It’s time for another thriving after narcissistic abuse story!
Every few weeks I do an interview with a member of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program who is now thriving after their narcissistic abuse experience.
This is to inspire you, and show you that there is a way to recover, move on and thrive in a narcissistic free life.
This week’s story is about an amazing woman named Neringa.
Neringa put up with the incessant lies, silent treatment, manipulation, crazy making behaviour and all the other narc antics for over 20 years while she was married to her narc.
Like many people, she grew up with the belief that marriage was “till death do us part.” She felt like it was her duty to stay with him through sickness and health. She believed that leaving him would make her a bad person because “what kind of person would leave someone who is clearly mentally ill?”
She was also afraid of what people would think because no one she knew got divorced.
After only a few sessions of NARP healing Modules, during late 2012, things rapidly fell into place, allowing Neringa to finalise her divorce, get him out of the house, and raise her vibration so that the narc could no longer affect her. Neringa quickly, after all those years, was able to start living a narc free life!
Neringa’s story is an amazing one and truly a testament to the fact that your age bares no significance to one’s ability to recover and start thriving as she is now 55.
Click the play button at the top of this article to listen to the show or read the transcript below.
Please tell us how you met, and how did you form a relationship with him?
I remember the first time I met the narc. It was the summer of 1980, in between my junior and senior years of college. I was still living with my parents at the time.
It was during that time when I received a letter, which was an invitation to play Dungeons and Dragons, from the husband of the sister of an ex-boyfriend. (Now that I think back on this, I am convinced that my ex-boyfriend and his sister were both narcs). Because I have read and adored Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, I was more than excited to be participating in a D&D campaign. (Little did I know that decades later, “D&D” would come to mean an altogether different thing as far as the narc was concerned.)
When I got to the apartment, I immediately saw that the narc was the polar opposite of his brother. He looked much younger than his brother, even though he was the older of the two. The narc was clean cut, not really my type, a good looking fellow and appeared to be a fun and clever guy.
Anyhow, when it came to Dungeons and Dragons, the narc wasn’t a player; he was the Dungeon Master. It was the Dungeon Master’s role to serve as game referee – to control all aspects of the game, except for the action of the player characters, and to describe to the other player what they see and hear. What an ideal role for the narc – to be in total control of the players’ universe!
As the summer continued, I would look forward to Friday nights when we all gathered together at the narc’s brother’s apartment to play D&D. I had gotten past my initial biases towards the narc’s appearance and was actually finding myself being attracted to him. And while spending the night playing D&D, the narc and I would find ourselves flirting with each other.
One weekend that summer, the narc was going to visit his childhood friend and that friend’s wife in a seaside town about 2 hours up the coast. He was bringing his brother and sister-in-law with him, and he asked me to join them. Of course I said “Yes!”
Never mind a double date, this was going to be a triple date.
And what a magical time I had!
When the narc brought me back to my parents’ house at 4 in the morning, I was floating on air! I don’t think that I even felt my feet touching the driveway as I walked to the back door to let myself in.
You would think that with my coming home at 4 in the morning that I would have slept until noon. But it was Sunday, and with my parents being staunch Old World Roman Catholics there was no way that they were going to allow me to sleep through church. So about 5 ½ hours I was up and walking to church.
While walking to church, I was reflecting on the magical day before, when all of a sudden I froze in my tracks with the realization that crossed my mind. I had experienced 2 dysfunctional relationships where I found myself being absorbed into my boyfriends’ personalities. I was finally enjoying what it felt like to be independent and getting to know myself better. In reflecting back on the day before and seeing the direction where this could be heading, I panicked and was afraid that if I allowed this magical time with the narc to follow it’s assumed natural course, that I was going to lose my independence and have my personality become enmeshed in his.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to hurt the narc’s feelings with any possible rejection. And because we only had that one magical day, I couldn’t just come right out and tell him, “I’m sorry, I don’t think this is going to work out.” I was 22 at the time and was quite immature as far as relationships go. Plus, I never had the experience of witnessing an emotionally mature and healthy relationship.
I decided to start skipping the Friday D&D nights altogether. Shortly after I received a letter from the narc’s sister-in-law. (Remember, this was during the time before internet and text messaging.) She wrote that the narc was engaged to get married!
Seriously?
It was just a couple of months ago that we experienced that magical day. I was rather taken aback by his finding a girlfriend and being engaged to get married in such a very short time. But I didn’t have time to dwell on that as I was in my senior year of college and needed to focus on my senior project.
In the middle of May, when I got a greeting card from him for my birthday and graduation. All I could think of was “He’s got some nerve!” and left it at that.
I reconnected with the D&D group, only to discover that there were new people that I never met before in that group. And that is not all that I discovered. Apparently the narc was no longer engaged. Supposedly his fiancee had a nervous breakdown and returned the engagement ring through the mail. (Probably not even close to what actually happened.)
After that discovery – let the mind games begin!
Having discovered that the narc was once again single, my interest in him was rekindled, along with the fear from the year before, when I did not want to lose my independence and have my personality absorbed in his. I should have heeded that red flag and left things at that.
But no, I didn’t.
That whole summer was spent struggling with my ambivalence concerning the narc, so by the time I did eventually start dating the narc, I had played such a tune on my own head that it really didn’t take much for him to pick up where I left off.
When did the red flags really start presenting?
By the end of August, I moved to an economically depressed seaside town 45 minutes away from my parents’ house just to be closer to the narc, who lived 15 minutes away. For the first year there, I shared an apartment with 3 other people who were fellow Dungeons and Dragons players. There was friction with the roommates, so I found a place of my own.
The narc falsely accused me of issuing him an ultimatum between him and his friend – which I never did. No amount of protesting this false statement made any difference. He held onto that false belief – like so many of his other false beliefs – with pit bull tenacity.
Meanwhile, at around that same time, my father suffered from another heart attack and needed to be hospitalized. As with his first heart attack hospitalization, my father did not give his cardiologist permission to share his medical information with the family, much to our great frustration.
With my father’s most current hospitalization, there was information that we felt that his cardiologist should know. However, the cardiologist would not listen to us. Desperate, my mother asked the narc if he could help out, and he agreed. He said that he called my father’s cardiologist and ran into the same roadblocks. Thus his suggestion was to have my mother have my father declared mentally incompetent.
You can imagine the shock and panic this created for my mother, my sister, and me. That was not the route my mother wanted to take. Being an immigrant and not having the best command of the English language and familiarity with the culture, this took her way outside her comfort zone. As such, the narc’s suggestion was something that she was not going to follow through on.
Now most people would have accepted that this was the family’s decision and let it go at that. Not the narc. He was highly insulted and incensed. What he saw was that my mother asked for his help and that when help was offered, she stabbed him in the back by rejecting his help. In fact, he festered on that thought for several years, and wouldn’t let that injury go.
That was another red flag that I disregarded.
More red flags kept popping up – some large and some small.
While the narc worked during the week, he participated in a gymnastic troupe on the weekends. I remember being alone with him in the gymnastic studio one day. He was moody and upset over something. I remember looking at him as he sat on the floor, and remembered watching the transformations coming over his face. I don’t think that I was seeing his actual physical face, but more of an energy superimposed over his face. It was an ugly energy, and I remember being repulsed by it.
The ugliness that I saw was a sharp contrast to the person that I was infatuated with. I didn’t know at the time that what I was experiencing was cognitive dissonance. I also did not recognize it as another red flag warning me to stay away from the narc.
I was too rapt under his spell to acknowledge that there was anything wrong with this person, especially when he was so good and attentive to me. Not only was he a caring person, he was devastatingly intelligent. In fact, I have never yet before encountered a person with such amazing intelligence.
I was also afraid of being alone. I was 24 at the time, and at that same age my sister had already married. Was I going to be alone for the rest of my life?
Also, there was another strong motivation for remaining with the narc. He came from a well-to-do family who lived right on the waterfront in a private and desirable neighborhood. His parents owned their own business, where he worked at as an engineer, which is a high-paying career. And coming from a poor family, I saw the narc as my ticket out of poverty. I admit, it was not very high-minded of me, but I hoped that my deep feelings for the narc would have more than made up for that suspect agenda.
When we finally got engaged, the year after, there were no flowers or romantic dinner. His proposal was telling me to get in the car, and he drove us to a jewelry store where he had me pick out a ring.
There was absolutely no tenderness involved in selecting an engagement ring. And much later I learned that ‘the engagement’ in his head was another false accusation. Another supposed ultimatum from me – either put a ring on my finger or say goodbye to me.
What were the worst parts of the relationship at that point?
It was the pattern of accusing me of making ultimatums which never existed. They didn’t even cross my mind. He would ascribe to me behaviors and intentions that were utter fantasies. When we would have a heated discussion, he would turn his back and walk away whenever I would ask him a question. This of course, would get me very upset, as I was raised to answer when asked a question.
His silent treatment would last for days, sometimes weeks. And during that time I would be obsessing over what I could have done wrong to get him so upset. I would plead with him, “Please tell me what I did wrong so that I won’t do it again.” Sometimes he would break his silence long enough to comment that I’ve already proven to him that I can’t change.
And when he would finally tell me what I did wrong and why he was so upset, it was so far removed from reality that I could not have even dreamt up something that bizarre in my most wildest imagination. There was nothing I could say or do to dissuade him from his beliefs about my behavior and the motivations for it.
All of our arguments were due to his claim that I was either thoughtless or inconsiderate. After all, he was very intelligent and had very carefully crafted the persona of being a very considerate and caring person.
This was pretty much how the first 12 years of our marriage went. As upsetting as these events were, I still thought we had a pretty good marriage. I thought I was the luckiest girl on the planet to have snagged such a wonderful catch like him. He was handsome. He was kind. And no man could even close to holding a candle to his intelligence.
What happened when his mask really came off?
It was in the summer of 1996 that I was trying to create income with my creativity. I had already approached a local community center about teaching some classes there. Unfortunately, there was very little interest.
The narc started lecturing me on the futility of my plans, commenting on how his brother failed at making a living with his music. I defended myself. Then the subject switched from me being naive about wanting to make a living out of my creativity, to an issue of trust.
Speaking of trust, I mentioned that I was the one who should be having questions about trust, especially how could the both of us – who were making decent money at the time – be living hand-to-mouth between paychecks? We had been married for 12 years, and he still could not bring himself to allow me to participate in family finances.
He just turned his back and went downstairs. And having seen this scenario play through several times over, I did something different. I turned around and went into my room (which he had vacated some time ago after some other fight we had) to go through my closet to pull out clothes that I was going to donate to the Salvation Army. And while trying on clothes to see which still fit and putting the clothes that didn’t fit in a pile on the bed, he walked into the room.
His face was red, and he was shaking. Something told me that he was on a dangerous edge, and that if he went over the edge, I could wind up either very seriously hurt or even dead. I instinctively knew that I should not provoke him, and my mind was furiously racing on how not to provoke him. My mind settled on continuing what I was doing – pulling clothes out of the closet – and praying that was the right thing to do to keep him from going over the edge. I remember my mind separating from my body, as though in anticipation of whatever trauma to my body to come.
He continued raging at me, but I didn’t hear a word he said because I had been out of my body. Finally, I heard him say, “If you think you can do a better job, then go ahead and do it!” And with that, he threw his checkbook and bills that he had been clutching in his hand all that time, and left my room. In fact he left the house to bring our daughter to his mother’s house.
Shaken, I picked up the checkbook and bills and I proceeded to go through his checkbook. And that’s when I discovered the reason why we were having so much trouble in making ends meet. He had already $20000 of credit card debt. Not only that ⅓ of that debt was from pornography purchases.
All this time the narc had been trying to convince me that his difficulties in allowing me to participate in family finances were due to his challenges in trying to overcome issues of trust on account of his parents constantly undermining him. And yet, here I was finding out that he was the one who had been violating my trust all this time!
Can we say “projection?”
Sure we can.
From that day hence, he was never again the same person that I married. And from that day forth I viewed our marriage as irretrievably broken. I stopped loving my husband and could no longer bring myself to share my body with someone who has violated my trust.
The stress of discovering the massive debt we were in, along with the backlash I experienced from the higher-ups at my workplace for speaking up against the unfairness and hostility directed towards a temporary employee, was enough to make me resign from my job.
In the 5 months from discovering the narc’s financial abuse, the credit card debt jumped from $20,000 to $60,000.
When did you start understanding the parts of yourself that you needed to heal?
It was also at this time that I recognized my own codependence. My father was an alcoholic, and those who have been raised in an alcoholic household understand the level of constant dysfunction that affects every family member. My father’s alcoholism affected me in the manner that I vowed that I was not going to marry an alcoholic.
And I didn’t. The narc did not drink alcohol. Nor did he indulge in illegal drugs. But the more I learned about codependency, the more I realized that there is “something” about a codependent that gets picked up on an addictive person’s radar. (And that’s one of the reasons why some individuals constantly find themselves in abusive relationships.) So even though the narc wasn’t an alcoholic, he had other addictions. As such, while I vowed to never marry an alcoholic, I didn’t take other addictions into consideration.
To help me with my own codependency issues, I started attending Adult Children of Alcoholics Meetings. Those meetings were a lifesaver! To see all those many heads nodding in agreement as I told my story was not only validating, it was also empowering. It was liberating to finally learn that I was not the crazy one that I was led to believe by the narc.
With each meeting, I became more and more empowered. Of course, this did not sit well with the narc. He ramped up his psychological abuse with my increasing defiance. I continued going to meetings, despite the narc’s snide remarks and veiled innuendos. When I finally stopped going to the meetings was when I noticed that there were some people there who were not interested in healing. All they wanted to do was to repeat the same war stories over and over. It was at that point when I realized that I’ve gotten all that I could get from that group.
Before you realized he was a narcissist, what did you think his issues were?
Back in those days I knew nothing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I had attributed his issues to his mental health issues, which were growing as the years went on. The list eventually included anhedonia ( the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable), dysthymia (serious chronic depression), bipolar disorder (which later got downgraded to schizoaffective disorder), obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic/anxiety disorder, and agoraphobia. Also thrown into the mix was Asperger’s, which I suspected he may have coerced his doctor into diagnosing him with.
Somewhere around 2003, the narc had his first psychiatric hospitalization, a long parade of mental health professionals that marched through his revolving door. Not a single one of them was successful in convincing the narc that there is no magic pill, no major cocktail. Not a single one of those mental health providers was able to convince him that he needed to put forth an effort, whether it’s doing “homework” or participating in cognitive behavioral therapy.
He fired countless therapists due to their ability to help him. He either perceived them to be far less intelligent than him, therefore not capable of helping him, or in cahoots with me. In fact, it seemed that whenever a therapist was getting close to the truth of the matter, that would be when he fired him.
I remembered one such therapist who asked that I come in for a session with the narc. While we were in session, there were a couple of incidents where the narc accused me of personally attacking him after I voiced my feelings. When the therapist asked what made the narc form those opinions about me, the narc stated that my body language betrayed my intentions.
Well, the therapist then proceeded to explain to the narc that my body language was not one of someone who was engaged in personal attack, but that of someone who is experiencing frustration. With his explaining to the narc, I exclaimed in relief, “Thank you! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell him for the past 10 years!” Needless to say, that therapist was fired right afterwards, and there was no follow-up appointment.
He attempted to do the same thing again with a couples’ counselor that another therapist insisted that he see with me. He got very much put off that this counselor was having some private sessions with me, even though he agreed to that.
Can you explain your reasons for staying in the marriage for years?
All those years with the narc after his mask came off were very stressful indeed, but I stayed with him, giving him whatever help and support I could, due to my parental conditioning that marriage is until “death do you part.” It was my duty to stay “in sickness and in health,” and for “better or for worse.” What kind of person would I be if I abandoned an obviously sick person?
However, when my daughter was about 9, I had it. I went back to one of my old jobs so that I could start saving money to pay for a divorce. It was that summer or the next when I did go to a lawyer and put down my retainer.
I was feeling really good about that. I felt that although we could not get along as husband and wife under the same roof, that we could still be very good friends. After all, I have known people who were in similar situations – they fought like crazy while married, but became the best of friends after they divorced. And I was hopeful that the same would be in my case.
After meeting with the lawyer, I announced that evening to the narc that I had seen a lawyer and that I would be filing for divorce. The narc was very calm and said that he would let me have the divorce. But before I could feel any happiness or relief, he added that he would be petitioning for full custody of our daughter, even though he knew that the state we lived in favored the mother. He said that he, in good conscience, could not allow me to have the divorce without his fighting to be granted full custody of our daughter.
Talk about knocking the wind out of my sails!
When I asked him why he was going for full custody, he said that our daughter was not safe with me. And when I asked him why he felt that way, he answered that he felt our daughter was not safe with me because I yell at her.
What parent doesn’t yell at their kids from time to time?
But at the same time there was a lot of fear of what the narc would do next. He was a respected professional whose parents were pillars of the community. He was very articulate and very proud of his ability to always win an argument. And he was very proud of his ability to play mind games and manipulate people.
Unlike him, I didn’t have such a resume and pedigree. I didn’t have the support he did. I had far less emotional self-control back then, that just a little bit of button pushing on his part would be enough to have me fly off the handle. Against the backdrop of his deliberate calmness, my crazy shrieking banshee behavior would create quite the contrast.
As such, I was very much afraid of the damage the narc could do when we duked it out in divorce court. There was also that fear that I would not be able to afford a contested divorce, especially when I could barely afford a no-fault divorce. And it was these fears that sent me back to my lawyer, with my tail between my legs, to rescind my intention to get a divorce.
Meanwhile, as the years passed, the abuse continued. As my daughter was getting older and more independent, his abuse also extended to her. I alternated between fervently wishing him dead to praying hard that he be made healthy and whole in his mind, body, and soul.
When did you finally decide that ‘enough is enough’?
The final straw came last year, when I had him involuntarily committed through a magistrate’s warrant. The ironic thing was that the behavioral health unit was on the floor below where I worked. I would see him from time to time with the other patients when I went outside to throw out the trash and sneak a cigarette. Each time he ignored me (which was no big deal because I ignored him as well) while being Mr Congeniality and chatting up a storm with the other patients.
He even had the doctors convinced that he had Asperger’s. However, my daughter and I suspected for years that he was using Asperger’s as an excuse for his behavior. How could someone with Asperger’s lie with the ease that he lies? And how could someone with Asperger’s maintain a high level of manipulation for one week, convincing staff and patients that he was something that he was not?
While the narc was at the behavioral health unit, he did not allow the medical personnel any contact with me. It was only when I discovered that the power-of-attorney that he signed in 2003 was I able to talk to his doctors.
And even then I wound up getting into arguments with the doctors because he had manipulated them into believing that he was an all-around great guy whose behaviors were appropriate for the situation he was in. They refused to accept my input that he was a skillful manipulator and that he was manipulating them. Instead, they opted to believe that there was no reason for them to further keep him at the behavioral health unit.
(Had I been able to play the power-of-attorney card much sooner, who knows what the outcome would have been.)
The doctors were going to discharge him, despite my expressing my fears that that he will come back the same way he went in, but only angrier. When it came time to discharge him, he tried to get a voucher for a cab to bring him home. But apparently that wasn’t possible, so on my way home from work, I got a phone call requesting me to bring him home. When I got to the behavioral health unit to collect the narc, I was informed by one of the nurses that the narc expressed the wish that I do not talk to him while bringing him home.
After we got home, that’s when the abuse reached new heights. He refused to talk to me or our daughter. And when he did “allow” me to talk it was while holding a voice recorder in his hand and baiting me to react and say something that would incriminate me. Whenever we would enter the house, he would glare at us and give us evil looks.
Every day he would record a list of my sins and crimes against him – preposterous accusations and statements, such as claiming I threw his medication at him and that the doctors at the behavioral health unit told him that he’s a victim of abuse and that he needs to get out fast. He even spread these lies to his mother, who believed him even though she knew that he always lies.
In the meantime, his online spending resumed and escalated. He intercepted my attempt to have myself declared payee for his disability checks – even after I showed the Social Security office my power-of-attorney and submitted the proper paperwork attesting to his psychiatric history and history of financial abuse.
He had his monthly disability direct-deposit checks rerouted from our joint account to a private account that he set up. That was particularly concerning as I was the one responsible for paying the bills. (From what he told his mother, he had all the intention of giving me the money to pay bills with, but that he wanted me to beg for it.)
Never having encountered such a full-out offensive by the narc before, I started researching emotional and psychological abuse. Up to this point, I was in denial that what I was experiencing was abuse. I was attributing his behavior towards me as having to do with his mental health issues. After all, up to that point he had 7 psychiatric hospitalizations.
But seeing how he behaved in front of the other patients and how he manipulated the psychiatric staff, there was no way I could deny that what he was doing was with calculated deliberation. There was no way that I could remain in denial and hope that he would get better.
While reading one of the many articles on psychological abuse that I came across on the web, I was constantly being astounded at seeing the narc and my situation with him reflected in those vast bodies of text.
The pivotal moment came when I read the comment: “Type ‘narcissistic abuse’ into your search engine and see what comes up.” I did what the comment suggested, and I was flabbergasted by what I discovered. It was as though all those authors were flies on the walls of my house, observing him and taking notes!
It was at that point where I decided that I most definitely HAVE to get out of this situation. Even though I did not have the financial resources to pay for a divorce and was rejected by the legal aid societies in town for not being “poor enough,” I started taking steps anyhow.
Those steps involved collecting bank statements and other documentation that proved his financial abuse. I was taking pictures of everything that he was writing in his list of my “sins and crimes” against him, as well as any notes that he wrote to me (which was the only way he would communicate to me), and emailing those pictures to myself, which I then compiled into a chronological document. I printed up the emails that I exchanged with his previous therapist.
In no time, I had a 3-inch binder filled with documentation. Even though I didn’t have the resources to finance a divorce, I made sure that I was ready for when the time came.
I also found an old journal that went back 10 years and started reading it. It was like reading events that happened just the day before. That further confirmed for me that the narc never changed and is not going to change ever.
One of the other things my research led me to was Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Central, which was the most valuable resource ever. And that led me to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
Your experience with NARP has not been like many others – please share how NARP worked for you.
Now I will make a confession here. Unlike most folks on the NARC group, I have only used NARP a handful of times. By saying this I don’t mean to minimize the importance and power of NARP. I have already been doing the inner work for several years, as such I’ve already come along a bit when I first discovered this group. But there were gaps that needed to be filled in order for me to make the shifts necessary for my healing. And that’s where NARP came in for me.
I already had the pieces, but I needed something to help make those pieces work. NARP was like that little screw that holds the 2 blades of a pair of scissors together. Without that little screw, those 2 blades are useless, no matter strong the metal and how sharp the edges.
And it was when I started working NARP – even on my occasional level – is when things started happening.
Was it a coincidence that a few months after I started working NARP that I received a partial inheritance that enabled me to hire the best lawyer in town?
All these years I’ve been doing Law of Attraction work to improve my financial situation with no results. And once NARP came into the picture, there was money!
So what happened?
I shifted.
I had the metaphysical tools. I was very familiar with the principle behind the Law of Attraction. But I was still stuck at the same vibrational level that I had been for years. Sure, my vibration increased some after the narc’s mask came off, and I made the choice to ditch the victim role that I had been stuck in for a good portion of my life. It was NARP that was the critical mass that brought me to the tipping point where positive change started happened – positive change that I could see and experience.
Once I’ve reached the tipping point, that does not mean that’s where I need to rest. The tipping point is the beginning. It is the gateway to more magic to come.
I’ve been experiencing that magic.
It’s gotten me the means to pay for a divorce. It’s gotten the narc to eventually cooperate in the divorce process.
But I also believe that NARP’s usefulness is not just to be confined to narcissistic abuse recovery. I also see ways that NARP can be “retro-fitted” to address and help in other situations where fear may hold us back – whether it’s fear of flying or fear of having to make cold calls that are required in a sales profession.
NARP unlocks the door to allow more magic to come into our lives.
So now the narc has gone, you are in the house and you have peace?
Yes, he’s gone. I am narc free, my life is wonderful, and at 55 I am looking forward to the rest of my life! I have to wait a year for the divorce to be finalized, but I’m already free.
What advice Neringa would you grant others who has been in a narcissistic long term relationship similar to yours?
The longer you stay with a narc, the more intense his crazy-making will get. Staying with a narc is like staying on a sinking boat that’s taking on water as the narc is sitting at one end poking holes in the bottom of the boat while you’re at the other end frantically bailing water and hoping that you could make it to safe harbor before your ship sinks.
So if you have the resources, head for the hills as fast as you can! Get out as fast as you can because the narc is NOT going to change.
Keep reminding yourself that the narc derives his emotional reward from causing hurt and harm to others. Don’t fall for his lies. Don’t fall for his puppy dog eyes and crocodile tears.
But above all, take care of yourself first. Focus on your own healing. Do the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
Even though I have been a student of metaphysics for 30 years, NARP help fill in the gaps – at an amazing speed — that nearly 20 years of inner work didn’t accomplish. Just for that alone, NARP is worth far more than its weight in gold! If I had NARP back then, you would have been listening to a totally different story today.
I would like to add that when I bought NARP, my financial situation was the pits. I had gone through bankruptcy and foreclosure. Our expenses were very often exceeding our income; it was very common for me to go through 2 to 3 weeks straight without having enough money to buy groceries.
But I felt strongly that I needed to take advantage of this powerful healing tool that I ordered NARP and selected the option where I had to pay $20 every month. And when you think about it, $20 a month is not that much money, especially when a lot of people spend more than that a week getting Starbucks.
I am glad that I took the plunge and got NARP. It was just what I needed to shift and raise my vibrations so that they were no longer a match to those of the narc. When I started shifting on the inside, my life started shifting on the outside.
I Hope You Enjoyed Neringa’s Thriver Story
Neringa has offered to answer your comments and questions on the blog. She is presently very busy in life – so please know she will answer as soon as she can, and if the post is urgent I will fill in for her!
Dearest Mel, I hvnt read all the contents of Neringa’s story but it resonates me in so many ways. I too was in a serious roller-coaster relationship for 15 years and to this day I hve no idea how I came across you on the internet – but you are a ‘God-Send’. Its as though you dig into my body, mind and soul at the right time, the right choice of words etc… and this makes me feel wholesome again in many ways. I hve my moments of loneliness & depression (not on any medication but joined the gym which is my passion and greatest antidote) but you have made me rise above these calamaties. I look forward to your articles which I print out and read the rest at home. I’m soon going to invest in Eckard Tollie’s books which to me is a MUST. I don’t feel alone in this ‘mayhem’ any longer and I think that I have finally reached my pinacle where I no longer want to be with the NARC. I’m just happy that I did not accept his marriage proposal because deep down I knew, the “silent treatment, manipulation, crazy behaviour and all the other NARC antics” would have caused a tragic divorce. Enough said for now. Kp up the good work Mel, xxx
Hi Sushmita,
I am so glad my material and this community has been able to help you.
You will love Ekhart’s books – they are powerful…
It is sooo important to reach the point where you know there is never any going back – and to do so would simply be aligning with ‘death’….Narc abuse is not real life!
Yes, you dodged a bullet, it is much worse to escape and detach from a narcissist once married – and the financial punishing damaged is often so much worse.
Keep going Sushmita! 🙂
Mel xo
Yes, Sushmita, it is an awesome thing that you dodged the bullet!
Melanie is right that it’s much harder to escape and detach from the narc once you’ve married. This is especially true when you are financially dependent on the narc, like I was for 28 years.
BTW, Ekhart’s books are aweseome! My sister got me “A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” for my 50th birthday, and I devoured every word of it. In fact, I think it’s time to go back for seconds. LOL
Melanie .. this story (except for the behavior health unit scenarios) is almost word for word my story. Unbelievable. So affirming to read this. I have been on my healing journey from my x narc for 4 years and am much better (been divorced for 2 after 25 years of marriage). I’m still not fully healed but have hope and strength and perseverance to continue
Hi Indie Mom,
it is always astounding how many narcissistic abuse stories match people’s in the community. But not really – because at the core of their being NPD’s all do the same behaviour.
You may wish to consider thinking about healing at deeper levels to help fast track where you are at.
Contemporarily 4 years isn’t a long amount of time, but when using energetic tools the process to heal and in fact feel better than you can ever imagine feeling, even way before being narc abused, is a so much shorter time span.
Mel xo
Neringa, Thank you for sharing your story!! What an inspiration!! I applaud you for having the courage to leave him – I pray that you and your daughter are free from him and safe!! God Bless you both!!
You’re welcome, Laura!
I am still not quite certain if it was actually courage that played a role in my leaving the narc. I would have left the narc years ago if I weren’t so financially dependent on him.
But the important thing is that he’s gone and no longer part of my reality. However, my daughter, who experienced D&D at the same time I did last year, is once again under his spell and influence.
And that’s all the more reason for me to continue working on myself. Melanie has often said that our children are connected to us through the womb. Thus whatever healing and shifting we experience, so will our children.
I’ve already found the goal-setting module (the bonus module in the NARP series) to be very helpful as far as issues of my daughter were concerned.
God bless you, Laura!
Neringa,
I was raised by a narc father and a very aware but narc-damaged mother. I am 53 now and getting out of a narc relationship. I can relate to your dawning awareness that culminated in realizing it was really narcissism. I have been so freed to realize what I am truly dealing with and what I was dealing with in childhood.
Your daughter is why I am responding to you. My mother’s love of God and continual search for answers always helped me. And, this year, when I discovered the truth about narcissism, it helped her deal with the residual pain and damage my father caused to her and his 8 children. Hang in there Neringa. Keep the light shining and it will help your daughter. I believe we choose our parents and she chose her father for the lesson he is now teaching her. Don’t despair. Just keep on and she will benefit from your journey and you will benefit from hers.
Best of luck. Thank you for your courageous sharing.
Laura G
WoW Neringa, how inspiring ~ thank you for taking the time to share your story. I can relate to an awful lot of your experience, from being the adult child of an alcoholic father to being the codependent not wanting to be alone and doing a lot of inner work on myself before finding NARP and of course the many many similarities with the narc including the ‘diagnosis’ of aspergers! I can truly feel the pain and anguish that you experienced but also that inner strength that you had and have that enabled you to keep going, for what ever reason and it is that amazing inner strength that is shinning right out of you now and that will keep on shinning and getting brighter and brighter. What I really love most about your story is that you have no ounce of resentment towards your husband or your experience and that comes through in the tone of your voice regardless of the words you speak, your daughter is a very lucky girl to have such a beautiful strong role model as you in her life. I have no doubt that your life will continue to get better and better and the lives of others will also continue to get better because of you, thank you Neringa, you are a true shinning light. Lots of love. X
Thank you for your kind words, Karen.
I may have no resentment towards the narc now, but you should have seen me a few years ago! And years before that, I was still hung up on playing the victim — so much so that people would discretely try to avoid me at parties!
But I have been blessed with the gift of introspection. And that, coupled with the 12 Steps that I learned about while attending the Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, was really crucial in helping me process a lot of my baggage before I discovered NARP, which was awesome for the “finishing touch.”
BTW, speaking of the 12 Steps, my favorite one is #4:
“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
I think that many people miss the full intent of this step, thinking that the “fearless moral inventory of ourselves” means that we only list our shortcomings, our faults, our shadow side, etc.
That’s not so!
An inventory is a list of EVERYTHING! Not only do we need to include the bad, the ugly, and the negative, we are also to include the good, the beautiful, and the positive.
It is important to remind ourselves of the goodness and light that is within us.
I totally agree with you about step 4 Neringa, I went through the 12 steps in AA and I must say that the majority of the people in there, who I met, do focus only on the negative ~ good point ~ no wonder I eventually left the organization! And the fact that you used to play victim and be sidestepped by people at parties only adds to your amazing recovery. Truly well done. X
Thank you, Karen.
yes, folks often do focus on the negative.
In addition, I found that there were some folks in the Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings who were really not all that interested in healing and moving on with their lives as they continued to relate the same old war stories at meetings.
While it’s good to receive the validation and support from initially telling your story, especially since you’ve not received validation, it’s not at all helpful to continue dwelling on that same story. To continue to do so only perpetuates victimization and codependency.
When I saw that happening in the ACOA meetings that I was attending, I knew that they had already fulfilled their purpose for me and that I got all that I could out of them. It was time to move on.
Hi Neringa, Thankyou for being so open and empowered with sharing your story. It is a huge injection of courage for me. I have been married to my NARC husband for 28 years. We separated at the beginning if the year and I had minimum to ‘almost zero’ contact with him for 5 months. Then 2 months ago the contact started again and I must admit upon my intitiation
Hi Tatiana,
28 years is a long time to be with a narc. That’s the same amount of years that I’ve been married to the narc myself.
No Contact is a powerful tool for safeguarding your own sanity.
Please don’t beat yourself up for initiating contact 2 months ago. Just about everybody in narc abuse recovery has broken No Contact in the early stages of recovery.
Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and resume No Contact. It’s one of the best things that you can do for yourself. <3
We’ve two-ed and fro-ed, with very high ‘highs’ & very low ‘lows’ just like the cycles that have preferred these recent one’s for the many hears I’ve endured his NARC behavior. 2 weeks ago I finally called it quits with him. A week later, he was at my doorstep again begging me to forgive him and take him back. It was something new, something fresh, something he’d never really said before: a fresh start? Well so I thought. I was deceived again. Yesterday morning, his mask slipped and I am left in shock yet again. Since he’s been back in my life all I had worked so hard for was back to square one. Reading your story tonight has given me a new perspective. I had practiced the NARP program but stopped, so no guesses where I have to return to. Its very difficult to break cords of 28 years of marriage but I am clear what I can and can’t live without – and that is the care and love that we all need to show ourselves. Thanks once again Neringa for sharing your experience. It helps people like me to move forward.
Hi Tatiana,
Yes, it can be quite challenging to breaks the cords of 28 years of marriage. That A LOT of years for the narc to really sink his hooks and work them in good.
But you know what? It can be done. Yes, you CAN sever those cords and sever them for good.
If your long term marriage to the narc was anything like mine, I already knew years and years back that I wanted to get out. The strong feeling of needing to get away from the narc was always there, but sometimes it got obscured by doubts from the narc-generated fog.
Your commenting here, Tatiana, shows that you already know that you are ready to make the break.
What really helped me was educating myself in narcissistic personality disorder. Once I realized what the narc was and that my marriage to him was based on a lie — an illusion that was specifically custom-crafted for me — then it was quite easy to “flip the switch” and decide that I no longer wanted him to be part of my reality.
(And NARP really helped me achieve that. So please, do yourself a favor and get back to NARP.)
What also helped was finding a journal that went 10 years back. It was quite the eye-opener to read about events that happened 10 years ago. It was as though I was reading about something that happened yesterday! That in itself, really hit home for me that the narc had not changed in all those years; nor will he ever change.
Return to NARP and reclaim you life. Reclaim the life that was always yours!
Hi Mel-
I’m wrestling with something and would really love your opinion on it.
Do you think it’s a healing and healthy thing to do to write a bio of the abuse, or even a blog from childhood on?
By doing that is it facing the demons and long embedded pain if I have a way to release them and the pain they’ve caused and also isn’t it taking the power away from what happened? Like a shining light in the dark?
Or would that be giving the peptide addiction a boost?
Thanks for any input you can give on this.
Hi Luann,
This is my take on this – that for ourselves personally – the going into the ‘story’ is only ever useful and healing when we use it to identify, embrace and release ‘why’ (the inner programming) as to why we went through what we did.
Then after doing that, there is NO value in repeating the story, dwelling in it, or writing about it.
These Thriver Shows are all about people being able to relate to these stories, and seeing the results as to how the individual has ‘gone inside’ identified and shifted their inner programming and broken free.
Therefore if the story had that purpose – then it is of value to write about it.
Otherwise it is rehashing ‘what happened’ instead of healing ‘why it happened’, which only promotes victimisation and staying stuck – not just for the writer but also for readers.
We don’t purge narcissistic abuse by writing about it, talking about, or joining on-line chat groups about it. We heal by doing the inner work on the parts of ourself we need to heal.
When we have cleared the pain – truly there is no reason or desire in any shape or form to stay stuck in repeating ‘what happened’, the cells in our body and our life are free, open ‘space’ moving forward into creating great feelings and a great life.
That’s the goal to achieve, not keeping our emotions dense in the past, stuck in survival and blocked off from new creation.
I hope this makes sense and helped answer your question!
Mel xo
Hi Luann,
Melanie’s answer to your question is spot on!
My only other contribution to your question is that for those those of us who are creative types, writing out your story could serve a useful purpose if you were writing a book. But even then, such writing is best done in a DETACHED manner after you have cleared the layers of pain through something as useful and powerful as NARP.
To write about the abuse you’ve experienced before doing the healing work on yourself, as Melanie says, only promotes victimization and staying stuck.
Not only that, the energy that you would be pouring forth into your words will be going to feed the narc the supply that s/he needs and craves, as narcs are very much in tune with the flow of energy between themselves and their source of supply.
First and foremost, do the inner work on yourself. If you don’t have NARP, please do yourself the immense favor and get it. It will help with raising your vibrations to manifest the shift you need to make, so that your vibrations are no longer a match to those of the narc.
Thank you so much Neringa for sharing your story. It was very inspiring and I could relate to it so much. I am happy that you and your daughter are free now and have the ability to write out your lives the way you want it to be.
Thank you for your kind words, Quinton.
Getting free of the narc is not a destination. Rather , it is the starting point of a new journey — a journey with its own unique set of challenges to overcome and joys to be met.
Being an artist, this is how I also relate to my creative projects.
While I love seeing the finished project, I am much more in love with the creative process and the wonderful journey that it takes me on.
I am really much more “process” oriented than “product” oriented.
Once one creative journey comes to an end, it’s time to start planning the next journey.
Likewise with my own life. Freedom from the narc is the end product of a long journey. Now is time to get ready for the next journey.
So true, all the best of love, luck and life to you.
Neringa, thank you for sharing your story. As I read it, I was reminded of the time a long time ago now when I was with my ex and I found myself saying that I did not believe that men like him existed. There was no NARP back then and no kinesiologists; all I knew was that I was involved in a very destructive relationship where I lost a lot of weight, was constantly having confusing conversations that I now realise were what is known as gaslighting. I can remember him saying ‘Let’s talk about this.’ I thought that by sharing my feelings, the issue would be resolved! No. All I got was tired and kept up until the wee hours wondering why nothing ever got resolved. I made my escape after many times when I was planning to leave and then he would stop me by promising that we would ‘work it out’. I must have had strong self-preservation within myself because without telling him, I made my plans to leave when I was 5 months pregnant. That is after he told me that he was only going to give me $50.00 housekeeping each week after our baby was born. I felt very scared because he was a very scary person and he had already thrown a phone at me and punched a hole in the wall. I was very unhappy and knew that if I did not leave when I was pregnant and working, it would be a nightmare once our child was born. I made plans to leave and did not tell him. I made arrangements to have all the furniture removed whilst he was at work and have it stored while I stayed out my pregnancy at my mother’s home. My pregnancy was made a nightmare by him and after our daughter was born, life got even worse. When she was 4 weeks old I got a restraining order and began plans to have child maintenance and access ordered through the court so that it would work for my daughter and me. He was so abusive that once he visited my mother’s home and cut through the telephone wires when he was drunk, dragged me with the baby in my arms to his car and tried to push me inside the car. My mother tried to intervene and he pushed her to the road where she was hurt. I fled to a mothercraft home and hid there for a week with my daughter until I entered a psychiatric facility a week later and where I underwent intensive therapy for the next 6 years, working to heal all the childhood issues, quite effectively I might say. The first three years after my daughter was born were awful, filled with pain and trying to get him off my back. He was malicious and relentless and very controlling, alienating all my friends and acquaintances and saying damaging things to my family. I fought back through the family court system to have an agreement worked out that worked for my daughter and me so that he could not continue to take me to court for contempt. He did this more times than I care to think. He sabotaged child support payments, used our daughter as a pawn in his game, came to our home and caused mayhem; so much that I eventually used to carry out the handover for access visits at the local police station just for my own safety. I worked hard on making a life for me and my daughter despite his efforts and although he took away the child support when he could, I found work cleaning houses and gardening and created a bread business.I went back to uni and was also fortunate to be able to rent a public housing cottage in a good area so that my daughter could go to a good school. I became stronger and went back to uni and got my teaching degree. Sadly, when my daughter was a child, he made both her and my life a sheer hell when he could and my experience of parenting was not what I would have liked. I wished it could be safe and like other mothers I used to see having an easier time of it when they had good husbands. My daughter is now grown up and my life is totally different now. I recently ended a relationship with my boyfriend of one and a half years and that is how I found Melanie and NARP and also accessed the services of a good counsellor and kinesiologist to make the energy shifts. I thought that after my ex, I would have healed everything, but no, the relationship with my ex-boyfriend showed me what was still necessary to heal. So now, think that the work is done and I am in a totally different place. I never think about my ex and my boyfriend is becoming a distant memory. I am focussed on my healing and am also only allowing into my life these days, those people and things that are in alignment with my values and with who I am as a person. I am amazed at what I am seeing now when people offer carrots that look nourishing. On closer inspection and with a few pertinent questions, along with valuing my intuition, I am removing myself from unsavoury contacts.I am happy and content. My life is going really well too. Just yesterday, I found out that my home loan will be paid out in just 6 years and I have been in bed sick with the flu for the past week. I rang my boss yesterday and he graciously has given me the rest of the week off. So life is now supporting my raised energy level and support of myself. thank you for the reminder of how far I have actually come from those very dark and dangerous days so long ago now.
Hi Suzanne,
That was quite the wringer you’ve been through! And I don’t doubt that those years, especially when your daughter was very young, were truly hellish years that you probably feared would never end.
But aren’t you glad they did?!
You are an awesome and strong woman to have gone through all that you have gone through and emerge on the other side as an amazing thriver! (I would LOVE to read your Thriver story!) Your daughter is very fortunate to have an incredible mom like you!
Keep up with the great work you’ve been doing! And savor the new fantastic journey you’re about to embark on! xox
Hi Neringa. Yes, I took a little trip down memory lane today and remembered every nasty event and how it all felt. I have no pain, just memories. It was a wringer experience but in retrospect, without the two major N experiences I have had, I would not have become aware of where I needed to heal and would be in the same place. I have perhaps more compassion for my ex-boyfriend than my other ex who is the father of my daughter. I understand where they are coming from on a deep level and truly, they are in a terrble internal place that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. My sadness these days is about my daughter. My family of origin is basically N and I do not have much contact with them. My daughter is flourishing today because of all the internal work that I did to heal when she was really young. She is dynamic, together, has a solid sense of self and is a wonderful young woman who is just finishing her second university degree. She is also an amazing artist who has already at age 25 had her first successful exhibition. She has reaped the benefit of my internal work which is why her life is so together and she has travelled to many parts of the world and continues to do so. She will be married in November to a young man who is perfect for her and they are like peas in a pod and best friends. They have been together now for over 5 years. Unfortunately, because of my family of origin, in particularly my mother, and my daughter’s father, I have been discredited
(you will know all about this I am sure. I have felt a lot of pain over the past 5 years because my daughter has found it very difficult to relate with me and it is just now that she and I are starting to have a relationship that is warm and nurturing again. She has truly been poisoned and I can do nothing except pray and keep reaching out. We had a lovely time with each other about a month ago and shared breakfast with each other that she had made without the presence of her boyfriend for the first time in 5 years, so that 2 hours together was very healing.
You mentioned that you would be interested in reading my thriver story. If you read some of Mel’s earlier articles you will see that I have shared aspects of my journey in those. Several people have suggested that I write a book about those experiences and I do have a book in mind; its form just hasn’t come into being yet.
My life is really wonderful. I live in a beautiful place and love my home which is in a lovely natural and wooded part of my city of Perth. I work as an early childhood specialist and also teach children with learning difficulties in my consultancy.I find my work very satisfying and love teaching my kids. I have a good and solid social network and attend my church regularly. Over the past 5 years I have resumed my sport of cycling and ride a road bike. I ride for 21.5 kms most mornings and with my peloton on Saturday mornings for 50 – 65 kms. Sometimes I do longer rides on the holidays. I also dance salsa, merengue and bachata and am at quite a high level in dance now. My dance school is going to Bali in September for a 4 day intensive workshop to learn under master dancers from Cuba. It should be a lot of fun.
My other hobbies are Art, I am some kind of artist but do not currently have sufficient time to devote to my art. I love photography and plan at some stage to become more professional. My photos are quite good but I want them to be of a professional standard. That all takes time and energy.
I am very good at self-care and spend a lot of time nurturing myself. I am a very social being, but also need a lot of time to replenish myself through meditation and reflection. I love to write and journal a lot and simply enjoy being at home with myself.
Once again, thanks so much for sharing your story. It was a good reminder about where I have come from and what I have overcome. Life is really good now and the person I was back then and even the one I was a few months ago, is no longer. The energy I have now is no match for a N. Strangely, I can see them coming from a mile away now. Never could see it before. I have realised how important it is to stay with my own integrity and not allow anything or anyone into my life that does not match who I am. I am busy caring for myself. I trust that when the time is right, a man who is capable of truly valuing and cherishing me will appear in my life and my focus now is simply to create the best life I possibly can and contribute to the world in the ways that I can.
First of all I want to thank Melanie for providing this site and a forum for this invaluable information. I’d also like to thank Neringa for sharing her personal story.
I have a question…it may be a bit convoluted, but how do you know they are a Narcissist for sure or if it is something else? Bad behavior, poor boundaries, lying, cheating, etc. are still unhealthy and should be avoided no matter what the diagnosis!
However, I ask this because I keep going back and forth from different materials I read, questioning myself and my idea of what is happening.
My boyfriend is a compulsive liar and makes up outragous stories. I know he cheats even though I’ve never caught him. He goes weeks with no contact then returns as if no time at all has gone by – expecting us to pick-up where we left off (usually a long night of making love). He makes promises and doesn’t make any effort at all to follow through even though he says he’s trying to be a “better man.”
Yet, every time I am in his presence, he tells me I’m “beautiful” his “dream come true” that we’re “perfect for one another.” He tells me that we’re committed to one another. And asks me to validate that I’m not with anyone but him. The lists go on and on and is really quite “crazy making” in itself.
Yet, he disappears for lengths of time. I’ve never met his family. He’s never met mine. I don’t trust him, he doesn’t trust me. How could this ever be a committed relationship?
This last time we were together, he was drunk. In our two years togehter, it was the first time I noticed that, but in reflection know he’s showed up drunk/possibly stoned many times before. I immediately thought that maybe he is an addict or alcholic – and not a narcissist? Maybe I just never smelled the alcohol on him and he’s drunk or high when he tells me these things? (It seems as though I’m trying to find an excuse for his poor/bad behavior).
I read about the 20 something generation and how it’s a “me” based generation, and “narcissistic” in general, due to how the parents have catered to them.
Could he just have poor boundaries? Could he just be immature? Could it be that he’s afraid of his feelings towards me so he pulls away (for a longer period of time then most men need) to recover?
The more I read about relationships, the more confused I become.
Again, his behaviors are not healthy and I should walk away…not continue going back and forth, either way!
I guess I just need clarification.
Thank you!
Hi DeDe,
Okay I wish to be really straight with you.
The ONLY reason you are going back and forth in your head, and within the relationship (like we all did) is because you have unhealed wounds within you that are still keeping you in cognitive dissonance – which is trying to find ‘loop holes’ to exonerate him.
This is how it works DeDe – everyone’s mind WITHOUT EXCEPTION think thoughts which match our inner programming – especially when triggered.
Which means the fear of abandonment, wanting to be accepted, anxiety from being ‘unloved’, ‘unsupported’ etc. within you is allowing you to try to hang on to a man who is delivering all of this (unavailability) and so much more.
All of what he is doing is matching original wounds within you that started long before your relationship with him.
Have you been able to see and understand those patterns within you – because that is what you need to address and heal – he is ONLY a catalyst bringing those unhealed patterns to your attention.
That’s what’s really playing out here..
Now to address your question about him.
NO pathological lying is acceptable – healthy adults who have any sense of connection with themselves, or are available for love relationships are NOT pathological liars.
Real relationships have a bedrock of integrity and trust.
NO cheating is acceptable – ESPECIALLY when it is covered up with pathological lying.
Love bombing (words stroking your ego) followed by atrocious behaviour (missing in action) is POINT BLANK narcissistic.
Does it matter whether this decidedly disordered behaviour is due to alcohol, drugs or NPD?
The ‘excuses’ of ‘poor boundaries’ and being ‘immature’ just don’t cut it.
You are struggling with stating and knowing your rights of commitment -and making excuses that he is scared – really what you need to look at is your boundaries, and why you are tolerating this with him or any potential mate?
This is not about understanding or being able to fix his issues.
In fact NONE of us EVER have any ability to fix someone else. Every human on this planet has the responsibility of tending to the first essential relationship which is between them and themself.
Because without having that relationship healthy there is no ability to attract and maintain a healthy relationship.
This is actually not about him – this is FIRMLY about your relationship with yourself.
If you stay and make it about him, then the relationship is only going to disintegrate you further, and you will keep avoiding your own growth, healing and evolution until you have had enough of the pain.
I hope this is clear enough!
Mel xo
Hi DeDe,
Melanie couldn’t have said it any better or more completely.
Whether your boyfriend is a narcissist or not, the bottom line is that he is exhibiting unchanging behavior patterns. Whatever label you may attach to him and his behaviors is irrelevant.
What really needs to be addressed is your reaction to these maladaptive behaviors and the reason for your reaction and continuing to stay with him.
Like Melanie said, the inner pain you’re experiencing is a direct vibrational match to the level of dysfunction exhibited by your boyfriend.
Please take the time and effort to work on yourself. If you don’t have NARP, please get it. It will work miracles in your life!
Thank you for your kind words, and I am glad to see that you found inspiration in my story.
Keep on doing the healing work on yourself and counting your blessings everyday. Some day someone will find hope and inspiration in your story!
Hi Melanie,
Love your work. It takes a long time to get over the shock of Narcissistic Abuse. Only now am I starting to realise how I am responsible for not having had better boundaries.
I have just listened to your recent show on
Shame.
Melanie I am 47. Never married. No kids. Thought this would all happen in the last Narc relationship which lasted 6 years. Thought we would go through the IVF which he said he wanted.
I had a previous Narc relationship for 10 years. I have now realised my 1st relationship I believe was 2 Co-Dependants.
I am Co-Dependant.
Melanie, my disappointments have caught up with me. No kids, no family of my own. I feel so ostracised by people who think I don’t know about life and I feel invalidated.
I am a Reg Nurse. I am not a narcissist myself. I have had terrible self-esteem issues and thought by being a nurse this would solve everything. All I have ended up doing is caring for everyone else and neglected myself.
My parents divorced when I was 8 and my Mum had a series of alcoholic and narcissitic relationships which I had to live with and endure.
Melanie I realise I had poor role models. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself because most of us probably did or at least many of us.
The SHAME I feel is I neglected Mother Nature and I am childless and can never get that back. I feel worthless and honestly I feel other people are very prejudice and look down on me for that. I feel shame because people say things like “Why haven’t you got kids, that is what you are supposed to do?” I feel so sad.
How do I deal with the fact I feel I have wasted my life? Don’t mean to sound dramatic but Melanie can you talk about how people can cope and deal with other people and master disappointments in life.
Thanks. I love your work. You are truly the best Mel. Thanks for doing what you do. Without your wisdom I think I would still be in my last Narc relationship. I got out and ran for my life!!!!!
Thanks Mel xxx
Hi Deborah,
This sentence jumped out at me: “How do I deal with the fact I feel I have wasted my life?”
Being 55 your feeling resonated with me, especially since I don’t even have a decent and rewarding career due to my patchwork resume and my age making me unattractive to potential employers.
So how do you, I, or anyone else deal with it? By NARPing on.
These disappointments and “less than” feeling originate from the pain our own unhealed selves.
Once we make the commitment to work on ourselves and actively and passionately follow through with that commitment, that’s when we shift.
Our first priority is to forge a loving relationship with ourselves.
It will no longer matter what others think of you because you will no longer be identifying with feeling that attract that sort of prejudice your way.
Once we have that love affair with ourselves in place, that’s when the miracles start happening.
Hi Neringa,
Thankyou for your reply. Thanks for sharing your story with everyone. It truly helps us all. Your right it is never too late. I have been feeling quite negative lately. I feel like I am purging up a lot of stuff to release it which is good. I finally feel I am starting to work on me too now having truly let go of that relationship. So actually I feel I am getting there and I am NARCing regularly and trying to release and heal. I am also finding that once I find myself in situations again there is no need for me to go back into that negative situation because I have been there and healed that bit. It really is a journey.
Thanks again Neringa and I wish you all the very best in the future. This site, Mel and everyone on it is wonderful. Has been so much more helpful to me than any councelling sessions I ever done. Thanks xx
I meant NARP xx
Mel I have a couple of questions regarding narcissism. I am currently married, and have been in a relationship 10years. my husband displays certain narcissistic characteristics. These include, talking about himself excessively, how he’s so great at this, and how advanced he is at that. he calls other drivers idiots, puts on a front with strangers. when I.explain I don’t appreciate a certain behavior l he avoids responsibility. my question is can a marriage work with someone who has narssistic tendencies? Especially if I do the work on myself, and establish boundaries and express my feelings. we also have discussed. hisnarsistics tendencies and has admitted to these behaviors and is aware. Isn’t love accepting peoples flaws, isn’t that what unconditional love is? Hoping
Hi Tasha,
no problem!
Ok you are describing someone who has low self-esteem, and doesn’t feel secure within himself.
Also he is bottling up the ‘not feeling good about himself’ and then getting angry with other driver’s.
It is very true that narcissists all inflate their sense of importance, and put on incredible displays of seeking attention in company – BUT they also pathologically lie, are adulterous, argue like twisted five-year-olds (which you can’t confuse with anything other than thinking you are going mad) and act out taking hairline umbrage to slights and malicious payback revenge when the False Self is not adhered to.
These are not the behaviours you are describing.
Absolutely loving someone is accepting them warts and all. No-one is perfect, and everyone will have behaviour we don’t necessarily ‘like’ – and when you love someone you accept ‘all of them’. The truth is someone is only going to have someone in their life unconditionally loving them, if they have learnt to unconditionally love themselves. This is the journey your husband needs to find for himself.
That accepting ‘all of them’ certainly does not ‘work’ with narcissists for obvious reasons. There is no prize for being a martyr trying to love someone whilst they are annihilating you, simply to discard you somewhere down the track, when the cracks become so huge, or there is nothing of you left to take.
Your partner is not NPD (from the behaviours you have listed), so try to see him, and feel him as the more secure, happier, sure of himself man that both of you would like to experience him as.
Criticising him is not the answer….
People tend to grant you ‘how you see them’.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Hi Tasha, The angry driver, road rage thing was a big one for me too. Everyone on the road, look out! here comes ‘name’ and everyone is an idiot except his lordship! lol! I was even taking sides (to him) when I asked him to please calm down, as I don’t feel comfortable with your behaviour. Then I would get abused while he was road raging with everyone else and I held my breath for a very long time, until he stopped the car. LOL! talk about being in hell! The car was always the trigger for him to start on me about something too, so in the end I avoided going anywhere with him,(the perfect way to trap me). He also talked about himself, how he was better than all the ‘idiots’ at his work, and his ‘friends’ how hopeless they were, and then say ‘the person was their good mate’ and it was just crazy! Oh and then he would say…’you are making a big deal about nothing again’ after he had nearly wiped out everyone on the road! and I was turning blue from holding my breath! No accountability whatsoever. It was all my fault.
I find that they admit to having a few issues after they discover they may loose you and then they become consumed with fear, so will do anything, say whatever it takes to get you to believe they are finally admitting they need help. Mine admitted he was fearful of loosing me, as he knew he was. He became worse knowing this may happen. The more boundaries you set, the more they will change their behaviour to get through them. It is a consistent story. I set boundaries and my ex always found a way to bust them down.
No to accepting you, flaws and all too, as if they accepted you for who you are, then they wouldn’t dish out endless criticism to cause you pain, so they get more supply. It is also not acceptable to ‘accept’ them for being cruel and malicious toward us. Abuse is not acceptable. In their minds, they are not being abusive, only offering ‘constructive criticism’ (which was my ex’s excuse all the time). If I dared criticised him, I would be attacked and very quickly.
Hope you are finding some answers and Mel always has the best advice which I work with and trust completely. I got off planet narc after I started listening to my instincts and loving myself again and working with NARP. If your husband is not a narc, then you may have some hope in building a beautiful, trusting relationship and if he is willing to sit and talk like an adult, not a 5 year old, then you have a good chance, as long as it is authentic. You will know, listen to your gut.
Love to you. Jac xx
Hi Neringa and Mel! 🙂
Incredible story. Quite different to mine, in that I was not married, nor did I have children to him (thank goodness), but similar in so many other ways. One thing in your story that really was similar to my experience were ‘the tears’ of sadness, of pain, or whatever they were about would flow often, especially out of the blue, when he was probably thinking of something to make him cry (he was a great actor) and at the same time he would say, ‘I love you Jac, so much’ and it looked like he was feeling deep love for me at the time. I knew after I woke up that ‘they were tears for another reason’ so I stopped accepting them as real. Not long after the tears would flow, he would flip and turn nasty again, attacking me ‘for goodness knows what’ and so it went, a vicious cycle of finding lots of ways to get my attention to focus on him and feel empathy for him.
After an episode of rage, which was often if something he was working on didn’t do as it was told (he was a model kit builder, among other creative tasks he would do) then I would ask if he was ok,because he looked like he had just lost a close friend, and I would get a response like ‘why would you ask that for? what a stupid question!’ Attack me for asking. Then appologise later and say ‘I am sorry ‘BUT’, you shouldn’t talk to me when I am busy doing something’ and add ‘mum used to do that too, ask stupid questions while I was busy’…meaning to me he had issues relating to his mother. Very odd behaviour, as you can relate.
I admire your strength and courage to get free. It really does feel better on planet earth, as apposed to being stuck on ‘planet narc’!
Much love and strength to you and your family. Jac 😀 <3
“Planet Narc” — I like that one! 🙂
To Neringa, A life time of abuse, in many forms and narc abuse was the worst out of all of my experiences. I walked into the ‘one’ relationship that nearly killed me, and walked out a survivor. Stories like yours give us all hope and due to your sharing and others sharing their stories, many of us have found it is possible to survive and eventually thrive after one of the greatest lessons one can receive, which is, I believe being narc abused. The experience really gets us to look deep within and find our true selves, when there is not much left.
I am thankful for the gift and possibly, if I hadn’t found it this time, then there may not have been a next time.
Love and (((((hugs))))). Jac 🙂
Thank you for your kind words, Jac.
A year ago I did not think that it was going to be possible to escape from Planet Narc.
As poor as his health was, the narc was one of those seriously unhealthy people who just linger. As such, I thought my escape was going to happen when he was finally 6 feet under. And who knew how many more years that was going to be.
But possibilities are always there, even in the most improbable situation. There is always hope.
The best thing anyone of us can do is to work on healing ourselves, because once we heal our pain and shift, that’s when we discover that the keys to unlock those possibilities have always been there within ourselves.
Mel,
Thank you so much for your insights. I just wanted to add that the information that I provided is just a sliver of what could be explained about my situation. I just recently found out through a series of events that I am codependent. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, where my father left when I was three. My mother struggled with a meth addiction later in my childhood, and I lived in several homeless shelters and drug houses as a result. My mother had many boyfriends all that were addicts and was eventually involved in a drug bust. We moved from house to house, school to school so I never had the chance to really settle down in one place. At a young age I was molested by a man my mom was dating which left many scars. I came into contact with my father, while we were living in a homeless shelter and we all decided to live with him. I went through a nasty custody battle between my parents, this mainly occurred because my father didn’t want to pay the back child support that he owed. That aside I feel like I have made tremendous progress in letting go a lot of pain that I have endured. I have forgiven my parents and my molester, and all the people in between that have hurt me. I have also made great strides in not placing myself as the victim in life, and being an overcomer. In regards to my relationship with my husband, when we first met I made it clear that I didn’t approve of drugs. Which he eventually starting smoking weed without my knowing and lied about it for years, and claimed that if he told me he would be afraid that I wouldn’t want to be with him. He still struggles with his addiction but no longer lies about it because I am no longer an enabler. I used to get so upset when I would find out he would be smoking, like he did it to intently to hurt me, but I am no longer playing the victim/enabler. He has never cheated on me, when it comes to criticism I am the one dishing it out. I do notice that in arguments in particular he tries to minimize his offenses by comparing to a wrongdoing I have done in the past. He has an over inflated ego, and when interacting with other acts super personable then, talks badly of the person in private,(sometimes says nice things) especially to his friends. Also, when he is feeling upset, he attempts to scapegoat his emotions on me, and a lot of the times he avoids self-responsibility for his actions. His brother is a textbook narcissist, the type that you describe. His mother is an alcoholic, and his father is extremely harsh and degrading individual. That’s why it has lead me to believe that my husband displays many narcissistic characteristics and which his upbringing has brought that about. My question is, isn’t there different degrees of narcissism, in which they display some traits, but not all? By working and focusing on myself, healing all my wounds, wouldn’t that change our dynamic, thus our entire marriage? I have come to the realization that I want to strive to work hard to overcome my inner demons, but I don’t think that it means that I should quit on my marriage. I believe that we do attract our most inner pain in relationships, but isn’t that the perfect setup to truly heal, completely when we are constantly being tested. My husband does not rule me, and does not have the power to take my identity, and he does give me room to grow. I used to see my husband as my god that would make everything ok, someone to make me feel alive. I no longer see him as that, and my faith in a god has shifted my focus, and beautiful concept about god is that he makes me feel whole, and accepted, and loved more than any human being can provide. That has become my saving grace. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Hi Tasha,
you are welcome, and I thought there could be much more, and that is great that you are sharing it – it certainly does assist me to tune in more…
Absolutely your childhood created conditions where it would have virtually been impossible to become a ‘solid source to yourself.’ With any childhood, where we did not receive the mirroring that we worthy and loveable simply because we exist, which means ‘conditions’ to be worthy and loved (if that was even established) – that then automatically creates co-dependency.
So yes – you (like so many of us) were automatically ‘co-dependent’ on trying to seek your worthiness and your love for yourself outside of yourself.
In regard to ‘letting go of pain’, it is usually later down the track when we receive the real life examples of the same pattern showing up again – OR we still receive large emotional triggers from something outside of ourself, that we KNOW we have in fact no let it go.
If we had it would not have presented again.
‘Letting it go’ is not cognitive – it is deeply vibrational – it is cellular. If it is still stuck as cellular memory in your subconscious (which is the cellular network throughout your entire body) it will keep turning up and coming up in your life.
The addiction agony of your Mum (as well as many other things) was still cellular present – this is what your partner’s addictions are showing you. You declaring you won’t have them in your life makes no difference – if your body (subconscious) still carries these charges – your body WILL have its way in your life – regardless of what you try to think and do.
And this is exactly what has happened.
I agree with you 100% that you need to clean up your inner programs. THEN you will know what is his and what is yours, because you will be ‘observing’ rather than being heavily triggered by demons of the past.
Your saviour truly Tasha is within, you are your own saviour and creator – but you need to free your body of these cellular stored memories and wounds to get your clarity and freedom on these topics.
Approach these at a much deeper energetic level, rather than cognitive, and you will be able to release what you need to.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
I was married for over 20 years and have four teenagers with the nars. I accepted the abuse and didn’t see the forest from the trees until his infidelity was uncovered. I learned to go with my gut. I left the nars but share the children with him which keeps us connected and complicated. I am continuing to work on separating our lives but with share of kids it’s not easy. He’s a master at manipulation and spinning and making me question my own decisions at times. This website has been a God send. I am concerned that the children are abused and have been for years but they love him and he provides so how do I keep them safe. Leaving him also created distance with his extended family who won’t face the truth. The hardest part is accepting that this can’t be fixed and just must be managed and learning to move on and create a new life.
I also at times don’t feel safe. He is becoming more and more enraged when he can’t control me and I don’t accommodate him. He often puts up a front in front of the children and has actually turned one of them against me and often tells me negative things others say about me. Gaslighting is the perfect term. As difficult as this is I am so happy I now am enlightened and realize that I have to take control of my life and let go of trying to understand him and make sense of things.
Hi Suzi,
The more you work on healing your own pain, the more you will shift. And the more you will shift, the less of a match the narc will become to your vibration.
Also the more healing and shifting you do on yourself, your children will also be affected as they have that connection to you due to having come out of your womb.
I have heard of people whose children were so sucked in by the narc that they totally against their non-narc parent, only to eventually find their way back to that parent after s/he did the work on themselves and cleared their layers of pain.
With minor children in the picture, it is very hard to go No Contact. But the next best thing is Modified Contact.
And as always, when having to deal with the narc when children are involved, it’s best to have firm and unwavering boundaries in place. After all, if you give a narc an inch, never mind him talking 1 mile; he’s going to take 100 miles.
Definitely continue taking control of your life and letting go of trying to understand the narc. If you have NARP, please work that for accelerated clearing and shifting.
Another hard part is having to be so strategic. I’m a very honest person with nothing to hide but I have to really play a game in order to deal with the Nars without revealing how I really feel. It’s so hard to adjust to not trusting someone I trusted for so many years and to stop confiding in him and to hear him tell me that I get everything wrong and am weak and selfish which is untrue. I now know that he is a pathological lier with poor judgement who will stab me or anyone in the back every chance he gets while telling me that he cares about me and often charming people. I get confused regarding the children’s well being- this is the father they have but will they ever be safe- will they someday be better off with no contact or will they be ok as they move forward with their own independent lives. What do I tell the children- do I try to cover up for him so they don’t have to fully face it now.