Melanie Tonia Evans

Raising Consciousness After Narcissistic Abuse – The Difference Between Victimisation and Thriving

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 8
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

For those of you on my Facebook Group you will have seen that I have been sharing a 10-part series.

The article and radio show this week is about a “mission” … it really is.

It’s about truly defining what I am most passionate about and what this calling to help change lives is really about.

A little over a week ago I had an awakening within me that was so powerful there was no ignoring it – and nor the “information” that was inspired within me. In know whenever this happens that there is something so much greater than myself pulling the strings.

I know this is a message that our world needs to hear – a message of raising consciousness – so that we can get well, and so that we can stop repeating the cycles of abuse / abused in our lives.

Being involved in narcissistic abuse recovery may seem like a really weird way to be involved in a mission of raising consciousness – yet it’s not – it makes perfect sense because it is in the trenches here, on the battlefield, where so much unconsciousness plays out.

First of all, we are dealing sadly with pathological beings, who through their own experience of suffering traumas or situations that created a splitting of self – which was generally created unknowingly through unconscious parenting and generational unconsciousness – have foregone all ability to have accountability, humility and the awareness to know how their beliefs, choices and behaviours negatively impact the world.

These people who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, are tragically a disordered self, a self who has severe unhealed inner wounds. These individuals have been taken over by a False Self – a run amok never-satisfied ego – never satisfied regardless of whatever it gets, driving its host and others deeply into the living pits of hell.

We know we can’t change narcissists – they are not wishing to awaken and become conscious. So how can we raise their consciousness? The truth is we can’t.

So what am I talking about when I’m talking about raising consciousness?

What I am talking about is narcissists are NOT the entire problem – there is a lot more to it.

 

The Problem Created by Narcissists and Victims

In truth there really are only two types of relationships that can occur with other people and Life and the relationships people have with themselves: conscious and unconscious.

People who are on their way to consciousness, recognize there are unhealed wounds within them, aspects of themselves that need to grow, and these people who wish to create greater consciousness turn inwards to love, accept and partner with themselves, warts and all – in order to heal the aspects of themselves which aren’t generating the highest and best results in their life. These people recognize that being a generative source of one’s own experience means it is impossible to change others, and it is only possible to change one’s self to change one’s life.

Narcissists and people steeped in victimisation, on the other hand, are people who abdicate responsibility for their own lives and seek out others who they feel can provide it for them. People who are codependents mistakenly, and usually unconsciously, choose disordered partners who match the inner “separation” that they have with themselves and then feel they need to “fix” their partners, believing that will ensure that they are safe and loved.

Absolutely it is a horrendous experience of being a victim brutalized by a narcissist, whether this person is an intimate partner, a parent, family member or any abuser. I really want to normalise that for you – yes it is awful. And I hear from people every week who say, “Melanie my situation is unique … I REALLY need to tell you about it”.

I am here to tell you this … NO it isn’t! Your situation is not that special – every single one of us who suffered narcissistic abuse had our world blown to bits, and our worst fears became reality – and we all lived out these deepest fears, with a narcissist, in the literal bowels of hell.

Your situation is NOT unique! Truly – I have heard thousands of stories over the last eight years, and they are all have incredible components.

In fact exactly the components that needed to be there – and I’ll get to that.

And I don’t want you to take that the wrong way – I have absolute compassion for you – and I want more than anything for you to get better. I also know that what you went through, and are still likely to be going through, is the hardest most powerful breakdown experience you have ever had … that has left you shattered beyond anything you have ever experienced before … and my heart goes out to you in abundance.

I want to pick you up and give you the biggest hug! Truly!

However … me reinforcing “How terrible and shocking and how damaged you are and how disgusting the narcissist is”, is NOT going to help you get well.

And that’s why I’m not going to do that …

Because I care, more than words could ever express. Because I know what victimisation does – it destroys people. I lived it a hair breadth away from my own demise, and I refuse to be party to that for anyone else.

And that’s exactly what this topic is all about this week.

 

Mere Surviving or True Thriving?

This is something I have decided to really take a stand on and speak up about. Absolutely when we have been abused by a narcissist it is an incredible relief and even necessary to realise that there is a name for this – narcissistic abuse – and we are not the only one (it is a world-wide epidemic) … as well as what a narcissist is, and why they do what they do.

But from that point on, we can stay mired in information all about narcissists, or we can state “Okay this person is disordered. There was no hope of a healthy relationship there … now what can I change and heal within me in order to recover and to stop this pattern in my life?

The contemporary model of healing after narcissistic abuse is, unfortunately, highly ineffective – because it is simply looking at “what” happened to you (symptom), and is not addressing “why” this happened to you (true cause). It does not address subconscious wounding, which powerfully drives the emotions, thoughts and decisions that unconsciously leads people to and keeps individuals locked into the very trauma that they are trying to free themselves from.

Additionally, there is a world-wide toxicity trying fruitlessly to deal with the plight of abuse victims by training and encouraging individuals to be powerless victims rather than assisted them to become evolving beings.

How and why do we believe that researching, knowing and reading everything about narcissists is going to heal our own tormented, devastated inner wounds – when we are NOT attending to them?

This total insanity sadly is the major route of “trying” to heal from narcissistic abuse – and this model takes hostages by droves in Abuse Forums with hundreds of thousands of members world-wide.

These Abuse Forums are full of people believing they are a victim, talking about it every day with others, who are also sharing their war stories regarding how hopeless, devastated and destroyed their lives are at the hands of a narcissist. And going over and over and over it, cementing all of the reasons why they are so sick.

These people are getting sicker and not better, and their children are being positioned with the most dangerous recipe of all – a narcissistic parent and a victimised one – both horrifically unavailable and toxic.

This does nothing other than create future generations of abuser / abused.

The truth is the victim model is creating just as much damage and unconsciousness to our world as narcissists are – point blank.

Now before you want to eat me alive … please know I used to be a terminal victim – and I nearly exited this life as one. And I nearly completely alienated my son as one. And in the 8 years that I have dealt with thousands of people, many of who have made full Thriver recoveries, I have never seen one person – NOT one who is determined to hang on to the victim model who has healed – EVER.

In stark contrast, those same people are still on these Abuse Forums, still jumping up and down on roof tops proclaiming how evil narcissists are, how damaged they are, and how terrible their lives are.

And this epidemic of victimhood that keeps people trapped in their woundedness is not going to change until more people wake up from the trance and understand that the abuse is our calling to go within and discover and transcend our own wounding that allowed and enmeshed us in abuse.

And then, when we do that, we are released from the abuse and healed from the abuse and the “message” no longer needs to be delivered.

And as such we have no remaining symptoms of abuse, and we are set free in every area of our life where our wounds used to limit us. There is no C-PTSD, there are no abuse symptoms left whatsoever!

Myself and thousands of other people in this Community are living proof of that!

Additionally we now no longer have “gaps” where deeply unconsciously people can play in life with us.

And the TRUE reason is because of this: We did the inner work and we changed … we connected to ourselves, learnt how to honor our emotions, and to show up without fear. To speak up when something is not right, trusting the emotions in our body and responding to that – instead of dimming down and selling out our values and our gut feelings.

This was only made possible as a result of finding and releasing our previous unhealed childhood wounds which used to hand power over – positioning someone else as necessary to “take care of us”.

Because we weren’t anchored in our body taking care of ourselves.

And these people that we positioned to take care of us – we clung to them – even when they abused us.

By evolving ourselves, and being able to grow these young powerless wounds up, we could then break free from our abuse patterns, and shine the light of being authentic. A “light” that means anything that is NOT authentic, including False Selves gets flushed out of our reality real quick.

We can then also teach our children by example – how to be real, how to claim their True Selves, and how to generate an authentic life. And THAT breaks these deadly unconscious cycles which have been ripping individuals, families and our world apart generation-to-generation.

It makes me sick to my core every time I hear a report of someone saying “You will have this for life (whatever anxiety disorder).” “You will have C-PTSD for life and you will only ever be able to manage it.” “You are stuck with the abuser for life,” or “People can’t get better but at least they can warn others about these evil monsters.”

It makes me sick when I ever read that stuff, or hear it, or someone posts it on my Forums.

Because those claims are total crap!!!

They are LIES.

They are NOT the truth!

The righteousness, the martyrdom, the anger, the toxic resentment that is targeted at narcissists, which is purported to help people heal, is doing nothing to solve this problem – it is only making it worse.

It is making people drown in their own toxicity, drag other people into their toxic muck – and it creates collective toxicity that is poisoning our world.

I also really want to talk about the term “survivor” … when people say “I am a survivor of abuse.”

“Surviving” is NOT Living.

As far as I am concerned, there is no other way to live than the Thriver model, because anything else isn’t living at all.

Why on earth would we want to go through the most horrendous experience of our life if we weren’t going to get the most incredible up-level out of it as a result?

Why would we ever be content to GO through something rather than GROW through something?

This is why I am so adamant about the old “survivor” label being a thing of the past.

Because “surviving” generally means that you got out and you stayed out, but you still live with Complicated-Post Traumatic Disorder – because the truth is if you have been narcissistically abused, you were in a war-zone and you have C-PTSD – and that label means that even though you got out and got away, you are still less than because of what happened to you.

Over the last 8 years I have seen people 20 or 30 years on often who are diminished, they’ve lost all faith in self, life and others and are merely existing and often medicated – sometimes with serious anti-psychotics – which means they are so numb and tired that you are barely functioning.

All because the original wounds and transcending Who They Were Being – the unconscious “other half of the magnet”, was NEVER addressed!

If you are not getting relief and the up-levelling into a healthy state it’s because the symptoms (which is your Inner Being screaming in torment) are being “treated” with things trying to stop the screams – but nothing is happening to heal the reasons why your Inner Being is screaming.

The true reasons that the abuser was only a symptom of.

And that’s what happens when we only “go” through stuff, instead of using it as the grandest opportunity to grow as a result of what happened to us.

 So … whenever I hear someone say “I am a Survivor of Abuse” I have to be honest, my heart sinks … because generally I know that this person feels like a victim, that they haven’t connected to the up-level or the gift – and more than likely they have been trained to identify themselves as a victim, and to see their life through “victim eyes.”

Which means, “Now I have to defend and protect myself against narcissists.” And … “Now I’m looking out everywhere for narcissists.” And … “I’m learning everything I can to keep myself safe from narcissists so that I never fall for another one again. Yet, I’m doing all of that stuff so why, WHY do I still feel the pain?”

The reason is: Because NONE of that is the answer!

My journey, being heavily involved in abuse recovery has proven to me how accurate my theory is, that when people start saying and posting, “I am a survivor of abuse”, I know they haven’t got it yet – and I wish they did.

This is why I am so passionate and I have so much joy in showing people how to create the Thriver Model for themselves – because when we heal our original wounds, and when we start claiming and healing into our True Self state, there is no longer any part of us that is still hooked in and victimized or generating suffering or depression, anxiety or any abuse symptoms whatsoever.

Those “things” are just not a part of having evolved yourself to become your True Self.

We are in a different Universal Reality.

These things just don’t exist there.

Rather, we are so expanded and radiant, confident and up-levelled that Life become an incredible gift of unlimited, never-ending joy – more than it ever was even before the abuse.

Now, please know I am not saying that we just land in “fairy-land” and that you will never have challenges or triggered emotions again. Absolutely you still do, but you are no longer victimized by them. You are growing through experiences with the consciousness of using these challenges to grow and expand yourself. So life just gets better and better, and delivers less and less wake-up calls – needed to wake you up to make you become conscious.

All of it becomes an understanding, “That was perfect. It needed to happen in order for me to come to this.”

That is the level of healing that I live in my own life every day, and I have the absolute pleasure to see generated within my Community amongst thousands of people, and more and more individuals every day – who are leaving that old victim model behind, and learning a way to heal and break away from the narcissistic muck, pain, fear and resentment that they were entrenched in every day of their life.

These people who are becoming conscious, got to the truth, that what the narcissist brought up in every one of us was our deepest wounds, was our most unconscious parts – the parts of ourselves that were keeping us separated from our true and magnificent lives.

We originally thought we were trying to heal from the narcissist but the truth was he / she / they was only a catalyst – what we had always needed was to be freed from ourselves.

This article is my greatest effort to display the stark difference between these two Universe’s apart healing orientations – The Victim Model and the Thriver Model – and I really urge you to feel the statements in your body, because that is your gauge of what is the truth.

Not the stories that your mind makes up. Our mind when we ignore the truth in our body, has to come up with excuses, justifications and reasons. In stark contrast to the truth which just is. Whenever we start doing that we are in Danger Land – we are in our ego, and being taken away from our wholeness rather than towards it.

So please feel in your body which model uplifts you and grants you energy, and which one drains your energy and keeps you mired in agony and powerlessness.

I also urge you to read the posts and comments that happen in this community regularly (feel them in your body) and then go to any standard Abuse Forum and feel the energy there, and you will know – point blank – the difference.

The following is to awaken you from the person you may have been being – not understanding why you are not recovering – into the person you can be on your way to wellness.

Please find my ten part series: Raising Consciousness – The Difference Between Victimisation and Thriving.

 

THIS ONE Number 1

 

Narcissists are expertly wired to find and seek out your weak spots, your “gaps”. This is what they use to bait you, hook you and punish you with.

The Victim Model reaction:

“That is disgusting that monsters like this can use my weaknesses against me with such cruelty.”

or …

“Wounds what inner wounds and gaps? I don’t have any. I’m not the sick one!”

The Thriver Model response:

 “Thank you for being the person who hit me so hard with these unconscious parts of myself that I finally turned inwards to do the work on them.

Because of you, I have not just been able to evolve beyond your abuse, I have been able to create a better life on every level where my wounds used to limit me.”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

‪#‎sogratefulyoucameintomylifetogivemebacktomyself

 

THIS ONE Number 2

 

The truth is we attach ourselves to people, and allow people to be in our life who treat us in identical ways that we believe about and relate to ourselves.

Narcissists reflect back every way we have not established how to be with ourselves unconditionally, without judgment and criticism, and how we had not learned how to self-soothe or be our own generative source of truth, love and emotional solidness.

The Victim Model reaction:

“I hate you and blame you for not being the ‘loving person’ you pretended to be.”

The Thriver Model response:

“I am no longer going to look for love in all the wrong places … meaning outside of myself. I am now coming home inside me to create the most important relationship of my life the one that was always necessary to have a healthy relationship with life and others.

I know it’s time, finally, to clean this up!”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

‪#‎becauseofyouihavetheTrueLoveIhadbeensearchingfrommyentirelife

 

Number 3

 

Living from our ego, in our minds, is all about how everything else is more important than “us”.

We think we will be valued for what we have, how intelligent we are, how attractive we are, what we have accomplished, and whether or not we have the “right” partner.

Someone who looks a certain way or has enough money, connections or lifestyle and someone who sees and appreciates our “value”.

So in comes the narcissist to our life looking like the “perfect” match for the things that make us feel “valuable”.

The Victim Model reaction:

“I hate you and blame you for not valuing me and for not giving me and destroying the things in my life that I value so much.”

The Thriver Model response:

“I am grateful beyond measure that now I listen to my feelings, I go for authentic wholeness. I will never again ignore my painful emotions and sell my soul out for lesser items or states.

You taught me one of the hugest messages of my life, which was to value my soul. To stop gauging life through stuff and appearances and approval and to really, really honour my own soul and place its wellbeing as my highest priority.”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

‪#‎soblessedthatInowconnecttoandvaluemysoul

 

 

As a result of being narcissistically abused we feel incredibly traumatised and diminished, as well as mentally and emotionally and even physically “unwell.”

It’s usual to suffer breakdowns to the level of experiencing C-PTSD or actual dis-ease.

Dis-ease being the imperative word …

… because when we aren’t listening to our soul truths (our emotions) and when we are not doing the work to integrate with ourselves so that we can stay away and look after ourselves, we only continue to disintegrate.

The Victim Model reaction:

“Because of you my health is destroyed. I have C-PTSD now, I am a shattered mess, and because you you soulless person did this to me, I will now probably have these symptoms for years if not for the rest of my life.”

The Thriver Model response:

“Previously I hadn’t realised the price I would pay for not being partnered with myself, for not honouring myself, and not doing the work on my wounds in order to be able to become a solid source to myself.

But now I do, and I know beyond any doubt that when I heal those parts of me which were previously handing power over, and causing me to be powerless and abused I will become more empowered, confident, healthy, happy and full of life force, wellbeing, joy and purpose than I ever have been in my entire life.

I am evolving myself to become my True Self.

Then how can I be sick? … I won’t be!”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

‪#‎becauseofhealingabuseIhaveneverfeltsohealthyandhappy

 

 

Before and during narcissistic abuse we have not known how to show up fully “as ourselves”.

And what that means is we hand over power we choose to believe “a version” or how we wish someone else to be, rather than understand and honour our body cues and speak up honestly to clarify things.

We are much more likely to “go along”, ignore body cues and keep the peace rather than risk criticism, abandonment or punishment.

We do not want to shatter the illusion of someone granting us the love and approval that we are failing to grant ourselves – by NOT showing up authentically.

Then we meet other people wearing masks also. People reflecting back to us the ways we are not being real.

People who are also not being their True Self.

The Victim Model reaction:

“Why couldn’t you be real? Why didn’t you love me for real? I hate you for being fake and not being the real person you professed to be!”

The Thriver Model response:

“I completely and utterly understand now that if I am not authentically myself, I am not going to be able to align with people who are their authentic self either.

Now I have the absolute joy and purpose of releasing my fears and limited beliefs, so that I can be fully myself, truthful and authentic and finally be the generative centre of real life and love with others.”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

‪#‎Iadorehavingthefreedomnowtotrulybemecreatingmoreofthat

 

 

As children we had very little choice regarding our lives, and sadly if we have become adult wounded children we may not realise – in fact we do.

We can heal, we can develop beyond our wounding and we can “grow up”.

We alone as adults, are responsible for our own emotional wellbeing, our own boundaries and being the creator of love, happiness and fulfilment in our lives.

You can’t “get” love, happiness and fulfilment, you can only “be” it.

When we assign another adult as responsible for our own lives we are not responsible for ourselves.

How on earth can a person who doesn’t have the capacity to be responsible for themselves (another wounded adult) be responsible for us?

How on earth can we expect to not be responsible for our own wellbeing and then attract and be in relationship with a responsible other who will be?

See the disconnect?

The Victim Model reaction:

“I hate you and blame you for not being the provider of my love, happiness and fulfilment. You promised me ‘everything’, you told me you would be those things for me!!”

The Thriver Model response:

“Wow! I sooo understand that I was expecting someone else to be the provider of love and happiness and a great life for me! I pinned all my hopes on this person, thinking they were the answer to my prayers. But instead they really showed me exactly how I was not being a Source of love, happiness and wellbeing to myself. Thank God I have woken up from that!

I now understand that as an adult, I am the generative Source of my own experience directly with Life and this is NOT someone else’s job. Now I will heal and create a life generating wellbeing for myself and then I can connect with others who are whole and healthy.”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

‪#‎thankyouforwakingmeuptobecomemyowngenerativesource

 

 

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most horrible plights on society because its toxicity creates future generations of unconscious damaged people.

Which ultimately means an epidemic of present and future relationship of codependents and narcissists.

The truth is: parent victims stuck in toxicity make the other half of this dynamic horrendously complete.

They are just as unavailable, just as damaging to their children and grant all the reasons “why” they themselves will be abandoned and abused by their children (victimised toxicity is a repulsive negative energy which attracts more of itself), and they run the terrible risk of being easily alienated from their children by the narcissist.

This is despite them doing everything they can to make everyone else validate their victimhood including their children …

When all along they needed to validate and heal themselves, in order to be an example to their children.

The Victim Model reaction:

“No-one sees what has happened to me. My children believe him / her, they won’t listen to me, they don’t believe what happened to me. They took his / her side! My children have been turned against me by that MONSTER!”

The Thriver Model response:

“My greatest pledge to my children is that I will focus on healing and developing myself first and foremost, so that I set an empowered example of authenticity, realness, truth and love by being my True Self in their presence.

And, within this I won’t control, I will allow them to be themselves, because I know that they too are on a profound journey of evolving themselves with the parents they chose.

Whenever my children are with me I will not seek their validation and I will not project my wounds on to them and try to make them take responsibility for them. I will not use them as mechanics to find out about the narcissist. I will not be toxic and smear the narcissist and I will not micro-manage, over-involve or interrogate.

Instead I will be a force of love, empowerment, healthy boundaries, joy and truth in their lives.”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

And even more VITALLY important.

Which Model do you think stops the unconscious epidemic cycles of abuse / abused?

(As a Mother, I am incredibly passionate about this one, Number 7. My heart goes out to parents suffering this but I am more concerned for our children and our future generations, and this is a call out for parents to wake up and stop doing this – playing the victim model with your kids … so that you can be a healthy example.)

‪#‎themissionofcreatingconsciousparentsleadingtheway

 

 

Narcissistic abuse causes a complete overturning of your life.

What you thought your life was, and how it would end up is generally reduced to a pile of rubble at your feet.

So many people lost jobs, homes, the relationship they thought was “the one” … assets, health, sanity and even contact with children.

Virtually everyone lost all self-respect for themselves. We lost our identity of who we thought we were.

This challenges us at every level to let go of egoic attachments and the way we believed our life should unfold, to realise there is a Higher Design taking place.

If we stay in resistance to that truth then we will live a personal experience of ongoing torturous hell.

The Victim Model reaction:

“This is not how my life was meant to be! YOU destroyed my life. It is your fault my life is like this. I will never accept there is a higher purpose for this! It’s all JUST pure evil.”

(This is the absolute stereotype of a victim who NEVER gets well.)

The Thriver Model response:

“I know that right here right now regardless of what it looks like, there is only the Pure Light of Divinity operating here. I accept that everything is in perfect order. I needed to be stripped of all who isn’t the real me, in order for me to connect to my True Self so that it could come forth and shine.

I will not be in resistance to this. I will accept with all of my being the most important mission of my life, which is to heal beyond my False Self and illusions in order to become an authentic person operating as an expression of The Divine.

Therefore I bless and accept this breakdown / breakthrough process full-heartedly, and I will do all I can to work with it – to midwife myself through to the New Me and the New Life I am gloriously becoming.”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

‪#‎Ilovethehealingofacceptingthiswasallsomeanttobe

 

 

After experiencing narcissistic abuse there are so many areas of our life that have broken down. And so many parts of ourselves.

If we wish to hang on to what has gone, or if we try to revive our old life, or our old way of being in Life, this is futile because it’s gone.

Because it was meant to go …

We can either view this as the greatest tragedy of our life, or the most spectacular opportunity Life could have ever dealt us.

The opportunity to …

… deeply investigate where we didn’t fully love and accept ourselves and remedy that.

… realise how we were selling or our ideals, values and intuition in an attempt to negotiate with Life for someone else to take care of us and heal those survival fears.

…. embrace how we were not showing up as our True Selves in loving, compassionate, self-honest and solid maturity navigating our life from that centre and transcend that.

…. wake up as to how we were exercising judgements in our life and how these dire judgments of ourselves and others literally became a real life hell and release ourselves from egoic states in order to become love.

The Victim Model reaction:

“You took all of me that was good and wonderful, and abused it and destroyed it. My life will never be the same because of what you did to me.”

The Thriver Model response:

“Thank you for showing me the parts of myself and my ego that were buying into ‘survival’ and ‘fear’ and ‘neediness’, rather than ‘creation’ and ‘love’ and ‘authenticity’.

These are all parts that do not serve me, that have limited me, that have made me hand my power over opting for the safe routes that certainly weren’t.

These were the parts of me that did not allow me to be honest and express myself truthfully, because I wanting others to approve of me and keep me safe.

These parts of me did not allow me to self-generate and create a life that represents the Real Life and contribution I deeply desire to live.

These are the parts of me that did not love and accept myself and then blamed others when they didn’t love and accept me.

Because of you abuser my old life is destroyed. I am grateful that there is nothing to go back to there … because, as of now, I have the grandest opportunity to generate my True Life, my Real Self and Life – the only one that was EVER going to fulfil me.”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

‪#‎Ihaveneverbeensoblessedwiththismuchopportunityinmyentirelife

 

 

There is a grand illusion within narcissistic abuse that the narcissist holds All Power and that you have none.

There is also a grand illusion in our human experience that Darkness is more powerful than Light.

Yet … how can that be true when wherever, even the smallest light shines, there is no darkness?!

False Selves are darkness, an inner void of “nothing”– a black hole that has no power of it’s own, and needs to extract the energy of fear and pain from others in order to exist and survive.

Additionally we believe the currency of the world is built on Falseness, and we play into that we dim our light, we protect, we retract, we wear masks “playing the game”, and we become just as “defensive” as the ultimate victims who victimise others (abusers).

We sell out our True Power and hand it over to False Selves, who ironically have no real power.

The Victim Model reaction:

“He / she is all powerful. I am a defenceless, helpless victim in the face of vile evil. This person is destroying me, won’t stop and I am being destroyed.”

The Thriver Model response:

“I know you have no real power! You are a False Self, a horrendously wounded child projecting your wounds and needing my fear and pain to sustain your game.

I’m not playing anymore! I am not in fear of you wounded child, I actually only have compassion that you are so wounded that you behave the way you do. And I know that your incredible gift to me was to partner with myself and heal from being the wounded powerless adult child that I once was.

And by doing so, I reconnect back to me – back to my heart, back to my soul, back to my truth, purpose, joy, love and true fulfilment in life.

I get to become an integrated being, one where you are Not My Reality a reality where I am not in Life playing with other disconnected beings anymore.

Instead I am connected to the Glory and the Truth of my Divine Being and my Divine Powerfulness – my state of “being” that serves myself and others in the Highest Ways.

Because, dear lost soul, from the greatest of illusions of darkness that I once lived with you, I have now transcended and anchored into my True Light.”

Sooo … which Model do you think creates true healing?

‪#‎thankyouforconnectingmetothepowerofmyDivineBeing

 

I Hope This Article Has Granted You Clarity of the Truth!

And the necessary shift that our world desperately needs if it is going to get better on a personal and collective level.

We need to do this shift … desperately… one person at a time.

Because how are you going to change your personal world and the world you live in if you aren’t going to change yourself?

The answer is you can’t – because you have NO power to change anything or anyone that isn’t you.

And that is the craziest illusion of all of man-kind that they can. Look at the state of our world and you will see where that illusion has almost led us – to a literal annihilation of ourselves.

Please have the courage to pass this article on to where it is needed.

Please have the courage to share it widely. And stand back, because it may be received like a bomb going off in places where people want to stay stuck in victimhood.

That’s okay, because I know there are many people in such places who have had enough of feeling toxic and sick, and something is waking up inside them knowing there has to be another way to heal.

So PLEASE – spread the word …

Most importantly this article is about you embracing this information, and I really want you to start tuning into your body, start listening to the Infinite Wisdom inside you, through your emotions – which will tell you every time without exception whether you are on track or not.

Read and feel how “victimisation” feels in your body – and then read and tune into how “Thriving” feels in your body.

And you will know the truth.

Also please note my next 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Free Webinar is happening the 3rd August at 6PM PST. This is a comprehensive three hour tele-class where I share with you how to implement the Thriver Model in your life. This is all about accessing how to come out the other side of narcissistic abuse – healthier than you ever have been, even before you were abused.

Even if abuse is all you have ever known since childhood.

Click here to reserve your spot for the live event.

As always, I look forward to answering your questions and comments.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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77 Thoughts on Raising Consciousness After Narcissistic Abuse – The Difference Between Victimisation and Thriving
  • lorri.henry@yahoo.com'
    Lorraine Henry
    July 17, 2015

    i have recently found your work and am very grateful for the insights and your belief that negative attitudes towards the person who we had problems with solves nothing at all.
    My husband whom I clung to despite him leaving me excluding me and coming back many times to me ,died in front of me of a heart attack on Christmas Day 2012.
    People might assume that solved the no contact issue but of course it does not.
    It just creates other problems.
    The bonds do not end with physical death.
    Nor do the dreams.
    And I deeply feel that my healing will help him on his journey wherever he is now.
    To live in a negative place now damages us both.
    Have you had insights or covered this aspect Melanie?
    If so I would love to hear them as I cannot find anything on out there on healing when someone dies.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2015

      Hi Lorraine,

      I am so sorry you have been through that – and absolutely that would be full of so many mixed emotions.

      The truth is Lorraine, No Contact even for those people who have kept it – was not the end of the torment or necessarily the prelude to Recovery.

      The principle is the same, even for those whose N’s married on and did leave them alone, or moved countries or just disappeared (or passed away) – if we don’t get the trauma out of our bodies and souls the N lives on inside us … no matter who the N was or what the circumstances were.

      We all went through that until uplevelling our inner wounds .. which is the most direct to deal with it, because then the connections and psychic traumas just aren’t there any more – and what is replaced is one’s own evolution and peace. That’s what the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program facilitates.

      I believe it too Lorraine, that your healing will assist his soul – and finalise karmic contracts – absolutely.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • lorri.henry@yahoo.com'
        Lorraine Henry
        July 17, 2015

        Thank you Melanie

      • mariane.beck@gmail.com'
        Mariane
        July 27, 2015

        This is a complete scam….I purchased the NARP Silver package and tried to get the refund.

        The “package” is refundable within the first 30 days. Of course, it is never made clear as to where you are to go for your refund. I emailed Admin support twice and got no response. As soon as my re-occurring payment went through I replied as to how I had tried to cancel and was told that I could not cancel past the 30 days.

        Melanie has some great articles but she is taking advantage of the vulnerable….otherwise there would be clear instructions on how to cancel and who to contact if you would like a refund. Very disappointing.

        • support@melanietoniaevans.com'
          harryw
          July 27, 2015

          Hello Mariane,

          We are sorry we were not able to resolve the issue to your satisfaction. We do have a return policy in place and we must adhere to our policies. Here is the link to our refund policy http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/docs/policies/deliveryandrefundpolicy.htm. Unfortunately you didn’t contact us within the time period required. We have had significant correspondence and we’ve tried to explain the situation and resolve the matter with you.
          Within this correspondence we have requested you to forward those emails through requesting the refund before the time period was up, and you stated you cannot find them.
          You also received Automatic Responders from our office after purchasing NARP which outlined the address to contact if you wanted to request a refund within the 30 days.
          The NARP program has successfully helped thousands recover from their own narcissistic abuse experiences. I can assure you, it is not a scam.
          And far from Melanie taking advantage of people, I can assure you, many people like yourself don’t get to see just how many of these programs she donates to people, who don’t have the fund to purchase it.

          Mariane Beck Today 12:51
          • View original emailThat’s convenient
          Sent from my iPhone
          Make this comment an internal note
          support@melanietoniaevans.com (View original email)
          • iPhone Mail

          Harry Williams Today 12:29 (assign)
          Hello Mariane,
          Unfortunately we must stick to our refund policy. If you cannot forward the original email request as mentioned then we will not be able to service your request.
          All the best with your healing journey,
          Harry Williams
          Support Team Member
          FOR Melanie Tonia Evans
          International relationship expert, author, radio host
          Founder Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd
          http://www.melanietoniaevans.com
          http://www.snapoutofitradionetwork.com/Host_Melanie_Tonia_Evans.html
          support@melanietoniaevans.com
          Make this comment an internal note

          Mariane Beck Yesterday 01:37
          I have looked in my sent and my trash and cannot locate the emails.
          It is very frustrating because I know I sent the two emails to Admin Assistance because even though there was a “gauranteed refund” within the 30 day trial period, there was never a link or a specified place to send an email for the refund.
          I didn’t hear anything back from Admin and hoped that both or one of my emails had made it through.
          I love Melanie and what she has to offer. I think that she is a blessing and is helping soooooo many people (including myself) with her blog. The modules just didn’t work for me and I really can’t afford them. I felt like it was a waste of my time. I tried doing module one at least 5 times……
          I appreciate you getting back to me, but at this point I can’t help but feel a little frustrated with the system that is in place. There really should have been clearer information on where to go if you wanted a refund in the 30 day trial.
          On Thu, Jul 23, 2015 at 7:12 AM, Support at Melanie Tonia Evans wrote:
          Hello Mariane,
          You have notified us past the 30 day money back guarantee period to cancel the purchase.
          Please for your benefit forward me the 2 previous emails you have sent to see if they were in the 30 day guarantee period (they will be in your sent items folder).
          I have checked my emails and cannot see them so I would like to know where you sent them.
          All the best with your healing journey,
          Harry Williams
          Support Team Member
          FOR Melanie Tonia Evans
          International relationship expert, author, radio host
          Founder Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd
          http://www.melanietoniaevans.com (http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/)
          http://www.snapoutofitradionetwork.com/Host_Melanie_Tonia_Evans.html
          support@melanietoniaevans.com (mailto:melanie@melanietoniaevans.com)
          From:
          Sent: Thursday, 23 July 2015 3:14 AM
          To: support@melanietoniaevans.com
          Subject: Re: New Recurring Payment Received – Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd
          I have sent in 2 separate emails to your admin department requesting that you cancel my payments. I have not had any response. Please refund my money, as I am now frustrated and the system has not worked for me.
          Sent from my iPhone

          • avesraggiana@yahoo.com'
            avesraggiana
            July 5, 2016

            “I tried doing Module One at least five times.”

            Five times?! How about one hundred and fifty five times?

            I wonder how assiduously you applied yourself to NARP if it took you longer than thirty days to decide that it wasn’t working for you. I tore into the stuff and I didn’t let up. I kept playing the modules night and day, asleep and awake, sitting down, walking and running, any time at all that I wasn’t involved in an activity that require my full attention – such as my job, until one late night, about a month later, completely broken and despairing, I broke through. I experienced my very first NARP shift.

            You quit too soon, Mariane. Rather than emailing and fighting to get your money back, you would have been better off and made far better use of your time had you just kept replaying Module One over, and over and over again until you “got it.” Because I guarantee you this – you would have.

            Arnel

  • Sujonez@hotmail.com'
    Sue
    July 17, 2015

    Dear Melanie. This is such an inspired article! I know that having gone from abused to thriver in just two years thanks to your incredible programme, how true your words really are.

    Of all the points you make, the most extraordinary one for me was the importance of taking responsibility for oneself. Once I had fully accepted that, it was if I had been given a key to a whole new perspective. It was truly liberating and my life has changed beyond recognition. I am happy, whole and healed and my happiness comes from a deep wellspring within myself that bubbles up into laughter and fun.

    Insight into ones own deepest fears and wounds is a powerful tool for personal evolution and I will never forget how you taught me to go look at those scary things without self judgement or blame. And in going there, I discovered my courage and then my freedom.

    I want to say to everyone who is suffering the trauma of narc abuse to take responsibility for what is happening, however hard that seems.. Take this opportunity, feel the gratitude. Because one day you will find, just like I did, that all attachment to suffering has dropped away and in its place is the simple, wondrous joy of living.

    Lots of love to you Mel. What I love most about this article is how, beyond the words, your love and compassion blaze through like an illumination!

    xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Sue,

      I am so glad you enjoyed the article!

      I LOVE hearing that you worked the NARP Program and really anchored these truths within you!

      It is so true Sue, that this is “our being” and no matter “who did what” – it is OUR responsibility to heal it – no-one else can.

      I agree with you totally, some of us were so damaged, nothing else was going to start our recovery other than that level of acceptance.

      It changes EVERYTHING for the better.

      I love how you have written the encapsulation of the utter joy it IS when we take responsibility, you have described it perfectly.

      And yes… how incredible when you turn inwards without the blame …

      Thank you for encouraging others and shining that light.

      So much love to you too Sue.

      Mel xo

  • paula.carrasquillo@me.com'
    Paula Carrasquillo
    July 17, 2015

    Thank you, Melanie, for stating so eloquently what many of us have discovered on our journey of healing…being enmeshed in victimization DOES NOT heal and actually makes life less manageable. Raising our awareness, consciousness, vibration, energy and love for ourselves is key. Taking the “perpetrator” out of the equation and focusing on uncovering the truth about ourselves is vital. I refer to it as a deconstruction of the self in order to reconstruct a new, joyful and more powerful life. I will share this article repeatedly! Namaste! Paula

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Paula,

      you are so welcome.

      I love your orientation, the truths you hold and the light you are shining Paula!

      So true it was a huge deconstruction / reconstruction journey to become incredible love, joy and freedom.

      Thank you for sharing this article 🙂

      Mel xo

  • susanna_smith@btinternet.com'
    Susanna
    July 17, 2015

    I told my 21 year old niece that in a couple of years I wouldn’t even remember my N husband of 11 years – he would simply cease to exist for me – thoughts of him wouldn’t enter my head. I know this is a fact because I’ve been there before, not with an N, but just the way life catches you in its slipstream and you grow. He left last October and since has been indulging in every N persecution trick in the book. I’ve been NC and stuck it out, occasional tearful lapses with mutual friends – that must have given him a kick – but hey, we’re all human, unlike these creatures.

    What Melanie has shown me is the way to really discover the difference between “being OK” and this false sense of security people have before they meet their N, why they attracted their N in the first place – it’s self-awareness. Lots of work to do. I won’t have much but it’ll be mine, and me… finally.

    I used to let my younger N sister press every button, every pressure point, but last night I sat back and just watched her do it – her thing – it didn’t hurt any more, I wasn’t angry, patronised or diminished, just dispassionately ‘interested’ watching her performance. It felt soo good when for the first time in years, I waved her goodbye and actually felt sorry for her, I even thanked her for her ‘help and advice’ (mostly self-serving – she is also divorcing and has mentally spent my own settlement money) regarding my divorce. She’s history, although she’s my sister and I will continue to treat her as such, but she won’t get to me because she doesn’t exist as a person or soul.

    I realised that all my life I’ve been running from her, sometimes out of a frying pan into a fire, which also involved running from my dear parents who she’s also controlled – only my late mother saw the light at the last. But no more. I’m on my own track now. And I’m very grateful to my N husband for showing me how I let them both control me. Freedom or at least the hope of it!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Susanna,

      that is so wonderful that you are detaching and not hooking in, and bringing the focus back to where the real power is – within you …

      Bless you, and wishing you power and healing – and then wondrous joy and real living on this journey.

      You have started taking the steps on the path!

      Mel xo

  • heather@webrelish.com'
    Heather Jones
    July 17, 2015

    Thanks, Melanie. I was praying for the truth on how to heal this last night and this morning and saw this in my inbox.

    I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD but have always believed you can heal anything–I need to recover that belief and my inner healer again.

    I’m on anti-anxiety meds right now, but trying to wean myself off.

    I bought your program on healing a while back and am going to start it today!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Heather,

      I LOVE synchronicity, and how when we seek, we find .. or more often than not – it finds us!

      That is great you are going to work with NARP now …

      Truly it is such a powerless statement when we buy into “I am diagnosed with C-PTSD” … I much prefer to think of it like this: “My Inner Being needs me to heal some faulty programs and traumas … and ONCE they are sorted there will be NO symptoms.”

      Because that is the absolute truth.

      Welcome to the true healing orientation – and yes it does take work, and that work is NARP, and your time is now!

      Because, what else is there to do?

      Mel xo

  • 29atwa2@gmail.com'
    lauren
    July 17, 2015

    Well, the scary and hardest part of what I’m going through is the mere accusations of anyone being a narcisisst . I keep going back and forth like a girl with the flower who takes one petal off at a time saying he loves me , he loves me not .
    Its a horrible thing to be a narcissist in my opinion as it is to deal with one. I can easily see how the relationship in my situation how the other party could very well feel I’m the narcissist. And vice versa. When everybody’s making any statements especially that end up all too familiar its easier to believe even more so that one is dealing with a narcissist and I’m left now to wonder now which one of us if either is the narcissist. There’s a big difference between caring and not caring and being hurt so badly you just eventually come off as cold and numb.

    • susanna_smith@btinternet.com'
      Susanna
      July 18, 2015

      Don’t worry you are the narcissist… you wouldn’t be reading Melanie’s site if you were. KNOW this. A narcissist wouldn’t seek help, they think they’re fine.

      No it’s one of their classic behaviour patterns — called ‘mirroring’ or projection — you get accused of think or doing everything they do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Lauren,

      I promise you that all codependents in unconscious relationships (especially when unconscious with themselves) act “narcissistically”.

      Acting narcissistically means this – we are holding other people responsible for our wounding instead of being responsible for our own emotions.

      There is ONLY one difference, in my opinion, that makes narcissists and codependents ANY different, and this is this ..

      Codependents still have a conscious and DO have the ability to say “I am a generative source of my own experience. I am going to wake up out of the trance and become CONSCIOUS. Which means ONLY I alone can heal my inner wounds, and I need to take full responsibility for them to do that.”

      That is IT – the only difference.

      No more blaming, shaming, and handing over that responsibility (which was what this article is all about).

      So that is your only determinant truly Lauren, the willingness to work on yourself, commit to it and do it.

      Then you WILL become conscious.

      A true narcissist doesn’t.

      Mel xo

  • loup73a@yahoo.com'
    Lou
    July 17, 2015

    Thank you so much Melanie,

    This may or may not sound strange but I wish I met my narc long ago. Her arrival into my life has changed me. She has “awoken” me. I have taken several trips on my own and actually now enjoy my own company so much more. I am actually going back to Italy by myself in the fall and will be riding a bicycle across Tuscany. I have also become aware of something ( I am not even going to even try to explain it) in my life that seems to be guiding me and “looking after” me.

    I have met some others since that have tried to push on my boundaries and I have simply said no thank you where I would have accepted the poor behavior in the past.

    However, I don’t think I would have looked inward and up-leveled if it wasn’t for you so thanks again.

    Take Care,
    Lou

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Lou,

      I am so pleased that you have grown through this experience, and that you are creating a real and wonderful relationship with yourself and the world.

      You are so welcome Lou!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • bcuerden@gmail.com'
    becca
    July 17, 2015

    Getting to Thriving is a hero (ine) s journey. Melanie’s NARP program helps us track down the monstrosities, look them in the eye, feel into the horrors, and through them, and get to the relief on the other side. And beyond relief, well that is a golden state. Two years plus working the NARP program, listening to Mel today- and I can actually laugh to myself when she says all that we thought was our lives turns into so much rubble. YEP! And what used to frighten me, no longer does. After two years, so many things came to head, turned into rubble, and that vast intelligent sea that we all swim in, picks up the rubble and makes something good out of it. Which is amazing- because no matter how hard I worked before the NARP program, I could not make any good out of that crap- try as I might. And as neurotic hangers-on (some people call that codependence) to the N, that’s what we try so hard to do- make gold out of shit. Sorry for the swear words. It is what it is.

    After-NARP- and still using NARP whenever some other stupid Narc-induced craziness appears in my life- I realize I am now a Thriver. To me this means that I am in what I call a “Healing Moment’. The crap now helps ramp up the healing.. And this sounds strange, but I no longer feel like I am healing just myself, but life and time. Now THAT sounds like some kind of Narcissistic hubris. It doesn’t feel inflated though. It just feels like ordinary business. This is what the N does. This is what I do. I am in a moment of healing.

    • teresa1mccormick@aol.com'
      Teresa
      July 18, 2015

      This is the first time I’ve felt moved to offer a reply on this section of the forum somehow. Like you Becca I have been using NARP for over two years and, like you, I feel the transformative benefits. I adore your honesty, your ‘rawness’ ( which sometimes provokes a ‘swear word’ or two- it’s allowed!) and the stripped down manner in which you relay this ‘truth’. Thank you fellow Narper – you made me smile in triumph too x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Becca,

      I can tell by your words you have tapped in really deeply and powerfully into the self-actualisation journey.

      You are right – 100% right – we are not just shifting personal consciousness, it goes wayyy further than that!

      So THRILLED you are a being of light for yourself and others! And that is the most humble, honourable journey there is, the knowing of that.

      It is believing that we are separated from that which is hubris!

      I KNOW you get it Bec – profoundly! Thank you so much for your share …

      Mel xo

  • suzielf@hotmail.com'
    Suzie
    July 18, 2015

    I know very deeply what you are saying is true, Melanie, and the more I use your program the clearer I see it. This is imperative. And I look at the world around and really really see a similar model at play as I saw in my own life and relationship/s….I don’t think it is coincidental. And the imperative is to my own life and to the life of my daughter. I used to think I left her father so she wouldn’t grow up thinking women should be treated that way. … Now I see how I sustain an image that she is growing up with as her paradigm. The only thing I can do for her is what I can do for myself. I also see that the only thing I can do for the world is what I can do for myself.
    Thank you for this article, and for the program and for your courage which I can now say is my courage and the courage of so many others I’m meeting now.
    Deep regards, Suzie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Suzie,

      I am just loving the depth of wisdom flowing here – and you Suzie are no exception.

      I am so pleased NARP has connected you into your True Self, which is modeling truth and love beautifully for your daughter and for your world.

      You are so welcome Suzie, and thank you for walking this mission of truth with me.

      Bless you dear soul!

      Mel xo

  • saralou_d@yahoo.com'
    Sara
    July 18, 2015

    Hi Melanie, You really are tracking so many of us from where we are. Source is truly working through you, I know this because you connect with us. I had a big breakthrough myself in the middle of the night. Earlier in the evening I had gotten into an argument with the guy I am dating. I have been practicing for some time now the ability to go within when I am triggered and do my own emotional work there. I really tried to stay conscious in this argument and didn’t do badly. I could see that he was totally unconscious and was spinning out of control. When things finally quieted down, instead of recalling how this or that he or I were in the argument I got quiet and asked myself what I was feeling. In particular, in the way I wanted to shut down. What is this about? I then remembered deciding to shut down as a child when I was mired in narcissistic abuse and neglect from my father. For me, it is apparent that this is when I decided to play small and not poke the bear. I realize it was a survival tactic for a little girl with few options. The thing I realized last night was that when I finally did get out into the world where I hoped I would be safe, there were plenty more bears out there. So, all my life I have done the only thing I knew to do around bears, play small and Do Not poke them. Now, I don’t feel so small around bears, in fact they bore me. I’m not spending any more energy on them. I will use the fuel from the blessing of this argument that showed me this part of myself as fuel for the creation of my own fulfillment.

    I want to thank you for your assistance in my journey out of narcissistic abuse. God speed to all of us.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Sara,

      that is wonderful that you had the breakthrough.

      Absolutely that is “the path”, to stop go deeply inside and to work with self.

      You are right, “the bears” are your familiar and it is where you get to play out “I am small, I am not heard, other people are more powerful than me” … all internal beliefs suffered from a very young age, which are unconsciously generating relationship to play out those Inner “truths” with.

      (Thats what belief systems do generate their validity, especially if they have a lot of emotional energy – trauma- connected to them.)

      Do you have the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program Sara? You’re really ready for the big, true reprogramming journey.

      Mel xo

      • saralou_d@yahoo.com'
        Sara
        July 21, 2015

        Hi Melanie,

        Yes, I have all of your programs, NARP, Family of Origin, etc. Something I discovered after going through the modules literally hundreds of times was that I began to feel like it was a bottomless pit. I think in some ways I had confused beliefs with labels like “defensiveness” Not really a deep belief like “play small”. The modules did help me move through the addiction to the narcissist and work on my co-dependency issues. It took over a year to work through that with the last narc I dated. I believe now that the deep, lifelong unconscious beliefs established from my childhood involvement in narcissism are coming into awareness. Playing small was a very deep belief that has been a huge theme in my life that I have been playing out in many ways in my life. Its likely a way I sabotage the creation of the business I am trying to develop. I sense it in the way I consciously believe I have a great idea and remain frustrated with expanding it. I’m still surviving and not thriving. Continuing to do my work though! Thanks

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 24, 2015

          Hi Sara,

          I’d really love you to join in with the NARP Community Forum.

          Truly I believe that with some guidance and help you will be able to pinpoint the parts that have held you back from really breaking free.

          And then you will 🙂

          Because it seems to me that somehow the process got “foggy” for you – or there is just some little “disconnect” that can be adjusted .. so that you really are shifting and expanding.

          Here is the link for the Forum Sara.

          http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member/

          Mel xo

  • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
    Jean
    July 18, 2015

    Amazing truths here!!!
    I am printing this out and reading it every day as a reminder – Living half dead – no real light in your soul is NOT living!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Jean,

      Bless and I am so pleased they can help.

      Gosh NO! Living half dead is NOT living!!

      It’s disgusting … and so NOT necessary!

      Mel xo

  • knmoran01@gmail.com'
    Nicole
    July 18, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    I just wanted to let you know that there are counselors out there that don’t subscribe to the victim model. My Christian counselor has basically told me that she has a lot of compassion for the narcissistic abuse I suffered from my soon to be ex husband, that I didn’t deserve it but I was open to the abuse and we needed to figure out why and fix it. So we did, and I am working on it and feel like I’m much further along than others in my support group. Funny thing is my narc husband stayed in the idealize/mirroring phase with me for over a decade but I saw him abuse others. I knew once he turned that side of him on me it wasn’t OK but I stayed stuck looking for that guy he once was and trying to keep my kids’ family together. Now I can see I had/have issues that made me susceptible to marrying him in the first place. I can also now see the damage that was done to him in childhood that lead to this and I have some compassion for him too. Ultimately, I’m starting to see myself as God does, imperfect yet very valuable and worthy of all things good.

    I’m not sure if I agree with you about kids. I don’t call my stbx names or anything like that but I do teach my kids about narcissism, where it comes from and that their dad is narcissistic. They are 12 and 15 and I find teaching them about their dad’s disorder makes them more compassionate yet stronger to set boundaries. I think some people would think telling my kids their dad is narcissistic could be bad mouthing him. And maybe it is but they need to know there is a diagnosis for this and that no one deserves to be treated they way narcs treat people. I feel if it is truth and meant to sincerely teach my kids it is not bad mouthing but I know others don’t always agree. I do have two degrees in elementary education and one thing I’ve seen many times is that we don’t give them enough credit on things they can learn, understand and conquer.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Nicole,

      absolutely I am aware of that – and this article is not presented against those people. And it would be the fact that the counsellor is taking you inwards to previous wounding to resolve it, that you are moving along faster than others in your Group who may not have a therapist granting that orientation.

      I totally agree that abuser and abused had “reasons” – unresolved wounding that allowed them to come together and act it out together – and like you I have compassion for everyone who has suffered unconsciousness, and the world that has so readily created it – through fear, pain, punishment and blaming and shaming.

      Nicole, we don’t have to agree about our kids, I am simply “calling” what I have seen play out in thousands of cases the difference between the victim and Thriver Models and how my own son, and those people I have got to know personally, who did work with the Thriver Orientation, how their children flourished – despite having a N-parent.

      And yes, some of these parents say to their children “Honey (what ever the N does) does not mean you are unlovable he / she just doesn’t have the resources, it’s NOT personal – and what this is teaching you is that you don’t need their approval to know that you are worthy, lovable, amazing ..”

      So YES they call it – but they do it in REALLY healthy ways!

      Speaking of “personal” you didn’t need to take my article that way in regard to yourself ..

      And that really is between you and you to look at.

      Mel xo

  • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
    Bren
    July 18, 2015

    I am eternally grateful for having found your work and am signing up for Narp Quanta Freedom Healing. Just listening to the free webinar and reading your articles has given me such a huge understanding of my inner childhood woundings causing me attracting Narcs all my life in relationships, work, friends etc etc. My parents and brother were/are Narcs…now I get it….it’s all I ever knew so it’s a powerful subconscious thing running me…..WOW. Just 2 weeks ago I attracted yet another Narc……caught myself quickly when I saw his abusive tactics, his anger, control etc and big one…my becoming addicted like a drug…..I got a hold of myself, did some talking to my wounded child and got the heck away from him. He called me an ass, nuts, crazy etc to defend himself…..the Universe showed me fast ….DO THAT NARC WORK NOW … What a message…. Whewwww. Exactly like the previous ones…yes I take responsibility for my healing…..I DONT WANT THESE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE FOR A NANO SECOND EVER AGAIN. I trust I’ll recognise them in a glimpse once I’ve done this work. I already am, but the addiction is there….festering…I’m serious about setting time aside daily to do this at the cost of other things.l…I’ve got to change the course of this aspect of my life fast….. Thank you Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Bren,

      I am so pleased you are seeing the truth …

      I just want you to be very careful with saying “I attracted” … yes we did but it’s so important in our humility to know (and also to help lead others with this orientation) that this was nothing we CHOSE consciously or purposefully.

      And people can start to really think … “Why shame yourself?”

      Which of course self-empowerment is not about!

      I much prefer this statement more than “I attracted” … “I had unconscious fears and wounds (trauma) wedged within me that lowered my vibration and allowed lower vibrational people to BE in my reality.”

      Because that is FAR more accurate!

      Also I really think the whole “Law of Attraction” thing has got a pretty bad rap … you know the “just think positive and you will change what you attract.” At that level is is “wooho”, because there is so much more to Quantum Reality than that!

      I LOVE, love, love that you are waking up, and last time a low vibrational (wounded) individual was in your reality, that you did not play out the “wounded child within” and cling, make excuses, try to fix etc” (all the crazy things we do when we act from our child) … and left to start doing the work on how to heal and grow this inner wounded child up.

      Bren, I love you determination with your CLEAR intention.

      Yes, Bren truly you are going to heal now.

      Yaya!

      Mel xo

      • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
        Bren
        July 24, 2015

        Hi Nel, thank you for clarifying…..omg I’m sooo grateful for this. Just did Module 1 ….I wept, I got dizzy releasing.mi slept so well…did it last night…..but I dreamt of many Narcs I’d had in my life and how they rejected me…..the pain in the dream was overwhelming……I woke up and finished the module this morning.
        Very powerful…going to repeat later.nis there a time frame inbetween repeating a particular module and when do you stop with module 1. Funny enough I am craving the past Narcs attention this morning yet I know I’m not interested in him in any way whatsoever. Is this something that happens. I want no one or nothing in my life that would harm my well being anymore. Do you suggest to refrain from dating whilst doing this work.
        I am clear, I want healing soooo badly I want to live the life I was destined to….doesn’t matter how long it takes just gotta get to where my heart longs to be..free of all this.thank you

        • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
          Bren
          July 24, 2015

          Apologies should read Mel…my iPad has a mind of its own…no edit button.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 24, 2015

          Hi Bren,

          yes absolutely refrain from dating.

          Clean up your Inner Being first otherwise it will keep generating “more of” the trauma … which is not what you want – a repeat of the “lesson”.

          Ok so your orientation now is don’t “think” about what is coming up for you – simply go to the Modules and shift it in your body. And this is what your subconscious is doing now … purging what does not serve you., and that is wonderful.

          That’s the fastest formula to getting well – just follow your body.

          Mel xo

  • aiameeting@yahoo.com'
    Been There
    July 18, 2015

    2 Years into the NARP journey – Life is clear and easy.

    This “A” grade results came about because – I take responsibility for everything.

    I protect me.
    I provide for me.
    I love and accept me.
    I enjoy my own company.
    I welcome opportunities of being alone or “me-time”
    I soothe and comfort me.
    I am available to me.
    I am available for my own needs.
    I walk hand in hand with my fears and anxiety.
    I make time for me.
    I give attention to my needs.
    I shelter me.
    I take myself out on dates.
    I AM TOO BUSY to think/care about what N is doing or not doing.
    I am connected to me.
    I trust me and my feelings.
    I honor me.

    This is my journey and evolution in loving myself…. 🙂

    • Fidelio1.BB@gmail.com'
      Barbara
      July 18, 2015

      Had to make a copy of this and hang it on my wall to remind myself. Thank you for sharing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Been There,

      gorgeous … I love your list!

      This is a list of “no more looking for love in all the wrong places!”

      This is a list of deep abiding love for yourself.

      Which the means a genuine love relationship with life and others.

      You can’t give or receive what you are not …

      Mel xo

  • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
    Bren
    July 18, 2015

    One more thing to ask….as I stood up for myself with the recent Narc attraction…and fled…even tho I fought it…..I note the Narc did not try to reconnect….is this due to my stand I’m taking in my healing and recognizing my wounding attracts them……very subtelly could a shift already be taking place from listening to the webinar and making a choice to heal the inner woundings…..if so, then I see how powerful this work is in shifting to new exciting levels of attracting only healthy into my life people wise and immediately seeing a narc….I believe my energy would not draw them or myself to each other. Would love your input here. I’m so encouraged…..can’t wait to become orat of the Narpers.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Bren,

      yes, you brought power back to you – which energetically means “nothing to get here, no inner wounded child from her feeding me supply.”

      You had your inner child wrapped up within you and not susceptible.

      Also that “hmm no contact now” … may be triggering another wound inside you such as, “I am not important. People don’t care … I am not worthy of attention” … or something else.. showing you what else requires healing.

      All of which you will be able to address and re-program with NARP.

      It all unfolds PERFECTLY! 🙂 Make sense?

      Mel xo

  • jonassahlberg@hotmail.com'
    Jonas
    July 18, 2015

    I actually grew up in such a family where my mother was deeply victimised and
    my father narcissistic.

    when i was 5 and started daycare i had started to attract my first narcissistic experiences.
    they came in the form of bullying, from those i went to daycare with.
    The abuse continued and followed me to school were things got really bad.
    the teacher i had was also narcissistic and just encouraged the abuse.
    (i lived in a small place so we only had 2 or 3 teachers.)

    when i had been half a year in school my mother finally realized something was wrong.
    so she started fighting the narcissist teacher, going to parent meetings and trying to solve the problem.
    and it just got worse, it was not before i told her that i wanted to die that she decided we have to change school.
    (i say she because my father never did anything to help.)

    so we moved, (at this point i was completely in denial of everything) but my mother did not want to let our “home” go so we kept our old house.
    going back to the old house on the weekends, only to make life harder.

    Then after a year my mother could not carry the family any longer and got really sick,
    blaming the bullying situation and the teachers.
    she started studying far away in hope to heal and force my father to take responsibility,

    leaving me and my younger brother with the him.
    that did of course not work as it is not possible for a narcissist to take resposibility,
    so what happened is i took my mothers place instead, and started cooking and trying to
    look after my brother.
    as i got older i just attracted more abusive situations.

    my parents started divorcing 10 years later.
    at this point i was my fathers new narcissistic supply.
    years went by and the abuse just got worse.

    about 2 years ago now i broke down.
    when i realized how much pain i was in i just wanted my life to end.
    but somehow i had the strength to do research, and after finding out what a narcissist is i found some hope, so i kept on until i found melanies youtube videos.
    after a week i had ordered NARP.
    And i am so glad i did, because i would probably not be writing this if i did not.
    so i started breaking free, slowly.

    now i have changed my perspective so much in one year it is unbelievable.
    i still have a lot to uplevel but i look forward to what life is going to bring.
    I dont even think i knew what emotions really were before i started doing NARP.
    I have a chance to really live now.
    I felt i had to write this, maybe someone can relate.

    I hope you all break free.
    Jonas

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Jonas,

      thank you for your really honest post and encouragement to others.

      Jonas when I hear stories like yours I have so much admiration for anyone who survived what you have, and who has the fortitude and courage to go on, and not give up.

      I am so peased that the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program has saved your life and connected you back to yourself.

      I hope that other people who read your post, no matter even if abuse is all they have ever known, will hear your words of encouragement and realise there is a way out of the pain – and our freedom to have an incredible, happy and joyous life no matter where we have come from.

      Bless you Joanas and sending you so much love, strength and healing on your continued journey.

      Mel xo

  • wowcon@mac.com'
    Fran
    July 18, 2015

    Thank you, Melanie. Thank you for being a clear voice in the be-wildered-ness of the early stages of recovery. And thank you for speaking so directly and so passionately to the truth that will heal us and set us free. When I started telling myself that I should be healing faster or differently, I remembered that Jesus took His 3 days in the tomb before He resurrected, and I gave myself permission on my way to my own soul’s resurrection. Your NARP program was a miraculous part of my journey, and I am so grateful that you share your gifts with me and the world. God bless you, and God bless all of us on our journey to Truth.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Fran,

      Thank you for your beautiful post!

      I am so pleased you have resurrected and you are so welcome.

      God bless you too, in an abundance of love and joy Fran.

      Mel xo

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        Olivia
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  • kimbepalz@gmail.com'
    Ann
    July 18, 2015

    Thank you Dear Melanie.

  • Jeep5457@gmail.com'
    Teresa
    July 18, 2015

    Thank you Melanie for all your insight and information!! You have helped me get to where I am now, a much better place to be. I am grateful that you do what you do to help others on this journey. I still have heartbreaking moments and wretched breakdowns but I am so much better. I think the NARP program would really help me a lot but I cannot afford it. I appreciate all your communication and hope you will continue to share your incredibly healing insights.

    Thank you!
    Teresa

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Teresa,

      you are so welcome.

      Those times are normal Teresa, and they truly are incredible breakdown / breakthrough gifts … because it is in those despairs that we can love, self-partner and reprogram so powerfully – they are necessary.

      In the darkness is our greatest gifts when we uplevel that “state”.

      Are you on the New Life Mailing list Teresa? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted Because there is a solution there to assist you – regarding not being able to afford NARP.

      Mel xo

  • bhramirez702@gmail.com'
    Bea
    July 18, 2015

    Thank you Melanie, for so clearly delineating the differences between survivor and thriver models. I have spent most of my adult life trying to survive by creating great physical distances as well as no contact between myself and N family members ( at the time I didn’t know they were N, only knew that they made me miserable). This really did not help as no matter where I went I always managed to attract N men and employers as well as chronic repetitions of my dysfunctional childhood relationship patterns. I thought that physical distance was the answer to healing but now realize that the true answer is to face my fears and do the inner work. It is somewhat of a relief to know that I don!t need to run away anymore. I just need to walk towards myself , face and heal my own wounds. I am learning how to self-partner and as a result, feel stronger, happier and more self confident every day. Thank you again for providing us with this life saving thriver model.

    • fionadorricottfinn@hotmail.co.uk'
      Fiona
      July 18, 2015

      This has been enlightening, empowering and life changing for me. Finding your website has given me strength and courage to move forward in a healthy and positive way. I simply cannot thank you enough.x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi Bea,

      how wonderful that you have realised, powerfully, that if we contract and hide … and try to protect … that our inner wounds still keep coming at us via people and situations!

      That is the absolute truth and WHY “defend, defend, defend … learn all about narcs!!” just does NOT work.

      It’s always so gorgeous when “ding” – we GET that!

      Yes, sooooo, soooo true that when you do the work on those inner wounds, you will start showing up as radiant, glowing, confident and powerful … and there will be NO narcs that can play with that ..

      And you certainly will NOT be looking out for them – they just don’t exist in that Universe!

      That’s where we all want to be, on “that” plane!

      Welcome to this beautiful world .. keep developing and hunting out those parts of fear and pain and up-levelling them .. and the more and more you will be living “Heaven on Earth”.

      Mel xo

  • djpeart7@gmail.com'
    Jane
    July 18, 2015

    Thank you Melanie 🙂

  • laface2010@yahoo.com'
    LuAnn
    July 19, 2015

    Hi Mel-
    I agree with much of this and in fact feel it…when it comes to a significant other. The break up that led me here is years ago now and I realized long ago we were two very unhealthy people. At first I blamed him but I think even as I was blaming, I knew better.

    That being said, I was emotionally abused as a child, with a few physically abusive incidents peppered in there too. The break up was certainly a catalyst in my realization of how toxic my family really was/is, even though I was aware of something wrong long before that. I think I just didn’t have the right words for it as well as being so self doubting. (Created by the environment of my childhood.)

    I admit I am stuck in victim mode pertaining to the childhood emotional abuse. I know that my toxic relationships stem from the effects of that abuse.

    The thing I don’t subscribe to is that I chose my parents for some karmic reason. That’s a way to blame the victim/child in my mind. That’s close to saying that the child deserved the abuse she was subject to, when in fact children don’t have the power to stand up for themselves. Even if some try it, they are quickly put in their place and of course they are physically weaker than adults and aren’t able to leave on their own accord. Essentially they are trapped in the abusive environment of the adult world.

    I feel like my parents abused the identity out of me so I have no idea who I really am. And I know that sounds victim-y. I get that. But the effects of abuse are almost hard-wired. The abuse creates neural pathways since it’s administered on a daily basis.

    I want to get past this place of feeling like a victim. I really do. However, I really feel stuck because I just don’t accept the karmic destiny of being born to a borderline father and a neglectful mother.

    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2015

      Hi LuAnn,

      First I want to congratulate you for being really honest about being stuck as a victim, and for reaching out and asking how to reverse that.

      I want to reciprocate by being really compassionate and also very honest with you about what I believe – and why the victim model is in fact falsity built on a surface human perspective level.

      And its falsity is NOT something I really need to convince you of, you feel the results of it in your body. You DON’T get well from it…

      Absolutely from a human level you were a helpless child with no say ..

      Just to normalise that a little – every single one of us who suffered N abuse as adults suffered faulty childhood mirroring and conditioning – leading us into N abuse.

      WITHOUT exception … there is no person I have ever met, ever worked with within their subconscious whilst doing QFH sessions (thousands of peeps) where no matter how much they professed “My childhood was great” … there was something that happened (often many things) which set them up for adult abuse.

      And these people when they came face to face with that TOTAL understanding trapped in their own self-conscious knew 100% the validity of what I just said.

      So you are NOT alone LuAnn, what you are hanging on to as your defense (my childhood did this to me) is EVERYONE’S story here … we all went through it. Some worse than you (horrendously worse) and some not as harsh as yours … but we ALL suffered unconscious parents.

      So then we look at our world – WHY has this happened? Why are our parents unconscious? … then we look at their parents, and those parent’s parents and we know this ..

      UNconsciousness is the norm.

      Our parents were in fear and survival, their parents even more so.

      How many children had a healthy upbringing where parents were not wounded, not in survival and were somatically and emotionally sound enough to be present with TRUE love … not conditional love, not punishing love, not love full of determinants and expectations?

      How many children grew up knowing they were lovable and valuable simply as themselves?

      How many children grew up with parents who had the healthy awareness and tools modelled to them to separate out and guide behaviour without shaming and blaming a child’s Inner Identity?

      The answer?

      BARELY ANY!

      You show me ANY adult who has suffered abuse, and I can find some of their TOTAL related inner wounds within childhood, generally within 1 conversation, let alone a healing session.

      I promise you LuAnn the RARE individuals who did have conscious healthy parents are the ones who have gorgeous relationships with other gorgeous conscious people.

      OR they didn’t have these parents and either just “were” an anchor of love (their personality type) or they did a lot of work on themselves to get there.

      So then we can ask “How many REAL happy marriages exist?” The answer is very few because there are very few people in our shockingly unconscious world … very few people … who don’t believe that SOMEONE else has to either FIX what happened to them (victim model) or someone else has to grant them consciousness, healthiness and happiness. (victim / co-dependent model).

      So there is a HUGE big picture going here LuAnn MUCH bigger than your little personal life, or even my little personal life, or anyone else’s little personal life.

      And our ego wants to make it all about us, our wounds, who is to blame for them – and WHY should WE take responsibility and be BLAMED!

      Luann its NO ones Fault!

      Our pain, our OWN unconsciousness is not your fault, mine, your parents, their parents, their parents parent’s, the narcissists, its NO ONE’s fault!!

      If you want to BLAME someone – blame the world!!! But even that is NOT going to get you relief..

      Or maybe you can blame GOD! That won’t work either, because at the end of the day all there is left is unhealed wounds inside you screaming … BEGGING you to come towards yourself, love yourself and heal them – because no amount of BLAMING is doing anything other than further destroying your Inner Being EVEN more!

      Luann those young wounded parts of you are screaming – “LuAnn come to me I NEED YOU!!!”

      YOU!

      Not you mother or father, not the N … YOU! No-one else can heal these inner parts, only you can.

      And have compassion for the poor wounded people before you … Is your Mum and Dad going to have the opportunity to wake up and heal themselves? (that is their responsibility to all of Life – NOT healing you ..) Can they ever get well, and get out of their living internal hells?

      Can the narcissist do that? NO!

      They more than likely won’t and that is the saddest thing ANYONE can suffer, the NOT coming home to their own True Selves ..

      But you Luann, as an adult TODAY… CAN.

      Then you may say “But I can’t learn how to be healthy now” … and I have the answer for that too LuaAnn – the NARP Program … none of us learnt what we didn’t “know”, we cleared our wounds and became organically WHO we REALLY are ..

      Integrated, whole beings.

      Thats what NARP does.

      Thats why you will read success story after success story – (this blog alone is full of those replies) but yet your ego wants to make your situation ‘Different” and grant you all the reasons why “it won’t work for me.”

      And again that is a choice – you either drop the victim stance that is killing you, or you don’t.

      And if you don’t then you simply didn’t evolve this … this time – and I believe we all get umpteen chances ..

      (Thats another discussion for another time …)

      I hope this helps ..

      Mel xo

  • sinead.mullan@smullan.co.uk'
    Sinead
    July 19, 2015

    Melanie
    I too thank God that I found you, to hear your words which have brought complete peace of mind and helped me also look inwards and stop looking out. I have learned so much in this process about what has happened to me, and it gives me the strength and courage and willingness to go and know that I can live a beautiful life, with all its bumps and lumps. Thank you so much.
    Sinead.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 23, 2015

      Hi Sinead,

      I am so pleased I could help, and you are so welcome.

      I love where you have come to! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • megs@southernphone.com.au'
    Mary Casey
    July 20, 2015

    Mel Mel Mel!!!
    God bless You!!!
    This is incredible information and while I only work from within these days, I realised that rather than encourage others to do the same, I listen to the (same old, same old) stories and reassure and rescue.
    Your latest information revealed an unhealed part of me that I had not recognised. I still need to be the good, kind and compassionate person and listen to other peoples same old (victim) stories.
    Wow! what a relief! and what a blessing to find another part of me to heal.
    I know by doing this (healing that part of me) I help others a lot more….just like you taking the risk to give us this information.
    As always, thank you Mel
    Megs xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 23, 2015

      Hi Mary,

      I am so glad this has empowered you to have the courage to be an inspiration of authenticity for others.

      We can only lead other people to the light by being the light as an example first.

      Bless you Megs … you are going to claim this next level.

      Mel xo

  • Matthewpsdad@gmail.com'
    Marc
    July 21, 2015

    Thank you for the work you are doing and the articles you are publishing! I am taking to heart the approach to protect two of my children in a toxic situation and three others that are also in. It is too easy in the western world to get caught in reactivity, blame, etc. The quantum approach to healing with directed prayer, visualization, self work has so far been the only thing that works. It seems to me that you are suggesting that allowing a person to fall as part of their process shows more respect than trying to be the ‘white knight’ who ‘fixes’ everything in codependent fashion. So far, i have been able to take actions that keep my kids safe and avoid a war.

    Thank you again!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 23, 2015

      Hi Marc,

      you are so welcome. I love that you are taking the Quantum Approach …

      Keep up the great work.

      Mel xo

  • beatabeata10@gmail.com'
    Beata
    July 22, 2015

    Dear Melanie
    Thank you for Your incredible work and knowledge.
    Let me share with You a part of my story.
    I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, a narcissistic father … and sister to a narcissistic brother. The only real and healthy relationship in my family was with my second, oldest brother who was not a narcissist, and we have both developed codependent co-narcissist behavior patterns. My brother married an extremely narcissistic woman, and I have never managed to create a healthy relationship with a man, therefore I never married. My most important female friendships were with highly narcissistic women who turned me into their emotional slave, exactly as I was to my mother, and all most important relationships with men were with highly narcissistic NPD men, the pain being so strong that each time I knew I had to leave. Although each of these men was different they all revealed aspects of my narcissistic father. The common pattern was a rather short relationship and then a long time of healing of emotional pain. Most of my life I was a 100% of an enabler, cooperating with NPD disorder. I did meet non narcissistic people but I felt I was either not inspired by them or I sabotaged a good relationship. I also met many co-narcissists like myself.
    Most of my life I didn’t know what it was all about but I knew that something terribly wrong was happening. I had no idea about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how it had been ruling my life. The answer came when I started dealing with art especially the color. One day when I started painting I experienced unbelievable, excruciating pain. The color ripped open my emotional/pain body and I was flooded with emotional material from my whole life, especially my childhood.
    I know now on the very tangeable, empirical level that the aura and the energy centers exist and they respond to many stimuli especially to colour. I also know that there is an incredible force inside of us that when we let it it will guide us back to ourselves.
    I had already been advanced with my emotional body/aura healing before I found Your website. You are absolutely right that narcissistic abuse affects us on the soul level. The narcissist manages to penetrate our emotional body and gets deep inside into our chakra system. The narcissist steals parts of our soul and instead installs inside parts of their distorted damaged being. Like the Alien from Ridley Scott movie the narcissist lives inside of its host.
    I did lots of art work and at some stage was drawn to thrillers like the Alien and dark art to confront the demon inside. I literally wanted to look it in the face to see its ugliness and distortion. The Alien lived inside of my soul and I was committed to do everything possible to get it out and regain my life. All I wanted to do was to heal the ever present emotional pain.
    In my healing work I was drawn to nature, the color, precious stones and crystals, eteric oils, high vibration music, flowers, ornament, geometrical patterns, good nutritious food (preferably no sugar, as it is most often a match for emotional parasites like the narcissist)… They raised the vibrations and lit up the shaded parts of my soul. But then I had to come in touch with them and do some cleaning. And when healing the inside I had to heal the outside too, everything seemed connected. I had to get in touch with my physical surroundings, healing places like a shaman woman, restoring peace and light. If our aura extends on the outside, as I believe it does, then getting in touch with physical places and especially those places which have been neglected and forgotten must brighten up the matching neglected parts of our soul.
    I found out that the narcissist has a tendency to specific colors as most of narcissistic people drift towards black. But also some narcissists like very bright, one might say, even childish colors. It seems that they either deny emotions (blackness) or retract to their early childhood world (vivid childish colors). At the moment I pay attention to blackness reducing it to the minimum as in my case on the vibrational level that was my match to the narcissist. But getting rid of blackness, black things, was the outcome of my inner work. And it had mostly to do with my early childhood wounds connected with narcissistic parents and religious upbringing.
    Freeing from the narcissist is basically about regaining of our emotional body, clean colorful aura. Then we are no match for the narcissist. We are connected to our soul and we are serving our Higher Selves and not the False black Self of the Narcissist.
    I cannot say I’m thriving. I am 48 and have never married nor created a family. I still have issues with my family and have to deal with the coming back of my narcissistic friend. But It’s different. With the awareness that I have, each encounter and the outcome of painful emotions is a trigger to heal these emotions and regain a part of my being. In a sense I still need the narcissist to show me what I need to heal and reclaim. I still feel pain but the pain is not me. I am becoming something bigger.
    Like many of us I feel that the Earth is changing and we are ascending. But shadows are coming out. I believe, The Narcissist, the False Self, the Alien inside is the biggest shadow we must confront.
    Melanie, I’ve been reading your articles for 2 years now and I can’t thank you enough for your knowledge and devotion. I have benefited incredibly from all of your work.
    With lots of love and blessings.
    Beata

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 24, 2015

      Hi Beata,

      thank you for your share. Truly colour healing sounds like a very passionate powerful gift that you have … absolutely an expression of Divinity working through you as the being that you are.

      You are very welcome regarding my information, and I am so pleased it has helped.

      I totally agree Beata that this is all about the ascending of consciousness for all of us … the ending of the “parasite” known as unconsciousness which manifests as narcissism … and ego.

      That’s the process our world is really going through, and it is a very exciting time to be alive 🙂

      Mel xo

  • beatabeata10@gmail.com'
    Beata
    July 24, 2015

    Dear Melanie
    Thank you for your kind words and words of wisdom.
    Once again lots of love to all
    And greetings from the south of Poland
    Beata

  • Aliciayargar@gmail.com'
    Rising Sun
    July 28, 2015

    I’m not sure why but this article is partially cut off? Is anyone’s else having that issue? No other article is like this…… Was just wondering …. Would like to read it

  • sarah.trujillo@gmail.com'
    Sarah
    August 14, 2015

    Melanie,
    I’ve been reading your articles for about a month now and although the journey is still incredibly difficult, it no longer feels debilitating. I continue to work on addressing my inner wounds and I have gained so much clarity. I still struggle with trying to make that clarity stick in my consciousness, but I know how to remind myself that what I’m experiencing isn’t a result of me being a lesser person. I just have to find and embrace love for myself rather than searching for that in others. I have broken no-contact and I did return to the narcissist because his apology seemed so authentic. And for a while he seemed like a wonderful partner. Because of the soul searching I had done, I felt stronger, more confident, and I didn’t feel as scared anymore. Things seemed to be going well for us until the day I turned to him with a problem I was experiencing. I showed weakness and within hours he resorted to his former behavior. I ended our relationship, which I’ve done before, but something is different this time. I don’t feel like I’m suffocating. I feel sad, and I’ve cried. But I’ve spent more time talking to my inner child…reminding her that she is worthy just for being her. I’ve thought about the misconceptions I formed as a child about love and value based on my relationship with my parents. I’ve seen where I formed the misconceptions about my value. I would be lying if I said that a part of me isn’t waiting for the narcissist to reach out to me and come back to me. I do miss the “him” that appears to be loving and kind. I miss the idea of the life I thought we would have in those good moments when he made promises to me. But I’m working hard to remind myself of the totality of who he is and to truly accept that he is not someone I should have in my life. This is one of the hardest processes I’ve been though but I am happy that I’ve started to move towards thinking more along the lines of the thriver mentality whereas I know I was definitely in victim mode even just two months ago. Thank you.

  • pixieguru@yahoo.com'
    Regina
    August 17, 2015

    Thank you so much for this article.. Its exactly what I needed.. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this relationship I have sustained for 9 years (Im now 32) financing an unemployed verbal abuser for the past year. Sure he is nice every now and then but to be truthful it was his face that I fell in love with.. yes.. how shallow.. his beauty. so I face my shallowness head on.. It was my patience and resilience that has taken us this far.. my stubbornness to see things through to the bitter end. But enough is enough. I feel my biological clock tick so loud and know I cannot breed with such a volatile human.. yet I know I can’t breed myself! I have a war in my own mind! I’m a walking civil war.. it would be irresponsible to procreate! Its almost as though I have hung onto this toxicity out of utter fear of growing into a mother.. and yes! I think I have! I truly do think everything has its purpose.. I’ve learnt I too am narcissistic.. It’s narcissistic to believe someone will change for me, or become the lines they throw out to appease me every now and then. Its narcissistic of me to expect someone to fulfil a role I myself am just faking. So thank you for this article.. because I think (as tears rolled down my face) I think you have awakened my inner genie and she wants to break free. I choose growth. I choose acknowledgment over blame. I’m here for a reason and I’m willing to find out what it is I need to learn, remember and own.

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