Life can definitely feel hard. When connected to narcissistic abuse it feels agonising, victimised and anguished.
It is like all of our worst nightmares have come to bear.
The truth is all of this feels terrible. It feels terrible because it is not the truth of who we are…
Who we really are is: Love, Truth, Sincerity, Support, Gentleness and Happiness, and because what is going on in our life feels so far away from that, when narcissistically abused, we feel like we are in total torment.
Whenever we have been abused, set upon and been the brunt of someone else’s destructive action, we take on all of the pain of the things that we really aren’t. We feel it, absorb it and start vibrating at the level of everything that is not us…
How to Align with Your Reality
How we feel in life is all about our vibration. This may seem really glib, or not acknowledge what is going on outside of us, but I promise you it is true.
One of the best ways you can break free from the torment and the abuse that is going on in your life is to realise that pain, destruction, torment, lies, and abuse is not your reality.
Please, do this exercise below because it will really help you. Write out a list of the most painful things that you are experiencing (or did experience and are still deeply feeling) at the hands of the narcissist.
You list may look like this:
- Betrayal
- Deceit
- Maliciousness
- Attacks
Now when you look at these ‘values’ you know they are not the reality that you wish to live, in fact they are the exact opposite. If your focus stays in these ill-values then you will be vibrating at a level that is not true to you, and you will only experience (manifest) more of them into your life.
You see, when you are pulled onto the narcissist’s playing field, and start vibrating down at his or her level, then you are a direct match for the narcissist to tear you to shreds. The reason is because your vibration is a match for the assaults that the narcissist is dishing out.
So how about we get your vibration lined up with the truth of the life that you wish to live?
Now with your list, write the correct vale that is your Truth to replace the ill-value.
You list may now look something like this:
- Betrayal / Loyalty
- Deceit / Integrity
- Maliciousness / Gentleness
- Attacks / Support
Now it’s time to construct an affirmation which is going to move your vibration out of the ill-values toward the correct values. It can go something like this.
“I am in the process of fully becoming the truth of my life which is Loyalty, Integrity, Gentleness and Support.” Or your affirmation may simply be: “My truth is a life of Loyalty, Integrity, Gentleness and Support”.
Every time you feel like you are being pulled into the narcissistic muck remember what the truth of your life is, and repeat your affirmation to yourself.
Your subconscious is a powerful tool, an incredibly powerful tool, and literally what you feed it and deeply begin to ‘feel’ as your truth, is exactly what your life will start producing. The huge benefit of this, when dealing with narcissistic abuse, is you will begin to vibrate at a level where the narcissist can’t touch you – a level above the atrocities.
You literally step into a different reality that is impervious to narcissistic abuse, because it is no longer a match.
Truly you will be amazed at what starts happening when you raise your vibration out of and above the narcissist’s. You will see the narcissist start to slip, lose power, and trip him or herself up. You will start to gain and pull in life-force and you will move out of the funnel where the narcissist has been able to keep extracting narcissistic supply from you.
I do know that it can be really tough to do this. It takes practice, your affirmation to turn your vibration around needs to be a constant minute-to-minute application if necessary.
Truly if you feel that the levels of betrayal, deceit, maliciousness and attacks have been so extreme that you simply can’t work yourself into a vibration that you deserve, I can help you release your agonising emotions, and guide you to your true vibration in a very short time. This can be accomplished in my one-on-one healing sessions called Quanta Freedom Healing, I will tell you it is a paid resource, however over the past few years I have had countless individuals receive miraculous life changing results, as well as producing astounding fast-track results in my own life. If you think this is something you might be interested in take a look at the information and testimonials I have on this page.
I hope this article has helped you, and please remember:
Your vibration is your best defence because truly it is the creator of your life.
This is so very True Mel. I truely am so thankful to Quanta Freedom Healings. I couldn’t do it myself as I was totally depleted of everything. Mel You are a Life N Soul n Heart Saver. So very grateful xx
It’s ben a nightmare for me I have a 4 old son with a narccasist. We are in court several times for 4 years all he dose is lie and attack my character left right @ manipulates the court after him not even exversiseing visitation for 1 year 2 months & lies to court saying I cancelled all his visits .. He just flat our lies ! Iam sick to my stomache with him. Now thT the court makes him getour son he won’t let me talk to him on his weekends !
I left last Aug because I was afraid I was lossing my mind and the looks he gave me made me afraid of him. I feel like I am being railroaded one minute and that it is all my fault and that I caused the seperation/situation. I feel perinoid (spelling) like everyone thinks I am crazy, out of control and throwing away a twenty year marriage as a result. Circumstances just keep coming up where I feel people think I am nuts. I don’t know if I am or I am just perinoid. I feel like no one will listen or hear the real truth or issues. I feel like I am being treated like a little old lady who has lost her mind. Things I know to be true, I question because of the feed back I am getting. I am 66 and was a fully functional person prior to marrying my husband 18 years ago. Within 2 years I became disabled with physical and nuerological problems. I am torn between thinking he has had a great deal to do with this AND he was an inocent by stander. In my heart of hearts I would love to go back and have a loving awesome relationship to death do we part but there is this nagging fear that indeed he is disstructive to me. Thank you for allowing me to verbalize this.
Jan
Hi Jan,
I have experienced something like this in my own life. It was very painful. Narcissists have a way of making us crazy. Causing self doubt is one of their many tactics. When my narsicist had driven me to the point that I questioned my own sanity, he suggested couples therapy. I never went, as this was about the time I became aware of what Narcism is. Through research I learned that my situation was quite common amongst people involved in emotionally abusive relationships. Unless the therapist has a keen enough sense to identify the narcissist for what he or she is, therapy can can cause us to doubt ourselves even more. Unfortunately, this is exactly what the narcissist wants. It is important to remember that another persons actions have caused you to feel the way that you do. Your sanity can be restored, but you must first take control and stop allowing him to hurt you. I know this is hard ,but you are in the right place to find help.
Good luck, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Roaslie
I am doing healing work and in the last few months it has really borne fruit. (For instance, I had a breakthrough that opened my mind enough to do *real* research on narcissism, find this site–yay Melanie!–as well as another very useful one, and find the answers to every single question I ever had about my ex.)
Accordingly I decreased our contact to the bare necessities, rather than treating her as a friend. Hoo boy… did she ever make the shit hit the fan, in terms of slandering me, then. She claimed I starved her dog, said that my dog should be put down (for killing chickens that *she* left unprotected), turned one old friend against me (not so good a friend; he has narcissistic tendencies himself), and altogether fomented hate in her little circle.
It was very painful to me at first… but I did now allow myself to be diverted from my healing work. The more I have made myself present to love and everything that goes with it as you point out, Melanie — loyalty, integrity, gentleness and support — the less her antics bother me.
To me, ceasing to match vibrationally feels like a kind of distancing… to use light and darkness as metaphors, it’s as if the darkness doesn’t matter, and can’t penetrate as deeply and seize me inside as it could before, because I am surrounded and permeated by a kind of soft, warm light, that is beautiful, inspiring and comforting. Receiving it and giving it seem inextricable somehow, as if they are one and the same… it’s just like I’m part of a whole.
All is well!
Thanks, Melanie, for your part in this.
-Karen
This is changing my life, forever. Therefore, changing the lives of my children and their children…………
Melanie:
Your site has been a true blessing. It has been 20 days and no contact! yeah! Yet sometimes I wake up out of a dead sleep horrified all over again, even after having a good day. I want to call him and wish he would tell me it was all a nightmare and it never happened. Thanks for your insight, this is not possible. My inner child is devestated and I cannot allow her to be hurt again. I need to protect her. I wish the nightmare would end. Thanks Melanie
Hi Patricia,
What you are describing is completely typical of narcissistic abuse – and of course is horrible. Hence why Patricia you need to turn your ‘inner experience’ around on this – otherwise you will be receiving more of the same with no apparant way out of the ‘black hole’. The narcissistic abuse experience is the greatest call there is to move out of victimhood and into empowerment, and it is totally necessary to work on healing and empowering yourself in order to do so! Rather than keeping your focus on ‘what you don’t want’ you need to start finding the ways to move your life into feeling and then becoming ‘what you do want’. Please know that is your only true solution, and one that will change your life entirely for the better – not just where the narcissist is concerned.
Much Love Melanie xo
Hi Jan, and Iori just like Patricia in order to get out of the hell you need to heal and work on yourself in order to do so…my total recommendation is to check out the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, totally affordable, money-back guarantee, and has been the answer that so many people have looked for…You have nothing to lose by giving it a go, and the end of the nightmare, and your real life to gain….read the testimonies
Much Love Mel xx
Maria and Karen, keep up the fantastic work, and you are more than welcome 🙂 xx
This was a very good article. I found out that the vibration mismatch does work well. I have been doing all of these thing for a while except when she would attack. I would respond with a counter attack. I would feel terrible. I could not sleep or anything, but she could and get up the next morning like nothing never happened. I would then read some more and I realized that I was feeding the disorder. We could fight about something so stupid and I would get so mad and she could sleep peacefully. I am up all night. Then one day I just did not respond to the attacks. I just let it fall of and got my interest in to something positive. It worked. We have a 2 1/2 year old and I am not sure how long she will stay, but I feel good about my break throught. I am going to completly be the person I am until the end and let God handly the rest. Please for your self and you Kids be who God wants you to be, not the narcissist.
Fantastic comment Andre. Powerful! And so tue, it truly is about as you say be who God intends you to be, and place no energy on that and who is not That Truth….bravo! Thank you for your incredible comment that people really need to stand up and take notice if they want to live a different life. We have no control over other people but we DO have control over ourself! 🙂
Hi Melanie,
What a great article and I love the affirmation.
I spent years locked in that battle of disbelief that such betrayal , maliciousness
attacks and distortions had become part of my life.
I am so grateful that it is over now; however, sometimes painful memories of the bizarre and horrible incidents come up still .
Now I will use this affirmation to send these traumatic memories away instead of getting lost in the disbelief all over again.
Really love the clarity of this article and the affirmation- it’s a keeper!
Thank you Gorgeous Angel Melanie !!
I
I was in a 3 year nightmare with this man who I really believed “LOVED ME” boy was I wrong. At the time we met I was going thru some really hard times due to a bad car accident then diagnosed with a blood clot disorder. I was losing my house of 8 years and I really thought this man really cared about me. No he was actually playin me. I was a very strong independant woman who raised 2 sons. My 27 year old is very successfull and my 21 year old is on his 4th year of college.
I fell into a trap with someone who showed me what I thought was LOVE & COMPASSION but not the case he was sucking me into his horrible game. After the sale of my home I moved to a duplex and I started seeing the Jealous & controlling behavior and each time I would try and break this relationship off he would call my phone numerous times and if that didn’t work he would stay out from of where I lived for hours waiting on me to come out and follow me places. I kept giving in to this annoying behavior because it was driving me insane thinking maybe he really did LOVE ME. Not the case he just wanted to control my every move. I said on numerous occasions back off you are somothering me this man would follow me around everywhere. My bedroom,bathroom & kitchen he was always under my feet.
Now the biggest mistake I made was to move out of the duplex that I could no longer afford into a home just 2 houses away from him thinking maybe he would change. Stupid me now it gets worse what was I thinking well it’s afforable for me due to my disabilties and the income I have coming in.
Now My story gets worse I thought he could change nope not even close. The control got worse. In the morning if my lights came on he would be at my door. Many times I would watch the clock afraid of 5:00 was coming and I had to deal with him. I would ask for some “ME” TIME that meant don’t turn on any lights in the house because he would be at the door. He would come back again & again. There were times when I would even take baths in the dark because I knew he was out there waiting for even one chance to come over. I called my Best Friend one evening crying stating I just don’t want to be here anymore because I thought that would be the easiest way out of this horrible relationship. She said no we aren’t doing this you need to get to the Dr. So that week we did.
So Jan 6th I decided that I was not happy nor was this healthy and this so called relationship was not working for me. All the lies, jealousy & contolling behavior I just couldn’t take anymore abuse. He tried over & over to try to manipulate me back into this relationship I just ingnored and deleted all of his calls & texts. I was doing good and regaining my strength and one morning while out back with my dogs, I seen him with what I believe was prob a random girl he brought home from the bar. Within Just a few days prior he was blowing up my phone. I was devastated but I knew he only did this as an attempt to “HURT” me. I caved in and wanted him back and I don’t know why. So then this whole maddness starts all over again for a few weeks. The sexual texts & do you miss me?? and just one last time baby I love you I just brought that girl home it was only drunk sex. I fell for it and this little game he was playing with my emotions had to end. So I went to the Courthouse and filed stalking charges against him, of course he did not show. I do spend alot of time crying and hurting all over I had to once again go visit th Dr. and was prescribed anxiety & anti-depressants. I can’t believe I let the monster destroy me. I want to move but it’s not afforable at this time. Signed, please help me recover from this maddness.
Hi Melanie. These articles are really useful, thank you. I know that in general you are in favour of leaving, but I don’t feel that’s right for me, not now anyway. I’d like to see if things can improve first. I’m a bit afraid of buying your materials though as I think the focus will be on leaving and no contact. And that advice, while understandable and necessary in some circumstances, makes me feel quite helpless and hopeless. Is that correct? Do you have any materials designed for people who want to stay. I should say my husband is definitely capable of empathy and he’s not really that concerned with ‘status’, so I don’t think he has this disorder (not full blown anyway), but he does have some symptoms. So I’m needing help to deal with the sulking and silent treatment and blow ups over little things, not getting over things from the past, those kinds of issues. Thanks so much!
I am glad I found this information. I am sick and tired of being a scapegoat for narcissists. I believe it is time to heal from the narcissistic abuse I have suffered for years. Now that I have a little understanding of the toxicity of narcissism, I can see and feel how it has poisoned me–beginning with my own father. I was then set-up to become a target for other narcissists–codependent with little or no boundaries and poor self-esteem. I am changing that–loyalty, gentleness, suppport, integrity. That is who I am. That is my truth.
Long distance relationship of nearly two years, he is a sex addict + narcissist. He turned his switch off completely from me, I was very hurt and seeking thereapy as a result. My personal items are in his house, I texted him 2 weeks ago asking to mail them back, he never respond to my text messages, phone calls nor e-mails. What do I do? those items mean a lot to me. Is he trying to control me? just like I ask him, I want my life back I need closure on the relationship so I can move on … never heard back from him. What do I expect?