Melanie Tonia Evans

What To Do When The Narcissist Wants To Be Your Friend

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0
38
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

After severing ties with a narcissist it’s likely that they will have tried to maintain contact in some form …

They may have even put the question to you – do you want to stay friends?

This can be a very difficult offer to say no to, after all, you most likely shared parts of yourself with this person that you have never shared with anyone else. And there were those times that they made you feel so special and understood.

The thought of saying “No” and letting this go forever can be incredibly daunting. Trust me … I’ve been there.

And maybe like me, you were confused with this question, “What is it with narcissists having friendships with exes?” And maybe like me, you were considering … Maybe it is possible! Or … maybe this person is not really a narcissist because they are friends with exes.

I remember feeling very confused regarding narcissist number 2 having female friendships when I thought that a narcissist, after breaking up, is all about belting your life up and making it unbearable, in the most horrific of discards … or turning the tables by smearing you to all and sundry.

The truth is: Yes, some narcissists absolutely do have friendships with exes, and it can be a key way in which they retain sources of narcissistic supply.

If you are kept in the friendship loop, as a potential hoover, or an ear to turn to whilst simultaneously making sure that you still are hurting, sad or unhealed over the narcissist – that makes them feel significant.

I have to say that I have very rarely even heard a sniff of a positive friendship with a narcissist after people have been in a relationship with them. Mostly what I have heard in this community, over the years, is the torment that ongoing friendships with narcissists have caused people.

Because they are fraught with personal agenda.

And … I have met people in this community who have been trapped as the narcissist’s friend for several decades and have never moved on because of their connections to them.

This Thriver TV episode will be helpful to you if you’ve had a hard time letting go of the possibility of a friendship with the narcissist.

And it will help you to understand why narcissists invariably want to keep you as supply.

If you are currently on speaking terms with the narcissist it will help you understand how to start breaking away, and I’m also going to cover exactly what you need to do to release yourself from a situation that may be very painfully lopsided.

I hope that this video has helped clarify for you the truth about a friendship with a narcissist, just as I had to get very clear about this myself. I look forward to answering your questions and comments below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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38 Thoughts on What To Do When The Narcissist Wants To Be Your Friend
  • Marciasevans72@gmail.com'
    Simone
    October 22, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    Great video, I love now how you reference the key module for a certain issue, that is super helpful. Thankyou.
    Thriving Narper
    Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 23, 2017

      Hi Simone,

      that is wonderful that you are Thriving!

      It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased that was helpful 🙂

      Mel xo

    • Yvonne4082003@yahoo.com'
      Yvonne
      October 26, 2017

      Oh so sad that your banking on this problem that is not spoke upon. So does it make you right ??? No! My dear you have a one minded approach on this subject. You don’t have to be in love as your so stressing upon pretty silly of you to say. What if this person wants to get away and is not in love with man or woman? Touch on the subject of the narcissist won’t leave because in his mind it’s a “WE” have to or we are stuck situation ? Speak about how to get away who do you ask for help that will believe ?? There isn’t any help not even from doctors nor police. You sit here and tell a dramatic perfect story and all you need is to buy your cd in which I may add does not make a lot of sense. This is a huge problem that your profiting on. Such a disappointment

  • shanam81@gmail.com'
    Shana
    October 22, 2017

    I’m definitely loving this scenario right now. I have realized it was for narcissistic supply when I was starting to pull away and now I’ve been “discarded” all over again for thinking we could be friends. I know what I have to do and that is get back on the modified contact (we share a child) bandwagon! I am a bit upset with myself, but I know now what I need to work on within me. Great video! Thanks Melanie!

    • shanam81@gmail.com'
      Shana
      October 22, 2017

      Living NOT loving!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 23, 2017

      Hi Shana,

      that is great that you have that clarity now!

      Wishing you wonderful strength and healing.

      Mel xo

  • heatherleewarner@hotmail.com'
    Heather
    October 22, 2017

    This episode could’ve have come at a more perfect time. I “tried” to go no contact but I find myself obsessing over and looking for the ways he will try and contact me. I figure we could be friends, right? So, I break “no contact” again, making sure I keep some boundaries. This last time he included an invitation for a rendezvous I that I’m finding very tempting. As I have been considering spending time with him I know it’s rooted in my brokenness but I fantasize about “just one last time” and start rationalizing how it won’t really hurt anything or anyone. It is totally like touching a hot stove… I know it will burn and hurt! I appreciate the direction to work through module 2… I don’t know why I keep dragging my feet… I guess I’m afraid of giving him up. It’s hard for myself to help my self, yet I know there’s nothing else to do. Thanks to you Melanie for all that you have brought to my awareness. My progress is slow but I see movement and so much has changed since I started with NARP.

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      October 22, 2017

      Of course it is tempting. He has set it all up that way. He isolated you to the point to where you feel like you have no where else to turn.
      Now you do. You have Melanie, you have us, this forum, these fellow survivors learning to thrive! Work through the modules, do some Yoga, go for nice walks, do some Falun gong, Tai Chi, start really looking after your health; get good nutrition, watch funny movies, and realize you do not have to give in to his blandishments. He is a pit of misery, and misery loves company.
      Happiness loves company too, and you are now free to choose: Happiness, or misery.
      There is a Native American saying: You have two wolves in your heart: one is curious, interested in life, has a great sense of humor, and is kind and loving. The other is sad, angry and sick a lot. The wolves are in a competition for which one will rule your heart and live. The other will die.
      Which wolf will live? The one to which you pay the most attention; the one you feed.
      It is your choice: feed the happy wolf, and that one will rule your heart. Feed the angry wolf……
      You get the picture, yes?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 23, 2017

      Hi Heather,

      as I read your post, those memories of “just one last time it’s not hurting anyone – I can handle it!” came back to me. I TOTALLY know where you are and how it feels.

      You CAN do this Heather. I did, and I know you can too.

      It’s time and myself, NARP and this incredible Community have your back.

      Mel xo

  • richtamms@yahoo.com'
    Kay
    October 22, 2017

    Friends? With a narcissist? Impossible. They do not really understand the meaning of the word “friend” or anything about true friendship. There is no being friends with a narcissist. They just want you around for supply.

    If you have to deal with a narcissist in any way, you have to keep up your boundaries and never let your guard down. You cannot reveal anything of your life to them beyond what is absolutely necessary; for example, if you share custody of a child with a narcissist.

    You also have to be on guard concerning mutual friends or acquaintances that might want you to get back with the narcissist. Eventually you may find you have to be very careful regarding that friendship as well. Those people do not understand what the narc put you through.
    Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

    • sonya.weiss@btinternet.com'
      Sonya
      October 23, 2017

      Kay that is SO true – Narcissists are incapable of friendship – which is very sad for them but not our problem and a very good reason for
      us to stay away from them – I am going to keep saying this to myself – every time I am tempted to let one back in – Narcissists are incapable of friendship

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 23, 2017

      Hi Kay,

      I totally agree, disconnect set strong boundaries and then heal, live and Thrive.

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • casting@sasharobertson.com'
    Sash
    October 22, 2017

    Dear Mel, This is a brilliant video and has helped me today. I have been really struggling. I have been doing NARP for 18 months and your videos and blogs are invaluable. But I am stuck in this area. I have 2 teenage children who live me and with him also. He lives 10 minutes away, I have known him since I was 17 (I’m now 50) and all our friends are in common. His name is mentioned to me constantly by friends, and the kids. I bumped into him (and his new girlfriend) last week which made me think I was going to die (although I managed to hold it together and be polite to them both). I am triggered every time people talk to me about him and I live in constant fear of bumping into him. . He still tries to contact me all the time. I am so strict these days but he now uses the children to get to me and he’s good at it! He is furious I won’t spend time with him and the kids ever or birthdays or Christmas. He can see how hurt and devastated I was/am at being replaced within months of a 20 year marriage. If I allow him into my space and do talk to him or see him alone, then he quickly uses it as an excuse to project, dump and abuse. I really have had enough and trying very very hard to set strict boundaries and I am really working hard to detach but I find under these circumstances it’s almost impossible. So this episode has been really useful and I am going straight to module 2. I thank you so much. You make sense of this chaos and for that I am so so so grateful. Much love Sash xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 23, 2017

      Hi Sash,

      thank you and I am glad that this has helped.

      My heart goes out to you and I am so pleased you are going to dig in deep into Module 2 to work at healing this now.

      You’ve got this Sash! And also please know the NARP Forum can help support you so much: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Also going to the massive trigger of “fearing bumping into him, hearing about him” … that is one to target in your body, to shift, so that it becomes completely benign.

      I know you are going to break free!

      Sending love, healing and strength to you Sash.

      Mel xo

  • carol.schade@ymail.com'
    Caroline Schade
    October 22, 2017

    May Life always bless you and your words, Mel.
    This video is so precious, I am sure this can help many people.
    I had a relationship of 16 years with a Narc and yes he wanted to be friends with me after I ended up the relationship.
    And yes it was for his own benefit. Of course
    And it wasn’t until the day that from my living room window when I saw his car parked outfront that I realized: he comes here to take from me. He continues coming back for more and I said, I am stuck in the same trap, NO, I am not seeing or hearing you tonight, that is enough. That is when he stopped coming to my place.
    And then there was the phone, he kept contacting me through whatsapp and I lost cout of how many days or evenings I allowed him to destroy when I read his messages describing how sad he was bla bla bla. And I suffered for him, I fekt bad for him in need.
    So , only when I told him with all the words: listen,my phone is blocked for you from now on, because I am not going to let you take a single happy moment from me again.
    I had to take my life back
    And you and your Healing program together with other books and therapies helped to break free from that person.
    I would like to express my endless gratitude.
    Love,Carol

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 24, 2017

      Hi Caroline,

      that is really sweet of you 🙂

      I am so happy for you that you took your life back!

      Awww Caroline Thrive On Dear Lady, and I do know that you post can inspire others to do the same.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Katiaenriquez1@hotmail.com'
    Katia
    October 23, 2017

    What an amzing vídeo !!! it is exactly what I’m experiencing right now. All that you said in your videos are so True. After being separated for almost a year went back to the narcissist and hapenned exactly what Melanie said on her videos. I will work on module 2. I have to be honest, I have not work the modules I get bother or falll sleep when I listen to them. Will try again with module 2.
    Thank you for all you do Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 24, 2017

      Hi Katia,

      Stick at it, and you will get results 🙂

      My pleasure and you will break through Katia.

      Mel xo

  • jennysherrell@gmail.com'
    Jenny
    October 23, 2017

    Thank you so very much Melanie – each video you post seems to answer the very question that’s come up for me in the saga of moving away from the narcissist – I didn’t comment on the video before this but I did listen and it too was just what I needed to hear at the time. I’ll look at Module 2. Thank you again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 24, 2017

      Hi Jenny,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased it was timely for you.

      Mel xo

  • sonya.weiss@btinternet.com'
    Sonya
    October 23, 2017

    Melanie – This was so helpful to me – I was halfway through listening to the video when, guess who turned up on my door step asking to be friends again. I have know (S) over 20 years and given her a lot of support, not, I think, a full blown destructive narcissist butcertainly self centred and a user, just taken me this long to realise it – because of a series of events I had a big wake up call over her at the same time,coincidentally, as I had with another friend wh0 definitely is a full blown destructive pathological liar narcissist. I would certainly not have let the other one over my doorstep – but i invited S in and offered her a cup of tea in order to explain why the friendship was definitely over , amidst lots of interruptions and self justifications – clearly showing she wasn’t listening or interested in my View – S is very good at presenting herself as the sad pathetic victim so I might have weakened but I had actually paused your video and was sitting by the laptop where “What to do when a narcissist wants to be your friend” was staring me in the face. It helped me to think NO, maybe not exactly a full narcissist but this still is not a healthy friendship for me – she said “I have learnt lots of lessons” I replied “good for you, I hope you take them and apply them in new friendships” – and ushered her out of my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 24, 2017

      Hi Sonya,

      wow, how synchronistic!

      Well done – power to you Lovely Lady!

      Mel xo

  • bizzydizzy@btinternet.com'
    Lynn
    October 23, 2017

    This is so accurate of me and how I have been with a narc ex. No wonder I have not been able to heal. Mimas learning so much from your videos and I truly thank you X x

  • helen@eh10publications.co.uk'
    Helen Briton
    October 23, 2017

    Can’t thank you enough! This is so timely for me and something I am struggling with. It’s like you described exactly what a friend is doing. Unfortunately, she owes me a large sum of money and that too is keeping me ‘in’ it. I am trying to pluck up the courage to ask her for it. I know what gets in the way for me is fear of conflict but also I’d love to tell her exactly what I think of her yet I know she won’t hear it. Through social media she posts things that I absolutely know are targeted at me in the hopes to illicit some kind of jealousy about new best buddies etc. Yet, something stops me from blocking her. I’m so mad at myself, confused and irately angry and disappointed that this person, who is meant to be a spiritual guru with a following, a Dr of psychology etc is capable of this. I’m a psychotherapist so know a lot about the human psych and personality disorders yet I have been duped yet again! I feel the confusion etc …is it me? blah blah. I tell you this to highlight for others that even somebody who is supposed to have a good understanding and has done years of working on the self can still go through the entangled mess that comes from being in connection to a Narc.
    Thanks for allowing this space to share.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 24, 2017

      Hi Helen,

      I am so pleased this was great timing for you.

      It is so true, that until we have shifted the traumas out that stop us standing up in the Light of Truth – that we can continue to hand power away … no matter how much understanding we have.

      This was SO big for me too!

      Mel xo

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    October 24, 2017

    This is so true. I have been maintaining a “friendship” with my ex for nearly 30 years. I maintain my distance but rent him a place to live. I took the stance “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” with him. If he gets pissed off he goes after family, friends and our son. Fortunately our son is too old to buy this anymore but in years past it was very damaging. The drama never ends with the N. It is a delicate balance and as I get stronger I care less and less about what he will do to family, friends or property in retaliation.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 24, 2017

      Hi No Name,

      that is wonderful that you are detaching.

      It is so true when we are no longer worried about them and focus on empowering ourselves – they lose power against us.

      They need to take it elsewhere.

      Wishing you the best of freedom and joy.

      Mel xo

  • rkmarshall56@gmail.com'
    Rhonda
    October 24, 2017

    Thank you so much for your insights!! I am so glad that you are able to understand and help me move on from narcissistic abuse.

  • marinepienaar@gmail.com'
    M
    October 24, 2017

    Thanks so much for this. This video came at a perfect time for me. My ex boyfriend’s young kids still send me messages and wants me to attend their school concert on Thursday night. Of course, he already replaced me with a new girlfriend who doesn’t treat them well. Every time I hear something about this from his family, it definitely triggers me. I just realised it will not be good for me to go and it doesn’t serve any purpose to go and pretend to be strong seeing him with someone else although I know I never want him back in my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 24, 2017

      Hi M,

      it’s my pleasure.

      How wonderful that you are detaching.

      Wishing you incredible healing and freedom.

      Mel xo

  • lynetteclark@hotmail.com'
    Lynette
    October 24, 2017

    This came into my inbox the very day my narc husband of 43 years left to drive 2400km to start his new life. And, yes, he still wants to be friends. There is a new woman where he is going. 20+ years of infidelity. I told him that the only contact was to be through email. No Facebook. No phone calls or text messages. I only intend formal contact around settling of our legal affairs. So I blocked him on Facebook. There is no way I want his face popping up on my screen every time he sends a message. Next day I got such an abusive email which I did not answer but sent to my lawyer. I have become a 64 year old Warrior Princess! Discovering who I am !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 25, 2017

      Hi Lynette,

      I love that you are becoming a Warrior Princess.

      All Power To YOU Dear Lady!!

      Thrive ON!

      Mel xo

  • tlwatt60@yahoo.com'
    TAMI
    October 26, 2017

    WHEN I FOUND YOU AND YOUR WORDS , I HAD BEEN DOWN AND OUT FOR YEARS OF UPS AND DOWNS , TOGETHER AND NOT . I COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW?? HE COULD DO THIS TO ME THE MOTHERS OF HIS CHILDREN. BUT IM JUST NOW BEGINNING TO START THE HEALING AFTER 30+ YEARS . AND YES THE ABUSE GOT DEEPER AND MORE HURTFUL EACH TIME , HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS NOW AND BEING VERY VERY NICE AND KIND . BUT I REALIZE IT WILL STOP ONCE HE HAS CONTROL OVER ME AGAIN . FINALLY I FEEL I CAN MOVE ON .. THANKS YOU FOR THE TOOLS I NEED TO LEARN ,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 26, 2017

      Hi Tami,

      It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased that this spoke to you.

      Wishing you great strength and healing Lovely Lady.

      Mel xo

  • aileeno39grady@ymail.com'
    Alina
    November 13, 2017

    Melanie, I co- parent with my narcissistic ex and have to see him when I drop off and pick up my son. I find it so hard to break away because of this and I inevitably get sucked back in with all the false promises, declaration of being a changed man, and I don’t know how to see him and maintain emotionally detachment. Really struggling with this. He promises me he’ll take me to all these beautiful countries and places i’ve never been and deep down I know i’d be miserable if I was there with him. Sometimes I feel lonely and think if I lose him i’ll lose all these promises even though deep down I know there empty promises. Please, i’m trying so hard but I now know there’s still a part of me invested in the dream and this is because of the contact we have. Appreciate any advice on this,
    Alina xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi Alina,

      oh gosh I know how hard and painful that place is … I promise you I was there for a very long time.

      Alna, have you come into one of my free webinars yet – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar ?

      Because what is necessary here is to go into that “part” of you that feels like she needs to cling to him and the dream and in the webinar, I will show you how to shift that – how to release yourself from your inner trauma that is keeping you stuck there.

      Then a whole other level of power and clarity – truly – comes.

      This is most valid suggestion for you.

      Mel xo

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