Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Be Hoover Proof This Valentine’s Day

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 3
47
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Valentine’s Day can be a very traumatic and painful time for many people in this community.

From my experience, it’s a narcissist’s favourite time to hoover.

And naturally, if we are still reeling in the pain and confusion of being originally adored, and then devalued and discarded, we may hope we’ll be able to resist a narcissistic hoover attempt.

But can we?

It is SO much easier said than done!

And then there is another potentially painful situation, which is: you may not receive contact from the narcissist this Valentine’s Day at all. And, until healed from your inner trauma, this may feel devastating.

It’s common to want to believe that we matter to the narcissist; to know that he or she is thinking about us.  Special events like Valentine’s Day absolutely bring that to the front and centre of our thoughts and feelings.

Naturally, you may be hoping that finally the narcissist has woken up and wants to reunite and love you for real this time.

Like many of us, I have experienced both situations with narcissists. I gave in to a Valentine’s Day hoover one year, for disastrous results, and another year I received no contact at all and was totally heartbroken.

Oh, I know … just how PAINFUL Valentine’s Day can be!

And this is why I wanted to do this Thriver TV episode for you today – to help you be prepared, hoover-proof and have a great plan to keep you healing, moving forward and not pining for the narcissist, regardless of whether you are contacted or not.

In today’s Thriver TV, I share with you not only how to be relieved of the pain, but how to turn Valentine’s Day into a powerful amplification and manifestation of the very love that you DO desire!

It’s such a relief now to experience Valentine’s Day in healthy, happy ways with a man who genuinely loves and adore me!

And, I soooo hope and wish, with every cell of my being, that I can inspire you with the insights of this video, to bring about this beautiful change into your life too.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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47 Thoughts on How To Be Hoover Proof This Valentine’s Day
  • tetreault.gloria@yahoo.com'
    Anonymous
    February 9, 2018

    I’ve been married for 32+ years and knew my husband as a friend since I was 15. He was my first boyfriend. I was drawn to his mildness and humility and the way he cared for others. I began dating him at the age of 19 for 2 1/2 years. I was shocked at the revealing of his childhood and thought I could love his pain away. That should be enough I thought! There were many times if uneadiness and red flags but I was too young and naive to realize the seriousness of what would become immediately after marriage. My inner gut was telling me to break it off…but. I’ve researched all those years to try to get him help while I was declining in many ways, but couldn’t put my finger on it..till recently. It broke my heart into many pieces to not be able to help him with his pain. But, I became his outlet. I ended up with many ailments physically, mentally and emotionally. Then… something happened 7 months ago…My daughter was the last straw. My husband was encouraging her self destructive habits to get back at me and I pointed at her and said I’m leaving because of you. You need the chance to live. (I also, had to do it for me!) It had become a horror show, this was not home! I was called a narcissist by my husband. I never heard of the term till he brought it up so I researched it so I could fix myself if it were true. Oh my God! Chills ran down my spine, I was in shock! It wasn’t me, it was him that fit the criteria! It was a very hard pill to swallow. But, since that day, in which I am grateful for, I have educated myself about it to the extreme. But, recently I’ve decided to take a turn. It’s time for me to heal from the inside. I like myself now, I’m at peace and not one day since I left do I miss him. Not gonna lie, I have my bad times but now I’m ready to heal my inner child and do some housecleaning for me! Because I am lovable and so isn’t that precious little inner girl who needs me. We will embark on our journey… Thank you for your help. I have only one thing holding me back from this healing. Is this hypnotism? Don’t quite understand it and am cautious because I want to be present in my mind, if that makes sense. PS..I’ve discovered I have a VOICE!!! After so many years of being silenced! Yey! Please don’t post my name..

    • newday58@outlook.com'
      Darlene
      February 10, 2018

      Me too , you have written a similar story first love and married 38 years , thee children now adult , seven grandchildren . The tipping point became my hystectomy then retirement and aging. His false self became older dispite his mostly younger friends. He looked for youth with someone 12 years younger who was in a dissolving marriage for sexual problems supposedly on both sides. He used financial means to underhandedly move financial gains of our marriage to himself alone. He was the king of his kingdom not me as co- creator. He had an affair then started the underhanded nests of deflecting on me in private , you are fat , your kids don!t like you , head games of the despicable nature. He pathologically lied so he believed his own lies but sadly so did others. “I had to leave her ” when in fact I challenged him either you are with me or you are out the door. He left saying I had to leave her. He continued his affair with the Dr who got pregnant at age 48 three months after he left the home. I filed for divorce four months after he left spent Christmas by my self. Six months after I he left he invited my daughter to meeting with his quite pregnant girl friend . This man that has grandchildren older than his child shocked his daughter who is a teacher , married with 4 children to of her own. He knew he had to win her over as she was the oldest and winning her was significant to his acceptance as the head of his kingdom children. My X arranged insurance damage to our vacation condo did not tell me, arranged funds to go to him alone. Insurance call d me as co owner. Game outed deceit I had the cheque sent to me then cashed half to save as he would leave me with full bill. I saved funds knowing it had to be fixed. I was able to fix insurance damage listed for sale X refused to sign. He wanted me to have pay for all the damage and him sail in with his girlfriend and stay at my condo like a legitimate family . All the friends, neighbours (same community) , children , grandchildren alienated me with his influence. I move forward with inner strenghth to get divorced. The narc used his influence on all he knew to save himself dispite the affair and child.
      I am an RN he feels he upped his esteem by his association with her. I was a retired hystectomy, RN means he would old too.
      How sick is this . My children I still try to connect with but they distance from me as I tried to somewhat explain my case. They remain hoodwinked by him. They cover their ears to any case of what their dream of what our marriage was.
      I have had counselling to deal with this painful divorce of emotional, financial, alienation and total destruction of a life time of work to develop. I put in huge efforts to keep rolling while he only thought of himself and his ego.
      I am determined to get my 50 % of proceeds of marriage. I had to turn into sluth, detective, self actualization he was never able to love and care for me in the manner I needed. The mask came off his face reviealing the devil he presents .
      I have used melanietonia.com to heal. Thank you for sharing and start the healing process.

      • so_fine_today@yahoo.ca'
        Sandra
        February 10, 2018

        Be Strong!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 10, 2018

        Hi Darlene,

        wishing you every success and blessing for you nd yours going forward.

        Mel xo

      • Jaguar32767@gmail.com'
        Jae
        February 17, 2018

        I’m amazed at the similarities in all of our situations and truths.

        I have not seen my own grandchild (9 months). The new wife (my daughters age) has and continues to post on social media.
        Is it healthy to have a conversation only friendship with her ex whom is as torn as I?

        He has. 3 and 5 year old! My ex said he wanted a redo but preached damnation and hell to “our family” for 30
        Years. How do they literally discard after caterers and destroy multitudes of relationships?

        My own mother has no contact with my daughter and now my son is showing extreme behavior changes and I was left out of his engagement and marriage.

        I’m. Hanging on to one child and thinking I just need to focus on healing and keeping her from seeing me hurt. I find myself having to just pretend all the tome

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2018

      Hi Anonymous,

      I love that you have decided that it is your time to heal … and YES you are lovable, and for so long we had defined our “lovableness’ on how other people treated us – which is NOT the truth!

      You are so welcome regarding my help … ok what I would love you to do is to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where you will discover everything about this healing process.

      It is a deep meditation – not hypnosis and yes you are in control – totally! However having said that there is cellular healing taking place outside the range of what your conscious mind can understand – and that is EXACTLY what needs to happen, because our conscious mind does not have the power to heal trauma.

      Anyway come and experience – that is really the only way you can get to ‘feel and know” my healing process.

      That’s great you have your voice – and wonderful that you voiced that concern because that is what being true to ourselves is all about.

      Looking forward to partnering with you for your healing soon!

      Mel xo

  • tetreault.gloria@yahoo.com'
    Anonymous
    February 9, 2018

    That was my first public post EVER!

  • fwstrongiv@yahoo.com'
    Eric
    February 9, 2018

    Is there a guy equivalent to the gathering? 😊
    I love candles and essential oils as much as the next person but…😜

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2018

      Hi Eric,

      as I stated in the video, join in with girl mates if you like – or have your own process with you. And you can include or not include anything you like.

      Mel xo

  • dnabartell@gmail.com'
    donna
    February 9, 2018

    love the cat

  • romeojo555@gmail.com'
    Josephine Romeo
    February 9, 2018

    I decided to be proactive. I turned my attention to what is not wavering, my children’s hearts. Giving them appreciation is far more rewarding than any false sentiment from a Narc. I am no longer interested in what the Narc ex is doing because its only an action of manipulation if its directed towards me. There’s no valid care or concern from the Narc and I see it as just a robot acting human, seeking supply. I’m just not interested in being anything to a narcisst for any holiday.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2018

      Hi Josephine,

      that is wonderful you have detached at that core level.

      Well done 🙂

      Mel xo

  • harveytrish@yahoo.com'
    Anon
    February 9, 2018

    the “discarded again” t-shirt – so funny!!! Tiggy’s so cute – mwah to him x 1 million

  • Cath.lloyd@btinternet.com'
    Kate
    February 9, 2018

    For years my husband made a big thing about designing and painting a Valentine card for me so my own bought versions were fairly undervalued in the light of his major contribution! I made up for my shortcomings (!) by giving him a Valentines gift too, though this was rarely reciprocated.

    Last year I’d been subjected to nearly four months of the silent treatment. I didn’t know what that was, except an obvious punishment for doing something silly a few months earlier. I’d apologised but he wouldn’t let it go and made a huge deal about it, even telling friends and family what I’d done to shame me. I rose above it as it wasn’t actually dreadful, just a misjudgement. I hoped others would accept things and move on too. My own friends laughed and shrugged off my apologies, not making a big deal about anything. Joint friends have, however, stopped seeing us. The silent treatment had serious consequences and my health was dreadful and I wasn’t coping at work.

    Last Valentines Day I bought simple presents and a pretty card and left them in his study. It was obvious he’d not spent the previous evening there painting the usual card so I was a bit unnerved. Sure enough, he left early and when he returned he neither mentioned Valentines Day or opened his gift. The whole day went unnoticed. I wept and wept and on 16th February bought myself a red bouquet of flowers and some chocolates to cheer myself up. He didn’t comment on that either. A month later I saw he’d opened the gift but I never saw the whereabouts of the card.

    Things have been going from bad to worse since then. We exist in part silence and he pleases himself totally. He never says thank you for anything I do or give, he is rude and distant. I suppose I’ll have to buy my own bouquet again this year.

  • dee.cowhig1@gmail.com'
    Dee
    February 10, 2018

    Thank you Mel, I’ve been getting all worked up about Valentine’s Day and my birthday on the 16th… and how I thought I’d be loved and treated so well this year by my now ex narc fiancé….
    I am going to turn it on it’s head now and celebrate instead!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2018

      Hi Dee,

      I am so pleased that this came at the right time for you – and that you are going to flip it around and adore and empower you.

      Go you Lovely Lady!!

      Mel xo

  • annieharden@optusnet.com.au'
    Annie
    February 10, 2018

    Hi Mel,
    Thank you for your wonderful insights and the ceremony with close girlfriends sounds a fantastic idea to increase self-love.
    I want come back as Tiggy in my next life – he just knows how to relax…
    Much love
    Annie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2018

      Hi Annie,

      it’s my absolute pleasure Dear Lady 🙂

      Oh I so hope you have a beautiful Gathering!!They ARE divine!

      Tiggy is a champion at relaxation, his life is pretty good 🙂

      Much love to you too sweetheart.

      Mel xo

  • kitykaty55@gmail.com'
    Kathleen
    February 10, 2018

    Dear Mel.
    The very clear way you describe everything that happens when you have a relationship with a narcissist is so true. It is now 5 years with no contact and
    that is absolutely 100% the way i want it. The only way i will get hoovered by a narcissist on valentine night is in my dreams or should i say nightmare
    lol. I have not had a date in 5 years It was important to learn the lesson. I hope in the future to have a relationship with a man who genuinely love and adore me as i am an attractive kind caring loving intelligent person that is what i believe and that is what i deserve. You have inspired hope in me with your
    Narp programme and your own life is the perfect example that it works and you absolutely deserve it.
    Thank you Melanie for sharing the healing process so we can all heal and move forward.
    Kindest Regards
    Kathleen

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2018

      Hi Kathleen,

      that is so great that you are free of hoover danger! And wonderful that you feel inspired to create Love again. I am so happy for you that you feel like this!

      Very soon I am doing a special event with my great friend Kathryn Woodward Thomas – who is the love-creation guru! (she is amazing) so I can’t wait to hare that with you – it will inspire you even more 🙂

      Mel xo

  • michelle.olson1967@gmail.com'
    Michelle Olson
    February 10, 2018

    I am here by Googling ,”How to deal with a Narcissist when you can’t avoid them”. I have an on-going relationship with a Narcissist that I have done everything I knew how to minimize if not totally avoid. The Narc is my ex and by proxy, his wife. I had a relationship with him 18 years ago, a child with him 17 years ago, separated 14 years ago with shared custody for 5 years, then I lost my shared custody in a lengthy emotionally and financially exhausting custody case. I had every other weekend and Thursday dinner custody for 9 years until I had to move 5 hours away for my now husbands job. I see my son once a month for a 4 day weekend and I (try to) talk to him 1 x a week by phone. (They often don’t answer or if they do they hang up on me) When I am able to talk to him, he has to be in a common area of the house with his dad or step mom in the room, he has to have me on speaker phone.

    When I lost custody 9 years ago, I worked very very hard to keep any and all communication emotionless and minimal. About 2-3 times a year, I get an email from his ex wife (I never ever have any direct communication with my ex, since we started the shared custody 14 years ago, always through the new wife) that is emotionally abusive and accusatory , regarding some perceived misdeed or slight on my part. Do I need to add that in the custody case that dragged on 3 years and cost around $200,000, they falsely accused me of every immoral and illegal act you can imagine? I stick to “Just the facts ma’m” in the email replies and do what I can to correct the issue if it is indeed something I have any control over I.e. the dog chewed his shoes up while he was visiting at Christmas. I bought a new pair. I did not, however, email the adults in regards to that. I was accused of being sneaky and duplicitous regarding the replacement of the shoes, disrespectful regarding “allowing” my 6 month old lab puppy chew up his shoes and immoral by teaching my son to sneak and just replacing items instead of engaging with them. It was horrible. ((I just realized that the emails used to be about 1x a month and over the years have lessened to 3-4 a year. I must be doing something 66-75% less supply giving!)) I know they hate me but I never in a million years thought they would still be trying to get supply from me. Yuck.

    My question is, (Wow, yes I do need to heal this wounding from my childhood! and will work on that shortly) I received an email yesterday about how rotten I am for not having the birth certificate changed to list my son’s dad’s surname. We went to court in 2002 (still together!) to have his name legally changed to his Dad’s but inadvertently did not file it properly so my son’s surname is still listed as mine! His father had the court form from 2002, he has has full custody since 2007-8, he is fully capable of contacting the court to get the info corrected on the birth certificate. Her email accused me of somehow inducing the state to NOT change the name and deny them a copy? I have no idea what even really happened other than apparently our son’s birth certificate was never correctly amended and *gasp* his last name is still the same as mine!

    I absolutely can work to correct it. I have all the documents that are needed to make it right and honestly probably will because I hate that they tell my son horrible things about me. I know that when I see him this month he will tell me that she told him “insert lie here”, that I schemed to keep his name as mine and did something scurrilous to prevent them from getting a copy of the birth certificate or prevent him from having his father’s last name. They told him years ago when he was 7-8 during the custody case that they would always tell him the “truth” about me and keep him in the know at all times to show him what a bad mom I am.

    Okay, now the question: Is there any way to reply to them that is not giving them the narc supply that will point out that they are able to get this info themselves but that I went ahead and did it anyway? Should I just email saying the forms have been filled out and mailed in and will be 6-12 weeks in processing but the change is underway and copies will be forth coming?

    During the big custody fight, the only way I survived was accepting he was a Narc and that I wasn’t crazy by my in-depth reading and studying on the subject of the Narcissist, emotional abuse, etc. I know I am not crazy. I know I am a good mom and loving person.

    • michelle.olson1967@gmail.com'
      Michelle Olson
      February 10, 2018

      Meant to let you know that I am coming back to sign up for a Webinar for a date hopefully during the week, my weekends are booked with work.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 11, 2018

        Hi Michelle,

        please know lovely lady, once you are signed up you get a recording sent, which you can listen to at any time that works for you! And it is just as effective doing it that way.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2018

      I am so sorry you have been that terrible trauma and alienation with your son.

      And that is great that you now want to heal and are going to be a part of this Community at this level – it is your time. I know we can help you so much.

      I would just say you have lodged the documentation and copies are forthcoming – nothing else is necessary – and would only start up the attacks again. Just ignore any response.

      I wish you every success, healing and blessing possible Michelle.

      Mel xo

  • radmosaic@gmail.com'
    Opal
    February 10, 2018

    I left the ex and last February V day, met him for breakfast because I still had lingering pity for him, plus he owed me money and he had the cash! When we met, last year, I had not heard of hoovering and was dumbstruck at all the little gifts and flowers and candy ( and the money he owed! ) he had brought. We had breakfast and all I could think was I could not wait to get away from him. Later my friend told me about hoovering, and that opened my door to finding Melanie and learning more. I started no contact almost a year ago and stayed strong despite his emails texts and voicemails, and this Valentines Day I do not want to hear from him and am not sad at all if I dont hear from him. I am so proud of myself for getting out of that crazy making time ( 4 years living with) , and I am not alone, we all are capable, we just have to get clear of the mind trips and believe in our worth and have a plan( my plan took me 1 year to safely leave him )

  • radmosaic@gmail.com'
    Opal
    February 10, 2018

    oh PS how could I , a cat lover, forget to mention your beautiful Tiggy! What a cool cat!

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    February 11, 2018

    Hi Melanie!
    On january I read a womens/weekly magazine. It told about the football player Cristiano Ronaldo, who got an injure in his face during the game and lot of blood came from the wound. He asked a mirror (or the screen of a mobile phone) to check his face. And the article said: “many considered this as narcissistic”. I was like what!? That gesture is not narcissistic, neither makes him “narcissistic”. I think we ALL in a similar situation would instinctively want to check where the wound is, how bad it is. Or maybe the gesture was vanity…but narcissistic, I don’t think so! My point is; it annoys me how freely, how thoughtlessly the media (funnily, I’m an editor too!) uses the n word. I think it takes the attention away from the fact how serious issue this is.
    I endured the n 3 years, have fully recovered now, I do not want to go into “the story” now, we all know how it goes! 🙁 But at the lowest point, I wanted to kill myself every day, I would have not recovered without the help from a doctor, Melanie and energy healing.
    It is also annoying how some womens magazines give all kinds of “quizzes” to determine whether someone is a n…usually these are very airy-fairy, fluffy, superficial. The same magazines say that “we all are n’s to some degree, at least a tiny bit”. My thought is this: if someone is a n, then he is, if someone is normal, then s/he is! I used to fool myself, “excuse” the weird behaviour of the n ex, that “sometimes he is nice”, “maybe he is a mild case of a n”. But the point is, he is still a n! 🙁

    Now I say this with a sense of humour, but I find it also problematic, when many women describe their ex’s saying that they are n’s (when they are not!). Usually this word is used, when the woman is still angry, resenting etc. the ex, in other words, wanting to “call names”, then the “narcissist” sort of becomes a synonym to “swine”, “immature”, “cheater” or something like that.

    It is sad, because my ex truly IS a narcissist. I have wished with all my heart that this wasn’t the case but it is. How wonderful man he would have been without this! 🙁

    I’ve been thinking, maybe I shouldn’t even tell about it to any future partners or even any female friends, I fear I will not be taken seriously 🙁 Thank God for this forum, here my experience is fully understood and validated! For other people, I prefer to say (if I indeed need to give some explanation to someone), that my ex just had a “difficult character” or that “we were simply incompatible”. What are your thoughts Melanie about this?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2018

      Hi Anna,

      REALLY … please!!! I agree that the term narcissist is being bandied around WAY too much and is often applied to people who do not have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

      Anna, I am so happy you came through the dark night of the soul and have recovered. Anna we are s blessed here that we have our tribe -people who deeply understand exactly what being with an N means and all it entails. I personally don’t tell people my exs were narcissists – it takes to long to explain ‘what that means!” Although, some people have brought up the word themselves explaining their ex partners – and then I do. I just say abusive (and like you said these conversations are really few and far between) – people understand that!

      Hopefully, this book will help spread awareness about what N really means!

      Mel xo

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Anna
        February 12, 2018

        Thank you Melanie, for doing this awesome work.
        Now I’m 42 years old and I’d like to say the most painful thing I’ve probably ever told anyone, I thought can I even say this publicly on internet? But now that you mentioned Katherine Woodward Thomas…I did her online course that was meant for finding “the one”. The course was excellent, she is very good, and professional, because she is a licensed psychotherapist. Soon after I finished the course, to my delight, I met “the one”…the narcissist!! This is beyond horrible. Of course, it took me over 2 years to realise, that he is not normal, he is n.
        I was so naive, so much in love, had so much blind faith, so much “false sense of security”, like, you know, “now that I’ve completed this course, I’m healed, this was a course about finding the one, so this man logically MUST be the one”. It has been very, very, very hard to let go of that dream…that he is “the one” and we’ll live happily ever after.
        The course offered wonderful group support from other students…soon for me it started to feel “group pressure”, I had told everyone about my “success”, was full of happiness how I’ve now indeed met the one…I was beyond ashamed and embarrased, that I had failed again, this man is not and cannot be the one, or any kind of suitable boyfriend.
        Yep, then the “dark night of the soul” began 🙁 I was so angry to her, the course, life and everyone, I felt so betrayed and fooled, humiliated…and at the same time, deeply in love with him, despite of continuous silent treatments and triangulation…

        But no worries, nowadays I’m a different, new person! Balanced, happy and evolved a lot, for sure! 🙂 I am not angry at Katherine or do not blame her of anything, it was not her fault. I now think these self-development courses little bit like weight loss, everyone has a different starting point….looks like I had metaphorically more “extra weight” (childhood trauma, false beliefs etc.) to drop than maybe other participants. But I was so in a hurry and obsessed finding “the one” and then the n appeared, of course perfectly playing the role of the “soulmate”, yep, this is what they do 🙂
        What I’ve learned, first I need to “self-partner”, and only after that I can find a real partner for me.

        I don’t nowadays even think of it as a “failure” anymore. In a mysterious way, I think maybe it all was “divinely ordered”, I think I “needed” to have him in my life, so that I would see where I still need to grow/evolve/heal etc. I like it when Katherine said, “you need to go out and live the life, experience the in’s and out’s, ups and downs, because that’s when you align with the strongest parts of you”.

        Sorry this became so long 🙂
        I feel relief that I could write all this. I just want to encourage everyone, that if I was able to survive all this, and not just survive but to become a better person because of this…then everyone can <3

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 12, 2018

          Hi Anna,

          it’s my pleasure 🙂

          Truly, for all of us ‘the one’ at that time is the person who is reflecting back to us our healed parts AND our unhealed parts. I truly believe every relationship we have (that is impactful) is “for us” and not “to us” to HIT those parts of us that require becoming conscious so that we can heal them.

          So much of “relationship attraction” takes courage – because of course, we may meet a powerful connection where we still have some healing to go. This is where if we (and I did it too) are in our head, rather than fully anchored in our body we can miss warning signs, not show up fully honouring ourselves and make choices to stay and ignore things that our inner bells are going off at – “warning warning” because we dont want to confront something – either because we may still carry some young fears of being criticised, rejected, abandoned, punished (C.R.A.P.) or we dont want to face thhe possibility that this person is not the person we really want them to be.

          The first time I did Katherine’s Course I met “my one” and he reflected back to me wonderful aspects of myself I had healed (complete freedom from repeat relationship patterns which used to also show up), and also the stuff that I still needed to heal .. and the relationship didn’t last – but it was perfect for my growth! My partner now, Brad, reflects back to me so many of my internal breakthroughs and we still work at areas that I have not shored up within me yet – which this relationship is helping me to achieve. That is the purpose of “intimate relationship”. I think the hugest lesson here is to remain connected to our inner being, and our continual development and never assume it is “done” – it’s not!

          How wonderful in the reflection that is exactly what you have realised too … it’s not the course or the teacher’s fault – in fact “fault” doesn’t even come into it – it is ALL in perfect and divine order – it is just our constant evolution!

          Your post is incredibly inspirational Anna, and thank you for sharing!

          Many blessings to you 🙂

          Mel xo

          , I met “the one”…the narcissist!! This is beyond horrible. Of course, it took me over 2 years to realise, that he is not normal, he is n.
          I was so naive, so much in love, had so much blind faith, so much “false sense of security”, like, you know, “now that I’ve completed this course, I’m healed, this was a course about finding the one, so this man logically MUST be the one”. It has been very, very, very hard to let go of that dream…that he is “the one” and we’ll live happily ever after.
          The course offered wonderful group support from other students…soon for me it started to feel “group pressure”, I had told everyone about my “success”, was full of happiness how I’ve now indeed met the one…I was beyond ashamed and embarrased, that I had failed again, this man is not and cannot be the one, or any kind of suitable boyfriend.
          Yep, then the “dark night of the soul” began 🙁 I was so angry to her, the course, life and everyone, I felt so betrayed and fooled, humiliated…and at the same time, deeply in love with him, despite of continuous silent treatments and triangulation…

          But no worries, nowadays I’m a different, new person! Balanced, happy and evolved a lot, for sure! 🙂 I am not angry at Katherine or do not blame her of anything, it was not her fault. I now think these self-development courses little bit like weight loss, everyone has a different starting point….looks like I had metaphorically more “extra weight” (childhood trauma, false beliefs etc.) to drop than maybe other participants. But I was so in a hurry and obsessed finding “the one” and then the n appeared, of course perfectly playing the role of the “soulmate”, yep, this is what they do 🙂
          What I’ve learned, first I need to “self-partner”, and only after that I can find a real partner for me.

          I don’t nowadays even think of it as a “failure” anymore. In a mysterious way, I think maybe it all was “divinely ordered”, I think I “needed” to have him in my life, so that I would see where I still need to grow/evolve/heal etc. I like it when Katherine said, “you need to go out and live the life, experience the in’s and out’s, ups and downs, because that’s when you align with the strongest parts of you”.

          Sorry this became so long 🙂
          I feel relief that I could write all this. I just want to encourage everyone, that if I was able to survive all this, and not just survive but to become a better person because of this…then everyone can <3

          • anna_elina@luukku.com'
            Anna
            February 13, 2018

            Thank you Melanie, you understand! <3 Did you do Katherine's course too, interesting! Of course the good course reviews, "success stories" hooked me in, I did not realise all may not get similar "instant success" immediately. Of course they use these success stories as marketing material, that's perfectly understandable!

            I think these courses (and my age) cause certain expectations and social pressure…but I think I just need to stop comparing myself to other people! (and when I focus on "other people", I'm not connected to myself at all!).

            I think I did the course intellectually, was "in my head". Like K. said, there's a difference between information and transformation! I thought I was "done" with healing, and in reality, had barely started it! 🙁 That was a dangerous assumption, no wonder the n mess started…(or beautifully said, he appeared in to my life, to "inform" me about it!)

            I even told the n about this course, my fears, worries, insecurities, woundings etc. and he patiently listened to it, seemed to care, was even encouraging and supporting…gosh how "talented" they are doing this!! :/

            I've been endlessly asking myself these questions…why he became (or was born) so severely damaged (a narcissist) and his brother is normal? Why I have so much trauma and drama, and my sister has been happily married over 15 years, without ever doing any self-development or any healing at all whatsoever? My aunt and uncle are similar, they met when they were 16 years old, and now when they are over 70 years, they are still happily together, isn't it sweet!
            I joke now, but sometimes I think, "why I need to work so hard to "get a man", this is ridiculous, why other people get everything so easily?".
            But I think it's best to stop thinking these questions, I think I (or anyone) will never know or find the answers to them!

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            February 14, 2018

            Hi Anna,

            I sure do! Yes I did her Course and twice used her processes to bring in ‘the one’ The first time I still had unhealed stuff and even though this gentleman was a big step up – he reflected back to me where I was not healed and I had no choice other than to terminate the relationship – but he was ‘the one” back then who would show me where I was at with myself! And the healing from that (NARP) and working again with the processes (CITO) brought me to Brad.

            We do need to do the work in our body, deeply and intently otherwise we haven’t healed and shifted that’s the truth! And Katherine work is SO about that! In today’s video I talk about how when we tell them all about our wounds – we hand them all the bullets to shoot us with … check it out!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe0Hslak1fM&t=871s

            Please know Anna some of us have big sou evolution to do, and lots of trauma to release and up-level from. It is what it is!! Try NARP – truly it will get you there faster and more powerfully than you know. It is how we all did it (the Thrivers) in this Community – and I promise you we were the same!

            http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

            Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    February 11, 2018

    Loved the suggestions for the Valentine gathering! I won’t have girlfriends over for that (I’m in a different city than them ) but I’m gonna do it with my self!
    Thanks, Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2018

      Hi Jane,

      how beautiful!

      I used to love ceremonies with girlfriends or just with Tiggy and I!

      Go get it girl!! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • stefycobain81@libero.it'
    HappySpirit
    February 11, 2018

    Thank U Mel for healing us day by day <3

    Here's a song that you will probably like:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtTnX1NzlVA

    Magical love****

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2018

      Hi Happy Spirit,

      Awwww you are very welcome, and that is so sweet of you – I am in a cafe right now without headphones – so I will listen to this later at home. I am touched with you sharing this here with me!

      Lots of love 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Maryosborne612@gmail.com'
    Mary
    February 11, 2018

    Hi again,
    I’d only been with the narc 4 occasions – how in such little time could I have fallen so obsessively for him. I do come from emotionally unavailable men in my family.
    He treated me so poorly, I passed him in the car boppin his head to music and saw him hug another woman.
    I am devastated and wonder if I have limerence or something is wrong with me?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2018

      Hi Mary,

      please know that is what happens – when N’s trigger off the unconscious wounds/memories of people and situations in our past that is unfinished unhealed business (our childhood mostly) we get incredible “attracted”. To understand exactly what is happening and why it is happening, please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      It will make a lot of sense to you as well as grant you the healing and relief to move beyond unavailable, abusive people.

      Mel xo

  • stefycobain81@libero.it'
    HappySpirit
    February 11, 2018

    Melanie, you’re so generous in giving us all these incredible videos, pls accept a video from me, hope you’ll like it – do you like Abraham Hicks? It’s about not giving yourself away, not letting people suck life out of you:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW51zyqSFug

    Huge hug!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2018

      Hi HappySpirit,

      I do love Abraham Hicks!

      This one is a great one!

      Thank you and big hugs to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • marcyjo8@gmail.com'
    MJ
    February 12, 2018

    Hi,
    I left my abuser about 7 months ago after he grabbed a gun. Aside from the emotional torture he put me through there was always a little physical too but the gun really woke me up. Could he? I mean really? My answer was yes, he could, really, so I left. After all the pain he inflicted, walking away seemed to be the hardest thing to do. It’s crazy because you know down deep that you should run, right? But it’s not so simple because he has you hooked. We were together for about 24 years.
    Anyways, I have 2 teenage children who witnessed the abuse (in every form possible since they were babies) and, since I left, refuse to acknowledge their dad. I’ve tried to insist (not sure why) that they communicate with him just on a basic level but they both refuse to. They don’t see him being he lives far away. They have gone no contact in full force for 7 months now, since we left. I have had no contact on and off, thinking I was strong enough to deal with him. He blames me, obviously, for manipulating the children into no contact. This has been their decision.
    I just imagine my kids living the rest of their lives without their father and it’s really painful. I know they’re better of without him as I am but they’re so young and innocent it breaks my heart. Should I even try to mediate?
    Thanks Melanie you are truly a go to voice for me and you’ve helped me so much through your videos.
    Happy Valentine’s Day wish you the best

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2018

      Hi MJ,

      thank goodness you are out and I hope that you are healing now after all that trauma. Truly our children’s decisions are there and as their parent when we are not sad for them and allow them to choose their own path, it empowers them.

      No don’t meditate, heal the trauma you feel about them missing out and allow them their choices.

      Many blessings to you and them.

      Mel xo

  • jessi.frothingham@gmail.com'
    J
    February 15, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    Many thanks for this booster video. I have been working your healing modules, and am on #4 “healing the injustice of the betrayal”. I was making progress, releasing substantially after going No Contact months ago, but unfortunately have been hoovered twice in the past week.

    I’m scared that I’m regressing to urges to explain myself to this person and reconnect-what module would you suggest to manage these empathic urges and pain? Would #1 or #2 be more appropriate, or a different one?

    So far, I’m hanging in there :).

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