Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Forgive Yourself For Putting Your Trust In A Narcissist

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 10
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Do you know what I think is the hardest thing about trying to forgive ourselves after a narcissistic relationship?

It’s this – We knew

Behind the rose-colored glasses, somewhere deep down our gut was churning.

We heard the alarm bells, yet for some reason, we proceeded and kept reconnecting anyway.

Why on EARTH did we keep trying?

And how do we come to terms with putting our trust in someone that wreaked havoc on us and possibly many of those close to us?

I personally believe this is one of the hardest (if not the hardest) thing to get past in order to achieve a true recovery from narcissistic abuse …

Forgiving ourselves

Soooo … how can we achieve this?

I actually don’t believe contemporarily it IS possible unless you are some rare alien species of human who is able to!

Like so many of us, I wasn’t that person either!

And, that is why I have so much pleasure today to share with you ANOTHER way, how I not ONLY forgave myself but also led others into Quantum self-forgiveness – allowing them to restart their lives in even more divine, abundant and flourishing ways than they ever dreamed possible too.

 

 

Video Transcript

Do you know what I think is the hardest thing about trying to forgive ourselves after a narcissistic relationship? It’s this – we knew.

Our inner knowing was screaming at us that something was not right, that we were just losing even more time, money, love, effort, and health. We threw it down the drain in this relationship. And … experience showed us time and time again, no matter what we tried to do, that this ship was sinking and we were going to go down with it.

After ending your narcissistic relationship, it is very common to be left with destruction to your security, assets, connections with family and friends, and shattered emotions and health as well as all the other losses you have sustained as a result of being in a relationship with a narcissist. As you look at the rubble left lying at your feet it can be very easy to beat yourself up.

Naturally, at first, we are angered and devastated with what another has done to us. Yet, in the cold light of day, the person we are usually the most devastated with is ourselves. And the extent of regret can even be like this … I promise you I have met so many who went through incredible bouts of willpower staying away and even starting to rebuild their life, where things may have been salvaged for them, who then caved in all over again, and went back to the narcissist who then was in position to really do a big number on them and decimate their life completely. Such as those, who years later, went back, combined assets and remarried the narcissist only to lose everything again.

Can you imagine how hard it is for these people to forgive themselves? Maybe, you, watching this have done a similar thing. I’d love to hear from you if you have … I did it. There were many times in the relationship if I had kept away I wouldn’t have suffered the losses I did. If that’s you, pause this video, scroll down and share your experience. And are you rebuilding and healing yet?

Forgiveness is one of those things, that I really believe unless we Go Quantum is virtually impossible to do! How can we get past the haunting obsessional thoughts of:  How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let this go on so long and get so bad! Or, I have ruined not just my life but also my children’s lives. It’s so true the narcissistic abuse situation we went through affects everyone. It brings devastation to every part of our lives and the people in it, especially the people who love us, who no matter what they did couldn’t help us.

How can we let go of these terrible recriminations and regrets of our choices in the past?

From what I have seen there is only one way – radical forgiveness – which is an incredibly Quantum concept, and it applies to not just others, but also ourselves and all of the processes of Life that have brought us to this point.

Radical forgiveness means transcending some surface level meaning of forgiveness and instead going to the soul Quantum Truth – a place where science and spirit meet. This takes us to the higher level of understanding – there is nothing that occurs that is wrong, imperfect or happening to us rather than for us. And … God is present in everything and everywhere no matter how it appears.

 You see, as soon as we judge something as wrong, we are immediately in resistance to it. We are in that computer game at this level – hiding out in the deep dungeon, while the world above us is being blown to shreds, and we are refusing to find the code to break out of the dungeon and start to restore order again.

And, because we aren’t finding the healing and the resolution to our calamity right now, we can’t master this level and then continue on into the next one, where we will be awarded immortality and super-powers. We are stuck.

If this WAS all happening for a reason, to ultimately free us to the next level of our evolution and life, wouldn’t it be better to find the code? I know that this is a lot easier said than done, yet the longer we stay resenting Life, the narcissist, and our own choices, the longer we are in that dark dungeon with no hope of daylight.

Personally, I know I never would have got out of my emotional and mental dungeon if it wasn’t for accepting this: ‘If there is a reason for this that is ‘for’ me, I want to do everything I can to discover it.’

And discover it I did. I found and embraced that the life I was having with the narcissist was as delusional as I eventually accepted he was. I wasn’t happy. I was constantly handing over power. I was always uneasy and violated and replaying old patterns and tapes of not being valid, valued and loved healthily – and trying to fix someone else so I could be. It was a false dependent, precarious life of me trying to get myself from the outside in, which was unconscious.

Why this had gone to such a terrible almost fatal level was because I hadn’t woken up, even though my inner being couldn’t have been screaming any louder. I was chronically self-avoiding and self-abandoning whilst trying to force someone else to love and value me – whilst not anchoring into doing that myself.

The most wonderful gift about narcissistic abuse Quantum Recovery is that we finally, finally stop trying to gain ourselves through things and others to become whole sources within – which is the only place from where all of life can flourish for ourselves and everyone we touch. That is the incredible gift.

Yet, I can almost hear you say, ‘Melanie even if I accept that, why on earth did I have to lose so much, stay so long, give up my best years, lose all my resources and money and everything else that I used to have in my life?’

The answer is this: we take this lesson on with ourselves, the trip of grand unconsciousness, of holding others responsible for our own unhealed parts for as long as it takes to awaken. I personally had to lose everything and almost my life. Some people wake up long before that. Others don’t wake up at all in this lifetime, and may take several lifetimes … but they always will one day. Because we are all going home to wholeness because there is actually no other destination to reach.

This is what I have seen, time and time again in the most terrible of narcissistic abuse loss situations, that the rebuild of people’s lives has nothing to do with what they did or didn’t lose, or even how bad their health became, or how old they were when they finally got away. It is truly to do with the radical forgiveness of themselves. Meaning coming to the realisation: my soul got this right! It did everything necessary in concert with my personality, the narcissist, and Life to bring me to my awakening.

When people do everything in their power to accept and align with that truth, the power of spiritual compensation is freaky. I have seen people rebuild and turn their lives around in the most spectacular ways you could imagine. Synchronicity, miracles and unlimited blessings are on their side, and there are no more powerful forces than those. None of this is a coincidence, because that is what Life is when we live as a True Self.

This can take all we have got to get there. When we are in the dungeon level with our world crumbling around us, we can be in the depths of despair and darkness because it is so unfair that we are set back so far. We may be so angry that the narcissist is skipping off into the sunset with all our goodies and their new love while we are devastated emotionally, practically and financially … and of course this is normal.

Yet, we have the Quantum tools available now to shift past these states, work with the Radical Forgiveness Code, heal ourselves beyond the levels we were operating at before and claim our true divinity.

Okay … so here is the Code – pure and simple.

Step 1: Reach deeply inside and release all the traumas blocking you from accepting your situation and what you went through (NARP Module 3 work is powerful for this).

Step 2: Set this goal and clear all resistance to it: ‘My consciousness and freedom into my True Self function is the most valuable dream I could ever have’ so that you start living life in THAT alignment. (Goal Setting Module in NARP will help you with this one).

Step 3: Is the letting go of all notions that ‘I am only loved and valuable if I have a, b or c or if I do a, b or c.’ Make sure you include all the things you have lost that you think are conditions for your being adored as you right now. (You may wish to clear these ‘conditional love’ attachment wounds with Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module in NARP).

Then … truly when you start becoming the miracle of feeling and generating life from the relief of the previous ‘non-forgivness of self’ trauma and, when you begin your Life as a True Self Being … just see what comes to bless you!

Again its no coincidence – because this is simply more of the blessing that you have already become.

Ok, so let me lead you straight to Radical Forgiveness! By connecting to my free resources, I promise you won’t miss True Forgiveness because the Thriver Way to heal is all about it! You can start to get relief about all of this today, by signing up to my free 16-day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and so much more.

And, if you want to see more videos make sure you like and subscribe so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.

So until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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115 Thoughts on How To Forgive Yourself For Putting Your Trust In A Narcissist
  • cheneikaparker@yahoo.com'
    Nik
    July 17, 2018

    I have been dealing with my ex for 10 years off and on. Over the years he has not seen our daughter for months at a time married someone else and made me believe he would leave time and time again. For years I blamed myself for his disappearing acts and cruel ways thinking I was pushing him away and causing his behavior. Then I ran across one of your articles and the love bombing devaluations and discarding made so much sense. I am finally able to see his behavior as NPD. With everything I’ve been reading and learning recently my concern is the trauma bond we have built. I crave and desire him to come back when he and I haven’t spoken. This time around I have a deeper understanding for why he has disappeared in the past but it doesn’t take away me wanting him to return despite his cheating manipulative unemotional ways and despite me learning of his recent drug abuse and utimately the way he has treated our daughter. How can I ensure I won’t open the door when he comes back? How can I break this cycle? Please help.
    P.S. your words are amazing and helpful, may The Lord continue to bless you and give you guidance and wisdom in your walk so that you may continue to help others and yourself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Awwww Nik,

      My heart goes out to you!

      Our True emancipation and disconnection from narcissists doesn’t come from learning all about them. It only comes for real when we do the inner work and heal the inner parts of ourselves which are still trauma bonded to them.

      That is what my Thriver Recovery work is all about and why it has worked for myself and so many other peeps in this community!

      I’d love you Nik to connect to this so that you can experience a deep understanding of this inner work, as well as it’s effectiveness.

      You can do this here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I so hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • cardoclau67@gmail.com'
        Patricia
        July 17, 2018

        Hello Melanie;

        Thank you so much for what you do, you literally help me save my life. 5th day after realization… I am in a very particular situation, in a foreign country, where my N ask me to wait for him, I got a small [abusive-money] experience with a neighbor, and I went through hell, that was my wakeup call. Then I found you and realized in what kind of relationship I am. I can’t go back to him, I can’t stay here; I can’t go back “home” cause I have no other than his. I am facing going to my native city, than, in case my two only willing-to-help friends can help, I’ll be there homeless, jobless and without any money. I can’t buy your full program, I am doing the work on myself with your gift 16 days course, by taking from here and there [almost all from you, thanks again] and today forgiving myself is the “seem impossible” task. I am still in contact in order to get away without him knowing, taking advantage he is at sea, but to leave him I need a plan… I contacted my mom, only to realized she is my original N… forgiveness is so easy to do with them, but with myself… one day at a time, learning and exercising love, acceptance, blessing, going back to my spiritual believes, listening to quantum healing music, meditating, reading about cell memory, and almost the “banging two fish on my head”… so I feel burnout… please if you have advise for my case… thanks again.

      • meandtonya123456@gmail.com'
        Reginald
        July 20, 2018

        I have been in a friendship dating relationship for the past two years.I never heard of the word narcissist until she told me I was.So I googled the world and every sign matthed her.We both had separate houses,but she had to come stay with me until she got hers back.She tried to control my house and if I would say no about anything she would start a argument and out side to let all the neibors here,so I got fed up and ask her to leave she pulled a nife on me and I removed her from my house.I ended up watching a family violence case.We still continued to talk and she ended up staying me and her dauther.Should I forgive her and help her get out.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 20, 2018

          Hi Reginald,

          As Dr. Phil once said, “the best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour.’

          By continuing with her that is what you will be subject to … and worse as she realises what she can get away with.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • ignaciojb_2001@hotmail.com'
    Alex
    July 17, 2018

    I was over 16 years with a narcissist. I only found out when I left him. During all those years I wanted to get closer to him by sharing my most intimate thoughts and feelings and also real but difficult stories about my past life. However, I had strong feeling I could trust this person. So I never did. I even told him I could not share my most intimate feelings because I did not trust him, but I could not pin point why. Now I do. And I am very happy and relieved I didn’t’
    fully trusted him. Thanks Melanie, you provided me with the information and tools to heal. Alex

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Wow Alex,

      That is so interesting!

      Please know you are very welcome, and I’m so happy for you that you are doing well!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    July 17, 2018

    yes thats me i went back twice to the same narccist..the third time is discard was so horrid i wanted to die ..fourtunatly i met you ….and it all started to make sense ..my health was on the edge and he has discarded our son me our other family members …his brother even committed suiside…he is a high functioning sexual predator need i say more …. i managed to out fox him in court but it took divine intervention to pull that off and it happened as I’ve been napping for a while now …settlement achieved ..permanent no contact established …but yes the regret s huge ..i just got a job as a shit kicker to over expenses and to try not think …i was a professional …no I’m pretty lost …..started dating again after 2 years but i must admit I’m not that interested..its just flattering

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Hi Sue,

      I am so pleased you found your way here to this community and that you are working with NARP on your recovery.

      Are you in the Forum reaching out for support? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Maybe some help to Thrive with your Tribe may be just the medicine needed!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • judithafile@gmail.com'
    Judith
    July 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie, I’m seventy and have spent forty years and many attempts at trying to figure this out and preparing to leave.
    Each time I made attempts to do so I encountered a narcissistic situation. Having done some work with QFH I understand my situation.
    The current crisis has not seen me become totally depressed and invisible but dissociated and stymied. Its as if which ever way I move I will be out of control and handing power over to the N.
    The work with QFH is the one way that works in my situation and the relief is instant. However my pattern is a tendency to not rock the boat as any subtle change is seen as a threat and ‘what’s wrong with you’.
    With love
    Suni

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Hi Suni,

      It sounds like you are breaking through and I commend you for the courage to work diligently on yourself to heal.

      Regarding the tendency to ‘not rock the boat’ my suggestion would be to target and release the traumas which appear in your body when you imagine doing so.

      That will free you from that pattern.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lolo.r.loprz@gmail.com'
    Lopez Lauren
    July 17, 2018

    Thank you so much for the site. It has saved my life literally. I did leave my narcissist and I went back when I went back that only gave him time to alienate my children and some of my family from me and continue the same behavior with me. I have boil of him seeking divorce it’s been a year and it’s hard not being able to apply on the person that you’ve been married to for the cure her life.
    Every day I tell myself it will get better because it couldn’t get any worse and I will wait and take my time to reunite with my older children and ITime in my happiness before he will show them their fathers lies. For now I have to be there for my 15 year old. And someday maybe it’s fine happiness again for myself. I really do appreciate of advice that I get from you it Saves me a lot of time trying to figure out my life that I shouldn’t waste time looking back on. Easier said than done.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Hi Lopez Loren,

      I am so pleased that you have connected to my information and that it helps.

      I wish you and your children incredible breakthroughs and healing Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • planetclaire3@gmail.com'
    Claire
    July 17, 2018

    Yes l went back, even fought to get back, after he had run away when l found him looking for Asian brides on the internet. Of course he totally denied it. He had rented a small holiday apartment for a sum that was double what he had ever allowed us to spend together. How did l know about this? Well he mentioned in a rare phone call that he was staying near to his old flat, which he had also told me once when we first met, that if he wanted sex he just went to the “Sleep Easy” next door. I was so naive that l thought he was joking. I went to visit him and tried to talk him into dealing with our problems, as we still loved one another. But he seemed paranoid and distracted, chased me out of the flat, threatened to call the police unless l left.
    Then he disappeared. Not a word or trace of him for almost a month. He had moved in with a mixed couple, he Muslim, she Chinese renting a room in their flat on the other side of the city.
    A clinical psychologust friend of mine encouraged me to do marriage therapy and get a job, sort out my own life and not be dependent on him. (We had been traveling for a year searching for greener pastures to start our life together.) Which l did. We moved back together at the start of a new series contract.
    I worked long hours with only Sundays off. He would never tell me what he did in the day while l was gone, often switching his phone off so that l couldn’t get hold of him and would have to walk home if l finished early. It was about 2kms but in a dodgy area. We only had one car, his car! Mine he encouraged me to give to my daughter because we only needed one was his reasoning.
    The story is endless….
    I knew things were wrong, but l had married him and was committed obviously more than he. I couldn’t just walk out like it was just another relationship. He told me he had broken many hearts before, walking out and leaving everything behind. At the time I told myself that it sounded dramatic and far fetched, but little did l know it was probably very true. Things niggled at my intuition and my health was declining with the lack of true authentic love that l had taken as a given but was now abscent. Always when l was at breaking point he would turn back in and convince me to keep moving forwards together.
    We bought outposts together and were going to hand build a house. He took me to meet his family overseas and on our return he provoked a massive fight, breaking the news to me that he no longer wanted me, the marriage, the house. He wanted to return to his home country as the grass looked greener on the other side. He left within 5 days of our return from an idyllic Family Christmas holiday which totally shattered my reality. Three and a half years later l still struggle to put my life back together but the lesson was well learnt and now l smell narcissists from a mile away.
    Forgiving myself for holding on in spite of my soul screaming out at me, well that takes time too, but l will get there with the help of NARP, Melanie and my dear friends and daughter.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Awwww Claire,

      Sweetheart you certainly have been through the ringer.

      You are sooooo not alone and sending big love, healing and blessings to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • kajean718@gmail.com'
    Kajean
    July 17, 2018

    My experience with a Narc was only a little over a year, and I saw and ignored red flags from the second I met him. Granted, I hadn’t been on any dates for roughly 10 years ( young kids activities always kept me busy) and I figured my radar was a little off. Lol. Needless to say, the love bombing was in full play, as well as, mirroring. He was very sneaky about the other stuff though. He never raised his voice to me, but rather, talked very softly, as he knew my hearing wasn’t the best. He did do things to make me jealous, and then told me “he wouldn’t stand for my jealousy” as his x was always jealous…
    I went no contact in March of this year, and I am happy to report that I’ve blocked him every way I can. I have not snooped his social media, and to my knowledge, he hasn’t hovered. I’m guessing he is with new supply as right before I went no contact, he told me about all the “female friends” he has been meeting up with. If that means, he will leave me alone, then I hope he continues meeting up with them. It has been a long, difficult, confusing journey, but i think its, for the most part, starting to fade. I am focusing on myself and my healing and my fixing myself to learn to set boundaries and most importantly, LISTEN to the intuition. This entire experience has been a true eye opener, and I’ve learned so much about myself. Your words of encouragement have been so helpful getting through this. Thank you.

    • keepintouch.massagetherapy@yahoo.com'
      Barbara
      July 17, 2018

      Your experience is very close to mine. I was single 9 years and only with mine almost 5 months. CONGRATULATIONS to you for going no contact and blocking all ways in. Stay strong sister and much love and light to you. Remember to give yourself BIG pats on your back! Barbara

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Hi Kajean,

      That is so wonderful that you are focusing on healing and developing you post this relationship.

      That is where the true gift is!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • director@realchangenews.org'
    RiverPhoenix
    July 17, 2018

    Wanted to say thanks for what you do. I broke about a month ago and finally walked away for good. It became clear to me that I was falling apart, and that things would only get worse if I didn’t go. I was Isolated from friends (they didn’t want to hear it anymore), barely functioning in my life, passive, soul sick, anxiety-ridden and shut down.

    And your videos got me to understand that my life was not my own and that was on me. And they helped me to see that my own soul had been abandoned, and that was on me too. You got me to see that the only place I have power is in my own life, and that if I don’t claim that, others will. So, I’m grateful for that. Without those insights, I’d have gone back like all the times before.

    I find that forgiveness is at the crux of recovery, and that it is hard. I know I don’t want to be teathered to that energy, so forgiveness of her is a mercy to me. It’s a work in progress, acceptance and letting go. I find forgiving myself harder, because, as you say, two months into a two year relationship, I knew.

    So, is this finally coming to forgiveness an ongoing process? I’m working that through, but it seems to take some time.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Hi River Phoenix,

      You have embodied so much wisdom and inner strength. Big kudos to you!

      Yes it is ongoing. The more we develop and grow ourselves into our True Self the more grateful we become for the journey …. and eventually we get to the highest level of forgiveness which is ‘all of this at soul level was perfect and a gift’ … meaning there are in fact no perpetrators and nothing to even forgive.

      But take as long as it takes … the journey to get there is just as rich and illuminating as the destination.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    LindaC
    July 17, 2018

    All I know, is that I took that scared little girl who was traumatized as a child, and I held her very close and told her everything was going to be ok. That little girl didn’t know any better and so I had to take that part of me and have a “little talk”. It’s all ok. We make mistakes in life. And the positive thing to all this? As an adult, I do know how to love unconditionally. It’s a part of my DNA. And with that, that little talk with that child included a hard understanding and accepting that sometimes we can love the wrong people. Because we didn’t have boundaries, or courage, or too much fear or whatever negative emotion that was being held on to, we can easily make bad decisions when it comes to relationships.

    But like you said Melanie, after this comes the healing. The closing of old patterns and traumas. There is SOOOOOO MUCH LIGHT on the other side!

    This process and this part of forgiveness is ongoing for me. It always will be, but that’s ok, because I am worth forgiveness. XOXOXOX

    • dantalionofthegoetia@gmail.com'
      Tina
      July 17, 2018

      So beautifully said. I hope to say the same someday…hugs to everyone here going through this…

  • adriana.james59@gmail.com'
    Adriana
    July 17, 2018

    Thankyou Melanie, for this article (and the many others). I left the N almost 3 years ago, the divorce is finalized and no contact has been strictly maintained. (We were married for 27 years and have two children). I am proud of how resolute I have been after so many years of trying and trying to make the marriage work.

    Yet, here I am, exactly as you say – he has skipped off into the sunset with his new love and her riches and I am still reeling. The first period after the
    separation was traumatic, to say the least. But now, as my life has taken a new shape, new job, new home, and is beginning to settle, I have a continual overwhelming feeling of meaninglessness that follows me like a cruel shadow. I work incredibly hard at reshaping my thought patterns, being positive, determined and mindful. I meditate, go for long walks on the beach with my dog, mostly take good care of my body. I maintain an upbeat, friendly demeanour and work hard at my job. I love my children dearly, but as young adults I have to allow them the space to live their own lives, which they do. My daughter is migrating to another country and my son is very committed to his work and small business.

    I don’t know how many more times I can work through the NARP modules, I don’t know how to move on from this loss of purpose or even less how to find a new purpose. More than anything I want to ‘awaken’ and be able to use all of my experiences for growth, yet I just go around and around in an endless circle, punctuated by brief episodes of lightness, which soon dissipate and I am back in the pointless, useless conundrum that is my life.

    Any and all advice will be gratefully recieved

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Hi Adriana,

      My greatest suggestion to you is to seek the support of the NARP Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      So that myself and experienced Thrivers can help support you to achieve your breakthrough.

      You don’t have to do this alone.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • cateshine@yahoo.ie'
      Cate
      July 27, 2018

      Adrianna, I just wanted to post because while my own recovery is relatively short, coming up on a year since I was devalued and discarded after 12 years of marriage, I feel that I found a huge help to accompany the narp process. Its Vipassana. Its a 10 day silent meditation that teaches you to go deep inside yourself to understand who you are at your core. I did this in late March finishing in April. Prior to completing it I had done huge work on learning to love myself, I call her my SoulSelf, I went back and worked through every trauma both through counselling and through NARP. The suffering from last August to April of this year was off the richter charts, I got so much relief from NARP but the suffering permeated my whole being. Vipassana gave me a huge gift and I know I gave it to myself because I worked so hard for the 10 days, but it gave me an end to suffering, to understand that it is impermanent, that it will arise and yes it will pass. I am now completely recovering, more each day but without the constant suffering that accompanied it prior to Vipassana. It was such a gift to myself that I did it. I hope, if you can, that you do it and that you get relief.

    • mebefox1627@gmail.com'
      Connie Fox
      July 27, 2018

      Hi Adriana,

      I think you are a clone of my life. I understand 1000% how you feel. I too was married for 27 years, together for 30+ years. 3 years since he walked out, 1-1/2 years divorced. We started dating in high school at 16 (I’m currently 51). I have 2 children, one of each.

      I, like you, put EVERYTHING into him. I thought he was my soulmate, my one true love. We would talk for hours and I believed EVERYTHING he said. He even called his brother a narcissist. At that time, I thought I knew what that word meant, but after many hours of reading and finally finding Melaine, I now know the true awful meaning. I have struggled believing this is truly who he is. He, like yours, is off in the sunset with someone my children can’t stand. He has told them he doesn’t like/love her but they look good when they walk into a bar. He treated me much differently in front of people and I thought I was crazy. It just didn’t make sense. When I would try to explain how I felt, he said I was being dramatic and that’s not what he meant. I finally told him he was like a Jekyll and Hyde. When he walked out, he said “I love you and I’ll be back. I just don’t know what I want”. I thought I was being a good person by giving him the time he needed, blaming it on a mid-life crisis. He would come back home for dinners sometimes. When he wanted a family he would be nice. I believed him. Knowing deep down he was seeing people, but also knowing there was just no way he would be doing that. Years of computer porn. The list goes on. I just knew he would change one day because his actions didn’t match his words.

      Like you I’ve had to start over…with the lack of purpose, loss of dreams and that “just floating in the abyss” feeling. I have gotten a new home, going back to college and have a great job. Doing all the right things. I have Melaine’s modules. I go on and off with them because sometimes I feel overwhelmed. As time goes on, I feel better. I know I am a good person. I believed in marriage and the words spoken. What this man did goes against everything that I am. How could someone be so cruel? It’s so hard for me to believe. Truly hard to believe. Somedays (not as many as they used to be) are just a spinning of words in my head. “This is what he said”, “but this is what he did”. “Stop”. “Yes, but I love him, but you know what he did and who he is”. Over and over.

      I just “keep thriving because that’s all I can do”. That’s all you can do. Believe in who you are, your core and take each day as it comes. I know with the right connections (Melaine) we will, in time, be truly ok and happy with ourselves. A quote from a friend… “I am. I can. I will. I do.” Take one day at a time.

      All the best to you…….

  • peginboynton@hotmail.com'
    Peggy Koska
    July 17, 2018

    Melanie, I thank God for you! I thank the entire Universe for your free QFH healing techniques for “Unworthiness of Love”
    I have done it over 30 times now and I am feeling like I’m scraping my way out of the dungeon.
    However, I’m still hoping for the day when I can afford your whole QFH program!
    I truly believe you have found the way to heal from narcissistic abuse.
    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      It’s my pleasure Peggy!

      I’m so pleased QFH is helping you so much!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • dantalionofthegoetia@gmail.com'
    Tina
    July 17, 2018

    I am so grateful to find Melanie and connect with others going through this…knowing what I know now it still seems like bad dream..but I am hopeful to use the techniques to keep my boundaries and try to shape a new destiny. Thank you ..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Please know Tina that there is hope!

      There is more than hope.

      Much love to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • dianafowler71@hotmail.com'
    DIANA VANLONE
    July 17, 2018

    I just did the same thing. I was very angry and devastated when my ex-n was discovered while driving in my truck with another woman. He drove right into my car in order to evade me. To this day he claims he was only giving her a ride. I had booked a hotel room. It was the day before Xmas eve and it was by the time this happened. Into the early morning hours of Christmas Eve. In any event. I broke all contact at that point. He was incarcerated for something else and basically allowed to get away with the damage. He fled the scene of the collision and still managed to not get any charges in violation of peaceful contact order and hit and run. So fast forward 16 months. Here we go I break the no contact and decide to try to repair some of the animosity. I wondered if I were fooling myself. I still think I had some issues and I was validating myself by seeing if the narcissist would In fact be cold and distant or whatever. I just know that some part of me loved the man that he made himself out to be. The part that was kind and funny and such a great lover. But in only a matter of 6 short weeks he began to devalue me at an alarming rate. The tell tale signs of his extreme narcissism. They were showing and it’s even more painful the time around after you’ve gone noncontact. It’s almost as if they want to see how much damage they can inflict upon you. Since after all Ithe last time we had contact I was finally able to see him in action. With my own two eyes. So I sit here devastated at the hurt. Angry at myself for thinking it would be any different than before. I actually began to believe it would be.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Awww Diana,

      Please don’t beat yourself up … so many of us did this too.

      Maybe … we had to really, really be sure.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    July 17, 2018

    Narcs are weak and sick. Being with them It is like eating a bad apple. And you learn to eat bad apples when you are a kid and your family serves you bad food (bad treatment). It is not your fault. When you are completely healed you know how to detect the poison.

  • Ihnjh@sol.com'
    Eddie
    July 17, 2018

    Being with a Narc is similar to being with someone as some christians call “uequally yoked”. I made the choice marrying this girl knowing it was going to be a challenge sooner or later only to be in a horrifying life with that person sooner than I expected.
    I was extremely attracted to her classy looks but she has attracted Men into life on her phone and at work.
    Mel you hit the mail on the target with this articke its like im ready a story about me…and now Im aftaid of being alone and dying with a terrible health issue and divorce around the corner. I guess i should buy this but i recently got fired which us why she said “I’m done” so at least I know now what im dealing with.

  • letsgetfreedomofspeechback@gmail.com'
    Patti
    July 17, 2018

    I’m in the middle of it right now. I am trying to leave but it is difficult. I am scared. He seems dangerous, and even his adult children seem dangerous. He goes into drunken rages yelling and breaking things, and he has said that he wished that I was dead. My car turned up with thousands of dollars of damage when it was in his garage. It was cut and sliced on 3/4 of the entire car, a broken tail light, and it’s a brand new car on lease therefore every scratch needs to be repaired or I will be penalized thousands of dollars. I asked him about it and he was nervous and tried to blame it on the car wash. Either he did it or his angry and jealous daughter did it. Then he turned his kids against me and I was treated around the house like I was the criminal and outcast. I reported it to the police and will be meeting with the police officer tomorrow because the damage is felony level because it is around the entire car and it’s a new car. I have a $1,000 insurance deductible so this really hurts. It’s a blow financially at a time when I am trying to move 100 miles away for a new job and I have a trip with my high school besties planned in 4 weeks and for which I already paid for my plane ticket. He is the only one who can watch my two little fur babies while I am gone and I am so concerned about where I can leave them now. Narcissists are so good at making people depend on them. I don’t even know how he did it but he did. I have a good job but his is better. I just hope that I survive trying to leave him. I feel like he won’t easily let that happen.

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Val
      July 17, 2018

      Dear Patti,
      He IS Dangerous. Please get very, very clear about that. Get out now. Get help if you need it but get out. Your fur babies are not safe with him and can not defend themselves. Cancel your trip if you can’t find a safe place for them. you can survive but you need to get very focussed and take action. You are strong, help is available , get it and know there is tons of support for you here in Melanie’s community. Act now, with further hesitation or delay. Blessings be with you now. Your safe and happy future is waiting to greet you Patti xo

    • nesilaw@outlook.com'
      "Aneas"
      July 21, 2018

      Yes Patti, I agree with him, “GET OUT”…like much of these other comments that talk about our screaming gut checks, yours’ clearer said “DANGEROUS”, so listen! God let you see a glimpse of the natural manifestation of this DANGEROUS!

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Megan Allen
    July 17, 2018

    You and this work are so very valuable. We are all lucky to get to open our hearts into this. 🙂

  • ektaharyani9@gmail.com'
    Akta
    July 17, 2018

    I am in a relationship with this man since 4 years now. I am not even sure if I am dealing with a Narcissist in the first place. But I feel I am dealing with one. We both were legally married to different people when we met. He had lived away from his wife for over 4 years and were just about to get a divorce only the final hearing was left. Six months and we went super strong with each other. Just before a day of divorce the wife says she doesn’t want a separation. And this guy is like for the sake of my daughter I have to be in my marriage. By then I am neck deep invested emotionally physically and financially with him. Without giving proper closure to any of these he moves on with his wife only to come back every 6 months saying it’s US he is meant to be with but keeps going back. It has happened 6/7 times. I have been single ever since I met him, though not legally divorced with my ex husband. Three months back this man again gets his wife and daughter back. This time I promised myself I will not take him back whatever it takes. I am associated with this group that ISHA which has various Inner Engineering programs which have helped me in trying times. Around a month back he joins one of the programs where I was volunteering and has been doing the practices since then. We are talking and meeting again though I am telling myself to watch things more closely but I am not able to shut it down though I am seeing that I am only going on investing even more in this relationship. He is saying he will own up everything this time and make the relationship permanent but my gut is saying otherwise. Now I don’t know which is more true, is my gut saying this because I happened to have read too much about Narcissist disorder or are these genuinely red flags signaling that he will do the same again. Every time he has to quit he starts playing games, ignoring, saying lies and confusing me every day till I get completely drained out. Every time he goes he leaves me in a worst financial mess. And every time he wants to come back he tries to clear some of that mess. I want to understand if this time it’s for keeps or should I keep thinking of the flags and not cherish the relationship

    • xjulesx@gmail.com'
      Jules
      July 17, 2018

      I would say that if he is unable to commit to either relationship that is unlikely to change. If he has lied to you and you are sure of that then he will almost certainly lie to you again. Your gut is likely to be right, if it feels wrong then there is something wrong. It isn’t your mess that is the problem probably, it is his mess and he has to deal with it. Just as you can’t fix him, you can only fix yourself, he is the only one who can fix himself. If he puts the effort in and comes to you as a changed man then maybe it would work out one day, but if he isn’t willing to put the work in to change and grow himself then his behaviour will stay the same and he will continue to damage your life. Someone said to me before I married, “If in doubt don’t” and I wish I had listened. The danger is that your whole world becomes about this one thing, this one relationship, and you then miss the wider picture. The whole world is out there so don’t lose sight of that. If this relationship doesn’t make your life better then maybe it is time to move on and put the whole thing in the “lessons I learnt” box and walk away. I wish you well whatever you choose to do. x

  • rhoda.ww@gmail.com'
    Thriver
    July 17, 2018

    …synchronicity, miracles and unlimited blessings are on the other side, and there are no more powerful forces than those.
    None of this is a coincidence, because that is what life is when we live as a true self.
    Dear Mel once again thank you. This is spot on. Am so glad that my life is unfolding as you have described above and its amazing. 😊. It is always great to get the synchronicities that confirm to me that am on the right path. Lets all keep doing the inner work. May God keep blessing you and expanding you.
    Love,
    Thriver.💕

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Hi Thriver,

      I am so thrilled for you that you have reached this inspirational level.

      Sending you many continued blessings!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • carbor@optusnet.com.au'
    Caro
    July 17, 2018

    Ive been in an on/off realtionship with the Narc for 3 and 1/2 years. Im kind of embarresed even to type this because I know, Ive always know what he is.The fact that he is also Bi-Polar meant for a long time i turned a blind eye to all the signs and blamed them on his Illness. I found your webpage Melanie last year and it gave me the strength to block contact and attempt to move on. For me it was always about closure, I felt I was entitled to a explanation as to why he would treat me this way. The love bombing, the punishing, the silent treatment the list goes on and on. I still belived he didn’t mean it, a love as strong as ours, after all we are soul mates, he declared in front of everyone i was the one, his true love, his everything ?? this had to be the real deal. Feeling that if only he could manage his bi-polar better none of this would be happening. But i got the strength and stopped trying for closure and just moved on. And guess what, just when i was finding my feet again, finding myself he was back. His been back or should I say i’ve allowed him back in my life for the last 6 months and nothings changed. Im now trying to leave again and feel really bad because he is not managing his Bi-Polar very well. I feel a lot of guilt as, it may sound silly, but i feel im letting him down because of his mental illness after all everyone deserve a chance at love. But when i reflect more, its when he is at his most stable that he is at his most naracistic. When he is unstable im his everything. I cant heal him, i cant live with the unstability of his illness. Hence why i feel guilt. But in hindsight I need to forgive myself and trust that i did the best i can. It dosn’t make me a bad person to want to move on.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Awww Caro,

      This is hard when you care and you have a heart!

      Please know Module 6 of NARP is specifically created for that deep hook that we can suffer – not wanting to abandon the person hurting us.

      Maybe connect to my inner resources and see what QFH can do for you?

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse ?

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • penny.kaur@outlook.com'
    Penny Kaur
    July 17, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    This is me too totally relate I also went back a second time round after a 3 year seperation and I even went overseas and worked in London for 18 months before returning to Australia and within months he re-appeared in my life and hooked me back in for ‘more’. I even had dreams as the warning signs my higher self was trying to send me but because I had trauma not only from the previous hit and miss relationship with him but from a traumatic childhood and so much more. The dreams I had since I got back to Australia were really frightening for me more like a recurring nightmare where I saw him in a car coupled with another narcissist who claimed she was a friend driving around in darkness sending chills down my spine and they seemed paired together as if they were a couple and that threatened my connection to him. It all played out to the letter and they happened to both be sociopaths the second time round and it was total re-enactment from so many unhealed wounds. I kept wishing I had not gotten sucked in again and was in deep levels of survival because the abuse came in hard and fast the second time round it was horrific. I only realised years later just how much abuse I went through and now am in trauma therapy and this has opened many doors for me to empower myself. I have bought the NARP and want to start healing from the inside. Therapy has helped me connect the dots and find my patterns but healing the right brain has to be a deeper job than that considering I have sustained so much damage and not hit a hard wall in my life.

    Penny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Oh Penny,

      I so do believe that ‘when there is more to go’, there is just ‘more to go’.

      It’s at that point in our life where we can’t go on as normal that we finally do turn inwards to heal. It’s wonderful that you are doing that work now!

      Please know myself and so many others have healed our brains trauma, conditions and injuries with NARP to even healthier states then before abuse.

      You’ve got this and this community has got you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • vonniekirby@gmail.com'
    Bonnie
    July 17, 2018

    Hi
    Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I have a Narcissistic daughter who has just nearly killed me. My heart is broken. I have lost contact with my grandchildren. Like you say Melanie, I knew but kept putting up with the abuse to keep the contact with the grandchildren. My Narcissistic daughter then stopped us ( my husband and son) from seeing them – in her narcissistic way, saying she wasn’t stopping us from seeing them but wouldn’t let us see them. We went to court which was the wrong decision-making she made accusations against us. Finally I couldn’t take any more, I was either going to escape her or die. I escaped, we said we will are done, knowing we are leaving the grandchildren, they will return when they are older , let them decide. Her words are still ringing in my head, words so evil, words no mother should hear her daughter say, she wished me dead, she said she was going to do something that would make my son kill himself. She conned me out of thousands of pounds. She nearly destroyed us all! I’m struggling, but, with the help of Melanies videos I am slowly finding a way to get back to a life that does not evolve around being abused but a life being lived. Im also trying to help my husband and son live this same life.
    Thank you Melanie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Oh gosh Bonnie,

      I can’t even imagine Dear Lady what you have gone through.

      Absolutely your grandchildren will come to you in time. For now you are doing the only thing to do, heal, let go and be the amazing loving woman you are with healthy others.

      Sending love and blessings to you and yours.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
    Val
    July 17, 2018

    Thank you Melanie. yes what I’ve learned from you , NARP and Empowered Self is that in the end , there is nothing to forgive ourselves or others for….it was all meant to be, it was always Spirit pushing me, urging me, calling me to leave the past behind . to accept my own worthiness . And , it took a while…my resistance was huge ; as you know. I wanted THEM…my mother especially to be accountable …him to change…my mother to accept me, care for me. be who I wanted her to be! it only ever kept me imprisoned / locked into the pain. Radical forgiveness allows us to live in the present , and be here now. which is the only place love and joy and life are. Thank you dearest Melanie. Such a very powerful and moving episode and comments , sending much love and strength to everyone here 💛💛

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Thank you Val sweetheart,

      For your beautiful and valuable input as always.

      So much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Katiekleinphoto@gmail.com'
    Katie Klein
    July 17, 2018

    Hi Melanie!

    I am a certified Radical Forgiveness coach and I may have missed it, but I did not see a credit to the author of the Radical Forgiveness work, Colin Tipping or a link to his site. http://www.radicalforgiveness.com

    I completely agree with you, in that self forgiveness is much harder to achieve than forgiving someone else. The Radical Forgiveness tools and process can truely set us free. I know from personal experience and that is why I became a coach to help others experience the same miracles! It’s amazing to have so many tools and techniques to use in unison to amplify our healing and awakening process. I love that you are sharing the RF work along with your own QFH technique, because they are so powerful when used together! The books Radical Forgiveness and Radical Self Forgiveness are also available on the RF site link above. I am happy to work with anyone that would like a one-on-one session to learn more about the RF work and how to use the Radical Forgiveness tools. Email me if so and we can set up a time to talk o the phone or skype. Katiekleinphoto@gmail.com

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Hi Karen,

      I do know of Colin Tipping’s work but wasnt specifically relating to that. I also talk about Radical 100 percent Personal Responsibility which many coaches and spiritual teachers discuss.

      Please forgive me for saying I don’t believe anyone has the ownership of these concepts, theories or bigger picture Quantum Understandings … those of us on the leading edge (humbly) we are really all saying the same thing. Truth is truth.

      However, of course, thank you for sharing these resources which could be very helpful for this community.

      And keep up your passionate work Katie!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Katiekleinphoto@gmail.com'
        Katie
        August 7, 2018

        Agreed Melanie, I don’t think anyone should take ownership of metaphysical truths either. The more people that can facilitate and share the better! I was just surprised you used the term Radical Forgiveness, since that is the title of Colin’s work. As authors, I believe some creative credit should be given that lends to how the work is shared. Artists & authors each have their own unique way of sharing all that is. It feels similar to someone other than you using the terms Quanta Freedom Healing or NARP to sell their services or offerings, instead of explaining what they are teaching or sharing through their own creative terms. Lines are getting blurred in those fields and maybe that’s okay! As you said we really are all sharing the same information and whomever is supposed to connect with us will do so. Usually based on identification with us and how we present the material, so there is a unique way that each facilitator does present themselves and the material they are sharing. With that said, I really appreciate the work you are doing and how you share it! I was initially attracted to you (your vulnerability sharing your own personal experience) and your work, because it does help those that feel victimized to start to see a different perspective, that our experiences happen FOR us, to help us to heal and step into our power. So thank you!

  • Waffnerm@gmail.com'
    Marcia
    July 17, 2018

    I tried to leave in 1997. I went back with this Narc. Then, 7 years ago I had cancer and realized what I ignored, put up with and was living to try to make a miserable person happy. He got us in a financial mess that I didn’t know about. I live in the same house with him and we split house expenses. I sleep by myself. He is an alcoholic who started drinking after many years of sobriety. I am 71. I have great friends and my own business now. I have deep deep regrets. Finding you has been a life saver. I AM REBUILDING.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Awww Marcia,

      My heart goes out to you. How wonderful you are healing and rebuilding!

      Have you come into my free workshop and heard the story about Dot? I know it can inspire you so much https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending you healing and blessings

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Val
      July 18, 2018

      Hi Marcia, I’m so glad you are here with us. I admire your courage and resolve. May blessings be with you in your healing work and rebuilding. Val xx

  • jdesombre1011@gmail.com'
    JOHN DESOMBRE
    July 18, 2018

    Melanie, Thank you so much for caring enough to share your experience with others. When thinking about my narcissistic abuse, I’m overwhelmed by the beauty and hope of the love-bombing phase and the horrible aftermath upon finding it was all based on a lie–that the narcissist truly loved me as I was told everyday by him for months. I come from a humble upbringing with an absent father and a very powerful mother, who ruled by guilt. After my mom passed, I discovered she had been given electric shock treatments in 1940 at the age of 17. I knew my mother was high-strung and had mood swings and could become explosive at times, but I never associated her with a mental illness. I am now diagnosed with bipolar (but now “in remission”) and general anxiety disorder. I also have benign tremors (at times resembling Parkinson’s Disease but with medication hardly noticeable now). I did well in school and was always smart–maybe because I loved school as a child and viewed it as a respite from a sometimes happy, sometimes sad, homelife highlighted by terrible fighting between my mother, who attacked “the man who abandoned us”, and my father, who rarely said anything, but stared out in space smoking a cigarette most of the time. I would see my father on Sunday and Monday as he was a tuxedo-wearing bartender. Unfortunately, my mother who was actually kind much of the time taught my twin brother and me to hate and despise my father. We called him “dog” and “bum” and if we said anything nice about him, my mother was quick to remind us of his abandonment. After high school, I attended an Ivy-League school with scholarships and later learned Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, and German, while earning a Master’s Degree in Business, a law degree, and running a Japanese software company. I valued myself, BUT…I was a drinker and progressively over 30 years became a “low-bottom” drunk and drug addict, pretty much wanting to escape from life, but being oblivious and unconscious of what I was doing at the time–I was fine or so I believed. After almost losing my life on a number of occasions and experiencing quite a bit on many continents (drinking ayahuasca with shamans in the Peruvian Amazon to kick a drug I couldn’t get rid of in 2004 anyone?), I finally got sober in April of 2007. By this time I was on assistance and receiving benefits based on being bipolar and unable to work. Fast forward and I was coming up on my 10 year anniversary of sobriety and feeling great. A strange lame man happened into one of my “gay-oriented” sober meetings one night and being empathetic to a fault, I asked him if I could help get him some tea. From that moment on the dye was cast. There’s too much to go into but I was the willing participant victim from that point, wanting to believe his lies of love and future togetherness (he is married to a woman with children and I only was able to get rid of him for good by threats of exposure of his gay relationship with me–something anathema to me, the idea of outing someone, but ultimately necessary to end a relationship, which could have been the end of me), because after giving up on ever having a “love” relationship at the age of 50, here I was being told I was loved and the soul mate, etc. of this wonderful man at age 56. I was hooked. It took another year and a half to really escape from the insanity (and you helped, thank you), but I was left with ruminations and flashbacks, often living tormented memories and continual dreams of the narcissist, which I could not control–and for someone who was not just bad, but cruel. How did I wind up in this situation I would often ask myself? Anyway, fast forward to a few weeks ago and a profound shift of my consciousness–at first I thought I might be experiencing multiple personalities (like the narc would often exhibit) but after a few days I realized that I had experienced the death of ego and the disintegration of self BY ENTERING THE NOW!!! Everything I’ve been going through since that shift has happened organically. Yes, I’ve been involved with Mahayana Buddhism and Daoism for over 30 years, done psychotropic drugs, meditation, read books, etc., but it wasn’t until the simple shift in my consciousness and living in a conscious presence did I feel like I had finally been delivered from my past and my awakening/awareness has made all the difference. “Thinking,” ruminating about the past, worrying about the future, has for the most part left me (I still occasionally slip but try to quickly return to the present when I become conscious of my mind wandering). I am like a new man with confidence and a lack of unhealthy fears (some fears of course are beneficial to keep us alert) and I finally have forgiven the narcissist, who I realize is a very hurt and unconscious individual, and as the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” I guess your words today struck a chord because it is the process of awakening and living in the now that I know helped me and I believe will help others. Having had the shift of consciousness and collapsing the horizontal past, present, future, into the eternal, vertical NOW, I’ve watched videos and am reading books by Eckhart Tolle and he pretty much describes what I have gone through. I do not have a forum, but you do, so I urge you to explore the importance of living in the present moment and spreading the word, if you find it worthwhile, which I believe, you already do. You have been an important part of my recovery (once I was signed up to do your webinar course and it was that day that I reconnected to the narcissist or he reconnected with me–there were so many horrible back and forths, I’ve lost count at this point) and your words from the heart matter and I truly must thank you once again. Finally, part of the gratitude I have from my experience with the narcissist (yes, I’m grateful now for all my lifetime experiences both good and bad) is it made me go back to my childhood and look at my family dynamic and especially my relationship to my mother, who I always put on a pedestal, and see that my childhood was a major reason for my codependency and extreme empathetic nature, of why I often didn’t value myself, etc. The narcissist was the person who put me on the most important path of self analysis and discovery and who unbelievably was the catalyst to my process of self-actualization. For this reason, I realize that the narcissist may have won his game in which only he knew the rules, but I have emerged a whole and humble man, filled with gratitude and trust in my future. I am free. Best regards, John DeSombre, Esq.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Hi John,

      Thank you for your such honest share and incredible story.

      You really should write a book! I know many people would benefit.

      I totally agree about living in the now it is the only place freedom and True Self and Life is.

      My way of getting there, that I needed to do, was release and replace all the traumas that did not allow me to be – then ‘living in the now’ simply became automatic … because that’s what our True Self is without trauma. Living from heart centre and presence, rather than regurgitated trauma of the past and projected fears into the future.

      That’s what NARP does, delivers us into this state.

      Thank you for your amazing post and I am so happy for your liberation!!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Val
      July 18, 2018

      Hi John, I agree with Mel, you should write for publication. I was riveted reading your post and you write SO well. Beautiful to hear you’ve come to live in the present moment. Eckhardt’s books are always at hand for me too and I just keep reading them / opening a page at random and have doing this for a few years now. I also love the 10 videos he created on the chapters in A New Earth. He also writes about body scanning to locate our feelings and bring ourself into awareness, just as Mel takes us through in the NARP modules. and dealing with the pain body and shifting the pain and trauma out.Good to have you here with us John. May blessings be with you. xx

  • kboolly@gmail.com'
    Kelly
    July 18, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    With regards to how the relationship with the narcissist was meant to be in my life I cannot accept it as simply a fate that could not have been avoided had I been a bit smarter, more practical, stronger, etc. It was a choice that I made for reasons now I see that were fallous and wrong. I also know what were those traits and childhood predispositions that made me make those wrong choices. And I know I will never make the same mistakes again. However, from the viewpoint of the narcissist, I was thinking, could it be that we were put in THEIR life as a chance at a love filled, complete life to have? A chance which they obviously did not take, moreover abused. So I think I am a whole and valuable person because I was and am capable of true love and committment while they proved to be and forever remain hollow shells.

  • atate3919@gmail.com'
    Angela Diane Tate
    July 18, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Yes….I made the mistake after 6 months of no contact to visit the narc (former fiance) in Vegas where he now resides. I am a trainer and was in San Diego for the week and somehow he contacts me leaving a voicemail message. I panicked because before now there had been absolutely no contact and I had blocked him. Only to learn, I forgotten about a 2nd FB page and that is how he found me.

    Well, I thought I will not fear him and enough time had passed why not see how he was doing? Wrong decision. The visit actual in many ways was good from the aspect I could see how much I had healed and changed. Immediately, after being away from him behaviors that were not okay appeared and I marvel at myself for having put up with them. He could see I had changed too by how I responded to his inquiries, etc. He was still manipulative and tried his best to keep me from leaving “love booms”.

    The down fall was he assumed my visit meant I was coming back and he called his family to annouce we were planning our wedding. When, I shared with him “No” not now (as I am completing final year of graduate school). He wanted to move back to Phoenix and stay with me while completing school. I said no and went back to no contact. Then, he reached out again and appealed to coming down over the 4th of July. Melanie, I was able to hold my ground in communication and told him I had changed and valued myself and have new boundaries. I told him all I wanted was a platonic relationship and was living a life to honor the God within me. He went berserk and released so anger, blaming me saying I was selfish, throwinyg a fit really persecuted me for speaking up.

    The weird thing is I felt worse than I did prior to the 6 month no contact period. My response back to him was absolutely no future no relationship no marriage. I felt this was really harsh as this is not my natural persona. It has been a couple of weeks and I am barely getting back to myself as this incident just dragged up all the old feelings again. So, it was like I was healing than I picked at the wound again! He flipped the script saying I am not to contact him and it is finally over!

    Well, I have stated this but found myself going back. No more!!! It is to painful to heal afterwards and the cycle is still present. What was different I was prepared this time and understood what I was dealing with as before I had never seen anything like this before. Thank goodness for your training and quantum healing techniques. I have yet to purchase but just got a new job and hope to save to continue my healing journey! Now…I wish I had never taken the bait to visit him in Vegas. I would have been so much further ahead in my healing and resolve that life has something so much better for me and I deserve unconditional love and kindness too!l

    Bless you greatly!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Hi Angela,

      Please know these sideways steps are always ‘meant to be’.

      They show us there is a hook, a wound within that we can find and release ourselves from, to go to the next level of freedom and power.

      Starting NARP will help you unravel, heal and find that!

      You’ve got this Angela!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • atate3919@gmail.com'
        Angela Diane Tate
        July 28, 2018

        Thank you so much Melanie! I cannot wait to begin the process….I feel hope and the best is coming. The sad thing is there are a couple of other friends who went through their own trauma’s and every opportunity I can share starts with finding the hook as you said it is inside out that must change before we can experience freedom! Thank you thank you for your calling….!!! Saving lives for sure :)!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 28, 2018

          Hi Angela,

          I am thrilled for you that you are eager and feel this hope!

          Sending breakthrough and blessings to you!

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • crodesiler@me.com'
    Chrissy
    July 18, 2018

    Hi Melanie like so many of us addicted to the narcs ways, I too took my (then husband) back 3 times after he admitted to an affair (this woman moved 1 mile from me and had 4 divorces without custody of 5 kids in two different states!!). Needless to say, my excuse at that time was to try to keep our family of 4 together. I thought that having him present would be the best for our two young boys…yes I was wrong. The final decision came when for the 4th time he again went back to her and came to my house and more or less attacked me trying to get my phone. Well unfortunately for him, I was able to get the whole incident on video and called the police. At that time he was a police sergeant and after the incident was found out, he was demoted back to street officer. I knew at that time it was my only chance to file for divorce and move 900 miles away to be with my family.

    Fast forward…its now been a year since I was divorced and moved away with my two young children. I can honestly say the damage and destruction the three of us endured was something I NEVER deemed possible. I can happily say that we have made great strides and my oldest is now slowly starting to understand his father. A few months ago you had a video where I was able to release the trauma of the affair and found peace. It seems my last bit of trauma seems to haunt me is letting go of the “happily ever after” we were supposed to have. In this video you stated that we may be “so angry that the narcissist is skipping off into the sunset with all our goodies and their new love while we are devastated emotionally”. This is EXACTLY how I feel at this moment as he is currently on vacation with his new gf of 2.5 months and her children at a place WE were supposed to go to last year. I have maintained “no contact” as he is on vacation and Im trying desperately to heal this wound that I have so much trouble with. In addition what infuriates me is the fact that he cant call his children while on vacation and only texts how much he misses them. At the same time I also understand that the less they speak to him the better off they are. So ensues my battle of trying to protect my children from his life and at the same time trying to heal within.

    I went through your 16 day course last year, I feel as though I may need to do it again. Can you sign up for it again with the same email? I so desperately want to get this final stage of hurt and pain out of my system so I can move on and not be affected or traumatized over and over of his narc ways. Thank you for all you do, you have touched many including me!! XOXO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Hi Chrissy,

      That is so understandable how you feel Dear Lady, and you have done such an amazing job for you and your children to get to this point. Well done!

      Chrissy, my strongest suggestions for you is take your healing journey to the deeper consistent inner QFH healing tools (NARP).

      Please email support@melanietoniaevans.com to make sure you can enter the webinar again.

      It’s your time to heal Chrissy!

      So much love to you and yours.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • msm4269@gmail.com'
    YogaBuddy
    July 18, 2018

    I am a re-marrier. I was devastated after the initial trauma of our break up. After more than 24 years of marriage and three children. I would’ve done anything to put our family back together. She knew that and used every Hoovering tactic in the book. So we remarried after only a few months apart. It fell apart after only 12 weeks, but all the money was gone as well as the house. She drug out divorce proceedings and reneged on signed agreements over and over for months. All in an effort to make me waste as much money as possible on attorneys and legal fees. I believe it was punishment for exposing her adulterous ways.

    She changed her name, social media status and replaced my picture with that of a dog. She moved in with her boyfriend while we were still married after he bought a nice new house. He is better supply than I am or ever will be again.

    During this time, a FB friend shared MTE with me. I am forever grateful as it has changed my outlook. I am learning to shift and my attitude now is ever-closer to gratitude for my experience.

    I am unwinding after decades of trying to manage the craziness. Trying to hide stuff from our kids. Dimming my own light to make her feel better. I am done with all that.

    NARP has helped me purge that stuff and realize that without the trauma, I would not be in a position to catapult myself (with divine creative Source) to heretofore unheard of heights. I am so grateful.

    GRATEFUL FOR IT ALL!

    Although the second divorce has only been over for a few weeks, I am MILES ahead from the first time around. No Hoover tactic could touch me. The judgement in court was a lot more favorable than the first time around and my kids and I see each other/talk almost daily.

    She has basically disappeared from the radar.

    I am getting my life together. Making amazing plans. Meeting new friends. And best of all: reacquainting with old friends. I feel loved and appreciated.

    I do accassionally miss the daily interaction with a significant other. But not the biting, nagging suspicion that came with mine. The unexplainable lateness. Secret texting, self-medicating/drinking. Gaslighting, etc.

    I am loving my new life and it has only just begun. Thank you Melanie!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Awww gosh Yoga Buddy,

      It is so beautiful to hear from you and your wonderful progress after being the remarrier!!

      Thank you for inspiring others who also fell back in, and I am so thrilled NARP helped release your trauma and catapult you into your True life.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • janecunningham@slingshot.co.nz'
    jane
    July 18, 2018

    Hi Melanie. yes I did return. I left him after 7 years and I could only admit that I was scared of his anger and tired of walking on eggshells – I didn’t know about covert narcissism then and no on supported my leaving) I spent a couple of great years on my own and returned to him because “I was strong enough now to do that” I am now 53 and my life is devastated. our two daughters and I are facing a bleak financial future and they are both suffering – one has extreme anxiety and depression and one has lost so much confidence. I am rebuilding and have just started your programme, got a new place to live, starting my own work, rebuilding neglected friendships and building a life. I am so glad you talk about self forgiveness because I am so devastated to really see what I let happen, how I gave him my dignity and how I believed more in him than I did in myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Hi Jane,

      Sweetheart my heart goes out to you.

      What is wonderful is that you are now out and healing, and absolutely you are leading the way and breaking the cycle for you daughters and their future generations.

      All of this was meant to be, and as you heal Dear Lady so will they.

      Please know you have the support of the NARP Community https://www.melsnietoniaevans.com/member if you need us.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • rachelacree@gmail.com'
    Raquel
    July 18, 2018

    This video was, as usual, SO helpful! Thank you -AGAIN- Ms. Mel for such sound wisdom and advice. I am writing this comment because I think I am struggling with this part of recovery the most. In addition to the extreme loneliness and depression I am fighting since being devalued and discarded after intense physical attraction and rush of emotions, I am mostly angry at myself for being so foolish as to hand over my power to a person who wished nothing but harm towards me. Maybe he doesn’t know any better. Maybe he has always been this way. But I still know better and that is what makes me so mad at myself. Still, as you say, all I can hope is that things happen for a reason and I pray that some good will come of my experience(s). Thanks for the ongoing encouragement…I aspire to break completely free of all obsession and addiction to these men and truly thrive in being the person that God made me to be! Love and hugs!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Hi Raquel,

      I am so pleased this was timely and helpful for you.

      Please know sweetheart when we do the inner work and find, release and heal from old original wounds, then the obsession and pain ends and we do go free.

      Let me show you how, truly, through my inner healing resources: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sueallisan@aol.com'
    Sue
    July 18, 2018

    I knew my Narc for twenty years, but only lived with him four years. I was a married women who fell for his bs big time and left my husband and my grown up children. Although he asked me to marry him and divorce my husband and sell my house i never did, instead i rented my house out and moved into his. We did jobs to both houses his and mine. He then went into business and gave me a share, from that moment everything changed. I started seeing the real person, thankfully i gave the share back and took my name from his business, i think my gut even then was smelling a rat! Not long after i left only to be pulled back with apologies presents and promises. Hence to say it was fine for a month or so then wham i took a beating which resulted in my leg being broken in two places and my hip smashed, apparently the equilvalent of a 90mph car crash according to the Doctor a the hospital. (Who realised what had happened and wanted to ring the police, but i was scared and truamatised so refused. Obviously i was on crutches so had to go back to his and that was when sitting so many hours i realised what was going on:- depression, confusion i knew i was becoming ill ! This was when i started to plan my escape and did comply to a degree with his wishes, then he gave me the way out , he was going away for a week to Scotland on business and i was suppose to have his dog, I left on the Friday and had not heard a word till the Monday when i was supposedly having the dog. I just said NO not having her, i finally used the word NO and it felt great, that was five months ago now, i have received messages but just deleted them and did no contact across the board and i have started to heal myself. I do have dark days but thats anger at myself, I cannot be angry with him because he dose not exist, my whole life was make believe like a soap drama which sometimes i can laugh at, sadly not all the time! I just think to myself he is the mentally ill one (not me as people were told I had Bi-polar)and many other things which now i laugh at .I still have not mentioned the beating, but i now know my cover up story didnt work as people are asking me about it. I have said if pressed i will not lie anymore. I am not thinking that this is over because people have told me its never over, but day by day i just say to myself you are ok , you are doing great today and its slowly working!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Oh Sue

      Thank goodness you are out and now healing.

      This was only the start of how bad it would have become. You have saved yourself and a lot by awakening.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Tuesday
    July 18, 2018

    Dear Melanie

    Thank you again. Reading through people’s stories and thinking about my own (there’s no point in me adding my details to the litany of horror) really brings home to me the aspect of the “soul crying out” about how wrong it all was, while at the same time I had no idea how to “stop this train – I want to get off”! I’m taken right back to listening to the deafening sound of my soul SCREAMING at me almost constantly. I managed to leave, now I can breathe again. This Thriver episode made me realise I haven’t got nearly as far with accepting and forgiving myself as I’d like to think. Oh dear.

    Good luck everyone!
    Love to all

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Awww Tuesday,

      So much love and blessings to you!

      You will break through.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • danewert@msn.com'
    Danny Ewert
    July 18, 2018

    I’m in healthcare and have devoted most of my life to helping others. I can not stand to see another human being suffer and I will go to great lengths to ease their pain. My favorite times are going to foreign countries on medical mission trips to help as many people as I can. I say all of this not to brag, but to let you know how painful it is to realize the woman I’ve loved since we were fifteen is a total narc and can never be healed. I can’t live under those conditions any longer, yet I feel like I’m abandoning ship… leaving a sick person for my own good. This goes against everything I’ve ever believed in, yet I now know, I have no choice. It would be hard to turn my back on a stranger in need, but to have to turn my back on a loved one is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Her disorder has only gotten worse through the years and I know will continue to do so. To know there is nothing I can do for the woman I still love breaks my heart. Have you dealt with other health care professionals with the same dilemma? Thanks for all you do

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2018

      Hi Danny,

      My heart goes out to you … and I totally believe you when you say this is the hardest thing.

      Yes, there have been many people in this community who are in the healthcare industry who struggled to let go.

      After finding the inner healing subsconscious hooks, they were, however, able to. I’d love you to come into my free webinar so that I can show you how to do this https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • shamaness1@outlook.com'
    Wanda
    July 18, 2018

    I am a visual artist so quite introverted. My story is about a psychic man of a group on facebook. Called me his soulmate. Said he wanted to marry me loved me so much….i am canadian and he said come to ohio and we will take care of each other build a life. I got there and he just started being nasty correcting me raising his voice…I had one foot out the door entire time but no money to go. Got locked out of trailer which had 3 inches of dog poop, fleas, 14 cats in the one barely habitable room. He tried to get his best female friend to beat me up. Threatened to leave me in a black cincinnati neighborhood. Left me on a road in 100 degree heat and finally my daughter got money and got me home after 2 days no food in cincinnati airport. Now his minions are kissing him and soothing him because supposedly i broke his heart. He calls me crazy. Left a message in his group that eveything went downhill witb me when i went off my meds…..thyroid medicine he could not afford to buy and which i did not want to ring up a 500 doc bill for. Hmmmm

  • miasreflections@gmail.com'
    Mia Magdaline
    July 19, 2018

    I am now 67 and after not dating for 8 yrs, still afraid to get close to a man, a narcissist swept me off my feet and shattered me into a million pieces. I knew and didn’t trust myself, I wanted to be open hearted, not judgmental, see only the best, forgiving. I am a multi-abuse survivor and have done a great deal of inner-work. I am still attractive at my age and he a commander in the Air Force volunteers, so wanting a healthy relationship and tired of being alone, he was the perfect man that I earned after doing all the right work, and I betrayed my soul. I was financially fragile, which he knew and he devastated me. The stories you know all too well, I am an introvert and empath, each day I am terrified to leave and terrified to stay. He is deviant in many pathological ways, intelligent, handsome. I still miss him and hate him and myself. I miss what I wanted him to be and I miss what he pretended to be. I don’t want to be alone, he woke me up, tamed me and then shattered me. I feel hopeless.

    Thank you for being there.
    Mia💗

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2018

      Awww Mia,

      Dear Lady my heart goes out to you and I so want you to know that there is a way out of this pain and into your True Life.

      There are members in this wonderful community, as a result of the proven step by step Thriver Recovery inner work, have reclaimed their lives even in their eighties.

      With all my heart I invite you to connect to my inner transformational resources to discover how.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I so hope this can help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • miasreflections@gmail.com'
        Mia Magdaline
        July 22, 2018

        I am having difficulties signing up for your free course Mel, it says I’m already signed up.
        Can you please assist ?

        Thank you 🙏❤️

        Mia

  • shauna_vanhorne@bellsouth.net'
    Shauna
    July 19, 2018

    Melanie,

    In 2015 I first began to understand that I was in a highly abusive relationship with a Spiritual Narcissist. It was through the insights and encouragement from your blog that I finally had the courage and strength to end the relationship 3 weeks ago. I have joined NARP and am working through the healing process. I would be lost and most likely wounded forever if I had not found you. It was, of course, inevitable that our paths would cross, as the grand plan is far more intricate and perfect than we can understand. I thank God for you and am in constant awe of how you deliver the exact message I need to hear at the exact moment so many times. For the past couple of days I have been just so torn over how I allowed this to go on for so long when I knew deep down that it was so wrong!! I saw the red flags only a couple of weeks into it, but somehow I got hooked and dangerously addicted in spite of that. I just cannot understand how I would let someone abuse me for so very long. Once you step outside of the abuse and see it for what it is- you are stuck with just wondering how in the world you stood for it. And then there is the fact that so many others suffered, most importantly my children. This blog appeared yesterday at the time I needed to read it the most. Without your profound insight and words that ring so true in my soul I would be lost. Thank you and much love!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2018

      Hi Shauna,

      I am so happy you found your way here and to this amazing community and NARP and that we are so in synch!

      I wish all the breakthrough and joy that is you soul’s right to experience Shauna.

      So much love to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nadinaschulte@gmail.com'
    Nadina
    July 19, 2018

    Melanie,
    Thank you for this article on radical forgiveness! I am on my fourth, yes fourth, narcissistic husband! The guilt, shame, and embarrassment have plagued me. Within a few months of dating him in 2004, I felt things were not right, but I kept going…rationalizing, justifying, minimizing, etc. After five years of on and off (always me returning), we married. I felt worn out and tired, and at age 49 just didn’t want to start over with a new person. I felt he was as good as I was going to get. Fast forward nine years and I FINALLY got a clue about his behavior (NPD). It’s been tricky because he’s very covert and mostly withholding of emotional and physical intimacy (with some outbursts). I do have a Plan. Next year, after ten years of marriage (for social security benefit purposes), I will divorce and move out. I am currently working towards financial solvency. I found your program and am on Mod 1. I’m 58 and I have a lot of Life to live. I continually work on this self-forgiveness. It’s a toughie for me. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2018

      Hi Nadine,

      It’s wonderful that you know you have so much life to live and are determined to heal yourself to that place.

      Sending blessings and strength your way.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • micada@videotron.ca'
    maria
    July 19, 2018

    Dear Melanie,
    I will try to be short in writing to much beside expressing thank you !
    I am afraid if I would start to write about my story beside ,what I feel how much you helped me ,with sharing your
    story with such humility and wisdom ….. that my “thanks ‘ to you would get lost among words ! one day maybe I will write more …
    I know if I would not find you I would never feel such freedom as I do now …. and I believe as I was I would be dead by now …
    THANK YOU !! you are so far …..:-) but same time so close !
    hard to believe when I listen to you that is any distance between us ….
    Australia and Canada:-) wow 🙂 I believe only Gods love can do such miraculous moment of connection..between people …
    Wish you more and more strength for you getting from that energy what you are giving out …. who needs you as I do …..after all after experiencing some of your suggestion what I tried to use … I learned that giving is receiving too 🙂 ..and it can feel equal as getting … it is great to experiencing such exchange .. Thank you for sharing Melanie your time and wisdom ….
    Being such good example.for me … that I can believe that miracles do happen ….
    Yes ….I have to say …without magnifying it ….I was on death bed .. I never thought that emotional pain can hurt so much ….today I only know I wanted to live so much that my daughter will not see me to die front of her ..or leave my children without explanation with blaming me …with their hurt …..that pain I think was only one spark in me when I felt that little tiny energy to start going and not even knowing where and for what …. today I am glad I can look back and can see what it was ….with your help of course !!! ….
    and to see difference …..what was and is today …that the pain in stomach what I used to get from fear of unknown when I had to face “some people ” and played game how much they care but they wished me dead …in my family ..
    does not need to be present anymore … .. ..it was .””horrific “” pain in my stomach …today I know it was fear … I did not even know that was fear ……impossible to describe that pain … invisible ..same way as covert narcissi can be …. 🙁 …. I started to believe I am crazy ..but same time did not feel I am ..and wanted to hold on to my believe …what paradox …
    today with your help listening to you on U Tube of many your movies … I know I am not crazy and trust to myself more and more …and know more and more …with whom i was dealing ..and starting to be aware more and more to see difference among people …
    your sharing …and giving us tools and also teaching us how to use them is life saving ..
    I am getting hope back what was always crushed in me not understanding situation …..when I was betrayed ..
    not easy to turn so many years around and get new motivation in my age…. after not knowing for 30 years why I felt so bad .. and not experience that healthy transitions in life what comes naturally as life goes and children are leaving home …from parent who loves them but not opportunity to show it because it was often sabotaged …the way that it looked opposite … constantly feeling two steps behind …….so as I said it is not easy ….but it is priceless when such hope for freedom.. and be able to see reality positively .
    …. I do not have words to describe the freedom from such knowledge …what I am getting listening to you …and to be able to see it as it is …even with my eyes today !!! To be able to say NO :-)when is needed …and still feel loving …..:-) and not feel guilty .saying NO …:-) ……. oh my…. I wrote I will be short .. so here is the end to my story for now …

    THANK YOU MELANIE !!!for saving my life ..
    love Maria

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2018

      Awwww Maria,

      Thank you for your beautiful note and I am so pleased my information has been able to help.

      You deserve the very best in life and love Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Jbecklerapc@gmail.com'
    Joy Beckler
    July 19, 2018

    Yes that was me. 18 years to start. I left. 5 years apart and then three years back together- family intact with a new little one I got to take care of on Saturday’s. A week before hurricane Harvey he tricked me into the house we got for my daughter at UH that was in a land far far away from what I was used to but went because he said so. A group text to the girls and I and three sentences later, I was on my own work $500 and no income. Not going into details. Although I played the integrity game to the best of my abilitu I chose to stay in this house and the consequences I am – half of me- dying from-the other half kept alive by waybof this knowledge and healing and the serendipity that comes with it. My girls…. the pain… the unecessary arrows aimed at my heart. I thought I was done. I saw how I attracted this kind over and over until no tolerance and I was ok in my own and then he came back. I was safe- forever. This should not- could not have ever been and I am made to be one in question by all that love me and surround me. Thank God, I had this all along, had lifelines and a truth file for my own sanity. Healing is under way. I’m painting now. Melanie if you look at my set, you’ll see volumes. My babies. Thank you Melanie. I will continue to work hard.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2018

      Hi Joy,

      That is wonderful healing is underway and how beautiful you are healing with art as well.

      Wishing you so many continued breakthroughs Joy.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • riley413@gmail.com'
    Angela
    July 19, 2018

    It’s been 20 years for me. I own the house and we aren’t actually married. I wanted to be married. I came from an abusive household with a drug addict mother, who in fact over-dosed and died in 2009. The state put me in foster care and that was a truly awful experience. I have never felt wanted and very much wanted to be married. He never asked and has never given a reason why other than to say, “You don’t want to marry me.”

    Then why are we together? To hold me captive (yes, I know I need to get past the victim mentality) for 20 years without a proposal is selfish and cruel. He could not comprehend how that could be cruel. I have a deep primal need to feel secure with a family. I believe he has always dangled that like a carrot, but leading me to believe it was my fault because I went through a period where I was drinking very heavily. He used that to re-enforce my insecurities and prove that I am simply unworthy.

    Heck, he even tried to have me committed a few years back, I woke up and the police were at my door with an ambulance. They handcuffed me to a gurney and brought me to the emergency room for a psych eval. That didn’t stick but it embarrassed the hell out of me. His latest thing is he thinks I am bipolar because I have an enhanced sense of smell and I made the mistake of trying to get him to behave as a partner and contribute to our household. I went to the movies with him (which I really don’t like doing) and sent three weekends in a row doing things he wanted to do hoping he would see that I am willing to try. By the 4th week of him ignoring what needs to be done around the house and having no given me a cent towards bills in 3 months, I lost it and exploded. He says I must be bipolar because nobodies moods change that fast. I need help with the bills and he’s off buying himself toys.

    I told him I can’t live like this anymore and he needs to leave and he simply won’t. He uses all sorts of scare tactic, specifically how he’ll “get” our 16 year old daughter (which he first said to me when I was 7 months pregnant… “You know if anything happens it will be me that gets the kid. I’ll make sure of it.”) because I am the one with the substace abuse in my past and the erratic behavior. I’m not so much worried that that would happen but I am concerned about the damage he will inflict upon her. I was going to try to stick it out until she turned 18, but my life has become a living hell. He won’t even get out of my bed and move into the guest room! He just acts like I never said anything.

    I thought I was protecting myself by buying the house on my own, having all the bills in my name, not sharing a bank account, etc., but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Since this is his legal residence I can’t just kick him out and change the locks. I have to go through a formal eviction process with him still living here. That will take months and I just know if I serve him papers he is going to rain hellfire down upon me. His goal will be total annihilation and he won’t care who else gets caught in the crossfire.

    I know the answers begin with me, but I just don’t know if I am going to have the strength to see the process through and watch him tear apart our daughter. I can’t just leave MY house. I won’t have the money to get a new place and pay the mortgage. Plus it’s MY HOUSE!

    I can’t sell it because he was supposed to remodel it, while I paid the bills. I bought the place in 2004 and not a single room is finished. He does bt and pieces and then moves on. There are rooms that have no heat because he decided he was going to disconnect the oil heating from the vents and he covered most of the vent with flooring. We have one pellet stove but it only heats half the house. Because of everything that is unfished and ripped apart the house is worth far less than when I bought it. Again, I think this is another tactic to keep me trapped.

    I filed bankruptcy in 2010 because he was supposed to be paying our property taxes each year. It was his one responsibility until he basically stole the car I bought in 2008 from me, to which I finally said fine take it but make sure you make the payments. He didn’t pay the taxes for 3 years or the car payments for 9 months. In the course of one week, I had a lien put on the house and the car repossessed. I was a fool to trust him. I wasn’t working at the time either. It was a punch in the gut, yet I somehow accepted his rationalizations and ended up blaming myself!

    I just can’t walk away from the house now. I’m just now crawling out from all the financial damage (side note, he was bragging the other day how he is a credit ghost and proof that you don’t need credit to live in 2018).

    I’ve known. I’ve known since the beginning. I originally stayed because I didn’t have a license and was essentially using him for rides to work. I always felt ashamed of myself for that and back in 1998 he was have walked to the ends of the Earth for me. He used to sleep over at my apartment when we first started hanging out. I wasn’t attracted to him and we never had sex, but he slept in my bed with me. After a while, I told him I wanted my bed back thinking he would understand that that meant it was time for him to go home at nights. Instead, I came home from work that day and he had brought his double-sized mattress and placed it in my room next to my double sized mattress! Who does that? There was no room to walk in my bedroom. He didn’t see the problem with this.

    He would go away! Then I started to think that since I had such a screwed up concept of what a healthy relationship was supposed to be, maybe I should give it a try. But after the first year, I told him I wanted him gone. I told him nicely, I told him firmly, I yelled at him and as is the pattern I screamed and yelled and threw things. He would never leave. Once I got pregnant with our daughter I was willing to sacrifice what I wanted to give her a 2 parent household, even though he hadn’t worked a real job in the 4 years I had known him. 2 days before our daughter was born I saw an email from some person called Stephers and how she would give the best b___ j____ and what Angela doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Aparently they had been at a strip club with several other people 2 days prior. I replied to her, and she wrote to him… “She needs to go upstairs and F___ herself with a dildo.” Yet, I let that slide too. I could go on and on.

    Yup, I yelled and screamed and called names… that’s on me. I’m not perfect, but I am not cruel.

    God, I am starting to cry remembering all of this. How did I let this happen? I am no shrinking violet. I survived foster care and put myself through college. I have always had a good paying job, even though I have a rare genetic blood disorder that causes agonizing and debilitating swelling in my internal organs and elsewhere. I am passionate about righting wrongs in the world and have a strong belief in justice and doing the right thing. I used to be fun and personable and knew I had the talent to be successful in whatever I set out to do. I was insecure sure, and partying a bit too hard, but I was 25. I would have grown and evolved. I feel so pathetic.

    But t shall survive this too. It’s going to be brutal but I know that if I do this right it will be the best thing I have ever done apart from having my daughter.

    Thank you for your site and all you’re doing to help people overcome this evil Melanie.

    • Jbecklerapc@gmail.com'
      Joy Beckler
      July 20, 2018

      Yes that was me. 18 years to start. I left. 5 years apart and then three years back together- family intact with a new little one I got to take care of on Saturday’s. A week before hurricane Harvey he tricked me into the house we got for my daughter at UH that was in a land far far away from what I was used to but went because he said so. A group text to the girls and I and three sentences later, I was on my own work $500 and no income. Not going into details. Although I played the integrity game to the best of my abilitu I chose to stay in this house and the consequences I am – half of me- dying from-the other half kept alive by waybof this knowledge and healing and the serendipity that comes with it. My girls…. the pain… the unecessary arrows aimed at my heart. I thought I was done. I saw how I attracted this kind over and over until no tolerance and I was ok in my own and then he came back. I was safe- forever. This should not- could not have ever been and I am made to be one in question by all that love me and surround me. Thank God, I had this all along, had lifelines and a truth file for my own sanity. Healing is under way. I’m painting now. Melanie if you look at my set, you’ll see volumes. My babies. Thank you Melanie. I will continue to work hard.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2018

      Awww Angela,

      You have been through so much. It is so so true Dear Lady that we knew and we continued …

      I just know that you are going to make it and myself and this amazing community are there with you all the way.

      So much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • revpet14@gmail.com'
    Lynne Petrosino
    July 20, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Its been 7yrs of sadness and hurt. Back and forth hoping, having faith, trusting something would change. Making suggestions for change for us as a couple and just constantly hitting walls. The lies from her the emotional cheating and probably others that I am not aware of. Paying bills, being supportive etc. You know this and everything you speak of. I am in recovery. What helped me is this last time around with her. There has been no intimacy between us, she needed space and time and as always some excuse. This time she is blaming me for the distance between us etc. Its so many examples over and over. I have finally blocked her on email and phone. I have canceled all accounts I was paying for her and asked her to leave me alone. I feel bad alot that maybe there was more I could do etc but nothing changes with her. I can say these things but it doesn’t matter. I am leaving here with weight gain, feeling unattractive, not worthy of love, as if I am not a good partner, and the list goes on but mostly upset with myself for knowing and not having the strength. My boundaries this time have been very good and I could tell before going no contact how she knew she was losing control. She tried hoovering me with all the same ways and at times I felt sucked in but not enough to go all in. I know this last attempt from her to suck me in was her last because its always about her leaving me and telling me what I am doing to hurt her. It really upsets me alot because its not that way as we know. Now keeping her blocked is the challenge. Wanting to check on her is the challenge. Thinking she is with someone else and me feeling always like an option is hard for me. Again I know its not me but still it hurts. I work with an advisor and do alot of reading. I moved, I have all my finances in tact and my life is wonderful. I would love to love myself better and be able to be open to love again. I am left broken after this again. What I don’t want is to keep ripping the bandaid off and having to heal myself again. I feel stronger then I have in a long time. I am very sad. I also have faith to know this will pass. I see you and others who have recovered and thriving again. The addicted part of this has been hard and feeling that this attention was better then none. I appreciate all your videos etc. They are so helpful and encouraging. I am moving forward and will really try hard to not engage or take the bait. Its hard to know you weren’t loved and all you were was a supply. Its hard to watch her treat strangers better then me. Its hard to not have someone who you felt loved you acknowledge your feelings and also offer what you asked for to someone else. Even if she moves on again with someone else I know now she isn’t happier because she still has herself to live with. She always showed me a part of her that I loved so deeply and wanted from her but she could never sustain it or be consistent. I am not missing or losing anything. Not even a friend since she never wanted to do anything with me. There was always an excuse. I know its her. She says it too making me think she understands but she doesn’t. That was the part that sucked me alot. Thinking she was working on herself and then things never changed when it came to me or us. I couldn’t understand it. I always supported her emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. I would be all in then catch her in lies. I helped her get her life back together and now she owns a condo and I am renting again. Its sad to me. She has been mean to and kind all in the same breath. I feel like I have wasted alot of my time. Other people came into my life and I could never learn to date them because I was so caught up or protecting myself. I don’t want that anymore. Thank you for posting this because this is my work now. Me and learning to be loved and love in a healthy way. I am raising my vibration to only attracted what I want. I have to become what I want in my life as far as love. I also recognized she was my mother. I was dating my mother. I can take responsibility for my actions and reactions but I have been told they were normal for someone going through this. I am trying to stop beating myself up for knowing and lying to myself. I feel freer and I am not willing to sit and be sad before engaging. The reason this came to a head is because of my work on me and her realizing she wasn’t getting her supply here anymore. It was sad to notice this, that she never loved me, I truly was just being used. Why are these people so mean and so self absorbed? I will never be this way. I often questioned myself and my therapist said if you have to ask me if you have any other disorders then you don’t. She still keeps trying to contact me but I won’t pick up.

    • Jbecklerapc@gmail.com'
      Joy Beckler
      July 20, 2018

      Shout out to Angela, I just read your post below mine. I’ve been resistant to post or read others comments. The common denominator s shook me to the core. I just wanted you to know I hear you, see you, feel your fear. It makes me more determined to do more self healing. It’s imperetive. Please stray strong. Everyone in this… I wrote knownsense last night but I at least wrote something. I’m removed but keep finding land mines of sorts still- financially and through words of others smearing my name and integrity. I could be nun and he would find something I wasn’t doing right. My girls have an image in their heads so inaccurate and that has spread through to family and friends. My heart hurts sometimes and I paint to get it out. The bndaid though is temporary. I’ve seen and experienced so much impossible betterment with all this quantum healing. I implore you to believe. Every time I work on healing m, magic kind of happens. The burdens and weights heavy in the soul released, Iike hooks being cut, one by one. For me there’s only one last thing left he can use against me and that’s my daughter too and he is. So yeah, no victim here, worked through surviving and now in the throes of thriving——even given my circumstances. Sending lots of love your way and to anyone and everyone needing to be seen and heard in this forum.

      Yes that was me. 18 years to start. I left. 5 years apart and then three years back together- family intact with a new little one I got to take care of on Saturday’s. A week before hurricane Harvey he tricked me into the house we got for my daughter at UH that was in a land far far away from what I was used to but went because he said so. A group text to the girls and I and three sentences later, I was on my own work $500 and no income. Not going into details. Although I played the integrity game to the best of my abilitu I chose to stay in this house and the consequences I am – half of me- dying from-the other half kept alive by waybof this knowledge and healing and the serendipity that comes with it. My girls…. the pain… the unecessary arrows aimed at my heart. I thought I was done. I saw how I attracted this kind over and over until no tolerance and I was ok in my own and then he came back. I was safe- forever. This should not- could not have ever been and I am made to be one in question by all that love me and surround me. Thank God, I had this all along, had lifelines and a truth file for my own sanity. Healing is under way. I’m painting now. Melanie if you look at my set, you’ll see volumes. My babies. Thank you Melanie. I will continue to work hard.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2018

      Hi Lynne,

      Thank goodness you have said ‘enough’ and you are off the rollercoaster.

      Please know Dear Lady that the deep inner work is how myself and so many others powerfully turned our healing around.

      It is such an effective way to detox, break the addiction and free ourselves completely.

      I’d love to show you this deeper and highly effective recovery work https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I so hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nesilaw@outlook.com'
    "Aneas"
    July 21, 2018

    Hi Melanie, Yes! I’m paused, as just now listening to this. Perfect timing, & wanna go back & read everyone else afterwards. Thanking for the connected encouragement! The last few days have been SO difficult for me…the tears, the wanting to beat myself up, the sadness of “supposed” loss of many I’ve loved (& plenty that I feel have been infected by the Narc lies, smear campaign, etc.), the betrayal of one who I thought was a friend but most likely yielded herself as romantic food supply, & YUCK, thinking of him lately….”YUCK, why? It was only a lie & an illusion. I’m very grateful that I didn’t yield to his pressures of marriage or go any further, but it still hurts! Thanks for continuing to stand & pour out to us, Melanie, even during your own time of loss. Sending you hugs, & lots of love! We’re gonna make it, & Gods’ gonna bring us out on the other side!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 21, 2018

      Hi Aneas,

      You are very welcome and thank you for your lovely words.

      Absolutely our lives are going to be and are amazing!

      Sending love, healing and power to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • nesilaw@outlook.com'
        "Aneas"
        July 23, 2018

        Hi sweet Melanie, Just wanted to “Copy/Paste” this Word that I received today from a Ministry that always blesses me….& adds to your encouragement….”What I’m saying, says the Father, is I am turning up the heat, not to destroy you but to answer the very cry of your heart. Determine to rid yourself of that one toxic relationship that has torpedoed your destiny and robbed you of the joy that is your portion. Lot had no place with Abraham. There are those in your life such as Lot – they cannot go where I am taking you. Set your affection upon the throne and allow Me to give you the grace to set aside your Ishmaels and every compromised relationship and situation, that I might bring you forth and cause you this day to ride in the high places of the earth as is your calling and your ultimate destiny”…..He’s Faithful, even when “Ooch”, it hurts!!!

  • silvertrainer@comcast.net'
    Kristine Griffin
    July 23, 2018

    Hello Melanie

    Quick preface to email….it’s long! I’m sorry about that…I just started and couldn’t stop. Cliff notes would be found on last paragraph 😬

    Listening to you is beginning to have huge impact on how I live my life. Growing up as the oldest of 5 siblings with an alcoholic mother was just the beginning. My mother left all five of us when I was 14 years old. I took on the role of mother to my younger siblings. My baby brother was only 2 at the time. Fast forward to marriage with 3 kids to an alcohol abuser with a large ego. Counseling and tears became a weekly occurrence. I tried everything to take my mind of being so angry and feeling so depressed. I would shut down and the walls started to go up. Eventually, the marriage ended and 15 years later, my ex still takes his anger out on me. He cannot let go and reminds both the kids and I about he is the victim. He plays martyr very well. (Melanie, wish I had you and your words of encouragement back then). I moved through many relationships but found constant reasons to break up. Similar to my mom in that she moved through so many relationships, I found fault in each one. Sadly enough, I had some tremendous men in my life who tried to be there for me yet I still found some reason to end things. I am a nurturing person but discovered I wanted to be with someone who was independent, confident and didn’t need their hand held. I unfortunately started accruing debt with 3 kids and an ex who expected me to pay half of everything. I didn’t make much money and was trying to keep a house afloat thinking my kids needed to be in their home. Working 2 jobs wasn’t cutting it and one day a knock came to my door. A large burly man with his truck explained to me he was repossessing my car. I begged him to let me drop my kids off at a friends birthday party first so they wouldn’t know what happened and then I would make up a story. I was drowning to the point that I couldn’t even afford hot lunches for the kids but was too embarrassed to ask for help. My home was going to be foreclosed and my ex’s response was always “get a real job and take care of business”. It was then that someone I was friendly with several years older waltzed into my life. He said he had admired me for a long time and he would help me get back on my feet. He jumped into rescue mode and I felt obligated to jump into a relationship with him. Everyone looked at me with envy that I was being wisked away by this handsome doctor but it soon became evident that his dark side (now realize, his narcissistic personality disorder) was just beginning. The control and passive aggressive mannerisms were clear early on. A recovering alcoholic who was prepared to make my life great but when things didn’t go his way, I was reminded time and time again about what he did for me and the kids. Money was brought up when I didn’t give him fair notice about going out with friends for dinner or if I didn’t follow through on having sex when we had free nights. Interesting how my ex did that same thing with me. If they were getting their way, there was no complaining. I look back and feel horrible for putting my kids through that relationship. They knew I was miserable but didn’t know how to communicate it. They later told me that they were mad at me and we never should have moved in with him. I thought maybe this is what I deserve. Maybe this is as good as it’s going to get. We became engaged and I couldn’t even muster up the energy to look at a wedding dress. I couldn’t stand his presence but didn’t know how to break free. My depression and sadness became all consuming and I couldn’t tell my friends, was too embarrassed to really let my family in on my state of mind but felt safe in responding to an old flame who was periodically messaging me. I spilled my guts in an email to him. He only asked why I would continue the relationship if I didn’t love the man. Here comes the lightening bolt part……my fiancé had broken into my emails. He truly scared me and at this point, I knew I had to get out. He would reread my emails and make me listen to them. I despised him for the mental abuse and passive aggressive behaviors. I was told how ungrateful I was and was reminded of how much he did for me. We parted ways and I thought I had become smarter. “ I will never allow this to happen again”. I dated and then met a man who was everything I had looked for. He didn’t fit the physical mold and wasn’t as interested in working out like I was but he was charming. His devilish smile, lavish dates, gifts and trips were drawing me in quickly. I felt like I finally met the confident, successful, loving person who enjoyed the finer things and could share in a great bottle of wine to end our day. No sooner than things get more serious, the insecurities and excessive drinking show up. Accusations about my working with male clients. He said he didn’t trust women so I went overboard to show him I was trustworthy. I gave up spending time with friends and made excuses to some of my male clients about not being able to work with them. I look back at all of the apology letters from my husband (yes, I said it…..my husband) and realize something was very much off. The grandiose trips were something my kids had never experienced. I loved and still love this man and this was something I get we could work through together. Personality changes and excessive drinking landed him in the hospital several times but my nurturing side wanted to be there for him. Nothing was ever his fault….always blaming someone else for negative things going on in his life. I thought I could fix him and repeatedly put everything else on the back burner. Our 2 families were connecting so well but only I was living on this rollercoaster. Forced to stop drinking for health reasons brought out even more behavioral problems. Diagnosed with bipolar II and depression was what I had been dealing with.

    ***Melanie, this is where you really entered my life. I have been struggling so much trying to understand how do I keep putting myself in such similar situations. Once again, I am now married to an alcoholic who displays passive aggressive behaviors. The difference is you made a statement in a podcast talking about “covert narcissistic people”. I listened so intently to that podcast. Your words rang so loud in my ears. I realized that you were talking about my husband. You mentioned that many are incorrectly diagnosed with depression and/or behavior issues. “Why aren’t the therapists seeing this….how can the Psychologist be missing such strong patterns with my husband. I then remembered that narcissistic people are charming and he was probably talking the talk trying to minimize the magnitude of what’s going on his brain. He wanted the pills to fix him and he wanted me to be by his side all the time. I never knew what a narcissist really was until I discovered you. I would always refer to my ex husband as one and then I guess my ex fiancée displayed different sides but nonetheless, narcissistic behaviors. What a mess……I took part in your 3 hour workshop last week and was blown away by how the healing/meditation affected me. I cried for hours after being able to identify one of my hurts or sadnesses. I have more to work through…..I’m sure more than I realize. Lol. I purchased your modules and trying to work through the steps and most importantly, I am learning to try to detach myself and work on healing. My husband doesn’t like the “surge of independence” I’m displaying but I have been on the verge of a breakdown as it sounds like you were too. I don’t know what will happen to our marriage. Maybe we will each be able to heal ourselves and release our younger version/selves pains. I really could use your help because at 53 I want to be the best I can be. I have to stop internalizing and personalizing everything around me. I feel I have a special gift to help others and believe helping others struggling gives me peace. I needed your voice and your help to get started. I am so sorry for the long winded message but wanted you to have better sense of what brought me to this place. I want my marriage to work out and time will tell. So strange how things happen and I believe I was somehow directed to you. Thank you so much for giving me hope. I wish I could meet with you personally but will gladly take your podcasts and advice to help get me to a healthier place. I feel blessed in so many ways and look forward to continuing on this journey. Final note….All my best, K

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 23, 2018

      Awww K,

      I hear you …every bit of this and I understand.

      Dear Lady I am so pleased you have made your way here, and myself and this incredible community are here to help support you as your heal.

      It is your time and I’m sending you all the healing and breakthrough wishes I can muster.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jenniferjhosick@gmail.com'
    Jennifer
    July 27, 2018

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  • jenniferjhosick@gmail.com'
    Jennifer
    July 27, 2018

    Thank-you for posting Melanie.
    I was with a narc for 15 years. During those years I felt I was never enough and I always tried to please him. I thought if I could love him more, please him more, give him more, he finally would see me for the kind, loving beautiful person I am.
    The problem was- he never did. He became more and more unhappy. I tried harder- I always said yes. But still no love.
    I finally realized that it was never me- this was about him.
    We have now been separated for almost two years. Forgiving myself has been a long process. BUT I have forgiven myself. I was able to do this through finding thanks in my narc. relationship. I am THANKFUL that this happened. I am STRONGER, braver and more in tune with my emotional/mental state. I now have control over my own life, career, hobbies, friends etc. I know that I would not be this strong or unwilling to back down if it had not been for this experience. It’s quite exhilarating to know that my future is FULL of opportunity. I can literally do anything and let my light shine. I hope that others read this and know that they’re not alone. That it truly IS possible to move on.
    Good luck to everyone… Stay strong and stay focused on re-creating who YOU are post-narc. It is a very exciting time for you.
    XO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 28, 2018

      Hi Jennifer,

      I love your beautiful and inspirational post.

      Thank you for sharing your gorgeous Thriver energy with our wonderful community.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • govchal@gmail.com'
    bob bradley
    July 30, 2018

    last two years have produced incredible amounts of truth. but friends the truth might set free but it trails in its wake shocking price tags for its gifts. my details are much the same as all. 60-year-old performing artist and survivor of various “engagements” with women (gender as we know is just a variable). last one was apotheosis. too much to recount as most of us have dealt with the same thing. my NARC “conference badge” would have as its identifier “survivor of narcissistic emotional, physical, psychological and yes–sexual abuse (step-mother is perp; mother killed herself when i was 4 months old; father slow suicide by alcohol. so there you have it: orphan of a double suicide, one by the bottle, other by the gun. and that will be part of a chorus for a song that will chill the bone). as an artist the choice was between this shite being baggage or content. and mercy have i got the content. and that was my choice: to use it mercilessly. ruthlessly. with abject disdain for the “taboos” or the other gaslighting that can so easily be fatal. we gotta kill this stuff on the spiritual plane. and i mean death by spiritual sword. remember: we’ve had impeccable teachers. off with its gorgon heads.

    I was rattled to see that the consensus of the only healing from this death web is gratitude to the perp for pointing out wounds that need to heal. I read my farewell letter to -ex to my therapist (after about a year of suffering “attacks” that were like the T-bone car wreck scene in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN where psycho is clobbered in suburban neighborhood. would come out of nowhere. shatter me. body temperature would drop. vicious stuff). but in the letter i took full responsibility for letting the thing go on past more red flags than a Maoist rally. Blew right past them. Everyone saw it but me. And we were so close. but that gap that she wouldn’t work to close–eventually i would been strung up by a pipe in the basement. and as i read that letter, i was amazed to discover i had written the sentence (unconsciously i assure you) that expressed gratitude to her for what i learned about my own need for healing! Exactly the gratitude that the consensus of healers maintained! no pride in this. it just happened.

    my therapist said he would not treat me if i continued with her as it was just like a addict going back to crack. i thought he was rather lacking in the affective area and said, “you mean to tell me romance is just a pathology?” this news insulted my poet’s soul. but he was dead right. only return on that investment is that i’m not in a relationship. cold comfort. but i know a colder reality. research brought me to “limerence,” obsessive love. possible outcomes include death. and i’m a believer. i shudder at the memories of the pain. and also: recovery from side effects of this limerence beats out recovery from heroin for difficulty. after it was over, i just kept thinking of the howlin’ wolf song, “Killing Floor.” As in American homes are just killing floors. but the game was up and truth’s price tag was due for payment. we all know how that works. I didn’t intend to go on so. but hopefully there are some kernels in this one-take riff that might serve.

    the following is a poem i used the personna of Velveeta Huong, a character i invented to say some things that needed a different identity “to say them ‘hot’,” as D. H. Lawrence taught. there’s a cult of mediocrity in this imploding republic. therapy. education. you name it. this character allows me to have at this fatal trend. and this is one of last works from the late, great Ms. Huong’s body of work. she takes it on. and pulls no punches.

    love to all. this is murderously difficult work. but this chatboard is a lifeline. blessed be.

    I WANT TO DIE SO BAD I CAN TASTE MY GRAVE

    (By the late great Velveeta Huong, written from the gulag of her health industry imposed stay on her death-bed. And she knowing the fraud of the medical cabal that like fascists of their two-faced professional creed kept her and others alive on false pretense. Merely in order to keep full the junk inside the spike that fed insurance blood money flowing in their beaurocratic veins.)
    1
    I affirm the touch of gifts in the life we make.
    Sweet and dear this precious human trait.
    Especially to one who has never known love.
    Mysteries fomented from below or from above.
    2
    The data accrues and is either read or denied.
    By all who walk the coals of the question why.
    By all who do the dance around how and what to decide.
    My grave is now the mother who in sweet peace will let me lie.
    3
    I want to die so bad I can taste the grave.
    Have done hero’s work on mere thin gruel they gave.
    Ate the shit by the shovel of the perps in charge.
    Absorbed this all as if my heart was that large.
    4
    Now the facts as they read tally my fate.
    All my fault I know and accept the charge.
    Always too much for those not enough.
    I want to die so bad I can taste my grave.
    5
    All along the horror trail the death family’s fates decreed.
    Still I gave my soul to the soil of their seed.
    Until I saw it all clear as any born of a woman can see:
    The lies that fed the way through the fog of their decrees.
    6
    No emotion left in me for the fate of those
    Who shrunk my hope cheap as a box of second-hand clothes.
    Mine was a real-life hero’s tale I championed through
    From the lies they perped and their sad lot chose.
    7
    That poverty at the false root of whatever they gave.
    The self-serving gifts they conveyed and took back away.
    I want to to die so bad I can taste my grave.

  • govchal@gmail.com'
    bob bradley
    July 30, 2018

    ok. i just spent an hour on a post in which i poured my heart and sou. only to be informed it was a “duplicate comment.” which is malarky. am steaming but i know how to handle it.

    later gators.

  • govchal@gmail.com'
    bob bradley
    July 30, 2018

    ok. now i see the post is posted. along with my shot at it being refused.

    the practice never ends.

    peace.

    bob

  • peace455@outlook.com'
    Pam
    August 2, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    I’m a little late to respond but I have a few thoughts to share with you.
    Having been out of my narcissist relationship for 18 months, I went through the process of forgivng myself only to realise today that I have walked right back into another narcissist relationship.
    This time with my mother.
    I moved into my parents house out of necessity after being out on my own for over forty years. I’m taking measures to get back out and working through the process.
    It’s a lot easier this time around thanks to you and your course.
    I realise now that I was raised to be a perfect
    victimm of a narcissist.
    Now I’m beginning the process of forgiving myself again.
    I am thinking that what I have been doing is just projecting another instance of my belief in separation from God… as if that could really happen!
    You really are a miracle in my life.
    Thank you for all that you do.

  • Antoniafacianne@gmail.com'
    Antoniafacianne
    August 6, 2018

    My narcissist isn’t a husband but a sister. She has controlled me for years with her Perpetual drama. Her son was arrested for solicitation of a minor on graigslist and is not allowed 500ft. of children. Christmas morning he showed up at my house with children here. My sister who promised me he wouldn’t be here said she didn’t know he was coming in. My God daughter who is a lawyer knows of his case and it’s disgusting details and so she stayed upstairs w/ her 12yr. old daughter. They risked my husband’s clearance and my son as a Deputy. I asked for him to go 2hrs later. And because I did that it’s been 8mths of no speaking at all, no contact w/ her Grandchildren either. She’s bringing our mom to live in their old house by them and has my Dad fishing w/ her son ( that’s charged w/ the solicitation of a minor.) all the time. They are under strict orders not to talk about her or her family. I feel abandoned by her and worthless. I’m being made to suffer. My hubs is in Afghanistan and I need family.

  • kim@mommasaid.biz'
    kimberly
    August 20, 2018

    Melanie,
    I feel like such a fool I not only was with a man who is a narcissist but I did one thing more foolish he was married (no children) and when we met he lied,said he was divorcing and I believed him.We have been together 9 months and last week he decided to leave me, my heart shattered into a million pieces. He not only left he has blocked me from all communication with him and occasionally will let me know my unblocked times i am able to be in touch. and to think I would take him back makes me question my sanity. My entire world revolves around him for 9 months and i’m so lost in the moment that i’ve even though that ending my life might be a good idea. I at one time was this strong confident woman today I can’t pull myself together to get to the store. I’m broken i am so angry that i drank the kool aid he gave me. I find myself checking all day to see if i’ve been unblocked and i can phone and when i finally get to speak to him all he says is hi and how horrible i sound and he says now if he every leaves his wife he will be in touch!! What’s the matter with me?? And in this moment I would take him back and say sure just use me as you wish. I need help !! lots of help I can hardly see this due to the amount of crying i’ve done my eyes are swollen so excuse the typos

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2018

      Awww Kimberly,

      My heart goes out to you, and I am so sorry that you are going through such a terrible time and feeling so hooked in.

      Please Kimberly know that so many of us have be through this also, and the only way out is to turn inwards and find and heal those parts of us which are hooked in.

      I’d love to help hold your hand and start you on this process, which myself and the entire Thriver community can help you with.

      You can start here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Kimberly I so want you to know that you can recover from this.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • denisegbrl@gmail.com'
    Denise
    September 15, 2018

    I dont miss him the person he turned out to be, i just feel so cheated. I miss the life he promised me. 4 yrs i thought if i just convinced him that i wasnt cheating and doing all the other things he accused me of.that he would be that goodcman again. It finally started showing what a liar and fake he is. When that happened , to explain his reasons for being exacly opposite of who he said he was, the abuse got worse, also he would just refuse to even answer or acknowledge that i asked a question. How can he simply say nothing and still think he can get away with it. I dont want him but i feel empty now that i dont have the future that was a dream come true.i suffered so much heartbreak believing that all i had to. Was to prove my love and loyalty. How can i ever trust anyone again. He was so convincing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 16, 2018

      Hi Denise,

      You are so right, the loss of the life that we thought we were having is excruciating.

      The only way I know out of that truly is the deep healing within. I’d love to show you how to access relief and a light at the end of the tunnel.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this can help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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