Why Did We Ignore The Red Flags Of The Narcissist?

When I met my ex narcissist I knew within 2 weeks that “something was off.” After being in regular contact for days, all of a sudden he was out of contact, and I had this overwhelming feeling that something was not right.

Then evidence appeared that he was in fact lying to me – but I dismissed it.

My intuition was trying to guide me to safety, but instead I chose not listen, I chose to ignore the messages and rationalise the red flags that were staring me in the face.

Sound familiar?

Almost everyone that suffers a narcissistic relationship felt like something was off and something wasn’t right but chose not to listen to the message their intuition was telling them.

As you are probably aware, losing faith in your intuition can have horrific repercussions.

In this article I am going to explain how we become disconnected and lose trust in our intuition, and how you can identify this and work on connecting to your internal navigation system that is guiding you on the path to wellbeing and truth that honours not only you but all of life as well.

To understand the dynamic of our intuition – we need to realise that intuition and emotions are extremely connected, and when we are emotionally closed off from ourselves, and focused on gaining ‘data’ from outside of ourself we are not at one with our own intuition.

This can occur in any area of our life.

For example you may have a gut feeling to slow down in the car, dismiss it and around the corner is a police car. You may have a feeling to take a certain item with you when you leave the house, and don’t. Later on you discover you needed it.

A few weeks ago a girlfriend joined me for a walk on the beach, and had a feeling not to stay long. She said nothing about this and we enjoyed a lovely long walk. Then rangers turned up and booked her dog for being after hours on the beach (neither of us were aware of the time curfew).

She kicked herself after for not honouring her intuition.

It may seem logical that we would receive these messages of ‘wellbeing’ in our deepest times of need. Life and Law of Attraction simply does not work like that. You attract everything which is a match to your emotional state. This includes the ‘messages’ which are there to help and assist you. The more you work on getting your emotional vibration sorted the more powerful, clear and ‘real’ intuitive messages become.

The call of your soul – divine guidance – becomes more and more crystal clear the more loving, accepting, clear and clean your own emotional state and connection to yourself becomes.

It is incredible how many people at the beginning of their narcissistic relationship had clear warning signs that there was something not right with this person. Something that was ‘off’ that just did not gel – and there was probably some huge red flags show up very early that were dismissed.

The truth was our intuition was screaming at us – but we rationalised it away. Later when it was too late and we were already enmeshed we then no idea what our intuition was, what had now become ‘our fault’, what was up, down, sideways, real, fictitious or even sane.

It stands to reason that the more and more we got disconnected from ourselves, and the more the pain of narcissistic abuse escalates, the less and less we were aligned with our inner wisdom.


How Co-dependency Disconnects You From Your Intuition

Co-dependency is a focus on the outside of ourself. It is an attempt through trying to fix and control conditions on the outside to feel calm and peaceful on the inside.

Co-dependency as per last week’s article can be closely linked with self-avoidance and / or obsessive / compulsive behaviours. This creates a difficulty to manage, be with and navigate our pain and emotions. It creates a huge difficulty in being with, listening to and trusting ourself.

It makes it feel virtually impossible to take action which would honour and take care of ourself.

The angle of approaching life from the outside in has the ability to be an Effective Creator back the front. The truth is we are always creating life from the inside out – whether we are conscious of this or not.

If we are connected to our inner being we are unfolding with life as our authentic self. We are not looking out into life, reading it intently asking ‘How do I appeal, approach, what do I say do or feign in order to be loved, accepted and worthy?’ We don’t try to read everyone else’s feedback to base our ‘self’ upon.

This is powerless egoic, fearful living, and is a complete disconnection from intuition.

Many people think narcissists are highly intuitive. Being an energy vampire and adept at reading body language to secure and regulate narcissistic supply is not a connection to one’s inner being.

Narcissists are famous for ‘reading their environment’ and acting on it in egoic ways. This translates as extreme fear and umbrage to any perceived slight which threatens the image of the False Self not being as wonderful and as flawless as the narcissist would like it to be. As soon as this narcissistic injury occurs (as per the narcissist’s intense monitoring of ‘the outside’ whilst measuring narcissistic supply) the narcissist will immediately act out sabotage, one-upmanship, tit for tat, projection or pay-back.

None of the narcissist’s actions are coming from infinite connection to inner wisdom (intuition) – it all erupts from fearful and limited egoic intelligence.

If we are connected to our inner being we simply show up as being ourself. We trust ourself, our emotions and what we feel within ourself.

The beautiful thing about intuition is that your infinite inner self (the non-physical Source part of you) works magnificently for the good of all. Your inner self knows how to deliver messages that not only honour you, but honour life. When you are yourself authentically in life, you not only enhance yourself, you benefit everything and ever one else as well.

For example, it would be wonderful personal growth feedback to an abuser if you honoured your intuition and pulled away instead of believing lies and staying attached.

Could you imagine how pathological liars would have to align with truthfulness if everyone in their experience honoured intuition and acted on I’m not taking this any further because I sense you are non-authentic and a relationship with you is not going to be healthy for me?


How We Started to Disconnect From Our Intuition

The disconnection from our intuition started from a very young age.

For example we may have known that there was something wrong in our family – yet our mother and father lied to us – they told us a different version from what was really happening. We knew the truth deep inside of us, yet our parents (our authorities at that age) told us something different and as a result we started to distrust ourself. In fact the data we felt and the ‘reality’ we were told were completely different stories.

So we ‘learnt’ that our gut was wrong.

Additionally if we were not taught to believe in ourself, trust ourself and that our feelings and thoughts were valid or worthy – why would we believe in our inner feelings?

Not being emotionally authentic is disastrous for children and breeds co-dependency horrifically. In fact many psychological studies have uncovered that families that were honest, even if extreme trauma occurred, created much healthier children than when lies prevailed, even when conditions were nowhere near as abusive.

Lying destroys trust not just within all relationships, but within individual’s emotional and mental psyches. Especially when lies are delivered from people believed to be trustworthy (which is what every child naturally instinctively desires as a bond with a parent).

As a parent I can’t urge you enough to be emotionally authentic with your children. Tell them the truth about what is going on for you and how you feel. Allow them to understand that emotions are real, and show them you are able to be vulnerable, sad, mad and upset. Own and take responsibility for your emotions and allow you children to see you do this.

Don’t deny your emotions or blame other people for them. Allow you children to know you are perfectly imperfect and there are things you work on within yourself in order to personally grow, heal and improve. Be humble, real and vulnerable when you make mistakes. Let them know that this is perfectly normal and acceptable to do, and show them that you love and accept yourself at these times.

Don’t lie or cover up your emotions and who you really are with your children, thinking you are protecting them – because you are not.

You could be destroying not only their connection and trust with you – but more profoundly with themself.

Losing a connection to our intuition was the enormous price many of us experienced as children. When children learnt to distrust their inner self, they disconnected from inner wisdom, inner guidance and became more and more reliant on focusing on the outside to survive.

This is what losing one’s self is.

This outer focus creates one of two conditions – co-dependency or narcissism. Both are a condition of disconnection from one’s inner self.

The co-dependent feels unable to be a source to self and clings to people on the outside to provide that and will tolerate being abused whilst ‘clinging’, and the narcissist controls people through pathological manipulation and keeping the upper hand as an attempt to avoid inner powerlessness and worthlessness.

This is why it is so important to operate with emotional authenticity with your children, so that you do empower them to accept and connect to their emotions and trust and deeply partner themself.

Then they will not have to crash and burn as adults (as we have) in order to create a connection back to themselves – they will have inherently established it.


Losing Your Intuition During Narcissistic Abuse

As co-dependents we have a high sense of integrity and conscience and we certainly did not want to do the wrong thing by other people.

Because we are a ‘good people’ it is extremely difficult to fathom a grown adult, who appears so honest and trustworthy, would be capable of pathological lying, or keeping exes on the hook, or sleeping with other people whilst courting us, or telling us and other people what everyone wants to hear so they can fulfil their fantasies of grandiosity.

We cannot fathom how someone could behave like that or do all the other things that narcissists are famous for doing.

So rather than trust our gut ‘something is not adding up here’, our ‘decent’ model of the world kicks in and we can’t even believe that such thoughts could cross our mind.

When the warning signs appear, even if we start getting evidence of what we suspected, and even when other people start supplying evidence about this – we listen to the narcissist’s versions which discredit the other person, and make her or him out to be pathological and warped instead.

We want to believe that this seemingly ‘divine’ person who has appeared in our life is real, and we ignore the fact that where there is smoke there is often fire and even when lies are exposed we buy the excuses for them.

It is only much later down the track when more horrendous, pathological or adulterous behaviour is exposed that we can look back at all the early events and they all add up. The narcissist always was a chameleon, was not to be trusted and never had anyone’s best interests at heart (everyone was simply an object to garnish narcissistic supply from) and our intuition was screaming this at us right from the start.

What we did is simply follow the patterns we learnt at a very young age – which was not to trust our inner voice and to allow the navigation of our life by other authorities outside of us. Especially the ‘authorities’ that we want to trust and love the most. We put the creation of our life in other people’s hands rather than being the authority for this creation ourself.

By dismissing our inner feelings (sometimes massive warning bells) and looking to the outside world for our data we disconnected from ourself and became more and more powerless.

We then lost control of our own emotions and allowed ourselves to be controlled by everyone else’s instead.

Then we fruitlessly held these people responsible for our own emotional state.

We were easily talked out of our feelings. We were able to be set up as ‘paranoid’, ‘wrong to be untrustworthy’ or ‘bad people’ for wanting answers or accountability for what our emotions were telling us which was: ‘I am unsafe, I am being lied to, you are not who you profess to be’…and we stayed hooked trying to prove that we were good people who were worthy of being loved.

Then we felt guilty and ‘bad’ for thinking such things, easily accepted the blame (me being the way I am makes you behave like that) and became incredible confused and blind sighted.

What we didn’t realise is that it is impossible to prove to a narcissist that you are worth loving, when they possess no inner resources to know their own or anyone else’s worthiness.

Our gaps as co-dependents can be played on horrifically. The narcissist knows where you doubt yourself, where you will err towards loyalty for the relationship, how you can easily be made to feel guilty, how you wish to seek approval, and how you will defend you beliefs on integrity and are devastated if suggested it is you doing the pathological, horrendous, maliscious things that the narcissist does.

The narcissist knows how easy it is to talk you out of trusting and backing yourself.

At this point you haven’t connected enough to your own inner resources, or partnered yourself enough to be in the energy statement or knowing that you are worth loving. You need to understand this must emanate from you in order to be reflected back to you from life.

Staying attached to abuse, rather than connecting to your inner state, means that you will receive the results of not knowing and living the truth that you are worth loving. In stark contrast when you do know you are worth loving you will never tolerate pathological or abusive behaviour again.

The truth is if we have not done the inner work on ourself and learnt how to partner with our inner self and with life directly we do not feel connected to our inner navigation system. We do not feel worthy and whole and we are not in our power.

It is interesting how many intuitives and healers get involved with narcissists, and it is amazing how many of these individuals have powerful intuition for other people – amazingly so – yet have such a struggle to trust their own internal guidance for themselves.

This is a classic and complex problem with many sensitive people who are empaths and who give of themselves to others. If they are not in their own emotional power for themselves they are targets for narcissists who are often drawn to take ‘the light’ of these people’s energy simply because narcissist’s have no ability to produce their own good feelings. All of it must come from external sources.


How to Heal and Reconnect to Your Intition

So how do you turn it all around?

You turn it around by creating an authentic relationship with yourself.

You need to understand that when you are full of fear and pain you truly have no idea as to what is real in the moment or not. You turn to your mind and the outside to try to work out the ‘truth’ instead of deeply listening to yourself.

If you are second time around with a narcissist, you may start seeing and most importantly feeling the correlations and the warning signs again, but then dismiss them thinking ‘I am simply paranoid because of what happened last time’…and then even when you start seeing lack of accountability and projections and even horrendous behaviour you may still look for and accept excuses.

This is common if you are not connected to your inner self and if you have allowed yourself to be pulled more and more out of your power.

All of this is letting you know that it is incredibly important to work at your healing journey within. To partner yourself, to love and accept yourself wounds and all. This means knowing yourself, trusting yourself, and becoming a solid source of your own wellbeing.

Then you will know and trust your internal navigation system which is always positioned to grant you emotional feedback about the truth of your life and steer you towards true and healthy experiences.

The experiences that are a match for the inherent wellbeing of your inner self, Source and life.

I’d love to hear your feedback about this article.



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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

221 thoughts on “Why Did We Ignore The Red Flags Of The Narcissist?

  1. something was wrong….which made him perfect. The first half of my life was about figuring out what I don’t want. Now it is time to start living the life I really want. Blessings to you Mel and to everyone, love and to true intimacy and healing to the core….I wish that for myself and for for everyone here.

    • Hi Ruth,

      It is very powerful to understand that what we don’t want allows us to know what we truly do want – and then align with believing we can create it.

      Absolutely true intimacy, love, healing and an authentic life is the gift of partnering and loving ourself..and the knowing that all of this was so meant to be in order to get there.

      Thank you for your post :)

      Mel xo

      • Dear Melanie
        Have just read your article and the timing could not be better. I have had another massive fall out with my partner. He had slowly belittled me for two and a half years. I doubt all my own feelings about what he has done- I caught him texting another woman and most recently watching porn. I was told that I was immature and that every man did this. I know in my heart that the way he treats me is wrong. Many have been witness but still I go back. I want to escape the inner torment I feel but don’t know how to get the strength to go. I am a shadow of the person I was. Please help

        • I couldnt get out until five years ago, when my house was gutted by fire he showed how completely disinterested he was in me and my needs.Until that point I centred my whole life around him and his needs and suddenly I was literally homeless and he still expected me to be there for him. He even rang me up one night to scream at me that I seemed to think the only thing that was happening in the world was that my house was burned down and that I should be grateful that I was getting my whole house redecorated for free.To tell you the truth it wasnt until quite recently after a lot of time of trying to emotionally disengage,even as “friends” , including about six months of ZERO CONTACT, that he sent me a text message asking me not to cut me out from hislife because he “could use” me as a friend, that I really saw the light. My best suggestion is to :
          1. dont judge yourself, your feelings or reactions;
          2. remember that rejecting him is hurting your feelings more than his (because he REALLY DOESNT HAVE ANY FEELINGS ABOUT YOU!!!
          4. Say yes to all invitations from people – not just men – who suggest going to the movies or havinga coffee. This way youcan observe what non narcs are like, which will strengthen your intuitive feelings that your guy is NOT normal, not nice, not empathic, not caring, no matter how saccharine and charming he might be on occassion(when it suits him)

          you can get through this – you will get thru this, and a wonderful life lies beyond your current mental swamp.

        • Hi Bev,

          Truly the only way I can help is point you toward how to do the inner work – no matter what I ‘say’ and it is all said in every article, over and over and over I can’t get you to shift if you have not been able to create your own ‘shift’.

          Bev my suggestion is always going to be NARP – because that is the inner work that saved myself when nothing else did, and I see the results it creates for others every day – as a powerful inner shift.

          I hope this helps – but truly I know that only you can help you – My part is to grant you the tools to make that happen.

          Mel xo

  2. This article really resounds with me. I have told my friends and family numerous times that I KNEW something was off. But I had been in a loveless relationship prior to meeting the narcissist and I think my support network just wanted me to get out there. They urged me that perhaps he was just nervous, needed to get to know me, vice versa. Of course, my mother said, “What is it, Heather? You just don’t like nice guys?” There was something wrong on our first date when he talked about odd things, asked if I had ever been in love before and then STATED that he thought I would be again (all this while he was sitting cross legged on his couch in his extremely messy apartment while rocking back and forth and looking out of me out of the corner of his eye–not behavior befitting of a person of nearly 40!!). There were many things along the way that gave me a visceral reaction….especially his hypersensitivity. But I always “waived” it away–my MIND always had an excuse. Now…I will be listening to my instincts. Thank you, Melanie–for all that you do!

    • Hi Heather,

      What you have wriiten highlights very powerfully how important it is to listen to ourselves, rather than other people’s opinions – TOTALLY!

      This is wonderful that you realise real answers are not in the ‘stories’ our mind can continually make up – they are deep within our being.

      Mel xo

  3. This is really current for me. I have been thinking about the red flags a lot this week. It’s like I almost want some sort of certainty that I won’t fall for a Narc again. But as I begin to date again, I am unclear of the line between red flags and healthy filtering for an appropriate partner, you know? I might be going too far the other way and finding fault in everyone! LOL. I guess the pendulum needs to swing both ways before coming to rest in the middle, but yeah – I don’t think I have my intuition back yet!

    • I’m with you on this one too. I feel suspicious of everyone I meet now and not just partner material (I’m staying away from that one until I feel like I’ve made inroads with my healing) but anyone across my path. It’s making me look at current acquaintances and being very careful about my boundaries. So I feel a lot less open and less friendly with really only 2 close friends but it’s better than being in these horrific situations…

      • Hi Smita,

        you may benefit from what I have written to Catherine below.

        Yes being closed off is preferrable to being abused – but it is not the true desired goal.

        Also your soul will not wish you to stay there – because it is not Who You Really Are…

        Hence pain will remain until you do heal…and you will take that inner step when you are ready.

        Mel xo

    • Hi Blair,

      what you are feeling is very common confusion….

      The most powerful soultions to all of this are:

      1) Make sure you have worked on yourself to NOT still be vibrating at fear and pain, and

      2) Ensure you are empowered enough to show up authetically in life. This means you will express how you feel if something is ‘off’ and you will back yourself enough to investigate, not kid yourself and easily walk away of necessary. The truth is your gut is always going to give you the truth. If you listen, are prepared to confront and honour it then WHAT can ever happen to you which is bad? It will lead you to what you need to know every time..

      You see this is really only about trusting yourself…

      And then you can be authentic love and integrity in the world safely knowing life will line up ‘more’ open hearted authentic love, kindness and integrity.

      Which can feel really gorgeous, and even exciting!

      Also of course take your time when connecting with a new partner, don’t fall into the love-bombing format…grant the relationship necessary healthy foundations.

      Mel xo

  4. i find myself keeping all the love out, thinking i am keeping myself safe. i am glad i can recognize this pattern, thanks to all these wonderful articles by Mel. I’m just going to sit with this one for a bit, its a big blob of pain, so I amy have to break it down a little at a time

    • Hi Catherine,

      this is always an indication of needing to heal – and that’s okay – that is just where you are at.

      When you start doing the inner work on you – you will be able to start ‘opening up’ again.

      The first step in healing is to open up to yourself, then you will be able to with life and others – but the healing always needs to start within you – between you and you first.

      This happens when you are willing to unconditionally step up (and step in) and be present to love, support and heal your own wounds. It is when you become that loving presence to yourself (where life and others let you down on – hence why so much pain / abuse) – that you will start to heal.

      We cannot trust, love and partner life and others (or receive / accept that authentically back from life and others) until we authentically become that full unconditional Source to ourself.

      Mel xo

  5. Melanie

    It is like you were a fly on the wall of my life for the last 17 years. That is why I am able to stay away from him, and his toxic personality. Always right on time! I can never thank you enough for your work Melanie. I still have bouts of pain, not because I want to be with him, but because of what he did to me. It makes it easier now thatI understand who he really isn’t. I don’t hate him, I feel sorry for him, he has no friends because of his personality, and i think that is one reason why I hung on for so long. Now when people se me they tel me you look great, so refreshed! Thats because I don’t live u nder a nlack cloud anymore!


    • Hi Michelle,

      yes it is uncanny how many of us have experienced the same thing.

      I will say it a thousand times – narcs all say and do the same things!And it is a standout because people who are not personality disordered simply do not act out these specific things!

      Keep working on you and shifting Michelle, and you will break free to more and more freedom and aligning with the truth of your soul – absolutely!

      Mel xo

  6. Great article. Brought to mind the early red flags. We were engaged nine months after meeting. In those nine months, I broke up with him twice because his behavior was unacceptable to me. Each breakup, he love-bombed me relentlously. And I gave into the adoration and attention and so began my life of overlooking his bad behavior. Of dancing around to make sure he was okay. We were married 24 years when I left a year ago and I do not trust my instincts. Don’t think I ever will again. I couldn’t survive going through the devaluing and discarding another time. I feel strong alone and alone I will remain. Your articles help so very much. Thank you.

    • Hi Jane,

      yes I think all of us looking back saw the drama, the issues and sensed the lies…

      Many people also experienced the incredible love-bombing after horrendous behaviour – but of course after prolonged periods of non-accountability first.

      I am glad the articles have helped you get strong and stay strong…

      Truly if you came home to partnering you, you would know and trust yourself – but it takes a commitment to inner work to create it…

      Mel xo

  7. I am currently 3 months out of a 5 year relationship. I saw so many red flags but chose to ignore them always thinking things would get better. My intuition told me to get out and something was not right but I did not want to be alone. I was already destroyed by a failed 20 year marriage to someone who I found with the women he is now married to. I did not want to believe anything like that could ever happen again. I never gave myself enough time to heal and find my true self.I was never strong enough to say goodbye but he finally did for good. I was constantly wondering if we were together as he would often disappear with no communication. I never understood it until now. I am so happy that my friend told be about Mel. I have begun to understand the pattern I got myself into. I finally for the first time in my life am beginning to understand me.I understand that healing the pain from the past and getting healthy myself will be my only hope for a good relationship in the future!Step 1 was the best thing I could have done it made a huge impact on how I feel.I am so grateful to be a part of this program and to finally understand the truth….thanks Mel!

    • Hi Jo,

      you truly do see what played out, and it is fantastic that you are NOT playing victim, and you know how you can empower yourself.

      This is fantastic and very liberating! Wonderful you are doing the NARP Progam, working on yourself and committing to chnaging your pattern.

      From that intention you will come home not just to yourself, but also a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

      Mel xo

  8. Fantastic article Mel… Rings so true for me… When I first met my Narc I didn’t even like him, found him arrogant, rude and didn’t believe him in regards to his ‘incredible, wild, money filled’ lifestyle but he pursued me until I succumbed. I made excuses for him, refused to listen to friends and family who distrusted him. I then fell under his spell and gave him whatever he wanted. I knew he was lying, but when I questioned him he turned it back onto me… Looking back I realised that I was far from happy but couldn’t let go….he then ‘let go of me’ as I was too demanding & too hard to deal with…. It’s been 5 months since I have seen him, however he still txts me on a weekly basis…. I just delete… Apple iPhone doesn’t allow ‘blocking’. His txts range from romantic, anger at me, erotic and just kisses…he made me so dependant upon him that I needed constant affirmations from him…there were Red Flags everywhere (out late, phone out of range or left in mates car, more money than he should have, the smell of perfume on his clothes, excuses abounding) but I ignored them…reading your site has helped me tremendously. I have at last found myself again…. I view people differently now, I listen to my gut feelings now and sad to say have become a little more cautious and protective of ME. I will walk away from anyone who I feel is ‘slightly off’ now, not even give them a reason, just don’t continue contact…. Breaking away and staying away has been one of the hardest things I have done, cause you seem to remember all the good things not the bad….. I have kept some emails from him and when I feel weak I read them, and it makes me strong again. I find I am reading them less and less now…. I now laugh when his txts arrive as I know that he is feeling lonely and unloved….I saw a photo of him recently and was astounded how much he had aged, he is now getting to a point in his life where his dislike of himself is showing through and will not be attractive to any woman…. In some way it is sad as he didn’t choose the road he is going down, he just did not know any different, and as you have said, they are beyond help…. There, by the grace of God go I, as it could’ve been me being a Narc… Thanks once again Mel, you saved my life in so many ways, as things were pretty grim there for a while.. Bless you…. Sam

    • Hi Sam,

      Many of us fell into the trap of going along with narcs that we were not sure about because we were love bombed and ‘gave in’. Our need for approval made us susceptible to this as well as ‘This doesn’t really feel like ‘the one’ but maybe someone better wont present’.

      Choosing to ‘settle’ is disastrous when it happens to be a narc, and the lesson is we NEVER should ‘just settle’.

      And then of course when ‘hooked’ it is far too late to just easily walk away. That is very true how powerful the hooks of dependency are…

      What you will find is that if you get practiced in emotional authenticity (speaking what you feel with everyone) you will not have to close off, and stay shut down – you will be able to be you abundantly in life without fear…and you will easily see people either reflect back to you emotional authenticity or not.

      Because when you are operating at a frequency of total integrity and openess – (speaking about everything that comes up for you honestly) – this is a high vibration that people will either easily meet you at or won’t – and I promise you that can’t be faked by people…In fact false people are very easily exposed at this level – the truth comes out very clearly.

      Yes let go of the connection to his journey – it is his journey and you are not responsible for it…that is between him and life.

      Your responsibility is to partner you, and become authenticity without pain and fear in life – and then life will abundantly shower you with ‘more of you’.

      Mel xo

    • Hey Sam,

      I wish you the best on your journey! I have had to cut a narc out of my life and it has been increadibly difficuly…I couldn’t have done it with continued communication…and I have an Apple Iphone…I was able to block him from contacting me…I don’t know if you have a different carrier, but if you are with Verizon, I would contact them or go to their website, where I found it very easy to block a number from texting and calling.

      Again, I wish you the best. You are strong!!

  9. I HAD RED FLAGS immediately,…but I was RAISED by a narcissist mother, so I dismissed them as “familiarity”…..MY GUT told me on my wedding day, as I was about to walk down the isle, “DONT DO THIS”….and I did say to my Maid of Honor, “I cant do this, this is not right”….and she said “IT IS TOO LATE, you have too”….and I DID the HAVE TOO for 25 years TOO LONG…….I WILL NEVER EVER NOT LISTEN TO MY GUT, ever, and it is NEVER TOO LATE…..!

    • Hi Teri,

      Wow – that is a powerful story!

      This is fantastic that you have decided to truly listen and honour the inner you!

      Correct – it is NEVER too late – our truth can only ever be lined up with in every moment of NOW.

      Mel xo

    • Wow, Terri, your thoughts and words spoken on your wedding day, were exactly the same as the thoughts in my head on mine. I won’t go into detail here about the beginning and middle of my story, or about the extent of the what i now know to be idealising and demonising and emotional abuse, but after 24 years with my husband, in a very intensely close marriage, it has finally recently ended in a very sad, shocking and traumatic way, following his suicide attempt and admission into Hospital/Mental hospital. I was actually relieved that at last he would receive the proper help he needs for his crazy reactions and behaviour during any conflict between us, which, in fact was getting worse, the less forgiving i became, the more I questioned him about it, rejected him and insisted he seek help. However, instead of finally getting an explanation for his dysfunctional destructive and frightening behaviour, or a diagnosis, after sharing everything for 24 years, i was informed by the psychiatrist, that as i had rejected him and told him, couldn’t accept him the way he was and wanted to end the marriage, my husband had given strict instructions that all the mental health staff were not to discuss his diagnosis, treatment or progress with me or anybody outside of the hospital. Thankfully, i never experienced any lies or cheating during our time together. However, despite his intelligence, caring, kindness, attentiveness. loyalty, generosity, and for the most part was almost the perfect husband, treating me like I was the only woman in the world, from day 1, he was never able to have a healthy row or debate with me. He had serious anger issues and although he admitted this and sought help, it didn’t change things very much, and between his begging and pleading for me not to end the marriage, there was a great deal and repeated pattern of angry outbursts due to me rejecting him, followed by lots of genuine tears, distress and serious self harming in front of me, and increasing what i now realise to be emotional abuse and blackmail. After me staying in the marriage for so long, reluctantly accepting intermittent unacceptable behaviour, in the hope that he would seek the appropriate help he needed or rather, when he was going for help, to tell the whole truth about how he feels and his behaviour/reactions during conflict with me, so as to enable him to change or react in a healthier, more civilised way, the ending was shocking. He begged and pleaded with me, and couldn’t live without me one day, attempted suicide, and never came home again. After weeks of inpatient treatment, He informed me in a rage that he was going to give me what I wanted, and he wasn’t coming home, he said he had serious attachment issues and I have to accept that there are some things which I just can’t control and fix. He said he was going to find someone who accepts him for who he is and spend every penny of his 50% share of our joint savings. In a matter of months, he has done exactly that.
      I endured a lot of verbal hatred and abuse and we have had no contact since. I later discovered that he had actually met a female mental health patient in hospital and started a relationship with her, which he is currently still in. This has all been a complete shock to me and extremely confusing. I was his world 1 day and the next day after being suicidal, he has replaced me. I knew nothing about personality disorders until i began searching for some explanation for what I had been dealing with for years and particularly the way in which my marriage ended. Having read lots of information, i am certain that he has Borderline personality disorder. While searching, i came across your website Mel, and for the very first time ever, I read about narcissistic personality disorder. Your story and your work has inspired me so much, while I am totally devastated and a whole lot more. I know, you know very well exactly how I’m feeling right now, and i now know, thanks to you Mel, exactly what i need to do, to get through this. Mel, i know you are extremely busy, but I was wondering, if there is any way that I could send an email directly to you please, concerning some questions and information about your Narp??? Or perhaps you could email me with your address and I shall reply. I am desperate to get started on the programme ASAP. Many thanks to you Mel, and to everybody who posts here. Being a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to modern technology, i wasn’t aware such places existed. Thank you so much!!

  10. Your blog articles always arrive when I need them and their content seems to fit my current experiences perfectly. Intuition & dreams have powerful wisdom for us. I awoke from a dream this morning with a very strong message for me and it made me question a situation which suddenly didn’t feel quite right. Thanks for the timely affirmation to trust our inner wisdom speaking to our conscious minds.

    • Hi Tatiana,

      This is lovely that we are synchronised!

      It truly means that you are aligning and working hard at evolving and healing! This is what being ‘at one’ with life is all about – and it only happens when we are striving to be ‘at one’ with ourself :)

      You are very welcome Tatiana…it’s very nice to be co-creating with you.

      Mel xo

  11. This line, “families that were honest, even if extreme trauma occurred, created much healthier children than when lies prevailed” struck a chord with me and could not be more true.

    When I was with my narc we stayed at his parents’ house one night and I woke up in the middle of the night to find my narc’s brother trying to kill him by choking his neck. (My narc’s brother had a history of drugs and violence – he was a true sociopath.) My body went into complete shock and I stood there frozen while I watched my narc trying to fight for his life. Luckily, his parents ran into the room at that moment and broke them apart. There was a horrendous yelling fight and then my narc lay in bed with sweat and fear trying to catch his breath for hours.

    The next day, it was as if nothing happened. His parents never mentioned it and when I called my narc at work to check up on him he said, “why do you keep checking in on me” and I said, “if my brother tried to kill me last night I would not be okay,” and my narc replied, “stuff like this always happens, just forget about it.” And just like that we all went on with our lives as if it never happened.

    My narc’s parents, although very lovely and nice people, hid all their family problems under a rug and avoided being honest with their children. They ended up with a son that’s a sociopath and a son that’s a narcissist. I am not suggesting this is the reason why, but I do see now how that played a huge role in their unhealthy development.

    Similarly, my parents NEVER showed emotion and acted as if everything was okay when it CLEARLY was not. And I ended up as an extreme co-dependent. This is such a good lesson to learn and I am glad you brought it up.

    In regards to intuition, everything you wrote is bang on and I think everyone will be able to relate on every point. Intuition is the most valuable tool we have if we know how to use it.

    • Hi GA,

      yes it is SO important to realise the healing power of truth – hence why the expression – ‘the truth sets everyone free’ – untruth is the most destructive force on this planet.

      This is why it is so important to connect to the truth of ourself, Source and oneness..and all of that comes from ‘within’ first and foremost.

      Thank you GA again for your great post :)

      Mel xo

    • This is uncanny. My husband’s family is exactly like this, instead of having psychopathic son, they have a psychopathic daughter. I have witnessed countless physical and verbal abuses by the daughter towards the parents, but the next day, she would declare undying love for them. At first I thought it was really weird but no one else in the family thought it was unacceptable. Now I realised that the whole family is really dysfunctional, including the man I married for the past 30 years. I am learning more and more and trying to work out a way to recover.

  12. I would like to add something to the point of showing true emotions and learning how to deal with them in our FOO.

    My parents never seemed to have a problem showing their emotions… ha! In their own way that is. My father yelled (and his voice was booming) so it was scary for me as a child and throughout my young adulthood even. And although I knew some of the things that would set him off, I didn’t know what sort of mood he’d come home in. So I walked on eggshells.

    My mother showed anger toward my father with cold silence. With us kids she’d yell too, but she wasn’t too scary. I just hated her to be angry. I would always feel sad when she got angry.

    I learned from this environment that my behavior could “control” someone else’s reactions and even moods. (I know not really but it becomes so obvious how the codependence can start).

    I was always ‘gauging’ my father.

    It could be confusing though because he could also be very loving and affectionate.
    He definitely had narcissistic traits and I wonder if he actually had BPD.

    Anyway it was us kids who weren’t allowed to show our emotions if they were of the unpleasant kind. Anger was met with anger. They would get angry BECAUSE I WAS ANGRY.

    I remember with the ex, he would do this. It never made sense. And he told me once that everyone does that. Well I beg to differ. If someone approaches me with something I did or said or whatever, and they are angry over it, as long as they aren’t abusive about it, I apologize. I don’t get angry because they are angry.

    After reading this, I wonder even more now if my sister isn’t narcissistic. She gets mad at any expressed emotion that isn’t anything other than joy or “justified” sadness. Like it was “OK” that I was sad about my dad’s passing, for example.

    In my last attempt at discussing my feelings about something that went on between us she turned it completely around on me with blame and finger pointing. Then proceeded to change the subject bringing up things that had nothing to do with what I originally started talking about and then also accused me of doing the very things she does.

    She never apologizes, seems very self-righteous in her opinions and if you disagree with her she gets very heated. And one kicker is that I’ve talked to her about things she’s disagreed with me on one day and then when she talks about that very same subject either with me or in a group of people, she’ll say what I said as if it was her opinion all along and never acknowledge that she came to another conclusion after our discussion and now agrees with me. It’s really strange.

    I totally relate to this and completely agree. When you’re so busy worrying about other people’s thoughts, feelings and reactions it’s impossible to really be honest with self. You’re always in the defensive. Not conducive to authenticity at all.

    • In addition not only is it difficult to be honest with myself, although it’s getting easier. I mean I know the truth. I know what’s real. It’s just that I’m in such protective mode that I don’t dare say what’s real out loud.

      So it’s impossible to be authentic when you’re afraid of someone.

      • Hi Luann,

        truly if you can’t be authentic lovingly and directly – and you know you are doing this from a space of authenticty rather than projected fear – then know these people are not a part of your authentic journey.

        But there will be many others who will conjoin you in life who are able to vibrate at emotional authenticity…In fact they will be called up into this space simply by you being you.

        Remember to be true to you – because you can only attract your vibration as life possibilities.

        Mel xo

    • Hi Luann,

      yes your parents expressed emotions – but they did not take ownership for emotions – and they did not mirror how to state emotions in a way that created self-responsibility – they were projected at others.

      When people do not master their emotions, it is because they have not learnt how to love and accept themselves unconditionally – which means the good, bad and ugly parts – and hence why their emotions are always ‘someone else’s fault’ rather than accepted as a trigger from their own unhealed wounds.

      And they certainly don’t do the inner journey to confront, embrace or heal these wounds. Hence why the same triggers keep exploding as uncontrolled emotions and acts over and over again. The cycle never stops.

      Then they have no ability to accept or guide anyone else with their emotions either.

      What they find unacceptable in themselves is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable in others. Hence I’ll project my unhealed wounds on to you – and that then hurts you – and how dare YOU get angry about that!!

      It’s all a vicious, toxic cycle.

      Yes people with reverence can apologise – personality disordered people can’t be accountable because the fragile False Self takes huge umbrage at being classified as ‘imperfect’. This feels like total annihilation to an individual who is living life exclusively through a False Self.

      Very, very true – our life is always about our emotional and authentic relationship with ourself – how aligned we are or are not with aligning with and ‘feeling’ the life we want to live.

      People can only get into our vibration and mess with it if we take on their emotional relationship with themself and make it about our life – which it isn’t.

      Thank you for your great post!

      Mel xo

      • Hi Mel-
        Thanks for the response. You summed it up nicely with, “It’s all a vicious, toxic cycle.”

        It’s tougher with family too. I would like to distance myself and am working toward that. But it’s different than a significant other relationship. I’m sure everyone knows that and how, so I won’t go into it.

        But I do feel like I’m manipulating the situation of distancing since I don’t even feel safe enough to tell certain family members what I need.

        So when I go into a situation where they are, I become someone else, in that I don’t verbalize certain things that I would otherwise do if I was hanging out with someone I didn’t have to fear.

        It’s gotten physical (she’s physically attacked me in the past) by the way with sissy, so I feel I have to be super careful. I put on a suit of armor and I hate that I need to be that way to keep myself safe.

        But there are still some things that we need to wrap up as a family and I feel the need to be there for it…both for safety purposes and a sense of obligation, which I’m not really a believer in either (obligation that is).

        Anyway, it’s big time eggshells and having to manipulate (being fake, watching what I say, keeping certain things to myself) feels awful but feels necessary.

        That’s what I meant above about being honest with myself. When I’m not completely honest with others, even if it’s for my own true safety, it feels like I’m lying to myself too.

  13. It took fourteen days quite exactly, before I sensed something was not as good as I had thought it was with that relationship, and I am astonished to read an article about it; knowing that actually someone else has experienced the same as me.

    It belongs to my story that I did not listen to my own inner voice, but did as I had been taught by my parents and surroundings in the past; tell that voice it was most probably wrong, and told myself that “I am so in love, I just want to try this relationship abit longer, I can always break up with him, if there show to be a real reason for this inner knowing”.

    Today, 12 years later; after 6 years in relationship with him and 6 new years in agony and pain, confusion and lately, with psychological breakdown and diagnosed with CPTSD with disturbed personality; today I know that I should have listened to myself, because it was my chance to get away undamaged. I did not get any more chances to get away, because I quickly ended up being controlled and very subtly abused by that man and sort of “eaten up” by the relationship. I did gave him all of my love, and was luckily awake enough to actually recognize it, that moment when my inner voice said to me that “if you do not leave now, you will go under; be destroyed.” So then I did leave, that same day.
    And it seems I will survive this. Though I was so close to dying, and the most difficult and painful, have been the years after I left.

    I eventually left the whole community, his home village, and today I scare going back, because I am so ashamed of having allowing myself going through that experience. I am after all responsible for my own life, and who I seemed to be for the community there(and especially for the friends of my ex), is so incredibly far from who I really am.I was not true, I became more and more like a thing, not a human being. And after having left, I was turning more into a human wreck, not able to function in society. Adding to it; my ex spread bad/untrue rumours about me both when we were together and after I left him. And he several times, within a range of I think 4,5 years, tried to make me relate to him again by calling me and trying to hook me into being controlled again. When he eventually figured I was not controllable anymore, he let go of me, to my both relief and sorrow. I will always feel love for him, and it is incredibly painful to have bonded so thoroughly through so many years, just to learn that your love is not capable to relate to other people in a healthy way whatsoever; and that he is actually damaging to be around.

    This is a lesson I have payed so much for, and that I will have to suffer from for the rest of my life, to a degree. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MYSELF.

    • Hi NMSD,

      Oh yes – that flawed premice “I’ll be okay – I can hang in there just a bit longer – and I can quit later on if necessary!”

      Sounds spookily like how we can rationalise addictions / obsessions!

      Keep healing NMSD. You have been doing a fantastic job – and know that truly – as hard as it seems to accept – you were meant to go through ALL of this – and now you have and the past is done.

      You know that to be true :)

      Now you are focused on healing and liberating you – and that is beautiful…and every day you are getting closer and closer to real authentic love for yourself and life…

      And life awaits this version of you – gloriously.

      Bless you :)

      Mel xo

      • Yes- you are right; I have not seen it like addiction aymptoms before. It actually is.
        He was my heroine- suddently I understand more. His presence made me feel safe and loved, and I was willing to risk something to find out if it could work.
        Only that, that feeling of “safety and love” was exactly the feeling that I remembered from my very difficult and unhappy childhood- and I had learnt to deny my own experience of it because my parents/surroundings had taught me that my experience of reality was an illusion (and I was even mocked for expressing my experience of my reality), and that only what they told me was true and real. And their opinion was that I was a very happy child, and that my parents were the only ones that really cared about me and that I could trust wanting me well. I saw the world through their eyes. Life together with my ex was like my childhoods Christmas eves, for several years.
        And it took that relation with my ex to realize all this.

        You are right Melanie, I have come a very long way. Thanks for reminding me.
        It is never too late to face reality and take responsibility. As long as there is life, there is hope. :) I keep on going.
        Today I took the hard decision going no contact with my sister. Exact same time I managed to go to really no no contact with my mother by getting a new secret phone number to avoid hurting text messages, my sister started yelling at me and accusing me untrue things, and even spreading it on facebook in a hint-like way. It is so hurtful, but I know now that my therapist, and the physiotherapist, and you, and the people at the shelter I was hiding while it was worst, and others that have warned me of unhealthy people in my life; they/you are all very right; I MUST take care of my self and protect myself from what I know within damages me. Healthy people worry for my health and wellbeing, and I start really seeing the seriousness in it. It is real, and I must be responsible for myself, I cannot be so hopeful forever and stand living constantly on eggshells, no matter what others might think or say about my own experience of things and elements and peoples behavior.
        It is so sad to let go of family, but I must if I shall have chance staying on my own feet again in this life.

        Wounds need peace to heal. I now grant myself peace, and I wish it for everyone that seeks it.


  14. i get this. I was the co-dependant one, from the loving but secretive family. (pretend life is ok, don’t make a scene.) My early red flags included feeling afraid to be alone, knowing that we did not have an authentic connection, yet allowing myself to be pursued and caught anyway out of fear of being alone. I also felt as if I couln’t live without this guy, yet was I ever really happy? I learned the hard way… always, always, always trust your gut.

    Thanks for all your wisdom, Mel

    • Hi Valerie,

      I always love it when people come forward and fully own their stuff – because I know how empowering and healing that is for you…

      It takes great courage – more than bungy jumping or sky-diving, or even being shot out of cannon! :)

      The truth sets you free, and this is wonderful that you are powerfully and authentically partnering yourself!

      The feeling ‘I can’t live without him’ is never about ‘love’ with a narcissist – it is about being hooked into dependencies that the narc creates to ensure narc supply – and the parts of you that have not as yet become a Source to yourself.

      Once you inwardly heal these defunct inner beliefs between you and yourself – truly there is no ‘missing’ only total repulsion (at the thought of going back and continuing to receive abuse) and intense gratitude that this soul co-created with you what you needed in order to heal and come home to authetically loving and accepting yourself.

      There is also the intense gratitude as a result of finding the parts of yourself you needed to heal to be able to create incredible, real and authetic relationships (more of yourself) in life.

      Mel xo

  15. Hi Mel,
    From my name you’ll see that I’m a guy, and I see that most of the material in these pages assume that guys are the predominant narcissists. However, I also see many many clues that my (soon to be ex-) wife is the manipulative, controlling party. And I consciously IGNORED the warning signs for too long before we got married over two decades ago.

    I recently made the mistake of mentioning narcissism in a counselling session (after years of fighting about counselling, she finally agreed to go to see a counselor with me) and then both she AND the shrink turned on me and rather strongly suggested that I’m the narc and not her.

    How do I know if they’re right or not?

    • Hi Andre,

      please rest assured I work with many male clients and there are many men on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Absolutely it is recognised here (and welcomed) that men are also narc abused.

      In fact there are many men who regularly post on these blogs…you are certainly not alone.

      This is a huge problem with narcissism in counselling is that many victims get lined up – narcissists are experts at twisting facts and charming people, and have the capacity to pathologically lie with zero remorse.

      Narcs have been perfecting this as ‘buisness as usual’ from a very young age.

      The problem is that the lies narcissist can tell straight faced with great expressions of integrity (narcs are consumated actors) – other grown adults cannot FATHOM as lies.

      Even counsellors, because many of them have no where NEAR enough understanding, exposure or ability to untangle what is really going on.

      I would say in virtually every case I have ever seen re counselling with narcs – it does all get twisted around. It takes a very good counsellor to a) identify it and b) confront a narc with it.

      This is the deal in knowing whether or not you are a narcissist.

      1) Do you take umbrage at the slightest remark that threatens ‘who you are’?

      2) Do you have the capacity to pathologically lie without any remorse in order to secure an agenda.

      3) Is your natural reaction when you feel ‘hurt’ to malisciously payback with vengeful acts to hurt people without any remorse for how that affects people?

      4) If you screw up do you refuse to be accountable, project, blameshift, make excuses, deny, change topics, pull up allies (real or imagined), dig up dirt from the past as a tit for tat exercise etc. etc.

      5) Do you purposefully lie about people creating smear campaigns in order to discredit them – based on nothing but fiction (which of course would be the projections of how you yourself operate)?

      The list goes on and on….

      But these main points will let you know if you are a narc or not…the very fact you are asking – and have not written ten counter reasons (offsetting accountability) why you aren’t would make me very much doubt it.

      Also with this list don’t get confused that you have been caught in these head bends with her (and you would have if she is a narc)…what I mean is – ARE you capable of acting like this in your life – are these the tactics YOU use?

      If not – then you are not a narc – point blank.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  16. Thank you so much for this article, it rang true for me on so many counts. I am struggling to stay strong and not let myself be sucked back in but thanks to you, Mel, and two very good friends my feet remain on the ground. I too have had so many red flags which I ignored or dismissed. I have been powerless for too long. Not tip-toeing on eggshells daily is such a welcome relief – people remark at how more relaxed I appear. Thank you for your guidance and timely articles, the pain of being “alone” diminishes with every day.

  17. My intuition was screaming at me at the beginning. It took my ex boyfriend 4 months to convince me of this relationship. He was simply a friend before and I knew something was wrong and that it could never end like a healthy relationship. And then at one point I was simply too addicted to this relationship to leave until he broke up with me, because I was mentally and physically too exhausted to have me around and I did not serve the function of doing all the work for him anymore, because we moved to a new country and had seperated work places. I am sure by now he found another me to take advantage of and pretend to love in order to feel better about himself. I decided to move to another country and have a brand new start. For now it is pretty tough to heal myself, find a job and spend so much time alone. However, I am sure if I do it properly, I will never have to experience this again and at one point this relationship would have killed me. So I was damn lucky he broke up with me. Sometimes I still have trouble to recognize myself, but I am positive to build myself a new life and finally manage to love myself.

    • Hi Mia,

      Yes you were lucky he broke off with you – no matter how hard and painful that was…

      It is very true that narcs are trying to find someone to ‘love’ the parts of themselves which are continually self-rejected – and of course this never authentically works..

      Even if there was a person who could live with and accept the narcissist’s fractured inner parts which the narcissist will not take responsibility for, the narcissist must and will sabotage the relationship and reject this person’s ‘love’ anyway.

      This is wonderful that you are committed to and positive about creating your new life from the inside out. With self-love and self-partnering everything will come from that – in unlimited ways :)

      Mel xo

  18. Another great article Mel . Isn’t it funny how we all have these instincts that are always spot on but so often choose not to listen to them ? Story of my life really . Every single time that that something dreadful has happened in my life it’s because I made the choice not to listen that gut feeling. 8 years with my narc and almost 3 years since he left but only in the last 6 months have I begun to heal. This coincided with the discovery of your website Mel . Two and a half years out of my relationship and making absolutely no progress- still struggling with the nightmare daily . A healer friend of my sisters told me shortly after my narc left that things would only get better once I did the work . I understood fully what she meant at the time -that my recovery was in my hands but didn’t know how to go about it . For two and half years although I felt like I had lot of the tools I just couldn’t put them all together in a way that worked. This is what you have done Mel with your programs Mel . I have completed NARP and have started the Self Empowerment course and the relief I feel is IMMENSE !!i I am finally doing the work I have needed to do for so long . Thank you so much for helping me to save myself rather than hope for someone to do it for me x

    • Hi Trish,

      I am glad you enjoyed the article.

      Oh big YES! That is what we tend to do…absolutely – until we really have ‘come home to ourself’…

      I am so pleased my information has been helping you heal this last 6 months. It is not unusual for people to make rapid progress once they commit to NARP, because the format and the processes are all there for people to do the real inner work – and I am so pleased it has had that affect for you…

      This is lovely that you are breaking through and feeling so good Trish!

      It is so true that we need to learn how to become our own healer – because truly we are the only one who can do it – no-one else can – because they are not ‘us’…And that is what true self-development is – taking responsibility for and healing ‘self’.

      No-one could save ‘us’ because we only create the people and situations in life from our ‘inner’…It’s great you have fully embraced this.

      You are always so very welcome :)

      Mel xo

  19. Well…this article sure is accurate to how uneasy I felt very early (the first month, before moving in with him) in my last relationship, where I would see a certain behaviour that caused me ‘feel’ uneasy and my stomach would do a flip flop. The first time was when we were sharing a nice spa together and just talking (he was doing all the talking mainly about himself) when he suddenly said something to me that completely floored me. It was odd and I couldn’t think what he meant by the comment. It was like something went off in his head that he was uncomfortable with. Time went on and I had many more red flag moments and I too, dismissed them as just his nature. Me being accepting of who he was, just thought no one is perfect. What I didn’t realise at the time was I started to change my behaviour, change my wording and do things that were not ‘who I was’ as I felt sensitive toward him and the things that set him off. He didn’t get angry so much, but just covertly was odd in the way he communicated with me and I know now, it was very subtle abuse, pulling me up for me being me.

    I have a strong intuition and many times, even still I make the wrong choices because I still have work to do on myself to not live in the illusion of what is more desirable but instead to stop and feel more, so my intuition can guide me. Today I had to make a choice which could cost me dearly later on if it is the wrong choice, but I did something different to my usual pattern and stopped, took some deep breaths, closed my eyes and ‘felt’ the voice inside me, which in the end guided me to make the right choice. If I had of thought too much about it and if it was making me feel uncomfortable then I would have taken more time before making the final decision.

    So from working with QFH I have learnt to listen more to my inner gut feelings and have learnt to feel so much more, rather than ‘thinking’ too hard all the time. I believe when we think too hard about something, it has to be because we are fighting the inner voice. Letting go and feeling guides us to make the right choices.

    Believe me, when something feels off with a narc, it really feels wrong in every way. We all know how awful that feels.

    If anyone out there is watching “The Voice”, an Australian singing contest on TV, will know how much the musicians (Judges) ‘feel’ into each singers voice (their chairs are turned initially so they can’t see them) and they go on gut instinct the whole time to make the right choice to turn or not, depending on if the singer hits a chord with them or not to stay in the contest. It is a great example of how when we feel into ourselves to find the answers, then the right answers will be available to us.

    Keep feeling everyone. Love Jac x

    • Hi Jac,

      Yes definetely we can all relate to comments that felt ‘off’. For me it was him having to regularly recycle past narc supply with comments about ‘ask so and so about those glory days’…or ‘I could have been dangerous with what I could do to people with this information’…or ‘all men upon meeting each other think – Could I beat the cr*p out of you?’or ‘I’m a vindictive bastard’..(Do normal people think in those terms?)…and there were many other random ‘off’ comments.

      I agree Jac rather than get really clear with ourself that this is not normal behaviour and it feels really ‘off’ we rationalised it away with ‘everyone has their stuff – no-one is perfect’…But the truth was our gut was screaming ‘DANGER!’ when we heard those comments…

      Also very, very true that we sensed umbrage and tip toed around speaking up…I did that for ages too, knowing that he would explode if critiqued…and of course it still happened if I did speak up no matter how cautiously I would do it…

      And of course it can feel ‘subtle’ the monitoring of ‘how to respond’- this is the toxicity of enmeshed co-dependent relationships.

      This is great that you are now listening to and trusting yourself..That is so true that if we are thinking too hard we are trying to rationalise what we deeply KNOW in our gut…This is a wonderful point that you have made – and SO true!

      Yes, this is it in a nutshell – if it feels awful it is not our truth. If it feels ‘off’ it is not our truth…And YES we all do know what awful feels like regardless of what spin our head tries to put on it.

      Lovely example you have written regarding The Voice – and I agree wholeheartedly – it is about closing our eyes and going to how it feels – and keeping all other material, fears and limitations out of the way…and if this is impossible to do in order to align with our inner truth, then we need to take responsibility and heal these fears and limitations – so that we can honour ourself.

      Thank you for your post!

      Mel xo

  20. I finally ended it with my narc after a 5 year relationship. He lied from the very beginning and I knew something was not right. He constantly put his ex-wife down (during the end of the relationship I found out he’s still married) and he talked negatively about his daughter’s mother.

    I should have listed to my inner spirit. It warned me, but I stayed in because he had me hooked. He slowly started controlling me. He made suggestions, and because I thought he was smart(ha,ha), I listed. I didn’t know he was hooking me.

    I looked back through my emails and noticed I’ve been singing the same ol’ sad song for years. In my emails, I am speaking of his negative behavior and begging him to take a look at himself. Each time, he blames me and tells me it’s my fault. In every discussion, he is telling me about things I need to do to change about me.

    I jumped through hoops, but could never satisfy him. Nothing I did was pleasing. Eventually I decided to pull back. When I did, I was able to see him for who he really was. By then he’d met someone else and was verbally and emotionally becoming abusive.

    I learned he was living a double life, seeing other women and receiving pornographic pictures from them via email. He was finally caught and I exposed him. Even after he was caught, he tried to hook me again. He never apologized and when I accused him of exploiting and degrading women, he said, “What’s wrong with that?”.

    I am glad I finally saw the light. My friends were pleased as they always felt like something wasn’t right with him.

    I am working on me and looking at the gaps I have within myself. My goal is to learn to love me again, reconnect with my inner spirit and move on with my life.

    I am thankful for being informed. There are so many people out there who are still wondering what is going on. I am glad I was finally enlightened.

    Thanks Melanie for all you do.

    • Hi Sunshine,

      It is importnat to know that when narcs are ‘putting an ex down’…it is the usual smearing, but also don’t ever discount that something is still not going on with that person…

      Narcs are famous for connecting with people that they openly ‘disdain’ especially with male narcissists playing out misogyny (mother revenge).

      Many people mistake his ‘hating’ his ex as meaning there is nothing going on there – to often discover later ‘Yes there is’…

      It is great that you have seen the fruitless pattern that is also so consistent with narc involvement – trying to get them to be accountable so you can have a safe relationship with them – and them refusing to be accountable and gaining a ton of narcissistic supply (attention) from you whilst you try to make this happen.

      Then what often happens is there were times were you did take full responsibility (cognitive dissonance to hang on) and this was only followed by sabotage of that by the narcissist or devalue and eventual discard.

      In short no matter what you would have done – it was never going to work out.

      I am relieved for you too that you have seen the light, and you are looking in the right direction – within. Because from that place you will make it all about healing and creating ‘self’ which means he becomes a springboard for that – a lesson to assist your healing…

      This is what taking your power back and reducing ‘his’ over you is all about.

      You are very welcome and keep moving forward – it will get better and better soon with the efforts and attitude you have Sunshine.

      Mel xo

  21. It is interesting how our mothers (my mother) knew from the first meeting with my ex, that there was something ‘off’ with him. She just knew. Another family member after one meeting with him, who is in her 80′s said ‘he seemed imbalanced’ and I just thought he was funny and had lots of energy, outgoing etc but he was wanting the stage all the time. I also found out he was copying everyone on tv ‘mimicking’ their behaviour to look cool and be liked.

    So intuition is very strong in some people, especially people who have been around the block more. I have learnt a lot from my mother and grandmother even though they too were involved with narcs in their life time,but I guess intuition becomes stronger with age. Is that right Mel, we get wiser and just know instinctively when we age?


    • Hi Jac,

      I totally agree with this too…

      My mother also reported after it was all said and done – exactly the same thing.

      ‘I knew on the first meeting there was something very not right with him – I just could not put my finger on it.’

      I think we do become ‘more at one’ with ourself as we age, and of course it was easier for these wise people to sense for others than it was for themself – as it can be for all of us :)

      Mel xo

  22. Hi Melanie, Whenever I have read another one of your blogs on narcissism, I feel there is nothing more to add. You have looked at the topic from so many angles and in such detail, that I have nothing to say except to compliment you on your clearity of writing and your views. Being raised by narcissist parents and married to a narcissist wife for 18 years, I feel enormous relief when I read one of your posts. Thanks!

    • Hi Twan, I totally agree that Mel’s blogs do give enormous relief and answer every question spinning around in our minds (they do for me anyway). I always feel my vision is so much clearer and it provides me enormous relief. A real comfort too and reinforces one to never sacrifice our soul for anyone, but to keep it healthy for us. We only get one chance at life, so thanks to Mel’s guidance, we all have a chance to make it right for us.

  23. Oh, to add Mel…my ex used to be able to know a persons name, before he had even met them. The name would just pop out of his mouth and stun people, especially with young kids, he just knew their name without the parents even saying it. He would walk under street lights and they would go out ‘every time’ and if I was upset or sad, he would phone me and ask ‘is everything ok?’ (before we were living together). He knew things and seemed to have a sixth sense. When the dark side came out, (which was often, out of nowhere), it felt like I had a heavy energy inside me,like a type of possession and it felt really uncomfortable. When he flipped back to ‘normal’ (there is no normal for a narc) within seconds of being evil, the feeling would ease inside me, but I felt totally drained of life. I knew he was nearby on his way home from work and my gut used to churn and my heart used to race putting me in a spin.

    My instincts tell me every time now and I listen to them, as I would never want to live the hell I lived again not for any reason.
    So if something feels off, especially early, feel it and ask it what it is about and if you find out, run like hell.

    • Hi Jac,

      I agree that narcs that can be quite ‘psychic’ with information – absolutely…

      I really do distinguish this from ‘intuition’ though – because the former is ‘information’ and the second is ‘truth for the good of all’…

      Anyone can decide ‘what to do’ with information – whereas connection to intuition is inner wisdom, it is connection to oneness and reverence for life.

      That’s my take on it :)

      Mel xo

  24. All your articles ring so true. I was married to a N for 17 years and I left him 10 months ago. The red flags were waving frantically around me yet I chose to ignore them. I went through 17 years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse. Last year I reached a point of ‘to here and no further’ and I left him. We have a daughter together so ‘no contact’ is impossible. He harasses me with texts, up to 25 messages within the space of 2 hours. I ignore them unless it is relevant and has to do with our daughter. It has been 10 months since I left him and although I am happier being away from him, I am finding the divorce very taxing and draining. He has been relentless in accusing me of all sorts of things – totally untrue. Just makes me wonder what he is actually hiding with all the attacks and accusations against me. I realise that I have a long way to go in healing and that my hurt and pain runs very deep and I am willing to work at finding the ‘inner me’ and put this behind me and move forward. The thought of another man in my life scares me. My ex N knows what buttons to push. Where it states in your article ‘The narcissist knows where you doubt yourself, where you will err towards loyalty for the relationship, how you can easily be made to feel guilty, how you wish to seek approval, and how you will defend you beliefs on integrity and are devastated if suggested it is you doing the pathological, horrendous, maliscious things that the narcissist does’. This rings incredibly true with me and I am facing the fact that I was indeed VERY co-dependent and need to delve deep to figure out why, to accept, to forgive myself and to put it behind me so I never find myself in this situation again.
    Thanks Melanie, I always look forward to a mail in my inbox with a new blog.

    • Hang in there and stay strong. I am almost at the end of my divorce – yes my soon to be ex narc continues to drag it out and play victim. In the end you will come out on top and karma will catch up with him. Just find out the timeline for the latest possible date for the divorce. Mine is June. I have a court date on Monday bringing witnesses so this should be it. But if not it will be in June. Rely on friends and journal, journal, journal.. As you look back you will see the transition, and how far you have come.

      • Hi Martha,
        Thank you for your support. I have been journaling and I also take screen shots of all the text messages he sends which are on file with my attorney. The earliest court date available is in a years time because our divorce has been classified as a ‘high conflict divorce’. Legal fees are costing a fortune, money that I don’t have but thankfully my dad has helped me by paying the attorney fees. My ex N lied to me right from the beginning, the day we married. I blindly signed the marriage contract, only to find out 17 years later that what I signed was not what we agreed to. I walked out with absolutely nothing, even the gifts he bought me while we were together he took away from me.
        I know that leaving him was the best thing I have ever done for myself and our daughter and am looking forward to finding ‘ME’.

        Best of luck on Monday, let us know how it went.

        • Martha and Caz–I met my Narc at 15 1/2–37 years later I am FREE–My divorce has been final 1 month–TODAY my garbage company came and took my GARBAGE can becasue my EX claimed it BELONGS to him…I actually LAUGHED–he is TRYING so hard for me to SEE him and I don’t–he is invisiable to me. The divorce was HELL–he played dirty–took all the money–didn’t cooperate and that Judge Shut him down and put him in his place in court REAL quick..You ladies can do it..the worse thing you can do to a Narc–is be stronger than them,Take away their power–don’t be afraid–without YOU they are NOTHING
          Without them YOU are EVERYTHING you could NEVER be WITH THEM. Best wishes to you both!

    • Hi Caz,

      It is wonderful that you found the strength to say ‘Enough’.

      Yes you have been, and are going through a very rough time, and I really feel for you. The smearing and the knowing which buttons to push is totally consistent with what narcissists do – and this is why it is so imperative for you to do the work on yourself emotionally – so that you are no longer an emotional / vibrational match to his behaviour – because that is when you will start getting disconnection and relief.

      I can’t recommend the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program enough to assist you with this (you can read about it top right of blog), and it does all the figuring out of it for you (all you have to do is follow the instructions and the processes) of all the points you mention you wish to achieve – as well as many more.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Hi Mel,

        Thank you for your kind words. I have downloaded the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and am going to start working on it today. I have also been reading a book by Joe Vitale about Ho’oponopono and have been repeating the 4 phrases over and over to myself. My mom also gave me dvd’s and information about EFT that I am going to start applying. I have a long way to go and alot of healing work to do and I am looking forward to my new journey.

        • Hi Caz,

          this is brillaint you now have some very powerful tools to work on the inner you. Everything you have mentioned is wonderful stuff!

          You are now on the direct path – and this is exciting :)

          Please know any questions you have or help you require in regard to any shifts with QFH you can email me direct.

          Bless :)

          Mel xo

  25. It’s scary how this resonates with me. I had my gut feeling early on and ignored it because I had never had a boyfriend. I was at a point in my life where I had finished my education, starting my career and it seemed logically I would finally meet someone. I ignored the one thing my friends always commented on. I was the one with the “sixth” sense whom they trusted and I ended up not trusting myself…I still don’t. I feel like I’m over anaylzing, paranoid because of the hell I went through and I shouldn’t be so “negative”. I hope I can get back that part of me. I know I’ll never be the same because of what he did but it will be nice to be able to grow from it.

    • Hi Kimberly,

      So many of us can relate to how this feels…’How can I trust myself?’

      Definetely being parnoid is a form of protection but will not net you the results you want in life – we keep creating what we fear – period…

      No you will not be the same – but if you do the inner work you will be far improved – because the truth is all of interactions in life (including the incredibly painful ones) are there to show us what we can heal and evolve on the inside.

      If you wish to take that journey I can’t recommend NARP enough – and when you read about it you will see there is no risk on your behalf in making that step.

      Mel xo

  26. Thank you, Mel, for another timely article. I am currently relying on my intuition at the start of a new relationship. The man I’m becoming involved with is apparently warm, honest, and communicative. He is not love bombing me and gives me plenty of space to live my life. I have not seen or felt any red flags and I have none of that sense of crazy, obsessive attachment. I could walk away from this person without activating any of my old anxiety. I’m guessing that this is how normal people feel and I like it. I am with this man because I enjoy his company, not because I feel a compulsion or a need or a fear. I don’t know where it will go, but I am cautiously optimistic. If and when the time comes, I know I will be able to love, but right now I’m just gathering information about him and about my new self. And I wouldn’t have my new self if it weren’t for you, Mel.

    • Hi EJ,

      This is wonderful that you are taking your time, and this man continues to be respectful and ‘normal’… :)

      You will know when the time is right to connect when it feels right to do so!

      I am so pleased you have your new self, and you are very welcome EJ :)

      Mel xo

  27. I’ve been following the series of articles for several months. They are always point on and really hit home. Great site. Thanks everyone for having the courage to share and thanks to Melanie for caring enough to continue the journey with the rest of us.

  28. OMG!! As I read the article and every comment made here on this article, my eyes welled up with tears because each story resonant with my life. I was raised in a dysfunction family where EMOTIONS were never recognized and validated by my parents. It was also a very protective environment being the oldest girl in the family. My dad somewhere in my growing STOPPED loving and VALIDATING me as his daughter. It set the STAGE for my life of being vulnerable emotionally for controlling and NARCISSISTIC men in my life. (We ladies need to look CLOSELY to why we like BAD BOYS), which are NARCs. Anyways, my first boyfriend was a NARC who broke my heart and NOW, after thirty years of marriage, through this website and Melanie and countless others, I NOW know WHO my husband truly is and the nightmare, I have been living through. I am still living with this fool, but not with my eyes closed. I have begun the work on myself and is seeking a job and income outside of his resources. It’s been a hard climb but NOW I have some direction. I thank God for you Melanie, for your life’s work of, ” Setting The Captives Free.” Be Blessed. V

    • Hi Vanessa,

      I agree that sometimes information can really hit home – absolutely…

      It sounds like you are on your way – and please know this community is here for you totally during your journey…

      Hugs and strength

      Mel xo

    • Hi Chris,

      I would really like to know some details.

      Has your teenage daughter always been narcissistic from a young age? Is she being tainted by a narcissistic parent? Has she become narcissistic recently? Does she live with you – and what are the dynamics?

      Mel xo

  29. i CAN relate to the red flags but by that stage I was deeply affected. Now I feel I am the narc, all the symptoms, which is now causing more confusion. Is that possible to become like them. I am now in the middle of relaiming me, but it is not as easy as I thought, awareness is one thing but to put it in every day life is the problem.

    • Hi Cathy,

      when you say ‘Now I Feel I am the narc, all the symptoms..’ could you please explain what you mean by that?

      Do you mean the feelings of inner emptiness and pain – because co-dependents truly feel those as well…

      In fact the symptoms of narcs and co-dependents are almost identical – its the ACTING OUT of what to do with inner pain and emptiness that clearly defines the difference between co-dependents and narcs.

      It is the difference between a damaged inner being and a non-existent inner being that was completely submerged and replaced with a False Self.

      If you grant me ‘why’ you believe you could be a narc I may be able to help you shift your confusion.

      Mel xo

  30. I knew that something was not quite right the day I met my N.He invited me to a dance but when I got there that night he was late and I went home. The second time we met, he and I went in an acquaintance’s car to the room that he rented. My heart sank as we went inside this deprived small space and he began to consume the remainder of a bottle of vodka. I should have left then and there but did not. I often felt as if I was sitting with an empty wall. The N was a great teacher for me because as we related I got to feel the full impact of a number of very painful patterns learned in my childhood; some before I was verbal. I have been working on these patterns with a kinesiologist and they include my inability to escape damaging situations, my immobilized will and innate resources, my lack of direction, my defeatism, my self-blame and my emotional pain. This is alongside my grief at my father’s sudden death at age 9, my pain at his unavailability, my pain because I always say ‘Yes’ instead of ‘No’ when I would be better to say a clear ‘No’ and my seeking of crumbs. I am healing all these old patterns now and as I go longer with NC, I am feeling much better.

    • Hi Suzanne,

      This is wonderful that you are doing energetic work. I am such a huge fan for doing energetic cellular work which is what QF Healing on NARP is (kinesiology is one of QFH’s three components) or for people to go and see a kinesiologist…

      Truly cognitive assistance such as merely ‘talk therapy’ is SO the long, painful way around with very little results for trauma this deep (narc abuse or childhood abuse for that matter – or ANY abuse)…

      Inner therapy is how we get to contact and address the subconscious – which is where our inner defunct programs are stored CELLULARY..

      Talk therapy does not reach the real issues…

      You are TOTALLY on the right track to healing, and this is fantastic that you are determined to sort out and transform these inner programs.

      Thank you for your post and for sharing…Bravo :)

      Mel xo

  31. Thank you! So many red flags, all of what you said happened! I loved him so much that I wanted to believe the lies, but I knew, I always knew deep down. Thank you for this article, just what I needed in my healing process! I won’t ever not trust myself again!

  32. Every time I read your weekly newsletter it gives me another jolt. Mine is a double whammy. I still live with a Narc but am really working on myself. I am getting stronger every day and looking forward to the day I walk out the front door and never look back. I can honestly say that as a person who was adopted at birth, I finally get why I have been clinging to the Narc.
    The biggest heartbreak for me is the fact that over the years, the narc has used our children to side with him. At times I have felt so isolated, but after reading today’s newsletter I am going to be honest about my feelings with my now adult children. Who knows what the outcome…. I need to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. Thank you Melanie.

    • Sue, my heart and soul goes out to you because I am in the same situation. And as you described How they build as alliance with their children to humilitate and isolate you is heartbreaking. To know it is done DELIBERATE as a means of CONTROL is nothing short of unbelievable! As I stated above, I am also still with this man but NOT with my eyes closed and have began the process of working on myself with this New Found AWARENESS. I had NO CLUE this was a dreadful disorder and TWISTED way relationships existed. Discounted soo much to make sense of it all but NOW I know these guys are losers, no matter how long you stay with them. Hang in there Sue & Melanie is God Send. Vanessa

      • Hi Vanessa,

        truly it can all turn around – children included when you do the inner work on you to heal the pain and charges of ‘what he is doing’…

        There are many famalies where once the mother does this – the condition starts to reverse…you are not powerless in this situation – but you need to be prepared to look at it from another angle…

        Which is “when I heal how I feel about what is happening and what he is doing then all of the conditions of ‘what is’ change into different conditions which match my inner healed state or ‘what I do want’ in regard to my life and my children..”

        This is where true change happens – powerfully from within..

        Please read the testimonies of NARP – there are many cases like yours…

        Mel xo

      • Vanessa and Sue–Same here- I always felt like they had a Secret Club I wasn’t invited to join! I always felt left out and they would Gang up on me until many times they made me cry in resturants and they would LAUGH! 2 of my daughters boyfriends asked her WHY she did that in front of ME. So I knew I wasn’t imagining it! After divorcing my husband after 37 years of hell I am not stepping back from my daughter becasue she is the LAST link to him and he is still “Using her her” to GET to me. I have tried to talk to my 27 year old daughter about all this but now see that SHE is a Narc. also– so for my happiness and sanity the last 13 months have been about ME–healing me,finding me, understand me and LOVING me. Best wishes to you both!

    • Hi Sue,

      This is fantastic that you are going to honour you and align with your truth Sue..

      Then life will back and support you…and I love that you are going to be authentic with your children regardless of the outcome – that is REAL unconditional love for all concerned :)

      Bless :)

      Mel xo

    • I just divorced my Narc after 37 years my grown daughter knows all the dirty little secrets adn that her dad gambled away her collage money but still she sides with HIM adn will not speack to ME. I use to laugh and call them 2 peas in a pod but now it is no longer funny–she has a Narc personality even stronger than HIS and my theraphist says it would take her years to unlearn the damage my husband inficted on my daughter and I’s relationship. I always felt Out cast and not included in their activities–they always sided toogether to make jokes adn get laughs at my expense and although parents adn faimily pointed it to me I never could get them to include me adn make me feel like part of the family…I have long since given up.

  33. Well written, wonderfully timed and very helpful information. Thank you so much for the help you have been to me personally. My very wise and esteemed counsellor and your website and blog have helped me and continue to help.
    Keep up the good work Melanie! You are an oasis of help and hope in an unforgiving desert.

    Much love,
    Dewey (my nic)

  34. A BIG THANK YOU for helping me look at myself afresh, clean up the rubble that I have helped her to make out of my life and to begin to believe that there is life – a much one better in fact with dignity and in peace and that I must not revert to emotional laziness and cowardice. The three steps so far have really helped me and I look forward to the rest.

    You are a blessing. You are speaking to me about my own life and my 25 year long relationship with my narcissistic wife.

    Thank you so much, Melanie,

  35. I remember after 2 weeks he was asking what I expected from a relationship, he then started an argument and walked out on me asking me to call him once I knew. My GUT instinct thought “thank god that nutters gone”..! he then came back, apologized and said he really wanted this to work…of course I fell for it, and as in all cases the abuse got worse as he moved in after just 6 weeks..! 10 months later I asked him to leave and he took EVERYTHING with him. All my old furniture etc had been discarded to make room for his stuff. I got left with nothing.(He even took the new sockets and lights..lol..!) I live to tell the tale.

    • Hi Liz,

      this is a very important point. The point being in the early days we were not ‘as hooked’…so behaviour erupted, we did not completely become dishevelled, and in fact we may have stood our ground, and then the narc apologised…

      I remember early on incident (within first few months) with the narc trying to blame for not reading his mind and granting him ‘attention’ that he expected without even discussing – and me stating ‘I am not a mind-reader – and you are making out you are so happy (the I’m gloriously in love with you) and then bottle stuff, blow up and then make out it is so big the relationship is on the skids…speak up and ask for what you need instead of doing this pattern’

      He refused to see it, so I said I ‘I’m not doing this anymore – I’m done’…and he apologised fully by sending me an email admitting he had not healed the stuff with his Mum and kept every relationship as ‘impossible for a partner to make me happy’ so that he could remain detached and not get hurt and ‘let down’…

      I beleived this was progress and reconnected to him (now what I know HAD to be getting into therapy and actually committing to and working on and healing this stuff – not just ‘mentioning it’).

      This pattern and the behaviour never stopped – it intensified horrifically, became more and more frequent and violent and the more hooked I got the more he blamed me and the less and less responsibility he took.

      The accountability at the start was simply to keep me in the game…

      So what we need to understand is ‘off’ behaviour is ‘off’ behaviour…and grown adults don’t act in ways that narcs do – which is ‘off’…

      Thank you for your share, and you will certainly not fall for that ‘off’ behaviour again, or rush a ‘move in’ relationship again.

      Mel xo

  36. Hi Mel…reading this article felt like you know my story and are writing about it:-)
    I had just healing from a break up with a long term relationship when i met my ex narc.
    He felt so different that i felt he was gods gift to me.
    My intuition did kick in and i did feel something was weird. At first i liked it. I thought he was different from the other guys i thought the weirdness was innocence! but 6 months down the line it started feeling like all was not what it seemed.
    Everytime i voiced it he told me i was crazy and unbalanced as i hadnt healed from my previous relationship.
    i believed him ..and spent most of time apologizing for every small thing i said
    I have been through the behaviours you state in this article and he had convinced me i was crazy and i trusted his judgement. i feel so angry and foolish about this now.

    Finding you has opened my eyes and its the first time i have been able to cut off completely.
    Even though at times the pull is so strong i just feel like contacting him again… but your mails in my inbox keep me strong

    I thank you from the bottom of my heart…as in 2 weeks of following your advice i feel lighter and freer than i have in the past 3 years.
    Thank you
    Much love to you

    • Hi Sanj-
      Your comment struck a chord for me and I wanted to reply.

      My ex N was like what you say too. “Not like other guys.” And I thought the same thing…not exactly innocent but inexperienced. He prided himself on this too.

      I remember bringing up the fact that getting angry for someone getting angry isn’t really healthy. He told me that it’s what everyone does and that I was with my last boyfriend so long I wasn’t used to how most people react.

      My last boyfriend was super easy going…probably too much so, but he was someone I could (and still can actually as we are still friends) talk to about any emotion and why I feel that way. And he’d respond with conversation on how he felt as well or sometimes apologize if appropriate.

      When the ex N responded as I said above, it was one of many things that didn’t sit right but I let slide by.

      Thanks for your comment. I learn so much from the comments here as well as Mel’s posts.

      Stay strong. It gets better.

      • Hey Luann
        thanks for your comment
        i know what you mean…even though at the time of my first break up i didnt think it would ever be possible i am friends with my first boyfriend now
        After the ex narc …my first boyfriend feels like a human at least if nothing else.
        He understands emotions and says sorry when needed…something my ex narc never did.
        Almost everything with the narc was about him judging how crazy i am because of my first relationship
        Thanks at least i know im not the only one going through this
        Am ready for it to get better now…been stuck in what seems like hell now for to long
        much love to you

    • Hi Sanj,

      Yes, yes it is normal for narcs to displace your ‘questioning’ on previous relationships…absolutely.

      The problem is due to not trusting self – that people can buy it…and question themselves.

      I am so pleased you are getting stronger and clearer Sanj :)

      What you will find is if you do the deeper inner work that it will be much easier to not have the pull and the feelings of connection – they dissolve powerfully when you start healing your inner programs.

      Articles alone may not produce those results for you – even though they help supplement your resolve.

      You are so very welcome, and much love to you too…

      Mel xo

  37. This is a very accurately written article on codependency, and the connection to the detachment of our inner selves that began in childhood. My earliest memory of this type occurred when I was about three or four years old and I had been taken fishing. When my father came home from work that day and as was customary of him, he asked me what I had done that day and I replied that I had caught a fish. My mother quickly replied that I had an active imagination and that I had gone nowhere…Oddly, I still remember this, but not the fight that also occurred as my father believed what I said. Since that time I have entered three such abusive relationships, with the last one being very short term…slow to believe and recognize the warning flags. Even when I know what I am seeing.. It is still taking me a lot to convince myself that what I see, hear and feel is actually accurate. What you stress in your article about what we teach our children is so important,and really every parent to be should have to take a course on how not to mess up the next generation.

    • Hi Zen,

      It is great you are understanding the connection of how we get disconnected from ourself.

      It is sad that emotional intellignece and emotional authenticity is not a part of the human curriculum, it would have saved so much pain, abuse and heartbreak…

      So much more love, connection and truth could have prevailed for everyone’s wondrous benefits…however we can now do our bit – absolutely…and it always starts with ‘self’…

      If everyone took responsibility to be emotionally authentic, and self-loving, accepting and developed our world would be an incredibly loving and prosperous place!

      Mel xo

  38. I am amazed at how many people are affected by a npd. I took a work out class and was infected by her poison and am jut getting out of her clutches. I had no intention of dating or anything else with this girl. First of all she was half my age and I’m married with children and pretty happy with my situation. She seemed to tease me and try to belittle me subtly and I put her in her place. She continued her nonsense and I finally stop going to the class. It was just a crazy situation with no logic to it at all. I used to try and figure it out but couldn’t. after reading your articles I finally figure it out . It was her mental condition causing all the conflict in me. What a sad life she has but she will continue teaching and praising herself and lonely and miserable the rest of her life. My nature is to feel bad and try to fix things , I do light carpentry and try to help people but this is one that can’t be repaired. Sad but she is damaged goods and can’t be fixed. Not my problem man. Finally said good bye. she took up too much space in my head but not any more . Thank you for writing all those articles it really helped.

    • Hi Clif,

      Yes it is prolific…It is great you have got clear and pulled away, and also knowing that this is showing you parts in you that you can heal and improve on – because there is nothing in our experience that is ‘unpleasant’ that doesn’t grant this opportunity.

      It is when we find this gift and heal that part that the space in our head is no longer taken up – the message has been clearly delivered and does not need to persist.

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  39. Yes I do agree that every email I have received has been just at the right time! I am at the point of uncertainty! My n left me three months ago and took his entire belongings out off his house! I have had no contact other than forward some important mail! After 7 weeks he appeared at door early in the morning and was drunk and I never spoke too him and the police appeared as he was kicking the door, he was told to go! I now feel terrible that I never let him in or spoke too him! Now heard nothing and feel he tryed too make contact and I have blown it!! But I do know I have fine the right thing and feel I really need to find out my rights! This is his big fancy house and he pays all the bills and I just don’t know what will happen next but I can’t move on at the moment and feel so isolated and alone and trying me best to get on and function and just cannot understand how someone can completely ignore you for that length off time! We have been 8 years together and lived together for 6!! Soo sad and just not getting any better for me x

    • Hi Jo,

      yes emotionally you are struggling at the moment which is perfectly understandable.

      It’s important to break this down. If you have ascertained he is a narc – then you need to come to terms with there is no hope.

      Additionally he left and he is taking no repsonsibility for his narc behaviour that is totally unhealthy for a relationship and for you to live with.

      His moment of turning up does not mean things have changed.

      There are one of three reasons that narcs will not make contact with you. 1) There is other supply (although many narcs do keep exes as back up supply), or 2) He thinks that not contacting you is the most effective way to punish you and get you to cave in to a relationship with him on his terms, or 3) You have exposed him, ripped his mask down and there is nowhere else to go but out of your life forever.

      Now back to the original point if you know he is a narc – you need to heal and re-build your life, because there is no other possibility of relief…it certainly is not going to come through him.

      This is about doing all that you can to claim you, love you, support you and come home to yourself.

      Hugs Jo and I really feel for where you are at, most of us know what this place feels like – and I promise you it can and will get better if you commit to you.

      Mel xo

  40. Melanie, your insights have been a true lifesaver for me and I am so grateful to have found your website and e-books. You truly have helped me through some horrific days after leaving my Narc. What I am still desperately seeking is the ‘how to’ heal myself, ‘how to’ connect to my inner strengh and heal from the inside out. I see the problems much more clearly now and I want to heal but I don’t know what precisely to do.

  41. Oh and by the way, I googled this disorder to discover MOST these Narcs will GASLIGHT you, meaning make you QUESTION your perception and feelings. It is like they ALL went to the same damn school or exist like a cookie cutter. This disorder is DESTROYING lives and families and really is CRIMINAL. They are a thief of the HEART & SOUL of a person. People connected to Domestic Violence, both layman and law enforcement need to be EDUCATED on this issue. Thanks again Melanie.

    • Hi Vanessa,

      the problem is ‘anti’ movements don’t work.

      The more you push back against something saying NO to it – the more it gets energised in your experience…this is what Law of Attraction (Universal Law) creates…you cannot focus on ‘what you don’t want’ and fight with it to eliminate it – it just is NOT Energetic Law.

      So I hear what you are saying Vanessa, but I can assure you a ‘war’ on narcs just like a ‘war’ on drugs, criminals, etc etc etc will do nothing other than energise it and make it push back harder…

      The true solution is the ‘pro’ movement, which is totally taking responsibility to heal our unhealed wounds, become the best, most authentic people we can be and create ‘more of that’.

      Then narcs will ‘die out’ and future generations will stop creating them…and the more people who get in their authentic power the less narcs can ‘feed’…

      Mel xo

      • Melanie, thank you soo much for your comments on my remarks regarding the posts. I HEAR what you are saying and TOTALLY receive it. I am familiar with the Universal Law of Attraction, (The Secret) and Agree with it. It’s so unfortunate that our systems do not understand this law and concept. Yes, I will do the inner work for myself and take responsibility for my life. I will find the COURAGE to now begin the work EVEN in this marriage while taking the steps towards gainful employment and resources OUTSIDE my husband. This will allow me more options to take BACK my financial future. The painful truth is how I let my boundaries slipped with this man, which were in place when I met my husband, ( actually I was cautious of him w/o knowing WHY and my guard down, believing him when I thought he truly loved me. I realize NOW I was blind sighted, wanting to believe him in his pursuit of me.
        I truly did love myself then but had NO BOUNDARIES which has proved to be damaging, by the present state of affairs in my life. I LOVED him, unconditionally which was not wise. Thank you again Mel and to everyone else who has shared their stories and bared their souls on this issue. Thanks for the SUPPORT. Much Love and Best wishes, Vanessa

  42. I get blown away every time I read an article from you Melanie, and I learn something new every time. Shortly after meeting the ex narc we shared a car together to a convention we were both going to, it was on the way back from this convention that I got ‘hooked’ having absolutely no interest in him before this ~ we went to another convention together the following weekend when I was ‘pulled in’ even further then a couple of weekends after that we went away together again when I found myself in absolute fear, I knew I was in real danger to the point that I phoned up my family who were having a bbq back home and I was literally crying my eyes out on the phone to them ~ something I never do ~ they were telling me to get home quick but I didn’t, I did exactly what you said, I put it down to paranoia from my previous abusive relationship even though the warning signals couldn’t have been any stronger but I was more afraid to trust myself and of course it got worse and worse from there on in ~ the narc had me in his pocket and I never went anywhere for 7 years but just as you say at the end of the article, I will never ever fall for another narc relationship or less than treatment from anyone, including myself, ever again ~ this awesome lady is here to be treated with the upmost respect, love, decency, honour and all good things, at all times by all people but this is what she also gives :-)!

    Thank you Melanie for another fabulous article. Much love xxx

  43. This whole article really resonated with me (as do all of Melanie’s wonderful articles!). This passage in particular struck me:

    “It is interesting how many intuitives and healers get involved with narcissists, and it is amazing how many of these individuals have powerful intuition for other people – amazingly so – yet have such a struggle to trust their own internal guidance for themselves.

    This is a classic and complex problem with many sensitive people who are empaths and who give of themselves to others. If they are not in their own emotional power for themselves they are targets for narcissists who are often drawn to take ‘the light’ of these people’s energy simply because narcissist’s have no ability to produce their own good feelings. All of it must come from external sources.”

    I’ve always had an extremely strong sense of intuition, to the point where it is a joke amongst my friends that I somehow know the future. But, as Melanie points out, we intuitives don’t always let our intuition guide our own action … otherwise, I would not have spent 5 years riding the crazy narcissistic rollercoaster.

    I recall that my ex-narc was always extremely interested in and highly complimentary of my sense of intuition as well as my optimism. Looking back, I now realize these were traits he must have realized deep down that he did not have and that he was like a vampire trying to suck these traits out of me for his own use. It got to the point at the end that it was a sure-fire signal that he was up to no good when he would ask, out of the blue, with a bit of an evil twinkle in his eye, “so, what does your intuition say about us right now?”

    Thanks Melanie for another article that rings so true!

    • Hi GP,

      it is incredible how many healers and intuitives are narc abused – absolutely! I have met dozens and dozens (as well as been one myself)..

      One of the biggest problems is that many healers have inherently had very poor boundaries – this is an area we have needed to heal absolutely.

      I am glad the article resonated with you.

      Mel xo

  44. Dear Melanie,

    For the past year I have been coming to terms with the way in which I have lived my life. I am the daughter of a bi-polar/schzophrenic mother, mother of an adult NPD daughter, sister to an adult female alcoholic (all 3 are now ‘no contact’ nd I have no other biological family). My first partner was an alcoholic and my husband of 27 years together was also, up until 2.5 years ago. I am still with him as he has made huge strides in recognition and wanting to be a better person though our journey is a little rocky. My husbands family are dysfunctional (moreso in their religious beliefs more than regarding healthy boundaries and abusive behaviours) and therefore their view of me i.e. I could never be good enough for their son etc. has been a great source of pain for me along with my own family abusive behaviour toward my own ability to ‘get on’ whislt tending for their every need (with nothing in return – one way relationship efforts) for many years. As a result, I have spent a lifetime being a ‘people pleaser’, a ‘co-dependent’ and so forth. I was my mother’s parent and my daughter’s whacking cushion etc. I know I am not without fault but realisation hit me during the last 12 months (I started to identify cycles suddenly which I could begin to predict regarding behaviours around which caused me to begin changing my usual unconscious responses/actions/decisions/behaviours – -I was suddenly conscious!)- during which time, I wish I could have remained completely dumb as ‘revelations’ hit me like a locomotive. Realisations came through reading articles such as yours, learning what I could and listening to the responses of many other sufferers. My world and what I thought was my reality was turned completely upside down. Yet, I began to pinpoint the reasons why when I thought I was doing the right thing (for others) – why I felt unhappy inside. What I learned and what I realised in terms of what I was responsible for, as well as learning for the first time about ‘who I am’ (I had lost myself due to the outer), my inner self and listening rather than fighting my always very strong ‘intuitions’ (truth, integrity, boundaries and honour) whilst never wanting to hurt people – usually family – who were continually being abusive). I could on and on and on. This is the first time I have ever responded to anyone but I would like too say a huge thank you to you and to all who contribute and share replies. I no longer feel alone. I have started making radical changes in my life (and that of my two younger children – openness and honesty and not hiding my real emotions), plus engaging with outside professional help in the process. I read every day and I have been avidly re-learning and I suppose re-programming inside. And, whilst not out of the woods, I have started to feel relieved and so much more content in myself. Dare I say – happy – there I said it (it still feels like a selfish word but I am no longer afraid usually about what others might think of me). There will always be a sadness in my heart (idealisation and dreams of what could / should have been) – but there is no going back for me and I know I am on the right path. Going ‘no contact’ and detaching myself emotionally, following years of abusive behaviour which I could never quite put my finger on (I had that ‘must be me’ syndrome whilst my inner self always believed my intuitions were right all along). I have my younger children to answer to and guide and I think constantly about their right to well-being and feeling good about themselves always on the inside. To read an article such as this sent my heart soaring and I am very grateful to you for this and for all your articles. They always resonate, make sense to me and make a difference to me in ways I never thought possible. For years I thought the issue was alcoholism and my mother’s illness but I realise and recognise now a whole pattern of behaviours and cycles I could never identify clearly, how I attracted the partners I did and most likely contributed to my adult daughter’s NPD issues. Another pathway than aspiring to be happy, healthy and living life could have meant another life for me completely. I am still healing and will always remain an avid reader. Apologies for the ramble. Best regards, Anne (UK).

    • Dear Anne

      You are indeed well on the way to the light. Or as you would say, going back into the light that you always knew was flickerring.

      When you have been away from such people long enough and you do get back into the warm light of true self love it is a different ball game. You will see them in that light and it is all so easy to evaluate.

      When you have really reached the full recovery, such people ignite in you a clear understanding and pity for them. That is all.

      If you are angry, waiting in hope of appology
      talking about them constantly or looking for deeper and more complete ways of explaining how they hurt you, then you have not reached the top of the mountain yet and there are problems in you that need repair.

      But when you arrive at that beautiful “Garden of Eden”, the warm light of self love, you can only feel pity for these heartless souls. You will know and trust your instinct that their recognition of wrong, apology and true empathy for you is not possible for these people. You will know this and the warm light of your trusted self awareness will shine all over it. You will feel no threat. You will know exactly your part in all of it. It will not distress you any more then pity my strees a normal heart.

      this can be a sad moment as these people my be you partner of may years, the parent of you children, you own family and you will feel sorry for them.

      Compassion is a combination of pity and the act of doing something about it. This may happen. It can only happen from your position of self love and awareness. From that poing people often arrange methods of care for their disorderred relatives. These people slip into the kaos that can be old age much earlier then people who have emotional inteligence and self love.

      Still in this time it is done with nothing more then pity. You may also have the ability by then to join in on the pretentions of the fake life of the afflicted relative, without loosing site of your true self.

    • Hi Anne,

      this is so wonderful that you have become a part of this community and that you don’t feel alone anymore…

      It is so fabulous that you are being real with your children, and that you are feeling so much better ‘on the inside’.

      It will be wonderful when you can fully claim ‘being happy’ as your Divine Right because it truly is…

      You are so welcome Anne and truly regardless of your post being so long it is inspirational and I am sure many people can relate to the growth you are experiencing – as well as the knowing ‘there is no turning back’…

      It is so true that when we understand deeper truths, we simply cannot go backwards – we can only keep committing to growth and truth.

      Thank you for sharing.

      Mel xo

  45. This part of the article that I have copied at the end of my comment is saying the following, for me.

    Religous families and organisations often deny the children a chance to develop normal emotional inteligence. This is a common pathway to personality disorders and emotional distress. Self denial is mandatory for example, in the Catholic and baptist church. Children are taught to deny their human instincts and follow an iron age doctrine written in the Dark Ages.

    Here is the section of the article that i belive makes this allegation and rightly so.

    “How We Started to Disconnect From Our Intuition

    The disconnection from our intuition started from a very young age.

    For example we may have known that there was something wrong in our family – yet our mother and father lied to us – they told us a different version from what was really happening. We knew the truth deep inside of us, yet our parents (our authorities at that age) told us something different and as a result we started to distrust ourself. In fact the data we felt and the ‘reality’ we were told were completely different stories.

    So we ‘learnt’ that our gut was wrong.

    Additionally if we were not taught to believe in ourself, trust ourself and that our feelings and thoughts were valid or worthy – why would we believe in our inner feelings?

    Not being emotionally authentic is disastrous for children and breeds co-dependency horrifically. In fact many psychological studies have uncovered that families that were honest, even if extreme trauma occurred, created much healthier children than when lies prevailed, even when conditions were nowhere near as abusive.

    • Hi Coomadoug,

      most definetely I agree that outer authorities and doctrinations strip emotional inner intelligence.

      Being taught inherent unworthiness, and generations of people who are not filled with the peace and solidness of self-love and self-acceptance automatically creates self-rejection, which creates emotional reaction (triggers from disowned parts) rather than emotional mastery…

      It is a human condition of varying proportions, unless people were either educated with healthy emotional mirroring or have done this essential work on themself.

      Mel x

  46. Mel, it’s amazing the knowlege u have regarding this behavioral disorder. I have been married to a N for 18 yrs. I have left him 4 times, but he always draws me back, with lovebombing, material things, trips and all. He is very intelligent and charming. I never knew his emotional and mental abuse was done on purpose. I always made excuses because he is also African and I thought it was cultural. No one would believe the things he has done such as pretend he had cancer and was dying. He even lost 40 pounds and told our kids he didn’t have lone to live just so I would come back. 4 months later he was the picture of health and gained his weight and all. The stories go on and on. I have never been so depressed and at my lowest, but thanks to u I have hope. Planning to leave in a few months ready to walk away from the houses and cars. He has almost depleted me. Now he is in the discarding phase. Even though it hurts I’m going through the pain and loneliness. Will be purchasing the program soon, and with God’s help I’m going to find me again and live a happy authentic life. Thanks, may God continue to work through you to help anyone going through this. I no longer feel alone.

    • Hi Lisa,

      truly I can’t take much of the credit – a lot of the information really is ‘channelled’…Also I have lived intimately with two narcs and of course over the last few years have connected with thousands of people on this topic…

      I am so glad you have hope, and truly you will make it – absolutely…

      Hugs and healing.

      Mel xo

  47. The inner Spirit

    There is often talk of inner spirit and spiritual strength and often in a way that suggests it is something beyond our true self. It can be a religous assumption that it is something else other then us. Well it is essential that we realise that this power is in us and it is our creative subconscious. It is not some fake god or extraneous power. It is us.

    This is a process of genetic development and evolution. Humans are equiped with a very powerful sub conscious instinc as are most animals.

    The other thing we must be aware of is the fact that this instinctive compass we all have is driven by reality. The heart has an image of our reality. There is an image of our true self. We have a self identity awarness within us, that is shaped by real events and things that actually happen to us.

    Unfortunately it can be corrupted by other people who connect with us. The image can be damaged.

    There are ways to repair this and to get back to true reality by allowing the awarness of truth into the heart and to repair the self image.

    Our instincts are extremely sensitive and operate only on reality and awarness of the senses. We see things and compute the information rapidly and subconsciously. The subconscious then gives us urges and feelings about things in order to initiate defensive and offensive responses to all maner of threatenning and opportunistic situations.

    It is essential to know that this is not some extraneous religous power as described by some self delluded religous nutter.

    it is indeed us. Believing that this intuition is from somewhaer other then our true self is the beginning of the transition to a narcissistic denial.

    • Hi Allan,

      I totally agree that our inner being – the greater part of ourself is already who we are..

      Yes it is about releasing the falsities of the beliefs we have accumulated / accepted and returning to Source where truth and the true healing takes place, when taken into the subconscious. What you are describing is actually the QFH process (condensed)..

      Your theory is truth – it is spot on.

      Thank you for your wonderful share which I thoroughly agree with.

      Mel xo

  48. I met my Narc at 15 1/2 and now at 53 I am FREE–the divorce was final a month ago and in this last 13 months I have grown and found MYSELF. I have a wonderful theraphist and this newletter to guide me. Once i broke free of him I stopped other “users” in my life and have disconnected from them as well. I am working on loving and caring for ME–no time for users or abusers.
    To ALL of you–you can be happy and free–one day at a time. Once you accept the one you love simply CAN’T be what you long for–that 37 years of Love,nurturing,caring COULD NOT Change him or make him happy and that Surely another 37 years would not either.
    KNOW that you did all you could,gave all you could and it is time to SAVE YOURSELF!
    Please don’t wait 37 years like I did!!

  49. Hi, Melanie, and thank you for another fantastic article! Looking back I can almost pinpoint the exact moment in my childhood when I began to doubt my perception of reality. I was 9, my mom (who was a good human, but who dysfunctionally dealt with (not) her problems by drinking) drove into the driveway tipsy or drunk and ran over a small tree beside it. I ran crying hysterically into the house, crying for the tree. She came into my room and proceeded to harshly berate me, because our neighbor had suffered a heart attack that day and was in the hospital and yet I sat there crying over a tree! Well, hmmm, as I child I dutifully sat and thought about what a horrible human I was to put the life of a tree above human life. Now, let’s see, (1) I had not even KNOWN the neighbor had suffered a heart attack and (2) my mom was merely deflecting the issue of her driving drunk by changing the subject and BLAMING me, and (3) if she was so upset over the neighbor, why didn’t she go visit him in the hospital instead of going drinking? I couldn’t reason any of this at the time. She shamed me and I unquestioningly absorbed it. So trusting my own perceptions was always a problem. I remember once in highschool when she once had me convinced that I had skipped school because she thought she saw me in a car with a boy during the day. I caught myself mid-thought and had to remind myself that she couldnt have seen ME because I knew I’d been in school! In the beginning of my relationship with the narc, I started feeling “insecure.” He seemed so understanding about that, he said it was just because my last bf was such a jerk, but now I was with someone who loved me, etc. However, instead of asking myself WHY I felt insecure with him, I paid for 3 hypnosis sessions to try to rid myself of it! (lol) I recall as he seemed to already be cooling off a few months in, asking him if the honeymoon was over. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, of course not why would you say such a thing? However, my inner self was already picking up on his self-absorbtion. “Talking about things” was just too “Dr. Phil and Oprah” for this man! Then noticing little inconsistencies (lies) such as he owned his own home and didnt have to worry about a mortgage. I looked at the tax rolls and he was not the person listed as owner. So what do I do? I DID NOT CONFRONT HIM, I told myself, he only said that to impress me because he wants me to like him. YES I WAS CRAZY! I lied to myself to believe his lie. He later slipped when he mentioned needing to pay the rent. I said I thought you owned it? He said, well I’m buying it from the owner. OH, so then I could tell myself, see??? That explains why not on the tax roll (even though I know that when buying on contract, the buyer pays taxes same as if mortgaged). After all was over and I met his ex, she told me it had been her rent house and he took over renting when she left. The point of this is that I literally allowed him to interpret facts and events for me, to his liking, exactly as I had done as a child. I never trusted my instincts or intuition. After a year and a half of struggling to believe it was genuine and several breakups, I finally decided I SHOULD be able to talk to him about anything, including his lack of accountability, which always caused the breakups although he ALWAYS blamed me for leaving no matter what behavior of his had led to it. He never met me half way or admitted any error on his part. Well, insted of actually have a talk for once, he completely stonewalled me and told me we weren’t going to talk about anything, and if I didnt like the way he rolled, I could hit the highway. Which I did, only to be hoovered back one last time for the curtain call and the final discard. This man was so perplexing, he was not even that sexual – work, drink, sleep. He would be bragging about himself, and yet let it drop that he actually hated himself. In closing, let me just say that “frankly my dear, I dont give a damn” because I am healing and loving myself now, and that veil of self-imposed ignorance is lifted, I validate my own self. I can now trust my gut reaction, and I will walk away from anyone that I feel insecure around, whatever the reason. Bad vibes? I know now that my subconscious was picking up on clues that my conscious was shutting down in order to continue my fantasy relationship. I did so want it to be true. The structure was there, the substance wasn’t. I felt ignored and dismissed around him, and I denied and excused it. I paid the price. And I’m happy that I finally feel my age and not 9 years old anymore. I’m an adult and want to live the rest of my life on earth in my own body, loving and trusting myself FIRST and never giving my power away like that again. This article has so many clear and excellent bullet points, Melanie, you are doing a great service to humanity, thank you always and forever. Articles like this help people in the fog to find their way out.

    • Hi Cindy,

      That is incredible to be able to pinpoint this moment – wow!

      Oh yes how many of us can attest to not confronting the narcs inconsistencies because we made allowances for insecurities – and later we didn’t because of fear of umbrage?

      You have hit the nail on the head Cindy – and it is incredibly honest and empowering – we LIED TO OURSELVES! Absolutely and the truth was we were fearful of having to face the truth, lose the relationship and start again…as hard as that may be to accept – it is the truth.

      Yes Cindy there is no win here on breakups – either what you did caused him to leave or you had absolutely no right to call time out for atrocious abusive behaviour that the narcissist refuses to be accountable for.

      The truth is the breakups get more frequent, more toxic and less and less resolved, and the issues that continually occur are in full blown repeat.

      Once the cracks appear they just get deeper and deeper.

      You have done a fanatastic job Cindy of loving you, honouring you and aligning with you!

      I am sure many people will find your post wonderfully inspirational…and you are so welcome :)

      Mel xo

  50. Hi Melanie

    I loved your article. You have helped me so much over the past year. I think the part me that resonates with the N is that they purposefully set out out to destroy people. They don’t care who you are; you are potentially their next target. I lost trust for a while there, but it is returning. I also know that how I came to know N is not something I would normally do, and I new it wasn’t right from the start, but then ended up in a place that I wanted to get out of but I was somehow hooked. It was truly bizarre.

    Thank You again Mel for your wisdom that is inside us but sometimes we choose to ignore through fear.

    • Hi Debra,

      I am glad you resonated with the article.

      This is very important to understand – narcs actually dont go out to purposefully destroy people. They simply do what narcs do – use people as objects for narcissistic supply. It is not that they are particularly sadistic – it is they simply don’t have a perhipheral to care..

      Narcissists are serving one master – the False Self, and it is in relentless need to be admired, feared, adored, special, unique and ‘fed’ the right information to sustain itself.

      Yes narcs punish people who ‘let down’ the False Self – who don’t support it – and love partners are inevitably going to fall into this category.

      Then the narcissist watches him or herself like a ‘mirage’ carrying out atrocious acts, or at the very least devaluing and discarding the person who is not sustaining the False Self sufficiently – and truly he or she has very little control over doing this..

      Think of the False Self like a ‘bodysnatcher’…it controls the narc mercilessly, and the narcissist can bearly relate to what the narcissist does .. hence why incredible lack of accountability and immediate projection on to the other person as ‘you did it’…Honestly in most cases the narcissistic mind is so warped by the take over of the False Self that he or she pathologically believes it was ‘you’ that just did what he or she did.

      Narcissism is a disease…incurable at that level…and it is NOT personal. The narcissist is not setting out to purposely destroy anyone – the narcissist is simply being a narcissist. This is why it is so important to heal, depersonalise it and make it Not Your Reality ever again.

      Mel xo

  51. Yes, I always felt it was very odd that a married and apparently happily married man would tell me he wandered around my house imagining which window was mine. That he would wake me up with charming words every day, and stay connected chatting for the whole day, Monday to Friday, often with sexual innuendo. That he would say he wished I had come to his life before his wife, that he would be the happiest man on earth if he could be with me, and on the next day tell me I had imagined flirtation from his part because I wanted him to like me.

    It wasn’t just odd, it was obvious. He showered me with compliments and then asked about my feelings for him. Then he would say he never fell in love with his wife.
    So obvious, but I wanted to believe he was confused because he had fallen in love with me and didn’t want to hurt the wife.

    After months of being discarded, I finally feel more connected to my intuition. But sometimes I still don’t know what is my intuition what is simply my own fear telling me to back off.

    • Hi Carol,

      What you are describing is gaslighting – narcs are famous for what you have described when keeping people hooked yet at a distance…

      A ‘come on’ that is then reneged…but of course the linger of the ‘come on’ and the confusion about ‘what he said’ remains.

      The truth is any behaviour that feels confusing and off – is manipulation – pure and simple. And it is all about the narcissist feeding the ego (the False Self) in keeping people hooked into ‘hoping for more’. It makes the narcissist feel admired, wanted and desirable (all feelings the False Self requires to offset feelings of being unloveable and defective).

      It also helps ensure future source of supply if supply runs thin. I have said this before it is akin to a crocodile storing pieces of meat under different rocks.

      Err toward confusion, unsettled emotions and feeling manic pulls is your inutuion screaming at you – ‘ DANGER! Get away and stay away”..

      Mel xo

      • Well yes, now I believe so. And like so many, I thought he was my soulmate. After 6 months of patient love bombing and eventual gaslighting, as you described, he got what he wanted: I was hooked and had told him about my entire life, my traumas and deepest feelings…

        It was fortunate that I was in therapy, so I could not ignore my intuition anymore. After months of daily contact, sharing thoughts, feelings and actions, he knew me enough to make up his mind. One day I told him calmly and respectfully that I loved him, but if he had any feelings for me he would have to decide or quit being seductive and treat me as a friend. I was prepared to hear that he would quit, and I felt it would have been all ok if it had ended right there. I would feel bad for a while but put myself together and go on…

        But to him, that was an attack and it meant war. He began by using passive agressive bevaviour to try and control me, then by demanding I quit university so that I would have more time for him. (He was unhappy because, after 5 months of the fairy tale, I went back to university to get a 2nd graduation degree, and since I work full time, life became pretty busy. Typical example of overfunctional co-dependent tendencies… Isn’t it?)

        Well, as I ignored his demand, he started to insult me by inverting many of the things he previously said about how wonderful I was. I was shaken, but decided to retreat and stop seeing him, avoiding even events with friends in common.

        He got really angry with my distance, and started to use all my traumas and insecurities, all things I had given him access to, to crush my feelings.

        I was severely abused as a child and a teenager – spanking, bullying, verbal and sexual abuses by family members, I had it all. And I carried all my traumas through life, showing evident signs of Avoidant Personality, carrying the belief that I was not only unworthy and unlovable, but also guilty. He knew all that, and used it all against me. I was treating these things in therapy, so I feared self-sabotage because I usually ran from relationships for fear of punishment and abandonment. It was a struggle for me to convince myself that he really wasn’t good for me.

        To add a little more pain to all this scenario, his wife was horribly jealous. I cannot blame her for that, since he would be charming and follow me with his eyes even in her presence, but she also started to humiliate and discredit me. He told her his version of how I liked him, and she started calling me no less then a slut. They managed to turn our friends against me, and I was feeling so guilty, even with my gut screaming I was not, for I never made any advances, waiting patiently for him to “decide”.

        I went through all the accusations and humiliations believing that, one day, he would realize what he did. They divorced after two months. At the same period, he lost his job for storming at the company’s owner after receiving criticism.

        After all that, I was still hooked. I felt he needed love and help, and I contacted him. The collapses in his life were bound to make him think about his behaviour, I thought. And all the love he said he had for me had to be there somewhere.

        But he crushed me with horrible accusations and manipulation again and I left, crying and trying to recompose myself.

        Then after 9 months, he came back saying he was sorry. He was all sweet again but – wait, Carol, he was in a new relationship only a week after breaking up with his wife. And it was a woman from his former job, one who he once told me was dumb, and was nothing compared to me. Ouch. Red flag.

        I told him that saying he is sorry is not nearly enough, that he would have to show me that, through real actions. And voilá, sweetness gone. I’m currently practicing “no contact”, but thankfully our friends have now realized they were manipulated and are restablishing contact, so we eventually meet quickly at events.

        This is a crucial moment for me. I feel it all different since I read your article on co-dependency, and how the reasons for my suffering reside much more in myself than anyone or anything else. I feel very proud that, even with a few mistakes, I managed to take care of myself and impose limits to his influence on my life.

        I know this will all be gone soon, and I will be able to thoroughly live and be who I want to be: a good, positive force not only to myself, but to people around me.

        Wow, that was an immense post. I guess I had to get it out of the chest…


  52. Hi Melanie,another great article,just a question I’ve been in no contact for 5 months now since the episode at end of November which she lured me in again after our break up at end of June last year,I’ve just noticed that she has now joined a dating website im on,and please tell me if im wrong in over analyzing this,but it dawned on me that for her username she used her maiden name and added my ex wife’s first name on end of it,what’s her purpose in that to lure me back as she once said as a joke after an argument wouldn’t it be funny if we met again on a dating site,is it to play with my head,lure me back or to rub my nose in it,after I exposed her to her family and others back in November when she was playing me and had someone else on the side? I know it’s an illness and guess after reading so much about their antics it still puzzles me as to why they do it.one day I may fully understand their complex personality.

    • Hi Claude,

      please understand this narcs are after attention…even energetic…which means simply you thinking about her…

      There is really only one thing you need to know about narc behaviour – it is ALL about narc supply – pure and simple.

      So this means if she can get your head ticking, if she can get you thinking about her, bothered by her, complexed by her, angry at her, obsessing about her…etc etc etc it means ‘she does exist’…

      Without people hooked, obsessed…and without her being the ‘centre of people’s Universes’ she is a no-person, a non-entity who would have to face the horrific truth that is constantly gnawing at her that she is in fact dead on the inside, and feels that she is not WORTHY of existing..

      She certainly cannot produce these feelings of worthiness, wholeness, and being acceptable and loveable for herself..

      I highly recommend if you ever want to know the real truth about narcs to read Sam Vakin’s book Malignant Self Love – it is straight from the horse’s mouth…and truly when I read it and really felt into it – it resonated as incredible powerful truth – and explained everything…

      All of the dots connected as to ‘why’ they do that..100%.

      Once you ‘get it’ it does make perfect sense and ceases to be nearly as personal…

      Narcissism is a disease and much more horrible to the diseased than it is for you as the ‘victim’.

      You can create a healthy and real life and partner yourself and the loving, healthy resources of life which are avaliable to you, the narcissist simply cannot.

      Mel xo

  53. I just got a text message from my former partner. She congratulated me for being a great father, life coach and mentor for so many years. She stopped short of “good husband”. I was however the very best husband she could ever have had and but for me she would be dead several times over. In fact, although we live seperate lives, i am still a good provider and in many ways better and more substaintive then her new partner of 4 years.

    Still, even though not together 4 years I provide for her. I pay her bills, provide income, health insurance and security as she lives her life with another man. He is a good man. But the chances of her becoming psychotic and destitute are very high. So in the interest of the need to care for the mother of my three children, i retain this process through practical necessity. In the event that we totally split and i cease care, she may end up on the street and i would again be the carer in a team work process with my kids. If i did not do this i would not find peace with myself ever. i do this knowing it is right and with a joy.

    The text message is one of three messages i can remember that brought a tear to my eye. This time however, i held myself together and did not allow myself to feel this as a spontaneous truth. Text messages are absent of body language and can be written by a logical manipulative mind devoid of true self and heart. Instead i am thinking, what this may lead too or is it a signal that she is near to psychosis.

    One time a few years ago she sent a text that brought tears rushing from my eyes and i rushed home with a heart of joy. Wow, so suddenly an intimate emotional response from her, so wonderful.

    But on arriving home, within 10 minutes walk she threw furniture and food at me, screaming messages of dreadful hate

  54. Hi Melanie, SOUND FAMILAR – Absolutely !!! ……… Twists & Turns and one Unbelievable Lesson to be learned………. 6 months on & I thought I was tough enough to ride this out – then as soon as I see her then pain returns. Signing up for NARP next week Mel as soon as i get paid! – Winners never quit & Quitters never win . I’m going to beat this horrific pain that I feel . Being discarded & replaced like I never existed when life seemed so perfect so quickly burns me to the bone . Yet I still sooooo love her !!!!!! Go figure that !

    • Hi Mark,

      yes it is the same dance – the same twists, turns and hooks – absolutely!

      This is why NC is imperative…And it is very true that there is relief when you do the inner work, and more than that – there is true liberation.

      The feelings of ‘love’ are your unhealed parts still connected up – I promise you when you do the work on these you will break free, and you will have your clarity and freedom.

      Mel xo

  55. Melanie, I’ve been receiving your newsletters and reading your articles for about two months now. I even found your podcast! I must say you are truly doing God’s work. Your words and tools have CHANGED MY LIFE! I went back and forth with my narc for 2 years and I’m finally truly free. I always blamed my “big heart” as to why I couldn’t resist him. I was always trying to make sense of his actions which I now know is impossible. YOU have made things make sense to me now! Thank you for sharing your stories and helping the rest of us get out from under such a draining relationship.

  56. +10 Mel,
    You nailed it.

    Thanks for the confirmation of my dismal past and as usual your wise understanding of the solutions.

    Seven months of Narc Free Life in the no contact zone for me. Believe it or not I am truely feeling forgiveness for myself and even for the narc(poor dear).

    Your last few blogs have been very timely for me as I proceed(mostly merrily) with the inner work of healing and connecting with myself. Well there have been some tears too.

    I can’t thank you and all the others on this journey for the insights, love and support.

    • Hi Bill,

      You are very welcome, and that is wonderful that you have been able to move into the heart space of forgiveness – and absolutely forgiveness for yourself is huge…as well as her.

      Tears are great and so much a part of releasing and reclaiming self – and it is lovely you shared that here!

      I agree that we are so blessed to have such a beuatiful community of growth, love, sharing and healing…

      Mel xo

  57. Hi Mel, your article and everyone’s responses have been compelling reading for me. I too saw and dismissed the red flags from my ex narc within one week of meeting him. The sullen stare and bad mood when I arrived at his house and my confusion and need to make things right as I was made to feel at fault. Pretty much like frogs in cold water slowly being boiled to death , things escalated and I went back to him after mind bending abuse. I just got used to the extreme situations and they became normal. I have tentatively been dating a new guy and already I feel that some things are not making sense. I have felt that my feelings have been discounted as “weird” and also find that I am being told some lovely words, but kept at arms length. I may be at fault here for wanting truth and clarity around the situation and it could be threatening for him, but all I can do is speak my truth and as you say Mel, choose what I will and will not participate in. It is hard as I do like him, but I know it is harder to ignore red flags and get hooked and damaged. XXJane

    • Hi Jane,

      That is so true what you have written about being slowly boiled to death – it is very true that incremently our boundaries became less and less, until we kept going back after acts that we can’t even fathom as acceptable – ones you have describes as ‘mind-bending abuse’…which they absolutely were.

      It is so important Jane to speak your truth totally – be 100% authentic, and you will know…this is not about dismissing ANY of those niggly feelings, it is about going straight to the truth on them – and you will 100% know the results when you do.

      You are NEVER at fault for wanting clarity and truth, and if you are calm, clear and authentic and that is a ‘problem’ for him – then you totally have your answer.

      You are unlimited, there is no ‘lack’ and therefore if this guy is not the right person for you, it will clear the space for a man who is.

      Honour you and life will honour you – DON’T allow yourself to make the same mistake again…because you certainly don’t need to.

      Mel xo

  58. Hi mel. I just want to share with you my healings so far. ….I have been in no contact zone now for 8 months . I initially accessed your e books to get clarity and felt some relief but knew there was so much fear and self doubt etc that I still had to clear… I purchased the narp program in January . The first module was so powerful , brought up so much I feared doing the next one so I put it off until two months of still trying to heal through my mind ! I realised enough was enough and started the program again in march and have stuck with it! I’ve just completed module 9 and feel so much calmer in my mind with it all. I’m on the right path to neutral and the shame and sadness of whom I became whilst enmeshed is lifting quite powerfully! I can’t relate now to having put up with the junk I did from him … It’s like it happened to someone I used to know! I guess that summarises I have changed and got strong! After 3 months of no contact and attracting a narc type character again in my life that i dismissed after 6 weeks ! it freaked me out to be honest and I realised I had to take responsibility for my Unhealed stuff so I would never attract that in my life again!!! I really had had enough! Freedom is def owning your own emotions and healing them without judgement! I still have anxious moments and when they appear I know I have another layer to get through but have no fear around it now! Thank you for all your support , kindness and wisdom! X

    • Hi Victoria,

      I am glad that you have realised how difficult it is to ‘heal through your mind’ and even though the inner subconscious shifts (QF Healing) can feel gut wrenching (especially at first with the big stuff) how they really do produce the powerful breakthrough results.

      That is so wonderful you are looking back at your former self like a ‘memory’ of being this person – that is how you know how much you have shifted!

      It is incredible when we ‘have had enough’…that is when we roll up our sleves and take full responsibility and know that we need to if we want our life to be different….and it is wonderful you did this – because that is when the real changes happen.

      Yay – gorgeous – you have dropped the self-judgement and the self-rejection and embrace and love you enough to listen to what your emotions are telling you and go to them to heal and transform them – because that is the TRUE key!

      You are so welcome, and I am so happy for you that you are partnering you! Divine stuff!

      Mel xo

  59. I have been guilt ridden for ignoring the full blown freeway barricade, pyrotechnic fireworks STOP DONT WALK R U N intuitive promptings that I blatantly ignored…I owe everyone here and especially Mel gratitude for the courage and self esteem you show by posting…for me even to write here is an affirmation that I am worthy and hard to do for me. Also, so many seemingly small points that each of you share WOW at me…about the sheer draining exhaustion in the presence of the Narc (how I “needed his love” but felt immediate relief when he left the house , the devalue and disgard (one woman a fire) in my case my missing child or really any normal need… the aha moment to learn that I am the flipside of the same Narc coin, a codependent, my fears about believing in loving, giving, honest people manifesting as I radiate the same. The gaslighting a term I never knew (I kept telling him “what are you talking about I’m brilliant!” probably why he left)…my integrity position with him always grasping for sanity… Mostly Mel… all the naming of what I participated in and learning from you about how to build a bridge to my true self… “it doesn’t matter what you did or didnt he would never have stayed” … “tit for tat bizarre communication behavior” “turning the tables and violently so for any perceived slight”…. I’ll spot the Narc earlier and several blocks away now and ask myself “how do I feel when I am with this person?”….plus I didn’t have a chance with “love bombing” … my well so dry I was a cartoon traveller in the dessert so thirsty I drank sand and the Narc mirage made me believe it was water…. thank you all so very much for all your shares and the Divine Truth in Mel for creating NARP and this format. xx Donna P.S. My soul hears through all of you where the REAL WELL IS…inside me but I have to dig out the rocks and roots to get there.

    • Hi Donna,

      yes you have nailed it all here – how much our emotions were SCREAMING at us the horrific pain and fear of what was happening and how unsafe these relationships truly are – and how little sense they make with the pathological out of bounds behaviour.

      Yes the real well is inside all of us – totally – and the real courage in life comes from meeting every rock, root (pain or fear about totally loving and becoming a source to ourself) to truly connect to this well.

      Then we can co-create, attract and share more of the same in life – The REAL deal.

      Thank you for your wonderful post.

      Mel xo

    • Hi Victoria,


      Universal Law – just is – and it means every single human being is a true creator – 100% responsible for their experience..

      If stuff hurts from the outside it means there is stuff hurting on the inside – stuff which was ALREADY there.

      No-one else can ever fix that – it is everyone’s sole (soul) job.

      Mel xo

  60. P.S. Mel the patience you have in repeating he Narc Behaviors of no energy no self, false self, hyper vigilance of every nuance essential to the constant manipulation… my own denial wouldn’t allow me to let the information in until you repeated them into my consciousness..I needed and am grateful for your patience and persistence in your passion for healing Narc experience creators! ¨xxoo

  61. Dear Melonie:
    Thank you for this. Lately I have been searching the internet for red flag signs because I have dipped my foot in the water when it comes to trying to date again. But this article made me realize I don’t need the internet to know the red flags. I need to nurture myself and in time I will be able to read, in the intuitive and emotional sense. It’s not safe for me right now although its been a year. I am 35 and if I have been out of tune with my intuition since the age of like 5, it’s going to take a lot longer than a year to get back on track. My intuition has told me several times in a week that I am not ready to date and once again I was about to ignore the signal. I even rationalized saying that it’s okay to make new friends to myself. And it is okay but I felt highly pressured by a couple of prospects and I wanted to run like hell, became super fearful, and anxious. Then I got this article in email today and unfortunately I am still looking for outside data to confirm what I already know. Thank goodness you came through for me and mean well. Well, time for Quantam Freedom Healing. You are such an inspiration to me and I know that I am on the right path.

    • Hi Deante,

      You are very welcome.

      It is definetely wise to become very comfortable with partnering yourself before trying to create ‘that from the outside’…

      And it is fantastic that you are honouring this…because it could save you a lot of heart ache, a lot of pain and not having to go back to the drawing board again..

      By doing the inner work you will be on the right path – solid and know you will get it right.

      Time to mate with the most important love you will ever be or have – YOU…then this will be reflected back to you through the eyes of a beloved.

      Mel xo

  62. I saw a whole field of red flags, but wanted the “married with children” life. I knew there were issues with my upbringing. I was loved, but loved by a very critical parent giving me little to no self esteem. I stayed married almost 30 years and I am looking forward to the next 30 years of freedom. Freedom to do whatever I want. GOD has freed ME! Thank you for your help Melanie.

    • Hi Jana,

      settling for ‘stuff’ that someone else may be able to provide for you is a recipe for disaster…and a huge ‘gap’ that has created many narcissistic hookups.

      This is fantastic that you have claimed your freedom, and your self…

      You are so welcome Jana, and thank you for your inspirational and joyous post!

      Mel xo

  63. Interestingly this is my 3rd Narcissistic relationship and rather than believe something was “off” with them, which my intuition was telling me loud and clear I instead created the belief that I was no good in relationships. I told myself that if I could just improve in some way then the next one might be “normal”. Now I know that the only improvement I need to make is to trust my inner voice and act on it quickly. Thanks for a great article Melanie.

    • Hi Anna,

      that is wonderful that you are seeing that you can honour and back what your emotions are telling you – and know you deserve to.

      It is very important for everyone to realise that a narc is a narc – it is only disordered individuals who have the capacity to operate in the irreverent, soul-disconnected ways that a narcissist can…and it wouldn’t matter what you did or didn’t do.

      Once these behaviours appear you know this person (a True Self) has been taken over by a False Self…and a healthy relationship is impossible – there are no resolutions or real love possible.

      What is important is not just listening to intuition, it is also about claiming, embracing and healing the unhealed parts within us that have lead us into relationships with narcissists – the parts that have not allowed us to be a true unconditionally loving source to ourself.

      Our intuition is the warning device, the real work is on our inner belief systems.

      Mel xo

  64. I have always been extremely intuitive, so the red flags were waving hello, i’m a prick. I watched, listened, and questioned with disbelief with everything he said. Challenged him with his distorted view,but didn’t realise the depth of denial,and self centredness, that always prevails when dealing with these toxic people. I just had to except that my pollyanna view, that at the heart of some people they possess no integrity. Im now’ aware that this was a trigger for me, a need to change within others, to assist them in developing integrity. It’s such a compulsion still, how do I address this,I find myself trying to putting myself into that frame of mind,to experience what it feels like to understand, but it feels alien and corrupted.Pls assist.

    • Hi Kate,

      This is a very good post – and one of the biggest lessons about narcissists and narcissistic abuse.

      Whenever we hold another person responsible for our wellbeing we not only forfeit our personal power, we also rob ourselves of the freedom of authentic and joyous co-creation with life as to what our values are, how we want our life to look and what ‘realities’ we seek.

      If we look at a specific human being and say ‘My happiness, and my emotional relationship with myself depends on YOU changing and being different to how you are presently being’…we are in BIG trouble – because that is our own entrapment.

      This is the deal – you are here to gain control and mastery of your own emotional relationship with yourself – period.

      We all are…and then we can and will attract like-minded souls who also are not feeding off, or trying to manipulate or force others to be a certain way in order to make themselves feel more whole or worthy…

      The truth is we are always creating ‘ourself’ anyway….how we feel about others love, and life is between us and us, and then what gets reflected back to us via others is always a match for our inner beliefs – therefore any attempt of control of the ‘outer’ is futile anyway, and only creates ‘more of’ what we are trying to stop.

      I hope this makes sense.

      Mel xo

      • Sort of makes sense, I’m reliving my mothers feeling of repulsion she made me feel for her, I’m thinking that i’m trying to relive and remake the past so I can feel wholesome,something I fought for, to take her feeling of dirtiness away from by sense of self. I’m stuck however,her vile,corrupted and anti-social mindset, projection and abuse lingers within me.
        This is even though I’ve not contacted her in 20yrs.

  65. Thank you so much Melanie for your articles. And also to the posters that we all can relate to. After I found your site about two months ago, I finally can begin a path to recovery because now I have answers to what was off in me. Of the bit I have read, a couple of session from Narp, I find that often I can not get through very far before I’m overcome with emotion and pain. It exhausts me to help myself. I’ve lived this way for 40 some years and only now have the answers I was looking for. Sometimes I even wonder which is worse living in it or breaking free. It’s the work that needs to be done as in others posts as well, sometimes the “time after” is harder then the time in it. I also realize the more I delve into self discovery and therapy, the more I realize how askew I really am.

    Its so hard to build up confidence when these lessons force us to see that we lack self confidence. Funny that anyone that knows me or I should say the false me would never know this lack, in fact they would swear the opposite and may even say at times I am full of myself. But I now am beginning to see this was a defense mechanism that I created throughout my life to deal or defend myself. But now that I am learning to separate what is truly me and what is truly an illusion, I feel so empty with this huge void and I think sometimes I just need a new partner to make me whole again-which is exactly what co-dependents do. So if I don’t scratch the itch and I’ve separated the illusion, what is left? This is what is hard for me. I don’t know where to start, when each time I go through a lesson, it takes all I have left. After my 3rd narcissistic long term relationship ended (2 marriages and one engagement), the last one I left 1 month before he would have gotten his k-visa from me. He didn’t get me, but I left him and his sex addictions, destructive behavior and physical abuse and being told all the time I was the problem. It took a friend in the midst of that relationship to explain to me that she thought I was a codependent, having been one herself, she recognized in me what I had never heard of. And I finally realized I was attracting these men because how could it be that it keeps happening to me. And I am still dealing with the last husband who was a silent but deadly narcissist who has made it his last words to destroy me after I left him when he began to discard me, divorced in 2009 and still in court over this crazy man. We have a child together and have a no contact order (thankfully). But it has nearly destroyed my child and he took everything from me, my reputation, my freedom, my business, my home, and stuck me with a huge mortgage and doesn’t pay child or housing costs in 3 yrs. He has 4 attorneys I have none. He makes 150k and me and my daughter barely surviving. He tried to turn my daughter away from me too but one thing I have is honesty with her and even she knows what I am learning and I communicate this to her as I fear he and I have created a future co-dependent now. He tried to destroy our relationship. And then I jumped into foreign guy that nearly killed me. After 1.5 years of being alone, now that I started therapy I met someone and I don’t even know how to tread. I wasn’t expecting to meet him like that. I do not feel I can trust myself, but I also don’t want to loose the opportunity because I am lonely and he is so nice to me and I do like him and it feels good that someone is interested in me again. but I’m afraid I have not conquered changing my energy vibrations enough yet to attract a quality man. So I keep looking for the red flags, keep looking for lies, keep doubting him etc. And I even told him what I’m going through realizing Ive just given ammo to a narcissist would be, yet again…I want to believe his words and maybe he is right that he does not want to be judged because of the last guys. How do you know?

    Thank you so much for all you do. I am so happy that one day I found you by accident and after 44 years of life and at least 26 years of wondering what was wrong…people like you and my friend that opened my eyes to co-dependency may have just saved my life.

    • Hi NMKMSO,

      You are very welcome for the articles.

      It is very normal at the start when you roll up your sleeves to feel overwhelmed…and yes everything inside will want to not go through the ‘slog’ and stay the way it is…

      That is normal..

      It is when we look at the bigger picture we know that self-avoiding means what we are feeling now is ONLY going to get worse, and certainly as you know when in narcissistic relationships (because you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t) there is no way to durably feel better…

      You will only ever receive devalue, projection, discard and more than likely infidelity and betrayal….all of which is devestating, and the more powerless you feel the worse theses torturous events feel.

      Then of course being with ‘self’ can feel incredibly empty – until the digging down into and shifting beliefs occurs…

      Another partner to try to escape the pain is not going to work either. Truly it is not time to be in another relationship yet – not until you can feel solid, happy and whole within yourself. Until then you are playing Russian Roulette trying to co-create a healthy relationship.

      So the truth is you have to do the work on yourself to get out of the pain and the pattern – and yes at first it is going to get worse before it gets better…and it does need to be a relationship free zone and a commitment to yourself without distractions.

      When first starting NARP it will hurt – feeling the intense inner pain, but then when releasing and doing the healings regularly – you will start to feel relief and ‘space’…in fact many people do as early as the first few sessions they do…It is a matter of really wanting to FEEL the pain and claim it so that the QFH process can spiral it up and out and create the transformation – and it does work when you know this needs to be done – when you have had ENOUGH and you know the truth if what needs to happan to chnage your life forever.

      It is also about loving ourselves enough to move past self-loathing (I don’t really care what happens) to self-love – I value, love and respect myself enough to do the very best for me that I can…

      Hang in there, and please know it does get better.

      Mel xo

  66. Hi Mel and all.
    This whole process is helping me a lot. I have not yet completed the first part of the Narp but I will soon.

    My narc partner was a young woman of just 26 years and with whom I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. That in itself creates problems for the no contact rule.

    Can I ask a really personal question somewhere it doesnt seem to be appropriate here?

    Many thanks,


    • Hi Lin,

      That is great that you have NARP…Yes it is difficult when children are involved to create full NC in some circumstances – and this is where Modified Contact needs to come in to play.

      Lin because you are on NARP – you can contact me direct by email.

      Mel xo

  67. Hi Melanie, I wish I would’ve found this website/blog on narcissism 2 1/2 years ago when the relationship with my N began. It would have saved me so much confusion and heartache! Almost from the beginning, I knew something was not right. After he heavily pursued me for months, we finally got together, but after a short three month honeymoon period where I felt I had found my absolute dream man (and he assured me that I was the love of his life and God’s hand picked mate for him), the glaring red flags began to appear. But because there was SO MUCH GOOD that I saw in him (or what I perceived as good and real), I ignored and rationalized his on and off hot /cold, loving/cruel behavior,because I was so incredibly attracted to him and because he had so convinced me that “we” were God’s will. How could I argue with that??

    Unfortunately, my greatest mistake was doubting myself and my gut feelings when these crazy things would happen. I even made a list of all his scary, intimidating, selfish, cold-hearted, mind-boggling behaviors, and that wasn’t even enough to help me to end the relationship for good. I know now that I was addicted to him…I never knew there was such a thing until I read your information on N’s, Melanie! What else could explain why in the world I would stay with a man that was, among good times, treating me with such utter and blatant disrespect and cruelty. In addition, at times when I needed him most (as in when my mother died), he was somehow always too busy or too tired to be there for me. But woe to me if I was not at his beck and call at all times. Such a double standard!

    This relationship didn’t meet my needs, was frustrating and lonely and caused me incredible stress and anxiety, mostly surrounding the question of whether i should marry him or not. He assured me that he was such a “great and humble servant of a guy”, that of course we would be so very happy. Even though my intuition told me otherwise, I believed (or wanted to believe) it was true. I thought I was just being way too sensitive (it shouldn’t bother me so much when he is horrible critical, when he yells at me, when he blames me for everything wrong in the relationship and when he ignores me for long periods of time) and he would tell me that I was expecting him to “be perfect”. I even sought out councel from our pastor who knows us both well, hoping to get some validation for my fears and concerns, but got no help form him. He couldn’t believe that Jeff could possibly act abusively.

    Finally, I decided to ask God to make my decision about whether he was “the one for me”. I simply couldn’t do it on my own. Too full of confusion and self-doubt! Well,I got my answer. Eventually my N would break up with me, and within ONE WEEK had met and already proposed to a woman he found online. And he emailed to let me know his good news. It has been 5 weeks and I’m still devastated that he could replace me so quickly!

    I know now that, as my precious gut feelings were screaming for me to acknowledge, our relationship was not about us at all, but
    about HIM!

    Although my head knows that he was NOT GOOD FOR ME, my heart is still in love with him. These N’s have so much power over us, if we let them have it. Crazy. Thanks to your empowering information, Melanie, I am committed to healing and moving forward in my life learning to love myself enough to never allow anyone to be treat me so poorly.
    What a crazy ride it’s been. But…the ride has been worth it if it’s brought me the gift of pursuing positive change in my life.

    Thank you for helping me and so many others in this process!!

    • Patti, my husband has Bpd, and even if we know that it is the right thing to be apart from our emotionally disordered partner, the discard is still shocking devastating and painful. Although, i was desperate frustrated and completely exhausted with my situation and him repeatedly failing to take responsibility for his behaviour and 100% share of his 50% share of our marriage, having enforced the tough love approach and with a clear ultimatum that he seek help for his behaviour, I ended my marriage for the very last time husband. Following which, having decided he couldn’t and didn’t want to live without me, he attempted suicide, ended up spending 4weeks being treated in a mental health unit of a hospital. During which time, (unbeknown to me until very recently) he met a new love partner and
      upon discharge, instantly discarded me, without a word of explanation. That is after 24years together and sharing everything. Some of these stories and behaviours from partners are truly beyond comprehension and soul shattering. I am very much struggling myself. I knew absolutely nothing about Bpd and Npd until the ending and him suddenly changing his attitude in a flick of a switch, discarding me, followed by his puzzling and brutal abusive, vile, hatred rage at me, wishing I was dead, spitting in my face and yelling how much I had hurt him and how it was all my fault.
      We have to take Mel’s advice and bring the focus back to ourselves, our own pain, truth and healing. I am finding it very difficult to do, but I believe and trust that it is the only way.
      While very sad and confusing, I am now beginning to see, just how much of a gift my 24 years and recent experience with my Borderline/Narc husband has bought me.
      Hope you and everybody else here can see the same.
      We all deserve peace and happiness, and I know that, it is within us all. Healing thoughts and wishes to you all.

    • Hi Patti,

      yes the disturbing and confusing factor with narcs is how much ‘good’ they present in amongst the totally unacceptable behaviour.

      It is not until we realise that the personality disorder is driven by one quest only – which is obtain supply (and not allow the defects/ cracks to appear) that we realise what the ‘good’ is really about – and that it is not about genuine character attributes – it is an agenda – a means to an end.

      It is great that force stepped in for you and showed you – and truly you did bring it to the point of ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – take responsibility that there is something very seriously wrong and do your best to heal it – because I want us to ‘work’ – and if you can’t or won’t do that I can’t be with you any longer.

      And you got your clear answer.

      He moved on because he can’t be alone with himself, and the ‘starting with someone else’ means the mask can be up for a while the charade can be reinstate and he can try to get his comfort love and security from ‘the outside’ (which is impossible) and the same cycles witll play out over and over again – because he has not healed on the inside what he needs to in order to be different in life.

      Every relationship he ever has will still be with ‘himself’.

      Be very proud of yourself that you honoured you – and I promise you that when you do the work on you – your vibration will change and this pattern will not be a part of your future, and one day a spectacular relationship will be your experience as a mirror of the genuine loving relationship you have created with yourself.

      Mel xo

  68. Melanie,
    Once again you have hit it right on the nose! I am one of those people who attracts people who need to be “healed” and I am the sucker who tries. Long ago my husband had a drug addiction and stopped. Then it became an alcohol addiction. When I met him he was the BIGGEST charmer. I knew something was “off” when I found a girl’s telephone number in possession. I should have stopped the relationship then, but didn’t. For nine years he hasn’t had a drink (which is good), but he gambles – alot. Over the years, I have become an angry person. He has taken so much from me. Money, pride, self-worth. He has told me that I need to seek counseling and that I need to be on medication. Through therapy and your blogs, I am able to see that this is a hopeless marriage. I will soon be attending sessions with a local group relating to this abuse as well. I sincerely hope that the women out there who are in this type of relationship get out before they lose what I have – my home, my job, and money. These people have no soul. They don’t care what they do to you! Realize that! They truly don’t have the ability to love. Only to manipulate and use you for what benefits them. Once my husband took everything from me, I was useless to him.

    • Hi Michele,

      Please know no matter what you have lost – you still have yourself – and this is your most precious commodity…

      The ‘stuff’ is nowhere near as relevant – and can be replaced one day – it is your soul and emotionnal relationship with yourself and life which is EVERYTHING….

      I wish you all the best in your recovery and healing and coming home to the love and truth inside of you.

      Mel xo

  69. Oh wow…. yes this is me. I have been and still married to a Narc. 30 years now. It wasn’t until2-1/2 years ago I finally saw the light… upon discovering an affair from decades ago with a so called ‘best friend’ of mine (who also verbally abused me and dropped ‘hints’ for year). He blamed me for being stupid and not asking questions. Anyway, I am on a long road to recovery. The easiest – and the hardest thing would be to walk away. But I have a family and being 55 I hate to start over. But I hate to think of tolerating him for the next 20 years or so! In anycase I ride the fence and wonder when the next bomb will drop. He is supposedly distanced from these old people but brings up their name every now and then so I know he has fantasy of being with them again. And my intuition tells me things I would rather not face without hard facts. So…how does one listen to their intuition without having hard facts to back them up? RAR

    • Hi Raeanne,

      The truth is our intuition is always spot on – and one of the greatest points made in these blog posts by Jac earlier was …”We all know what ‘pain’ is”…in other words we all know what negative emotion feels like…it is painful, it is unpleasant and it is not the truth of our soul’s (The Source Energy part of us) version that we are here to live.

      Regardless of ‘are my worst fears’ true or not in regards to what he is up to, you already know 1) He does not take responsibility and blames you which means you can not feel nurtured, protected and safe with him – as every women needs to feel – because you CAN’T TRUST HIM, and 2) You know he has pathologically lied to you in the past, and therefore absolutely has the ability to do it again – after all he DID carry on after lying without batting an eyelid, he did not offer REMORSE, and he has NOT taken responsibility.

      These are his character defects, which are NOT displays of normal healthy human reverence, empathy, compassion for ‘a beloved’ or conscience…

      How can any of that feel emotionally ‘good’, ‘healthy’ or ‘safe’?

      The fact is it can’t – because people do NOT change their behaviour unless they change their BELIEFS about themself and life – and no-one changes their beliefs (or of course behaviour) until they have taken inner emotional responsibility (without blaming anyone else or creating ANY other deflections / excuses)and done the hard humble yards of working determinedly on themself.

      That’s the NOT NEGOTIABLE point blank truth.

      This is why your intuition is screaming at you (as negative emotion) wondering ‘when the next bomb will go off’…because your inner being KNOWS it is inevitable.

      Mel xo

      • Hi there again. Well the elephant in the room came to visit. My narc text my frenemy to inform her and her husband of a mutual friends serious illness. I asked why he didn’t contact the husband instead. Then everything blew up. My fault I cannot get over his affair. My fault the friendship is compromised. A long story short…he cares not for my heart but only his own supply of attention from friends. He is fine if he can keep his friend no matter how it hurts me. And he still thinks I want him to touch me. No. This is true misery to live with a quasi cheerful mate who puts a good face to all but his wife. Is there any way to detatch from someone emotionally while still living in same house?

  70. As I have written before I was with my narc for 37 years and our divorce was final a month ago after 13 months. I just needed to PROVE to myself…so i broke an 8 month no contact and asked him one question…he opened his mouth and all the lies,ego,aragance,hate,comtempt.. Just came POURING out of him. I felt such a sense of relief,I turned and QUICKLY walked to my car.

    • Hi Rhonda,

      I certainly understand what you are saying – and now what is INCREDIBLY important is that you accept this information ‘as is’.

      Yes, it is very true that when people ‘try’ to see where the narc is at…that ABSOLUTELY at the end of the line you see in vivid technicolour the projections, the pathological lies, tactics, insanity, incredible immaturity in the nastiness and the horrendous vile malisciousness.

      It is at that point that you realise ‘What is there here to gain by trying to get this very disordered person to act like a normal, rational human being?’

      The truth is you can’t make this happen, there is no point, and if you DO try all you do is get hooked, abused and incredibly sick yourself.

      All of this is so far, far away from the adult life goal of being happy, in love and creating a wonderful life with this person.

      How is ANY of that possible when you can’t get past the 5 year old narcissistic brutal, abusive pre-school sandbox which the narcissist is so invested in dragging you into in order to beat you up?

      So NOW that you have AGAIN confirmed this to yourself, your job is to focus intently on your own healing so that you do not fall prey to any addiction to him, any cognitive dissonance which is your mind trying to give you the ‘reasons’ to re-hook with him, and you use this entire experience to heal and grow and become a full healthy loving and accepting source to yourself.

      He is no longer any part of this goal. He was the springboard that you don’t need to keep jumping up and down on – the momentum is now all about you.

      Mel xo

      • I laughed so hard at this because i tried this…lol..the poor narcissist could not even give me a new toothbrush yet i had attended to help him write up a eulogy for his deceased brother..that i never knew he had till his death!!!!surely what more didn’t i know!!

        All i know is that all attention needs to me on me like Melanie tells us!!thanks for Rhonda for sharing….i cracked up at least because i understand exactly what you mean! and thanks Melanie for the reminder, we don;t need to be back into that sandbox to be beat up and brutalized by the narc!!! Long live these blogs and QF they saved my life!!

  71. hi Mel. I am writing tonite because this is one of those safe places I get to share my heart. I just found out my narc mother has less than 2 months to live….she has cancer. Some of my friends don’t get my feelings and want to correct them….it is out of their realm of experience, I understand and don’t hold it against them, and then I do have a few close friends that totally get it….i have such mixed feelings coming up….a big one is anticipation. I sound like an awful daughter, but she was such a tyrant….my grief is over what will never be….more than loosing what was. She has smeared me to my father and turned him against me, it is so clear why I married a narc as well…it is such profound timing to be divorcing a narc, and burying one as well. All while I am doing the deep work of healing and releasing my pain. God moves in mysterious ways….blows my mind sometimes. Anyway, just wanted to tell you, even though we have never met face to face, I know you get it, and it helps to speak the truth.

    • Hi Ruth,

      I am glad this is one of the safe places you get to share your heart.

      That completely and utterly makes sense that the loss is ‘what you couldn’t have with her’ – a normal and healthy mother and daughter relationship, and even though you know conceptually that she is a narcissist, which means she is not going to change – now comes the finality of grief that you are not going to get that opportunity.

      Many, many people who are losing narc parents, with ‘no chance of resolution’ mourn very much so. And the conflicting feelings of what may be considered as ‘normal’ relief as a result of the abuse must be incredibly heart-wrenching and create all sorts of ‘guilt’ and be incredibly confusing.

      This is a very powerful and emotional time you are going through – incredibly so…

      Ruth, our lives show us so many times that resolution from ‘without’ is not something we can always get – and in fact often can’t. This is why when we trust our emotional inner path – when we are prepared to fully own and claim our pain and fear without any judgement or censorship and can deeply follow that path within all the way in to our inner being, we DO have access to the deep divinity within ourselves and can be embraced by Source to be able to heal, resolve and come to a deep bigger picture understanding and peace.

      The truth is – at Soul Level your mother adores you – and eternally will…and even though her personality is horrifically disconnected from her soul her soul KNEW as a co-creation with your soul that the EXACT exchange with her in this lifetime would supply the perfect ingredients to grant you the most profound LOVE of all.

      The total unconditional love and acceptance of yourself which would open you up to be a part of the greatest heart of all. The Universal Heart. So that you could be, create and be a part of real love.

      My lovely lady …allow yourself to bypass your mind on this so that you are not applying any judgement to these feelings. Simply allow the pain, follow it in with your deep healing processes (QFH), clear the agony / confusion you are feeling and you will open up the space for the incredible healing that will then flow in to you.

      Please ask anything else, or keep posting if you need to.

      Mel xo

      • Thanks Mel. You are perceptive…I just need to feel. A little more of my story, my mother is not biological. I was adopted, after being in foster care for my first 3 months. They had 4 bio sons, one who had his way with me for several years. My parents defend him still, as he is their bio son. My mother often said she wanted to return me to the children’s aid while I was growing up, and was convinced that I was trying to steal my father from her. She had regular psychotic breaks and was very violent at times. I thought I escaped when I met my husband. I married someone who claims now to have never loved me….and round we go for round two…lessons repeat til we learn them.

        It is an illusion to think that I did anything to deserve it. Still, I need more healing….and lots of self love.

        After much thought, I went to see my mother in the hospital. She was awful yet civil. In all the complexity of the moment, I kissed her and told her I loved her…I did this for me. It was my way of saying I will not take in your hate.

        Would have been lovely to have touched souls with my mother…the soul that loves me….my soul that for so long has been reaching for her.


        • funny I say I need to feel then I say…a little more of my story…telling the story keeps me from feeling

  72. Hi Melanie,can I ask why psychologists don’t recognize narcissim? I am due to see mine again tonight,and have been for the last few years,coincidently she is a work colleague of my ex narcissist girlfriend,but I know she is independent and confidentiality is part of her work ethics,she just kept putting her behavior down to bad habits and behavior in the relationship,but as I kept banging my head against the wall looking for answers.maybe if she would of advised me it was something beyond my control,I could of understood and exited the relationship on my own terms,or maybe she was but cause i was in love by her good side i was oblivious to all the signs on front of me.

    • Hi Claude,

      it has only been my experience, as well as a result of the thousands of people I have worked with where many have reported the identical experience that psychology did not identify what was happening and held very few if any solutions.

      Please know I am certainly not saying that there are psychologists who exist who may identify narcissists, it is just that I do not know of one I would recommend. But of course I would be very happy to hear of any great ones that I could!

      Please don’t believe that your ability to break away is simply going to be an intellectual decision based on someone else’s information. When there are unhealed parts of yours (inner wounds) still tied up in the abuse, your ‘mind’ (like everyone’s) is incredibly capable of creating ‘stories’ to keep you in the game (which at the very least means the inability to stop obsessing, heal and move on).

      Our real choices and behaviours in life are not created through mental processes – they are steered by our emotional programming – period – which actually has very little to do with the narcissist, and everything to do with our own unhealed past hurts.

      Mel xo

  73. The best part of leaving the narc was the instant relief of knowing I could get back to trusting my feelings and intuition again. Priceless!
    Great article, thanks Mel!
    Zoe xx

  74. I laughed so hard at this because i tried this…lol..the poor narcissist could not even give me a new toothbrush yet i had attended to help him write up a eulogy for his deceased brother..that i never knew he had till his death!!!!surely what more didn’t i know!!

    All i know is that all attention needs to me on me like Melanie tells us!!thanks for Rhonda for sharing….i cracked up at least because i understand exactly what you mean! and thanks Melanie for the reminder, we don;t need to be back into that sandbox to be beat up and brutalized by the narc!!! Long live these blogs and QF they saved my life!!

  75. Hi Melanie, just got email today from my n! Not heard from him for 4 weeks since the last contact arriving drunk at 5 in morning! The email says morning, could you send me mail as important insurance documents needed urgently and is everything ok? Am raging as I actually opened the email as I knew it would throw me into disarray again and think and now don’t know to reply or reply nothing or post mail or what!??!!!! Jo x

    • Hi Jo,

      This is exactly what narcs do…make contact without addressing ‘anything’….It is like it is all swept under the carpet and does not exist…

      Normal healthy people just do not do that! No mention of the drunk episode, no mention of anything leading up to that…and a simple ‘is everything ok?’…Please!

      If you have no forwarding address to send mail and that requires contact do nothing. Don’t make any contact back under any circumstances…Then block his emails….and his contact and really get started working on you – you are right in the ‘danger period’…absolutely…

      Mel xo

  76. What an interesting topic! I was in a long-term relationship with someone who was extremely narcissistic and I find myself often wondering why I let it go on for so long when I knew at the start that it wasn’t going to work out. It’s fascinating to look into what leads us to these relationships. I recently read a very interesting blog that discussed both sides of the narcissistic relationship, why people are narcissistic and why people choose narcissistic partners, http://www.psychalive.org/2013/04/narcissistic-relationships/. I highly recommend it!

  77. Hi Melanie,
    I only had my heart broken by an altruistic narcissist 3 weeks ago. Somehow I managed to find your website and thank god I did! It explains everything to me so clearly now. I was one of the lucky ones. I was only involved with him for 8 months. 5 of which were pure bliss or so I thought. I can relate to you. I’m intelligent, got a great job, swirched on, successful in all areas of my life but the one area I have never been successful at is in love relationships. So when this man came along I thought I’d finally met my soul mate. I’m 35. He is 39. He lost his partner to cancer 3 years ago. He has 2 young kids who lost their mum. That much I know is true. I was the first girlfriend he introduced to them. That is also true. I met them in December last year. They took a huge shine to me. So desperate for a mother figure in their lives. I fell in love with them too. They then started getting closer to me than their Dad. He didn’t like it. He’d lost his narcissistic supply from them. He took swift action. Met someone else and started cheating on me. He also fabricated a story that he was having tests for cancer. I fell for the whole sorry story. The lies spirallled out of control and he ended up telling me he did have cancer and needed to be alone… It was the most shocking and emotionally violent conversation I’ve ever had. He left me in pieces believing that. I wouldn’t abandon him. Refused to leave him alone so he eventually admitted it was all lies and he’d met someone else. Anyway the rest is now history and I’ve been able to piece it all together and your website is quite literally saving me. I can see I am a co-dependent and now I can work on myself. My question to you is, and not that it matters but I need to understand this part for final closure, could his bereavement have turned him into this monster? Or was he always this way with his partner of 16 years? He never married her. His sister is 42 and lives with her parents still never had a boyfriend I think she is co-dependent and he became a narcissist. And I don’t know what relationship he had with his partner all those years. She may have been very unhappy but never understood why. He would paint the picture that they were so blissful and no one speaks ill of the dead. Would be so grateful to hear from you on this. Hey and thanks. I’ve just found your videos on YouTube and have so much work to do! You are a saint! thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
    Karen , London

  78. Hi Melanie,

    First I must say, I’ve spent every available minute reading and absorbing all I can about narcissistic abuse, overcoming it and learning about self-empowerment since last Wednesday (May 1st). Your site has given me great hope and so many useful tools to begin reclaiming my true self, my freedom and my life back. Thank you.

    A string of very fortunate events occurred last week that forced me to open my soul, my mind and my heart so I could find the truth. After 4 years of this type of abuse from an ex, then a statement made on Monday by a current (recently ejected) N in my life, a very vivid dream of the N cheating (we haven’t been together sexually) and my intuition finally screaming loud enough to finally get my full attention all played a role in my present quest for honesty and truth.

    The word ‘NARCISSISM’ popped into my head out of nowhere. At first I was confused, I had no idea there was even an illness that perfectly described what I had been through with one long-term 4 year relationship (interestingly now it seems odd calling it a ‘relationship’, I couldn’t relate with anything he did or said) and a current one who displays all the red flags I ignored before….

    I just want to thank you for this site, I have gotten so much in such a short time from everything you’ve written here. Like a dry sponge, I absorb it all deep inside my thirsty soul. Until I found your site I searched frantically trying to understand why that word had suddenly come into my mind and seemed to be the only thing I could focus on…

    Now I’m on a new journey…. with real hope and finally the information to change my heart, my life and my destiny.

    I no longer feel like a victim, I’m a SURVIVOR with determination and on the path to EMPOWERMENT.

    From the bottom of my heart, thank you.


  79. Melanie,
    I want to avoid my 11 years old son from being disconnected from his self. Your description of how this happens in childhood is happening in front of my eyes. Here is what happened (and this is just a recent yet a very troubling example): my ex narc has a visitation order setting forth when he can see the kids (We also have a 6 years old together ). According to the order he needs to see them this upcoming weekend.
    My kids love their father very much (unaware he only needs them to supply attention; my ex was even diagnosed as having a NPD during family court proceeding, but of course, I am not going to discuss or explain this diagnosis to them; I feel they are too young).
    Yesterday my 11 years son told me he didn’t want to go to his father this weekend because of a bunch of activities that will be happening this weekend with his school friends. He is in a new school and bonding with his school friends and just enjoying these activities is important to him. So, he called his father yesterday and told him he does not want to have this weekend visit because of that.
    I then overheard his father screaming at him on the phone: “are u crazy? You are coming this weekend no matter what.” I saw my son crying with tears that just kept dropping down his cheeks; even his stance changed: head down , shoulders down while his father kept screaming at him. (My 6 years old was unfortunately overhearing this conversation too). My 11 years son then told his father that “he understood.”
    But what exactly just happened? I know my son wants to be with his friends this weekend; his father was not observing the visitation schedule consistently before either. And, the kids have a longer visit scheduled in two weeks anyway because of an upcoming school vacation. He has nothing planned with his father this weekend. so there is really no harm in canceling this visit (which, btw, never happened during over a year since the begging of the family court proceeding, a year and a half ago: neither i or my son cancelled any visit previously).
    How do I help my son? It breaks my heart to see how much he clings to be loved by his father. I know he is afraid to lose his father’s love or that the father will cancel the next visit because he will be angry with him over canceling this visit, so my son may decide to go this weekend to his father anyway, without recognizing that what is happening is what you talked about in your article: that his feelings and thoughts are valid and worthy, yet ignored by his father. (the visitation order says it can be changed by agreement so it would be perfectly ok and legal if all parties agree to the change). I’m not going to tell my son what to do here: I’m leaving it to him whether to go this weekend to his father or do what he really wants to do (activities with the friends). But if my son goes to his father this weekend, he is letting his father navigate his emotions, while denying how my son really felt about the situation. If he goes, my son will be letting his father- an authority he loves so much and wants to trust the most- to navigate what he thinks and wants to do. I feel my son is being emotionally abused. There is nothing that my ex has planned to do with his son this weekend. He simply is insisting on it because he needs attention.
    I would really appreciate your advise on this one. Should i intervene? should i tell my son something? and if yes- what should i tell him?
    Thank you in advance.

    • Hi Jane M.,

      My first question to you is ‘are you doing NARP?’…and are you healing your wounds in regard to what you are experiencing and seeing with your child?

      The reason I ask this is because – this is KEY!

      We have no ability to hold fear and pain (the focus on ‘what is’) and manifest any different situation inwardly or outwardly for our children (or anything at all for that matter).

      There is a very powerful dynamic between a mother and a child – a very powerful energetic connection.

      The truth is where our energy goes as the mother is exactly where our children’s energy goes.

      I’ll share this with you, and I have shared this before. My own son has gone through incredible wounds and abandonment via his Family Of Origin father and the ex-narc step-father…as well as his fear and pain for me re the second narc…

      All of this has been traumatic, and when he was younger he was a complete mess. The narc step-father is long gone, and his FOO father is still very absent in his life (and really always has been).

      Whenever I focused on his pain, how this was affecting him and how distraught etc he was (and my son went way off the RAILS years ago) the worse it continued…

      When I did the energetic QFH shifts within MYSELF regarding how I ‘saw’ and ‘felt’ my son’s inner being about all of this (as a result of letting go of the wounds, fears and pain I FELT) then he shifted so quickly it was astoundingly eerie.

      From being a total addict, manically depressed, with no direction on a one-way-trip to self-destruction it took only THREE WEEKS and he shifted incredibly into his power, self-confidence and incredible inner wisdom and has never looked back.

      The men in his life did not cahnge – but BOY did he…and truly this is not age specific…I have seen this ‘miracle’ happen ever time that women take their focus of ‘what is’ and put it firmly onto healing themself.

      Our children can NEVER get well when we ‘see’ and ‘feel’ them as ‘in pain’…They can never find their own power when we fear from them and how their lives are going to turn out…

      So now you know – DO NOT intervene, all you will do by doing so is add to the energy of ‘what is’…How you help him – and the ONLY way to help him is remove yourself and get to the deep cellular work ‘about him’ within yourself..

      THEN you will see him heal.

      Mel xo

      • Dear Melanie,
        How did you know I wasn’t doing NARP? I got it a few weeks ago but still did not start on it.
        But I was reading a lot of your blogs, including the one about children and the one where you told another lady to stop reading about narcissism and get to the inner work already!
        I read and reread your answer to me a couple of times and I want to make sure I understand you correctly:
        Are you saying that once I no longer have any pain or fears over my son’s relationship with his dad, then my son will no longer have pain and fear over his relationship with his dad? How is that possible? What about my son’s inner work over himself?
        And what about my mom who I know loves me dearly but is in constant pain and fear over my life? Does that mean I am doomed/won’t heal because she will never stop worrying about me? I’m not asking out of intellectual curiosity. It really does bother me that she constantly worries for me….I asked her many times to stop but she won’t listen…
        Lastly, I did not understand what do you mean by taking my focus of the “what is”?
        Sorry for the so many follow up questions…. energy concepts are very new to me.
        So many thanks to you for your time and advise.

        • Hi Jane M,

          I actually know who is or is not working with the QFH shifts in NARP by how they write posts…(or at least strongly suspect).

          Because once you do start working with them, you become ‘energy’ you get insight (inner-sight) and you inherently understand how energy works – because you have accessed that part of yourself.

          Correct that is exactly what I am saying….You see Jane the thing is you are a powerful energetic creator (you just haven’t realised this yet) and when you have different beliefs (feelings / knowings) about your son, then your son (in your experience) will be completely different.

          Your son’s inner work will take place by itself when you start believing and knowing in his infinite inner wisdom – (It always astounds me how we ‘see’ our children as SO powerless when IN FACT their Inner Beings are SO much more wise and powerful than our own!!!)

          Ok back to you being the powerful energetic creator of your reality – ‘see’ your Mother as finding her own power and faith in you AS WELL!

          Stop trying to fix her / change her and fix and change how you feel about her…that is the KEY! And once you start accessing NARP Modules you will have the ability to shift into these states that you DO want to see and release the ones you don’t.

          That is exactly what I mean by taking your focus off ‘what is’.

          Now truly you just need to ‘do’ this to experience it…your logical mind won’t be able to grasp it – but your Inner Being totally will..

          That is what QFH provides it takes it to an infinite inner intelligence that goes way beyond logical thinking which simply does not have the resources to KNOW our true inner power.

          Mel xo

        • Hello again,

          What truly ‘hit’ me in your post is this sentence:
          “It always astounds me how we ‘see’ our children as SO powerless when IN FACT their Inner Beings are SO much more wise and powerful than our own!!!”
          The incident with my son this week showed me how true this is: I saw him as suffering and powerless when his father was berating him over not wanting to come to him this weekend. So, I thought he was being manipulated, and will go to his dad, despite not wanting to.
          But do you know what did this 11- years old ended up doing? He told me he was not going to his dad. It was his decision, with no input from me. He then called his lawyer yesterday and told him so (yes, he has a lawyer appointed to represent him in the family court proceedings).
          When I wrote to you my first post a couple of days ago, I saw my son as being manipulated in his relationship with his dad, and was all worked up over his suffering, and fears.
          I gave my son too little trust that he can reach a decision that will be based on what he truly wanted to do… but then he just did !
          Like you said, I can’t get much done here logically, despite trying… I just need to experience it.

          Thanks again.

  80. Hi Everyone,
    I have been through all the hell we have discussed when living with a Narc. Thanks to Mel and her program after a time of complete heart ache and depression I slowly came through the fog and started to change my beliefs and became to really like myself. We are all born into families whereby we grow up imitating behaviours of others and in our real early years our parents.If we are effected emotionally we become either co-dependant or narcissitic, if this is a real fact.
    God help our kids of today, it terrifies me to think?????
    All these young babies in child care, lets hope the carers are nice and have their acts together.There seems to be so much more hate and anger in the young kids today, doesn’t make me feel safe for the young people growing up in such a stuffed up society where gaining more money to get material things and neglect the kids and by shoving them in childcare and allowing someone else’s background problems (if any) to bring up the kids ??? Keep up the good work Mel, you were sent from heaven, we need more of you for our future grown ups. Love and Light to you all
    Jan xx

  81. First of all thank you Melanie for all the time & energy you spend on the “free stuff”! I have learned so much about Narcisistic behaviour, and about breaking the ties! After almost 3 years of being on again/off again with my demon Narc I finally broke it off (otherwse I would’ve killed him or gone insane). I still almost went “insane” and experienced most of the traumatic emotions and feelings that Ive read described here on this site. I couldnt eat (lost 20 #), think, function or be good company for anyone. I cried all the time because I was in mental torture! My friends and family avoided me because all I did was bitch, moan & complain about the bf, and how he treated me. I was obsessed with him, and I knew it! I tried to see 3 different shrinks (to try to understand WHY I couldnt leave him & WHY I let him treat me like he did), which as you say was a waste of $, because they dont understand this kind of thing. Luckily I had read and listened to tons of great info from you and others, and figured out he is a “Love Avoidant Narcassist”, and Im a “Co-dependant Love Addict”..a match made in Hell! I was finally starting to feel better after about 3 months of NO CONTACT and was thinking about what I wanted to do next when he contacted me, professing to “know I was the one” and blah, blah, blah and like a dummy I went back…but with my eyes wide open. I told him the moment I didnt feel loved, or felt he was going back to his old ways I wasnt going to put up with it, because I always noticed before how he couldnt maintain being “nice” or a good bf for very long, and was waiting to see if “the mask” was going to drop again. Sure enough…ar a couple months it did, and thats where I am now, 3 days single. So…I want to get “inner healing”, because I have attracted the wrong men all my life, & @ 52 Im really ready to find “the right one”. Im stronger and wiser since reading and studying about Narcissism for about a year, so Im not going thru the “emotional devestation” I did before, and think this time Im strong enough to not go back because I realise its HIM that has a severe persnality disorder that CANNOT be cured or fixxed, and Im not going to live the rest of my life walking on eggshells trying to get a man to love me that cant even love himself! Like you also said, its easier to start over with someone else than try to love & fix something that cant be loved or fixxed. I know I need to work on “ME” now, and stop fixxating on what “HE” did to me. I want to heal my “inner wounds” from having a disfunctional family & childhood, and make myself stronger and happier mentally, build self esteem, and be able to be my authenic self. I have some issues about dating and relationships, because Im one of those “over functioning, intelligent, giving and very capable” women, and I “run the show” probably too much. (Lol…maybe when I fix myself I’ll attract the right guy and wont be like that,or he’ll love me just that way) What do you think would be the best product for me o accomplish my goals? Thank you soooo much Melanie!

    • Hi Sgirl,

      you are so welcome :)

      I hop eyou don’t mind me not connecting to or commenting on the deatils – because that is not wehere I want to focus for me or you -although of course I am not dismissing your trauma in any shape or form…

      That is great that you want to get to the bottom of it and really dedicate to inner healing – it does make sucha difference…

      Absolutely 100% the ‘right’ product after being narc abused is always the NARP Progam first.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  82. Hi Melanie,

    I totally and completely relate with EVERYTHING you share. It is a huge relief to finally find someone who understands what I have gone through,and without any judgement. In addition,you have confirmed my thoughts about losing myself by not respecting my thoughts,feelings and emotions and thinking it was I who had a problem.

    Thank you so much for helping others..perhaps you could elaborate on how to recover from codependency and abuse a bit more? I am not sure where to start. I had been in an 8 year very abusive relationship. i ended it after i had my son(actually during my last 2 months of pregnancy) when i realised i was going to literally die if i stayed. its been 6 months now but i worry i may be obssessing over the lost relationship and how to raise my son with minimal or no input from the father.
    Please advise?

    Thank you, God bless


    • Hi Kez,

      I am so glad you are feeling relief.

      In regard to healing co-dependency and abuse, it is always the recovery from abuse part that needs to come first as the first vital foundation…My two Programs the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and then the Quanta Freedom Self Empowerment Porgam are the steps..

      You are very welcome Kez :)

      Mel xo

  83. Hi Melanie,

    I am so happy I found your website. The first time I laid eyes on him, before he even spoke to me, my gut screamed that something was wrong. His anger radiated from him and I ignored it. Even when we first started dating, I didn’t like him. And when I described him to a friend who was a psych major she said, “Hmm, he sounds like a narcissist.”

    I ignored my own warning and everyone else’s. Now, five years later, I am ready to learn how to establish no contact and to move on. I look forward to reading more of your articles.


  84. When you said in the first two weeks my eyes about popped out. That is exactly how long it took me to realize I didn’t really want to be with a person like this, and yet I stayed with him for 16 years after that.

  85. Melanie,

    Through reading your articles I have started to see what hooked me in. I have been on a spiritual path for over 30 years and now see that I attracted these people into my life so they would pull out all the dark parts and fear in me. I am grateful now to each one of my teachers. Clearly I had it in me or I would not have attracted them to me.
    thank you for all you do!

  86. Aren’t narcs truly looking for the love that they can’t feel for themselves? Isn’t that the energy drain we can feel being around one? It seems that when I was drawn to a narc it is from their ‘approving’ of me seeing me as worthy of love and attention.

    Seeking approval is so dangerous to one’s sense of reality. Know thyself extends way beyond knowing our needs and desires and I suggest we add …. KNOW and TRUST thyself.

  87. Hi it’s me again! Just another awful weekend! Got voicemail at 5.45am Saturday morning asking me if he could borrow half the garage as off this week and hope you doing well!! I never replied! I then had two grandchildren overnight Saturday night, one I 5 and baby 10 weeks, the first time having both off them overnight! Got them to bed then me to bed and at 2.00am the knock on the door, ignored, this went on for 50 mins and the kicking started! I was actually terrified! I think as had kids in the house! I phoned the police and had to let them in! Upshot of it all is police dropped him home at his flat! Fortunately the kids never woke up but he spoilt my time on the Sunday as I was all set back again and now worrying as I called police! I heard no more and wondering when he appearing to borrow half the garage for whatever!! The police have phoned me back for a follow up call and were able to say that he had said he is getting a classic car shipped from Italy!! So he has gained their admiration on the journey home and I now know what the half off garage for!! What next! This is his house, not mine and I just don’t know what to do next??? Went docs today and got high blood pressure and actually felt so content last week and had being looking forward to kids coming!! Not a good time again at moment! Xx

  88. Hi Mel,

    I almost cried when I read your article about NPD. This may surprise you but I am a male that is in a relationship, now getting a divorce, from a wife that I have come to believe has this. I looked past a lot of things, as we met on EHARMONY, at that time I was in a six figure job that I loved doing contracting over in the middle east. I feel in love with her the first time I seen her smile. I was a total A Type personality, a Recon guy in the Army, and super in shape. I ended up taking her all over the world on vacations, paying for everything above and beyond what was expected. I loved my wife. I noticed from the first fight, her becoming violent and aggressive over these assumptions of my behavior which I never did. I blew it off as we were new together, and shes not perfect. That behavior never changed even in the end like we are now. Over the course of three years she has widdled me down with her abuse, the constant being looked at like a second class citizen, constant lies, even when caught, never saying sorry except to end fights, no remorse, calls me a woman because I told her I expected three things from her, LOVE, RESPECT, COMPROMISE. She wore a mask and was able to hide her real self really well. Since I was overseas most of our marriage, only home maybe a month at a time then gone for six months type of thing. I ended up quitting my job to come home because of her relationship she was having, behind my back, which she said it was nothing, at least an emotional relationship, but couldn’t say anything about it because of the threats of divorce and what not over her own actions. Our whole marriage everything was good when she got what she wanted emotionally, morally, and physically, but wouldn’t return any of that back. She said she didnt have to respect me but she still loved me, which I lost it over, not possible. I stayed around because I told myself, and my mom raised me well, to fight for what you believe in, and I stuck by my partner. In the end, we had a child, getting divorced, been to jail for false accusations, and a protective order all because she wants everything and tells me I deserve nothing, in the marriage. I went into the marriage as a team effort, and it was me the whole time trying to conform to her not knowing I was, which in turn I became the person I didn’t want to be. Once I quit my job she was the primary breadwinner as she makes close to six figures, and it got worse once I did, she then isolated me emotionally, physically, and morally, and everytime I talked to her about the same things you talked about in your article about NPD, she became violent and aggressive. I believed in change, never happened. I honestly never wanted to believe it, it hard to tell yourself after all you sacrificed all you have, to acknowledge that your wife doesn’t love you nor respects you, and when had enough, she hurries to get charges as it looks better when she does it. My limit was when I was getting threatened with cops for even the littlest things, or when I even disagreed with her. Reading your article solidified my opinion of what was really wrong and found out the hard way these people will never change, nor do they want to, her words.

  89. Is it possible to mix up an alcoholic with some substance abuse in his past, plus that he has some big stress issues in his life right now…with him being a narcissist simply because I was married to a narcissist 3 years before this fellow?
    The reason I am in doubt is because i observed him being loving and affectionate with his 2 daughters and he seems to be very hurt by his marriage break up 2 years ago…meaning he does seem to feel….then again, he is rather aggressive in tone and mood when he drinks, he is good at taking care of himself and leaving me to take care of his daughters along with my two kids..bla bla bla…am I just wishful thinking?

  90. Pingback: Narcissistic Personality Disorder | kellythompsonlive

  91. Thanks so much for this article.
    I’ve had counselling with several therapists over 25 years and never has any one of them given me these simple reasons for my relationship and life problems!
    I’ll be reading a lot more of your articles as I now have a child with a woman who has some strong NPD behaviours.
    Fortunately I have broken free of a lot of the hooks and feeling my intuition return, likewise my ability to set and keep boundaries is growing.
    I’m embarrased to admit that I also ignored huge warning signs because of great sex as well as the reasons mentioned here :-(

  92. I used to have very powerful intuition before I met my ex narcissist and I managed to regain it after I finished with him. During that relationship I regularly dismissed messages from my intuition, but later on, when I started believing them again, intuition helped me tremendously to uncover the big lie that this relationship was. I started playing detective and intuition basically told me where to look next for another clue. I revisited many past moments which were full of red flags and I tried to remember what was going on in my mind then and how I could interpret it now.
    The strangest thing actually showing how strong and valuable intuition is was the beginning of my relationship with the narcissist. I used to consult the divination system called I-Cing sometimes, to get some advice regarding new situations in my life or just assess the general ‘vibe’ of a situation. My new relationship seemed great, but still I decided to ask the oracle. The result I got out of possible 64 (in basic interpretation) can be summed up in one sentence – “beauty on the outside, which is just an illusion, a trick”. I thought – well, maybe I was distracted, the oracle must be wrong. Then I got the same message TWO more times, so three times in a row! What’s the probability of that? Still, I ignored it all…

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