My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with a narcissist during this pandemic, and that’s why I passionately wanted to reach out to you with this topic today!
Narcissists need a regular hit of narcissistic supply, so what happens when the narcissist can’t go about narcissistic business as usual because of uncontrollable events?
In this episode, I explain to you how self-isolation and job loss can impact their minds and affect co-parenting. Plus, how to protect yourself from nasty hoovering tactics that can impact you and your children.
Video Transcript
I’m not sure whether you realise by now that most of a narcissist’s energy is focused on how to get narcissistic supply.
So, what happens when the narcissist can’t go about narcissistic business as usual because of uncontrollable events?
Such things as a global crisis for example?
Sadly, many of you are experiencing exactly what happens in times like these.
Which is what I’m going to talk about in today’s Thriver TV episode.
But, before I get started, I’d like to thank all of you who are supporting the Thriver Mission and the real truth that we can heal for real from narcissistic abuse, as a result of subscribing to my channel.
And, I’d like to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed, please do so that you can help spread the word.
Alright, so let’s get going on today’s episode.
The Inner Gnawing Trauma
There are some people who find it difficult to spend time alone without distractions. This is always for the same reason, because of the difficulty to find peace with one’s Inner Being.
Narcissists take this discomfort to an extreme. The reason why is because their inner True Self has been discarded by the narcissist. They believe that this Inner Identity is not sufficient to cope in life. This is why there has been the construction and activation of a False Self in its place.
This False Self is always hungry. The narcissist needs the regular hit of narcissistic supply – which means the attention (good or bad it makes no difference) from outside forces to be able to bolster the narcissist’s feelings of personal significance.
The problem is this is a never-ending requirement. Because there is no True Self at the helm, the narcissist is snapped off from being able to source his or her good feelings directly through Life-Force/Source /Consciousness, in other words, his or her Higher Self.
Therefore, real and lasting feelings of peace, wholeness and well-being are impossible.
Because of this, the narcissist’s inner self-annihilating critic is always threatening to emerge, with the feedback that reminds the narcissist just how inadequate, broken, defective and unacceptable he or she is.
Narcissistic supply is the drug that the narcissist frenetically hunts and feeds on to numb out and escape the truth about him or herself. This is a relentless lifetime pursuit for a narcissist.
As we are about to examine, this situation with COVID-19 makes the obtaining of narcissistic supply extremely difficult.
What Self-Isolation Means to a Narcissist
Being unable to be out in the world garnishing narcissistic supply is a narcissist’s worst nightmare.
In lockdown, not only is narcissistic supply harder to come by, it also means that the narcissist is being “told what to do”.
Narcissists hate being pinned down. They hate having to follow rules and regulations, in a way that goes way over and above the normal feelings that self-isolation might bring up for people.
Narcissists believe that they are a law unto themselves, above reproach, and not answerable to anybody. To go along with the requirements for the rest of the world means that they would become just like everybody else.
This is unthinkable for a narcissist.
So, what does this time of COVID-19 amount to for a narcissist?
This …
A narcissist being HORRIBLE. He or she will be suffering horrific narcissistic injuries and narcissistic supply withdrawals constantly.
What does this mean for you?
It means that the narcissist is likely to lash out, in nasty or manipulative ways that are focused on one of two possible agendas – securing much-needed narcissistic supply, or/and spewing the viciousness of their inner-annihilating wounds all over you.
Some of you may have thought, now that this person can’t just run off and do whatever they want to do, that this would bring you closer. However, I can assure you that self-isolation with a narcissist is certainly not the “togetherness” or “team-work” that you would hope.
If You Are Co-parenting with a Narcissist
During this time of coronavirus, many of you have reported extremely frustrating struggles with the narcissist.
Of course, you are feeling triggered about whether this person is self-isolating or doing the right thing by your child.
The answer is, they probably aren’t.
This is where you need to go back to the absolute truth of how to deal with a narcissist.
The more that you try to get the narcissist to do the right thing, the more the narcissist will do the wrong thing – simply because it extracts so much narcissistic supply (attention) from you.
You know I say the same thing always, and currently, it is more important than ever – I can’t recommend enough that you detach, keep releasing the trauma that you’re feeling that is being activated within you and do everything in your power to be a whole, safe and healthy parent when you have your child with you.
This is only possible when you can release those feelings of being so disturbed and triggered. Additionally, what you will find is that the narcissist will desist from a lot of the behaviour and ways that he or she has been hurting you and your child when they receive zero narcissistic supply from you.
That’s the thing about narcissists, the energy expended to get narcissistic supply means that there must be a payoff to continue it. If there isn’t a payoff, then the narcissist will focus on getting narcissistic supply from somewhere else.
As many of you have discovered, my NARP Program is a powerful and effective way to reach this level of detachment.
A Time of Intense Hoovering
Absolutely, narcissists stuck with being with themselves, without the drama, distractions and frenetic energy of the world, are very low on narcissistic supply.
However, we know with technology being what it is, they are very capable of reaching out to people, past and present, to try to hook them up for an energetic feed again.
It’s so important, that if you are done with a narcissist and are focused on your own healing, that you block him or her. Don’t allow a hoover to get through to you.
If any communication is necessary, such as in the case of a property settlement or joint custody, then set up third party contact such as through a solicitor, or the wonderful Parallel Parenting tool Our Family Wizard.
These steps allow you to have strong boundaries around yourself, soul and life. Which means, “I am no longer available as your snack when you are in need of a feed!”
Being hoovered by a narcissist is no compliment!
To the narcissist you are a mere object, there to give the terribly insecure ego a hit to help grant the narcissist significance. This comes at a terrible price to you. Because you are being used, there is no genuine care for you, remorse for what happened, or intention to grant you healthy or happy behaviour in the future.
You are only necessary to them so that they can siphon you out for their False Self’s energy needs, and then when that is done you are just as likely to be discarded and thrown in the gutter as you were last time.
It’s so important to understand this so that you don’t go there.
If the Narcissist Lost Their Job
It is likely you will be blamed, or the narcissist will play on your heartstrings to get you to financially support them. Or just simply guilt you or demand that you do.
Or, the narcissist will jump ship onto a better deal that will provide what the narcissist needs to buffer up their False Self again.
It is not likely that you will be dealing with a stable, calm, resourceful, adaptable person who takes personal responsibility for their life.
Shoring Yourself Up Against a Narcissist in Crisis
My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with a narcissist during this pandemic. I know that the suffering that you are going through is indescribable.
But yet, this is a huge opportunity to up-level, even as hard as it may seem to do so.
It’s so true, in times of calamity, that we have the grist and impetus to go for our greatest growth. Because we need to!
I know that there are many of you in this amazing community who have really knuckled down into your deep inner work and are emerging stronger and stronger against narcissists as a result of this.
In many cases, this is despite everything that the narcissist is trying to throw at you.
I am so proud of you!
For those of you who don’t yet know how this is possible, and can’t even imagine getting there, I promise you with all my heart that it is possible and you can achieve this.
And, I am completely dedicated to helping you achieve this.
To help you do this, I am opening up another Free Masterclass, which I know is really needed at this time.
It is on April 29th. In this special event, I share with you real processes to get relief, take your power back and break the binds from any narcissist in your life, regardless of how much they’ve hurt or damaged you.
Even despite the predicament that you may be in right now.
Please know that if you can’t make this event live, you will receive a recording as a result of signing up, which you can watch and listen to at a time that suits you, in the comfort of your own home.
Again, this event is completely free, and I know how much it can help you.
I can’t wait to join you in it.
And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
I am currently experiencing my ex in crisis mode and is reaching out to our adult daughters to blame me for his drama. For the first time I am not getting involved.
My youngest lives with me and has been off for the last two days. I have asked her multiple times what is wrong and she says nothing so I will accept her answer and give her space. So so hard to do but am doing it.
I am afraid to leave my Narcissist because the kids (12,15) will be used as pawns in a game. It is scary. This combo of despair and anxiety is no fun. When I see folks with these probs with their kids it terrifies me to leave. You should be proud. That is hard to do.
I left the narcissist in 2015. My kids were 17 and 14 at the time. He put all of us through hell (especially my daughter), but now we are on the other beautiful side of life and I honestly believe it was the best decision I ever made in my life. And Melanie is right…if you heal yourself and be strong, everything will indeed fall into place. At times, it won’t seem like that’s the case, but I promise you that it is true. The narc tried to turn both my kids against me, but I remained true to myself, refused to give up and believed nothing could take my children or their love away from me. My children saw the strength in me and it drew them to me like magnets. Now they love me more than ever and our bond is as strong as steel. It takes a lot of strength to leave, but it will be worth it…I promise. For me, I didn’t want my children growing up thinking this behavior was acceptable, so it was partly because of them that I left. Just make sure you plan every detail out and get assistance wherever you can…sometimes, there are government agencies that can help. Much strength to you.
Hi Lori,
I am so happy for you and your children.
That’s beautiful that you lead the way for them.
Continued love and blessings for all of you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
I am u able to comment not sure why but I need an advise ASAP…2 was back i messaged the narcissist that I got to know he is cheating and wrote a long message on the signs I caught him cheating and that I dont want to do anything wit him after 3 yrs. He generally use to block me whenever I use to mk front h cheat but this time he didnt block me and he keeps sending me prayers every morning tats all….no calls or no messages jus a pray he sends every morning…he knows m a very god fearing person and I also tol him tat he will surely be punished by god for cheating n playing wit me…i also got to know last week he lost his job which m.happy he did…I dont know why is he sending me a prayer message and how should I react…for the first time I hav gone no contact t n ignored him for more then 2 wks…pls tel me wat yo do as I keep.geting tempted to message or call him which I dont wana do.
Hi Jo,
sweetheart, there truly is only one thing to do.
Delete and block him and start healing.
My heart goes out to you, this is a really painful time, but I promise you that there is a way to get free.
Please come into my free Masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass where there will be a relief, clarity and healing for you.
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Carolyn,
This is great that you’re detaching and not getting involved.
Brilliant that you are giving your daughter space.
That truly is the Thrive Credo, let go and heal and then everything can fall into place!
You’re doing a great job.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Great videos! I think & feel sometimes that Ive been scard for life & other times I feel Im stepping into my power! The problem is that iits hapoening on zsocial zM & I cant be certain of who it could be!!
Plus I get triggered at times by certains videos I watch. …..which I know I have the choice not to watch, but I’m always curious ( part of my nature) to see what they have to say!
Im feeling a range of emotions cuz it all started on here! I was sent narcissists videos, then someone cut right into my the video I was already watching & told me I have a twin flame! Very confusing & thats why its been hard to figure out if this person is one or the other! Apparently. They kind of work in the same way. Repel. Then love. Repel. Love. Thats confusing!
wasn’t sure what to believe cuuz Ive never heard of twin flame soul contract before, that alone was taking a lot of my energy
d. So I simply left a mess. Cuz that person sent me a copy of a comment I msde on their channel & took that opportunity to just
wish him well & felt I had to do this for my own piece of mind! There’s also another channel owner that played a trick on me to get my attention but he did say he wanted me to focus on his channel & get working on starting a business of some sort & he did it again another time but that time. He didnt
t leave me a comment in my inbox! Theres more than one! Probably replies I get from people that aren’t very nice. Comments or weird areLikely coming from their flying monkeys ( as they say on utub) its confusing but at the same time I have to say it opened my eyes
to what I know now & never realizexd before!
Im gona be apply for ur NARP PROGRAM
tomorrow! Its unbelievable how we can survive this kind of chilhood & others & this. And actually
stay SANE, at the same time though u mistrust people. & at other times u know somebody is
trying to tell u something-!! I know to trust my intuition , but were not always right when we feel triggered ( it takes over) & it may not even be a narc# ! But I believe everything happens for a reason & its pretty well brought me here realizing I have more healing to do & trying not to think
about it & going Gray as u said isnt working either rOh. Boy what a life we women have to endureat the hands of certain men, & women, family, boss hey???
I dont want to start thinking that everyone are narcs either! In this world were in. There are. Unfortunstely a lot of people in law. Politics ordinary people also, but it tends to be the ones who are in higher ranks & power get to their heads which is like DOUBLE THE TROUBLE. SOME CAN
REALLY FOOL U. u think u have good igut instincts. Only to find out later. They were not the people u thought they were or apoeared to be! Im not
saying a lot but mostly in politics since this
epidemic started ive had more time to view & see whats going on! Its confusing. Politics is not my thing. But the law aspect of it is. Ive studied a bi
BITt of llaw as an interest course! Boy. Oh. Boy
IM JUMPING IN ..WHERE. DO I APPLY FOR NARP
CAN U SEND ME A LINK TOMORROW AFTERNOON?
Hi Elena,
I agree so many of us have been through so much, and that’s why the inner healing is so important.
Elena, please find the link to my NARP program here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps and I look forward to conjoining with you in our wonderful NARP community.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Greetings Melanie and Thrivers!
I am new to your work and have been enjoying your latest book ’You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse’ immensely! I just ended a 8 month relationship with a narcissist and it wasn’t until after the breakup that I realized she was! It’s been a little over a week and I have been doing a lot of reflection.
What I want to ask is, Is there anything genuine about a narcissist? I spent every waking day with this person who told me they loved me everyday and now I am learning that this was because of their ulterior motives and hidden agendas. It is so confusing because I love this woman, but am so conflicted at the same time as to what to believe. Did she care for me? Please give me some clarity and insight as it would be greatly appreciated in understanding what was it that I experienced in the 8 months I was with this person.
Sincerely,
Anthony
Anthony—-THIS HURTS AND ITS HARD TO REALIZE TRULY, BUT–NO SHE NEVER LOVED YOU, SHE DOESNT LOVE HERSELF. SHE IS INCAPABLE OF LOVE.—SHE LOVED THE WAY YOU MADE GER FEEL WILL NOT GIVING TWO SHITS ABOUT YOU. Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them,” she adds. Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves. “The best thing you can do is cut ties.
Sorry for typos
Hi Anthony, no sadly she never loved you, but what might help you, is to know that, that Person you thought you fell in love with never existed, she fabricated a Personality that appealed to you like an Actor taking on a roll, they say they normally can only pretend on an average of 10 to 12 months, before the real person emerges, they are very good at what they do, but take heart, there are many more Genuine loving people out there, who will love you, just for being you, so don’t compromise, just be yourself, and true love could be just around the corner, hope this helps Blessings Col.
Hi Anthony,
lovely to have you in our wonderful community!
Anthony, I cannot suggest enough signing up to my free 16-day course. It will explain so much to you and answer all of these questions for you, as they arise!
Because the truth is no matter what I say here, until you go through a deep unravelling, you will keep asking the same question over and over anyway. It’s just what we do, until able to fully embody the answer, we will keep trying to find an answer that will grant relief.
The short answer is, she doesn’t care for you and love you, because she is incapable of doing so. It doesn’t mean that you’re unlovable. The other really important answer is when you are deeply hurt and traumatised by somebody not loving you, it is because you as yet have not come home to loving, accepting and healing yourself to wholeness.
These are replays of wounds before her time. She is triggered them and brought them up to the surface now, because she was a replay of them. The signal is for you to turn inwards and make this all about healing you, instead of trying to understand her.
The REAL truth here is this… you caring about and turning inwards to your self-discovery is the only way that you will get relief and solid answers. Then, the answers regarding her will come simultaneously as well. And not just as concepts that you need to keep trying to absorb, rather as deep solid knowing.
The inner transformational understandings and work starts in my 16 Day free course http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I so hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am currently in locked down with the narcissist and his brand new supply–our nanny. I don’t know how to feel. I should be grateful because at least his attention is elsewhere, or angry because, the disrespect??
All I know is that this is the most awful time of my life. I’m not sure how to survive this.
Dear Mima,
The correct emotion is pity. And eventually gratitude.
I had to go through a similar situation although not even remotely as painful as it being in my own house with my own nanny. It was enough to destroy the old me that it was with a neighbor a few doors down.
First you cry. Alot.
That’s the excruciating pain coming up.
Then you must allow yourself to be helped by very strong spiritual forces and programs such as NARP.
God can save us from any thing this world throws.
When you’ve processed the agony and pain and grief and psychich breakdown, with help from outside of your self, you WILL EMERGE in pure perfect original TRUE SELF.
As painful as this is, when you have been tried to the core, and come out on the other side, you will eventually thank God for the experience.
Keep breathing.
Keep letting go and filling your inner being with Quantum TRUTH.
He is not your life. LOVE IS YOUR DEFAULT.
He was sent to smash you up into loving yourself. He is nothing but the messenger.
The message is YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF AND NOT SEEK IT TO BE SOURCED FROM OUTSIDE OF YOU.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I can not imagine having to experience this level of pain. Mine was not at that level because surely I would have died.
My heart goes out to you but also my unmovable certainty that there is nothing too hard for God. And at some level, you truly are already free. This is your and everyone’s DEFAULT BEING.
Oh my god what an asshole ugh is he actually with her in a relationship? This happened to me when I left my ex he started banging his brothers 21 year old nanny and denies it to this day bc he’s so embarrassed about it.
Hi Mima,
oh gosh that is ghastly. My heart goes out to you.
Mima, I want you to know with all of me that no matter how much these people can hurt us, there is a way out of the pain. The most powerful way I know to achieve that is my NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp program. It grants you the ability to bypass the horrific obsessional thoughts and get straight into your Inner Being to load up and release the trauma inside of you.
That brings clarity, relief, wisdom and power – very fast – if you do the healings in NARP.
To find out more about NARP, I have an upcoming masterclass soon http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass that explains all of this in much greater detail.
Mima, I can’t even imagine what you are going through, you poor sweetheart.
I know you can make it!
All of us are sending you our love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I live with my narcissist/ husband. He is absolutely going crazy with these restrictions and will not comply to the rules. He spends his days posting angry videos on Facebook about freedom, and even held a town meeting last night about our rights. He came home so full of narcissistic supply because he was telling everyone that they should ignore the rules and that the police would have him to deal with him if there is a problem. He loves to be the hero, it’s the easiest way to get his supply. His behavior is describing everything you just layed out. I know he feels controlled and he cannot handle that. Everyone in our home, 3 teenagers and I, are subjected to the news onTV 24/7, and there are no boundaries as to if we want to hear what’s on his mind, he will just tell you at any given moment.
On one particular day I had had it, and asked if we could turn off the news. I also voiced how I felt about having to listen to him be angry all day. He mocked me in a childish voice saying oh, poor you for being stressed out. This has been awful but I thank you for this article, it helps me understand him even more.
HI Melanie,
Thank you so much for these episodes. Recently after watching an earlier episode it has opened my eyes to recognising triggers that are being used against me. This alone has helped me so much to feel lighter and freer. It seems too easy!! This episode has reinforced that feeling. I can even see that continuing to react, good or bad is like feeding the false part of the narcissist. Bit like giving drugs to an addict, who wants to do that!! I look forward to the 29th April’s programme. Thank you so much.
Hi Christine,
I’m so pleased that you are getting clarity!
Truly, it is that simple. As humans we just try to complicate it all!
That’s wonderful that you are coming into my free upcoming masterclass.
I can’t wait to help you powerfully heal!
All my love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Boy did you hit the nail on the head . When 911 happened my narc demanded sex and then pouted when I wanted to watch the TV to see what was going on. I finally gave in, and he could care less about 911 and all the people that died. He acted like nothing was going on that day. It took me another eight years to get rid of him. He cost me my home, my job, most of my friends, and stole a lot of my money. My life is so much better and fuller and happier but it took work.
Hi Joanie,
I’m so happy for you that you’re free now!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you I got tossed out with my 5 yr old during this pandemic from a psychopath narcissist who rather be with his brother and enjoy nieces and nephews then take care of and be with his own kids..I tried to make him understand how serious times are right now and did not get no where..awaiting court which is closed and get nasty texts daily trying to grow and heal in a time of total despair moved two times now still fighting the fight did no contact..hurt but here..lost all left with nothing cant even get my license back all closed and he cut mine to hold me back..its like fighting a devil that wants to keep you down in a time where all are praying to god..hoping god hears me o her the millions..I’m betong the no job..no home..trying to survive a narcissist..thanks
Hi Jennifer,
my heart goes out to you and your child.
That is awful what you had to go through.
Please feel the love and prayers of our entire community.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Please advise I’m stuck with a person who is a narcissist and drinks beer all day long and is so nasty there is no relationship with him. I have no where to go.. He tells me he loves me but when he doesn’t get his way acts like such a child. I am so unhappy..
JoAnna—-THE BEST THING IS TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO LEAVE AND MOVE ON COMPLETELY. THIS IS WHAT STAGE IM IN RIGHT NOW. IM LOOKING FOR A JOB(even with covid-19 going on/there are alot of jobs offering tele work) YOU MUST WORK AND SAVE YOUR MONEY. HIDE IT IF YOU HAVE TO. THE ONLY WAY TO LEAVE IS TO BE ABLE TO PROVID AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. With prayer, hard work and the right support WE CAN DO THIS! You mist realize the situation you’re in FOR WHAT IT REALLY IS. Its evil, and you will waste your life being unhappy and unfulfilled if you don’t ESCAPE.
I am working a temporary job just started and he is already telling me what we but really what he wants to do with the money. I get scared at times. He needs to know every move i make. I want out now but i have no where to go
Hi JoAnna,
Jessy has offered you beautiful support here.
This is so true, yes it’s going to be difficult and you are going to be scared and will go through a lot of pain. But I promise you that there is a way out of this, there is a way to heal, and staying means that things only get worse and not better.
JoAnna, Please reach out for help to be Go and stay somewhere, and surround yourself with people who do care about you. If you don’t have anyone who could take you in right now, then I would suggest contacting a Domestic Violence Abuse line in your area. What you are describing is jealous and possessive and controlling behaviour which is not safe.
Possibly securing somewhere to go right now is the most important thing that you can do.
Also, when the time is right, I would love you to connect to my 16 Day free course http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse They can help grant you support, clarity and strength, to help you move forward and heal.
We all stand for you JoAnna, and that you can do this
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
JoAnna,
I have been in a relationship with my narcissist now for 4 years. A year ago I moved in with him, and now I’m kinda in your same situation. It’s an awful feeling. And I’m sure he loves to remind you that you don’t have anywhere to go. It’s easy to tell someone ‘you have to leave, be strong you can do it.’ I know personally it’s the hardest thing to do. Once your gone all you think about is if he cares, is he missing you or the worst thought, is he talking to someone else. I wish I could give you that magic answer and poof you are free, free of him. It’s going to get harder the longer you do stay and with the drinking it will probably become violent if it hasn’t already. If you can put yourself around good people, people that bring positive feelings, it could help to see that there are and is something better for you that you don’t have to live like this. Because good quality people don’t treat people the way that a** does. You need to know your selfworth. It’s hard it’s going to hurt it’s going to suck. But you can do it.
JB
Crisis mode thats what I have been calling it. All of a sudden after 2 years of only asking once for our daughter that just turned 7 he wants and needs her 8n his life. The fun part was the way he was in the email to me asking for a chance with our daughter compared to how he texted my mom when I responded saying the same thing I’ve been saying for almost 3 years. Good luck everyone, stay strong, keep emotional detachment.
NO SHE NEVER LOVED YOU, SHE DOESNT LOVE HERSELF. SHE IS INCAPABLE OF LOVE. Anthony—SHE LOVED THE WAY YOU MADE GER FEEL WILL NOT GIVING TWO SHITS ABOUT YOU. Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them,” she adds. Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves. “The best thing you can do is cut ties.
Melanie,
You have been a Godsend for me over the last two years. When my counselor told me I was with a narc, I had to research it. You gave me insight into his next move. We divorced after 21 years in 2019. All the stuff you mentioned in your article is so true!! He hoovered, but I knew it was coming because of your articles and videos. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! I’m healing and so very thankful that he is not under my roof during this CoVid pandemic.
Hi Michelle,
I’m so happy for you that your healing and are impervious to any hoovers.
Power to you Dear Lady!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you. This message could not have come at a better moment!!!
It is my pleasure Aaron,
bless!
Mel 🙏💕💚
The ex (the narc) started hoovering today – wants to take our daughter for an orthodontist appointment right now during lockdown when the orthodontist is closed – this is the silliest Hoover ever thanks to NARP work – thank you Melanie for helping me get to this stage in just a few months
Hi Janet,
that’s so great that this has become humorous for you!
Such a sign of Thriving Healing!
It is my total pleasure, and I’m so happy for you that NARP has helped so much.
Much Love and continued blessings to you and your daughter
Mel 🙏💕💚
I was hovered today as well. I lost my house and my heart and soul by listening to my narc boyfriend’s empty promises of a better life with him. As soon as I commited to him and a mutual future, he slowly and eerily withdrew his promises and I stupidly hung in for 7 years. After receiving a letter from an anonymous woman who claimed to have had sex with him for over a year, I saw the light. He denied it all but I knew it was true because his personality and conduct shone through what she was alleging in her letter. I’m now in a beautiful new home and he doesn’t know where I live. The Hoover sets me off again emotionally. I will do Melanie’s Thriver program again to overcome the trauma.
Hi Suzanne,
stay strong sweetheart and keep moving forward. You’re already done such an incredible job.
I’m so happy that you’re out and he doesn’t know where you are. Keep healing you, and NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is the most empowered program for you right now.
It is your time to heal and shine Suzanne, totally. And truly energetically kick this to the curb.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
perfect timing once again Melanie. My question is: if all contact; good or bad, gives them fuel, then won’t it give him fuel by me blocking him on the new avenue he found to contact me? (he went to the trouble of setting up an account and messaged me through my business) Should I ignore or block? Thanks in advance.
Hi Tanya,
I’m so glad that this was timely for you.
Tanya, I love your question. The real answer to that is “Who cares?!”
No contact is necessary for you to pull away and heal you, whatever he does or doesn’t get out of it, who really gives a proverbial crap?
Can you see the truth about your own healing?
I would block, every single time. Because then you are not waiting or wondering about supposed contact. It means you can turn inwards and heal and start getting on with it.
All decisions hun have to be about you, and what’s the healthiest thing to support your healing.
I hope this helps and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Tanya,
Melanie is right. I would block him everywhere he could possibly squirm through. Otherwise, he will never give up and keep trying to torment you. That’s what I had to do with my ex narc. Besides, if you just ignore what he’s sending, you will constantly be on edge and watching for what he’s sending and he will continue to get at you. Its not good for your emotional health and you can’t heal while that’s going on. Plus, he’ll be getting pleasure out of continuing to torment you. Blocking gives the peace of mind you need to heal yourself. I felt more free just by that simple action and felt like I was taking control of my life, for the first time ever…and its one step closer to your freedom. Getting rid of a narc is a step by step process, that needs to be carefully planned. Even the police suggested that I block him. But soon, you will become immune to anything he does, just like I have, and that’s the best part of all!
My parents, my brother and my sister-in-law are all narcissists, and I had to go no contact with all of them. They are very troubled, messed up people. I am starting (finally) to realize that the problem was never me.
Hi Angie,
sending you love and healing at this time.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you for the work that you’re doing. I have been married to a narcissist for 15 years who has remained unemployed and his run me into the poor House. I am bouncing back with an energy in forever and your teachings are helping me. Keep up your great work.Please please please keep me in your prayers. I have a son and a daughter who have been raised in this toxic environment and yet still they are wonderful children. I am making plans for an exit and finally I am in a mental and financial position to do it.
Hi Stacy,
It is my pleasure and I’m glad that I can help.
That is so wonderful that you are in a position to leave.
My prayers for you Stacey are that you rise into your power and the honour of you.
Sending you power, truth and breakthrough
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
My ex-narc (married 25 yrs) bought me out of our co-owned business last year when we divorced. He pays me monthly while he continues to work the business. He has been sickly for years, on boatloads of antibiotics, etc. Today he told me he has cutaneous t-cell lymphoma that attacks the skin from the inside. I have been in therapy and on an antidepressant in addition to doing the NARP Program since I left him 2 yrs ago.
I never know if what he tells me is true. His calls were blocked until yesterday so we could discuss my future income because of the covid virus situation. Now today he’s got cancer.
My knee jerk response was to rush in and help like I always did. Now I just go to NARP and breathe. Nothing has to be done immediately.
This is the 2nd crisis he has had in a year, not counting the covid virus issues we all have.
So to all of you still with a Narcissis, things will never change for them. You are your only true salvation. Be strong and leave them asap.
Love to you all.
P.S. I am 71 yrs young.
Hi Carol,
thank goodness now you can detach and look after you. That’s fantastic that you don’t react anymore.
You are so inspiring Carol and you totally deserve your health, well-being and life.
Thank you for sending your strengths and blessings to others.
Keep Thriving Dear Lady!
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I was finally able to break up with the narcissist after 11 years. He is starting his own business in another town, two hours from me and our kids (thankfully- wish it was further). He is still having workers come to work on his shop despite the quarantine!!! I am able to work from home, thankfully and I have been quarantining myself and the kids. He threw a terrible fit when I wouldn’t let the kids go to see his shop during this quarantine- 2 hours away. He says the virus is being blown out of proportion through “propaganda” and insists I let him take the kids and he will keep them safe (Yeah, right… How if he doesn’t believe the virus is serious?) He won’t call me this week to talk to the kids, but instead calls my grandmother- to ask about us and to tell her to tell me to call him. I’m not calling, because I know there will be drama and rages. We don’t have joint custody and I know he will never take me to court, because he started living a very dishonest life. Therefore, I have custody of the kids and he just shows up when he wants, walks into the house without calling, rages at me and upsets the kids one minute and acts like nothing ever happened the next minute. I just want to be free of him!!!! He ruins our peace and is always cooking up outrageous things he wants to do with the kids like take them to Disney world without me because I have to work, so I will say no and he can start drama. He had big Disney plans before the pandemic. This back and forth has gone on a year. He will be all nice, I will meet up with him to let him see the kids- but it’s NEVER enough. He doesn’t pay bills here or give me child support, but instead buys them whatever they want form stores and wants to take them on vacations at inconvenient times- yet doesn’t even call for days at a time. He honestly believes he is so important and that the Coronavirus isn’t that serious….that I’m “overdoing” it by sheltering the kids. I can’t make this stuff up!?! Letting him get the kids on his own isn’t a good idea during normal times, because if he isn’t raging at me, he’s raging at his brother or partying. He keeps insisting on taking them to spend the night at his place. Spoils them rotten, so they don’t know the difference and they miss him- but drops them like a hot potato when he has something fun he wants to do. He isn’t responsible enough. Any advice? I also want to say thank you Melanie, because your work is what gave me the strength to break up with him in the first place. Now I just have to figure out the rest.
Hi Brandi,
Please know how welcome you are and I’m so happy that you have been able to make the break. Well done! That’s huge!
Absolutely coparenting, especially in this time would be deeply frustrating and distressing for you, when dealing with somebody like him.
I would really love you to check out my information regarding parallel parenting, and my other resources on co-parenting. (You can Google my name + these topics and these resources will come up.)
I also can’t recommend enough that you get really healed up and solid and implement boundaries and third parties. You will be able to create and generate this with him, truly, when you know how to.
My resources on these topics will help you understand, just how important these things are, to be able to parallel parenting with a narcissist.
My other recommendation is to deeply consider my NARP program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp The people who achieve the most powerful and successful parallel parenting in this community are NARP members, and they also have the added benefit of a private community with many parallel parents helping them specifically with the issues that they are going through. There is a wealth of knowledge and support there for you.
The NARP Forum is a completely free unlimited service 24/7 with your Gold NARP Program. This will help you so much, having to share custody and having the problems that you are.
I hope that all of this can help.
Sending love, safety and breakthrough to you and your children
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hey Brandi
Strength comes from within and you seem to have so much strength and you think with wisdom and analysis that’s inspiring to us all.
If you look inwards rather than at him you will see what we can see. I see love, I see care, I see protection by the way you talk about your kids. I see strength, I see power by the way you have been dealing with your toxic ex. I see hope and direction by the way you want your future to look.
It doesn’t really matter what I see or if we believe in you. What matters is do you see this in yourself, do you believe in yourself ???
When you see this in yourself and you see this as something that makes you too valuable for him and his crap then you will find what you need to take control of this situation. I’d love to see you do the inner work and become this person.
All the best to you mate
The kids father lives overseas and that country is in total lockdown. I have the flying monkeys this week suddenly checking in on me and the kids! Mind blowing because he hasn’t contacted our kids in weeks! Its 3 months since we are divorced and he’s remarried and has taken on a new set of his as his own! Wow, wow, wow!
Hi Adele,
wow indeed!
Sending love and peace to you and your children.
And breakthrough healing to you as well
Mel 🙏💕💚
i am in isolation with my husband of 20 years and multiple affairs.He is a textbook somatic narc,I had managed to get him out of my life but because of this covid situation, he is back.My sons and i have demanded he cannot drink if he wants to be here.He has been sober for 9 days now but I can’t help but think this another one of his games, he has been so well behaved, but I also haven’t “challenged him” yet.(His words)
Wait until that happens, it will be fireworks!!..Not afraid of him now though…While he was away have done a lot of work on myself.
Would like to think he has changed, but am very wary.He has actually admitted he is a narcissist, that was liberating.
Hi Jo,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is so great though that you feel empowered this time!
Well done!
Sending love and strength to you and your sons
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’m 10 weeks no contact and was doing well but had a huge regress 2 weeks ago and currently feel like a black hole. I’m not proud of my story, I had an affair with my neighbour. We are both married. It went on for 5 years and I was caught by my husband. It was almost a relief as I’d been trying to end it but he always cajoled me back, it was 5 years of emotional turmoil. Afterwards I discovered there’d been numerous woman but I wasn’t surprised. But 1 was another woman on our street. We got together and for 3 weeks chatted and compared notes of our ordeal with him. She’s also married. She then went quiet and yesterday I saw her stopping at his house. She’s clearly been sucked back in. I’m beyond upset. Not because I want him back but I feel so betrayed by her and I can imagine he is filling her head with stories about ‘psycho’ me again. It was his birthday yesterday and even in lockdown people were coming to drop off gifts. It seems so unfair that I’m emotionally destroying my life and hes unaffected and everyone still loves him and don’t believe my story on what really had happened. Even his wife is standing by his side and defending him after she found out about all his affairs. It is just so incredibly hard and seeing it across the road doesnt help. He hasn’t tried to hover me, I don’t think he will as hes most likely furious at me for exposing him
Hi Krystyna,
There is nothing worse for a narc than being exposed, and you did that. That takes a lot of guts,
so pat yourself on the back. Sounds like this narc is on a definite supply roll in your area.
You are ahead in the game though…..yes you are my dear. You have the knowledge of what is going on….sounds like you have been doing the module work and the healing qualities are starting to sink in. My gut feeling….I have been there….is that you dig into more module work and prepare yourself…..he will probably be back and act like nothing happened….expecting to suck you back in again. He keeps doing that to everybody on the street, why not you? BUT…you now have NARP under your belt……beyond his self-centred comprehension….Keep pushing ahead………..
Melanie always says to keep on smiling,healing and thriving…..because there is nothing else to do
Hi Krystyna,
It takes such courage to be really honest. We embrace you and there is absolutely no judgement here. We are all very aware of the lure of people like this!
Krystyna hun, Ocean Breeze is right. The only way out of the pain is to turn inwards and do the healing.
I’d love you to register and come into my upcoming Free Masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass It’s here that you will find out about my NARP program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and what Quanta Freedom Healing can do for you – namely release the pain and deliver you into a new emotional and relationship future that is healthy and happy.
I hope that this can help inspire you that there is a way out of this pain.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
To think I put up with it for so long.
Thank you for this video . Narcissist come in all shapes and forms, mine is my mother who when I was a child simutaneously hyper-controlled me and ignored/diminished me . I have gradually cut down contact with her (which she noticed immediately and initially remonstrated, then began ignoring me), now she rarely contacts me, perhaps every 6 weeks a phone call. I thought in lockdown she would try and contact me more, but she hasn’t. I think that is because she knows she can’t hoover me up. In many ways I wish I could cut off all contact, but I feel like I owe her! Do I owe her? After all she gave birth to me, almost fed and almost clothed me (at times even these basics were lacking) How to deal with aging narcissist parents?
Hi Karen,
You are very welcome.
There are many people who have asked this question in this community.
There are also many people who have healed and released themselves from any abuser in their life, including their parents. And in some cases, they have done this to save their souls even from their own children.
I would love you to Google my name + “elderly narcissist” and you will see the resources that come up around this topic, that I hope can really help you.
Also, when you do the inner work to release those feelings of guilt and those binds to that person it is so much easier to go free. I would love you to come into my free masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass to learn more about this and how to heal from her, so that you are in a position where you can set some healthy boundaries where she will either need to step up or ultimately it will be her decision to not meet you at a level of healthiness and you will be released.
This is so about taking your power, health and life back Karen.
I hope this inspires you to know that it is possible.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie,
After the bushfires here in Australia and now the CIVID-19, the ex does not do any hoovering. He only cares about himself. Although, while he declined seeing our children for months as his third party was unavailable, now suddenly the children are unhappy and it s unfair if they can t spend time with him. Seemed that the third party went into self isolation, which he didn’t tell me. But when I got it out of him, he suddenly said those things. So I start doing the changeovers myself, which was hard. Especially when he s doing little games of changing the pick up spot under security cameras to just waiting around the corner from where I park my car. But this is not hoovering, I think. Is this also normal behavior of them to just don’t care?
Hi Marieke,
That’s terrible, that you, like so many other dutiful Australians, have been through so much. My heart goes out to you.
Dear Lady, please know that the narcissists traditionally do whatever is going to get to us and hurt us.
The only thing that narcissists care about, truly, is themselves and the ability to get narcissistic supply by triggering other people.
However, the deeper truth to all of this, is that the narcissist is in your life hurting the parts of you, that you can turn inwards to, and heal.
I know that you hurting right now, so much, but for you and your children it’s so important for you to lead the way, by healing you.
Marieke, I would love you to come into my upcoming Free Masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass To learn more about this and how you can heal, get relief and your life back.
You really do deserve that.
Much love to you and your children
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi everyone, I’m new to these message boards, and the NARP program. I am separating from a narcissistic husband, we are living separately and are currently going through the court process for both parenting and financial settlements. Melanie, your comment about using Our Family Wizard interested me, maybe I’ll learn more about this as I delve further into the modules… but I thought an app such as that may make it easier for abuse. Would the idea be to have it on a spare phone, and only log in at certain times, as I don’t wish to be constantly bombarded by his adding info, uploading photos etc if it was on my everyday use phone. In my case, my husband is coercive controller and is making a (false) case to the courts that I am a risk to my daughter. My feeling is he would try and use the app to create evidence (drama) about certain things that didn’t exist. Any advice appreciated.
He absolutely will use that app to create “evidence”, if they can fabricate evidence they will since he is telling lies they have to because facts do not change. I just went through this my custody case took over 2 years, I’ll be very frank with you – you are playing a game of chess and you will always need to be 1 step ahead. Some advice:
Make SURE your atty gets it and never call him a narc to anyone – I used the phrase high conflict personality to describe him in my initial consult and ask the atty if they have experience dealing with this type of person.
Document EVERYTHING like a daily journal even if you think its nothing.
Do not trust him or let your guard down
You can use My Family Wizard it is a good tool if your willing to pay for it – I can guarantee he won’t – if you can get this in your custody order. What is good about it is the judge and your atty can review the content and you can just print it out easy and he will hate this. I would recommend
Do not talk to him on the phone, if you are in person always record the convo…Only communicate in written form. Like text or email – I prefer text because they can alter emails (mine did it).
The NARP is an excellent resource and also google One Mom’s Battle website. Melanie is a good source to deal with you but you need tools to deal with him esp communicating during an active court case.
Best of luck to you!!!!
Hi Heather,
the wonderful thing about Our Family Wizard is that everything is recorded, admissible in court and can’t be deleted.
So, as long as you remain really calm and cool, with comments such as “this is what I will agree to” and “this is what I won’t agree to” and stay within the parenting plan, he will be the one that will unravel and come undone. With things like bombarding, false accusations and reactions to your calm clear replies.
This is what we find in this community all the time, that this is the result of OFW. And, of course, what really helps this is you releasing all of the fears and the triggers of persecution, authorities and him abusing you by proxy, often with NARP Module 8 work, and then you will be an even stronger emotional, solid position to expose him through OFW.
I really hope that this helps, and it’s great that you’re on the right track!
Please also, if you are a Gold NARP Member, stay connected to the NARP Members Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member because you will have so much support and an incredible wealth of knowledge and experience to tap into to help you with your parallel parenting at any time that you need.
I hope that all of this helps.
Much love, strength and power to you and your daughter
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hello. I have went no contact after 8 years of a toxic relationship with my ex narc. I had moved out of our home last year. We had tried to make it work and after just a few months we ended things. Of course I found out that he had already started seeing someone he had met online last year while we were split up. Three months in and they are now moving in together into a new home. As much as it hits me in the gut I’m on my way to healing and forgiving myself. As he is one to always be on the go hardly ever just being at home with this pandemic going on obviously he and the new supply are forced to just be at home. I have to admit I’m jealous of that as I always wished he could just “chill” at home with me instead of always having to be going somewhere or doing something. I feel that this is what may have been brought them closer day in and day out??? It’s obviously done something positive as they’re purchasing a new home together and for the last 5 years he and I were wanting to get into our “forever” home!
Hi Candice,
my heart goes out to you. It feels incredibly painful when you are replaced, and I can understand exactly what you are saying and how that would hurt.
Candice, I would love you to tap into my free healing information, which can help you get clarity, and relief at this time. I know how much it can help you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free course
Also, please Google my name and the topic “new supply” to really understand the truth about this.
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
Just a quick comment to thank you for your regular video postings Melanie! Together with your book, as well as other literature on the topic, they have become a sort of reality checks that I use to orient myself in my own healing process.
Lots of love back to you!
Hi Ingunn,
You are very welcome, and I’m so pleased that I have been able to help you.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have a narcissist man in my life, the father of my daughter who is 6. My stories I could share could make a chapter book, sometimes when I share with others I get looks of “what.. that could not be true”… so at times I say nothing. But I want to share, make people aware, maybe it would help them understand me? I was lucky when my daughter was 2 we went to court for a parenting order.. and do be an ass he wrote in his reply to my statement that he didn’t want anything to do with his daughter (even put me through me a DNA test In Hopes to not pay child support) and the judge granted me full custody and his parenting time is when it’s “mutually agreed upon”. But let me tell you… the past 4 years after that .. the entitlement and begging and degrading me and the angry abusive outbursts.. when I choose to say no… have broken me down. His choices and times when he wants to see her is to benefit him, I cannot ask him to take her (he always has an excuse why he can’t), he doesn’t put her first (or his other 2 kids with 2 other women), he come first. He now lost his job due to COVID, asked me to take him off maintenance enforcement (child support) and that he would send what he could … I refused In the end.. and then I was degraded and abused and called heartless.. I blocked him… it’s been 2 weeks. But I’m hitting that feeling of guilt wall … why the urge to see if he will contact me?
Hi Amanda,
I’m so sorry that you and your daughter have been through all of this with him.
Amanda, I thoroughly believe and have experienced in my own life and in so many other people’s, that when you are still pulled back in with feelings of guilt or any other negative bind at all to these people, it is because there is something being triggered within ourselves that we can heal and release ourselves from.
And then I promise that you will be able to go free.
Amanda, I would love you to come into my upcoming Free masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass to find out more about this, so that you can understand more fully not only about this, but how to get released and get true relief and your power back.
I hope that this can help.
Much love to you and your daughter
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie and Narc-survive friends,
Thank you all for sharing your experiences.
It’s heartbreaking to read all the horrible stuff these people have done and are still capable of doing even worse.
I’m one of those people that made the mistake of falling for the False First Impression…. all the empty promises and sweet gifts and compliments of the Hoovering phase…
Yes we feel so desperate to want to believe that the Narcissist is a Better person than they really are and we make excuses for them…
But make that list of the real facts how they mess up your life, health, money, career, future, turning your dearest family and friends against you…
Even destroying your own adult daughter’s life and damaging your relationship with her because of his sexual advances and more of her…
You need to realize that the only way to survive and become whole again is resist all hoover tactics and block this evil predator that sucks your life force and trying to pull you down to the lowest dark dungeon like a crocodile do with his prey…
You are a beautiful strong person that radiates strength and love. Let that be a blessing to gift yourself a new life and be healed.
In this pandemic Lockdown time – look at the flowers, think about your most favorite places, sing your happy songs in your head… focus on anything else that is beautiful and uplifting and don’t even care what words they might utter… because it doesn’t matter!
Love to you all.
Annette
Hi Annette,
that’s awful what you and your daughter went through.
Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement to all.
You are a true inspiration, Annette!
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi everyone,
It’s great to read other peoples experiences and the healing and positive outcomes. It’s comforting and connecting. Thank you 🙏
I finally left my marriage 3 months ago and have had to focus on my own healing. Why did I stay so long in such a disrespectful, toxic environment? I was half responsible and have been through so much grief, made worse by my ex’s behaviour…. the turning our boys against me, lying and with the boys now asking to live with their dad. As painful as it is, I am letting them go. Thank you to others who have reminded me here that having faith and trust, remaining strong and continuing to heal and focus on my own life are so important for a healthy loving outcome. Setting really strong boundaries and meaning it ( took a while to get there) has also been instrumental with the ex. I let him know that if I ever felt bullied, manipulated, judged, criticised or blamed for anything again I would be ending the conversation. Massive changes since then. Prayer goes a long way too!
We can never lose our children and we don’t know what they may need to experience so they can make their own choices in life.
Creating a safe, loving healthy haven for me and them is my priority 🙏💕
Hi Jenny,
I am very happy that you feel comfort by connecting with this wonderful community.
I adore your courage and spirit, and please know that you are totally on track.
Jenny you are so right, that by healing you everything else will fall into place
Sending love, breakthroughs and continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Mel, My story below. I originally wrote for the NYTimes : Modern Love Column with the intent to forewarn the next victim. but in the end withdrew – was afraid of blowback. I hope this is somehow helpful to others. Elaine
__________________________________________________________
PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD
“THE NARCISSIST”
by Elaine Morris Palmer © 2020 all rights reserved (Word count 1770)
We arranged to meet at an unexceptional location on the upper Upper East Side. A bar-restaurant I would never set foot in. He was late. The hostess asked if I wanted a table. “No,” I said “I’m not staying.” When I called to see if he was nearby, he answered that he was driving over and looking for a parking spot. Who drives 20 blocks in the City? I thought. I already wondered whether I should just take off. “I’ll give it five more minutes.”
He walked in with a visible limp (old tennis injury?). Otherwise, he looked just like his picture but better. Handsome. Prep-school Preppy. It was late October so button down shirt and V-neck sweater. A shock of grey hair – straight, parted, groomed perfectly. Horn rims and loafers. I think, “my type”. He caught sight of me and knew from my picture I was really the person I said I was. Most Internet dates don’t actually show up that way.
We met online in October 2018. I’m a woman in my late 60’s and a pretty experienced Internet dater. My online profile is perfect now. I offer only positive ruminations about myself and my prospects. I don’t lead with hurt feelings or past disasters. I lead with hope and talk about values.
Then I add in something sort of self-selecting. I admit it. It’s a ploy – to see if you’re paying attention. My “ideal date” they call it on all the questionnaires. NOT the one in a quiet, candle-lit restaurant or walking hand in hand on a moon-lit beach. Mine is “Test drive a Tesla”. I’ve gotten every kind of response from “I don’t own a Tesla, but I’d still like to meet you,” to “I live in Connecticut. I can take the train to Grand Central, no problem.”
This one time was the bell-ringer. “he got it”. The Tesla was the test. When I cited the irony in such a ruse, his clever response was, “I love irony more than life itself.” Ding, ding, ding! It was on.
We perched at the bar for the necessary formalities. Hi, nice to meet you. You look like your picture. Etc, etc. There was instant heat. We were mutually attracted. We exchanged more pleasantries and after not too long – he made his point by touching my crossed legged calf. I let him. I liked it. He knew it.
We took a table and established our social bonafides – schools, camps, rent or own, summer escapes, favorite restaurants, music, politics, travel destinations, and oh, the bonus round, we were/are both very tech Baby Boomers. Our affinities were uncanny. We each marveled at how we’d been breathing the same air for decades. Best of all he lived only two blocks away. Unheard of.
Then he said, “I have something to tell you.” OH NO! There’s something to tell me? ALREADY???
His wife of 49+ years is at home dying of cancer.
WHAT????? Are you seriously saying that we’re on a blind date and there’s actually a wife of a decades-long marriage only blocks away alive, in bed under 24-hour care? “It’s going in the wrong direction,” he explained. She was mostly unconscious now. The prognosis was grim.
I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I thought I’d heard everything. It turned out the wife had been sick for years. The cancer was eating her alive. There was nothing to do but wait.” He claimed three months earlier, when his daughter noticed him “declining,” she encouraged him to “get a girlfriend”. What an endorsement!
“She probably won’t make it past March,” he continued. This was little more than a guess it seemed to me and little did I know, the last truthful words he would ever speak. I was confounded and disheartened to say the least. I thought selfishly, March seemed like a long time to wait. But I stayed in my chair at that cramped little table for two against the wall.
“Oh,” he observed with surprised satisfaction, “you’re not leaving.” “No,” I answered. “I don’t meet men like you every day.” (Eerily prognosticative) He knew he’d “made the sale” he used to say. The real seduction began.
We spent lots of time together. He said I was his “lightning bolt”. My lingering skepticism about his circumstances kept me cautious and mostly platonic. He wanted deeper intimacy and warned that if I didn’t, he couldn’t see the relationship moving forward. I hesitated and from what I saw as adolescent sexual ineptitude (which I mistakenly wrote off as long-term marriage-turned-non-physical partnership) remained unwilling for weeks.
Lots of romantic nights followed. We never stood on ceremony. Neither of us cared who called who or who made the plans. He called me “adorable”. He seemed to delight in surprising me with ever more enticing evenings. One of By Land, The Carlyle Café until closing. We had dates in sexy restaurants and make-outs in the car. Romantic trips. Even “promotional” dinners with old friends and Father’s Day with his kids. I felt like a college girl. My life lit up. My heart was full. We’d entered the “Idealization” or “Love Bombing” phase of what I now know as Pathological Narcissism.
I was selectively blind. He drank too much – lots of Tito’s straight up with olives – which, for a non-drinker like me, became a concern since we drove everywhere. He cut back a little. I still thought the alcohol was clouding his judgement. NOT so. As it turned out, the alcohol, like the dying wife (who did pass away before March) were only camouflaging the deeper psychological problem.
With a lot of hard work – after all we’re not kids anymore, we developed a mutually gratifying, even playful sex life. What I thought, mistakenly, was growing intimacy. We satisfied each other, we cuddled often late into the night, showered together, even cooked together half-naked. We harmoniously blended our wants and needs. So I thought.
We got along brilliantly, never a lull or boredom with the other. Not a harsh word, impatience with a new partner’s sleeping habits or daily ablutions. We traveled contentedly, laughed at the same things. We had the same taste in food and in mostly everything. We were never at a loss for things to talk about, though, in retrospect, it was mostly always about him.
It was June. I mistakenly believed love was in bloom. My friends were right. He just needed time. His attention increased. “I adore you,” he would chirp. But along with Shabbat services, acceptance by his “clan” and what I now know was our fake future came philandering, gaslighting, deflections, denials, passive aggressive accusations and subliminal insults and blame. These are the hallmarks of the “Devaluation” phase of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Once, during one of my frequent overnights and after seemingly passionate love making, I found him online at 2 a.m. in his home/office. When I entered, he quickly switched computer screens. He was still “shopping”. After 3 months, even after 8. When I called him on it, he clucked dismissively, “It means nothing.” Confused and shaken, I failed to realize that when a narcissist has his primary source in place, he seeks new entertainment to bolster his perennially damaged ego. His affection was fake along with everything else.
The “Devaluation” phase was in full swing. Conflict with family and friends. His escapades with his late wife were always the favorite banter whenever we were in the company of his friends. I said nothing out of respect, I thought, for their fond remembrances of her. “Give him time,” I would tell myself as I attended him invisibly.
I was told repeatedly how hurt they were that proper deference wasn’t paid to their mother and friend. I was omitted from important occasions and reminded how unwelcome I was. “Triangulation” is a tactic used by narcissists to inflate themselves. Absences, procrastinations, last minute cancellations, silent treatments all slights all in the name of commemorations to his late wife, obligations to his grieving family. I became anxious this condition might never change. He warned he’d chose them over me if it was my intention to force the issue. Subtle brain washing over something I never said or even intimated. Unbeknownst to me, baiting me to evoke a reaction was his only aim.
One night he was three hours later than our planned appointment. I called to find another woman answering his cell phone. He gaslighted and said no woman, in fact, no one answered his phone. The next day I grabbed my things from the apartment and tried to leave but didn’t. Let’s be real, most narcissistic enmeshment relies on willingness by the “target” to forgive and forget, eternally seeking ways to recapture that early romantic high. And so did I.
Nothing added up. Beautiful though diminishing intervals contrasted by deflating, accusatory words and punishing actions. One minute loving, the next extinguishing. Any relationship discussion was met with a dismissive “This conversation is over.” Defying logic, he seemed to be self-sabotaging the best thing that ever happened to him. I felt crazy. I warned him he was losing me. That I was seeing other men for the first time since we met. He stared back blankly almost childlike – deer in the headlights. Devoid of empathy, they don’t feel things the way we feel them. They don’t hurt the way we hurt.
The more loudly I challenged his careless treatment, the more estranged he became pulling away into disinterest and longer, more frequent silent treatments, a narcissistic hallmark. His final punishment came right before Christmas. With scant notice, he announced his plans to vacation at the Florida condo without me for, of all things, grief counseling. The prescription was ten days of treatment absent outside influences. He said maybe he “could even learn to talk about his feelings”. I choked. The final phases of a narcissistic bond are often “fueled” by fury just as the earliest ones are by adoration.
The New Year came and went without a word. Shortly after, he dangled an email (psychologists call a “hoover”) in front of me to see if I was still game. Over time, what began as the ultimate romantic courtship became a power grab I wouldn’t play. Bewildered and heartbroken, I went “No Contact” with him. It was like an amputation.
I’m now in therapy with an authority on “victims” of narcissistic abuse. The sad fact is that most narcissists have no desire to seek counseling or change in any way. They live in abject fear of rejection and always on a desperate search for admiration, attention and approval. The problem is always someone else’s. The appearance of social and financial success is often, like the desert stage set in Blazing Saddles, a complete illusion.
Believe it or not, I miss the sparkle in his eye and his love of irony every day. Even with the knowledge I have now, it takes herculean will power to stay away.
Elaine,
I really enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for writing it
If only your story were fiction!! I would have loved a “happy ending”.
Is there any way you can publish using a pseudonym?
Would you write the healing ending after a NARP healing?….and empower all women in similar situations? This abuse is universal, not personal so it is critical that we all find our voices and use them when we get free.
Evil does not survive being exposed.
Please publish. Heal. And write the sequel. For everyone’s sake. Please.
Healing is possible. And it takes radical honesty with ourselves in a program like Melanie’s NARP. After freedom, we want to shout about it to point the way for others to be honest too.
Turn on the lights, and speak up.
Wow these videos are an eye opener and I believe You are an answer to cryful prayers. I couldn’t figure it out what was wrong. I did everything as a wife but never ever good enough to stop the yelling screaming. I am not sure why he went to church. Fight at home fight in the car fight on the way home one time he snack d my grandson in the back of the head in church 😲 I was mortified we were in the back row. Oh he puts on a good front for everyone. Now I told him for now we are only roommates he said I can’t live like that I said there is the door. He didn’t leave right now we have too much to deal with property wise and a house full of furniture and stuff. We want to leave it to our kids but it might not happen. Anyway so far so good. We haven’t slept together for years no intimacy and that’s ok with me bc I feel like I live with a robot. I know nothing about the bills Everytime we start he flips out so…my sister is our banker so she is going to be our mediator when I present the financial split of everything. I want it on paper everything we pay for etc. I am actually starting to have some peace and starting to heal I can’t thank you enough I have a long way to go bc all these years 30 married years, I have tried for acceptance and love through food. So I have to take recovery slow and your tools are awesome. I’ve learned so much about myself and my narcissist’s behavior. I know I am NEVER going to be his victim or energy sucker again. Thanks for the courage and education. I thank the Lord for you, this is truly a ministry blessed by God.
Hi Betty Lou,
I’m so happy for you that you are starting to get some peace and heal.
It takes incredible courage Dear Lady for you to take a stand after all these years.
Blessed be and thank you for being such an inspirational model for yourself, your children and so many others
Sending you much love and continued breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much EMD and Melanie, your advice is much appreciated. All of what you speak of resonates with me. I don’t do phone calls, have set up a separate email address for him which I only check once a week, I send him communications on our daughter once a week. We do still text to set up Skype time as he isn’t seeing our daughter at the moment (his choice, he won’t sign the legal undertaking I requested after he threatened to double his care time of our daughter ahead of our court date, and it’s been over two months now). I am keeping a diary of the big events but think I will go back and put together a dossier of all the concerning behaviours, and hope the court will get the picture. I look forward to further healing through this process.
Hi Heather,
you are so welcome.
That’s wonderful that you are doing so well, keep it up!
Much love to you and your daughter
Mel 🙏💕💚
All these stories are similar to mine.
I’ve experienced mild physical abuse and severe emotional and verbal abuse combined with extreme hovering. My spouse can turn so normal and nice so quickly. I had chance to leave once but returned and of course same bad behavior returned.
I can finally afford to go now and I’m and ready to act amidst this Covid crisis. I had to adapt for last 30 yrs of this mrg as I couldn’t afford to get out. I thought things were settling now that we both are in our 60’s , but he is pulling more crap in more covert ways.. he excludes me from finances, won’t put me on his secret acct, The impetus was my spouse almost Rebroke my hand 2 wks ago, which he acted like he was just giving a love squeeze. ( I had broken it in a car wreck a year ago but it has healed but I have to be careful with it still)he’s also been making other snide comments to me about our grown son who’s not living with us, if I don’t allow him to control me he gets verbally abusive etc..just when I get ready to leave he starts the nice guy stuff. But now I see as I get older it will be just as miserable. I plan to sign up for your course but have to wait as I have no free time away from him now other than working part days(thank goodness I’m working)
Thanks for all your inspirational advice and info..
Hi Terri,
that is so wonderful that you are able to honour you and leave now.
Please know how welcome you are and know that you have my support as well as this wonderful community. We have your back!
Sending you love and strength and healing at this time.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
I’m mostly okay and over the ex n now. Thank God, thanks to you!
But my question is not really about the n now. I had this female friend and I feel I don’t want to be her friend anymore, at all. You know, it feels awkward, with romantic relationships there is usually a defined beginning and end (of course, in a perfect world, there would be no end!!) but with friends…I don’t know if I have ever done a “break up” with a so-called friend. Funny thing is that she is a healer and therapist. Recently we had a fight/argument (mostly missunderstading, frustration in my opinion). I think we just don’t have “chemistry” anymore, maybe there never was. I feel she has become cold, nasty, judgemental, resentful towards me. And I haven’t done anything.
I felt she often complained about her life, almost expecting me to find a solution, be a therapist for her. I can be a friend and listen, but I myself am not qualified to be a healer/therapist!
My annoyance and frustration is, how can a person who is healer and therapist be so nasty, have no compassion, understanding towards me, judging me (I don’t go to details here), and be so disempowered in her own life…and then be professional and really nice and skilled with her clients? I feel hurt 🙁
I have shared with her a lot of personal things about me, vulnerable, messy things, reactivity…I obviously was very vulnerable and wounded person, if I became n abused in the first place!
This so called friend just said that I have an “attitude problem”. Okay..? I felt she attacked me at my weak spots. Can I just leave this friend, along with the n, to where they belong…to the past?
Do you have an explanation or are you familiar with this kind of a thing…how can a healer/therapist have so low level of compassion, insight and awareness? I would expect more from such people.
Hi Anonymous,
Please know that all people, exist in all lines of work, from the most supportive to the least.
The real truth is that regardless of who people are in your life, if they have hit your triggers, that it’s time to pull away and heal those parts of yourself that have been negatively activated.
It truly is all for a soul evolutionary reason. Anonymous, please know it’s not important whether or not she has compassion for you, truly in as far as your life, truth, values and generation of all that is important to you, what is important is your own compassion and support for you.
There lies incredible liberation and healing!
I know that this could be painful for you, but on the other side of this, I promise you there will be incredible freedom and growth.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
thank you for your reply, I appreciate it! I get what you are saying but I still feel little bit annoyed you know…I know I should do my own inner work and deal with my own inner stuff…and at the same time, these certain people are completely ignorant to the fact that they hurt my feelings and ride happily into the sunset, as if nothing has happened. They are not accountable for their actions, they have no care how I feel. Yep, I think I do not need such “friends”!! I think I have to accept the fact that some people just ARE like this and it’s not my fault and it’s nothing personal.
Now when you challenged my thinking, I really reflected 🙂 I think the triggers could be:
– other people are favoured and I’m not (I’m being unfairly treated, other people are treated with respect and care and I’m not)
– people who should be reliably caring, reliable and compassionate towards me are not
– I’m being ignored, I’m alone in a relationship
– I feel I have to be loyal no matter what, even if I don’t like this person
But then I have also some friends, that have been my friends already 10-20 years and they are consistently, reliably good and nice to me, never triggering anything. That must mean that they are true friends <3 I think it is time for me to discern who is actually my real friend and who is not. And not feel false loyalty and guilt for ending relationship with such persons that just make me feel bad.
Hi Anonymous,
You are very welcome.
That is so humble and powerful that you did the self-reflection.
I totally agree with you that there are people who are not healthy to be in a relationship with. The beautiful thing is when you do the inner work on these triggers, you will easily let go of these people, without any need to go within to get resolution on it. It will just be clean and easy.
Does the simplicity and the evolution of this make sense?
Mel 🙏💕💚
My narc kept increasing the sexual promiscuity and danger level. Jesse insisted on unprotected sexual behavior and insisted on anal sex which belittled me and ultimately led to suicidal behavior because I suffered and endured numerous STD health complications
I’m currently staying with my 82 year old mother, who displays many borderline tendencies and my father who is 85 and shows narc characteristics. I’m 53 and I own a pet care/homecare business. We all have preexisting health concerns that put us in the highly venerable category. I’ve be using the guidelines of how to come in and out, how to process groceries the proper way and doing everything I can to keep us as safe as possible. My dad is struggling with the limitations of the stay at home order. He is working (yes he still works) from home. He’s often screaming about how unfair all this has become. When I asked him to look at his actions and see how the additional stress is a negative factor for all of us, he agreed to be more thoughtful. Two days later he took himself to the store, didn’t follow any precautions and ripped me a new one when I stated “please have the same consideration for me as I have for you”. I’m currently looking for a new place to live. In the past it didn’t make sense to spend money to live in an apartment I’d never see, but I’m starting to see that this will be a much longer period of time that we will be social distancing. Sometimes I feel like I’m the Narc when these moments happen, like maybe I’m making it about me, but honestly, they have just as many reasons to be concerned as I do. They just believe Covid-19 it is a hoax.
Wow! This article is really timely! After 5 years, yes that’s right 5 years of absolutely no contact from an ex-narcissist I received a Facebook message very recently asking how I’m doing during the pandemic and that he basically hopes that I’m well and happy.
I should explain that this was a man who was looking to move into a house , we went looking together, in my city to be near me and professing his love and devotion. I really genuinely believed him. We spent so much time together. The reality was that he was engaged to another woman the entire time and making plans for a life with her in a different city. It all came to light and he went to be with her and let me know that he didn’t love me. I never understood why he ever reached out to me to begin with all those years back if he was already happily engaged to another woman, like why include me in that drama? I didn’t ask for any of that. I never heard from him again, it was emotionally devastating and it took me a couple of years to feel like myself again. In that time I never reached out either or cyber stalked him, I didn’t want to know anything and be hurt by it. I couldn’t believe he would never reach out to me again. We had known each other for years before all of this happened and it was like losing a friend too, I couldn’t believe he could let all that go so easily. It made me question if he even was a narcissist.
Eventually I moved on and while it still hurt to some degree, I got my life back. You can imagine my absolute shock when I saw that message. I didn’t reply but it has brought up a lot of emotions and so many unanswered questions about what happened. I should add that the message was so casual, like we are old friends jut catching up, no acknowledgement or apology as to his lying and terrible treatment of me. That part was mind blowing to me! Has anybody ever had a narcissist reach out after years of absolutely no contact? Or had this happen during this pandemic? I appreciate this forum to be able to express what I’m feeling.
Hi Jenna,
please know that absolutely narcissists can make contact even after years of absence.
It’s what narcissists do when they are low on narcissistic supply, start circling back through ex partners to see who they can get energy from.
That is rampant in this community at the moment as a result of COVID-19 lockdowns.
Keep healing and keep thriving sweetheart. This is not your reality.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am in my fifties. Married by age 23 separated by 42. Ongoing divorce and property settlement. No end in sight after 13 years in court Delays and new Actions are order of the day in order to not gainfully proceed Or offers of not realizable settlement papers. Sisters assist him in smearing me. I cared my ailing and financially ailing parents without their moral or financial support. Maybe one of the reasons they support him. Country I live in is small and gossipy. They seem to support him as he has retained control of property and career ( I sacrificed mine easily for him and then the children) is his hovering through court and never settling ? I listen and can feel connected to what you are saying I also resonate with others on the blog. When I did modules it throws up not necessary right then. So much that I ignored or distracted myself from. He was always cold hurtful abd could be charming to others in public He says all women love him. I thought he was mad but realized how much he was correct by my lack of support or compassion felt since
however I feel it is so long to get out of this emotional demise
Hi Mel,
The narc is actually respecting my boundaries and acting remorseful…and I’m confused!! I was done in January and now
Hes trying to pay Bill’s we had together and admitting to wrongs and admitting he was abusive. My responce is that’s great you realized a,b,c but if your not getting treatment you cant be in my life. We share a kid so I keep all convo about her.
What is going on mel? Why is he being so nice? He even told me things he missed about us….like how we’d laugh together.
Hi Sabrina,
please know that this can happen! And, when starting to trust again and reconnect, then the bad behaviour can re-energise, even worse than ever.
Please Google my name plus accountability and boundaries plus what would it take for a narcissist to heal.
These resources may help you get clear about what you’re dealing with right now.
Sending you love and strength
Mel 🙏💕💚
My mom had a stroke (she’s in her 70s) a few months ago and decided to leave my dad (50+ years married) when she was released from rehab a month later. My dad, NPD and Borderline Personality Disorder, tried to kill himself and was revived. He was inpatient for less than 2 weeks. He oscillates between suicidal when he loses hope she’ll come home and “doing well” under the hopes that she’ll come home. She refuses to speak to him. I’m in the middle since she is living with me now. My sisters have cut communication with him. I can’t because my mom’s here. This pandemic is making it all so much worse because he’s alone. For decades, he has been wholly dependent on my mom. Now, he can’t be – and he is tearing me apart with his roller coaster. I’m just trying not to push him over the edge but it’s just exhausting. “No one can understand how this feels” for him. He is completely blind to what he’s been doing to everyone – mostly me. I’m glad my therapist pointed me here and hope I can find some tools to help me in dealing with him. He is an emotional terrorist and can’t even see it.
Helo
I am a 30 year old girl married to a 52 year old Narcist.
It’s been a year and a half and through out our journey, we had so many fights and he always blamed me! I changed a lot and tried to adapt and live upon his way but now I left to my parent’s house trying to figure out what to do next!
He doesn’t trust me although i never gave him a reason not to.
Nothing is enough for him! All the effort I do, he always find something to nag about!
When we have a misunderstanding, He gives me the silent treatment for 1 month and never want to talk about what happened and never give a solution, even though i always try to communicate with Him .. until I give up at the end and call my dad to end things with my husband but he always find a way to blame me and try to make me look bad, and then things calm down, whenever i decide to leave, and i go back to him giving our marriage another chance without even having a closure to what happened !
Now I’m so tired from this attitude and after i heard the videos and read your blog, i understand better that he will never change and i need to get my life back!
But i would like to anticipate what he might do, would he just leave me alone or He won’t cooperate !
I am convinced now that he is a true narcist and I won’t be able to change him! I want to be reasonable but i really love my husband or at least the person he used to be when we first met !
Now we don’t communicate but we need to sort things out and i dont know how !