Does Karma Pay Back The Narcissist?

We have all heard of the word ‘Karma’.

Most people know the expression ‘Karma’ as meaning what goes around comes around.

But what really does ‘What goes around, comes around’ mean – especially when we see ‘bad’ people in the world that don’t seem to be receiving their just deserts?

Like narcissists…

How will Karma have it’s retribution on them?

There are often two main ways that Karma is viewed. One is that bad deeds are punishable by an external force (such as God), and the other is that Karma occurs a result of the natural effects of causation.

I definitely veer much more towards the second ideology, yet I believe it goes to a much deeper level than simply about ‘what a person does creates the payback reality’.

In today’s article I want to explain my beliefs about Karma and how it relates to narcissists and those affected by narcissistic abuse.

I hope to answer the questions “Why did I karmically deserve to be narcissistically abused?”

and…

“What karmic payback will the narcissist receive for what they have done?”

My views on Karma, is about taking ‘what we create’ responsibility.

This responsibility starts with realising you are an energetic (spiritual) being having a physical experience.

This is also about believing that everything you experience in your life has at a deeply energetic level been called forth by yourself into your experience.

I believe these experiences (we all draw to ourselves) are essential feedback as to how much we are connected to our Soul Truth (peace and love), or how far we are disconnected from our Soul Truth  (pain and fear) regarding certain issues.

When we understand ourselves as energetic beings we can understand that the outcomes in our life are far from logical. There is no way we could mentally define that we purposely chose those painful events or person into our life.

Logically we would say “I experienced a partner who cheated on me with many different women, yet I am so faithful and monogamous! How on earth is Karma playing out here?”

Or, “I have been abused by a pathological liar who would make up any insidious fabrication to hurt me, yet I have high levels of personal integrity! How on earth is Karma playing out here?”

It is only when we go deeper that we can have any understanding on the direct correlation of ‘like attracts like’ – when logically it is not obvious.

 

We Are Here to Release Our Karma

I believe we are all working through our painful Karma – absolutely. That is why we are here.

If you believe you are an eternal being, you will have a much bigger picture view on ‘life’. It will certainly not just be limited to what you see and logically define.

I believe this broader view is not only essential to make sense of life, it actually grants and helps supply reasons. It has the positive effect of reducing confusion, and takes away the complication of trying to logically and painfully define ‘Why?’

It also puts the power back to where it belongs, which is within us.

It allows us to understand that we are not just a powerless victim of a random life.

The people who have experienced trauma, who can’t accept that bad things have happened to them, and have not used these experiences to heal and grow within themself, suffer horrendously. They feel victimised by others and life. They feel powerless to change their life.

They don’t realise that by choosing victimisation, they actually set up ‘more’ victimisation to enter their life.

If, on the other hand, you wish to live your life from a deeper perspective and start seeking the true reasons and the liberation from what you have been creating up to date in your life – great relief can ensue.

When we have the reasons as to why bad things happen to us, and accept them in order to heal and grow – we start working through, releasing and reducing our karmic loads.

We clean up internally what we were creating in the way of negative and painful Karma.

Karma ultimately is the ‘energy’ from life that allows us to know we are in fact Powerful Creators of our reality. This grants us the ultimate ability to change what we have been previously creating – so that we can create much more pleasurable and fulfilling experiences.

 

How Does Karma Work?

This is how I believe we create Karma….

Whatever we feel (believe deeply) about any topic is what life grants us.

There are only two ways to feel (believe) about anything in our life regardless of what presents:

From a position of authentic power (self-solidness / peace / truth / love)

or…

from a position of seeking external power (emptiness/ pain / illusions / fear )

This part is essential to understand. Our words, and actions (our surface behaviour) may be completely different from what we are really feeling / believing about an interaction or event in our life.

For example, you may spend time with someone you care about. Whilst doing so your deep inner feelings might be ‘I wonder if this person really loves me. He or she probably doesn’t and will reject me like the others have’.

Yet on the ‘outside’ it appears like you are loving, giving and even relaxed and humorous.

But truly on the inside you are not feeling this. You are trying to be the person you think this person wants you to be in order to stop this other person rejecting and abandoning you.

Some months down the track – despite you being wonderful to this person time and time again, he or she pulls away, loses interest in you and you are left alone rejected and abandoned.

On a logical level you may say “I’m a lovely person –I gave this person everything. What on earth did I do to deserve that treatment?”

Gary Zucav in Chapter 2 of Spiritual Partnerships puts it this way:

“Five sensory humans believe that actions create consequences. That is a small part of the story. Multisensory beings know that the intention behind an action creates the consequences of the action. An intention is a quality of consciousness. It is the reason for the action, the motivation for acting. The intention to support a friend by giving him information that he needs and does not know, for example, brings constructive consequences. The intention to prove that you are smarter than a friend produces destructive consequences.”

On an energetic level we can understand – IF we are honest with ourself, and get to know ourselves truthfully and intimately on the inside, that it is our unseen energy which creates the ultimate truth of our life.

It is our intention which is the emotional resonance we vibrate at. This level of consciousness is what is pulling the strings. Because this is the part of us which is connected to ‘all of life’ (Oneness), and it is the part of us affecting everyone and everything in our experience.

Know this: your surface level behaviour is not creating anything much in particular.

Have you ever noticed that someone may do something wonderful for you – yet you don’t particularly feel like granting them energy back?

Yet other times when people give to you it feels great.

If someone ‘gives’ to you and their intention is not about ‘the giving’  but rather something like ‘I want to give in order to get approval from you, because I am not generating enough of my own’ – then their true intention (consciousness) which is connected to ‘all of life’, (which is connected to you) is external power seeking energy.

It is not authentic.

You feel this and can only grant ‘more of the same’ back to this person – which is ‘lack of approval’.

I believe there is no avoiding what intention and consciousness creates.

Facades do not affect ultimate outcomes.

 

How Unresolved Wounds Create Karma

What if you are deeply monogamous, yet you receive partners who are unfaithful?

Check in with how you feel about unfaithful people. Does it feel like ‘not your reality’ (ideal), or does it fill you full of horror? (Not ideal).

Was your mother cheated on?

Did you take on someone else’s energy regarding the anguish of infidelity which occurred to them?

Years ago did you have this experience (even as an 8 year old child with your first ever boyfriend) and the wound you felt was devastating at the time?

Did you realise that you had never released and healed that wound and have always been carrying it?

This is why I believe there is a necessity to take responsibility and go deeper if we want to heal and release our painful patterns of attracting bad Karma.

Please know this: If you have events in your life which are painful – there is something within you that you need to heal. THIS is what the painful event is showing you.

Please also know this: The person /event bringing you this painful event is simply a ‘catalyst’ in life showing you what you need to heal. If they hadn’t showed up, someone in their place would have needed to.

 

How Does Karma Play Out For The Narcissist?

I know one of your burning questions is “What about Karma for the narcissist?”

It is really important to understand this. For all the grandiose behaviour of the narcissist, all of the ‘moving on immediately’ and all of the continuing to extract energy from the outer world to avoid his or her inner damaged parts – the ‘having a great time’, ‘being on easy-street’ and ‘getting off scot free’ is not what is really going on.

I’ll explain. Let’s start at the start, and work our way through…

The narcissist’s greatest fears are being powerless – which means being unlovable, worthless, unworthy, rejected and abandoned.

To try to escape this awful inner powerlessness the narcissist created a False Self and went after external power (taking from the outside) rather than be connected to his or her Soul, Oneness and reverence for self, life and others. (Which is the only ‘place’ to acquire authentic worthiness, love, personal power and fulfilment).

The wielding of egoic power is the pathological cover-up for how powerless the narcissist really feels.

This means the intention of the narcissist’s interactions with others and life are based on powerlessness.

As a result of the inevitable Karma (what goes around comes around), time and time again the narcissist meets his or her worst fears.

When the mask slips, other people are disgusted, tormented and aggressive towards the narcissist, and he or she is again rejected.

When the narcissist’s tactics to secure outside approval (the approval that he or she cannot generate for him or herself) constantly fail (as there is no substituting self-approval), the narcissist suffers the intense wound of narcissistic injury again.

When his or her relationship ends again (despite the egoic cover up of making out it was his or her idea all along), the narcissist suffers again the incredible injury of being unlovable and being abandoned.

Don’t be fooled by the narcissist’s action that makes him/her appear to have moved on like nothing happened.

When his or her amoral tactics create repercussions, negative attention and disasters, this only accentuates his or her inherent feelings of deep shame and unworthiness.

This is the perpetual ‘hell’ that the narcissist lives in.

Rather than deal with these fears and pain (unhealed inner wounds) the narcissist sells his or her Soul instead.

He or she has to create bigger lies, execute more tactics that lack reverence or truth, and avoid even more personal accountability which only disintegrates his or her Inner Self even further.

Creating more accumulated pain, fear and shame.

The tactics of the narcissist are not Soul Truths, and the price of continuing to exert pathological forces generated from his or her False Self is incredibly high.

The narcissist’s emotional internal damage stock-piles and the narcissist has to try harder and harder with ‘one-up’ tactics to escape the ever accumulating horrific pain.

That is the Karma of the narcissist.

And like all narcissists, he or she at the end of the journey (this lifetime) will end up with horrendous inner pain, with no energy left to manipulate, take or avoid it (the maintenance of a False Self takes a lot of energy and effort), and probably no-one hanging around to project on to anymore, because the charm has long gone.

If a person did stay attached despite the abuse, the narcissist will reject and get rid of them anyway – as a projection of his or her own self-rejection.

The end of the road is lonely, empty and torturous.

There is nowhere to go for the narcissist, other than be face to face with his or her tortured inner demons alone – with no way to avoid them.

It is ironic that the entire life script of the narcissist has been designed to avoid his or her inner pain – and at the end of life he or she will realise all of it was to no avail.

Ever heard the expression People die how they live?

I believe the Soul is eternal, and it is designed to evolve the personality.

For those who do have past life beliefs, there can be the view: If the narcissist did not take personal responsibility (to date narcissists don’t), he or she will again reincarnate on Earth with exactly the same level of personality he or she created this lifetime, and as a direct magnetisation will be born into the same abusive and torturous childhood conditions all over again.

If we do have this belief, we may assess that he or she may have been repeating this pattern for many lifetimes (as we may have too with the aspects of ourself we have struggled with).

Maybe the narcissist’s Soul which is co-creating with Life states: “You get another shot at this. Are you going to take responsibility and heal your inner wounds? Because if not – you are simply going to go through more of this. Have you realised yet there is NO avoiding SELF?”

And maybe this could continue for many more lifetimes to come. Until the narcissist does take responsibility for his or her ‘self’.

Now back to you…

 

What Is Your Karma?

Whatever you experience in your life that is not working for you (regardless of how much of a nice person you are) shows you there is something within you that requires healing.

This means your internal belief systems (feelings / intentions / level of consciousness) about this are not a match for the realities you do wish to experience.

This goes for even one off incidences in your life, and it especially goes for repeat painful incidences in your life.

It’s not until you really go into yourself – and accept and feel into your pain, and take full responsibility for it that you can work out what is really going on and how to change it.

This is what self-realisation, self-healing and personal growth is all about.

I would like to leave you with an example that I think could really help you in regard to what you played out with the narcissist.

Imagine two children in the kitchen with their mother helping with baking biscuits.

The little boy picks up the rolling pin and hits his sister over the head with it. Naturally the little girl screams in pain. She is hurt physically and emotionally.

The mother is incensed, tells her son off and sends him to his room. He is grounded for a month.

She then picks up her little girl and gives her a big cuddle, and tells her she can eat the left over biscuit mixture straight out of the bowl. (Something she is not usually allowed to do).

We would believe this is justice.

Surely this is what ‘should’ happen.

However…That didn’t happen for you in regard to being narcissistically abused.

Justice did not appear, the narcissist wasn’t punished by someone bigger and tougher than him, and you weren’t consoled by someone who dearly loved you, and you weren’t immediately given a gift or reward to make up for what happened to you.

WHY NOT?! Surely that would have been fair!

I believe Energetic Law (Karma) just does not work like that.

Energetic Law is unconditional – it does not ascertain anything as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

It is not some discerning force that watches over us and says – okay that was wrong – you will be punished, or okay you were hurt so I’ll hand you something to make you feel better.

It provides ‘more of whatever you are feeling and believing about yourself, life and others’.

So in relation to the little boy and the little girl as things stand:

What Karma is this little boy creating for himself as he grows up into a man?

More punishment, more unworthiness, more ‘I’m unlovable’, and more shame as a result of his behaviour which is coming from intentions which are not Soul Truths.

Unless he takes responsibility for his unhealed wounds that creates his aggressive and malicious acts, and changes himself.

What Karma is this little girl creating for herself as he grows into a woman who will not always have her mother there to protect her?

More abuse, violation and pain and fear if she carries fear and pain regarding herself, life and others which are not Soul Truths.

Unless she takes responsibility to heal her pain and fear, knows she can lay boundaries and does not have to take other people’s poor behaviour personally and if she does not allow that poor behaviour to define herself.

 

I know this article is a little different to what I normally write about on the blog. I felt compelled to write this article because I think there are a lot of unanswered questions regarding how Karma relates to narcissistic abuse.

I’d love to hear what you thought of this article and if it benefited you.

Additionally I’d love to hear your opinions about Karma. Do you believe Karma is “what goes around comes around” or do you think it goes deeper than that?

Thanks for reading!

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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129 thoughts on “Does Karma Pay Back The Narcissist?

  1. I have always believed what goes around comes around. However, I have never put a time limit on it. Maybe it’s in this lifetime or the next but I absolutely believe it will come to pass on a very deep Karmic level as a Karmic truth. Please don’t be offended, but perhaps that’s why we for no other reason have been Narcissistically abused ourselves in this lifetime. Perhaps we were in other lifetimes long since passed, Narcissists. Perhaps this is why we are so outraged by it. We have a deep understanding of how “wrong or detrimental it is” and therefore want nothing more to do with it. I believe it is possible that we have more to do than just to heal our unhealed parts. I have to believe we are also helping the Narcissists to reform in this lifetime or the next. I say this only because I have been openly admired for my humanity by known Narcissists. Lying or not maybe my humanity will resonate with them in this life or the next. Thanks for a great article and allowing me to share!

    • Hi January, just popping my head around the corner to say hi and I want to explain something re your comments on quote…”I have been openly admired by my humanity by known Narcissists” unquote. Narcs will always be drawn to people with integrity, who have humility, have good morals and values, are intelligent, and so on. They don’t possess these for themselves, so must get the ‘supply’ for someone who has these qualities. My narc used to say he ‘admired my intelligence and my soft gentle nature” but what he was really saying, is “I feel good and get lots of supply from you as I don’t feel these things myself, it makes me feel better knowing I can take your energy from you” That is just the way they think and we unknowingly at the time think they are giving us compliments and they truly admire us. Not the case sadly. Mel will clear this up for you but I hope what I have said helps in some way. x

    • Hi January,

      I do totally agree as Neale Donald Walsh states many times in Conversations With God, that we have been many things ranging from the full gamut of sinner to saint.

      I believe this is very, very possible. And yes I agree that we may have been ‘the narc’ in past lives ourself.

      If we look at the theory of Oneness, we are ALL responsible for every aspect of humanity – which is another reason to start affecting it by making the changes back to Source / Soul within self.

      If we all did this our world would be a completely different place. There would be none of the atrocities we have come to accept as the human experience.

      I don’t believe our ‘state’ is a timeline – and I believe that remaining unconsciousness may cause it to take ‘time’ to play out – however I do believe that in every eternal moment of now ‘we are creating more of ourself’.

      In as far as narcs ‘appreciating you’ – I do agree with Jac wholeheartedly.

      And as an add – if we feel we are responsible for another who is projecting their unhealed parts on to us – and not willing to take responsibility for them, we are certainly not ‘inspiring’ them, and we are not healing our own unhealed parts.

      It is lose / lose all the way.

      I believe all narcs will come back to Soul Truth somewhere..somehow (there is no where else to go other than back to ‘Oneness’), but it will need to be their own choice, and that would happen (as it does with everyone) when there is nothing left on the outside as a ‘prop’ to avoid confronting self.

      Mel xo

    • I don’t believe that Karma is about good and bad people. I believe we are all good innately. I think that Karma is about lessons. I think that before we are born into this life, we make a pact with the people we will travel with that we love each other so much that we will be teachers for each other. We agree to bring good and bad lessons for each other so that we can find our true and authentic selves and heal ourselves. I believe that the ultimate goal is to find self love. I think that our pain propels us and that each and every relationship, whether it’s five minutes or fifty years, is a mirror held up to us (and us to them) for our benefit. To learn to see ourselves and fall in love with ourselves. To find that truth that happiness has nothing to do with anyone or anything outside of us.To discover we are whole and complete alone.

      • Hi Jen,

        I absolutely fullheartedly agree – that at the highest level of truth there are absolutely ‘no villians of victims’.

        Barbara De Angelis wrote a beautiful piece in one of her books which says “Dearly beloved I love you enough that I will grant you exactly what you want to heal this lifetime”.

        I remember the first time I read this piece (which was about someone agreeing to abuse so that this person could learn self-love and boundaries) I cried tears of joy and relief knowing that everything I had experienced was that person’s Soul granting me the perfect gift in order to heal.

        YES – hugely – and totally. It is ALL about self-love. That is where it all takes place, and is the foundation to everything in regard to being ‘conscious’.

        Thank you Jen for your gorgeous share, and this is the message that you have so beautifully articulated – that you cannot accept or fall in love with life and any others fully and completely unless you have first learnt how to fully fall in love with and accept yourself.

        And when we shed, pain, fear and our limiting beliefs, this is exactly what we return ‘home’ to.

        Bless you!

        Mel xo

    • The N that I was involved with for 18 years, once said that no one had ever spoken to him the way I did before, he had conditioned those around him to give him supply, positive strokes, care & service, & was used to getting what he wanted. When I began to stand up for myself & tell him my truth, & what is true of a loving caring relationship, with great clarity & conviction, the relationship began inevitably to collapse.
      He accused me of giving him a “hard time” which I certainly did. It was his “karma” to be in the presence of one who had the guts to declare him, (the emperor) to be naked, it was as Sam Vaknin would say, very much a “danse macabre,” but fighting for justice, fairness & truth, recreated me, as a strong, forthright woman, who was willing to unmask & expose the endless dishonesty of the N. Karma is a complex, & subtle evolutionary process, for all persons within a given dynamic, there is no cause without effect. However in our recovery from narcissistic abuse, it is useful to remember what Eckhardt Tolle teaches, which is that in residing in the now, there is NO karma, we are at a stage in our conscious expansion, where the concept of karma is needing to be reconsidered. If we can be in the moment, & create from the moment, with due awareness of what we are thinking, & feeling & how this creates our experience, we possess tools, that it would be very difficult for the N to use, because he/she is lacking the personal responsibility & accountability, that grasping this awareness would require, & so would indeed continue to repeat the unhealthy pattern. However much we have suffered due to narcissistic abuse, whatever we do to challenge the N & his/her way of operating, will not be lost or wasted, no matter how much it would seem otherwise.

      • Hi Anjo,

        yes it is very true that when the narc is exposed and the mirror held up without accepting any more projections – the relationship is over.

        As Gary Zucav states – when there is no growth possibly – one person failing to take responsibility for unhealed parts then a spiritual realtionship (New Time relationship)ceases to exist.

        I agree with Ekhardt Tolle’s philosophy that as powerful Creators we do have the ability to align, (we do have the tools / ability / now to release pain / fear) and be connected to authentic power / Source) – and then ‘bad’ karma simply will not exist.

        I absolutely agree that consciousness has graduated to this level now – if we choose it, take responsibility and do the inner work.

        Truly the best way to challenge the narc is to honour ourself,leave and grant zero energy.

        Can you imagine if there was enough consciousness on the planet (You are not responsible for my wellbeing, I am a full and unlimited Source to myself) that people were evolved enough to do this?

        I believe that will be the split that inevitably will come.

        Authenticity (that is the age we are in) will shine through, and people that are not prepared to ‘choose’ to heal unhealed parts and enter this level of consciousness will have nowhere to hide. The ‘mask’ won’t work anymore, and their True Self parts will be ‘out’ for everyone to know and see.

        People will understand there is no value in interacting with such a person…they will choose ‘matches’ of authenticity instead.

        I don’t know if it is in our lifetime, or a few generations – but I do ‘feel’ this time is coming – as the ‘age’ of ego and external power has ended, it is just the residue which is still hanging on.

        More and more the narc will see the effects of external power seeking and have less to hang on to, wrestle with and scapegoat on to (which only energises the False Self).

        With no energy left to take, and no supply avaliable through others in order to avoid self, this will be when they actually do crack and heal…

        Because there will be nowhere else to go..but ‘home’.

        Then we will see a very different global reality..

        Mel xo

    • When the student is ready, the teacher will come. I am so grateful for you sharing your life lessons with others who are struggling with similar situations. I read your articles and thank God (ultimate Love) that I was led to your site. When I throw a question out to the universe (God), the answer always appears. Thank you for taking responsibility for your life….you are a wonderful role model.

      • Hi Mindy,

        Thank you for your lovely post.

        Responsibility for me is essential – because there are only two paths available without it.

        Continue to be abused and broken, or decide to disconnect from reverence and abuse to ‘take from life’ to try to escape the pain.

        The second option was never an option, and the first totally isn’t either :)

        Mel xo

    • Mel, I would like to hear your thoughts on this. I see a past life regressor occasionally. I was told I was the cheater in my past life with the same person who is now my N.We lived many lives together and agreed to stay together until we got it right.I know of the law of attraction and I am now getting into past lives and my soul. all of this is starting to creep me out.I will get a aha moment and then you will post exactly what i am looking for and it gives me clearity

      • Hi Kelly,

        I am happy to comment! I used to be a past life regression therapist in previous years.

        We have to live in the ‘here and now’ Kelly, and we are all here to honour our own soul in relation to out life NOW.

        That vow could be more than possible as well as what you discovered – but the question is ‘does it serve you Now?’

        Information alone (I believe) is not the full answer (healing is), and can be in fact counter-productive – because it may give you more of a reason to ‘take responsibility’ ‘feel guilty and the tables need to be balanced’ and hang on.

        This is why since I developed QFH I have not done a PLR since, because I know in as far as healing that QFH is so much more effective and powerful that PLR.

        Your beliefs in regard to that ‘vow’ are not serving you. If he is an ‘N’ he is not going to get this right this lifetime, and if you stay with him you are simply going to sell your truth and healing out to more repeat pain and suffering.

        THat is NOT what your Soul / Source is asking you to do.

        With QFH (are you doing NARP – or considering it?), you can break that vow, any residual guilt as well as all the other hooks, connections etc that are keeping you in the game – so that you can claim your liberation, truth, healing and growth – regardless of what he does or doesn’t choose for himself.

        There is no ‘outside force’ dictating to you what you MUST do in regard to this relationship, or any agreement you MUST honour.

        You are the Creator of your truth and your reality, and you get to chose and create that at any time.If any oment of now you are ‘supposed’ to align with Soul and reverence – which means becoming a full Source to yourself and creating a life of peace, truth, ‘fullness’ and authentic fulfilment. That is NOT life with a narc.

        I hope this helps…

        Mel xo

  2. I remember back last fall I asked specifically about Karma, as I had questions about it in general (it can be a confusing subject as there are many views on it) and also how it pertains to N’s but I was scolded for not moving forward and focusing on myself enough. I am glad to see you address this and it has made the subject clearer in my mind. Thank you for writing it.

  3. Hi Melanie
    This is a great topic. I am sure I am not the only one who thinks about the workings of Karma.
    I have seen Karma work w the N’s in my family of origin, and I believe it works as cause and effect and Karma does pay pack the N. I have seen it. Perhaps most of the time it plays out over eons and therefore goes unnoticed, I have witnessed it in a very big way. I think the reason we perceive that the N goes unpunished is because they really have no meaningful relationships for the Karma to be perceived by us. You have to be able to be hurt in order for Karma to come back to you, and we don’t seem to witness it very often. The kind of Karma we’re looking for here is justice but how can there be justice when justice is about relationships that the N is not equipped to have-that’s why we don’t often see anything happening.They are made up of 100% cause and we get whatever percentage of effect we take on. Let me explain-my mother had a stroke and was alive for one week.A sister called me the day AFTER she died to tell me and made it sound like she died in her sleep the night before. Mother and sister both N’s. Can you see the causation in this? Effect on me was feeling of being robbed of the opportunity to say goodbye,feelings of unlovability, emotional devasataion for a few months loss of income. However, I did not act on my desires to get back at, get justice and accountability, etc..rather by letting it go to the best of my ability and dealing with the blow, I by chance soon learned about Narcissism I didn’t even know they were narcissists until many months after this horrific act and this sister had pretty much raised me. Four months after the spiritual crime (which I now know was planned and nurtured for 8-10 yrs)(you know how we sense they are going to do something but don’t know what until after they do it) committed by the sister, her daughter was hit by a car and killed leaving her to experience what it feels like to not have been able to say goodbye, grieve normally, etc…Also the day my mother died, which I didn’t know was happening, my house was robbed, a woman approached my 11 yr old and a few of her fiends after school which became a police investigation. All three events at the same time after 10 yrs. of living a non eventful life. It did not take long for me to make the connection that that was my mother’s energy force(alcoholism and addiction)trying to stay attached to earth, I believe. She had been carrying a smear campaign against me and my brothers for many years. I thank God I found NARP. It has helped me immensely with the intense realizations I have had.Who knows but I do believe I have had a very rare glimpse into how energies can manifest due to cause and effect. There is always another question once I gain a new belief. I guess that’s what growth is all about. I have one brother who is absolutely annihilated and I am struggling to let go of him. It’s hard. Knowing what I know now and working to become empowered it’s hard to bear witness to the absolute devastation and he doesn’t even know what happened to him. It truly destroyed my whole family.

    • Hi Suzanne,

      I agree that many people have wondered about karma, and how life ultimately plays out.

      I agree with you that there can be incredible events take place – that are just seem way too ‘coincidental’ to not have meanings and correlations…

      Regardless of the damage that people sustain, there is always the choice to heal and transcend and lose the pain and fear…and not allow other people’s actions to define us – rather knowing that what ‘played out’ (for everyone involved) was all a part of the divine plan to heal and evolve.

      Your brother does have a choice…but he needs to make it. The best thing you can do for him is ‘see’ and ‘feel’ that he can… and start believing that…

      You may be amazed at the results.

      Hugs, and it is wonderful that you are working through on healing you – that is your first responsibility.

      Mel xo

  4. Hi Mel, fantastic you put this article up! I am glad I asked as it really is a huge question to answer on why when we do the right thing, we seem to attract the bad karma, even without knowing that it is because of our beliefs and our illusions of what we want, but we are not asking the universe for our desires in the right way.

    I know from my experience recently that I was attracting the wrong energy and despite my best intentions, the other side of the equation was not a match for my good energy (which I truly wasn’t displaying at the time, it was more of a need to fill a void, create a false reality, not based on solidness and knowing) and so I found myself trying to ‘fix’ someone elses problem by rescuing a stray kitten, which turned out to be someones cat. Even though they don’t look after her or do the best thing for her. An animal is life and I was trying to do the best for her, but listened to my head rather than my instincts on what to do. The kitty is still here for visits but I have relinquished responsibility now and enjoy her energy for what it is. I have no dealings or contact with the owners and my instincts have been faithful to me again telling me to stay away from the individual responsible. Others have confirmed my decision to be the correct one.

    I did some work with QFH and NARP a couple of times this week and it has cleared and released myself from the illusion of what I wanted to be real. I was able to rest knowing I tried and did the right thing, and accepted that I attracted bad karma because of my inner beliefs. I let go of trying to expect people to do the right thing and force them to take responsibility. It didn’t happen and it won’t and they are who they are.

    Illusions are dangerous when we become addicted to them, believe they are real and more desirable at times than what is real. WE are only running away from ourselves the more we cling to them. Eventually we get caught in a loop and it just goes round and round, attracting more bad karma. I have found by taking responsibility and digging deep into myself, the loop has been breaking and I am enjoying life more, with life now bringing me the good karma I deserve.

    From what I understand (correct me if I am wrong Mel) Illusions are only a manifested reality of what we want to create, but they are not the truth. They should be kept in the Movie & fantasy world where escapism is to be enjoyed but not brought into our life as a permanent part of our life, as this will only create a false existence. Narcs are masters at living in a fantasy world and will drag you in very quickly holding you prisoner to a world that does not exist. Only bad karma can come from this, even if you do right and act in ways that you believe are right as long as you live ‘in the narcs illusion’ playing out the false life with them, then good karma cannot enter.

    Wonderful Mel and I will read this again to make sure I understand it completely. Big kiss and (((hug))) Jac xx

    • Hi Jac,

      you are very welcome – and I am glad that you asked too!

      Yes, Jac you do have it – it is when we are ‘in our head’ rather than in the peace and solidness of ‘our heart’ (without agendas or expectations) that we are coming from our Soul.

      It is wonderful the level of self that you are going to – and realising that every ‘bad’ experience you have (especially when it hits big triggers) is showing up a false belief that requires healing.

      In fact – let’s say someone ‘had a go at you’ and you felt really comfortable in your own skin, had a calm, solid boundary and no charge. This would be life showing you that you are healed ‘on this’ within yourself…

      You may have cleaned up associated painful beliefs previously and life was delivering to you the confirmation that these are cleaned up!

      Being aware means you can go ‘Yay! Look how much I have healed this!’

      However, if we get a big charge – then we have something to heal…(hope that makes sense :))

      That is huge that you have let go of needing or having to force someone to take responsibility.

      FABBO! Massive progress! After all wasn’t that one of the biggest, most deadly hooks in regard to being narc abused?

      This is an incredible gift you got out of the ‘kitten incident’.

      So true – re illusions being a way of avoiding ourself. The illusion of external power, the illusion that an addiction will make us ‘feel better’…etc.

      So true when we stop avoiding self, and start to partner self – then life partners us.

      Yes Jac you have that right – and to check out if it is an illusion we need to ask ourself – ‘Is this more of me expressing myself in the world with love?”, or “Is this something I am trying to get from life in order to try and feel less pain and fear?”

      Life with a narc is fear based – very much so – and so many things in our life break down and go wrong in relationships when living with narcs…absolutely.Bad karma totally…

      And the longer we stay – more goes wrong.

      I hope my love I have been able to convey this article in a way that does make sense :)

      Mel xo

      • Thanks Mel, and I have received another gift from the kitten. I really enjoy her visits and it ‘feels right’ now I have let go of the need to be responsible for her. I am now her angel looking out for her instead.

        I totally understand about Karma now. It is a matter to keep working on myself and my beliefs to make sure I live my life truthfully and with honesty for myself.

        Scientist believe ‘life is an illusion’ and main stream society mostly believe that is just the way life is and there is no escaping our ‘illusion’ which is just not true.

        There are still some things I get a reaction to and each time I get a ‘charge’ on something, feeling a less than feeling I go in and dig, then clear it the best I can and keep doing that until I no longer get a charge on it. I really don’t like the feeling of having that negative charge as it feel awful. I think you would agree. Living with the narc experience is horrendous and the fear to the strength to which I experienced it on every level is a feeling I never will repeat. I believe my ex has had a good dose of bad karma and is still attracting it. His obsession with material objects (collection) is what is keeping him alive, but he has lost all sense of who he is. So it will catch up to them everyone and now he is in a loop that their is no escape from. At least I am not there with him :)

        By the way, the program on “Making Couples Happy” was based on ‘mainstream’ ways of dealing with psychology rather than energy. Did you see it? I found it hard to watch as the methods of helping couples to me was the hardest way and the ‘normal’ human way of dealing. After what I have learnt with you and what I have discovered since my narc experience is, it won’t go away and often patterns are repeated once the show is over. x

        • Just to add…all the couples in that show seemed horrifically co-dependent in some way and looked a long way from being connected to themselves. It will be interesting to see how it turns out for them. I noticed a few words spoken by the men, were abusive and degrading toward their women and they all look miserable. I truly hope it works out for them. :)x

          • Yes Jac,

            (to your add on).

            No-one can grant another person ‘love’ and ‘wholeness’

            A successful relationship is two people sharing love and wholeness – never expecting the other person to ‘grant’ it.

            And this truly is only authentic if two people take responsibility for their own stuff (only ‘self’ can heal ‘self’)and love and support each other’s journey in doing so.

            Mel xo

        • Hi Jac,

          how gorgeous that you get to see the kitten – that is beautiful!

          Maybe she is preparing you for your own gorgeous moggy!

          The dear friend who looked after my boy now misses him so much that he is researching cats on the internet. He said he couldn’t get to sleep the first night he left because of missing my darling Tigs so much!

          I love cats – as I’m sure you do!

          I think your kitten will turn up in your life soon :)

          Yes sweetie, we are here to be authentic, to be ‘real’ and to know we are whole. And when we aren’t – Life / our Soul delivers a few kicks to show us we aren’t.

          That is fantastic that you are self-reflecting – because life (as the prompt) and then going within with total self-honesty, and having the way to release ‘what isn’t serving us’ is the complete instruction book.

          It is actually a simple formula. It is only our resistance, lack of self-ownership or not realising ‘what is really happening’ that gets in the way.

          And of course getting stuck in the ‘logic’ (ego).

          I agree after being struck and enmeshed in external power seeking at it’s worst – his and our own – why on earth would we ever go back to that life of fear, emptiness and pain?

          I had my lounge room furniture delivered this morning – 6:30 am of all times! (What was with that lol – early mornings are not my thing!)…so I wasn’t ready to watch that show Thursday night.

          Jac, I must admit I would find that frustrating too – as I truly cannot for the life of me (after taking this journey) understand how a) Another partner by modifying their behaviour can actually ‘heal’ the other partner’s wounds, or b)How strategies to manage internal wounds can ever be any more than ongoing management rather than get to the core of them and actually healing them…

          Just my opinion and observation from every client I have ever met who has taken that route and my own personal experience..

          I am outspoken about this – but after realising when we own our pain and triggers, go deeply into them – we get to the real ‘reason’ of the dysfunction – we GO straight to it…and if we have the way to release it and connect back to Source – truly we have healed it.

          That is the level of consciousness we are so blessed to be able to work with now..

          Then there is no need to try to get someone else to fix us (which they never can) and there is no need to manage our dysfunctions – because piece by piece we transcend into a way of ‘being’ that just does NOT need that.

          We no longer have to try to force ourself into ‘doing’ what will work – we just get to become the ‘beingness’ of it.

          That is why we are called human ‘beings’ and not human ‘doings’.

          Mel xo

  5. This message resonated with me – I was that little girl and am still her in a lot of unhealed ways: I’m far along in the process of setting my boundaries with my ex but am now experiencing the pain of having to set it with my children as well, who have grown up seeing narcissistic behaviour, and who know my pain triggers. I can see how they can turn out narcissistic as well unless they are now taught to recognise the motivations and intentions of their own behaviour, and motivated to align it with ‘goodness’.

    • Hi Lisa,

      I am glad this article ‘spoke to you’.

      With our children, the more healed we become – the more our children do ‘get it’…

      Make sure you make your healing your greatest priority rather than trying to prescribe to them…because truly where your energy goes, will create great boundaries, and their energy will follow.

      Good luck and much healing.

      Mel xo

  6. Karma…Personally I believe that as co-creators of and in life the karmic debts which occur serve to awaken as individuals and a whole to the absolute truth; that is our oneness in love. Karma is the cause and effect of spiritual matters manifesting in our physical world; aka this 3D reality we live in. Karma includes both spiritual gifts and the lessons that each person / soul needs to learn to evolve. I don’t understand it all but I do trust in my own intuition (that quiet deep part within…the peaceful part of my being that simply is) and the message I hear is always about the intention, the motivation or reasons for actions, etc and not so much “the what, how, when, etc but the ‘why’? I cried when reading the plight of the Narcissist. WHY? I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness because I realized that I cannot help my own mother (she is the narcissist in my life) and having to accept that fact causes me pain. It’s no longer about my abuse and pain because I am finally healing my inner wounds through acceptance. It’s still difficult and I struggle some days more than others as I remind myself that my ‘no contact’ is vital for my own well being and recovery. Feeling sad is better than still feeling angry, abused and helpless…I am starting to let go :) Thanks for this article Melanie :)

    • Hi Dianne,

      Oh yes – the WHY is totally what I believe it is ALL about. If we never ask WHY we do that or receive those results (and take responsibility that the answer is with ‘self’) we would never heal unhealed wounds and evolve. I also agree with you totally that karma is simply granting us all the evidence we need to evolve and heal.

      In regard to your Mother, I truly do believe as an eternal being – her destination in the end will be Love and Oneness. All of ‘life’ as per her karmic results are leading her there.

      I don’t believe it is a matter of ‘if’ – I believe it is a matter of ‘when’ – because there is ONLY love – there truly is no other place to end up!

      Can you heal that sadness out – because truly the way we ‘see someone’ adds to the energy of the experience they are going through. Energetically it adds ‘more’ pain.

      You can assist your Mum and yourself much more powerfully by feeling and ‘knowing’ she is ‘going home to Soul Truth’ one day – and no matter what her journey looks like now it is all in perfect and divine order.

      Have you worked with QF Healing? Because you can achieve this shift with it.

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

  7. Living our own life is like driving our own car. Yet many of us do not live our own lives. This is like driving our car down the road and expecting the driver of the car next to us to some how start driving our car. We do not need a narcissist to control our life, our car. We are responsible for this task in our own lives, Not someone else. If you want to go in the direction you want too, then you/we have to be in control of the wheel, IF you want to be involved with the direction of your destiny. DO not let the narcissist or anyone else at the controls of your life. We control our own karma is what I read from your article. Someone tell me if I understood this right. Thanks Melanie for this article.

  8. Hi Eric,

    You’re welcome Eric!

    This is true, you have got it right.

    It’s when we hold other people responsible for our life, our feelings and living our truth, our hands are off the wheel, and if they don’t take the wheel in ‘the way we want’ – we hit a tree!

    Correct Eric we are solely responsible for the creation of our life, our fulfilment, results, ‘fullness’ and happiness – no-one else is.

    They can only ‘add’ to these already existing parts of us :)

    Mel xo

    • Hi Rachel,

      the answer to that is the same for everyone. Commit to the healing of your unhealed parts that are not as yet allowing you to be a Source to yourself.

      Sweetie, when you do that you won’t have thoughts, hooks or longings, or anger or resentment or pain. You will break free into your true ‘self’ and life.

      It takes work, it takes dedicating to yourself – but the results are magnificent.

      If you make yourself the highest priority in your life to do this, you will emerge at a much higher level of fulfilment, self-knowing and self-belief than you ever dreamed of.

      You will know yourself as ‘whole’. That’s why you had a narc in your life – in order to claim this level of healing.

      That is why it is a ‘make’ or ‘break’ deal. It’s all about you healing yourself.

      Mel xo

  9. Hi Melanie, great article, thanks for sharing! I think most people that come out of a narcissistic abusive relationship asks themselves…why did I deserve such bad karma by being treated this way? And will the narcissist pay for what he/she did to me? A couple years ago, several months after my ex-narc broke up with me, he showed up to a fundraiser I was hosting with the new girl he was seeing. Some of our mutual friends told him it would not be a good idea to bring the new girl because it would hurt me. His response was, “I can’t hide forever” – he did not like to be told what to do and he did not care that it would hurt me. This was before I was aware he was a narcissist, and that was the first time I saw his ‘true colors’. Because it was my event(and I knew the girl that he brought), I had to be the bigger person and went up to both of them and thanked them for coming. I put a smile on my face, gave them both a hug and was very friendly. At the end of the night while I was driving home I had to pull over to cry because I could no longer hold in the pain. It’s been almost two years since that night and I still find it hard to write this story because of how much it hurt. But I remember when I braced myself and walked up to greet them, in my head I said to myself, “one day he will get his karma for doing this.”
    Although I still believe unconditionally that what goes around comes around, I now have a more profound concept of karma on a soul level. When I had my first session with Melanie I asked her if I had done something terribly wrong to deserve this much pain, and she told me I was picking it up from others and making it about myself. When I read Melanie’s ebook about forgiveness I realized I had been carrying other people’s karma (bad doing), including my own, for a very long time. In the forgiveness exercise we are supposed to write a list of people that have hurt us. My original list was 30 people. I am 30 years old so I realized 1 person hurt me for every year of my life. As I started working through the forgiveness process for each person, other memories of people that have hurt me came up and I would add them to the list. In the end, I do not know the exact number of people that hurt me, but I can tell you it was pages long. I had done no work to get the lesson out of these experiences, I had done no work to release the pain and I had done no work to forgive them. No wonder nothing in my life EVER worked out. Additionally, I had very poor boundaries and I would easily take on other people’s bad energy and unhealed parts. That’s why I was such a great match for a narcissist.
    It took me over a month, working diligently every day (sometimes I would forgive 3 people in one day) to finally forgive everyone that hurt me. I felt such a relief each time I did that I looked forward to doing it even though I had to go back to feeling the pain. I could actually feel the karma leave my body. And I know it worked…a couple days after I forgave this guy (let’s call him Josh) that took advantage of me when I was 13 years old and then spread rumors about me that I was a slut (the reputation stayed with me throughout most of my high school years), my girlfriend saw Josh at a family function and he asked her about me and said, “I was just thinking about contacting her the other day because I feel terrible about what happened when we were kids.” Although Josh and I went to high school together and have mutual friends, I have not seen him in several years and we were never close friends. And I can assure you he NEVER apologized or felt bad for what he did. My friend thought it was odd that he even asked about me, let alone bring up something that happened 18 years ago. She had no idea the work I had been doing and when she told me that story (only days after I forgave him) I almost fell to my knees in shock. I think the universe was trying to tell me that the work I was doing was working.
    I think what Melanie says is so true. If we stay the victim, we keep attracting situations that victimize us. It’s not because we are bad people and we deserve bad karma, it’s because we are attracting situations that are aligned with our emotional vibration and inner belief system. And if we deliberately hurt someone, or our ‘intention’ like how it’s stated in Melanie’s article, is coming from a bad place, it will deliver to us more bad situations.

    • Hi GA,

      you are so welcome!

      Yes it is very true that by taking other people’s behaviour on (which is incredibly human and normal) we simply become a ‘match’ for more abuse and pain.

      And this is why it is so important to heal from these painful perceptions and emotional feelings.

      You are spot on! :)

      You have done an incredible amount of hard work on yourself – and I am so not surprised you had that confirmation!

      When we become a source of ‘reconciliation’ to ourself – then we receive ‘more’ from life.

      That’s just how energy works…

      I’ve said it before , and I will again – it is an absolute joy to see you evolve from so broken when we started – to the lady full of love and life that you are now today…and it is all due to your incredible commitment to heal piles and piles of stuff!

      So correct GA – bad karma is not about being ‘bad’ – the Laws of Life make no judgement whatsoever – they simply say “I unconditionally love you so much – I will grant you ‘more’ of yourself.”

      Which means whatever emotional frequency you are vibrating at.

      That’s why it is our greatest mission in life to clean up our painful emotional frequency (feelings / beliefs).

      Thank you once again GA for your lovely share.

      Mel xo

  10. Wow, you have come to me with info I was thinking about i loved this ‘Karma’ info. thankyou I feel im starting to come through the fog. God Bless
    Jan

  11. I very much enjoyed this article and read it slowly as to absorb the truths and lessons of it. Thank you for identifying the reason the extreme selfish one is operating as he or she feels is their right. And also where their life path will take them. Of course, we want them to pay for what they have done to us, but I am truly moving past the need for that now. Thankfully.
    I am married to and divorcing a nacissist at this time. We are battling it out in court after a long, punishing marriage of 20 years. He took full advantage of me. I allowed it. This is our second go around for divorcing. The last time, eight years ago, was called off at the last possible moment and we resumed our marriage with worst results than before. His treatment after that reconcillation was worst than ever.

    When I met this person six years before I married him, I begin to feel very ill. I grew more ill as time passed and the doctors could not identify the source of my health problems. I believe now, he was sucking the life force from me and thrieving at my expense.
    My acute health problems were real, and actually hospitalized me multiple times over the years, sometimes very serious. It was my heart, my electrolytes and other problems. I now believe after separating from him for a year now, that he is the direct cause of my health problems. I feel better, with each passing day. How someone can pull the life energy out of another, I can’t understand. But I have to accept it, because I lived it.
    Whenever I now have to see him in court, it hurts me deep inside my body. Until last time. I am able to detach myself enough now, to feel freedom from the illness and the drawing on of my energy. I don’t hurt after being in his presence now! The last time, it was fine, I protected myself and could even look directly at him, without becoming ill. So, that being said, I know I have made great strides in escaping the prison I created and chose for myself. His behavior grew worse over the years towards me, until it became unbearable. I had to leave! I am free, except for the final divorce. He has stalled the divorce for a long while now. But in a few more months, it will be done.
    Thank you for your fantastic article that hit the sweet spot for me tonight in terms of what I am going through. I want to understand about the whys behind the cries and pain. I love learning more about Karma too.
    I believe he will get everything (life lessons and debts) in this life, to pay back. I don’t believe it will carry over to his next life. Your article put everything in prospective for me about why I am where I am now. I obviously was fooled by him, but I wanted to be fooled. He could not have played it off without my coperation. I need to know the reasons I tolerated all of it for so very long. Your article helps me with these many questions. Thanks again!

    • Hi Jacqueline,

      I am glad you have enjoyed this artcile.

      It is wonderful that you are releasing the need for ‘payback’.

      Energy just is what it is…and it will play out ‘as it is’.

      We can understand wishing payback is simply ‘bad karma’.

      Because what we wish , feel, or do to others we DO to ourself (we are all One) – so there is no upside karmically to wishing pain on anyone.

      Many people will concur with your regarding feeling like the life force is being sucked from you – absolutely.

      There are many people, like yourself who suffered major health issues when living with narcs. It is indeed a gradual or not so gradual total disintegration of ‘self’.

      That is wonderful you have broken free, and the divorce is the last thing to go – and it is lovely how you are claiming your life force back – that is joyous!

      I agree that in this accelerated time of so within / so without (which is getting more and more instaneous) – I don’t think there are any narcs who aren’t going to reap what they sow now…that is just how this vibration feels.

      Ego doesn’t create the results anymore. One has to go around the block several times with ego (huge amounts of effort to get results) – that direct path of force to get result simply does not exist anymore.

      Everyone’s inner is creating external results much more powerfully and obviously now.

      Fabbo that you have taken responsibility and applied the awareness that you need to heal your inner – because without that there is no authentic breakthrough possible.

      Once you get to those ‘reasons’ and release them – truly you will not know how much joy and life awaits you on the other side!

      Mel xo

  12. My X mother-in-law pleaded with her son (my husband) to leave me, his children and come home to live “as a family”. A supreme narcissist. Years later, her son had been so abusive, I was literally a wreck … as he sobbed “I’m hemorraging! Help me. You can make me feel good”. I felt helpless… but for the first time I sensed karma generational. It took a lot but I finally left with the children. I am still 11 years later in process of emotionally healing.

    • Hi Catherine,

      It is so good that you left, and truly if you really go deep within you and take this journey – rather than just trying to ‘survive’ and hope that ‘time will heal’ – you will heal.

      Recovery is not a time-line it is a ‘state’..

      And you can claim that ‘state’. You, as does everyone, deserves to be released and heal from the pain.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  13. I have always felt what comes around goes around..and like was mentioned in someones earlier posting..no time limit! As far as my own karma for being narcissistically abused ,,I had to ask myself why was I so needy as to be taken in by the words of a narcissist? So I worked your program and worked on what was going on inside of me. At this point what happens to him has no effect on me…what does it matter..he seems to have crawled back under the rock he slithered out of and is out of my life! Mean while I have my life back..spend time with friends doing things that I enjoy! Maybe even more so now that I take responsibility for my own happiness! Nothing else is really my business…just me, I am my business! I feel much stronger, I know I have boundaries now and that feels good! As for the snake…his Karma was bad when I met him! I now go by a proverb someone shared with me ” he that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly …

    • Hi Sharon,

      I am so pleased you have been able to work NARP and release yourself….

      And it is beautiful that you have come home to yourself and you are claiming happiness and your life.

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  14. Hi Mel,
    Wow, thank you for writing on this complex and enthralling topic.
    Once we learn about the gift of relationships with others who have NPD and accept responsibility for our part and our healing I feel that our sense of karma radically changes. At least , it did so for me and others have indicated the same here in their posts.
    I remember, some time back, you telling me that I had been carrying my mother’s karma all my life.
    My parents abandoned me as a very young child and like all children I interpreted this as me being ” too bad, too unlovable” ..I allowed this to become my identity..
    I carried this into adult relationships with with people with NPD.
    My mother scorned and shamed me for expressing my pain to her many years later when I was an adult.
    I found it hard to understand that I might have chosen this family to be born into.
    Now, with the miracle you and I co created with Quanta FH and NARP I found what I was looking for , love and acceptance and healing , as on ongoing journey….in myself…
    So when we get there, and continue along our path, and do feel connected to Source , any need to wish harm or retribution on others no longer exists ..
    If we feel at one with Life and Source and reverence for Life, we cannot say except for people with NPD…
    I struggled very hard with accepting any responsibility for being born into my family of origin, as a Soul Choice..

    Now, I am reading a book called “Your Soul’s Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born” by Robert Schwarz..
    This book takes the self responsibility we are talking about another step further ; that we planned our life experiences with our Guides and others before birth. And thos such as our mothers or those with whom we created abusive relationships agreed to their role….
    The purpose of the painful or traumatic events is to balance our Soul…It may have been , as you said, that we ourselves acted in ways that harmed others in previous lifetimes…and as someone else posted we contract with other Souls for what heals and helps us evolve…So for me, this speaks to Oneness, we are all here to create peace, find peace and light with help from other beings. We are all teachers and students of love , and peace and Karma…
    I would never have guessed, dearest Melanie, thank with you as my guide, I would have moved from Victim, Unwanted Not Good Enough One , blaming my parents to now feeling, knowing that I did plan this all before birth.. Not yet clear on why! It is as it is, in time that too will be revealed.
    So that to me is my Karmic Truth..
    I Am in the process of turning full circle in this lifetime in my understanding of my life events..
    The gifts are many; humility because I now see the arrogance of my victim hood; feeling deep pain and separation blesses us with compassion for all beings
    and gratitude for my co actors working their own circle..

    I wonder often about our co actors, our Soul Companions through different life times.,, how we connect and contract with them , how we sometimes find them again, knowing somehow , somewhere , we have been with them before…
    I will read this article many times I’ m sure Mel, ; thank you for giving us this opportunity to share our feelings with each other on this topic and especially for sharing your own feelings and thoughts .
    Val xxx

    • Hi Val,

      You are so welcome.

      I agree with you – I believe karma is simply the results of our emotional / belief vibration – and we do get the incredible gift of cleaning this up within ourself as a result of being narc abused.

      It is an evolution lesson of the highest order.

      The beautiful thing is that you chose to take the lesson (accept and connect the dots) and heal – and the results have truly spoken for themself :)

      I have ordered this book – and can’t wait to read it – it is totally aligned with what I believe :) I’m soooo looking forward to it!

      Yes Val – you have it TOTALLY – it is all about ‘Oneness’ – all of it!

      That is so beautiful how you have stated gratitide for your co-actors – those that helped you heal and evolved – which is exactly what the narc’s soul’s have done.

      I do believe Val water finds it own level – it is a Universe of ‘like attracts like’.

      Having transcended this point of ‘victim’ there is no need to be ‘victimised’ again (unless of course we decide to disconnect from ‘self as our own Source’ in the future).

      So unless narcs take the leap towards Soul truths there will be no ‘attraction’ (meeting up) in the future…until that happened.

      Then it may be a glorious hug and thank you to a fellow being of recognising and connecting to Oneness…

      Until then there would be no serving ‘self’ to reconnect.

      You have done such an amazing job of healing gorgeous lady!

      Mel xo

  15. Wow!!! This is exactly what I needed to hear at this point. I’ve been struggling with understanding karma and justice as we perceive it for so long. It only shows me I still have a lot of work on myself still, a tough journey no doubt, but has to be taken since I attract men who initially shower me with compliments and attention, then slowly pull back. I know I’m not needy, besides struggled with understanding why they did this, and neediness would naturally be an obvious reason. I have my own life, job, kids, studies and plans. Something is still not right deep inside, and I need to find it and heal it. I am now struggling with a need to connect, is something not right there? Do I still lack self love and looking for props. I suffered for more than 10 years with a subtle narc, and still trying to file a divorce and scared of his reaction. His dad is a master narc too whose wife died young, then years later his other son passed away too leaving a young wife and toddler behind. You’d think this is his karma, losing a wife and son to cancer, but no, his actions get worse and projects his lacking onto his other son, my ex husband, who in turn projects it all on me in defence of his poor dad who has no one left. Ialways felt such negative energy around them, like they sucked off my energy. I’m usually a pleasant person who always gets comments on how my smile speaks of positivity. With them, I’m a totally different person, bitter and depressed.

    Thanks Mel for such an eye opener

    P.S I just remembered a quote, “Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge you because you’re a vegetarian” so, yeah, karma isn’t instantaneous like I’d expected or wished it to be, but it sure does an amazing job!!

    • Hi MSA,

      I am so glad this article resonated with you.

      What you may find is that you are picking unavalaible men because you are still trying to heal a wound with an unavaliable parent.

      “If this unavaliable person loves me it means I have healed my relationship with (Mum / Dad)”

      Or your belief systems are set at ‘I will never get close enough to someone so that they can ever hurt me again”…so by subconsciously choosing unavaliable people you don’t have to…

      These are actually more common reasons (in my opinion than neediness!)

      This is how powerfully our unhealed wounds will play out.

      MSA – narcs miss ‘karma’ as “what I am creating” and no they don’t learn…and this is why they don’t heal, grow or change.

      Truly if this man is your ex, then why are you still spending time taking his energy?…Boundaries need to be laid here, because your greatest commitment is to your vibration – that is your job.

      I love your expression – and it is SO SPOT ON!

      Fabulous saying – thank you so much for sharing it – I think it may be my new quote for the week! :)

      Mel xo

    • MSA,
      Great post- Thank you!
      However, I noticed that you have a fear factor vis a vis the divorce.
      Let’s take a look at this in another way.
      No doubt you have heard of the vampire myth; those people who get bitten by one, turn into one and feed off of regular human blood, can’t go out in the light of day, live supposedly forever, and so on.
      Have you ever stopped to wonder where the heck such stories come from?
      They come from the life-cycle, so to speak, of Narcissists. Think about it.
      Narcs depend on other peoples’ energy! It actually makes sense, in a strange way, to see Narcs as the origin of the vampire myth; which, by the way, can be found in all cultures and has been around for a very long time!
      So, what would happen if you allow your fear to hold you back from divorcing the narc? You already know that answer; and it’s not nice.
      Remember, in order for the vampire to bite, the “victim” always has to invite the vampire in! Part of the reason for the invitation is fear.
      Yes, fear.
      Much of the advertising industry feeds off of fear. Such ads read like this: Buy this deodorant so you won’t stink (fear of being unacceptable because you stink)and people will love you (because you don’t stink!)
      The narc instills in you (at first) that you are so totally loveable and all that sort of thing because you are with HIM! So you must be great!- because HE is great! How awesome is that!? If you leave him, you won’t be so loveable! You will stink!-like the deodorant ads say! Oh what an awful fate!
      Really, what are you scared of? If you file for divorce you can always get a restraining order- just make sure you word it right; that you are afraid for your life, or whatever a good lawyer tells you. what else might the narc do? Tell everyone how terrible you are? Those who would actually believe that are fools, in a nutshell. The people who really love you will see through his antics in a New York second.
      Incidently, the whole vampire thing makes sense: they can’t go out in the light of day when you realize that the light of day is the light of consciousness! The same is true of narcs!
      Please keep us posted, and carry on in your progress!
      Cheers!

      • @Mel, Thank you for your words of encouragement. Seems I have more to look for inside than I had thought.. or maybe just be careful with my choices in the future. Yes, I admit relationships scare the hell out of me, now more than ever, because after the narc ex-husband I got involved with another unavailable man (LDR) who isn’t exactly narc, but as a friend of mine commented, “displays some narc behaviour”; throughout our 3-year relationship, he never once remembered my birthday while I made sure to spoil him on his. Needless to say, I ended up broken hearted… again!! Anyway, you’ve been a great help, and I will continue to read on how to heal and subsequently be attracted to more available men. I can’t say there was none of them, but I just wasn’t attracted to them. Kinda weird come to think of it.

        @Kay, Yes, you’re absolutely right. He still gets to me, and the vampire analogy greatly applies. I feel literally “drained” in his presence, like all my energy is sucked dry even when he does nothing. I took a 5-day vacation totally away from him and I can’t start to tell how rejuvenated I felt. I am planning to move away, but because I have 2 children, this is what scares me, that he’d use them to pressure me not to move out or not to divorce. I need all the energy and wit I can get as I am planning to confront him in a couple of months. Thanks for your concern and support. It helps knowing someone out there feels my pain and cares :)
        Cheers!

  16. Thanks for the article Melanie. I read something recently; maybe you wrote it. It went something like this; it is my responsibility to be the adult that protects, cares for and supplies the love that I need. It is true I think. I am the one who creates my reality and it is me that decides what and who can come into my life and home. If I allow only those who reflect my loving and peaceful self, then I will have peace and love in my home. If I allow people in who I do not trust and who violate my boundaries, then I need to take responsibility for the fact that something in me allowed that person or event to come in. I allowed it. I am responsible for plugging up the empty spaces in my life and learning to fill them with nourishing things that feel good.

    • Hi Suzanne,

      what you have written is gorgeous (I’m not sure if it my words), but truly I couldn’t have put it better than you just wrote.

      Totally true – only we can plug up our holes and gaps of deficient self-love and inner fulfilment…it never was anyone else’s job…Then there is NO neediness to accept ‘less than’ this fulfilment ever again (which abuse and pathological behaviour clearly is).

      Great job!

      Mel xo

  17. I have been in two abusive long term relationships with men, who I now understand where evil and Narcissistic. It seems that I was innocently attracted to these men who where imitations of my abusive father. I have struggled to overcome this abuse, which basically left my life in a mess and without my faith in God, and his love for me, I just wouldn’t have made it…. I can see no comparison in my life with these men to the pain that has been inflicted on me by my Narcissistic Mother. I’m not sure if anyone could ever understand just how different the pain is, being rejected by a mother who gave birth to you unless they have experienced it. I believe in God, but I don’t want my parents punishing for the dreadful things that they have done to me. That wouldn’t make me happy knowing that they might go to Hell, a place where you live with yourself for all eternity….

  18. Hi Mel
    Thank you for the article, it resonates greatly with my own belief. I grew up in a family in which I felt disconnected from, unloved and frightened most, if not all of the time, it was not a religious family but I used to go to two different churches most Sundays although we mostly used to color with pencils that sort of thing but for some reason I grew up believing that ‘God’ was my real father and that he was a loving and kind God who did not punish, I somehow believed that our own actions would create their own punishment, I believed God gave us a mind to do with as we wished therefore if we did things that could be considered bad, then after granting us the privilege to do what we wanted, how could he then punish us??? However, as I got older, coming up to my teenage years I pushed God out of my mind, out of my life, it was like he was my conscience and I din’t want it any more as I wanted to do things which I knew weren’t really the right things to do ~ and I have paid for this! Anyway, as I have got older I reconnected with God but my understanding on God has changed greatly over the years, I think my childhood version of God was almost like a life saver to me growing up and served me well; however, as I have learned more about spirituality my idea on God has changed and I have learned about Karma and my understanding fits yours exactly and is not dissimilar to my childhood reasoning around punishment etc. I totally agree that the behavior etc that is witnessed on the outside does not always represent what is on the inside. The more I have been able to ‘observe’ myself and my life the more confirmation I get back that says that yes, it is our intentions and inner beliefs that are really the driving force in life and that is what we ‘get back’. I think we absolutely have to take absolute and full responsibility for ourselves and truly and deeply be the values, traits etc that we want to receive back from others, I don’t believe there is any other way, in fact, for me, it is more than a belief its like I now know this to be the truth and if others don’t know it yet then they are just not awake enough to realize it yet, just as I wasn’t, people are no better or worse than me, we are just at different stages of realization and of course I am still learning but I reckon I’ve got that one in the bag, I just have to learn now how to be that person but you are helping me immensely with that. I was interested in what you said about Karma in relation to the narcissist, my ex narcs father is also a narcissist and is spending his last years living in absolute squalor on a very remote island with just two dogs for company, the rest of the islanders look out for him but have little to do with him because apart from his still very grandiose ideas, I am lead to believe that he is rather unpleasant, none of his children or family have anything to do with him, my ex narc only met him for the first time in his life a few years ago but when he told me about his father I was totally gobsmacked as he could have been talking about himself, but are you saying that if they really wanted to, they could turn their experience around by taking responsibility for themselves or would they have to start doing that from a younger age in a different life or are they just here to help us, people like me, learn the lessons I needed to learn to be able to move on and begin to become the person I was meant to be and so they will continue this pattern forever?

    • Hi Karen,

      I think many of us when we were younger (and maybe not so young) had to experience ‘Who we are not’ to work out ‘Who we wish to be’…

      You were not alone there!

      I relate to that story re the narcissist in declining years – I have actually never heard anything disimilar.

      People pull away, the charm and energy wears thin – and the narcissist is left very, very alone.

      And the more embittered they become on the inside the more they project and push people away – or reject them directly.

      Narcissists due to accumulated wounds do not get jollier, more mellow or more at peace with age like ‘nasty’ or ‘bitter’ non-narcs who have learnt through ‘wake-up’ calls do.

      The defining factor is of course – taking responsibility.

      This is my take…It would only be a narc who totally crashes, resists all narcissistic supply (the drug) and fully commits to him or herself and does complete abstinence from seeking narcissistic supply who could face the inner broken parts and heal.

      That is probably too hard and daunting for the older generation narc – who is already suffering this experience of narcissistic supply drying up.

      Further the older generation traditionally have very little awareness of inner healing and evolving their consciousness – these really are ‘new’ philosophies that have taken off only in recent times.

      In regard to younger narcs – the way the world is – there is plenty of people remaining who will hand over narcissitic supply to those who still have the energy to get it.

      There are too many people with unhealed parts also seeking external power – (I need you to give me myself) who are easy targets.

      This all happened as a result of us being modelled to be co-dependent – which was a system created to move us away from ‘know thyself’ so that the narcissists (self-entitled) of the world could take from and control us….That’s what the 5000 years of egoic power was all about.

      Further there is copious amounts of ‘stuff’ for the narcissist to feed the ego and completely avoid ‘self’ with.

      I believe (and it just my theory) when consciousness evolves enough (it hasnt yet – but is definetely moving in that direction) there will be a definite cut off point – with only authenticity creating any results.

      Levels of perception / outcomes will be so mirrored out as to what people are on ‘the inside’ that narcs will no longer be able to hide behind a mask.

      Their wounds will be clear to all…and there will be no ability to get narcissistic supply.

      Energy, attention, love, fulfilment etc. will have to be self-produced in order to ‘get’ anything.

      I believe that is when narcissists will heal.

      Before then it is highly unlikely – and I have never to this point experienced or heard of one credible case of a NPD healing.

      I believe that is because of the reasons I have stated above.

      As I stated these are simply my thoeries :)

      Oh and yes definetely the gift was avaliable to all (even the narc) through the exchange – which was to heal – that is your gift….

      Mel xo

      • Thanks Mel,
        That cleared a lot up for me and I can actually remember thinking this myself a while back (you maybe said it before) about when we all become more authentic the narcs will die out ~ it actually makes perfect sense, even on a logical level. I think my thinking has been slightly astray recently as I get nearer to the time of moving out of the house I previously shared with the ex narc (it is still in his name and his state benefits still pay the rent) and it is around now that he would normally start creeping back into my life or rather just ‘walking’ back in with me almost grabbing him by the arms back in!!! Anyway, good news, I will see him on Tuesday for the last time, before he leaves the country for a break and in the next 2 or 3 weeks I will be moved into my own flat and I will never have to respond to his attempts at contact again. I will block his mobile number/email address from my accounts, tell him never to contact me again and that if he does I will be contacting the police and as soon as I leave this house I will be asking the victim support team here to assist me in contacting the police so that have got it on record that I want no further contact with this person and that if I do receive any I will be contacting them immediately. My time with the narc is over and I am now all about creating the authentic person I choose to be. I have got it clear again by reading your response, reading what other people have written on here, your replies to them, listening to the no contact audio book again and working the 30 day empowerment challenge (I already completed the NARC programme which cleared a lot of stuff to enable me to get to a place to be able to even think about rebuilding my life away from him.
        Thank you so much Mel and to all the other people who have taken the time to share their thoughts and experiences on here, it helps tremendously.
        Thank you guys

        • Hi Karen,

          I am so glad the information has helped you, and you are feeling really strong and really clear.

          You are definetely on the totally correct track to claiming yourself and your life.

          Closing the door on any connections or contact.

          Big yippee from my office! :) Great stuff…

          And this is so fantastic that you are putting the work into yourself to get to this level of liberation and freedom!

          Mel xo

  19. Hi Sue,

    It totally depends on what your beliefs are.

    Personally (and it is just my personal opinion) I certainly don’t believe that God / Souce / Life is punishing

    Which to me would mean – A narcissist who is not getting his grandoise entitled requirement and needs to malisciously punish because ‘he’ is not.

    I believe it is exactly the contrary.

    How on earth could God / Source / Life / All that is – require anything – when it is ALREADY everything?

    That to me just does not compute!

    I believe God / Source / Life is so completely unconditionally loving we are given total free will.

    Which means ‘I love you so much I will grant you MORE OF YOURSELF’, and there is no ‘judgement’ either way.

    It’s very interesting how Greek Mythology was a system of archetypes and deep ‘know thyself’ and Pan (The Goat / Devil) was known as the ‘scapegoat’.

    This system taught ‘self-responsbility’ – which is what ‘know thyself’ is all about.

    Therefore I don’t believe any external force is doing anything to us – I believe we are doing it all to ourself!

    I also believe in the concept of being eternal beings – (energy cannot not exist), which means that if anyone is ‘damned’ – it is because they are choosing in any ‘moment of now’ not to learn, and not to evolve and not to heal their unhealed parts of pain, fear and shame – the very parts which keeps them separated from knowing God / Source and Who They Really Are (a part of God / Source)

    Life will continue to reflect back the results of this – and will give eternal chances until this person become ‘conscious’ stops scapegoating and recognises they are the only force doing this to themself.

    There is only self-punishemnt – because there is only ‘self’ creating here (as a part of God / Source)

    “Are ye not all Gods?”

    Further I don’t believe heaven and hell are a ‘place’ – I believe they are a ‘state’- and we always have the ability eternally to choose.

    I believe your parents will inevitably come home to God / Source – it’s not a matter of ‘if’ it a matter of ‘when’ – because there is nowhere else to go – but back to God / Source (if you believe this is where we all came from).

    And when they do, I believe they will be welcomed with incredibly loving arms – which of course will be ‘more of themself’.

    Mel xo

  20. Wonderful article. I can see why I ended up with my narcissistic ex husband. My mum died when I was 13 and my Dad was selfish, childlike and extremely volatile. His needs dominated everyone else’s. My first marriage was to a man who turned out to be just like my Dad! My next was to mr narc and no surprise there. I was abused when I was a teenager and then spent my life being used and taken advantage of. Whenever I came across a nice man I cheated on them and treated them really badly. I’ve struggled to be able to have a relationship with someone who is decent, kind and balanced. I am dating someone at the moment who is like that and it’s a real struggle for me. My usual pattern would be to call it a day and say there is no chemistry, attraction etc. But I’ve realised what am I attracted to is not healthy. I go for off the scale alpha male, charming, highly controlling, emotionally elusive men. The last man I dated a couple of times before mr nice was exactly like that and I was pleased that as soon as I saw him showing emotionally manipulative behaviours (which I was much more aware of having read your articles) that I finished it.

    I think I have a lot of work to do on myself and the whole process of dating has really been a useful mirror for me about my relationship with myself. I think mr nice has shown up (and I’m giving that good person space rather than rejecting them) because I’m now focusing more on me, going back to hobbies/interests as I loved when younger, planning a new career, taking up new challenges and recognising that life is amazing. Last year I was only focused on filling the hole left by my marriage ending and dating some really bad choices. This is the first time ever in my life when I’ve looked inward at me and what I want rather than grabbing at a relationship. I am so much stronger in myself that should another mr narc show up I don’t think he would get too far as I don’t need him. You can only attract light and positive energy if you are developing positive energy by yourself. In the same way we may only be attracted to good people and things if we feel good about ourselves and that can only come from within.

    As for my ex mr narc I think he suffers enough just being who he is. I’ve got no desire to see him get his pay-back, revenge etc. It must be a miserable existence constantly having to wear a mask. Melanie you have really helped me to let go of my belief and anger that he always “seems to get away with it” because I’ve learned he can never get away from himself and that must be hell.

    • Hi Becky,

      This is so wonderful that you have been able to connect the dots!

      You are naturally attarcted to narcissistic types. I can totally relate as that was a HUGE issue for me!

      Okay the reasons for that is: There are still unhealed parts within you which are a match for narcs (unhealed wounds of abuse /the dependencies not allowing you to be a full Source to yourself)…hence the attraction to ‘strong’ ‘brutal’ types – which at a deep DNA survival level you have assessed as powerful – (even though they are really powerless – not to mention USELESS as far as proviving authentic health, solidness and safety!).

      Now the probelm with this is, even if you get it conceptually – but have not done the deep inner healing work on it is – a narc posing as a much gentler sort could get under your radar (the altruistic type narcissist), or you will time and time again not feel a connection / attraction to a decent man – no matter how hard you try to – which will inevitably lead to a promising relationship never getting off the ground, or if it does a great potential relationship ending.

      ‘Life’ is ingeniously playing this out with you – because your Soul is saying ‘Becky I know you want a great relationship so much – you have stuff to clean up before you can get (and accept) what you want.’

      The truth is you will not be able to get attraction going for the right guy until you do clean up ‘abuse’ and ‘dependencies’ (old DNA Internal Programs) on the inside.

      No matter how much your mind and intellect would like to, or how much you may force yourself to…because we always follow our internal programs emotionally then mentally – no matter how hard we try not to.

      If emotional wounds / dependencies remain – these are the belief systems we default to – and round and round we go!

      It is great you are fulfilling yourself more rather than just wanting a partner to fulfil you (which never works…)

      The next step is to really nail these internal programs. Which is finding and releasing the unhealed wounds of abuse (my suggestion naturally is NARP)…then you WILL be a match and a chemical attraction towards nice and great guys!

      Then real love will flow so much more easily!

      I hope this helps :)

      Mel xo

  21. Karma: I believe the energy we put out goes around and comes right back to us. There is something about my husbands energy that atracted me to him, and there is something about my energy he needed, and was attracted to. I am separated fom my husband, and was and stil am very angry at him. But I also feel very sorry for him, I would not want to be in his shoes. I believe when you are as he is, and has continually chose himself, over and above his spouse and child, in the end that is all he will have, is himself.And that to me is very sad. You see, I believe he is not a bad person, I believe him to be a sick person, mentally.He has no compassion for the pain he inflicted on us, but, can we expect a person to feel something they are not capable off? He is a sex addict, I discovered this after 18 years of marraige. He robbed me of all those years, I offered to stick with him, if he would go get help, but, you see, in his eyes the problem appears to be more than he can handle. Although when questined about it, oh, he says, no big deal, I just will not do it anymore. There was just no winning for me. So, I separated from him. I realize now, after a year of therapy, I was attracted to the potential I saw in him. That never came to be, therefore I need to d a lot of work on me, so that I never make a choice like that again.

    • Hi Linda,

      That is very correct, narcs are attracted to what they do not have as a disconnection to their Soul – they go after ‘nice’ people – and we chose the ‘power’ we thought they had, not realising our own powerlessness within ourself chose another person with fear and powerlessness even more intense than our own.

      You are right narcs are not capable of remorse or accountability – their neuro brain wiring is hardwired into projection and deflection.

      It is too hard for narcs to dissolve their defences (ego) and take responsibility – they feel that would mean emotional annihilation.

      Because the world as it is still offers copious amounts of narcissistic supply, narcs are not forced into that corner to do it. I believe it is possible…but is never the choice when feeding the False Self is the all consuming goal.

      Your goal is healing your powerless and fearful inner parts, aligning with your own authentic power and creating YOU, then you will never make that choice again.

      Mel xo

  22. I too believe we reap what we sow….I also believe that grace trumps karma….that many times we do not get what we deserve because we are loved by a gracious God. This happens when we choose to see the truth and the truth sets us free….grace appears. I also believe many times as we act unconsciously, others show us grace because they realize we do not yet see what we are doing. The part in me that hungers to know and to be more loving and to grow, often has others acting graciously to me even in my blind spots. I am so thankful for the grace that floods my life everyday!

    • Hi Ruth,

      I couldn’t agree more.

      Grace is such a beautiful word and a beautiful energy.

      It is Soul Energy, and when we are connected to this energy, you are right there is no bad karma.

      We have forgiven ourself, forgiven others and we are at peace and with divinity. Grace does not involve fear or pain.

      Spot on – the truth sets us free – and it is infinetly full of grace – ‘grace-ful’.

      Your full dedication to grace and being this Soul energy is absolutely attracting graciousness.

      Thank you for your gorgeous share!

      Mel xo

  23. Melanie,

    I just want to thank you for your desriptive article on the NRP and Karma. It seems like I’ve been suffering for years in silence always looking outward at what I allowed my spouse to do in our relationship. I’m aware of my unhealed parts my mother died when I was 20 and my dad when I was 27. I clung to the person who I thought loved me most, the person I trusted most the person who in the end hurt me and my children most. I thought I could save him from himself from all that he was taugh by his NRP mother. Show him that he didn’t have to take advantage of others, deceive, steal and cheat people in business. But I also didn’t know how much enjoyment he received like a drug deceiving everyone including me. Thought by being the dutiful, educated mother of our four little hearts would make him appreciate me and want to be worthy of our love but he didn’t value it and now I’m left piecing my life back ogetherwe are trying to heal. Your article is powerful because it defines his unhealed parts that have caused him to behave in this manner. The parts that were damaged in childhood or parts that his soul had to relive in this life. I know in the end he’ll be alone no matter how many conquests he has. He is empty within and I loved him more than myself. I know my love must be turned inward in order to find the peace, joy and happiness I was put on this earth to have and share. I thank you, your work has truly helped me to maintain my sanity. God bless you!

    • Hi Deborah,

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased you have been able to understand what has been playing out.

      It is so true that a person who is not connected to reverence, (‘worthiness’ and ‘value’) for himself, life and others will never see the value and worthiness in you – it is impossible – regardless of what you do to try to prove it.

      The idealisation (you are THE person to finally take away the pain of my inner demons) can only ever be followed by intense devaluation.

      You realise now the KEY – total dedication to loving you – which occurs as your natural state when you work through and heal your pain, fear, old wounds (including those well before him) and emotional insecurites and dependencies.

      Hugs!

      Mel xo

  24. Hi Mel,

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading ‘Does Karma Pay Back the N’, it makes me smile to know that they live in this perpetual state>>>>>very sad…..but yay!

    Thanks Mel, This is good stuff, keep it coming. All the best, God bless.

    • Hi Brenda,

      I am glad you enjoyed the article…remember though to go to the place a narc is – wishing vengeance…that is not a Soul Truth.

      And holding the need, thought or want for it only draws it to ‘self’.

      It’s about claiming with gratitiude the gift to heal :)

      Mel xo

  25. I have thoroughly enjoyed this article. I now have a deeper respect and understanding of the power of intention behind our actions.

    I see how i have acted like a very nice person all my life but not actually felt the goodness of a `nice person’ on the inside – when all you have ever felt was huge amounts of fear and mistrust inside – how can those qualities make for a lovely person OMW. It cannot.

    Not a wonder through the NARP programme, I came to see how ugly i actually felt inside and it was this feeling in me that was creating so much ugly in my outer world. A `nice person’ truly authentically feels peaceful, joyful, at ease with themselves . My inner world was raging with fear all the time so every action came from this space.

    My understanding of Karma has reached another level here. It feels really empowering to observe life like this.

    I would actually love to see more articles on energetic law because it really helps me to understand and accept my experiences even more than I already have. It has also helped to put my anger about what has happened to me in perspective.

    I would also love more information on the issue of being a very faithful partner but attracting someone who was incredibly unfaithful. I am so grateful for this work we are part of.

    • Hi Rozanne,

      I am so pleased you got a lot out of the article..

      Oh yes, the intention – the vibration we are emotionally at is key!

      You have totally nailed how this discrepancy plays out – in a way that many people can relate to.

      When the inside and outside differ, it’s painful, and the results are incredibly painful.

      I believe it is very empowering when we peel back the matrix of life and see ‘truth’ – it grants so much solidness and pecae – as well as the rules as to ‘how to play the game of life’.

      I may be taking a wee break from the deeper energtic posts for a little while – but I promise you there will be more in the future :)

      Mel xo

  26. Thank you Mel for another great article with powerful insight in looking at ourselves with truth and honesty. As far as karma goes, I believe in “cause and effect/reap what you sow”. And I believe we all live it everyday. As far as the narc getting their due, I believe they get it daily in the pain that lives within them. However, they’ve found ways to avoid that pain and remain in denial by latching on to new energy sources. ALL of us have choices to be honest with ourselves or not and let’s face it, even we have not been honest with ourselves or we would have not gotten into or held onto relationships with these types of people. Just as the alcoholic or drug addict “medicates” the feelings and pain of self away, the narc (who could also be an addict) does the same by feeding off of others. And perhaps some of us (that have been abused by them) have by using others as our excuses not to deal with our own issues. Just as we hold the responsibility to heal our old wounds, not all of us will do it. Some of us are going to take the easy way (denial)out one more or many more times instead of going through the often long, painful, process of healing. The narc does the same by moving on to another source. This does NOTHING to change the pain, and the outcome always remains the same. Just as it will for us. So in essence, we are all equal, it’s just different ways of dealing with (avoidance) our unhealed parts. And we all are living our karma daily whatever that may be. You’re awesome and I can’t thank you enough for how much your experience has helped me to see and heal. Bless you in all you do today and everyday Melanie.

    • Hi Debby,

      you are very welcome.

      Yes narcs are in constant pain. Be very clear about this – they do not avoid their pain, they avoid WORKING ON their pain.

      When someone has constructed a False Self – they are forever in their mind / ego, rather than being connected to their Soul.

      There is a huge difference between ‘knowing’ something and ‘thinking’ it. We know the difference between ‘a knowing’ and ‘something we are trying to think in order to feel better’.

      When we ‘know’ something – we just ‘know’ it.

      Narcs don’t have this priviledge – they question everything , are paranoid about everything and are constantly living in ‘their head’. They constantly doubt themselves, life and other people incessantly.

      This is an incredibly painful way to live not knowing or trusting ‘anything’ and having to constantly try to grab some ‘thought’ (that never takes solid hold) in order to try to feel better.

      The ego is incapable of finding peace with anything – so this actually never works.

      Just when the narc thinks he or she has some thought to generate ‘peace’ the ego will dismantle it, distrust it and want YET another one – whilst of course coming up with all sorts of negative thoughts to shoot a good one down.

      The ego is the ultimate internal narcissist.

      I absolutely agree, we were in these relationships holding on as a way of avoiding the broken parts of ourself that we needed to let go and take responsibility for.

      The difference between us and narcs is twofold. We don’t have the level of disconnection from reverence (our Soul) that narcs do, and we can take the responsibility to heal if we choose…and it is a choice.
      Keep avoiding, or face our own inner pain and fear.

      Thank you for your blessings Debby, and many blessings to you too :)

      Mel xo

  27. First off, after being two months no contact from my narc sociopath, I have struggled immensely with guilt and shame for what I allowed to happen. That is why I really do appreciate your approach and your message in terms of analyzing the true cause as to why we experienced such, as well as, why we often develop a pattern with such relationships.

    In that regard, I wholeheartedly embrace your views on karma and that what happens is on a much deeper level than the surface. However, I never thought about how your internal intentions is actually what is subjecting you to the laws of the universe. Once I read it, it made sense. That is why now, I am working on finally healing my inner parts so that what I project to the outside world will coincide with my internal self.

    I feel so lost and a little broken but in time, I know that by embracing this approach and not one of victim, I am on the right path to self-discovery and spiritual growh.

    Thank you for your role in my journey and for leading the way. Without sites like this, I do not know where I would be as I have found comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this experience.

    • Hi MyTimeIsNow,

      Speaking of intentions and energy – I LOVE the name you have used!

      It is perfect and warms my heart and brings a big smile for you :)

      This is so beautiful that you realise what you need to do, and are going to commit fully to doing so :)

      You are so welcome, and a huge big warm welcome home to you and your Soul.

      Mel xo

  28. Thanks for this article Melanie. It’s the most helpful perspective on narcissist abuse that i have read yet. I knew that i was stronger than my abuser, and that he was weaker than me. I knew that he was a deeply troubled soul because of his family background and problems both within himself and with alcohol abuse. In all honesty, I feel compassion, and not anger now, but it has taken quite some time to reach this point.

    For me personally, this piece of advice from you was the most enlightening in the whole article. ‘The person /event bringing you this painful event is simply a ‘catalyst’ in life showing you what you need to heal. If they hadn’t showed up, someone in their place would have needed to’.

    There wasn’t any major trauma or difficulties in my childhood, but i certainly accept that there are issues that i am continuing to work through. Counselling is helping, but it is difficult also, because i am examining things on a much deeper level now. The added problem i have is that the intense stress and trauma from being in an abusive relationship triggered a bi-polar disorder. So, Yup!, quite a few things to work through as yet. But i am smiling again, the meds are working, and i have internally forgiven (but still have no contact with) my abuser.

    The last few years have been the most difficult and testing of my life, but for some reason, i feel that i am at the beginning of a new journey. I can’t explain it – something is happening to me on quite a spiritual level now. I feel far more energised and focussed, with ambitions to help toward a greater good. Don’t know quite what yet, but i just feel some sort of calling. When i have finished my degree, i think that this is where i may be sent.

    As for my X-Narcissist. Well, he’s in a far worse position than me. Karma did catch up with him – quickly, and in this life. But it really doesn’t make me feel any better because i know deep down it because his soul was broken in the first place.

    You have helped me so much. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart. x

    • Hi Nicola- Jane,

      that is so wonderful that your experience has become a profound spiritual journey for you, and that you are finding your way – and have been able to forgive.

      I love it when people get the’calling’ to their Soul Purpose as a result of what they have lived through….it is totally divine, and there are many amazing people who connect to missions and Oneness truly from their heart and soul…

      I feel this is definetely going to be your truth also.

      Honour this – because this is your Soul saying ‘HI!’

      You are so welcome Nicola-jane and thank you for your beautiful post and sharing.

      Mel xo

  29. Mel, you are amazing! thank you so much. I read your incredible advice/work everyday and am becoming my true self more and more. I agree with what you say about Karma as I have read about and studied it for many years. You have such a way of putting it though for those of us who have suffered as a result of not knowing/being our true selves. Your experience and healing is a blessing as you are able to explain in way that relates to narcissim and what the victim needs to understand in order to take responsibility. God bless you Mel!

  30. Loved this article on Karma..it answered so many questions for me.
    Like others I was involved with a Narc who I thought was single and was ‘sharing’ accommodation then I realised later after meeting her that they were actually an item, but she had given him permission to ‘wander’ as long as she got to meet the ladies…..initially I was shocked but because I was in love with him I accepted it. What struck me as odd was how unhealthy she was and looked. I think at the start she was quite attractive, but no longer as the pain and anger showed on her face…. She proceeded to tell me all the horrendous things he had done to her. I asked he why she allowed him to do these things and she replied that they were ‘soul mates’…. I continued to see him, but stupidly believed I could change and show him the errors of his ways…he then started to pull away and was encouraged by her to do so..but he would keep ‘touching base’ with me and ‘sucking me’ back in my telling me the things I wanted to hear… How I was so good for him etc…I realised that she was a co-dependent ( reminded me of Stockhomes syndrome). Emotionally and financially I lost a lot to both of them…they worked as a team… After finding your site (recommended to me) my eyes were opened and I commenced ‘no contact’ but they both bombarded me with txts asking me to talk to one or the other….I kept reading your blogs and remained strong… It has now been 2 months and it has been so hard as I still think about him, but now, when ever I do I call out ‘noise’ and it is working for me…. I kept asking the same questions about Karma, but then realised that they are both ‘living in it’ as they are both bankrupt emotionally, physically and financially….. Each day is getting easier thanks to your site and others stories…. Thank you so much… You are a godsend. :-) :-) xxx

    • Hi Sam,

      I am so pleased the article hit home for you, and answered some questions you had about karma..

      Stay strong and really commit to healing – so that you would never accept any of the behaviour in your life again.

      It won’t be about self-sacrifice because you ‘love someone so much’ – it will be fully about loving and honouring you and creating ‘more of that’ with the world.

      Mel xo

  31. Hello,
    I have to chime in here and say, I don’t believe in god or karma. I think these concepts are our minds way of trying to make sense out of abusive people, and bad things that happen. I think there are narcissists who live their whole lives happy, warm, safe as the rest of us. There are also narcissists who die because they mess with the wrong person, or they have a stroke of bad luck. Think of the numerous child molesters that aren’t caught until they have had hundreds of victims. This is largely because we still live in a society that allows narcissists, psychopaths and pedophiles to remain undetected, because they disbelieve victims.
    I think there are people who are abused in their childhoods that pick wonderful husbands, and are never abused again without any therapeutic intervention at all. There are also people who are struck by narcissists that have no abuse in their backgrounds. I think, scientifically speaking, there is much more “luck” involved than we as humans like to think there is.
    If scientific studies were to be done on this, there probably would be a high incidence of recurrance of abuse for people with abusive backgrounds, but there would also be plenty who had no abuse and were struck by narcissists and psychopaths all the same. Narcissists take their supply wherever they can get it.
    Sometimes I see both religion and the concept of law of attraction as “blaming the victim.” “There must have been something wrong with you that you attracted this”. Meh, I don’t believe that.
    I think narcissists are attracted to empathic, kind, innocent people, too. I think if , through abuse, you were taught not to protect yourself one might be more susceptible. Lets face it though, women are more often targets because we are ALL taught not to fight back, to be submissive, to feed the male ego. One does not have to come from abuse for this to happen.
    My overall point is that the karma principle is true sometimes, and sometimes not. Just as god helps some people, and some not. Karma on a narcissist would be lost, as they simply don’t understand life in the way that others do. How can a person who has no feelings care if someone hates them? They don’t feel retribution or punishment. They dont feel. They get angry when their toys are taken away, though.
    Regardless, however if karma and law of attraction are true or not, the healing process is a MUST. The tapes and meditations you created are VERY helpful. Once the abuse has happened, it doesn’t matter how or why or what will happen to the narcissist, it really only maters that we heal and can move on with our lives, since we are lucky enough to still have our lives!

    • Hi Sarina,

      after doing work with narcs, living with narcs, and experiencing clients tales re narcs (which are all incredibly almost identical) – I find it very hard to accept that ‘happy, warm, safe’ people take incensed umbrage at the slightest comment (that a healthy adult would not even flinch at), erupt over something that got settled and was finished with months ago (according to the narc at the time), or have a terminal issue with ‘just being happy’ without hitting sabotage buttons.

      I also find it very hard to accept that warm, safe and happy people can fly into paranoid outbursts (False Self not getting its entitled unexpressed demands) that contain pathological and maliscious ‘pay-back’ tactics rather than just be a normal adult and discuss matters sensibly and with integrity.

      If you were a safe, warm and happy person why on earth would you bother with such drama and behaviour?

      Safe, warm and happy people ARE safe, warm and happy people – and they behave as such.

      I have to say there is not one person I have worked with in abuse recovery – and there have been thousands – that did not have a definitive reason from their backgrounds.

      After all it was ONLY a very lucky individual who WAS brought up by their role models as a solid Source to themself – for the greater majority of people that wasn’t the case.

      Hence the manifestation of narcissists (the ones that usually experienced the most neglect and abuse) and co-dependents in droves.

      Truly it is most victims who do feel ‘blamed’ – and there is a big difference between seeing self-development as ‘blaming’, or as ‘taking responsibility’…emormous.

      The first is disempowering and the later incredibly relieving and liberating.

      It is great that you are healing and have recognised how important that is!

      Mel xo

  32. I`d like to add that it was interesting for me that although I did not grow up with abuse in an obvious way, the aspects of my abusive marriage involving the isolation and intense control and my partner needing me to be a bandaid for his childhood wounds were exactly the aspects I grew up with. Exactly the same. I looked deeper and saw that substance abuse was rife in my extended family. I looked deeper and saw how similar all our energy in the wider family was – one of intense fear, control and hectic drama. So even though my parental home was not abusive, the energy of control, isolation, fear, drama played out for me way back as a child and kept repeating itself in my marriage, just in a more obvious shocking way. I personally know of someone who grew up with abuse as a child, married a very calm, peaceful husband but he is very emotionally detached from her. I know she feels really lonely and empty inside. I see her filling herself up with loads of outer things all the time. She has not come home to herself at all even though she is not experiencing abuse in her marriage. She is not experiencing joy like a lot of us who have worked through our experiences. I believe that if I look at life as some experiencing luck and others not, I will definitely open myself up to anger, self pity and blaming others and I would never have felt the empowerment I do for having really taken full responsibility for how I have repeated the same patterns in my life. And yes it does only now matter that we put all our focus on ourselves and heal beautifully

    • Hi Rozanne,

      This is so true – ‘abuse’ does not have to be obvious as a ‘reason’.

      If we were not brought up to become a solid source to ourself – we were always in inner anxiety and looking to the outside for love and approval…that is the only recipe necessary to be caught up in the illusion of the narc ‘being the provider of yourself’.

      Definetely your childhood correlations are very accurate.

      Thank you for sharing :)

      Mel xo

    • Rozanne, Your friend is being abused. Neglect is a form of abuse. I was in that place for 20 years with an N. He could have cared less about what I did as long as I didn’t bother him, that was until I actually developed a hobby and life that I enjoyed and brought attention to me, then it became a threat to him and a source of competition. He did all to isolate me and force me to give up my hobby through constant pressure, which I eventually did to keep the peace but I resented him for it.

      I was in denial in the beginning of the relationship. I blamed myself for being unlovable or uninteresting as to why he neglected me.

  33. Hi Mel, I was reading Gary Zukav’s book The Seat of the Soul, and he writes: “A personality that is conscious of its splinteredness, and struggles consciously to become whole, does not need to create negative karma in order to evolve, in order to create responsibility, in order to acquire authentic power.” So unlike the narc, when we align with the truth of our soul, instead of the wants of our personality, we can evolve without creating negative karma. When I was with my ex narc, I had crazy amounts of very bad karma constantly and it seemed like more than bad luck. These days it has all gone away, and I have experienced good karma which improves as time goes on, and work on self of course. XXJane

    • Hi Jane,

      I totally agree with Gary’s thought, and again it comes back to ‘intention’.

      If an individual’s intention it to heal wounded parts so that you can become more of their loving authentic parts (Soul energy) then rather then meet the painful results of disowned, rejected, projected inner parts ‘life’ will grant the graciousness of assisting these unhealed parts to heal when they show up – via people, situations etc.

      The person on the path to personal development and self-realisation who may ‘slip’ and release unhealed parts is likely to take responsibility and apply reverence, and be very aware when something didn’t feel ‘good or authentic’ rather than just continue to scaegoat, blame and not take responsibility.

      If our mission is to become free of pain and fear and self-manage and self-heal then ‘all of life’ supports this growth lovingly – rather than having to deliver ‘hard kicks’ to get an individual’s attention.

      Taking responsibility (as always) is the total key.

      It all comes back to desiring deeply to “Know Thy Self”…

      Thank you for your post Jane as this is a very good point to understand – that we don’t need to be ‘perfect’ straight away to avoid negative karma – we simply need to be committed to the right intention.

      Mel xo

  34. Hi Jane, I am very interested in reading this book by Gary Zukav’s, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this thread.

    I also find it interesting what you wrote about having crazy amounts of bad karma when you were with your ex narc. My life too was very chaotic and what seemed like always having ‘bad luck’ (or ‘ bad karma’) when in the relationship. Business was always bad, family members always in trouble, vacations ruined etc. I think a part of this could also be we are so enmeshed in the narc’s chaotic life we also take it on and our life becomes just as chaotic. The chaos continued for him for a year after I got out of the relationship, but I was unaware he was a narc or that I was abused and had not healed any of the pain and was still very attached so I keep attracting ‘bad’ situations. Now that I am healing, my life is definitely

  35. Hi Jane, I am very interested in reading this book by Gary Zukav’s, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this thread.

    I also find it interesting what you wrote about having crazy amounts of bad karma when you were with your ex narc. My life too was very chaotic and what seemed like always having ‘bad luck’ (or ‘ bad karma’) when in the relationship. Business was always bad, family members always in trouble, vacations ruined etc. I think a part of this could also be we are so enmeshed in the narc’s chaotic life we also take it on and our life becomes just as chaotic. The chaos continued for him for a year after I got out of the relationship, but I was unaware he was a narc or that I was abused and had not healed any of the pain and was still very attached so I keep attracting ‘bad’ situations. Now that I am healing, my life is definitely more at peace and things are starting to work out very effortlessly

    • HI GA,

      you will love the book – and ‘Spiritual Partnership’ by Gary is fantastic also – if you haven’t already read it!

      Very true narcs lives are filled with chaos, running of on grandoise ideas half-cocked, things in their life not attended to, pressure, stress….all sorts of loose ends and ‘gaps’ that keep generating problems.

      Narcs need to manifest drama to keep themselves stimulated and in ‘constant battle’ to avoid their inner unhealed wounds.

      They also get the temporary high of ‘look at how capable I am’ as a result of barely escaping another self-created disaster in the nick of time.

      Narcs are deeply unconsciously masochistic – they attract ‘punishment’ to themselves frenetically. ‘Walking on the edge’ provides this.

      Our lives also start deteriorating, and any part of our life connected with the narc is also under jeopardy – as well as our capacity to relate healthily to life, without creating more karmic fallout!

      It’s not fun!

      It is such a relief when we completely disconnect and can have a peaceful, solid life without the ‘weirdness’ and ‘drama’ that real life does not have to be about.

      I am so pleased that you are experiencing the alignment and experiences with healthy and sane living now.

      It is an enormous difference :)

      Mel xo

      • Wow, thanks for your thoughts Melanie, that is so true! There was always some kind of ‘drama’ happening in my ex narc’s life. I never thought about it until now, crazy! He came from a very privileged background, his family did anything for him, yet there was always a problem he had to deal with. He would often tell me I was the only good thing in his life because everything else was so terrible. I remember always thinking in my head, “your life is not that bad, how is this such a big deal?” Makes sense it’s part of the disorder now. There was always a crisis at work that required his ‘full attention’ so he would ignore me (that was the excuse) and yet the crisis was always averted last minute, until the next thing came up. I paid for him to fly to Israel to meet my family (a big deal for me), but the whole time he was too preoccupied with work and told me it was the worst time for him to go because there was a crisis at work and did not appreciate the trip at all. The week he broke up with me he couldn’t even talk to me because he was ‘too concerned’ with his brother being wanted by the police (which was something that was not new, his brother is a sociopath and always in trouble with the law). I remember thinking, “your brother is always in trouble, you are about to lose your girlfriend and all of sudden your brother’s problems are more important.” Now it makes sense he was avoiding dealing with his unhealed parts that were coming to light because his relationship was ending. Incredible, I find it so fascinating how people operate so differently in life. And it’s also amazing how at the time you just think it’s circumstantial and then later you realize it’s part of the personality. I truly believed all those ‘crisis’ moments were just bad luck or bad timing, now I realize it was all being created. Absolutely incredible realization. Thanks Melanie.

  36. I can not stop feeling freaked out at the timing and of your subjects in these articles, Melanie surely you are way psychically connected to the pain of your clients. It is amazing. Thank you for putting this together it made me feel so much better and answered so many questions floating around in my head and psyche. From having been involved in a narcissitic relationship for 25 years. I am ashamed ( I know I should not say that or feel that) but I want to convey that there is a negative feeling in the fact that it took me so long to realize and release the narc. And in fact he left not me. But I had started to energetically disconnect 2 years before he finally left with another woman.
    So thanks again Melanie. Love Karyl

    • Hi Karyl,

      I love synchroniscity too! I beleive there is so much Oneness within this community – we are all connected to each other as well as Universal Consciousness – which is totally ‘on song’ :)

      Be very aware it is so important to not judge your feelings intellectually. Belief systems are not logical – and the origins of that particular belief system (painful deep emotion) existed for you way before the narc showed up in your life.

      It’s origins were deeper.

      YES you should say this! TOTALLY! Because it is only through fully claiming and embracing a wound – without judgement – that you will have the ability to heal it.

      Because the narcissistic abuse experience has brought it forth for you – you now have the ability to heal this painful belief, as well as many others.

      It is wonderful that the relationship is over, and now your mission is to make your healing all about you.

      Then your true liberation begins.

      Hugs :)

      Mel xo

  37. Hi Mel-
    Great article. This subject doesn’t seem as far off as you seem to think it is from the usual stuff you write about…or maybe I’m just thinking about NARP.

    I love how you point out that karma isn’t “punishment” per say and there isn’t some big bad disciplinarian out there making sure justice is served.

    I came to the understanding of karma being simple cause and effect some time ago. That’s not to say that justice isn’t at times served, but it’s not the thing we should be depending on to recover, heal and overcome our crap.

    Besides, it’s not like I’m perfect. I’ve had some not so proud moments. But I realize the difference in me and a narcissist is that I can look at my act of non-love and go, “Oh man, I was being a real #@$% and either apologize if appropriate and realize I screwed up and be aware, catch myself if there’s a next time and act or react more lovingly and/or appropriately.

    If karma was following everyone to punish them every time they messed up, I think we’d see a lot of people falling on their faces from being tripped by a big invisible foot. :) Or maybe there’d be a big room in the sky that everyone would get sent to. Lol;) We need the chance at our own insight so we can correct it authentically and genuinely learn from it.

    Again awesome article and it is definitely helpful in dealing with that narcissistic inflicted pain.

    • Hi Luann,

      You are right – this article really is about the deeper Soul truths that my healing philosophy is based on :)

      Thank you for that message :)

      It is absolutely true that ‘needing’ justice to be served to the narc – and not being able to get on with our life (take responsibility) for our part – is firmly NOT the answer.

      What you are describing is one of the most fundamental and obvious differences between a non-narc and a narc.

      Firstly the kind of atrocious acts. Narcs are capable of unthinkeable acts – that certainly are not just ‘not so proud moments’, and then secondly they do not have the ability to think ‘Jeepers I just created horrific damage, and need to be accountable for what I just did’.

      Preserving the False Self and never admitting fault is so much more important.

      It’s actually not personal – as the narcissist’s ingrained neuro brain pathways are hardwired to escape taking responsibility at all costs.

      Narcissists view their bad deeds as ‘something outside of themself’ – they truly are ‘split’ so it is like an out of body experience to them – and they cannot connect to ‘I actually did that and am responsible for it’.

      Regardless of how many times and how many ways people try to force that awareness upon them.

      It is only in times of severe narcissitic injury when their False Self crumbles (major painful life event) that they can, but as soon as the narcissist’s False Self reinstates (sooner rather than later) – then it’s back to ‘someone else’s fault’.

      It is as if the humble and genuine accountability and remorse never existed.

      Non-narcs don’t have that distorted brain-wiring – and also realise there is no upside in destroying people and situations in order to ‘make a point’ and remain ‘right’ at ALL costs.

      So if they do overstep the mark, appropriate repair and humility is a natural part of human operation.

      Every human being is capable of ‘getting it wrong’ – the real criteria is do they possess and apply humility and reverence?

      If they do, they are incredibly likely to learn through ‘stuffing up’ and not keep repeating the same mistakes.

      Without humility and reverence a person is not just likely to commit the same misdemeanours – it is in fact INEVITABLE – because there is NO possibility of them attending to their unhealed wounds that are the actual REASON for their behaviour.

      This is 100% the category narcissists fall into.

      I agree that karma is actually loving – it supplies vital feedback to everyone in order to heal unhealed parts (which is the only way to have an authentic and fulfilled life)…which is what everyone without exception seeks – whether they know this or not :)

      Karma gets healvier and heavier if we refuse to get the message.

      In these times of accelerated consciousness, karma is saying lovingly – “I need to get this message through to you to SAVE you from this painful experience (which is going to get worse for you), and if you don’t get this message I’m going to have to make it MORE obvious until you do!”

      I’m glad you got a lot from the article Luann!

      Mel xo

  38. I always confused standing up for myself as having to defend myself. And also self love isn’t the same as self indulgence. As I look within myself I discover these misperceptions that I act upon unconsciously. But as I see it I can heal (which is accept and release it to me). I was raised by a narc and even though I have healed a great deal from that circumstance and though I was done with having narcs in my life, two in a row came into my life to heal those parts I had not yet discovered within. The journey is sometimes painful but I am greatful for them showing me those parts. I don’t think I could have found them any other way. Thank you, Melanie, so much for your work and help. You are always spot on. The information is good and as you tell us, we still have to go within to see our own misperceptions. If I can add, a good book and actual “process” for inner discovery is by Michael Brown called The Presence Process. His book Alchemy of the Heart is good too.

    • Hi Sara.

      I think many, many people who have struggled with boundaries have had the identical quandry.

      It is wonderful that you know it is totally possible to heal yourself within and release yourself from the painful patterns.

      Lovely that you are taking the gift and you are grateful for it – this is so instrumental to authentic healing :)

      Thank you so much for the recommendation – more books for my book orders – Yay! I will check these books out for sure :)

      Mel xo

  39. Mel, you were the first person in my entire life that explained the addiction to
    “right & wrong” is a form of self-abuse and a guarantee to continue living in a pain-body. It is almost impossible to hear that the narcissist is performing a very hard job on earth to bring souls to enlightenment through cruelty & abuse…. by practicing non-judgement of the Narcissist’s path and knowing (thank you Mel) the gift I have been given by the N. is the life or death necessity to live through the Divine soul’s power alone. Karma is just energy and I agree it isn’t good or bad… another gift of the N. is to show us how Karma is really instantaneous … we and they are living proof of it. To be able to love all Narcissists from afar…. but in a totally different way AND FOR A COMPLETELY NEW JOY FILLED REASON… it’s a whole new outlook on life and I’m loving myself for the first time because of non-judgement and gratitude for the N. I no longer wish any punnishment for myself and cannot mentally sic “karma” on them …..intent… watch’in my intent.. thank you Mel and everyone for healing me and helping me. xxxooo Donna Lorraine

  40. Hi Donna,

    That is so true – judgement is incredibly self-defeating and painful.

    If we are judgmental and ‘black and white’ – we are always coming from a place of intense self-judgement – and are a long way from accepting and healing inner wounds.

    It is a process of blaming life and others for what we feel on the ‘inside’.

    From judgement comes unhealthy expectations, and the righteous statements of trying to force people and things to be a certain way to grant ‘more of me’. It is totally about external power seeking and can only energise the ego (pain body).

    And of course the condemnation of people and situations follows when they don’t ‘give me more of me’.

    Simulateously intense self-judgement ensues, which is always the case of the ego attacking self when unhealed wounds are unattended to.

    This is actually the REAL issue, but whilst remaining in the energy of ‘judgement’ – it is inevitably assigned to ‘the outside’.

    ‘Black and white’ judgemental thinking is a model that all narcissists adopt without exception. Things are ‘right’ if the False Self is being fed, and are ‘wrong’ when the False Self isn’t being appeased.

    And simulataneously they are their own worst enemies with horrific self-rejection, self-judgment and self-hatred.

    Co-dedendents are very capable of this as well – its just they don’l lash out and ‘take it out’ on others as narcs do (without any reverence.)

    When we start committing to creating Soul energy, judgement falls away and is replaced with “I am responsible for this person / event in my life. Does this or does this not serve me, and what is it about myself that I can claim and heal to create more of ‘what does serve me’, and ‘less of what I don’t wish to experience’?

    Releasing judgement means we can self-reflect – know all of it was / is in perfect and divine order, and no longer need to keep unconsciously experiencing more of our own unhealed inner parts showing up via the situations and people we judge as ‘wrong’.

    I am so pleased you are working with this :)

    That is so gorgeous you have adopted the higher view (the truth sets us free) and are experiencing the joy and liberation of your Soul energy.

    This lets you know you are TOTALLY on the right track :)

    Mel xo

  41. Thank you Mel, this whole experience has been about my willingness to be worthy to
    R E C E I V E… the intense emotional “love” connection and subsequent psychic pain created by the N. opened a conduit to the origin of my inner beliefs… I could see my inner child, hear my father and mother screaming & fighting, a child of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… I can even see my toys and remember my decision to not ask for love or money…receiving either I decided was pure pain. Mel, quantum shifting has returned my birthright, the eternal infinite me to myself. I am so very grateful to you..for a tiny woman you sure help lift big rocks!!! xxxxooo Love and more love Donna

    • Hi Donna,

      you are so gorgeous, and you are totally welcome divine lady!

      Yes darling you have returned to your birthright – your True Soul Energy :) The pure receiving and giving in win / win ways and co-creating reverently and joyfully with life!

      LOL! I am so happy I have now been able to throw the rocks off – of living painful human illusions, rather than continue living them – which felt like wanting to crawl under a big rock to die!!

      What an immense relief, and thank goodness for narc experiences in order to get here! It never would have happened for me without those experiences.

      Honey my heart and Soul is singing with love and joy in unison with your heart and Soul :)

      How blessed are we to experience authentic Oneness?

      Oodles of love back.

      Mel xo

  42. Hello Melanie. This article is indeed informative. For me , the part where I should come to realize my ecounter with the narcissist was bound to happen and should be greatful I’ve finally gone through it. Acceptance is the key. As for Karma. I suppose that’s exactly what has happened to me.. I’ve not been a saint all my life . that is for sure.. I wish no ill on anyone , even the narcissist. thanks Melanie, much love to you . Peace

  43. Thank you for this article Melanie. A different perspective, but very insightful and helpful. I especially enjoyed your thoughts regarding how “unseen energy” creates the truth/consequences in our lives. I can see how this manifested in my previous relationship. I remember thinking to myself on many occasions over our time together thoughts like, “I must end this relationship,” “this is totally unreasonable/unhealthy behavior,” “this is not a truly healthy love relationship,” etc…I continued to stay however…always making excuses for her behavior and words towards me. I didn’t completely ignore these signs though – I brought up my feelings and concerns many, many times – always to be shut down or told that I “made her say those things or act that way.” Eventually, I realized that the situation was never going to improve and made a decision to end our engagement. It’s been a year and a half since then, and frankly I’m embarrassed (and a bit concerned for myself, truth be told) to say that I don’t feel like I’ve fully healed from this experience. Despite a lot of therapy and self-analysis, I still often find it difficult to forgive myself and get past the feelings of guilt and/or remorse about ending my engagement. I think it was her suddenly doing an about face and crying and begging me not to send her away, that left me with such a guilty conscience…to the point of still feeling feelings of anger, sadness, and even self-loathing…Hard for me to understand as logically, and given the overwhelming evidence in addition to the support I’ve received, I know I made the right decision, why I can’t reconcile my head and heart. This has been the most confusing, soul-splitting experience of my life. I still try to understand what my lesson and growth is in all of this, when I left what I felt was an unhealthy relationship in which I knew I deserved better – yet still feel so heartbroken.

    Anyway, thank you so much for your site and writings; it has been so very helpful and healing for me to come here and read something that makes me feel a bit better every day.

    Love Tony

    • Hi Tony,

      you are very welcome.

      That is very true that when we are acting against our ‘gut’ and what our intuition is telling us – that we do indeed ‘pay a price’ – and we discover that the results end up as what our intuition was telling us (or screaming at us) all along.

      Tony, the fact that you are still hurting means that you still have unhealed parts of you that are ‘hurting’ to get your attention.

      My belief is many contemporary therapies do not go deep enough – they really don’t get to the core of it.

      Don’t be embarassed, it is certainly normal after a narcissistic relationship to have a great deal of inner pain that requires resolution.

      The healing and relief is not ‘logical’ – inner wounds are not ‘logical’, and this is why they can’t often be healed at a logical level.

      My suggestion for you would be take your healing to a deeper level -this is where energetic healing that works directly on your ‘inner’, on your subconscious does have a much greater success rate.

      Do check out NARP – many men are on the Program and achieveing very good breakthrough results.

      Mel xo

  44. Hi Mel, it has been enlightening reading these posts and thank you to GA for your comments on mine. I was thinking about the “crazy bad karma” comment I made and then noticed you mentioned things going wrong for you like ruined vacations etc when involved with your ex narc. It made me realise that these sorts of things happened to me all the time and I had forgotten them because there were way worse events that really stand out in my mind and I had forgotten the run of the mill bad karma that went on all the time. Wow I am realising that living like that was stressful on a constant basis. Thank you for the insight. Also Mel thank you for your comments, they help so much, really reflecting on the fact the narc constantly attracts situations to punish themselves. My ex narc once said he was ” a punisher”. Harrowing. xxxJane

  45. Mel, Your article again hits very close to home and is spot-on with my own questions about my narc-ex and my feelings re: karma.

    “Whatever we feel (believe deeply) about any topic is what life grants us.
    There are only two ways to feel (believe) about anything in our life regardless of what presents:
    From a position of authentic power (self-solidness / peace / truth / love)
    or…
    from a position of seeking external power (emptiness/ pain / illusions / fear )

    This part is essential to understand. Our words, and actions (our surface behaviour) may be completely different from what we are really feeling / believing about an interaction or event in our life.”

    This fits with the feelings and thoughts I had when I recvd a hooking email from my narc-ex last Xmas eve, wherein I thought I wont be affected by it and that I have healed all I could and that I have moved on. But his email brought a lot of charges as it was exactly what I always wanted him to say to me – but it was also not what I wanted him to say: it was a non-apology apology where he said sorry and even used the word “accountable” (what ive always wanted him to be) and that `he must be accountable’ but he still never did since he explained the reason for him apologizing was that his first born son died 6 minutes after being born — his email mostly described teh details of this as the reason which prompted his apology but there was no description or detail or reason of what he was apologizing for.

    Also, his email reeked of fear!!! I never thought he could feel fear because he was very arrogant and manipulative when I was with him.

    That instant when I read the email, I couldnt help but think it is karma but a part of me felt it was self-sabotage.

    I felt he had this uncanny ability to be toxic and spread toxicity and the reason I didnt want to marry him then was I felt that I literally was going to die – he may not physically kill me but I had the sense hed have a hand in it — and I didnt want to have kids with him because I felt he was going to do something icky to them. Also when I was still with him, I had very low blood count. I was constantly tired, my breathing was constricted – essentially I was in very poor health. And I felt that if I continued a relationship with him, id die, and if I did, he was still going to use me or my death as another way to elicit sympathy from others – the same way he used and has been using his perceived family / personal tragedies early on in our relationship to get me to like him or take care of him. It was only when I detached that I realized his PATTERN of putting all those tragedies as a badge for his identity.

    IN his email, I was actually about to feel sorry for him until I read something he wrote that was just downright chilling —
    when he described in his email his own reaction to his OWN son’s death — It was as if he was writing a dramatic novel!!!! where he said his “cry was a wail that reached the heavens” and that `tears (were) still falling from his eyes” as he wrote that letter.
    how could someone feel nothing from the inside!!!

    receiving that letter made me realize that I was still holding onto the possibility that he would change if something like a major event that is emotionally challeging happens — but his OWN email confirmed that HE CANT EVEN FEEL his OWN SON’S death!!! and that he is again using a very personal tragedy as a tool to elicit sympathy – or a reaction.

    After his email, I then received a forwarded text message from him on NEW YEARS EVE!!! which he coursed through – out of all people – my life insurance agent . It was him saying “hi” and it felt so WEEEEIRRD!!! I couldnt comprehend what was going on in his life that it seems he’s scraping the bottom of the barrel for something —- I did not reply in any way manner or form.

    But I was affected by all of it, I had to heal ALL the charges that came up after receiving these hooks!!! And again I SAW TONS of unhealed areas and parts of my life I thought I was done and over with but werent.

    I feel and think that he could have EVERYTHING in teh world that he wants but he would always find a way to sabotage it for the sake of just sabotaging it – it doesnt make ANY SENSE!!!! but I dontthink anything narcs do make any sense!!! its just incomprehensble — no one deserves to think this incomprehensibility through but simply surrender it to the UNiverse because its just crazy.
    He’s making his own karma by self sabotaging all the good things that are in his life.

    • Hi Jennifer, I think what you say is so true about how narcs may not have a physical hand in your death, but they do contribute to it in some way. The more emotional pain we endure eventually our physical body will manifest it. I have experienced this first hand. When I was in my narc relationship I gained 35 lbs in one year (he often made fun of my weight so it got progressively worst and no matter what diet I went on I couldn’t lose it), I was always ‘depressed’, low energy and my hair started falling out. My ex narc and I went to see an acupuncturist together because he was having back problems and while we were in the room I asked the acupuncturist if she could help me with my weight gain. I went to see her alone the following week and instead of addressing the weight issue she sat me down and asked, “are you happy in your relationship?” – she had sensed something between my ex-narc and I when we went to see her the week before. She told me she thought that may be a huge factor in the symptoms I was having. I was so hooked at the time I brushed it off and told her my relationship was fine.

      As soon as my we broke up, I lost the weight within 6 months and I did not change anything about my routine, diet or habits. Someone once told me that when you are truly happy within yourself you never have to worry about your weight because your body will naturally go to it’s natural state.

      After my break-up, I was unaware my ex was a narcissist nor was I aware I was abused. My anxiety got progressively worst (which I know understand was complex post traumatic stress) and because I was not addressing any of the emotional pain (because I had no idea what happened to me) eventually my knees and joints started swelling up to the point I couldn’t walk or move. I was bed ridden for months. The doctors thought I may have rheumatoid arthritis – a long term condition- but my instincts told me it wasn’t, I knew it was emotional. I finally discovered that my ex was a narcissist and that I was abused and suffering from PTSD. That’s when I found Melanie’s website and started working with her and doing the program. Within 2 months, my body was healed and I was able to walk again. I was releasing all that emotional pain. My doctors couldn’t believe it and when I went for a check up they said, “whatever you’re doing, keep doing it”

      So yes, I do think that being in an abusive relationship will cause your death (even if it’s not physical abuse). Everything is connected. I was only with my ex-narc for 3 years and my physical body became that severe, I can only imagine how much worst it would have gotten if I stayed. Be grateful every day you’re out of this relationship because it literally saved your life.

      • Hi GA, exactly!!! that was how I felt too! I was overweight, my knees hurt, my back hurt, my shoulders hurt, I had TMJ, I broke out in hives, etc. And all these disappeared when I went through Mel’s QFH and also cried my heart out — I literally felt the left part of my body feel light. Now I am in my healthy weight, I DO NOT feel fatigued, I feel very very energized, I can do deep, deep, deep, deep breaths!! — something I was unable to do when I was in a relationship with my narc-ex.

        It is HEALING to be free from pain, abuse and to be centered in LOVE, TRUTH, JOY!!!

    • Hi Jennifer,

      Yes an apology from a narcissistdoes not fit the criteria of a sincere apology.

      It can be ‘I’m sorry’ usually contains a ‘but’ – which will be a projection / excuse / deflection and / or no acknowledgement of what they are actually sorry for.

      A genuine sorry with remorse and humility feels like a genuine apology – our gut will always tell us what is real – and what isn’t – if we listen to it.

      A genuine apology is never one that you have to push for to receive clarification about – it is unmistakeable – and it doesn’t feel ‘off’ or ‘incomplete’.

      And of course words can be cheap – it is the real life action which is always the real truth.

      It was great you recognised that the charges which came up for you were unhealed parts that you needed to get to.

      It can be very common to think that we are healed and then realise there is ‘more to go’.

      Wonderful that you got on to those – because then truly you are released to an even more authentic and empowered level of your truth.

      And all of this I feel so intuitively for you is clearing the space for the right man to come into your life :)

      You have passed the test, of not hooking in – healing more, and setting yourself even more free.

      Well done Jennifer! :)

      Mel xo

      • “And all of this I feel so intuitively for you is clearing the space for the right man to come into your life.”

        Oh my God Mel, this got me excited. I felt my back tingle.

        =)

        Thank you!!!

  46. Hi Mel,
    In a response to someone’s reply you said something in the lines of “getting away from the Narc because he would not change in this lifetime.” Can you explain further what you mean by that and how to know he won’t change. If it’s true, he (or she) will eventually be left with no one or no where else to turn except inward, would there not be the possibilty of change at that point? I read in Ekhart Tolles’ book, that men and woman both have the opporunity and the power to change and become conscious but woman are much closer due to the fact thay live more “in their bodies” and men live primarily “in their heads” and have stronger egoic patterns. Thanks in advance for any light you can shed on this for me. I’m no contact with ex narc for about a month now and doing much better. I work at the same company and run in to him from time to time and I’m finally able to pass by without getting caught up in emotion. On Valentines day there was a chocolate heart sitting at my desk when I arrived and I’m assuming, (not possitive though) that it was left by him in hopes I would call. I didn’t and in the past I would have felt guilty but that didn’t happen this time. Yay! progress. We’ve been on and off for 8 years and I’m exhausted and ready to make my own changes. If I’m completely honest with myself though, there is still a tiny part of me that hopes, for his sake if nothing eles, that he can change. It still makes me sad to know he suffers. Thanks in advance for your response to the above question, and for everything I have learned from your site.

    • Hi Tammy,

      Truly in regards to narcs – the evidence is overwhelming that they don’t change.

      I don’t know how many countless clients I have had who thought he / she was changing / could change / has changed – and it wasn’t the case.

      Each and every time…

      I also played out this dynamic with narcs – totally believing the ‘change’ was genuine only to discover it certainly wasn’t.

      The unhealed parts of the narcissist are profound damage – this is what causes the pathological / irreverent behaviour.

      These are not ‘small’ issues.

      It would only take intense (and I believe energetic therapy) with the narcissist being fully committed to letting go of the need of the drug (supplying the False Self with energy), and to admit (fully) that they are broken, imperfect and damaged (full humility) to get well.

      The fear of being ‘imperfect’ and letting go of the image of a False Self for a narcissist is terrifying.

      Being ‘no-body / not good enough / non-special / unique / privilidged’ feels like emotional annihilation to them.

      It is like – ‘If the world sees me as ‘imperfect’ I am doomed’.

      When we understand the dynamics of narcissists the possibility of this happening would mean that the narcissist would have to surrender everything they think they are, all of their previously constructed identity and all of their views on how to operate in life in order to survive (one-upping – it’s me against ‘life’ – I can’t trust Oneness or surrender to it)

      Very true what Ekhart Tolle states. Women are more likely to do self-ownership and humility (surrender their ego defence mechanisms) There also are men very willing to do that too – I have met many on NARP and as personal clients.

      In fact in this period of raising consciousness more and more men are laying down their egos (realising it causes them too much pain). These are the ones who truly do wish the freedom, love and joy of establishing authentic power.

      All one has to do is confront a narc with taking personal responsbility in regard to owning and healing his or her unhealed wounds – and the three ring circus begins. (As anyone who has experienced a narc will testify to).

      The defence mechanisms all narcissists display are virtually if not identical.

      The inner wounds of the narcissist are so deep, so disowned and so covered up by the mask (the False Self) that the narcissist’s brain is automatically geared to deflect, scapegoat and / or attack in order to defend the False Self (which the narcissist firmly believes is necessary for his or her survival).

      It is wonderful that you are having progress, and truly if you go deeper with your inner work and healing – you will know that what you ‘loved’ and ‘hoped for’ was a mirage…and represents what you need to heal within you so that you can become your true Source to self.

      Then there will be no more ‘hoping’ – you will be released into clarity, truth and freedom.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  47. Thanks Mel. What you said already brings me clarity, even when it’s hard to hear. They certainly have the potential to change even though most likely they will hold on to the False Self and never move forward. The part I need to get is this shouldn’t matter to me either way. My path is mine regardless of the path of the narc. I see the deep held belief that I still hold that says you need to stick by someone in troubled times. Definately the scinerio played out in my parents relationship. It’s tough when that’s all you know. Good to know where I still have work to do. I’m grateful for the lessons before me. For me it means opportunity. Thanks for your loving words. I appreciate you a lot Melanie. xo Tammy

  48. tanya on February 18, 2013 at 11:59 am said:
    Reply

    Hi Mel,

    You have described almost perfectly my ex N whom I split with 8 months ago. So gorgeous but at times so cruel.
    I have been doing really well in healing myself despite missing him terribly
    ( why???) until recently when we had contact for about 2 months by text/email. Then,after that time, he informed me that he had met someone else( 4 weeks ago)& that “he & F…. were getting on really well” & “he was so sad at how things might pan out”. So he felt it best to not resume our friendship at this stage out of respect for F…. (after he had initiated contact of course)but “you are such a beautiful friend and will always have a special place in my heart. I’m here if you need me.”.
    I know that I must go back to strict “no contact” as this has all set me back months & I suspect he will feel the need to tell me if he gets engaged/married/breaks up etc.

    My question is 1) Is it best to send a letter or email to tell him ” I want no more contact forever & I will not read or respond to any communication” or 2) Just try & forget he exists (hard when still grieving)and ignore any future contact from him. My gut feeling is that if I don’t do 1) then I’ll always be waiting,knowing he’s likely to be in touch eventually even if it’s just to make sure I’m still here.
    I’d like to know your thoughts.
    Thanks!

    • Hi Tanya,

      You poor thing, it is understandable that this has set you back.

      This AN likes to keep exes on a string, truly it is fodder for his ego.

      Ok what you need to do is do not contact him regardless.

      Block him, on you phone, and on your emails, so that you do not let him get an opportunity to stick the knife in, hoping you will try to see him, get back together with him, or pine for him….this is what he is up to.

      Then sweetie, knowing he can’t contact you, you can get really seriously and solidly into your self-healing and put him behind you for good.

      What he just did, is all a part of the cruel horrible human being posing as ‘mr nice guy’…remove yourself from any possibility of him doing that to you again.

      You are so much better than accepting that.

      I hope this helps…be strong, and do what you need to do to heal.

      I promise you that you can and will, and never again will you accept someone so ‘lovely’ who has the ability to be so maliscious and cruel.

      That is not a decent human being.

      And I know NARP can help you a lot with this healing, please check it out…

      Hang in there darling…

      Mel xo

  49. Hi All,

    I’ve been convinced for a long time that our relationship fell apart because of me, I’d spent months researching how I could recover being a Narcissist myself, (I’m still convinced I have serious traits myself despite seeing a hypno / phsyco therapist, life coach and enrolling in NARP) to enable my recovery and become a more authentic man.

    But, very early on there were warning signs that I chose to ignore (yes codependent as well), I felt them, I knew I was doing something worse than before other relationships, but I really liked this girl, she seemed to be from a great family, she had good values and her love seemed authentic. Then she moved in…She told me she was a commitment-phoebe and that she had a very poor self image… the positive person turned into a challenging women who needed constant external recognition, she hated change, hated any flat mate we had and very often it appeared, hated me by the way she treated me. But I was a very strong guy and kept bringing it up, why do I get treated so badly compared to your friends. But still it went on… for 4 years, threats to break-up, tell me I could do better and even telling me she would be happier if she ended it after a massive failure she claimed as her own at work, which actually was nothing, total confusion I was eventually trying to fix her, which was one of my many down falls.

    I broke my back in 2002, it took me over 5 years to recover and I’ve since shocked doctors with my mobility, but I can honestly say the last 6 months of Trauma were worse than both the accident and many years in the British armed forces. My ex left me after I lost my business, I lost both grand parents to cancer and she said nothing to me, she left her stressful job and moved from London to another country to a less stressful very low paid job as an intern while constantly telling me she loved me while as I later found out, she immediately jumped into a new relationship with a younger guy who are still together 5 months later.

    It’s been painful, but I’ve been recovering well, finally removed her father from my business as well in the last few weeks (another NARC). I’ve heard nothing from her for 2 and a half months after I challenged her why we broke up, she gave me abuse about that, removing her from facebook to a name a few. Then last week she followed me on twitter, then a week later commented on my twitter stream (its my job)… I’ve not acknowledged her at all, I think blocking her gives her attention. Plus after seeing pics of her kissing her ‘boy’ her words and seeing he’s gone away for three months again raises alarm bells, she needed a new supply before she met him in a month, I was insulted.

    I’ve ignored her, I’m a more authentic spiritual person now…. I’m worth more than that and hope to meet a loving authentic women one day soon.

  50. I was led your website several months ago – right when I needed It most… I left a N abusive marriage 3 years ago after 21 yrs of marriage, 3 of the 4 kids left with me, the 4th came to me after 6 months of being the only one targeted by the narcicisst. Your blog has helped me understand and work through what happened and my part in it.
    I worry now about my 20 yr old son, he is showing the tell-tale signs of becomming a Narcissist, just like his father. I am using your advice in dealing with him, but it is so very hard with a child you love with all of your heart. Do you have any additional advice for dealing with an adult child who is in all reality a narcissist???

  51. Hi Melanie, Thanks for your article on Karma and your other work on narcissism. If Karma means that you will be confronted with any (major) difficulty in life untill you have figured out what it is inside you that brings about this difficulty, I believe in Karma. The subject is more difficult when you’ve been raised by narcissistic parents and consequently married a narcissistic person (woman in my case), as opposed to being raised in a normal family. With narc parents and an ex narc wife, life seems full of (negative) Karma. Basically because the image of self is poor and self esteem low. Karma has little to do with “what goes around comes around”, but everything with the internal belief system. I never felt worthy of love,which is why I married my wife. Five years after my divorce from a destructive narcissist, I found the love of my life at 51 years of age! Untill…..after more than a year my new partner went into a bipolar manic episode and left me. My Karma then told me I was never going to find real (and lasting) love. I am now learning – once more to love living on my own and loving myself for what I am. No doubt good will come of that. Greetings from The Netherlands!

  52. I am horrified yet fascinated by something Jennifer posted that her ex Narc said when his son died. “as if he was writing a dramatic novel!!!! where he said his “cry was a wail that reached the heavens” and that `tears (were) still falling from his eyes” as he wrote that letter.

    Is this excessively melodramatic way of expressing themselves a feature of the Narc?

    It is something that always seemed a little crazy, ridiculous about mine.
    He would talk about “his heart being shattered” when I said I wanted to go out with friends to dinner when he couldn’t come & get angry if I told him not to be so melodramatic.
    When HE broke off our relationshiph he wrote “I lie here looking at your side of my bed & sobbing, knowing I will never touch you again” “Know that on the 9/9 at 9pm I will paying honour and respect to our relationship and know that at that time I will be sending you our last kiss good bye in my mind” & “I am sobbing uncontrollably as I read your letter”.
    I always thought this way of talking was so bizarre. Are all Ns like this … like they are reading from a Mills & Boon novel????

    • Hi Tanya, My narc-ex is like that too!! so weird isnt it??? at times he used melodrama too much that I felt guilty because I thought his flowery words were real and sincere – -later on it just got so annoying it seemed he was acting or in a character. I remember there was a fire that almost hit our house. Our house was not touched by the fire miraculously as well as the rest of teh houses near us. But my narcex called his parents and said – in an emphatic almost crying voice “All the houses are burned down!!” I immediately shouted “No its not!” I was just annoyed by it all then & though he had the tendency to exaggerate — little did I know it was a pathological disfunction.

      Maybe they really do need an audience and get off from it — thus the drama — the selfcreated misery.

      Mel is so spot-on re: this!!!

      “Narcs need to manifest drama to keep themselves stimulated and in ‘constant battle’ to avoid their inner unhealed wounds.

      They also get the temporary high of ‘look at how capable I am’ as a result of barely escaping another self-created disaster in the nick of time.

      Narcs are deeply unconsciously masochistic – they attract ‘punishment’ to themselves frenetically. ‘Walking on the edge’ provides this.”

  53. Hey Melanie,

    I’m two years out of my NPD/BPD relationship with a guy ten years my junior. I have healed tremendously but I have a long ways to go since I’m always vacillating between letting go of the anger from the situation to wanting my narcissistic ex to get shot in the face. After reading your article on Karma I’m embarrassed that I feel these primitive un-evolved feelings.

    I desire to heal but it isn’t easy. It’s painful, it hurts bad, and I feel so victimized by the entire experience. I often wonder how long will it take before I’m indifferent? How damn long? I’ve been in therapy, church, I’ve confronted my parents, I’ve read books upon books…I’ve grown and healed but I honestly have to say that it makes me happy knowing that my ex Narc is living in emotional damnation because he truly deserves to suffer.

    If it weren’t for God’s grace I would have surely thrown myself in front of a moving bus.

  54. Hi Melanie, one short little word -WOW- I have read all your blogs numerous times but this one plus the Altrustic writings totally fasinate me. My story after a 2 1/2 year incredibly loving (?)relationship I was discard & replaced as thou I didn’t exist with no explanation !!!! Go figure this! as everything was going so so well !!! A new guy on the seen in 48 hours ( yes a text admirer which she said she wasn’t communicating with) 2 weeks later he had moved in 3 months later bought a million dollar house together. Now it gets interesting – today the 22nd Feb ’13 after NO NO CONTACT!for 5 months on the day they move in to this new property I get a knock on my door! Guess who is standing there larger than with a smile a mile wide wanting to have a wee chat!!! I asked about what? It goes like this ….. Ohh I just wanted to thank you for an amazing couple of years we had together as I think about it often & I really really want you to know that I did love you too pieces & you are a great guy. No sorry stuff it just wasn’t our time! Anyway Im really happy now with Glen and we get on well together arrr uh. I stopped her there & said there is no need to go on as it is what it is ! Wished her well & said try & be honest this time & stop telling lies & hurting other people around you including children. Response – a wicked half smile. Karma- Ohh please.There is no conscience or empathy with this people and as for my children she hurt (nothing) no conscience for our dog she took with her and then decided she didnt want it and had it put down without offering it back to us! Unbelievable – yes Im frustrated disappointed that these heartless people seem to shine! Without you Melanie I can honestly say I would be in sane! Your amazing and an inspiration. Thank you.
    Karma lets hope so or maybe lets pray that this relationship works so nobody else gets hurt. PS, she just got a job as a flight attendant starting 6th March trans pacific route OMG !

  55. the subject of Karma and what it is about differs for many people, depending on who you talk to. I have found that the beautiful thing about Karma, depending on what you believe about it, is that it just “is.” I dont fully understand it, as it is a complex subject, but I do believe as Christ says in the Scritures, if you cast your bread out on the waters, after many days it will return to you. There is no “fooling” the universe. What you give or put out to “it” will find its way back to you, regardless of who may be deceieved or fooled by your hidden motives. Over a year ago, I conscioulsy decided that I wanted to be completely authentic and began to wonder what my life would be like if I made it my goal to treat every person I came across with goodwill and kindness and respect, NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING from them in return. I also made theconscious decision to not DO ANYTHING out of anger or jealously or hurt or etc. If I felt or had those feelings I would deal with the feelings and then move on, but not act toward another out of those emotions. I cannot tell you what a difference it has made in my life. I have a completely different attitude, dont see myself as a victim and at times actualy feel the goodwill coming back to me, sometimes from complete strangers. What a wonderful feeling. It changes the way circumstances affect me. I am married to a Narc, and have been for twenty years. I am not saying that is for everyone, but I have been on this journey of healing anf self discovery for many years and I can say it is not an overnight process. All I can say is that if you decide to adopt this attitude and put it into practice in every area of your life, you will not disappointed in what life gives back to you.

  56. Much has happened in 35 year and horrendously USELESS & WASTED energy– pain at all levels, due to the unfairness, injustice, inequality and disrespect at all levels. Unimaginable. And done in stealth–covert narcissism! I put my career on hold to drown in pain and research so much to get to the bottom of it all –ALL–and then recently I found your site. You have addressed our BEING to the deepest and most fundamental level that can be clearly and instantly felt, not just understood. FELT. This is it. Thank you so much for breaking it all down to its barebones, for personality disorders are not that easy to figure out, given our own innate souls and the layers of life experiences we add, since the day we are born. Not everyone is lucky to have a chance. Most perish. So I thank you even more for helping lost souls. And offering a chance. Finally it is upto us to act. Thank you for this fundamental service !!! Warm regards.

  57. I posted my comments on the “Has the Narcissist really moved on…” blog the other day, but it is so fitting for this blog, so I am pasting it here also.

    “I loved this article/site and I’m saving it. It will really help me. I came here today to find answers on how to move forward from 35 years of narcissistic abuse. I only woke up to it two years ago and they were two final years of hell grasping onto the tiny straw he left dangling. I keep thinking he is having a wow of a time. He completely devalued and discarded me a year ago and I have missed him everyday, yet hate what he did to me and don’t want him back, but my emotions do. I can’t let go. He’s my last thought every night. A few weeks ago his son died and he didn’t even tell me. I found out Googling! That has cut like a knife all over again. I was on the scene when his kid was born for goodness sakes! He rung me with the news. He’s also had another major setback which I can’t write or it will be obvious it’s him. It’s affected his business hugely, the entire country’s affected. Although I never wished this upon him, it does sound like Karma to me. I don’t know whether to be sad or say good job. All he ever bragged about was work and he used it as his excuse for not calling and not being there for me. He wouldn’t have been able to work these last six months due to the damage to his business, so wonder what his latest excuses are. I also want to know – do narcissists mourn when their children die? I can’t see him mourning or crying, but his son was special to him, so maybe he will have “real” emotions over this…. I just can’t move on after all this time. I’ve been sitting for two days now with so much to do and I can’t do it. He consumes me.”

    That’s what I wrote.

    I had a woman bully me dreadfully at work some years back and I was in my 30s. I always said “what goes around comes around”, but nothing ever happened to her in work or her personal life. I have a friend in that company and this evil woman is still there and nothing happened to her. But, in her earlier life, some 10 years prior, she lost a child, so maybe her anger and upset from that is projected onto others who “seem” confident and successful as I was. It inflates her self importance and deminishes mine. I let it. I made the company look bad by complaining and it only reflected on me, not her. I lost my contract there and the agency I was with deleted me. I’ve had trouble finding stable employment ever since because of the emotional damage it caused me and I think she warned every job agency of me. I feel our reaction to something is what rules “where to from here”. I should have ignored it and moved on, but I felt I had a right to work there and fought it. But I fought it wrong. What I mean by our reaction is what rules our actions is – like when someone falls off a chair, some people can’t help but laugh. Others feel so much empathy and go running to help. They later laugh probably, but they don’t hurt the victim’s feelings.

    I am not letting go of this guy in my mind. I am so over the way he treated me and will not tolerate it ever again, but by hanging on, it’s like I’m convincing myself there’s still something special. There’s not, he’s gone, face it, move on.

    I am there for him through this bereavement if he needs/wants me to be, but I am so aware not to get involved with him in any other way than compassion and support – being the one and only true friend he has. It’s staring him in the face and he rejects it (me). He won’t make contact because he won’t want to portray weakness and he definitely won’t want me to feel “helpful” and “a special friend”. I don’t need you anymore – dump.

    These sites and blogs are so helpful to people. Just writing this has told me what to do, but actions speak louder than words….

  58. I’m new to the blog and I have certainly learned a lot since last October about N’s. I left my N over a year ago but the drama just kept going. After reading information from Melanie regarding No Contact, I implemented the plan immediately! I changed my email accounts, had my cell phone carrier to block all calls, voice messages, and text messages from him. I have a question however; if the ex N has someone new as he has proudly announced to me, why does he keep calling? Why is he trying to get a job where I am? Why is he blocking his number at 6 a.m. and calling me holding the phone? THIS IS NUTS! I don’t contact him EVER. I told him congratulations on his new relationship and never looked back. What is his problem?

  59. Valetta, he will think you have moved on and he wants your “narcissistic supply”, not to congratulate him so good for you. The more he contacts you, you can’t forget him – that’s what he wants. I haven’t heard from my ex N in almost a year and he has left it so I never ever forget him ever again in my entire life due to what he’s done to me. After all the emotional abuse, I miss him everyday and over the last week have been balling all over again as if it happened last week. I don’t want him back because of what he’s done to me, but I thought we would stay in touch all our lives. We were in touch on and off for 35 years. That sentence alone says everything about him – on and off. I was just another one of his women, but I didn’t realise it because of all his reassuring comments/lies. You have done and are doing so well Valetta. Maybe make one direct statement to him “please stop contacting me”, then take it further with a restraining order if you have to. Be careful not to make him angry. I think more “no contact” is more effective for you. I just looked up Stockholm Syndrome and that is where I’m at I think.

  60. I believe karma exist because when you did something very bad to a person and that person has great suffering and cause a lot of pain on them. It will bring back to them later in the future, bad things will come back to them. This is true because I think god or heaven will see upon everything on the earth. So the person does a lot of bad things will be punish in a way meaning that person will either perish or has intense suffering in their life. So don’t laugh or trying to pick on a person this will come back to you when it is time.

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