Melanie Tonia Evans

The Confusion of Attraction and Love

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
26
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Do you know what one of my hardest jobs being a healer is?

Let me tell you…

It is convincing women that the man they lost is not a loss…

How can I do this when women have the gut wrenching feeling “How will I ever feel as attracted to anyone else as I DID to him?”

I know it’s awful (initially). I know it’s devastating, heartbreaking and feels like the cruellest, nastiest joke that Life could play on you…putting a man in your path that you feel so attracted to, so compatible with and who you totally fall in love with, yet things didn’t work out.

Maybe the cruel joke went really deep. Maybe there was a period of time where you were in a relationship with him, and he told you he felt the same, that he knew you were his soul mate, and he had never felt so attracted to and connected to anyone in all his life.

We can take this one step further. Maybe, if this person was not a narcissist, he may have meant this, at the time, with all of his heart – yet, for whatever reason things didn’t and don’t seem like they can or ever will work out with him.

But let’s face it, narcissist or not – you feel devastated.

The relationship is finished…

And it’s agonising to accept that…

Maybe there are things about his life, his career, his children, his religion, his family or himself that make having a relationship with him impossible. Maybe he simply does not feel about you the way he used to. Maybe he’s moved on, and another woman is now in his arms.

Maybe despite all your efforts to reconnect to him, he has closed the door – for ever…

So…

How do you let go of the agony of such a loss?

After all,

He was Your One and Only

He was The Love of Your Life

You had never experienced a connection like that before…and feel like you probably never will again.

You may try to replace him. Yet replacing him is not like buying a cute puppy or kitten to replace a deceased or lost pet. In fact trying to re-enact this type of attraction and connection with another person whilst deep in loss and grief, is only ever going to create comparison and even greater feelings of pain.

In fact the “I can’t stand the loss” coupled with “No-one else feels like he did to me”, creates feelings of deep anguish, helplessness and powerless, and even suicidal depression.

I know because I’ve been there, and I get to deal with women in this agony every other day. If you are reading this, and feel like I’m talking directly to you – I promise you, you’re not alone – this feeling is Universal.

You may feel like the abandoned women in an olden time movie, who can’t move on, who can never reconcile her lost love and no matter how hard she tries, can never fully connect to another lover again. In fact she can barely even function in life.

On the outside she is stoically soldiering on, forcing a smile on the outside, yet she’s dying on the inside…

All very whimsical, poignant and romantic…BUT

Since unravelling the illusions about ‘love’, I now promise you living like this is tragic, ridiculous and totally unnecessary…

I’m going to explain why…

 

What Love are You Feeling?

The problem is not the INTENSITY of love you felt, it’s the TYPE of love you felt..

You see, there are too distinct versions of ‘love’. These are:

• Healthy, real love, and
• Unhealthy, false love.

You may not wish to accept what I have to say, but if you start being honest with yourself you will see a distinct difference in these two versions of love.

Healthy, real love is: Warm, safe, peaceful, true, supportive and loyal. It creates togetherness, commitment, teamwork and support. It contains integrity, feelings of knowing and being at peace, and easy trust, and it adds solidness and security to your everyday life experience.

Unhealthy, false love is: unstable and dramatic with big highs and lows. It creates separations, misunderstandings, and lack of team-work and support. It contains misinformation, unknown quantities, and feelings of confusions, anxiety and distrust. It creates instability, confusion and pain within your everyday life experience.

 

The Hooks of Unhealthy Love

Unhealthy love is powerfully compelling, illusionary and alluring. The relationship may have started out with all the trimmings of being ‘healthy, real love’ and then as time progressed the cracks appeared.

Generally these relationships are the ones we rush in to. We fell head first into the chemical attraction and the belief that this person was ‘The One’.

We did, in fact, create and feel our own incredible charges of joy, passion and excitement by projecting on to this person our images and beliefs of him being ‘Our Perfect Other Half’ without taking the time to see if our theory was actually real and would stand up.

This started usually with physical attraction – “He’s my type”. Then another piece of information arrived, “He’s available”, then another “He likes me”, and then maybe just one another bit of data arrived that sealed the deal for us, such as “I love the way he dresses and presents himself”.

Already we’re feeling the powerful pulls of “Wow, maybe he’s The One”…then we have a conversation with him. He’s funny, charming, and intelligent, and the Real Deal as far as we are concerned, is right in front of our face.

And you acknowledge to yourself that there is a coincidental connection. He loves your favourite author. He used to work in your home town, or he knows a family you used to go on holidays with.

Instant connection is created…then…

“Oh My God, he’s asked me out!!”

“He ticks my boxes, and therefore if a relationship comes as a result of this – it’s meant to be – He’s The One!”

We think these intense feelings of love and connection were created by cupid’s arrow…”My True Soul Mate Love has finally been bestowed on me!”

No! There were just enough criteria for you to create this person as the role of your fantasy in your mind and emotions, and there was also the familiarity of this person, at an unconscious level, delivering to you again, the unhealed parts of you that had always struggled to attract, be in and create healthy relationships.

It’s a powerful and seductive cocktail…and it mesmerises you…

 

Instant Relationships

The following is what instant relationships are all about.

They happen quickly, they happen powerfully, and they happen with very little mindfulness…

And the other person may not be anywhere near where you are in their own beliefs and expectations about this being THE Relationship…or they may…

Relationships that start healthily are not ‘pot luck’. Yes ‘love at first sight’ can and does happen for people. And the people it does happen to are usually young, have not had past relationship baggage, and have healthy belief systems, boundaries, and have received solid and empowering parental relationship programming, and are therefore naturally attracted to healthy partner prospects.

These lucky people simply do not have to go through the lessons of evolution and self-healing which people who struggle in relationships are destined to do.

If you do not have this ‘lucky criteria’, stay away from the belief that you are going to ‘hit pay-dirt’ in an instant attraction. You do in fact have more chance of winning first division in lotto.

The fact is, because you have unhealed love programs within yourself going on, you will only instantly attract (and be attracted to) the perfect person to bring you enough pain to make these unhealed parts conscious enough for you to heal… and the chances of him being your life partner are incredibly slim, because that is not his purpose if you chose his as an Instant Relationship.

If you are conscious and healed enough you would not have to go through the healing lesson (pain) of this relationship. And the reason is because you’d apply mindfulness and take your time, see the ‘cracks’ and not get involved regardless of the level of chemical/ physical attraction you feel.

It’s easy to understand (and humbly admit) if we weren’t at a level of healthiness within ourself yet, when we decided to go for and stay in this relationship.

If we are really honest with ourselves, we can admit there were things that weren’t right that showed up early. Early on in the ‘loved up stage’ together, he was arrogant to a waitress, or he stated how angry he was that ex-wife played up on him, or you saw him oogling a woman in the restaurant when you walked back from the toilet…

Yet you ignore the signs because the decision He Is The One was already made.

We wanted to believe that finally The One that we have been waiting for all of our life has come into our world, so we live the illusion, despite any warning signs, or lack of information about this person’s character, past , or values and choices in life, and we steam ahead at full throttle towards the inevitable disaster coming up in the future.

As time progressed things worsen. The relationship suffers problems. All of a sudden, the connection feels missing, he doesn’t seem as attentive, or in love, or he starts being harsh, critical or even abusive. The dream is now under stress, and is not shaping up the way you believed it was meant to be.

The fear of losing The One Who Has Finally Arrived To Make My Life Complete and The Dream of My Incredible Life I Am Destined To Have With Him is triggered powerfully. The shattering of the illusion is not an option when we believe there is no other option than, we have to make it work with ‘The One’.

We think , “I’ll probably never meet anyone I love so much again – look how long it took for this man to enter my life…

Boy those pulls of pain, intense longing and the fear of loss are powerful…

And of course, when we don’t know better, they feel like ‘love’.

Whereas, in truth these are feelings of addiction, co-dependency, obsession, and incredibly unhealthy love that was never formed on a healthy platform or foundation to start with…

If you believe “love conquers all.” look around you at the real life evidence that exists everywhere (as well as your own painful experiences) and ask yourself How on earth can I believe that myth? And: Is me wanting desperately to believe that myth serving me?

 

How do we know when it is Real Love or when it isn’t Real Love?

I am always incredibly suspicious whenever I hear women gush and state regarding their new love interest “He’s my total soul mate. We’re so compatible. We are so meant to be.”

I used to do it too….I used to project my version of my dream man onto ‘The Love of My Life’, and decide ‘He Was The One’. I did this more than once in my life absolutely…

In every one of these incidences I played along with a version of ‘my perfect man’ that I did not want to shatter with some healthy investigation, or by taking my time to see if in fact this person was right, good or healthy for me.

Wow, it was so much fun to get caught up in the whirlwind of my magical fantasy. That was until I fell flat on my butt writhing with agony after losing The Love of My Life, the dream, the possibility of a great life, the possibility of future creations, security, holidays, dinners, pastimes, happiness, joy, the reason to live and everything else that goes with making another human being responsible for providing all of your life’s pleasures, joy and love for you…

…and then losing them.

Are you getting the picture?

Real Love begins with you – always. It is not the chemical high of instant attraction, instant relationships and throwing our hearts, bodies and visions of Who This Person Is Meant To Be into the fray without consideration. True Love is mindful, it is respectful. It isn’t impatient, needy or reckless.

True Love when it is first discovered is not described as “He’s my total soul mate. We’re so compatible. We are so meant to be.”

It is more likely to sound like this: “He’s great. It’s early days, I really like him, and I’m taking my time to get to know who he is before starting a relationship with him. Time will tell.”

The first description comes from an idealised, fantasy place, which is incredibly dangerous.

The second comes from a grounded, mature and real space which is solid and healthy.

 

Recovery from Healthy Love Versus Recovery from Unhealthy Love

How do we know when we are hooked into not recovering from unhealthy love? We know when we can’t move on. We know when we feel limited and fear that we will never love or be loved again. We know we are trying to recover from obsessive, unhealthy love when we suffer intense agony over the loss, and we feel empty and shattered in our present lives, and when we have fear and despair regarding our future. We know when we feel no joy or connection to life.

We may feel like life is not worth living…

We may feel like we’re dying…

(I can sense some of you nodding your head…)

How do we know when we are recovering from Real Love?

We know because we acknowledge that no matter how sad it may be, and even if we still love each other, that it is just not working, and we love ourself and the other person enough to set each other free, in order to find a partner that is more suitable. Real love separates respectfully and with kindness. Real love separates with care for the other’s well-being and with emotional maturity.

Real love separates with the knowing that love does exist again, and that you can absolutely love someone and yet not necessarily have them as your life partner, and that new love exits when we accept what isn’t working, release it with love, and grant ourselves some time to heal (which we DO when we have accepted ‘what is’).

Real love is about wishing for and allowing the other person to do the same – and to be genuinely happy for them in doing so.

 

The Remedy for Your Pain of Loss

The remedy is certainly not to stay stuck in the feelings of pain and loss, the “I’ll never find anyone like that again”, and all the other self-defeating thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck.

You may think that the agony will eventually flush out as a result of crying, regurgitating the regret and loss and indulging these painful stories.

WRONG! This is not how shifts in consciousness take place!

They happen by directly challenging your belief systems and making the concerted effort to change them.

You only get better by taking action, not by being a passive passenger to painful emotions…

This starts by letting go of the illusions of the loss of the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, opening your eyes and accept the truth of what really took place…
(Tough love ladies)…

I am not going to help you by rubbing your back, or letting you cry on my shoulder – you have done more than enough of that – and as you know none of that has helped you yet!

It’s time to change. Really time to change.

If you feel shattered because “He was My One True Love That I Lost” and refuse to pull this illusion down and look at the truth, I can’t help you – because you are no-where near helping yourself…

If you continue to believe that chemical, physical attraction should be your gauge on who you get involved with, without being responsible for ascertaining his character and suitability as a life partner, and taking your time to do that, I can’t help you – because you are no-where near helping yourself.

If you still want to believe that identifying and choosing a partner sensibly based on values, compatibilities and character is boring and takes all of the spice out of romance, I can’t help you – because you are no-where being a mature adult who makes healthy choices for herself..

If you believe that love at first sight, or intense physical attractions is the only way love can ever happen for you, I can’t help you….because you will only continue to create love pain and relationship disaster.

If you realise all of this was you not knowing how to love and honour yourself – and you want to move past this, and towards creating REAL warmth, safety, peace, truth, support, loyalty, togetherness, commitment, teamwork, integrity, feelings of knowing and the being at peace with a man and a relationship that you can trust, and experiencing a love which adds solidness and security to your everyday life experience – then you have to get to work on what you need to do.

Which is…

release your past, make peace with it; take the gift of conscious awareness of what the truth is, and what is necessary and get on to your self-healing in regard to creating Real Love…

Then…It’s time to learn about what Real Love looks like, how to start it, how to be it to yourself, and where you need to be within yourself before creating it, and how it feels when you meet it for real…

If you don’t, you will simply be living the same painful, unfulfilling version of your love life over and over again.

It always comes down to choice.

Yes, you can keep doing the old-fashioned  way – grieving, crying, suffering self-esteem issues, suffering survival, life and security fears, and feeling totally disconnected from life, love and living for extended periods of time. Some women grieve and don’t recover for years, decades or quite frankly ever…

OR

You can untangle the illusions, see the truth, own it, accept it, and get moving into the creation of your real life, and working diligently on yourself in order to create True Love.

I’d love this because it would make my job much easier, as we wouldn’t be spending hours of time going over and over the same stuck ground, and we could get moving into creating the inspiring, awesome and powerful stuff.

Which is….Warmth, safety, peace, truth, support, loyalty, togetherness, commitment, teamwork, integrity, feelings of knowing and the being at peace within yourself first, and then a man and a relationship that you can trust, and experiencing a love which adds solidness and security to your everyday life experience.

These goals are about moving forward, they are not about staying stuck!

As always if you don’t know how to do this…ask me how.

It’s what I do as my job, my mission, and my passion –  move you away from Pain and into True Love…

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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26 Thoughts on The Confusion of Attraction and Love
  • clifftiff@gmail.com'
    Tiffany
    January 20, 2012

    Thanks I needed that

    • joytyers@gmail.com'
      Joy
      January 23, 2012

      I needed this too! Just when I was thinking “maybe its ME, not HIM thats the problem” … “perhaps I judged him too harshly and left him too hastily … perhaps I should give him another chance”???!!! Thanks for reminding me what REAL LOVE is. My decision to ‘escape’ a toxic relationship was the right one (even though I still feel guilty about it a year down the track)!! I can now give myself space to grieve and to heal – to see things in a ‘right perspective’ – and to love and respect myself before all else. Thanks again Melanie xx

    • cbshivers78@yahoo.com'
      Cecil
      February 11, 2017

      If you ever lose a child, you will realize that a relationship of a man or woman is very minute compared to a child.. Let man or woman come an go.. Your love is in within your children .

  • joselyn.sicuro@philips.com'
    maria
    January 21, 2012

    oh yeah. i have cried and suffered now for 3 years trying to overcome this nagging thought that “why didn’t he think i was worth it after 15 years together to change and become a better person?”. He is now engaged and living with someone else in our home that i had to leave b/c he wouldn’t. i needed peace and thought it would wake him up. all it did was make him more narcissistic and abusive to me. so i fell to pieces while trying to survive his non-stop advances of cruelty. i know this is not love. i have been programmed for so long to except less for myself. i am frightened about the choices i will make but am determined to do it! Real love is shown over time. it isn’t magic. i find myself attracted to really kind people now. i have lost the tolerance of the arrogant man. i look at people now and what they do, not what they say. it is a process and a choice. i have to get over the embarrassment i feel for staying in this for so long. he made a fool of me, but so did i. time to make some really good changes in my thought process. i have to admit i still have days where i cry bc i am lonely and feel exhausted as we share a daughter and he continues to try to control and manipulate. i have been much better at my boundaries and my exposure to him. i pray everyday and thank god that he is there to help me now move to the higher level of life and quality of relationships that i truly deserve. everyone tells me what a nice person i am. i now want to find that someone who can share in that with me and appreciate it by showing me, not telling me.

  • themurallady@gmail.com'
    KLM
    January 21, 2012

    Good God…this is exactly what my life has been like for 4 long, painful, nearly devastating years of my life. All over a man who is now living off another girl…using her for all his needs…just as he did me. With NO regard for anything we shared…except of course when his current girl kicks him out (for the same ole reasons i would do)and then he’s bombarding me with his loving me and missing me and needing me…and its exactly what i want to hear. its sooo much like a drug. But it seems…i continue to attract these same kind of men…all self centered, self serving, narcissistic men…HOW DO I ATTRACT SOMEONE NORMAL?? what am i doing wrong? im such a giving, big hearted, nurturing person and girlfriend. Just doesnt make sense!

  • jazz_1975@hotmail.com'
    Jasmine
    January 21, 2012

    Hi Mel! This is wonderful advice. I think that healthy love is a lot of work and authentic vulnerability that in the past, really scared me- I wasn’t prepared for it. I was capable of initially “impressing” with looks, being charming, funny, and making myself indispensable to the unhealthy men I attracted. I didn’t realize at the time that my self-esteem was so low that I secretly believed that I wouldn’t stand up under the scrutiny from a healthy man, and my secret would be found out: that as a result of my chaotic upbringing I was somehow irrevocably dysfunctional. Easier to be with a man who expected me to perform for him or heal him… that I knew how to do. Let’s focus on him, let’s have excitement, distraction.…. give give give to earn love because I’m not good enough as I am. I was a wreck by the time that last relationship was over and I was determined to change and pull of that energy back into me. As a result of all the work I’ve done over the last two years, and my Quanta healing sessions, I have begun to heal those old wounds. I love and accept myself, so I am safe… I was always “good enough” I just hadn’t realized it. I have a baby sister (19) and I would never have wanted her to be in the kinds of relationships I have been in, as they would have diminished her and she deserves so much more – why didn’t I hold myself up to the same standards? I am ready to now. There are examples of healthy love in different forms all around me – from family and close dear friends –I know what love, integrity, and respect look like. When I say, “I’ll never feel the same way about another man again” that is a good thing. It wasn’t love, it was unhealthy attachment, a soul sickness. I am grateful that the experience enabled me to finally see and address what had long needed healing within myself. Thanks for the wise words and all the hard work you do!

  • john@johnmoussan.com'
    John
    January 21, 2012

    Hey Melanie. I love your website, I’ve seen couple of posts and I believe the information that you share is very valuable if people actually listen and take action. I am glad you brought up this ‘healthy’ and ‘unhealthy’ love. I know a lot of people who have been a victim of that, including myself in the past. However, when you have the awareness, knowledge, things like you share, It is completely different.

    At the end of the day, successful and satisfied people take %100 responsibility for their lives and the way they feel. And if anyone reading this saying this is not possible, then only thing I say back is that yes it, you just do not know who to do it or learned it.. yet.

    Great post. Great blog. Keep it!

  • Melanie
    January 22, 2012

    Hi Maria,

    that is fantastic that you are accepting the Truth, and doing the work on yourself. It is brilliant! Keep it up, and definetely you will become and receive Real Love xx

  • Melanie
    January 22, 2012

    Hi KLM,

    thank you for your note. KLM, the truth of the matter is it DOES make sense. It doen’t matter how loving and kind we are, that is absolutely no guarantee of being loved, respected and treated healthily. The Truth that you need to accpet is that this has happened to you as a pattern because you have not as yet learnt how to love and respect yourself – and you have believed that someone else (the abuser) is responsible for your well-being. It is only by doing the determined work on ourself that we can heal what we need to heal. You have had a history of being abused, beacuse you haven’t as yet established boundary function or self-deservedness. This makes you a target to keep repeating this pattern – regardless of how much kindness and love you have to offer others. If you don’t know how to apply that energy to YOU then love partners won’t either. Your recovery is essential to change this pattern, and I suggest checking out the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program as your first step. I hope you take the action that will start the change that you want in your life.

  • Melanie
    January 22, 2012

    Hi JOhn,

    thanks for your lovely support.

    It is so true we do have the power and ability to take 100% responsibility, and b ethe creator of our life. It’s just that we don’t think we can…but we can! And when we start doing ‘that’, we realise we can! Keep sharing your inspiring messages 🙂

  • Melanie
    January 22, 2012

    Hi Jasmine,

    what an incredible post, and a wonderful exmaple of the power for self that happens when we do take 100% responsibility! You have done an incredible job of your self-healing in an incredibly short space of time – and truly you are a divine being worthy of True Love! It is not a matter of ‘if’ for you Jasmine – it truly is matter of ‘when’…How can you not receive what you ARE??? Bless you! xox

  • fiorellina312@gmail.com'
    Mariko
    March 3, 2012

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for sharing this information, advice and knowledge with us. I got out of a toxic relationship a little over a month ago.

    I have been attracted to this man. When I first met him (he is the assistant manager at my work) about four months ago, I was still in a relationship with my ex and while it was not working quite well and I had been thinking of ending it, I was unable to. I tried to make it work with my ex until I emotionally ‘snapped’ and decided to leave him in late January of this year.

    As for this man from work, I had thought it was just a crush and didn’t want to do anything especially because he is my boss and I didn’t want it to affect my and his work.

    At first, he seemed upset all the time, being very quiet. I was really concerned for him and whenever I could, I asked him if he was okay. When I was talking to one of my co-workers how much I loved to see him happy (he did seemed happy at times), I admit I was hoping that he would hear it.

    The night I broke up with my ex, I was at work with Jason (the assistant manager person I feel attracted to). I somehow got to tell him what had happened, and he told me his marriage was just like my relationship with my ex. I didn’t know he was married, but learning that he was, I hoped that things would work out for him and that he would be happy.

    We chatted a bit about each other’s pain, and it was time for him to take care of his management tasks, so we ended our conversation there.

    A month has passed since that night, and I feel that I’m ready to move on. I used to feel that the loss I was bearing from the breakup was too overwhelming for me to deal with.

    Every time I see Jason at work, I feel so excited. But at the same time, I have wanted to stay single for a while until I become sure that I won’t end up using him, or my next relationship partner whoever that may be, as a rebound. If Jason could be one, hurting and using him would be the last thing I want to do.

    The other day, when I was on a lunch break, I saw Jason also on his break. I asked him if I could sit with him. He told me he was going through a divorce now. I felt bad for him, for I knew that was not what he would want to experience. He had dated his wife for eight years before getting married, and they have been married for about two years. Losing it must be hard for him.

    Still, he told me he was happier now, getting over his angry phase (his wife had been cheating on him), trying to have peace with her and himself.

    So, anyway…I will take my time to get to know him like I have. I think healing is happening to me for being able to be logical and concerned for myself, my life and for him. I used to let my emotions run my life, which I believe had led me to the narcissistic relationship.

    I owe this to you, Melanie. I have been learning about setting healthy boundaries, and about myself for fairer assessment of where I am at in my emotional and mental life and what to work on. I’m very excited about how this journey of self-discovery will turn out and where it leads me.

    Mariko

  • brittanyinoc@yahoo.com'
    Brittany
    March 13, 2012

    Thank you for this…I HAVE NOT STOPPED CRYING FOR 2 MONTHS STRAIGHT, FOR 6 TIMES A DAY…for a guy i was with for 6 years 🙁 i nooded my head yes to everything you wrote, when we meet HE WAS MY SOUL MATE..i loved him so much that i made it in my mind, he was the one! Even though the signs were there early that he had a bit of a drinking problem. HE WAS AN AMAZING person, fun, charming and handsome. i told him to get help and he did and was sober for 3 years, we started to plan a wedding and it seemed he wasnt happy. Always depressed and “on somehitng” i never could trust him even though i loved him…so i stuck it out. Only until my family started to hate him becuase of everyting he did…he left me and blammed my family. One week later he meet “the lvoe of his life he said” and was getting married to her someday and raising her 4 beautiful children. I CANT MOVE FORWARD..i cant stop crying and I want to know if ill ever love someone like that agian.

  • Melanie
    March 13, 2012

    Hi Brittany,

    it is so important that you get going with your healing so that you can recover and move forward. This includes reading, seeing therapists that can help you and healing your unhealed parts that have led to this heart break. Have you started accessing resources to do that? Because truly that it your solution, absolutely. Please email me direct at melanie@melanietoniaevans.com if you wish more specific information about ‘what to do’ in regard to your healing.

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    jac
    April 14, 2012

    Hi Melanie,

    Very helpful article and if I had of listened to my instincts when I knew the man ‘I fell in love with’ was all wrong, overly seeking attention, insistent on seeing me, even after I said no, not today or tonight and many many texts, emails and sulking or moody if I told him I need some healing time. I had just come out of a relationship with a man who suffered from OCD, after 4 years, when I met ‘the one’ who nearly killed me. He (ex N) rescued me, moved in with him after only 2 months of the last OCD relationship. I rescued him too and the game was played out for 3 years! It was something I needed at the time, confusing what I was feeling as love. He was very generous with buying me ‘gifts’ (he is a collector), buying gifts that he liked, to feed his obsession of collecting. I felt like I was one of his collections. He was very troubled and still is, but there is no hope for him to recover, as it is everyone else’s fault not his what happened between us. I am moving on now, even though I have days where I miss him-‘addiction’ I miss the good side of him, but it was never real enough for me to have a lasting meaningful relationship with for the rest of my life. His obsession with me still remains and I get emails saying things that just are not healthy. Obsessive fantacy love is just that-fantacy and very dangerous and unhealthy. The recovery programme, I feel is vital to become empowered to protect yourself and to fully recover. I still need some answers on how to handle things though as I have a long story about what has happened. Thanks Mel, I hope to talk to you soon. JC

  • Melanie
    April 16, 2012

    Hi Jac,

    Yes we all went against our instincts – absolutely! Yes and nearly all of us moved into these relationships way too fast, despite the childish and demanding behviour. With our cognitive dissonance, (believeng what we wanted to believe in order to justify the ‘off’ feelings)we came up with the stories ‘He acts like this because he loves me so much!’

    Correct! Obsessive, fantasy love is not healthy. Healthy love is not ‘over the top’ and the actions clearly match the words – consistently and solidly. It’s great that you want to do the recovery Program, and truly Jac, when you start doing the shifts in the MP3s, there is no more for the mind to try to explain and keep trying to ‘work it out’, all the confusion becomes detangled, your neuro net and peptides start creating healthy peptide cycles, and your brain re-wires into solidness, self-love, self-respect and the KNOWING of what is or isn’t healthy for you. Then narcissistic people are just Not Your Reality. Absolutely I provide support and answer questions for people working through the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, but you will find that the answers and relief just start dropping into place, and very quickly – even after the first MP3 healing.

    Bless Mel x

  • kduncan@ymail.com'
    K
    August 7, 2012

    I relate to the going round and round in circles you talk about and I want to get off this Merry GO Round!!!! I took careful notes.

    Me – 35 year marriage, gradually became unbrearable and he says it is my fault. Found out about continual long term lovers thruout marriage (that explains why there was always something missing so I tried harder!!!! thinking it was me!!!) He still denies this but I have done my homework and as he has aged he has gotten really sloppy about covering up. Current is 40 years younger who works at McDonalds we drive thru every day. “You won’t get me for my cell phone” he brags along with “I have long term relationships, not one night stands” and “You are the one with the problem, you are sick in the head and not loving enough”
    He cheats continually but says he is not and is happily married and not going anywhere!!! Never asks me how I FEEL!!!!

    Counselor gave me books that describe narcissism. Bingo!!!! He has no feelings, that is why he has no remorse and will never stop (he also has developed severe sex addiction, which also has escalated with age as most addictions do)

    Well, getting out of relationship will not be easy, emeshed in family business, adult children working for business, financial difficulties which entangle each and every person in the family.

    It is in my and my children’s best interests that I stay put for awhile but I begin the renewal program immediately!

    Sisters who have discovered this earlier in their relationships, be grateful.

    Sometimes I have a mental meltdown and get really depressed but I find with time I get thru it, it is like labor pains. With experience, you know it is something to be born (play on words) or endured and that you will come out on the other side.

    You are a God Send, Melanie!!!! Thank you, thank you – thank you!!. I cannot afford the book and other support items right now but as soon as I can I will purchase them and I have given this info to my counselor, who is very interested to learn about your site as well.

    Welcome TRUTH. God, give me the strength to see what I need to accept about myself and realize I cannot live thru another. Amen

    K

  • Sarawilliams19880@gmail.com'
    Sara
    January 15, 2013

    Thank you. I needed this today more than ever. Even though my time with the narcissist was brief in my head I keep telling myself I got out before the devaluing began and only had to deal with the sudden discard. I was in counselling myself and brought this up and he was diagnosed by 2 of the counselors as a narcissist so I know I am not going crazy! I ignored all the red flags as I was in a vulnerable position in an ending relationship (him telling me he loved me after two weeks, the constant attention of texting 50 times a day and wanting to see me all the time, after 2 days of talking to him he became very intense, talked about money and having all the best things even though he had a low paying job, very selfish, has cheated on all long term relationships, saw me talking to another man and joked he was better looking, sending me pictures constantly of his manhood and bragging about it.. the list goes on). But I find myself missing the illusion of this man who said I made him happy, that he never felt like this before, never kissed anyone like this before, that we were so much a like, that i was his dream girl. He also said to me he would have proposed .. proposed after knowing me a few weeks!!! It felt good to have this attention, being told how pretty i was every day. Now I see this was unhealthy love and I keep re-reading this article. I already saw after a few weeks that he could be selfish, looking out for himself, asking me about my finances but in a way that didnt seem wrong at the time. He wanted from me someone who looked good on his arm (always saying how he loved being with the most attractive person in the room, asking me if i was the hottest person in my office .. so concerned about looks and I do not even think of myself like that), someone who could pay his way, someone he could have as his supply while his relationship ended. I just felt in my gut something wasnt right and he turned very cold when it ended and I have not heard from him since. He was on about how much he loved me and the next day it was as if that was never said. I will keep re-reading this as I cry over my illusion because I want to heal and move forward I just need reassurance that this was an illusion. I do want to heal but I am stuck on this unhealthy love and knowing he has moved on without even a thought about me.

  • unpartitioned@gmail.com'
    Elroy Alexandra
    June 20, 2013

    Substance dependence, commonly called drug addiction, is a compulsive need to use drugs in order to function normally. When such substances are unobtainable, the user suffers from withdrawal. A drug user may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others. ;””..

    My web blog
    http://www.homelifestyledigest.comdd Elroy Alexandra

  • anacara@hotmail.com'
    Carrie
    April 10, 2015

    Yes, lots of good stuff here, BUT I know at least four (possibly more) “love-at-first-sight” couples, who are in very happy long-term marriages, so it IS possible.

  • josnza@gmail.com'
    JOS
    January 12, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Thanks for the lovely article, brilliant as always. Was just wondering how different would be the dynamics if it was directed towards men. Will the same apply to us or these points directed are specifically for women . I found it applicable anyway but was wondering as a male, is there any thing that would have to be different for us that needs special pointing out.
    thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 13, 2018

      Hi JOS,

      please know that for you, as a male, this article is exactly relevant as well!

      It is so about healing our parts that are tied into ‘replaying our wounds’ – hence unhealthy attraction and enmeshments. This is not gender specific 🙂

      Mel xo

  • soniajgale@yahoo.com'
    Sonia Gale
    January 13, 2018

    Love this Melanie. I’m on your NARP programme and at last beginning to get to the stage where I feel I can look back at an old version of myself; weeping, wailing and wondering when true love was ever going to come my way whilst at the same time downing packets of antidepressants and bottles of wine. Since spending a lot of time learning about the mechanics of narcissists behaviour – and mine through your blogs, videos and course, I’m starting to feel forgiveness towards my parents and also towards the narcissist. I don’t condone what he did but I am grateful for the life lesson he taught me. I’m starting to find peace. I’m seeing new guys in a new way, I don’t get that ‘heady rush of love’ any longer, I think ‘you seem a nice guy, let’s see how it goes’. I’m happy being me and living in reality instead of some illusion in my mind I projected onto the narcissist. I feel after a lifetime of being a victim, I’m finally getting there!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 13, 2018

      Hi Sonia,

      I am so pleased you are past that painful time in your life and healing. I love what you have written and power to you dear lady!

      Mel xo

  • angelikmaispastrop@gmail.com'
    Angelique
    February 4, 2018

    Fantastic article. I have come to that conclusion too after years of looking for “love”, keeping in the back of my mind (do I dare say it…) that it would be nice if my new guy looked better than my narc ex to piss him off and… prevent him from mocking me…

    I know, up there on the cringe scale!

    There goes a string of guys who fitted that bill but were a catastrophe with regards to what I really needed. I could not let go of that, I don’t know why now (lots of modules have happened in the meantime and time alone too).

    Recently, I got to know a man, not at all that type and in whom I was not at all interested, who turned out to be so good to me, truly and genuinely, every day, in the little and big things, for months, that I started looking at him in a different way, finding him unexplainably attractive. His unwavering kindness made me realise eventually that if you have that, you do not give two hoots what anyone thinks. The feeling of utter liberation is indescribable.

    I feel that’s exactly what Melanie is talking about and it is scary how pathetic can narcissistic abuse can make you act and for how long but things do change. Thanks Mel, again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2018

      Hi Angelique,

      awww I am soooo happy for you! I loved reading your post!

      Bless you Angelique and you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

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