I’m really excited today about talking to you about the 4 Key Stages to Healing after narcissistic abuse, because I believe there needs to be some much-needed awareness around this. I would like to put under a microscope why the old stages of healing are flawed and why they don’t grant victims of narcissistic abuse true evolution and healing, compared to the revolutionary Thriver Way to heal which does.
The old systems and the new Thriver stage of healing after narcissistic abuse are in agreeance about these 4 main stages of recovery yet their reasons and the way they are carried out are very different.
Let’s investigate.
Stage 1: No Contact
Absolutely, No Contact (or strict Modified Contact such as in the case of parallel-parenting) is the number one thing anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse needs to do to have any chance of recovery. This vital first stage to healing after narcissistic abuse is so that a person can get off the battlefield where they are sustaining trauma after trauma and start to learn how to heal.
What I find missing in this step of contemporary recovery, is the deeper understanding of what No Contact really is.
It can’t just be physical No Contact.
Narcissistic abuse is a spiritual/energetic/psychic phenomenon. Narcissists are energy vampires and they are getting an energy feed off you with ANY emotional energy you grant them in any shape or form.
After being traumatically abused, the abuse lives on inside you as if it has a life of its own. Even if you have gone No Contact it’s likely that you will still feel like you are in the thick of abuse, plus there is also a chemical addiction withdrawal to the narcissist going on which is horrific. This is your body and brain trying to force you to reconnect back to the source of the peptides (emotional cocktails) that your cellular being is hooked on.
The standard No Contact stage of healing after narcissistic abuse includes these issues: a belief that staying away physically should be enough to get well, and the non-recognition or treatment of the peptide addiction, meaning that the victim suffers horrific addictive pulls to the narcissist (even if just as obsessive thoughts) that feel almost impossible to overcome.
In standard No Contact, where the mental, emotional and psychic connection to the narcissist is not being addressed and released from within ourselves, the breaking of No Contact is usual, in fact probable. Additionally, if there is not enough emphasis on blocking all contact, and letting go of all involvement, interest or checking up on the narcissist whatsoever, there is a real danger to get hooked back in.
What is really required is knowing how vital all of these actions are because of the energetic, emotional component that needs to be dissolved.
I have also found that there is a lack of preparation or treatment for the inevitable after-shock that hits victims hard, means they feel worse when out of the relationship than they did in it (due to a fully activated peptide addiction) and this can be a real danger time where they go back or break down making future recovery even more arduous.
In contrast, the Thriver Way to do No Contact addresses what is required for No Contact to hold and be as it is intended to be – grant the space to heal.
This can only work if we treat the feelings of addiction by quickly getting into our bodies to start becoming a sound, comforting and more solid source to ourselves so that we can get through the horror and out to the other side.
First of all, we need to accept that the enmeshment with a narcissist primarily is emotional and physical. This is no less than a psychic takeover and even though physical distance is vital, if we don’t get the emotional and psychic aspect of it right we are prone to break no contact, and/or remain traumatised, terrified, heartbroken and keep handing the narcissist our pain and fear to defeat us in court or with other matters, severely diminishing our ability to get on with and generate our True Self and True Life.
In no shape or form does just a physical No Contact create a Thriver Recovery.
Thriver No Contact entails a removal of ALL energy. Which means no physical contact (or very strict modified contact through 3rd parties if necessary).
No Contact also means NO checking up, asking people about or stalking on social media.
What is really required is a letting go of all common threads and connections.
This person is also blocked in every way possible so that we are never expecting a contact, and if this person finds a way to contact you don’t respond and then block that line of contact again, or take out an intervention order which means ‘Do NOT contact me.’
What is also vitally necessary is: strict No Contact with one’s own mind. ‘I am not going to think about this person, instead, I will use the NARP Modules to come into my body and release the trauma from inside me associated with these thoughts’.
By adopting this self-devoted practice, the obsession and pulls start melting away very quickly, and we become empowered on these topics and areas we were continually thinking about.
By addressing the deeper issues with narcissistic abuse and having the emotional Quantum tools in place to deal with these deadly enmeshments, as well as addictive feelings and pulls, generally a much more powerful and straight line of recovery and dealing with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse occurs.
If there is a slip up on breaking No Contact, the tools and processes are in place to be able to find the associated trauma that was generating that momentary powerlessness inside, release it, and then go up higher into an even more powerful state of self than previously.
Stage 2: Taking Radical Personal Responsibility
After narcissistic abuse, there has been so much projected onto you that it is usual to feel defective and wrong. You were probably convinced that you were to blame for a great deal of the relationship.
It truly is such a relief when we DO discover information about narcissists that helps us realise that there is a name for this insanity and that we are not going mad!
You will have absolutely no argument from me whatsoever that this is a very important part of the healing process, but I want you to know with every fibre of my being, in no way is this the complete answer to recovery.
This second stage of recovery after narcissistic abuse is one we have to get very clear about because if we assign focus and blame to narcissists and keep looking outwards, we are going to be in for a very hard time.
In no way does doing this heal your traumatised Inner Being or abuse programs.
Demonising narcissists doesn’t make you well. That’s like taking poison every day and hoping the other person will be exterminated.
In the Thriver Way to heal the following is what we embody as our truth:
‘If the trauma is inside my Being, then I am the only person, as an adult, who can take the responsibility to heal it. It is only me who can meet it and do the work inside my Inner Being no matter who did this, how it got there or what it is about.’
And …
‘I am my own saviour and no more am I going to be stuck in the powerless victimisation of trying to force damaged others to fix me. In my Thriver Life I am going to become a self-generative source of my own healing and Thriving regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing … and SO it IS!’
I really want you to know that is freedom, because no longer do you have to wait. You CAN start getting better now!
There are HUGE differences between the words ‘Responsibility’ and ‘Blame’. As Thrivers we are not taking the blame! Rather, we are taking radical personal responsibility (our power back) to FINALLY heal our lives.
Now let’s look at the 3nd key stage of healing after narcissistic abuse.
Stage 3: Start Releasing the Trauma
The third of the key stages of healing after narcissistic abuse is very important. Especially, once we have detached and got some space from the narcissist, the almighty peptide addiction is going to hit VERY hard.
This is when people can feel like they are losing their mind. I wrote about in my book You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse, when Kevin felt like he was madly in love with his ex-partner because he couldn’t stop missing her, and how Margaret literally felt like she was losing her mind when she finally got out.
I remember all those years ago when I did (on one occasion) get very clear that I needed to go No Contact, stay away and keep away, and my therapist told me “This is wonderful you have broken through, you get it!”
Yet, nothing could have been further from the truth. Before long, my body chemically (because of not getting its hit of the chemicals it was addictively craving: abuse, victimisation and the horror of powerlessness) had me thinking about him again. Wanting to reconnect, wanting to get closure, justice, reconciliation, his love (the list goes on and on).
Because I didn’t yet know how to get the trauma out of my cells in order to have space for real recovery, which is wellbeing and the resolution of my broken and traumatising belief systems and wounds, I was defaulting back to what my entire cellular being was hooked on … him … and the emotional charges he produced within me.
Of course, I broke No Contact repetitively.
Most people in the contemporary way of trying to recover do that often too.
And here’s the thing, we know we are clogged up with more trauma than we can handle. We can barely eat, sleep or function by the time we are either cruelly discarded or we have somehow crawled away because finally, the horror of staying has become worse than the terror of leaving.
Yet, we may believe what we were contemporarily told to do, which is ‘talk it out’ to people about what happened to us.
Yes, it’s so important to come out of the shame of our shadows and share and know that we’re not alone. But what we do need to know is this: sharing our war stories with others who are also sharing their war stories means we get further cemented in our war stories.
And this is very tempting, because other people in your life who have no idea of the deep soul violation of narcissistic abuse truly get sick of hearing about it. They can’t possibly understand what it is like or what you are going through.
Yet, even though you have this avenue through Abuse Forums and the general consensus which is: ‘spend years talking about it to detox it’, neuroscience now shows us that this is fact reinforcing brain pathways that are victimised.
And, they are right! Devastatingly, the real-life proof is there for all to see. Abuse Forums are full of people who have been there for years, whose Inner Identity is fully identified in telling their story over and over again, with no shift into a healthy life whatsoever. These people are not getting well, in fact as time goes on, they get sicker.
This is the truth in regard to our inner healing necessity – unless we get a shift in our subconscious (Inner Identity) to become a different self, the peptide addiction to negative emotions remains unchecked and increases over time. Whatever peptide, large emotional doses, the cells of our body receive, as each cell divides the number of docking points to receive that exact emotional cocktail multiply.
As a result, these people are ‘abuse victims’ disintegrating rather than getting the shift that would integrate them back to themselves and up and beyond their abuse patterns.
The Thriver Way to release trauma from abuse is completely different, and it’s a way of releasing your woundedness that works for real.
It involves using the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and applying the Quanta Freedom Healing Modules within it to access the traumas in our subconscious programs (that exist throughout our entire cellular network). By doing so we load up the toxicity of these traumas, release them from ourselves, create space and then replace them with our Higher Self (our Superconscious) that can heal what our limited cognitive mind doesn’t have the power to.
This provides a real shift into relief and peace inside, and then our brain follows, which means that because we have become different, we automatically think differently. (The brain follows the Inner Being/body always.)
There are two incredible benefits of doing this third stage of recovery after narcissistic abuse, releasing the trauma in a way that works and cuts out all the ongoing regurgitation and cementing of further victimisation.
Firstly, the pain, trauma and addiction start to dissolve immediately, as does the abuse symptoms that we are suffering such as PTSD, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, adrenal fatigue and the like. This happens because our cellular being starting to shed trauma starts resetting our entire Being to healing and well-being.
Then, the second incredible benefit is that we are no longer ‘dissolving’ and further ’disintegrating’ as a self. Rather, as a result of locating and releasing not just the present-day traumas, but also the epigenetic, past life and childhood ones, that are all the unconscious reasons we are still in repeat abuse, we are integrating back to self.
This means we have started evolving beyond our previous abuse program and patterns.
Without our traumas corrupting our True Self, we start emerging as self-partnered and self-generative and no longer seeking love, approval, security and survival outside of ourselves.
This means we now show up authentically, we no longer hand power away trying to get people to love us and be safe. We became a self who knows there are plenty of resources and people in life to generate with and we can leave alone those people and things that are not a match for our new and healing solid Inner Identity.
Stage 4: Ensuring You are Never Abused Again
This fourth stage of vital recovery after narcissistic abuse was contemporarily about learning all there is about toxic people and narcissists to try to avoid them in the future.
If only this worked!
I can’t tell you the amount of people I’ve met over the years who have been taken down by subsequent narcissists despite being incredibly learned experts on everything there is to know about narcissists.
This is the thing, all our brain pathways form around our Inner Identity beliefs. If we still have faulty and traumatised ones, our mind will come up with thoughts that dismiss the ‘gut warning’, make excuses and reconnect us with the exact match of the still existing painful belief.
Take for example my second narcissistic abuse experience. Here is was a world narcissistic expert, yet I was taken in by a very cunning altruistic narcissist who appeared to be all the things that the first narcissist wasn’t.
Yet, he did a very cruel abandonment trick very early in the relationship, where my three-year-old wound (that I hadn’t healed to completion yet) was fully activated and clung to him and handed power over. From that moment on I was in an abusive relationship making excuses.
Since healing that wound, I have graduated many times from that being the case again (running towards someone being cruel and horrible) and now this pattern doesn’t exist in my life.
The other thing we may fall into the trap of doing is believe that defences and being FULLY on guard is the way to go.
I want you to imagine this: closing the shutters down on a house when it has terrible mould and toxins trapped inside. Everyone just gets sicker within those metaphoric four walls! And that’s what happens, people report that there is no way they will risk trusting someone and getting into a relationship again. They don’t trust people, life and themselves and it’s a terrible way to live.
Life has lost joy for them.
It’s horrible and painful.
Or if people DO venture out and try to open up to love again, without doing the inner work, exactly the thing they think they are protecting themselves from ends up in their life again. And of course, this further cements the inner traumas that have not been healed yet.
In stark contrast, when we commit to a Thriver Recovery our real job is to get the mould and the toxins out from within our dwelling (our Inner Being) and then be so empowered, radiant and authentic that no False Self can ever take us down again.
And I promise you they can’t, when we have no fears or painful programs that they can use against us.
What True Recovery Looks Like
The wonders and joy of the Thriver Way of recovery is that we have committed to our inner work and the releasing and up-levelling of our previous traumas and subconscious painful programs into healthy and empowered ones. This becomes a wonderful self-devoted lifestyle.
In this way of living, we want development, expansion and freedom. We have stopped trying to learn about, lecture and prescribe to, navigate, or fix and change the billions of other people in the world.
Instead, we work on the one person we can, ourselves, to break out of co-dependent patterns that are the perfect match for narcissists in toxic relationships with them.
I love that as Thrivers we are creating a different way of being, feeling, thinking and living for ourselves, our children and our future generations.
Truly, this does create a reality free of abuse.
I hope you have enjoyed this article the 4 Key Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse, and that it has cleared up the difference between the old and new paradigms of healing for you.
Maybe you have been in this Community for a while, accessing my informational resources, yet you know it’s time to start the real inner work to transform at the only level it can really take place and hold, within your Inner Being.
If this is you, then my highest recommendation is to take a look at the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program which to date has helped 20,000 people from all over the world not just survive abuse, but thrive in their new abuse-free lives.
As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions about this article.
Has anyone else felt physically ill after doing Quanta Freedom Healing? I felt really nauseous 1/2 way through a session and I had to stop the session. Just curious.
Hi Michelle,
Yes this certainly can happen, as a result of the toxins connecting with trauma being drawn up and out of your cells to be released.
What you do with a Module 1 work to overcome this, is set the intention to ‘target the trauma in your body that is generating the nausea’.
Somewhere in your body will light up. Then load that as per normal and follow through with the QFH process and the nausea should be gone. Then you can continue with what you are working on.
Please also know that any specific question about your NARP work can be assisted in The NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps, you should be nausea free soon!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Melania,
Are your articles helpful to daughters of narcissistic mother’s? My issue is not with a romantic partner but with a very narcissistic personality disordered mother. Thanks.
Hi Peggy,
Yes absolutely they are, all of the healing resources are for any type of n abuse.
Also if you google my name + narcissistic mothers you will find information specifically on this topic.
I hope that helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have just read this again and am feeling quite nauseous now.
Hi Melanie, if it’s your own child that is toxic and abusive does the no contact still apply? We have had a rough relationship as I have tried to fix her addictions enabling rescuing just like my parents did with me until they finally had enough and cut me off completely till I got sober which was 19yrs ago
Luisa,
I have experienced similarities in your statement that mentioned toxic adult children and addiction. You also mentioned you yourself have been sober 19 years. We have suffered as Mothers resulting in our addiction; and our children have suffered as a result of our sickness and addiction. We must be compassionate, understanding, and patient, towards our selves and our Adult children. Healing is a gradual process. I limit my contact. I give us all personal space; yet, I remain present in their lives. With adult children it is like a dance between holding on and letting go and trying not to step on toes 🙂 <3
I felt the same thing…felt really good during my mini healing, and then right after was nauseous and vomiting and I had to rest for an hour. I was vomiting black…I saw it as the toxins leaving my body.
In ending my relationship, my relationship with my daughter ended, and now every aspect of my daughter and our relationship mirrors her mother’s and mine.
Hi Mark,
I have a daughter and a son. My relationship with my daughter now mirrors the relationship with my ex too. For some reason my relationship with my son was never as badly affected.
I expect my relationship with my daughter will heal as I continue to work on healing my inner wounds and should shift the way my daughter relates to me.
I understand how painful it is to experience a child who loved you joyfully and unconditionally and now relates to you like you are the enemy and worse seems to want to hurt and persecute you.
The ongoing struggle for me is to keep believing my daughter is an innocent victim. But I guess the law of the universe is that those we love will “mirror” to us our inner woundedness. If you no longer love your wife but still love your daughter then it makes sense (I just figured this out!) that she is the person who is now the “primary mirror” for your inner state.
Heal all inner wounds and there need be no one ‘out there’ to mirror back to us our inner woundedness. I hope this helps.
Thank you! This is SO helpful! Two months into having left a 25 year marriage, my younger adult son remains in the home with girlfriend and my beautiful granddaughter. It appears, now that I have left, narc father has “miraculously changed” and is “loving, supportive” etc. and the In-laws, who used to be a source of deception, pain and toxic behavior have also become “loving and supportive” as they all join together to help care for baby, have meals and go on fun family outings…Obviously the very thing I desired but was not receiving.
I love the reminder of “so within, so without” as that seems to take on new meaning on a regular basis…. Thank you again for this post… I will continue taking this to modules, and focus on taking care of and loving myself. Blessings….
Hi Angie,
I’m so pleased this has helped.
Keep healing darling lady … and I’m so pleased that you are NARPing.
It will help so much
Love and breakthroughs to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mark, it is so hurtful when this happens with your own children. When healing your trauma and it is for your partner, when you do the inner work you do not react direct. They then pull in others around you, by text, media or directly being nice to them. All of this is for a reaction and an opening of that terrible wound you are healing. If you are pulled in through your ex involving your daughter, remember they stop at nothing, even using their nearest and dearest, then the fear of losing your daughter and all the other fears in recovery, you are on the same path. This happened to me with my adult children, also lots of close family and friends. As I carried on inner work and trusting Melanie’s programme, I realised there are so many people around me that I have fitted in with the games the play. Now I do not fit in, as I stand back, breath, no reaction to anyone’s action. If you are going within, healing your inner wounds, you lose so many people as you no longer align to their needs, only your true soul. After the isolation and pain, you notice the true good people, plus meet people that believe in you, which you will not have been used to. It works, it’s lonely and painful, the future does look brighter though and your mind becomes clear and your own. Good luck
Please don’t print what I have to say to you now to any other people; thank you!
It was a “God Thing” you sent me this writing today. I had my mother & my sister send me a birthday card & short letter this month. I had been told by my brother, our mom & sister were going to change their tactics, in how they were going to contact me at the time of my birthday. I had given my mother & my sister boundaries, after my dad passed away from a second round of Cancer. I always had to take care of my brother-which I enjoyed-because he & I are very much alike. When dad was alive, I was given the job of Executer for my mother, which I was willing to do. I have always been the most responsible of us 3 siblings. After dad died, my mother & sister said they wanted my brother to be executer, not me. This was fine with me, as I was only willing to be Executer, for the sake of my dad wanting me to do it. My dad treated me a little better, than did my mom or sister. I willingly signed the papers for my brother to be Executer. I trust my brother completely & he is more strong in defending himself with words. I knew this would help me have stronger boundaries with my mom & sister. My mother & sister have been trying to manipulate my brother, to do what isn’t the right thing to do, in even disobeying laws, etc. My brother had the feeling they were going to be real nice to me, to now get me to be the Executer because they feel they could manipulate me, more than my brother. I have had 1 telephone call from my sister already, asking if we could talk on the telephone, just 1 call a month to have a sister to sister relationship again. I told her no; I had enough going on in my life & I wasn’t interested. With your “4 Key Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse” it was reinforced to me, I have not healed completely from the Narcissism received from my parents & sister. This was great information to reinforce to me what I need to continue to do. I thank you so much for having this resource for me. I wish to continue with your program of sending these to me, as I think I will need them all my life! As long as you are willing to send me your free information, I am certainly grateful for your writing: so priviledged to receive your helpful information. I am a dedicated Christian which is also very helpful to me, as is my husband. I do pray for you too; as I am a prayer warrior. I know you are a very wise woman. I also feel God is directing you in your work because you are a real blessing to me. I also told my brother about your writing; so he could better understand our dysfunctional family. I wish you the very best Melanie Tonia Evans! God bless you & your loved ones abundantly is my fervant prayer for you! Sincerely, Carolyn
Hi Carolyn,
Please know that is never done without sought permission!
I am so pleased this has helped you with your boundaries and truth.
Many blessings and much love to you and thank you for your prayers.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Wow Carolyn, I so needed this from Melanie, also to take time and read the threads. Mark’s was something I am currently coming out, I think, the other side of. Your post is what I have experienced with my siblings with our Mum’s LPA and my elder sister is the executor of same., who is the same as my very close loved family, manipulative narcistic family and life lesson. It feels like I’m jumping into everyone’s pain and story, the truth is when you start recovery with Melanie all the truth of people and dysfunctional family, friends, patterns jump right out. You cannot tell people around, as they would think you are as mad, sad or deluded as the ones in your life are all consciously or unconsciously playing their parts in the drama. Their choice but going within, aligning with the programme of narp and Melanie, praying and joining with love from the universe, you rise through the debris that you are weak and underneath of. Time to heal. I count my blessings and count Melanie more then once a day. Where I could have ended up without her is so bad. Opened my mind so much and I can see narp personalities everywhere now. I’m just not playing the game. Much love to you, keep on thriving, it’s the only thing to do – as Melanie says 🙏💕
so Excited to get your new book “ You can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse” yesterday Mel! Reading it today and loving it. Love holding it 💝💝 It has a beautiful energy. Thinking of all the healing it will bring to everyone who receives it makes me smile.! And all the healing your work has already granted me. 🌟💛 Melanie huge congratulations on your hard work . it’s a pure and healing gift to the world . .i know I will always cherish mine . sending hugs and blessings your way xxxx val
Awwww Val,
That’s beautiful you love it!
Thank you for your lovely comment and always unwavering support.
So much love to you Val ❤️
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie!
I also love your writing. You speak from your heart and I need an authentic person like you to show me the pathway to healing. I have been harassed by my ex boyfriend since we split up. He won’t let up on trying to make me feel bad about the restraining order I filed back in Jan of this year, plus he has a warrant out for his arrest for violating the restraining order. He lives on the opposite side of the country. However, I’m the one taking care of our babies ages 15 mo. And 2 mo. old and he calls me a dead beat Mom and a piece of s*** and how everything is my fault and I’m hurting the babies by not allowing him in their lives. He has court ordered supervised visitation with the 15 mo old, but that didn’t work out because he got suspended from the facility and moved away. I’ve noticed for quite some time though a bunch of strongholds have built up in my life with my ex husband like life doesn’t want me to be happy, because every time I do something fun, something goes wrong or ends in disaster. I can’t obtain what I want because something happens. It’s so weird! I know I have a lot of emotional trauma. I’ve internalized my Mother being abused growing up by my narcissistic Father. I’m so tired. I really want to purchase your NARP program but not having a reliable computer is preventing me from doing so. I’m going to find a way though!
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you and I’m so pleased my writing helps.
That’s great for you and your precious babies that you are going to take the inner journey to heal your subconscious programs.
That really is where the big shifts and changes start.
You’ve got this, and myself and the NARP community will be there to help support you all the way.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi,
I am skeptical about the quanta freedom healing. I have signed up and used it a few times. I am probably still in logical mind. I have kids and absolutely NO help with them so I find the length of time of these modules not doable and fall asleep at night trying to do them.
I do want healing as my narc is dragging me through court and all the nasty lies and manipulations continue there with shocking results to the point I think it’s a fix.
Is there a shorter healing module you could do that could be effective?
Hi Fiona,
Have you tried the shorter version of Module 1?
Someone also suggested playing the modules while you sleep if you don’t have time/energy to do them in the week, until you have time on the weekend to work through them.
x
Hi Fiona,
As suggested you could try Module 1 shortened version.
Also please know there is great support and suggestions for you in the NARP Forum to assist with your breakthrough.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Fiona,
Melanie mentions the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza often. He’s a scientist. He explains, in a very specific, scientific way about releasing energy by changing beliefs that are physically wired in the brain that causes us to react the same way repeatedly to our external environment. Perhaps if you could visually see what the brain is doing energetically every time we have an experience (whether internal or external) it could help you surrender into the modules easier? He has lots of YouTube videos.
Emotionally experiencing the visuals in the modules can be incredibly powerful. When I first started the modules and Melanie said to “hold the little YOU” I had to hold a pillow because I needed something physical to pretend I was holding myself as the little child I was and I let myself give into it completely with no judgment at all and held her/me lovingly and even stroked her head in my mind. It brought tears to my eyes. I even had “her” look up at me and me down at her so as to see the look of compassion and gratitude on each other’s face. Every time I held her she got stronger and stronger and I got stronger and stronger. I didn’t even realize in the beginning that not only was the modules helping me release trauma, but they were also helping me experience unconditional love for myself. I strongly believe that your logical mind will appreciate Dr. Joe Dispenza and it will greatly help you connect with the energetic power of the modules.
Much love to you.
I have been a Narper since 2015 and now a blessed THRIVER….I seriously pkugged in and did this work every day for 2 years with life changing results……and now I also do Dr Joe’s work. However trauma MUST be released to unblock our energy flow and whilst Dr Joe’s work is excellent and has taken me to another level of evolution and healing working his course and meditations, plus NARP when needed….imho Narp must be done first …. his work adds another dimension of consciousness. Doing Narp and later adding his work to this, is just incredible…..BUT NARP FIRST THOROUGHLY AND ALWAYS NARP FIRST…..then add BUT NEVER PUT ANYTHING BEFORE NARP.
Thank you. By looking inward to heal instead of outward and trying heal/fix the narcissist, I am empowered to change my life and heal. Now when I start obsessing and reliving past trauma, I ask myself what that is that about and through the program I explore inward to release and heal from it.
Hi K,
That’s fabulous and it absolutely changes everything!
What you are doing is pure evolution – right there!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie
Thank you for this insightful article which is so clear and so deep.
Coming from narcissistic parents and then going into the world, I relate so much to the pain of the relationships with the men in my life that you describe. It is so true when you say “the horror of staying has become worse than the terror of leaving” which I experienced several times but it was the loneliness of talking with people “who have no idea of the deep soul violation of narcissistic abuse” that was terrible.
I am so grateful to you for being who you are and bringing this healing programme to me now. It is a new beginning for me and at this stage I have no idea what and who I will become but you are my inspiration and I thank you for leading the way.
With love
Reena xxx
Dear Reena , your message touched my heart , it’s so beautifully expressed. I feel you were born to thrive…🌟like you, I had a mother with NPD and went on to an adult intimate relationship…a masterclass in accumulated trauma. yet now I know it was all meant to be to help me evolve and grow beyond the inner identity I lived of always believing at the deepest level that I was not good enough/ unloveable/ unworthy/ didn’t belong anywhere with anyone etc etc. Finding Melanie and her work / resources led me to what I never thought possible. Escaping that inner torment and pain I had lived with for 50 + years and healing it and finding inner peace. It’s a ongoing journey and discovery process for me yet meeting my true self is the most wonderful thing. sending you love, Light and blessings for your healing journey 🌟💛🙏🌺
Dear Val, thank you for your comment. It was so lovely to read it and I felt this Sunday morning that there was a soul sister out there who also knew this path that contacted me.
At this stage, I am 67 and have had a path of healing to try and understand what had happened and why I couldn’t make my life work for me? So to come to NARP this year has been a God send. I have realised I had no inner identity and the 2 year old was battered into submission to my NPD mother.
I am still coming into my body and with this work I will know who that 2 year old was meant to be.
With love to you.
Reena xxx
Hi Reena,
It’s beautiful that you are on this journey inwards to heal you, and you are doing an amazing job.
It’s all going to come together for you, absolutely!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I also fall asleep during Module 1 at least 45 mins in, I havent been sticking to Modified Contact as I keep reliving the scenarios and lies in my head over and over again plus we speak as it relates to our son. He has moved on with the person he cheated on me with and it’s like I can’t resist the urge to know what’s going on with them. It hurts me more but I’m curious abt him and on some days I miss the person I met. I also get very triggered if someone says his name…I know I have to let go and heal but it’s extremely hard. HELPPPP!
Hi Shar,
I can’t suggest enough for you to be in the NARP Forum reaching out for that support and guidance.
We can help you, but you need to take that step http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have tried to leave a toxic relationship for many years and even got as far as decri nisei last year and court for financial settlement, nut the pressure and reassurance from my husband I stopped proceedings. One year later I find myself back to square one and emotionally ill. I feel a failure and weaker, having just read this 4 stages of healing makes me want to break away again. I have also just read a book called feel the fear and do it anyway which was also inspiring. One year down the road I can truly say that after a period of effort nice holidays I’m back to square one.
Thank you for this article
Janet
Hi Janet,
This truly is the hallmark of toxic relationships- they don’t get better.
The inner work helps so much to help identify and release what keeps us stuck.
Please know there have been many people successfully work with NARP whilst still in the relationship.
You can do this Janet!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
My daughter has just left her narcist … Haven.t seen her the past 9 months … spoke to her on the phone her mood swings are awful ..i.ve got to say what she wants to hear and not say too much .. which ended up with her still not wanting to see me , as she needs rest and has to work on recovering .. finding this so difficult as a mum when all i really want is to help her .. is this a normal reaction . ? …
Hi Yvon,
I really do believe after N abuse we don’t know who can even begin to understand or support us.
Plus there is so much shame and feelings of low self worth – such a fragility.
Tell her you love her, that you are there for her when she is ready to talk and connect.
It’s very important that you don’t make it about you, because that would only push her away more.
And try to feel her within yourself as finding her way and getting well. Where your energy goes regarding her, hers will follow.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie <3
I can't say for sure that my partner is a Narc (because I don't know anything for sure anymore) but I recognize myself almost 100% in the description of the Narc victim. I don't want anything more than to leave him forever but when I do (5th time this time) my life crashes: ANXIETY all the time, start to remember how "wonderful" he is, stressed out and just feel so BAD all the time. I'm starting to think that my life is hopeless: I HATE being with him but when I leave my life (emotions, well being and even my physique ) becomes horrible. Hard to admit but I even consider suicide at times because I don't see any solution.
WHY is it like this? I feel so stupid that I can't seem to exist without my abusor, and clearly not with him as well.
Do you think the NARP is for me?
You'll have to excuse my English, I'm from Sweden and struggle a bit with it 🙂
Hi Isabelle,
Sweetheart NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp truly is for everyone needing to heal interpersonal painful relationships or trauma.
100 percent it is exactly what can help you heal.
Sending love, healing and breakthrough to you.
Mel 🙏💞💛
I am nervous to go to the 2nd healing module. I feel like I’ll never know when I’ve done module 1 enough. I bounce back between being hopeful that I will actually be capable of moving on, to thinking that this is just who I am.
At this time of feeling hurt and traumatized by this narcissistic experience, I am in the throws of realizing I may never be able to be a mother. With this narcissist, I became pregnant, with twins, and miscarried both. This man is younger than me, and after these dreaded losses, I stayed with him openly to try and conceive again. It didn’t happen. I left again, with what seems to be the last time, 2 weeks ago, after another somewhat-normal let down by him, and now I am all over the place inside. My heart hurts, for these past two years of loss, and then this huge deep loss that I can’t and don’t want to face, but know that I am powerless to.
It’s a gray season here, winter, and I keep getting cold sore flare-ups that literally won’t stop, and I see my age all of a sudden being more real than ever. I really don’t have anyone, and it’s strange in a way that this program, and someone I’ve never met is actually my closest means to true support. I’m sad, and I feel so heavy.
Hi Terry,
I understand where you are coming from. The more you heal, the more it makes space for the good to enter your life and someone who loves and respects you. Keep on your healing journey because you deserve to live a life of happiness and wholeness.
Dear Terry , I’m so sorry to read what you’ve been through . Miscarriage can be such an overwhelming lonely grief. I’m sending you big hugs. Can I say it’s very normal to feel and be alone and isolated when we leave these relationships…I was too and I know many others are too…it’s part of the damage and isolation of the relationship. Yet you can trust the amazing support and understanding Melanie and this community give. It’s so much more real than what we’ve lived with narcissistic people . This is time now to grow in trusting and being with yourself too Terry. I found facing this terrifying at first and locked my computer and modules in my spare room for months at one point.! Couldn’t/ wouldn’t go in that room. Eventually, I realised “ the only person we can ever change or affect is ourselves” as Mel says…that’s where it all happens and miracles start happening. Are you in Melanie’s private forum Terry? There you can work through anything that comes up for you with the modules , you are never alone with it and that support can be like a Light in the darkness. You will get through this Terry and find the peace and new beginnings that come with healing . Trust that, and trust that we are here with you, as you do you will grow in trusting yourself . xx🌺💛
Hi Terry,
Sweetheart please know that we are all here for you.
Can you please reach out in the NARP Forum so that we can help support you at this time?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Sending you lots of healing, strength and breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi i have been doing the narp programme for nearly a year i cannot express enough how much Melanie has helped me i wouldn’t have made it without her ..I am now on my own managing ..working and surviving ..I realise i am not going to die as I always thought without this person in my life ..life is good Thank you Melanie xx
Awww Catherine,
I am so happy for you that you have broken through.
It’s my pleasure and keep up the great healing work.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi, been out of a narcissist relationship for 2 + yrs. Come to a point I’m almost glad this happened, it is an accumulation of past trauma come to a head. I can see the writing on the wall now. I now realize this has been with me my whole life, I seem to be at a standstill, fearful of moving forward, fearful of repeating or entering into another potential disaster. I’ve had a couple of close run-ins, which means I’m still doing something that attracts these idiots, I’ve dropped them cold turkey to where they’re violently angry and I don’t give a f*ck. Having problems getting to happiness, trusting again, being that happy loving soul instead of one bitter, suspicious one. How to move on?
Hi Swsun,
I hear you and I know how frustrating it is … after having lived this myself until doing Thriver Healing.
How to move on is by accessing and releasing the trauma – which is what my NARP program does, hence why it has created unprecedented healing from abuse programs for me and so many others.
You can check it out here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Rich H
December 5,2018
I liked Sally’s Dec. comments about the children of N. And I love the NARP Program and all that Melanie has provided us with
My N is originally from another country and lives in our house with her daughter who is visiting for 6 months.
I left the house 7 months ago and am trying to go no contact and focusing more on no Emotional contact as well as physical.
I can hardly relate now with my visiting stepdaughter who is strongly under her mother’s spell even though I paid for most of her daughter’s
6 years of college and apartment. I am also letting go of fixing up the house for selling and have depleted a vast majority of my retirement
over the 12 years in this relationship. I now realize I put myself exactly where I am at, and Now I’m feeling more and more empowered
working the NARP modules. N is also TRYING to mess up the divorce proceedings. Lastly I am chronologically in my 70’s,
working 1/2 time and beginning to feel I want to really Thrive with my New Self with Divine Order in my life. Thank you Melanie and All.
Hi Richard,
I love your attitude and how you are empowering you!
So inspiring … and I have no doubt your breakthrough is coming.
Sending power and continued healing to you and please know how welcome you are Richard.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Oh and the Tigster is soooo cute with her (his) guest appearances. Even or especially (?) when only her (his)
tail shows.
Just coming out of a narcissists relationship…don’t know what to do…I tried no contact for 1 week and I contacted her just to hear she is has already lost interest in the relationship….went ahead to visit her at her place she gave me the worst treatment and humiliation which I never expected.
After the last few years of trying to sort my head out and rid myself of the baggage my parents instilled in me, I ended up sharing a flat, up until recently, with the most shockingly vile person I ever could have imagined. With all the books I had read, all the understandings I had come to, I realise now that I was still very naive when it came to narcissists, the way they worked and the way I let them control me.
As a child my sense of self was beaten down, suffocated and as a result I’ve basically just wandered through life not really caring much about myself (up until now)
Whoops!!!
The woman I shared a flat with for a year was a serious headcase! She was a major narcissist/sociopath. She treated me horrifically, lied constantly, gave me the silent treatment which lasted months, bullied me, emotionally tortured me and at one point physically assaulted me for absolutely no reason. It was a total nightmare where the madness was escalating and I seriously thought I was going mad. I was so stressed I couldn’t function normally but this became my normal!
Before this I had never heard of Gaslighting and had never imagined that hideous people like that even existed!! I let her away with far too much (just like I had done in relation to my parents) because I’ve never had a proper, strong sense of self.
Thankfully now that horrific experience is behind me I can see clearly that there was a terrible gap in me that needed filled by that kind of person and behaviour. I honestly think I needed to have that brutal, terrifying experience to snap me out of a pattern of behaviour that was holding me back. I’ve learned so much about myself and narcissists. I’m exhausted after those hellish months but actually hopeful that I can move on and live as a strong, self reliant person. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship for years with someone like that!! That would be just horrific!!
Your website, the phases of recovery and the responses have helped a lot and I just wanted to say thanks for the brilliant advice.
Nik
I’m getting through a divorce process. I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 3 1/2 years (1 year married). There wasn’t physical abuse, only verbal abuse. I hated his insecurities and his extreme jealousy. He always questions me on every guy I talk to. He never trusts me. Right now, I’m having no contact with the man. I’m currently living with my parents with my 3 month old son. I sometimes I get really depressed and emotional. I get these episodes that I cry because he always yelled and blamed at me for things I didn’t do. This relationship was my first. I was blinded by his love I didn’t see who he really was.
Hi Maria,
It is devastating when the man you love just wont trust you.
I went through this with my narcissistic husband and I understand how painful it is. My heart goes out to you and your baby.
Maria I would love you to come into my free Masterclass in just over a weeks time, I know how much it will help you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass
Please do know that there is relief and healing solution for you.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Can NARP also be used by the Narcissist? If we can’t fix them how do they fix themselves?
Hi K,
Anyone who fully dedicates to giving up their addictions and behaviours that aren’t serving them, to turn inwards and fully devote to releasing trauma and heal can recover.
Exactly the same as us going No Contact and dedicating to the inner work of NARP.
Would a narcissist truly do that?
That is the question. Abd it’s only one they can answer and actualise. We can never force anyone else to heal .. narcissist or non narcissist. We can only heal ourselves.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I read this all the way through. I am in a peculiar and dangerous situation. I need advice/help. I am afraid that my x-husband-narcissist may have taken out a contract out on me, to kill me or at least scare me to death, I don’t know. Someone shot at me 7 times while I was out feeding my horses. The police were called and they chased him for 2 hours trying to apprehend him. They failed.
These criminals disconnected my phone and alarm wires twice; once before the shooting and once after the shooting. Just recently they shot my once in a lifetime talented Thoroughbred horse and killed him.
I had been doing pretty well. It had been almost 1.5 years since the divorce. I was feeling free and happy and had just started to date a little bit here and there. I could finally breath the air and feel like I was on my own and loving it. The oppressed feeling had lifted, FINALLY! I had just started a new job, 3 days in at the new job, when they killed my horse. The police are involved.
I am not sure how to heal in this space. I feel very much like I am back in the war zone. The x lives not far from me, less than 20 miles. I can’t sell my farm right now. I have put up camera’s etc… I don’t miss him AT ALL! I never did! I could not wait to get him OUT of my life. I had stopped thinking about how much I hated him and talking about the abuse and was working on just forgiving everything and LETTING GO of all of it. Then all this happened. He has been contacting some of my family members and I have asked them not to respond, but they don’t understand.
I have had no contact with him what so ever! What do I do now?
Oh D.,
this is so horrible, I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Your poor beautiful horse … So terrible.
D, can you get someone in to live with you … if you can’t leave. That will help dissuade.
You have done the right thing by going to the the police. Personally, I was threatened and believed I was going to lose my life, as did many people in my life.
I healed hun, I did everything vibrationally I could to get out of inner fear and empower myself. Then he did stop and it all melted away.
I completely and utterly say protect yourself as best as possible – these situations can be very serious AND the inner emotional game – spiritually is beyond powerful as well. We don’t near fear to protect us, because our intuition is always serving us beautifully – it will let us know what we need to do.
When you become anti-fear, with many of these people, their ability to attack gets completely spiritually taken away. I believe this with all of my heart and have seen it happen in more cases than I could ever speak about over the last 10 plus years.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to get some relief and power and learn more about this.
Sending you angels to surround you
Mel 🙏💕💚
THANK YOU for this article. At age 52 I am shamed and reeling that I am crawling away from yet another N relationship. I am white-knuckling stage 1, embracing stage 2, BUT STAGE 3 is what I have been missing my entire life.
How does one access your program? Is it just the 16 day program?
Thank you.
Hi Lorelei,
you are welcome.
Sending you strength, hugs and healing.
The program that is the Gold Standard for recovery and to reprogram out of the pain and into being narcissist trauma and pattern free is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope that this helps.
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This was so insightful. I have never truly healed ab kept looking for someone and ended up with 3 narcisssts. I needed work on me. Thanks for all of this great info. I’m going to follow these Steps and get RJ a better me inside and out. What you are doing truly helps others and I can’t thank you enough. We all need help through this and everything I read of yours helps me out more then you can ever know
Hi Aaron,
Im so pleased that this helps.
If you are really ready to heal I suggest checking out my NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
It is the most powerful way I know of to get free, empowered and completely resolved, as well as released from abuse patterns after n-abuse.
Mel 🙏💕💚