Melanie Tonia Evans

Overcoming Abuse When It’s All You’ve Ever Known – Thriver Show #33

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

This week’s Empowered Love Radio Show is an interview with Sylvia, a regular and wonderful contributor to this Community.

For some time I have thoroughly enjoyed reading Sylvia’s posts, because they are so full of wisdom, insight and enlightenment.

So much so that often I thought ,“She expressed that even better than what I could have written!”

As a result, some time ago, I got in contact with Sylvia thanking her for being such an inspiration to the Community and commending her on her incredible humility and self-actualisation – namely the ability to take such powerful personal responsibility in order to recognise that she was the only person she could change and work on.

And the results were clear to see – because Sylvia’s shared breakthroughs were very real and empowered … I can always tell when people have really experienced soul shifts rather then just talking from cognitive knowledge.

Sylvia was one of these “stand-out” people.

Then, after watching Sylvia’s continual expansion in her comments and contributions, I decided to ask her to do a Thriver Show with me.

Initially she was a little scared – which was not surprising as Sylvia had previously been “playing small” in life, as a result of a diminished identity in childhood, and then subsequently handing her power over to numerous narcissistic relationships.

However, the new and improved version of Sylvia agreed to come on air, and she has done such an incredible job with her sharing in this interview!

Within this show Sylvia talks about her childhood relationship with an abuser, and then her four relationships with narcissists … leading to the last narcissist in her life “the big bad wolf” who she danced with for 5 years almost all the way to a psychotic breakdown.

It was only after discovering certain things about him sexually that she got the courage to end it forever. Then, as so many of us have done, Sylvia thought that “knowledge was power” and her intense research about narcissists (Sylvia states that she could have written her own book) meant that she would be immune to narcissists.

After a harrowing ordeal with another narcissist from her past, the penny dropped for Sylvia, and she realised that something inside her was generating the painful experiences for her, and it was time to find the deeper answers and heal for real.

That led her to google to find answers and that is when she discovered my work, and started her healing.

Now today Sylvia has come out of her deep depression, she is no longer fearful of narcissists, and she is SO excited about being in and engaging in life. Sylvia is expanding in her personal missions and joy and has anchored into the a deep understanding of her position in life that she had never realised before.

An understanding and somatic experience in her own body which has set her free.

To learn more about this understanding as well as her profound journey from being a victim of narcissistic abuse ever since a child, to a life of Thriving, please listen to this interview by clicking the play button at the top of this article.

(Please know there is no transcript for this show).

Also please note that my next 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Webinar is coming up soon. If you have a Facebook Account you can also join in the pre and post Webinar workshopping in the 3 Keys Private Facebook Group, where together in a supportive, loving and inspirational environment myself and other Thrivers (including Sylvia) help you go within to discover, release and liberate yourself from the subconscious programming which unknowingly has led you into and kept you hooked in narcissistic abuse.

So that your real life can begin.

To reserve your space for this FREE event sign up here.

Sylvia and I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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61 Thoughts on Overcoming Abuse When It’s All You’ve Ever Known – Thriver Show #33
  • kim.shallis@gmail.com'
    TimC
    April 14, 2016

    Matryoshka doll -TimC

    this is the starlight, this is the inner sight
    this is the open heart, this is your right.
    dance then in the rain of tears
    release yourself from the inner fears
    let the fountain of your pain cascade
    into the womb of our creation
    to be born again, you little scamp,
    you spirit of salvation 🙂
    as you open up the Matryoshka doll
    It’s the little one, the innocent soul
    where the wisest words have no meaning
    when you are captured in the gaze
    of this gift of new beginning
    Treasure this you !
    Love each layer upon which you grow
    And know you share this
    with all of mother life’s creation.

    Thanks Mel, for help breaking the spell…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Hi TimC,

      I love your poem! I adore the Matryoshka Doll, because it is so true, the layers and our vulnerable Inner Being who needs us so much.

      You are so welcome, and thank you for this poignant and lovely share.

      Mel xo

      • Brenda.d.dunn@gmail.com'
        DeAnn
        April 17, 2016

        Am I better? Yes, I am. I will never allow someone to diminish me…never let another evil and dark soul define me. I understand manipulation, gas-lighting, and narcissism better than the naive, trusting, “what I did for love” hapless “kick me” and “forgive adnauseum” person I was. My real friends don’t callously insult and belittle…chronically lie to me. I was duped…hook, line, and devastatingly sinker. I paid greatly for this lesson. Yes, I am better than I was. He brought me back to me. I am truly mortified by how selfless and pathetic I allowed me to be for something so non-recip. He will slander me to infinity. But, truth doesn’t have any variables. I will be authentic and real…the best of me because of it. Gratitude.
        When I meet my narc away from this earthly plane, I will still love immensely, and say thank you.
        For anyone out there suffering…please, don’t think of this as your curse. You are so much closer to home… Let love lift u up.

      • kim.shallis@gmail.com'
        TimC
        April 21, 2016

        After a traumatic relationship breakup, I remember, when in resolving meditation in early 99, my searching spirit reached out of me like a static lightning charge, sparking up into the stratosphere. In my mind’s eye, I flew across the endless web of starlight threads to try to connect to my cheating, broken lover, to send her love and reflection, to except my neglect to her needs and my reactionary immaturity…Then, after I thanked my ancestors and the natural inner power for the inner-sight I opened my eyes and within an hour or so she called me on the phone for the first time since her betrayal 3 months before. She said she’d had a dream about me the previous night and she needed to call to say sorry. Ah, we got back together.
        We went on to move out of London back to Cambridge and the Fens to have two boys. Time passed in love but I still had a wounded and abused aspie inner child obsessing me, a sense of loss and rejection, so with this unresolved, unknowing forces within, we again split up, this time for good. 3 to 4 years have passed and finally now, we are on consistent-ish good terms, for our sakes and for the sake of the boy’s.
        Of course, after we broke up this time, in my turmoil, I fell into the clutches of a big bad wolf narc who lead me to here… now breaking free 🙂 at this time, 4 weeks clear …
        Thanks again Mel, for your sweet release 🙂
        BTW. I connect with your energetic healing like a duck to water. ( ain’t she great folks? )
        Also, my ‘ inner ancestor family ‘ all say hello and thanks 🙂
        Oh Nana, stop it with the metaphysical knitting ( she likes to keep herself busy 🙂
        Just kidding, they don’t talk, huh… but they do heal, yey !

      • n61k4s78z2k@gmail.com'
        Jacalyn
        July 21, 2016

        I sehreacd a bunch of sites and this was the best.

      • 6icwc9mv5r@mail.com'
        town of salem hack coins
        February 15, 2017

        I love what you’re speaking to here.“When I allow myself to lean on others, I’m acknowledging what I need and who and where to go for the answers. That’s independence – knowing what you need and knowing how to get your needs fulfilled.” It’s so important to know who yourself in order to ask for the help you need. Thanks so much for sharing, Joanne.

      • 2g02wckgpc@hotmail.com'
        real need for speed no limits hack for android
        February 25, 2017

        Congrats Jenna and Brad!. I was at my daughters choir concert last night and heard a beautiful girls name “Tanaya Hope” It was a senior concert so they were honoring the graduating seniors in the choir and I just thought if I ever have another daughter I might have to take that name.

      • jdig3ik59@hotmail.com'
        carinsuance in Hyattsville, MD car
        May 11, 2017

        Thanks Julian. I have a scenario here. I have run a report from infoview which inturn has triggered a script at the backend. Now I realise, my report is not optimised. It either runs for a long time or fetches a huge amount of data, so I have stopped the report. But the query would still continue at the backend. Query can be killed if am a root user, from the backend. Is there a way to handle this from BO ? We are using BO Xi3.This behaviour is the same with oracle,netezza databases.Please suggest.Many Thanks,Sunehri

  • hhartbruce@gmail.com'
    Helen Bruce
    April 14, 2016

    Oh my goodness, Mel. So much of what Sylvia had to say here resonates powerfully with me. She sounds like a strong and beautiful person that has found herself and her place in life because of the up-leveling. To come out the other side and simply thrive. Wow! Much love, Helen xxxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Helen,

      Sylvia is an amazing person, as are sooo many gorgeous people in this Community are.

      She is inspirational, and total confirmation of what happens in our life when we go to the inner wounds to up-level them in our body, rather then trying to battle life in our minds!

      Mel xo

  • Kathryn.japhtha@hotmail.co.uk'
    Kathryn
    April 14, 2016

    Sylvia,
    I think we have lived the same life. I have spent most of my life trying to discover what was wrong with me. My unhappiness was minimised and dismissed from childhood and this continued into my second marriage, that now stands at 25 years. It has taken me until now to get to this point of knowing I had married a narcissist, I have been waiting to find the one marriage boundary to be crossed however, I would never really find out as he travelled. What I did find was he is a gambler But I then saw him as a victim and felt I would be throwing him under a bus and probably didn’t want to be seen as being in it just for financial support. I did end up asking him to leave and he moved out for three years but he still had the house keys and could come in whenever he wanted, I wanted to show I had nothing to hide and we still had our son at home; he came back after three years and said he had given up the gambling, I didn’t trust this but it took another three years to catch him. We are still together currently and I am trying to integrate myself as a person. Presently am doing my level 4 in counselling and have had the same lightbulb as you with the reasons behind doing this work. Some of what you said really stood out: needing to justify my existence, being really a small part of his life but all of my life was supporting him. The fear of the information on narcissists and how it builds on the fear of trauma that I believe was internalised when we were vulnerable children. And the playing so small, I always described myself as a facilitator rather than saying it was self sacrifice.
    Thank you
    Kathryn

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 15, 2016

      Hello Kathryn!
      You should be very proud of yourself for your amazing awareness! I can TOTALLY relate to your seeing the Narc as the victim… I did it with all 4 of mine…. I track that back to being severely scapegoated, held responsible for other’s feelings, and an inner programme that told me I must’nt stand up for myself, as I might hurt the feelings of the person abusing me! ??? I believed that everything was my fault.
      How amazing that we have had such similar experiences with the counselling! I know, that had I continued, I would have made a very poor counsellor as I would have become enmeshed with clients. And yes….I definitely” facilitated”! I believed that my life didn’t belong to me, and it was my job to help other get what they wanted – without being selfish enough to want anything for myself! How crazy! I have every confidence that you will find the peace and happiness you so richly deserve. Much love xxx

  • eschuetz@bluewin.ch'
    Erika Schütz from Switzerland
    April 14, 2016

    Dear Mel and dear Sylvia
    I want to thank you from the bottom of existence for your healing work here. I am finally coming home and the joy I am starting to get a glimpse at, is really the light at the end of the tunnel. After 14 years of an abusive narcissistic relationship from where I have two kids, (he left to his parents’ place when the boy was only 5 months old, I guess the work of raising two kids was not for him) and a narcissist father and older sister I finally touched the I can^t no more point. This February I was for the forth time in a row since 2015 with pneumonia in bed, I could not take any more pain and the grief was strangling my lungs and body. The levels of cortisol due stress had weekend my immune system. In bed I found you Mel and that was the turning point. I have has so many aha moments and finally the glimpse of freedom, freedom from this feeling something is definitely wrong with me. This 14 years I always asked God why, in order to be able to have this two angels from heaven (my kids) I had to go through hell with their father. I actually went through every possible healing procedures, becoming really good in keeping my calmness, went so deep to become twice cert. yoga teacher and meditation expert, read all I could find on male female psychology, downloaded all the course CITO, QSCA coaching You name it, but I was convinced that healing was possible for everybody else but not me.
    I so relate to what Sylvia and you are saying – this triggers had been going on still childhood… I just started NARP last week. but the transformation is starting to show effects. I am not linked to other peoples’ energy, I am finally holding my own ground. Yesterday my son turned 11 and as usual I expected his father to appear through the back door and I was astonished about myself, I was without fear, I did not send this ‘What am I doing wrong’ energy out. The evening was actually normal, but in a different way, I had the certainty that I am building strong boundaries, Jay!!!
    To finish my input for now:I love you Mel, I love you Sylvia I owe you my life and for the sake of the happiness of my kids and mine I bow to you in deep admiration and respect and eager to go on with NARP and this community and seeing what comes out of me and all of us.
    God Bless,
    Erika

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 15, 2016

      Hi Erica!
      What a hard time you have been through. I know what it is like to have your physical health (as well as your psychological) profoundly affected by abuse. That is one of the amazing changes that has happened in my life. I was plagued by chest infections, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, digestive problems, ulcers and also food intolerances. I am still intolerant to certain foods, but all of those other issues have disappeared. What I discovered during my spells of bad health, is that Narcs are unable to give support and empathy to those in need of it, either as a result of illness or any other issue. They simply don’t have the inner resources to deal with those situations, or the energy to grant to others – unless there is a pay-off. I am so glad you have started NARP! It has had miraculous results in my life and I know this will be true for you too. Good luck and much love xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Erika,

      I am so, so pleased you found your way to this Community and the NARP inner work.

      It is so true Erika that it does not matter what we pursue to heal (boy I had tried soon many different things!) that if we still have faulty inner beliefs we don’t have the right “dynamite” (tools) to remove those blocks.

      Such as that belief “others can heal but I can’t” …

      And many of us have had HUGE painful beliefs imprinted in our energy fields that were always going to sabotage our success … until we found them and up-levelled them.

      What a beautiful breakthrough you have experienced and please feel the love of myself and the entire Community for you and with you.

      You’ve got this Erika!!

      Mel xo

    • jenniforlife1@gmail.com'
      Jen
      June 13, 2016

      Dear Erika,

      I was struck by your comment that both your father and older sister are narcissistic. I grew up with the very same combination. It was extremely difficult as they certainly kept the sands shifting and me perpetually blindsighted and confused by their pathological lying, put downs, and contempt. My mother is a good woman, but really was as unsuited and unprepared to deal with their tricks and destruction as I was. My younger brother remained largely detached. I did not marry a narcissist, as I had done enough soul searching and reconstruction (to the degree that I could on my own), by the time I was in my mid twenties when I got married (and besides, the horror of marrying anything like them was enough to keep me on high radar and not go that route), and while neither my hubs nor I am perfect, we do have true love. And it just keeps getting better the more educated I am, the more self healing I do, and the more we support each other along the way. BTW, I also have an 11 year old son (and another son and daughter). 🙂 The parallels are interesting. I hope you have continued healing, peace, and joy in your life.

      Blessings,
      Jen M.

      • jenniforlife1@gmail.com'
        Jen
        June 13, 2016

        P.S.

        Erika,

        Also, like you, I asked God for many years why I had to go through so much hell – in my case, just to be alive, to exist, to be as entitled to be here as everyone else. It was so hard to hold on to the candle of my own soul and believe in it, when they kept trying to force their darkness around it, and convince me I didn’t even have a right to be human.
        Wow!!! I know how you feel.
        They are walking shells of human beings. Their souls have been murdered (unfortunately so often by their own parents), and they are empty spectors, full of self hate and agony. I feel sorry for the child or person they once were, before the deaths of their souls. But they don’t really exist anymore. Now they are machines of destruction. If there is any chance they can be really humanized, good for them. But I don’t know that, so they have to take care of that for themselves. I can honestly (and happily) say they no longer matter to me – they have no permission or power in my life.

        Happy journey!

        Blessings,
        Jen M.

  • Ambalab@gmail.com'
    Bhavna
    April 14, 2016

    Hi Mel and Sylvia. This show was everything for me. I am going through very similar things and I was raised by narcissistic parents too. Abuse is all I’ve ever known and I’ve continued to be attracted to narcissists and even after one recently devastated my life, I am noticing that a couple are still attracted to me and I to them. There are still hooks in me that I am working to get out of myself. This is a beautiful process and cannot be rushed. Would you say that you would take a break from romantic relationships till you feel you are ready and to a point in your healing where you feel solid about it? I feel that’s what I need to do. Maybe it’s different for everyone. Thanks -BhavZ

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 15, 2016

      Hi Bhavna!
      Keep working on those hooks…. I see the process as being rather like peeling an onion. There are so many layers…. just when I cleared a limiting belief or an inner programme, another one would pop up – and that’s still happening! It definitely cant be rushed. As for relationships, as I started to evolve, I simply didn’t have the need for a man the way I used too….I really thought that life wasn’t worth living unless I was attached to a partner, and much of this was ancestral. No woman in our family had ever “gone it alone”….and I thought people would think there was something wrong with me if I didn’t have a man. It may sound like a cliché, but we have to have a good relationship with ourselves, before we can healthily relate to others, so there nothing at all wrong with taking a sabbatical, while we practise loving ourselves. Good luck my dear xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Bhavna,

      I am so pleased the show resonated with you.

      That is fantastic that you are doing the inner work!

      The truth is we are always attracting people (especially intimately) who represent what we have emotionally mastered and POWERFULLY what we haven’t as yet (in other words our beliefs about ourselves, others, relationship and love) and if we know we still have painful beliefs, our logical mind is always going to try to PLAY OUT the validity of our beliefs.

      In other words convince us “why” to get attracted to, connected to and stay!

      (The brain follows the body – the beliefs – always).

      I always believe it is much healthier to give ourselves the time and space to clean up a lot before we get back out there!

      Mel xo

  • tosne@yahoo.com'
    Tosin
    April 14, 2016

    Thanks Mel and Sylvia for this interview. So much of what Sylvia said resonates with me. Especially the part where she said that the way she showed up in her relationships made people treat her in a narcissistic way even when theyre not narcissists in the real sense of the word! Its amazing that I have been agonizing about this and the answers came through this interview. I am also a very self-sacrificing person so much so that when I am in a relationship, I give so much of myself that doing so makes others treat me selfishly. This is a real eye opener for me. I also love the part she spoke about purpose. I am someone who believes I must have a purpose and in fact Ive read so many books that point to that. I have been driving myself up the wall in trying to discover my purpose and this triggers so much stress in my body. Now i know that once I am able to deal with all the traumas in my body, i will be able to have a new lease on life. I am still working on my NARP modules and each time I do, I see amazing results.

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 15, 2016

      Hello Tosin!
      I am SO glad you understood what I meant about non-Narcs behaving Narcissistically…….Mel hit the nail on the head when she said we teach others how to treat us, and that’s the point I was trying to make. I believe that when we treat ourselves poorly, others will almost always reflect that back to us in THEIR treatment of us – whether they are Narcs or not. I played so small and self-sacrificing, that I unconsciously invited others to be selfish, demanding and to think it was ok to hog the limelight at my expense! On the flip-side of the coin, I have sometimes found myself taking advantage of others who have had low self-esteem, and were desperate for approval, and Im certainly not a Narcissist! As for our purpose in life, I believe it is first and foremost to heal, and transform our false beliefs and painful programmes. Lots of love Tosin xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Tosin,

      how wonderful that Sylvia’s show granted you so many ah-ha’s!

      Oh gosh .. it is such a bucket of cold water in our face – and yet SOOO empowering when we realise how much we were involved in being the generator of our experience with others.

      (I hold my hand up also to everything you are saying here!!)

      It so, so cleans up the victim model and puts us back in our own driver’s seat to create a different life, plus it gives us something definitive that CAN work to work on! And that is exciting!

      Yes, 100%, your mission will unfold within the pure unfoldment (up-levelling) or yourself. Self and Life-force is too potent to not expand into it’s purpose when unleashed.

      THAT is all you need to focus on, and the rest will come.

      Mel xo

  • lorri.henry@yahoo.com'
    Lorraine
    April 15, 2016

    Thank you for broadcasting this Melanie.
    And Sylvia..spot on, Bingo you get it!
    Like an arrow to a bullseye.
    I have been a “Little Voice ” all my life, like in the movie.
    I use many “voices ” to fit in to try and find acceptance without success.
    Playing small.
    And I also seemed to have hooked into what I call The Cassandra Effect as in the Greek Myth.
    I see and feel things that I know are true but when I express them I meet anger
    and disbelief and if I persist i get punished. Or to fit with the myth, war breaks out!
    I feel this has happened to and continues to happen to many women who have intuitive insights that cut through the surface to the truth.
    I recently watched the movie Changeling which was a powerful representation of this and I recommend it.
    It had a huge impact on me, a real trigger.
    So Melanie and Sylvia I think you are examples of women who have this ability and I want to thank you for your inspiration .
    And making me feel brave enough to post this!

    Lorraine

    • tiad@earthlink.net'
      Tia Dobi
      April 15, 2016

      Thanks for this… I’ve never heard of the Cassandra Effect!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Lorraine,

      you are so welcome.

      Wow – re the Cassandra Effect … oh yes. HOW many of us can relate to having carried and played out those beliefs.

      I know sooo much of mine were “If I open my mouth I will be annihilated!” (That is literally how big it felt!)

      The relief when stuff like that is up-levelled, as well as the path of Life that opens is in stark contrast to how we could do life before … when those beliefs played out their validity, no matter what we tried to “think” to do it differently.

      Lorraine have you joined myself and other Thrivers in one of my Free Webinar Groups yet?

      I’d love you to if you haven’t yet!

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Thank you for your post and for coming forward – it’s time for you to break out of and heal “playing small” and I’d love to help you achieve that!

      Mel xo

      • lorri.henry@yahoo.com'
        Lorraine
        April 17, 2016

        Yes I have thank you Melanie
        I have the NARP course and am on the forum.

  • lorri.henry@yahoo.com'
    Lorraine
    April 15, 2016

    I forgot to say that I think we can carry an archytype and it may be from another lifetime or even from a collective of other peoples experiences, ancestral or even more generalised . And that any healing we can manage in ourselves helps the collective experience of that suffering.
    So I really want to emphasise that I feel Melanie is doing this work on a huge scale,healing back in time and into the future as well as the current time.

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 15, 2016

      Hi Lorraine!
      Isnt it sad that we felt we had to diminish ourselves so that others wouldn’t feel threatened? That we couldnt let our light shine brightly for fear of casting others into shadow? What a waste. And I totally get the Cassandra Effect……as a child I was often punished for telling the truth. I learned at a very young age to tell others what I thought they wanted to hear, and that became a survival technique that I used for several decades! I also believe that we have carried beliefs and programmes from other lives, and that we bring into this incarnation, everything we did not heal before we left our previous one. I haven’t seen The Changeling, but will definitely do so!
      Blessings to you Lorraine xxx

      • lorri.henry@yahoo.com'
        Lorraine
        April 15, 2016

        Thank you for hearing me and for your encouraging reply Sylvia .xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Yes Lorraine,

      it is sooo, sooo true that we need to go that deeply into our DNA to heal these imprints that have trapped us.

      That is what my work is all about.

      Mel xo

  • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
    Sylvia
    April 15, 2016

    Hi Bondon!
    I am thrilled that you have made the “money=love” connection. As I said, I tolerated some terrible treatment as long as a man was showing me “love” in the same way that my father had. Its probably one of the reasons that many of us stayed too long in abusive situations……it certainly was for me. Now, my false beliefs about money – I had so many. On a conscious level, I was a good earner, and was very entrepreneurial. I started a small business from home in the late 80s , which quickly became successful. I began to make quite a lot of money which seemed to disappear as fast as I made it! The more I earned, the less I had, and I can totally relate to what you said about getting a windfall, and then having things like cars break down…..that happened to me ALL THE TIME! Among the many limiting beliefs I eventually discovered were were:-
    1 .If I have money, someone will get jealous and take it all away.
    2. If I have money, I will alienate others.
    3. If I have money, others will dislike me (that felt like a death sentence to a consummate approval seeker such as me).
    I also had inherited beliefs from my parents and grandparents such as:-
    4. Only bad people have money.
    5. Those who have money are a pain in the butt.
    6. Those who have money have deprived someone else of it.
    When I started NARP, I did the modules in numerical order, as advised and am still doing temt. However, now and again, if I have something very specific that I want to shift, I use the Goal -Setting mod. And that’s the one that shifted so many limiting money beliefs for me. The first time I did it, I used the set-up intention “Prosperity is my birthright. I am deserving of abundance in all areas of my life”. I felt so much resistance, it was like hitting a brick wall, but after a while, that resistance disappeared, as I released and up-levelled my beliefs. My finances are so much healthier now, the difference is AMAZING. Earlier this year, I celebrated being totally debt-free for the first time in my life. I have even started saving money, which for me, is nothing short of a miracle! I hope this helps, and good luck my darling xxx

  • uoksainos@yahoo.com.ar'
    Sonia
    April 15, 2016

    Dearest Mel and Sylvia, I thought I would never leave a comment but this one broke the spell for me!! Of all the interviews I have listened to, where I always find something I can resonate with, this one did it the most.
    In short, ingrained beliefs such as I can’t stand out in the crowd or else…, I can’t be happy unless everyone else is too, God forbid if I ever get more attention than anyone else, it is only safe to have (and be) average or even less than that, I am not any good at making money, always dependant on being valued and appreciated by others in order to gain it, …. it all stems from our first relationship in childhood with our parents, where we experienced our first loving bond (or the lack of it more like it) sadly with adults that were as twisted as narcissists can be. From then on it is all downhill.
    In spanish there is a say it’s foolish to find comfort in other people’s misery, but I do, not because of all the outrageous, horrible things that happened, but because you are living proof to the rest of us that it was all worth it, not just survived it (I consider myself lucky just because of that most of the time) but like Mel likes to say THRIVE it.
    Bless the God within and everyone that makes this program possible!!!

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 15, 2016

      Hello Sonia!
      I am so, so glad that you DID leave a comment, and I hope this will be the start of you being “out there” and playing in life! I still cant believe, that with my past history of playing small – I have been on a radio show, said things that some may have found controversial, and not been at all worried about negative responses! This is such a turnaround for someone who once would not dare to even give an opinion, lest I angered someone! And I have Mel to thank….if I hadn’t found her after being held hostage by my X-narc, I don’t think I would have ever left the house again. And yes, you are so right about it all stemming from childhood. It was my own mother who taught me to play small, because she regarded me as her own exclusive property and wanted me to be invisible to others. I am so glad that my experiences have resonated with you. Kudos and blessings to you darling xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Sonia,

      like Sylvia, I am so pleased that you left a comment too!

      What a healing experience to come forward, be authentic and share like this!

      The “thing” about beliefs is this – no matter how crippling they are and have been, they are “just” (not to minimalise them in any way!) beliefs, meaning they are energy imprints that are wedged inside us that can be accessed, removed and replaced.

      One by one by one – and that is when we are released and expand into the glory of who we really are.

      That is the Thiver promise and way to heal. And that goes way beyond “survival” when we realise we need to stop trying to deal in our heads, and go inside our bodies and shift these painful old traumas and beliefs instead.

      Bless you and big hug!

      Mel xo

  • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
    JESS M
    April 15, 2016

    Hi..Thank you So much both of you. Sylvia Great you become a Moderator?. My story is Very like yours. I have taken 2 giant stand-out new beliefs away thanks to you. (Im routing them out but missed these biggies..Bless you for your openess that helps others..as you help me today)The ‘playing small’ & the “justifying our existence”; from the childhood of not showing Anything pretty much. I got the latter back with the former from smearing
    From vicious N neighbour & the latter..cowering & thr hiding away I did constantly & 30 yrs of a job I hated in nursing to get ‘Status’. Almost killed me.
    A Question: the ‘playing small’: did that just naturally heal as a result of all the process of NARP; or did you take it as an intention into a Goal Module?
    Interestingly as I ask this: I see one rel.with who I ‘thought'(in my Massive Fear: you spoke about); was the other N here where I live, was; as you said; my Coda issues being a match for N-type matches in just about anyone I viewed as threatening in my massive contracted fear state.. The lady I was terrified of has become a friend & was in my house today! A miracle..I used to post about her being like “a guard dog” & I ordered the PTSD book by Pete Walker but soon discarded it as; I saw my cure in QFH(as you both said)…it holds no interest & just read the intro as it took me away from the Inner work & Catapulted me so fast into Victim that I stopped breathing & felt awful:.compared to the divine Love Always of QFH.
    My sticking point is the playing small.
    Maybe I ask you the answer only my own soul knows!? Is it that my whole life; I sought.advice to my own life that no one could answer but me! But I would be interested. I used to do Palliative care also!! Massive similarities. Thank you xx- From Jess M-Bristol, UK.

  • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
    JESS M
    April 15, 2016

    P.S. And the :”justifying my existence”…that is the “inauthentic self” Yes?
    What would the opposing be..”I stand firm and strong from a place if my own authenticity co-creating my truth with Source and Life” ??
    When it is Such a set pattern it is hard to
    See the Truth. Please…

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 15, 2016

      Hi Jess!
      I didn’t even realise I HAD been playing small, until I did Module One. That released the terrible pain of an inner child who was not allowed to have friends, birthday parties, and was denied the freedom to pursue hobbies and pastimes that might lead to her being influenced by other people, and lessen her mothers vice-like hold on her. I got angry on that childs behalf, and was determined I was not going to creep around apologising for myself any longer! God – or Source – did not send any of us to this earth to be diminished……what would be the point? I am determined to be all I can be, to make the most of my gifts and talents and uniqueness. I hope you will do that too Jess…..I think you will!
      Much Love xxx

  • Lauriediane811@gmail.com'
    Laurie
    April 15, 2016

    Thank you Sylvia! I have received two wonderful awakenings from your talk. Being small. As a child betraying the family if I had fun friends or prosperity apart from the family. Also the way you described your state of being in a black hole was exactly like what I had been experiencing for months before I started listening to Mel and then starting the modules. I did not realize until now that it was all from my experiences and trauma. The similarity felt affirming and compelled me to resolutely continue the journey within.
    Thank you and Mel so much you are saving my life.
    Laurie

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 15, 2016

      Hi Laurie!
      Wow! Our childhoods sound very similar. Isnt it sad, that as children we were not allowed to enjoy childhood? What should have been a magical, carefree time for us – wasn’t. The opposite, in fact. I became hyper-sensitive at a very young age, to the feelings and moods of others. That’s not something a child should ever have to go through, little ones simply don’t have the emotional maturity and resources as to cope with it, but are forced to as a matter of survival – and that’s what does the damage. And we should never have been made afraid to be successful, prosperous and “out there” in life. But, our parents were deeply unconscious wounded children trying to get us to meet their needs, rather than the other way round. I am delighted you are “Narping” Laurie, and I know it will transform your life the way it has mine. Lots of love to you xxx

    • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
      JESS M
      April 15, 2016

      Hi Laurie
      Thanks for what you shared.
      I too; had a very very similar experience growing up But with me…
      It was cloaked..always in “fun”(Very very confusing for a kid)..like the Rio carnival/ huge parties: of the
      Covert n mum with her intellect Somatic N husband(my Dad)..I had 2..
      It was terribly confusing. It was like sitting back…never talking & watching a show. Mum was the beauty & Dad just constantly talked At us(he speaks 13 languages)…
      As we landed in Latin America when I was 5 I said:”what language do they speak here then!”…it was funny apparently but exhausting growing up…all that accompanying Dad to his hobbies of geology and constant languages & high brow chats over my head @ dinner parties & being flown around the world on trans-Atlantic planes till 7!
      I grew up with very very low self esteem
      And was Shocked to get x3 offers of Uni places…I Never took them up…just had to keep proving “I was not “thick”!!
      Then a “Distinction”: in Art…I wept..it was not a normal reaction.
      With this growing up …everything waS laid on…from our thoughts ..and I never got a chance to have/make friends.
      Thank God for NARP….childhoods with n parents is awful…the land of the “Self Absorbed”!! I am reconnecting to my birth in Africa & dance now Instead of the career the n mum chose for me!! Blessings.Jess M/my birthname:”Jude”…who Am I…I find out !!! XX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Laurie,

      I am so pleased I could help!

      How wonderful you received awakenings from Sylvia’s interview, and now you are determined to keep going inwards!

      Mel xo

  • caroliramos65@gmail.com'
    Dogwood5
    April 15, 2016

    I appreciated the comment, that if one doesn’t have a strong identity, then one won’t have strong boundaries. That helps me forgive myself.

    My mother expected me to comply with her every time she asked me to do house hold chores. Even going to Church had to be complied with. I never felt i could say, i don’t want to go. I may have mentioned it once. Because i could not say no without fear of my mother’s wrath, i felt i didn’t know who I was. I was just a yes person.

    The one time my mom asked me how i felt about her disciplining me i was too afraid to be honest. So i said i hated myself. Why was i so bad, and started crying, so i could receive comfort and love from her.

    Finally when i felt my mother didn’t fully trust my love of her, it was too much for me. Now she wanted to control the best part of me.

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 15, 2016

      Hi Dogwood5!
      Compliance was a big thing in my family home too. Of course children need loving discipline and guidance, and also consequences for certain behaviours, but enforced compliance – just for the sake of it – is terribly damaging. Its all my father cared about. For instance, he believed that if a child expressed a dislike for a certain type of food, then they should be force-fed that food. Not because of any nutritional concerns, but just to “show the kid who’s the boss”. Those were his actual words! That caused me to believe I had no rights over my own body, and what went into it. I also know what its like to be scared of your own mother and afraid to be honest. You obviously have a lot of awareness darling, and that will only increase…..you are on a wonderful healing journey and I wish you love and luck xxx

  • tricote73@mail.com'
    Trina
    April 15, 2016

    Thank you Sylvia for bravely sharing your Thriver story! It was so inspiring to listen to, and I could relate to most of your experiences with Ns as well- starting with my mother, then several more throughout my life. I started NARP last December after the last undeniable doozy of an N and have committed to changing my life from the inside out.

    I’m at a stage of digging deeper with regard to my mother now and the distorted belief that you shared about “learning to play small to avoid getting punished” so resonated with me. It helped to put a finger on it in a way I haven’t yet before. It is still something I feel around her- restrained, holding back so as not to rock the boat- I show up as a diminished self and it has become so habitual, I don’t even really notice until afterwards and it takes a day or so to recuperate. I can definitely see how it has worked its way into my life in so many other ways as well- with career, finances, health, other relationships, withholding permission to feel joy and do good things for myself. It’s really quite profound! I’m wondering if there was something in particular that you focussed on to uproot and uplevel this limiting belief? I’m thinking of even jump starting things with an affirmation (the 11/11 one), but not sure how to word it to flip things around for the better. Alternatively, was there a particular module you found helpful for working through this?

    Thanks to both of you, Sylvia and Melanie for more ah-ha’s and awakenings!
    Trina

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Trina,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased this interview helped you! And it’s lovely to hear from you in this post!

      I’ll let Sylvia reply to what she did to help you out with your question.

      Mel xo

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Trina!
      Yes. I agree, its amazing how being a diminished childhood can impact every area of our adult life. Playing small is such a life-draining dynamic, and it results in us turning away from chances and opportunities that would significantly better our lives. My situation is slightly different from yours, as my mother has been deceased for many years now, but her legacy lived on, because I was attracted to others who expected me to play small, so that they didn’t feel insecure, and that they could have the limelight. And of course, that’s a powerful hook for Narcissistics. When I discovered how my mother had kept me down and forced me to play small, I was SO angry…….if she hadn’t already been dead, I think I would have killed her! But what helped me such a lot was Module No. 4, about Betrayal and Injustice. I released so much pain around being diminished by my own mother – the very person who should have WANTED me to shine, and be all I could be. My set-up Intention was ” I am a Divine Unique Being, here to bring my individuality and creativity to the world, and to enjoy all that it brings to me”. Boy, did I meet some resistance when I first did that? I heard a voice screaming in my head “Who do you think you are? How dare you! You are here to fit in with others, don’t DARE be so selfish!”. As I did the Module again and again, that voice disappeared. I hope this has helped Darling. Good luck! xxx

  • theresafloyd3@yahoo.co.nz'
    TF3
    April 15, 2016

    Hi,
    I have followed Melanie’s blog for the last 2.5 years, since I finally managed to break up from the what I know now is a narcissist ( psychopath mixed in for good measure!) My 2 children and I have had to pick ourselves up and somehow with the help and incredible support of friends and distant family as then living in NZ, plus online education, and above all faith, managed to get through and successfully fought back. I learnt so much about myself, my loss of boundaries, the red flags that I ignored right from the beginning and above all how far I have come from suicidal to recovering. I am still healing as I cannot bear to allow anyone else in my life as self preservation is now so strong and previously enjoyed my own company. I am now having to educate my children in how to deal with their father as they receive the same treatment of mind games, control and manipulation.
    I managed to call his bluff and eventually through his continual lying the lawyers realised what they were truly dealing with. It was a great moment when the children’s lawyer, supported me to leave for the UK (home) with my children, after she too became subject to his manipulation after being his ‘greatest fan’ from the beginning. She ended up in tears when he used her name to substantiate a lie to further his own cause.
    I am now focused on regaining my old career and proudly supporting myself and my children. I do still have to pull myself up every now and again as he still invades my thoughts, PTSD from the abuse in our whole 12yr marriage. I do still need to work through this and maintain no contact as much as I can with children involved, only minimal email contact despite him trying to ‘pull’ me in with his nonsense, as I view it now.
    As Sylvia recounts I too was a sufferer of my mother’s narcissistic abuse as she made me feel a failure no matter what I did and/or prove I could be a success. I now believe that due to her own suffering from her mother she was probably jealous of my future as a child and made me feel unworthy of love. Years ago I cut contact with her for over a year as I felt I had done enough of trying to prove myself as in reality there was no empathy or insight. Since this episode we have resumed our relationship and it has improved.
    I have to ‘step away’ occasionally to look back and realise how much my children and I have achieved in the last couple of years, plus the fact I am still here to tell the tale. Like Sylvia I have had to become an ‘expert’ on narcissism and through this education I can be more mindful of the way I approach life, view people and above all have healthy boundaries. Plus most importantly impart this knowledge to my children to further their independence of thought, and self preservation to enjoy life as it should be.

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 16, 2016

      Hello TF3!
      What great awareness you demonstrate, regarding your mothers woundedness. Although there have been times in my journey when I felt bitterly angry toward my late mother, I now feel great compassion for her – and my Dad, because they both had horrendously painful childhoods. Its not that Ive forgiven them, I have come to feel that there IS nothing to forgive. Im so glad that you have up-levelled your boundaries too. I believe that we are all BORN with boundaries. Have you ever seen a baby with low self-esteem, or a toddler who is afraid to say NO? Unfortunately others – and life experiences – wear them down, and weaken them. And not having to prove yourself is such a relief, the freedom is incredible. TF3…..I think your children are very lucky! Much love xxx

  • angelsone@sbcglobal.net'
    angelsone (Dorothy)
    April 16, 2016

    Yes, each N relationship does get worse. My “money” was crumbs of affection. Each N love bombed me, and I was hooked. Of course the N can not sustain any real relationship and by 4 months the mask cracks. That is what triggered my obsession. As a child my adoptive father paid no attention to me. He was either detached or engaged in bullying or intimidation. My aunt gave long solent treatments at a whim. These could go on for weeks. Sometimes both my uncle and I were the victim of these spells. That is the only time we were somewhat on the same side. It was hard when she would talk with him and pretend I did not even exist. The N relationships were all men in positions of power and authority. Every one of them. All charming up front and then totally unavailable. I tried as a child to get their love. Instead, I was completely controlled. That is where obsession had its roots in my life. Right now I am getting relief from this by working the modules and braving to stay alone with myself. I heard what Sylvia said about shrinking out of fear of hurting some one else. This I could relate to 100%. Now, I am connecting to source and will come out of my healing hiatus empowered and self validated. For now, I appreciate the support of the forum. It is helping me to keep on my course.

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 16, 2016

      Hi Dorothy!
      Your comments resonate with me so much…..feeling ignored by a parent is so painful. And the silent treatment….oh boy have I been there! That is such a cruel and damaging thing to do to a child. When my mother did it to me, it was so frightening, I would feel like I was dying. When I experienced it as an adult, it would trigger the most horrendous abandonment fears. Its funny, because I too, was attracted to Authority Figures, or at least people who BEHAVED authoritatively, and all my Ns did that! I think that was my inner child desperately trying to get approval, a pat on the head from an Important Person – in other words, a parent. Im so glad you are doing NARP, I cant recommend it highly enough. I use it for so many issues, including things that aren’t even connected to abuse. Much Love to you sweetheart xxx

      • angelsone@sbcglobal.net'
        Angelsone (Dorothy)
        April 16, 2016

        It is interesting when you mentioned you felt like dying. When I was working module 9 last night and focussing on fear of letting go of the N, it asked what came up at the thought of letting go. Immediately “fear of dying” was the first thing! I thought that was interesting. The N completely ghosted me about a month ago. In the past when he used to do that or give me the silent treatment, I would literally plead and beg. A panic would set in and I would feel like a cat tossed off a 9 story building. I could see myself flailing and trying to grab hold of something. The obsession would be tremendous. However, this time I thanked God. I sent a text message a week after I did not hear from him to ask if he was finished with me. After 15 minutes of no reply, I sent another saying his silence is my answer and that I would not disturb him again. I haven’t. There was no fear of abandonment that surfaced. I think it is because I have been busy working of my inner child. I placed his number on the blocked call and message list with my phone carrier! Thank you for your response that might shed some light on that. I read a novel once, Clan and The Cave Bear, or something like that. In it a character was killed by the tribe by pushing her away. No one was allowed to interact with her at all. She was considered dead. This was the worse form of punishment. I continue to work these modules diligently. I revisited the MP3 on how to get the most out of the modules yesterday and put that into effect immediately. I no longer need to fall asleep. I will write the exercises. I got so much out of what I have been doing. However, most of the time I was just listening and visualizing without writing. I so much want to move beyond this place that if Mel said to stand on my head in the corner of the room, I would probably try that out! LOL

  • mbrooklucas@gmail.com'
    Mi
    April 17, 2016

    Hi Sylvia
    Thank you to you and Mel for having the courage to speak about your experience. There were many things you mentioned that I can relate to and I appreciate your perspective. I am beginning to realise that so many of the symptoms I have had since my childhood is because of narc abuse. My mother was a narcissistic as was her mother and when you mentioned about your mum not liking when you enjoyed yourself and had fun and that is why you played small, I really relate to that. I spent a lot of time hiding my enjoyment from my mum so she wouldn’t get angry and then she would criticize me for being too serious. She would give the silent treatment when I didn’t comply with her wishes and due to sexual abuse from a babysitter and multiple physical and emotional; abuse from my brother (who has now taken over as the Narc in my family of origin as my mum has since passed and is enabled by my father), and subsequent boyfriends and girlfriends I grew up feeling my emotional well-being was not important and with very few boundaries and a feeling of utter guilt if I was to ever protect myself or stand up for myself, even though I would stand up for others without question. I had to stay small because that’s all I deserve. I can also relate to wondering what my purpose is and then spending so much time rescuing, counseling and caring for others (friends and family), I thought this was the answer to my feeling no purpose. I did a counselling course as well. Could this be what I was supposed to do with my life? Will this make me good enough? But really it was just a great big diversion from doing what I was suppose to be doing, which is helping myself by healing my inner wounds and developing my boundaries skills so I can recover from the abuse that has been there all my life. That I think is my real priority. I also find that the more I discover about Narc abuse, the more afraid I become and panic attacks have started again. Where as if I focus on doing the modules in NARP, things just feel better overall. Thanks so much for your insight, it helps putting the pieces together so much easier.

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      April 17, 2016

      Hi Mi!
      Wow, I can relate to so much of what you have said here, especially about your mum not liking to see you enjoying yourself, but also criticising you for being too serious! If my mother saw me having fun, she would humiliate me by saying I had made a complete fool of myself, but then would castigate me for being too self-conscious! Its impossible to win with Narcs. Im so glad that you are concentrating on your own healing now, instead of using diversionary tactics, which is exactly what I did too. My chronic co-dependency kept me focused on fixing others, so that I didn’t have to look at my own issues. I too, felt guilty about defending myself in any way, feeling that I musnt hurt the feelings of the abuser! Crazy isn’t it? But when you grow up with crazy, you think its the norm! Good luck with your journey Mi, and much love xxx

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    April 18, 2016

    Hi there. Loved this interview and the metaphor of the wolf. It’s been coming up alot lately. I am reaching out today, because tomorrow I am facing the big bad wolf in court. It is the first time I will be in the same room as he, in 4 years. I am self representing, and am a little nervous. He has made some strong claims that have some merit, but they are intended to relieve him from making any support payments. While I am clear that having my paperwork together, is important, I am abundantly clear that it is my state of being that matters most. I am standing for yet surrendering the outcome. I am standing for what is fair, and standing for being in detachment and not reactivity. I am standing for being in my body and strength, and am preparing myself to be present and not dissociate. I am preparing to have my voice, and yet letting go of the need to win justice at all costs. It is a fine line and yet the difference is huge. I am standing for having what I need within, while inviting the support of others as I walk in to the court. I will let self doubt and his probable attempts to silence me, bully me, upset me, pass through me and not grab hold. I am working the need for justice module a lot right now. Thanks for your support and prayers. No matter what, to stand, to speak, and to act on my behalf is a life empowered, no matter what the outcome!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 20, 2016

      Hi Ruth,

      I adore your orientation – you are soo on it!!

      And you are so right, it is hugely empowering – and incredibly freeing to be authentic and no longer attached to outcomes – because that is where the power and the juice is!

      Please let us know how you are and how you went.

      Mel xo

  • bevy1924@gmail.com'
    bev
    April 22, 2016

    Dear Sylvia and Mel,
    Last night I was having trouble sleeping after being contacted “out of the blue” by my vampiric ex-“lover”. It had taken close to a year to completely purge the toxicity and obsessive thinking that tortured me as a result of being played by this creature passing as a human. A few months ago I’d begun to feel the slimy leftover energy of that relationship finally lift from my heart and soul. I was able to lose a significant amount of weight, lost my taste for alcohol, I sleep through the night with nothing but a little melatonin, I no longer consult a pendulum every five minutes for answers to questions I already know the answer to and I am not beleaguered with mysterious aches and pains. Just one random email from him (and it was a doozy of high weirdness, asking me to come over to his house that night when I have moved 800 miles west of his creepy latitude and therefore, would be unable to do such a thing without dematerializing through time and space). I did not respond and don’t have plans to, however, it pulled that toxic energy back into my “field” and disturbed my sleep. I do think they have a sixth sense that you are slipping away energetically and intuit when to attempt the hoover. (I don’t think he will attempt contact again, however, because he is the shy, tortured version of this disorder and is easily discouraged).
    As I often do when I can’t rest my mind, I turned on Mel and Empowered Love Radio. I nearly jumped out of bed listening to Sylvia’s story, it resonated so deeply and completely with my own. (Thank you for your brilliant and succinct articulation of complex ideas, Sylvia!) I realized a few years ago that my mother was a deeply disturbed narc and that many natural talents and gifts I possess were neglected because of the extremely negative response I received from her when attempting to express them. “Stop showing off”, “you’re too big for your britches” and “get out of the way, stop dancing/singing/expressing joy, you’re blocking the TV” were everyday responses that I assumed was the norm in everyone’s homes. It had taken me until my 50th decade around the sun to be able to pursue the path I was born to be on from birth. I’m still fragmented and not as focused as I would like to be but I’m at least getting out of my own way. I’ve grieved the life I might have had had I been nurtured and loved as a child and am now following my yellow brick road. Like so many others here, I have lived a lifetime as a little gray mouse in a nest of narc/vipers feeding off of me.
    I really resonated hugely with Sylvia’s revelation of playing small and being gray so as not to stir the viciousness that lies just beneath the surface of these disturbed creatures’ facades. Like Sylvia, my mother would fly into a rage if I expressed emotion. I was never allowed to express my true feelings about anything, joy or sorrow and everything in between and have lived my entire life in a state of emotional confusion and over analyzation of absolutely everything! It is a terrible way to live and leaves one in a state of constant anxiety. I’m now working on living my life following the philosophy of “if it walks like a duck, etc….” as well as the ancient wisdom of the ages found in the Dead Sea scrolls, that of giving zero f**ks!! Not about the big stuff that matters, of course, as a compassionate empathic person, I will always care deeply about the state of the world I live in and the creatures I share it with, but now I am vigilant as a hawk when I sense someone working behind the scenes to enmesh me or emotionally blackmail me. I have finally come to realize that I have to be willing to lose any relationship if it means not living in integrity for me or hiding my gifts so as not to trigger the insecurities and delusions of whom ever I may be with at the moment. I want to give an example of this here: I have always been able to sing and I remember starting at around 8 or 9 years old, purposely singing off key or badly because the positive attention I received from those around me was so intensely uncomfortable for me. Now, at the age of 63, I am getting up on stage at open mics at cabaret clubs and working on losing my awkward, self effacing attitude about something I love doing and do relatively well, instead of hiding and pretending I’m not worthy. It is very liberating. But also, like Sylvia, I also feel that strong sense of inner peace that it doesn’t really matter whether I pursue something or not. If I want to lie on my bed reading for the rest of my life, that’s okay, too. I’m no longer interested in impressing you or making you feel comfortable by not threatening you by mirroring your own delusions about yourself. There’s no race, there’s no finish line. Believing as I do in the energetic universe, I know in my soul that we are consciousness in a body and that doesn’t die!
    So I thank you, Melanie Tonia Evans, and Sylvia. What a brilliant show that was to listen to and what a relief it is to just be me. You are doing the work of the angels, Melanie. I think you are a truly brilliant woman. I believe we all have genius to express in something and you have definitely found your genius.
    Thank you all. I hope I haven’t rambled on too long or am too incoherent. First time on this board.
    bev

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      May 1, 2016

      Hi Bev,
      Sorry for the late reply, I didn’t realise until this morning that new comments had been left. I love the wisdom of the Dead Sea Scrolls….Zero F***s! That’s my sort of wisdom! That is so weird, you mentioning deliberately singing off key. In my younger years, I was quite a good singer, and I had a friend who repeatedly told me I was rubbish, and not to embarrass myself by doing Karaoke….so you see, years after my mother died I was still attracting people who wanted to keep me down so I didn’t outshine them. I would laugh in the face of people who acted like that now – they wouldn’t see me for dust. I totally agree with you about Narcs having a 6th sense….I believe they develop that as part of their false self, its almost like a highly sophisticated radar defence system, designed to protect them against losing supply. Like you, I am no longer prepared to lose myself to be in relationships and friendships, and that’s something I just used to accept as being necessary…. being myself equalled being alone, and that’s something I couldn’t countenance…How crazy! My relationship with myself is the most important thing to me now, and all others flow from that. Im so glad you are singing again -go girl! Don’t let anyone ever put you in the corner again….much love to you Bev, and good luck xxx

  • eva.tom@gmail.com'
    Ewe
    April 27, 2016

    Dear Mel & Sylvia,

    Thank you both for such an amazing interview and sharing your story, Sylvia, i connected to it a lot. Firstly, the way your dad treated you, being emotionally unavailable and on the other side showering you with gifts, that you were then seeking in other men, synchronises with me a lot. On top of that (as my father is a narcissist), i confuse love for abuse and attract such males into my life. Not just intimate partners, also business partners, friends…and it seems after all the knowledge i have about narcs, sociopaths etc, this was not enough to stop attracting them into my life. What i understand now is i need to deal with an emotional charge of past traumas to fully heal and only then things will change. I feel blessed to find Mel and her QHP that i am now committed to.

    What i struggle with a lot is how to be here with me, committed to myself, this is so alien to me. I started NARP a month ago, and still in between i will get massivelly distracted, put other people first, please others…am wondering how long does it take to grow out od this conditions that are limiting me in living an authentic life.

    Secondly, Sylvia, there is something you were talking about in the interview that really grabbed my attention and would like to ask you something privately (couldnt PM you on the forum). I would really appreciate if you could email me (i left my email to write this post) as there is something in your story that triggered me & cant stop thinking about it (here we go again, obsessive thoughts :)) It would be of great help if i could share this with you.
    Hopefully to hear from you soon.

    Thank you both for sharing & inspiring us that are going through similar difficulties of life. And congratulations to both to be able to save yourselves from a grip of codependency and addictions. That is the Greatest Life achievement. Xx

    Love, e.

  • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
    Sylvia
    May 1, 2016

    Hi Ewe!
    I am so glad my story resonated with you…..when I was going through it, I felt totally alone, and its wonderful to discover that many others have connected to my experiences. I cant find your e-mail darling, but here is mine:- sylvia7@talktalk.net Please contact me, I will be happy to answer any questions you would like to ask. Hope to speak soon, love Sylvia xxx

  • belindabryce780@gmail.com'
    Bee
    May 7, 2016

    I’m not sure where to start. I am an adoptee, adopted by parents at a time they were already having marriage issues. My father was definitely an N, drank, gambled, womanised etc. My mother so desperate to save her marriage neglected us during that time. As I was my father’s ‘favourite’ child, I always felt punished by that from my mother who eventually left my father and brought my sister and I up on her own. I always felt she was punishing me, I was never good enough no matter how hard I tried to show her. Eventually, I gave up trying to show her and just wasted my years at school. By this stage though, I was constantly living in a fog that I could never understand. It never felt right but I could never understand it until recently. I am 50 and have been separated from my N of 23 years for 9 weeks now. It has taken this time away from the situation, plenty of reading, a great counsellor, being told about your website, to finally discover what has been happening in my life. I feel like history has almost repeated itself but wthout the drinking to excess and the gambling, though he has allowed his business to become less and less viable most recently. I am also seeing away from the situation, how much clearer I am again thinking now that the anxiety and depression that he has blamed on the demise of our marriage to everyone around him, including our teens. I’ve had one full emotional breakdown as I tried to get him to stop and own up to his affairs and then have to listen to all the things he admired about them that I apparently didn’t possess and another breakdown when he left 9 weeks ago for someone else, left me feeling abandoned, depressed and helpless. My teens also blaming me for their father leaving.

    I have no job at present but in 9 short weeks, I can’t believe how much stronger I am feeling now that I have come to understand ‘the dance’ my ex and I were doing. I’ve felt for years that our marriage was becoming like my relationship with my father, not normal but didn’t know what it was, that it had a name. Instead I spent too much time on trying to work out if I was bipolar, schizophrenic etc that was constantly being placed on me by my ex. I wanted out years ago but was told if I left, he would make sure I would never see our kids again. Scared of his threats, I stayed.

    Thank you for your fabulous website that not only informs but also works on healing the victim. I enjoyed hearing Sylvias story at 2am this morning when I couldnt sleep. I am about to sign up. No longer a victim but a survivor and looking forward to my future. ?

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