Melanie Tonia Evans

The 5 Most Common Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Mistakes

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 13
46
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

If you’ve struggled with your narcissistic abuse recovery, or been in a state where one step forward is followed by two steps back, I hope with all my heart that today’s Thriver TV Episode will be incredibly helpful for you.

Why do I think it will?

Because today I go through with you the most common mistakes that people make when trying to heal from the terrible trauma of narcissistic abuse.

I can’t wait to share this information with you (that is so obvious when you realise it) yet requires us to wake up from a trance to finally understand – True Recovery is NOT what we have been told it is!

 

Video Transcript

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is no easy walk in the park. In fact, it is the most gut wrenching, confronting and full on experience that I think any of us could ever go through. This is no less than the hero or heroine’s soul journey.

Because of this, in today’s Thriver TV episode, my greatest hope is to make it crystal clear for you – what not to do when trying to recover, so that you don’t waste time going around in circles or cementing yourself deeper into the trauma, and so that you can have a clear and decisive path to shift up and out of this cataclysmic make or break situation in your life.

This is so vital, and I’ve seen the incredible difference in the ten plus years within this community, regarding what happens when people try to just get through narcissistic abuse in contemporary ways and the true healing that occurs by stark contrast if they apply Quantum inner healing solutions instead.

Okay, let’s start with the number one thing of what not to do in recovery.

 

#1 Believing That Learning Everything About Narcissism Will Keep You Safe

Your cognitive mind has no ability to release the inner trauma that has hurt you and is continuing to generate your narcissistic abuse symptoms.

As Bessel Van Der Kolt, Author of The Body Keeps The Score states: ‘The rational, analysing part of the brain, centred on the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, has no direct connections with the emotional brain, where most imprints of trauma reside, but the medial prefrontal cortex, the centre of self-awareness does.’ In short what this means is, if we didn’t go within to meet our trauma, we go without. We miss our healing altogether.

I want you to imagine if someone shot you with a bullet. You are bleeding to death and your vital organs are shutting down. Would being left in a crumpled heap by everyone as they pursue the gunman save you? No! Would ignoring your wounds that are jeopardising your life and researching everything about the gunman’s family history, psychology, pathologies, and motivations for doing what he did save you? No!

It is exactly the same as our inner trauma. Unless we stop obsessing about the person who hurt us and instead fully focus on our insides, the terrible trauma raging inside us will destroy us emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Meeting these wounds is no less an urgency than a surgeon determinedly attending to a bullet destroying you.

Now, imagine your inner being which is deeply wounded, being like a child deeply hurt, abandoned, betrayed, aggrieved and traumatised. Do you think sitting down with this child not acknowledging his or her feelings and not helping heal them, and instead applying cold hard logic about the person who attacked him or her would help? Of course, it wouldn’t.

In my humble opinion, I believe we have all been lied to. We were told that knowledge is power. In terms of emotional healing, this is a false and deadly premise. Yes, it is important to understand who narcissists are initially, but straight away as soon as possible, recovery necessitates aligning with this truth:  The only hope of recovery from severe trauma lies in the inner healing and emotional inner evolution beyond our wounds into an emancipated more integrated version of ourselves.

 

#2 Staying Stuck In Blame

Blame is one of the most counterproductive emotions we can ever have in regard to healing. It is the notion that someone is right and someone is wrong. The biggest issue with blame is that – as adults – when we hold other people responsible for how they treated us and what they did to us, we again regress to our childlike states of being powerless and assigning caretakers to provide us with love, approval, survival, and security.

And please understand I totally get why we may think that this is the way to go and even healthy – because it means no longer are we taking on the blame that abusers pushed onto us.

Yet, it isn’t until we ‘go Quantum’ that we realise the truth of the energetic indisputable law – so within, so without – namely if we are trying to source our wholeness, safety, love and security through others, and holding them responsible when they didn’t provide it for us, it means that we aren’t as yet a generative source of these things to ourselves. And until we let go of this and the blame, we can’t get there.

I adore what my good friend and colleague Katherine Woodward-Thomas says: ‘We are only upset with others not providing us with something, to the extent that we are not providing that for ourselves.’

I used to take umbrage at this, I used to absolutely be the perpetual victim blaming the ex-narcissist for my shattered life. Whilst I was in this deeply victimised state I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own healing, evolution and the reasons why I handed power away (i.e. the fractures from my earlier life that I was replaying and hadn’t healed beyond), and why I was fully holding another person responsible for ‘myself’ who was never going to comply and be responsible for my wellbeing.

Then, of course, was the necessity to shift out of not only blaming him, which was fruitless, but also to move beyond blaming myself for all the time, love, money, devotion, and commitment I had thrown in, whilst my life was being torn to shreds and going down the drain.

Fortunately, I was able to realise that everything without exception is the result of our inner showing up as our outer traumas showing us that there is a pattern, a susceptibility, an unhealed part playing out, not allowing us to stand firm in the security of ourselves or the choices that are going to create a safe, solid, life for ourselves.

And, the ultimate gift is recognising that inner traumas create dysfunction, they create more pain, until we go inwards to claim, hold them and heal them. When we finally do, we discover we are set free from the painful choices, circumstances and people who we have found ourselves enmeshed with.

I have never seen anyone, in the ten plus years I have been in the trenches with narcissistic abuse recovery, stay invested in blame and get well. In fact, the exact opposite happens. As the years go by their life, emotions and health just get worse. This is why I urge you to shift yourself beyond blame.

 

#3 Distracting Yourself From the Pain

Unmet unhealed inner trauma does not go away. Our shadows are powerful and they carry this message ‘You are not meant to be living with wounds and these wounds will present (one way or another) to show you what is going on in the inner you, so that you can go towards these wounds, hold them, release them and live free of them in order to become Who You Really Are.’

I am not a Law Of Attraction fan (in its classic sense) because it is all about just turn away from bad feelings to creating vision boards, good feelings, and then different circumstances. Absolutely having a great attitude to life is essential, yet when we have suffered extreme trauma which narcissistic abuse absolutely is, there is no more ignoring our traumatised emotions anymore. There is no amount of ‘getting on with it’ that can take away the terrible feelings of anxiety, depression, powerlessness, fear, and severe abuse symptoms such as CPTSD, agoraphobia, adrenal malfunction and the like.

This is the make or break deal where finally we come face to face with no longer self-avoiding, self-abandoning and picking up distractions, addictions, self-medications of strategies to numb out or avoid ourselves.

This gets back to being present with our inner being. If we don’t go towards ourselves to love and heal ourselves back to wholeness how can we except anyone else to unconditionally love us? If we ignore our inner screams why would we ever believe life and others would support us either? Would we ignore a roof leaking or a motor engine grinding and just try to distract ourselves from it and think it is all going to just ‘go away’?

No! Of course we wouldn’t. Our emotional wounding and trauma are no different to a physical wound that is festering and has not been attended to. If gets bigger, more powerful and does push-ups in the background looking for a gap to express itself.

Why do we think we have yet another narcissist come into out life? Why is it that we have terrible self-sabotage moments that are incredibly disappointing and painful? Why do we think we have broken free from a painful pattern in our life simply to find ourselves smack bang back in it again? It is because we have unattended to trauma inside us. It means that our inner identity doesn’t have the subconscious programmed ability to be on any different trajectory than the ones we have painfully suffered previously.

It is only the inner work that changes this.

#4 Trying to Replace the Lost Love With Another

Of course, when you have lost a narcissistic love partner, it can be really common to want to replace this person with another lover as soon as possible to stop the pain. You may wish to get back at the narcissist for moving on so quickly – or maybe you want to get in first before this happens.

I can’t tell you how vital it is for you to self-partner, love and heal you. There are many risks to your mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical health and your recovery if you don’t. Many people try to replace the narcissist and then find that other potential partners come up short, which makes them pine for the narcissist even more.

You could also make some very rash decisions emotionally and sexually that damage your already fragile psyche at this time. Generally, when we are full of trauma and pain, the people who we gravitate to and attract are much of the same. You may find yourself out of the pot and into the frying pan, experiencing an even worse narcissistic experience than the one before.

One thing is for certain, when you are vulnerable you are like an injured gazelle at the edge of a pack. Narcissists know how to target, hook into and ensnare people in emotional distress.

I believe that the all-powerful lesson of narcissistic abuse is teaching us to understand that our true power is on the inside. If we don’t align with the truth that people will only love, connect to and treat us in accordance to the relationship we are having with ourselves, and that we will only accept relationships at the level of love and respect and authenticity that we have with ourselves, we don’t realise there is one vital relationship that we need to heal integrate and get right – namely the essential one with ourselves, and then all others can flow.

 

#5 Keeping Tabs On the Narcissist

This is one of the most destructive things that we can do in our recovery – convince ourselves that we need to keep one step ahead and find out all we can about the narcissist and what he or she is up to. I have also known people over the years (and I have been guilty of it myself) getting things like psychic readings trying to work out whether this person still loves you, cares about you or wants to be with you. Questions like: Is he or she missing me?

This obsessive focus keeps us stuck, paralysed and spending copious amounts of time denying ourselves our own healing and the up-levelled development of our childhood wounds.

When we track these traumas of ‘having to keep connected to the narcissist’ back inside us, it generally come down to these wounds – I feel unlovable and abandoned and I’m not good enough to be loved.

If we don’t believe we are lovable as ourselves, we will constantly seek validation of our worth through another. This can keep people connected, checking up on and wondering ‘will he or she ever wake up, and return to me and love me?’ for a lifetime.

Truly – as I hope you can clearly understand now, our only remedy is to do the inner work and heal and grow these parts of ourselves up, so that we can feel whole and loveable as we are. Then we can authentically become everything to ourselves that we wished this person could be – loving, supportive, accepting and adoring. Then we start to enter trajectories of life where the people who have the resources to be more of the same start coming into focus, and we start to gravitate towards one another.

Okay, so the complete opposite of these 5 most painful abuse recovery mistakes is exactly what you can connect to with Thriver Recovery – which is the direct path to creating unprecedented true healing and breakthrough that gets you up and out of the pain, hooks and addiction to narcissists and into your True Self and Life quickly and powerfully.

Click here to get instant access to all of my most powerful resources.

And if you want to see more videos, make sure you like and subscribe so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.

So until next time … keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do

 

(Visited 1 times, 74 visits today)
The following two tabs change content below.
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)


Your Free New Life Starter Pack

2 free eBooks free intro Video 2 hour free Webinar
  • Find out if someone in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • Learn how to do “No Contact” and keep it for good.
  • Discover how to get relief from the pain.
  • Learn how to reclaim your life with my 10-step process.

Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.

ssl security padlock   We value your privacy. Your information will never be shared.
46 Thoughts on The 5 Most Common Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Mistakes
  • btdnyc@yahoo.com'
    BD
    July 12, 2018

    As usual Melanie, your knowledge and understanding of what someone goes through surviving a narc is spot on. You are an amazing wealth of information. I recently got the courage to leave my narc spouse (wife) after 8 long years of abuse. I am about 2 months into the process and I have done ALL of the things you describe. The obsession with her new supply (living together only 1 month after I for divorce), the blame game, the replacing lost love and on and on. I recently cut ties with mutual friends, of the the flying monkey variety and I’ve shut down ways that I was keeping tabs on her. It’s incredibly difficult for all the reasons you describe – the hurt, betrayal and asking WHY?? over and over again. It’s certainly not an easy process, but following your blog has been a godsend. Peace and love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 12, 2018

      Hi BD,

      That is so good that you are making your way through the land mine of feelings that narcissist abuse creates, and I’m so pleased I can help.

      Sending you love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • mazlinda.abuhassan@icloud.com'
        Mama mikha
        July 24, 2018

        Hi Melanie

        I just received the 12th day of your free course. Although I don’t really sure that I’m doing it right, seems like everything has fallen into pieces.
        By god grace the narcissist that I’ve been co-dependent was ‘gone by force’ just now. Just like that… i know i will be blamed altough I didn’t do anything for him to get taken by the authorities. But I know you will help me heal.
        I’m so broke right now n can’t invest to heal my self but by god grace I’m sure i will get the full course to heal….

  • lucyrunforjoy@gmail.com'
    Lucy
    July 12, 2018

    Hi Melanie. Up until very recently your videos were my life boats. They would come through my inbox and give me hope, affirmation and powerful information on the painful journey of leaving a narcissist after 24 years of marriage and two children, and the massive mountain I had to climb after I left. A year ago I was confused, anxious and very scared. I had trouble making decisions, sleeping and communicating without second guessing everything and everybody’s intentions. My stress was awful as I wasn’t sure where I would live, if my children would be ok, and where I would work. My confidence was at rock bottom and I wasn’t sure how I was going to ever heal from the trauma. The self blame and shame was crippling at times. It was a slow slow circular process. I made a lot of mistakes and got flattened over and again but every time I moved a little more forward. I followed the Recovery program, I meditated and journaled and was honest with a few angelic souls who really understood what I had gone through. I have worked so hard to heal. Harder than anything I have ever done. And I made it through. I am 51 and it was urgent to re set my life in a direction full of love and light. I have a home, i have a wonderful close relationship with my children now, and I have work. I have people in my life who have my back and every day I have gratitude for this. I can honestly say I made it through and you and your compassion guided me every single day. To all of you just starting on this journey, it gets better. There is no way around the work but the work is the most amazing thing you’ll ever do. With love and gratitude.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 12, 2018

      Awwww Lucy,

      I am so thrilled you worked so hard at healing the inner you and broke through!

      So much love to you and yours Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • adamslynn89@yahoo.com'
      Lynn
      July 13, 2018

      Hi Melanie and Lucy, I am beginning my journey and I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart and soul. I no longer feel alone as everything being revealed in everything you say is exactly how I feel. I look forward to the complete program. God bless you all.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 13, 2018

        Hi Lynn,

        I am so happy that you feel hope and supported.

        This is going to be a beautiful journey for you.

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Tinamason78@aol.com'
    Tina Mason
    July 12, 2018

    Melanie,

    I ran across your website about a year ago after separating and ultimately divorcing a narcissist. I truly had no understanding of what a narcissist was and unfortunately found out the hard way after suffering a 100k loss after only two years of marriage. It has been devastating. What I struggle with with your material is not allowing God to heal me and use your quantum methods instead. Can you give me more clarity on your material so that it doesn’t seem to conflict with my Christianity? I don’t want to feel stuck and depressed any longer and need to find an answer that I feel comfortable pursuing.
    Thank you!
    Tina

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 12, 2018

      Hi Tina,

      I think it best for you to connect to other Christians in the NARP Forum and get their perspective https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Naturally, my take on it is the unlimited view that God loves us, wants us free if wounds and has no preference regarding ‘what we believe other than love’.

      I would suggest you need to connect to other Christians (many of which are my dear friends) to see how they accepted NARP.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Val
      July 12, 2018

      Hi Tina,
      I believe that we are all here to do God’s work on Earth in some small way. To be kindness, compassion, love and help to all living beings and care for our planet .i believe that we are God’s hands and heart here on Earth. because we are all one with Spirit. I believe that every living Being is Spirit/ God/ Divinity. To do that work we need tools. Just as surgeons / doctors need instruments/ tools to heal the sick; just as we and other species need food and water to survive, grow, feed the hungry; heat / clothing/ housing/ shelter to protect us and so on ….We have to educate / train our doctors/ scientists and so on , develop machines to diagnose illnesses ; grow our food, build our houses and stables and churches and transport….all this life giving abundance comes from Spirit. I believe Melanie is an outstanding example of someone doing God/ Spirit’s work on Earth. The tools / materials/ module work she has created are based on calling in the Divine energy, of which we are all part; sending the pain and trauma back and calling back our inner Light . You will hear this if you are able to listen to the modules. So just as almost all healing requires tools and for people to show up / do the work …I feel , in essence, the healing comes from Spirit, as we re connect with Spirit after being lost in the darkness and pain. If we think of Mother Theresa, for example, who devoted her life to doing God’s work on Earth…she needed food/ medicine/ funds/ shoes etc ; as well as her love and compassion to help those suffering. Just as Melanie offers her love, understanding, compassion AND her tools and materials to those of us here who are in need. 💛

    • still.smiling.here@gmail.com'
      Annie
      July 13, 2018

      Hello Tina!

      I myself am a devout Christian, and I had the same question that you expressed. Let me share a few of my thoughts to see if it helps. I believe that ALL good in the world comes from God…it doesn’t matter the source. God is able to inspire men and women for good even outside of a “religious” setting. In my search for recovery from narcissistic abuse I believe that God led me to Melanie’s website and information, and the truths that she teaches are witnessed to my very being, and they have been more healing for me than almost anything else. In my view, a big part of God’s healing for me has come through what I have learned through her efforts.

      At the same time, it doesn’t mean that I have to agree 100% with everything that Melanie says, and I also don’t have to attribute the healing that has occurred for me all to the NARP program. Honestly, a lot of my healing has actually come through the TRUTH that I have recognized just by listening to her shows and reading her articles, even without the NARP program. I believe that God has inspired her with much truth and that she is an amazing conduit to help others because of her character and attributes. Additionally, because I believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that it can heal our wounds, emotional or otherwise, I also regularly ask God to let this power take an active part in my life to heal me; and I believe that He responds to these prayers. Part of His response to me comes through guidance that I receive helping me to know where to look for the truth that He wants me to know to help me to heal.

      So, just as you might ask for God’s help in finding a good doctor to help you to heal a physical ailment, I believe that you can do the same for your emotional pains. In my view, you can still be a believer and a follower of Christianity while recognizing truth that is found outside of “religious” settings as well; and that God can guide you to the truth and experiences that you need to heal, wherever they may be found. You can still attribute the healing to His guidance and care for you.

      Best of luck dear lady!!

  • katrina.gudgeon@gmail.com'
    Katrina
    July 12, 2018

    So fantastic Melanie! I’ve worked through your NARP program and I have to say I’ve never felt so whole and happy. It truly makes me feel immense joy as you talked through the 5 mistakes and I can say ‘I don’t do that anymore.’ to myself. Thank you thank you thank you! xo

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    July 12, 2018

    In the past I wanted men to fall in love with me, adore me and treat me like someone who is special. Now, I am working on falling in love with myself. I wish to see myself how I would like others to see me and so on and so fort.
    The game of pain is over.
    We give them too much power.

  • stepcassi@aol.com'
    Carol
    July 12, 2018

    What a wake up call the Five Most Common Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Mistakes Video was! Melanie, you are so wise! I love all your communications but this one hit me straight to the heart. Thank you.

  • kimstenning78@yahoo.com.au'
    Kim
    July 12, 2018

    Agree, the ‘law of attraction’ doesn’t really tell the whole story and it had me believing, all those years ago, that giving love kindness and generosity would attract the same from others. To some degree it does, but I really had no idea what a narcissist was or how exceptionally good they are at manifesting their own reality too!!

    We must give ourselves love, kindness and generosity above anyone else. This includes working on our own wounds and insecurities so that we can recognize what is REAL and assert boundaries with people and situations that deplete us. This is so hard for me but I’m now on the right track and getting better all the time.

    Thanks Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2018

      Hi Kim,

      You have expressed all of this so perfectly! I couldn’t agree more!

      It’s my pleasure and thank you for your very wise post.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • mazlinda.abuhassan@icloud.com'
      Mama mikha
      July 24, 2018

      True. Same goes here with me. LOA does helps me attract certain things but not peace of mind… LOA doesn’t give me ‘my self’

  • Nellamina.hay@outlook.com'
    Nelle
    July 13, 2018

    Hi Mel
    I am seeing a psycologist in somatic work but am finding it slow and more cognitive than anything else. We speak about how I feel on the day but I don’t feel all that validated with a history of collective trauma and abuse. It has helped but I still feel and experience living in dissociation and disconnection everyday. Old memories surface from all ages especially as a young adult and child I can see how brainwashed I have been as a part of my patterns. My brain still feels like it needs someone to hear about my history as I feel validated and believed but I think this maybe another trauma from childhood bullying. How does QFH heal complex trauma?
    Thanks Nella

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2018

      Hi Nella,

      QFH in NARP work goes directly into our subconscious cellularly to load up, release and replace the core root of the trauma.

      Then everything connected to that starts to heal.

      The best way to learn about it is to directly experience it. I invite you to join me in my free workshop here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where we do QFH together.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • vikiniowa@yahoo.com'
    Victoria Kriete
    July 13, 2018

    Thank you for your effective help and for your inclusive approach and for all of your effort and work delving into your own trauma and producing this healing method. I am only at the start of the journey but am finding good information all along the way with your videos and ideas.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2018

      You are so welcome Victoria, and I am very pleased I could help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • melrpotter@gmail.com'
    Melissa
    July 13, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you for being by my side through the hardest times of my life.

    I’ve made it through divorce with two narcissistic marriages. I am raising four children with these men still attempting to manipulate through my children. One has moved out of the country but still causes terrible emotional stress for my children hence me as well. The other has altered his life to focus on destroying mine but I will not let that happen. He does not have that power!

    I write today to ask your help with a big decision. My job is becoming increasingly stressful (in education and the system is struggling which is hurting kids and teachers many children with emotional and spectrum needs and lack of support.). Seeing kids with such large needs cry out is becoming upsetting for me. I think I could manage if that were all yet it is hard with my anxiety and ptsd. It just feels like a traumatic experience at times.

    This past year it has been discovered that I work for a narcissist. I have not experienced this from her but have learned many have. Some choose to stay some choose to leave. How does one protect themselves in a work setting?

    I am considering leaving the classroom and teaching on-line or looking for other opportunities that would be healthy for me. (As long as the salary is not less…. which I could not afford to do).

    Can you offer any questions to help guide me and share your wisdom on what to do?

    Thank you for helping me heal and thrive!

    I know I need to be healthy to help my children continue as thrivers despite their trauma.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2018

      Hi Melissa,

      Wow you have been through so much and I salute you courage and power to get through what you have.

      My ‘go to’ Melissa when confused, stressed and facing big life decisions is to do the QFH work on the traumas presenting in order for clarity and power to replace where they have taken hold.

      Then the path forward and my own evolution in it becomes clear.

      Are you working with the inner tranformational healing tools to achieve this: https://www.melanietoniarvans.com/freecourse ?

      It is so essential to heal and address the trauma inside us, or we truly do only keep meeting it outside of us, no matter what changes we make in our life.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • melrpotter@gmail.com'
        Melissa
        July 13, 2018

        Thank you! I felt like I was reflecting and healing but I must still have a ways to go.

        The trauma is presenting itself in many places. As you might imagine I’m spread very thin.

        I am eager to learn and grow!

        Thank you so very much!

      • melrpotter@gmail.com'
        Melissa
        July 13, 2018

        Hi Mel,

        The link isn’t working for me. Can you please share again?

        Thank you. I don’t want to miss this opportunity!

        Warmest regards

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 14, 2018

          Hi Melissa,

          Try this sweetheart https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

          That’s so great you want to take your journey further.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

          • melrpotter@gmail.com'
            Melissa
            July 17, 2018

            Thank you Melanie! I was able to follow that link and re-read the starter pack. It was very helpful again and I will continue to keep it close.

            I can’t purchase your program right now and I wish I could do one on one appointments with you. Dealing with two ex-narcs, my job, raising four children three without parental support and all with added abuse, It feels hard for me to get healing though I think I am learning. Within a day there can be so many different triggers coming from every direction. Its like a skinny knee being re-injured without a chance to heal (with additional assault). I may actually need to file for bankruptcy because my ex’s are not paying support and my attorney fees are over $80,000. I hate to rehash these details because they do not define the person I believe is in me at all, but since you do not know me personally I feel it is background I need to communicate. I am surviving but not yet thriving.

            But, i will continue to persevere, re-read, meditate, pray, notice the good things, take a breathe and keep trying until I am in the moment where I can heal and thrive. For my beautiful children and ultamitly for me.

            I did share your work with my therapist who has been the one constant person keeping me focused on my inner growth.

            Thank you so much and I wish I could give you an actual hug in person some day.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            July 17, 2018

            Hi Melissa,

            Please know that offer sponsorship onto NARP for those in need.

            You can email support@melanietoniaevans.com to explain your circumstances and apply.

            I hope this helps.

            Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • l.e.hartford@shaw.ca'
    Leanne Hartford
    July 13, 2018

    Why is this program telling me I’ve said this before ?

  • naq817@hotmail.com'
    Nikki
    July 13, 2018

    Co-parenting with my ex, I still have no idea how to stop myself from reacting when just trying to compromise and work out the most smallest things when it comes to arrangements for our children. For instance if he leaves me waiting at our pickup spot for an hour or two or if he makes plans with the kids knowing that his plans are on my time how am I supposed to respond? I feel like I’m so sick of being stepped on and just letting him get his way with everything that I can no longer let him have his way and that I have to fight back and put my foot down. But that only leads to more frustration because he acts like he’s doing nothing wrong and he has really sabotaged my relationship with my kids as I’m seen seemingly the one who is being irrational while he is oozing fake compromise and fake positivity…. pretending and ALWAYS using our kids and putting them in the middle of our adult business, especially our oldest 16 yr old son who is the golden child, scapegoat, and flying monkey all in one and it sickens me. My sons have picked up so much of his personality as he’s deemed himself the dominant and more influential figure in their lives because “he’s dad”and “he’s a man” using the fact that they’re boys to his total advantage. I’m am at such a lost because I keep getting wounded over and over again not only by him and his craziness but also my sons. I feel like I want to flee the country or crawl up under a rock on another planet.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 14, 2018

      Awww Nikki,

      What you are going through is so normal in Co-parenting when narcissists are hooking and hurting you.

      Dear Lady my heart goes out to you and please know there is only one solution with this and it truly is the Quantum Law of ‘so within, so without’ meaning the inner shift within you needing to move into a calmer and more benign inner space and then the things in your outer experience can begin to shift.

      I know this is a huge ask! Truly I do. But it is the only way I have seen relief happen in this community, and it is the exact premise of the Thriver Esy to heal – which always is ‘go within and heal the only person we can – ourselves – in regard to what hurts right now.’

      These are my inner transformational resources that get this process started https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Also please google my name + children and co parenting for extra help on what you are struggling with.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Potterygirl1963@yahoo.com'
    Cindy
    July 14, 2018

    Melanie,
    I have found self love in myself after divorcing my exhusband. It took time to heal from the damage of a narcissist, and I still do live with damages. With my faith in God and in Jesus Christ I was able to forgive him to free my soul to forgive him. The hard part is my adult children and my daughter in law. He has no control over me, but uses control over my children and grandchild to try to hurt me. Christmas, Mothers day, my Birthday. I know they are adults and they have a mind of there own, but money and lies talk. Any suggestions on how to handle this problem?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 15, 2018

      Hi Cindy,

      That is so wonderful that you have set yourself free.

      In regard to your children, if you google my name + our children, you will see resources I have created on this topic, which will help explain in depth what you can do.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    July 16, 2018

    Hi Melanie!

    You said: One thing is for certain, when you are vulnerable you are like an injured gazelle at the edge of a pack. I agree…but I’m confused, I don’t understand what “vulnerable” means. English is not my native language, but language is not the problem here; I don’t understand vulnerable as a mental concept. Relationship experts like Katherine Woodward Thomas have said, that indeed we SHOULD show vulnerability, that this is The Key to intimacy, to really connect with another human being for real. I told the n in the beginning of the relationship all about my fears, past relationship failures, my difficult childhood stuff etc. Oh dear, I shouldn’t have! I wish I’d knew back then what I know now! Of course it was a recipe for disaster. I thought that by telling him (and actually any man, even the healthy ones) all that stuff, is the way to really create intimacy, that he knows “from where I’m coming from”, and just be plain honest with each other.
    What is the “vulnerability” that relationships experts talk about? Should I like complain, whine, cry, whenever I “feel the need” to? I’m just a human, some days I’d feel like doing so, but I bet no healthy man can tolerate that for a very long time 😀

    Now I joke a little bit, but also I don’t understand when the experts say we should be authentic in relationship. I’m 30+ years old but have never lived together with a man, somehow it scares me. I mean, the thought to lose all privacy. Yes, many things might be totally authentic and natural, but I really would not like a man to see me without make up, tell all about my periods, every toilet visit…you know. I have nothing to hide, but I do not necessarily want to reveal all about me to another person, like my old T-shirts and deepest dreams…What does it actually mean to be “authentic”, in life, in a relationship with a man? Could you clarify this? 🙂

    I feel silly making these questions, but having been with a n years…the concept of “what is normal” has pretty much flown out of the window 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 16, 2018

      Ahhh Anna,

      Yes we understand. English can be such a difficult language in that the same word means different things in different contexts.

      In this case the word vulnerable means susceptible. Such as injured and unable to defend oneself.

      I believe our vulnerability is about being ‘real’. Yet it is up to us to take our time to determine who someone is before putting all our pearls out in front of them, and also to develop ourselves enough to never regress to being inner children wanting another adult to totally take responsibility for our emotions for us.

      I love your questions about sharing you as your rawest you! We truly can release the fears of being rejected for being ourselves.

      When someone loves us fully truly they accept all of that, as a reflection of how much we can unconditionally love ourselves.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Anna
        July 18, 2018

        Thank you Melanie!
        Could it be, that “healthy vulnerability” is about strenght, not about weakness? I always wondered (when I did not understood the concept), how could any man find vulnerability “attractive”, if vulnerability means weakness, being fragile, talking forever about past hurts etc. etc. (no doubt n’s find that very attractive!)

        It is so, that the right way to be vulnerable in a healthy relationship, is for example, I stop being man/people pleasing, afraid to be honest, in case it will make him leave me, does not like me anymore etc., stop walking on eggshells. That I’m not afraid to be true…to myself.

        I want to be very clear about this all. The n experience was so bad, I don’t ever want to be in that situation again! I probably did all the possible misstakes, I fully trusted him, thought I had finally found the one.

        By the way, I found somewhere in internet this definition of n’s: they do not want someone, they want something. This is probably (sadly) the most accurate definition of the n’s I have ever read!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 18, 2018

          Hi Anna,

          Absolutely healthy vulnerability is strength!

          I love that definition too.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • richard43@gmail.com'
    Richard
    July 16, 2018

    Mel, thank you for this article which is particularly helpful to me on the question of keeping tabs. I find myself wanting to go back, to declare openly and to the heavens how much I love her, that it is not all bad, there were so many good times and there is so much life force in her, which did me so much good. Yet, she is unable to see the operations of her own subconscious, and every contact, even the most mundane which has sometimes been necessary for practical reasons, ends up in some sort of fight: defensiveness on my part, and from her side blame, contempt and punishment of me, who is slowly emerging from the co-dependence and getting stronger by the day, but still feels drawn to the flame, to the instinct to rescue because she too is in pain. She meanwhile denying her own subconscious, denying that she is punishing me, just saying she is defending herself form the hurt she feels. This is incredibly hard to resist, the instinct to comfort and rescue her, because I do believe her pain is genuine and that she too needs to heal.

    A friend said that “N-dipping” – i.e. a temporary dose of the drug, of being with the narcissist again briefly (though not intimately), can help with the process of disengaging, of “dis-enmeshment”. Others, including you, I suspect, will likely say, forget that, the only solution is “no contact”. And that the temptation to go back, in any shape or form, is yet another of the “common mistakes”. What are your thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Oh Richard,

      My heart goes out to you because the separating part is so painful.

      I am truly not a fan of ‘n-dipping’ that is fraught with danger.

      I really do believe that No Contact and then working on the inner wounds that are hooking us back in, is the true evolution and emancipation from this.

      Have you checked out my free inner transformational resources Richard? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      This is a path that works, and I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    July 17, 2018

    Mel,
    I loved your comparison of a shooting wound and an emotional wound. I never thought of it like that. Like you said, if someone has been wounded by a bullet, they won’t go research the childhood traumas and family history of the shooter. They will have to attend to the physical wound.
    And like you said, an emotional wound should be treated the same – instead of researching all about narcissists or spending so much energy trying to understand other people who hurt us – we should focus on treating the emotional wound.
    This comparison really hit home for me like never before …thanks 😊

  • mazlinda.abuhassan@icloud.com'
    Mama mikha
    July 24, 2018

    I wish i could really practice this course successfully. I really want the real me. I really need to see the genuine happiness in my kids face.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *