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(Please note: There was some issues with the radio interview on Blogtalk, please skip forward to 6 minutes into the recording. You can do this by clicking along the white bar in the middle of the player)

Today I am very pleased to share a story about a very special woman named Evy. This woman has been an influential member of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Facebook Group.

If you have been in a long term relationship/marriage with a narc you will certainly relate to this story.

Evy shares some invaluable advice for anyone that has suffered a long term narcissistic relationship.

Every few weeks I will be sharing stories from members of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program to inspire and show you that there is a way to heal and create the life that you want after narcissistic abuse.

You can read the transcript of this show below…

 

What was the relationship with your narcissist like?

The marriage was for 21 years and I had four children with him.

There were red flags right from the beginning and I had no idea at the time that they were. I remember talking to him about the lack of communication. His response was that it was too hard and he just wasn’t going to do anything any differently.

Another time before we married I made an offhand remark about him quitting smoking. He lost it and would not speak to me for a week. At this time each evening, after he got home, he would go straight to the basement and stay there.

He drank and isolated himself at times. He also refused to budget or financially make any plans.

I remember standing at the back of the church with my Dad waiting to walk down the aisle.  It was a cold winter afternoon and the wind blew the back door of the church open. I turned and looked at the open door and wanted to run.

I felt powerless because I was pregnant and I know now very co-dependent. There was already at this point a lot of emotional abuse. He had once underhandedly suggested suicide which was something my Mom often did. He wasn’t emotionally present at all but at that time I just didn’t know any different. To me, it was all normal as it was what I grew up with.

I remember an incident in the early years where we went to a dance is his community. He went off and ignored me. I watched him dance with other women and carry on. I wanted to just get up and leave and go pick up the kids from his parents and drive home and just leave him. I couldn’t get up the nerve to do that so I sat there instead.

Another time we were leaving his parents and I said something wrong so he did the classic punch a hole in the wall beside me thing. His parents were feeling sorry for him as we left that day. He had proudly told me how he used to have a meltdown when he was little and tear his room apart and his Mom would help him put it back together. She enabled him and still does to this day.

There were other incidents like driving like a mad man if someone said something he didn’t like, or slamming the car into a snow bank and getting out and walking home.

I knew my marriage was not good right from the beginning but I believed I could make it good. I saw the narc husband as just a guy who needed a little fixing up, healing, and revamping. I thought he loved me and that if I was devoted enough and gave it my all it would turn out okay.

He had me believing I was the one causing the problems, and declared that there was nothing wrong with him and if I was to get myself shaped up everything would be better. I did try really hard and I did really believe I could make it all work.

He used to tell me that I was the one having marriage problems and he wasn’t. I expected very little from him because this is what kept the peace in the house. I now see the pattern carried forward from my childhood in all this.

I stayed all the years also because I believed it was the right thing to do in terms of holding a family together. I was also influenced by religious beliefs. I also believed I couldn’t survive on my own with four kids.

A very low point for me was when I became pregnant with my fourth child at age 38, nine years after the third child. I was successful in my new business and thinking I was in a good position to leave. I then found out I was pregnant and not healthy.

I don’t know if I was depressed because of post-partum or the sadness of not getting out and now having another child with him. I opted out of meds and chose to spend thousands on therapy. This was a dark time.

We had a family dog and I used to spend a lot of time on the back deck with him brushing and grooming him etc. The dog and I were getting quite bonded spending our days together. The kids and I went away for the weekend and I asked my ex to finish some grooming while we were gone.

When we got home he pulled me aside and told me he had shot my dog. I was devastated and confused. I had grown up on a farm and so had dealt with the death of animals but this was cruel and devastated me emotionally.

The abuse continued through the years. He did not ever hit me, he didn’t have to but I always felt he would. He was an angry man with his own agenda. He was financially abusive, controlled the finances, refused to discuss plans. He did his own thing.

He was definitely emotionally abusive and there was no connection at all. He was very passive aggressive and played head games a lot. He refused to like anything I did. If my battery went dead and I needed a boost, he would be sure to make me wait for at least an hour. He always asserted his power and let us know who was boss.

About a year before I told him to leave he initiated marriage counselling because he “wanted some peace.” This was confusing because we never fought, there was no communication. In counselling he was told that he had the rules set so nothing was expected of him and that if he wanted marriage he had to change. He told me later that if I wanted communication he would give it but that it was really dark ‘in there’. He was describing himself. This amazes me to this day – how sad for him to live like that.

And so, twenty one years and four children later I finally gathered the courage together and told him to leave. This was such a fearful time and really was a big step out.

I started college and was well on the way to finishing up and so I felt more secure. I didn’t realise at the time how I was seeking security from others and my outside life. I didn’t trust myself enough at this point. Trust and confidence in myself was the problem.

Approximately six months after he left my health started to fail. I was struggling with inflammation that was moving from one organ to the next. I kind of hit the floor so to speak and was hit with exhaustion.

I took a year off college and did not pursue divorce yet. I continued to stay in contact not realizing how it was affecting me. We didn’t carry on a relationship, I just kept contact for what I thought was for the kids’ sake and also out of fear of finances etc.

I was still just trying to keep the peace and not rock the boat. I wasn’t in a position to support myself financially, was ill informed about legal issues, and most importantly I was afraid of him. I knew what he was capable of. He used to threaten that he would make far less money and make us starve if I left. I was very afraid to be on my own.

It amazes me now as I look back in hindsight how the relationship dynamics were so right to facilitate the abuse. There was such a power imbalance and I believed I could fix it all and take care of everyone. This meant he didn’t need to take any responsibility and he certainly didn’t. I see now how he believes there is nothing wrong with him and that he is a victim of the world and most importantly a victim of me.

 

You stated that your childhood had a lot to do with the marriage you entered in to. Could you explain some more about that?

I was born into a family of six children. My mother was considered special needs because she was stricken with Rheumatoid Arthritis at age 30 and was for a time confined to a wheel chair in the early onset of the disease. The reality was that she didn’t seem to have space for the children and their needs. My Dad was a quiet man who was absent much of the time. He had a heart for my Mom and she seemed to get away with so much. He just didn’t put up boundaries.

I was the oldest of the three girls and so I learned at a young age that it was my role to caretake situations and make everything okay and to do this in silence.

Now as I think about my childhood I see how I was the child who was silent and took care of things in order to have peace and sanity. I definitely wanted to please my Mom in an effort to make her happy and gain her approval.

 

When did you decide to start no contact?

In Sept. 2011 I started to approach the idea of getting divorced and it was also in this month that I hit a deer and sustained whiplash.  I knew this was a wakeup call to start facing things that I hadn’t wanted to face.

I started to notice things about my house such as things going missing, windows unlocked etc. and I no longer was feeling safe in my home. Important papers were going missing and I would find windows unlocked etc. I now believe he was coming in when I wasn’t home. I passworded my computers and took all my important papers and journals out of the house. I started to develop healthy boundaries from this wakeup call

In Jan 2012 I came home one evening to find access to my computer gone. Everything was messed up and there was a strange box behind the armoire. I left that evening and went to a friend’s home with my son. I returned during the next day to find the box was gone. It was during this time that I found your website and began to read about co-dependency and narcissism. I also learned about no contact and immediately initiated it. I had finally had enough and was ready for change.

I thought I could do it on my own and so chose not to buy the NARP program. In the spring my Dad fell ill and entered the hospital where he passed away at the end of June. The pain was mounting as were other pressures to the point where I had a mild onset of paranoid psychosis. The stalking from earlier had brought on enough fear and stress and the inflammation continued to move through my body.

I wanted to heal from it all. I just knew in the depths of me that there was more and I was capable of getting to a better life.

From emergency I was send to a mental health facility to be assessed. I chose to go home and rest and began meds. The meds made me incredibly sleepy. I did not like them. I stayed on them for about two weeks and took myself off. I informed my doctor and psyche nurse that I stopped them. The fear and pain continued as well as milder paranoid thoughts. In the beginning of Aug I tried another med, and this one was better. The running thoughts ceased and I struggled a lot less with OCD. But the pain and fear continued. In Sept. 2012 I purchased NARP and immediately went to work

 

How has the journey been for your children?

It has been a hard road for my kids too. They grew up in a home where their parents had what I now believe to be a pathological bond. Two of them were telling me for years to leave but when he finally left we were still so confused.

One of my sons has been angry for a long while. He told me that he wished I would have just stayed and made it okay and took care of his Dad. We are all coming along and I think doing well. I believe the answers lie in me taking responsibility completely for myself and having my kids witness this.

On Christmas Eve as we were watching “The Help” I cried. My daughter cried and said she liked her new mom. There have been so many little moments like this and they continue.

My youngest son and I often joke in the mornings before school or in the car. The happiness is increasing. I have asked my kids to forgive me for keeping them in that situation and they responded with: “Let’s just move forward now and be happy.”  My one son is slowly coming along, he has warmed up to me, I believe for the best for all of us.

 

How did you progress after starting NARP?

At the beginning the immediate and fast relief from the pain was a good thing and I found it all quite easy. I was so amazed with the healings and felt so grateful. I posted on the Facebook page a lot because I was so taken aback by the healings.  And then it seemed to become more intense as I found myself crying a lot and having to go deeper to release the pain. I releasing there were a lot of patterns within me which had always been my stuff which required healing.

It was during this time that I learned about resistance and letting go. These were such times of healing and even though at times I had to put effort in, the results were so great. I was releasing layers and layers of fear and old deep subconscious patterns.

As I look back now I see how so very afraid I was. I was afraid of everything and trusted hardly anyone. I was afraid of my Mom as a child, afraid of the ex as an adult, afraid of childbirth, post-secondary education, and most of all afraid of being alone.  My boundary system was so weak and I needed empowerment.

I found that as I healed I connected more to myself. Of all the modules that most affected me I would have to say that number three was the most profound.

I had really no idea how much I did not like myself, how low my self-esteem was, and how angry I was at myself for staying and putting up with as much as I did.

I’m learning that my happiness, safety, and all else that I need does not come from other people or outside circumstances. I’m learning to be a Source to myself. This is profound and gives me such a secure feeling. I am totally learning what it is to completely fall in love with myself now…for the first time ever.

I walk now with a bounce in my step and a sense of optimism for my future as I look to Source to provide. I have dreams now and spend the majority of my time focused on these good things.

I’m not dating right now and am so happy to have this time to work on my life.

I no longer dwell on his awfulness and have come to accept that all is Divine including him. He caused me to come to this place I’m now in and I accept this.

Every once and awhile I am tempted to have ill thoughts and remind myself that he too is Divine. It is such a relief to not have these “yuck” feelings of him.

I am relatively new in my healing and I know there is so much more. I used to spend my days “dealing.”  I was constantly dealing with the drama caused from such a dysfunctional relationship that I really didn’t grow personally.

Now that I have let go of so many toxic relationships and no longer have to “deal” I feel I am finally at a place where I can deal with me. I have purchased your next program and believe this is the heart and soul of where I get to deal with me.

 

How has the Recovery Facebook Group helped your recovery?

The Facebook Group has been a powerful learning place for me. I’ve especially been able to open up there and find it a safe place. I’ve also made some pretty great friends on there, some of whom I am actually meeting. Later this month a friend I have made on here is going on a short holiday with me to Vancouver. It is so nice to open an email from a friend in South Africa whose life seems to parallel mine in unbelievable ways.

The Group is a strong base for not only recovering but also healing to a life of thriving. I believe there is a big difference in between recovering and thriving.

The group has a Code of Conduct and I have a lot of respect for what you’ve written in this Code. In my experience I am healing to change my thought patterns, the way I choose to handle my emotions, my boundary system, and my very body chemistry right down to the structure of my cells. This needs a clear direction that must be followed if one is to get there.

There is so much kind, loving direction on that page from the veterans who have “been there, done that.” The support is amazing. Debbie posts educational articles regularly and this helps. We’re so uninformed when we first get there….the education is invaluable.

It is more than a group…it is a community.

 

How has your life changed since doing the inner healing on yourself?

My life is changing constantly. I think the biggest change is the level of pain I have now compared to before. It is considerably less and also much less fear. The fear of him is gone. I’m working through other fears and have so much more confidence now in my ability to shift these negative things out.

I’m very content being alone now. As I shared earlier I’m not dating and am happy to work on myself. I did date earlier and found I was attracting the kind of men who were relatively the same as the ex. I’ve come to appreciate that I need more healing and am happy to take the time to do just that.

I’m doing many things now, my creativity is coming alive. I’ve taken up the art of jewelry making and will take fused glass training at the end of May. I will focus on creativity going forward.

I am spiritual and so I’m enjoying learning about things unseen. I’m particularly taken up with Angels and am studying about them. I’m learning to trust the Universe and go to Source, God, there are many names really and to me they are all the same.

I’m spending time with my kids and building a loving relationship with them. We openly and authentically express love and openly communicating. We are in a process of healing.

Some of my old friends have fallen away as I’ve changed. I’m enjoying building new friendships that are more of a match for the new me. Some of these relationships were co-dependent and so I’m looking forward to more functional ones. As I shared earlier I’m going on a holiday with a gal I met in the group. We understand abuse and the effects but more importantly we understand healing towards a life of thriving.

My family relationships are changing as I put up new boundaries. This is a work in progress and I’m confident there will be more healing and happiness as a result.

I have a heart for people coming out of abuse, especially the newcomers to the Facebook Group who are dazed and often in shock. I have a sense this will not lessen and I doubt I will ever forget what I went through.

 

What advice would you give to people who have been in a long term relationship with a narcissist?

My advice is to not focus on the number of years or the damage experienced. I advise to get straight to the business of healing by doing the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and go at it with power and might…..don’t hold back. I spent years and thousands of dollars on therapy and nothing gave me what NARP did in such a concentrated way and in such a short space of time.

Module 1 provided me immediate relief from the worst of the agony. Also, try to open up and trust the people in the NARC recovery group who have your best interest at heart. Don’t spend time lingering in the pain and all the other negative emotions that come with sustaining narc abuse. The pain and fear, and so much more can be powerfully shifted by doing the work. Sometimes it takes effort but the rewards are so worth it.

I’m currently working through my divorce and I have to share that I am fear free in regards to it. I am empowered in my lawyer meetings and able to state my thoughts. I don’t know what the future holds and I just know now that it is all going to be okay.

The community is very grateful for Evy coming forward and sharing her story. Thank you Evy!

If you have any questions or comments for Evy please post them below and she will reply to your questions personally.

 

 

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70 thoughts on “Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #2: Evy

  1. hello,

    the more i read about narcissistic abuse, the more i “think” i was in a relationship like that. I was led to believe and still am, that I was the one with all the issues. I’ve never had issues with other men in my past, just my ex husband. I don’t so much as think he was narcissistic whilst married not in a major way, but since our separation (6 months) everything points to this as being the case. His behaviour has been astounding. I need to ask, is he truly a narcissist or is this just the bitterness of divorce?

    1. Hi Lee
      Melanie’s website has a wealth of information in it. If you’re wondering if your ex is a narcissist there is a full on description of narcissism in the “articles” link on this website. I encourage you to visit it and read all you can. This knowledge will bring you peace. If you feel he is and would like more support the NARC recovery group on FB is a great place to receive the needed support.

      Much Love
      Evy

      1. I’m having difficulty finding the recovery group on Facebook. Can you post a link to the page?

    2. Hi Lee,

      Yes it is true that people can act in awful ways when deeply hurt, however regardless of the triggers – two things need to be understood which define people who are personality disordered and those who aren’t.

      1) Is there the ability to act malisciously in ways that are pathological – that is using information that is fabricated to try to achieve nasty results that could not be procured through using the facts?

      and

      2) If vengeful acts are carried out is there remorse for them?

      Non personality disordered people in times of acute fear and powerlessness may have feelings of revenge as a knee jerk reaction to gain relief from powerlessness – yet will rarely ever act on it. Additionally if they do then they have an operating conscience and will be remorseful and make amends.

      That is what a healthy character will do.

      A personality disordered person and specifically a narcissist will feel entitled to act out the revenge, will use fabrications to support the revenge – such as abuse by proxy (the ultilising of authorities to punish the victim) and will spread smear campaigns (blatant untruths) to damage the other person’s character and procure allies.

      Mentally and emotionally ‘healthy’ people simply do not have the capacity to act like this.

      Further the narcissistic individual will keep it going, will not be remorseful and will never be accountable for the atrocious behaviour because of a pathological (distorted) belief that they were victimised and payback is in order.

      I hope this helps…

      Please know this is not really about splitting straws, this is about what is the best way for you to heal, get well and recover.

      YOu can’t change him – but you can look after you and your life.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you for your great insights and help re: narcissists.
        I believe I have been in relationship with one for 40 yrs and have just gotten out of it.

  2. Way to go Evy. It has been a long journey and you are on a good road now. Not easy to go through what you have been. As well, realizing that you need to get out of this toxic relationship, show the kids what it is to be in a good spot. Brava.

    1. Hi Lee,

      I understand what you are saying or questioning. I have also wondered if the bitterness of divorce brings out the very worst in people. The grieving process of anger, sadness until acceptance is reached is long and takes it’s toll on most people.

      I guess the difference is this. Even though you might rightly hate your ex for things they have done, do you have a bottom line that you won’t cross? A narc is devoid of this line in their conscience. There is no line that they won’t cross and that’s what makes them truly frightening.

      They are capable of the most despicable behaviour. They’ll use their kids and anything you love to punish you and manipulate you. Their aim is often to destroy you financially, emotionally and break you completely.

      I know many divorced people and there are some who’ve had painful break ups but there is a bottom line that both of them won’t cross and that is the difference.

      I hope you have not experienced the total force of divorcing a narc. If you have, there is no doubt.

  3. Thanks Ivy for sharing your story and congratulations.
    What he did to your dog made me shudder. I feel so happy for you that you reclaimed your life. Keep going forwards because it’s the only way to go.

    I’d love to join the Facebook group because there are times that I know I need that type of support from other women who have lived the same lives.

    My story is similar. I left after 18 years with 3 children 6 years ago now. I only found my strength and power through Melanie’s work after spending years and money on therapists and many other unsuccessful treatments.

    I feel the happiest I have felt before in my life too. My kids and I have a renewed connection, one that I lost during the turmoil after leaving him. We laugh, we are close and they sometimes think I’m high because I am so happy.

    I recently won a court battle with my ex narc over their custody. After 5 years, during which he set up immediately with another woman and is now engaged, he suddenly is remorseful, regretful and trying to be respectful. Thank god I am so aware of everything.

    He is trying to wear me down to have me agree to what he wants, regardless of the fact that he initiated the court proceedings.

    I have hated him and kept away from him for so long, except through contact about the children and it was easier. Now he thinks we can be friends. He even wanted to reconcile!!!

    He can’t work out where my strength is coming from? At very weak moments he had me doubting again. Then he hit me with the gas lighting. He is seeing a psychiatrist and he feels that I have a personality disorder.

    I know this is his ultimate goal. To have me feeling so insane that I have a total breakdown or worse, commit suicide so that he can have the kids, save his money and keep his image intact. I used to wonder myself if I was crazy? The thing is away from him, I’m functional, happy and feel sane. Whenever I allow him into my head, I feel unstable, dysfunctional and full of doubt.

    I don’t hate him. I’m not afraid of him. I feel compassion for his tormented soul. I am trying to navigate a civil, respectful relationship with him and maintain limited contact. I would love to move away from him completely but I can’t and I have to stay strong, allow my children to maintain their relationship with him and co-parent with him.

    I’m waiting on the final judgement anyday now from the court and I am certain there will be orders in place about contact. I’m looking forward to this because up until now for 5 years, I am have been in contact with him almost daily because of the ridiculous parenting arrangement we had in place to suit him, his shift work and his demands for shared care.

    He was always so disrespectful and unreasonable that the courts indicated very strongly at the trial that the children will live with me now.

    He won’t lie down easy. I just have to continue to remain firm and strong. I can do it now without losing my cool.

    I’m not scared, I just know that while my kids are young, I will have him in my life. I would love the support of other women dealing with this situation.

    I’m looking forward to my life ahead. I’m so grateful that I ‘woke up, stood up and broke free’.

    Thanks again Ivy and Mel

    1. I have been going through the same with my ex Narc. I fought for custody and won! It was tough because he of course kept at it, trying to push for his wants and needs.
      Right now the arrangements are through Skype because he left the country (thank god!). Even though he isn’t here, he tries to continually torment me and use our son as a pawn for manipulation ie. if you give me more access, I will send you more money etc.
      Anyway, I have a No Contact order through the courts because he uttered death threats to me. He breached last week, so I called probation to get him charged. Because of Melanie, I have been very firm with my boundaries. If I allow anything outside of what is court ordered, he tries to push for more. So, I stopped accommodating him and kept my responses very business like (no emotion) and strict to the court order with NO acceptions! Also, I revoked him from any form of contact with me at all! If he is poisoning me, it eventually trickles down to my son. I can’t have this . I decided to revoke his power by not even reading his emails! He made his bed he can lie in it. As you know, even an email can make you feel sick inside for weeks. Stay strong! Take care of you first! Your kids will love you for it. We can be good examples for them by loving ourselves 🙂

    2. Hi Kellie,
      I’m so happy to read you story and know that there are others out there who have come through and are thriving. I think often about those who need the support to get to a life a thriving. If you click on the “Narcissistic Central” link at the top of Melanie’s website there will be a link to join the FB group. It would be so good to see you there. We’re a community and have open arms for all who come.

      Hope to meet you there
      Evy

  4. Sorry Evy. I wrote a post, my phone battery died and I posted again without double checking your name…. Ooops please forgive me 🙂

    1. Hi Marie,

      If you click on the “Narcissistic Central” link at the top of Melanie’s website there is a link there to join the FB group. All are welcome there.

      Hope to meet you there
      Evy

  5. Thank you Evy. Powerful story. I often feel like doing NARP but then I don’t. I am scared I believe. I am still in a long term relationship where I am the blame and feel responsible. The mind games are sickening. I relate so much to your story at the beginning. I hope I will eventually relate to the end. I love to hear positive outcomes, I feel hopeful and strong. Having true happiness and love around me is my goal. I love face book and Melonie’s story which I listen often to on utube with the quantum healing. I have been going down the counselling and doctors road. It may be time for me to do the NARP as I think of your story.

    Going on holiday with a friend is almost magical thinking to me but u r doing it. That’s great. I was just thinking my partner says I am to blame for not being married and recently I signed my children’s communion papers with his name, I did this to keep him happy and now wonder why. I am proud I didn’t marry him as signs were there but also he was married for the first seven years we were together and it took that plus the couple before for his ex to sort it out. It was all her fault. I can see from your story that its time to release my pain and let go. To argue that crazy stuff is crazy when energy can go else where.

    Thank u blessings
    Tracy 🙂

    1. Hi Tracy,

      I understand what it is like to be afraid as I was afraid of so many things. But our spirit wants to be happy and live a life of thriving.

      NARP can be started even while still living in the abuse and I encourage you to do that. I also encourage to come to the FB group and receive support there while you heal.

      If you click on the “Narcissistic Central” link at the top of Melanie’s Website you will find a link to the FB group on that page.

      Hope to meet you there
      Evy

    2. Hi Tracy,

      yes Evy’s story is powerful, and it is wonderful that it does give you hope 🙂

      It is so normal that when you in a relationship with a narc, that you are projected on to so much, and lose so many pieces of yourself – believing that the narc is your Source, that your mind does find ways to blame yourself and take responsibility for the narcissist’s behaviour.

      We do all sorts of things such as ‘If only I was more like (what he demands etc), then he wouldn’t do this horrific behaviour..’

      We all feel into that trap.

      The truth of the matter is absolutely we are not well, our boundaries are crumbled, we an in a pathological enmeshment and we have become severely co-dependent (outer-focused) and we are not in a centre of self-love, self-value and self-respect (fundamental healthy human foundations)…

      BUT IN NO WAY are you guilty of all the things that the narcissist is blaming you for – which are all projections of his own flaws and disowned parts such as: being untrustworthy, seeking grandoise approval, adultery, pathological lying, being a horrible person, being unloving / uncaring / no empathy – or whatever it is that the narc is presenting….And any accusations about you backing off, disconnecting etc…is it any wonder? This is what abused, unsafe people do – they start withdrawing!

      So NO in no way are you ‘guilty’ of all the things he is telling you regarding his projections – which are all his punishment for you not bowing enough to the False Self – which is totally his self-avoidance, entitled maliscious behaviour and which demands you take the blame for his issues!

      I can’t recommend NARP enough for you Tracy to start healing from all of this – to get your clarity and totally claim and see the truth, because that is what the QFHealing in NARP does.

      There are many people who have successfully used NARP whilst still with the narc to heal enough to get clear, get empowered and get out.

      I certainly don’t believe just cognitive therapy can work deep enough to create this…because I have never seen that occur.

      It is the deep work on the inner subconscious programs that creates these shifts.

      Hugs and strength.

      Mel xo

  6. Evy….well done…I got out although he still tries every six months to contact me in a charming way, obviously just to see if he can make his way back in. NO he cant and wont..my downfall is not him any more..it is that after creating boundaries..i find the loving myself and self empowerment the hardest to achieve. Everyone around is wonderful but i still get amazed at that..i have a new business and cant believe i can maintain that… no matter how much i read NARP , i doubt myself and remain isolated…my problem stemmed from mother to husband to total narc lover… 50 years of codependence..i just figure if i keep plodding i will finally get it! love to hear you woke up! cheers P

    1. Hi Pam,

      I relate totally to the self doubt and isolation. The abusers want this for us. Also, if we have been trained to isolate please know that we can heal out of this. I no longer doubt myself as I used to and am opening up and coming out of isolation.

      NARP is a healing program where specific exercises are carried out to bring about this healing. It is about more than just reading to heal…it is energetic healing and highly effective. I encourage to give it a go as I have not regretted the small investment.

      Also, consider joining the FB group where the much needed support can be found. If you click on the “Narcissistic Central” link at the top of the Melanie’s website you will find a ling to the FB group there.

      Hope to meet you there,
      Evy

    2. Hi Pam,

      I picked up in your post (as Evy did) – ‘No matter how much I READ NARP..’

      It is very important to understand that the deeper part (and the most powerful process) or NARP is the MP3 Healings..this is where the true inner work takes place, and to get the powerful inner changes this is what you need to commit to.

      I always know the distinct difference with people who are on NARP who work the healings, and those who don’t – with the former still continuing to struggle.

      Please let me know here if you do not have the MP3 Healings, or if you are not sure where you have them on your pc so I can re-send them to you – so that you can get started on the deep inner work.

      Please also know that you have email access to me directly as a NARP member so that you can achieve any quidance or questions you have regarding the healings in order to get the best results from them.

      Mel xo

  7. Thank you for sharing your journey Evy. The insight you have shared has personally enlightened me. I was in a very similar marriage for over 12 years with many of the same “ties” – religious beliefs, feeling that I must sacrifice to hold things together for the family and fix what is wrong. My ex even told me that if I could “just act right” everything would be ok. I now realize that this is not only unhealthy but toxic mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Your truth and experience I believe is the catalyst I needed to invest in NARP. In your story, I not only see a shared narc experience, but the hope and possibility of a real, positive future FREE of this experience. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    1. Hi Maya.

      It is my hope that sharing my story would bring others to heal and live a life of thriving. As I shared in my story, it is my goal to turn the abuse and use it for the good. I can clearly see this goal is happening and I’m so happy.

      I encourage you to do the NARP program and join the FB group. A link to the FB group can be found in the “Narcissistic Central” link here on Melanie’s Website.

      Hope to meet you there,
      Evy

  8. My N ex had planned to discard me for 2 years before he actually did, & had carefully manouvered me out of “our home” & into a caravan in Wales where I lived through 2 of the coldest winters on record, while he enjoyed all the comforts of home back in Ca.Of course the failure of the “relationship” was all my fault, We lived together in the UK until his business took him to Canada, I couldnt join him as my children were from my previous marriage, & I would have needed permission to relocate my family. My Mom was also terminally ill & didnt want to relocate, or be dependent in any way on my ex, I was under pressure to join him in Ca. there was blackmail, if I loved him I would be with him etc, When the kids were older & getting into university & my Mom had passed away, I took the leap & joined him in Ca.After 6 years of long distance to ing & fr ing across the “pond” I thought that during our time apart that we had renegotiated our “relationship,” when I got to Ca. I quickly realised that nothing had changed, it was all about him taking care of number 1 We were supposed to marry, share & make a home together, get “landed” in Ca. & generally start a new life together, none of his promises were kept, & it was all my fault, as I was being difficult & angry & it would first have to stop, & so I found myself living in Ca. on visitor status, (which is no status at all I was obliged to leave Ca. every 6 months which was exhausting & disruptive), we lived in his house, & I was constantly reminded of this, Without status, I couldn’t legally work, I had no healthcare coverage & after 4 years of fighting desperately for somekind of fairness & security, in the situation, I started to go to counselling at The Family Transition place, who referred me for a consult with a family lawyer, who told me that I had been totally stitched up, & that I had no rights whatsoever. I was accused by him, of being a gold digger, a manipulator, schemer, a nut job, schizophrenic, & that I showed no appreciation, or gratitude, that I was mentally ill, I was threatened with forcible removal to a mental hospital. By the end of what turned into a nightmarish struggle against having ended up in such an insecure position, & having allowed him to put me in one impossible situation after another, I was desperate to find a way forward. What was so soul destroying was that he deliberately misintepreted my longing for a secure relationship, & life circumstance, as a desire to “take him for half of every thing” all I wanted was for us to unite as a couple in a fair & balanced way, like other people do, I wanted nothing other than what any woman would have wanted with the love of her life, namely unity & equality.
    The fighting escalated & I was indeed out of control of myself, & my rage at the sheer injustice of what was going on, every conversation was turned into an argument, I was ridiculed & invalidated all the way. I started to look at fields with water & trees in Spain & Portugal,on the internet, I thought maybe I could live an alternative lifestyle in a tipi or a caravan, & go back to Europe, where I would be able to work & have basic human rights again. This was the first time my ex ever came on board with anything that I had wanted to do, everything was always what he wanted, I mistakenly thought that we were reading off the same page for the first time ever & was very happy in my fool’s paradise, he thought my idea of a retreat centre was brilliant, but with hindsight I can see that I was being moved sideways so that he could find fresh N supply, I had totally dried up in his estimation, & was told that I was “useless” to him.
    Just before we bought the tumbledown farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, which was supposed to be for our retirement, & for me to build up the retreat centre, which we could run together when my ex N retired, my ex N sent me a text, to the effect that he couldn’t go on with the “relationship,”but that he still wanted me to go ahead with taking on the farm, & building my dream. After 18 years of trying to work out how to accept this man as he was, & trying to see the best in him & understand his inability to trust, commit, share of himself in any way other than materially, it was over. A couple of weeks after we bought the place, I get a very unkindly worded message from a woman on FB claiming that she really loves my ex, & that she will not accept any kind of presence from me in thier relationship. The shock nearly killed me. After this I was given advice to press for sole ownership of the farm, & although he agreed, it took him 10 months to actually get round to it, all the time asking me stay in touch, & telling me that he thinks the world of me. When my belongings were being packed up at his house in Ca. telling me what a disaster it all was for him, even though the new woman was by now ensconced & happily helping the packers ! Then one day he called & told me it was all over between him & the other woman, that it was a terrible mistake that should never have happened & that he wanted to help me to make a go of it, with the old place in Pt. Like a fool I believed him, I was still pathologically in love with him, very vulnerable & in the process of trying to set up home alone in the wilderness ,which when I first arrived had no communications, still has no windows in the downstairs rooms, only old ill fitting doors, no friends, a limited amount of language skills, & a small amount of financial support, which was contantly under threat of being cut off, if I said the wrong thing.The house was so delapidated that I had to spend my limited seed capital, on having the roof fixed & a few other jobs in the house to make it basically functional, it’s still not year round habitable, I would never have chosen such a place had I known I was soon to be betrayed & abandoned to it.
    For 8 months after this call, I was told a pack of lies about how the other woman had swindled him out of 20,000 dollars & how he was going to trick her into repaying him by placing a lien on her house, so that when she sold up he would have first priorty over her other creditors., & that he would need to get her signatures, deeds, & other documents, so that he could achieve all of this, I was told to hang in there while he “extricated” himself from the situation, he was in Ca. I was in Pt. when I sensed that he had moved her back into his house, (I was asked to only contact him on his cell phone) he still insisted that it was only until he could get his money back, & then he would be coming over to Pt to join me on the farm, which he claimed to love so much.He asked me over & over to trust him & that it would all work out well in the end. When I asked my self, “for who will this all work out in the end ?” & concluded, “certainly not for me,” the endless mind games & the lies he told me, the false promises, the charm, I wanted to believe him, I thought he was my mate, & I wanted it all to be true. When he started to rub my face in what a “dynamo” the new woman was & how she had so many difficulties & he didn’t have the heart to add to them, something inside me snapped, & became the fulfillment of his darkest beliefs about what I was as a woman, & I emailed his new partner to let her know all about my ex’s plans for both her & for me, she claims that what he had told me was a pack of lies, & that she was simply dealing with her second divorce. After this the ex cut off all material support at this time & wished me goodbye, If any of you think or suspect that a N ex partner may be trying to drive you insane or commit suicide or otherwise destroy you, consider you may well be onto something. My ex was simply trying to stop me from taking further steps to fight for an eqitable settlement, which I had told him that I had previously chosen not to, for the sake of amicability between us, that I was reconsidering this choice, should he not follow through on our original agreement. My ex N considers himself to have been manipulated into a sacrifice far greater than he wished to make in allowing me sole ownership of the farm in Pt. & deeply resents the loss of his share of the value of the place, which he also offered to buy in our final conversations, he clearly wished to keep a foot in the door to the place & to keep me on as a fallback woman & scapegoat, If he had been able to drive me to suicide, he would have been able to contest my will. The film Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman will remain a classic illustration of how these people operate, if you have suffered long term abuse by a NPD person, you may well be suffering from a degree of paranoia, but paranoia is only the twisted more extreme end of intuition, my ex wanted me dead & buried. Now I have to try to get out of this place as soon as I can, there are too many reminders of my life with him, the harsh wet winter this year has wrecked the 2km track, water freely ingresses along the back wall soaking two of the rooms, my savings are dwindling & I just dont feel up to taking care of the needs of others anymore, & so have abandoned my idea of running retreats here, in favor of finding a more manageable & healthy living situation so that I can start to recover from the trauma of the last few years of my life. When I look back on what happened I can’t believe that I allowed so much craziness to pervade my life, & for so long. At least now with no contact there is no fresh poison coming in, & it has really cleared up my delusions.

    1. Hi Jyoti,

      You have been through a very tough time with an aboslute NPD, everything is there…the accusations, the projections and total non-accountability.

      Jyoti, your story is identical to many people’s story – the same behaviour just different places and circumstances.

      Now what is important is to understand that getting well ‘on the inside’ is your greatest mission – because from that place your life can start healing, falling into place and recover…but this only occurs when we make emotional health and recovery the NUMBER ONE goal…

      You are still in the throes of obsession, which is the going over and over and over of the details – hence why you have shared so much information…this is understandable and normal…but to make any improvement to your ‘inside’ you now have to take your focus of what has happened and him and put it fully on to healing yourself.

      It is the only way to get better…

      There are so many resources here for you to make this journey – and you don’t have to stay in the agony of the obsession and your mind torturing you for extended lengths of time before you shift that focus…

      Please know you will not find the outer results first to be conjucive to help create your recovery – that is NOT how life works. That strategy is futile.

      We all create ever aspect of our life FROM THE INSIDE OUT.

      When we focus on and commit to our inner THEN the outer circumstances all start lining up with that.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you Mel, I know that recovery starts from the inside out, living like a hermit with limited diversions & entertainments & social interaction at the moment, makes it difficult to shift my focus back onto loving & caring for myself, it’s been a tough winter for many people here in the mountains, with constant low cloud, & orange flood alerts, & a lot of seasonal affective disorder in the mix, which all together helps to magnify everything, I think my obsession has a lot to do with the fact that it’s just so hard to believe how cruel another human being could be, I’m still stunned. Then there is my struggle to let go of the deep resentment that I feel towards the ex, some times I”m on top of it, & feel really OK, & sometimes it’s on top of me, & I get just get swept away. You are right my priority needs to be on loving & nurturing myself as best I can. This community is enormously comforting to me & I enjoy the solidarity that is expressed within it. As my finances improve & permit, & I have progressed in my self care & healing, I would like to commit to working with NARP,
        With thanks & love,
        Jyoti xx

        1. Hi Jyoti,

          you are very welcome…

          Truly the isolation is a the perfect opportunity to be working on your inner self without distractions – that is your perfect chance.

          Did you listen to Galeets’s show regarding how much time and effort she put into her healing. Galeet’s model was very similiar to my own, and so many other people I have seen heal – who set aside a lot of time to be with themself and commit to their healing.

          Truly the obsession, the disbelief, the resentmanet is not things you can logically congnitively assimilate – that is the long way around – and the ‘how to lose and get caught up in more peptide addiction’ way…

          Hence why the message is so strongly about committing to work on your inner self and addressing the emotional wounds at the subconscious level.

          Truly are you worth $20.00 per month? Is you whole life worth less than one counselling session with no financial risk and a full money back guarantee if it does not work for you?

          This is about valuing yourself…then life and others will reflect back ‘more’..

          I hope this helps

          Mel xo

  9. Evy, I felt as though I was reading the story of my own marriage. My narc husband of 25 years told me that if I would just get mental help, everyone would be okay. He tells everyone that I went crazy and left him. He is right. He drove me crazy and I left him. The years of emotional and financial abuse wore me down. I couldn’t do the dance anymore, choreographing my life to protect my children and the outside world from seeing who he really was…. and who I had become.
    The bravest thing I ever did was leave my marriage. Because with that, I hurt my children and broke up their family and I stayed way too long “keeping the family together.”
    It’s been 17 months since I left with my daughter and I am at the end stages of the most contentious divorce. Financially I struggle. Emotionally it has been so incredibly painful. But… I am free from the insanity. I’ll go along with his version of our breakup – I went crazy and left. He drove me crazy and I left. And now I am free from the negativity, the demeaning comments, the silent treatment, the feeling of being so very small.
    Melanie’s emails have helped me so very much. I read them and reread them. I have taken responsibility for my part in all of this, as Melanie suggests, and that has been very powerful.
    When I am financially able, I plan on purchasing the NARP. It is something I look forward to. I never want to be charmed by another narc and have committed to staying single until I have completed NARP and I learn to establish boundaries to keep the monsters away!
    Thank you for your story, Evy. Thank you for your support, Melanie!

    1. Hi Jane,
      There are so many of us out there.

      I encourage you to send Melanie a private email and speak to her about your intention to do the NARP program and share your situation with her.

      I received so much healing through the program and am moving forward and loving life. The FB group is also another great support for working the program and getting to thriving.

      Hope to meet you there,
      Evy

    2. Hi Jane,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased my information and Evy’s story have been able to help you and inspire you.

      Do you know that there is a payment option for NARP of just $20.00 a month. It is such a small investment to recover and break free to a completely narc free and glorious life…and absolutely YOU are worth it!

      When you start abundantly giving to yourself, everything in your life improves and starts supporting you – including finances.

      Life will join and support you 🙂

      Mel xo

  10. Dear Evy, I touched to tears by your powerful recovery. I spent 20 years in an abusive marriage relationship and have avoided serious dating for many years after. When I finally did, I ended up with another abuser. I have ended this relationship last week. Part of my decisiveness and clarity came from reading Melanie’s posts. I am doing a lot of inner work to release the injured male ‘archetype’ in me. I consider both men dear ‘vile’ angels that allowed be to hurt enough to leap forward to more healing. Bless you and all of us who are brave enough to heal and with that allow others to move forward as well.

    1. Hi Susan,
      I’m so glad my story is doing good. It brought me healing too as I shared. I agree that it is a wonderful thing to come across resources like NARP and heal.
      I invite you to the FB group. It is such a wonderful group of people who come together to support each other. Hope to meet you there.

      Evy

    1. Hi Susan,

      If you click on the “Narcissistic Central” link at the top of Melanie’s Website page you will find a link to the FB group there.

      Hope to meet you there,
      Evy

  11. Thank you so much for sharing your story Evy! I’m on the facebook group, and it was so moving to hear you on Melanie’s radio show! I posted this on the group too, how I loved when talked about in you past you were just “dealing” every day, instead of thriving. What a revelation! We aren’t here just to “deal” with life, we are here to live it and thrive! Like you I’m amazed at how fast the NARP program has given me relief, and looking forward to more healing. If I hadn’t experienced it myself, I don’t think I would have believed it. I loved hearing your story, thank you Evy!

    1. Hi Mary Allen,

      so gorgeous you are recovering and excited about life…it is very true that before doing subconscious healing work it is very hard to believe how powerful it is…

      Even as the creator of QFHealing it still never ceases to amaze me in my personal life and with others 🙂

      Thank you for your share!

      As a member of the NARC Group it would be lovely to have you on the show too if you want to share your story 🙂

      Mel xo

    2. You’re welcome Mary Ellen. I suppose we may always “deal” in one form or another too. It’s just a part of life. But dealing with the same thing everyday only because they know it takes our energy and holds us down is another story. I do not miss “dealing” at all.
      I too am so happy to have found NARP and had such quick relief. It was so worth it and no financial risk at all.
      I hope to hear your story one day too….smiles.

      Evy

  12. My Narc husband left me for another younger woman. on my Birthday. after 11 years with four young children.
    He was totally selfish and a contant womaniser.
    Called me mental and nothing wrong with him.
    I was drinking more to cope from day-to-day with his womanising, lying, hiding money.
    I bought the house with my money and he wanted half of it immediately. He did’nt hit me but was emontionally empty/ He sexual acts were weird he dressed as a woman in sex and I felt used in every way.After he went he phoned the police on me. saying I had assulted him and his new woman – I did not do this. He has threatened me sending drug dealers down to my home, although I couldn’nt prove it. Weird telephone calls – which I informed the Police about.I went to counceling he didn’nt. Has no feeling of remorse whatsoever. Lost my friends because of his mud-slinging and calling me I helped him out of jail when he was accused of rapin his ex-wife. which I now know he did. He has turned his daughter on the mother and they have had no contact for 14 years. I have no contact with him now as he wants to punish me. He told me he wanted a divorce and he asked me who was going to do it. I served papers on him – since them I have heard nothin. I am trying to recover from this but finding this extremely hard. They are the Devil.I feel so much for the other women that are going the same thing. No support seems to be available for this in England.
    He has taken away so much and given nothin.
    I am in pain everyday from the abuse which he has put me through, thinking he is happier with the new woman. I am an empath and think that we attrack them.

    1. Hi Susan,

      my post to you is very much along the lines to my response to Jyoti above, and this is truly why it is time to heal if you wish the pain and the obsession to stop…please read my response to her above.

      Please know the support you have through this community is immense, has facilitated so much in the way of recovery and empowerment with others and you do not need a specialised person in the UK to achieve this – all you need as proven methods are here.

      Empaths with healthy boundaries and having healed unhealed wounds are not susceptible any more, but it means we have to take full responsibility and do the inner work – and that is when you can be a healthy loving person in the world – WHEN first of all you know how to fill yourself and be healthy self-love.

      Without healthy self-love we are not able to draw authetically loving people, and the truth is we are also not loving others in healthy ways…We either love to ‘get’ or we enable people by interacting with them in ways where they can stay in a state of not loving themselves or being reverent to others and life.

      Your greatest mission is to heal, commit to and love you, and then you will become and experience authentic love – and the truth is not before..

      Life for you has to start within you.

      Mel xo

  13. Evy it was wonderful listening to the show.

    I too now have a yearning for a deeper sense of spirituality and find my creativity is opening so much more now that the focus is no longer on him but me. It just feels like I am walking down a totally different path. At first it used to feel quite strange having pleasant thoughts focussed on my dreams instead of pondering about why he was not changing or why he had broken another promise.

    For those, who believe that the other woman is a better option, this is not true. She is yet another target and another victim who will experience the exact mind games and destruction.

    NARP has helped for so many things related to this abuse as well as issues about the other woman for me. I am at the stage where I have purchased the second programme and healing more of me now. It is truly worth all the effort we put into learning to know who we desire to be.

    1. Hi Rozanne,
      I think it the most exciting part of my new life….the growing creativity. The ideas and visions are increasing and this makes one feel as though a stream that dried up long ago is beginning to flow again.
      I agree through experience that what we focus on expands and also that our dreams want to come into being…we must get out of the way.
      I am enjoying the new way I see life and experience my spirituality now also.
      I am so looking forward to the day when I am fully supporting myself….this is so important to me.
      I do believe that as we heal longstanding old subconscious patterns, release resistance and belief systems that no long serve us, our body, mind and spirit follows in change.

      Evy

  14. This is all wonderful to read of other stories and not feel so alone. I am in an ugly custody battle with my narcissistic soon-to-be ex. It’s already been nearly one year. I put up modified contact rules, which drives him crazy, but it has greatly benefited me. I would love to do no-contact, but can’t, since we have children. He is now using my modified contact against me in court though, as if I am not communicating about our children (even though I do on our mandated court site). Now the courts are telling us we have to correspond weekly through emails and I am supposed to “make nice” with him in front of my youngest child when he is picked up. “Hi. How are you. Talk to you later.”

    The problem is I am scared to death of my ex and his manipulation techniques. I have gone thru the quanta freedom healing about “fearing” my ex. I felt I was fear-free, until I was in his presence again. I obviously need to do more! Anyways, if my kids walk out 5 minutes late, I am accused of disrespecting him. If I don’t see him face-to-face or look at him, I am accused of not communicating. He uses all this to try to show me as the “alienator”, even though I have done nothing to prove this. It amazes me how he can work people and twist things around in his favor, making me look the crazy one and him like the “victim” dad. It feels like I can’t win.

    How am I supposed to handle modified contact when a court is now suggesting I do these things, and if I don’t, there is no doubt my ex will use it against me? I have a real hard time seeing him though, or even reading his attacking emails. They just make me feel powerless and helpless again. I am so strong when I am not in his presence, or near his intimidation. I really start to pull my life together and see things clearly. However, when I get back near him I turn back into myself and start to shut-down. The quanta freedom healings have allowed me to really let go of many things, especially the injustices, but it feels like the court system is not helping me at all and only empowering him. I am now a scared parent who rushes her kids to the door to try to head off another accusation that he will throw. What do I need to do to be able to be in his presence without feeling the overwhelming, almost paralyzing fear that I have of who he is?

    He knows my weakness is our children. Children he never cared much about before the divorce, but now he so desperately wants to take from me. He is abusive to them as well and they have little desire to be with him, short of their hopes that he could be the dad they really need, but he rarely gives them that. During the last court session, I was accused of being co-dependent with my children, but I don’t feel that I am. I was indeed with my ex, but I see more co-dependency with him towards them then I exhibit. I just want to get healthy and if I am co-dependent and causing my children pain, I want to fix it ASAP. How does he get into my mind and make me actually feel like perhaps I am the crazy one? Could I be “over-protecting” my kids and missing what is truly best for them? I just want my son to be in an environment that his healthy and not controlling and over-bearing. My ex is just a big bully basically to an 11-year-old who will soon be entering manhood and the trialing teen years. If it helps, I was with this man for 24 years, since I was 19 years old…. There is a lot of damage to repair obviously!

    1. Hi Angela,

      In regard to your situation what is occurring is what happens in virtually every narc court battle…

      And this is why it is so important to know where your true power is…it is not through fretting, staying ‘in your mind’ and keeping focused on ‘what is’.

      Any battle you try to win from ‘this place’ is futile and doesn’t work.

      Until you realise WHAT a powerful vibrational creator you actually are, you do not realise that the focus on ‘this is an ugly battle’…’modified contact is being used against me’…and ‘the lawyers are not helping me’…especially when charged with lots of emotional energy (which these unsettling things are) is simply attracting, holding up and fuelling more of this in your experience.

      What you need to understand is firstly the NARP healing modules do grant you relief if done regularly – which means EVERY TIME you know you are carrying fear and pain – so that you keep shifting it and shifting it..

      But the inner work is SO MUCH MORE than just getting our of the pain and gaining releif. It is about changing your inner vibration, your point of attraction and what can and can’t match up with your from ‘the outside’.

      You see Angela when you lose the focus on ‘what’s wrong’ and get into an empowered and detached vibration within yourself then these ‘things’ that are ‘wrong’ can no longer BE in your experience. Point blank!

      They will stop and the results that you do want will start unfolding in your life, but only when your vibration that you are offering to ‘life’ on these topics has changed.

      That is the what the real inner work is all about – and in the thousands of cases I have worked with I promise you this – that when the inner shift happens then the narc and what is happening STOPS – truly.

      So yes…. you do have to do these healings MUCH more regularly!

      In regards to your children – it all comes back to vibration again. It is natural for mothers to worry – but this I also promise you.

      It is impossible for you to co-create your children’s wellbeing whilst holding the vibration of fear and worry for them at the same time.

      When you see your son as being powerless and bullied -that is the vibration you offer to ‘life’ on that topic – and that is exactly what you will keep holding in place in your life experience.

      You are not helping your son by doing this.

      You can shift all of that pain and that fear out with the QFH Modules in NARP – because the longer they stay there the longer you will be living the results of this fear and pain.

      I hope I have inspired you now as to ‘why’ and ‘how’ you can now get well, take your power back and influence this sitaution for yourself and your children in a way that will work – which is always from ‘the inside out’.

      Mel xo

      1. Melanie,
        I understand I do need to keep up with all the healings more regularly. When I went into court that morning, I felt good. I thought the fears were gone. I had just redone that track the night before even (not the whole thing, just the first one), but when I saw him, it all just resurfaced. Could I have prevented that by doing the “fear” healing more often? When you say I have to do the inner work also, I’m not sure I totally understand. The healings I thought would help me change that inner vibration, or am I missing something? Is there something else I need to be doing in addition to the regular healings?

        1. Hi Angela,

          truly it is about re-working the healings over and over until you don’t have charges, until fear is gone and the outer results start reflecting your powerfulness rather than fear and powerlessness.

          We are all unique, we are all ‘an onion’ and we all have different levels and amounts of limiting beliefs. With the NARC Group people regularly post (and these are the people who have the most powerful breakthroughs) how it is not unusual before court cases to do healings modules (such as 4 and 8) every night for a forthnight, and sometimes repeat during the day as well. The key is – if there is still pain and fear – this is always an emotional signal that there is some limiting painful beleif within us (regardless of outside circumstances ‘causing it’) that can be shifted to create a more empowered personal state.

          Yes the healings are helping you – but you need to do them more. If you haven’t got the results it is because you haven’t gone deep enough or regularly enough now to find and transform the SPECIFIC reasons why you are still triggered and feeling powerless.

          Please understand this – when a painful belief shifts – if there is another one near it or under it – then that one comes up to be shifted. It is only by really going deep into the healing space, being ‘in’ our emotions and asking them ‘okay now what is this painful feeling about’ that we can claim it and transform it – and that’s what NARP is all about.

          I hope this helps

          Mel xo

          1. Mel,
            Thank you so much! Your advise makes a lot of sense and helped a lot! I did a healing shift this morning related to fear and feel so much better. However, I need to keep at it and not assume the emotion is gone, as that is very obviously not the case! One last question – any tips on how to work on these healings if you are strapped for time? With 3 kids, a night class and a full-time business to operate, time is a commodity (unless I sleep less, but if I’m very tired I can’t totally give myself to the healing anyways) I know sometimes I haven’t been able to complete the total 1.5 hour healing and then I feel like I left things behind. What do you recommend if you can only get in 1/2 hour or an hour each day? Also, when I get thru this, can I learn how to pass this wonderful healing process onto others?
            Angela

          2. Hi Angela,

            I am so glad that helped!

            Okay I would chunk the healings down – say do one or two shifts daily when you have negative emotion come up, rather than the entire healing…it is really important that you do keep donating time to self…and truly it is best to lose some sleep than be trying to operate with unresolved negative emotion going on inside you!

            In regard to QFH and NARP there is an Affiliate Program coming out soon – also I may be teaching the process in 2014.

            Mel xo

    2. I am going through terrible legal issues as well. After two years of heartache, documentation, discovering he was cheating AND stealing our money in hidden accounts, after all this, yesterday he pulled the plug and got himself a new lawyer, which will mean another round of endlessly twisted dramas. May I recommend a very useful book- along with Melanie’s amazing NARP program, which by the way, is the ONLY way I am able to access peace of mind. The book is ‘Splitting: Protecting yourself while divorcing someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder’. If your lawyer does not have a copy- buy him or her one as well. It by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. A life saver.

  15. I feel compelled to share a bit of my Narcissistic journey as my life paralleled Evy’s in many ways.

    I too was in a long term relationship of 33 years with a narcissist husband. I spent those years believing that it was my ‘job’ to ‘fix’ everything/everyone he damaged, in order to keep peace in my home.

    I couldn’t handle the malicious yelling, and the negative put-downs of our children, yet I couldn’t stand up to him. When I tried, his behavior was even worse. I was constantly ignored as if I didn’t exist when I talked to him. I would cook his favorite meals in hopes that I would be acknowledged. I would clean the floors, only to have him track across them with muddy boots. I would borrow money to cover his extravagant purchases.

    The crazy-making was horrendous. He had perfected his ability to ‘brainwash me’. Trauma Bonding was a huge part of our relationship. I endured police involvement when his crazy behaviors affected others in the community. I would believe his ‘version’ of the wrong-doing, which he ALWAYS blamed the other person, because he knew exactly what to say to me to manipulate my thoughts and my doubts.

    I began to withdraw into a shell. I no longer had friends or family I could turn to. I had been alienated and truly felt alone. I became depressed, angry and developed an eating disorder. I no longer recognized who I was when I looked in the mirror. I was scared of the woman I had become. I no longer KNEW who I was.

    One day while I was at my computer I started researching/looking for ‘something’ to help me understand ‘why’ my husband was always criticizing our children. It just didn’t make sense to me how a father could be so negative to the children he was supposed to protect. I was totally in shock when I came across the definition of a Narcissist, as it described him to perfection!

    I was excited for the first time in years, as I started researching the personality disorder. Maybe ‘I’ wasn’t ‘crazy’. Maybe it wasn’t my ‘fault’ for everything that went wrong. Through my research I found Melanie’s website and I devoured every piece of information she wrote. I was drawn to it like a magnet. I listened to her Radio programs and related to many of them. I knew she had the answers I was looking for.

    One day I listened to a version of Quanta Freedom Healing on one of her shows. I sat on my porch with a paper on my lap and followed her instructions. For the first time in my life I felt some relief from my pain! The next day, I left for work an hour early and stopped at a lake. Once again, I played the same radio show and shifted more pain. I followed this same routine for 2 more weeks. I began to feel shifts happen within me as I worked thru the layers.

    I began to look at my husband with ‘new eyes’, seeing him for the first time as the person he truly was; someone who lacked empathy and compassion for others. I knew I could no longer live in a situation where my morals were being compromised….and the answer had to come from within me. I knew I needed to heal deeper inside, so I ordered the NARP program.

    I immediately began to feel relief as I started untangling the years of abuse, and the role I played because of my unhealed parts. The answers that came to me were unbelievable! I finally found the strength to leave the relationship 7 months ago, and have had modified contact for the last 3 months. My transformation has been a miracle. Daily I find time to work the modules. Daily I heal pieces of ME, releasing old beliefs and letting go of my ties to my marriage, my husband and to everything I walked away from.

    Today, I am still a work in progress, but very much on a Thriver path. I am no longer a victim, and certainly will not walk that path again. The Narcissistic Abuse Facebook page has been an absolute lifeline for me. On the days I struggled to hold my thoughts together, they were there for me, to give encouragement. We have all been on a similar journey, so we understand each other, and the challenges we each face.

    So my advice to anyone struggling and wanting to unravel a long term narcissistic relationship is there is truly hope. The person I am today, does not resemble the person I was a year ago. I have great boundaries in place which has enabled to laugh and live a happy life again!
    Kayla

    1. Hi Kayla,
      The years go by so fast. Even though we lived as we did, there was so much else going on too. There were so many things to take care of(smiles) and time did not stand still.
      It is difficult for someone perhaps on the outside looking in to sort it all out. I’ve had family members tell me to just put my foot down and put a stop to his craziness. It was never that simple and any attempt at erecting a boundary usually just made things worse. He was determined to win at all costs…funny thing is he hasn’t won no matter what….he doesn’t have me.
      I am very much on a thriver path and I’m so looking forward to more. We deserve more….such goodness in life.

      Evy

  16. Liza on April 10, 2013 at 8:44 am said:

    Reply

    Hi Melanie…..
    my situation is just INSANE…
    if someone had told me this story, id think theyre lying to me…..im gonna try to make it short for you all…..well, i met this man while on vacation on a greek island which is where hes from…when i came back home (im from toronto,canada) he contacted me on facebook for about a year but i never really paid that much attention until one day we struck up a full conversation….over the next couple weeks wed talk on facebook or text message and i thought God had sent me the most perfect man in the entire world….we started talking on the phone and i was completely falling for everything he was telling me….to the point where he asked me to move to greece to be with him….he actually booked a ticket, came to canada to meet my mother and we went back together….
    when we got there i relized he had rented a brand new apartment for us and just from that something was telling me in my gut that somethings not right….about 2 days into being there the ‘other side” of him came out….ignored my calls, was gone all day and sometimes not coming home at night…..i was feeling soooo lonely and insecure that i was leeching on to him, and the more i did the more hed treat me horribly….about 2 weeks into being there he told me his ex girlfriend who was still obsessed with him was pregnant…i was losing my mind….he kept telling me he loved me but he had to be in touch with her to make sure “the baby” was ok…..(i forgot to mention that this man has 3 kids with a prior relationship that he neglects but tries to impregnate EVERY girl hes with…..anyways it was hell for 2 months until one day after a huge fight his ex came to our house and told me they were together the whole time i was there and he was keeping me around to get money out of me (and yes, iwas giving him money and buying everything for the house)….i lost my mind but found the courage to leave the same day and come home….stupid me kept contacting him while i was home evn tho he was being cruel to me most of the time but still giving me a little hope……even after his ex messaged me on facebook that the whole “pregnancy” story they were telling me while i was there was his idea to get rid of me but felt sorry for me to just tell me to leave straight out….he figured once i found out she was pregnant id leave on my own….
    a month after i left greece he finally called and said he made a HUGE mistake….that he was only seeing her while i was there cause she had tried to kill herself and he felt sorry for her…but he no longer was attracted to her and he would cut all ties with her if id give him another chance….
    im trying to make this short so ill just say that i did…i went back to greece and meanwhile he was sooooo good to me the whole time i was there something felt soooo wrong….i just couldnt fel the same about him…i felt and still feel sorry for him…..i stayed 2 months and i left one night while he was out….now that im home i cant help but feel soooo sad and sorry for him….he calls me and messages me that hell sell everything he has to come here and be with me…that im his life and he cant function without me , and even tho i dont want to be with him because ill never trust him, im going along with all this just to make him feel better……someone please help me…this whole situation is causing me sooooo much stress and anxiety…..
    he didnt feel sorry for me while i was there all alone while he knew my mom was going through chemo, but im feeling sorry for him like a big idiot…
    any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!

    1. Hi Liza,

      please understand I don’t want to get into the validating and focusing on the specifics of your story in any shape or form – because truly there is not one narc story that is not ‘insane’.

      And focusing on your story is not going to help you and it certainly does not do anything healthy for my vibration either.

      All of our stories had pathological behaviour, smoke screens, false promises and non accountability in the long run (regardless of the spasmodic sorries along the way) because that is what narcissism is and what narcs do…

      NOW…what is important is looking at WHY I am still hooked – why am I still feeling sorry for him when all of the evidence tells me he has abused me horrifically and I could never trust a human being capable of that behaviour again?

      This I promise you – and it was a huge wake-up call for me…that there is only a tiny amount of the population who will endure what you did, what I did, and what countless of other people have whose minds would NOT snap into the absolute 100% certainty of – THIS PERSON IS NO GOOD AND I WILL NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS AGAIN!

      What victims of narc abuse do – with the cognitive reasoning (making excuses), giving narcs chance after chance after chance – is NOT normal.

      We all have inner programs that relate to trauma bonding (Getting abuse confused with love)…and we need to FIRMLY look at and heal what it is going on within ourself that deseperately needs attention.

      How do I help you? I help you by supporting you to HELP and heal yourself…The answer I will give you is the same I give everyone…NARP…IT is the solution to these deep inner wounds…

      Mel xo

  17. Evy,
    Thank you for sharing! I felt like you were sharing some of my story (32 years). I, too had a quiet passive dad, and a mom who laid in bed with back problems so I became the one to take care of the family (at 12) and make sure everyone had what they needed, and everyone was happy. I was responsible for the success of the home as well as the one to blame if the roast was dry or the clothes not washed. I was the responsible one. (Classic recipe for co-dependency!) I so related to the mind games and emotional hurt that our spouses seemed to love to hurl our way. If I shared what I “needed” as a wife from my husband, those are the things I would NEVER receive. I would work in my garden and be so proud of flowers about to bloom, only to come home from work and see them all chopped down. Or leave for the weekend with friends and come back to find that he had thrown away keepsakes and special things that my children had made me. Just anything to make me hurt. All the hurtful words said, and NOT said. And all the time I’m always thinking that things would get better, or it might not be as bad as I think it is. It took a long time to wake up and leave. (My grown son said the EXACT same thing to me that your son said to you.) Looking back it looks so obvious and “out there”. But while in the midst of it all, the mind games reduced me to a place of no escape and no self-esteem or power to think my way out of the confusing maze. I am so grateful that God lead me to a place where I was encouraged and built up, and reminded of all the good & wonderful that was inside of me. And the icing on the cake was finding Melanie, and her believing in me, that I was worth so much more and deserved to be free from anything that would not allow me to be all that I was meant to be. I am allowed to be loved and cherished. Thanks so much Evy for sharing your story with us. It feels good to know we are not alone in this journey forward. Much love…

    1. Hi Teresa,
      You’re so welcome. What a great share and yes, there are so many of us who share the same experience. I did truly judge him from who I was as a person rather than who he was. I think this is why it took me so long to wake up. I believed that he just had emotional issues and that he would eventually get over them and everything would be OK. Healing for me has really been about taking all the patience, empathy, and positive beliefs that I held for him and turning them back and holding them for me. It is a journey for sure.
      The FB page is a wonderful place to gain new knowledge and receive support. I invite you to join us there.

      Evy

  18. Hi Evy and Melanie,

    Evy – I am so happy to hear you’re thriving after your experience. Good for you, congratulations! I loved hearing the part about how you wanted to run out the door on your wedding day…it’s like deep down we know exactly what we need to do, we just choose to ignore it sometimes. And when we do ignore it, we suffer. When we come to understand how our intuition talks to us and actually listen to it, we always come out on top. Thank goodness we have our intuition!

    I too have started the new program and I am already on module 9. I know it will be a while before I move on to module 10 because there are A LOT of self-sabotage unhealed parts I need to address. I feel like this module was the main reason for doing this program because it really is very deep for me. Discovering how many defense mechanisms I have was truly unbelievable. I feel like my whole life makes sense now! I have no idea how else you would be able to address these issues without this program because we are certainly not conscious of it. I hope you are discovering the same as you work through the program and would love to hear how you are finding it.

    Melanie – I finally got “Spiritual Partnership” by Gary Zukav last week. I am almost finished the book. I try and read a chapter a night and sometimes re read a chapter. I love how he explains the ‘shift’ you and I keep discussing. And it truly does help you understand what kind of ‘shift’ is happening in the world.

    Reading the book I can see now how painful this ‘shift’ is going to be for narcissists, but a ‘shift’ that is necessary for them to hopefully take responsibility (but it’s going to be tough and painful!). I also see now why I have gone through what I have gone through during this time. If I was still stuck in my old ways right now I would be suffering greatly.

    xoxo G

    1. Hi GA,

      lovely to have your post.

      So very true that our inution was screaming ‘No’ so many times – and absolutely all of those gut feelings came to pass…

      I’m glad you are enjoying Gary’s book! Yes this shift is happening for everyone, get out of the egoic mind and connect to ‘oneness’ and infinite intelligence which means trusting in the love of this oneness, and the connection to something so much greater than the ‘mind’….

      Trying to ‘force’ anything rather than being this faith and greater connection now is futile, and life will simple reflect back the pain of this – it is that simple…

      Huge changes for everyone, and divinity is right here, right now 🙂

      Mel xo

  19. Hi GA,
    I’m learning to honor my intuition more all the time.I think that’s part of the reason why my life seems to be getting a little easier.
    I have purchased the new program but have not started it as yet…soon. I just know it will bring me along even more just from what other gals in the FB group have shared. I too, feel as though my life is making more sense all the time.
    I invite you GA to come join the FB group. It is such a wonderful group of people there and the diversity in sharing is so good. There are people in all different places in life who view life from different perspectives. It is such a good thing.
    I have just started that book.
    I look forward to more of new life unfolding each day rather than just “dealing” as I used to.

    Evy

  20. Thank you Mel (and EVy for sharing) for describing so succinctly the difference between the personality disordered and non-disordered persons and how they tend to think/act/respond. It made clear to me – very simply – an answer to my constant struggle as to understanding ‘disordered’.

    1. Hi Anon,

      It is true that the more time we spend educating ourselves, there clearer all this becomes. I’m so glad it has helped you.

      Evy

  21. Evy,
    I just wanted to thank you for all that you shared. Some of my life parallels yours and it is nice to not feel so alone. I too knew before I got married that I was making a big mistake. I remember the night before absolutely knowing that this was wrong, but I pushed it and shoved it away and went thru with it. We got married out of state and everyone had flown in for this big event. There was no way I was going to disappoint all those people and I still truly believed I could change this man into what I needed him to be. No amount of warnings stopped me. It was ultimately my choice!

    Twenty-three years later I look back and see the journey I elected to walk. I have three beautiful children who remain confused about their father as well. That is their journey. They wanted me to leave quite often, but I hung on for them, out of pure obligation, but also that distorted thinking that believed he could change. He will change. Love will fix this. It never worked, but not because love failed, but because it was never really genuine love in the first place. He ended up leaving me and then began a smear campaign and disruptions left and right to make sure everyone believed I was horrible to be married to and that’s why he needed to leave. Somehow he forgot about all his addictions he brought to the table, or the neglect or that he was responsible in any way for its failing. His leaving left scars on all of us, but those scars give us beauty and character and his staying would have left more in the long-run.

    Though my children and I are all still climbing out of this pit, our life is slowly getting better. The healings have been a tremendous help, even though this week, I truly slipped backward after a court date which opened up an unbridled amount of fear I had never really recognized within me. It opened my eyes though and made me realize the importance of regular, consistent healings. I believe all this had to happen to truly find myself, but I am closer to the path of my true identity and this excites me beyond belief! Oh the plans God has for me!

    Anyways, thanks for sharing your story, and just listening to a piece of mine. One day I hope I will be healed to the point where I can truly touch the lives of others and show them how to get out of the endless vibrations that muddle us up and stifle our growth. 🙂

  22. You’re welcome Angela. It is about taking responsibility and your words “the journey I elected to walk” show that you have done that.

    I can say today that I’m grateful for my experience and that I am open to the Universe using me and my experience to heal others.

    I invite you Angela to come and join the FB group as it is such a great community.

    Evy

  23. Does it ever really get better!! I’m currently going through a very nasty separation from my narc husband of 21 years. I’ve been thrown out of the family home with 2 kids, no car, no money, no home . No one believes what I’ve been through and what I’m still going through. I’ve had death threats, stalking you name it but can’t get a VRO! He’s even got a girlfriend (it’s been 6 months since we split) yet I’m trying to work out what I did wrong. According to him I caused all of this because if only I wasn’t a social misfit, if only I smiled more, if only I did this or that better. But yet he became addicted to drugs and lost not only our business but all our savings as well, which of course is all my fault. So here I am at absolute rock bottom, although ever time I think it can’t get worse it does. Is it really possible to ever recover cause I’m really not in a good place at the moment.

  24. Yes Donna….it does truly get better. I’m also going through a divorce and he’s pulling many tricks. I stay focused on my truth and healing.I too, have experienced what it is like when people cannot understand what we’ve been through. I’ve dealt with the stalking etc also. I hit rock bottom last summer when I had an episode of paranoid psychosis.
    But the beauty of it all is how it caused me to change and heal. I will always need healing but I am no longer in the despair that I once was. Have you visited Melanie’s Website. Education empowers us and helps us to our feet as we new insights. Also, NARP healed me which in turn brought me to a place where I am no longer on his radar. I just really want to encourage you to put one foot infront of the other….baby steps are OK and work to make change and heal from within. It is then that our outside life changes. Please consider joining the FB group for the much needed support that healing from this kind of abuse requires. Hope to meet you there.

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