If you have suffered disappointing and painful relationships, and or parenting that violated boundaries, you may not realise how closed off you are to receiving love….
I can relate, as this has been a huge challenge in my own life.
When recovering from abusive and / or narcissistic relationships, we can establish deservedness, boundaries and well-being – and we may have risen to a level in our own personal development where we are incredibly happy, fulfilled and productive as a single person in our own skin…
Yet what happens when a potential love partner enters your life who is fully available to love you and connect to you?
What happens if you heart is not open enough to be able to receive this powerful level of love?
When our heart isn’t open, our defence mechanisms may include not being able to feel like we’re in love. We may have to really force ourselves to reply to loving messages, and struggling to want to initiate and return kisses, affection and sex.
This can feel distressing, confusing and lead to the agonising questions. Do I love him or her? Is this the one? Is this me?
What Happens if You are too Fearful and Blocked to Reciprocate Love?
Maybe you did not realise that you are in fact unavailable to really love, until this happens to you.
Of course this is going to create difficulties in your love relationship, and I wrote about this in detail in my recent blog about The Love Addict and The Love Avoidant.
The truth of the matter is, you can only experience what you are prepared to ‘be’ yourself. And if you have not let go of the fear and the pain of your past, you won’t be able to fully give of yourself, regardless of how much your love partner tries to love you out of your fears.
In fact you may experience that the more he or she does try to love you, the more you retreat into yourself, and don’t know how to come out.
It is a common deep inner programmed fear, if you are blocked off, that if you do open up to love, and receive it fully you will become vulnerable, powerless, and be unable to disconnect if you get damaged.
And, especially if you did have parents that violated your boundaries, and seldom allowed you personal space – you will fear that connecting, sharing and ‘being’ with another intimate being means they can take over your life, control you and take away your personal identity.
Because of these deep unconscious fears, even though you know you should be connecting to love more, you will feel that when your partner expresses how unhappy they are, you may come up with every excuse and justification to stay where you are with your guard up.
It is very easy from this place to believe that your partner is controlling, intrusive and demanding.
Please note it is very important to know the difference between someone wanting to authentically love you and a narcissist pretending to love you in order to receive narcissistic supply. If you are confused about the difference please see these articles: Narcissism Understood and Common NPD Traits and Behaviours.
If you partner is authentically trying to love you, and you can’t reciprocate, you are robbing yourself and your partner the true glory of love.
Becoming Open Enough To Love
So many people, due to the pain of the past are defensive. We can get all serious, practical and try to stay in our heads when dealing with partners. I promise you, even though, we do need to practically and logically understand the difference between who is or isn’t healthy, and what healthy boundaries are – our ultimate goal is to become a divine, receptive, being – because we truly can’t receive and reciprocate love until we do this.
Some people have this talent naturally. They know how to support their partner, stay in their heart and be the epitome of compassion and love towards them. They know that all people have unconscious moments and they keep their eyes and their hearts on being love rather than adding to problems counter-productively.
These people know how to state their needs in healthy, calm and loving ways, and they know how to adore their partner, not forsake them for his or her faults, and to bring the best out in them by loving and supporting them.
I am describing my personal story here, which I know is the story of so many other men and women who felt trapped, intimidated and controlled in their childhoods, suffered abusive relationships and then found it difficult to connect to and allow real love.
During the last couple of months I have fully realised, yes I know how to honour myself, yes I know what real love looks like, and I know what does or does not constitute healthy love – but I was not ready to fully receive true love. And I knew this was my next lesson.
My next challenge, that I also know may be your challenge too, is to become a woman who lives and loves fully without fear, pain, trauma and becomes love, gentleness and compassion. In no way do I believe that this is about being a ‘doormat’ or not being able to have healthy boundaries.
This evolutionary level of ‘love’ is about being able to flow with love, be open to love and to attract and create more love, as well as reduce the likelihood of pain, fear and heartbreak.
The most powerful gift of becoming this woman is to be able to partake in and experience the grandest experience of love possible – the divine connection of two people intimately in love.
Pretty exciting hey!
As a part of this exciting and powerful journey I am taking it so much further than establishing the gift of creating and knowing boundaries and breaking out of co-dependent patterns.
This journey is now about confronting all fear and pain and dissolving it with love, compassion, forgiveness – it is about facing these demons, and doing the healing work that will open my heart up fully with no reservations and fear.
This journey is about using the techniques that has deep meaning to me to fling my heart open and fully feel everything without reservation and without fear, and to know all of it is glorious.
You see, if we are shut down, we cut of the bad feelings, (because we judged them as pain, fear and wrong) and we didn’t realise we shut down the great ones as well…and as a result we don’t really have our heart open to love.
Listen to yourself. Is your heart open to love? Are you able to allow real love without fear? Do you dance, play, rejoice and connect to life? Or do you feel resistances and blocks that are keeping you from experiencing real love?
Ask yourself – with the love I have now (if non-narcissistic) can I fully love, connect, play, feel and give myself without reservation? Do I feel butterflies in my stomach when I think of my partner? Do I know I love him or her with a feeling of fullness, joy and delight in my heart?
Ask yourself if you are single – can I feel love within myself and for a future partner that feels powerful, real, full, exciting, amazing and I can picture and feel what this is like in every cell of my being?
Ask yourself – when I am in a love relationship, am I able to apply myself with grace, gentleness, wisdom and believe in and back my partner? Do I love him/her and trust him/her even when he or she is not the ‘perfect’ being my ego would like him or her to be?
Ask yourself – do I want to be a divine, receptive being of the highest order to experience the grandest version of love that can be possible?
Please feel free to share some of your answers below or ask any questions you may have about being open to love.