Why Do People Manipulate?


Recently a lady within the community requested an article about ‘manipulation’. As soon as she posted this request on the blog, I immediately thought – What a great idea!

I know many people in this community, for obvious reasons, have suffered the intense tactics of manipulation – which includes love-bombing, outrageous pathological lies, the awful results of triangulations and smear campaigns, and behaviours which defy any human reason or explanation.

All of these things fly under the banner of ‘manipulation’.

So why do some people use manipulation as a tactic?

What on earth drives people to manipulate rather than be authentic?

I’d like to take you on the journey of a deeper look at ‘manipulation’.


Manipulation Is About Fear and Unworthiness

What makes a person succumb to using the tactics of manipulation in order to try and secure a desired agenda?

The first reason is quite obvious – fear.

The fear that as things stand, this person will not gain a desired result produced from their own merits. That life and other people will not provide favourably. That life and others are positioned against this person.

This is a fear that others will gain what they won’t, and that there are limited resources in a ‘dog eat dog’ world that have to be secured and controlled in order to survive emotionally, practically or financially.

There is a dire fear of What will my life be if I don’t make this happen? And Someone will get the upper hand over me if I don’t.

Now let’s dig deeper…

The fear underneath acts of manipulation stems from a person’s lack of worthiness.

This translates as: I am not worthy of life working out for me, and I am not worthy of life and other people having my best interests at heart.

How a person perceives that they relate to others and life, is essentially how this person sees themself.

So to simplify, the real belief is: I am unworthy.


Manipulation Is About Lack Of Consciousness

Lack of consciousness occurs when there is a failure to recognise that we are responsible for our own reality. Being unconscious is the inability to make the direct correlation between one’s life’s events and internal level of beingness.

What this correlation means is: It doesn’t matter what anyone purposefully presents to the world, because the emotional intent underneath that presentation is the true determinant of where their consciousness lies, and what will ultimately unfold.

There is no beating the systems of so within so without.

Unconscious people don’t believe that this system exists, despite the repeat patterns, the painful episodes and the regurgitating disappointments. This is the epitome of not learning from previous experiences, or what inner emotions and outer life is showing up as.

This is the condition of not evolving.

Unconscious people believe that manipulation in a perceived ‘unsafe world’ is the way to get results, despite these results not bringing durable satisfaction, and ending up emotionally or literally back at square one – time and time again.

Then to try to avoid the pain of this – another manipulation needs to be created.

Why doesn’t manipulation pay off past the initial ‘quick fix’?  Because the action of manipulation is not an effective or authentic action. It is a defensive reaction to try to offset fear, pain and unworthiness.

It is a deliberate action which isn’t aligned in the consciousness of the greater good.

The ultimate level of unconsciousness is the non-understanding we are all One.

Therefore, by trying to create gain via manipulation, rather than authenticity, the personal result is non-authenticity.

Anything gained from that level of unconsciousness can only, and will only ever create hollow victories, ongoing pain and emptiness and fear, and of course even greater unworthiness.

Unworthiness is a dire separation from life and others – it the fear of being unworthy of being loved and accepted by others and life.

Being unconscious means not learning, not evolving and not coming into the true power of authenticity worthiness – which is the knowing of being loved and accepted for Who One Truly Is.

It is a disconnection from Oneness.

Therefore, it is only people who feel unworthy at their core who manipulate.


Common Expressions of Manipulation

To peel the lid back on this, we need to acknowledge that it is not just conscienceless people who manipulate.

We all know, and have experienced, the boundary-less lengths narcissists will go to in order to manipulate and secure narcissistic supply and outrageous agendas.

I really don’t need to elaborate on these…

Manipulation can be more subtle than this – and is always coming from a position of unworthiness.

I had a really interesting conversation with a girlfriend yesterday who admitted that she has a fear of abandonment – and in order to avoid being abandoned tries to make sure that her partner needs her.

She asked me was she being ‘manipulative’. (Love the synchronicity because I had not discussed this article topic!)

I stated “Yes. You are acting out your unhealed wounds, and having to be maladaptive in order to avoid those wounds, rather than face them. Really you are manipulating as a result – even if there is no ill intent.”

She understood.

This friend is not a narcissist. She is a giving, loving person who could not imagine smearing, lashing out, pathologically lying, or having affairs behind her partner’s back. She has high levels of integrity.

However, she is struggling with knowing she is loveable and worthy simply because she exists. The message she received in childhood was I have to be needed in order to be loved, and this has been a reoccurring inner program driving her behaviour in all of her love relationships. She is attempting to manipulate how she is perceived to avoid being alone.

Not surprisingly her first husband left her, and her current relationship is now shaky.

The truth is we always manifest within our relationships exactly what we fear – everyone does.

And the more we try to twist ourselves into a pretzel – trying to manipulate circumstances and people RATHER than dealing with these inner fears by going within - the larger the cracks appear.

Narcissists also manifest their horrendous fears of being defective, and being unworthy of being loved. Every partner ends up holding the horrendousness back up to the narcissist trying to make him or her accountable for it.

The False Self cannot bear the self-recognition or self-ownership of ‘being flawed’, therefore projects, attacks, deflects, devalues and discards, and manipulates onwards to the next relationship – generally as quickly as possible. And the cycle of manipulation goes on and on and on.


The Goal of Evolving Into Knowing Your True Worthiness

There is absolutely no value in focusing on another person’s manipulative behaviour and trying to change it.

Didn’t the narcissist’s non-accountability show you that in vivid technicolour?

The truth is, the only power we ever have in life is within our own self, within our own belief systems, and aligning with our own application and creation of life from the inside out.

When faced with manipulation and continuing to hang around to receive it, your own maladaptation which undermines self-worthiness comes into play.

On the battle field with a narcissist you have no choice other than become someone you don’t want to be, because ever part of your authentic self is under attack.

An essential truth of life is – be very aware of the levels of consciousness of people in your life. Either your consciousness will lift theirs, or theirs will reduce you to their level.

Be very aware, a narcissist’s level of consciousness is not going to rise.

When we get past engaging in trying to change someone else’s manipulative behaviour, and establish the knowing of our own worthiness, we don’t play out our own ‘manipulations’ as a way of avoiding our own unhealed wounds.

Every time you go against the authenticity of yourself you are in fact trying to manipulate something or someone on the outside of yourself to try to create a different result which will allow you to feel more worthy.

This equals how to lose.

There is only one place worthiness can ever take place, and that is within – regardless of conditions outside of you. Because you never have any control of conditions outside of you – you only ever have control of your own beingness, and how your beingness is manifesting as your life through you.

Some examples of handing over worthiness are:

  • Taking the blame to appease another in order to retain the relationship or avoid necessary confrontation.
  • Ignoring abuse and self-disintegration rather than face the inevitability of being alone.
  • Making poor relationships choices based on the neediness of gaining energy, security, approval and / or love, rather than the true desire of a healthy, compatible, joyous relationship.
  • People pleasing in order to win love, approval and / or security.

The truth is the narcissist was never meant to be the supplier of your inherent worthiness – and in order to secure narcissist supply he or she always intended to undermine and strip your worthiness.

The greatest gift of all of this was the opportunity to claim and create your own authentic worthiness.

This is generally when personal catharsis occurs – when everything on the outside becomes total devastation and rubble – with no means of resurrecting it…

…because then there is only one place to go – inside.


Changing the Patterns of Manipulation

Changing the patterns of manipulation in our life from the inside out starts with authenticity.

Authenticity means that who you are being on the inside is congruent with the person you present on the outside.

Being an authentic being means you know and take action based on inherent worthiness – the worthiness of knowing you are loveable and acceptable for Who You Are.

This worthiness does not rely on validation outside of you, because you already have solid validation from within.

No longer are your actions fear based, they emanate from love, fullness and the consciousness of so within so without. This is the knowingness of the abundance of life which will reflect back to you Who You Are Really Being.

Back to the ongoing conversation with my friend yesterday…

She stated to me “Damn! I know I do that, I feel it all the time, but I don’t stop doing it”.

I said to her “Imagine stopping needing him to need you, and not doing those things that try to make him need you. What does that bring up for you?”

She imagined doing that.

“Panic!” she exclaimed.

Now here is the problem – to avoid that painful feeling she carries on trying to make him need her. Even though she knows what she is doing, and the possible terrible manifestation results (which are already playing out).

So given that she finds the fear and pain too hard to overcome – and defaults back, how can she change?

The same way anyone can…

There is only one way people ever genuinely change behaviour.

They have to change their BELIEFS.

The belief – I need people to need me is responsible for her fear and behaviour, and it’s that belief that needs to be released. Which really means healing the core belief – I am only loveable and worthy if people need me.

To heal that belief means the ‘trauma’ of the creations of those beliefs in childhood needs to be addressed, released and reversed.

Then true worthiness could be established, and her fear and maladaptive behaviour would disappear – immediately.

The fear and maladaptive behaviour are symptoms of that painful belief.

No-one escapes their inner programming, the fears they produce, and their subsequent behaviour without changing beliefs.

Knowing what you do, or even why you do it is rarely enough to durably change.

Deeply going inside, working on yourself and releasing emotional pain is the true solution to durably change.

To change who you are being, requires changing your beingness.

Now maybe you can understand that trying to hold the narcissist accountable for his or her manipulative behaviour was never going to make a scrap of difference. Nor did the narcissist’s rare moments of accountability (feigned or real) hold up as any genuinely reformed behaviour.

A pathological manipulator would only ever change if the damage of childhood which created the dire unworthiness was directly addressed and released.

And if course it would have to be the manipulator who decided to do this, and who actually did the work on themself.

Reform is never possible any other way.

What is certain is that the reform of your inner belief systems and life is totally possible.

I hope this has explained what ‘manipulation’ really is, and I look forward to answering your comments or any questions below.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

76 thoughts on “Why Do People Manipulate?

    • Whoa… pardon my language but WTF! I would watch out for him if I were you. What flagged me was how Jesus supposedly telling him to “kill her” and then him saying how “I have done it before, and it didn’t work then either.” Watch yourself carefully. And wow… just like a narc to see one of the most terrible people, Bin Ladan, as a great man because he stood firm on his beliefs. Funny thing is though when I read this I kept picturing my husband (who is a narc and/or has narc traits) rambling on and on like your ex did trying to validate himself to those who would listen. And one would only be able to listen because one wouldn’t be able to get a word in anyway. My husband wouldn’t say things this drastic of himself but it felt very reminisce of talks I’ve had to endure regarding his late night chatting, how everyone does it, how I was wrong in dealing with whatever it was he didn’t want to take responsibility for, etc… Glad to hear that Chris is an ex for you but please be careful.
      God bless and keep your chin high :)

  1. Hi Mel

    Another great article :). My son has turned to gambling, his father was a narc. This article has helped me to understand more about his manipulation in gaining money to gamble. Is the addicts manipulation along the same lines? It all sounds very familiar. I have learnt how to stop being his enabler and again am strong to stand up to him. Fear of losing him was at the bottom of why I enabled him. However, I worked it out and followed all you have taught me, faced the fear and no longer let him manipulate me. Thanks for this article. Everything comes at the right time :) Sandra x

    • Hi Sandra,

      Manuplation in all forms is a symptom of powerlessness. And powerlessness is really another ‘label’ for lack of worthiness.

      This is wonderful that you are no longer enabling and being authentic and are no longer controlled by fear of outcomes.

      Well done!

      Mel xo

  2. Hi Mel and everyone

    i grew up watching the most violent pair of manipulators (parents)try and outsmart each other, taking vengeance out on me and pretending not to affect my siblings and then using us as a source of guilt for the perpetual cycle of blame. for a while this led to numerous issues with my self esteem (like my whole life). but from an early age i knew it was pretty lame, i just had to survive it all and yes playing in the game was part of that – so pretty solid training ground. i found my young self through QFH and bless that young me, we cried, but its all ok now, what a relief!

    i thought i had things pretty well understood, but ha, little did i realise i had the altruistic nicest most charming narc to learn from.

    still in healing mode from that, and boy did i learn my final lesson, my boundaries are rock solid.

    i am still working on self care, and doing ok.

    thank you for this fine article Mel, i liked the radio show as your voice is so lovely to listen to, its like we are having a late night chat.

    light love and thanks x

    • Hi Anon,

      This is wonderful that you have been working on your solidness and authtnicity.

      You are so welcome, and it is very true that we ATTRACY excatly the people and sitiuations to crete our most spectacular healing possibilities!

      This is exactly HOW we can expand into Who We Are – it is all perfect.

      Mel xo

  3. Great article and very timely with my narc ex trying to manipulate my 6 year old son asking him to keep a secret that he has a girlfriend and he’ll never see Daddy again and Daddy would be punished if he told me. In the past I would have told my ex how terrible he was being making threats and why was he doing that and I’ve no interest who is he with etc. However since he has no conscience and probably gets something out of me responding I’ve not. I also thought if I tell him I knew the big secret he would then lay that on my son blaming him for being untrustworthy. So I’ve said nothing but made sure my son no longer feels worried and knows he can always tell his mummy secrets and nothing bad will happen. I’m learning but it’s tough going sometimes!

    • Hi Becky,

      I am glad the article was timely for you.

      Fabbo that you are not trying to change your exe’s behaviour any longer – that creates incredible relief and empowerment for you and your son!

      Great learning and you handled this situation brilliantly.

      Children are incredible wise – we should have much more faith that they truly DO work it out. All we need to do is lead by example by being open, loving, non-judgemental and authentic.

      Mel xo

    • Lol that’s what I was thinkin. Or a Sociopath. Narcissists aren’t quite to that level, I have dated both, I should know. It seems that most pychopaths/sociopaths KNOW they are crazy, whereas Narcissists think they are just perfect and wonderful, and are much more in denial.

  4. Good article on manipulation though; some generalisation I don’t think fear is the only reason for manipulation , think it is a major one. power and a sense of self righteousness – misplaced clarity; also. I have a friend who is yet again involved with another one – I have been but now living alone and clearing myself up ! she will use the fact that a psycho/sociopath/narcissist is frightened at root to justify her “healer” part self image, to be understanding and therefore allow her self to be mistreated/abused. Hard to watch in fact the piece in the article which says be careful who you have around you, rings true !

    • Hi Sue,

      wanting power and control over others is always about ‘powerlessness’ – which is fear based.

      Yes it is very hard to see people you care about being abused – but know truly that this is part of her healing evolution.

      There are no mistakes – everyone creates the results of existing unhealed parts – that can become conscious in order to heal.

      Mel xo

  5. What a timely article. I am amazed at the synchronicity of each article that you write Mel. Over the past two weeks I have been open to communicating with a guy who has said that he wants to get to know me. For the first week all was well and I actually felt safe and enjoyed relating and getting to know more about him. It was fun! He told me that it is his birthday this weekend and he hoped that I would help him celebrate it because last year he spent it alone and was not wanting to spend it alone this year.
    So he made a plan for this Friday night. I told him that this would not work for me because of my work. I am so committed to my life and doing what feels authentic to me. He had a plan to have dinner followed by a visit to the casino. I know how important his birthday celebration is to him and decided to stretch myself to what I felt I could give time-wise and not feel resentful. I was absolutely shocked by his response. It felt manipulative and as though I was being made to be responsible for his ability to enjoy his birthday. The fact that I would not celebrate it for the amount of time that he wanted made him angry and I felt controlled. I felt angry and sad then. For so much time of my life I have given more than I wanted in order to make others happy and have made the decision that I will not live in this way ever again. I responded authentically to him expressing my dismay and giving him direct feedback about the negative impact his response had on me. I felt unsafe and also aware that if he responds to me in this manner when we have just recently met, then it is only bound to become worse over time. I want to be with someone who can respect and value what I need to do in my life and not give me a hard time or use me to avoid their feelings. The good thing about this encounter is that finally I think I have been able to set boundaries that define me and what is important to me and I am honouring them. A man who is right for me would be able to negotiate something that would work for both of us and would not act in a manipulative controlling manner when I say ‘No’. So I will continue to support, protect and value my own life and live in my integrity whether there is a man in it or not. It is better to be with myself than in a relationship that does not support my highest good.

    • Suzanne,I’m so proud of you! You did the right thing. In my life for the last ten years, I’ve dealt with his control over and over, and now I’ve become addicted which might sound strange,but true. Most of the time I’m not my true self. I try but I go right back into being manipulated. Keep on being YOU.

    • Hi Suzanne,

      I agree fabbo that you are retaining boundaries and your rights – fantastic!

      Additionally as a tip – it is really important to inner check in regarding what we ‘receive’ which hits triggers.

      So the beliefs you can target and release are “A man won’t accept me being myself, and having my own interests..”, and / or “It is not okay for me to have my own identity with a man”…etc. etc.

      You really need to feel into the uncomfortable feelings related to this – or maybe “Men who love me wish to control me”….(and there could be many more..)

      Whatever Inner Identity wounds we hold show up outside of us – that is what all UNPLEASANT events are…

      This is where we can use all of these interactions, go into the inner negative emotional charge in it – find what it is and release it.

      Then you won’t ‘need’ to attract someone like this again, in order to flush that core wound up to the surface to your attention.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Thanks Mel.I felt differently about this interaction than before and you are right. I need to see if there are any deep-seated beliefs hiding away. I think that I have finally got to the point in my growth where the instant something feels not quite right, I am dealing with it then and there and stopping it in its tracks. If the person does not have my best interests at heart and gets upset and rejects and abandons me at that point, then I feel as if I have saved myself a lot of angst in the long term. A man who is right for me, will want to learn about me, will feel safe for me to be around and it will not be a lot of hard work.I was wondering if this encounter was some sort of test by the universe to see if I was really healed in this area. I also think that I have got to the point where I value me more and take the necessary time to protect myself where necessary. I am trusting my intuition and my feelings and expressing what I feel. The surprising thing is the reactions I am getting from others. I think that before when I did not ‘rock the boat’, it saved me as a child and also later, when I did not have the internal resources to support myself. Now, I am able to support myself and protect myself and remove myself from negative influences. I am also shocked at what is underneath people’s manipulations when I expose them. Their anger and attacks are not a pretty sight. At least now, I can remove myself and keep myself safe. I will take the most recent event to my kinesiology appointment on Saturday and see what comes up.

    • Suzanne, you can’t even imagine how much your post helped me. It brought up long memories of someone being unhappy with me for not spending enough time with them at their special moment. The way you said it made be recall that i too was made to feel I was responsible for someone else happiness at their special event. Like Mel says, it was not a coincidence we have these events: they bring up what we need to work on. I need to be a source of approval to myself and validate myself and my own choices, and interactions like that bring up both the pain of not yet being there in that goal, and then the need to work on it.

      • I am glad that my post was helpful to you. I am also aware that as we heal,and value ourselves more and more and spend our valuable energy on self-nurture, we become more aware as we learn to live in our integrity, of what is good for us and what is not. It becomes easier to see when what someone is doing in relation to us and we are able to reject it and remove ourselves from contact with such an individual before we get entangles any further. As we heal, we are no longer an energetic match for a Narcissist and go on to form much healthier relationships. I used this situation with this guy to trace back my feelings to where they originated and heal that pattern. I have had no further contact of any sort with that person and his work in my life is now finished.That is what happens. Gone are the days when I would be entangled and involved in unhealthy relationships that are no good for me where I am meeting the needs of another adult at my expense. Now I give myself all that lovely energy that was going to others and depleting me in the process.

  6. Wow. This article hits the nail on the head. I am mentally stable enough now to get it and would have saved myself a lot of grief had I been able to understand this 6 months ago! Unfortunately I was in the crazy-making phase delivered by the Narc!
    Thank you for making it so simple!

    • My Narc became so bad that I tried to talk to my daughter and his sister about the fact that I thought he was losing his mind–he turned it around when I had a TIA and convince them and MYSELF that I had “damage” from the mini stroke although the Drs assured me I did not–I honesly could not understand him when he talked to me–I understood every one else–in my quest to understand I found a theraphy and this site and leanred about Narcs.–16 months FREE and I am sane as sane gets!

  7. Melanie,

    This was amazing. I am always floored by how the Divine gives me just what I can understand at the right moment in my growth.

    I am in the process of leaving my narcississt (at last) and have been increasingly grateful for the narcississtice journey and the empowering path it has taken me on.

    Truly, I thought I was very evolved and had made it past my wounds and issues when I met my boyfriend. I waited two years, did a background check, was honest and thought he was, too. I thought I was attracting at the level of my HEALTH only to find I was attracting at the level of my subconscious beliefs. At first I hated this! But, one of the things I know from experience is to join with the lesson as soon as possible. So I did.

    Your column aptly describes the next level for me, which is to face that I, too, have believed (as your friedn does) that my worthiness comes from being needed. It is a form of manipulation, too, and at a very subtle level for me.

    I am hoping to purchase your program as I settle my finances because I am intrigued about getting right to the quick of the soul: how do you do that? I journal, walk, pray and have very helpful dreams that I integrate but I am intrigued at releasing the deeply held pain. Is that what your course does? How does it do that? I have tried many modalities–rebirthing, 12-
    Steps, counselling, metaphysics–and they all seem to take a lot of time. I am fine with life unfolding gradually, but I am 54 and would love to attract my next mate at a much more evolved level.

    Also, do you do CD’s that I could play on my CD player instead of the MP3?

    Thank you for the shining diamond of your many-faceted wisdom.

    Laura G

    • Hi Laura,

      I agree – and that is because you are ATTRACTING the right information.

      When there is a strong desire to heal and grow, commit and allow that journey with an open heart to take place, masses of support, information and synchronicities’ flow in from everywhere – and from ‘the inside’ as well!

      That is true that many people have got caught out (me included) thinking we ‘were there’ but yet another narcissist showed clearly that was clearly not the case…

      We always attract at the level of deep inner beliefs – everyone does. They ‘run’ out life.

      That is terrific that you have surrendered to ‘truth’ – because the Truth always sets us free..

      That’s what being authentic and establishing our True Self is all about – nothing else cuts it!

      What you will find with the NARP Program is a connection directly to your subconscious – that is what it is designed to do. It creates for you a ‘language’ that contacts your subconscious as well as teaches you how to be your own powerful inner healer – which is what self-mastery is all about. Then you are off and running creating that ‘coming home’ connection to yourself, with the ability to clear all the pain / fear and inner programs that have blocked that from happening.

      Many people have tried ‘everything’ before NARP and hadn’t been able to breakthrough – that is common in this community.

      Unfortunately there are not CD’s it is a digital program.

      You are very welcome Laura – and please know your awareness, humility and acceptance are brilliant! You have all the essential ingredients to go a long way in your personal journey. NARP will grant you fast-track results.

      Mel xo

  8. I have to agree when others are saying how the timing is right… just last night it saddened me when my husband calls (he’s on a business trip), I put him on speaker so he could to talk to our daughter but she never wants too talk because he uses manipulation to the max with her. He tries to bribe her to get affection from her. He’ll ask what she wants him to bring for her (toys or clothes), ask her to say ‘I love you’ as a thank you and if she doesn’t comply he tells her she doesn’t get a present. He’ll ask me while she is there and can hear “What is wrong with her? Why does she do that?” I’ve tried countless times to say it’s him but it gets turned around towards me so I get the blame. “If only YOU showed me more affection then she would!” When my daughter and I are together she’ll tell me she hates her dad. She’s only 9. It saddens me like you wouldn’t believe to hear her say that but I also know why she does. He has learned that our oldest son (16) doesn’t supply him any more with narc supply so he pretty much ignores him though blames our son for that. Our middle son who is 11 is now learning how his dad works yet tries to appease his dad and voice his own opinion only to have it shot down because he “doesn’t listen”.
    I’ve been reading these posts for about a month now and though the situations are sometimes different (though some are amazingly exact!!) it all comes down to the same thing… needing to leave to get my life back but more importantly get my children in a more stable home environment. We’ve been to two counselors and this last one, even though he says she was good, is now being discredited because he got the final bill. (The previous sessions were covered by my work insurance.) He promised… PROMISED tho with crocodile tears… me that he would take care of the counseling after I had presented divorce papers a year ago. EVERYTHING from finding one to paying for it – HE would take care of it. I knew once he started twisting what she said and now is making a big issue over the bill that things wouldn’t change. He isn’t applying any of the techniques we are supposed to use (especially those in regards to our daughter) because he waits for me to initiate and when I don’t he can then blame me for not backing him up. When I bring up anything in regards to how I might feel about something it’s me trying to start a fight, out to make him look bad or coming up with excuses. If the kids try to bring anything up on how they feel or if they don’t like something that their dad likes they are told “No you don’t. You only feel/like that way because your mother does.” So then I’m told not to say anything because it will influence the kids. They are scrutinized for hanging out with friends because they are influencing them as well. “Why do you have to hang out with them ALL the time?” they are asked. “Why can’t you spend time at home?” “No. You can’t go because we are doing things as a family today.” as we sit waiting for him to decide what we are going to do. Fun… NOT. It’s funny how in writing all this how stupid it is to have let things go for this long. 17 yrs… well, I guess it hasn’t always been this way. Just when I’ve started opening my eyes and found the chatting, porn sites, emails… all the deceitful things he accused me of here he had been doing them. And the trend is starting again where I’ll be accused of something and here I proof him of the very thing. My time will come though. Slowly but surely things are falling into place for me and my children :) Looking at myself I’ve seen what I need to work on and though it’s been a long, progressive process it is working. We will shine!

    • Hi Cybil,

      You are describing narc behaviour. Manipulating for narcissi tic supply – including threats, and the false promises – that were so ‘whole-heartedly’ and ‘remorsefully’ made.

      That is common…

      Also the devaluing and discrediting emotional rights and feelings – as well as of course infidelity, and false projected accusations.

      You are living with a personality disordered person.

      Yes, you have to leave, for you and your children.

      Big time…

      Stop trying to prove anything – it is fruitless, and truly he doesn’t care as long as he gets to somehow feel significant, or blame other people when he can’t.

      No financial or practical loss is worth trading for your and your children’s inner beings, or right to an authentic lifre.

      Mel xo

  9. Hi Melanie,

    This may be a little off topic but this blog article really hit home. I have a girlfriend that I’ve gotten very close to over the past couple of years. We have shared ‘war’ stories and have encouraged each other. Recently she fell off the face of the earth and has been very secretive about what’s been going on. She is very vague and although I pray for her I can’t help being concerned. Over the past couple of days I realized that my concern was turning into me feeling betrayed as I believe that she has been sharing details with other coworkers of mine. I’ve also realized that I needed to center myself and get over the situation because 1) it’s not my issue and 2) I can only control me. My work has been helping however I just wonder where in me those feelings are coming from and is it even right for me to feel slighted by the situation? At this point I don’t know if I should contact her again or just forget about her? I’ve offered help and given my concern and I just don’t want to be too much if she isn’t willing to talk etc. I’m respecting her space and part of me feels like I would be betraying her if I just moved on from our friendship on that level.

    • Hi Andrea,

      no problem being off topic.

      We always receive ‘something’ that hurts when it relates to an unhealed core wound.

      So 100% responsibility means first – check inside you. Is this a pattern for you of people in your past that you have been very close to ‘ignoring you’?

      Have you felt ‘invisible’? Check in with childhood, as well as other intimate relationships.

      Is this showing you a core wound you still need to release and heal?

      That needs to be addressed before doing anything in regard to her. Because it may be genuine that she simply has ‘pulled into herself’ and there is nothing personal in it – BUT it showed up in your experience to grant you the opportunity to heal your core wound.

      (Life always lovingly delivers the opportunity!)

      Then after working through that – you will know ‘the answer’. Then you will have the ability ‘without carrying that personalised wound’ to be really authentic and communicate with her straight out “Are we okay, this could have been me, but I feel something’s not quite right. Is there anything we can discuss, because I really value our relationship?”

      My guess is this is a core wound triggered, and then after working through that, but authentic, honest, and real with her without any blame or shame towards her, and most of all towards yourself.

      Love and connection always emanates firstly from self-love and acceptance.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Thank you so much Melanie. I repeated a module from NARP on healing the injustice and betrayal and I feel so much better! I did have deep wounds dealing with feeling ignored by those close to me in the past and feeling hurt by them being secretive towards me after I thought we had gotten so close. I feel that next time I see her I will be able to approach her with more confidence regarding our friendship out of my genuine concern for her vs. ‘you did me wrong’ attitude. I also feel more able to let go of the injustice that I felt and now able to thank God that this showed up so that I can heal from it. I didn’t even recognize it at first! Again thank you so much.

        • Hi Andrea,

          you are so welcome…

          That is great that you dug into this – because that is precisely how we can reflect on what life is showing us to grow, expand and evolve.

          Well done!

          I LOVE that you have now gone up a level and feel the gratitude…. and now your brain wiring has the ability to open up to the wisdom of this ‘shift’.

          Our answers and growth are always ‘within’.


          Mel xo

  10. I’ve been with a Narc for 20yrs and been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since. I knew his behavior was bizarre, but he always had an excuse and I always accepted them because I truely didn’t believe someone would or could knowingly treat me this way. Six months ago I found your website. I now know there is no help for him because he believes he’s perfect and I’m the problem. I have left four times just for him to lure me back. I am gonna purchase the NRP. I’m so beat down emotionally an mentally that I don’t have the energy to pack and leave. He is now in the disgarding phase and that hurts but I now understand what is happening and I’m willing to go through the pain. Thanks Mel for all you do. It is so wonderful to know that you and the rest of the community understand what living with a narc is like.

    • Hi Lisa,

      that is a long time, and my heart goes out to you.

      That is so true that we stay attached trying to make someone be the source of our own wellbeing, until we finally realise that we need to be that authentically for ourself.

      You do need to go through the pain, and allow this to end, after 20 years you have experienced first hand that a relationship with a narcissist never reaches healthy resolution.

      You are very welcome Lisa, and please know I and the community are here for you. NARP grants you exactly the support and inner focus you need to get through this.

      Mel xo

    • Lisa, I just want you to know that I was on that same emotional roller coaster for 30 years and I got out 2 years ago!! I am so grateful and everyday I gain a little bit more of myself back. it’s been an amazing journey and well worth it. Getting out is what saves you, but “no contact” really makes you strong. Then when you see the behavior, you know exactly what it is and you don’t go there!! I had no idea how beat down I was until I got out and the longer I was out, the clearer that became. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to stay away and keep being good to you!! It’s an amazing place to be! I was so afraid to leave but things got so painful for me, I finally found the strength and I will never go back. You can do it, just stay out long enough to really feel the difference!! Peace every day!

      • Christine,

        I am only about a week out of my narcisisstic relationship but I am amazed at how much clearer and lighter I am everyday. I had no idea how much stress I was under, how awful and hard it was to stay in a “pretzel-shape” for his weird controlling ways. I am looking forward to when I am all moved out and can truly have total NO CONTACT.

        Thanks for sharing.

        He left me for another woman but it was the biggest favor he ever did for me! I sure got to see the “adoring and abhoring” cycle. It hurts but it is freeing.

        Laura G.

  11. Thank you SO much for this! My daughter is not a full fledged narcissist like her dad, but she is an extremely convincing manipulator…since early childhood. I just…have not known how to define it or help her.
    I’m going to send this to her…

    • Hi Jean,

      you are welcome.

      The truth is you can’t help her, you can’t change her and you can’t ‘educate’ her.

      There is no value in you sending the article whatsoever – other than her to take umbrage, project and state all the reasons why you are disordered.

      The only way we influence anyone is to be in our own truth and live congruently with ourselves as an authentic self.

      Your statements by example through the ACTIONS of “You can’t have my attention when you behave like that” will have so much more impact than trying to ‘prescribe’ to her – which never works.

      Mel xo

      • Thank you Thank you! You are so right…I’ve been doing it all wrong out of my own fears – the fear of not having a relationship with her ongoing in the future. I’m going to do some ‘work’ on this.

  12. Jean,

    Interested to hear that you have a daughter that sounds similar to mine. She is now 30.

    What puzzles me greatly is: are they born this way? My daughter was extremely difficult right from birth and for a long time, I blamed myself for her problems.

    Her father is not a narc and in fact, a very good father and I can now see, that in spite of all my mistakes I wasn’t too bad of a mother.

    I am just curious what you think – do you think some people have a predisposition toward being a narc, and even if they had a reasonable childhood, can still can develop this disorder?

    • Hi Carmen,

      I really do believe that people are born with certain personality dispositions.

      Certainly narcissistic tendencies can emerge from non-narcissistic parents.

      It is really important that you look after your emotional connection to yourself, and let go of blame. It doesn’t assist her and it doesn’t assist you.

      Mel xo

  13. From what I can see, there do not seem to be any narcs in my family, but of course there are narcisstic tendencies in all of us.

    My daughter seems to be the ‘one out of the box’ and am just wondering how many people are nature not nuture, born with a certain brain-wiring.

    But, perhaps on a soul level my somewhat narcisstic child may have come to teach me to reclaim myself.

    If it wasn’t for her, I never would have undertaken a healing/spiritual path…..so she has been a blessing in disguise as many have also stated with the experience from their narc partners.

    • Hi Carmen,

      yes totally agree re all that you have said.

      I believe ‘nature not nurture’ exists but is definitely the exception rather than the rule.

      Having said that I actually believe in most cases it is ‘both’ – and all of that was ‘meant to be’.

      That whatever unfinished business a soul is trying to create and heal generally means not only will the pre-disposition be present, but the childhood conditions will also be a direct match for those lessons.

      And yes there are very deep soul contracts that go way beyond surface level – and ultimately all of it is to come home to ourself and the Oneness that we all are.

      Lovely you have that awareness and gift – that is what evolution is all about! :)

      So many of us have incredible gratitude for the abusers in our life – because it was as a result of the experience of them, that we COULD choose our expansion and true connection to ourself.

      Mel xo

  14. Sorry I didn’t mean to offend you or anyone here. Sociopath or narc to me is closely related. Narcs go as far as killing the soul of a human being. He is charming in his other life at work and tries to convince others I am the one that’s crazy. From what you said Mel, your x did quite the number on you? Do you think Chris is a narc? My therapist has no doubt. What I posted was extreme that he wrote in some online group. He was trying to apologize to win back the “attention” he once had. One thing I know he hates is when someone compliments my photography in front of him and his response is “well she should be able to take good pictures with the expensive camera equipment I bought her” credit should always go to him. When I quit my job managing a doctors office to the top 100 Ophthalmologist in the world, I was no longer his trophy. I was worth nothing. Making jewelry, working with therapeutic horses didn’t cut it. Another words he couldn’t say his girlfriend was anything special. I didn’t have the kind of status that was worth anything in his eyes. Narcs can get pretty bad and can cause harm even if it hits the mind. I feel sorry for his next victim. Public awareness is vital rather than turning the other cheek.

    • Hi Megan,

      no problem at all I know you didn’t – I just thought we could do without that energy here!

      So true narcs absolutely ‘murder’ emotions – and therefore lives – 100%.

      Truly I think anyone who is disordered, has a rampant False Self and displays pathological behaviour is off limits…

      The behaviour you are describing is ‘narcissistic’ regardless of what category he falls under.

      What is SO much more important than public awareness is taking 100% responsibility to heal our unhealed wounds that allowed us to cling to abusers and allow their behaviour in our life.

      It was all about being co-dependent, and not being a self-validating, self-loving source to ourself.

      This is why narcissistic individuals can operate, and will continue to regardless of public awareness. Because the sociopath does not present initially as a self-absorbed, insecure and malicious False Self.

      If we are full and a source to ourself we don’t get snared. Our ‘sense of self’ picks something that doesn’t feel right, and we don’t enmesh and hand boundaries over, and we are not susceptible to being outrageously love-bombed.

      It is time for you to take your focus off him, and place it firmly on to you. That is where your true liberation lies.

      Outer ongoing focus on him equals your disempowerment, and stops you from healing / growing / evolving.

      Mel xo

    • Hi Megan, It is best not to focus on whether he or she was a narc, is a narc or whatever as it doesn’t serve us in any way, only makes us powerless and gives them more power. Mel can explain this better than me, but I have followed her healings and have been guided by her to focus on myself and healing. Since doing that and taking my focus off ‘the narc’ I have been empowered to the point of no returning back to being co-dependent on anyone or anything. There is no timeline to healing, but when you start and commit to yourself 100%, you will be amazed at how quickly you will start to see yourself for the first time.

      I wish you all the best and (((hug))) to you. x

  15. Mel, Read the article with great interest. With all this thinking of cunning manipulation,cruelity, and especially the constant lies, how do they keep up the shame stuff of love bombing etc without cracking, do they take medication for the anxiety and depression. I find that my narc was a great one for deception, and yet I never noticed any medication only that the taking of headache tablets was very frequent.
    They internalise all there thoughts and project their inadequate reasoning onto you and blame you for everything, and always argue the point over little stuff – why is it that it doesn’t give them more anxiety and the need for pills. Hell I don’t know how they keep it up for so long, without medication.Do most of them have many disordered functions not always under the heading of narcissism.
    Cheers Jan

    • Hi Jan,

      this is what you need to understand.

      The drug that the narcissist uses to burn off the internal pain is narcissistic supply.

      There are narcissists that have co-addictions, such as booze and pills – but narc supply is the self-medication.

      Attention, significance, fear, sexual hookups, accolades, adoration – anything that makes them feel ‘special’ rather than powerless / defective.

      Like any addiction the relief from internal pain is the ‘high’.

      If NS is not forthcoming, and they can’t conquer up enough ‘significance’ in their own imaginations then dumping the internal pain (not being offset by NS) out on to someone else with great vengeance is the pain relief.

      Make sense?

      Mel xo

  16. Thanks Mel and Jac. I guess I just needed to be reminded not to focus on him. It is draining and destructive. This has left me powerless and full of fear, the very thing he wants.I’m not even sure what I am afraid of other than the reaction I feel internally (not connected to anything, just there)It is debilitating and leaves me feeling exhausted. I was looking at another couple who believes love cures narcs. At first I wanted so badly to believe that but my gut tells me that it will never me. I need to heal, get over him and never look back to that place of hell. I believe Mel is over it just from your honesty and description of how you once felt. I want to be done with the torment.

    • Hi Megan,

      please do NARP and commit to the inner healing – it is the most powerful and effective path I know of – that is why I created it.

      All you have to do is commit, get your focus off him and follow the instructions.

      Enough is enough for you…then you will move forward.

      Mel xo

      • Melanie is it not true that once the lesson is learned new things unfold because your being is not needing to relearn the lesson hence no need to repeat?

        • Hi Rachel,

          it is very true that when we graduate through a particular lesson, then there is no need to keep attracting it to learn.

          Then of course we move on to ‘other things’ and keep growing. That is what evolution is all about! Obviously it is no fun, and such a waste of energy to not evolve and be stick in painful ‘repeat’.

          Many people stay unconscious doing ‘painful repeat’ until it gets sooo painful and so accumulative that there is no possibility to carry on ‘life as usual’.

          That’s when personal catharsis usually happens – because then people surrender, take responsibility and go within.

          Mel xo

  17. i wish they taught this in high school as it would spare future generations of playing out their inner wounds…well am in my early 30′s and if God blesses me with children i pray that i MODEL health and be the book they read….My soul reminds me that i NEARLY died as the trauma had reached SIGNIFICANT LEVELS that physical death was the next phase….I thank God for directing me to Your blog!
    I don’t take it for granted…am glad to be alive….

    Blessings to you Mel…

    • Hi Rachel,

      that has been a very ‘missing’ part of the human experience – any inner awareness that we create our life exclusively from the inside out.

      What is spectacular – at this time – is that it is all coming ‘full circle’ to that essential awareness.

      This is an amazing time to be alive, and be a part of ‘people coming home to themself’.

      Mel xo

    • Hello Rachel, I am a high school teacher. At the beginning of this year my relationship with my narc husband hit a point of no return and I finally drew a line in the sand regarding what I would and would not accept in the relationship anymore. The last 8 months have not been easy however with the help of NARP and Mel’s support and other readings which have strengthened my self-awareness, I’m far more personally empowered than I was at the beginning of the year. I justbwanted to share with you that I do share this teaching of self-empowerment in the classroom. I was informed recently by a line manager that students are requesting to be in my classes. As a teacher, one’s inner belief system will shine through no matter what the curriculum topic. As a teacher of history, there are countless examples of ‘history gone wrong’. Once we begin to change our personal beliefs systems that have been entrenched in us through our upbringing and life expereinces, such as trying endlessly to ‘fix’ a narc relationship and we eventually fully understand that we simply cannot change anyone but ourself, that energy is translated to others and the people around us do pick up on that positive energy. I say to you to work on strengthening your inner energy. Discover how you can become more empowered and you too will ‘teach’ through examples many people you come in contact with. I totally agree with you that the young people in our society DO need to be taught to believe in themselves. Yu too are part of that change to the collective unconscious of our society simply by BEING – becoming more authentic and fulfilled everyday. Keep reading Mel’s blog to achieve this and the supports she offers. It’s helped me and in turn I have helped others :-)

  18. Melanie,

    I am troubled today about my daughter who has been married for 3 years to a good man that loves her. She is cold, distant and takes no responsibility for any of the problems in their marriage. Her dad has been diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder ( a milder form of sociopathy) and has hurt her terribly over the years.

    She has shown signs of having very low levels of conscience since she was a small child. I don’t know what to make of it. I am very troubled by her behaviors and at this point her marriage is on the rocks because she refuses to deal with her stuff.

    Is there hope for her?? I know i can do nothing to really help/change her, but I am hoping that the fact that I am becoming more authentic and healed will somehow influence her.

    Of course I would love to see her pursue healing NOW versus having life “deliver” healing opportunities to her in the form of crisis and totally bottoming out.

    My mother’s heart is hurting!

    Thanks, Mel, and as always, God bless you.


    • Hi Patti,

      I am going to get really metaphysical with you here – because this is the ONLY way I have ever personally experienced changes with children, or seen anyone else accomplish it.

      As the disclaimer – there is no use me granting you any ‘practical’ solutions – because we have NO power to make someone else accountable, make them see what they are doing, or change their emotional reference point in any shape or form.

      The only POWER you have in this situation is to change YOUR emotional reference point in regard to your daughter.

      The energy a mother has as a connection with her child is immense – she came from your womb. The most powerful thing you can do to assist this situation is stop seeing her ‘as she is’, because every time you focus thoughts / feelings on her current state, you are in fact vibrationally adding to it, and helping to hold it in place.

      You need to create a different emotional reference point in regard to her. This following exercise is one which worked miracles with my son, and also many people in the community. Shifting away from the ‘pain’ of what is, and ‘seeing’ and ‘feeling’ her as you wish to see her.

      If you have NARP you can use the goal setting module to help you achieve that emotional shift. If you don’t, you can start writing in a journal with your full focus on imagining her as her True Self, as her inner wisdom coming to the fore.

      This needs to be a consistent way of thinking / feeling about her, and truly can create miracles.

      Mel xo

  19. Dear Melanie,
    What is the difference between “knowing what you do, or even why you do” to “deeply going inside, working on yourself and releasing emotional pain”?
    I’m struggling with understanding and feeling the difference between the two, and don’t know when I’m doing what’s in the first quote as opposed to what’s in the second.
    Thank you.

    • Hi Jane,

      fabbo question, and one I am really happy to answer!

      Ok – if you know what you do and why you do it – BUT the original emotional wound is still in your cellular unconscious, then what happens is life will keep delivering the ‘events’ and ‘people’ (catalysts) that will hit on this wound, and then when the wound is activated as emotional pain – the brain wiring (thoughts) are always operating within the range of the emotional (chemical peptide) charge, and the person will react according to the wound.

      It can be very difficult under those circumstances to detach, be mindful and respond differently. ESPECIALLY if the emotional wound is big, such as from childhood / painful love, and incorporates powerlessness and / or trauma.

      It is SO much more effective to use an energetic tool, to go inwards and release the actual wound.

      That is what true evolution is.

      Then because the wound no longer ‘exists’, there is no ‘events’ or ‘people’ or ‘emotional triggers’ being activated.

      There is no need for ‘life’ to keep delivering the evidence of that wound.

      That is why cognitive therapy is simply an attempt at managing emotional wounds (and consequently fails), and why energetic healing actually treats (removes) the wound, and creates real liberation / breakthrough from the emotional wound.

      Changing who we are ‘being’ requires changing at the ‘being’ (inside) level.

      Does that answer your question?

      Mel xo

  20. Melanie,
    I’ve reread your answer a number of times. If I try to apply it to myself, I’ll say that after reading so much of your materials and doing NARP, that process did help me to release all connection to the NARC. And I felt it as a change in my being. But again, my brain was very much involved in the process: thinking I needed to do this change, so for me the lines between what I think and feel are still very blurry. After feeling that change as to the narc, I realized I am still very sad regarding many other aspects in my life. So, I got your empowered self program. Hope it will help me with that, just like all your NARP materials were helpful to me with respect to being clear as to my boundaries with the narc and really releasing my connection to him to very minimal. Looking forward to hearing your next response to me.

    • Hi Jane,

      yes the difference is ‘subtle’ – but also very distinct.

      It is a part of the human condition to try to ‘think’ our way out of being emotionally stuck or in pain – that is until we train ourselves to approach it from a much deeper and more powerful level.

      It always starts with being willing to totally FEEL the painful emotion. Once we do this we have access to it. The regular human ‘thinking’ is usually an automatic strategy to avoid doing that.

      Regarding the other aspects of your life that you know you wish to improve, by doing the ES Course, you will journal, deeply feel into and claim those inner programs.

      Know that emotional pain, fear and confusion always leads inwards to a belief we have about ourself and life that does not correspond with how our True Self sees us.

      That ‘gap’ is the fracture that causes negative emotion.

      The journaling process in the ES Course are designed to identify these fractures, so that they can be released, and so you can connect to the belief system which are congruent with how your True Self sees you.

      Then there won’t be the fear, pain or confusion on these topics.

      It is incredibly important that you don’t judge yourself or be hard on yourself. Embracing and healing our inner wounds requires true vulnerability, self-love and self-acceptance – not judgment.

      Whatever we resist persists, and that is especially true with any of our unhealed parts we judge, dislike and criticise.

      That only cements them in place more firmly.

      I hope this helps…and know you are totally human, totally imperfectly perfect, and it is wonderful that you are committed to healing, evolving and becoming your full potential.

      This means less thinking, more going inwards and more shifting out false beliefs, and you will find that evolution and freedom will simply ‘become’.

      The process truly is that simple – it is our minds which over-complicate it.

      Mel xo

      • Melanie, hi,
        This was very helpful to me.
        But, when you say “less thinking”, “more going inward and more shifting out false belief systems”- how can I keep my brain out of it?
        For example, while reading your NARP materials, and doing NARP, I realized I have a false belief that I am not acceptable to myself and others unless I work very hard, and try to accomplish a lot. If I want to change it to a new belief: “I am acceptable for who I am,” isn’t it just another new thought?
        My understanding is that beliefs about myself and the world are thoughts: I am thinking I am not acceptable for some reason or another, and I need to change it to ‘I am thinking I am acceptable for no reason.’
        I may be completely missing the point here about your advise of less thinking. I guess I am confused by how beliefs ( false beliefs and new beliefs) are different from negative/positive thoughts. Thanks again for your help.

        • Hi Jane,

          I am glad that helped.

          Ok when you literally ‘drop into’ an emotion…that is really FEEL it and open up to it – then you ‘get’ what it is about.

          If you are not sure whether or not you are doing that, then really feel the feeling in your body first…such as ‘where do I feel it’, for example in my heart, in my solar plexus, in my stomach.

          Then take your awareness into that part of your body.

          You literally can shift painful emotions and the belief systems without even ‘knowing’ what it is about – simply by embracing the pain with your awareness and doing the QFH process.

          What that does is clear the ‘body’ and then open up the brain circuits to reflect that shift and the space that occurs as a result of it.

          Sometimes I have had the experience with intense emotional anguish, or getting no information about what it was about until shifting out the pain 2 to 3 times, and then all of a sudden the profound ‘ah-ha’ moment came.

          ‘Knowing’ is incredibly different to ‘thinking’.

          Thinking is a guess, and often off target – ‘knowing’ is inner wisdom – it is infinite wisdom. It is the ‘all-knowing’ part of ourself that we all possess.

          When we don’t ‘go within’ and simply try to ‘think’ our way out of traumatic emotions – it is disastrous.

          Because the mind-circuits can only operate within the emotional charge of the body.

          So the quest is always, go within and claim the pain BEFORE trying to work out what on earth it is about!

          so…feel into it – and ask – and if no answer is available yet then keep feeling and clearing out pain – and then ALL is revealed.

          Ok I just wanted to further clarify how to ‘get’ the conscious answers – and regarding the one that you have already realised that you want to shift – use the Goal Setting module and shift that painful charge out (false belief) and set up the goal of bringing in the True Belief (the one you want).

          When you do that with the QFH process it won’t just be a ‘thought’ you are trying to think – it will be a solid way of BEING.
          You get to create your ‘being’ because you are a creator (you are making up your entire life anyway – we all are) – but you can’t simply do that through your mind (not without an incredible amount of constant and consistent application). You can however make changes DIRECTLY to your subconscious – which in effect does reprogram you instantly (if you make an effective shift).

          Does that make sense?

          Mel xo

          • Melanie,
            It all makes sense a little by little. But, I still don’t understand what is a false belief: is it a negative thought, or a painful feeling or both?
            And a true belief: is it a positive thought or a good feeling or both?
            I want to better understand what and how I’m clearing before I embark on the next step in my journey through empowered self course.
            And the same goes for what are shifts: are these shifts in feeling? in being? Absolutely no shift in thinking is needed?
            Also, when you talk about “shifting out the pain 2-3 times” or “keep feeling and clearing up pain” even without knowing what this is about- how would that work without positive thoughts? I thought I was infusing myself with positive thoughts while doing the QF course. For example, if I thought something I was doing is unacceptable, and I have pain over that, I’ll shift the pain by believing that I am acceptable no matter what. So, to me that’s a thought, but may be I miss your point.
            And I apologize if I still did not get how this works. I truly try to understand the process.
            The goal setting module in NARP was the one I did when I discovered so many new issues for me, including the one I mentioned, and I intend on working on them through the e-self course, even if I don’t fully get how it works…but still, understanding it better would be helpful to me.
            Thank you.

          • Hi Jane,

            the best way to describe what a negative belief is – is to use an Ester Hick’s description – it is any repetitive thought you have that you now ‘believe’ that is contrary to how Source ‘sees’ you and life.

            In other words it is something you ‘think’ that creates negative emotion within you.

            The ultimate truth is ‘love’ and ‘acceptance’ – and therefore anything that goes against this (‘fear’ and ‘resistance’) creates separation from Source, separation from ourselves and therefore negative emotion.

            Totally correct that positive beliefs feel good. They are beliefs regarding how Source sees us and life. They are thoughts of worthiness, deservedness, abundance, acceptance and love.

            Shifts are the releasing of negative emotion – THEN your mind automatically follows where the emotions go.

            Our brain wiring always reflects the chemical composition within our cellular body – our emotions, and does this immediately following shifts. You automatically have access to better, more evolved thoughts after shifting out the emotional pain.

            That is why the process of QFH is about feeling into and releasing the negative emotions, and then the ‘shift’ occurs automatically by itself. The reason being is our ‘inner being’ is already aligned and in truth – it is the negative beliefs that have created our disconnection from Who We Are.

            This should have answered your next question as to why releasing negative pain was effective without bringing in ‘positive thoughts’.

            I understand what you were trying to achieve re bringing in positive thoughts – and that is great IF you have been able to shift the pain out first – the pain which represented the negative belief. If not then you are attempting to park ‘a ferrari over the top of a rusted wreck’ in your ‘garage’.

            Does that make sense?

            I hope this has helped, and it’s great that you want to clarify this…

            Mel xo

  21. Mel, hi,
    Still don’t get it how I can shift/release pain without infusing myself with something else instead of this pain, be it a thought or a good feeling…. For example, I just did your first module in the empowered self course. And I was working on my need to have others feel and understand my pain. I realized how manipulative that can be : towards myself and others. But, isn’t the goal of this shift to substitute negative belief like the one I mentioned with something much better? such as: I validate my own pain, understand it, approve it and deal with it?
    So my question is, during the time I am working on releasing/shifting pain, do I need to have something else as my goal, and that is a repetitive positive thought that I want to be so embodied in me so as to generate good feelings? Is this what I need to be doing during shifts?
    Thank you always.

  22. Recently a lady within the community requested an article about ‘manipulation’

    Hey Melanie, that lady was Me!
    I am just returning to read your article, thank you for taking this subject!

    back to reading, love and blessings Lucita

  23. I loved your writing style and approach to the subject. You present personal responsibility for all involved.
    ‘I am not worthy of life working out for me, and I am not worthy of life and other people having my best interests at heart.’
    This really pierced my heart, this is so true of how I feel about life and people.
    Time to reprogram.
    Thank You

  24. Hi Mel. I have this question: why some people with childhood abandonment issues become ” pleasers of others” and others become narcissists? Even we all have narcissistic tendencies in some way, why in full blown narcissists they are so malignant?
    Thank you.

  25. Hi Mel. I have this question: why some people with an issue of childhood abandonment grow to become other people pleasers and others become full blown narcs?

  26. Pingback: How to Recognise and Deal with Narcissistic Personality Disorder | Recovering The Self: A Journal of Hope and Healing

  27. Hey Jac

    i like your post. I like your reflection on feelings being the most important vibe to be guided by. thank you. and mostly how beautiful to see you write how you like you, like your paintings, awesome. it shows how much work you have put in.

    grace to you dear being x

  28. Hi Jac,

    yes so very true – it is so important to heal ourselves, and ‘come home’ to ourselves enough so that we can trust our emotions, and show up authentically to know and feel and state what does or doesn’t feel right – and trust ourselves to the response.

    So many times with narcs the ‘mind’ can create excuses to accept situations, whereas our gut truly did know it to be ‘off’. When we ignore this we truly do hand over truth and power.

    Mel xo

  29. You hit it on the head with being trapped in a car with my Narc while he ranted and raved at me–TRAPPED with no escape–and of course I started Crap to ruin his evening! I am 16 months FREE after almost 35 years together… and I do mean FREE!!!!

  30. Hi Jac,

    I believe generally narcissism is a disease that is created via another narcissistic parent.

    Narcissists create both narcissists and co-dependents horrifically.

    It is a very rare child that could emerge from the conditioning of a narcissistic parent to be a ‘healthy source to self’.

    This is why it is so important for the non-narcissistic parent to heal, and lead by example and become a healthy role model.

    Many children with one healthy parent have been able to find their way into healthy adulthood.

    If this doesn’t occur the child later on – in adult life will play out the inner damage, and will need to find their own way to heal and evolve from the abuse.

    Unfortunately the damage is done up until 12 years of age when the ‘messages’ received impact directly on the subconscious – one’s core Inner Identity.

    The children who take the inner emotional stand ‘I will not leave myself vulnerable, or allow myself to feel the abuse’ are more prone to create a False Self and submerge their true self in an attempt to stay ‘one-up’ from the abuse, and the children who try to please, win approval and bond with the parent to try to stay safe are more prone to be co-dependents.

    Mel xo

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