Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This article is one that has been inspired as a result of a comment that a lady named Jean posted on my latest blog article …

“‘Am I carrying enough darkness (fear) regarding my own security and survival that I need to learn the lesson of NOT selling my soul out to abuse to try to survive?’

FEAR = Darkness…here I thought I was a ‘lightworker type.’

Getting it!”

Jean’s comment inspired me to realise how so many “lightworkers” (good people) are in deep confusion as to why “bad” things happen to them.

It is so easy to agonise over “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

This brings us to all sorts of further questions such as: “Why does God allow such horrible things to happen to good people?”

And generally, we don’t want to believe that God would allow such things, so therefore this must mean that evil is at work.

From this a common belief was born: “Evil and Satan is making this happen; this is why bad things happen.”

Interestingly, Greek mythology depicts “Pan” as the Devil. The archetype meaning of Pan is “the scapegoat.”

Assigning the Devil as the scapegoat means we don’t take inward “responsibility” to being “the generative source of our own experience,” and we blame things that happen to us on forces outside of ourselves.

When we are stuck in this model, to turn inwards and self-reflect can feel like blame and shame. Then we ask this question indignantly, “Are you saying what happened to me is MY fault?”

Such is the state of unconsciousness and pain that we can be stuck in; the unfortunate binds of believing – this has nothing to do with me, I AM a good person, and my life is controlled by forces outside of me – therefore, I AM vulnerable to darkness and evil.

In this article I want to demystify all of this for you. Most of all, I want to help lead you into understandings which will release you from blaming and shaming yourself. These understandings will not render you powerless to outside forces, instead they will show you a way through to embracing and empowering yourself.

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How We Hand Our Power Over

I believe that when we scapegoat the darkness to outside of ourselves, this only perpetuates our beliefs in “darkness” and “evil,” and it makes us very susceptible to the “dark” presences, which can infiltrate our life.

We may even feel that “being a good person” makes us a target for evil – because evil forces are going to come after our light.

These beliefs cause several painful conditions, such as more personal and collective fear of: “I’m not safe in the world,” as well as our contraction inwards trying to protect ourselves.

We may even begin to think, “If I can’t beat them join them” and start justifying having to operate in a “dog eat dog” world with actions that state, “I have to get you first before you get me.”

This is exactly the beliefs that caused victims of abuse to become abusers themselves, which was the case for many narcissists.

I don’t believe any of these ideologies allow us to be a healthy force of light, and they certainly don’t lead us to the development of our own light – our own True Power.

And they certainly don’t create a healthy, empowered “safe” life. In stark contrast, our shadows (the emotionally fearful parts of ourselves that we create defences around) are exactly the pain and fear that keeps arriving in our life.


So that we can evolve by releasing these parts of us which are not our True Selves.

Ironically, until we awaken and become conscious we are only handing over our power and fuelling the very things we are trying to protect ourselves from.


The Perpetuation of Darkness and Evil

Naturally, in the narcissistic abuse communities there is a great deal of belief in “darkness” and “evil,” which only fuels victim consciousness, and the tendency to get mired down in the horrible things people do (which absolutely they do).

The problem with this focus is it gives us very little opportunity to evolve ourselves past being victims and attracting more to victimise ourselves.

This also causes the fear of not being able to be in the world safely, which leads to depression, anxiety and all sorts of conditions such as ongoing agoraphobia and Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I know how horrible that is – I’ve been there. I also know that if I hadn’t given up the victim model of “life happens to me” and hadn’t taken on the truth of “life happens through me,” I still would be contracted, depressed and reduced in every area of my life.

Actually, I know I wouldn’t have made it … I know I wouldn’t be alive.

I understand how easy it is to believe in “darkness.” After all, we observe, “what is”- what is happening and the incredible ways that individuals, countries and groups try to exert power and dominance.

ISIS is a perfect example of the darkest of forces running amok on our planet today.

In many parts of the Western World, we are experiencing ISIS and their insane ideologies and cruelty. The incident with the beheading of a factory worker in the USA, and the intercepting of alleged public beheadings in Australia are only some of these incidences.

I heard an interview recently about people at a major sporting event going through security checks. They were asked if they were worried about the escalating terrorism threats. The majority of responses were, “I’m not going to stop living my life by giving it to fear.”

Should we succumb to fear? Should we try to wrap ourselves in cotton wool? Should we be on the lookout for bad people wherever we go?

If we believe we are vulnerable and powerless to outside forces, naturally we are going to be. It is incredibly common for people living the “Survivor” model, as opposed to the “Thriver” model, after narcissistic abuse, to have the experience of being in the world with intense fear.

Why wouldn’t we? We all felt like our soul was raped, and we all experienced the very person who should have loved and protected us becoming our worst assailant. A person who we deeply believed we could trust.

But what is the price for hanging on to this fear? What is the price for hanging on to any of our fears, pain and regrets that we suffered even before narcissistically abused?


Conditional Living and Fear of Outcomes

Imagine these two lives: The first – a person living their life from their heart in integrity and joy and freedom. This person living fully, deeply loving himself, expanding into his missions, granting joy and inspiration to others and then having his life cut short by an unforseen incident.

Now imagine the second case, a person who suffered heartbreak and deception, who closed herself down, pulled back from life, took medication, manifested all sorts of dis-ease as a result of negative emotions and depression, and lived with this despair and loneliness to a very old age.

Who would you rather be?

There is a wonderful expression: “To fully live we have to transcend the fear of dying.”

What I really believe this means is: we have to get past the fear of attachment to outcomes.

None of us really know what life has in store for us. None of us know whether the next person we meet will be happy, or has just had a difficult day. None of us have any guarantees that a beloved will be with us for life. None of us know whether our business and acquisitions will prosper or be taken away from us next week.

What we need to realise is that any “thing” is not permanent; it’s ever changing and always in flux. We live with chronic uncertainly – and that is the truth.

So how do we make peace with this?

We can make peace by realising that the outcomes of our life are nowhere near as important as our minute to minute beingness.

If we are in contraction and fear, we experience exactly what we fear as an ongoing constant emotional reality, which far exceeds the random flux.

The CRAZY thing is that everything we attempt to “do” or “get” in life is for one reason only – to feel happy.

We haven’t realised that we can free ourselves of all of the fears, all of the uncertainties, and all of our attachments to things and people having to be “a certain way” and embrace and develop our beingness – our ability to be happy and at peace, and let go of what isn’t serving us rather than trying to wrestle it into a “needed” outcome. We start to learn that we have NO control over something or someone that isn’t “us,” and the only thing that we can control is our own “beingness”.

This does not mean being flippant, reckless or complacent.

It means accepting the truth.

When we are in fear and we are in the need to control and fixated about changing things to a certain outcome, we ARE living in “darkness.”


Darkness Keeps Out the Light

The carrying of fear and pain in our psyches and bodies is one of the most destructive things on an inner and outer level that we can do.

It means rather than have “space” and “openness” in our hearts and mind to allow in the connection, abundance, gratitude and generation of joy in our life – we are contracted down. We are shut off and blocked – we can’t receive.

We are like a container of muck with the lid closed, with the muck festering under a shut lid.

We are shut off from releasing, expansion and up-levelling ourselves – and we deeply take on the Inner Identity of being a victim – being powerless to create a better life, or feel safe in the world.

As a result, our systems start breaking down. Only in recent years is the connection being made between illness and our Inner Beings. Science now recognises exactly what spirituality has taught for centuries – that dis-ease is what occurs physically when we are unwell emotionally.

The effects of stress and negative thinking has now been documented and measured, science now knows that the chemicals our hypothalamus creates (peptides) that are secreted and enter the cells on our body have a profound effect for either good or bad.

The chemicals that are created from our perceptions of fear and victimisation are extremely damaging, and amongst many other things reduce our cells ability to absorb nutrients and oxygen. This causes our bodies to break down and dysfunction much faster.

A great analogy is this expression about resentment – “it’s like eating poison and expecting the other person to drop dead.”

If we are not evolving (freeing our Inner Being from fear, pain and victimisation), we are dissolving. We are disintegrating much faster than we naturally would.

It’s a shame that, as yet, the “unseen world” the “consciousness” of life, has yet been publicly revealed (one day it will be). Because if it was we would all point blank realise some very vital things – such as “my fear and pain (darkness) is generating and attracting more fear and pain (darkness) into my life”.

A statement, like the one I just made, can make people riot – literally – especially groups who are perpetuating victim consciousness.

Some of you, who are devoted to working on your consciousness, may have made comments in abuse forums wanting to help empower people from the “inside out” – and been attacked for doing so. In my early days doing this mission I was evicted from abuse forums for doing exactly that.

The greatest “disconnect” is that people believe, “I am a good person, and I was a victim of a bad person, and therefore there was no part of me generating this.”

This is a deeply flawed premise. Law of Attraction makes no distinction between “good” and “bad” people. It simply generates life results, which match the belief systems and the frequencies which people are “expressing” in life.

Many of these beliefs may be deeply unconscious, and it’s incredibly helpful to take off the labels “good” and “bad” and bring it back to “love” (otherwise known as joy, inspiration and openness) and “fear” (otherwise known as depression, guarding and contraction).

Imagine living in a house, and you barred every window and door, drew every curtain, and turned off every interior light just so that you can hide more effectively. Then imagine setting up surveillance outside, and looking through it obsessively, whilst researching everything you could about the enemy, why they do what they do, and what next move they may make.

Would you have any energy left to become joy, inspiration, love and expansion?

The answer is obvious …


Taking Back Our Light

I can understand that after being narcissistically abused it’s normal to feel like you are living in a war zone. I felt it, too. Walking to the local store felt like walking out into a jungle filled with man-eating predators.

But, really what we are all evolving towards, is learning that we DO have the power to work on ourselves so that we can evict the “darkness” out of our being, and then bit by bit by bit we can draw back the blinds, open the windows and shine any darn light as brightly as we want to …

… regardless of what happened to us.

Then, and only then, does the “reality” of darkness as well as the associated attacks stop. The reason it stops is because we are no longer a frequency of “darkness,” and now “darkness” has to go somewhere else – to someone else who is a frequency match.

This I know with all my heart, and it is totally in alignment with the vampire myth which holds many truths. When a bright light is shone on vampires, they melt, dissolve or explode.

Think about this logically – when you flick on the switch of a bright light there is NO darkness.

Therefore, our true solution is only ever to become a bright light.

Becoming a bright light (free of fear) does not make us vulnerable, or a target. Being a bright light stands us in solid integrity. We speak up when appropriate, we don’t make excuses, and we can easily detach and stay whole and healthy when something is not our stuff (and even have compassion for these people with stuff). It means we are impervious to darkness. We leave it alone, send it love, and if it is abusive we call it out, flush it out, and it gets exposed in our energy and we firmly and easily say, “Not My Reality.”

It’s like being offered terrible junk food when you already have a fully stocked nutritious kitchen.

In fact, we rarely even encounter darkness anymore, and certainly not on the levels we used to.

So how do we become “light?” The answer is this – we release and up-level the parts of us that are “darkness,” so that we can have our blinds and windows open and shine our light brightly.

Then we can show up as “authentic.” We can be fully ourselves in ways that are transparent, self-loving and are no longer fearful of rejection, attack or abandonment.

No longer do we believe, “I have to dim my light or you may reject, attack or abandon me.”

No longer do we believe, “I have to sell out my True Self to keep you happy so that you provide me with love, acceptance and survival.”

When we are a bright light we are co-creating directly with life, and every time we “let go” of who and what is not a match for our True Self, we make space for something far superior.

The hugely important part to understand is this – our windows and doors must be open to receive the good. The lights have to be on, and the welcome mat must be out. This goes for people, situations, fortuitous events, and divine synchronicities. None of these things which life flows in abundance can come to us if we are clogged up with “darkness.”


Recogonising and Embracing Our Own “Darkness”

I want you to understand that we all carry darkness to varying degrees. It is the human condition. Look at our planet. Look at how we were raised. Ponder how our role models have behaved personally and collectively. Look at our fearful structures of domination, damnation, control and judgement.

We have all been conditioned and programmed to absorb pain and fear from a very young age, and it is these very young wounds that cause us to draw into our lives the matches to these wounds.

This does not make us “bad”…

If we want to hang on to our righteousness of “I’m a good person, I’m the victim, and he/she is the villain” than we are deeply unconscious and in for a very hard time.

It means that we are only going to keep attracting more and more of our internal painful beliefs (as patterns) until FINALLY we acknowledge them and do something about them.

Or … we have to bar the windows and the doors, draw the curtains and turn the lights out to not experience more hurt … and then we keep all the good out as well.

I want to share with you a story that will help you understand how our “shadows” and our “darkness” play out.

This story is about a lady in her 50’s who I will call Tina. Tina is one of the most giving, generous souls you can ever meet, yet she has had disastrous relationships. She has had a string of alcoholic, abusive partners who ultimately left her for another woman.

People in her life were amazed that this is what happened to Tina. She is so loving, and she’s beautiful and highly intelligent – everyone adores Tina. People thought, “She could have anyone. Any man would be thrilled to have her.”

And it’s not like Tina used to walk into bars and meet drunks. She didn’t choose men who looked like they drank a lot, were verbally abusive or had affairs. Her partners, initially, seemed highly credible.

Yet, what always happened was bit by bit these disastrous character traits appeared – every single time. These men initially enjoyed a social drink with Tina, seemed respectful, loving and devoted, and then the drinking increased, the verbal abuse began, the late nights working started, and a year to five years down the track Tina was discarded for another woman.

Tina’s work colleagues and close friends were astounded at her pain and suffering, and why she stayed with these men until this happened.

Naturally, Tina was distraught that she got tricked and emotionally trapped yet again.

People would say, “She has just had bad luck.”

But has she?

Wasn’t Tina the common denominator in these experiences?

Yes, she was …

Did this make Tina a bad person?

No …

Did this make it Tina’s “fault?”

No …

Did this mean that Tina was a covertly alcoholic, abusive, lying and cheating so and so?

No … she is none of these things.

Did Tina have unconscious wounds, which were playing out and controlling her life in ways that she didn’t enjoy?

Yes …


“Fault” Versus “Responsibility”

There is an enormous difference between accepting “fault” and taking “responsibility.”

Accepting fault, I believe, is appropriate for something we are doing “consciously.” For example, if Tina was never home, and had affairs and was totally abusive in her behavior, then these are choices she knows she is doing.

We could understand that men would pull away, get upset and seek another partner – and who could blame them?

And I mean these things for real. NOT the ridiculous accusations that narcissist project on to you telling you that you are these things.

Taking responsibility is far, far different. It means this – accepting that there is something within us that is generating our experiences.

Our patterns are “unconscious” – meaning we are not “consciously” aware of them. And the reason we are not conscious of them is because it has been our deep inner programming from previous pain and disappointments that have caused us to embody and keep generating similar disappointing experiences.

It has become our “normal.”

This is the truth …

Until we realise our own “darkness” we can’t escape the “darkness” that life brings us to match it.

I want you to understand this: Tina was not “consciously” choosing these men. She did her due diligence. She did everything she could when meeting potential men to ensure they were not heavy drinkers, abusive or cheaters. In fact, she was so versed in the “warning signs” she knew them like the back of her hand.

What she didn’t realise is: her subconscious chose these men.

In order to stop these unconscious patterns, Tina needed to take 100% responsibility to embrace, face and heal these subconscious patterns – without falling into the unconscious patterns of blaming and shaming herself.

Fortunately, that is exactly the path Tina has taken. Her mission is no longer about “these men.” Her focus is where it needs to be … on herself …


How Our Subconscious Plays it Out

Let’s name the most obvious “dark” spots in Tina’s shadow – in her deep unconscious. The parts that were keeping her in these patterns of painful relationships.

Tina’s father was an alcoholic who was abusive to her mother. He had numerous affairs, and ultimately he left for another woman, and died of alcoholism in his later 40’s.

Tina’s mother was emotionally unavailable because she was shattered from the abuse and affairs.

Tina loved her father. She thought he was fun. He was not strict, had very few rules and Tina remembers laughing and playing with her father. The truth was he was a man child, he was irresponsible, yet Tina, as a result of having no connection with her mother, lapped up his attention.

Tina suffered grave emotional pain as a result of her mother’s disconnection and depression, and losing her father when he left and ultimately when he died.

This is what Tina’s young unhealed parts (her subconscious) had decided, “If only I could have loved Dad more, he would not have been sick and drunk, Mum would not have been sick and depressed, and Dad would not have left or died.”

So what Tina unconsciously was doing (without any part of her consciously knowing it) was picking covert alcoholics (she would never logically choose an obvious one) so that she could FINALLY heal her father and change her traumatic childhood.

So these suit and tie professional, charming, “respectful” men all turned out to be manifestations who completely represented her father (alcoholic, abusive, lying, cheating men).

They were never going to be any different. In fact, on some investigation, as a result of working with The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program the truth became CLEAR to Tina – she has never been able to be attracted to any man who wouldn’t turn out like this.

I really hope you are starting to understand …

What happened to Tina is NOT random, it is not “bad luck;” rather there is an indisputable system to life that can only ever operate through us and not to us.

In Tina’s case, when we understand this, it is obvious why this was her pattern. Most patterns are very obvious with a bit of self-reflection and knowing how to connect the dots, which we can all learn exactly how to do – as well as become our own healer. (NARP teaches you how to do that.)

Some cases are harder to understand, yet I still firmly believe that at the quantum level of life there is always a reason. And if we find and liberate the reason, we can break free.

I believe “everything happens for a reason” is to do with our souls’ greatest purpose (the real reason we are on earth), which is to work through our false beliefs of fear and pain in order to become light and love instead.

Just imagine if we all stopped scapegoating others, blaming and shaming ourselves, and deeply partnered ourselves to evolve …

… how our world would be so different.


How We Show Up Within the Energy of Our Wounds

A very empowering part of taking the responsibility to recognise and heal our inner wounds is asking ourselves this question, “How am I showing up in ways that co-generate this pattern?”

For example, Tina, once her men started drinking more and staying back at the office, did not speak up. She tried to love them more, cook better meals and look sexier. And she did not question their behaviour.

The young unhealed parts of her were causing this. “If I speak up and tell Daddy I’m not happy he may leave again,” as well as: “I have to do everything I can to make Daddy happy, stay and treat Mummy better.”

This is what I want you to understand soooo much, is that all of us without exception, show up in ways that perpetuate our “darkness.” This keeps going the parts of ourself in fear and pain and it brings more fear and pain into our life.

And we need to grow up enough to face this, and take responsibility for this if we want to change our life, and if we want to change the patterns for our children and their future generations – so that they don’t repeat our unconscious patterns.

We can understand that a woman not carrying Tina’s inner wounds would not vibrationally attract the partners Tina did (her subconscious would not be attracted to them to try to “fix Daddy”). And if a man started to drink too much and be absent, a healthy mature woman would sit him down, have the talk and lay boundaries. She would investigate, discover the truth and love herself enough to walk away.

Such is the remarkable difference when we are operating from a healthy adult centre rather than our unconscious childhood wounds.

I hope you now deeply understand why “Bad things happen to good people.”

I also hope that you are now motivated to take on the “responsibility” of realising that your pain is generated from previous unhealed parts of you, and I hope you are inspired to discover, embrace and uplevel these old wounds so that those parts of you can develop, evolve, and become mature and healthy.

My greatest passion is to help people do this, as I realised I had to do for myself – in order to put my own agonising patterns to rest once and for all. This is what all of my programs achieve. NARP being the Program that I am the most passionate about.

You can find out more about my programs, which incorporate my subconscious healing system here.

I look forward, as always, to answering your questions and comments.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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44 Thoughts on Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?
    October 9, 2014

    Hi Mel, as always – THANK YOU!
    I open and read your blogs most weeks and always get new information and reassurance. When I am confused, I know I am in the process of learning something, and this week reading your blog has helped me do this. I have been a NARP survivor (aiming at thriving) for quite sometime now (more than 3 years). Life still throws me curve-balls and I self-examine whenever that happens… over the past few weeks I met a seemingly lovely man, he wined and dined me and appeared very respectful, but perhaps a little needy… so I decided to be very ‘conscious’ whenever I was with him.
    We attended a function together a few days ago, with people he knew, in a setting which was quite unusual for me. During the evening he became disturbed when a women in the group passed an opinion which he disagreed with – his debate of the opinion was not what was important, but how he behaved toward the women expressing her opinion! He demeaned her, publicly humiliated her and manipulated her into apologising for having / expressing her opinion. I told her that I believed he had no right to do that and I would be speaking with him about it. I chose my location for addressing his poor choice of behaviour more carefully – I waited until we were alone at the end of the evening. I explained my displeasure of his behaviour and even though he attempted to twist my words and debate my opinion I stood in my truth (YEAH NARP!!!!). Historically, I may have thought I could ‘change’ him and kept seeing him, but this time – I walked away. Potentially my shortest relationship, but I am proud to say – the most assured choice I have made about a man in a long time. I may technically be alone again, but I am standing with myself and feel good about that. Reading your blog has helped me stop the self flagellation of attracting him into my life… I needed to understand how much Ive learnt.
    Blessings and love as always

      October 10, 2014


      Thank you so much for sharing your victory. I am only one year into the Thriving mindset and to hear your story really helped so much. I am one year out of a N relationship and am working on my father N and mother N family patterns and I am greatly encouraged to hear how quickly you left the relationship. Melanie’s teachings always come at the right time and I learn so much from my fellow learners like you.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Alison,

      This is so, so wonderful that you stood in integrity, and called it out.

      You recognised “Not My Reality” and acted in alignment with your truth.

      Brilliant work! Well done!!

      Much blessings and love back to you!

      Mel xo

    October 9, 2014

    Thank you Mel, this post is one I will be re reading over and over. X

    October 9, 2014

    I am one for taking my 50% of the responsibility. This time, however, my 50% is lying in darkness & hard to know or see. The story of Tina has helped shine a small amount of light on my unconscious issues of childhood. I expect to be cheated on, lied to, verbally & physically abused, so I attract it to try & heal it. I keep expecting the relationship to heal it, but that is like me picking off scabs & expecting the sore to heal. No. Doesn’t work that way.

      October 9, 2014

      Try 100% responsibility and 0% credit as if you are doomed to constantly work towards improvement but understand that everything that comes of it is a gift from God. It may seem like a terrible Outlook but I’ve found it to be a wonderful way to live.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Dismayed,

      It is so true that we see “others” as the Source of our healing (which we all did before consciousness) they bring us more of the “pattern” to push us to heal it.

      I can’t recommend NARP enough Dismayed for you to bring the power, focus and solution back to yourself.

      Mel xo

    October 9, 2014

    Hi Melanie

    This is one of the most powerful things you have ever written.
    And it’s a beautiful explanation.
    Thank you (Yet again)!

    October 9, 2014

    Great post. I was run off from a forum for attempting to explain this exact concept. I think it is simply too painful for many to face and is coated in irony everywhere. For me, it seems originally it seemed more painful to shine a light on my own petty shortcomings mired in my shadow. I preferred to not look there, at my inability to fix others and how this drive to fix others was an insidious desire to control another person’s free will. Others are within thier rights as a person to be broken

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Hi,

      Thank you!

      We do need to look there … that is the truth.

      It is very true we can’t change other people, and we don’t have the right to. We can only change ourselves, and then everything changes.

      Mel xo

    October 9, 2014

    Mel, just when I think I can’t do this anymore, this recovery, living alone, feeling lonely, discouraged – you send me one of your emails and bring back the hope.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Abbie,

      are you doing the inner work?

      Trying to heal through information alone, is not the same as transformational healing.

      The first is trying to “manage” and the second is the actual healing.

      Maybe it’s time?

      Mel xo

    October 9, 2014

    Mel, your case study of Tina rings absolutely true for my experience. I’ve worked NARP for 5 months so I’m living way more consciously these days. With awareness I found myself attracted to a guy with the same set of issues that I always go for which I find quite funny now because this time I’m aware and can step away easily. Point is, this is useful because it’s clear that energetically there’s still an inner wound to be unearthed and healed in me!! But how to unveil it – I’m guessing by using the goal setting module?? Great article Mel!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Ruby,

      So true – that is the gift. Life always brings us all the triggers to empower us with truth.

      It really is a matter of deeply feeling into the blocks in your body and shifting them out – and there is so many creative ways with the Goal Setting Module to do that.

      You could do something as generic as “releasing these (name them) blocks” as your goal.

      That intention will then take you into these blocks.

      Trust yourself, and you will do great!

      Mel xo

    October 10, 2014

    I am a thriver of a narcissistic abuse. It was a long dark journey that required healing a deep wound of insignificance. My dad treated me like I didn’t matter, I picked men who treated me like I didn’t matter, but what I truly realized was that I didn’t matter to myself. In terms of “darkness” I think of the natural way of life. 12hours a day are in darkness. Darkness is a part of life, and therefore should not be feared, but embraced. In the Star Wars vernacular, I meet people on the dark side of the force daily, but I now know how to dance with them, because I have the force (lightness) with me at all times. Thank you Mel for all you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Annie,

      So, so true it always comes back to “self” and who we need to become emotionally towards ourselves.

      Absolutely we need to go into our shadows and embrace them fully, and we need to love them (ourselves warts and all) to bring them to light.

      Thank you for your post! 🙂

      Mel xo

    October 10, 2014

    As usual, you put things so clearly x

    narc abused
    October 10, 2014

    great insight. be your own light at any cost and at any price. !!! absolute. here is the deal. abuse is legal. evil is legal. law is a shame !!! for the narcissist can beat the law just like that. beat the system forever. and the victim after wasting their life is left analyzing themselves to their deepest and earliest “baggage” that plays out perfect. so to keep it real, the “victim” is one’s own greatest enemy. then and now. waste. the narcissist — nothing changes !!! no matter how much light is shone on them or not. the real significance of your article is that the victim should become enough of one’s own light such that she is able to stand up for Justice and FIGHT WITH LIGHT. So I truly pray that everyone who has had their entire lives wasted doing the right thing for the wrong person — common Fate or grand Destiny — become the TRUE LIGHT of their INNER SIGHT to FIGHT for Justice. Holding the Narcissist accountable — their own FIRST and any other in the world should be cakewalk, a matter of great pride and dignity to Self. Amidst shining that LIGHT brighter within that it has no option but to OVERFLOW. GOD BLESS !!!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi narc abused,

      the issue here, truly is that when we try to hold the narcissist “accountable” for wrong doing – we are not working with the order of our OWN evolution.

      We are not in the “gift” of “Thank you for showing me what I drew, attracted and needed to heal within myself”.

      This is OUTER focus – what you are talking about. And the more you push back, fight back, and don’t take inner emotional responsibility, the MORE you simply hand a narcissist fuel. You FEED them, and they then push back harder and get worst.

      This is the mindset of “I am a victim, and you need to pay” then the narcissist acts out “I’ll GIVE you more of you being a victim”.

      To victims in that model – “Good luck with that!”

      The narcissists that I see “made accountable” are the ones that are detached from, up-levelled from, and starved of energy by their previous “victims” who are now evolving as a result of what happened.

      THAT is when karma returns to sender – each and every time. That is when narc’s bullying and legal antics fall apart, their lies and childish ridiculousness falls over and they get exposed.

      WHY? Its pure Law Of Attraction – so within so without – and now that the previous victim’s inner identity is no longer a victim – but an empowered reality – “Life” starts providing more proof of that, including ‘what is happening with the narc’.

      Forget “fighting for justice” it DOESN’T work – it never has (look at our world) – evolve instead.

      It’s much more powerful and would stop the ridiculous feeding of narcissists, by handing power over (intense attention) that is rife in narc abuse communities.

      Mel xo

    October 10, 2014

    Melanie you are amazing.Like another lady has posted on blog you have sent your mail at just the right time when things have been bad or shall I say at times I have needed to thrive! Also we do get the warning signs with people but we tend to hold on to the good parts, being good people ourselves. However, it does become quick relationships when you see signs and people do say “you are so fussy” and we listen….but then I gave up on love well over 7 years ago as I could not get it right and did not know why? Thankfully a relative who I would have taken a bullet for…..was holding the trigger and I have learnt so much, there has been a huge shift.. I will be honest I have gone from why me? victim to thankfully I can grow now. Your radio station, your mails have helped me sooooo much and one day I will be in financial position to buy all material. I have met other women at an anxiety group and they have had NARP relationships. I will carry on telling people your name and when they are ready to change thank God you are there to help. Thank you thank you thank you! Much love to you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Sally,

      I am so glad my material has helped you.

      That’s great that you wish to grow. When you do begin the transformational “inner” healing journey with QFH, you will start to see powerful breakthroughs.

      Thank you for passing me on to people Sally 🙂

      Mel xo

    Jasmine Wootton
    October 10, 2014

    Dear Melanie – How do I stop attracting men and women for that matter (bosses in the past) unconsciously – My father was a liar, a dreamer, he ignored me, he gambled and my mother committed suicide when I was 24 – they loved each other and he doted on her but he was always horrible to me – he was bullied by his mother and he always used to say that I reminded him of his mother – she was not a very nice woman at all and she always had to be the centre of attention and as a grandmother gave nothing – I felt awful to think that I reminded him of her and he said this to me from when I was about 10 – I could always see through him – What do I have to do to stop attracting these shitty self centred, selfish men ???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Jasmine,

      the answer is the same for all of us – we need to do inner work on our subconscious, and and we need a tool and a process to do that.

      That is what the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is – that process and tool.

      It’s all been “worked out” for you – you just need to commit and follow the instructions, and so much help comes on the journey with the NARP Private Community Forum – for any support that you need.

      Mel xo

    October 10, 2014

    Melanie, This is an outstanding article. I only browsed through it, but I need to inhale every single word later when I have more quiet time. It will be a milestone for my journey.

    October 10, 2014

    In that ‘taking medication’ seems to be included in your list of disempowering things to do in this article, I am wondering if you think it is ever appropriate to take medication? As a therapist myself and someone who experienced N-abuse at the hands of my family of origin, ex-husband, bosses and friends, I have taken medication in conjuction with therapy. Some medications have done me more harm that good, while a medication that has proven to be effective for me has truly in my mind been life saving. I used to think it was my job as a therapist to keep people off of medications, and while that might be ideal if a course of meds can get you out of the house, out of bed and calm/clear enough to participate in and benefit from therapy, then I fail to see the problem. I can’t help but become concerned when taking psychotropic medication is roundly portrayed as a wrong course of action.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Kathy,

      I believe there is a place for medication in certain cases.

      My point was if we are using medication to tell our emotional agony to “shut up” without wishing to find our painful patterns and embrace and transform our Inner Identities then we are living in the normal human model of “self-avoidance” (ignore the cause and just try to make the symptoms go away).

      This is a model where real healing never takes place.

      I personally have worked with many people who do take responsibility to evolve and take medication.

      Mel xo

    October 10, 2014


    This was such a powerful article. I will reread it and really immerse in it. I particularly liked that you gave an example. That really helped to ground the information into emotional understanding.

    I continue to be amazed at how far I have come. It has been one year since I moved out of my N relationship and I have had several lesser relationships–two neighbors, a co-worker, friends, a date–that all provide learning and “practice” for me. There is so much freedom in taking responsibility. I am surprised at how new I feel at drawing boundaries. I had no idea how I had been so trained to give over my power and to say “yes” when I needed to self-protect or say “no.” I was really trained to be a victim so I could be used and vampirized. It was as if I was taught to go out into the world, bare my neck and shout, “Free lunch!” Though I am awkward at it and uncomfortable I am learning to say no and to be visible not invisible.

    My favorite part was when you said, “Life doesn’t happen TO me, it happens THROUGH me.”

    Thank you for being such a great teacher and for showing us a bright and life changing truth over and over again. Repetition is surely a great learning mantra!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Laura G,

      I had a giggle at your expression “Free lunch” … boy I know I relate to having been that too!

      How wonderful that you are growing and evolving so much – and thank you for your post 🙂

      You are very welcome Laura! I feel very blessed that I have the job I do!

      Mel xo

    Marilyn Lundrigan
    October 10, 2014

    My Prayers Were Answered.
    I woke up today and I want to thank God/Universe/Being.
    My faith has always been strong, but not in a going to church kind of way, but more of a spiritual path, don’t get me wrong…. in my darkest hours, passing any church…. I have gone inside asking for guidance and peace.
    To ask a question I have been asking myself for the last couple of years and never found it. Or at least it seemed it was never answered.
    The question was …Why is everybody in my life leaving me, friends, aquaintanences, close family. No falling out…just people leaving.
    I could and did say …it must be me, I must have done something to hurt or annoy them…but no…. I cannot understand. They just left…. no answers…no goodbyes…nothing….for me no closure. The despair I felt at the time was horrendous, this is not one or two or even a couple…but a lot of people maybe 50 or more …all in a matter of two years.
    How could so many just up and leave without any explaination. The emotional, physical anguish I felt, blaming myself…. what did I’ do….how could they walk away from me. I couldn’t understand the reason. I withdrew into a shell of myself. Trying to find out why? I had always been a helper whether it physical or emotional, I took their pain and tried to help them. Not taking over but just being there. I had asked my doctor to get me to a therapist, he agreed and I went for an assessment to see what kind of therapy would suit me…the lady asked me a few questions.. like’ tell me a little about your life. So I flitted through a few things as we only had 45 minutes and she had to make an assessment. I nearly fell off my chair when she said to me…you have been subservient all of your life. WOW!!!!I couldn’t believe how she saw me, so I’m now waiting for my first appointment!!!!. But after her comment…it hit me like a ton of bricks. I went into the first church I saw and cried like a baby, not because I was hurt, but because she saw something in me that other people saw and treated me badly because of it. I acknowledge that I agreed to being treated this way, simply by not speaking back to these people…because I didn’t want to( hurt their feeling,) but it was okay to use me as their punch bag, or just to sound off too. I allowed it and have to take responsibility.
    Now in my life time I couldn’t find the right friends, I couldn’t please my family no matter what I did. I was always wrong…I shouted at God, the Universe, my family that had died years ago… just anyone …please help me!
    But no one came…I lost my faith albeit for a few short months and still the people left, everyone apart from 4 people. These people are so special to me. Because they are still here with me, 3 are in close range , my other friend is 3000 miles away in the USA. But they believed in me. And I will always be eternally grateful to them for their support and love.
    But the reason these other people were leaving me, not because I had …done anything wrong.
    God/The universe/Being…knew that I wouldn’t make the change myself…I didn’t have the courage, so I couldn’t see the lesson I was to learn, so they pulled these people from me. Very tactfully I might add…but just enough to notice…
    (that’s strange, they’re not answering my calls etc kinda way)
    +So now I want to say… Thank You to God/Universe/Being.
    My lesson was: I would never have been this internally and emotionally strong, that I don’t now need people, family or friends to feel significant. I am significant. Period. With all these people in my life…my life would never have changed…and I would still be asking why!!!!

    God/Universe/Being… heard my cries for help, they gave that to me… but not in a way I had envisaged. I had to learn this lesson the hard way, but now I understand!!!
    Nothing you ask for comes… how you want it, you get what you need… so that help’s you on your own journey.
    By withdrawing of these people…I had to stand alone and find my inner strength to move forward. It was about me…I didn’t realise it at the time but they (God/Universe/Being…. were hearing my cries…I just couldn’t hear or see it because I was so wrapped up in my pain

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2014

      Hi Marilyn,

      you have hit the nail on the head.

      “I don’t need these people for my significance – I am significant”.

      This does NOT mean you are supposed to be an island … living alone.

      What it means is that when we are sourcing life, self-esteem, self-love and well being directly with Source / God / Existence / “Life”, people start relating to us in ways that match how we value ourselves.

      When we were dependent on these things from false substitutes (other people) then they can only reflect back to us how we REALLY feel about ourselves.

      This is fantastic that your prayers have been answered and your evolution begins Marilyn!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

    October 13, 2014

    Soul raped again, this time by the justice system. In my state of the U.S, a woman cannot divorce a man, who is unwilling to do so because he wants to keep control of all the marital assets, unless she has grounds for divorce. Judge ruled the the Narc treatment of me was normal marital treatment of a man to his wife. I don’t think he would agree if his daughter was being treated in like manner. Back to my NARP program. Thank you Melanie for your program, it is my life preserver in the stormy waters of life with a pathological person.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 13, 2014

      Hi Esther,

      I am so sorry you are going through that injustice.

      Goodness me – are we still in the dark ages, in certain parts of apparently civilized countries?

      Esther, dear lady, keep releasing and uplevelling, and ‘a way’ will appear – you are the power within – remember that.

      Hugs, love and strength.

      Mel xo

    alexandria lange
    October 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie, Thankyou so much for this latest info. It is so much what I needed to hear today as I have just decided to go back into my own business. I now feel ready, inspired and no longer fearful! I have truly learnt so much from the NARP Programme and EBooks which I continue to learn and grow from.

    Melanie, I want to thankyou for everything as your programme has truly changed my life!!!! Love and light xxoo

    narc abused
    October 14, 2014

    Thank You Mel for your reply. The reason you are such a good teacher [apart from all the rest you do for the N-community] is that you go the extra mile to read a post and respond to all possible directions you may perceive —-to re-align the focus back to the issue in question. that is the extra depth you offer which is Crystal !!! So THANK YOU. I got both your sides to my post. Albert Einstein said : you cannot solve a problem with the same mind-set or consciousnesss that created it”. Who would ever realize the true significance of this bottomline, in a pure evil like NPD+more !!! To get justice on the outside — one has to FIRST get justice within one’s own self— as deep as the abuse of evil !!! Thank you for all the healing programs you have offered. I remain amazed by the nature and depth of your services.

    narc abused
    October 14, 2014

    Marilyn —- thanks for sharing !!! you have shown that being ever more good to one’s own self ever as one’s own fundamental human and divine right is all that there is to human existence. Authentically as Mel reveals. Rest is all perks and bonus. God bless you.

    October 20, 2014

    Hi Mel,

    Earlier this week I had surgery for breast cancer. I have followed you and your program for over a year and when I saw this post I knew I had to listen to it. Two things I said to myself when I was diagnosed, I need to be stronger and smarter in my life. Hard thing to do when you’re in pain and feeling more vulnerable than ever before. I’m not longer with my narc husband (it’s been 14 yrs and I’ve lived through having my older son turned against me. They both love me and are now 19 and 23 Not so funny that I poured so much energy into a great paying job but worked for narc people. I’m also engaged to a man who has helped me but who needs to feel powerful and in control and I see how I relinquish mine. I don’t know when the cancer started to grow. I’m a fantasticly healthy eater and look 15 years younger than my 50 years although I am afraid of what will happen to me with chemo. I do feel vulnerable now, afraid of security but know that I need to change my life in some way to be able to not kill myself for approval and money. Thank you for your post to remind me that security has always been my primal fear and that I must always look that square in the face. xox Lorig

    February 1, 2015

    hi ,
    just one discernment and discrimination. unless one gets true evil,(npd) and how it has true control, power, influence over the good (co-dep) —[ for in the human world there are only these 2 personalities fundamentally, as stand alone extremes.] such that it can transform the good into self-destructive evil — one simply can’t get back to one’s own real source / root / origin of true state of being. even conceptually. unless one can see clearly : M. Scott Peck calls it the searing vision [ his book : people of the lie worthy read] — both evil and the noble and all in between — the inside jobs of the cosmic creator— one can’t truly even consider recovering. perhaps this is for those who have seen much negative all round, are circumstantially challenged, apart from the horror of high-level prolonged [ high-profile ] npd abuse, [stealth, covert, undercover literally]. i took the reverse path of seeking answers spiritually, had to …the life mess waste was /is in my face 24/7…and funnily enough was led from one thing to another by the cosmic energy !!! led me to rock bottom and dark night of the soul. though had I not started with Mel’s work, would have no dot to start with. today have connected a few dots, re: my seeking and now ready for Mel’s work. Else spirit of me and my child was /is dead. reviving it. Such is the scope / range / reach of human evil. I agree with your article today, infact reading it since yesterday…and you are bang on, as usual Mel. without a spiritual connect within, we would indeed remain evil and noble humans and no more. though human form is way more !!! thank you

    February 1, 2015

    and have posted your programs and articles : select on a discussion group where we help each other with life’s issues and deeper ways to resolve them. just spreading your work.

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