Do you know what one of my hardest jobs being a healer is?
Let me tell you…
It is convincing women that the man they lost is not a loss…
How can I do this when women have the gut wrenching feeling “How will I ever feel as attracted to anyone else as I DID to him?”
I know it’s awful (initially). I know it’s devastating, heartbreaking and feels like the cruellest, nastiest joke that Life could play on you…putting a man in your path that you feel so attracted to, so compatible with and who you totally fall in love with, yet things didn’t work out.
Maybe the cruel joke went really deep. Maybe there was a period of time where you were in a relationship with him, and he told you he felt the same, that he knew you were his soul mate, and he had never felt so attracted to and connected to anyone in all his life.
We can take this one step further. Maybe, if this person was not a narcissist, he may have meant this, at the time, with all of his heart – yet, for whatever reason things didn’t and don’t seem like they can or ever will work out with him.
But let’s face it, narcissist or not – you feel devastated.
The relationship is finished…
And it’s agonising to accept that…
Maybe there are things about his life, his career, his children, his religion, his family or himself that make having a relationship with him impossible. Maybe he simply does not feel about you the way he used to. Maybe he’s moved on, and another woman is now in his arms.
Maybe despite all your efforts to reconnect to him, he has closed the door – for ever…
How do you let go of the agony of such a loss?
He was Your One and Only
He was The Love of Your Life
You had never experienced a connection like that before…and feel like you probably never will again.
You may try to replace him. Yet replacing him is not like buying a cute puppy or kitten to replace a deceased or lost pet. In fact trying to re-enact this type of attraction and connection with another person whilst deep in loss and grief, is only ever going to create comparison and even greater feelings of pain.
In fact the “I can’t stand the loss” coupled with “No-one else feels like he did to me”, creates feelings of deep anguish, helplessness and powerless, and even suicidal depression.
I know because I’ve been there, and I get to deal with women in this agony every other day. If you are reading this, and feel like I’m talking directly to you – I promise you, you’re not alone – this feeling is Universal.
You may feel like the abandoned women in an olden time movie, who can’t move on, who can never reconcile her lost love and no matter how hard she tries, can never fully connect to another lover again. In fact she can barely even function in life.
On the outside she is stoically soldiering on, forcing a smile on the outside, yet she’s dying on the inside…
All very whimsical, poignant and romantic…BUT
Since unravelling the illusions about ‘love’, I now promise you living like this is tragic, ridiculous and totally unnecessary…
I’m going to explain why…
What Love are You Feeling?
The problem is not the INTENSITY of love you felt, it’s the TYPE of love you felt..
You see, there are too distinct versions of ‘love’. These are:
• Healthy, real love, and
• Unhealthy, false love.
You may not wish to accept what I have to say, but if you start being honest with yourself you will see a distinct difference in these two versions of love.
Healthy, real love is: Warm, safe, peaceful, true, supportive and loyal. It creates togetherness, commitment, teamwork and support. It contains integrity, feelings of knowing and being at peace, and easy trust, and it adds solidness and security to your everyday life experience.
Unhealthy, false love is: unstable and dramatic with big highs and lows. It creates separations, misunderstandings, and lack of team-work and support. It contains misinformation, unknown quantities, and feelings of confusions, anxiety and distrust. It creates instability, confusion and pain within your everyday life experience.
The Hooks of Unhealthy Love
Unhealthy love is powerfully compelling, illusionary and alluring. The relationship may have started out with all the trimmings of being ‘healthy, real love’ and then as time progressed the cracks appeared.
Generally these relationships are the ones we rush in to. We fell head first into the chemical attraction and the belief that this person was ‘The One’.
We did, in fact, create and feel our own incredible charges of joy, passion and excitement by projecting on to this person our images and beliefs of him being ‘Our Perfect Other Half’ without taking the time to see if our theory was actually real and would stand up.
This started usually with physical attraction – “He’s my type”. Then another piece of information arrived, “He’s available”, then another “He likes me”, and then maybe just one another bit of data arrived that sealed the deal for us, such as “I love the way he dresses and presents himself”.
Already we’re feeling the powerful pulls of “Wow, maybe he’s The One”…then we have a conversation with him. He’s funny, charming, and intelligent, and the Real Deal as far as we are concerned, is right in front of our face.
And you acknowledge to yourself that there is a coincidental connection. He loves your favourite author. He used to work in your home town, or he knows a family you used to go on holidays with.
Instant connection is created…then…
“Oh My God, he’s asked me out!!”
“He ticks my boxes, and therefore if a relationship comes as a result of this – it’s meant to be – He’s The One!”
We think these intense feelings of love and connection were created by cupid’s arrow…”My True Soul Mate Love has finally been bestowed on me!”
No! There were just enough criteria for you to create this person as the role of your fantasy in your mind and emotions, and there was also the familiarity of this person, at an unconscious level, delivering to you again, the unhealed parts of you that had always struggled to attract, be in and create healthy relationships.
It’s a powerful and seductive cocktail…and it mesmerises you…
The following is what instant relationships are all about.
They happen quickly, they happen powerfully, and they happen with very little mindfulness…
And the other person may not be anywhere near where you are in their own beliefs and expectations about this being THE Relationship…or they may…
Relationships that start healthily are not ‘pot luck’. Yes ‘love at first sight’ can and does happen for people. And the people it does happen to are usually young, have not had past relationship baggage, and have healthy belief systems, boundaries, and have received solid and empowering parental relationship programming, and are therefore naturally attracted to healthy partner prospects.
These lucky people simply do not have to go through the lessons of evolution and self-healing which people who struggle in relationships are destined to do.
If you do not have this ‘lucky criteria’, stay away from the belief that you are going to ‘hit pay-dirt’ in an instant attraction. You do in fact have more chance of winning first division in lotto.
The fact is, because you have unhealed love programs within yourself going on, you will only instantly attract (and be attracted to) the perfect person to bring you enough pain to make these unhealed parts conscious enough for you to heal… and the chances of him being your life partner are incredibly slim, because that is not his purpose if you chose his as an Instant Relationship.
If you are conscious and healed enough you would not have to go through the healing lesson (pain) of this relationship. And the reason is because you’d apply mindfulness and take your time, see the ‘cracks’ and not get involved regardless of the level of chemical/ physical attraction you feel.
It’s easy to understand (and humbly admit) if we weren’t at a level of healthiness within ourself yet, when we decided to go for and stay in this relationship.
If we are really honest with ourselves, we can admit there were things that weren’t right that showed up early. Early on in the ‘loved up stage’ together, he was arrogant to a waitress, or he stated how angry he was that ex-wife played up on him, or you saw him oogling a woman in the restaurant when you walked back from the toilet…
Yet you ignore the signs because the decision He Is The One was already made.
We wanted to believe that finally The One that we have been waiting for all of our life has come into our world, so we live the illusion, despite any warning signs, or lack of information about this person’s character, past , or values and choices in life, and we steam ahead at full throttle towards the inevitable disaster coming up in the future.
As time progressed things worsen. The relationship suffers problems. All of a sudden, the connection feels missing, he doesn’t seem as attentive, or in love, or he starts being harsh, critical or even abusive. The dream is now under stress, and is not shaping up the way you believed it was meant to be.
The fear of losing The One Who Has Finally Arrived To Make My Life Complete and The Dream of My Incredible Life I Am Destined To Have With Him is triggered powerfully. The shattering of the illusion is not an option when we believe there is no other option than, we have to make it work with ‘The One’.
We think , “I’ll probably never meet anyone I love so much again – look how long it took for this man to enter my life…”
Boy those pulls of pain, intense longing and the fear of loss are powerful…
And of course, when we don’t know better, they feel like ‘love’.
Whereas, in truth these are feelings of addiction, co-dependency, obsession, and incredibly unhealthy love that was never formed on a healthy platform or foundation to start with…
If you believe “love conquers all.” look around you at the real life evidence that exists everywhere (as well as your own painful experiences) and ask yourself How on earth can I believe that myth? And: Is me wanting desperately to believe that myth serving me?
How do we know when it is Real Love or when it isn’t Real Love?
I am always incredibly suspicious whenever I hear women gush and state regarding their new love interest “He’s my total soul mate. We’re so compatible. We are so meant to be.”
I used to do it too….I used to project my version of my dream man onto ‘The Love of My Life’, and decide ‘He Was The One’. I did this more than once in my life absolutely…
In every one of these incidences I played along with a version of ‘my perfect man’ that I did not want to shatter with some healthy investigation, or by taking my time to see if in fact this person was right, good or healthy for me.
Wow, it was so much fun to get caught up in the whirlwind of my magical fantasy. That was until I fell flat on my butt writhing with agony after losing The Love of My Life, the dream, the possibility of a great life, the possibility of future creations, security, holidays, dinners, pastimes, happiness, joy, the reason to live and everything else that goes with making another human being responsible for providing all of your life’s pleasures, joy and love for you…
…and then losing them.
Are you getting the picture?
Real Love begins with you – always. It is not the chemical high of instant attraction, instant relationships and throwing our hearts, bodies and visions of Who This Person Is Meant To Be into the fray without consideration. True Love is mindful, it is respectful. It isn’t impatient, needy or reckless.
True Love when it is first discovered is not described as “He’s my total soul mate. We’re so compatible. We are so meant to be.”
It is more likely to sound like this: “He’s great. It’s early days, I really like him, and I’m taking my time to get to know who he is before starting a relationship with him. Time will tell.”
The first description comes from an idealised, fantasy place, which is incredibly dangerous.
The second comes from a grounded, mature and real space which is solid and healthy.
Recovery from Healthy Love Versus Recovery from Unhealthy Love
How do we know when we are hooked into not recovering from unhealthy love? We know when we can’t move on. We know when we feel limited and fear that we will never love or be loved again. We know we are trying to recover from obsessive, unhealthy love when we suffer intense agony over the loss, and we feel empty and shattered in our present lives, and when we have fear and despair regarding our future. We know when we feel no joy or connection to life.
We may feel like life is not worth living…
We may feel like we’re dying…
(I can sense some of you nodding your head…)
How do we know when we are recovering from Real Love?
We know because we acknowledge that no matter how sad it may be, and even if we still love each other, that it is just not working, and we love ourself and the other person enough to set each other free, in order to find a partner that is more suitable. Real love separates respectfully and with kindness. Real love separates with care for the other’s well-being and with emotional maturity.
Real love separates with the knowing that love does exist again, and that you can absolutely love someone and yet not necessarily have them as your life partner, and that new love exits when we accept what isn’t working, release it with love, and grant ourselves some time to heal (which we DO when we have accepted ‘what is’).
Real love is about wishing for and allowing the other person to do the same – and to be genuinely happy for them in doing so.
The Remedy for Your Pain of Loss
The remedy is certainly not to stay stuck in the feelings of pain and loss, the “I’ll never find anyone like that again”, and all the other self-defeating thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck.
You may think that the agony will eventually flush out as a result of crying, regurgitating the regret and loss and indulging these painful stories.
WRONG! This is not how shifts in consciousness take place!
They happen by directly challenging your belief systems and making the concerted effort to change them.
You only get better by taking action, not by being a passive passenger to painful emotions…
This starts by letting go of the illusions of the loss of the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, opening your eyes and accept the truth of what really took place…
(Tough love ladies)…
I am not going to help you by rubbing your back, or letting you cry on my shoulder – you have done more than enough of that – and as you know none of that has helped you yet!
It’s time to change. Really time to change.
If you feel shattered because “He was My One True Love That I Lost” and refuse to pull this illusion down and look at the truth, I can’t help you – because you are no-where near helping yourself…
If you continue to believe that chemical, physical attraction should be your gauge on who you get involved with, without being responsible for ascertaining his character and suitability as a life partner, and taking your time to do that, I can’t help you – because you are no-where near helping yourself.
If you still want to believe that identifying and choosing a partner sensibly based on values, compatibilities and character is boring and takes all of the spice out of romance, I can’t help you – because you are no-where being a mature adult who makes healthy choices for herself..
If you believe that love at first sight, or intense physical attractions is the only way love can ever happen for you, I can’t help you….because you will only continue to create love pain and relationship disaster.
If you realise all of this was you not knowing how to love and honour yourself – and you want to move past this, and towards creating REAL warmth, safety, peace, truth, support, loyalty, togetherness, commitment, teamwork, integrity, feelings of knowing and the being at peace with a man and a relationship that you can trust, and experiencing a love which adds solidness and security to your everyday life experience – then you have to get to work on what you need to do.
release your past, make peace with it; take the gift of conscious awareness of what the truth is, and what is necessary and get on to your self-healing in regard to creating Real Love…
Then…It’s time to learn about what Real Love looks like, how to start it, how to be it to yourself, and where you need to be within yourself before creating it, and how it feels when you meet it for real…
If you don’t, you will simply be living the same painful, unfulfilling version of your love life over and over again.
It always comes down to choice.
Yes, you can keep doing the old-fashioned way – grieving, crying, suffering self-esteem issues, suffering survival, life and security fears, and feeling totally disconnected from life, love and living for extended periods of time. Some women grieve and don’t recover for years, decades or quite frankly ever…
You can untangle the illusions, see the truth, own it, accept it, and get moving into the creation of your real life, and working diligently on yourself in order to create True Love.
I’d love this because it would make my job much easier, as we wouldn’t be spending hours of time going over and over the same stuck ground, and we could get moving into creating the inspiring, awesome and powerful stuff.
Which is….Warmth, safety, peace, truth, support, loyalty, togetherness, commitment, teamwork, integrity, feelings of knowing and the being at peace within yourself first, and then a man and a relationship that you can trust, and experiencing a love which adds solidness and security to your everyday life experience.
These goals are about moving forward, they are not about staying stuck!
As always if you don’t know how to do this…ask me how.
It’s what I do as my job, my mission, and my passion – move you away from Pain and into True Love…
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