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You have been working really hard on yourself, you feel yourself become more aware, more aligned with what you want, and you know how much better you have got at honouring yourself.

And then something happens…

It feels like it all falls apart.

Your limiting beliefs come to the surface and you feel like you can’t move forward any longer.

Sound familiar?

There certainly are periods in life when we hit a wall and start to feel emotionally stuck.

When we are emotionally stuck life can be really confusing. It feels like we don’t have a clear picture, or a clear path.

These are the times we are clearly at crossroads.

Certainly this means we have reached a ‘juncture’ – a time when our heart and our head are not in synch and life isn’t flowing with us either.

I’ve written this week’s article to provide you with a resource which you can apply when starting to feel emotionally stuck, so that you can get unstuck, and keep progressing in your spiritual journey.

 

You Know What You Want But Don’t Know How To Get There

So let’s investigate what being emotionally stuck is…

Being stuck is a fearful gut feeling that something is not right, that you should not proceed, or you have no idea how to proceed.

Maybe you know what you would like to create, such as:

  • A healthy new relationship
  • A fulfilling career
  • More prosperity
  • A better relationship with (name of person)
  • Improved health
  • etc. etc.

If you mentally know what your goal is – yetemotionally don’t feel confident and equipped to create this goal – then you have a struggle going on.

You may even know logically the definite path you need to take, yet emotionally you feel inadequate, intimidated or overwhelmed – or at the very least confused.

If you have survival programs operating in your deep subconscious then your fears may be incredibly irrational. You may look at your environment, see many other people creating what you would like to – yet you have fear and blocks going on within you which feel really hard to overcome.

Gut feelings can be incredibly confusing and misleading. This can produce frustrating questions such as “Is this an intuitive message or not?” “Is this my gut trying to warn me about something, or is this just my own fear?”

Many people think their intuition is granting them a message – when in fact their gut feelings are coming from faulty belief systems formed in the past.

It actually isn’t until false belief systems are cleared that you do have access to clear intuitive messages.

 

Beliefs Opposing Wellbeing

Maybe your life has been so stuck in survival that you can’t imagine dreaming of goals and aspirations.

Okay…so what is really going on when you feel emotionally stuck?

I believe it is this…

We have emotional belief systems which are keeping us anchored in the opposite of the wellbeing we would like our life to be.

It’s really important to understand that belief systems have nothing to do logically with how you would like your life to go.

I find it incredible that we were educated to know very little about our emotional belief systems when they are running almost our entire life (95% of our choices and behaviours by the time we are 35 years old)!

What are belief systems?

They are thoughts / feelings that we repeatedly experience. The stronger the emotional charge that occurs with a thought, and the more often the thought / feeling occurs –  the more powerfully entrenched is that belief system.

The unfortunate thing about faulty belief systems – understandably – is that they form around really important issues in our life. The things we feel most strongly about.

Belief systems become more than a habit – they become your way of operation – they become your way of being.

It takes great determination to change ingrained belief systems – and many of them remain undetected by people – simply because they can be so deeply unconscious.

Belief systems only become evident when people take the effort to become metacognitive (inwardly reflective). Belief systems are not recognised without insight (inner-sight) – and the logical mind is very limited in recognising and accessing belief systems.

The language of belief systems is not the language of the mind – it is the language of the emotions. It is as a result of becoming emotionally intelligent that you start understanding and working on your belief systems.

Here are some examples of common belief systems which can be in opposition to the wellbeing we wish to experience.

  • Life is painful and a struggle
  • I never follow through with anything
  • People I love don’t support me
  • People I love hurt me
  • People I love leave me
  • Nothing I do works out for me
  • I don’t deserve anything good
  • I always have to do everything myself
  • I can’t trust anyone but myself
  • When things go right, something has to go wrong

As you can imagine this list can be extensive…

‘Life’ is always energetically calling us forward into the flow of wellbeing, and expansion towards our Divine Good and is continually granting feelings, inspirations, messages and opportunities to achieve this expansion.

That is what ‘life force’ gloriously does.

However, as we know life doesn’t always flow like that.

The reason it doesn’t is because IF we have an associated defunct belief system in opposition to this expansion we hit a brick wall internally and / or externally.

Or we completely ignore the ‘cues’ of Source and egoically create another path with inferior choices as a result of emptiness, fear or neediness – which is all about seeking the quick fix to avoid dealing with emotional pain and our limiting belief systems (ourself).

Our disconnection from wellbeing is false belief systems digging their heels in, causing internal emotional pain, fear or doubt and / or something in life ‘showing up’ as the manifestation of a false belief system.

It is so important to understand – this is how life works when our inner world is not a match for our true flow of wellbeing.

 

The Results of Belief System Sabotage

Belief system sabotage whether internal or external feels like rubbish!

We feel all locked up, fearful and confused, and often something we did not want to happen turns up and knocks the wind out of us.

When we feel confused, scared and in emotional pain – what we USUALLY DO is go to our mind and start analysing!

Now that I really understand how to get clarity, relief and growth as a result of embracing and addressing the emotion – this fascinates me.

HOW is the human condition about experiencing ‘dilemmas’ and ‘emotional pain’, yet we were NOT taught the true solutions to gain positive results from dlemmas and emotional pain?

I love the expression which I borrowed from Orna Walters – ‘blender brain’. This expression has really taken off in this community. NARPers send me this expressions in emails all the time!

‘Blender brain’ is exactly what happens when the results of a defunct belief system affect us and we try to work out logically what on earth the emotional pain is about.

All this ever does is separate us from getting in contact with the belief system – let alone having the ability to release it and change it.

By thinking about the emotional pain ALL we do is go over and over ’the story’, create more stress (high range beta-brain wave and adrenaline and cortisol), and reinforce the painful belief system by creating more associated peptide manufacture.

By going over the story with no resolution (we have no control over anything that isn’t ourself) we have just reinforced the negative belief’s power over us.

Have you noticed that when you are energised mentally that it is incredibly difficult to get solutions? You know nothing works for you when you are obsessing in your mind. You know you are only ‘guessing’ – you have no true answers, and you keep going back version, after version, after version – trying to create yet another logical answer to get some peace – but to no avail.

It is scientifically proven that high range beta brain wave is NOT an intelligent or effective brainwave. It is ONLY suitable for primitive survival functions, and has access to nothing other than primitive, fearful, self-preserving thoughts.

What it does is scan information from the past, logically go on ‘what it knows’ (the triggered false belief system) and tries to create strategies from past fears as to how to offset danger and retain survival in the future. A future your brain has NO ABILITY to predict!

If the past belief systems are very twisted and fearful – beta brain wave (stress / fear / self-doubt / panic) can make people do some pretty deranged things.

Such as words and actions which can’t be taken back and create immense damage.

When we attack emotional pain with logic it hurts even more and we may get incredibly obsessed about our problems to the point where they feel all consuming. Now there is a bigger problem when we can’t let go of the issue and reach inner peace.

If the painful emotion continues, we need to self-avoid to cope. The choices are – use addictions to distract from the pain, medicate to dull it, or project it at and attack someone else in order to offload it.

 

Making Room For Infinite Intelligence

Have you ever noticed that when you let something go that often in the most incredible (even miraculous) ways the solution presents itself, or exactly the information you need just shows up.

I can assure you there is NO coincidence that this often happens in your life. This is the reason why it happens….

… because you got yourself out of the way.

You became ‘no-one’.

You were no longer identified with your personality (ego), you are no longer obsessing about what you did or didn’t have, what people think, what happened in you past that hurt you on this issue, your fear in the future about this issue, or the doubt / fear / lack or panic now.

When you get out of the way you be-come peace. By being it – it comes.

You grant the space for something else to present itself. This ‘something else’ is Who You Really Are – your Infinite Intelligence. Your Infinite Intelligence can only come from within.

It is only by letting go of your attachment to outcomes and conditions needing to be a ‘certain way’ (conditional living and loving) that you can just ‘be’ and allow this bigger part of yourself to ‘show up’.

It will only present when your ego is not in the way.

This ability to open up to something bigger than your limited self is not accessible through your logical mind.

When you are in high range beta (blender) brain you are cut off from your Infinite Intelligence – you are stuck with your limited ego trying to battle it out with the world around you (defensive survival programs) – and of course the results are awful, because you are not in flow with the well-being of life – you are separated from it.

Not only are you separated from your life – the REAL truth is – you are separated from yourself.

This is actually the greatest source of pain in your entire life.

All other losses and separations and hurts are really just representations of your separation with yourself.

When you are connected to yourself there is nothing you can lose that was worth having, and there is nothing that you really are which can be taken away from you. You are all that you need right now as well as the embodied potential of All That You Are To Come.

 

Which Mind Is In Control

The illusion is that your logical mind is controlling your emotions, and therefore is what you need to work with.

Ask yourself – “Really???”

Do you really believe that your mind has been in control of your emotions?

Simply look back at your life to answer that question honestly…

Here is a huge issue with the mind trying to control the emotions.

Emotions are the results of perceptions (belief systems) regarding the thoughts or events we experience. Within the chemical composition of emotions (peptides) we only have brain functions that exist within the range of those chemicals.

Therefore if we experience a trigger of incredible self-doubt, or self-condemnation the only thoughts we have access to within those events matches the chemicals of self-doubt and self-condemnation.

We may seek advice outside of ourself – how we should think differently, how we can think differently – and many examples of why we can think differently – yet our subconscious mind (where the belief systems reside) does not hear any of that and continues to keep manufacturing the corresponding peptide chemicals. It feels differently
to this ‘advice’.

If we are experiencing a very egoic fearful belief system that creates a heavy and painful charge (a trigger) – the brain wiring and functioning that is available at that time is low in consciousness.

The body has contracted, Infinite Intelligence has been separated from (pinched off), survival programs have activated and the thoughts which arise are victimised, egoic and lack personal accountability (because victims victimise).

Emotional intelligence on this issue is grossly underdeveloped.

Trying to logically breakthrough to yourself or such a person in this state (even after the event) may be incredibly limited. There simply may not be any access to the evolved perceptions regarding this issue – that brain wiring is simply not available yet.

Logical concepts (no matter how logical they sound) are not believed if they are not embodied.

How do we think, feel and behave? ….as per what we believe as per our belief systems.

 

How To Get Unstuck

Can you imagine getting your car bogged in mud?

You know what would happen if you pretended it wasn’t and you put your foot down harder on the accelerator.

It’s the same with our emotions. The only reason we are having fearful, doubtful or confused thoughts about anything is because we have conflicts going on between our natural expansion of wellbeing and our belief systems.

This is how you can start moving past engaging your ‘blender brain’ and start opening up to Infinite Intelligence.

First of all stop doing the things in your life which are keeping your separated from yourself and are not allowing you to create a healthy relationship with you.

The truth is we can’t partner anything or anyone healthily in life until we have mastered how to partner ourself.

Partnering yourself means being intimately in connection with yourself. It means working on yourself.

Turn off the TV, walk away from the computer, stop texting or having to visit people and do activities to stay distracted from yourself. Go somewhere quiet with yourself instead.

Having a journal and a pen with you is a wonderful idea, because it really helps you access your inner self.

Feel into the confusion and the pain. Now here is the challenge – don’t think about it in outer terms such as “He did this, or she did that. How dare that happen etc.”

You need to understand this is the beta part of your brain which keeps you separated from yourself, energises your pain body, creates you as a victim and disempowers you every time.

Your ego loves creating belief systems and chemical addictions which not only keep you in pain – but also keep attracting the identical pain into your life.

This is also the ego’s way of refusing to be real or vulnerable. The ego loves denying pain, pretending it is not in pain and employs all sorts of defence mechanisms to hide it.

The ego is the classic ‘bully’ screaming with pain on the inside and pretending to be tough on the outside. The ego is terrified about admitting to anyone (let alone itself) any vulnerabilities – because it believes it will lose it’s ‘edge’ in life if it does.

Your ego loves to stay separated – separated from your inner being, separated from true intimacy and connection and ultimately separating from connection to the Wellbeing and Wisdom of life.

It is the total illusion of separation (because at subatomic level everything and everyone is connected) which causes the greatest human emotional agony in life.

Separation being the very opposite to Who We Really Are.

Maybe you realise now – your ego is the REAL narcissist.

So…

To get connected to Infinite Intelligence, and access emotional peace, solutions and direction in your life – chop your head off and put it under your arm. Stop looking to the outside and using the critical brain which loves to judge, uses false belief systems from the past to make decisions now, and has to categorise everything as ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

Egos have very little space for grey matter, bigger pictures or true holistic intelligence.

When you feel into the emotional pain (not the story – that is completely irrelevant) ask yourself “Why is this hurting? What is it within myself which is the real reason for this pain?”

By doing so and stilling your mind and being receptive to the answer you will start getting some amazing insights.

And guidance…

And solutions…

As well as incredible peace…

You will also start to clearly and deeply understand how that ‘outer event’ or ‘limited thought’ you just had causing you to feel stuck is a pattern. It is a limited belief which you have been playing out for a long time.

You will also get a sense of your own true power.

Which is ‘all of this’ (your life) is being created from within you.

You will then understand that when you change your perceptions and beliefs about yourself, and let go of the painful events of the past that your world will change beyond description.

Now you are evolving.

Now you are tapping into and becoming the Infinite Intelligence that you really are.

Now you are getting unstuck.

I hope you enjoyed this article.

Please share any questions and comments you may have in the comments below.

 

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69 thoughts on “What To Do When You Feel Emotionally Stuck

  1. How incredible true and helpful this article is. After surviving 15 years in a relationship with a textbook Narc and finally leaving late last year, I had six months on my own (thinking I was doing just fine, thank you very much) before literally falling into another relationship that was based on instant chemistry and physical attraction, which was incredibly addictive and painful in the same measure, and where I felt like I did not know which way was up. I broke it off after 5 or 6 weeks because I could not stand the emotional roller coaster ride and the reminder of how much pain can be involved when you fall too hard, too fast. Since then I have been driving myself crazy trying to obsessively analyse and somehow make rational sense of what has happened and why. Needless to say, and as you have pointed out so clearly, looking for an explanation feels like being a hamster on a treadmill, not going anywhere but somehow needing to constantly move along in a great big hurry, hoping to finally arrive at something, anything. I am completely shocked at what has happened, and just when I thought I was doing quite well and had moved on. This article has shown me a better way to deal with it, and hopefully it will get me some relief. I have done your program, but may need to revisit. Thank you for all your articles, books and programs, you are one of the most generous people I know.

    1. Hi Brigette,

      I am so glad this article is granting you some hope for solution…

      Totally – totally stop obsessing and go somewhere quiet, where you know you will have an hour or two undisturbed and go within and write what is at the bottom of the painful and obsessive feelings.

      It is really common to think ‘you are there’ and then life comes along and shows you that you are not…

      That’s okay, and its great you got out sooner rather than later – because I am assuming in this instant relationship (which is never healthy no matter how ‘romantic’ it may seem)you experienced painful situations that were not a match for real, authentic love…

      It’s great you listened to that…

      Now you can reflect and go within to find the belief systems that still remained unhealed after your last recovery.

      This relationship is showing you (perfectly) what is still left to heal.

      So yes – absolutely when you have some answers in your journal you can go to the NARP Modules again and clear.

      You will also steer clear of love-bombing next time, and lay some really healthy boundaries to develop the relationship and its foundations healthily next time.

      Thank you for you wonderfully honest post – I am sure there are many people in the community who can relate!

      Mel xo

  2. Hi Mel

    It is 12am and I can’t sleep. I jumped out of bed and questioned myself “what is wrong with me” why can’t I move forward, why is the story still playing in my head over and over! Truly I am having a difficult time. I bought the Narp program, read all the ebooks and did the forgiveness exercise. I thought I forgave him but when I say him at work lets just say I say red. I realized at this moment that looking to see when he is off so I can have peace at work is looking on the outside of me. Probably y can’t sleep I know he is there tomorrow. I can feel pep-tide running through my body right now and often. I know much more work is needed on me and I pray in time it will come. The common belief systems u listed above, I fall into everyone of them and more. I find myself talking to myself yelling at myself to stop it, stop the thinking about it! It is enough to drive u crazy! I want to heal. I realized I have never known joy, peace and love within myself. Life has always been a struggle, and never knew why. Mel I thank you for this article and all the information you have passed on to help others. I am grateful. My eyes have been opened to reading and understanding the laws of the universe. I understand the saying more clearly “your ego gets in the way” Peace and blessings to you.

    1. Hi Melody,

      Yes – what you are describing is a great example of ‘blender brain’.

      Given half a chance the ego LOVES to self-annihilate…tell us how defective, pathetic, wrong, useless etc etc etc we are!!

      And we give our ego EVERY chance to self-annihilate IF we go for logical thought (obsession) rather than just get vulnerable, emotionally authentic and real with ourselves and go to a QFH Module, feel, embrace and shift the pain.

      Self-annihilation is the hefty price to pay for emotional self-avoidance.

      And of course there are many other BIG prices – not evolving, not healing painful belief systems, and continuing to live out the same patterns unconsciously over and over again…

      And if you have past life beliefs – then re-emerging physically with the same energetic patterns, and repeating it all over again!

      Melody because you have NARP – this is your straightforward answer.

      ASAP get out your Modules, your tissue box, pen and paper, make time and go within. And WAY more important than reading the eBooks or even doing the forgiveness exercise is working the QFH Modules. That is where the true power to ‘shift’ is.

      Find out EXACTLY what is going on inside Melody which is hurting her so much, keeping her hooked and causing her so much pain.

      Because when you work directly with that then ‘the inner you’ will rise up and out of the predicament, heal and detach.

      Then narcissistic abuse and everything he represents (False Love) will no longer be your reality.

      Why?

      Because YOU have just become TRUE LOVE to yourself.

      I hope this helps – so… NO MORE blender brain and get healing!!

      Deal?

      Mel xo

    2. Hi, I really hope that since then you have healed and or are still on your journey. I have the blender brain as well and probably a lot more other things that I am working on. I didn’t even know there was such a term until I came across this article. I was sitting here trying to write a song, a friend sent me a beat I think yesterday and said “I know you’ll kill this!!”, she made it herself. So yes, I am listening to it today and trying to come up with the words about how I feel. I find it difficult to do this whenever I sit down and try to write a song. My easy fix is to write around it most times. Like I know how I feel if someone were to say it back to me and so I write it as such. But it is always surface; no matter what. I told my therapist through tears a few weeks ago that I am always thinking and worried and confused. I am always questioning myself, my actions and even sometimes my feelings. This is due to a relationship I had with my mother and her willingness to gas-light me every time she felt a need to defensively attack. Anyways, I started journaling again on the 24th of October after years of having not. I believe I should connect with my feelings there first before I try to put it in a whole song. I literally don’t know how I feel most times and it pains me so much I burst out in tears. I found this article, actually, by stopping my writing process to this song and looking up “What to do when you feel emotionally stranded”. I’ve always felt on my own when it came to my feelings like I was left to deal with them myself when other people had been the ones to hurt them and as a result, I’d leave myself with those feelings as well. Never to deal with them, but more so like a “here do something with that” and me doing something with it eventually and usually turned into me distracting myself and doing nothing at all. Actually, it can date back too, in the 8th grade I wrote a poem about putting things under the rug so much until it was no longer unnoticeable and held a big bulge in the middle. Here it is and I believe we’ve finally met.

  3. Wow, Melanie!!!! It is amazing how many times I have opened an e-mail from you with the exact insights I needed to help me know that I am not alone in feeling stuck in patterns that I KNOW I need to break, and make progress toward breaking, only to stumble again and again and again!! I can relate to feeling really good about progress, and then somehow, before I have much time to enmesh the good feelings, something (I guess this is simply ME!) manages to go in reverse and sabotage the efforts. Perhaps the comfort of old patterns and the “just not good enough” tapes from childhood, with new CD versions from my narc soon-to-be ex-husband also playing…interfere. I know that I ALLOW this to happen and need to tap into my full power in order to put a stop to the SELF-ABUSE I inflict! It must be, as what you have confirmed (correct me if I have misunderstood, please), that my subconscious is applying the EMOTIONs, for which I have no buffer when stress is high and circumstances are particularly challenging. So, when others offer suggestions that are quite logical, and agreeable to me, even if I feel committed to, and actually work hard with suggestions to change, I am unable to explain to anyone how or why the repetitive pattern continues -at least not in a way that makes sense to most people. When, after some positive change, my repetition of an ingrained pattern of forgetfulness and lateness seems to creep back, I have a hard time overcoming the feelings of confusion and sadness that make the “blender brain” perpetuate the cycle of starting to get off the hamster wheel only to get back on it as it spins even faster! One question that I have is related to ADD / ADHD in the equation of a person trying to heal from narcissistic abuse. Is it possible that the condition of ADD (for which I take medicine…take some for anxiety too)results from growing up in a family with a narc father and the emotional turmoil, OR “blender brain” that was probably in effect most of my life? I also feel like this lifelong work toward learning lessons and growing put me in the position for the same Emotional / brain strain with my narc husband. Now that we are separated for a year and a half, despite couples and individual counseling, he exhibits primarily the same behaviors, and then shows some of the things- albeit briefly – that I fell in love with. I do, on rare occasion feel weak and think “well maybe..”, and quickly come to my senses. The sadness, the loss, the grief and guilt associated with “messing up” the family that my young children want back…I know that your time is precious and know this is a bit long and perhaps not well flowing. Thanks for providing a place to vent for those of us who are looking forward to finding the light as we continue growing through this journey as you have!

    1. Hi Nancy,

      Truly it is the normal human version of ‘life’ to slip and move forward and then slip and move forward after going through traumatic and life-changing events.

      The real reason for this is because we start going to our minds or ‘the outside’ for our relief to emotional pain (the defunct inner belief systems in opposition to the flow of wellbeing).

      The ‘sabotage’ you are describing is your ego – it is a painbody which creates and feeds of pain…After being abused we already have a significant peptide addiction to pain – and the ego is not going to want to give up that addiction lightly…

      Ok – here is the deal…Please DON’T activate your ‘full power’ to stop doing this…

      That is simply ‘the mind’ trying to win and beat the emotional rollercoaster. That is how you will simply beat yourself up , be hard on yourself and give yourself a hard time.

      Something like the critical parent voice “Just snap out of it Nancy! Stop being SO stupid!”

      The whole point here is you have to start LOVING yourself. What this means is GO to the emotion, lovingly, openly..and address it.

      Can you imagine your inner child? Because little Nancy is inside you feeling really scared, vulnerable, unloveable, ‘wrong’ and ignored and it is HER who has developed false beliefs (fearful ones) about herself and life.

      She needs your help. She needs YOU to go to her. (No-one else)…

      This is not about avoiding getting stressed so that you can’t affectively ignore the painful twinge of false belief systems.

      Many people think it is about controlling their life so much that they can ignore inner pain…

      That is a disastrous pressure cooker waiting to happen – as well as NO way out of the repeat disappointing life events which match false belief systems.

      Therefore NO! What is necessary is realising there is inner pain (false beliefs) and doing something about them.

      The repetive patterns continue (and always will) because you are not healing your belief systems – you are not doing the inner work.

      You could have logical therapy and suggestions from people in your life for a lifetime and these inner belief systems will not change – because they can’t be contacted and addressed ‘from the outside’.

      Ok – in reagrd to ADD, absolutely through working with emotional charges (fearful beliefs) and releasing them this slows the mind down a lot.

      I have seen very positive results wth people on NARP and as personal clients with ADD diagnoses…I always believe the ‘physical’ is only a manifestation of the emotional – and when we become a New Self on the inside our body and all its components rearrange to match this new self.

      I have seen that happen too many times to not believe it 100%.

      In regard to the sadness, grief, guilt etc…that is also inner shift work. From what you are writing I can assume you are not as yet working with NARP.

      Module 3 addresses your last paragraph specifically…It is all about shifting those belief systems in regard to not forgiving yourself.

      You are so welcome re the place to vent – however I did not provide this place for venting – I provided it to show people there are REAL healing solutions and move them into those – and then they do not have to continue venting!…THAT is my mission!

      Mel xo

  4. Thanks Mel for another timely article. You always manage to explain the process of reclaiming our true selves in such a clear simplistic fashion. My inward journey is vital for this search for the true me. Sorting through and discarding all the unnecessary emotional baggage/addictions/habits/belief systems is a process that is imperative in this reclaimation. You have reminded me once again to keep on track-I know eventually all will fall into place-in the mean time I am enjoying the process,(at long last)-I feel brave enough to truely trust my inner knowing. Thank you once again for sharing your insight-your work is a tool I intergrate with my overall healing in coming back to ME-it is a wonderfull asset.

    I look forward to our continual growth:)
    Lots of love,

    Jane

    1. Hi Jane,

      you are welcome…

      Totally correct Jane – liberation is about losing the parts that do not serve us – and then the beautiful jewel underneath the junk emerges!

      How gorgeous to have cleared so much that you trust your inner being – that is a huge and wonderful position to be in…

      I so look forward to our glorious co-creations too Jane!

      Much love back

      Mel xo

  5. Hi Melanie,
    I can’t believe this article has arrived this morning of all days. I kept myself awake last night worrying about how I have managed to let my NARC back into my life despite going through hell to get away from him a year ago.

    I truly felt defeated until I read your article. I purchased NARP sometime ago and it helped me leave him. I thought it would be ok once I got away but he just wouldn’t give up on me. He still takes over my life and is my “main event”.I have slipped back into doing exactly what he wants while my inner voice is screaming in protest. What I would like to know is how do I get to the stage of holding no contact and getting him out of my psyche? I think my confusion comes from being unsure whether I can survive without him (I am so unsure how I really feel). Which module would you recommend to work on this?

    Rach xo

    1. Hi Rach,

      Yes that can feel awful when you have sucuumbed and then everything is screaming at you ‘danger, danger’…

      Ok you need to find what it is within YOU which is still susceptible to being hooked…

      When you find that chink, and release it, then you will close that ‘hole’ that still exists.

      I can’t tell you what that ‘hole’ within you will be – because I am not you.

      What I can do is suggest you sit down with a pen and paper, really drop into the vulnerability / the fear / the insecurity that allowed you to let him back in – and you will start getting your answer as to WHAT it is that you need to shift.

      You really just need a strating point – because MORE will be revealed as you work the healing shifts. When you lift ‘what you found’ then there may be (and will be) more that will present that is underneath that.

      When you get your strating point you will know which healing it relates to.

      Let me know how you go.

      Mel xo

  6. I used to take lots of migraine pills but i always wondered, why is it so chaotic in my brain, why does like have to hurt so much…No sleep, no ride or trip seemed to help…. My testimony is that since i started going inward February 2013, i have not taken ibuprofen for my headaches except for other pain in other parts of body that the physician is working with me on…!!!!Am praising!!! I have a long way to go, as the pain always visits but at least now am playing NARP and doing all i can to shift pain…I cant tell you how RELIEVED I am to finally know what AILED ME ALL THESE YEAR!!!

    Deep down i feel the small child within me, she is young and needs a lot of love. She is broken and needs love, support, nurture, then i Know she will be quiet and not whimpering, sad and alone so help me God, now that i Know and have the tools provided by someone who is Candid, someone who never Gave in but embraced it all and grew!!!

    Thank you Melanie God bless

    1. Hi Rachel,

      That is wonderful that you are able to shift the beliefs (causes) under the symptoms now.

      Absolutely now your inner child will be able to heal and get well – and that is exactly what happens when we go to our inner children and love them dearly.

      Mel xo

  7. Last night I was talking to a friend about another Narc encounter with my soon to be ex, I had truly hit another brick wall and was feeling the pain. This morning your email has brought me hope again, it is almost as if you knew what had happened last night. The feelings of I can’t do this anymore, let him just do what he wants because I don’t have the strength were running through my brain. My main problem is the emotional drain of consistently re-inforcing boundaries. When he realised that these boundaries were enabling me to create a peaceful home, he took it one step further last night and is now sending my children across the boundaries. I didn’t realise just how low the narc is prepared to go to win. My compassion for my children argues with honour for myself and my boundaries. Sometimes I feel like giving-in, but I know that I have to push through and your email has given me hope. Thanks Mel

    1. Hi Emma,

      I am so pleased you feel you can rise again.

      Truly when you find the answers and the shifts on the inside this is truly the most powerful way to have a powerful effect on the outside.

      You can do this!

      Mel xo

    2. I can completely relate to this. It’s like as soon as you achieve one level of boundary they see you are too comfortable. Which makes them UNcomfortable. So the stakes become higher in order to beat you down again…in order to make themselves feel better.

  8. I am enjoying doing the quanta freedom course because It has given me alot of hope because I have noticed how effective it has been.It’s difficult to measure my progress as I reach the last couple of modules but the deeper stuck patterns are definitely biting me on the ass.I am finding that I am stuck and part of me does not want to shift, I have read about this in a paper on pre oedipal psychopathology, I think it is called the peter pan syndrome where part of you stays in nascent form in fantasy or in the magical world and there is just too much of an overwhelming urge to stay there. The vanishing twin syndrome reinforces that or is a recapitulation.You can see all this in my astrological natal chart too, I have really good male energy from the sun and mars but my sun forms an opposition to neptune and my mars is part of a grand cross, so that means that I just have to do some work on integration inorder to access the positive qualities from the sun and mars.

    1. Hi Andrew,

      you have been doing such a great job of working on yourself 🙂

      Many people are finding very deep programs right now to shift – it certainly does seem like a time of very, very deep inner programs can be accessed – which is wonderful if we are prepared to transform!

      Keep integrating – you are doing a wonderful and really courageous job!

      Mel xo

  9. Exactly what I need now, as I have been feeling quite stuck with my healing and have no energy to do the NARP at the moment. I find myself at times feeling quite flat and it is difficult to keep up with my art. It’s called ‘blank canvas syndrome’ when it comes to feeling a creativity block. I want to start some study too, but can’t find the energy or the enthusiasm for that either.
    I do believe it is just a time where after all that has happened in my life over the last two years, leaving my relationship, moving three times, settling in to my new environment, having yet another birthday yesterday, and the fact a close friend of 12 years forgot my birthday, caused some disquiet in me, which is unusual as I don’t have expectations in life, and if I do it is rare. People blame winter and the cold for ‘their moods’ and lack of motivation. I tend to embrace winter as a time to get moving ready for new growth in Spring.
    I will read this article again and I do know the answers are within me and I know ‘this too will pass’.

    Thanks Mel, timely once again. xx

    1. Hi Jac,

      3 very, very powerful full moons of late – with HUGE astronomical significance…

      So much is evolving / shifting and that may be why you feel exhausted too – because you DO do a lot of work on yourself.

      This may just be a breather time of integration where things feel like they are ‘on hold’ but really they are settling in.

      You have had an enormous amount going on Jac, it has been a massive 2 years for you.

      I’m sorry about your close friend, however there will be some explanation – and of course it is always an opportunity to let something else go…

      Happy Birthday to you Jac!

      Some loving self-nurture I think is key for you now – and then you will be able to keep shifting soon – when the time is right.

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Jac. I too am a creative person in the arts. I find when I am least inspired…as it comes from deep within…that a huge internal change is brewing. It is like all your creative energies are focused elsewhere. When in the midst of change I cannot pour myself out on paper or canvas. However if you simply just pick up the brush or pen and start from where you feel it is amazing what can come from darkness. I have done some of my best work during those times.

  10. Hello Mel,

    I am truly appreciative of your work it has helped me a lot. I realised of late i wasn’t sleeping properly i would wake up at 2a.m have thoughts of the narcs in my life victim thoughts at that. I havent accessed quantum freedom healing because im in uganda part of east africa. So what i do i try to stick to the present moment as much as i can to focus 100 % there while keeping the mind still. After reading your blogs about Narcs, i was shocked to discover that my dad, sister,brother,best friend,all my ex boyfriends, former roommate,co-workers,my bosses,my sisters husbands,the institution i worked in were all narcissistic. Its like i was a walking vibration attraction site for narcissism. At first i didnt believe that my best friend was a narc because we used to communicate often so i tested her by not replying her message that was in early may and upto now i have not heard from her….im shocked. I would say 80% of the guy friends i had were actually narcs. I am going to work hard on my inside vibration which i think is the soul…. so that i can be a healthy vibration for myself.Thank God bless. I also noticed that during all those times i was sad, i was infact being narcissistically abused meaning if establish those boundaried i’ll have peace. I thank for showing me how serious my vibration and the unhealed parts are. Thank you.

    1. Hi Amanda,

      Do you have a restriction in being able to access NARP because of where you live?

      This is great you are working on – being in the moment…it is powerful.

      Wonderful you wish to work on boundaries, honouring you and your vibration – that is what Self Love truly is.

      Thank you for your post and keep dedicating to you.

      Mel xo

  11. Hi there. I have a techie questin re NARP. I went to enroll but noticed
    my snail mail aka home address is mandatory. Is something going to be mailed to my house? I dont nned my narc questioning me at this point as I am still living with him. Please advise. And thanks for all you do!!

    1. Hi Raeanne,

      for technical reason when ordering and using a credit card you need to provide an address, but nothing is posted to you.

      NARP comes as links to your computer for immediate download.

      You are very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  12. It is so interesting how you just get it right on the button, Melanie.

    I’m up to Module 7 and feel I have made significant progress. But then this week I TOTALLY bottomed out….cried for 2 days straight, such incredibly deep emotion, much of which I couldn’t even put a name to. Just buckets of tears (interestingly, I felt a sense of cleansing in these teary times).

    The emotions were brought on by a myriad of triggers (concerning my ex) within a few days, and sent me into a state of panic anticipating seeing my ex-N and his soon-to-be wife.

    I went to 3 events in the last few days where I feared I would run into him (and HER). I have tried to talk myself out of the emotions, of the panic, of the incredible fear of how I will respond emotionally to seeing them. Still, I couldn’t relax. It did not work!

    I know I cannot avoid this inevitable event (seeing them), and this article has given me incentive to stop trying to “talk myself through” this anticipatory panic, and to get to work on loving my scared, freaked-out “little self” and getting to the bottom of the pain.

    Man, this is a lot of work! I really appreciate those who post their successes…. I need the hope that they inspire!! And Melanie, you are the queen of encouragement. Bless you for telling us the truth and for challenging and cheering us on to NOT GIVE UP.

    Thank you!!!!

  13. P.S. I stopped taking antidepressants as of 2 weeks ago. Do you think this is part of why my emotions seem to be so intense? The feelings this week are NOT depression, just very, very deep “somethings” that, again, I can’t even pin-point (except the obvious rejection of being so quickly replaced, but soooo much more than that).

    1. Hello Patti. Just thought that I would share my experience with anti-depressants here. Perhaps it might relate to your experience. A long time ago now, after the birth of my daughter, and after separating from her N father, I went into therapy in a hospital and that experience lasted for 6 intense years. I was under a psychiatrist at that hospital for 13 years and during that time, I worked very hard to heal a lot of childhood trauma that came to light because of my N partner. It was a very challenging and harrowing, yet rich time because bit by bit I learned about my inner child and caring for her, and went back into the source of all the painful feelings inside me; there were so many. At one stage of my healing work, I had to deal with the sexual abuse from my grandfather and I had flashbacks, nightmares and very intense feelings that I did not know what to do with. At that point my doctor prescribed anti-depressants for me. He explained that this was to ‘rest’ my brain so that I could gather the internal resources to deal with the feelings that the abuse had brought up in me. It put a lid on the feelings so that their intensity wouldn’t destroy me at the time. Sometimes the trauma is so severe, that to deal with all the feelings straight away, would be too much to handle. The other positive thing, is that these feelings do not emerge within a person until there is enough ego strength to handle them. Interestingly, it was after I had dealt with a lot of other feelings and towards the end of my therapy, that the abuse feelings emerged. After 6 – 9 months, my doctor started weaning me off the anti-depressants and with the help of a lot of good therapists in the hospital, I was able to finally resolve and heal those feelings. They have not come back. It is very important to have support for yourself because once you come off the anti-depressants, the full force of the underlying feelings that the anti-depressants were suppressing, will now come up for resolution and healing. Hope this might help. All the best and take very good care of you while these intense feelings are present. One other thing that my doctor told me and which I hung onto during that very dark time was this. He said that if I stayed with the darkness and stayed with the feelings, they would change. Some of them took a while to shift (no energy healing, kinesiologist or QFH at that time), but they all did and now, I have never had the depression again and never had a need for anti-depressants again.

      1. Thank you for your encouragement. How kind of you to share your story, and I am so happy for you! Sometimes, I still feel hopeless (that I will ALWAYS struggle with these triggers), but hearing testimonies like yours makes me believe that I will make it too.

        God bless you, Suzanne, and may you continue to experience deeper and deeper healing every day.

        1. Thank you Patti. Be encouraged. If you are determined and committed to your healing; and the commitment part is critical, you will eventually get there. If you are persistent and stay with all the feelings that emerge and avoid as many distractions as you can, you will heal. The triggers will get less and less if you deal with them at their source, Every time you experience pain, it is tempting to think that the person or situation that caused the pain to emerge, is the cause. This is generally not true. The pain is already within and the person or thing that caused the pain to emerge is simply the gift given to you so that you can heal. Once you heal that pain it is out and gone and all that will be left is a memory. If you can, get the Quantum Freedom Healing programme and work it. If you can do this then you can root out the pain at its source and get it out of you since it is energetic and will not shift through positive thinking and affirmations. These are great, but you must get the pain out at its energetic source. If you read Mel’s work on peptide addiction, you will see why you have to remove this pain energetically. There is a lot of support on this site for all people wanting to heal from N abuse and we have all been there and want to heal.

  14. Hi Mel. Think things are moving along nicely now. No pain and staying close to myself. I went for a visit to my kinesiologist this morning and was so pleased because I am at a stage of development where I am accessing my crown chakra. That is what my muscle testing indicated. The balance this morning was about being more connected to universal intelligence and staying in the present moment. There was nothing about connection missing anywhere within me so that was a relief. I am committing to doing a lot more meditation since that is where the work needs to go now. More and more I am understanding that everything is created from who I am on an energy level and nothing can be created from the ego.So think that my inner work is finally achieving the results I hoped for. I am in the process of becoming someone new that I have not known up until now. Very exciting!

    1. Hi Suzanne,

      how lovely that you are getting such wonderful results and reports!

      That is SO true that maditation is very important and SO helpful to really connect and nestle into our Inner Being…It is so beneficial in dissolving the ego out!

      So true ego is the ultimate self-sabatoeur – there is nothing of value through our ego.

      It is SO exciting to become a totally cellularly New Person!

      Yay!

      Mel xo

  15. I can only add thanks Mel for the very prescient article.
    You know how I have been and I look at that me now and it seems funny. EVERYTHING you write about here was me but the inner peace I feel now is incredible. However, its not like it comes over you and that’s it – that’s when you stop working the program. I maintain myself every day with various modalities and I can sense exactly in my body when I slip. Interestingly I naturally dont drink wine every night anymore – not from choice, I just dont think about the distraction.
    So grateful for changing science and how we heal now – for me it has really worked after sooooo long searching xx

    1. Hi TJ,

      You are so welcome!

      That is SO beautiful that you feeling such a glorious inner peace…I know where you came from – and this is an incredible testament to the inner work you have done to get to this place.

      You make a VERY important point. You are so right – ‘Self’ is a daily practice if we are serious about serving life and ourselves healthily.

      For myself, yoga, meditation and any necessary QFH shifts are a daily practice without exception…and that will never change regardless of what direction my life ever took.

      It’s lifesyle…because I wish my inner Truth and Joy to be the best it can be. My Inner Being is my highest priority in life, because everything else flows from there…and, as with all of us – Our OWN happiness and alignment is an inside job!

      I am sooo happy for you TJ!

      Woohoo!

      Mel xo

  16. Thanks for this article Melanie. I completely experienced “blender brain” – both while I was with my ex and afterward. While together, I was TOTALLY vexed about what the correct course of action was to take – leave or stay? I knew I was in pain and did not feel that how I was being treated was right. I kept trying however to mentally/logically rationalize her behavior and excuses to me and my head was spinning about what the correct action was to take – plus there was the ticking clock of an fiance visa which put additional pressure on. I felt like I was losing my mind. Then when I decided to break off the relationship, I was ABSOLUTELY tortured for SO LONG with guilt over whether it was the right decision or not – again, LOSING MY MIND!!!…

    I have a question for you Melanie – if one looks at life with the belief that life is mirroring back to us, that which we are, how to reconcile when one goes through such a soul-splitting experience with a NARC? How was it that “I” (this person and relationship showing me) was controlling, manipulative, hateful, critical, demanding, and selfish?!?!?! I don’t understand how this correlates – because I gave SO MUCH to this individual – financially, emotionally, mentally – I never had been so supportive on so many levels to another person as well as committed, loyal, trustworthy, etc…I just don’t know what to make of the idea of “life” and this person/situation being a mirror to me…I DO CONSTANT MENTAL GYMNASTICS over this – feeling like if I could understand this, I could really move forward confidently and peacefully in my life…

    1. Hi Tony,

      lets simplify this…

      You did not attract and have a narc in your life because you are a pathological, maliscious being with zero integrity and accountability.

      You were the ‘other’ side of the coin. A co-dependent with HIGH integrity – a person who (like a narc) believed that someone outside you was responsible for your lovability and wellbeing and emotional security in life.

      You were NOT (like all of us) a solid source of self-love, self-acceptance and self-approval.

      THAT is another DIRECT match to the narc.

      If you were you would have loved and honoured yourself enough to leave REGARDLESS of who the other person was abusing you..and REGARDLESS of what ‘future’ you thought you were going to have with this person.

      My latest blogs are ALL about this – and if you look back through archives earlier this year you will see many more – especially the one ‘Why was I narcissistically abused?”

      Your relief Tony is not going to come through some logical deduction. Blender brain will turn that into a a stew of doubt and needing ‘more answers’. Your mind can’t heal or address inner emotional wounds – it can only keep them going.

      Your true relief would come from finding, facing and healing the co-dependent parts of you which attracted and maintained a relationship with a narcissist.

      Which means facing previous unhealed wounds which you were carrying well before the narcissist turned up in your life.

      The healing of unfinished business…

      Mel xo

      I hope this hleps.

      Mel xo

  17. Hi Melanie
    Thank you for such wonderful articles. They are enlightening the community.
    I have few questions. For sometime now, I have started doing journal exercise when I get triggered. I start writing my thoughts and then try to go deeper. Then a string of events from my life gets connected. I keep going backwards into my life. I feel the emotions and I sometimes cry.
    But when I reach back into my early childhood,I feel very intense emotions and sometimes I get numb. It gets difficult to breathe bcoz I am crying too much.
    I was wondering if this is the normal course to release your emotions and is it happening the right way??

    1. Hi Karen,

      you are very welcome.

      Are you working with QFH in NARP? Because QFH grants you the ability to release these painful emotions out of your body – so that you receive great relief as well as the shifting out of painful belief systems.

      Journalling certain assists in bringing awareness, and loosening a belief system that has a hold on us – but it is another thing to ‘let it go’. You can visualise breathing it out – surrendering it off – or cry and belt it out in pillows. However energetic shifting – such as QFH or kinesiology is much more powerful.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  18. Hi I just want to express my gratitude, it’s all so true what you write in your articles. Sorry for my English, it’s not my first language… Though I’m rather young (22) I have met a narcissist, but ofc I had no idea at that time. I was lucky because he showed me his true nature pretty early. He claimed I was his “love at the first sight”, there was a chemistry between us – I have never felt anything alike before, he really seemed to be a great guy, but somebody told me he had one-night stands. It turned out to be true, luckily my self esteem was high enough to let him go (how a normal guy can sleep with other girls while being ‘in love’? I can understand – well, at least it’s logical – when it happens later eg. after some years of boring relationship, but how come so early?)He was an American, I’m from Europe, so I just hid myself from him (it was a really early stage, infatuation, so he did not know much about me [and somehow he already loved me, how weird is that?])I asked the universe, what’s wrong with him and guess what – I got the answer – I just came across an article on narcissism! Serendipity. Grandiose feelings, narcissistic rage, all so true. Then I started to read more on and believe in the law of attraction (I remembered that since I’m quite pretty I’ve always feared being treated by guys only as a sex object, which thanks to my N I almost became). Unfortunately I still seem to miss the chemistry. After one year. But I realise it’s toxic. It’s really hard at times… However, the law of attraction works perfectly – I really wanted to see 3 concerts in my country and guess what – I won the tickets, 3 times! But I know I need to keep working on myself to stay truly connected with my True Self in order to be able to love a normal guy who will not love me from our first meeting (btw-do you know maybe if ‘love’ at the first sight is always so toxic? My dad has many narcissistic traits, so maybe my childhood shaped my brain patterns so that I will always feel a great chemistry towards narcissists? My highschool ‘love’ was narcissistic as well I think) I am really grateful for your articles and that life decided to give me this lesson so early while I’m still young. I even started to consider creating my own website on the topic in my mother tongue (the first article I found was in English, but ofc I prefer to read in my native language so I was browsing the internet and I found a statement in my language that “narcissism can be cured by love”, so I guess the awareness in my country is still on a really low level [thank God I speak English]), but for now it would be like opening the wounds again, I just want to live my life, win other tickets, go to music concerts and finally visit NYC – my big dream – I apllied for a youth conference and I will now on 1.07, so keep your fingers crossed if you can:) Many, many thanks:)

  19. “Can you imagine your inner child? Because little Nancy is inside you feeling really scared, vulnerable, unloveable, ‘wrong’ and ignored and it is HER who has developed false beliefs (fearful ones) about herself and life.”

    I have been working with a Self Parenting process for almost a year where I do Inner Conversations for 30 mins every day. The process is reading aloud, “Dear Inner Child, Good Morning to you. I as your inner parent want to spend the next 30 mins with you to get to know you better. Knowing you and learning more about you is very important to me. If you and I can learn to communicate more openly, understand each other more completely, we will both be happier. I am going to ask you questions about things you know and believe, so I can learn more about your personality, feelings and opinion. My goal is to listen to you as best I can without judging or criticizing what you tell me. I really do want to get to know you and your viewpoints better. I also would like you to know that as i am trying my best to listen without judging or criticizing I know that I will probably make some mistakes. Since I know this, I apologize right now in advance. As soon as I become aware that I am not listening to you objectively, I will apologize again and go back to listening to your answers as best I can. Thank you for your cooperation. The one who wants to know you best.”

    Then writing in a notebook with a a line down the center of the page. Inner Parent says aloud and writes at same time”inner child is there anything you would like to talk about?” on right. ON left, Inner Child responds in writing, not aloud.

    The practice instructs Inner Parent’s only response to be, “Thank you Inner Child for telling me that.” As inner childs wounding is that it was never heard,our authentic experience was never seen, we learned to never “see what we see, feel what we feel.”
    Adults (our logical mind) always tried to make it go away, etc.

    And these two parts of ourselves do not work together for our Soul functionally. The practice is also said to integrate the right and left brain, so that we learn to think and feel.

    I have found that I needed my logical brain to understand what was happening in the dynamics of the relationship. ‘Blender brain’ is exactly what happens when the results of a defunct belief system affect us and we try to work out logically what on earth the emotional pain is about.”

    If I had not applied some logic to receiving the psychoeducation you provide about narcissistic/codependent relationship patterns, I would not have had an understanding of the work to be done. I think my mind would have kept emotionally seeking relief until I could say logically, “This is what I brought into the relationship, this is what he brought. This is what we were doing.” For me, that was a necessary part of the shift.

    ” this ever does is separate us from getting in contact with the belief system – let alone having the ability to release it and change it.” It gave me a framework, an understanding of what was going on.

    Now what I am wondering though is how to listen to my inner child and respect and allow her to share what she feels without it becoming

    “….thinking about the emotional pain ALL we do is go over and over ’the story’, create more stress (high range beta-brain wave and adrenaline and cortisol), and reinforce the painful belief system by creating more associated peptide manufacture.

    By going over the story with no resolution (we have no control over anything that isn’t ourself) we have just reinforced the negative belief’s power over us.”

    I feel this is Complex PTSD emotional flashbacks that happen and I feel I don’t have the skill to interrupt them yet. SO, I am not really functioning….no work because of this and waiting to “fix” it so I can have a shift and not feel like I am “disabled” dealing with PTSD…

    How do I guide shifting the pain that is very real for my inner child without it being more abuse to her? Without it being an adult coming in and bossing the place around, knowing it all, when I have been taught by the Self Parenting that all she needs to heal is to be heard “Thank you inner child for telling me that.”

    THis process of getting a user friendly relationship between my rational mind (adult) and feeling self (Inner child) without causing more damage requires skill. When I am too agressive with my feeling self, there seems to be an immediate shut down and I completely get that without that energy on board there is a huge part of me “stuck”, resisting whatever my rational mind is suggesting.

    I continue to appreciate what you share and would love to hear your experience from the time you first began embracing your wounded inner child and how you created enough safety with her, if you also experienced her being too terrified, too hopeless to believe anything was possible, but hanging on for dear life. And if we “go to her” now, how we go about it if that is the case.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. Am too finding meditation to be a great way to experience the GRACE that this whole learning takes place in. It feels like it takes so much time though I am feeling some fear…my children need me to be doing better now..including my own inner child who is scared all the time, because I am not working, have no income and then blame myself..”It’s all your fault. It’s YOUR belief systems causing this..you could fix it, change it if you wanted to. You just don’t want to You’re lazy” and on.

    Change is not happening in a way that is meeting needs. Understanding, yes. When I meditate, I accept the learning here, my “karmic situation” and when I feel about it without a larger view it can become emotional flashbacks. Maybe it’s true there is only suffering and refuge from suffering….maybe this idea that I can control it, that I am causing it is bigger than I think…? It hurts more when I feel like the fact that there is not change is my FAULT, too. My inner child howls in pain….

    Thank you for sharing your journey.

    1. Hi Soul Here,

      In regard to really working with healing our inner child – it is about removing the charges of past pain.

      If we are simply going over and over the story and we are not getting the pain out of our cellular body – then we are stuck in repeat and peptide addiction.

      This is especially true with abuse – because the pain / charge / damage is so high.

      This is why I advocate people who are stuck in pain and repeat to get onto NARP – so that they do have the cellular tool to remove pain – and make space for better thoughts / feelings.

      Also the belief systems which are creating the pain are released as well. Which means an END to the pain.

      This is what gets our inner child out of trauma – and out of survival and into creation.

      Any tool that works cellularly on the subconscious such as EFT, kinesiology – QFH etc. is the answer.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  20. I find myself conflicted…after 7 years of what seems to be exactly what to describe as narsasistic abuse. I recognize where I played a role in the sence of enabling the behavior by staying so long and just blindly forgiving and but taking the time to communicate about what really happened and why. He cheated, he posted pictures of me online, he constantly lied, at times was physically abusive but yet “the bond” I felt and the feeling of “I know the inner person is in there and is crying to just come out and will someday” kept me wanting to wait for that happy ending. We have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter and partly because I just wanted to end the obvious cycle that was continuing; I want to protect her from that life and learn what true love and happiness is. Truth is I can’t say I’ve ever experienced that. Now that I’m gone (9 weeks) on my own for the 1st time ever in my life I do feel empowered and I do feel I am learning so much. I analyze things so much and him being so apologetic, taking responsibility, seeking help, understanding he needs to work on his innerself makes me more sad and partially angry because it took me leaving for him to do this. It could very well be a short lived manipulation technique or “the time” he does make change for himself. Here I am talkin about him when I should be focusing on my healing and I can’t seem to get passed all the pain and really be happy within myself, just being me, and being by myself without any comfort. I see how my ego comes out and I put up this front like I’m so strong and I know what I’m doing and I made the right choice and I should never move backwards when really deep inside when alone and not keeping my self occupied, I’m falling apart.

    1. Hi Carolann,

      yes what you are going through is very hard, and it is raw and early. It is great that thus far you are staying strong and retaining your boundaries – and if he is narcissist – then the remorse will be short lived.

      From the description of his behaviour – he is a narcissist.

      Are you doing the deep cellular work on you? – because that is where you will get the strongest shifts, relief and supprt.

      Mel xo

      1. I’m trying… I don’t have Internet at my house (using the I phone) so I’m not sure how to really begin. I see a therapist weekly but it seems to be talking about how I feel not actually fixing the issues…everytime I get very emotional I take the time to really think about the real reason and it comes down to being alone (lonely) and being a single parent sharing and not having anyone to give me love and attention. I don’t seem content with myself. I mean I enjoy short periods of time to myself to watch a TV show or get something done and enjoy spending time doing an activity but those times where I’m really left to my own thoughts I break down and can’t figure out how to change the behavioral thinking.

  21. “There is nothing you can lose that is worth having and there is nothing you really are that can be taken away from you” really resonated giving me a clearer picture of who I am.
    Definitely one for..the back of the toilet door lol..just kidding..but it is going in my favourite quotes book!

  22. This article is pretty profound and I need a little time to read it over again. For now, I think I understand:
    -don’t stay in story as it just strengthens a chemical addiction in your brain that keeps us all stuck
    – don;t distract yourself with activities or being busy
    -be quiet with yourself and just be and let youself feel the emotional pain- this is the access to your healing

    Melanie I have 2 questions:
    -a friend told me that to deal with PTSD (all of a sudden having a memory of the NPDs behavior and in remembering this you feel panic-y)- that this is like a PTSD response- she said to distract yourself (she is not a doctor but in her business has some PTSD clients- she does not treat them but due to her job many clients have it)
    I thought distracting the self was a good idea- it sounds like rom what you have written- don;t do that- but the opposite- BE with the feeling, as it arises and when you st aside time to allow it to arise, thus healing the feeling- therefore the PTSD symptoms should subside in doing this right?

    second question:
    you wrote above:
    When you feel into the emotional pain (not the story – that is completely irrelevant) ask yourself “Why is this hurting? What is it within myself which is the real reason for this pain?”
    ***when you ask why you are hurting- does this not then take you back to the why- which is the story which caused the emotional pain (so going back to story)- I am sure this is what you are saying NOT to do
    or- in asking why do I feel this- is the question you are wanting us to get to something you wrote about in an earier blog- that in stillness, the answers are in the IDENTITY message we made up of ourselves-
    so first comes event/story
    we feel emotional pain
    to hal this:
    be still and feel it
    listen to the message of the identity message we formed
    and in peace, we realize the identity message we formed as a result of the NPD is NOT REAL and NOT THE TRuth

    hope my questions make sense!!

    Thank you!!

    1. Hi NPD Thoughts,

      Yes you are definetely on the right track…

      The whole idea about being present with yourself regularly without distractions is to actually ‘know’ who you ARE – which is your emotional present vibration.

      Most people are so distracted by the outside worls – who they present to the world and who they really are – are miles apart – simply because they do not Know Thyself.

      If we don’t know ourself then 95% of our life is controlled by the uncosncious programs of our subconscious playing out automatically that we have no idea exist (or are ignoring).

      If we don’t look at our painful inner programs then there is no way to release them. Ignoring them does not mean they will go away on their own…they don’t.

      Because if we are stuck within those painful emotions – we are emotionally addicted and within that emotional addiction we do not have access to more aware, evolved ways of being.

      It is only be releasing the emotional hold and freeing up energy that we do.

      Ok re first question – no ignoring is not the answer (as above)…the answer is going into the fearful programs and releasing the painful emotion charge.

      Then memories (triggers)will simply be ‘memories’ that no longer hold emotional power over you.

      This is so much more than just being with the emotion (which can work but does take a great deal of effort and time)…because if you utilise an energetic tool that can release painful energy from your subconscious then certain painful charges can be released and done with within minutes.

      This is why tools like QFH and EFT and kinesiology fast tarck this process powerfully and effectively.

      The ‘why’ it is hurting is not the story of “He said awful things to me, then left me and I was left waiting for him to call me for three days. Then he came back etc. etc. etc.”…THAT is an example of the story… THAT is simply analysis which leads to emotional paralysis.

      THIS is awareness: When he did that I felt unloveable, abandoned, powerless, shattered. THESE are the emotions I have connected with ‘what happened’.

      Then it is those emotions which need to be targeted and released.

      The truth is these emotions are ‘old’ – they already existed way before this ‘guy’ did what he did.

      They were an already existing subconscious program which was something like – ‘People who love me abandon me”…’Love equals heartbreak”…’People who love me let me down’ etc etc…

      It is the actual programs that are causing the pain and continuing to attract such people in to this person’s love experience.

      When the emotion is released from the body – so are the programs associated with it.

      So therefore if we were to ask the question “How do we change a subconscious belief?” the answer is “Release the emotions connmected to it”.

      I hope this clarifies.

      Mel xo

  23. Thank you so much! Yes it does. But like how I am stuck in analyzing, I am now analyzing your answer ha ha 🙂 I have work to do. I am grateful for your time and blogs!! 🙂

    1. Hi NPD thoughts,

      it is so much easier to just go to the ’emotion’ and stay out of ‘payalysis through analysis’..

      Truly 🙂

      Mel xo

  24. I have a lot of work to do. I am stuck in pain and have truble letting go of it because it causes fear of major life chnages. It is hard to let go of old patterns and ways. Harder yet to face the depth of hurt within. It’s dark in there!

  25. Hello Melanie and all! I just wanted to thank Melanie and everyone else here for your positive energy! It’s wonderful that so many of us are feeling the flow and allowing self-alignment so intuitively.

  26. I spent most of last night unable to sleep. I kept beating myself up for contacting my ex-Narc. He had been texting me and phoning me quite a bit and I had been doing no contact since our split a month ago when he moved out and took a lot of my stuff with him whilst I was in hospital.

    The only reason I contacted him was to ask him to take our big dog as I cannot care for the dog at the moment. And of course, when he replied, he wanted this and that, etc. I just text him back and basically pointed out how immature he is and how he could have done things amicably.

    I am at a loss to understand how these people tick – I just cannot fathom it.

    I text him that I did not need to see or speak with him but just wanted to drop the dog off at an agreed destination but unfortunately, I went into a bit of rant (which made sense and was true) but he wouldn’t see it that way.

    I am soooooo angry with myself for doing it. As Raeanne says in her post above that it is hard to face the depth of hurt within – especially when you really loved this person and totally believed that they loved you and then finding out that you had been living a lie for 10 years, not to mention finding out the lies and half truths you had been fed all that time.

  27. Ah yes… I feel the exact same way. I too was fed lies and half truths. I was reading Melanie’s suggestions tonight about going into the depth of the pain. I realize my pain is about rejection. My soul and heart was rejected while he also wanted to keep up appearances to his old friends by having me pretend all is still well. It is hard to fathom someone can be so selfish and then blame you for the issue! I am still angry but I see now that all this anger of mine is merely a bandaid to cover the pain. And this issue of being rejected in heart is my issue…not his to fix. Because he doesnt care and never has or he wouldnt have done and said all those nasty things. Plus there is absoltely no point trying to explain myself to him…or lecture him on his behavior or past treatment of me. It is useless and angers him because he cannot understand. Its simply not in him. So I dont bother engaging his lack of depth or clarity. When you engage a dysfuntional person…do not expect funtionality in return. Its like math. Two plus two equals four no matter how many times someone else says its three! And remember the fairy tale about the Emperor who wore no clothes? He had the village convinced he did out of fear for their lives. It took a little boy to speak the truth. These narcs try to smoke screen people using whatever tactic works. But remember the facts and know you cannot change them.

    1. Thanks for that Raeanne. I do so agree with everything you said above about engaging with a dysfunctional person. I feel like I am drowning in it as my mother is a narc as well. I suppose that’s why I got involved with a narc in the first place. I was aware from the start that all wasn’t quite right with my ex but I chose to ignore the warning signs. I went into the relationship with my “eyes wide shut”. He text me at midnight telling me “stop doing my head in”, “let me go”, “ok, you win” and “I’m so sad”. He should have thought of that earlier, but narcs simply don’t think outside of themselves. He left while I spent a month in hospital, due to a motorbike accident caused by him, taking quite a lot of my stuff with him, then called the cops on ME. When a relationship gets this bad, there is NO resurrecting it.

  28. Oh my..he has shown himself in so many ways! Bad ones! Dont answer the texts. Do Melanie’s no contact. Change your cell number. Take your dog to a no kill shelter. For me the hardest part of change is letting go of old ways and dreams. Dreams of what was supposed to be or who I thought my narc was. Everything changed! So as a dear friend of mine said “be the change”. I gave up trying to analyse the whys or figure other people out. I need to know me first and that is where healing seems to start.

  29. Thank you to you and your readers for their posts. I came across your site when I was desperately looking to understand how to overcome another pattern of self sabotage as my response and relationship to a co-worker was identical to my ex-husband. This is a work relationship but she is clearly a narcissist and needs to blame me so she can look awesome. She is very skilled at all the same traits. I recognized it but some home I still could not keep a healthy boundary between us emotionally. Especially me. I knew it was me and wanted desperately to learn to live above this pattern. Now that I found your suggestions – I will be working on living on higher ground. I do believe she was placed here so that I could learn this lesson in a less dramatic, intimate relationship that would diminish me any further. Believe it or not I feel blessed – the risk is minimal and the rewards are high. When I read your posts at 4 am with my blender brain going – it was like pulling the plug on the blender. My ego had been caught in the act. I could sleep knowing that there was a solution, I wasn’t going crazy, there are others out there experiencing the same, and there is an answer in sight. I can reclaim my happiness. I had lost faith in the idea that I could thrive instead of survive. I look forward to my day with this new knowledge.

  30. Raeanne, your comment “be the change” is wonderful. Now I refer to that every time I think of him and what could have been. The what could have been is the hardest to deal with.

  31. Thank you Mel for these blogs..inspiring! It has been 3 months since NC with my narc. I feel more at peace and happy the further away I get from my last contact with him. His birthday is this week, but I will remain nc. My questions is..I just walked away after receiving an email from him..appearing to be his wonderful self again. I never answered the email. I continue to strive to be the best person I am, despite how he nearly broke my spirit and self esteem…my question is should I have arranged a time to have a conversation with him that we not even be friends, or is it ok FOR ME that I simply don’t respond because by not responding, it speaks volumes. I heard from one of his coworkers that he’s treating all the guys who work for him the same way he’s been treating me…abusive and rude..then othertimes chatty and happy. I’m afraid if I try to contact him, and he’s nasty, it’s going to open up the wounds all over again. I would love your insight! Thank you Mel!

    1. Hi Gina Marie,

      you are so welcome.

      Absolutely No Contact means not responding in any fashion. If you do, it just gives him an opportunity to hoover, devalue or discard – whatever he thinks will hook you the most.

      I also highly recommend blocking all his means of contact, so that you can heal, exorcise him out of your system and start creating your healthy narc free life.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  32. I love this article, actually the whole site itself. I thought there is no way that I can never be completely healed. But reading this, I learned a lot.

  33. I love this article, actually the whole site itself. I thought there is no way that I can never be completely healed. But reading this, I learned a lot. Thanks a lot

  34. This is so very true! I’m a Buddhist, so I know the importance of letting go of this heavy traffic in the mind and just being. Being in the present moment, away from distractions and too much intense activity – mental or physical that often seems like running away, running in circles, running just to run. Many times in my life I experienced being “in-tune” with the world, with everything, all energy and that was usually when I was alone. Somewhere close to Nature, or maybe while doing some painting, gardening or cooking. This state is total peace, bliss and creates enormous trust in life as a co-creating force. I remember once I was in this “overactive brain” phase and I went to a Botanical Garden for a walk. I sat next to a pond and just started meditating. I noticed some dragonflies flying around and I thought to myself “they are so beautiful!” 5 minutes later a big, copper coloured dragonfly sat on my hand, then flew away, then came back to sit on my hand. I rarely felt peace that was more complete and full of warm, glowing happiness.

  35. I’m sorry…i agree that is what I am doing but the solution presented seems ridiculous to me. Tired of this think positive, be some spiritual being and life will pop out like a rabbit from a hat.

    I mean, here I sit, 37, n dad is next room, trapped here because I got sick ten years ago with physical things and now am waiting on disability to deny me again…i have to do so much to do that and have fifty three cents to my name and wont even get an answer to that till next year..

    Find it hard to be this person of inner peace when all life has done is crap on me and yes from my logical brain he caused it. He abused me, he made my self esteem low, he left me and my sick mom, dumped my dogs…now he is a scared special snow flake but still treats me like dirt and I still walk on eggshells because it is this or the streets.

    And yes, I know the emotion begind the pain. I wanted love, I wanted a father. I wanted to be a part of something.

    Just cannot see how this would work for me, wish it could, can’t even go back to therapy because no money and on Medicaid you might as well forget about proper mental care.

    I’m sorry to be so neg and I’m happy you guys doin solace in this but it seemed bot only vauge when it came to the solutions (while the diagnosis was ling, why do these self help sites always do that?), but not very well explained and from my mind set, which I know is wrong, it seems like a bunch of hooey…plus why do I have to work to fix a mess I never made.

    I’m sorry to be like that, I really am. Probably will never know if there is a reply to this anyway and have no money for systems, books or help, so guess I suffer…good luck to you all, you win.

    1. That was an excellent response over two months ago, really shows how ppl care, prob cause I mentioned not being able to buy anything huh?

  36. Thank you for this article. I am a 49 years young woman who is still under the contol of her parents. I am confused if I am really exaggerating things because I feel them so deep. I was beaten by my dad as a child and was severely emotionally abused by them both. They are very wealthy, and do love me. They are just controlling and its their way or the highway. Because of everything monetary they have helped me with I feel powerless. I know I shouldn’t have accepted their financial help, bbut now I am in a situation I feel trapped in and feel I am in my childhood all over again. I am confused. Ist this trapped feeling all in my head? I feel that its the fact Inever stood up for myself and still feel intimidated that this is where my anger originates from. I really have intense hate for them because they know my situaion and know i have been suicidal for 7 years because I hate where I live, they own half my house and won’t agree to sell. they told me, learn to be happy.

    I feel so depressed that I am not functioning at all. I refuse to work at a min. wage and that is all I find here. I seem unthankful and ungrateful. The fact is, if I lived in a different city on my own with no emotional triggers from my past, namely the abusive people, I would flip burgers at burger king and be proud. Why won’t I work because I am not financially dependent on my paarents who I hate, but I am so mad inside that I refuse to do anything and am no functioning right now. People say, why not take anti depressants? Why should I? My depression is situatoinal. I can not function around my aggressive family. They are nice to me until I speak up then they get intimdating…like yelling, slamming, things…and making me fearful again like I was as a child. I feel doomed for life.

  37. This is incredible and so, SO helpful. Thank you so much for putting all of this time and effort into writing this article. I am beyond blessed by your investment in this.

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