I feel so grateful that Mel has created this brilliant program of recovery. Mel, thank you for your comments. I think that even though we live in a progressive era, even young women often feel pressure to marry, and although many maintain careers, some are still stuck in the expectations of their mothers and grandmothers. Margy, lucky you. Maybe I’ll do that “Heart Thing” before Valentine’s Day this year! Blessings to all!

  57. Are there different levels of narcissism? Can they fit some of the signs perfectly but not all?

    My fiancé has a serious problem with ‘admiring’ woman. They can be on tv, in passing vehicles, in pictures, and of course in person (anywhere and everywhere). This has been the subject of many arguments. He has of course made it my issue and I am too sensitive, and his actions mean nothing, etc. He actually said that he could understand why women would become lesbians because there are so many good looking women out there and so few good looking men for them to choose from. Is this statement just arrogance? During one of the arguments he made the statement “do you know how many women would like to be where you are?”

    There are so many more things he had done and said but one thing I’m pretty sure makes him a narcissist is his ability to go from one woman to another without ever looking back or showing any feelings of loss or sadness. He makes it obvious that he would not hesitate to look for another woman if it didn’t work out with us because he has no intention of being alone.

    I could go on and on. I read the words that you all write and so much of it sounds like him but he doesn’t seem to fit everything. So, my original question is, are there different levels of narcissism?

    Thank you everyone for your courage to tell your stories. I do talk to God and sometimes I ask him if maybe it’s my time to come home because I am so tired.

    Cyn

    1. Cyn,
      All narcs have that sense of entitlement or belief that other people are just objects to be used. Yes, your fiance is likely a predatory narcissist who displays an obvious lack of conscience. The real question to ask is why you love a man who manipulates you by threatening you with other women. Is that all you’re worth? Did you know that this manipulation is called emotional abuse?

      I know from experience what it’s like to deal with this particular issue, and it took two years for me to finally realize that no matter how wonderful my narc seemed to be apart from this particular behavior, his only true commitment was to his quest for supply.

      I had to look deep into myself to figure out why I thought that kind of behavior looked like love. I traced it to beliefs generated from growing up with parents I could never please. Thanks to Melanie’s work, I was able to let go of the struggle, change my fundamental beliefs, and grow to the point where the narc never crosses my mind.

      To answer your actual question about levels of narcissism, the defining characteristics are usually described as a lack of conscience and an inability to truly empathize with others. Read Melanie’s articles if you feel you need a check list. My questions for you are these: In the unlikely event that he is not a narcissist, are you still willing to put up with emotional abuse? And if you are, why? What greatness of his soul could possibly cancel out the fact that he is treating you this way?

      This current post of Melanie’s and the comments that come after it are even more heart-rending than usual. I am here to testify that it is indeed possible to break the addiction to the narcissist and move on to a wonderful life. The first few weeks that I spent finally facing myself were not pleasant, but once the peptide addiction was broken things got considerably easier. The end result for me has been better health, new peace of mind, and the realization that I live in a supportive universe. This past year I have met a wonderful, sane man who treats me as I should be treated. We are planning to be married in 2014.

      Good things will happen for everyone who does the work. Cyn, my prayer for you and for everyone else in the clutches of a narcissist, is that you will have the motivation and self-regard to heal before its too late to leave. It can be done and be done successfully. A day really does come when the pain disappears. To be honest, the work of self-healing never ends, but it gets so much easier with practice. May the angels watch over all of you and keep you from harm, self-inflicted and otherwise.

  58. After reading this article, I’m afraid that the anger I thought I had dealt with has resurfaced again. I’m finding it incredibly difficult to control my language at the moment.

    1. Hi Nic,

      perfectly understandable, and as always this allows us to realise (when heavily triggered)- there is something here within me I need to release yet.

      That is the gift in these triggers, because if we investigate inwards and release THAT painful trapped emotion, we move up into an even higher state of wellbeing and emotional freedom.

      THat is EXACTLY The process to grow and evolve…

      Mel xo

  59. Dear Mel,
    Could you please explain why you believe it is ineffective to take action in society while we heal- as part of our healing and also for the well-being of others? I do not know how long it will take to heal completely, and would like to make a difference right now.
    I feel like maybe being completely at peace about this might be unrealistic- we are human, and if we don’t numb ourselves out completely, stories like this one ARE GOING TO CAUSE SADNESS AND ANGER- as it clearly did for many of us. I am pretty sure that this shared sense of injustice in the case of this extreme tragedy you write about arises not ONLY from our own uncleared pain, but also simply BECAUSE WE ARE HUMAN… I feel it would be a mistake to clear normal, empathic feelings for fellow human beings. thoughts much appreciated, xo.

  60. I reblogged this post if that is Ok with you. We need to get the message out to as many people as possible. It is amazing how many narcissists and other high conflict personalities exist in the world now – or is it just that the www let’s us finally share our stories with people around the world. Keep up the good work.

    1. Hi FT,

      thrilled for you to re-blog!

      I believe they are being flushed up to the surface FT…life is demanding authenticity now and False Selves are struggling and cracking everywhere …

      Thus I think we are going to see so much more of this in these present times..

      Thank you and you are welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  61. Thank you Mel and Margy for sharing your insights. It has reiterated for me the fact that this is a global disease. I hope your friend finds some comfort and light in her journey. Lots of love and thanks to you both.

    Jane

  62. Thank you Mel and Margy for honouring this lady’s life and journey in this way. Also, if I may, sending love and prayers for her . May the Angels bring her peace.
    I was not shocked by the article; knowing only too well that not all such devastating, destructive relationships end in success stories.
    And in the end, we are all one; when one of us is hurt like this, part of our hearts and souls feel what she has felt , the loss of hope, the despair, the betrayals, the humiliations….none of us is separate in that sense. And every single person who has responded here , feels for this lady and also sends her love I’m sure. When I read every post here tonight, my heart hears the words and sees the experiences described. As again, I’m sure everyone does. So Mel, thank you again for sharing the reality of this lady. Perhaps she may even be comforted to know that she is a lighthouse for others . Her courage and endurance are moving. Enduring terminal cancer and the scornful, blaming , contemptuous response from the narcissistic partner , my heart fills with tenderness for her…When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I received a contemptuous response also.; albeit carefully veiled for public view. Then he departed, saying it was too much for him….only to return , all smiles after the gruelling treatment phase….they can’t survive any situation that’s not all about them…I remember the rage elicited in response to my sister’s death…because I went away for week or so to attend her funeral and be with my nieces…Margy my love and gratitude are with you too. xxxx

    1. Hi Val,

      thank you for your love, warmth and heart…

      Most narcs absolutely can’t bear the attention elsewhere and are horrendous in times of need..

      Altruistic narcs on the other hand use ‘caring’ and ‘coming to the rescue’ as means to foster dependencies, bolster ego – and to use as a weapon for entitlement in the future…Their attention comes at a horrible price..

      Much love back to you Val.

      Mel xo

  63. Hi Mel, sorry just found that you had responded to an earlier post- thanks. What I meant about reconceptualizing ‘being good’ is that many children are taught that being good and being true to yourself are two different things, taught to focus in an unbalanced way on others, and that this is something we could reenvision as a society.
    I feel like you are right that ‘anti’ movements don’t work, but I wish there were something on the more ‘pro’ side of the coin I could do besides self validation and advocating self-validation….
    Any suggestions?

    1. Hi Mel,
      I can’t get this story off my mind, it really touches me. Your depiction of how the narcissist does not change is right on. It brings chills to my spine to remember how it felt to be under his thumb. I have been in a stage of self sufficiency since my narc experience ended. I have come a long way, but still struggle with feelings of guilt and regret over the pain I caused my children and all of the material things that I lost. This story has caused me to reflect upon my own life and realize what a short precious time we all have, and how important it is to try and live life to its fullest. I am resolving to once more fully focus on my healing in order to overcome these feelings of resistance, and also to begin letting people in to my life again. We are all very lucky to have overcome our narc experiences. By reaching out to others we can help to prevent this type of tragedy.Any of us could have found ourselves in the same position as Margy’s friend, it is the nature of the beast. My thoughts and prayers are with lady , i hope she will find peace.

      1. Hi Rosalie,

        You are spot on – life is too short to be encumbered with painful trapped emotions that are holding us back from living the best life we can experience.

        Brilliant this has given you the motivation to release your resistance – because then you WILL evolve into your best self and best life – way beyond who you were – even before being narc abused..

        Thank you for your thoughts and prayers Rosalie..

        Mel xo

    2. Hi Allyson,

      that’s okay!

      I agree that first focus must always be on being a good and healthy caretaker of self…because there is no ability to be healthy and solid in life with anything or anyone without doing that FIRST!

      It is astounding how self-love, self-value and self-worth has been so ignored and even discouraged!

      Truly how could you be ANY more powerful that teaching people to come home to themselves Allyson?

      Not only do they become a vibrational match for ‘more of that’, they also would HIGHLY value their self-worth and would NOT put up with abuse…

      Being anchored in authenticity in your body means you LISTEN to and trust yourself.

      That is the GREATEST defence anyone could ever have against sociopaths.

      Yes bring information about narcs out in the open – but by NO means believe that is the answer to stop abuse…

      Mel xo

  64. Dear Melanie

    I’m picking up on some of the responses to this appalling (but all-too familiar) story to ask if you have any ideas about how to raise NPD Abuse awareness visibly and urgently in the UK.

    I’m staggered by how little awareness there is – amongst both the general public and healthcare professionals. Since I emailed you a year ago thanking you for your fantastic work and lifeline website, things haven’t improved here – despite the fact there’s so much of this kind of abuse about. The incidence just among my own circle of friends – all vibrant, intelligent, successful women – is amazingly high. But not one had the first clue what was happening to her. My recent mention of NPD Abuse to healthcare professionals in the context of my own health issues was met with blank stares.

    Like many of us I’ve been trying to spread the word. I feel I have a responsibility to do this, and I don’t want my experiences to be ‘wasted’. I hope this will help with the sea-change you’re already doing so much to bring about – a shift in focus away from the Ns themselves and onto the devastation they cause and how that can be prevented. But in the UK not only is this sea-change not happening fast enough, we’re not even in the water. We’re still stuck on dry land, marooned on an island where most people have never heard of NPD.

    Since my Big Rug Moment it’s taken me four years to get to the bottom of what’s been going on. (I was gazing down at one of my N’s many rugs when he metaphorically pulled it out from under my feet, knowing I was exactly at the point of no return in cutting previous ties to be with him. He collects rugs like – as I now know – he collects women. Each new one is put it in the living-room so he can enjoy its bright colours. Once it’s been thoroughly trampled on and the colours have begun to fade he relegates it to another room. Some rugs are rotated throughout the house – sometimes closer to the living-room, sometimes further away again – while others are banished to the shed to be consumed by the moths. I had no idea I needed to turn this particular rug into a flying carpet immediately…) That’s four years too long – although a comparatively short time given the decades others have been stumbling around in the dark.

    Now that NPD information is available, another single millisecond of NPD Abuse suffering anywhere is unacceptable and unnecessary. How can we get to a position NOW where every person who’s been abused can understand what’s happened and find out where to get help – and every person who hasn’t is savvy enough to avoid it? The effects of Narcissistic Abuse should have same status in the public consciousness as any other condition which causes mental and physical illness and death. Surely the statistics and potential for change are justification enough for diverting resources to where they can really make a difference. For every one N there are many victims. And while Ns are beyond help, victims CAN be helped – and NPD Abuse CAN be prevented. (Apart from anything else Narcissistic Abuse must be costing the UK National Health Service a fortune in misdiagnoses.)

    I agree of course that our own individual healing is priority. But surely there’s more we can do at the same time to get the message out. There are obstacles. NPD is mind-bendingly incomprehensible to those who’ve been abused, let alone to those who haven’t. It’s often difficult to articulate what we’ve been through because of shock, disbelief and shame. There’s the street angel/home devil aspect, and fear of retaliation. But the red flags and extraordinary degree of commonality in NPD behaviour – as if we’re all talking about the same person reading from the same script – should make a clear, basic message possible.

    We have an excellent daily BBC Radio 4 programme here – Woman’s Hour. Might you consider going on that?

    1. Hi WM,

      truly the issues you are describing are world-wide. Certainly not just in the UK.

      It is gorgeous that you have this passion, and calling….

      To connect to it, go deeply within and ask yourself ‘What is my next step?’…truly your soul knows and if you follow your intuitive cues you will know what to do…

      Yes I am willing to raise awareness on any medium that asks me to speak…

      Mel xo

  65. Mel,
    As always- your blog articles move me so much, as well as NARP and the QF courses, which I’m doing to deal with what comes, and I’m very grateful for that.
    Margi: you are an incredible friend. I listened to you talking on the radio show and your love for your friend and your pain went through the radio waves and touched me. I’m sure your friend is as loving and beautiful as you are. My heart goes out to her, and you.

  66. My story is an ongoing one. I met a man 8 years ago, right after a divorce from a raging alcoholic. My kids were 3 and 7 and Tom, the man that I just met was my knight in shining armor. He adored me and seemingly my children, he had extra money to help me pay the bills, he took on a father role when my kid’s father did not contact them anymore. It was good. Tom did pronounce that he was one of the most intelligent people that he knew. He continually said this and began talking down to me and many others. Nobody could ever be smarter. Tom is also an evangelical born again Christian. Then we got married. Tom had 2 older girls 13 and 15 at the time. Our kids were 7,11,13 and 15 when we got married. Everyone but the 11 year old is a girl. Within a year Tom began emotionally abusing my son (unbeknownst to me). He called him a loser, worthless piece of sh*t, stroke, EVERY time he saw him. It is worth noting that my son is of gifted intelligence. It was hidden and covert, all under his breath but so my poor son could hear. After noticing my pictures of my son being turned around, the cable being turned off when he was watching TV and my son withdrawing more and more I finally learned what was going on. Tom was tormenting my old child. A child who already had his father leave earlier in life. Tom initially denied everything then he admitted to a story that was very much more “light and kind” than reality. I left with my kids for a month and Tom relentlessly pursued me to come back. I did go back with the absolute promise that Tom could never, ever abuse my son ever again. Well, its been a year, my son is nearly 16 and he has just informed me that over the past year the emotional abuse has never stopped. Tom never even stopped abusing him. I know I need to leave but my kids do not want to go. My son does not want to leave as he says that he can put up with it until college, he loves our house and does not want to downgrade. My daughter actually has a good relationship with Tom but I feel that she is also a pawn to him to help me not want to go. I know I’ve been severely betrayed and Tom is not trustworthy. I do not love him any longer, I simply want the best for my kids. My child is tormented and because of that, I am too. Tom is now denying everything that has happened over the past year. There is no admission at all but he is claiming that God can help us all change. I am so stressed I can’t think straight. Ugh, please help. Sarah

  67. Hi,

    Just a quick update…today I left! I thought I would have been more excited that I was leaving that awful relationship that I have suffered for the last 5 years. Today is the start of freedom and a life free of controlling and verbal abuse. I know it will be hard but as I drove up to my new place that fear I use to experience every time I was going home has gone, so one step at a time. I know I have already been replaced but at least I do not have to care about anything they say or do anymore.

    1. Wonderful for you Del! The new year is near, so I wish you a happy new year journey toward warmth, light, love and welcome home to yourself.
      Say goodbye to pain, suffering, sadness and hello to your new life. x

  68. I am truly sorry for Margy’s friend. I can identify a bit with the lack of empathy a narcissist has. My 21 year old daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia 1/2012 and she was living with us at the time. I spent time trying to be all that I could for her and scared about finances. He purchased a brand new Harley, was texting other women and eventually made my daughter move out. I worked for the past year getting myself together so I could leave him and I helped my daughter financially which he later found out and got very angry. In October of 2013 I found an email from him to an attorney and they planned to have me thrown out of my home keeping my belongings so I follwed the plans detail and did exactly what his attorney told him to do right down to go to the courthouse and file for an order of protection. By doing this I was able to stay one step ahead of this terrible person and gather my belongings, hire an attorney, find a place to call my own, etc. I was even suffering from an autoimmune disorder that I developed in 2011 because of my emotional pain I am sure. Well it’s been over 2 months and I am totally divorced, got all of my belongings and then some, half my home equity up front and I am feeling terrific and studying like crazy to never fall in the narc trap again. My daughter actually went into a medically induced remission just a month after she left in 2012. I believe that had to do with being away from him. He would’nt even let her eat in the kitchen without a fight from me. I now live across the street from her and we hang out and watch Lifetime…yes he cancelled that on me back in 2011 also. 2014 is going to be good!

  69. I am so sorry for Margy’s loss but am happy that her friend had someone like Margy who loves her right by her side.

    This entire story brought tears to my eyes for I have a child with my ex-narc. 4yrs ago, when I was pregnant, he told me the best thing I could do was to die in labor. He told me that he hoped what I was diganosed with a couple years back turns into cancer. This was MY wake up call. Narcs are evil people who truly want you to dead in every sense.

    I am NOT with with my ex narc anymore. It’s been 4 years but unfortunately, he resurfaces because of my child. I took him to court right away to ensure I have custody. I won full sole custody of my child & he won minimal access. He played the “I want to see my child” card but NEVER followed through with the visits HE ASKED for in 2 years. 4 hours a week. It’s a joke.

    Narcs are liars, malicious, ..etc.. he came back around last year & attempted to manipulate the legal system in 2013. Tried to get me arrested, served ME with papers attempting joint custody & overnight access with my child. He played the “I am such an amazing father & reasonable man” card in court painting ME as the vindictive & unreasonable one who NEVER let him see his child. So far, he’s won nothing!! Narcs will always try to keep beating you down until you tire of it but please stand strong! Long story short, if you have a child with your narc, they always resurface but work on YOUR life. You and your child(ren) DESERVE a healthy life. I loved what Melanie said “The question is when do we wake up?”

  70. OMG Margy and Mel, everything you spoke about is unbelievable. One thing I that I didn’t realise is that I’ve been trying to get my mind to change when it’s my body that needs to change first.
    I hope one day I will have the courage to leave. What keeps me going is my son and my dream.xx

  71. Thank you for this article. It was heartbreaking to read. I can only imagine what years of narcissistic abuse does to you physically and it is a stark sign of the trauma you are experiencing. There are red flags in the relationship, but also red flags in your physical deterioration.

    I was in a narcissistic relationship for only 2 short years, but suffered rheumatic back and hip pain, asthmatic symptoms and extreme chest pain, and lost most of my hair (I had never experienced any of these types of symptoms before). Since breaking away, no contact for 4 years, all symptoms disappeared. Our emotional, spiritual and physical selves are so intricately connected.

    Thank you so much for sharing these stories. They saved another friend of mine, who was forwarded your website. She suffered unspeakable emotional abuse from a narc. She read your blog over and over and has since broken away and transformed her life for the better.

  72. This is aweful. So sad, and unfortunately oh so true. They will cause major damage to your health, both mental as physical.

    I remember ‘my’ disturbed one’s reaction after I was exhausted from it all. Had huge physical and mental issues due to the amount of stress he put on me, and which I let him put on me for a long time. I was seriously begging him to help me, like I Always did for him, when I had it with life. Seriously had it. Couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I just didn’t see any ray of light anymore. His response? Well, the first time he gave me the silent treatment for 6 days. The second time he responded with blabla and telling me he understood cause my life was useless (later claiming it was to motivate me for the best). They have no heart. Still hurts knowing a human being can be so cold and cruel.
    Reading this makes me realise I should be (even more) thankful that I got out. Have to admit I ask myself the same question every now and then ‘What have I/we done to deserve this?’. I hope she’s in a loving place now, THAT is what she deserves. Such a horrific story. These are some dangerous people, toxic.

  73. I too suffered in a relationship with a narc for just over 2 years. Several break ups and make ups. feeling like you cannot live without him and so drawn to him. but all the while knowing something is amiss, so cruel, so abnormal. My dad passed in May 2013 and he battled to show compassion. after a month or two was telling me my dad is dead and i cant keep carrying on about it i need to let go. He was unfaithful continuously. Suspicious paranoid behavior, gambling problem which he denies and squandered most of his money. He is fortunate (rather unfortunate) to regain wealth but always at the expense of others. He lied about his ex’s pregnancy throughout our relationship and told me when the baby was 4 months old. Has 4 girls, but worships only one whom he manipulates and controls. i fear she will turn out just like him. The rest get no attention except for financial support and he sees nothing wrong with this. he verbally abused me. Emotionally abused. bordering on physical abuse. He threatened me and spend one night torturing me emotionally until i realised that this is DARKNESS and i can no longer accept the abuse. his behaviour is unacceptable. He is angry at the entire world, but worships his mom who is just like him.i am a very head strong woman and difficult at times. which made it even worse for me. He felt the need to punish me even more. I am trying to recover now. And i find that the recovery program is such a help to me. reading others stories and knowing you are not alone and didn’t imagine it all (as they love telling you almost daily. I know his ex wife had a terrible life with him. i was tempted to contact her to identify with her in some way or another. but they have a daughter together (the same one he worships) …maybe its not such a good idea???

  74. Please let me know if you’re looking for a article
    writer for your blog. You have some really great articles and I think I
    would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some material for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine.
    Please send me an e-mail if interested. Regards!

  75. Unfortunately, this very sad story is not all that uncommon. How do I know? Well, my narcissist ex (he was actually diagnosed narcissist by a therapist) left me last year during my harrowing treatment for pancreatic cancer. During that time, he ran around with other women, wouldn’t return phone calls, etc. I foolishly took him back, and a year later … He has left me as a struggle for my life against leukemia. Silent Treatment again, running around with other women, etc. He always resented my cancer and whenever I would talk about it, he accused me of “playing the cancer card”, he would say “how much longer do I have to hear about this?” and other such evil remarks. So, sadly, if you’re reading this, bear in mind Narcs won’t care if you are in you are in a hospital bed, dying …. If you become ill, you will be worth less than garbage to them.

  76. In some relationships, the idealization phase is the partner being in lonely child stance and the Borderline being in abandoned child stance. Both are in need of being rescued. Both need attachment to stave off the pain of being alone. This is one type of bonding seen in this community.

    In this bond, both people bring core trauma to the relationship. Mirroring reenacts the earliest childhood experiences to rise up and emerge into consciousness.

    In idealization, there is a dual identification and projection for both people that they have found a perfect love. However, one partner (the “lonely child”) does not yet realize that the other partner (the abandoned child/pwBorderline) has no whole self- and is utilizing a fantasy of a part-time good in order to fuse with the partner’s part time good and become one.

    The lonely child has spent much of their life becoming “one.” When a lonely child finds an abandoned child, both parties feel needed. However, rather than truly loving the individuality of both parties, the sad, fantasy aspect of mirroring magnifies the unhealthy needs of both people.

    When the lonely child begins to question the reality of mirroring (reality testing) this raises core traumas into activation concerning both the questioning (uncertainty) and the hope (unfulfilled expectations) of the unrealistic attachment. “Lack of inherent trust” is found in both parties at this stage.

    Reality testing causes the lonely child to pull away because certain things don’t add up, once the idealization phase slowly erodes.

    Pulling away, even while in the lap of comfortable luxury, triggers the abandoned child issues of the Borderline. This causes panic reactions of clinging behaviors by the Borderline to prevent the retreat of their desired love object. These immature demands can look like entitlement to others, especially to a lonely child, who has learned early on to be self-sufficient and to self-soothe. But the entitlement markers are highly charged and emotional to a Borderline. This isn’t, it should be noted, narcissistic grandiosity. Rather, it is ego deficiency and panic.

    The entitlement phase brings a hidden “angry and aggressive child” out from hibernation and into full view. This usually occurs when the lonely child least expects it. The angry child that emerges is enraged, and has delusions of persecution that are ideas of reference from earlier childhood trauma. At this point, the angry child (Borderline) will become enraged and try to cast off shame. They may attempt to harm himself/herself in order to scapegoat the lonely child, who unwittingly stands-in for the earliest attachment. This triggers the lonely child’s trauma from their earliest attachment, as well.

    The Borderline wants so badly to be whole that they demand that the lonely child create wholeness for them. The partner is able to succeeds in doing this early on, but as the relationship develops, the partner naturally relaxes. To the Borderline partner, with ideas of reference being so very childlike and fantastic, the relaxation of the partner is perceived as though the attachment is split up. In order to cope, the Borderline must now find another part-time perceived good object to self-medicate the negative emotions which they experience from the perceived split — even while in reality nothing has happened. All of the Borderline’s negative perceptions are projections of his or her own fears and insecurities. If this cannot be accomplished, the surge of limbic fear of anger and abandonment causes such great pain that the Borderline must find some relief. This may take the form of lashing out at perceived enemies, or it can be as extreme as self-harm.

    The lonely child is often stunned by this. The anger and dysregulation are disproportionate to and in contrast to what he/she perceives are necessary for the circumstances. (The lonely child fails to see need disguised as “love.”) Therefore, the lonely child seeks to understand the Borderline’s ideas of reference concerning “love” in order to cope with the neediness and begins a line of questioning. This leads the Borderline to retreat.

    Because Lonely Child is “understanding driven,” he or she is easily drawn into the Borderline’s acting out. This becomes particularly poignant in a romantic relationship, because of its cyclical nature; the drama will be repeated, no resolution will ever be attained, and the Lonely Child will begin to lose hope. The lonely child, in attempting to help his or her lover, encounters the primary Borderline dilemma of “who am I?” This is very likely the same way that the lonely child came into existence as an “understanding driven” child. Especially when he or she questioned the motives of his or her earliest attachments during infancy and adolescence.

    The lonely child understands the need to be held, loved and understood – because that’s what he or she longs for in others. The lonely child feels that in order to deal with acting out of the Borderline, he or she must project the aura of grace, compassion and understanding upon the Borderline, and also guide, teach and show the way — because that’s what the lonely child would want someone to do for him or her. There was a large reason that the initial mirroring (of this fixer /rescuer ego) was so effective during the idealization stage — the relationship really WAS the projection of lonely child that was mirrored, not the deficient ego of the Borderline.

    In the “upside down” world of the Borderline, the lonely child is the perfect attachment to fuse to and the hypersensitive Borderline is the perfect mystery for the lonely child to try to understand. This is the reactivation of a childhood dynamic, and it forms a needy bond. Indeed, an insatiable bond.

    The Borderline offers the perfect template with which to project and identify with as a good object, and also one to invest in as a means of feeling better about the “self.”

    The understanding-driven lonely child “imagines” (projects) onto the Borderline that with which he/she feels the Borderline can identify. The lonely child often fills in the blanks with projective identification, and the Borderline attempts to absorbs this — but it is impossible to appear as a self-directed person while taking cues from and mirroring another self-directed partner.

    The Borderline scrambles to keep up with what is projected in a chameleon-like manner. Over time, the pressure that the Borderline experiences (inflicted upon themselves) in continually trying to adapt and conform to the projection smothers and defeats the Borderline’s yearning for a perfect bond, and triggers engulfment failure.

    Engulfment also means loss of control, annihilation fantasies and shame. Shame activates the punitive parent that resides in their inner world, their psyche. The attachment failure has now become shame-based for the Borderline partner. For the lonely child partner, it will soon become guilt-driven.

    When individuals suffering with BPD feel engulfment, they become very frustrated and angry. But their deep and very real fear of abandonment causes them to stuff away their anxiety and compulsively attempt to manage their pain. Their impulsive gestures are a form of self-harm that fixes the bond in a permanent chaos of action/reaction (the cycle of unresolved repetition).

    Borderlines can be avoidant and passive-aggressive, and will do everything in their power to hide their strong emotions until they implode. They swing wildly from abandoned child to angry child until they deflate into detached protector, basically a mute who doesn’t speak or, worse, who speaks in “word salad” when confronted. It is not uncommon for Borderlines, once they reach the implosion point, to completely retract, give up, and agree to any terms in order to extricate themselves from the chaos that their unmanaged illness causes them to create, which sadly is what brings their relationships to the brink of abandonment.

    The swinging dysregulation pattern is unable to be separated and individuated and self-directed. Because it cannot be self-directed, it cannot be self-soothed. There is no ability to defer these emotions to logic and reasoning with introspection without another person to blame. This is where Borderlines are showing you the maturity stage at which they are developmentally arrested and remain stuck and frightened. They behave like children, because that is where their emotional development stopped.

    Devaluing is the BPD going into the punitive parent role to switch up the control. During the idealization phase, they relinquished control in order to attach. When the idealization erodes, BPDs begin to feel their own insecurities, and this leads them to feel woeful, scared and fearful. Lacking the tools needed to manage their emotions, the only way they can escape their own pain is to ascribe the negative emotions to an external source — their partners. When a partner or a person with BPD behaves in a less than perfect manner — because he or she is simply human — the person with BPD, because they identify with their perceptions of their partners (the mirror), feel betrayed. It is as if the image of perfection that they have come to rely on lets them down.

    We all have punitive parents that exist in our heads. This is our Superego. The criticism felt by both parties exists as guilt and shame inside our heads. This tape plays over and over and is a reworking of former traumas. It is also a huge part of what makes complementary traumas so attractive as binding agents to each other. The lonely child has the “tyrannical shoulds,” while the abandoned child has defectiveness schema. Together, they interact and drive each other crazy.

    The understanding-driven child cannot fathom how another human being does not have a “self.” The understanding-driven child has had much childhood experience with strong selves and has created a self to understand the motives of others. Lonely children have a need to have some sort of control over their destiny, because so much was out of control in their childhood.

    The Borderline’s idea of destiny is being attached to others for protection. The Borderline cannot fathom what it means to have a stand alone “self.” Without others to mirror, people suffering with borderline personality disorder are lost. Without others to reflect back at them, they feel like they don’t exist. This terrifies them.

    Both parties are human, and both are “doing” for others rather than being. But there is more impulsivity at work in Borderlines, who “offer” of themselves as objects, and tend to see other people as objects, as well. The lonely child, on the other hand, is very particular about who s/he gives his or her heart to, and makes decisions based on careful consideration. Borderlines find this behavior to be cold-hearted.

    The failure to find a healthy, mature love activates the punitive parent in both partner’s psyches, one for persecution and the other for failure to understand others (cloaked in rescuing behaviors). This interplay of each others psychiatric traumas fuels the creation of a very strong obsessive bond, and the source of endless victimization for both parties — unless one or the other becomes understanding-driven toward self-direction. Who has the best chance? Unfortunately, the mirrored good that the Borderline provided acted as a very addictive “drug,” and the obsession is outwardly projected (as it always has been) by the lonely child in order to understand and consequently, control it.

    This is where the power struggle begins, as each party fights for control. It’s at this point that spying, engaging in testing and push/pull behaviors being to occur. Each partner, sadly, rubs salt in the others core wound.

    The understanding-driven child tries to understand the Borderline, and the Borderline feels misunderstood and persecuted. The understanding-driven child then feels like a failure, and retreats to repair their ego. Now, sensing weakness and experiencing their partner’s dejectedness, the Borderline feels emotional pain. Not being equipped to self-soothe, the Borderline must project their pain outwards, to preserve their psyche. The object of this abuse becomes the lonely child partner; the Borderline lashes out and tries to shame him — with a goal of repairing the image in the mirror, now tarnished, so critical to the Borderline’s self-image. The reflection must be returned to perfection. The pendulum swings back and forth in clinging and hating and disordered thought and chaos. It is very painful for both parties.

    The lonely child tries to uncover what they think the Borderline is hiding from them (triggering bouts of paranoia) or missing (creating dependency issues). The angry child threatens to destroy the relationship (as well as themselves = self harm) which triggers immense anger and outrage for both parties. Their love object is broken. The mirror, shattered, is no longer able to present a perfect reflection.

    Both parties are in pain, and their egos are easy to “pinch” because they both fear abandonment. Both core traumas are exposed, and the partners are no longer interacting with each other except to arouse each other’s trauma wounds from childhood.

    The false self of the lonely child, that the Borderline mirrored, has more ego, because it is directly tied to a “self” which engages coping mechanisms learned in childhood, that mirrored back good. It was a self that was capable of seeming to have all the answers in the beginning. When the Borderline tries to destroy it as a failed attachment, it begins to crumble. The lonely child retreats and tries to repair it, essentially wounded to the core. This is also part and parcel of the injury of the “smear campaign” — and the lonely child may try to return to defend its “self” from being attacked.

    Trauma for the lonely child occurs mainly because of perceived failure that they cannot “understand” enough (which essentially has become an obsession at this point). Trauma for the Borderline occurs because of anger and abandonment and shame that existed since infancy, and persecution by their inner parent superego for not becoming whole.

    At this point, both parties feel like failures.

    Unfortunately, the repair for the lonely child’s self consists of trying again to repair the Borderline partner’s “mirror” so that it can again reflect the good. The lonely child will make many attempts to once again effect an outcome other than the failed attachment. The lonely child will try to rebuild the self and get the love object (Borderline) to return and resume their compliant mirroring.

    Eventually, the fantasy begins to unravel for the lonely child, and they begin to feel like they are alone. They begin to realize that the person they fell in love with — the image conveyed by the Borderline — was not a real person. This is important. The Borderline is a real person, but they are incapable of independence. They are out of touch with their true self. So they learn to project what they believe others want to see, in order to be accepted and loved and, ultimately, not alone. Not abandoned. The force that drives them to be in relationships is not love, but fear. They think it is love, but it is not. They do not love you, they love the image of the self that their partner loves reflected in the mirror.

    They’re still scared. Forgive them if you can, they are modern-day recreations of their own childhood fears.

    1. I suppose that’s one way to look at it. I prefer the short and simpler way of looking at it……Seeing them as the Cold Evil Monster that they are. Comtempt, Cruelty, and Empathy replaced with Rage are not fear based emotions.

  77. I googled narcissism and breast cancer and found this article. I just listened to the radio podcast.

    I was diagnosed with breast cancer the day several months ago. My husband gave me a quick hug and then went to play golf.

    Thank you for this article. I just signed up for your newsletter and reading through your materials. I believe my abusive marriage of 31 years contributed to my numerous stress conditions including crohn’s disease and fibromyalgia and adrenal fatigue.

  78. I just read this article and I can relate. I was diagnosed with HepC and Stage Four Liver Cirrohsis. When I told my husband (NARC) that a new medicine treatment might mean a 90% cure for my HepC; his comment was “what if you are the 10%? This comment came after I tried to stay and save our 12 year marriage and 14 year relationship when I learned of his infidelity 8 months prior. I knew then, he was not interested in taking care of me and that he had already thrown me away. I got out 4 months ago. The medicine has helped my HepC and being away from him has helped me to start recovery. God bless you and Margy for sharing this story. I hope that sharing mine might help someone else to realize that life is too precious to let anyone just suck it out of you. I am certain that I would have probably died or been close by now if I had stayed in that toxic relationship/environment.

  79. Well Melanie I am a man who is going thru these things myself and I feel at a loss at times I have four kids and one grandson, and it`s very hard dealing with constantly being told how much of a bad man that she said that I am to her when I have done nothing to her. she always aloof non caring non empathetic showing no compassion. I am always saying that I am sorry for things that I have not done or promising to a better man to her, when I already do everything around our home and for our children and grandchild, even doing things for her only for her to tell me later that I do nothing for her or our family. She has told me that from the very start of our relationship together until now that I have been nothing but bad abusive to her never treating her right not knowing how to treat a woman and not being a good enough of a provider to her and our first child. But she stayed with me and had three more children make me understand that after all this time and everything we`ve gone thru, she could say something like that to me.

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