Melanie Tonia Evans

When Is It Safe To Date After Narcissistic Abuse? Part 1

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I get asked this soooo often, and I mean so often!

This is what people ask …

“Is it time to date yet … because I’m struggling with being attracted to decent men … Why is that?”

Or … “I’m comparing everyone to the narc … no-one lights me up like he / she did. Why is this? I’m dating but it’s so painful …. it just makes me miss the narcissist more.”

Or  … “Every person I meet I find myself psycho-analysing them – trying to work out whether they are a narcissist or not. Is this the right thing to do?”

This is such a huge topic and of course ultimately it is healthy to want to create a love relationship, whether we have been abused or not. In fact we are all coded to do so (I believe) if we wish to.

But when is it healthy to start dating after abuse?

After being hurt by narcissists we are tentative, and if we are honest with ourselves and into self-responsibility and self-development we know we have had a tendency to attract and co-create abusive relationships.

And after the massive wake-up call of narcissistic abuse – clearly there is no way we want to go through that again – yet some of us do (I did twice), and many other people I know have done so as well.

So, we really do have to be mindful. We really do need to make sure we do our homework.

So … is our homework know thy enemy? As you read on I hope you understand that the homework is really all about ourselves.

Within this article I want to cover off these questions …

When is it the right time to date? How do we know when we are ready to date? And … how do we date healthily?

These are important questions that I will have great joy in addressing –  because I know this information is so vitally important for this community.

This topic is such a big one (there are many components), this is the first of a two part series.

 

What Does Being Ready For Dating Look Like?

I want to kick this article series off by setting the scene of the goal and then working backwards … in regard to “how to get there.”

And maybe it is the gorgeous dinner I’m out eating at the moment, as I write this, and the wonderful atmosphere that is making me feel really passionate about this.

I’m alone, I’m working … writing which I love.  I’m about to tuck into a wonderful Vietnamese seafood hotpot, and my glass of Sav Blanc is a toast to my Life – the joy I feel in my body, the purpose I have and the way I love spoiling myself in combination with working.

All because I can!

I’m going to write about two characters who I’ll call Jane and Debbie. These characters represent many people in this Community – the Thriver orientation representation and the not yet Thriver orientation side of things.

Please know this is not gender specific; these characters could be Jeff and Daniel – it’s just that women ask me about the dating question more often than men!

Okay so here we go …

Jane had been narcissistically abused. She realised deeply the reasons why she was narcissistically abused – that she was unconsciously attached to someone who represented her inner childhood unresolved programs, and that she used to hand her power over and cling to someone for approval and love no matter how much they hurt her.

As a result she had let go of the narcissists in her life (a partner and some family members and friends), detached completely, stopped trying to force these people to “love her better” and met and faced herself to do the deep inner work with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program on these inner childhood wounds.

During this time of two years of dedicated self-partnering Jane worked at consistently up-levelling the old fears that had led her unconsciously into abuse (assigning another person as her Source of love, approval, happiness and security) and she also made it her personal mission to “partner directly with Life.”

For the first time in Jane’s Life, after 50 years of previous abuse, she took this on … because she had had enough of the pain.

Jane worked on expanding her consciousness – healing through previous blocks in order to express and start connecting to her highest desires and greatest personal truths. Jane was studying her life’s passions, expanding her social networks, doing the pastimes that she loved and for the first time in her entire life loving life and feeling “whole” on her own.

Jane started dating when she felt that she finally had something to give to a relationship as a pure source of love and wholeness – rather than needing a partner to complete her. And in the dating and “life” process Jane was just as content to see a girlfriend on a Saturday night, or read a book and do some yoga or be out to dinner with a man.

A man (or not) was in no way any condition to her happiness and feelings of being “whole”, because Jane had made it her mission to know her own self-wholeness … to never again rely on someone’s approval and attention and be in precarious positions of living the lie of being with someone who wasn’t right, hanging on whilst being abused or regressing back to the powerlessness and helplessness of fuelling issues when someone was not giving her the love she needed to grant herself.

And she was way past male hook-ups, interactions and attention to simply fill the gaps until “someone better” came along.

Those days were over …

She also recognised the previous avoiding of her own egoic and security fears with “men to fill her gaps” was time lost when she could be healing them … so what was the point anymore? She knew no point when Life and her soul would just faithfully keep delivering them over and over again until she did heal them.

So, Jane for the last two years (and as a continuation process) recognised any time layers of these fears came up from her was precisely the time NOT to self-medicate with male company but to self-partner and heal them herself instead.

Her goal of a durable lasting soul-mate love, generated from mating her own soul first, was the prize she firmly had her eye on. And this was working for her, because Jane, even by herself was experiencing the bliss and feelings of incredible happiness on her own. So much so, at times, her heart was overflowing with love and joy. How delicious when she would one day be sharing this in healthy ways with someone!

Now on to our next character …

Debbie had also been through a lifetime of narcissistic abuse and unconscious relationships starting from childhood, yet her approach to recovery was completely different. Debbie had the belief that if she could just realise all the things that were wrong about the men before, and choose someone different that she would be able to find the right man. Debbie didn’t believe that there was any value in doing a “relationship fast”.

The truth was Debbie was depressed without a man, she was putting off the things in her own life that her soul was nudging her to do – because she was living the urgency of securing a man first.

There was always a man in Debbie’s life, one short term relationship after the next … and the same themes would continue to appear – control, incompatibilities, lack of respect … and even narcissistic behaviour.

Debbie was second guessing herself and confused, hanging on trying to prescribe to, change and fix men’s behaviour, and when finally she would realise the relationship was not going to work, she would come back to the shock of having experienced “yet another man who did not love and support her”. Like so many people who have been narcissistically abused, Debbie was terrified that her “partner chooser” was broken.

Did attraction mean he must be wrong? Was it better to pick someone that she had no chemical attraction to?

Why on earth, she mused, was she NOT attracted to men who turn out to be genuine and decent?

And this was a BIG question, which held some vital answers that would change everything.

 

Who We Are Attracted and Attractive To

I can’t tell you how many people over the years (woman and men) in this Community have asked me “Why can’t I be attracted to ‘decent’ people?”

I used to ask this question myself.

It has people baffled … and they think maybe it’s because “nice” people are not good-looking or boring … or maybe they are not “edgy” or “interesting” enough to be sexy.

Nope! It’s none of those things – but as always our mind is great at giving us all sorts of logical (false) justifications that are no-where near the real truth when life isn’t working out for us healthily.

The real reasons are not logical, they are deeply embedded in our subconscious programming. The reason we are not attracted to “decent people” is because we didn’t have love translate for us as “decent” when we were young – and therefore such a love is totally off our energetic radar.

What is our true point of attraction / attractiveness is identical love patterns to what our Inner Identity has translated as “love” (good or bad).

This is the subconscious interpretation of our childhood: “Mum / Dad you are hurting me but I will keep trying to prove to you that I am worthy of your love so that you will stop hurting me, and FINALLY I’ll be loved and FINALLY I will be safe.”

Now just slip in the next potential love partner’s name into the space where (Mum / Dad) was written …

This allows you to understand you are locked into ground-hog day love replays – re-experiencing the most profound of your inner childhood wounding over and over again.

And the SOOO Interesting thing is – even if you “know” your childhood wounding, (but have not healed it) you may purposefully choose someone you think is “decent” who turns out to be a pathological narcissist pretending to be “decent” (who ironically you get real attracted to when the bad behaviour starts) , or you simply cannot get physically and sexually stimulated by someone decent and the relationship becomes one of passionless convenience, or you downright push away and sabotage someone decent because it feels so incompatible with you.

I also promise you, that when you have “indecent” wounding which still exists in your subconscious you will have a completely different interpretation of what “decent” is to someone who doesn’t have indecent wounding in their subconscious.

You may argue about someone’s “decency” yet other people view their behaviour and character and shake their head.

When you heal, you will look back at the parameters you had as “decent” and you will be shocked that you thought that they were representative of healthy people and healthy relationships.

One of my Thriver girlfriends and I often laugh as we reminisce and laugh, “What were we thinking?!” … those previous women are a Universe away from how we feel and think today, yet back then it was so real for us.

In short … what will feel compatible with you is the person who is a perfect match for your childhood wounds. Someone who will bring up for you the matching terror of abandonment, fear of engulfment, the triggers of not being heard, of not being seen, or not having rights, or not be acceptable as you are … and the list goes on and on …

Now this may just seem like a really bad deal, a terrible function of the subconscious – replaying trauma over and over again, in such a “sneaky” way where you are chemically attracted to it, and will even experience “compelling justifications” in your mind to go down those paths – even when evidence presents to the contrary.

But it’s only “sneaky” when we don’t understand how important it is to wake up from the trance of unconscious human living to make our inner journey a high priority.

Because truly you are meant to do this. You are meant to go down these paths – because it’s a “soul contract.”

And what I mean by a soul contract is this: people are helping you heal something that you have never healed before – by smashing these unconscious parts open to make them conscious and bringing you to your knees to finally self-partner and resolve and heal your own inner wounding.

The unconscious parts that you weren’t going to and healing, despite previous lower level disappointments and reoccurring patterns, and even maybe some teachers crossing your path giving you the clues (Life does try to wake us up gently at first), and maybe the emotionally unhealed parts within you had tried to get your attention by appearing as physical issues.

And then maybe when that was not working, Life, working in partnership with your soul had to turn the volume up and take relationships from disappointing to painful and then to abusive in order to really get your attention.

The person bringing you the startling evidence of your wounding was never meant to heal it for you … and in fact as an adult no-one is coming to heal it for you – you are your own saviour – and then other people will start reflecting to you the essential relationship that you have up-levelled with yourself.

So … if you recognise that you are not attracted to “healthy” people … now you know why.

This I promise you … when you start healing and up-levelling your previous traumas you will lose all attraction to the people who represent them.

These people will no longer be an energetic match for you – and the people that will start standing out and shining to you will be the people who are healthy. They are the ones who will start to chemically “light up” for you, and these are the people you will start forming relationships with and be able to sustain healthy relationships with.

I can’t stress the following enough …

If I can inspire just ONE person who is struggling to be attracted to “decent” and “healthy” people to stop dating and do the inner work first – this article has done its job.

 

Can Someone Make You Happy?

This I will say … no-one can make you happy, and no-one can give you “yourself”. And once upon a time I resisted this truth. I struggled with it.

In fact “life” to me couldn’t happen unless someone else was involved.

The thought of taking myself out to dinner? Forget it!

The thought of enjoying my own company? Forget it!

The thought of travelling alone to experience the wonders of our earth?

No WAY!

I totally understand what it used to be like thinking, “I am no-one without a partner,” “I’m a failure without a partner,” and “Life is one dimensional without a partner.”

I was probably embarrassed to admit that in the past – but it was the truth. And this was an extremely dangerous position to be in, because when it came to continuing or walking away from a relationship my head would “convince” me why to continue, and I’d justify all the reasons away why I shouldn’t.

Also my neediness was preventing my necessary hiatus from men to truly heal the one real relationship I needed to get right – the one with myself.

The real reasons I didn’t spend time alone to deeply self-partner? Quite simply because I did not want to face the emptiness and the pain of my life being alone. So, naturally, my choices were coming from fear and neediness and certainly not from soul-alignment.

This is what I was doing … “You’re really hot and cute even though you are clearly a ‘bad boy’, I’m sure I can tame you”, or “On paper I think there is enough to choose you … things don’t feel really right, but I’ll “try” this on for size anyway …”

Yep, I had that whole “Bad boy big attraction – nice guy no attraction” thing going on.

And I’d get sick and tired of waiting and being single, so I’d chose people that weren’t right for me. And not all of them narcissists … but one thing was for sure these people rather than being able to turn my life from one dimensional into something more fulfilling and pleasing instead kept delivering the evidence of my inner wounds – over and over again.

How on earth would I attract and connect with a soul-mate, when I hadn’t mated my own soul yet?

I couldn’t and never would, because soul-mates come into our life after we become our own unconditional lover, healer and source of salvation … cell-mates come into our life to show us how we haven’t achieved that yet.

So these are the vital questions that we need to ask ourselves: “Am I happy without a lover in my Life? And … “Do I feel ‘whole’ on my own?” And … “Do I feel that I have resolved my inner pain, emptiness and previous relationship resentments (including from childhood)?” And … “Do I take responsibility for filling and healing my own neediness, or do I revert to the quick fix solution of needing to connect with potential mates to ease it?” And incredibly importantly … “Are I working at being my own Source of love, approval, mission, goals, purpose, growth and happiness?”

Because if you aren’t, what have you got to offer a relationship anyway? And no matter how much you disguise it as “loving”, you will be “giving to get” – and that can only ever be a love relationship fraught with conditions, partners who stay on with you reflecting back either co-dependency or / and narcissism, and unhealthy enmeshment and toxicity with at least one people trying to force the other person to grant them their own sense of self, and the other pushing back trying to force the same, or trying to pull away to escape the engulfment.

And the real truth is this: until you have truly accepted and loved yourself warts and all you will be terrified of someone else TRULY connecting with you. How can you allow true intimacy (In-To-Me-See) with someone else if you have not yet connected with yourself in this way?

You can’t …

This is what most relationships look like for this reason – they get close and someone pulls away, then someone desperately tries to reel it back in because of childhood abandonment wounds, then someone needs to sabotage again because of intimacy fears.

It’s called “drama”.

Healthy relationships comprising of two individually healthy people don’t have it … they just get on with Life and individuality which healthily connects as Love in the middle.

Healthy Love needs space to breathe …

Healthy Love needs the ability to NOT have the expectations of “getting” happiness or love.

True Love is the ability to “be” love and then share that without requirement.

Healthy Love requires being very real, and accepting others as they are, just as you accept yourself.

True Love is the honest sharing of what is inside of you with calmness, self-responsibility and without the fear of abandonment, rejection and criticism as a result of appearing “defective”.

And there is no way any of us can “do” Real Love, until we learn how to be that model in Life with ourselves and Life directly without a partner.

I hope this helps you realise you really need to date, love, heal and “be” with yourself in a very healthy capacity before dating.

And if you are not prepared to face those facts – then you will receive more of the same painful dances with potential mates until you do.

 

What Is Your Relationship With Life?

If you don’t have something that you’ve got going between You and Life, than you will make your partner “your Life” which is too much a burden for any human being, and it is NOT their job.

Your goal is to be a grown up looking for an equal partner in Life (Unity Consciousness) – having evolved beyond being a wounded child in an adult’s body looking for a “parent” to save you from Life (dependency, attachment and victimised consciousness).

So what does “partnering Life directly” look like?

It means having your own thing that has nothing to do with a partner, something that “lights you up” and gives your purpose.  And by no means does this have to be lofty … It may be that you donate time on a humanitarian level and this fulfils you enormously. Maybe you start studying a hobby you’ve always been interested in. Maybe you decide to start you own small business – one that expresses your unique contribution to the planet and humankind.

The truth is this: if you don’t have “your” sense of love and fulfilment that has nothing to do with a partner, then you are going to assign them with the impossible job of fulfilling you.

This is really dangerous, because now rather than have a relationship directly with yourself and Life, you have assigned another human being as your “Source” … which means this person now has the power to run and control your Life.

They can literally become “Your God” with the power to decide on your behalf what the state of your Life will be. And we need to stop blaming people for “imprisoning us” – when we willingly handed them that power.

This is the epitome of relationship powerlessness, and it is a terrible trap that virtually everyone who has been narcissistically abused fell into in some capacity – the assigning of another human being to be their Source of love, approval, purpose, happiness, security, survival, lifestyle etc.

This is the greatest relationship truth: People will always treat you in the identical ways that you treat yourself … and if people have not been supporting you, adding to you, and happy with you to have purpose and “self”, the reason is NOT because “people aren’t nice people”– it’s to do with people reflecting back to you the lack of support and self-partnering that you are already doing with yourself.

Now … just to clarify … in no shape or form am I suggesting that narcissists if you were healthily self-partnered would be different. If a person is unconscious and not self-partnered they are NOT capable of genuine love. What I am saying is that we will always attract and be attracted to people at the level of self-love that we are or aren’t being to ourselves.

Therefore, in regard to this section, my hugest recommendation is this …

Don’t date if you are not happy in Life on your own – because the relationship you end up in will only add to your unhappiness.

It certainly won’t improve it.

 

Should You Learn Everything There is to Know About Narcissists?

It’s pretty normal after being narcissistically abused to be paranoid about who you may date, but it’s certainly not healthy or safe to be like this. So many people purport that learning everything there is to know about narcissists will keep you safe in the future as you start meeting people.

I am here to adamantly tell you from personal experience –  as well as being privy to thousands of people who have been narcissistically abused – that not only is this no defence, its actually one of the most dangerous orientations possible that will almost ensure you will hook up with another narcissist again.

One of the falsest expressions is “Knowledge is Power” … in fact I cringe any time I see anyone post this on social media. Because I know these people are firmly in their head and are not doing the work on their inner subconscious programming.

Knowledge is NOT power, it is information. The shift into a New Self is power – anything less than that is some “mind material” that has no real power. The reason being is because your logical mind is only responsible for 5% of your entire life generation, as opposed to where your life is really emanating from – your almighty subconscious, which is 95% of your life unfoldment.

And this is regardless of what your “head” would prefer to choose and do, and it has nothing to do with how much information you obtain about narcissists.

Seriously … narcissistic abuse is NOT logical. The reasons we were prone to it were not created logically, and if it was logical we would never have clung to someone experiencing so much destruction when everything we knew logically made doing so “insane”.

Abuse is not lived out “logically” and it will never be solved with “logical” information – if it was we all would have SIMPLY learnt what we needed to know, leave and be recovered!

If you go onto standard Abuse Forums which share copious amounts of information about narcissists – every imaginable source of information available on the internet – you will see these people are in terrible shape. In fact the more information shared about narcissists the worse off people are.

Why is this?

Because these people are NOT healing for one vital reason – every moment they spend in shaming, blaming and learning about narcissists is another precious moment they are denying themselves of their own self-partnering love and healing.

With what I know about true narcissistic abuse recovery today (which works prolifically in this Community) I am astounded how anyone logically can deem that IS recovery. In fact it is ONLY re-traumatising people deeper and deeper than the original job the narcissist did to them.

Rather than these people get well and avoid narcissists, what happens is they attract more of their own focus (energy flows were attention goes) more of their traumas, more of their peptide addictions to abuse and victimisation chemicals, and they certainly have not healed their Inner Identity in order to access another life trajectory that is not abuse-riddled.

These are the people MOST likely to suffer ongoing abuse consequences with present narcissists, and attract more abuse from a variety of sources in the future.

Therefore IF you believe that you will get armed with knowing every red-flag about narcissists so that you can be safe in the dating process …

I urge you NOT to delude yourself.

So … I hope that Part 1 is already starting to answer your questions, and in Part 2 next week, I want to share with you how to show up in the dating process, and how that is a powerful gauge granting you the feedback as to whether or not you are ready to date.

… as well as much more!

Please know my 3 keys To Thriving After Narcissistic October Webinar Group is now open for registration. ]

Today we are starting an amazing journey together which includes 17 days of interactive workshops, powerful healing tools, a chance to connect to people all over the world who are healing just like you … as well as my free 3 hour tele-class coming up in October.

I’d love you to join me and other people from all over the world, to heal from abuse and up-level to true freedom, empowerment and love.

And True Relationships!

Click here to join instantly.

 

If you have had a positive dating experience after narcissistic abuse i’d love you to share it with the community. Please share insights such as when you knew it was right, how you changed your approach to dating and what did the end result feel like.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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59 Thoughts on When Is It Safe To Date After Narcissistic Abuse? Part 1
  • stephencoleman95045@gmail.com'
    Stephen
    September 25, 2015

    There was no way I could date after my divorce. I didn’t care if I lived or died, it was all the same to me. I was so paranoid it seemed every woman out there was a narcissistic cannibal. I didn’t want friends and just preferred to be alone.

    Somebody told me I should remarry and I told her I would rather die alone under a bridge somewhere. EVERYBODY JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!

    I knew this was not normal, I knew I was paranoid. I began working on myself, one step at a time, the traumas, hatred, lack of control, rage and anger, lack of safety, blame..etc…

    Today I’m remarried to a wonderful lady, we are both into healing and have so much in common. It been 2 years since we married, no more dramas, lies, control or the endless blaming and guilting. I could never have dreamed how much better both of our lives have become.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 25, 2015

      Hi Stephen,

      that is so wonderful that you put the work into yourself, and you have reaped the benefits.

      So lovely to hear about your healthy new relationship,

      Congratulations to both of you!

      Mel xo

    • 32ar5b2q6@gmail.com'
      Hannah
      November 8, 2016

      This “free sharing” of inaoomftirn seems too good to be true. Like communism.

    • ifldgkrftrv@yahoo.com'
      progressive auto insurance in allentown pa
      November 12, 2016

      I am glad Contribution. Was’t a few was basically details on attempting to find but since Simply put i researched Google and bing this page emerged outside looked out and thus want to at the least thanks.

    • dt2iemtjyt@hotmail.com'
      kfz versicherung fahrleistung staffelung
      February 6, 2017

      Spot on Iaconia.Could it be, Stefan, that if there is a greater power who has planned a system that requires death that He will not allow us to create immortality in the first place? Think on this…. conversely, the day someone is resurrected or gains immortality it spells doom for Christian theology. It will be fun to sit back and watch man/science try to defy Christian theology ….either outcome will be tremendously important.

      • gracefilledmom@yahoo.com'
        C
        March 19, 2017

        To: kfz versicherung fahrleistung staffelung

        God did not plan a system requiring death. It was a consequence of sin.

        Jesus Christ came to redeem us from the effects of sin, eternally. He was resurrected and is immortal. He is the basis of Christian theology. He is our hope.

        One day, we will rise with Him, and see Him in all his resurrected glory. 🙂

    • 5alox7e64q@mail.com'
      http://www.kreditzuniedrigenzinsen.info/
      February 17, 2017

      It’s much easier to understand when you put it that way!

  • bamcam@yahoo.com'
    Barbara
    September 25, 2015

    In my experience this article is dead on.

  • me@petermccormack.co.uk'
    Mac
    September 25, 2015

    I am definitely still in the process of healing 2 years on, divorce is nearly complete but along the way I have met someone who is wonderful. Everything my wife isn’t, honest, loving, caring, affectionate, loyal. I still have inner demons but I am rolling with it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 25, 2015

      Hi Mac,

      so important, really to let go of those demons …

      If we don’t deal with our demons, they deal with us.

      I wish you all the best with that.

      Mel xo

  • agapetoujours@gmail.com'
    liz
    September 25, 2015

    Dear Mélanie

    May I share my experience with loving a narcissic?
    4 years in torture for loving so deeply a man who saw me as 2 dimensions…he was unable to feel empathy or share a real open discussion. No concrete behaviours showed that he would sustain our relation. It was as if each time we were together was the first time.
    Intense always but no evolution. I forced myself to take distance from him but i kept searching contact…
    Now i am with a healthy and good man. A relationship that is stable and growing and i feel better in general.
    But will i suprise you if i confess that in my deep inner space the only man i love and will love is the narcissic….i accepted to.push aside this powerful wave of love that lives only with and through this narcissic unavailable person….
    And i accepted to.live a more stable and peaceful relation..
    A reasonable sustainable relation vs a tormented passionate love

    This is my story…..a secret story in fact

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 25, 2015

      Hi Liz,

      it doesn’t surprise me at all … in fact those feelings are stock standard … they caused all of us to move on and then go back, or move on and then not be able to – or / and break No Contact a multiple of times.

      That was until we found out what the “thing” or “things” inside us keeping us connected to abusers that represented our own inner unresolved stuff.

      It happened to me, it happens to nearly everyone I have ever worked with in regard to N-abuse …

      Its Pema Chodren – the famous quote – “nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.”

      For myself and others once that was done, I promise you ZERO attraction or connection – when once there was one so compelling it felt like it would exist for eternity.

      It’s a choice to “take it at face value” or go deeper …

      Mel xo

    • ricki.subel@gmail.com'
      R
      September 28, 2015

      After starting new relationships with people, all narcissistic unfortunately, I would feel a deep longing for my most recent ex lover. I would feel guilty, miss them, cry…I spoke to my therapist about this because I couldn’t understand why after all they had done to me, I was still “missing” them and wanting them to be in my life. She told me, which makes so much sense now, that I was crying for my inner child. The love and missing and all the good things I had always projected outwardly upon my lover were things I needed and could have rather been applying towards my self care, which would have given space to more boundaries and better healing instead of just going from one of these void-laden situations to the next. When I started to think of it that way and talk to my inner child and comfort her instead, I understood what that process was and carried it with me through my then present relationship with another doomed candidate. By the end of that relationship, I didn’t feel like I had lost much, because all the while I had been nurturing my inner child and putting up more and more healthy boundaries whenever possible. I truly believe all of that work I put into myself in spite of the outstanding circumstances helped me to come out relatively unscathed and ready and able to quickly go in to self-love and compassion and strength mode. Maybe you miss something else when you miss your ex- maybe it’s an innocent part of you that’s now matured and hardened or maybe it’s still feeling guilty of ashamed that you did that to yourself. There’s countless ways to address it, but it’s all in you.

      • agapetoujours@gmail.com'
        liz
        September 30, 2015

        Dear R

        You are talking about healing our inner child…
        Since 4 years i am exploring this “missing” feeling. I explored with many different techniques but this “missing him” hurting feeling is still inside me. I accept it and live with it, sometimes with sadness or melancholy and sometimes joking about it….
        Melanie says as you say first take care of that “thing”. Could be our inner child, could be many things….i didn t not find a way excluding this pain but i am on a path of living with my misding piece…
        So strange the impact of loving too much the wrong person, isn t it?
        Still….it s all about Love

        • Amacause@gmail.com'
          A hope
          October 11, 2015

          Your missing piece you speak about is just that… YOUR missing piece. Read the book by shel Silverstein. He was meant to be an adult writer not for children btw… But at the end of the book he realized he didn’t need anyone to fill that missing piece. I never understood fully and accepted and enjoyed that book as much until now. After my N relationship, I have discovered so much about myself and still learning. I have learned that part of my journey was what it was and I am thankful it got me here because now I fully embrace and love the parts of me even the part that was once missing. Most of this is not that it was missing at all but just a perception based on wounds that needed to be addressed. Yes, through writing to my inner child and learning a new healing way to talk to myself instead of a negative self talk that I learned from how I was brought up and partly by the way I would talk myself through pain as a child through a bully coaching method, I have begun to repair parts of me I didn’t realize were there. My belief system was so covered up and so deeply entrenched that it took me awhile to even acknowledge it was there! Once I did I found it was easier to address. I was so dissociated from it. Now, its easier but still takes work to see it and call it out and address it. It creeps up at times and I have to keep working at it, but as I do (and my willingness to do so is strong) that old wound and fear of failure and not being good enough he’s less powerful and I feel myself maturing and getting strong and that once old huge hidden wound is getting so small that it barely has any control over me now. It will soon be just an impression, distant memory, and I’m happy for it had so much control over me that I never realized and it made me live a life that held be back in so many ways. Freedom to life and all it really has available is a perfect gift after such a stormy life! Walk away from the storm. Don’t focus on it and walk away from it. Change your focus. You will be quite amazed how much life has to really offer and how much better it can be! Not just pretend not just imitation no lie! Truth will set you free. Be brave be honest be courageous and face the truth face the fear and work through the feelings no matter what and I promise its not as bad as you think!!

  • kristindm34@aol.com'
    Kristin
    September 25, 2015

    What I fear is my story is like Liz. Word for word. I have recently gone NC. But for the past 5 years I have loved a narcissist. And this love was stronger to me than any love I have ever experienced. The 5 years had breaks. In between I would meet loving caring good men. But no one swept me away like the narcissist. I hate that I have this feeling/burden that true love must be like that. Why do I think that is a good and desirable love? Why do I think that is love? Why do I still want that love? It was never reciprocal. Still. I remain NC and it has been 2 weeks..

    • agapetoujours@gmail.com'
      liz
      September 25, 2015

      Dear Kristin

      Thanks for sharing your similar experience…To me it was ans still is the hardest thing to do: accept and live without true love.
      How i understood it is that Love IS unconditional…and so Love does not take into consideration our “conditions” our human.conditions. True love is so immense and for an unknown reason this Love vibrates in us when we are with that One narcissic…
      But our human condition cannot experiment this unconditional love ..it is too strong.
      The good thing about it is at least we would have felt what it could be…but in this world we need to be reasonable and therefore stay with a good reaaonable man…
      For me That Love is in a pandorah box that i should not open anymore…..so it is.

      Good luck for you too Kristin ! We are on the same journey

      • lovepeaceharmonytruth@hotmail.com'
        Jeri
        September 26, 2015

        Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could experience this divine true everlasting love in our human bodies? I think this is something we as humans are working towards and will someday become a reality. On my healing journey I’ve discovered so many things we take as beliefs are actually just widely held “truths” that we need to change and replace with something better. In my experience, narcissistic partners can come in the form of nice guys as well as bad boys. When you self partner and become the genuine you, you’ll be able to see through the disguises easier and find someone who is also genuine who will reflect back to you what is inside yourself. If you are genuine and reflect unconditional love, you will be able to attract those with the same qualities. If you still have childhood wounds to uplevel, then romantic partners, friends and co-workers will reflect back to you what you need to work on.

        • marywandera@gmail.com'
          Mary
          March 9, 2017

          This is so true!!!! I’ve experienced it personally. NC for me, for life. I love unconditionally and accept people as they are. I don’t try to change them. I just observe them and try to figure out what their problem is. Overtime I realize what they are blaming me for generally inside themselves and I cut them off. But there is always that one narc that lives with us forget. I feel like his soul is trapped in me and I have this void I can’t fulfil. But I found a partner I actually want to spend the rest of my life with and he allows me to be independent and fill this void myself with his support. It’s out there. True love in the form of friendship. Don’t lose hope.

      • girl_tuesday27@yahoo.com'
        JarWithAHeavyLid
        September 26, 2015

        It isn’t unconditional love. If it were unconditional love the narcissist would be still in your life and you’d be letting him/her abuse you, showing yourself no respect.

        The narcissist came into your life FABRICATING who he/she was by MIRRORING you. This means, in effect, that you’re really in love with your projected self. You fell in love with the feelings that the narcissist MANIPULATED you to have, and you are only addicted to these FEELINGS, not in love with the narcissist. How can you love someone that you cannot know? The narcissist doesn’t even know who he/she is him/herself! There is only a false self there. Best to find out who YOU are than compare the narcissist with people who could possibly really love you.

        You’re romantising someone who mistreats all people they ever come into contact with. You have false memories where you remember the emotion and not the actions.

        “True love always brings joy to ourselves and to the one we love. If our love does not bring joy to both of us, it is not true love” ~ THICH NHAT HANH, Teachings on Love

        Personally, I believe that I was not available to love someone (because I did not love myself), and I attracted someone to myself who was not available to love me (as he didn’t and CANNOT love himself). So really, unless you work on truly loving yourself, you will never find a true love which is moreover – to have compassion, to respect, to regard, to care for, to offer companionship, to love by action. Love is, more importantly, a verb, not only the noun – and the narcissist conditionally offers only the noun.

        • agapetoujours@gmail.com'
          liz
          October 1, 2015

          Dear JarwithaHeavylid

          Thank you for what you say…you are probably right.
          Take care
          Liz

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 25, 2015

      Hi Kristin,

      exactly as my comment above – if you truly want to find out and free yourself from this, please come into my next Webinar Group http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar – we start workshopping on the inner discovery and healing on all of this tomorrow.

      It will be a huge eyeopener for you.

      Mel xo

    • samantha.greenall@gmail.com'
      Jade
      September 29, 2015

      Hey Kristen,

      I just wanted to say I’m almost at three months NC and although I was crazy in love with my ex boyfriend (obviously a narcissist..) in the time I’ve gained perspective and understood the truth about the “love” we shared and I promise you if you stick to NC you will start to be released from the fantasy of this person. And it IS a fantasy.
      Focus on yourself. The only question that matters is “what in me made me a good match for a narcissistic relationship”. You start answering that question and I promise you the lust, the intense addiction, the irresistible pull..it fades. And it’s replaced with hope. Calm. Almost disbelief. There is no single person any more deserving of your love on this planet than you. It’s the beginning of everything. Be brave. I’m not all the way there..but if you’d seen me before, on the floor, drunk bloody and half dead begging to stay with a person who treated me so brutally…now in therapy, meditating, taking responsibility for myself. I can hardly believe it. X

  • aishahabiba43@gmail.com'
    Aisha
    September 25, 2015

    Melanie I’ve been reading your articles and one thing I’ve failed to understand is this: “people treat you the way you treat yourself. Narcissists expose your inner childhood wounds”. Okay I’m not in denial but that doesn’t apply in all situations, unless of course I’m not dealing with narcissists in my case. I for example treat myself with respect, would never settle for anything less than I deserve,know my boundaries, I’m not afraid to speak my mind, never dated because I’m still trying to build a career. But at the office I have experienced “unjust” treatment at least from my perspective,smear campaigns, everyone not talking to me, stealing my money(financial abuse), and as soon as I experience that I just up and leave (gone through that twice). I’m no expert but I think to some extent, we need to accept that surely not everyone is a well adjusted adult. As a woman in Africa ,if you are a strong woman that is enough to “attract” a mob of very negative people who want to teach you a lesson and take you down a peg or two. All I’m saying is that in some contexts and cultures, if your light shines too bright ,people won’t like it and in this case it’s got everything to do with THEIR own wounds that they need to heal.

    • Susanna_smith@btinternet.com'
      Susan
      September 25, 2015

      It’s not just in Africa. If you’re good at your job and love doing it, the people who aren’t good at their jobs and don’t love doing the work for its own sake will go for you. All hatred and bad behaviour comes from fear. They fear you.

      WRT N Abuse, in a way you should be flattered one of these monsters attached itself to you — they like the best. But however great you are, everyone has flaws and insecurities. Once you are committed THEN they will get to work. A confident ‘up-leveled’ person won’t take it and will leave… why? Because they can. They know they can cut it alone.

      In fact a good pointer for an N is how long has he/she’s spent alone out of a relationship before they met you. If it’s less than 18 months, I’d say be on your guard. Healthy people who truly love and split, take about 2 years to get over their last love. That’s me anyway. I know this because if I see them by chance a couple of years later in the street, I feel ZERO – completely neutral. The fundamental point about Ns is they can’t bear to be alone for more than a month or two – it’s torture for them, even though they are probably the ones who abandoned a relationship.

      Real people quietly (or not so quietly) grieve, gradually recover and don’t go for false fixes like holidays, drink and drugs, or new dates. They keep their lives real and face up to reality however bad it feels.

      • aishahabiba43@gmail.com'
        Aisha
        September 26, 2015

        Thank you Susan and Melanie for your responses.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 25, 2015

      Hi Aisha,

      if we have judgement … we attract judgement. If there is behavior we don’t “like” and we have strong emotional residue about that – we continue to attract it. Saying “no” to something with high negative emotional content is in fact saying “yes” to it.

      Aisha I used to be very “righteous”, very “judgmental” and used to “persecute” people (even if only in my mind) the very types of people who “persecute” . I used to attract persecution in all sorts of settings often (it was a life theme).

      When I did the work inside my body and found the original traumas and released them – no longer did I judge people (I realized they were wounded), no longer did I fear persecutions or “hate” it, and no longer did I have any need to defend my character when I was in my body self-partnered knowing my own worth – regardless of what others thought of me or said about me.

      Before that I was constantly plagued with persecution and highly emotionally triggered by it – NO matter how much I stood up for myself or declared I demanded better treatment.

      Now, seriously it’s like – yeah “whatever!” And it goes nowhere!

      However, for you … you can stay the way you wish to be – you don’t need to take my word for it – and it wouldn’t be until you did the work at that inner level that you would understand why it does work, or why so many people in this Community have transformed their lives out of drama and pain (which of course culminated to N’s) to living a reality where that just doesn’t happen any more.

      That change was all to do with inner work.

      When you have experiences such as Past Life regression or Life Between Lives (which I have deeply experienced and / or facilitated) you realize there is a much bigger wider picture going on … that every soul is choosing either a karmic repayment for what they themselves did, or an experience for soul evolution.

      And without that understanding – yes it all could seem like a rubbish deal with no meaning to it …

      That of course is the victim view that doesn’t get us through to evolution. If I had kept that view (I used to have it) I would not be alive today – and I know many others who would never have made it either.

      We had had enough of the pain to go deeper and change the only person we ever have the power to work on and change – which is ourselves.

      Again you don’t need to believe it, or work with that – you can choose to stay with the experience you are having and fight to hold onto it.

      And that too – will be perfect for the experience you are choosing to live out – in the way you decide to.

      Mel xo

  • aishahabiba43@gmail.com'
    Aisha
    September 26, 2015

    Melanie I completely agree with everything you say,perfectly. I don’t believe in playing victim either. I don’t think I’m judgemental,on the contrary, I think I’m an open minded person. But at my age, I’m 25 , if you are single for example, people don’t like it and I’ve been told several times that women should not be single. If a rich man hits on you and you turn him down,politely, they will say you think you are better. If your male work mates hit on you and you turn them down, that’s enough to set a “mob” upon you. I don’t have a problem with people dating or staying single, so why is that people cannot respect that? Not that I’m seeking their validation. I have ever lost a job because I turned down my boss and because he was rich and powerful, he was not used to taking no for an answer. At work , I like to focus on the job and not hang out in cliques. It doesn’t mean I think I’m better ,I just want to do my job. Now when people are gossiping at the office and you don’t join in ,you obviously become a target. That is why I joined your forum ,because the second time it happened barely 2 weeks into my job and yes ,if the problem is on my side ,I am more than willing to rectify it . That is why I am here…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2015

      Hi Aisha,

      this is exactly what I am talking about – this topic is no different from any other topic that is “happening” to us.

      I promise you every time … if you had the technique to go inside you body and your focus was “inner” you would find – point blank – the reason why this is happening in your experience.

      It could be an ancestral belief a DNA belief – but it is a belief – and it is YOUR belief people are reflecting back. A belief you are not enjoying.

      I’ll give you this example … I used to have a horror of being single … I thought “women are a failure if they don’t have a man” … everywhere I used to go people would ask, “Why are you single?” … “I can’t believe you have not found anyone..” .. and when I was unconscious … it used to drive me crazy. I used to think “WHY do peeps have t make such a BIG deal out of me being single. I really hate that!!” Because it just rubbed it it in face even more.

      And “that” had been going on since I was in my 20’s left alone in my 40″s!” …

      Aisha, the bottom line was when I got in my body and found Past Life as well as generational beliefs – all very painful – as well as stuff I had taken on from my Mum who had NEVER been without a man … all about “It’s not okay or even safe for a women to be alone” and uplevelled that – ALL of it from the outside ceased … ALL those comments.

      Completely stopped … as they always were going to!

      Now you are saying – you are okay with being single. But there is “something” going on – in regard to this experience … because there HAS to be for it to trigger you, and there has to be for it to be a point of contention in your experience.

      But until you get into your subconscious to find it you are assuming with the 5% power of your life unfoldment (logical mind) that there isn’t anything dwelling there within the 95% of your entire life generation (subconscious).

      Aisha we could go through every example and it is the same formula.

      You state you don’t want to play victim – but let me grant you the biggest piece of advice that boy my life would have been different if I did at 25, instead of finally accepting it at 40 ..

      Every time you say “Why do people do that?” – you are completely handing power away. Because I know that … my initial response is a little cheeky … kinda like “Why the hell don’t you ask them?!” … Because really we have NO control over anyone else .. and trying to work”them” out is the most futile of orientations …

      Hence another reason why I state “stop it” it equals how to lose. If you are not going to confront people and ask them … and then often discover that what is going on for them actually has nothing to do with the “trip” we might be doing in our own heads, and instead recognise our own painful triggers and perceptions and patterns and get inside our own bodies to heal those … we discover life starts unfolding and changing really pleasantly.

      That is what evolving ourselves beyond previous states is all about.

      The outer matches the inner always.

      You have been reading my stuff for some time … so why don’t you come into the present webinar Group (which is just kicking off on Private Facebook Group) and start doing the inner investigation and work.

      Maybe you’re ready and maybe you are not. But if you are you will find it fascinating – as well as your true answers.

      Mel xo

  • howdyags@sbcglobal.net'
    Larry
    September 26, 2015

    My fiance’ forwarded to me your blog and I have a question. My fiance’ struggles with overcoming demons caused by her ex-husband who is a narcissist. What advice can you give as to the best way that I can help encourage and support her? Is it talking through things? Is it just listening? All of the above? I see how damaging a narcissist is and I want to help her. However, I am ignorant as to the best way to help and certainly don’t want venture down the wrong path.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2015

      Hi Larry,

      the best suggestion I can ever grant is this: give her space to heal – but don’t be the rescuer.

      Also, its very important that you don’t be “the dump master” for her pain or projections of her pain.

      That actually enables people not to heal, and transfers dependencies that they used to have for Ns (one of the greatest reasons they were in such a relationship) to another person.

      The most healthy thing we can ever do for others is to be healthy ourselves, and “healthy” means that we have our limits and truth, which is expressed with love and solidness, and we say to people ” I support you enough to hold the space for you to heal, but I can’t heal you for you ..”

      If you try to … then you are fostering a co-dependent relationship …

      Is she interested in healing her demons and taking responsibility for them, or has that be assigned as your job? (And maybe you assumed that position).

      For her to be healthy and you to be healthy … her wounds are her job. Your wounds are your job … such as maybe patterns of rescuing people … and anything else that either of you are unravelling from your past – and helping each other “see” (that’s what relationships do).

      If she is ready to heal and do the work then I would refer her on to my Webinar Group http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and support her journey.

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    September 26, 2015

    Hello Mel. I posted on your facebook page about my narc #2 experience…. a bad sequel to the first narc drama! I adore this article and the synchronicity is awesome. Narc 2, bad boy, has the brilliance of narc 1, but with a temper. He does seem to have some capacity for empathy, so maybe not entirely a narc, but truly a complex man, who also happens to be much younger than me, which is trippy. The attention, attraction has been intense. I was prime meat. I work with him and we live in the same building so as my brother tells me, I am pissing in my own pool. Working the modules is helping me remember my value and worth, because regardless of who he is, or what he is, I KNOW he is not someone who can be a true partner. I KNOW there is no future with him, which is exactly why I am there, avoiding in fear, loving partnership. It has revived in me the longing for my mother, whose love I chased my entire childhood. It is the same visceral pain, that is screaming to be healed. Maybe now this gift will bring me to my knees and with full surrender, bring me to that place of true and real homecoming. In the bible it says, that shalt have no other Gods before Me. True Source, does not share the throne with anyone or anything. I need to break again, and let God lovingly meet me in the mess. Thank you for this incredible post, and for helping so many, including myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2015

      Hi Ruth,

      You are so welcome 🙂

      Great realization regarding what this is really all about.

      Its so true Ruth, it is about the inner surrender inwards to fully meet these wounds, claim them and up-level them.

      There is really no other way .. and that’s when the incredible change, freedom and transcendence begins.

      Life is only ever sending us “angels” to be able to do that – free those parts of ourselves.

      That’s exactly why he stepped into your path.

      Mel xo

  • terryfischer39@yahoo.com'
    Mistea1
    September 26, 2015

    Great post Melanie
    It fits in just a little ahead of where I’m at so I can learn. After my marriage ended many many years ago I never did seriously try again. This past January 2015 I went NC from one who really triggered the neuro peptides hugely. I kept fussing around and finally in June completely moved out of that situation. Then in August I went traveling with a relative and visited other relatives and found my brother was the worst one. (fatal accident potential this time.) So I guess this is finally NC again starting in August.

    I am grieving the relatives. They’re family! I know I’m not ready to date because I’m mentally hiding in the bushes waiting for the attack. If someone looks at me cross-eyed I ‘know’ what they are. I can’t drive by a certain building without thinking of ‘you know who.’

    Maybe I won’t try for another relationship next year. Maybe I’ll just be me and then we’ll see. I’ve gone so long being on my own and happy there. I know it’s been written somewhere that having a love relationship is very good for evolving spiritually. Comment? I want to do what’s good for me but not if it means another immature, abusive relationship. I’ve already been there, done that. Thanks for the excellent post.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2015

      Hi Mistea1,

      I am glad you enjoyed this article.

      It is really important to address the pain and greif in our body first – and then be able to feel expanded and radiant – and therefore be safe.

      I will be writing more about that next week in Part 2.

      At the moment, it is really important for you that you self-nurture, self-love and heal.

      That’s okay to drop out of connections for a while – it is a necessary hiatus.

      You will know when it is time to re-emerge as you as the new improved model 🙂

      And when it is time you won’t be able to stop yourself – I promise you!! (In a healthy way)

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    September 26, 2015

    You may be signed in someone else’s wordpress profile. You can create your own wordpress profile here: http://en.gravatar.com/

  • adeltripura@yahoo.com.au'
    Trish
    September 26, 2015

    I always take away alot of insight from these articles, this one is no different but has also raised more questions and I would like your perspective on counter dependence in relation to narc abuse and dating.
    I have done many years of personal, emotional, energetic and spiritual work. I have lived, traveled overseas many times, run a successful business, attended workshops & retreats, eaten in public- all of these things on my own for over 20 years. I have found my passion in health & healing which is also my business focus, I branched away from my family’s religious beliefs and had to courage to follow my own spiritual path even though it was barely tolerated. I have moved across the country to a new city a few times when I felt the inner calling. My problem is that I’m almost too independent, I’m actually exhausted at having to do everything, make every decision, and spend day after day without primary support, I would probably say its a pathalogical lonliness I’ve felt since being a child who realised from early on that my parents weren’t able to meet their own, or each others needs let alone mine, perhaps that hopelessness still lingers.
    I find it hard to meet men that have similar values, thats my story anyway but on a deeper level I’m sure I’m terrified of being in a situation that I can’t get myself out of as I was for the first 20 years of my life with a narc father/BPD mother. With my last partner I realised after 8 weeks it wasn’t going anywhere but I stayed with him for a year in a casual relationship as I was so tired of being on my own, it sounds pathetic but I didn’t want to spend another cold, southern winter sitting on my couch alone.
    I have positive, nurturing relationships with siblings, friends and colleagues, I’ve weeded out alot of the narcs from my life (incl parents) but its not the same as sharing your life with someone on a daily basis where you know and care for each other deeply. For many years I knew I was too emotionally unhealthy to form a good relationship so avoided them, now I find its such a default I don’t know how to do any different.
    I’ve only discovered narc victim syndrome & narc abuse this year thanks to a traumatic experience with a share house. Not wanting to live alone, I found a good share situation that fell apart when the nice guy owner got another flatmate in who turned out to be a narc & alcoholic and was so manipulative he convinced the owner I was lying about his chain smoking and drinking through the day so I had to move out as the narc was bullying me out of the house, as I knew the truth & wouldn’t play the game. I researched, as this had been a constant pattern for me & could not just be bad luck. After so many yrs, therapists, dollars etc- its unbelievable that no one even picked it up, I discovered it from the internet on sites like yours that explained retraumatisation which has also completely exhausted me as I’ve had to struggle with these situations where my life has been upended many times by myself, I don’t think its healthy anymore, the strain is grinding. Anyway, apologies for the epic response, any insights would be appreciated!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2015

      Hi Trish,

      sure I’d love to help you with this …

      My first question is: Have you ever gone directly into your subconscious to work on the “pathological loneliness” and up-level it? And is that inner program still running within your subconscious. If you still “feel” it’s there its there … which mean it will continue to play out – no matter what you “do”.

      Especially if it has emotional charge attached to it.

      I think you have definitely identified that – as well as the fear of engulfment.

      Hence why your subconscious is keeping you single – because “love equals engulfment / annihilation” … you will absolutely have Past Life material on this as well (hence why the continuation of the childhood that was magnestised, because these traumas were still in your energy field.)

      Yes… so true Trish when the traumas are still in our subconscious the N’s keep coming – so that we can awaken – make the unconscious conscious and release and up-level these traumas once and for all.

      Trish, truly your story is all of our story … you just need the way to heal this. Do NARP – truly.

      The way out is NOT complicated. You will see.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      And if you want to learn more about it before your start the Program come into the Webinar Group that is operating now – we are already in full swing in the Private Facebook Group.

      Mel xo

  • deborahnfox@gmail.com'
    Deborah
    September 27, 2015

    Melanie,

    Thank you for reviewing this topic. I have been a follower since 2012 and you are correct with regard to fully healing inner wounds before dating. I believe I didn’t do that as a young adult and it allowed the most evil person into my life. I’ve read, prayed, talked, cried, screamed, exercise-yoga, and listened to your radio show for years. This segment however confirm what I still feel three years later and that is, I’m not ready to date. I’m still healing from 25 yrs of an illusion, almost half my life. I did exactly all the things you spoke of. I had to learn all about this personality disorder to understand it and determine if that is truly what occurred. Once it was absolutely clear and after blaming myself for staying, I had to eventually let go day after day after day. I can’t play victim because I have children to raise and a life to get on with. I have significant trust issues and I’m concerned about my life beyond my children. Each day I’m thankful to begin anew even though I don’t have a partner. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong man. Your words and listening to others stories continue to heal and uplift me because I know I deserve better. It’s up to me to live it and by God’s grace. Blessings!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2015

      Hi Deborah,

      you are so welcome.

      Deborah, we just did not have the awareness, or the teachings as young people to understand how creating a healthy ‘self’ was so vital for our love relationships!

      I really, really want to encourage you to take it to the next level Deborah … healing does not have to be that incremental when you are doing the work directly on you subconscious. It takes your freedom and expansion and New Life to a whole new level.

      That is the potential we can all access.

      I’d love you to come into the present Webinar Group http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • kristindm34@aol.com'
    Kristin
    September 27, 2015

    Thank you Mel. And thank you Liz. Both for your personal responses. I will check out the webinar. I must move on from this I have been aware of the situation for some time and have been following you, Mel and watching your videos. I want to be free of the unhealthy attachment and really appreciate all that you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2015

      Hi Kristin,

      that is so great!

      Looking forward to seeing you and working with you in the Webinar Group. Make sure you come into the 3 Keys Facebook Group and introduce yourself!

      It’s an amazing group 🙂

      Mel xo

  • kydietrich@yahoo.ca'
    Karen
    September 27, 2015

    This article really resonated with me. When my N discarded me and just walked away leaving me with all the financial debt, house etc……at first I thought my life was over. We had built a huge life with a business, our family etc. When I met my N he had nothing – I put humpty dumpty back together again and we created a very good life for ourselves- until he got bored and began to mistreat me (within about 6 yrs)….and then took off with my EX close friend when her husband passed away (big insurance policy/ mortgage free) – you get the gist of his opportunist character. So two betrayals at once with no notice of anything did a number. At first I didn’t think I’d make it…..within a few months, I had a new job, made many changes in my house and continued on…..I tried to date – I met a few people, but I always came home and felt empty — WHY is it I can’t be attracted to them or let go of the past? So I gave up until now……I had to go through more healing, as it had only been 3 months since the discard. Then I started going out on my own, going back to old and new friendships and I platonically dated a very good male friend. We had the best time and we were both suffering due to separations but we just remained good friends. I realized this was all I needed to surround myself with good, positive, loving people who were good for my soul. As time went on, I became lonely and the sexless life was beginning to get old…however not old enough to just hook up with anybody. Since then I’ve joined online dating and been careful to take a long time to chat and if I feel that they are worth it – I meet for coffee. I have made 2 nice male friends but still no romance as i feel that I am just quite not ready. It’s been about 15 months since my breakup and I feel very strong and I love my life. The financial part is difficult but I’m doing it and managing. I often wonder WHY I was so intensely in love with the ex N but slowly getting over that……..I have since met a wonderful man who I talk to nightly by phone as he lives 4 hours away. We skype and talk on the phone and one day we hope to meet but I’m taking my time. Even when I meet him, I’m not sure whether it will turn out romantically, but I feel better equipped now to make those decisions. It’s true that time and taking the time for self care and loving yourself is what will make us whole again. I will never allow anyone to disrespect and use me like the ex N and I will not allow him to be in my life again. Life is too precious and N’s are too dangerous to allow into my life.

  • arlinejernigan67@gmail.com'
    arline
    September 27, 2015

    Hi Mel, I have a huge request. I am not on the forum yet, but I iwill be upgrading soon, though for now, I will ask here.

    It is a related topic to this in a sense, because it has to do with sex.

    The topic of sex is big, and I know that I am seeing so me huge gaps here that I want to align with my true self.

    I would love for you to write about this topic, and what I would really love, would be some healing modules directly addressing sex, trauma, and transforming beliefs into a healthy connected spiritual beautiful exchange of love.

    I have to admit, that I relapsed on the Narc, and got with him today. I feel a little out of my body, and an mot sure where I am emotionally yet.

    I did get clear, that NO CONTACT is going to be ESSENTIAL, and that to clear this patten, I must commit to that. I know too much now, and I want more. The truth is my resistance to thriving is obviously preventing me from moving forward here.

    Sex is one of the strongholds that my narc taps into. It is off the chain how attracted I am to him on that level, even when I can now watch him, or rather his false self in full color.

    I want to have joyful, fun passionate, loving expansive connected sex, instead of one dimensional disconnected and empty experiences.

    Please share your wisdom here. xx

  • ianlindeman@hotmail.com'
    Ian Lindeman
    September 28, 2015

    Mel, this blog is one of your best! It is informative, well structured and gives excellent examples of the subversiveness of our unconciousness. Please continue your great work which has contributed in giving to me a much greater appliciation for life!

  • pinzonroberto@yahoo.com'
    R
    October 1, 2015

    Hi MEL,

    I found out about how narcissists suddenly discard and break-up the day before she discarded me. Feel so blessed!!! I therefore had all the knowledge and like a champ agreed to the discard/break up and have strictly maintained NO CONTACT from day #1. Yay!!!!

    She has tried hoovering 3 times by texting me for ridiculous things like for example “Hey I want to go there and pick up my rollerblades” Obviously I did not respond. Fyi she has not rollerbladed in 3 years and the rollerblades are in my house in the same box and bag from Sports Authority she got in 2013.

    Anyway about a month before the ‘grand finale discard’ my ex saw me reading about narcissism because my psychologist suspected my mom had narcissistic traits. She said: “Oh for sure she is because the most common narcissistic traits are: No empathy, cheating, lying, grandiosity, big ego.etc etc.” She knew it better than Wikipedia. LOL. A month later she broke up with me out of the blue.

    Does the face that:
    1 I meet once a week with my psychologist and she saw me reading about narcissism
    2. the fact that I agreed 100% to the discard and did not offer any resistance
    3 and the fact that my no contact has been so strict

    Does all this prevent her or scare her from hoovering in a stronger way? Has all this scared her? and she is afraid I will unmask her among our family and friends?

    R

    • Amacause@gmail.com'
      A hope
      October 10, 2015

      Hi
      I understand your worries and fears and the feeling that you can’t get her out of your head. But get her out the best you can. Free yourself of the heavy burden of it all. It really is amazing when you get back in touch with you and you are where you really need to be and realize that you neglected yourself and your needs for so very long. You matter. Worry and concern yourself with you. You then can begin your journey and begin to enjoy life and the ride so much more than you can imagine! That’s what I’m starting to realize. Facing my fears and doing my work is bringing me real joy on a level I never was able to achieve and I’m excited to see more!
      I’m going thru a nasty battle and divorce. And after everything that has been done and said I get a text today that basically is guilting me and asking to talk and give love another chance and not throw it away. This is after finding out and trying to bargain with the lawyer that I get more than he can imagine or wants too in the settlement. Of course he has threatened and tried to give me nothing the whole time and probably a few yrs ago I would had let that rule me. But this time I just said perfect timing for such a low move. I see him clearly now and it bothers me that it took me so long to get to this point but I forgive myself and happy I know now. You will get there. But not by worrying about what you did to cause them to do something… Love is not gullible love does not make ppl treat you like something to use dispose or to be replaced. Love yourself by not wasting time thinking and worrying about someone who cares do little for you. YOU DESERVE BETTER!! You really do! Start asking why you don’t think you do… Start looking within… Start your healing. Today. It’s that simple. It’s rewarding too. You won’t be rewarded when you make it about her… And don’t let her get in your head.

  • Amacause@gmail.com'
    A hope
    October 9, 2015

    Hi,
    It’s been 2 months since limited contact (children) and I’m shocked how I was feeling good, empowered, yet still grief all while recovering through self discovery and inner child healing thru therapy and shocked how I still have these moments where I think wow if he woulda only gave in and been really vulnerable how life would had been so much better and different and amazing! It wasn’t a dream for everyone but it most definitely seemed to fit me and it felt right. And he kept messing it up and I didn’t understand and over petty stuff and I said things I shouldn’t had I see he was really the only elephant in the room. I feel bad for all of us because noone wins here. Yet, he feels like he is, but I just see him as this poor sick man who thinks he wins but deep down he has lost everything and too afraid to find it to have and not sure how to really be with it and nurture it. So deep down, it is me who feels bad for him, because he will always do me wrong to the extent he can and do his daughter wrong and do himself wrong. Everyone is an enemy an object a means to an end but in the end he will always be his worst own enemy and its this reason that I can’t feel hate only love. This life this situation is temporary. So even more reason to stay away from those who steal your power! My appreciation for life and love has grown. I’m thankful for these lessons. He have up the best gift given to him for a fake life. That’s a human epidemic today! That’s sad. I will say a prayer for those ppl!

  • Amacause@gmail.com'
    A Hope
    October 12, 2015

    So my daughter and I have a guilty pleasure watching the kardashians and during a show a girl went to her therapist and the therapist said this: we have a tendency to repeat the same patterns because we desperately want to heal. (I thought what a positive way to look at it) and she said we have to dig deep to figure out when or how we started this pattern and ask ourselves why? Because the answer started a negative core belief cycle in our lives and we have to fix it.
    I thought it was genius! By healing our inner child wounds it does set us free!

  • apeztecorn@yahoo.com'
    Eliza
    October 19, 2015

    I have a question– not sure if you will catch it or not since this may be an older post.

    Are there exceptions to this rule? I am personally attracted to “nice” guys which is what I thought my exN was at first– the nicest guy I’d ever dated. When I watch a movie, I am attracted to the empathetic men the very most. I also have not missed my ex husband for hardly a second in the 2 years since he has been gone– not like some of the people I see on narcissistic websites who miss their exes and feel they can’t function without them, have withdrawals, etc.

    I know that I have childhood issues I have to resolve and am going to try EMDR soon for both my childhood and my marriage, and I agree on principle with everything you said! But in my case I stayed with my ex husband for so long due to a religious commitment to marriage as much as anything else- I remember thinking to myself countless times that if I didn’t have my religious beliefs I would have left him long ago. I keep wondering if that is why it was so easy for me when I finally did decide to let him go– I have hardly looked back for a second (not to say he hasn’t made it very difficult for me financially, hurt my kids, etc– and I have had second thoughts in those regards). Or am I just in denial? I have not been dating now for a year and I have to admit, I am pretty lonely (due in part to cutting ties with other narcissists in my life)!

  • banyanaolats@yahoo.com'
    Empoweredlady
    October 23, 2015

    Reading this somehow evokes fright feeling, i dont know. I feel so scared. I need to heal my inner wounds i dont know how. I honestly dont have to the means to buy narp material.

  • m.chodkowski@yahoo.com'
    Martha
    May 12, 2016

    It was 6 mos ago that I found out my husband was cheating and I left him. There was no boundary he didn’t cross in his relationship with this woman (I read their texts), including having unprotected sex with her all over our apartment. When I confronted him he denied it until I showed him the evidence. He acted remorseful at first, even though when I asked he told me he had better sex with her then he ever did with me (Ouch! Kill me!). But as soon as he realized I really was leaving his whole attitude and demeanor switched in an instant. The tears immediately dried up and it’s like I was nothing to him. He shrugged me off, acted like I was being annoyingly dramatic for being upset. He told me he stopped loving me years ago and was in love with her. Reeling from being discarded like a piece of trash after being together for 12 yrs, I scoured the Internet for answers. When I came across articles about narcissism it was like a light went on in my head. I also realized that my mother is a narcissist. She is/was actually much worse than him. It made sense why so many of his traits reminded me of my mother. One of my initial reactions (in between the cycling of intense pain, rage, self-blame etc) was a determination to work on myself so I could be in a healthy relationship (even though I still don’t know what that looks like). But in the last month or two I’ve settled into a nice low grade depression and want to avoid any intimacy or relationships. Before I met him I was very closed off and pushed men/boys away. I felt I was unloveable. He broke through my defenses and was my first boyfriend. I know one of the reason I stayed with him was because I didn’t think anyone else would want me. I’m very self-conscious about my body. I have scars on my leg from a car accident and stretch marks on my breasts. Those insecurities are still very much with me. And now an added bonus is my sexual insecurity because he was never very sexually interested in me but was a stallion with this woman. He had an unquenchable appetite for her and made much effort to give her orgasms which he never did with me. It confirmed all my fears that I was undesirable. I now visualize and pray that a metal wall be put around my heart and my sexual urges be deadened so that I’m never vulnerable again. I just want to be alone. I can’t allow for the possibility of this happening to me again.

  • ellaklavier@163.com'
    Elle
    July 12, 2016

    I would like to share my story here:

    I’m out of my long N abusive relationship for over 2 months now. I believe I’m his first “victim”. We have been together for 8 years, I was very young back then, studying classical music in one conservatoire in London, he is 8 years older than me. He appeared to be very charming at first, then slowly I found out that he has extremely low self-esteem, also came from a low esteem family. I used to think that this has nothing to do with his family, they are nice and humble people but they do have the “hate rich people” feeling running in their house. Im not from a wealthy family, but my Mom did make sure that I receive the best education and develop my best interest in life which is my passion-classical music, also live a good life with dignity.

    I have always been very positive through my life and was able to make many friends around the world through travelling for concerts and competitions (this actually saved my life!) He was the opposite, no friends, some colleagues that he could have a drink with after work. He asked to move in with me very fast, I did felt very weird at the beginning, because he changed from this charming person to this hooked on “YouTube” guy and he could spend the whole evening without sleeping fixing computer/phones. But I ignored my inner voice cos I was thinking nobody is perfect, and he kept telling me how much he loves me and how intense is our chemistry and he is unhappy with his job etc, so I played this “hero” role, encouraged him to take some exams so he can get a better job, which it worked. So I left my amazing life in London and moved with him to Paris and then to Brazil, which was the beginning of the real nightmare.

    Countless arguments we had, silent treatment from him for days sometimes weeks, limited access for me financially, sudden anger from him out of very tiny things, eg I used too much washing liquid when washing our clothes that he threatened me to tell our building manager to not give me access to the laundry room. If I cry and our dog barks he claims that he will throw our dog on the street. I was intimidated for a long time- wanted to leave so many times but he then apologised and saying he will work on his anger issue but it never happened. At work he is this charming hardworking wonderful man everybody likes, but at home, he is so temperament, manipulative, gas lighting and with no respect to me whatsoever. He can constantly belittle me saying that he owns me and I’m useless of not being able to make enough financial contribution through playing concerts and teaching that I don’t deserve his respect. I got into this trap, and working so hard to try to approve to him that I can make a good living. I believed it’s true love and I need to be good enough to be even more loved by him.

    He wanted a child with me and wanted me to give up my career as a concert its but i wasn’t ready, and he has been acting like a 5 year old irrational evil kid bargaining, torturing me because I told him to wait a little (now looking back, this was the best decision)

    All these suffers came to an explosion after he purposed to me last year in Rome and then we were trying to organise our wedding in Brazil, all the invitations were sent out and our friends and family were attending, I bought my wedding dress and wedding rings were prepared… Then 3 weeks before our wedding he broke up with me because I didn’t give him a baby… I was dead, not mentioning those humiliations and plans we made, those expectations from family and friends. I was dead. I begged him like crazy, our friends tried to talk to him, he seemed no remorse at all, no compassion, no respect. I thought my life came to an end. He threatened to throw me out on the street in Brazil, that’s how I left him, I moved out of our apartment secretly with enormous pain and fear to our friends with very little cash and flew back to HK where my mother lives.

    I have been doing No Contact with him for more than 2 weeks now, although we are not married but we do have a civil partnership together, that’s my next step to solve that issue diplomatically, it has been very very painful and confusing when reading emails from him that he is sorry and wants to get back with me, but then I found this website about N abuse, it made a lot of sense. I’m now seeing a therapist and also doing a healing course trying to recover many childhood issues, many issues that I don’t even know they existed. It’s very very difficult to do No Contact, my little advice to myself is gently speaking to myself “don’t read his email, don’t reply, even its just for now, even just for now”.

    I don’t want to think him as a bad person, but he did do a lot of things to harm me and almost destroyed mylife, I also miss him very very much and didn’t want to let go of my”glorious past”. Then again, I am also a human being, I deserve to do treated like a human. I have strong survival instinct. I thought I could never go back to the stage anymore because haven’t been practising my instrument for 3 months now, but now slowly I started to go back to my routine practising and also teaching a little bit, sometimes I feel ok but a lot of times are still bad.

    I hope I can get supports here in this community. Thank you!

  • kimchris67@yahoo.com'
    Christine
    December 22, 2016

    I’m not sure that there is any rigid timeline to strictly follow, in terms of dating again. I think the process will vary for everyone, depending on how long they were with the narcissist, etc.

    Whatever you do, don’t rush the process. I initially tried to date again way too early–as a way to just escape the pain of the narcissistic abuse. However, all that did was attract more narcissists.

    So then, I took a break from dating to just focus on recovery. I knew I was truly ready to date again when I was indifferent towards the narcissist…when I could think about him without any strong emotional reaction, one way or the other. It was almost as if that had all happened to someone else and I had just observed it from a distance. Once I really, truly detached myself from the narcissist, then I was ready. For instance, I used to get teary-eyed whenever I saw anything that reminded me of the narcissist. I knew that I was healed months later when I could see or hear something that reminded me of the narcissist…and shrug and feel absolutely nothing about it.

    I eventually met a wonderful person who I am now married to, and am in the happiest relationship of my life. So it is possible to find a fulfilling relationship after surviving narcissism. I think the key is when you are no longer affected by the narcissist, one way or the other.

    • marlenamariabontas@gmail.com'
      Marlena
      April 30, 2017

      It’s good to know there is hope, Christine!

  • marlenamariabontas@gmail.com'
    Marlena
    April 30, 2017

    Hi, Melanie. This is amazing the whole article rings true for me as I’ve dated few narcissists and they all taught me how to become more comfortable with myself and love myself more.
    However there is a thing to consider-this is not a definite rule and not everyone who was narcissistically abused in their family will go from one abusive relationship to another.
    In my support group there are few women who met the love of their life either in their teenage years (so while they were in contact with their abusive parents) or later in their adulthood. They swear their partners are not narcissists and sound really happy in their relationships. I have asked them HOW they managed to meet such great husbands and they all said it happened by chance or their partners were also adult children of narcissists thus, they connected because of that. But they are happy.
    Please explain how it is possible to attract a loving and healthy relationship after narcissistic abuse, considering the fact that you didn’t heal entirely your childhood traumas. These women are in our support group because of their narcissistic parents (some in contact, others in low contact or even no contact) so it’s not like they are completely recovered.

    Thank you for the helpful work that you’re doing to heal us, ACONs.

  • Lmrock@charter.net'
    Lynnette Rock
    September 12, 2017

    I was married to a narcissistic sociopath for 13 years. We were separated for two years and then divorced. I had been asked on dates during my separation; however, I didn’t date because I wanted to focus on me. It’s been over three years that I have been alone. It has helped me realize my childhood hurts and heal from them, grow as a person, helped me heal from the narcissistic abuse, learn to love myself, learn my worth, learn my boundaries, and find my own happiness. I don’t NEED a partner in my life. I am content with myself and my life. Now that I’m at this point in my life, I am ready to date.

    Thank you for your website and support.

  • annabelhc@gmail.com'
    Belle
    October 10, 2017

    Did 18 months of hard work with a counsellor as my relationship died, removed toxic people and relatives from my life, happiest year of my life.
    Started dating and my son said I only dated so I could tell men ‘nope’… 😀 (He was joking) I spotted the narcs and psychopaths so quickly because I’d been in those forums… but I moved out of them when I realiised how looking at that information kept me trapped in the trauma. I didn’t need to keep reading about narcs and psychopaths… I know it all intimately.

    Finally met someone I agreed to have a second date with… and he’s a grown up, conscious male who’s happy with himself, open to growth and knows who he is…
    I didn’t feel it until the third date, but he was interesting enough for me to want to know more … and here we are some months down the track.
    I met someone who lights everything good up in me and I him… and it’s a fantastic combination. No trying to change or control, no putting me down, just an open joy in who I am.
    Do the work. Good things are on the other side.

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