Melanie Tonia Evans

Why I Learnt To Embrace My Breakdowns

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 5
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

I felt really inspired to write this article and do a radio show on this topic – because more than ever I am noticing within the New Life Community, and all sorts of people I know, that BIG things are happening.

Over the last couple of years many relationships have ended and all sorts of things in people’s lives are being shaken up. Maybe you are witnessing the same thing. I am also noticing people in droves saying “I just can’t keep going on like this anymore”.

Sometimes in blogs and replies I have touched on my belief that we are all ‘shifting’ – that we are evolving from being in our ego (fear and pain) into our True Self nature which is peace, harmony, reverence and Oneness with life.

Time has sped up – even little children think time goes quickly now (just ask them…) and I really do believe that humankind is ascending – evolving – now at a faster speed than ever  before.

For a very long time I have been fascinated by quantum mechanics and deep metaphysical systems of life. I have found these systems to hold astounding information. According to many astrologers what ‘this time’ is about is exactly what the Mayans documented thousands of years ago – the shift from the era of Power (ego) to the era of co-creative consciousness (Oneness).

One of the most powerful ways I have discovered to shift out of egoic pain and fear is to embrace the experiences which bring them up.

I am talking about the breakdowns – which is when you feel a trigger so deep within your core that you feel the pain throughout every cell of your body.

This article is going to explain why I have learnt to embrace these painful moments in my life, and how you can do the same to experience phenomenal growth, evolution and expansion.

 

The Need to Become Authentic

I believe we are all undergoing this ‘shift’ whether we like it or not – and we now reside in the energy of co-creative consciousness. Which means we must create from our Inner Being. We have to be a ‘match’ to the energy of the results we want.

Gary Zukav is very precise about this. His message carries as: It doesn’t matter what we ‘pretend’ to be in the world, our direct results will be a match for our emotional intention behind our ‘doing’ statement.

This means we need to be emotionally authentic and come from an authentic place in order to procure authentic results. If our actions are created from our ego – emptiness, pain and fear – the energetic vibration that we live in no longer supports this energy.

Many of us – if not all of us – have experienced a real shaking up of our fearful, painful parts. You may have realised that the aspects of your life which were not real (such as your narcissistic relationship) crumbled, and we simply can’t hang on to what is false and continue to live a lie anymore.

In fact any part of our life which isn’t authentically aligned with Who We Really Are no longer works, no matter how much our ego would like to stay stuck in these ‘old ways’.

The fear of this energetic shift can feel like anger, terror, hopelessness and extreme powerlessness. It may feel like you are literally hanging on for grim death trying to find ways to feel better, but the old ‘fixes’ just don’t bring relief anymore.

The truth is any substitute for your authentic self is not meant to work anymore.

This is an era of getting real and genuinely and authentically claiming and connecting with your true, inner authentic power.

It is only possible for you to evolve if you stop thrashing around, take your hands off the oars of your resistance, stop struggling and fighting and go inwards to embrace yourself and heal.

 

Our Egoic Parts

Within every one of us is unhealed egoic parts – these are the parts of us which are in fear, pain and limiting belief systems about ourself and life. These are the parts of us that are stuck in lack – there is not enough love, security or survival – and beliefs of non-deservedness. These are the parts of us which are not connected to loving, accepting and approving of ourselves, and have tried to get these fundaments of ourself from outside of ourself.

These are the parts of us which don’t feel worthy or full, or believe that we can be a healthy Source to ourself.

These parts hurt. They hurt because they are not aligned with the truth of Who We Are. They are not how our Inner Being, Source Energy or our Soul really sees us. Not only do these parts hurt, they also have a nasty habit of attracting the people and experiences which are a match for these fearful, insecure, painful parts.

It is in fact the experiences outside of ourself which let us know that deep within – as a belief system – something is amiss. The greater the unhealed part, the more the pain which is delivered.

When an outer event and an inner painful unhealed wound collide, there is an eruption of painful emotion – and it can feel like a breakdown. A breakdown means that our ego did not get its own way.  That thing on the ‘outside’ that we wanted to behave, do or perform in a certain way didn’t.

In effect what happened is: we did not receive the very thing from outside of ourself that our unhealed part wanted to get as a ‘fix’ to feel better.

I’ll give you an example. You feel ‘unloveable’ – this is the inner belief you have about yourself. You then go to the person that you wish to ‘love’ you – they don’t. They abandon you instead.

Your unhealed wound has just played out a direct manifestation of itself. Your unhealed wound did not get the co-dependent fix – someone giving you the ‘love’ rather than you taking responsibility and healing your own level of self-love.

The ego feels shattered, and emptier than it did before the event occurred.

There are three choices you can make with the breakdown experience

1) Grab another fix, as a substitute person, addiction or thing to try to fill yourself up with feelings of worthiness or ‘being loveable’.

2) Take medication, or self-medicate with alcohol or drugs to try to numb the pain.

3) Go inside and heal the original wound so that it can be sorted, rather than try to avoid the pain from the original wound that is never going to stop presenting until you attend to it.

 

The True Reason For Breakdowns

Ok so the point to this is your breakdowns are a really good thing. And I am going to explain in detail why…

Truly you can start understanding this – so that you can embrace breakdowns for EXACTLY the purpose that they were intended, which is:  Your Inner Being getting your attention to heal something you need to heal, and so that you don’t have to keep living through the same breakdown experiences time after time after time.

I don’t know who many people in the NARC Facebook Group, and who are doing the NARP Program have times when they literally hit the ground – absolutely. In fact people who have been narcissistically abused are all doing this, whether or not they are working on their inner selves.

The difference is – are these breakdowns in continuous repeat, or is there an end in sight.

These breakdowns may be times when triggered by something the narcissist has done – or they may be when stuff comes up and it feels like an internal emotional bomb has gone off.

All of this is a regular part of the recovery journey of narcissistic abuse.

The deal is – the people who start breaking through to freedom and recovery – like Rozanne in last week’s Thriver Story recognise the significance of these breakdowns. They go to them on an inner level and shift the defunct inner story that was causing their pain to begin with.

When you have the tools to do that, and you make your highest mission in life to evolve from pain and fear (the limited egoic self) into your True Self nature (wellbeing, love confidence and abundance) no longer will you need to avoid the pain or self-avoid through the use of outer fixes.

You understand how powerless and self-defeating it is to do that.

You realise that trying to avoid the pain means that you will keep living out the results of internal limiting beliefs over and over again. This is a path that many people feel so frustrated with as a result of narcissistic abuse. They declare “Why doesn’t the pain stop, and why do I go over and over the same obsessions time and time again?” And “Why doesn’t he or she stop doing the behaviour which is hurting me?”

Until you realise that each and every one of the breakdowns is pointing to a matching belief system within yourself that requires your attention (hence why the emotional pain) then you are not going to make this inner healing adjustment.

Your Soul wants you to do it, and your subconscious is demanding that you do it (screaming at you for your attention), and the pain is not going to let up on you until you do make this inner adjustment.

You are supposed to evolve – we all are.

 

How to Turn Breakdowns into Breakthroughs

I would love to explain simply the formula for turning breakdowns into breakthroughs.

When you get hit with painful emotions – as soon as you get some time to yourself STOP. Know this painful emotion is an inner defunct belief calling out for your attention.

Here is your list of don’ts. This is the VERY opposite that human living has taught you!

Don’t:

1) Look to the outside to ‘blame’ the reason for your emotional pain. This is your egoic mind taking over that is going to take you on a path away from healing yourself.

2) Do anything in the outer world before attending to your inner vibration first. If you make any decision or action from a place of fear, pain or emptiness the outer reactions and results from people and situations will MATCH and ADD MORE TO your fear, pain and emptiness.

3) Grab an addiction or a fix to fill the empty gaping hole, or emotional panic that the pain is causing. This is simply self-avoidance, and means you are signing up for ‘more of’ the same pain down the track.

4) Start mentally beating yourself up for feeling this way. This is self-rejection which only adds fuel to the ego separating you from yourself and convincing you that you are empty, unlovable and unworthy.

5) Push yourself to ignore the pain with a distraction. This is simply another way of creating self-avoidance and not healing the defunct inner belief.

6) Go into any story ‘in your head’ about the pain. Doing so causes ‘blender brain’. Your mind has no ability to rationalise, soothe or heal your emotional inner being. It simply does not have the resources.

Okay here is what you need to create your breakthrough instead.

1) Stop thinking and trying to work out the pain analytically and start feeling instead. Drop right into the pain and then say to yourself or out loud “I bless and accept this pain because it is trying to tell me something. I give myself permission to fully be in it – it is safe.”

2) Ensure you grant yourself love and support whilst feeling into your pain. Know that doing so is the MOST VITAL element of being self-love and self-acceptance to yourself. Self-love is SIMPLY this – the willingness to be with yourself (partner rather than self-reject or self-loathe) at your MOST vulnerable and insecure times.

3) Realise the outer person or situation is only a trigger. What hurts inside you is not to do with them – they have simply brought an unhealed wound that is yours to the surface for you.

4) When feeling into your pain allow yourself to be very vulnerable. You are making contact with the most scared, fearful and insecure parts of yourself. By connecting with these parts you will ‘be with them’ and can ask lovingly ‘What is this about?’ and be fully present to validate and listen. By being vulnerable and real and open with yourself (trusting yourself fully) you will get your answers.

5) At the very least process what the pain is really about by writing it out, so that you can finally realise what is genuinely causing the inner pain and the outer painful results in your life.

6) If you have one of my Quanta Freedom Courses shift the pain and the associated belief systems with the use of a Healing Module. By doing so you can release the pain, the limiting belief that is causing the pain, and download the new belief system(s) you want on this topic directly into your subconscious within minutes.

After shifting a painful limited belief (unhealed part) the relief and ‘rise’ you get on the other side is equal to the level of pain your felt when the breakdown occurred.

This is the wonderful part. If the emotional pain before the shift felt like a fully blown 10/10, after doing a shift the relief and feeling of freedom will match that intensity.

Breakdowns are the springboard when they are fully recognised and embraced to catapult your personal growth to incredible accelerations and heights

No matter what your life looks like now – breakdowns truly are the gateway to your glorious future.

 

Embracing The Breakdown / Breakthrough Process

I am a huge fan of breakdowns / breakthroughs.

There is no doubt I have had to do a ton of work on my Inner Being. I had so many limited and fearful beliefs that I wonder now looking back at that level of ‘normal’ – how on earth I was ‘living’.  Of course my previous state was my level of ‘normal’, yet now I know how abnormal and unhealthy it was, as well as how much healthier and normal my life is now.

I don’t even resemble the person I previously was. I have literally rewired my brain and my Inner Being – belief system by belief system.

It took two narcissistic abuse experiences to really show me what my unhealed wounds were, and how many fearful, powerless parts of myself were in fact a perfect match for narcissists – hence why these relationships happened.

We all know the pain of being in narcissistic relationships and that finally you have to get strong enough to leave the narcissist and stay away. We also know that when leaving a narcissist the pain gets worse before it gets better, because the withdrawal from the addiction to the narcissist hits very hard.

The illusion during this time of withdrawal is that we are missing the narcissist, and we really love him or her deeply. We may believe we can’t survive without him or her, and that life will have no love, meaning, purpose, joy or achievement without him or her.

The truth of the matter is the addiction we feel has nothing to do with love in any shape or form – it is all to do with trauma bonding, we have a myriad of unhealed parts within us which are trying to ‘get their fix’ through hooking back into the narcissist.

These unhealed parts are being controlled by our ego – which is screaming to get the narcissist to fix, soothe and fill the pain and the emptiness for us. These parts feel powerless, out of control and completely addicted, dependent and helpless.

These unhealed parts actually have nothing to do with the narcissist. They are all to do with ourself. The narcissist was simply the trigger bringing them to our awareness. If that particular narcissist hadn’t shown up in our life, another narcissist would have filled his or her place. We needed the message at this level.

The sooner we start taking responsibility for and healing these unhealed parts the sooner the illusion is broken, the sooner we are free, and the sooner we start living a version of life we have never previously lived – not even before the narcissist.

When we embrace and heal these unhealed parts we feel no more connection, fear, and attraction or energy exchange with the narcissist at all. We are no longer a match for narcissistic abuse realities.

But this takes work. Absolutely…

Narcissistic abuse is a make or break experience.

It is a journey of disintegration or integration.

It is journey of staying in survival and contraction or gaining evolution and expansion.

We can claim a far greater, expansive, evolved version of life – or continue to live out a severely contracted and fearful life as a result of what happened.

The total key is working DIRECTLY with our breakdown experiences to turn them into breakthroughs, KNOWING every single one of them offers that opportunity, and realising that if we stay stuck and don’t evolve that we are in great danger of staying attached to the source of the pain, giving in and continuing to live out narcissistic abuse.

If we don’t heed the breakdown moments, we sabotage ourself and go backwards instead of forwards.

This is not a journey for the light-hearted. It takes immense courage. However the more you step up to the plate for yourself the easier it gets,  and you WILL start flowing confidently with the breakdown / breakthroughs process.

This is how I work with ‘breakdown / breakthrough’. When I feel emotional pain I refuse to go into the logical ‘story’, and as soon as I can I get my tissue box (permission to myself to be vulnerable) sit with a journal and pen and start the Quanta Freedom Healing process.

I then go FULLY into the pain, knowing how vital it is to be vulnerable with myself, and fully feel what I am feeling. I love myself in this process like a caring loving adult with a small scared and hurt child. I ask myself ‘What is this about?’ I always get my answer immediately. This has happened for quite some time as a result of doing regular and committed work on myself. My question ‘What is this about?’  is directed at myself – knowing whatever hurts is my belief, the outer experience or person is simply a trigger – it is not even about them.

Sometimes the answer is obvious, and sometimes the answer blows me away – because it was not something I was EVER going to be consciously aware of.

I am contacting my inner being, which holds all the answers and my truth. Many of these truths are deeply subconscious and are not going to be recognised until the pathway through the emotional self is contacted. My logical rational mind is so incredibly limited in granting the true answers – because it simply does not have a connection with my Inner Being, and its function is to look outwards and not inwards.

It is only by finding this inner defunct belief, being fully willing to feel the pain of it, and take full responsibility for it, that it can be released and cease to have power over me anymore.

Exactly the same truth exists for you…

When fully going into the pain it can feel extreme – yet the interesting thing about pain is it always feels incredibly painful when it is disowned – because it has to scream louder for your attention.

No matter how emotionally painful something is, when you fully embrace the pain with total acceptance and zero resistance it is completely bearable. It immediately feels better. Furthermore the relief on the other side of energetic shifts only minutes later feels like the joy and liberation of having given birth after a painful labour.

You are in fact holding a new baby – a New Self. One who NO LONGER has that particular limiting belief creating pain and dysfunctions in your life.

Truly you know when you have shifted something powerfully – because the obsessive thoughts and painful emotions and outer occurrences that trigger you just don’t happen anymore.

 

How Long Does it Take to Evolve

The difference between the time it took me to recover from narcissistic abuse years ago as compared to an incredibly accelerated process with my second narcissistic abuse experience was all to do with the breakdown / breakthrough process. First time around it took me a long time to ‘get it’.

The reason I broke down so horribly and took longer to heal the first time is because I did not understand the breakdown / breakthrough experience. And of course the breakdowns had to get heavier and harder and harder to get my attention.

The second time around my unhealed wounds had my full attention and loving commitment from the very day I realised I had been in a relationship with an altruistic narcissist, and I was not tempted to break No Contact once because I was able to release and transform pain very quickly and powerfully and reduce the addiction to becoming non-existent.

I knew that every amount of emotional pain I felt (and of course it was intense) was the key that would lead me directly inside to myself to EXACTLY what I needed to claim, transform and heal.

All I had to do was be prepared to embrace the pain and work with it…

This is why I believe outside therapy is not your answer – unless that answer is teaching you how to directly embrace yourself and be your own healer.

No-one has your inner emotions. They do not have your Inner Being, your inner defunct belief systems or your triggered emotions…

Only You Do…

I don’t have your Inner Being, I can only show you and grant you the process so that you can attend to it.

It’s important to know that your breakdowns are the greatest gifts, because they grant you the ability to transform a limited belief totally. When the pain is immense, and up and energised it is time for it to be shifted. When you have the tool, and when you have the courage, awareness and know you want to evolve, truly it becomes easy – it becomes powerful as you start flowing with the process.

You can bless the breakdowns, because you know they herald another incredible shift in powerful growth.

The more you shift, the more conscious, empowered, healthy and expansive you become. This isn’t possible without the breakdowns. Then the breakdowns cease to be breakdowns – your Soul knows it has your attention, and then the intense times of pain start changing into simply being cues, messages, or intuitive feelings.

This is generally my experience now. It is as if my Inner Being says ‘I know you take notice, so here is your intuitive message regarding what you need to shift to keep evolving. I don’t need to wack you over the head with a shovel anymore to get your attention!’

It doesn’t matter in the slightest if a painful wake-up call comes again because it is simply a doorway through to a better way of being and a better life.

What happens is the more you become consciously connected to and working with yourself, your life transforms from a  ‘rollercoaster’ to a much more gentle path of continuous and glorious growth and evolution.

The more and more pain and fear you transform, the more space you open up for the joy and wonder of life. You have room within you for the good stuff, and you are no longer living in the repeat of ‘when is the pain going to end?’. You start fast tracking towards the light at the end of the tunnel, and you actually become the light, and you know it.

If you go back through some of my blogs and read certain comments of people you will read the theme in their words. You will clearly identify the people who are doing the breakdown / breakthrough experiences. These people are easily identifiable simply with their words – because they are shifting big piles of negative belief systems out of their body and creating the breakthroughs we all dream of.

I noticed after reading the comments on Rozanne’s story last week, and as a result of receiving  emails from NARP members starting their journey last week as well – that many new people are choosing this path. This is glorious to see!

Taking our path of direct evolution requires a huge shift in perception from negative emotion is ‘a bad thing’ to recognising how powerfully it is ‘a good thing’.

The truth is we are never going to stop evolving and we may never be fully evolved. Why would we want to stop learning and growing?

I do know this – we can choose to evolve – and by doing so we move out of survival (ego) into creation (our True Self). The difference is astounding. We transcend pain and powerlessness and move toward liberation and joy.

What I would really like you to take from this article is to change the way you look at emotional pain. I challenge you to turn your belief systems around 180 degrees.

Another 180 degree turn for you is this: your pain has nothing to do with the outside – that particular situation or person. Those people and things are ONLY triggers showing you what you have got going on within you that needs healing – period.

In fact when we get to become conscious and move towards higher stages of personal development we can thank that person and experience for showing up and helping us out with what we needed to heal. As Neale Donald Walsh states in Conversations With God – “I only send you angels’.

When we make our relationship with life and others all about our essential relationship with ourself  – not only do we get to heal these unhealed parts and truly experience the fulfilment of feeling wonderful, loving and fulfilled in our own skin – we also get to share, give and receive incredible fulfilment and love with other healthy people…

What else is there to do if we wish to claim our true life?

In closing these are our choices:

1) stay in repeat breakdowns with no end in sight, or

2) truly claim the breakdown / breakthrough experiences which changes our life from the inside out beyond description.

I hope this article helps you change your perception about breakdowns.

I would love to here if you are up to the challenge of embracing your breakdowns – going deep within yourself and creating breakthroughs.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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90 Thoughts on Why I Learnt To Embrace My Breakdowns
  • lee.21.hill@gmail.com'
    Sharon Lee
    May 29, 2013

    My third narcissistic break up caused me to break down and get lupus ( I believe it triggered it) I finally had to look at my own inner emptiness and it was hell. Finally, after trying everything, including therapy( which I agree just kept me in the story) finally though breaking down, I was forced to face my hollow pain and low self esteem. I call it ‘ a break out!’ because I have reborn and even though it’s still raw, I know everything is resonating with a steady feeling of strength and self love..For the first time ever, in my whole 55 years on the planet. I love these blogs Melonie!! They really have helped me heal. Xxxxxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2013

      Hi Sharon,

      I love your self-ownership and evolved perception – that is EXACTLY what has now put you on the path to recovery! Great job 🙂

      Keep it up – because tehre is nothing of value in the old ‘outer’ ways…All happiness, love and success come from inner-sight (insight)..

      Love that you are now becoming your own True Healer.

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • friffie57@yahoo.com'
    frith
    May 29, 2013

    Absolutely hits the spot ..again thank you Melanie..I have absolutely chosen to embrace the breakdown as a breakthrough and the gratitude for the “gift” for ME is huge…the manifestations of healing using the NARP programme are really evident in my life everyday. Great timing today I had a day of going to the doctors to end taking meds for my now healthy healing self- I mean like blood pressure things etc. I am melting my outer body away to meet my now gorgeous inner being, eyes tested..”perfectly healthy” no need for the glasses I used to wear anymore..just some for long computer work hours..I am thinking it’s because I see clearly now…and on it went all day…then a lovely walk with my dog and strolling along thinking WOW I am so lucky,,I have spent the last 8 months or so looking after me, makeup lessons at 56!!! hahaaa,booking appointments to look after my skin, buying clothes that reflect who I truly am, going for overseas holidays and not to sound all about the money stuff. But 8 months ago I could never have imagined looking after “me” like this it was all about scrimping on me to look after ..him…so much to be truly grateful for. I have joined a meet up group and love going out meeting new people things I would have given myself every excuse under the sun to not do a while ago, love practicing looking for the plentiful red flags out there identifying them and being very thankful I can see them so easily, At home at peace, laughing almost dancing around all afternoon to great music cooking away and loving my simple life. Thank you so much for the program that enabled me to see and believe in me….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2013

      Hi Frith,

      thank you so much for your post. It is such a gorgeous priviledge seeing you go from strength to strength – and watching you do this SO quickly…

      The defining factor (the same for me after 2nd narc rship) was to go STRAIGHT into the breakdowns without fear to shift them with QFH…and to come powerfully up and out the other side.

      I am so thrilled for you that you are having such gorgeous, expansive experiences of love, freedom and joy – because that is truly what life out the other side of narcissistic abuse is all about – at an incredible level 🙂

      It is about knowing ourselves as authentic creators from the inside out – and knowing the truth – that Life, Source and our Inner Being absolutely adore us and grant us all the good there is to be, have and live 🙂

      Mel xo

    • laface2010@yahoo.com'
      Luann
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Frith-

      I just wanted to say thanks for posting this comment. Pretty inspiring. It’s good to read something that brings a smile to my face and this did. 🙂

  • lfowler2004@comcast.net'
    Elle
    May 29, 2013

    This is an amazing article. I was getting bummed that as soon as I was feeling a not more stable, I would be hit with an emotional storm…but then I read a prior blog about blessing the pain & sitting with it and it helps…and brings up so much past pain. I realized shortly after my ex left that I didn’t miss jim so much as the attention he gave he gave to me and the way he “made me feel” worthy. I have absorbed a lot of criticism in my life and need to learn how to let it go & reaaly know and feel how worthwhile and sufficient I am.

    TY

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2013

      Hi Elle,

      I hope that you have now realised the emotional storms are so necessary to find and release what it is that we need to heal.

      It is great that you have understood that this experience was absolutely about coming home to yourself and establishing YOU as your own internal worthiness, love and approval.

      There was never any ability to receive or accept that from others or life unless we become that authentically to ourself.

      Mel xo

  • lorna.tough58@gmail.com'
    Lorna Tough
    May 29, 2013

    Wow, Melanie – what a powerful blog!

    Only yesterday I spoke with two friends and said I was on collision course for a mental breakdown. I had arrived at the point where I could take no more of life’s stresses. I was on overload. I told them I had to stop, to be still for a long while, heal myself, heal my heart.

    Yesterday was a very dark day for me, the actual day itself was gloomy with dark skies and endless rain. I craved sunshine, I craved feeling lighter of heart.

    I woke this morning very early, dawn was rising and there was a thick mist. My heart felt heavy at the thought of another dark, depressing day. Your email arrived in my Inbox and by the time I had read it to the end the mist had burned off and the sun came through in all its glory! I took this as a sign that my life’s journey was about to start.

    For fifteen years I have asked myself what my relationship with my husband was all about, why did I stay when it was so one-sided with the focus always being on his needs, his desires, his interpretation of the world. One act of defiance last year has culminated in us getting divorced, my actions were never intended to bring about this result but I realise now something in my inner core had reached the limit of being controlled to the point I felt utterly powerless.

    So much has happened in the last eighteen months but I realise now each event had a meaning. It is as if some Higher Power has been leading me to a level of awareness.

    My journey has only just begun, it has been a very painful path, but just as the sun is shining outside my world I feel a glimmer of sunshine within me. I have learned much about people I considered friends. Some I have now discarded knowing that they too have had a narcissistic power over me. The ones that have shown me support and a belief in me will I’m sure be friends for life.

    Let the journey commence! Thank you so much for sharing your enlightenment, Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2013

      Hi Lorna,

      I am so glad that this article arrived at the right time for you – so that you know all of this pain getting to a level of utter breakdown is your personal catharsis.

      It is when people state ‘I CANT go on like this anymore’ – that complete personal transformation is TRULY possible…

      If you choose to ‘see’ this – this is your turning point…

      This is fantastic that you now wish to step on to the journey. Please look at NARP Lorna to assist that, as it is the most powerful, fast, supportive and effective way I know how to create your breakthroughs.

      Mel xo

  • pommnitz@gmail.com'
    Maren
    May 29, 2013

    Dear Melanie,

    this article was super helpful.
    I started working with NARP almost three weeks ago. In the beginning I did one session every day. Now it really depends on what is coming up, but I am still repeating many of these sessions frequently.

    My dad is currently in the hospital and had a surgery yesterday. During this time, I still have emotional storms that sometimes are not very encouraging. I honestly thought two days ago while I could not sleep all night long. Oh man if a narcisstic person feels like this every minute of the day. Gosh this must be the most horrible life on earth. While feeling all of this I already realized, it wants to tell me I need to heal more and I did at least three sessions of NARP that night. Also because this addiction to my ex partner still hits in from time to time, which honestly frusturates me. However, as soon as I start doing the sessions, I start feeling peace internally, which is really giving me hope that there is a light at the end of this narcisstic abuse tunnel and a whole life of abusing/neglecting myself too.

    After reading this article, I figured that I need to work on accepting the gifts and change my belief system about breakdowns and those storms coming up. Probably those are just my chances to go back and heal even more.

    I would still like to join the Facebook group, because I sometimes have questions about NARP and I wonder how others work on healing themselves. For this I even created a new account, because I deleted my old one after the last break up in order to have a new start into my life. I signed up for a gym and a relaxation class. I got a new hair cut and a new pair of shoes. I even changed the hotel next to the hospital, because it was just not an environment that supported my emotional well being. However, I think I need to explore even more options on how to change myself. When I click on the buttons on your webpage that are supposed to lead me to the facebook group, it shows an empty screen and a https link. Is there any way to join the facebook group?

    Thanks a lot for all of these healing resources and the last article.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2013

      Hi Maren,

      I am so glad the article shed light for you.

      It is really important to realise that each agonising emotion is leading directly inwards to an unhealed belief system that can be released, transformed and therefore will no longer exist…Yay!

      That is what personal evolution truly is!

      So think of the painful emotion as screaming out to you ‘PLEASE…come here…ADJUST me!!!’

      This is fantastic that you are already feeling results Maren from working with NARP. You are doing the right thing by working Modules regularly.

      Maren, you have only just started the journey and the beginning is intense. What happens is when you clear pain -‘other’ pain (limiting beliefs) rush up to the surface and so on and so forth….

      There is EXTREME amounts of pain (defunct inner beliefs) involved with narc abuse, and at the beginning it can feel like ‘one after the other’…

      However after a period of time after clearing so much junk (and often this is only weeks) you will start to feel relief, freedom and space.

      All the time you simply need to keep your heart and mind open to ‘Okay if something hits emotionally – I’m just going to keep connecting to loving and supporting myself, learning more about my Inner Being and keep clearing’…and then what happens is it just gets less and less, or the ‘messages’ (as I stated in the article) are more likely to be delivered as intuitive messages instead of hard and heavy emotional pain..

      But this ONLY occurs when you have stopped resisting or avoiding negative emotions – and are fully prepared to go to them and work with them…

      In regard to the Facebbok Group it has now become a secret group for additional security and we are changing details on the website. I will email you with details to bring you into the Group.

      Yes outer changes are good – but true healing is the inner changes – and committing to those. Because from there we make healthy and life-affirming choices in life – that’s just what we do when we authentically love and honour ourself.

      Thank you for you post Maren and keep clearing 🙂 You are doing great…

      Mel xo

  • rachelgideon@yahoo.com'
    rachel
    May 29, 2013

    Hello,

    I have been clearing and shifting stuff and staying up late because i feel the urgency within me to heal…sending kind thoughts to all who are working through the NARP program…Blessings to you all..

    Blessings to you Melanie..truly God sends us only angels and you are one!

    Love Rachel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Rachel,

      that is great that you have been putting in a lot of effort…it certainly does facilitate big breakthroughs…

      Thank you for your gorgeous words Rachel and for your well wishes and blessings to the community…

      Mel xo

  • susan.morgan@wales.nhs.uk'
    susan
    May 29, 2013

    As always, awesome. Thank you Melanie. I have been struggling with a second wave of pain after doing a lot of work. I thought I’d never be healed and it would never end. I see it for what it is now, my remaining unhealed parts revealing themselves to be healed. Thank you and bless you.

    Susan

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Susan,

      I am so pleased this article came when necessary. Please know within these ongoing energy shifts now SO MANY people are feeling emotional pain – and it is intense…

      All you need to know is – this is an unhealed inner beloef system that can NOW be released and transformed so that you can truly go free…

      Because it is MEANT to be released and transformed the pain has got intense…and when we get more skilled at listening and becoming conscious regarding our emotions then the process becomes wonderful and incredibly empowering.

      You are so welcome Susan, and bless you too!

      Mel xo

  • caron.walker1@gmail.com'
    Caz
    May 29, 2013

    Your timing is once again spot on. I have actually noticed that everything in my life is falling into place and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Little things, for example when I wake up every morning, I close my eyes and randomly choose an affirmation from a list I drew up. Yesterday’s affirmation was ‘Freedom and change are in the air and I embrace it’. My affirmation this morning is ‘Every change in my life lifts me to a new level of understanding’. I feel the shifts and also truly believe that big things are happening, that the world is evolving.

    Yes, breakdowns are definitely breakthroughs and teach me so much more about myself and what needs to be healed within me. I am really enjoying this discovery of self. I have a bounce in my step again, and look forward to each new day.
    Thank you Mel for providing the tools on how to discover my inner self.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Caz,

      This is lovely you are connected to the synchroniscity of this community 🙂

      I love reading that you are in Oneness and Flow – this is total confirmation that you have cleared a lot of limiting beliefs in order to be living in this state.

      Gorgeous that you are doing the work, embrace breakdowns / breakthroughs and are loving the Inner You…

      You truly have the formula of evolution embodied – hence your results.

      Keep up the wonderful work Caz 🙂

      Mel xo

  • helensianbowen@gmail.com'
    Helen
    May 29, 2013

    Syncronicity or what. 18 months ago my Narc husband ran out the door 2 weeks before Xmas to ‘be in the outside world. In reality he was going to live with a younger woman. I was in complete and utter shock. I had no job, I was training to be a homoeopath. A week after he lefy he wanted our home sold as he was so in debt.I found out he’d defrauded me by forging my signature. I spoke to him and told him I knew about the fraud and he laughed in my face ‘Do you know how much that’s going to cost you to prove’. I went to the police and he’s going to court next month. My Mum is a NARC, a real nasty nasty one. My husband was more charming on the surface but the abuse was awful, I don’t think I knew which day of the week it was by the end as he lied so much to me. So I’m on the road to healing and its been tough but insightful and the NARC programme has been a lifesaver. Last night, my Mother who I have limited contact with tells me my brother has moved to Portugal a few weesk ago. Again its a repeat – must have planned it, I’m the last to know and he is expecting me to take care of my parents who both have dementia. This blog is exactly what I needed this morning. I am sitting in the office,(sorry boss!) writing it all down, sitting with the pain & everything is becoming clearer. Thank you Melanie xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Helen,

      It is great that you realise that it is so important to go into the pain and keep releasing it out of your body.

      By doing so not only will your internal landscape evolve up and out of pain and fear, but absolutely your outer environmant will piece by piece transform as well.

      Rozanne’s story was such a powerful example of this transformation last week.

      What is important is that you keep out of the ‘story’ and ‘details’ in your logical mind as much as possible.

      The more we ‘replay’ the more we simply affirm and solidify the painful messages (defunct belief systems) in our subconscious (the cells throughout our entire body).

      Keep working NARP often – you still have a lot of pain to clear…and try to keep out of the logical – the ‘blender brain’ and go straight to embracing and releasing the emotional pain in the Healing Modules – then you will see powerful and fast changes within and without.

      Mel xo

      • rachelgideon@yahoo.com'
        rachel
        May 30, 2013

        Am really working hard to stay out of the Blender Brain Melanie..Thanks again!

  • teenataylor@live.com'
    Teena
    May 29, 2013

    The timing of this blog feels spot on for me too. Over the past few days I have been bordering on that ‘breakdown’ space and this morning, because I had the opportunity, after I dropped my daughter at school I came home, crawled back into bed, and sobbed for a long time. Although I was not entirely looking at my own inner wounds as the cause of all this pain (various ‘triggers’ in recent days), I had a definite awareness the pain was in ME, and not actually ’caused’ by others. This has been a gradual shift in my awareness – from seeing others as causing my pain to seeing they are only acting as ‘triggers’ for pain that is already in me – and this morning, I felt that I really accepted my pain, allowed it to be present, and did not beat myself up for it. After a lot of tears I slept for a little while, then I got up and went out, feeling not happy but considerably more ‘stable’ (even after receiving an e-mail that one of my uncles had just died!!). This evening I checked my e-mail to find this link to your blog, it is so exactly on topic for what I am experiencing right now (today!!) it feels like an affirmation of my experience and encouragement to take it even deeper, particularly in terms of viewing these ‘breakdowns’ as a positive thing. That is one piece of the puzzle I have not been able to clearly see before now, even if I ‘loved myself through it’, I never saw it as a positive. I always felt having such a powerful emotional response to certain events/triggerswas a huge negative. So thank you Mel!! The timing of this blog has helped shift my perspective in a way I was struggling to do on my own.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Teena,

      This is wonderful this article has taken you to a deeper level of personal awareness.

      With this deeper awareness you can now take your healing and growth journey to a higher level….knowing that you do have the power and inner connection avalaible to find and transform inner belief systems which have been causing your pain inside and attracted from the outside.

      Then you will evolve past the repeat pattern of being in survival into the flow and trajectory of becoming a conscious and purposeful creator of your life.

      Once you change these inner beliefs then look out! Your life will transform and take off in new ways that were not previously avaliable to you.

      Mel xo

  • amanda.onions@gmail.com'
    Amanda
    May 29, 2013

    Hi its been a great finding to know that I have to look in myself to heal this pain I cant keep blaming the ex narc for all the pain but realize he is a trigger this is up tp me now to free myself thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Amanda,

      how gorgeous that you now know the power is within YOU – and exists nowhere else!

      Mel xo

  • karenlynellewilliams@gmail.com'
    Karen w
    May 29, 2013

    Hi all, Well away from the narc now but not sure how to heal the person I am left with, the one that must have been there before I met him. Even though I do everything for myself and more often by myself, I still have a feeling inside of wanting to be dependent. Of course I know this is unrealistic and unhealthy, who cares for another human being, lives their life for them except a mum caring for her child. Still, I have to acknowledge the feeling..but where to go from here, how to build on ground zero?
    Interesting what you say about being authentic self Melanie, think I have been too fearful in the past but today I’ve decided I will try it..to actually be the real me..go at my own pace. Expect to make a lot of people unhappy. Will be a new experience but an adventure at the same time. Wish me luck and stay tuned!
    Helen, really feel for you, we have all been there. My advice..ignore all of them, no contact, cut off if you must. They don’t care anyway so you are wasting you energy. Don’t feel guilty, they had their chance, if you can cope alone so can they. Keep us posted, we are here for you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      It is SO normal and common for people who have been narc abused to be stuck in dependency beliefs that are limiting and painful.

      This was an enormous part of the journey for me – finding those limiting beliefs and releasing them – so that I could be a healthy Source to myself.

      That is truly the nutshell of this journey for all of us…

      Where you can go from here is t engage in a healing system that IS designed to heal your inner…that is NARP – hence why it is the Program that people have used so successfully to heal and recover.

      What you will find Karen is the more you work on your inner beliefs to heal them the easier and easier it will be to set yourself free and be authentic in life – and you will find that life will reflect back to you your authenticity and love for yourself…

      Mel xo

  • alexarosabala@yahoo.com'
    Alexandra
    May 29, 2013

    Melanie, very good article. You know i have been trying to visualize, use positive thinking and I honestly dont even have the energy for it! I understand noe that yes I need to feel the pain in order to go through it, be my own healer, however I feel like its too much, its so painful it just takes the energy out of me for the whole day! I know NARP is the best but need some time in order to buy it, totally dependant on my parents who dont believe in any of this things Im really honest I cant, but dont worry I know soon I will I just need a little piece of advice cause its really energy draining and I need to get up and do things I need to earn my own money and need to be able to do things for me and mu little daughter!!! I trully want to feel better, I am 100% concentraded on me, not blaming anyrhing to anybody, I know Im the one creating this circumstances I just want to get through them and start living my life!!! Maybe Im rushing things, or expenting this to go away fast, maybe! Thanks for everything and sorry for not participating more in the FB group I just feel I dont want to break the rules or anything with this! Again thank you! And the best for you, you are trully helping a lot of people!!! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Alexandra,

      Yes it is very hard to instil a new program into our subconscious mind, when it is still clogged up with the old painful programs…

      It takes enormous effort, and the old programs naturally set up a ‘fight’ rejecting the new ‘ideas’…

      This is the experience and tussel you are having by ‘trying to think positive’…

      This is why it is SOOOOO much more effective to reach in, embrace and have a tool to release the old junk – then there is the ROOM to make way for the new to be downloaded into the subconscious.

      Hence why QFH in NARP is so effective, because it is this process.

      I hope you can understand why what you have been trying to do is not the easy, direct way Alexandra, hence your frustration, exhaustion and extended recovery period…

      Mel xo

  • janeccr@gmail.com'
    Jane
    May 29, 2013

    Melanie, Sometimes I feel as if you telepathically know just what I need when I need it. The past few days have been dark for me. I feel as if I am going backwards in my recovery from my 25 year marriage to a Narc. Every aspect of my outer life is in chaos. Of course, I keep it to myself. Outwardly, I try to appear strong and capable. Inside I am a mess.
    I started writing after reading this blog. Just wrote and wrote and the end result is one word: Sabotage. I realized that way before my Narc relationship (which I have blamed as the reason for all my problems) and even as a little girl, I have sabotaged any good part of me that has ever been revealed. I have always felt talent-less. But through writing I have reminded myself of opportunities in life, since I was a child, which brought out my creativity, where I was recognized for talent, and then I quickly sabotaged it. My soon-to-be ex-husband is so talented. Anything he does he excels at easily. He always made a point of reminding me I had no hobbies, interests or talents and over the years made me feel smaller and smaller. It is 19 months since I found the courage to pack up with my daughter and leave our home, leave the NARC abuse. For a while I felt things were getting better. And now, this setback. Not sure if I am just sabotaging my progress, but the exercise of writing it down brought my attention to a pattern throughout my life that I never saw. How do I stop the pattern of sabotage? I have no idea. But awareness, I guess, is a step in the right direction. Thank you thank you thank you for your kind, gentle and wise words that never cease to lift me up and take away a little of that feeling of “smallness.” 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      This is wonderful that you went within and started finding out some answers about what your inner is REALLY creating as your life.

      Jane how you stop internal patterns is the same way we all stop internal patterns which are hurting us and sabotaging our life – and it is the ONLY way….

      We DO the work on ourself. We stop self-avoiding, looking outwards or hoping something in our outer world is going to ‘save us’ from ourselves.

      We firmly commit to going within, embracing, meeting ourself, spending time alone and committing to the inner work.

      Jane your most powerful way to achieve that is the NARP Program. It holds all the tools, instructions and information you need to start powerfully meeting, embracing and healing you.

      Jane my words can sometimes relieve your feelings of ‘smallness’…but your life is NOT meant to be quick fixes or temporary relief – you are supposed to be your own Source of expansion, wellbeing and BIGNESS in life….And it is only by meeting your inner and becoming your own healer that you ever can or will.

      Mel xo

      • janeccr@gmail.com'
        jane
        December 26, 2016

        Hi, Melanie,
        How do I remove my posts from your site? I just realized that if my e-mail address is Googled, my comments come up for all to see.
        Please advise.

        Thank you so much,
        Jane

  • ejh7454@clearwire.net'
    EJ
    May 30, 2013

    Thank you, Melanie, for another wonderful article. Everything you say is true about the results anyone can expect from doing the inner work. It happened to me and it happened very fast.

    Now that I am free of my worst issues and in a relationship with a wonderful and wonderfully normal man, I find that my inner work is continuing. My breakdowns are tiny and often disguised as ordinary worries and anxieties, but I now know that any sense of discomfort is an unhealed wound. Of course I’m human and can sometimes get lazy, but knowing that I have the tools to transform my life and continue to make it better is priceless. Thank you. I can never tell you enough how much you have done for me. Never doubt that you are saving lives daily!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi EJ,

      You are so welcome 🙂

      That is wonderful that you have used the formula of breakdown / breakthrough and claimed your True authentic power quickly….because that is – without exception – what does happen!

      How divine that regardless of getting wonderful results you are still dedicated to being conscious and evolving.

      This is so important because if we don’t keep growing and integrating – then we become de-evolution and we start to disintegrate…

      Gorgeous that you are still going within and GROWING! Wonderful stuff!

      I am so thrilled I ‘found’ the tools too EJ to transform, and feel so humbled that others like you now have this formula too!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    May 30, 2013

    Hello Mel. When I read your article tonight, I was amazed at the synchronicity of it. There was a programme on the radio this morning about the diffculties of bosses having to cope with Gen Y workers, then this afternoon, one of my young colleagues was expressing how hard it was to keep coming to work with our narcissistic boss. She is badly affected by him and is thinking of transferring. So, more and more, I think it is as you say and people are coming into new awareness of what works with themselves and are choosing to no longer live with who they are not, inside. My colleague is a beautiful young woman who is soft, loving, funny and she is a great teacher. I felt encouraged by her commitment to find something better for herself. For me, it is now nearly 7 weeks NC now and I was struck by something that you said in one of your blogs recently. It was that we create in our lives that which we are and who we are internally is what we attract in the outside world. I have known this to be true for many years, however, the truth of this has hit me with a deeper understanding since I separated from my ex-boyfriend. I have somehow made a much deeper commitment to myself, even though I was committed to myself and my growth before. The result is a deep and abiding peace within me that all I have to do is stay very close to myself every moment of every day and do not try to force anything to happen in the outside world. I am enough in myself. The truth for me now is that as I stay true to myself and honour my integrity and continue to heal, life will unfold in a wonderful way that is exactly right and all that is truly mine will come to me. I have been able to relax fully into this truth and miraculously, it has stopped the fear that if I don’t go out and take on the world, I will somehow miss out on something. Interesting thought! Since my world is created from within me, as I continue to live in integrity and continue to clean out all those old painful patterns, what is mine will come anyway, so there is no striving necessary. What a relief! I feel like a bit of a hermit. Last week I decided to stay very close to home because I was ill with a bug and so I stayed at home and did not really go out anywhere after work. Instead, I worked the QFH programme every night and day and also read a lot of your e-books over and over. In the last holidays, I bought two beautiful handpainted glass candle holders and I have enjoyed sitting at night with the light glowing through the glass. There are beautiful pictures painted on glass so it is quite magical, especially when the lights are turned off. I am glad that the sense of having to strive is gone. In my session with the kinesiologist last week, it came up that somehow I have some distress for feeling as if I am a failure in life because I have not been able to manifest a life partnership with a man that works. Understanding now about my connections with N men, it is understandable and this week the drops she gave me and my work on myself is on understanding where my deeper feelings originate and putting them in their place. I have a deep sadness within. As for my ex-boyfriend, I still have moments of wanting him (the fantasy) and hoping that it could be different and then the reality hits and I know that I would never want him in my life in the form in which he is. I get through these times with the QFH sessions and reality checks and self-nurture, then they pass. As each week goes by, he is fading more and more into just a memory.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Suzanne,

      How divine and gorgeous that you have been able to so quickly shift into the state of acceptance of being your own Source – effectively co-partnering with life supporting you – without NEEDING physical evidence.

      This is an incredible state of ‘getting your ego out of the way’…hence the deep, abiding peace.

      You are doing all the right things the QFH, and kinesiology is a wonderful addition – and what I so consistently see – is the people who work on their subconsicous mind and ‘inner’ ascend into powerful states of consciousness and authenic power.

      These states of connectedness to Universal Energy and Authentic Inner Being Power are not avaliable through ‘the mind’…

      Thank you for your fantastic post – and it is wonderful that this article will inspire you to go straight to any pain that does hit – so that you just keep shifting higher and higher in your vibration.

      You ARE ‘true freedom’ and ‘creation’.

      Mel xo

  • starstoute@gmail.com'
    Stacy-Ann
    May 30, 2013

    This article consoles me deeply. I have always believed in facing my pain. I have learnt that the sooner I sit with my pain and figure out what’s going on, the sooner it fades and heals. I have been accused of being too hard on myself when I explain to others where my responsibilities lie in situations. I really have no interest in blaming others and outsides sources because I have no control over them. What I can control is my response to the situation and it helps me to identify why I am responding in a particular way. Sadly, I find that I am the exception rather than the norm and so tend not to get support from those around me. It always seems that in the midst of my troubles I am more prepared to deal with them than those who should be helping me. Makes me feel quite lonely sometimes. This article lets me know that I am on the right track. I know that this way of dealing with my pain has helped me end my marriage to a narc in relative peace, with myself and the situation. I need more work with downloading new beliefs to complete the healing and I have been praying for an answer as to how to completely heal. Thank you for the validation and the further answers. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Stacy-Ann,

      That is great that you go within and take responsibility for your pain and that you understand how to embrace it…

      Now, you can create even more effectively. The fact that your feel ‘different’ and an ‘outsider’ is in itself a limiting belief…and one that can be powerfully shifted from lack and limitation to ‘People love, accept and warm to the authentic me. People reflect back to me lovingly their authentic self abundantly’.

      You HAVE the power to create this new belief as your life experience – but it means the old limiting beliefs have to be released first.

      If you are not as yet on NARP – that is your answer to create powerful new beleifs. That is what NARP does.

      If you are on NARP you can at any time email me for help with how to ascend beliefs – such as the example above – and how to use the goal-setting MP3 in NARP to achieve that result.

      Mel xo

  • snellnicola@aol.com'
    Nicola-Jane
    May 30, 2013

    Lovely post Mel. Much of it resonates with Freud’s ideas in Civilisation and Discontents. Very interesting.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Nicola-Jane,

      you are welcome. Wow that is really interesting. I know of very little Freud, not versed at all!

      Could you share the similarities…I am sure others as well as myself would be interested!

      Mel xo

  • melaniehegge@mac.com'
    Melanie Hegge
    May 30, 2013

    Thank you for the reminder not to run away from the pain and that there is so much joy and health on the other side.
    I keep running from my pain and the escalating breakdown is immediate. I spent a few days beating myself up for making a rash and poor decision in the midst of extreme emotions but am finding my balance again. I will keep reading and doing my work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Melanie,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      THat is wonderful that you are ready to turn, face, embrace and BE with your pain…this is where the TOTAL turning point in your life takes place.

      Mel xo

  • ln3942@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    May 30, 2013

    Thanks Mel, as always you deliver profound messages of healing and forgiveness in a wonderful way, truly compassionate and wise. I have found great help in your teachings, which is certainly true for me, as outside therapy is also not what I need, I know now that it is up to me to be educated enough (by people like you) to be able to heal myself. You are truly blessed with deep insight, empathy and great teaching skills. God bless you, thanks to you I am on the path of healing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      Thank you for your lovely post…

      Please understand this Lisa, no-one will actually educate you – and no one can ever educate you. They can only remind you what you already deeply know – which is all of your answers are within you – no-one else has them.

      And when you go within you and start partnering deeply with your Inner Being THAT is when you will get your education of Yourself, Life, Truth and every other topic in your inner and outer experiences.

      All of your salvation, learning, wisdom, evolution, growth and Truth is unlocked by going within.

      Mel xo

  • olgissima@yahoo.com'
    Olga
    May 30, 2013

    I love your posts, Melanie. Thank you for sharing them!

  • bakle627@roadrunner.com'
    Rhonda
    May 30, 2013

    I am having alittle bit of a breakdown right now. I have been doing so good and moving forward but he JUST won’t let me be happy. We built a business and it was our life almost 33 years–he got it in our divorce–4 weeks after the divorce was final he lined Dumpsters up in front of it and threw EVERYTHING in our business away…he offically does NOTHING now…of course everyone in town thinks he is carzy, but it just broke my heart… I know I will regroup and move on but always in the back of my mind I know he “lurks….”

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Rhonda,

      What is important here is to FIND the belief within you that is feeling the pain of holding him responsible for your life…

      You can stay in the old belief – which of course is really painful (hence why it feels like a breakdown) or you can go deeper, start working with your inner and transform YOURSELF to a different belief, feeling and vibration about ‘what is going on’…

      Staying stuck in the old belief system means you have to wait for the envirnoment to change in order for your emotions to feel better (which it can’t because it is responding to your inner belief)…

      OR you can inject another vibration into the energetic field of your environment in order to change ‘waht is happening’…

      This is the process of moving out of survival into crreation..

      This is the process that Rozanne deeply understood and dedicated herself to determinedly – hence why she changed what seemed as helpless and impossible to new experiences that matched her purposefully created vibration.

      I hope this hekps.

      Mel xo

    • raeannerose@gmail.com'
      Raeanne
      May 30, 2013

      Rhonda… I think he demonstrated who he is through his actions of tossing it all. He was focused on hurting you…again. He had no other weapons available to gig you. So he sacrificed the only thing in his power to harm you. And he was only thinking of himself by doing this. Let it go if you can. If you embrace his hate…then he has suceeded.

  • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
    Patti
    May 30, 2013

    I’m finally seeing results in my healing sessions! Yay! And it has only really come since I had a MAJOR breakdown this week where I thought the pain was going to eat me up. I immediately found the time to do Module 2 and allowed myself to feel and accept the pain.

    A key was that I LOVED myself through it, versus rejecting and shaming myself for reacting to the painful triggers that keep appearing (because my head knows what a jerk my N was and why the heck would I miss someone who clearly was not good for me) What a difference that new attitude has made.

    My favorite part of these healings is when I get to bless and hold my “little self” close and just love, comfort and affirm her. It is something I never had as a child…but now I can give these beautiful things to myself. And it feels great.

    This week’s article (and radio show) was very timely. Thank you, Melanie for directing me to these amazing presentations of TRUTH. I love truth! It truly is setting me free!! May God bless you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 30, 2013

      Hi Patti,

      fantastic that you have had this breakthrough…

      BRILLIANT! Yes you have the key – which is to LOVE ourselves in vulnerability and ‘defectiveness’…(because we all have it!)

      I nearly have tears of joy for you Patti imagining you FINALLY granting your little Inner Being the authentic love and support that she has ALWAYS needed…(probably for centuries)…

      I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it when people come home to loving, accepting and approving of themself unconditionally….

      THAT is true love, our Source Self and the gateway to Oneness.

      You are so welcome, and thank you for your glorious post which has expanded my heart with so much love.

      Mel xo

  • laface2010@yahoo.com'
    Luann
    May 30, 2013

    Hi Mel-
    I finally finished this post after reading it in three parts. Your posts come in late at night for me and if I’m up I just HAVE to read them. lol. The last two nights I read some and found my eyes burning too much to finish. 🙂

    Anyway,I feel that my last therapist…yes I broke up with her on Friday.:)came closest to “teaching me how to directly embrace myself and be my own healer.” More so than any other therapist I’ve ever seen. But I still found myself continually being in the story and when I spoke to her she respectfully agreed with me and what I told her I needed. I will definitely miss her.

    I remember reading a blog post having to do with “When everything falls apart” (not an N related blog) and a comment posted by one of the followers there, referred to thinking of the end of a relationship as a “Break up, Break down and a Break through” so it was cool to read that here. I liked the comment above that said “Break out.” I can definitely relate to that. I’m right in the midst of escaping the cage.

    As for being addicted, I remember I had withdrawal and I knew it was withdrawal because I would break out in intense sweats.

    Some would say it’s just hot flashes…after all I’m 47. But I knew and could tell the difference. So happy to be past that. That was a first.

    As for turning to self-medicating, I’ve been a binge drinker and hit the beer hard when things were over. But I also had that problem pre-N. So I think it took this experience to realize that it’s a habit that “ain’t working” to say the least and I’m tired of numbing. (not the direct reason for numbing during my QFH sessions though, btw.)

    I’ve been feeling (just the last couple days) a bit more organized in my mind. I can do things and not feel so scattered. And it’s been quite a relief. However, the ruminating isn’t gone and I find myself getting rapped up in it at times about my dad.

    The other thing I do is fantasize about the N coming to me to apologize and I say things to him that I would never have said. Nothing mean, just setting boundaries, which includes walking away after the conversation takes place, INSTEAD OF going with him and accepting him back into my life again. I do this at night when I can’t sleep and it helps me sleep. It’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but there it is. I would appreciate any thoughts on this if you have any.

    I’m feeling like the audio to listen to for that is the one about ‘stop holding the N accountable.” This would help with that + some issues I have with my sister I think.

    It can be pretty overwhelming when all this intertwines. It’s cool to jump, right? Even if I haven’t made it once through all of them in order?

    Thanks Mel. Great post as always.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Luann,

      Yes I like that too Break Up, Break Down, Break Out!

      I truly do beleive that our greatest growth does come from this incredible metamorphsis…

      This is the key for you Luann – become conscious of the ruminating and the illusions – and rather than continuing to romance these thoughts which you know aren’t healthy for you and are keeping you stuck – take them to healing Modules and go into the pain of them to shift them…then the obsession ‘circle’ will be broken and they will stop happening…

      You can use NARP for your father as well…or anyone in fact that you need to resolve painful thoughts and feelings(belief systems) with…

      The ‘thing’ you are doing in order to sleep is feeding your peptide addiction – this is why you can sleep – but that is continuing to ‘hold on’ to your past and abuse…it is the addiction…

      To let that go (evolve past it) would be to NOT do it – let the pain come up underneath that anmd heal it in a session….If you don’t you are only keeping the past abuse in your now whilst trying to ‘bargain’ with it…

      I hope this helps, and please ask any more questions here if you need to.

      Mel xo

  • DrummerBoyFL@aol.com'
    Jeff
    May 30, 2013

    Thanks for sharing Melanie! I’m not going to type out a lengthy story for you here, which will just have me rehashing things I’ve been talking about for too long now. I would share the details with you over a beer or coffee/tea, but after reading a few of your blogs here, post mini-breakdown, I’m feeling much better and I believe I’ve shaken the illusion once more and understand things on a much deeper level. Much love and respect from me to you! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Jeff,

      you are so welcome.

      I am so glad you are embodying the deeper understanding to heal 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    May 30, 2013

    Hi dear Mel,
    Interesting article and I totally agree that it can take a breakdown for us to be able to move forward. I feel since leaving my last relationship, I have had more than a few breakdowns, some worse than others, but nothing like the one I had the day I left him.
    Breakdowns are gifts as you have explained so well, and I am learning to embrace each one when it presents itself. It is not easy, but I know this is what needs to be done, to be able to move past the pain and trauma.

    I have been working with NARP and making good progress, even though I still trip over and fall on my face now and then. Something else comes up for me to heal, mainly fear, which triggers anxiety and all the physical problems that accompany it. Now I find what the trigger may be and clear them as soon as it lingers on the surface. Doing this creates a calmness inside.

    The mainstream way of dealing with anxiety and fear is to ‘put it aside’ only for it to come back up when a similar event occurs and triggers the anxiety and fear all over again, sometimes on a larger scale. I remember you saying that ‘if we don’t find the triggers and find what is causing our pain and fear, it will only get bigger each time the trigger presents itself.
    That is so true.

    It does get easier, each breakdown is a gift, each gift when used wisely is the key to the other side. Every time we dig and heal just one more part, the less we will feel fear and the less anxiety we will feel. Fear gets bigger if ‘put aside’ as does anxiety and the cycle continues.

    After NARP (each night I do at least one shift) I feel only calmness and peace. The outside world can throw whatever it wants at me, and I know that it can’t hurt me any longer and if I allow myself to be hurt by it, then I need to do more work. By healing and by being authentic with self strengthens us from the inside out, so that when we are faced with a problem, we still feel safe.

    Constantly I am tested by life and others around me, as we all are, but I now have the understanding that ‘nothing can ever change on the outside, without first doing the work on the inside.

    Much love Mel and everyone. It does get easier. xxoo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Jac,

      thank you for your post, and everything you are saying is true…

      In relation to our life – truly there is ‘no outside'(as you so understand!) and this is an incredible revelation once we fully embody that truth…

      The brilliant thing about purposefully creating our vibration is we can understand emotional triggers from within and without (old wounds surfacing) can be acted on in order to evolve.

      We also have the ability to ‘goal-set’ and examine the deep parts of us which are blocking any aspect of our life that we would love to expand into..

      Once we remove those blocks (DNA inner programs) then it is easy to be an expansive being rather than fearful and contracted.

      It is a total game changer to our life – from ‘Life is a struggle, hard and painful’ to ‘Life as a conscious co-reator is joyful, rewarding and easy.’

      Life is NOT meant to hurt when we finally love ourselves enough to become authentically empowered.

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    May 30, 2013

    Just to elaborate on a small situation that I used my ‘authentic self’ on was my new neighbour came over and introduced herself. She brought over some ‘apple crumble’ to say hi and welcome to the neighbourhood. I let her in and then she changed, went into a rather horrible bitch session regarding all the other neighbours, the area, etc and the intensity of her complaining, at first, was making me feel uncomfortable. She kept going and for the first time I said…”I am sorry to hear about the issues with the neighbours, that you have had, but I am not interested in talking about them or their problems, as they are nothing to do with me. I appreciate you telling me and warning me of pending problems, but I prefer to stay out of other peoples business”. So I broke through the fear of speaking up to someone I had just met, in fear of upsetting her and her not liking me and decided to be authentic by being honest and straight up. It felt great! and I was not nasty or forceful, just authentic and calm. She talked over me during me saying that, but I know I did the right thing by ‘me’ by not letting her upset me. She was completely out of line and I was not going to let her distroy my peace of mind.

    If I had of reacted in a negative way and let her talk at me, allowing her to upset me, then right now, I would be suffering horrible anxiety and focusing on her visit mulling it over in my head, fearing all the things she told me were true, bad things would happen etc but instead decided to listen to my gut and speak from within.

    I even felt sorry for her without taking ‘her stuff’ on board as my problem.

    It was liberating! So a big breakthrough! A long way from where I once was with myself.

    Much love everyone. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Absolutely brilliant Jac,

      that is a perfect example of being emotionally authentic!!

      YAY!

      Mel xo

      • jacsplat@msn.com'
        Jac
        May 31, 2013

        Absolutely true Mel! 😀 Emotional authenticity is the key to allowing ourselves to be locked into a vicious web, where the person or thing that is causing us unrest, is left where it should be left and that is out of my space! Amazing how this lady was so horrible and even swore many times, during the one way conversation and I just won’t tolerate that sort of behaviour in ‘my home’ or anywhere. I felt uncomfortable, so my instincts were telling me to ‘say something’ and it doesn’t matter if she approves of me or not. Once upon a time I would have allowed her to really upset me and in the process I would have become a lost soul once again at the hands of someone who’s problems are way to big.

        I have had a moment or two of going back to what happened, but mostly I am just getting on with life and doing the inner work so eventually I will not even think about it.

        Big kiss X

        • jacsplat@msn.com'
          Jac
          May 31, 2013

          *the key to NOT being locked into emotional authenticity. Not to be locked in!! 😀 lol

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    May 30, 2013

    *instead of ‘pending problems’ I meant to say ‘possible’ problems.

  • rita.schollen@telenet.be'
    rita schollen
    May 30, 2013

    Hello Melanie,
    again a great article,
    I said it before, i am 67, a whole live of nothing but narc abuse, even during pregnancy it was present, i am on the wright track thanks to you. indeed, outside therapy does not work enough, Psychotherapists do not seem to understand or do not help….
    I feel great most off the time after doing the hard work, many times, but i am still fragile when i go in the outside and i don’t trust myself not enough,I am alone, have no one to go to, but you, i have lost all my “friends” who were not so many anyway,i still have the feeling “needing” communication, a relationship….
    is that okay
    me also i would communicate abput this on facebook, can i join the groûp ?
    thanks a Thousand tmes
    rita

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Rita,

      Ok so what is good is you realise what ‘still hurts’…which means you can address EXACTLY those painful beleifs in your healing sessions.

      You can use Module 1 of NARP to go directly to those ‘what hurt’ examples….or you can use the Goal Setting MP3 to create the ‘opposite’ of the painful beleif and then clear all resistance to it so that you become an energetic match for what you wish to create.

      I would first of all clear the pain of loneliness with Module 1 – and bring in the Source energy of connection to ‘all that is’ and being ‘whole’…

      That is the first step in healing ‘the loneliness’…

      Then use the goal setting MP3 to set up: ‘I am connected with like-minded, healthy people who add wonder and joy to my life”, and then clear all resistance to that goal until you energetically become a 10/10 with it.

      Then watch these people manifest – literally!

      I will get admin to contact you re the Facebook Group Rita, and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • indurekhadidi@yahoo.com'
    Indurekha
    May 30, 2013

    Hello Melanie,

    what a beautiful synchronicity this blog is! I totally recognise it, but it is something to be experienced, otherwise I would not have understood!
    I had a final mediation meeting with my ex husband about the children. And during the day I had become aware of my fear of him, especially his way of manipulating and getting what he wants relentlessly. I just sat down (advice of a friend-therapist) and felt it and it didn’t feel comfortable at all…But I could deal with it. It had to do with not setting my boundaries, old fear and pain from my childhood. And it slowly started to shift.
    In the evening I felt vibrant, joyous, alive, and I went to the mediation meeting with a playful feeling. I suddenly realised that I did not need to fight anymore against his lies and narcissistic behaviour. And that I did not need to try to have an honest conversation with him anymore, it was a waste of energy!
    I imagined a glass wall between us and just watched, observed, and what I saw amazed me…He was trying to put up a show in front of the mediator! So everything he said was meant to impress her…
    And so everything he said was not true..of course not!
    He does not want responsibility for the children, he does not want to see them as much as possible. No, he is very busy trying to be very important in other areas. But he has to say it in order to impress…
    And I suddenly realised that I don’t need to be afraid of him anymore. He will try to put up the show for a while, but then will get caught up in his own projects again.
    Because children is about responsibility, and I take that responsibility already, with my partner. So he cannot manipulate me with that. Not wanting to be responsible is HIS weak spot, not mine! That was such a surprise, to see what he was really afraid of.
    That’s what had to shift, I think. I wanted someone to be responsible, for me (my inner child). That was my pain.
    And I discovered yesterday that I already do it, together with my partner!
    I feel very strong now.

    Indurekha

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Indurekha,

      What a wonderful shift and lovely how you brought the power and awareness home to yourself…

      Fantastic, and thank you for your share…I am sure it can help many people in this community!

      Mel xo

  • janetereseandrews@bigpond.com'
    Jane
    May 30, 2013

    Hi Mel, thank you for this great article. I feel that the breakdowns I experienced with my ex narc were so horrific and can certainly agree that they got worse and more terrifying as time went on. Trauma bonding is so scary as we are attached to what is destroying us. It was all an illusion and I think of it now like a scary movie. It was sad that I never got the lesson before my ex narc left me, so I was forced to learn quickly. I started NARP last October. I have done well in keeping no contact. These days my breakdowns occur around new relationships and finances, but I am learning to honour myself and insist on maintaining my boundaries. I am in a new relationship where there are many things that are worrying for me but not on the level of being Narc abused. I wonder if I have teamed up with a man who is quite dependent because I am afraid of being controlled. Well plenty of breakdowns are occurring but I seem to be able to talk about them with him and really speak my truth. This is something I have never been able to do. I realise all the issues are my issues and he is just reflecting these things for me to heal. So it is all learning and healing. As you stated, these events are not cataclysmic anymore and seem to be dealt with quickly. It has been so good to read the comments from everyone so thank you. XXJane

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      it is wonderful that you have moved through your brekdowns and continue to face and work with emotional pain and belief systems…

      Realtionship is always the greatest forum to discover and heal aspects of ourself and it is wonderful that you are dedicated to that journey.

      As you heal you, you will see if this new partner can also grow or not…because as long as relationships grow together they can certainly stay together.

      Mel xo

  • laura@merlco.biz'
    Laura
    May 31, 2013

    How timely this article is for me!! You have helped me to shift my mindset from despair to an opportunity to heal!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! God Bless you and your work Melanie – you are helping me heal from the traumas of my childhood and beyond!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Laura,

      I am so glad the timing for you granted you the encouragement and faith you needed.

      Keep going – and PLEASE know Laura there is a gorgeous freedom and liberation on the other side. It is SO worth going into the pain…

      The Real You awaits with open loving arms!

      Mel xo

  • snayar77@gmail.com'
    Sharmila
    May 31, 2013

    Hi, Melanie

    Thank you for creating the NARP programme. It is giving me enormous relief.
    Love all the blog articles you have written. This one in particular stuck a chord with me as I have been struggling lately, with loads of painful emotions flooding in so intense and sudden.I now know that the soonest I get to them the better.

    I am still however, struggling with crippling agoraphobia and I’m unsure how to heal this aspect of my life. Should be doing a particular Quanta Freedom Healing module for this?

    I have also tried to get accepted into the NARC facebook group but was not successful. I’m hoping you could help me with this.

    Big Thank You and Hugs,

    Sharmila

    I have been doing the healing modules on NARP program and

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Sharmila,

      you are so welcome, and I am very pleased that NARP is helping you so much.

      Please know this time (last few weeks) has hit a lot of people very hard – there have been very powerful energetic shifts happening ‘in the air’…

      So yes, very, very true when these waves of energy come it is importnat to be up to speed, it certainly helps matters, and means we can break more and more free each time we go into ‘the fire’ and shift out to the other side.

      Ok you can target agoraphobia directly – TOTALLY. Use the goal-setting Module and set up the goal “I am free, confident, healthy and empowered in life”…and then clear all resistance until you are a 10/10 on this goal….You may need to do quite a few sessions, yet truly when you clear all resistance you will NOT have agoraphobia any more…

      This is exactly how I (and many others) have cleared agoraphobia instantly.

      I will get admin to contact you re Facebook Group – and I hope my answer helps! Let us know how that shift goes!

      Mel xo

      • snayar77@gmail.com'
        Sharmila
        June 1, 2013

        Hi again, Melanie

        With dealing with agoraphobia, i am alittle confused on the module you are referring to. I’m still quite new to this.
        The goal for healing module #9 seem closest to feeling happy and safe again. Should i do that?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 1, 2013

          Hi Sharmila,

          Module 11, Creating Your New Life is the goal setting Module.

          If for any reason you cant find it or dont have it – please let me know and I will email link.

          Mel xo

          • snayar77@gmail.com'
            Sharmila
            June 2, 2013

            Hi Melanie,

            Yes, I do have Module 11. I will get down to working with it.Thank you so much for your timely help. I am so very grateful.
            To date, I have completed the first 5 modules so far. Hope it is alright if I go in to Module11then go back to the earlier modules.

            Much love..

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            June 3, 2013

            Hi Sharmila,

            Yes it is fine to do goal setting before doing the other Modules – absolutely.

            Mel xo

  • lelainedohn@yahoo.com'
    Suzie
    May 31, 2013

    Sometimes I just get so confused….and the breakdown feels so overwhelming…I don’t know if I will survive it another day. I’ve had a number of people tell me my ex husband is a narcissist…and I’ve started reading all of Melanie’s stuff for the last couple of months. I went through blaming him for everything because of his alcoholism for the first 30 years of our marriage…and the infidelities I suspected but couldn’t prove…then he was sober the last 5 years but cheated on me with all the AA and Alanon women….threatened divorce all the time because I was the evil nagging wife….divorced me 9 months ago…and am devastated…he’s already moved in with a woman he found in Alanon….but when I read this article and look at my inner pain….I see me blaming him for being a narcissist…irreponsible…uncaring..VERY CHARMING and manipulative….but if I also had all these terrible traits before I met him….didn’t I create alot of the problems in this relationship because i wasn’t a whole person… I was really was triggered him to behave badly because I was so needy as a low self esteem..wounded inner child…although he was the guy that came from the cheating mom and dad…mom even married 15 times!!!…12 by the time he was 17!! Why couldn’t I fix it….he’s with a woman he says that treats him special…Was I just too broken and that’s why he abandoned me.. I was that wife that worked and earned a living for our family…even though he was a professional…his money was for what he wanted to do…. Everyone of my friends thinks I’m nuts ever having stayed with him let along wanting him back!!! But it’s the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome…that loving caring charismatic charming attentive man……….then the selfish, uncaring, irresponsible, self centered lying cheater!! It’s definitely crazy making…I’m in so much pain sometimes I can’t stand it….and he’s living his life as if I never existed….He broke off all contact with me the day he moved out?? sometimes I think I’m the narcissist….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Suzie,

      without dissecting the details of your post – I want to say to you – lovingly of course – this is exactly the effects of ‘blender brain’…

      You are trying to work out painful emotional programs through your mind, which is already twisted and turned with narcissistic abuse, and focusing on him – and then not knowing whether or not it ‘is you’…

      This is exactly what happens when we try to ‘sort out’ emotional trauma logically…It becomes a horrible, confused mess…

      Suzie, please consider stopping doing this, and to simplify – you have unhealed parts requiring your attention.

      You need to go to them with a process that cuts your head off and puts it under your arm….Your ‘mind’ needs to stay out of this…

      NARP is the best path I know of – and if not PLEASE get yourself to a kinesiologist where you can lie on a table and someone can start clearing trauma out of the cells of your body…and maybe keep working on you consistently to get to the deeper layers of painful belief systems to help you release them…

      This is the ONLY sense I can grant you that could help you.

      Mel xo

  • pinkslippers1959@yahoo.com'
    Wendy Shell
    May 31, 2013

    Dear Melanie, thank you so much for this article. I had a triggering experience this past weekend with my father and after reading your article, I sat down with my pain and dove in to what felt like a quagmire of past fears and disappointment. My inner child was feeling very scared and hurt, but no more. I’ve only discovered another area where I have more growth to incur, another trigger that let me know I need to learn to love myself even more and that there is more work to do. I don’t fear the pain like I used to, in fact spending time in that place brings much faster healing and understanding. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with all of us out here!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 31, 2013

      Hi Wendy,

      Brilliant! I love ‘turning inward to the inside’ and ‘diving in’ is even more truly wonderful 🙂

      How perfect that you discovered what we always do, when we go inside, that we have the ability to heal and love ourselves even more….and that ‘the thing’ on the outside that was ‘not loving’ us was ALWAYS about the quality of our love to ourself!

      You are SO right – ‘diving in’ brings incredibly profound healing and understanding.

      That is what EVOLUTION is all about – ‘know thyself’…

      That is so beautiful for you and your inner child that you had that divine experience. Gorgeous 🙂

      Mel xo

  • kltobin@hotmail.com.au'
    kate
    May 31, 2013

    Very pertinent blog for me at the moment, painful emotions have manifested because of work altering its commitment to me, yes as soon as this feeling of rejection is triggered, I’m in such sorrow, wishing for the Narc to give me support and reassurance, then remembering that it never really existed, just wishing it did.
    My recent breakdown, was as you say a shift, this workplace is unhealthy, lacks integrity, honesty and accountability, and I’ve always known it didn’t feel right for me.
    Though this shift I have altered my habit of blaming and shaming myself, this is a favour, a catalyst to make my motivation to move to where I feel at ease and not tainted by deception. Which is a real and very potent trigger for me to feel ill at ease.
    I must listen to my energetic frequency, this match was just a process for me to cope better with this trigger.
    Thanks Mel

  • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
    Patti
    June 1, 2013

    Any advice ono how to deal with the intense sexual connection and subsequent jealousy of knowing my ex Narc is with another woman? What Module deals with that soul-tie aspect of the relationship?

    • jacsplat@msn.com'
      Jac
      June 1, 2013

      Hi Patti, I am just saying hi and Mel I am sure will answer your question.

      For the immediate clearing of pain, feeling the connection (in all forms) and the jealousy etc. Module 1 is the best as it is an overall session to get to the ‘now’ pain. I then would go with the ‘Goal’ module (not sure which one this is) to shift any resistance. For me, I am doing the NARP programme from 1-10 in order and I find doing one or two shifts better (for me) as it was easier to clear stuff rather than doing the entire module at one time. Found this too tiring and I would often loose my ability to shift anything.

      It does get easier and focus on the first module to release the immediate pain, trauma and connection you still feel. It worked for me as I too had a strong connection to the physical aspect of my relationship and was pining for him early on, not long after I left him. It passed very quickly once I did a couple of shifts.

      Find that connection with yourself as that is real, where the connection with ‘him’ is not.
      Him being with ‘other woman’ is not important and the more you focus on what they are doing, the more of yourself you are giving to him. It keeps you hooked.

      When the shift from that ‘connection’ happens, you will not even care who he is with or what he is doing. It is a huge relief when that happens.

      (((hug))) Jac

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 3, 2013

      Hi Patti,

      you can use Module 1 to release that pain, and deeply go into it to shift it.

      Or set up the goal-setting Module – Module 11 to create the ‘goal’ of the opposite energy and clear all the resistance. Once you shift your internal beleifs that pain, resentment / jealousy will clear.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      mel xo

  • hannad83@live.co.uk'
    Hannah
    June 2, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    Thanks you for another very powerful article. I ended my relationship with a narcissist and had no contact for a month now. I must say I found it quite easy since I realised what I was going through for the last 2 years was the repeat of my childhood. I moved to another country when I was 20 as I had enough of what was going on at home and had no contact which was very hard for me. Only to end up in the same situation again! But now I know what the disease is called and I have lots of hope. I still have lots of unanswered questions as you can imagine it goes to a very deep level.
    My real “breakthrough” was finding your old blog from last year about trauma bonding through the link in this article as it describes everything I was going through as a child. I am planning to start doing NARP and find a kinesiologist asap. I was wondering if you have any resources for adults who were narcissistically abused as children as I feel that the extend of the trauma is far more serious? Also, do you do one-to-one sessions (feel free to contact me by email if it’s more convenient)? I am very determined to get through it and start living a normal life which is what I have been waiting for the last 25 years…

    Thank you in advance,
    Hannah

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 3, 2013

      Hi Hannah,

      that is wonderful that you wish to commit powerfully to healing from within.

      NARP has been used very successfully for family of origin wounds as well as initmate partner…so please know that will grant you shifts in regard to your childhood as well.

      Also very shortly I am releasing a supplement healing program to support Family of origin wounds even more specifically.

      I wouls start NARP and then see how you feel in regard to whether or not you need an appointment with me.

      Mel xo

  • hannad83@live.co.uk'
    Hannah
    June 2, 2013

    I also wanted to say a big thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. They helped me understand so much and I can relate to so many of them on behalf of my mum who was with an olympic-caliber narcissist for 20 years in all senses of this word. The more power and success they get, the more it feeds the monster. Nothing stops them and you can only imagine how cruel they can be to their own children. God give us all strength to get through it. I know that we all will one day…

    Hannah

  • joyceytait@hotmail.com'
    Jo
    June 4, 2013

    Hi it’s me again! Just another awful weekend! Got voicemail at 5.45am Saturday morning asking me if he could borrow half the garage as off this week and hope you doing well!! I never replied! I then had two grandchildren overnight Saturday night, one I 5 and baby 10 weeks, the first time having both off them overnight! Got them to bed then me to bed and at 2.00am the knock on the door, ignored, this went on for 50 mins and the kicking started! I was actually terrified! I think as had kids in the house! I phoned the police and had to let them in! Upshot of it all is police dropped him home at his flat! Fortunately the kids never woke up but he spoilt my time on the Sunday as I was all set back again and now worrying as I called police! I heard no more and wondering when he appearing to borrow half the garage for whatever!! The police have phoned me back for a follow up call and were able to say that he had said he is getting a classic car shipped from Italy!! So he has gained their admiration on the journey home and I now know what the half off garage for!! What next! This is his house, not mine and I just don’t know what to do next??? Went docs today and got high blood pressure and actually felt so content last week and had being looking forward to kids coming!! Not a good time again at moment! Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 4, 2013

      Hi Jo,

      the reality is that if we are trying to deal with trauma, peptide addiction, powerlessness and the activation of our survival programs (inner pain) with the use of obsession and analysis it only makes it worse.

      Jo, when you start working on the inner you – and heal and empower yourself you will change. When you change, your reality changes and your world changes – including what is happening with him.

      Please see Rozanne’s story and read it as well as the comments of that artcile and what other people wrote and asked and Rozanne’s replies. That is the only advice I can give you – that will ACTUALLY help you.

      Everything else is simply going around the same powerless circles.

      Mel xo

  • juanita.desenna73@gmail.com'
    Juanita
    June 4, 2013

    I’ve been an avid follower of these weekly e-newsletters, blogs and audio radio show articles which have helped me immensely. Fortunately I am also seeing a psychotherapist weekly which is also helping me to work through historical unhealed parts of myself from my childhood that hugely contributed to me being a co-dependent and ripe for a relationship with a narcissist. I was in a brief relationship with my ex-narcissist partner for a year, when our baby was 6 weeks old, the toll of the relationship brought things to a head with me asking “what the hell is going on in this relationship” – naturally I was discarded and then devastated. The past 6 months has been really hard, marred by disbelief, with the highs and lows of recognition and healing. Come a long way, still have a long way to go.

    Having a baby so young and a parenting order that permits him access twice a week, half day on a week day and a full day on the weekend has been challenging. I specified in my parenting order for no contact – ironically enough my instincts guided me in that decision, a few months later I came across that recommendation on your website. My reasons were more personal though, I just didn’t think I could trust myself not to keep loving him and wanted to spare myself the heartache of deluding myself everytime I saw him that we could get back together, especially after being discarded, so there was a bit of pride and egoism in not wanting him to ever see or know that I still cared and wanted to be with him despite the abuse, and the pain of the break up.

    I had him evicted from my apartment, got a trespass order, filed a parenting order, applied for child support, returned back to work, took out a personal loan – cleared all the debt, started counselling with a counsellor, then a psychologist and was referred to a psychotherapist whom I have been working with for 4 months. None of these tasks was easy and was fraught with gas lighting drama from my ex via lawyers, mutual acquaintances, family fall outs, my home being trashed, ripped off etc…

    I have been able to avoid having any contact for the most part, with his family members facilitating handover at my residence in my apartment building foyer. However with childhood illnesses, chickenpox, whooping cough, foot and mouth disease – access has had to been postponed but I get follow up contact, e.g. how is baby doing, could we visit baby for an hour etc…. I think I’ve been managing this okay but find the yo-yoing of contact and no contact confusing as it stirs up soo many emotions, nostalgia, grief, revisiting anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, fear, hatred etc…. Even his family facilitating regular access handover sometimes brings stuff up for me, the friendliness ires me at times – when I see them I just see them as a bunch of enablers. My ex being nice/cordial to me is even worse – it just makes me feel what I went through was a ‘nothing’.

    Anyway I find the rollercoaster of emotions really taxing right now and despite my efforts with the forum techniques and my weekly psychotherapy sessions, I feel like this is “The Neverending Story”. I listened to the “Breakdown to Breakthrough” and found it really insightful, as I’ve always shut down, been numb and did whatever I needed to do to cope in my life from my childhood right through to adulthood. In my sessions we are dealing with feeling my feelings which has been very difficult, some days I just feel like they are going to swallow me up, other days I ask myself how angry can a person possibly get – surely all these bloggers who say how wonderful their lives post Narcissistic ex is – are lying or in denial……

    I have been batlling with nostalgia vs reality, e.g. when I think about my past relationship I think hell no to doing that again. But when we have to communicate about our baby, I get nostalgic, for what I’m not sure……the relationship was hell. Just really frustrating when your head is like NO WAY and your heart still entertains other ideas. Obviously there are times when I need his help with the baby, I have no family support – my father is a alcoholic and drug addict, my mother is bi-polar manic depressive – I have lived independently of them since I was 14, I am now 40. I really hate having to rely on my ex for any support with the baby and feel paranoid about what gas lighting technique he might do with it next i.e. use it to gain more access, shared custody, which is what he desires. I can live with access but a HELL NO to shared custody or more access.

    I’d really appreciate some feedback from you or forum members. In the interim I’m going to try the processes covered in the Breakdown/Breakthrough to work on my fears, paranoia and nostalgia.

    Juanita

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