Melanie Tonia Evans

How You Can Work With Pain To Avoid Suffering

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

All of us know about suffering and pain.

There is so much of it in narcissistic relationships.

In fact it is synonymous with narcissistic abuse, and the aftershock of abuse.

I would really like you, though, to understand what pain and suffering really is.

Pain is inevitable; it is a part of life. Emotional pain occurs in our life when something occurs that is not to our liking. Pain happens when the ‘what is’ is not what ‘we want it to be’.

In relation to narcissistic abuse, pain occurs when we are demeaned, when we are lied to, when the facts are twisted and turned, when we are constantly blamed, and when we simply cannot make the narcissist see what he or she is doing to us.

As we know the more we try to turn the ‘what is occurring’ into ‘what we would like to occur’ with the narcissist, the more and more pain we experience.

When this happens we enter the realm of suffering.


Suffering is Pain Amplified

The definition of suffering is to continue enduring pain. The reason we endure suffering is that we are trying to deal with the pain in the wrong way. Then the pain escalates, becomes accentuated and is extended for long periods of time, or indefinitely.

The truth of the matter is, pain is a signal. It is letting us know that something regarding what we think, how we feel, what we are doing, or what we are experiencing is not aligned with the truth of who we are.

It is like our internal GPS starts bleeping – and it is saying “You’ve taken a wrong turn, you need to stop and turn around and come back to your True Self path, don’t continue down this one!”

An example of how this bleeping happens may be because you are hold false thoughts about yourself, such as “I’m no good,” “I’m a failure”, or “Who could ever love me – look at me?!” These thoughts are not aligned with our true selves, they are not how Source Energy sees us, and they are not what we want. Yet we can easily fall into the trap of thinking these thoughts, regardless of the fact we know that they are painful.

Of course we start thinking this because the narcissist is telling us this (or used to tell us this), and we have taken on the narcissist’s opinion of ourselves, and our self-esteem is severely diminished.

So we think the thoughts…

And the pain is felt in our bodies.

And if we continue to think these thoughts they then become prolonged suffering.

The important thing to understand is that the pain is inevitable when we are in an environment where we are being demeaned and projected on to, and start taking on the insults and degradation.

However suffering is not inevitable, it is optional.

You see, if you can understand that the pain is the signal telling you you’re off track then you can stop and make another turn, not towards suffering, but rather back towards who you really are.

It all gets down to belief systems and the alignment with where you want to go.

This means understanding that pain is a signal telling you there is a necessity to change your belief systems that are causing you pain…

And if you don’t understand and act on the signal of pain, then you will suffer.

And the suffering is not going to let up on you, until you do amend the negative belief systems.

The suffering is a harder and more persistent signal…

It says “You’re not getting it, you’re not doing what you need to do!”


How To Avoid Suffering

Let’s look at the example of telling yourself “I’m no good,” “I’m a failure”, or “Who could ever love me – look at me?!”

It hurts – it’s presenting the signal, and the signal is that these are false belief systems. A false belief system is anything that is taking you away from your True Self function, and not toward it.

We know it’s false because it hurts; anything that is not in alignment with your True Self causes pain.

So now that you have listened to your emotional body, and have felt the signal of pain
No–one else can do this for you – because they are not your belief system about yourself, and they are not your pain.

Therefore the true belief systems that will alleviate the pain are the following adjustments.

For example: “I’m no good,” “I’m a failure”, or “Who could ever love me – look at me?!” Is a painful false belief.

The appropriate turn on the path back to True Self is: “I know who I am, and no-one else’s opinions has power over me. What is important is me believing, loving and respecting myself”

The letting go of the false belief and replacing it with the true belief (the one that sees us as source sees us), will stop the arrival at prolonged suffering, and will also transcend any pain.

It beings solutions, relief, empowerment and evolution.

We held a  false belief system way before the narcissist turned up in our life, hence why he or she was attracted into our life, and was able to identify and abuse a weakness within us. Now that you are aware of it, you have the ability to transcend the old false belief system to one that brings you joy and freedom.

And this applies to every aspect of ‘pain’ that you are feeling in this relationship.

That is if you keep it up…

That is If you keep using the signal of pain as a tool to identify when you are operating with a false belief that is not aligned with your true beliefs.

This is why you have pain, this is what its true purpose is…

This is how we grow

I’ll repeat again, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

…and empowerment is the ticket when you listen to the pain and embrace the changes it is signalling you to make.

That is why pain is so necessary…


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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11 Thoughts on How You Can Work With Pain To Avoid Suffering
    January 31, 2012

    I am printing and framing this newsletter!! This is where I begin to know myself and I begin my work…Thank you so very much for teaching us. 🙂

    juli choden
    January 31, 2012

    Hi Melanie, you are so right. It is so invasive and hard to recognise at times. The narcissist can be be so charming and loving most of the time that it is hard to hold onto the times when they attack and shred us . Thanks for the reminder to love ourselves . This is the only way to true happiness even while going through the pain of growth. Thanks for your wisdom.

    Andrea Moriah
    January 31, 2012

    Melanie – you are brilliant. I am now in the middle of recognizing the pain and not letting it turn into suffering (it’s all in your head, of course)after finally divorcing my husband of 30 years. It’s hard to slip the habit, but again, you are right, if you stick to your true gut belief system, you will be fine.

    February 1, 2012

    Thanks Tonya, It does help to read these words. I was finally able to put up a clear line between us by moving into the attic while I begin to think about what to do. The attacks can happen out of the blue and go on into the night. At least I’m having some respite against that because he is afraid of the bugs upstairs:) We work differing schedules so that helps avoid confrontation at this time too. I completely agree that I had big self doubts about myself before he ever came along. I find myself relating my failures to him in moments of conversation, which of course he internalizes and uses as weapons against me at another time. It is certainly a huge amount of pain right now and I’d like to keep it from turning into a lifetime of suffering. Thanks again for your words.

    February 1, 2012

    I am so glad I found you Melanie. You are a God send for me to help me see the truth as it REALLY is. You have helped me come to the realization that I am in an abusive realtionship. I councelled with my Pator and he advised me to set boundaries but the only boundaries I want are to get as far away from him (my husband) as can possibly get. I can’t do that at this time but I am planning to make it happen, thanks to you. Thankyou for empowering me to believe in my self again. I have been in a deep depression for the length of my marriage of 18 years and finally I feel that there is hope for me.
    Thanks again!

    February 2, 2012

    I am in the midst of it right. My husband has literally pulled the carpet from under me. To cover up for his months of lies, deceit and abuse..he blamed me for everything from since the day he married me..truth were turned into lies

    February 3, 2012

    Hi Melanie,
    It has taken me two years to finally reach a point where I see that the projection onto me that I was the liar and the deceitful one and that I could not be trusted was actually part of the narcissitic abuse cycle. This guy said all the right things, he vowed his love, that I met all his needs but nothing added up and the constant nasty ‘shocks’ would send me into a spin. I turned my self, my life and my childrens lives upside down trying to defend myself and my innocence in an attempt to make sense out of confusion. I fell apart and it almost cost me my life…. And I went back for a second chance at making it work! Now some five months later I can actually say to myself that “I know who I am.” The pain is still there and the head still has its crazy moments but I am calm and I see more clearly. Thank you for your newsletters. They always seem to come at the right moment with the right topic and right words. xx

    February 3, 2012

    I’ve been married 3 times. I didn’t know that my personal false beliefs attracted bad company. I considered myself shallow and flaky and always fearful of well intended men, so I always went for the flakes just like me. But this suffering is truly a wake up call. I now yearn for a more committed relationship. This ill gained union has pushed me to mature more in the last 9 years than I have in all of my life. I feel stuck, because it’s a marriage bond. I know this is not how a marriage should function though. I live confused. Melanie’s website is really helping me understand where I am in this whole caos. I wish everybody the best and trust that God and this website will help us.

    June 28, 2012

    I love your website. It has made me understand
    What really happened to me. I want to buy books on tape r they available?.

    April 20, 2013

    This is a extremely deep snd insightful article.I have been dealing with N personalities in my family and extended fsmily .I have been wise enough to stay away last several years. I always had a feeling in my heart my family members were into themselved shallow superfical etc. Most are materialistic and when I am around them I feel sick inside and it is not eenvy cause I could of always lived this false self but I knew early on it was a very empty. life. I love on one of your pages about when you said the fear of staying the same is bigger than the fear of change. I was blessed with that feeling early on.ohh and also having a stubborn mind your own business German dad

    August 31, 2015

    I just want to say thank you. I never understood the pain I was feeling inside or should I say suffering because its been continual was a signal for me to stop an evaluate myself. I am so glad I dont have to stay in a state of suffering or not loving myself. This is something that you have simplified for me and I am so thankful. I grew up with a narcisistic father and have recently dated one as well. I did not even know there was such a thing until this year. I am so grateful thank you for giving me a key I will use the rest of my life. I am so glad I can recieve healing and hope we all do who have suffered.

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