When I met my ex narcissist I knew within 2 weeks that “something was off.” After being in regular contact for days, all of a sudden he was out of contact, and I had this overwhelming feeling that something was not right.
Then evidence appeared that he was in fact lying to me – but I dismissed it.
My intuition was trying to guide me to safety, but instead I chose not listen, I chose to ignore the messages and rationalise the red flags that were staring me in the face.
Almost everyone that suffers a narcissistic relationship felt like something was off and something wasn’t right but chose not to listen to the message their intuition was telling them.
As you are probably aware, losing faith in your intuition can have horrific repercussions.
In this article I am going to explain how we become disconnected and lose trust in our intuition, and how you can identify this and work on connecting to your internal navigation system that is guiding you on the path to wellbeing and truth that honours not only you but all of life as well.
To understand the dynamic of our intuition – we need to realise that intuition and emotions are extremely connected, and when we are emotionally closed off from ourselves, and focused on gaining ‘data’ from outside of ourself we are not at one with our own intuition.
This can occur in any area of our life.
For example you may have a gut feeling to slow down in the car, dismiss it and around the corner is a police car. You may have a feeling to take a certain item with you when you leave the house, and don’t. Later on you discover you needed it.
A few weeks ago a girlfriend joined me for a walk on the beach, and had a feeling not to stay long. She said nothing about this and we enjoyed a lovely long walk. Then rangers turned up and booked her dog for being after hours on the beach (neither of us were aware of the time curfew).
She kicked herself after for not honouring her intuition.
It may seem logical that we would receive these messages of ‘wellbeing’ in our deepest times of need. Life and Law of Attraction simply does not work like that. You attract everything which is a match to your emotional state. This includes the ‘messages’ which are there to help and assist you. The more you work on getting your emotional vibration sorted the more powerful, clear and ‘real’ intuitive messages become.
The call of your soul – divine guidance – becomes more and more crystal clear the more loving, accepting, clear and clean your own emotional state and connection to yourself becomes.
It is incredible how many people at the beginning of their narcissistic relationship had clear warning signs that there was something not right with this person. Something that was ‘off’ that just did not gel – and there was probably some huge red flags show up very early that were dismissed.
The truth was our intuition was screaming at us – but we rationalised it away. Later when it was too late and we were already enmeshed we then no idea what our intuition was, what had now become ‘our fault’, what was up, down, sideways, real, fictitious or even sane.
It stands to reason that the more and more we got disconnected from ourselves, and the more the pain of narcissistic abuse escalates, the less and less we were aligned with our inner wisdom.
How Co-dependency Disconnects You From Your Intuition
Co-dependency is a focus on the outside of ourself. It is an attempt through trying to fix and control conditions on the outside to feel calm and peaceful on the inside.
Co-dependency as per last week’s article can be closely linked with self-avoidance and / or obsessive / compulsive behaviours. This creates a difficulty to manage, be with and navigate our pain and emotions. It creates a huge difficulty in being with, listening to and trusting ourself.
It makes it feel virtually impossible to take action which would honour and take care of ourself.
The angle of approaching life from the outside in has the ability to be an Effective Creator back the front. The truth is we are always creating life from the inside out – whether we are conscious of this or not.
If we are connected to our inner being we are unfolding with life as our authentic self. We are not looking out into life, reading it intently asking ‘How do I appeal, approach, what do I say do or feign in order to be loved, accepted and worthy?’ We don’t try to read everyone else’s feedback to base our ‘self’ upon.
This is powerless egoic, fearful living, and is a complete disconnection from intuition.
Many people think narcissists are highly intuitive. Being an energy vampire and adept at reading body language to secure and regulate narcissistic supply is not a connection to one’s inner being.
Narcissists are famous for ‘reading their environment’ and acting on it in egoic ways. This translates as extreme fear and umbrage to any perceived slight which threatens the image of the False Self not being as wonderful and as flawless as the narcissist would like it to be. As soon as this narcissistic injury occurs (as per the narcissist’s intense monitoring of ‘the outside’ whilst measuring narcissistic supply) the narcissist will immediately act out sabotage, one-upmanship, tit for tat, projection or pay-back.
None of the narcissist’s actions are coming from infinite connection to inner wisdom (intuition) – it all erupts from fearful and limited egoic intelligence.
If we are connected to our inner being we simply show up as being ourself. We trust ourself, our emotions and what we feel within ourself.
The beautiful thing about intuition is that your infinite inner self (the non-physical Source part of you) works magnificently for the good of all. Your inner self knows how to deliver messages that not only honour you, but honour life. When you are yourself authentically in life, you not only enhance yourself, you benefit everything and ever one else as well.
For example, it would be wonderful personal growth feedback to an abuser if you honoured your intuition and pulled away instead of believing lies and staying attached.
Could you imagine how pathological liars would have to align with truthfulness if everyone in their experience honoured intuition and acted on I’m not taking this any further because I sense you are non-authentic and a relationship with you is not going to be healthy for me?
How We Started to Disconnect From Our Intuition
The disconnection from our intuition started from a very young age.
For example we may have known that there was something wrong in our family – yet our mother and father lied to us – they told us a different version from what was really happening. We knew the truth deep inside of us, yet our parents (our authorities at that age) told us something different and as a result we started to distrust ourself. In fact the data we felt and the ‘reality’ we were told were completely different stories.
So we ‘learnt’ that our gut was wrong.
Additionally if we were not taught to believe in ourself, trust ourself and that our feelings and thoughts were valid or worthy – why would we believe in our inner feelings?
Not being emotionally authentic is disastrous for children and breeds co-dependency horrifically. In fact many psychological studies have uncovered that families that were honest, even if extreme trauma occurred, created much healthier children than when lies prevailed, even when conditions were nowhere near as abusive.
Lying destroys trust not just within all relationships, but within individual’s emotional and mental psyches. Especially when lies are delivered from people believed to be trustworthy (which is what every child naturally instinctively desires as a bond with a parent).
As a parent I can’t urge you enough to be emotionally authentic with your children. Tell them the truth about what is going on for you and how you feel. Allow them to understand that emotions are real, and show them you are able to be vulnerable, sad, mad and upset. Own and take responsibility for your emotions and allow you children to see you do this.
Don’t deny your emotions or blame other people for them. Allow you children to know you are perfectly imperfect and there are things you work on within yourself in order to personally grow, heal and improve. Be humble, real and vulnerable when you make mistakes. Let them know that this is perfectly normal and acceptable to do, and show them that you love and accept yourself at these times.
Don’t lie or cover up your emotions and who you really are with your children, thinking you are protecting them – because you are not.
You could be destroying not only their connection and trust with you – but more profoundly with themself.
Losing a connection to our intuition was the enormous price many of us experienced as children. When children learnt to distrust their inner self, they disconnected from inner wisdom, inner guidance and became more and more reliant on focusing on the outside to survive.
This is what losing one’s self is.
This outer focus creates one of two conditions – co-dependency or narcissism. Both are a condition of disconnection from one’s inner self.
The co-dependent feels unable to be a source to self and clings to people on the outside to provide that and will tolerate being abused whilst ‘clinging’, and the narcissist controls people through pathological manipulation and keeping the upper hand as an attempt to avoid inner powerlessness and worthlessness.
This is why it is so important to operate with emotional authenticity with your children, so that you do empower them to accept and connect to their emotions and trust and deeply partner themself.
Then they will not have to crash and burn as adults (as we have) in order to create a connection back to themselves – they will have inherently established it.
Losing Your Intuition During Narcissistic Abuse
As co-dependents we have a high sense of integrity and conscience and we certainly did not want to do the wrong thing by other people.
Because we are a ‘good people’ it is extremely difficult to fathom a grown adult, who appears so honest and trustworthy, would be capable of pathological lying, or keeping exes on the hook, or sleeping with other people whilst courting us, or telling us and other people what everyone wants to hear so they can fulfil their fantasies of grandiosity.
We cannot fathom how someone could behave like that or do all the other things that narcissists are famous for doing.
So rather than trust our gut ‘something is not adding up here’, our ‘decent’ model of the world kicks in and we can’t even believe that such thoughts could cross our mind.
When the warning signs appear, even if we start getting evidence of what we suspected, and even when other people start supplying evidence about this – we listen to the narcissist’s versions which discredit the other person, and make her or him out to be pathological and warped instead.
We want to believe that this seemingly ‘divine’ person who has appeared in our life is real, and we ignore the fact that where there is smoke there is often fire and even when lies are exposed we buy the excuses for them.
It is only much later down the track when more horrendous, pathological or adulterous behaviour is exposed that we can look back at all the early events and they all add up. The narcissist always was a chameleon, was not to be trusted and never had anyone’s best interests at heart (everyone was simply an object to garnish narcissistic supply from) and our intuition was screaming this at us right from the start.
What we did is simply follow the patterns we learnt at a very young age – which was not to trust our inner voice and to allow the navigation of our life by other authorities outside of us. Especially the ‘authorities’ that we want to trust and love the most. We put the creation of our life in other people’s hands rather than being the authority for this creation ourself.
By dismissing our inner feelings (sometimes massive warning bells) and looking to the outside world for our data we disconnected from ourself and became more and more powerless.
We then lost control of our own emotions and allowed ourselves to be controlled by everyone else’s instead.
Then we fruitlessly held these people responsible for our own emotional state.
We were easily talked out of our feelings. We were able to be set up as ‘paranoid’, ‘wrong to be untrustworthy’ or ‘bad people’ for wanting answers or accountability for what our emotions were telling us which was: ‘I am unsafe, I am being lied to, you are not who you profess to be’…and we stayed hooked trying to prove that we were good people who were worthy of being loved.
Then we felt guilty and ‘bad’ for thinking such things, easily accepted the blame (me being the way I am makes you behave like that) and became incredible confused and blind sighted.
What we didn’t realise is that it is impossible to prove to a narcissist that you are worth loving, when they possess no inner resources to know their own or anyone else’s worthiness.
Our gaps as co-dependents can be played on horrifically. The narcissist knows where you doubt yourself, where you will err towards loyalty for the relationship, how you can easily be made to feel guilty, how you wish to seek approval, and how you will defend you beliefs on integrity and are devastated if suggested it is you doing the pathological, horrendous, maliscious things that the narcissist does.
The narcissist knows how easy it is to talk you out of trusting and backing yourself.
At this point you haven’t connected enough to your own inner resources, or partnered yourself enough to be in the energy statement or knowing that you are worth loving. You need to understand this must emanate from you in order to be reflected back to you from life.
Staying attached to abuse, rather than connecting to your inner state, means that you will receive the results of not knowing and living the truth that you are worth loving. In stark contrast when you do know you are worth loving you will never tolerate pathological or abusive behaviour again.
The truth is if we have not done the inner work on ourself and learnt how to partner with our inner self and with life directly we do not feel connected to our inner navigation system. We do not feel worthy and whole and we are not in our power.
It is interesting how many intuitives and healers get involved with narcissists, and it is amazing how many of these individuals have powerful intuition for other people – amazingly so – yet have such a struggle to trust their own internal guidance for themselves.
This is a classic and complex problem with many sensitive people who are empaths and who give of themselves to others. If they are not in their own emotional power for themselves they are targets for narcissists who are often drawn to take ‘the light’ of these people’s energy simply because narcissist’s have no ability to produce their own good feelings. All of it must come from external sources.
How to Heal and Reconnect to Your Intition
So how do you turn it all around?
You turn it around by creating an authentic relationship with yourself.
You need to understand that when you are full of fear and pain you truly have no idea as to what is real in the moment or not. You turn to your mind and the outside to try to work out the ‘truth’ instead of deeply listening to yourself.
If you are second time around with a narcissist, you may start seeing and most importantly feeling the correlations and the warning signs again, but then dismiss them thinking ‘I am simply paranoid because of what happened last time’…and then even when you start seeing lack of accountability and projections and even horrendous behaviour you may still look for and accept excuses.
This is common if you are not connected to your inner self and if you have allowed yourself to be pulled more and more out of your power.
All of this is letting you know that it is incredibly important to work at your healing journey within. To partner yourself, to love and accept yourself wounds and all. This means knowing yourself, trusting yourself, and becoming a solid source of your own wellbeing.
Then you will know and trust your internal navigation system which is always positioned to grant you emotional feedback about the truth of your life and steer you towards true and healthy experiences.
The experiences that are a match for the inherent wellbeing of your inner self, Source and life.
I’d love to hear your feedback about this article.
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
- Does The Thriver Model Place The Blame On The Victim? - April 24, 2016
- Overcoming Abuse When It’s All You’ve Ever Known – Thriver Show #31 - April 14, 2016
- Why Doesn’t The Narcissist Care About Me – Part 2 - March 26, 2016