Melanie Tonia Evans

Holding On To Resentment Makes You Powerless

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
48
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Most of us know what it is like to feel angry, resentful and even to have strong feelings of hate towards someone.

These feelings may only last a short time, or you may have been carrying these feelings for years.

By holding resentment towards other people you are effectively shifting the blame onto someone else. “The reason for my unsatisfying experience is because of his or her actions.”

This stifles the healing process, because when we make it someone else’s job to provide us with love, support and safety then we have to wait for them to fix it for us. This leaves us powerless…

In this article I want to show you how to let go of the resentment of what other people are or are not doing. Once you do this you will recognise that you have the power to provide love and support to yourself regardless of other people’s actions.

 

Resentment Does Not Protect us From Pain

To understand how damaging holding on to this anger and resentment is, all we need to do is refer to the Quantum Physics Laws of Life which are: whatever we are holding on to as a powerful emotional charge is what we are going to call forth into our future experience.

Therefore if, on the topic of ‘love’, you have suffered severe abuse, infidelity or betrayal, and you haven’t moved past the anger of this, then you are merely setting yourself up to experience future love events which will deliver more abuse, infidelity or betrayal.

There is no way out of beating this system.

We may wish to blame our present and future life on what someone did to us in the past, but they are no longer there, they are no longer doing it – and the truth of the matter is they don’t make our choices for us.

The only one with the power to make our choices is us.

Our resentment is a defence mechanism. Our ego believes that by being angry and defensive that we will in fact ward off future pain, and we will create ourself as safe.

We think that by angrily saying ‘no’ to something that we will keep it away from us. We may not realise that by having a heavy emotional charge of ‘no’ on this thing that we are actually calling it forth and saying ‘yes’ to it again.

Here is a simple example to explain this. If you intensely dislike inconsiderate drivers, you may think you are saying ‘no’ to the experience of people taking car spaces out from under you, cutting you off, or driving slowly in the fast lane. Yet because you have allowed other driver’s behaviour to affect you emotionally your belief system ‘Other drivers are inconsiderate’ continually draws the exact match into your driving experience.

The identical principle applies for your love experiences…

We may not realise that our ego, (defence mechanisms) thrive off receiving pain (it is the energy that keeps our ego alive) and our ego purposely tricks us into hanging on to pain to ensure creating and receiving more pain.

Whatever beliefs we adopt create our Inner Identity. If your Inner Identity believes you deserve inconsiderate drivers or people who victimise you in any area of your life, then this is exactly what your Inner Identity will strive to manifest in your life.

This has been our unconscious human experience, and in order to create a more conscious reality that does serve us, we need to find the way to get past our resentment, let it go, drop our egoic defences and get to the real heart of the matter.

 

Nurturing Your Vulnerabilities

The real heart of the matter is reached by accessing our vulnerabilities.

This is done by creating a connection with the wounded, frightened, sad and hurt parts of ourselves. These parts can never be embraced and healed when we hide them away behind the walls of resentment.

If you think about it – every resentment, anger and hatred you have ever carried is the cover for the sadness, the grief and the vulnerable pain connected to a particular person or situation not loving, supporting and protecting you.

That is the real heart of the matter.

If you are brave enough to go to this place, you will be able to shift this grief and pain, and start creating completely different patterns in your life which will serve you instead of hurt you.

If you don’t, you will simple create more in your life to resent.

Here is my suggestion to help you do this. Do all of these steps as a feeling and writing exercise in your journal. It will help you stay connected to the process.

 

Inner Child Healing

Step One

Make a list of all of the people that you are still holding resentment toward, and write down their behaviour and actions that has caused you to feel resentment towards them.

Step Two

Now be really honest with yourself, and feel within yourself. In fact come home to yourself and imagine your inner child inside you, as if this person was your little son or daughter, a being who you wish to nurture, heal, love and protect.

You may want to lie down, get comfortable or meditate in order to do this exercise.

Imagine your inner child as really angry and defensive.

Step Three

Now imagine cuddling this inner child and ask him or her what is it that really hurts? Ask your inner child ‘What was it about this situation or person whereby you didn’t feel loved, supported and protected?’….Now in your journal write out all the things that have hurt your inner child, tapping directly into the grief, the sadness, and the pain.

Step Four

Allow yourself to cry, if the urge presents, or at the very least allow yourself to feel vulnerable, and don’t be afraid of doing so. Don’t judge, push away or discredit these feelings. Be with them unconditionally.

Imagine cuddling your inner child whilst this takes place. Imagine telling your inner child that you are there to provide the love, the support, the protection and the nurturing that your inner child missed out on previously.

Step Five

Now tell your inner child that you are no longer going to ignore him or her, and that you will no longer leave him or her alone to feel powerless and hurt. Tell your inner child that he or she can trust you to nurture, love and support and be there.

Tell your inner child that you will help him or her heal and feel safe.

You will know when you have been able to fully embrace your inner child, get in contact with this vulnerable part of yourself and nurture and heal it…you will know because the anger, resentment and hatred you had towards someone and ‘what they did to you’ will be gone.

You will know that no-longer are you powerless as a result of holding that person responsible for love, support and safety, because you are now able to provide this for yourself.

You will also know that you are no longer hanging on to the resentment, pain and anger that will keep drawing more people who will hurt you in identical ways.

You will know that by providing love, support, nurturing and safety to yourself that you have now become a match of ‘more of that’ to come into your life, and you will no longer feel unconsciously attracted to the anger, pain and resentment.

You will more easily avoid it, and if it does show up you are more likely to walk away from it, rather than hang on and try to fix persons ‘b’ ‘c’ ‘d’ etc. who are really only a mirror of person ‘a’ that you were always holding anger resentment and hate towards…

 

I hope this article has inspired you to get past your resentment, and love yourself enough to go to the heart of the matter…

I know I held on to resentment previously and suffered the awful ongoing consequences…

I also know the wonderful freedom that is experienced when I made it a mission to release resentment and no longer hold others responsible for my emotional self.

I’d love to hear your stories too!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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48 Thoughts on Holding On To Resentment Makes You Powerless
  • lmaynard8@bigpond.com'
    Dawn
    August 3, 2012

    Dear Melanie

    I’m astounded at how you articulate the words. Thank you. this is the heart of the matter, it is my heart, and i am no longer afraid to show it and be angry. I can discern as well now. I did this from your previous radio Quantum Healing session. Everything you described here happened, plus more. It is the start to a more confident me. A less doormat me.

    I have a legacy though, a living one in my children. And i need help with that please. I need to know how to set my son free from the narc abuse that binds him up in turmoil, from his grandmother and all his life emeshed. He thinks so lowly of me, and she has all the power. I have done no contact with her and have tried to get him to do same … I dont have a partner to help nor his other parent in the picture at all. There is another younger sibling that is affected by his outbursts. Where do i start again? I have tried so many things already including professional help. I have to be boundary setter and encouraging journey seeking parent as well.

    Thank you for this article, and the radio session i did months ago, it healed over 40 years of built up walls. Your work here is amazing and you are truly a gift to us Melanie, bless you with everything you desire.

    • Melanie
      August 6, 2012

      Hi Dawn,

      Thank you for your post, and I am so glad that the healing has assisted so much – yes the Quanta process is powerful!

      It is such a common difficulty for us as parents that have gone through narc abuse, to help heal our children, and what they also experienced.

      In fact such a huge thing that I am going to be doing a radio show on this exclusively tomorrow. The show is not posted yet but is the Q & A Show dates 7/8/12 and will be able to be listened to in archives at any time.

      Tune in if you can because I know it will help.

      The truth of the matter is, is the more we try to intervene, the more we try to prescribe, lecture, fix and change our children, the harder they push back against us.

      This is why we need to learn another way to influence them – a way to help shift them at a level that really DOES work….and this is what I want to talk about in detail tomorrow on the radio show….

      Mel xo

  • fbreezie@gmail.com'
    rbf
    August 4, 2012

    Melanie,

    I stumbled upon your website a few months back and have been on a journey of self improvements since. I have allowed myself to cry and dig deeper to find strengths I never knew I had. Now its impossible not to speak up for myself. This article particularly has touched something so profound in me. I am trying to find a way to forgive my children’s father for never choosing us – me. Instead he chose drugs, women, and now God. He has re-married and I’ve allowed the children to go spend time with him. Now he wants to keep them, I’m angry and resentful for my own reasons. I have blamed him for everything before and when I have managed to find forgiveness to take the first steps of rebuilding a relationship as parents to our amazing kids, this happens! I feel as if I am a doormat all over again, saying “sure, why not” and justifying the many reasons why its beneficial for the kids to live there, there is no doubt that it is what’s best for them, however, I am distraught, angry and resentful that he would even consider it. I want to break the chain of pain and hurt since I’m the only one feeling it and holding on to it. I just don’t know how to without completely walking away from all of them, including my children. That’s a choice I don’t want to have to make. I know it’s my ego talking, however, I don’t see any other way out.

    • Melanie
      August 6, 2012

      Hi rbf,

      that is so wonderful that you have made your self-empowerment such a focus…

      It is totally understandable that at a human level what has happened with your ex has created pain and resentment within you – but what is wonderful is that you have recognised that it doesn’t serve you – and you want to let go of it and be free.

      And once emotionally you can feel resolved you certainly won’t have to walk away from your children or lose them regardless of the time they may spend with their father.

      When you are no longer a vibrational attraction point for ‘things to resent’ your children won’t turn against you, scapegoat or persecute you regardless of how he does or doesn’t try to influence them against you.

      In fact all of his efforts to do that will fail, because it can’t happen in your expereince unless you ARE a match vibrationally.

      Hence why at this CRUCIAL time, you really need to clean up your vibration on this…

      My suggestions in order of most powerful is Narc Abuse Recovery Program and / or Forgiveness eBook process…both is better…

      Hope this helps…

      Mel xo

  • kduncan71@ymail.com'
    K
    August 4, 2012

    Melanie, this article is very helpful, and this morning I have been feeling very lonely and vulnerable so it is timely. Thank you!
    I am still living with the adultering pathological liar who is my husband because of finances and it is so hard, he and his best friend plot against me.

    I wish I did not care, but you say we can chose what we think about so I am off to have a sweet dream of when I am away from this madness.

    I will look for the radio session Dawn mentions. Blessings to all.

    • Melanie
      August 6, 2012

      Hi K,

      Glad this article has appeared at the right time for you!

      It is great that you are understanding focus and vibration.

      Great luck with breaking free emotionally and literally.

      Please also know your soul is the most valuable thing that you can value, and when you do truly all of life will ‘gather’ to support you.

      Mel xo

  • tonyknott@mac.com'
    Tony
    August 4, 2012

    Dear Melanie,

    First off, thank you for this article, as well as all of your other material – I am very grateful for this site and information to help my healing.

    This article is particularly helpful because I have been holding onto anger, pain and resentment for a year now and I know it does not serve me, yet despite numerous modalities and ongoing healing work, I have had such difficulty moving past this. I also intuitively have understood that being stuck in this emotional place would only, as you describe, attract that experience to me in the future.

    I ended an engagement with a woman a year ago, in which I felt confused, manipulated, controlled, and essentially felt that I had no say in my own life. I was subjected to constant threats of her leaving, over-the-top, highly-aggressive reactions and outbursts when she didn’t get her way and attempts to limit or cut off my friendships with a few long-time female friends (none of which had been previous romantic involvements). All of this despite the fact that I was supporting her financially, flying internationally many times and paying for her to do the same during a period of us being apart, taking time off work to be with her because she “didn’t want to be alone” and then being repeatedly told she was going to leave because I couldn’t support her (even though I was)…all of this coming from someone who claimed to love me so much as we were preparing to marry. Whenever I tried to talk with her and express my concerns (even in couples counseling), I was met with a wall of resistance, blame and denial.

    I see now through your website and others that she seems to fit most if not all the descriptions of having narcissistic personality or borderline personality disorder (even though it’s very difficult for me to label her as that or accept it). I tell myself that logically I made the right decision to end it, yet here I am a year later, still suffering greatly from guilt, regret, and sadness over my decision to cut off from her. I then recently found out that she went back to an ex of hers within a couple months of our breakup and less than a year later is pregnant, which of course added to my grief.

    I am a 43 year old man and I feel like a failure. I have all my life wanted a healthy, loving, mutually-supportive relationship and family, but I found myself questioning all of my decisions and wondering if there is something wrong with me. In ending the engagement, I felt that I was making a healthy choice and that my life would improve, yet the last year has been full of heartache. I am honest, caring, supportive, giving, healthy, attractive, don’t cheat or lie or have any habits or addictions that could derail a life (i.e., alcoholism, drug-addicition, gambling, etc..). I don’t know how I could be so involved for so long (3 years) in a circumstance in which I was always made to feel like I wasn’t good enough. I feel like I am having a spiritual crisis, because now I have no direction in my life as my work has become unfulfilling, am not feeling any enthusiasm or motivation for anything and find myself emotional and crying almost daily. I can’t imagine living another 20, 30, 40 years feeling like this, yet again, despite my numerous and ongoing efforts to heal, I still feel a thorn in my heart and pain in my soul.

    I apologize for this rant. I suppose I am just searching for some understanding, because there does not seem to be anyone in my life who relates to what I’m feeling. I usually am told to move on with my life and to go on dates (even though I do not feel ready for that). I will work with the suggestions you’ve described in this article, and thank you again for your website and healing words.

    Many thanks.
    Tony

    • kimbo38@hotmail.com'
      KC
      August 4, 2012

      Hi Tony,
      I read your reply and I just wanted to say that you sound like quite a unique individual. It takes quite a brave leap to leave the ‘love of your life’ and move forward. I think it’s pretty normal to be feeling all that you are at present and would keep giving yourself healing time and not a hard time for feeling so despondent about things in your life. I finally left an abusive relationship with a man who was already starting a new relationship – think it’s called cheating :(, we were going to marry, etc. It was the toughest decision, but I know it was the right one too. I am still sad, torn, etc, but know that time will continue to heal me, and doing wonderful processes like Melanie’s suggestions keeps us strong, progressive and helps eliminate those possibilities of repeating our behaviours. There are many of us that relate to your story.
      Take-care, you’re doing great 🙂

      • tonyknott@mac.com'
        Tony
        August 5, 2012

        Hi KC,
        Thank you for your response and encouragement. It certainly helps. I know that there are many people – even on this website – who have probably suffered through a great deal more emotional trauma than I, yet I’ve just never felt so debilitated for so long after a breakup. I believe you’re right about time helping, but I desperately want to make sure I don’t bring this type of experience into my life again…I’m very afraid of repeating this. That’s why I keep coming back here to read and learn. Thank you again for your words and wishing you love and healing.

        • kimbo38@hotmail.com'
          KC
          August 5, 2012

          Hey Tony,
          That’s a pleasure. It was thoughtful of you to respond. Thank-you for wishing me love and healing, see, I was right “a unique individual”. I know what you mean about repeating the same mistakes and what I like about Melanie’s writings is the encouragement she gives about loving ourselves rather than looking for it outwardly or externally. I have always liked the saying “only separate people can come together” – that kind of resonates the need for us as individuals to love ourselves. Because my esteem was given quite a beating I feel very determined to love and care for myself – to build on my self esteem and look within for that special someone instead of assuming that she doesn’t exist unless someone else validates that she does. Examining our childhood issues helps us gain more self-awareness and change patterns of behaviours that serve no purpose other than contributing to our own demise. You do sound very self-aware though Tony and by no means are you a failure! I relate to everything you’ve mentioned and think that the older we get the more frightened we can become, so lots of soothing self-talk is what we need and to have faith in ourselves and to know that the universe will provide all that we require. I do believe that there is no difference between the spiritual self and the physical self, that once we are no longer in this body, our spirits will continue on the same trajectory, searching for the same answers to complement and complete us. Sending you cyber hugs ☺

          • tonyknott@mac.com'
            Tony
            August 7, 2012

            Thank you again KC. I agree with everything you’ve stated. I have to admit, though, that my faith in the Universe (and myself) has taken a beating. I never felt like I “needed” someone to make me feel whole/complete/loved/etc…But honestly this time has made me really deeply long for that. Maybe I am longing for myself…I suppose I have to learn how to love and take care of myself. To be honest, I’m not sure exactly how to go about that.
            Thank you for your words, support, and encouragement 🙂
            Big hug to you too.

    • kimberlye@shaw.ca'
      KMay
      August 6, 2012

      Hi Tony

      I stumbled upon this blog and your post rather by accident, after searching for ‘why do women anguish over failed relationships’. Without question, your post strongly resonated with me for many reasons. One is that your experience seems so parallel to what I have been experiencing since a significant relationship ended (or, more honestly, was ripped out of my life leaving what feels like a chronic, aching empty hole). A second reason is that you’ve provided me with a perspective that I’ve never been able to see – from my ex-partner’s (man’s) perspective as to how he might have interpreted my ‘bizarre’ reactions to all the craziness in our relationship.

      Some background…Three years ago, I ended very abruptly a romantic relationship with a man whom I knew platonically for 15 years prior. He was a man (54 at the time) whom I greatly admired, trusted and respected. Altough we had a platonic relationship for 15 years, for about 12 of those years, I beleived with all my heart and soul that he was the missing piece to that perfect life I so desired for so long. I saw him as the person who would make me complete, fulfill all my deep-rooted longings for being loved and cared for, a sense of family, support, protection, etc.. I could go on forever on what I so fully beleived that, with him in life, how all my adult desires, wants and needs would all be fulfilled. I never told him nor anyone else how I felt until the year I turned 40. To my heart’s delight, he very quickly ended his marriage of 14 years and began planning the ‘perfect’ life with me. If there was ever a perfect storm for a massive train wreck, this was it. And we were mutually both the storm-creator and train conductor.

      Three years later, I sit alone in misery and he has a new partner in which they are blissfully co-habitating.

      That sense of profound lonliness and feeling like life isn’t worth living if this is the way it will be for 20, 30, 40 more years? Thinking what did I do to deserve this unhappy, unfulfilling life? Constantly asking myself where did I go wrong? These are all thoughts and many more along these lines that I’ve had since my relationship ended. I’m 45 years old, and would use the same characteristic traits to describe myself exactly as you have described yourself, plus no addictions. I’ve also longed for the family and supportive, loving significant other. Reality today? I am feeling the same way you are about my work, crying and very emotional so much of the time. It’s been hell to be honest. I feel like I have been broken open and have no idea how to get back to how I was before the storm and train wreck of three years ago.

      Things I have done to move forward have also included different healing modalities and lots of therapy, plus moving across the country, selling and then buying a new home, starting a new job, and other not-so-significant attempts to feel normal again. eg. online dating

      What I’ve come to realize and am slowly coming to terms with is that a long time ago, a little girl so desparately wanted and needed from her parents and family of origin to be loved, to feel supported, protected, admired, held, appreciated, acknowledged, and so forth. But she didn’t get any of these needs met and as a result, this unfufilled lonely, hurt little girl went into hiding for a very long time. She didn’t come out of hiding until she thought it was safe at 40 years old, and only came out because she felt safe with someone whom she beleived could fill all of these unmet childhood needs. Turns out, the man wasn’t capable of filling all of her needs, nor was it his responsibility to do so, but that ‘uh-huh’ didn’t occur until some time after she abruptly ended their relationship. She also realized that she never verbalized to her partner what these needs were since she had no idea that they even existed, being buried for so long.

      Looking back, I can now see why I reacted so strongly in the relationship and why I thought ending it would end the pain I was feeling. In hindsight, that relationship acted as a catalyst for many locked and sealed doors to open all at the same time. I think reading Melanie’s work has helped me see even clearer how one’s unmet childhood needs can play havoc throughout their life.

      Thanks Tony and Melanie for helping me understand myself a bit better. And for reaffirming that if want to get to where I want to be, I am the only person who can do the work. It won’t happen any other way!

      KMay

      • Melanie
        August 6, 2012

        Hi KMay,

        this is so wonderful that you are truly getting to the bottom of what has been holding you back in love – because finding these answers and then working on healing them is where true liberation lies!

        For you and Tony I would love you to access the free healing that Dawn spoke about – this is it here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/04/24/manifesting-love-and-life-goals-dreams-and-your-identity.

        Take your time with this process, and know this creates a direct path to releasing and transforming at the deep ‘inner identity’ level that what has not served you.

        Hence why it is a powerful process.

        The expanded versions of these are then in the NARP Program if you wish to take healing to another level!

        Please do the healing and you will experience a huge difference in how you feel, operate and ‘be’…

        Mel xo

      • tonyknott@mac.com'
        Tony
        August 7, 2012

        Hi KMay,

        I’m glad to hear that what I shared resonated and helped you in some small way. I think there is an enormous benefit to sharing stories with one another, so we understand that we’re not alone in what we’ve experienced or are feeling. Melanie’s site is so invaluable for that…

        I can completely empathize with your description of feeling “broken open” and not knowing how to get back to who/where you were previously. I have felt that intensely and it is very, very confusing and painful. I have tried to tell myself that (hopefully) going through this is opening me up to some greater understanding and love of, and for myself that I hadn’t had previously. I have told myself that maybe…just maybe, love with another can be so much more fulfilling and beautiful than I could ever even imagine. I hope that for you as well. It sounds that – despite the painful feelings – you are moving in that direction by being willing to “do the work” as you say.
        Love & hugs to you 🙂

    • Melanie
      August 6, 2012

      Hi Tony,

      You are very welcome, and I am so glad my information has been able to assist you.

      It is great that you understand that the resentment is not serving you and keeps you ‘hooked in’.

      As you have said you have tried other modalities. Have you trie Q F Healing yet either through the NARP Program or one-on-one sessions with me? Q F Healing often creates targeted breakthroughs where other modalities haven’t.

      There is also no risk in you giving it a go due to the guarantee of the Program or Healing session.

      Truly Tony there are deep belief systems within you that you need to heal, and this is why this experience happened to you.

      Once you locate them and resolve them not only will you never again have to repeat the abusive situation you lived, you will also be able to align with the love reality you do want.

      I would highly suggest to you to consider accessing the NARP Program – because this would take your healing to another level and resolve this for you….as it does when you really want this outcome!

      Mel xo

      • tonyknott@mac.com'
        Tony
        August 7, 2012

        Hi Melanie,

        I want to say thank you again, because you truly do offer such a beautiful, healing forum through your website, words, and teachings.

        I actually have had one session with you, which to be honest, is probably the only time I began to feel better and feel some relief from the intense and nonstop feelings I have experienced post-breakup. Because of a move and quite a bit of work-related travel, I haven’t been able to do the 3-sessions that you had mentioned, although I can really see the value in that and will most likely schedule that in the future. In the meantime, I will explore the other resources you have here like the NARP program and your suggestions in this article.

        I will be honest, even though I’ve experienced quite a bit of relief working with you and it does help to read up on this type of challenge (NARC abuse), one concern I have for myself is that I will in some way, become addicted to this type of thing, and have a difficult time weaning myself off the need to feel better through constantly reading about this type of abuse. I am afraid that the more I focus on it, the more likely I will attract it again, so sometimes I try to shut it out of my mind, but it often comes back and hits me hard and then I find myself here reading and feeling better…Anyway, you were so helpful and healing the one session we had, I know I’ll continue until I finally feel strong and free again.

        Thank you! 🙂

        • mypinkhouse@bigpond.com'
          Val
          August 7, 2012

          Hi Tony and KMay,
          I was so moved by your contributions and stories and some of the questions you raise.
          Thank you so much.
          Tony you mention a couple of things which I would like to comment on. One thing you said was that you feel like you are having a spiritual crisis. I would say that is very true; but also that is okay and it will lead you to where your deeper self wants to go…
          You mention feeling out of place in your work and so on and both of you mention that you would like to go back to the way you were before this trauma….
          I have found that is not possible in life after grief and loss; we evolve just as Spirit intends…
          I wonder if your deeper Self is calling you Tony; I agree that it is your own self that you may be longing for , for the comfort and love of that experience and a life purpose that you are not yet hearing, but coming from your heart/Spirit.
          Mel says that every person we have a relationship with is our teacher, and that the gift is this point of evolution where you have now arrived.
          There is no going back! You are being called forward….
          When I experienced what you have; what we all have I literally lost everything in my life -it all was taken away or fell away.
          My life as I knew it no longer existed.
          I guess I should have listened sooner!
          I wondered Tony why I stayed in that relationship for 12 years just as you asked yorself that question.
          In my case, in part, because I thought the more loving I was the better it would get.
          Also I was abandoned by my parents as a child, so I did anything to avoid that;
          of course it did happen over and over again.
          So I wanted to just say, to both of you, the focus here is not on reliving the trauma and what happened to us.
          It truly is Tony , about learning to love and be present with yourself…and to align with your deeper self , not your ego which tells you that you are a failure.
          Do not give your ego voice room in your head.
          You will not get addicted or in any way negatively affected here Tony. I would suggest settle in, get comfortable, find your own focus here, read widely if you are a reader. Here is where you will get to know yourself and love yourself which will then extend outwards like ripples. It is very hard to know where to start with that.
          I remember starting the Empowered Self E Course and wondering what on earth the questions meant….What Self?? I honestly felt like I didn’t have one because every aspect of my deepere self had been relentlessly attacked and ridiculed…
          He constantly said black was white and that any of my opinions /thoughts were rubbish.. and subjected me to rage attacks over any attempt to hold my own views!
          So for the last 2 years I have worked away here and read widely in my own areas of interest, and now I can honestly say that I have healed the resentment, pain and anger that I carried for 50plus years toward my mother for abandoning me as a child. I thought it was my fault and that there was something wrong with me. It formed the basis of my identity. So it is a work in progress as living and growing and loving is…
          I met my mother recently and was able to communicate with her with empathy and warmth for the first time in my life.
          Melanie assisted me and supported me all the way through this long process and I never ever thought in this lifetime that I would be able to sit in warmth and peace with my mother as I did recently.
          So I may be the outstanding example of the fact that resentment does keep you powerless’ I felt powerless all my life …
          For Melanie, there are no words that can ever express how profound the blessings you have granted me in this journey toward mother/self/peace ……
          For Tony and others; I hope that what I have shared with you may be useful in some small way- what I really want to say with much love and faith is that you will find your way home- to peace, to wholeness, to love- if you have faith and trust the process.
          So many times I felt confused, angry and I could not understand or make sense of anything.
          You will get home and you will learn so much along the way; no you will never be the same again; life will not be; it will be better and you will be closer to where you are going!!
          This is Earth School!
          Lots of love and blessings to you all

          • tonyknott@mac.com'
            Tony
            August 9, 2012

            Val,

            I just wanted to thank you for your comments and providing some perspective from someone who has gone through this type of thing and been able to work through it. It really touched me; in fact it was so heartfelt, it made me emotional reading it, because the thought of life not being the same, but better really provides some relief. I feel like I’ve been drowning in a heart-wrenching cocktail of pain, anger, confusion, resentment, guilt and grief for so long that sometimes it’s hard to believe there will be an end to it, but your words really are encouraging, so thank you very much for that. I am committed to feeling better, healing, loving myself and sharing that love again one day. 🙂

    • nursescare4@hotmail.com'
      connie
      August 13, 2012

      Tony
      Paragraph 4- ALL OF YOUR DISCRIPTIONS ARE SOO WHAT HAPPENS TO US LIVING IN THE DISTORTED ILLUSION OF REALITY!!

    • donna.scott@mindspring.com'
      donna
      June 28, 2017

      Hi Tom, I am currently feeling pain and regret from a similar 3 year break up. My partner seems similar to your partner. Maybe they should get together. This kind of person needs prey and someone like them would not be appropriate “prey”. I am in a group called coda so I can understand my dependency on people who are unavailable emotionally to me. I am doing some inner child work too. I don’t have an answer. But I am doing a 12 step program and have a sponsor.
      My coda meeting are so helpful, I see that I am not alone. I see the strength and hope from the meeting. I am making new friends.
      donna

  • lusalight5@gmail.com'
    Lucita
    August 4, 2012

    As I was reading your excellent writing ..I kept asking in denial..what resentments do I have?

    It helped to look up definition.re·sent·ment
    noun
    the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

    I was outside and saw this monarch butterfly
    which I feel is a symbol of Freedom and new stage of life.

    Then I noticed flower pots missing and knew my mother again threw my things away.

    I went in anger, but composed with my words, I said to my mother, It would have been nice if you told me first…before throwing them away.

    It seems life gave me a choice, follow the butterfly of a metamorphosis or go back to resenting my mother’s constant undermining.

    So I came back to your site.
    The inner child steps are very well written.
    You are a true life saver.

    • Melanie
      August 6, 2012

      Hi Lucita,

      I always love it when people keep asking and looking for ways to improve ‘self’!

      Keep up the great work and experiencing the liberating results! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • kimbo38@hotmail.com'
    KC
    August 4, 2012

    Thank-you Melanie for your article and methods for eliminating resentment. I went through each step, carefully monitoring whether I was just going through the motions or actually allowing each stage to flow naturally and through me. I think I succeeded in letting myself be truly honest and diminish those barriers that I usually hold onto. I discovered that I didn’t need to write out the many names, but just one, who could represent all of my old hurts and resentments and then set them all free.
    Your example of the “inconsiderate” driver worked a treat as I can sincerely relate to that pent up rage one feels and know that it is not about the “driver” in front of you doing something irritating or stupid, but the residue of old hurts and grief that I’ve managed to hold onto and nurture all these years, as if it were an old friend. My anger and resentment towards others is so misplaced and out-dated, no longer serving any purpose – probably never did once the original issue had passed.I am feeling relieved and rejuvenated and anticipate that this process will have a lasting effect on my life. Again, thank-you 🙂

  • lusalight5@gmail.com'
    Lucita
    August 5, 2012

    The full title of your topic just hit me..Holding On To Resentment Makes You Powerless.

    Makes me powerless..

    Well, this is a big motivation to let go of my resentment feelings toward my mother and family.

    Knowing when I get angry..visualizing a weak powerless Me…is not at all what I want.

  • sepoyner@msn.com'
    SP
    August 6, 2012

    Melanie,

    I woke up this morning once again with feelings of anger and rage toward the N that I left a month ago. After many attempts to disengage I finally went full no contact and never looked back. I went to your site today seeking information on letting go of the anger.

    I found your site a year ago after going through an N relationship so toxic I was left unable to function. I purchased your products and gradually started to heal myself and met someone that people around him seemed to think was a”nice guy” with a “heart of gold”. Lucky me, I thought. Not so, as it turned out. Even though I could see the warning signs early on, I doubted my own perceptions because everyone else seemed to think he was a great guy. Well, he certainly appeared to be – in public, in church, in Bible study. Only as things progressed I could see the gross exaggerations and outright lies that he told in these settings in order to gain attention and sympathy. My mouth would drop open inwardly as he would unabashedly tell these falsehoods to people who trust and admire him and they would eat it up and shower him with all kinds of attention and sympathy. The first time he talked badly about one of his friends behind their back I though he must be having a bad day. Then come to find out he talks badly about all of his friends, acquaintances and business partners behind their backs. He routinely betrays confidences and mocks any emotion or vulnerability they made the mistake of trusting him enough to display in front of him. He is a pathological liar and lied to me more times than I can count. He started to rage at me in a delusional way. At first I could talk him down from this and show him how none of what he was angry about was happening. Well, I lost my handle on that soon enough and it evolved into him picking me up and throwing me across the room at a closet wall. I had never been physically abused in my life (I am 40). Of course nobody from church or Bible study has ever seen or would ever believe that this side of him even exists. The rages and lying just got worse and worse and I finally had to leave knowing, despite how badly he had treated me, that it would be my character that would be assassinated in the end.

    I have anger toward him, but also towards myself for getting involved with another N when I knew better. The idea that holding onto this anger will attract more of the same has definitely gotten my attention and further motivates me to let go of it. Thanks for your advice in this blog. I’m going to work through it and look forward to not waking up angry anymore.

    Thanks,
    Stacie

    • Melanie
      August 6, 2012

      Hi Stacie,

      it is great that you have recognised ‘there is more work to do’ – and meeting another person who brings through a pattern of abuse shows us clearly that this need is the truth.

      And truly it is only when we are holding resentment and old programs that we hold others responsible for our wellbeing, rather than walking away with ‘not my reality’ calmly and clearly.

      I hope you do really create the deeper healing of you as a high priority and then you won’t co-create another experience of ‘I need to heal that’….

      Truly look deep into your childhood programs of ‘what is familiar here?’, as well as repeat partner patterns…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • sandra2001can@yahoo.com'
    SR
    August 9, 2012

    I just came across Mel’s website and blog in the last week. I am coming to realize that what has been unfathomable for eight years in my life is this type of N. abuse. I broke up with my boyfriend when we were living together (we were then apart for 8 months) he returned and I went back in. After three months it was exactly the same and so I moved on again (he came back to me almost one year later and I fell back in). Then he wowed me and we got married almost 3 years ago. When we got back together and engaged he told me, “that was easy.”

    It appears my now husband’s behaviour is getting worse over time. It feels like everything I say to him is stupid. He will either cut me off when I am speaking, finish my sentence, not look at me when I’m talking or just say nothing in response. The responses just don’t seem normal either when they are made. If I joke, he usually doesn’t smile or he will give a half smile. Today after I cracked a joke he said, “How do you like my straight face?” I think he knows he’s getting to me and he just keeps on?

    Tony, I can totally relate to your post and
    others. I am college educated, had a nice place on my own before marriage, financially stable, intelligent, attractive, had a great job (until two weeks ago – downsizing), have lots of great friends and really enjoy life. This relationship seems to suck the life out of me. I look in the mirror and I seem so spent. My energy is always going towards wondering what next? What will bother him next, what kind of mood will he be in when he gets home, when will our next fight be? And he gets mad at the most ridiculous things. I can’t keep up or seem to do things the way he wants. Everything seems to be my fault and he doesn’t seem to want to do anything for me. In fact, as of recently he wants me to do more and more for him in all aspects of life i.e. simplest tasks.

    I seriously can’t keep up. We went to a concert (I wanted to see) this past week and I asked if we could switch seats for a bit as I couldn’t see. I had to ask three times before he finally replied with a validating answer and said he would change but wouldn’t complain about it as much as I did. This doesn’t seem normal to me?

    Bottom line, I am running out of patience. I think that I am living with this type of personality and need to get some support from others going through this. Everything I say to him to get a resolution (when we have fought and I want to discuss a situation) backfires and I am accused of exactly what I am accusing him of. I know this is familiar because of my childhood. My mother was exactly the same.

    In the past I have been able to walk away easily when dating others where I could recognize this behaviour. Not this time. And my spouse never behaves this terrible way in front of anyone else (not neighbours, friends or his family). Why?

    Any advice you could give would be most appreciated. I don’t think there are a lot of options to ‘change’ the situation? He doesn’t seem to want to ‘connect’ with me. If we do, it lasts half a day or maybe a day and then there’s some drama or a fight. This website helped immensely. I want a loving, healthy, productive (not negative) relationship. As much as I try, it never seems to come to fruition and stay.

    Thanks Mel and all.

    • tonyknott@mac.com'
      Tony
      August 10, 2012

      Hi SR,

      I wanted to comment here for you since you indicated that you’re looking for input. What you’ve experienced and the behaviors you describe sound so very similar to what I experienced with my ex-fiance. Like you, I was totally naive about what was happening throughout the duration of our relationship (3 years), and it wasn’t until I started doing google searches like “abusive relationships” and “controlling, manipulative girlfriend,” etc…that I began to understand that I wasn’t just involved with someone with a maturity issue. I always made excuses for my fiancé’s behavior, outbursts, demands, criticisms, threats, histrionics, and manipulative/controlling tendencies. I started believing that I was so inadequate, which made me try even harder to please her. I think the only thing that saved me was that I was supporting her financially, which forced me to wake up quickly – I started resenting her and losing respect for myself, because I started to feel like I was paying to be emotionally abused! Anyway, I say all this, because it sounds so very familiar to what you’ve described – I also felt totally exhausted and debilitated – with no energy for anything and I’ve always been very active and athletic. I even had a friend I met for coffee once in the midst of all this tell me I looked terrible and was everything alright?!!!
      I feel for you, because you’re married and I’m sure are a loyal, loving person who wants to make it work. You want to believe in your husband and see the best in him. From everything I have read and come to understand over the last year, is that it’s very difficult for these types of behaviors to change. I am not a doctor, therapist, or anything of the sort so am not qualified to comment about your husband, but you do owe it to yourself to become more aware (sounds like you’re doing that) about the situation you’re involved in. I ended my engagement because I felt like I had become broken – spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically as a result of our relationship. I was a shell of myself, and couldn’t imagine going into a marriage like that. I tried so many ways and for so long to have honest, heart-to-heart conversations about what was bothering me and to resolve our issues, but like you described, I was either blamed, ridiculed, and sometimes just ignored. The last time we went to couples counseling, she yelled that she was leaving me, not even 10 meters from his office – because she was upset at something the therapist had said!

      Anyway, I would continue to educate yourself and practice disengaging from your husband’s behaviors that “hook” you. I found that when I did this, I was calmer and not reacting to her, and could see clearly the dynamic going on. My ex would just continue to try to “hook” me through threats, insults, etc…instead of engaging with me like two normal, healthy adults. That’s when I truly knew that I had to leave for my own sanity.

      I wish you the best and sending you strength, and support.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    August 9, 2012

    Hi SR,

    Truly from what you are describing there is little or no hope, but what is true is that you need to look at your healing and your recovery and what you can do to empower yourself, know you are lovable and that you do deserve and have definite values as to what you will and won’t accept in a love relationship.

    Have you looked at my eBook resources, because truly I would recommend reading the Co-dependency and Boundary eBooks as your first starting point for you to get a better understanding to yourself, your dynamic and what you need to start healing towards.

    I hope this helps and good luck

    Mel xo

  • cprobins@comcast.net'
    Cindy Robins
    August 11, 2012

    Here’s an email I sent to the wife of a couple who are planning to visit next week.

    XXX and I are very excited about your upcoming visit, which is the reason for my email. First off, I know you wanted to meet with XXXXX (about dogs) while you were here. XXX is very knowledgeable about the breed and I agree that it would be a good move to talk to her. Unfortunately, XXX and I aren’t friends anymore – something I find quite sad after knowing her for 25 or so years. But, that’s water under the bridge.

    What you might want to t hink about doing is instead of visiting XXXX at her home, you might want to ask her if she’s going to be at the dog show. There’s a nice-sized entry of dogs for you to check out. XXXX’s email address is XXXX.

    The dog show is only an hour and a half from home, and you shouldn’t have any traffic problems being that the shows are over the weekend….I won’t be ging to the show, so it wil either be just you and your husband or you, your husband and XXX.

    Since you’ll be staying at XXX’s house, we would like to know what kinds of food you’d like to have around the house insofar as snack stuff. Before you say “Please don’t go to any trouble,” I want to assure you that it’s no trouble to make a trip to the grocery store. We insist!!!! – so please be forthcoming.

    Here’s my preliminary list of food. Cross off what doesn’t appeal to you and add what does appeal to you.

    Mostly, I’m thinking about breakfast stuff because XXX tells me that both of you are very early risers, and I’d like you to be able to eat something while waiting for XXX to get ready.

    XXX mentioned to me that you have a friend you want to visit in a nearby town. Have you decided for how long and what day?

    Have either of you thought about what you’d like to do while you’re here? XXX and I have several ideas, but since this is your vacation, I’d like to hear some ideas from you.

    Well, that’s all I can think of right now. Catch you later.

    ****

    My BF was furious at my email. This was his email to me about it.

    I’ve had a chance to think about this and this is what I think.

    You said too much in your email, XXX over-reacted and then you over-reacted to her. What you could have done is mention the dog show without selling it and avise XXX that you will decline to be included with XXX. You could have asked an open ended meal question instead of planning so much yourself. That planning and the list you drew up as well as the dog show commentary is intimidating unless the person knows you well. You mean well, I know this. If you didn’t want to create drama, you could have showed me the email before you sent it.

    Were the situation reversed and I had a problem with XXX (the wife),I would most likely go through XXX (the husband)as he is the principle friend. Though I know XXX (wife) 30 years, I would have brought it to XXX (husband) instead of going around him. You don’t know either of them that well, so the appropriate people to discuss this with, without question, is XXX (husband). XXX (wife) should bring this to me, not you. My role would be to further explain and to defend you, which I did.

    But here we go again. Rather than assume your role as one supporting me and the visit with my friends, you set yourself up as a force to be reckoned with. I am supposed to sweat while waiting nervously for you to grace me with your decision about what you are willing to do. Well, don’t bother – because I’m not going to wait endlessly. I don’t want to be part of the drama.

    This is the crap you repeatedly pull about XXX (BF’s son). I’m supposed to be distracted and refocus my energy on fixing things with you instead of planning for their visit. I’m supposed to worry about how you will act, what you might say or do, whether you will be a friend to me or make me crazy while my friends are here. And you know how important this visit is to me. I can only conclude that you don’t care about me; only in how you demand to be treated-right or wrong. Regardless of the situation.

    Bottom line: this is a manipulation on your part and I’m not going to play this game. You don’t have to see them. It’s your choice. Your response is needed ASAP so I can figure out how to plan. I can survive without the amenities your complex offers or your being part of the foursome and all the convenience that brings. Come around or stay home.

    I await your response. To be clear, I really want you to participate in my friends’ visit. But I’m not willing to play this game where I’m supposed to stew for a few days waiting for you. No word by tomorrow night and I’ll consider you excluded from their whole trip by your own choice.

    You need to come around. Please do so.

    p.s.

    FYI, XXX (his therapist) said that he felt you overstepped your bounds and said you were acting more like a social director than my girlfriend. He said all this could be prevented if you had shown me the email before you sent it.

    *****************

    I felt embarrassed that my BF took the position that he had to apologize and explain my behavior. I tried to explain how I felt to him, but he would have none of it. I told him that he could have said that I meant well and then tell her to call me directly.

    I’m angry and hurt about this. I feel like a child who has been scolded for her bad behavior when all I intended to do was to convey my excitement at their upcoming visit.

    Right now, I just don’t know what to do with mmy feelings. I’m such a jumble.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2012

      Hi Cindy,

      truly as your BF did state to you – I am sure you meant well.

      However, and I will be really honest and straight with you – your email would have felt uncomfortable for many people to receive…It felt ‘controlling ‘and ‘over the top’ even though I know this may just be unconscious for you…

      And I promise you this is not a judgement, it is an observation.

      When we receive angst from life (and you certainly did from your bf) this is about self-reflecting and asking ourself “What is my part in this?” and “What are my unhealed parts that are feeling so triggered?”

      If I could hazard a guess as a healer – truly you may unconsciously be seeking approval from others, you may not have been ‘heard’ when you were growing up – or you have believed as childhood scripts “I am only lovable when I am doing everything for others”.

      Truly this is not about feeling scolded (although I can totally understand how this would feel like that to you), and looking deeper. Because whenever we do have angst in our life it is about going deeper into ‘why?’ and then taking the gift of being able to heal some part of ourselves that had previously escaped our attention..

      And truly Cindy, you are not alone, we ALL have unhealed parts, and ‘life’ is always presenting to us the pain and the triggers to heal ourselves, and create a much happier, more empowered and much more lovely journey for ourself (and others of course).

      This is one of those times for you

      Mel

  • sandra2001can@yahoo.com'
    SR
    August 17, 2012

    Hi Mel and Tony,

    Thank you both for your feedback. It was very helpful. I sent a response the other evening and hit send but something happened with the receiving server and it was lost. Here goes version two :).

    The thing that I am finding is that I wake up each day either wondering if I should stay here, if this is the right place for me to be and grow and also question if I am happy. The fact that I have to question this and it hits my first thing in the morning every day really disturbs me.

    I feel like each day I don’t know what will occur. Because I have pulled away now (after his last outburst the day our vacation started!) when he ranted and raved over something so insignificant was the tipping point for me. I usually would fall back and get sucked in again. Not so this time. Since he senses me pulling away and disengaging, he is now acting like Mr. Wonderful and telling me how sweet and great he is most of the time he does something nice (standard fare for most people). Each time I get to the point where I have had enough, he will do the same thing – start acting all sweet and nice and aren’t I the great husband. His act faltered a bit tonight because he started in on me about our money situation, one of his hot topics. He can’t seem to understand that car repairs (2 vehicles), property taxes, multiple presents for his family and a trip would cause our expenses to go up. He said that that wasn’t the reason. I know if I am ask him what he thinks the reason is he will say overspending (meaning mine, not his). I am going to suggest that we don’t pay our property taxes or fix our cars or buy presents and see what the response is. LOL.

    Bottom line is I am made to feel like problems/issues are my FAULT. He’s not overspending but I am. No matter how much I cut back it is never enough.

    It has gotten to the point that the joy is taken out of so many things. On our vacation we went to a concert and I was excited because the seats in the hall were amazing and I stated this excitedly. I was told to keep it down?? There was no one sitting near us at the time. On another occasion I was taking a photo (one pic) and he wouldn’t wait for me but crossed the street instead? We are in a major US city and he couldn’t wait 5 seconds? I thought about taking a photo at another time and he told me how awful the elements in the picture were so I didn’t end up taking it.

    There are so many things that don’t make sense. Melanie I am so glad I found your website and have read some of these posts. Please do forward me the e-books you mention in your first response – Codependency and Boundaries I believe. I am currently reading The Processes Necessary for Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse. It has opened my eyes.
    Tony, thanks for your kind comments.

    For so long I have felt like I am living a different reality than all of my friends/family/co-workers.

    We have been doing couples counselling for months now. It helped for a bit but then we digress. I really have tried to modify my behaviour and I know I have made positive changes. Nothing seems to help though. If I suggest/state to him after an outburst, that he has hurt me by his words it gets thrown back at me and I am accused of the exact behaviour I am asking him to change. This happens everytime. He won’t take responsibility for anything he says and it’s now gotten to the point that he will make comments and then say “oh, you don’t know about x,y or z (whatever the topic is)? It comes across like I am an idiot or something.

    What hurts too is that he knows I want to hear that I am kind, caring, sweet. He will tell me how beautiful I am (which is nice) but the positive comments about my character don’t come. It’s like he won’t give me the satisfaction. I know I am a kind person. I always help people out where I can. I believe in doing good while we’re here.

    I want to believe that people in love can be soul mates and best friends. I don’t feel close to him anymore which is really sad. I guess in hindsight it has always come/gone and never been consistent.

    Mel, why is it that no one else is given doses of this bad behaviour?? His family, friends, neighbours all think he’s perfect.
    This makes it harder because no one else can validate what I am experiencing. Actually, one of his sister’s has seen glimpses and told me when we broke up once about his bad traits. Other than that, the behaviour is hidden. He comes across perfectly in social situations.

    I welcome the feedback. Thanks.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    August 21, 2012

    Hi SR,

    yes truly you are in the difficult situation that so many people are when still co-habitating with the narc – is that you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t.

    The truth of the matter is, which so many of us had to face is: regardless of how much we would like it to be different and work – it doesn’t, it isn’t and nothing is changing.

    The truth is SR, is that you are responsible (ultimately) for your own approval, validation and treatment. He isn’t responsible for these things, and you can’t force him into taking that responsibility – and to hang around trying to get it (and feeling reliant on it) is only undermining your self-worth and self-esteem.

    Somewhere you will need to work on you and heal you – so that you can set firm boundaries, honour yourself and leave if necessary to create the life you really do want to live.

    The two free eBooks are not the codependency and boundary eBooks, and you can access these through my eBook link (or at the side of this blog page).

    I hope this helps

    Mel xo

  • kduncan71@ymail.com'
    Kathleen
    August 28, 2012

    I read your replies to the people who make comments here and the “if you have angst in your life it is an opportunity to heal a past hurt” -paraphrased-

    I live with spouse who continually is unfaithful and even now sneaks and thinks I don’t know and I have angst. I want to leave marriage but as I have said in other posts family circumstances are very complex right now coupled with financial issues.

    He knows I know. He thinks I guess I will never leave because of the adult children who are having to live with us.

    It is cruel and I hate it. It is angst. It is negative and toxic.

    I wonder if I will be showing my children positive energy if I leave this mess and go on my own. He won’t throw them out.

    I don’t want to feed the ego – I understand it is my pride that is hurt but marriage is supposed to be commitment to each other. I get nothing, no affection, no intimacy nothing from this but knowing my children have a place to stay.

    My spirit is dying. He lies and lies and lies and lies and lies and lies and lies.

    There doesn’t seem to be any way out.

    • sandra2001can@yahoo.com'
      SR
      August 29, 2012

      Kathleen,

      I sympathize greatly with your situation. There is a way out and it is called ‘saving yourself.’ I am about to do the same thing.

      In my situation while there is no unfaithfulness, there is emotional cruelty which goes on and on. It started off minimally but then as the months have passed and years (married now) it is an almost daily occurence. My spouse seems to find true joy in telling me how smart/wonderful he is and by pointing out daily my faults. Like your husband continually seeking intimacy outside your marriage, he must know he is belittling and disgracing your character and soul.

      The fact that you found Melanie’s site and have written shows your strength in character. I too am finding my way back to me. I am amazed each day now how I can be so much happier outside the home and with other people (friends, acquaintances). Because I recently lost my job my husband thinks he can now treat me like dirt almost daily. He actually told me on the weekend that he is smarter than me. Well, we’ll see how that comment cements our history. Don’t let one person dictate the history of your life negatively. I believe that all that can be had in life is there for the taking, if only we can see past our current situation and have faith.

      Be strong, trust that your adult children will be fine and take care of yourself. There is only one you!

  • kduncan71@ymail.com'
    Kathleen
    August 31, 2012

    Thanks for the supportive comments SR.

    This site is a god send.

    Sorry you are suffering, are your children grown.

    Can you leave. Are you going to.

    We are losing our house to foreclosure and I plan to move to my own place when we are finally forced to vacate. Until then I am living rent free and trying to save money.

    Husband got involved in Africa project and spent all our money trying to get a big sum of money sent to him.

    Like you, when I get around normal people it feels so good.

    I am glad I found out about narcissism. He was always telling me I am the one with the problem.

    I have always been saying this will never change, the only way to make a change is for me to do it.

    Learning how to do it here.

    Whenever I have a problem or something sad happens to me my spouse gives me a ” lecture “I told you you should have blah blah blah and then blah blah blah but you don’t listen so look what you got” Not one iota of compassion or sympathy.

    THe last time he did it I said back to him, interrupting when he began the usual rant – saying to him “Say something nice” over and over and he finally stopped after five times.

    And he never did say anything nice.

    It is very tense here and toxic. I pray for foreclosure but he filed bankruptcy to stop it. It is only temporary delay.

    There is no way to save it.

    Hang in there.

  • sandra2001can@yahoo.com'
    SR
    August 31, 2012

    Yes this site is a godsend. I found it just at the right time. It’s too bad I didn’t have a name for this situation until now. I would have handled my life differently had I known.

    We don’t have children. A couple of miscarriages, but I guess everything happens for a reason. On the anniversary of what would have been our child’s birth, I got into bed and asked him to hold me. I said this would have been our child’s birth. His response, it wasn’t a baby, it wss a fertilized ovum.” I promptly got out of bed.

    I understand your predicament. It sounds like you will never get the support and love that you need (at least not from him). He just can’t do it. I have found the more you ask for anything (I have used the same words – say something nice), and depending on his mood, he may or may not say something nice.

    As a friend of mine said recently, it would be better to live in a cardboard box then be subjected to this kind of treatment daily.

    I’m in the process just like you now. It feels so good to talk outside. I can’t believe how stressed I feel at home. I also am faced with daily “You should haves …”
    It’s amazing the things that come out of his mouth like “Well you read that article/posting/phone number, don’t you remember x,y,z? I am getting to the point now that I either want to bang my head into a wall to stop the nonsense, scream or laugh out loud. It’s just crazy.

    One person is never the problem. In retrospect I should have left when issues surfaced in the past and they were all my fault. That’s not how things work in a regular relationship. And I look forward to having one, one day.

    Kathleen, I have come to realize that sympathy, empathy and compassion are in very short supply with these types of people (at least for their significant other).

    All will work out. I hope you find a sweet place for you to go to your own (if that’s what you decide). Listen to your gut (intuition) and what is it telling you to do? That is your soul speaking to you loud and clear. You’ll be happiest when you listen to your inner feelings.

    Sending you hope, faith and sunshine.

  • kduncan71@ymail.com'
    Kitty
    September 6, 2012

    It’s good to hear back from you, SR. We are kindred spirits in this journey. Like Melanie, I have been suicidal.

    Learning of this disorder saved my life.

    I don;t know why you are hesitating but trust you know what is best for yourself.
    Don’t blame yourself for loving and seeing the best – they are very sad and ill people who manipulate cruelly.

    I have dependant adult children living with us so am really stuck until the house is taken away. Tthat is when I plan to move away from him.

    I have 35 years to disentangle.
    My spouse is now nasty nasty nasty because he knows I know about his young love as I left message for her from his cell phone telling her to tell him I know where she lives and what has been going on and enough information that he/she know I have done my homework.

    He is very angry but cannot comment because it would be acknowledging that he talks to her.

    I work at the family business with spouse and our adult son daily – for the sake of my son and other family members. Spouse is beyond nasty and hateful and it is starting to get me down.

    I try to focus on holding things together for my children. Meanwhile my heart is no longer in his control and that is a blessing.

    Please take care of yourself and let me know how you are doing.

    All I know for sure is that I will have a teapot and a soft comforter and a lovely sofa pillow with birds on it when I have my own place.

    Love and Blessings

  • sandra2001can@yahoo.com'
    SR
    September 10, 2012

    Kitty,

    Good for you, it sounds like you’re headed in the right direction. How terrible to be subjected to that type of disrespect. I too look forward to the calmness and tranquility of a pot of tea, my sofa and curling up with the cat without feeling the anxiety or restlessness that I currently possess. My spouse told me this weekend that he is now keeping track of our conversations/outings. I asked if he does this every day and he said no. Because of our fights/discussions where I would tell him he never said this/that or I never said this/that, he has decided he needs to write things down (and leave in his locked desk at work?). He told me he writes both good things I’ve done and issues we’ve had. Is it just me or does this sound crazy?

    Mel, I’d love to hear your feedback or if there is anyone else who has experienced this also I’d like to hear about it? He told me I don’t need to be worried about it. He does it for himself. Sure, and I bet at some point – he will outline for me how many times a month I have gone out with friends, not cooked etc. This just doesn’t sound like it’s a ‘positive’ thing to do in a relationship …

    Any feedback you have would be most appreciated. Kitty, hang in there. It sounds like you’re on the right road! Keep thinking positive.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    September 10, 2012

    Hi Kitty,

    yes happy to answer…

    It’s really important ladies to get your focus off ‘how horrible’ it is to be disrespected…and to get your focus on to healing you and working determinedly at that. All you are doing by focusing on this and fighting back is energising it and bringing it more and more into your reality.

    Your only truly liberation is disconnecting – letting them play out that reality with someone else who will hook into it, and breaking free and creating your own – TRULY!

    Kitty EVERYONE else experiences (or experienced) this with narcs, and it is impossible to change someone else’s behaviour in order for you to be healthy and safe – you need to change and work on YOURSELF.

    Have you watched the NARP video so you do understand and know what you do need to do to break free? Please do, and then it is about committing to your own healing.

    http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

    Mel xo

    • dgroom1@bigpond.com'
      Deb
      September 27, 2012

      it’s all there. I can’t stop crying.

  • dgroom1@bigpond.com'
    Deb
    September 27, 2012

    The abuse will not stop unless you allow it to

  • dgroom1@bigpond.com'
    Deb
    September 27, 2012

    The freedom of knowing what happened and how I allowed it to happen is becoming clearer. My resistance

  • dgroom1@bigpond.com'
    Deb
    September 27, 2012

    All the things experiences and love that I have known.And the love I had for me . I didn’t listen to. I hurt me for no reason and I can’t believe I did something that was so against everything I believe in

  • dgroom1@bigpond.com'
    Deb
    September 27, 2012

    I go to work and the anxiety is palpable I fight it. I will fake it till I make it . I have it right now panic to explain myself, when I know what I do and what I want to do in the future. I told narc I want stop being me. I fight to be me.
    I read what I just wrote. This is not me.

    Years of NARC abuse. I am not a victim…. I have work to do

  • dgroom1@bigpond.com'
    Deb
    September 28, 2012

    I remembered my mission when I had my children. I wanted them to have the best life they could have. I believed it then and and I believe in them. I believe it now. I didn’t want them to feel my pain. I knew they would have their own. I didn’t want them to feel like they couldn’t make a decision that wasn’t their own. Controlling and NARC mother, survival that isn,t me

  • blondebabe4319@gmail.com'
    Sydney
    June 26, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I know this is an older blog post but I just found it last night after doing Module 1 again.

    It really gave me an “aha” moment when I realized that even though I thought I had forgiven my ex-husband (non-narc) for having an affair, I haven’t “felt” the forgiveness. I then realized that is why I have attracted the relationships I did. The last one was with the Narc and it has proven to be the wake-up call I have needed. I am working hard to evolve and to keep boundaries in place until I know it is safe to give my heart and body to someone who deserves both.

    It never fails to amaze me how I find your posts at the right time. It’s all part of the energy. 🙂

    Sydney

  • daggypants@hotmail.com'
    SARA
    September 21, 2016

    Hi Melanie

    I’ve done quite a lot of your work and read heaps, but I am still struggling with “resentment” against my ex. We are in the middle of a very nasty settlement at the moment and of course he is up to all the old tricks and lies, which doesn’t help. I just want to move on and start my new life narc-free, but with this resentment and the settlement I feel like I am being pulled right back again.
    How can I just let go and stop thinking about everything he did wrong to me, and now trying to take the house and money away from me, I was so sick for most of our married life (even cancer) and now I know it was because of the abuse, but I am on the road to recovery and i want to keep it that way.
    I DON’T love him and I DEFINITELY don’t want him in my life ever again!
    thanks Sara

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