Melanie Tonia Evans

Are You With A Narcissist?

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Today in the world and in the news we hear the word narcissism quite often, but if you were to ask the general public what makes someone a narcissist would they be able to tell you?

Would they say it is someone who is full of themselves? Would they say it is someone who is arrogant and conceited and thinks they are better than everyone else?

The truth is, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is much more sinister then that…

This announcement is incredibly important. As you read on you will understand why.
It is to do with raising world awareness of what Narcissistic Personality Disorder really is. The world, including media, health organisations, legal systems and psychologists and counsellors, as well as the general community have an incredibly limited understanding.
This allows narcissists to operate in homes and corporations undetected, causing incredible damage to individuals, families, children, future generations and society as a whole.
It is time that the REAL information was exposed and brought out into the open.

Narcissists exist all over the world, in every social bracket, and personally destroy the lives of those around them.

In relation to intimate relationships, narcissists sweep into people’s lives full of charm and promise and leave them reeling in devastation.

Narcissists are able to lie to you without batting an eyelid – feigning their sincerity, values and monogamy, and can tell you that you are the person they have been waiting for all of their life.

The narcissist will become your ‘dream partner’ – and they will declare that their love and attention is all about you – but nothing could be further from the truth.

You believe you have met ‘the one’ – your true soul mate. In time, this person who has professed their undying love to you becomes your worst enemy – punishing you, hurting you, attacking you with any means possible and trying to turn your family, children and friends against you.

You will be shattered at how purposefully the narcissist starts destroying your life, reputation, taking your money, energy and emotional wellbeing whilst proclaiming to all and sundry that you are the disordered one.

Narcissists not only damage intimate partners, they also inflict incredible terror, pain and psychological damage on children, and create dysfunctional future generations. They continue to breed cycles of abusers and the abused. Narcissists are an incredible blight on society as a whole.

My name is Melanie Tonia Evans, I am a narcissistic abuse recovery expert, and I have decided to write this resource to help individuals identify the real and common behaviours of a narcissist, to ensure they do not meet the same fate that myself and countless people world-wide have.

Despite writing as many articles on narcissism as I have, I still receive dozens of emails each week asking – “Is this person in my life really a narcissist, or just someone who (fill in the gap)?”…

I know this confusion occurs for two main reasons:

1) Until you have encountered a narcissistic person you have no idea what the ‘crazy making’ is. Most people think they are losing their mind, because what the narcissist does doesn’t fit into any acceptable human model, and until you have experienced and understood it there is no point of reference.

2) The perverse chemical addiction to a narcissist means you are mentally, emotionally and physiologically ‘hooked’. As a result your mind tries to find all sorts of reasons and excuses to exonerate the narcissist.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) explains the symptoms of NPD as the following:

  • Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments
  • Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others
  • Envies others and believes others envy him/her
  • Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence
  • Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others
  • Is arrogant in attitudes and behaviour
  • Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic

There is also a belief (Wikipedia also states this) that NPD affects approximately 1% of the community.

When we can understand narcissism intimately, which involves the inability to be vulnerable (admit defects) or take personal responsibility for their flaws, we can realise just how few narcissists would ever seek an NPD diagnosis or allow themselves to be exposed enough to be diagnosed.

Narcissists are the ultimate False Selves – they wear masks whenever possible, and especially to avoid scrutiny.

Therefore I believe this ‘percentage’ is quite frankly ludicrous.

This is my belief about the DSM-5 list. It explains only some of the traits of the narcissist and certainly does not explain the ‘mask’ the narcissist wears to lure you in, extract narcissistic supply from you and hide his or her true damaged, shameful and disordered self.

This list also certainly does not even come close to the accurate description of the outrageous, malicious and pathological behavior narcissists commonly act out.

There are also irregularities in the existing DSM-5 list. Point one as an example is not accurate. There are narcissists who secure accomplishments. Narcissists brag and demand recognition regardless of whether their achievements are real or not.

Many people reading the DSM-5 explanation may think “Yes, some of these apply, but this person can be so loving and wonderful. So then how can he or she be a narcissist?

The narcissist in between narcissistic bouts (when his or her severely damaged true self appears), is a consummate chameleon and can appear as the most loving, accepting, supportive person you can imagine.

This is how narcissists get narcissistic supply (their all-consuming need for outside attention in order to emotionally survive). They have to pretend they are someone they are not.

As a result of years of assisting thousands of people recover from narcissistic abuse (and knowing their stories intimately), as well as my own recovery from two narcissistic relationships (a classic and then an altruistic narcissist), I would like to share with you my definitions of a narcissist.

Before I do, it is important to realise that there are people who can be self-absorbed, and even selfish who do not have NPD. These people may even have superiority complexes, exaggerate their accomplishments and credentials and fail to have sufficient empathy for others in need.

This could make a person painful to be around, and disappointing to have a relationship with, but it certainly does NOT define the horrendous destruction and tragedies which narcissists create for the non-narcissistic human community.

 

The Trademarks of a Narcissist

There are, in my opinion, absolute trademarks for an individual with NPD, trademarks which need to understood and circulated.

These behaviours cross the line from human to inhumane and in my opinion (because I have never heard or witnessed one reported case of ‘it working out ‘or ‘he / she got better’ with a person who displays some, many or all of these behaviours) means this person has NPD – and therefore is malicious and untreatable, and intensely dangerous and destructive to others.

It is very important to understand that upon meeting the narcissist and even the first weeks, or months with this person the following behaviour will not be evident – however commonly there will be ‘red flags. There will be events like exes making contact with you, stories that don’t feel ‘quite right’, or strange reactions, accusations, put downs, insecure comments, or signs of taking umbrage that leave you feeling ‘weird’ ‘wrong’ or even intensely unsafe.

Too many people have rationalised away these ‘signs’ and paid gravely for it later.

The following behaviours constitute an individual who will put you at severe risk emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and often times sexually and physically – and if you hang on to a relationship with this person, you could be taken all the way to your demise as a result of the narcissistic cycles of idealise then devalue and discard.

When you see the list of these extremely common narcissistic behaviours you will understand why they are so destructive.

If you are being abused by a narcissist, I understand you may think that you are the only person who is experiencing this insanity and tormenting behaviour. However when you read the stories of countless others, you would realise just how common and stock standard these narcissistic behaviors are.

NPD Behaviour is:

  • Pathological lying. 
  • Taking umbrage at slights that healthy mature adults just don’t get upset about.
  • Being ‘loving’ and ‘adoring’ one moment and detesting, attacking, or threatening you with breakups the next. These ‘you are the love of my life / I’d be better off without you’ cycles are often sudden, unexpected and without warning. 
  • Uses the identified emotional wound of the victim against him, or her. For example if the victim has a fear of abandonment the narcissist will continually threaten and / or perform abandonment. If granting other women or men attention creates emotional pain, the narcissist will ‘flaunt’ that behaviour regularly. If being distrusted and accused of adultery creates a painful reaction, the narcissist will deliver accusations regularly. This is followed by the narcissist denying all responsibility and blaming the other person as ‘the cause of him or her leaving’, or labelling his or her victim as ‘jealous, insecure and paranoid’, or ‘flirting purposefully and deserving distrust’.
  • Nil ability to be vulnerable, real, honest or discuss problems rationally when feeling emotionally upset. 
  • Intense harbouring about what you did or didn’t do in the past which ‘insulted’ the narcissist. The harbouring continues to re-emerge no matter how many times you apologise or believe the issue was previously resolved.
  • Propensity to lash out and punish horrifically with minimal provocation – delivering behaviour that is a complete mismatch for the perceived injury the narcissist believed he or she received. 
  • Smear campaigns created against the person who the narcissist has damaged, containing fabricated and misleading evidence. 
  • Using abuse by proxy getting other people and organisations to attack the victim on the narcissist’s behalf, fuelled by smear campaigns.
  • Nil ability to be accountable for horrendous malicious, pathological or outrageous behaviour. 
  • Nil ability to be appropriately remorseful and fix the damage of the horrendous behaviour inflicted on the victim. 
  • Nil ability to have empathy for the victim or for people connected to the victim – such as the victim’s children or family.
  • Accuses others, especially intimate partner for all the things that the narcissist thinks, says and does. 
  • High level of entitlement to money, resources, recognition, sex and / or attention.
  • Excessive and outrageous spending habits coupled with loose and poor money management. Takes financial risks and gambles which create stress for the narcissist and his or her partner / family.
  • Prone to superficiality and materialism. A need to ‘show off’ and enough is never enough. 
  • Pathological and / or compulsive adultery without using sexual protection which puts possible multiple partners at risk 
  • The ability to pathologically lie and feign ‘love and commitment’ to ‘outside’ sexual partners to garnish narcissistic supply and / or punish current partner.
  • The ability to keep previous partners hooked and sexually active during devalue and discard cycles whilst sourcing and romancing new sources of narcissistic supply. (Narcissists will generally avoid being single at any cost). 
  • Previous partners are kept on the narcissist’s hook with open ended comments such as ‘Never say never’ so when discarded, the narcissist has the option to revisit if sources of narcissistic supply get low – or if he or she wants to act out revenge on the current partner. 
  • Performs smear campaign about and amongst multiple sexual partners, regarding why the narcissist despises, discredits or wants nothing to do with the ‘other’ sexual partners, so that they will not suspect or find out the truth. 
  • ‘Apologies’ ‘empathy’ ‘accountability’ or ‘make up’ behaviour (if any) is long overdue, and only generally after escalation of more horrendous pathological and / or adulterous behaviour, threats and smear campaigns (discovered and undiscovered). This ‘remorse’ is not consistent and contains fabricated ‘make-up’ promises which are generally undelivered. Restoration is temporary, and leads to repeat cycles of nil accountability, nil remorse, nil empathy and repeat horrendous behaviour. 
  • Intense anger, rage and projection (and often total discard) if confronted with the truth – that the narcissist’s issues come from unhealed childhood wounds which the narcissist is unwilling to face and deal with.

 

How the Narcissist Argues

One of the most sure-fire ways to know you are with a narcissist is identifying how a narcissist argues. To say a narcissist fights dirty, with no conscience and out of bounds twisted behaviour is an understatement.

If you feel like you are trying to have a conversation with an angry, insane, malicious five year old child, and this ‘conversation’ feels like you are losing your grip on reality because a good smattering of the tactics below are being used – you can be 100% sure it is with a narcissist.

Because it is ONLY people with narcissistic personality disorder who EVER communicate like this.

The list of the arsenal the narcissist holds and uses when arguing with you is this:

  • Avoidance: Refusing to recognise or acknowledge the incident as real or important to you.
  • Excuses: Making up stories or reasons for the behaviour that are not genuine or valid excuses.
  • Accusations: Blaming someone else for the wrongdoing.
  • False Apology: Saying a ‘sorry’ that is not a genuine apology, and expecting you to accept it.
  • Ignorance: Claiming you never said that, that was never discussed, or the narcissist never said that.
  • Confusion: Creating antics over trivial points in the conversation to shift and confuse the focus.
  • Projection: Stating ‘what you did wrong’ regarding the particular topic by using ammunition from the past that has nothing to do with the present incident.
  • Using Allies: Quoting people real or imagined to back their ‘story’ of excuses, or to discredit you.
  • Shutting down: Unwilling to have the conversation or abandoning the scene to avoid scrutiny.
  • Shifting Focus: Responding with displeasure to your body language or the tone of your voice to steer the conversation away from the wrongdoing.
  • Persecution: Stating how bad your accusations are, and what a terrible person you are to accuse them.
  • Denial: Stating that it was incidents in your past, and your fears and insecurities which causes you to make these accusations.
  • Discrediting: Stating that you are such a negative person and always look for the ‘conspiracy theory’ in your conversations.
  • Threatening: Citing abandonment or punishment if you continue with the accusation.
  • Entitlement: Demanding that you recognise the positive things they have done for you, and that it’s unfair for you to focus on the negatives.
  • Lying: Stating they did grant explanation, reassurance, or did do the credible thing when these actions were not forthcoming.
  • Condemnation: Continuing the story of “I did do the right thing” and then being incensed at you for calling them a liar.
  • Justification: Stating ‘I did it’ because of your behaviour and because you make me do these things.
  • Triggering: Using a maiming comment related or unrelated to incite you to anger and shift blame.
  • Competition: Stating all the things that they are not happy about with you, as a ‘tit for tat’ retaliation, rather than addressing the issue at hand.

 

Why Does a Narcissist Do What They Do?

It is important to understand why narcissists behave in such cruel, calculating and malicious ways. Narcissists are severely emotionally damaged people, who decided at a young age that the internal pain of ‘You are worthless, no good, defective and unlovable’ meant that the narcissist had to ‘kill off’ his or her true self, and create a False Self as a buffer in its place.

The False Self is a pathological façade constructed to gain praise, admiration, attention and be seen as omnipotent or special compared to others.

This pathological self has no resources to feel whole or at peace, and the narcissist needs ‘energy’ from the outside world constantly reflected back to him or her to know he or she exists.

The narcissist needs attention and significance (known as Narcissistic Supply) to avoid the pain, and to gain some relief, just like a heroin addict does. A narcissist will do whatever it takes without conscience or remorse to keep feeding the False Self.

People and things are reduced to mere objects in order to provide narcissistic supply, and are punished severely and cruelly when they don’t supply it adequately.

The tragic thing is that narcissists have also been victims of victims. It is only scared and hurt people who hurt others. We can have compassion for this fact, but must firmly realise narcissists do not heal, resolve and evolve past their atrocious behaviour. They refuse to admit defects, be vulnerable or apply self-humility, which are the essential ingredients for personal growth.

If you have never experienced a narcissist, you may shake your head in disbelief that there are people who behave like these lists above – let alone be able to believe there is a huge cluster of people on this planet who live their life exclusively like this and cannot operate with integrity. Any ‘integrity’ is only feigned by a narcissist.

If you have been abused by a narcissist you certainly know what it is like to be engulfed in such a twisted disturbing world.

I really hope this has cleared up your confusion, and not only helped you identify whether or not you are with a narcissist, but also how damaging, dangerous and soul-destroying it is to be with one – if you are.

All of what I written above is not just the story of what I have experienced at the hands of narcissists, these are the identical stories (often word for word) which have happened in more people’s lives than you could even begin to imagine.

If you are reading this article and you have just realised that you may be dealing with a narcissist in your life – I know exactly what you are going through. Please sign up to my free New Life Newsletter which will give you complete access to 2 free ebooks, many articles, radio shows and videos on how to recover from narcissistic abuse. All of the content is structured in a sequence to get you real relief, answers and a roadmap to get your life back on track as soon as possible.

 

Spread The Message

It is my mission to spread this information on a global scale so that men and woman do not have to go through the agony and soul destroying devastation of their emotions, livelihood, wellbeing and loved ones.

By empowering this generation with this vital knowledge, we have the ability to break away from narcissists, heal and empower ourselves, and then impart the teaching to our teenagers and children – how to love and honour self, as well as identify people who are authentic and stay clear of people who aren’t.

But In order to spread this message I need your help – so please share this article with your friends, colleagues, family or anyone that will read it. You can also share this link with other abuse and narcissistic recovery groups. A powerful way of exposing this message is also to write to and put this link in news article comments where you recognise that the story is about a narcissist. More and more of those stories are becoming commonplace now.

There are many ways we can now bring this insidious disease out into the open.

Also it is very important for you to not only share this article as widely as you can – but also, if you relate to the behaviours that I have written about, to post below so that people coming to this article realise that these people are NOT rare isolated incidents, and that they have affected so many people’s lives with this identical behaviour, and do so often, as well as tragically over and over again.

Just think… together we can potentially save someone’s life and changes the lives of others for future generations.

We all have the ability to get this message out, so that when people hear about the behaviours listed above, it can become common knowledge that it means the person in question has NPD.

Only then will victims be able to realise what is happening to them, get support, break away and heal.

Until then there are far too may people blind sighted and torn apart by this horrendous mental disease.

Thank you for getting behind this mission!

 

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melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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229 Thoughts on Are You With A Narcissist?
  • joseroseg@xtra.co.nz'
    Jose
    July 24, 2013

    Every sentence applies to me. It absoloutely describes him.
    I am in this right now and you are right ,lawyers, police, counsellers mainly do not know about narcissostic behaviour, and you feel so alone. This man also has his grown up children, doing terrible things to me.
    Jose

    • borland330@btinternet.com'
      Jean Werge
      July 24, 2013

      I have changed my name as I know he is constantly viewing his ex wife and family on facebook and I don’t want to fall prey to this either. I have known this man now for 4 years. He has another woman in another part of the country which he constantly texts and she him but interestingly she seems to be a lot like him – a taker, not intelligent at all and boring and only hooks up with him when it suits her. He says he provides her with the emotional support that she needs and he makes her feel good. Given half the chance he will sleep with whatever else comes along and does not use protection. He lives on benefits and of course taps all of us for money whenever he can. He has a son and the son is lovely but is now 16 and doesn’t really seem to want to see him which of course he blames on the ex wife. I am married to a much older man who drank heavily for years and is now paying the price with very ill health for the last 5 years. He has been dry for the last two and is a better person but I have held the household together for the last 19 years pretty much on my own – I have a son too. My son has little to do with his father and hates the fact that I am involved with this narcissist – I know that my husband does not have long maybe weeks maybe months and I will be sad but I will also be free and then I can make the house my own again, welcoming and have friends around and lead a normal life. I hope also that I will then have the strength to boot the narcissistic arsehole out of my life for once and for all and meet someone who is there for me when I need them for simple things like hospital appointments and someone who has his own money and someone who has true empathy – I lost a good job because of this narcissist and nearly lost my house as well – I truly believe that there is definitely more than 1% of the male population effected by this personality disorder and not many of them come forward in the first instance hence the low percentage estimate. He discards people including me whenever he feels like it. He constantly talks about his sexual prowess but really is not a good lover at all – lazy and does not really engage in foreplay for long enough leaving me frustrated and I am sure that is the case with all the others as he cannot really do intimacy proper- 2 wives have left him so far – he says he wont commit again but you would have to be very desperate to commit to such detritus anyway. I have read all Melanie’s blogs and listened to the radio interviews and have her healing programme, have been to a counsellor for a while until I could no longer afford it – This heap of rubbish of course owes me money so I am keeping him sweet until he pays up or at least most of it. I really hope things at home shift soon so I no longer have the need to use him as an escape in desperation and of course have to admit that there is a part of me that constantly wishes that he will change, no longer lie and cheat, no longer talk rubbish about himself and all his accomplishments of which I don’t see many as he lives on a tatty boat which is getting worse as the engine has been neglected as he drinks too much and of course is always chasing skirt. He is a real charmer but is losing his looks and his energy levels are much lower as he is getting older and this bothers him – He has isolated himself from his whole family and most of his so called friends and really I don’t see him actually having a true friend to date – He uses people and they get fed up and dust off – Hope I have the strength to do this soon as I have wasted time although I have to say it has been an immense learning curve for me and I will see the signs so clearly in any future hook up with a man – thank god for Melanie and her site and all her wonderful blogs – I would have gone insane without them for sure!!! Melanie do feel free to contact me at anytime and I am more than happy to contribute in any way I can as a wiser not quite free of the narcissist at this point but hoping to be. Have a great day. xxx

      • sb2009@aapt.net.au'
        Susan
        July 25, 2013

        I hate to say it but unless you have some written evidence for your loans and the resources to take legal action, I doubt if stringing him along – “keeping him sweet” – is going to get you your money back. Ask Tonia what she thinks but sounds to me as though you would be better off letting both him and the money go wthout further ado. If your husband is not a narcissist and not abusing you and not drinking, give your kindness to him for now – perhaps he has not deserved it and perhaps his illness makes him grumpy and bad company but it sounds as though he is trying to change and kindness blesses the giver as well as the recipient – healing your relationship with him even a little and even at this late stage will be a positive thing. Consider the possibility of being OK on your own when he passes. Once you are not needing someone you have a better chance to attract a decent partner but decent partners do not usually want to form relationships with someone else’s wife -so be patient and be loving and kind. I wish you well.

        • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
          Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 25, 2013

          Hi Susan,

          this is accurate.

          There is no ‘keeping in’ so that the narcissist does the ‘right thing’. You will be waiting for ever – as the narcissist has already justified to himself and all of sundry how YOU ripped him off.

          He believes he is the victim and you owe him.

          Best to cut losses, move on and deeply realise that when you heal and empower yourself the narcissist is in no way the source of your wellbeing and abundance – you are.

          The ‘hook’ of repayments is a hook – and can be used to keep you attached and ‘punished’ but only if you allow it.

          Let go and start claiming and creating your own fullness and truth.

          Mel xo

    • mtlemieux@yahoo.com'
      Michele
      July 25, 2013

      Jose,

      After being arrested three times because of my Narc, I asked my counselor this same question. She told me that it is me who choses to live this type of life. It’s true. We are just as responsible for allowing this to happen to us. It’s not that they don’t know about Narcissism, it’s that WE ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN TO US.

    • Toddlerdesign@yahoo.com'
      Francine
      July 27, 2013

      I can relate to everything here on some level. I am recovering but my ex has visitation with my two children and is still fighting me in the court system rather heavily. I do not trust him at all with the children. Anyone else out there fighting with these issues? I love your sight Melanie such great insight. I often wonder how do people change the formal medical description to add the types of things you added? Who decides what goes into an official personality disorder description? For me everyone accepts the description “abuser” but when I use the desciption “narcissist” people can’t get a hold of it. Many descriptions of a domestic abuser and narcissist on the web are very similar. I have personally yet to hear about an abuser who is not a narcissist and I have not heard of any mothers who are comfortable sending their children with narcissists. The protection of children should be first but because their actions are many covert and manipulative and not physical against the children it is hard to get the courts to recognize how dangerous they can be in many cases.

      • bestmummyever@yahoo.com'
        Meghan
        August 7, 2013

        My ex NARC and I are going through custody hearings as well. Everyone has told me if a father shows the tiniest bit of interest, he will get some sort of visitations. I am scared of this as well. You are not alone in this. My ex started out asking for full custody of our eight month old. I have told my lawyer we are not dealing with a typical person here and he will fight tooth and nail, lie, and manipulate. I know what a nightmare it is and how scary the prospect of sending off your kids with someone you know to be abusive is. Good luck. You are not alone! I am sure many people on this page are in the same boat.

    • Toddlerdesign@yahoo.com'
      Francine
      July 27, 2013

      I can relate to everything here on some level. I am recovering but my ex has visitation with my two children and is still fighting me in the court system rather heavily. I do not trust him at all with the children. Anyone else out there fighting with these issues? I love your sight Melanie such great insight. I often wonder how do people change the formal medical description to add the types of things you added? Who decides what goes into an official personality disorder description? For me everyone accepts the description “abuser” but when I use the desciption “narcissist” people can’t get a hold of it. Many descriptions of a domestic abuser and narcissist on the web are very similar. I have personally yet to hear about an abuser who is not a narcissist and I have not heard of any mothers who are comfortable sending their children with narcissists. The protection of children should be first but because their actions are many covert and manipulative and not physical against the children it is hard to get the courts to recognize how dangerous they really are.

    • sarynia@hotmail.de'
      kathleen
      May 9, 2014

      I’m a recovering codependent. This website has really opened my eyes to how destructive I’ve been to myself. I live in Germany and my abuser fits this description fully. He’s also a dry alcoholic but an active cannabus abuser which made me think it was just the drug making him act like this. I guess it jyst compounded the situation and I did indeed think I was going insane – of course he insisted I was! He never fought for custody of his two daughters and he and his exwife continued an emtional relatioship which always hurt me terribly but he made me feel guilty because he was only doing it to keep contact with his daughters- they are now 15 and 18 and still continues to go the ex’s house and excluded me from everything. I always described him as jekyll and hyde in our on -off and love – hate relationship. I still have pain after this last breakup but I am shifting my energie and I believe I will conquer this addiction. Thank you.

  • susantraversing@gmail.com'
    Sue Travers
    July 24, 2013

    As always, you are 100% right on with narcissistic behavior. I am doing better each day, out of my narcissistic relationship for nine months after fifteen years of marriage. I even donated a kidney to him, I could never understand how he could still be so mean (of course alternating with false apologies and oh so lovingness) after saving his life. I think the successful transplant actually made him worse.

    • sonyahawes@optusnet.com.au'
      Sonya
      July 24, 2013

      Hi there Sue… I am so hearing you. I left my narcissistic husband 4 years ago after 16 years of marriage and giving him 2 beautiful children through IVF after forgiving him for affairs before after and inbetween the birth of the children. (he was the infertile one) I have also experienced the ‘forever grateful and I will always care and support you and I am so sorry behaviours’ followed by attacks so vicious and cruel that I end up in such a state I find it hard to function. I am getting better thanks to Melanie’s posts and understanding so much clearer what I am dealing with. I know things will improve more when I dedicate myself to the NRP program which I have started but I know I need to commit 100% to break through the layers that I know are still there. I am not sure why I keep making excuses and keep putting it off…Melanie maybe you can shed some light here?? It’s almost like I am scared about what I am going to uncover?

      • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 25, 2013

        Hi Sonya,

        When we understand peptide addiction and our own ego survival programs of pain and fear – we know that our ego does NOT want to let go of its identity.

        We think being a ‘victim’ defines us, and that hanging on to pain keeps us safe.

        It certainly doesn’t – it only brings and keeps going (even if only emotionally) the pain of what we fear.

        Once we start the deep inner work we start dissolving our ego survival programs – because that is what healing, evolution and coming out of pain and fear is all about.

        Too often we can think we ARE the pain and fear (the ego), whereas the fact of the matter is we are not the fear and the pain..there is something so much more powerful and connected under this which is our True Self, and that’s what we need to excavate away the pain and fear to get to.

        It’s a decision Sonya – and a bigger picture perspective. Some people reach their personal inner change dedication after realising they just can’t keep going on any longer.

        When the fear of staying the same and continuing to feel the pain gets greater than the fear of change and committing to oneself that is generally when it happens – the sad thing is that usually happens when people have hit their lowest ‘make or break’ point…

        However, truly it doesn’t have to wait that long.

        There is an essential life truth which governs all of us – nothing in our life will EVER change unless we change – then everything changes.

        The changes must come from within – because that is where our entire life is unfolding from.

        I hope this has inspired you.

        Mel xo

    • pat_rice_nea@yahoo.com'
      Pat
      July 31, 2013

      George Lopez anyone?

  • jacqui.gill@health.sa.gov.au'
    Jacqui Gill
    July 24, 2013

    My relationship confused me for 8 years. One day i was watching the Dr Phil show and he mentioned about a woman that was narcistic. He said what her personality was like and i turned to my partner and said, “that is you”
    He didnt say a word.
    This played on my mind and i started researching narcistic and found Melanie Tonie Evans and could not believe that listening to her stories and reading information, that this had been my life for eight years. I thought i had been going mad and that my life at 49 was no longer worth living, death was a better option, my self esteem was so low. The more i researched i reliased that it wasnt me and i wasnt mad and IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. At times i get angry that this has happened to me, 50,000 poorer, but i realise that with all the previous things like a marriage where my husband had an affair for 1 year and i stayed for seven years after that, this is when i left my husband and later met my narcasist or being adopted as a child had alot of impact on me and this is why my narcistic relation i now own and have done the work to fix myself by loving myself and only needing myself when i look for happiness. Then everything changed and my whole life is now something it has never been before WONDERFUL Thankyou Melanie you opened my eyes

  • donnaestokes@yahoo.co.uk'
    Donna Stokes
    July 24, 2013

    Thank goodness my friend put me onto this, I had heard the word narcissist, but had never looked into it. I just thought I had been unfortunate in meeting two of the most cruel men that walked the planet. But when I read Melanie’s posts, I had the answers, several lightbulbs came on and instantly I started to feel 100% better. The more I read, the more I took ownership of myself, and have discovered that I really can be happy. I am sad that I wasted so many years, but I am healthy and happy for the first time in years. Thank you to my friend and Melanie.

  • blair_09@hotmail.com'
    blair
    July 24, 2013

    Hi Melanie
    This is a brilliant piece of writing and I commend you on your efforts to raise the profile of this illness. Your estimations about the true percentage of affected individuals is also on the money. How can someone beyond accountability be counted?
    Since I was awoken to this illness, I can see many people in my friendship and partner back catalogue that would fit the DSM-v criteria. And it pains me too, that society more broadly do not understand the difference between the adjective (Narcissist) and the severe mental illness (NPD). Even my friends don’t really get it. It is my hope that we can educate people about this and that comprehension can apply to those beyond mere subjective experience.
    Fight the good fight!
    Blair

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Blair,

      that is a great point – that someone who will not be accountable is not going to be counted..

      It is very true that the real behaviours need to be exposed, because there are far too many people blindsighted, and have no idea – and are NOT informed by counsellors, psychologists, or media and are suffering greatly and even die as a result of the confusion, emotional torture and abuse.

      It would be a much more ‘aware’ world if rather than someone shaking their head upon hearing the behaviour could say – “Oh wow do you realise he / she is a narcissist – because that is what narcissists do”.

      How many more lives would be saved if it was public knowledge?

      How many more people could let go and commit to their healing and recovery – which is IMPOSSIBLE when they remain attached?

      Thank you for your post..

      Mel xo

  • christine.chisari03@gmail.com'
    Christine
    July 24, 2013

    Every time i read these articles out loud to a family member or friend, they ALL say the same thing, “Thats you word for word”! Finally an understanding of whats really going on in my world, and most importantly a resolution on how to break free. Ive read tons of comments and realize this IS happening way more often, and far longer than one should ever deal with the insanity! After months of trying to break up, I finally took the correct steps once I came across this website and within the first 2 journals my whole outlook changed. The thing that makes Melanie different than any other therapist or online help is that she has been through it. And if you’ve been there, then you know. If u haven’t, u cant ever understand I dont care how many degrees books classes you take. Bottom line – it exists, its happening its going unseen and this IS an answer. Melanie saved my life.

  • cmerzeder@me.com'
    Christine M.
    July 24, 2013

    Hi Melanie, this blogpost is brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I will do my best to help spread the word, it is necessary. I responded to an article in our Sunday paper over here in Europe, where a young journalist writes about her experience in the early stages which she titled: “too good to be true”. She is the perfect prey and was being love-bombed which she of course, does not know yet. I told her in a letter to the editor that her story sounds like a case-study of the starting phase of n-abuse! As a journalist, she can do the research herself, I just gave your website and some key-words she can research such as love-bombing, red-flags and n-abuse. I am so committed to help spreading the word. I almost died in late summer 2011, was discarded in January 2012, found NARP and you six agonising months later and now I am a thriver. I am eternally grateful!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Christine,

      thank you for your lovely post and being so pro-active with this mission.

      It has been wonderful to see how much you have healed, grown and prospered as a result of healing with the NARP Program.

      Mel xo

  • karenlynellewilliams@gmail.com'
    Karen Williams
    July 24, 2013

    Hi,
    Science fiction characters who have the ability to morph from one form into another were not created from someone’s imagination. They are based on real life people called narcissists. You will not believe this or recognise such a person unless you have been personally involved with one like Melanie or unless you are an individual like M. Scott Peck world famous psychiatrist and author of “The Road Less Travelled” who wrote a book about them called “People of the Lie” Peck observed narcissists in earlier times long before social media made it more acceptable to discuss such topics. However, Sam Vaknin a modern narcissist expert, is not at all backward in coming forward in naming and identifying narcissists…please check him out.
    When I think of a narcissist I am reminded of the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. How caring and helpful he appeared to the girl when he first met her in the woods. What a handsome, confident creature he seemed to be as he promised her the world but planned to deliver worse than nothing…her head on a plate!
    When I was with a narcissist, he told me the only thing that stopped some people from committing the most heinous of crimes was..the law. Not their conscience, not compassion, not fear, not guilt..but the thought that there would be consequences for THEM as a result.
    My advice to everyone reading this blog is to NEVER assume that because you are OK everybody else is also. It’s far healthier to take the position Im OK your not OK..until you’ve PROVEN otherwise.

    • 2911jmh@gmail.com'
      journeygrl
      July 27, 2013

      Dear Karen;
      I want to thank you for some very wise and insightful statements you made in your comment.

    • mara.zampariolo@gmail.com'
      mara
      September 3, 2013

      Sam Vakhnin is a rare self-aware Narcissist ! this is what makes his work so interesting…

  • bsf@rochester.rr.com'
    Bonnie
    July 24, 2013

    Thank you for this comprehensive article. I hope the whole world has a chance to read and understand what the crazy making world of NPD is all about. My husband of 42 years left 16 months ago. He simply put a note on the door telling me I had been the reason for his successes but he needed to find himself. It was at that moment I began to read his journals and consulted with a therapist that I discovered the delusional world of those who suffer from NP D. I discovered at that time that I was severely co-dependent, needless to say I was devastated. I thought everything was my fault. For 42 years I felt like I held back the dam– that if I had asked for what I needed I would have been abandoned before.
    Please people pay attention — these people prey on those of us who are empathetic. Please don’t end up like me– old, abandoned, and alone after years of caring for, and caring about a man who could not love– could only take, sucked my life energies. Yes I was his narcissistic supply and I had no idea what that meant for 42 years.Now he moved on to a new supply!
    Please pay attention– YOUR LIFE depends on it!

    • mtlemieux@yahoo.com'
      Michele
      July 25, 2013

      Bonnie,
      Good for you! Thanks for sharing.

  • astrid_vogel@msn.com'
    Astrid
    July 24, 2013

    Melanie what a good explainations you wrote and I can relate to every word of it.
    I left a relationship of 36 years still recovering of the things i have been gone trough and what he is still trying to do despite I hold on to the no-contact rule.
    I lost everything and even turned my adlut children against me by telling his lies.
    I live in the Netherlands and despite that my country is seen as a well developed country there is litlle or nothing for victims to get the help they need, let allone that therapist see it as a serious deseas that destroys a lot of women (and mens) lives.
    So thank you for bringing it in the open world wide.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Astrid,

      You are very welcome, and I wish you healing and strength.

      It is very true that there are many therapists who have not been through narcissistic abuse, and couldn’t even begin to relate to it.

      No-one ever can unless they have experienced it…

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • michelle@icatchbabies.com'
    Michelle
    July 24, 2013

    Melanie’s information, articles and course has been a huge help to me. I first became aware of Melanie’s website and newsletter about 2 years ago and signed up instantly. I was at that time about 2.5 years into the 4 year hell of a relationship with a NARC. The informataion was very helpful and resonated very strongly with what I was going though. It just goes to show you how strong the addiction is because the more I read and learned and understood, I was still suceptable to taking him back after a break up. He did all the things on the list and more. The mind-blowingly insane conversations and fights we had would make my head explode. Really these people begger belief. I was also the very typical NARC partner…co dependent yet very successful and independent in my own right. Great career and group of normal friends and precious relationships. I had never experienced anything like this. The highs and lows were life altering and very very addictive. I found myself resolving time and time again that it was over only to take him back again and again. I likened (still do actually) to a recovering alcoholic. No contact is so so important. No contact of any description at all because anything can lead to being right back where you were before and every single time the addiction increases. Nearly five years down the tract and after doing Melanie’s course I feel calm, centered and free. I say this but will and internal voice of doubt because just like an alcoholic I know I have said that before and I have gone back again. I will say that this time feels different but time will tell. I would advise anyone who suspects their life is effected by this PD to get out and get help though Melanie. She has been a life saver and taught me so much about myself and who I really am.. what I really deserve.
    M

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Michelle,

      that is wonderful that you dedicated to ‘going within’, putting in the inner work and broke through as a result.

      It is very true that self-healing and self-development is not a ‘thing’ we do to feel better and then leave it alone…

      It is a lifestyle and one that pays incredible dividends allowing us to realise when we are not connected and whole, how life can again reflect that back to us.

      Narcissists are the epitome of that reflection.

      Keep up the great work.

      Mel xo

      • nanmac2000@hotmail.com'
        nan
        October 11, 2013

        So do most narcissist know on some level that they are? All of what this website details is very true from my experience and also training and reading but you are correct re:the DSM not covering the range of behaviors… it is a very minimal description and misses the pathology of the interactions with others that plague the narcissist in all dimensions of life typically…

  • janeenst@yahoo.com.au'
    Janine
    July 24, 2013

    Melanie, thank you for the great article and encouragement regarding the horrendous experience of becoming involved with an Narcissist…A Nightmare!!
    Truly these people are emotional, physical, financial, psychic monsters!. if you meet one RUN! It is said that the origin and inspiration of vampires was based on stories of these sub humans. Their worst quality is probably their complete lack of empathy which renders them to be as ruthless as a predator. Such as a crocodile or shark…. They DEVOUR their victims once their love bombing has captured us. Slowly inexorably they eat at our self confidence and esteem. We are hurt and confused when they flirt with other women , triangulate, lie, deceive and cheat on us. Their proud smug looks tear us to bits, slowly, cruelly until finally and suddenly after they have devalued us, they ruthlessly and with no emotion discard us!. We are left stranded, alone and stunned. We cannot explain this to others since few understand. We are left destroyed, feeling like lifeless corpses…We are breathing yes, but our life has been swallowed, eaten, devoured by the monster.
    Melanie almost three years out of the relationship and totally NO CONTACT for that time and only now can I say, I am almost back to my old self….. Older and much wiser! But beware as often they return and love bomb us all over and this is the really dangerous lure as this time we may not recover.. I know because he came back for more and the second time was a thousand times worse.
    Now I KNOW the red flags I can spot Ns at fifty paces. THANK YOU for your work!
    It is time the world knew the dangers of these people…. If you meet one RUN!!!!!
    Janine, Melbourne

    • mtlemieux@yahoo.com'
      Michele
      July 25, 2013

      Janine,

      Truly wonderful description of the horrendous devils that they truly are! You are right, they do suck every ounce of your life, self-esteem, money, career paths, and spit you out and not so much bat an eye at you while they insist that their actions are your fault. This however, is their power. It reminds me of the movie, “War of the Worlds.”

  • louisa.mills3@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sarah
    July 24, 2013

    This is all relevant to me. I was unfortunate to get hooked at 16, with a narcissist who went on to become my (ex)husband. My life was a mess when I met him and I was very susceptible to mental control which began immediately (I moved in with him right away). I would have done anything for him, probably even died for him because I was convinced he was my soulmate, he was special, he made out that he was unlike anybody else on the earth and way up on a pedastal. We were like characters from an old magical myth and he was always the main character – the one I was destined to sacrifice myself for. It was like a two person cult (not counting the other women). His secretive ways were just that he was ‘complicated and misunderstood’. I spent the first six years living behind closed curtains as our relationship was kept a secret so that he could let his ex down gently because of her clinical depression and his sons autism (both of which I attribute to him) – he insisted she was dependant on him and would kill herself if she knew we were together and made me feel I would be responsible for a suicide, and how it would affect his son if I insisted on a normal relationship. This situation only ended because the ex got a private detective and found out that we were living together – guess what, she turned out to be an empowered woman who yes has problems with nerves but is far from suicidal (I have a lot of respect for her). We married but the cheating continued with various women – he would explain away proof, accusing me of being insane or paranoid and to this day denying it all (despite me having spoken to one of his exes having read texts between the two of them). I was cut off from family and friends – my only friends were his friends or women who were prospective threesomes and these friends I only ever saw with him, on his terms. I was tangled up in the lies he told his family about me to the extent that initially I had to introduce myself by a false name and was known by this name for over a year and even had than name mistakenly used (because it was the one that they were all used to) on my wedding day. I needn’t list the rest of the treatment as simply saying I was with a narcissist gives you an idea but I can admit that I self harmed and contemplated suicide often (once even attempted it). This all escalated to mental torture when he met a woman from another country. Our son was two years old and he went ahead to live in this other country to get work and secure a home for us (visiting us at home for a week every so often). I suspected but didn’t have the proof that he was infact living with another woman – I was right and he was building a life with her out there. Regardless, he moved his son and me out there with him, getting us an isolated home only to leave us alone while he continued a seperate life with the other woman (like I said I was severely controlled mentally – even more so by this point). This became worse over three years with promises of leaving her and then not doing it (‘because of her mental problems’ … see a pattern here?) and because, as an ex nazi, she was ‘a danger to my son and me’. For the whole duration of our 15 year relationship, I never spent Christmas with my family and so I begged to be able to spend Christmas with my father *who was dying of cancer* – the mess he put me in for attempting to go without his approval … I am surprised I came out of it mentally in tact. During that time I was often on the floor, literally drained of energy or will to live, catatonic sometimes – this is what he would do to me when I tried to leave. He would say that he was doing it for my own good – that he had always looked after me and kept a roof over my head, and our sons. He would defend everything he had done explaining it away as acts of compassion that he had done with good intentions. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to be held back from my father when he needed me – but I managed to get myself and my son on flights back home when my ex was on a trip with his other woman. I got to say good bye to my father and this was the turning point. I went to a womens shelter and left my ex but it was so, so hard and I had a lot of mental and emotional healing to go through. I was emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually raped for years. I am still recovering a year and a half after leaving him. Narcissistic is very real and very literal. Thank you for all you are doing to raise awareness and understanding.

  • louisa.mills3@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sarah
    July 24, 2013

    *typo – I meant to say that narcissistic abuse is very real and very literal.

  • c@thyhilton.co.uk'
    Cathy
    July 24, 2013

    I know this to be true, and I know that if I share this, as you request, some of the thousands of people still enthralled with my ex-husband would let me know I’m being bitter and I really should get over it. I’m not up for that but I often spot people going through similar experiences and I forward them your articles which provides routes out of hell. With thanks xx

  • earthdev.2048@gmail.com'
    Jyoti
    July 24, 2013

    Well done & said Melanie, this just about sums it up. I was a perfect target, still have to deal with the vulnerabilities that made me so attractive to my NPD ex, & recognise my own narcissistic traits from the descriptions, my ex partner took a vulnerable woman with 2 young kids & proceeded to tear my life apart he rendered me less & less capable of either escape or independent survival, addicted me to sex then started to withhold it, toyed with my feelings & my life like a cat with a mouse with no remorse whatsoever, as I started to break down & my behaviour became out of control, it made it so easy for him to point the finger of accusation at me without ever acknowledging what his contribution to the sick dynamic between us.In the last 8 months of our “relationship” I am firmly convinced that he was trying to drive me to suicide with his constant emotional abuse & at a few points during that time, very nearly succeeded. Thank heaven I met a counsellor who specialised in helping women to recover from abusive relationships, she suspected I was dealing with NPD & that was the turning point. Finally after nearly 1 year with no contact I can feel my self esteem & confidence in myself & my abilities flooding back into the depleted lifeless being I had allowed myself to become. Knowledge is power, lets all keep the ball that Melanie & Sam Vaknin & all others who are working to raise the profile on what astoundingly dangerous & amoral people narcissists really are.

  • earthdev.2048@gmail.com'
    Jyoti
    July 24, 2013

    Forgot to put, “lets keep this ball”……. Rolling !!

  • tootsie1007@Hotmail.com'
    Jackie
    July 24, 2013

    I am so glad I learned about NPD. I was beginning to think I was crazy. He was my knight in shining armor, we got engaged and moved in together, then the maddening abuse started. Found out about him cheating 6 months into the engagement 7 months after it started. Never snooped despite dozens of red flags because he’d spoken so poorly of people who cheat. He still doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong despite finally admitting to the cheating. It feels like a bad dream! I’m in my own place now and will be trying no contact. Thank you for the info!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Jackie,

      It is great you found out – and that is exactly what the purpose of this article is about..

      Because when we think of the people who DON’T find out…

      I shudder…

      Can we imagine how hard that would be – to have NO understanding, other than thinking you are going mad.

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • maureen.hughes@mailb.hse.ie'
    Maureen
    July 24, 2013

    This is a brillant article Melanie, you are the very saving of ME, MY MIND,MY LIFE, after 29 years with this Vampire I found you and after reading your articles immediately I began to recognise my dilema, The World must know, schools,youth programs and all educational institutions need to be brought on board to include this topic. I would love you to come to Ireland and get you to do some shows, meet agencies and educate this nation on this topic that is rampant and still very much under the carpet here. Thanks for all your help and giving me my life back after living with my vicious, evil N. Keep up the good work, Maureen with love

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Maureen,

      I am so glad you have been able to pull out, regain yourself and start to heal.

      I fully do see in the future travelling to help raise awareness. I would LOVE to come to Ireland one day!

      Mel xo

  • karenleigh2010@hotmail.com'
    karen
    July 24, 2013

    I am blown away by all of this but what amazes me most is that I keep thinking, despite my intelligence, these blogs, and what MY INNER GUT tells me, that somehow some way I still love the narcissist in my life ! I cannot understand this !/ It brings on self-hatred and confusion that I truly have never experienced until now. EVERYTHING that you have written describes the man I am having problems with! ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. And still, after a year of trying, I cannot seem to pull away and feel desperate. One of the problems is my belief that all people are worthy – I realize I don’t have to be involved with a person to wish them well, but I keep hoping this man will get better. I keep thinking “How can he be a non-entity, he has a beating heart, he is human” It is so hard to accept that people like this exist and that there is absolutely no hope. I am the type of faces issues, and often confronts truths within myself and yet with this man my denial is SO STRONG, and I can’t understand why. I don’t understand how I can still feel ‘love’ and longing for a person who did such terrible things to me. I was married before him for 16 yrs. My ex showed signs of narcissism yet I was so glad to finally be rid of him and never felt the way I feel about this man now, who came into my life immediately afterward. With this man, I feel such a ‘soul connection’ and deep inside I know it is BS, but I cannot seem to break free in my mind and it really frightens me. I know I should probably purchase Melanie’s programme. For now, I am using many other methods, because embarrassingly I have practiced meditation and practical applications of spirituality for many years. And here I am with this problem?! it has been very humbling. Melanie’s blogs have been very helpful and I am appreciative. Frankly I am somewhat suspicious of many online belief systems or ‘fix-it’ programs, but the other stories and Melanie’s sincerity have shined through. I pray and send good thoughts to all who have written here and hope we can all move on from what almost feels like demon possession at times and I am not one to even believe in such things as the ‘devil’ or ‘demons’ yet this condition – of ‘loving’ and being ‘attached’ to people who can act precisely as described above is akin to the insanity of a drug addict destroying themselves and we all need relief – God help us !

    • ejh7454@clearwire.net'
      EJ
      July 25, 2013

      Karen,
      Please, please read Melanie’s articles on peptide addiction. Your feelings of “love” are a real physiological addiction that is very, very difficult to overcome. Melanie’s program is the only way I know of to break off this incredibly insidious cycle.

      Yes, it may seem impossible that some “online fix-it program” could actually work, but anyone who has used the program will tell you the same thing. This is it. This works if you work it.

      I’m sure you’d give up all your love, money, and time to cure the N in your life. How about giving yourself the same consideration? Until you confront the truth about your own inner wounds, you will be caught up in unfulfilled (or worse) relationships. You don’t need the N. You need yourself. Get out of the drama that you have become addicted to so you can see that beautiful self once again.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      it isnt until you start working on yourself that you see that the ‘love illusion’ is trauma bonding and unhealed wounds from your past that are creating you as a match for Love = Abuse.

      When you do the inner work on yourself (which you can read about or listen to many people in this community who have done this) you will no longer feel the obsessions and hooks of ‘love’ for him.

      You will be freed from that, very clear and also will have achieved the ability to release this pattern within yourself once and for all.

      It all starts with healing you – it actually isn’t even about him…

      This is what personal growth, evolution and healing old patterns is all about..

      Narcissists rip these patterns up for us, and show them to us powerfully – but at the end of the day it is all about us healing ourself.

      You CAN grow and heal from this..and you were meant to – that is why it happened.

      Mel xo

      • borland330@btinternet.com'
        Jean Werge
        July 25, 2013

        Dear Mel

        I have your programme – which section would be most beneficial to me at this time.

        I saw him last night and got drunk – he had already passed out and I am totally ashamed but I threw out 2 pairs of shoes that belong to his other bit of stuff overboard – He had condoms in his bathroom cupboard – he travels on a houseboat and he has recently bought these in case he meets something dodgy upstream no doubt to protect himself -
        I have lots of anger obviously – I didn’t sleep with him and peeled off this morning and didn’t even kiss him goodbye which was easily done for some reason – It feels as if the blinkers have been taken off finally – I despise this man – You are incredible and you have saved me !!

        Thank you

        Jean

        • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
          Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 26, 2013

          Hi Jean,

          Firstly it’s going to be really important to adamantly decide that you are going to uphold No Contact.

          Then when the addiction to re-hook with him occurs, or he makes contact, then you have to resist caving in to the addiction and go to face the pain which is fuelling your addiction in a healing Module.

          For this intense pain – it is a Module One job. And you will need to do the shifting over and over again with your internal fear/ pain which is driving the addiction.

          Once you have released / transformed that – and it may only take a few days, then continue on with the Program and you will be out of the intense danger zone of re-hooking with him.

          But of course will still need to be really firm with yourself.

          This is the formula – pain, fear, addiction hits…then DON’T go into ‘blender brain’ trying to fight it…because the more you give your ego (fear / pain) energy the more it captures you, beats you up with every insecurity you have about yourself and usually tends to win. You need to detach and get to your healing modules ASAP.

          Then when you get the charge of the pain / fear / insecurity out of your body your brain will automatically switch and open up to new neuron pathways which do support your wholeness – which of course means having nothing to do with an abuser..

          Remember this formula “The brain goes where your body is”…this is why it is SO hard to try to think in healthier ways when painful emotions are coursing through our bodies…it is excruciating..

          Much easier to address the body – because this is where all of our emotions / thoughts / choices come from.

          So Module Number 1 it is.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

        • borland330@btinternet.com'
          Jean Werge
          August 14, 2013

          Dear Mel

          I cannot thank you enough for your advice. I will go onto Module 1 tonight and go over and over and over it. I also have read your article where you talked about going into relationships that are doomed to fail. I have tried to make this relationship work for four years folding myself into some kind of pretzel and now realise that this person is just evil in the way he has treated me. He takes out all his frustrations on me which I am afraid my father used to do – My mother was mentally ill and took her own life when I was 24 and so my father in my childhood would constantly belittle me and give me over the top hidings as well or he would tell me constantly that I reminded him of his mother who I learnt only the other day put him down constantly. I have one thing to ask and that is this: I constantly wonder if there is something in me that makes men behave aggressively towards me i.e. My dad in the first instance and now this jerk I have been involved with – My father idolised my mother and they seemed to have a very loving marriage and my brother younger than me was cossetted like a little golden boy and yet I was either insulted, belittled or ignored – Still don’t understand this at all – Would welcome your comments With fondest regards Jean xx

  • Wildgavin@mac.com'
    Gavin
    July 24, 2013

    Thank you Melanie for consolidating and clarifying the narcissistic personality disorder. This knowledge is so vital for myself and others who are yet to read this and find out the mechanisms of NPD’s in their life. I’m so amazed to read and remember only too well the 5 years of abuse and trauma I went through with the woman I thought was “the one”. Feigning friendship, sickness and intimacy just to get her narcissistic supply, while my mother was dyeing of cancer. And I thought mine was an isolated case of lies, cheating and stealing! It’s an epidemic and I support this work and hope people learn the ways of NPD’s and avoid like the plague. More important to recognise the authentic people in life and take that road always. Thank you.

  • lovejenniferlove@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    July 24, 2013

    Everything EVERYTHING EVERYTHING you say is true.

    I went from being an independent woman with my own company/home/life (et al) to someone I barely recognised.
    An emotional wreck – shorn of my home, job, all my money, savings, and worst of all my self esteem, my confidence, but still in the throes of a co-dependent addiction to this man that I ‘loved’ – all the way to my virtual self destruction. At one point I actually knelt in front of him naked and begged him – literally begged him to stop all that he was doing – such was the destruction in our lives.
    Who on earth was that woman? that crazy downtrodden person – (but still keeping up the public front to Oscar winning standards… )
    I now ask myself that question – I am horrified at the very thought of it and know KNOW KNOW – never ever again.

    But then I found Melanie. (Thank you God (or whoever)!!

    I compare what happened to me to a real life game of Snakes and Ladders where you land on the snake on square 98 – and slide all the way down to 2.

    At some point – at the very bottom of yourself – you start to realise – somewhere, somehow – enough is enough – i and believe me – there is a road out – to a whole new life, a new way of being, of thinking, of feeling, of understanding…of finding true happiness.
    That road is the MTE highway.. so get on it ( drag yourself onto it)… and learn how to go forward – I cant say you will never look back, nor falter, – but think of it as a yellow brick road – always visible – once you know it is there.

    Just do it. TODAY

    xxxxxxxxx

  • charmainebailey75@yahoo.com'
    charmaine
    July 24, 2013

    Every sentence describe my partner completely.
    I have developed Psorysis and was hospitilised for 6 weeks due to severity of desease. I am much better now after learning about narcissim about 4 months ago and reading all the blogs and emails. Thank you Melanie with all my heart for all the enlightment and time and effort you have put it to assist victims like myself. If i write any further it would be to many pages to give details of what i have been going through with this man. Thank you and i am positive and on my way to complete healing.

  • lovejenniferlove@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    July 24, 2013

    PS

    Jean Werge mentions sexual prowess…..
    ok here are some warning signs

    Sex feels wonderful to start with – you have never felt so dominated/wanted/taken (hah!!)

    Then…. you realise – quite quickly (but you never admit it – after all this man is your adored soul mate – you look at him and want to die you love him so much)

    But ….ultimately he simply does not want to please you at all… foreplay – double hah – well it’s more than counting 1,2,3, 4! – I said this one day … needless to say it made it worse.

    I told him how much i liked one particular thing – and he NEVER did it again.

    He stopped kissing me – properly deep passionate kissing – he would only use his lips to kiss me..
    Oral sex was a no no
    (not for him of course !
    In the end he could only climax by being behind me – and thrusting as though I could be split in two
    (which in reality I was… one half of me saying what the f*** are you doing allowing this to happen… hating myself – I mean really hating myself and the other – grateful (omg grateful!) that he was still there.
    I now realise that my N was a mysogynist through and through – all stemming from his relationship with his mother… but it is terrible to be with someone who does not like women – only wants to dominate and destroy them.
    My sexuality/my confidence was (is) severely affected – but I’m working on it – inside – where it matters most.

    • rivih@aol.com'
      Rhonda
      August 10, 2013

      Dear Jean

      I can relate to everything you say!! Sexually he could not care if i ever orgasm eventhough i have told him how to bring me to a climax. He doesnt care as long as his own needs are met. When you said he could only climax when he was behind you I nearly died.

      That is our sex life. to a tee!! he wants sex but his way only. does not care to please me.

      I believe he is behind the woman because he doesnt really love her so he doesnt need to climax seeing her face. She is faceless. She could be anyone.
      there is so much more I could write. i now am moving on my own and he is begging to come with me.

      He is NOT moving with me, but mentally torturing me and begging me.
      He is a menace to my life and makes it all about being my fault.

  • rati_nl@yahoo.com'
    Joanna
    July 24, 2013

    I am working myself into recovery from narcissistic abuse. I broke up 4 months ago and it was a bad break up but as it happened I had no idea that I was dealing with a narcissist. Thanks to Melanie Tonia Evans great wealth of knowledge on this topic, her NARP recovery program and the support of her community, I am not only healing my heart much faster than I thought possible, I am also able to understand what dysfunctional patterns are inside myself that attractes emotional unavailable partners into my life, culminating into the narcissistic abuse. I can highly recommend linking with Melanie, to learn more about this phenomena and dismantle the powerful cycle of abuse.

  • arlevy@rcn.com'
    Anne
    July 24, 2013

    How do you protect yourself when you have an underage child or children with a narcissist?

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Anne,

      please see an earlier blog article “How To Heal Our Children”, there is lots of information in that.

      It always starts with ‘us’ – ALWAYS regarding our children. When we heal, they heal – that is the absolute truth.

      Mel xo

    • psyche@iinet.net.au'
      Suzanne
      August 4, 2013

      Hello Anne. Having been with a N the first time around and found Melanie after the second,have learned a lot during my healing journey. During my first relationship, I remember thinking that I did not believe that people like my ex actually existed. I was so destroyed during that relationship, that I contemplated suicide or homicide and remember talking to one of the nurses at the psychiatric hospital where I was undergoing therapy. She reminded me that my baby needed me and that if I killed him, I would go to prison. I was that enraged, hurt and destroyed at the time. Over a period of approximately three years and many court appearances in the Family Court, after much therapy that actually focussed on healing the underlying pain and old patterns, I began to live a new life with my little girl. I began to understand that if I did the internal work, then she would simply follow along without all the destructive patterns that seem to be generational. I learned that I had to have no, or minimal contact with my ex and that worked. I became empowered and when my daughter would go on access visits, I used that time for self-nurture. From that time on, my life has been lived differently and has needed to focus on me and my child and living simply and self-nurturingly. Life was never lived in the old way again. My daughter has now grown up and is a beautiful young woman about to be married to a young man who loves her and treats her well. She is empowered and lives a wonderfully rich, independent life. I can see how the original work I did has benefited her. She may never understand what happened with me and her father, but I am happy to know that she is reaping the results of the inner work that I did way back then when she was a tiny baby and young child. I thought that I was free but within the last two years, another N was able to enter my life because there was more healing to do, about which I was really unaware. I am more fortunate than a lot of people because of the healing work that I had already experienced and was able to process a lot of feelings during the relationship and remain very present in that relationship. I used every situation to grow and confront the issues in myself as they arose and was no victim this time; this time, I could see the destruction, knew I had to get free and worked towards that! No matter how many boundaries I installed, he broke through them and I kept withdrawing further and further until there was nowhere to go. I terminated the relationship and found Melanie’s website and materials around the same time as I was terminating that relationship. It was destroying me in the same way as my last one did. The difference this time, was that I could see that there was more healing work to do and all he was doing was pointing me to where the work needed to go. He was a wonderful gift to me and I am thankful.Working the NARP programme along with regular kinesiology sessions has been life-saving and I am now free of a lot more patterns and am well on the way to becoming fully healed and am amazed about the way I am now setting new, strong boundaries and am seeing N behaviours easily and avoiding people who come into my life when I see these patterns in them. I am trusting my perceptions, speaking my truth and realising that what I need comes first. If you can possibly find a way to purchase the NARP programme and work it, it will help you to get free and also help your dependent children. I wish you love, peace and healing.

  • bubblingover@hotmail.com'
    kendra
    July 24, 2013

    8 years of marriage with a man who does these things on a regular, cyclical basis. I am always to blame for things and he uses fabricated or totally irrational excuses or accusations to create smoke and mirrors so we actually cant talk about the matter at hand. He spends hours lecturing me and making things so complicated that I cannot think straight anymore and I shut up and get lost in the chaos of his feeling and thinking. I dont dare say anything in these lectures because he says I am interrupting him and he gets irate. He has a sophisticated diatribe of who I am, what my past was, and what my issues are – yet he is wrong about the facts and assessments and about my own soul and personality. He can convince anyone that I am a mess. Therapists that I have gone to try to show me my faults and give me things to do and not do, say and not say that will fix things and change the way he (dys)functions. Nothing ever works. In fact, for me, that is the crux: I can never change the dysfunction in him and in our relationship by doing/saying the right thing. Nothing ever satisfies or works. I walk on eggshells around him all the time, unable to help him, love him, prevent angry outbursts, ease his frustration, curb his craziness, change his thinking, encourage his feelings, heal his wounds, keep him accountable, satiate his appetites, etc. Don’t even get me started with what its like trying to parent with him! He is literally proud of and staunch about his ideas of how to treat the children and these ideas are highly inappropriate and ineffective. I also cannot trust him with anything as he doesn’t seem to care about responsibility, deadlines, other peoples money or property, finishing things, cleanliness and organization, doing things well, playing by the rules. He love-bombed me in the beginning and was on his best behaviour. He was convinced that he loved me from early on and that I was “the one.” It took time to wear me down, but his love and support and friendship over two years convinced me to love him back and marry him. By the end of the honeymoon I was starting to get belittled and to see his rampant issues with frustration. It has been a slope towards hell ever since. Interspersed with weeks here and there that seem more normal and happy; thus, the cycle continues and I stay and get yo-yoed around by the craziness and by my own hope, investment of efforts, grace and forgiveness, and “Christian vows.”

  • robinbegin@hotmail.com'
    Robin
    July 24, 2013

    No one can possibly understand or even fathom what it is like dealing with a narc unless they have experienced it first hand. I thought I was going insane when I began uncovering all of his lies and deceit, and confronting him on them..The mind games, projection, gas lighting and smear campaigns began in earnest, and worsened by the day. The isolation and unrelenting attacks on my whole being, the lies and destruction, were things I could not mesh with any human reality I had ever experienced before, thus doubted my own reality. No accountability on his part, only blame, and destruction. Began researching narcissism, read everything I could on it..This was HIM, and it was the only thing that explained his abhorrent behaviour. It was the only thing that fit, and it fit him to a tee. He has every single one of the traits, and in light of what I now know, realize he has a very extensive history of destruction in his wake, with others. Red flags were there, I now realize, but I ignored them. By the time I realized what I was dealing with, I was isolated, he had divested me of a signifigant amount of money through lies and deceit, was far from home, and my entire soul was ripped to pieces. He knew he was undeniably caught, so then came the complete discard and abandonment all while seeking out new female supply.
    Exposure and being shamed, and unmasked is a narc’s worst fear and they will maliciously and relentlessly destroy anyone who is onto them…That these monsters walk the earth, always alert to new victims, and that there are so many of them, is frightening.

  • gannina12@gmail.com'
    Janet
    July 24, 2013

    Dear Melanie,

    Thank you so much for such an insightful write-up. I have been following your advice for some time now – you are a god send.

    Now that I have created my own facebook secret group to raise awareness on abuse and support survivors of abuse, I promise to spread your material with as many people as I can.

    Please feel free to post material, like, share and comment on other posts in my group too. It would be an honour to have you on board.

    In case you, and anyone else reading this message, are interested, this link should direct you to my SAP (Soar Above Pain)group:

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/soarabovepain/

    Thanks and best wishes,

    Janet

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Janet,

      thank you so much for your support – and I would love to become involved with you initiative.

      Could you please email me at info@melanietoniaevans.com – so that we can set up for me to be invited in – I cant access your secret group through the link.

      Mel xo

  • Wendysimpson@me.com'
    Wendy
    July 24, 2013

    I had a relationship with an altruistic narcissist who was adorable and charming to those on the outside, while making my life a living hell. I couldn’t understand how a man who was seemingly loved by the community (and had professed his undying love and commitment to me) could be so cruel, turning my friends against me for no reason. I went from being independent and confident to questioning my sanity and plotting to end my life, because nobody believed that this “amazing” man was truly capable of the horrors he inflicted. Melanie’s knowledge of NPD is far more throrough and insightful than anything else available. The behaviors she describes are all spot on.

  • krissykat12@hotmail.com'
    Kristina Taylor
    July 24, 2013

    I didn’t realise how right I was when I called my ex a narcisstic bully 6 months ago (together two years on and off after numerous devalue & discards), but when I looked it up, it was so accurate! The full on intense attention in the beginning, then the criticisms,sly comments, no accountability, the blame/projection, until it takes your own soul…emotional vampires! Melanie’s NARP programme helps you to realise why you are attracted to these people in the first place and learn how to get your life back and receive all the love you actually deserve. Thank you Melanie for highlighting this traumatic personality disorder that affects so many people in the most soul destroying way. Still on the road to recovery, but can see the light xx

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Kristina,

      what you have stated as ‘why you are attracted to these people in the first place’..is absolutely key.

      We never have the power to change anyone else (and of course that is impossible ESPECIALLY with a narcissist) – we only ever have the power to change ourselves – and that is where our true power is – inside us..

      Thank you for your post and you are very welcome Kristina.

      Mel xo

  • touchingthetrees@gmail.com'
    Louise
    July 24, 2013

    I was married for 20 years to someone like this and have three kids. The worst of it has come after the separation four years ago. We are now divorced and every year brings MORE abuse, not less. This article is a beacon to anyone going through this. I was blown away that there are so many others and our stories are all basically the same. It’s both eerie and extremely validating.

    I’ve wanted to tell him “I was the last one to have faith that you’d do the right thing.” But I know he won’t care. In fact, people like this get off on keeping you hooked so they can get narcissistic supply–your attention, your emotional responses, and your destruction.

    We are kind, compassionate souls who give without taking, which is how we get “collected” by narcs. It’s a compliment and also what they hate most about us–our goodness.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Louise,

      being a ‘good person’ without boundaries and the ability to know that our source of ‘being’ and ‘life’ is not reliant on another person (because it IS our own job) – means that we can be co-dependently subject to being abused.

      Its like a vegetarian thinking you won’t be eaten by a carnivore.

      Mel xo

  • kimfurd@hotmail.com'
    Kim
    July 24, 2013

    I have believed for years that my ex-husband suffers from some type of mental illness. When I discovered this site and its information, I was BLOWN AWAY by the accuracy of the definition of naccissim and how well it defined my ex. I was severely co-dependant and am doing the hard work of healing to recover. I still believe there are severe tramatic issues at the heart of my ex-husbands problems, but his montrous pride will never let his admit that. He developed a porn addiction to get his emotional supply and that is what ended our 23 year marriage. He is still wandering lost in an emotional dessert. I am healing and becomming emotionally healthy.

  • katherineross78@ymail.com'
    Kate
    July 24, 2013

    Its real, my Narcissus near killed me twice. The first time a beating for around an hour and finished with chocking me till I collapsed on the ground, I remember having a out of body experience, then came to. The damage was done – I knew he had damaged me so stayed (thinking I was no good to any one else) it was now his job to love me like I STILL believed he did (crazy) to fix me again. SEVEN years later many breakdowns, discarded often, other women, smear campaigns. & basically as. NPD description & behavior another trip to the hospital, this time smashed my head open because I was questioning him about another woman who had joined him in his smear campaigns against me & who was fighting hard for him, so from this questioning he created an imaginary man I had in his home and I was punished for it. I once again was terrifyed and screaming for my life and “someone he,s trying to kill me”. A year after that he had managed to trick me STILL and declared his love even bigger than before for me so I was driving to his that night and got the call which I had gotten before! I’d been discarded I was not allowed to go to his house that night no matter what the reason, oh because he had to be a saviour to a “friend” that had been kicked out from her house. It was the girl that had been fighting for him the past 6 of these yrs. She had also had a relationship with him & also believed he was her “the one”. Something just clicked in me I,d had enough I was finished with all this. That was 7mths ago. I have met with him a couple times since and it seemed to me he had become worse (sicker) so my faded hopes were just that and for some reason I dont know why? I know I dont & never can love him & if anything I have hate for him & I think that’s sad (feelings of hate only attract hate). So now I am left to work the rest out on my own, get back my confidence, self esteem, my life. Thankyou for reading my story, God bless & love to all xo.

  • borland330@btinternet.com'
    Jean Werge
    July 24, 2013

    In reply to Jennifer’s comment about sexual prowess – Jennifer this is exactly what I am going through and he uses the same technique taking me from behind (not anal) but I feel faceless. My question is this – Is this just me he behaves like this with or all the others? I have lots of self doubt here by posing this question I know – would welcome feedback

  • ljeanhaskins@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    July 24, 2013

    Melanie, the information on your website was an integral piece to my intial awareness, subsequent escape, and my journey to recovery. I was married to a malignant narcissist for 18 years and edured years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. I thought I was going crazy. I completely lost who I was as a person and felt like I was walking on egg shells to avoid conflict. Thanks for all you have done to support the community of people who are striving to release themselves from the grip and draw of a narcissist.

  • info@hpeople.com'
    Dave
    July 24, 2013

    yes the world needs to know. I am waking up at 51 to a lifetime of abuse from my malignant narrcisst mother, alcoholic father and a golden child older sister and a mascot younger brother. the impact this abuse has had on my life has been devastatig. it has tainted almost everything. it is and has been painful but as I stay in my emotiomal soul, pain is slowly replaced with Joy.
    its never too late to wake up. its the only choice. I have been no contact since easter this year. the nightmares have lessened and I am so hopefull. I will not let them win. the best revenge is to live the rest of my life with courage serenity and joy without them.

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    July 24, 2013

    Everything that Mel is sharing here is true. In my own life, I found that I was becoming sadder, more and more disappointed and incredibly confused. All the things that Mel has shared that N do, were being done by my ex-boyfriend. I was happy before I met him and over the year and a half that we were together, I began to feel more and more tired, more and more confused, disappointed and sad. I realised that I was continually giving to him with little or no reciprocity except at the beginning of the relationship. He would always sabotage outings and things he said he would do that would benefit me, even though he had agreed to them. He would tell many lies; some of them extremely stupid e.g. said that his new credit card belonged to a friend and was not his. When I pointed out that it was his name on the card, he was speechless. There were many more instances of lying so I could not tell the difference between his truth and his lies. The positive thing about removing myself and going No Contact with this relationship is that it caused me to seek help from a kinesiologist and also to access Mel’s Quanta Freedom Healing programme. These have been wonderful and I am now in a much better emotional and spiritual space. I have been NC with my ex-boyfriend for over 3 months now and something interesting happened last weekend. Over time, it is easy to find that the bad memories fade. I remember the many awful things that he did and for which he was not accountable and make sure that I read my journal when I am feeling nostalgic or missing him. That always brings me up sharply and reminds me in black and white of how bad it actually was. I happened to be in a dance class with him last weekend and we connected. I was pleased to see him and realised that the old chemistry and attraction was still there on some level. We chatted after class and I shared with him about several things that had hurt me that he had done. He appeared to have no knowledge of any of these things. By some very uncanny co-incidence he had asked me to look after his Gibson Les Paul guitar when he moved house. I have kept it as collateral to pay for the damage he inflicted in my home and for which he took no responsibility. At this most recent meeting, I realised that I was seeing him with new, more alert eyes and also realised that there was still some attraction present (more healing work to do because his charming persona was out in force). I agreed to drive him to the nearest train station since it was on my way and we chatted. He told me that he wants us to be together again and that he loves me and when he gets a job, he wants us to get married. I listened incredibly attentively. He wanted very much to be allowed to come to my home. My response was to tell him why he could not come; he had stolen my jewellery and I had found it before he could take it and sell it. He caused damage to parts of my property. He wanted to use the space without paying for the use of things like washing machine, utilities and food. I suggested (tongue-in-cheek) that I visit him at his new house where he is sharing, rather than him come to my home. His response was to allow a brief look of shock appear on his face. It is more than possible that he is living in a home owned by a woman who is contributing to his upkeep and supporting him. He also wanted to resume our sexual relationship there and then. So, while I could feel the pull of the attraction, I realised that my real need was to drop him off and RUN! I had all the information I needed. He was hoovering and wanting narcissistic supply. So why was I able to listen carefully, drop him off and leave him this time when I never could before? His behaviour has not changed and I realised the clues and red flags before getting caught. I have learned to live in my integrity and to not accept crumbs. I have learned that he is likely to be lying every time he speaks and that there is likely to be one or more women at his disposal about which he will lie. The thing that protects me now is knowing that I deserve a whole lot better and will not compromise my own behaviour. I can now SET AND MAINTAIN STRONG BOUNDARIES! I have done a lot of healing work and am in a different energetic space and my life has changed greatly since I terminated the relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I have realised that I need to be the love, the acceptance, the support, the safety, the care and attention and security I need rather than look to anything or anyone on the outside of me to supply it. So, I am still in the process of healing and the next day or so brought a lot of sadness and tears and the realisation that what I had with him was a fantasy that he would have changed and become the man I would love to share my life with, if only … So, there is more grief to express, and more letting go to do. I am proud that I was able to leave him at the station and not succumb to his false promises and within days, go through yet another awful grief cycle that never ends. It is possible that I will not see him for another 3 months and because we mix in the same world of dance, highly likely that we will see each other every few weeks. He will not keep the promises he made the other night. Interestingly, when I shared that he could not come back to my home and I would not be resuming our relationship, the boundary was in place and he knew that I would not be swayed. I am sure that my energetic vibration has lifted and is no longer a match for his. So, I am writing this post because I am sure that had I not broken away, he would have continued to destroy me and I was feeling as if my life was beginning to fall apart. My life, 3 months on is going very well. I feel joyous and happy. My home is feeling loved and well cared for and my life is in balance. I am energetic and peaceful, and only allow those things and people into my life who are nurturing and with whom I feel safe. There is still more healing work to do, but I am more whole and healed than ever. I highly recommend Mel’s Quanta Freedom Healing programme and if you feel that you have been affected by a N, there is light at the end of the tunnel if you are able to heal and get free of the destructive patterns that allowed the N into your life in the first place. A N will never change and will continually promise you the world and will not deliver. You, however, can heal and have a wonderful and joyous life of freedom and contentment.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      July 25, 2013

      Suzanne,

      I am so inspired by your story. I have not yet left my narcissist due to isolation and financial dependence, but I am moving purposefully in that direction and your victory over his charm was good to hear. I think women are a game to them and destroying strong women makes them feel something they need. I watch now as my BF goes after narcissistice supply and it has ceased to make me feel insecure or jealous. I just see it for what it is: greed and need.

      • psyche@iinet.net.au'
        Suzanne
        August 4, 2013

        Hello Laura. Sometimes it takes time to get to the point where we value ourselves and nurture ourselves enough to be able to realise that we are the lovers and protectors of ourselves. It is not anyone else’s job. It appears that your task is to work towards becoming less isolated, building a wonderful life of your own independent of the N and learning how to become financially independent. When I read your comment about the N destroying strong women, I am reminded that this is not their intention at all. They are only interested in supply. They have no other thoughts than their own survival. The reason that a lot of the women who get caught with them is that they are strong women who think they can overcome the N in their lives as they have tackled and successfully overcome many other obstacles. The N is not an obstacle to overcome. What is essential to realise is that the N is like the canary in the coalmine.He or she appears in our lives very destructively to point us in the direction of the healing that needs to take place in us. That is the whole purpose of our relationships with them. They are never likely to change but we can. If you can afford to get the NARP programme and work it, it will facilitate your healing and you will never look back. All the best on your healing journey.

  • Emmasteele_perkns@hotmail.com'
    Em
    July 24, 2013

    Melanie, I am so grateful to you. I echo all of the above sentiments and experiences. The father of my child went to such extremes to create a false self that he made out that he was an ex professional rugby player, rodeo rider and boxer. He claimed that a rodeo riding accident had left him infertile…he knew that he had got a girl pregnant before me with the same lie; he just had a penchant for unprotected sex. Upon announcing my pregnancy, he did all he could to manipulate me and emotionally abuse me into having an abortion. He denied the baby was his, and apparently there were multiple possible fathers!
    My memory of the 14 months with him is vivid but also blank – a strange place to be in. I contacted as many of his women as I could to tell them about the real D.S.M. I was stunned by how many beautiful, intelligent and independent women he had stolen from, abused and lied to.
    I didn’t want to believe the truth about him, for a long time I believed I could fix him. Then I took a step back and read all his messages with the words gas lighting and projecting banging around my head, and the light went on and I saw the real monster. Life is a game to these people, they have no self worth, items on your kitchen counter will mean more to them that your soul ever will.
    But, as a survivor, I now know I have one of the strongest gut instincts ever, and that when it screams at you listen! I never thought I’d say this but I am grateful I met my narc, I am stronger, wiser and my soul is free. For once I am happy in my own skin, being alone is not frightening and to anyone reading this get out, run, get your soul back before you are destroyed, because they don’t care, and they never will.

  • brennankate20@gmail.com'
    Kate
    July 24, 2013

    I found Melanie’s website days after my husband left me and believe it saved my life, or at the very least, helped me survive the initial devastation. He left the day after our youngest child turned 1. We also have 2 older children, both with special needs/conditions. I know he has this disorder, but can’t bring myself to let go – of the hope, the dream, what it means for our beautiful kids if I do no contact, what it means for me. Abandonment is my number 1 issue/insecurity and my worst fear has become my reality. He is saying he might come back, but not til the end of the year, if ever. I’ve been really strong at times, and falling apart at other times – my kids keep me going as they need me to be healthy, strong and present. I’m embarrassed and ashamed because even though I know I’ve been very strong to survive a 12 year marriage with him, I don’t feel like I’m being strong enough, because I’m so afraid of being the one who finally ends the marriage. So many people think he’s the nicest, most generous, easygoing guy you could ever meet – but slowly I’m learning that so long as I know the truth about what has really gone on, that’s enough- I can’t keep living my life in the fear of other’s disapproval. Along with Melanie’s info/website etc, the thing I keep saying to myself when I feel like I’m losing my sanity when trying to deal with him is “I know my own truth”. Even if no-one else on this planet ever knows what he’s really like, I know and God knows( or whatever name u have for spiritual wisdom and unconditional love), and that has helped me get back I touch with myself, the real Kate, and has literally kept me alive and sane during some very scary moments.I know I’m getting closer to taking the big step of actually looking at Melanie’s program ( which i purchased months ago but havent wanted to go there!) because what I’ve read so far, over the past 5 months, has made so much sense of the nightmare of feeling so alone in a marriage that I literally gave my whole self to. Thankyou Melanie for continuing to send emails, blogs etc. Your message and your work are literally life-saving. Sending strength to everyone still caught in the hooks xxx

    • psyche@iinet.net.au'
      Suzanne
      August 4, 2013

      Hi Kate. I really feel for you in your situation with being alone with young children after the fall-out from a N relationship. You have 3 children. I had one baby when I left and I felt devastated. There was no Melanie back then and fortunately I was able to become part of a therapeutic healing community that encouraged patients to feel and stay present with feelings of the inner child. Sometimes, this required staying present with the awful feeling for up to three weeks and sometimes the only light that was present was one just in front of my feet. It was a very frightening and demanding time feeling all these feelings that had been trapped since they emerged in my childhood. I relate to your feelings of abandonment. That was a huge one for me for many reasons. Might I say to you that until you heal that wound, it will continue to leave a doorway into your soul for another N to enter. For me, the abandonment was so severe that whenever my doctor would leave to go on holidays, I would regress to being unable to function until he returned. I learned then on a very deep level about how important it is for babies to feel deeply connected to their primary cargiver. The caregiver provides the container in which the baby can feel safe and protected while she goes out into the world and explores it without fear. I am fortunate because I learned to stay with my inner child and whenever she felt abandoned, I used that time to learn what she needed and to meet her needs. Truly, it is our job as adults to be the ones who are the protectors, safety and lovers of our inner children. All the N does is shows us where the wound is so we can take responsibility for it and heal it. Then we can set and maintain strong protective boundaries so that N can never again access our souls to mine and destroy. I do hope that you will commit enough to your growth to start implementing Mel’s programme. Just be aware that what you do not heal in you will impact on your children to be carried through to the next generation. Since I did the original work in therapy, this enabled my own daughter to grow into a beautiful young, empowered woman who is now marrying a lovely young man who loves her. She has her own fulfilled life that is joined with his, but is her own. Had I not done the original work, she would have had a lot of healing to do that is generational. I discovered that there was more healing to do when I got involved with another N about 2 years ago. I was much more conscious in this relationship, although it was still destructive. I used all the situations that came, to work with to heal the issues that came up through being with him. I also used the NARP programme and worked, and am still working with a kinesiologist to root out and heal the remaining old patterns that got me hooked. Love, peace and healing to you and your children.

  • rachel.long45@yahoo.co.uk'
    Rachel Long
    July 24, 2013

    Hello everyone, after 2 marriages to narcs spanning nearly 20 years, I AM FREE. Thank you Melanie for you determined commitment to educate and release victims, guiding us to true healing and empowerment. I’ve just emailed this entire document to a case worker in the Womens Aid where I received help after my 2nd husband assaulted me. They were incredibly helpful, but had no real knowledge of narcissism and didn’t believe me when I kept telling them he was. It is vital for this information to be made public knowledge.

  • Thea_7777@hotmail.com'
    Thea K
    July 24, 2013

    Your article is awesome. It is hearing these stories and comments that arise from them that help me so much!

    After being discarded (again) about 5 weeks ago, I still feel agony over it. And “logically” I don’t even like the guy! I knew he was a narcissist for about two years (being involved with him about 3.5 years) after he first discarded me for a woman in my social circle (who then trashed me to everyone and I lost my social circle!) and found Dr. Sam.

    So many of the pieces fit. The value and discard scenario – over and over. The cheating and lies. The total lack of empathy. The casual put down of almost EVERYONE he came in contact with (it was so casual and subtle that it was hard to catch and believe!). Whenever I asked for something it never happened.

    At one time we broke up for 8 months and I got involved with another man who was not really someone that I was into, but I was trying to “move on” I guess… and I remember how nice he was to me, how he would do things that I just couldn’t put into perspective on what was normal treatment anymore. And I left him to go back to the N!!!!

    These people are sick and dangerous and I feel as if he made an enemy out of my own head that battles itself every day to remain in no contact. Abuse from the N is unlike anything else. Malicious, sneaky, devious. When you are in the middle of it, trying to pinpoint what is going on is like trying to nail jello to the wall…

    I appreciate the information and knowledge to keep going forward and HEAL!

  • katherineross78@ymail.com'
    Kate
    July 24, 2013

    Jean – my belief is that they will do what ever they know will cause an effect to hurt. So with others ur N will do the same act if he knows it will create hurt/pain. Hope this helps. Try not to think its personal any act he does, after all, its always always about him feeling superior & power. Basically if he can make others feel bad with this same act he will use it. Thankyou Melanie ur godsent xo

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    July 24, 2013

    I’d second all of that – and I’d add one symptom. This happened to me, and I’ve read that it’s common with narcissists. One night, early in the relationship, I noticed him staring at me – a really long, wide-eyed, unblinking stare. It was weird, and I said so. He just said mildly, “I like looking at you”, but he didn’t stop.
    If that ever happened to me again, I’d know what to do. Leave. Quit. Get out.
    I don’t know why he did that, what he was doing or thinking, but in hindsight, I reckon THAT was the moment he really “fixed” me as his target.

    Another thing I learnt from the narcissist: when you step into a new relationship, or friendship or workplace, I reckon you learn as much about other people by keeping an eye on your self as by watching them. My Achilles heel is anxiety and, nowadays, if I feel my anxiety level rise and stay up without an obvious cause, then I “know” that someone around me is not very rational. It works for me!

    • sammylaredo@gmail.com'
      Lydia
      July 25, 2013

      OH MY GOD. I have never heard anyone else say that, but that also happened with my and my narcissist. Like, this gaze exactly how you described. It had never ever occurred to me – but now that you speak on it, I realize it usually happened in very emotionally vulnerable or “bonding” moments. Wow.

      Also, what you say about keeping an eye on yourself, I have found that to be true and very helpful, too.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Lucy,

      Very interesting.

      Yes totally relate to ‘that look’.. both narcs eerily did it – and it felt INCREDIBLY uncomfortable.

      I have never experienced ‘that look’ in any other relationship.

      Mel xo

    • psyche@iinet.net.au'
      Suzanne
      August 4, 2013

      Well now, come to think of it, that happened for me as well. The looks that came after, and I have some of them on photographs, show the contempt. Those looks always felt like I was a cockroach that he wanted to squash! The early look was not so, but there, as you say. The other thing that I found interesting was specific turns of phrase. When my ex-boyfriend had decided that I was his new supply, he asked me ‘Can I be your boyfriend?’ and ‘Can I live with you?’, and later, ‘Can I be your husband?’ I wondered why that felt so weird! Reason is, I have worked out is that it should have one like this – ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’Will you come and live with me?’ and “Will you marry me?’ Just shows his level of neediness and my lack of wisdom at the time. Thanks for the new insight that I hadn’t considered before.

  • Margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    July 25, 2013

    Dear Melanie,
    Every word in your article is spot on, including what a big misconception about narcissism there is in the world. I’ve recently came across an article in the TIME magazine that talked about how the new generation of teenagers and 20yrs olds are narcissists. The author completely misunderstood what is narcissism and his article appeared in one of the most notable publications in the United States. Ill forward this article to your email. This article appeared in the may 2013 issue of TIME and is titled: “The me me me generation. Millennials are lazy, entitled narcissits who still live with their parents. Why they will save us.” As someone who has been involved with a narcissist, I was shoked to read how such a reputable magazine published an article without really understanding what narcissim is. Thank you for spreading the word and exposing narcissism for what it is.

  • sammylaredo@gmail.com'
    Lydia
    July 25, 2013

    I just wanted to take a moment like Melanie asked to speak to the folks who may be coming to this article still in doubt, unsure, or feeling alone. You have come to this and read this far for a reason, and you should feel free to trust whatever your deep feelings and intuitions have told you up to this point, and what they may be telling you now. The thing that resonates the most (although it all sounds tragically familiar) from this article is the “red flags.” If you have seen any of these, felt that something was “not right”, had a deep but maybe inarticulable feeling about your safety, you can just stop there! No need to even scrutinize the rest of the information because you have your answer. You just need to listen to yourself. Of course…still…read the rest of the information:)

    Also, Melanie’s suggestion of posting links to news articles, blogs, etc. is a really good one. It’s true – after knowing what you’re looking for, you can actually *see* it. And it’s all over.

    On a personal note, Melanie, thank you so much for your work. I came to you at just the right moment, mostly by chance, and it has made so much difference in my life. Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for this work.

  • louisesherwood8@gmail.com'
    louise
    July 25, 2013

    Hurts to read and relate so very much.

  • robert.scott124@gmail.com'
    Rob
    July 25, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for the work that you do. It has really helped me in my recovery. Your lists are thorough. My recovery only started when I was able to identify the type of person I was with and the realization that there was no hope for recovery for them that I started to heal. The sooner I moved on the better. It is 8 years since I started the process to move on. Unfortuantely, I have 4 children with the Narcissist and each one has been systematically ailenated from me. Still today after all this time she tries to get supply from me through the children. For me now the pain is very distant and I feel that I have been able to insulate my emotional self from further abuse. But from time to time she still gets me. My children are smart and see that a the problem exists with their mother and their journey to recovery begins. What keeps me going is the knowledge that children are children for only a short time yet they are adults for a very long time. As they are entering their 20′s I am able to start a new relationship with them that I am finding very rewarding. I have a new wife who understands the situation because she too is a victim of NPD, so we can help each other. I have rebuilt my career and I have never been happier. I would be very interested in your research for helping children of NPD.
    Again Thank you,
    Rob

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Rob,

      you are very welcome.

      That is an integral part of recovery, accepting that this person is not going to change – and actually can’t. The True Self is far too damaged, and emotionally the narcissist is incapable of letting go of the ‘buffer’ – the False Self (ego). By doing so the narcissist ‘knows’ there are no resources to deal with his or her internal anguish.

      Please go back through my articles and read ‘How To Heal Our Children” – that article is the basis of my beliefs regarding childten of NPD and how to help them.

      Mel xo

  • c.krogman@hotmail.com'
    Hazel
    July 25, 2013

    Thank you AGAIN, Melanie, your posts keep me going! I have recently come to realize that I am married to a narcissist (together for almost 19 years) and I am still struggling with this awareness. I am getting better at not getting “hoovered” back in and I am preparing to leave, but I need to get my stuff in order for my children’s sake. Once I have stopped responding to his outlandish behaviour, he has started getting his attention from our daughter. This scares the crap out of me. He disgusts me on all levels. Nobody can understand this until they have been there. I entered this relationship happy, carefree, full of dreams…then I was slowly and meticulously reduced to almost nothing. Just when I would start to think he maybe understood or was having a revelation, I was blown away once again by his audacity, rudeness, cruelness and evil (which was followed by “I love you and I support you?”) Total BS. I am so sick of the two faced a**hole, putting on a show for others all the time (I’m such a good Daddy, look at me…the same guy who snaps and yells at his kids and wife ALL THE TIME for the smallest things, lies to us etc). He just lives his own life and keeps us around as bonus points. “Look, I have the perfect family, too, even though I do nothing to help raise my kids or maintain a household.” He shows up when it’s convenient for him, even if we have plans for the day.

  • c.krogman@hotmail.com'
    Hazel
    July 25, 2013

    Got carried away and hit enter. Anyways, I always had that feeling that something was not right with him and our relationship…but I always thought that if I did “this” or “that”, it would work out. Little did I know, “this” or “that” changed all the time, just another downward spiral. The goalposts change all of the time. GET OUT IF IT DOES NOT FEEL RIGHT!!!!!!! LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!!!!!! I am still planning my escape. It is probably NOT going to be a fun battle ahead of me, but I am looking forward to it.

    • sathornton@verizon.net'
      Brooke
      July 26, 2013

      Hazel,
      I have been married to a narcissit for almost 17 years and been with him for 22 years. I thought it was me for the longest time until 4 years ago when he ramped up his abuse. He is an alcoholic and drug addict. He is always telling me that he is going to change and I am his soul mate. He cheated on me 8 months ago. When I found out about the affair I started researching Narcissim and found Melanie’s site. I have been doing the Quanta Freedom healings and it it helping. I am still working on being one with myself and only looking to myself for happiness. I wish you all luck!

  • aquua@me.com'
    Irene Madrid
    July 25, 2013

    I have been a teacher all my life and I have been sharing what I have learned about narcissism to any and everyone who will listen. Right now I am working with attorneys to fight the X husband NPD from taking my half of the family business away. I have made sure they thoroughly understand what NPD is and is not.

    Thank goodness more and more web sites like Melanie’s, excellent books and even UTube videos are becoming more mainstream.

    The only way to create change is to keep talking to people and refer them to web sites such as this one.

  • holly.cole@dhhs.nc.gov'
    Holly
    July 25, 2013

    I was married to a psychologist for 19 years
    who also conducted domestic violence groups for court ordered men to complete. This man knew how to pull all the strings and totally devasted me to the point that I felt like I was loosing my mind and would probably die of a heart attack. When I recently left him I started searching “pathological jealousy and emotional abuse” on the internet and found Melanie’s site. Her site along with counseling has totally changed my life. I knew something was wrong but had no idea that this was emotional abuse and I am a reasonably intelligent woman. Reading the information on this site from Melanie and others was my life on display. How could this be…you don’t know me? It’s because we all have one thing in common and it is this crazy narcissist. I liken the emails and blogs to a daily dose of medicine that I need to take on a regular basis. Thank you so much for what you are doing for all of us.

  • nadinebernacki@yahoo.ca'
    Nadine
    July 25, 2013

    Shared! I hope this helps spread the word and helps to stop/prevent narcissistic abuse.

  • ctorranc@hotmail.com'
    Cheryl
    July 25, 2013

    Thank you for all the amazing work you do in informing everyone Melanie.

    It is now 6 months since I left the narcissist I was with after an 8 month period and I too experienced a lot of what you wrote about.

    The feeling of thinking I had somethig special with this person, the pain of being ignored and shouted at and still going back for more. I tried so hard to help this person turn their life around and my own life, health and self esteem suffered as a result. I ended up exhausted and abused with nothing left to give.

    After finding your website and reading up intensively I started to see what I had been going through. I realized I was really scared of this man as his anger and rage was more explosive on each occasion.

    When I finally plucked up the courage to end it, I was met with an understanding email and then within less than one minute the raging abuse started by phone and email. To say I was terrified was an understatement. I woke up in the early hours with a knot in my stomach that I knew was fear, fear that he may come to my house.

    The warning signs were there from day 1, but I chose to ignore them, at my peril!! I didnt love myself enough and was looking for this outside of myself, with weak boundaries I was easy pickings for this Narc.

    Luckily I had the strength to follow my gut and get out with the support of family and friends. My gut was telling me never to go to his house again and be on my own with him as I was seriously puttimg myself in danger.

    Once I had finished it, he still tried to charm me and I could feel myself at a cross roads of going back which would have been so easy or moving on. I knew that if I went back I would be letting all those people down who had supported me, but more importantly I would be letting myself down. I couldnt even begin to imagine what state I would be in, in 6 months time if I had gone back, I just couldnt do that to myself, even though it was hard. I was a shell of myself by then.

    So now, I have taken 6 months to lick my wounds and heal and to read as much as I can to know what the warning signs are and if I ever come across these traits in a person again, to get the hell out of the situation pronto.

    I agree the more people who know about this the better. I used to work in matrimonial law and I agree it is rife.

    Wishing all the Beautiful people who have suffered at the hands of a Narc, a good recovery. There is life afterwards and we all deserve so much more, to live a happy life where we are loved and appreciated.

    Blessings & Love to you all

  • Reggie_5555@yahoo.com'
    Reggie
    July 25, 2013

    This is great and well written. You are “Spot” on with the behavior. I truely hope you “out” them all. I am 54 and was in a 27 year marriage with one. Two years divorced and no contact. We have a daughter together (14 years old at the time of the divorce), she seems to be dealing with it well. I got full custoday with no child support to avoid the court room battle with him. Your web site and emails have been eye opening as I searched for the answers and peace. Thank You! Rock on! Keep charging ahead. People don’t know. The behavior is so twisted, it is hard to put your finger on what is wrong. This helps a lot.

  • grollalion@yahoo.com'
    Laura G
    July 25, 2013

    Melanie,

    My father is a narcissist and has done great damage to his 7 children and permanent damage to his ex-wife. I am now with a narcissist but never knew what this condition was until my disorientation, confusion, and depression caused me to seek answers. I found your blog, Melanie, and I believe you are doing a great service to the world.

    Thanks to your clarity and deep perception, I was able to finally understand my lost and lonely childhood and the strange predilection I’ve had for cruel, self-centered men. The truth really does set you free, even if it is a painful and ugly truth. At least I now have firm ground to stand on in the face of all the lies, gaslighting and subtle mind-games. And the cheating! Several of you have mentioned this and in a day when AIDS is still a very real threat, this kind of selfishness is LIFE-THREATENING. It has taken me several trips to the gynecologist to get over my naivete and denial.

    I would like to say that narcissism is far more prevalent than most people realize. As a nanny I have seen many little narcissists in training and I don’t believe it is always trauma that forms them. There is a kind of entitlement and moral blindness inculcated into modern children and adults: we are muffled by comfort and technology from the very necessary compassion that being less priveleged teaches. Men, too, are given an added layer of entitlement simply for being men. That said, I believe two of my sisters are narcissistic and have suffered greatly at the hands of our father so it is not JUST men.

    I am forming the belief that we have a narcissistive CULTURE and that is why the damage and cruelty is overlooked. Thank you, Melanie, for having the courage to open so many eyes and heal so many hearts and lives. You have helped heal and free me.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Laura,

      thank you for your post – and that is a very, very valid point – that over-entitlement is a big cause of narcissism.

      In our era it was more about abuse / neglect – but now many children are not being taught boundaries or the word ‘no’, and may be given everything they want – entitlement is an issue absolutely.

      It is very true that the more ‘outer focused’ our world has become – the more people have disconnected from their inner being (which is a connection to and reverence for life and others) and this is creating narcissism horrifically.

      You are so welcome Laura, and thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • lovejenniferlove@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    July 25, 2013

    Jean

    Faceless. You said it.
    I don’ t think I really need to say anything – because you already know inside – you know you are not loved or even regarded properly – you know because you feel used and horrible and empty….
    You are a body, a thing, for sexual satisfaction.
    You could be anyone at all – because there is no real emotion.
    If you doubt me – simply insist on being on top – and look into his eyes – really look in his eyes and ask him to touch you and kiss you (keep your eyes open all the time)

    He will either say he just can’t – and you will slide off (and you might possibly attempt to comfort him… been there done that !

    or – as I did finally – you will look, and feel (really feel) and get off him saying – I have no idea who you are with at the moment but it is not me…)
    He was – I found out later the same day – (checked his computer which was a measure of how insecure I was already feeling) that he was already involved with someone else.

    Respect all those inner feelings that will ultimately save you from this man.

    much love xxxx

    • helenahanbasket1@gmail.com'
      Rie
      July 25, 2013

      HOW SAD!

      But true. It is an act and not an emotion with them.

      Our inner “gut” instinct is never wrong. You know when it all goes to crap you look back and recognize that you DID see it, but you passed it off because you did not want to believe it. How many times have I done that and regretted it? I can’t count…

      It is wonderful that you are compassionate and that Melanie wrote this blog and opened up the portal to discuss!

      • elisha_hp82@yahoo.com'
        Elisha
        July 25, 2013

        Rie,
        I am learning not to punish myself for knowing and then staying in a narcissistic relationship. It was not until I found Melanie’s website that I began to understand why I thought I ‘loved’ and needed this man. My logical mind knew that the relationship was not healthy and that he was continuously lying to me, but I thought I could change him and that I could bring the good that I saw in his eyes, out. I realize now that I am the one who needed to change and I am finding joy and peace, without him, for the first time, in a long time! Like Melanie has suggested, working on fixing my unhealed parts and believing my self-worth is important in reaching recovery.
        I’m so glad for this article and will continue to pray that more people become aware of narcissism.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      August 8, 2013

      Jean,

      I am rereading this post just to remind me of what my denial still keeps wanting me to not see and I read your post. It was like a beautiful sad poem…and so true. I could especially relate to the awful realization that “you could be anyone.” Is there anything more humiliating than being utterly generic and replaceable?

      I remember my narcissist father saying to me once when I was 32 years old, a mother of five a degree in Illustration, “Wow, Laura, you’re an artist!”

      This profound invisibility I emperienced with my father and now with my lover is one of the greatest wounds.

  • coachmaryellen@gmail.com'
    Mary Ellen
    July 25, 2013

    If I hadn’t lived it, experienced it in all it’s destruction, I would never have believed it. Thank you Melanie for all you’re doing to bring your gift of deep healing to the world.

  • borland330@btinternet.com'
    Jean Werge
    July 25, 2013

    Dear Jennifer & Susan

    You are right – To these men we are simply things and sexual objects. He watches a lot of porn too – I have seen it on his PC as it came up because whatever he was logging onto brought in Trojans (viruses) – I am guessing that every sexual relationship he has had has been the same although he does love to say things like “Well she was married for 30 years and had never had an orgasm with a man” – this seems to have been the case with his last 3 partners – Yeah right !!!

    This blog is so good as it really helps reinforce things for me – It is good to write about it and not just read about it somehow – thank you for your honesty and strength

    Susan – I have been talking to my husband and making sure he is comfortable – I respect him so much for what he has achieved in the last 2 years even though a little too late in terms of his health – I agree with staying on my own – I have a wonderful circle of friends thank go and I will put my house in order when things shift at home – I have to admit that this Narc is like being addicted to a drug a bad drug – I also have to be careful when my husband goes that this one doesn’t sit in the wings waiting for bits and pieces as I clear out the house

    Love to you all

    Jean

    • sb2009@aapt.net.au'
      Susan
      August 1, 2013

      Dear Jean,
      Pleased to hear you speak positively about your husband but do one more thing for him and for you – try to focus on the here and now and not “when he passes.” He must sense that you are waiting for him to die – can’t be very encouraging for him and is not healthy for you. If the house is messy – start tidying it now- you can do it. If your narc “friend” has a key to your house I suggest you get a locksmith. You only need to get the combinations changed in the barrels of the existing locks and new keys of course; you don’t need new locks unless they are inadequate locks – this is a simple job for a locksmith so try to find one who doesn’t charge the earth but in any case it will be a wise investment and don’t let the narc get a copy of your key. If need be get a restricted system so he can’t get a copy cut but this will cost more. I have been where you are in the past in terms of feeling addicted to a person. (Not with my last partner though- he has his faults but is not a narcissist in that he is not cruel, scheming, deceiving or attention seeking so we still have some contact.)It is a big illusion feeling the need for a partner. In a way I’m lucky, as though I’m quite well preserved and can dress up when I need to – no men ever show any interest – must be my pheremones or lack thereof. I miss there being someone to go to social events with or travel with but really this is much less of a hardship than having someone incompatible under your feet every day telling you what you can and can’t do or having sex with someone you feel no real intimacy with. The thing is we will never find anyone truly compatible until we first learn to love ourselves and learning to love ourselves should be the priority. This does not mean being selfish but it does mean that when you give you do it because you choose to not because it is expected or because you are hoping for some reciprocal gain. There are lots of things to do which are far more satisfying than sex with some self seeking narcissist.
      I wish you strength and determination.

      Susan.

  • katey31@yahoo.com'
    Julie
    July 25, 2013

    I want to post the article on my facebook but do you understand the rage I will experience by doing that?

    The article brought me to tears. Everything I tried to explain to my friends, my sister, my mom & dad in horrific stories of the arguments and life that left me numb. It was my life, my husband, the man I loved, built a life with, raised children with…3 years after the divorce and I am still crying.

    • helenahanbasket1@gmail.com'
      Rie
      July 25, 2013

      Yeah, they would take it personally, but deny it was how they are. It’s like it strikes a chord, but you’re all wrong. They refuse to see TRUTH. Pretty pointless to try to make them or stir up the drama. I call it “whippin’ a dead horse” because it’s never gonna go anywhere, it’ll just lay there and stink worse the more you try.

      I hope you are in counseling. If not, please go and find peace and let the hurt heal. Why still cry? – YOU’RE FREE now! :)
      I hope that soon the past leaves you and you get excited for your future and have hope.

      I wish you well.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Julie,

      3 years is a very long time to feel like this…

      Have you considered working on your own deep inner healing to recover?

      There is a way out.

      Mel xo

  • justmeehmaripazlara@gmail.com'
    Maripaz Lara
    July 25, 2013

    Of all the information reg
    arding narcissists this one of the most detailed that anyone who encountered one or more in their life would help others to understand how we who have been victimized by these predators will help understand that its really hard to classify one unless you have been with one. I really wanted to have a lasting relationship with a man. I thought when I met my second soon to be ex husband he was my knight in shining armor. He was quite good looking and charming. Everything happened so fast he would call me everyday, we would talk for hours, he would send mr flwers at work and we were inseparable. Four months after that I saw he has emails from Craigslist. Then within a year I found his addiction to pornography and strip clubs. For the last 4 years if I was in the way with pornography, online dating, womanizing, sexting any technology out there or form of communication with women he will verbally and physically abuse me. I was so in love with the false self the man I fell inlove with the first time who never really exist. I try to search for answrs he called me fat,ugly ,old and he would tell me give me something to look at. I tried everything I could to please him and gave him my undying time. Yes I was his puppet. I prayed for years for a miracle and the answer was not for him to change but fir me to leave. The last time he physically hurt me was on 12,/12 and I left. He did try to reach out but come to find out he was also seeing women in the sife. I am currently unemployed, living with a friend and he depleted my account. On 3/13 I filed for divorce. With my current situation I thought of going back to him a month ago. He said too late I found someone else.He was always thinking of replacing me or adding another woman . He found wife number 3 and looks like his daughter. He found his match. Yes I did went through what they refer as depression and I questioned myself. But in the end I realized No Contact was the best contact. I’m leaving in peace and starting to pick up what this man did adulation, abuse, discard. This is the end of a nightmare but a beggining of a life that everyone deserves to have. Peace…Love..Mental healing. His goal was to break me. God saved me.

    • helenahanbasket1@gmail.com'
      Rie
      July 25, 2013

      He’s a man.
      That’s what most of them do.
      I’m sorry this happened to you.
      I wish you well.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      August 8, 2013

      Maripaz Lara,

      Your story is so much like mine. I, too, was wooed and won with dizzying speed, moved away from all I knew to have a wonderful relationship, what I call my “Happily Ever After Person.” Within six months the first red flags–all female!–showed up. I got us into counselling and he did very well at seeming to be into it. I felt encouraged and renewed! Yay!

      Then the unraveling began and I found porn, walked in on him mastrubating to a live woman on the computer, heard him say “I love you” to another woman, etc…then I got an STD. Found out he is using FaceBook as his personal fishing ground.

      My esteem plummeted and I began to search for answers, found Mel and have been on a stedy upward climb back up to happiness. YOu will get you back! It will be ok! Thank you for sharing your story.

  • helenahanbasket1@gmail.com'
    Rie
    July 25, 2013

    I know someone who is 100% THIS.

    I never could label it completely- sociopath and psychopath have been used to label her, she’s so EXTREME.

    It’s like these are not real people. They are soul-less or something. You have to pity them for something happening to make them this way I suppose, but they really wreak havoc and leave a path of destruction wherever they may roam, and I honestly feel that they can’t change and there is no hope, because they WILL NEVER SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS and they can’t tell the truth because they can’t see it. Not even deep within. To change, you have to be honest WITH YOURSELF and WANT TO change. People like this, who have no soul are lost forever.

    If you know anyone like this, JUST RUN. If at all possible just shut them out of your life because they will never do anything but cause you and everyone else they come into contact with immense pain.

    • Niamhkelly87@hotmail.com'
      Kay
      July 28, 2013

      Hi Rie,
      Your comments really hit home the experience I had with someone who now I realise has narcissistic disorder. The first moment when I met him I was quite naive (a teenager and more than a decade younger than him) and ignored the gut feeling that there was something not quite right about him. He ticks almost all the descriptions in the article. So many times I let him back in again, thinking ‘he’s human and we all make mistakes.’ just to find he would act out of deceit, manipulation and maliciousness again. I’m no longer in contact with this man and in that space and time, I have been able to see him for what he is. I won’t see myself as a victim, the choices I made to keep trying to relate to him were mine. He did cause a lot of pain and destruction though. It is a relief that his toxic influence is out of my life now.
      Thank you for your comments. I’m sorry to hear you and others on here had such experiences. Also inspired and grateful to read what Melanie and the people in this forum have expressed about healing, being whole and building a future full of love and positive relationships.
      All the best. :)

      • Niamhkelly87@hotmail.com'
        Kay
        July 28, 2013

        Ps “Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart.”

        • grollalion@yahoo.com'
          Laura G
          August 8, 2013

          Wow, Kay this was the best forgiveness quote I’ve read.

  • hamiltonjanet@hotmail.com'
    Reanna
    July 25, 2013

    Thank you Melanie for a detailed description of what a narcissist truly is. I’ll start off my story by taking responsibility for attracting a narcissist into my life. I wanted a passionate love, an all consuming love, and a man who would devote himself to me and love me to the core of my being. In the past, I was disappointed with the men in my life. They didn’t call when they said they would call. They were not romantic or passionate, and most were quite boring. Well, enter the Narcissist. He swept me off my feet. Here was the man of my dreams. He was tall, fit, a Steve McQueen tough guy yet incredibly emotional and sensitive, he rode motorcycles, created and built things, loved animals, and could even be convinced to watch a chick flick. When we first got together, he would light candles, draw a bath for me, and even put my feet in slippers and tuck me into bed. Sex was passionate and fabulous with him. He even cooked too> He promised he would take care of me. Me: I was an independent strong opinionated woman..not easily taken in..and he seemed to appreciate that and honor that about me. I looked at him and thought this is my husband..So I moved in with my animals on his ranch. Little by little I gave up my hard won freedom and independence…swept into a passionate romance which remember is what I wanted in the beginning,,I started giving up friends, quit my job, and little by little became more isolated and than it started…the insidious chipping away by him of my self worth and self esteem…little criticisms by him in a teasing way and than more serious..If I protested he said I had an anger problem or I wasn’t being mature or taking care of him and the animals properly after all he had done for me..If he attacked too much and I reacted too strongly…he would bring back the love and adoration to reel me back in…Cat & Mouse…back and forth until I was lost in insanity..He started drinking more and more..my life became out of control…I became more and more depressed..My independence gone, my self worth gone..He started attacking more, calling me vicious vile names if I went out of his invisible lines of control..me so beaten down..I would leave and than sleep in the car with my animals only to return after he begged and pleaded for me to come back..that he would stop being so mean..I had no where to go..at least I thought that at the time because after two years I had given up everything, money, job, self worth, self love, …I was dying inside…it just kept escalating until one day he became violent and hit one of my animals…that was it..I couldn’t not see it anymore..the apologies didn’t work anymore..I was putting another in harm’s way..I didn’t count at the time..I had come to a place that it was okay for me to be abused but seeing of my precious animals attacked was it…His mask was gone, removed..thank god for my pets..I left and found Melanie’s Blog after googling verbal abuse and my life was reborn…DONT FOOL YOURSELF into thinking that these men can be fixed..it just gets worse..It’s a roller coaster ride and they will destroy you. And it can turn violent. I was lucky to get out alive. Thank god I did see physical violence. I know many narcissists are NEVER physically violent but the emotional/verbal violence is even worse I think..So get out..do whatever you need to do to get out and don’t tell him you are leaving…just leave. I left everything. I just took my animals and the universe will support you, GOD, The Creative Force, The Goddess, The One..whatever you believe in Jesus, Mary, Allah, the Great Spirit will guide you and support you along the path…It will be tough going in the beginning, but it gets better and better as your life force comes back little by little until you are Whole Again…Bless You Melanie and all the women out there facing this

  • alettekauka@aol.com'
    Wai
    July 25, 2013

    I have been healing for the last year after almost 30 years of narc abuse.Thanks to Melanie for helping me keep my sanity.I devoured all the knowledge she sent me on the subject.The most important part is NO CONTACT!! The whole marriage was a lie, and it was hard to swallow the fact he only loves himself.The countless affairs,lack of any empathy, big ego, all that was mentioned in this article is so true. It all makes “crazy” sense. I believe time heals all wounds, and God has a much better plan for me. The only reason I stayed so long in this bogus marriage was because I convinced myself that God had blessed our marriage, and we made a promise before God that I didn’t want to break.I asked God for forgiveness, and knowing Him as a loving God,I know I am!! I am so thankful to you,Melanie

  • helenahanbasket1@gmail.com'
    Rie
    July 25, 2013

    Sorry I just hopped in here and commented so much. It hit home hard and I have so much to say…
    I am new to this but subscribed just now.

  • sunneeone_w@yahoo.com'
    Stephanie
    July 25, 2013

    I was deeply depressed for 2 years and felt that I was unraveling more and more every day and didn’t know how much more I could take. I was browsing online for solutions when I came across this website and as soon as I read the description of a Narcissist I started crying with relief. I had a long way to go to heal from the abuse, but at least I knew that I was right, that my gut feeling was right. Listen to your gut feeling, watch for the red flags.

  • janewatson58@gmail.com'
    Jane
    July 25, 2013

    Your blog says it all! Your emails and blogs have helped me so much since I came out of the place I have been and realised what he has been doing to me over the last two years! He has apparently married the poor cow that he set his sights on 2 years ago while running up my credit cards to show he was a man of means to her while hooking me into the triangle. Now been arrested for harassment – just wanted my money back – and awaiting a possible criminal record at 60! Well even if I don’t win (and from everything I’ve read I’m prepared to lose but have got to give it a go!) I know that what goes round comes around and I’m a winner just because he is not in control of ME anymore!

  • astadidit@gmail.com'
    Marcy
    July 25, 2013

    WOW. Yes this article is absolutely right on point and so relevant on so many levels that I needed to say to the world this is happening everywhere to so many people and it is essential that we get out the word to help those who haven’t yet gotten involved with narcissists and suffered the horrible devastation that takes years away from one’s life.
    Also, having been a survivor of a narcissist and going through a nightmare in the United States legal system, as well as having handled numerous domestic cases where one of the parties was a narcissist or borderline, I am convinced that the courts do nothing and it creates another level of judicial abuse because the one being victimized is made out to be the guilty party by the narcissist.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Marcy,

      thank you for your post.

      100% agree – because there is such limited awareness of narcissists, so many of them do through legal systems, counsellors etc. to ‘line up’ and punish victims.

      Narcissist see ‘systems’ as an opportunity to abuse by proxy – it is one of their most maliscious tools – and many systems unknowingly get used as ‘the pawn’.

      It would be wonderful one day if the game was up with this tactic.

      Mel xo

  • melissa_garlington@yahoo.com.mx'
    Melissa Garlington
    July 25, 2013

    Hello,

    My name is Melissa and I have followed Melanie’s programme since January 2013. I believe that what she’s doing is extremely important and if I hadn’t read her blog and followed her healing resources I would have been in the mad house by now and lost everything I’ve worked for so hard. I thank you Melanie for helping me reconcile my broken bits and understanding why I was filling in the gap with a person that treated me so badly. I can’t thank you enough for your help and inspiration and if it weren’t for your mission I would literally be in hell right now.

    I hope the women who read Melanie’s articles understand that everything she is saying is absolutely 100% true but the problem is not understanding how it works intellectually but healing inside emotionally and spiritually so you don’t attract these type of people into your lives. This is an important calling to all the victims who have suffered emotional abuse but they might not be aware of it and have put up with a lot of pain in the name of “love”. Please understand that these abusers do not love, they use people. Once they’ve use you and you’re worn out, they will find someone else and leave you to your fate. Also, it’s very important to note that they do not change. Please understand this because it’s very important. You cannot help these people and you shouldn’t think that you are the chosen one to make them change. Love yourselves above everything and reconcile the broken bits within yourself that started in your childhood.

    Thank you Melanie for making this world a better place :)

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Melissa,

      thank you for your post and your important message.

      What you are describing is the ‘true mission’. It is not just about finding out you have been narcissitically abused (the first step), it is then (the healing step) going through the process you described.

      That is the journey from victim – to survivor – to thriver.

      That gives purpose and meaning and liberation to EVERYTHING we went through..

      …as well as presenting the greatest gifts – a more incredible relationship with ourself and life than we ever dreamed possible.

      The breakdown is potentially a complete breakthrough – but you have to want it and commit to that.

      Mel xo

  • astadidit@gmail.com'
    Marcy
    July 25, 2013

    I encourage everyone who reads this to work towards education on every level to inform people about narcissism and borderline personality disorder, including the judiciary and our governments, so that no one will have to suffer and feel their life is over because of the horrific behaviors of an abuser. I recently calculated all the people who have suffered at the hands of my ex-partner the narcissist and figured out that with the years he spent terrorizing and litigating with his ex-wife, three business partners, his two children and numerous employees, girlfriends and other family members, in years an entire lifetime was lost because of his vindictiveness. Thank you Melanie for setting me off on this endeavor. It was just what I needed but couldn’t express because of what I have suffered. It is a crusade that can work. We just have to put out the energy to make sure that what we have experienced is not in vain and that others make better choices because they know what to look out for.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Marcy,

      please know what you suffered is not ‘in vain’ just to help others..

      You also have an incredible inner being, joy and life to claim.

      If you still breathe it exists – and you will know it when you clear your own pain.

      The most important message of healing we can EVER bring to others is to heal ourself..

      It has to start with self. Then it ripples out.

      Mel xo

    • cotakaren@yahoo.com'
      cotakaren@yahoo.com
      July 26, 2013

      Marcy,
      Thanks for posting this. It is a well written piece of the pie of what NPD can do.
      I just bet that your x-partner presents himself in such a way that people that who have not experienced his cruelty, think he is amazing.

      MY BELIEF (I AM PUTTING IN BOLD BECAUSE I WANT IT TO BE SEEN BY ALL) IS IN ACCOMPLISHING THIS HUGE TASK OF ENLIGHTENING THE WORLD AS BEST WE CAN….WE HAVE THE TASK OF THE NEED TO DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER THAT THE NPD PRESENTS TO THE FOLKS WHO THINK THE NPD PERSON IS AMAZING OR POWERFUL. THE NPD ONLY SHOWS HIS CRUEL SIDE TO HIS VICTIMS. IT IS THE FOLKS WHO ADMIRE THEM THAT FUEL THE NPD AND BECOME UNKNOWING ACCOMPLICES. A DESCRIPTION OF THEIR FALSE SELF NEEDS TO BE VERY WELL DESCRIBED BECAUSE THEY WILL OTHERWISE NEVER MAKE THE CONNECTION.

      I wish I was better at explaining things, because I’m sure I left the correct details out, because there are so many variations of these people. Some NPD is more obvious. I would try to describe what I think needs to be known to the masses, but I don’t have the gift like Melanie does. I could offer some suggestions though.

      But I can say… I am pretty stoked that my wish to educate more people about this has actually began to take form. Thanks to Melanie. What a fantastic idea!!

  • mecm2k@gmail.com'
    Mary
    July 25, 2013

    I am at the final stages of the divorce process with my NPD/sociopathic husband. We have sold the family home, which is such a great comfort not to be tied to him any longer. The kids and I are healing. This divorce has been going on for 3 years, all his stall tactics. I have had no contact since March 2011. And if nothing else, that is the one thing anyone in our position must follow. NO CONTACT. It’s the only way I have stayed sane.
    Every day I see more and more how he tortured me, and I am so glad to be almost done with him forever. I thank Melanie and this site for getting me through a lot of it.
    Be strong, remember we are not the crazy ones.

  • jknoll@csir.co.za'
    Jutta
    July 25, 2013

    There are many saddening things happening to a person in a relationship with a narcissist. 1. You usually don´t know that you are in one until you are so deep in it, you confidence so damaged, your environment so dysfunctional, your dependencies established, that any way out feels totally impossible. In retrospect you would feel manipulated, blackmailed, used, a whore, but you feel you deserve this shitty life, because you must be the one at fault. You work and give and change and adapt and provide and give more – it’s never (good) enough. If you finally come to a point where you need to choose life over death, even if life means what ever, you realise you stand alone against the world: it’s their charm against your run down logic. I often wondered where his endless resource of energy came from to damn and harass me, to grind an penalise me, use his children (accusing me of everything he did), after I stopped to support his every being. After 20 yeas of marriage all I remember are the never-ending demands, after supporting him for 20 years he wanted to have everything for himself. A divorce will not be clean. The saddest thing is that even the legal system fails you, because of the very same reason: the narc charm counts more than any logic. Never ever expect any sympathy of any sorts, just don’t. Expect a feeling of tremendous freedom, when you can cut the ties to such a person.

    • 2911jmh@gmail.com'
      journeygrl
      July 27, 2013

      Jutta, Every word you wrote is as if it came out of mouth, word for word. This was my life and after my first atty said, “aaaa I don’t think I can handle your divorce because it is going to be too emotionally draining on me”,(after my psycho NPD ex called her house at 12:30 at night. Your lawyer will grow tired of dealing with your ex and his making your divorce a difficult one. You don’t even know what has hit you until you are so far in deep, and you are just shattered, I mean shattered. Melody has an excellent website, but what ppl don’t realize is that MOST OFTEN these creatures suffer from more than ONE personality disorder, it is not all cut and dry. These creatures are broken, empty, soulless, VERY MENTALLY ILL people or maybe just plain damn evil and controlling, causing your atty to state over and over, “this guy is a nut…crazy!” They are the mother of all liars, true paths, who MUST maintain their reality because if they were able to face the truth and accountability of what they have done to others and the kind of creature they really are….it would kill them. The only good that came from my ex psycho antisocial narcissistic abuse was he only showed the court just unstable he really was….of course by then you are bankrupted and shattered nearly beyond repair. And fortunately our only child was old enough that the last time we went to court for a protective order( in good ole boy TX ) and once again he slithered out of it AGAIN..our 15 year old daughter, turned to me as we walked out of court, and said, “Momma, they don’t care what he is doing to us, this is just a game to them, and you can’t protect me..Lord Jesus! as long as I live I will never FORGET that, I turned to my lawyer and told him…”Did you hear what she said?????”, “Now you listen to me, I will give my LIFE for this child, so you go back in there and you tell that so called Judge, and his golf g playing buddy, slithering atty, my ex has hired, that I don’t appreciate that they have allowed this psychopath to teach this child that you can do whatever you want and not be held accountable for it in family court, and they may not give a damn about this child’s well being BUT I DO, and everything they have allowed him to do to us is documented, and if something happens to her, it will be over my dead body!” “DO YOU HEAR ME?” The ex got supervised visitation, was able to see her ONLY in the court therapists office, WHICH OF COURSE HE REFUSED AND COMPLETELY CUT HER OUT OF HIS LIFE. Like his daughter said, “He did everything to us but kill us and burn the house down”. I have no doubt that God has a special place in hell for lawyers and these kinds of judges, in the long run these jackasses end up paying through all the bankruptcies that occur, all the additional medical expenses of victims, family court systems overburdened, personality disordered children…homelessness…we all get the bill eventually in the long run. All the courts do is allow these psychos to re victimize you again and again. A good example is that my ex had pressured me during our marriage to take nudes for him, and they weren’t tasteful nudes, either, so during our separation, my ex sends me an email with the pictures attached, and in the email tells me that he is going to make a web site that every time you type my name in the search engine these nudes would come up, and that he was going to send them to my family and 80 year old mother who was recovering from heart surgery. And what did the court require? THAT I HAD TO MAKE 3 COPIES, BLOWN UP TO BE SUBMITTED TO THE JUDGE, HIS ATTY, AND MINE!!! You have no idea how incredibly humiliated and dirty I felt, oh I’m sure they all had a good laugh at MY EXPENSE!
      You never really know how strong you are until you have survived going through the court system with these nuts. The only way to true freedom…accept the devastation….because you will have to give them everything to just get away…any tie with any property(including children, because to family court that is exactly what a child is PROPERTY); everything is just one fight after another…you will lose, but.. you will be left with your integrity…and an opportunity to model what true integrity is to your child…doing the right thing in the worst of circumstances. You are right…you don’t get any sympathy from the courts only exploited more..I don’t know if you truly get any freedom when you share children with these nuts…because they will go to hell blaming and projecting, and if an opportunity comes to hurt you by way of your children or like my ex psycho even blame the child…they will do it, every opportunity to exploit and use anyone for any supply.. they don’t hesitate, they live for it.
      Till this day it just blows my mind that it didn’t matter how many times he threatened our child, on the phone, or email, and even telling her “You are dead to me”…that SOB still got unsupervised visitation, even after he cut our telephone wires, sent our child to the emergency room, vandalized our home, stole property, spent every penny we had and broke every court order. It took hearing from the lead detective from the Montgomery county, TX Rape and Domestic violence division telling me, “Mrs…go to mediation and get your divorce, I see women in Montgomery county go to the ER everyday, either being raped or beaten by their husbands and boyfriends, and some of them can’t even get protective orders, get your divorce, sadly you will have more rights under the law, then being his wife and child.” The psycho even took his child’s dog out of spite to hurt her! And the jerk still got unsupervised visitation, it wasn’t until he took our 15 yr. old daughter to his GF’s biker bar, (and I presented the picture to my atty) that he was given supervised visitation not to mention I do believe the court realized after my child’s statement that they had better do something before someone ends up hurt.
      Being re-victimized through the court system has made healing a struggle, has left both me and my child less trusting of people and the system, and at times even bitter.
      I can’t say I am happy, I still live with the fear that he will come back and start this all over, and healing is a slow and painful process, excepting the reality that the person you once shared a life with, who easily slipped off the mask of a decent human being, was capable of such cruel, sadistic, abusive psychotic actions, who told his child he didn’t care if she ended up in a cardboard box, he was going to destroy her mother and take everything away from her including her,(and he nearly was allowed to do just that)all because he refused to get help, and we left him.
      I don’t think these people ever change because they don’t want to change, they enjoy what they do, it’s a game to them, They don’t feel bad, except on HOW IT EFFECTS THEM. To them they are ALWAYS the victim that way they never have to hold themselves accountable for what they do. And they only do what benefits them and their damaged fragile egos. I don’t think they feel they are damaged, how can they, they don’t miss what they choose not to feel or acknowledge.
      I know that I don’t have to do anything to my ex, he is the most destructive human being I have ever known, who conned me when my self esteem was at it’s lowest, and at a very vulnerable time my life.
      Perhaps it is better to have loved and lost than be married to a psycho the rest of your life.

  • remaxbocas@gmail.com'
    Lin Ronald
    July 25, 2013

    Gidday,
    I have lost all my friends, most of my relatives and all of my money to a narc woman.

    Here is my dilemma. I cannot seem to do No Contact because we have a great little 4 year old girl between us.

    Any suggestions?

    Cheers,

    • Reggie_5555@yahoo.com'
      Reggie
      July 25, 2013

      I have been studing everything I can find on this bad behavior for 2 years. This site is the best. I would recommend keeping the conversations short and to the point and only about your daughter. Don’t let her pull the conversations into other area’s of your life or her life. She will try to pull information from you to use against you. Or she may want to tell you all about what she has been up to, feed her grandious. If you don’t give her that, she will soon not want to talk to you. Be polite – “say well that is nice, but has daughter had dinner, is there anything I need to know (concerning Daughter).” Soon you will pull up for visitation and she will have your daughter meet you at the car. You will get there.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      HI Lin,

      as suggested in my posts above please read my previous blog article “How To Heal Our Children”.

      It will help.

      Mel xo

  • Blissblooming@gmail.com'
    Tamara
    July 25, 2013

    After 20 years, am living a life free from the drama if a NPD ex! The best advice I can give you is 1. Group therapy (it gave me my confidence and self-love back 2. EMDR treatment (it took away my anger & pain by letting me relive the worst moments over and over until I fully processed them and put them to rest.) 3. Break off all contact, reliance, access with that NPD person.

    Good luck & blessings to all of you!

  • hansenkathy2@aol.com'
    Kathy
    July 25, 2013

    This comment is in support of Ms. Evans’ attempts to garner attention to the damage brought about by contact with persons afflicted with NPD.

    I am a professional woman, over six decades old. Over 30 years ago, I married a man with the subject disorder. While various peculiarities were noticed previously, the fully “bloomed-out” disorder did not become apparent until near the end of our relationship, a few years ago. However, from the outset of our relationship his family members reported experiences that I didn’t believe — accused him of acts I thought they’d invented — and expressed doubts about his veracity and ethics. All their most negative concerns and reports turned out to be 100% justified — but only after many years of my life and our children’s lives had been lost to this person.

    My children’s father candidly concedes that he feels nothing for other people, doesn’t love anyone including friends or family members, describes himself as a “misfit” and vows he “doesn’t want to be ordinary…like everybody else.” He lies constantly, cheats and steals with impunity, and would prefer to live with the TV on and a porn magazine in his (free) hand. For holidays, he prefers to have a “token family” and then return to having discarded us. How the children have survived this, I have no idea, and I am afraid for their futures and sanity, as I am my own.

    As for us, our own lives will never be ordinary. Our lives were maimed by this person’s disorder. The fact his parents were aware of his disorder and failed to warn me in advance of our marriage, was reprehensible. I feel the children’s and my lives were downright sacrificed by society’s unwillingness to accept that severely disordered people MUST be identified and treated or removed from exposure to the general population, BEFORE they damage others. This could have occurred, but instead I doubt the man will ever receive a diagnosis, much less treatment, because he has the right to be sick, ugly and as disordered as he pleases — while the rest of us anxiously wait in dread to see what will happen next. Some nights I go to bed praying he’ll get picked up for DUI or for attacking somebody, whereby his disorder will be detected by officials. “But no.”

    • amyntadenniss@yahoo.com.au'
      Jade
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Kathy, I feel the same about NPD and ASPD but I don’t know how these people are to be identified unless they come before the courts, and then only if officials are really looking for it. Psychiatrists and psychologists are going to be lied to, manipulated and presented with the false persona just like everyone else, and quite frankly I imagine they’d prefer to devote their time to people they can actually help. (Plus they would no doubt resent being used for narcissistic supply.)

      As for being warned (or not!) by other friends and family, I would say 50% of them are still in the dark and the other 50% are probably glad to be finally rid of such attention, and could even be afraid of the threatened repercussions of trying to warn others. In reality, the ‘victim’ who suffers the most, and has the most evidence for any kind of prosecution, is the least likely to be taken seriously, due to the debilitating effects of the abuse. You know what I’m talking about.

  • djgipe48@yahoo.com'
    Donna G
    July 25, 2013

    I am leaving a comment to try to support the effort to educate the public about a fringe element in our society that is unrecognized and education is sorely lacking. I got involved with a man at work…a charming, intelligent man that was “overwhelmingly” attracted to me. I was of course flattered by his attention and curious about where a relationship with someone like this might go. Where it went was a roller coaster ride straight to hell. We had upsets, spent an enormous amount of time together, all the while his demands for attention and a disregard for my time, job, needs escalated throughout our time together. He wanted and needed me desperately, needed me to take off from work, to give him everything he needed, or I didn’t care about him. I was selfish, a princess..always using other people.. This continued until I began to question the one-sided nature of our relationship. Until I started to fight back…then all hell broke loose. I was left emotionally battered, confused, in horrible pain, and physically addicted to the man who had begun an interaction with me based on caring and attraction, but on his time schedule, regularly unloaded all his vile, poisonous vitriol on me, leaving me sobbing and broken while he laughed with contempt at my weakness. We need to recognize that these emotionally damaged people exist. I had no idea what had happened to me until I saw Melanie’s videos on You Tube. Please help with the effort to warn others about the behaviour that continually repeats itself. This man has damaged or destroyed so many lives because people have no idea that monsters like him really do exist. I would even go so far as to say that we need a registry of these peoples names!!!

    • cotakaren@yahoo.com'
      Karen
      July 26, 2013

      What a great post. I have often wondered about a registry too, or a group that comes together to confront the NPD and/or defend the victims, somewhat like a neighborhood watch group or the Bikers against child abuse. Nice post Donna

  • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
    Quinton Edward
    July 25, 2013

    Thank you Melanie, for this wonderful enlightening article. I will do my best to forward it to as many people as possible.
    I would like to add that another trait of narcissists is that sex only happens when they want it to happen and many times, they even use it as a “carrot”. If you feel like having sex, they will say no most of the time but just the next day or week when you are too busy or not in the mood, the N will just expect you to be ready and if you say no, you get punished emotionally and sex will be refused for a long time again. I am speaking out of experience here as I have lived this with my ex Narc and my current Narc (we are married)which I intend to leave as soon as possible. However, some narcissists are oversexed and would want it all the time.
    Many, narcissists also love to watch porn (which in my case caused an almost non existent sex life) and some of them wont even deny it (sometimes, only after you catch them). I remember the day I caught my Narc watching porn and he did not deny it when I confronted him about it the next day. He then told me that I am looking for issues where there are none and that I should leave him to do that because without it he will not be able to have sex with me. After putting me on a long guilt trip, he threw himself on the bed and said he is sick, I felt so guilty that I apologized (it is very common that we apologize to the narcissist whether it is our fault or not)and then he told me what I am not allowed to do and if I do those things, he will leave me.
    Cold shouldering is another tactic of narcissists to make you forget about their faults and make you feel so guilty that you apologize, knowing it was not your fault. Many times when one argues with a narc, he/she will painfully ignore you to the extent that you feel invisible in their presence, and that just because you had a point.
    Lastly, for the co-dependent (victim of the Narc), it feels like they are walking on egg-shells and are scared to say what is on their mind, they become seen and not heard. They live in fear for the next time they will be called upon for a mistake and then emotionally crucified. If you stop speaking your mind, accept all their bad behavior, the narc behaves like the sweetest person on earth until…….you say something they dont like.

    • mtlemieux@yahoo.com'
      Michele
      July 25, 2013

      I truly identify with this! To live every single day of your life scared to say anything is not a life. As the co-dependent (victim), we are expected to live as a puppet on a string, and they are the puppeteer. Please, for your safety and health – leave now. There is truly no reason to wait as I did. I allowed my Narc to completely destroy my life and my reputation. He cannot love you. He does not respect you. I know this because I was where you are. Do it for yourself. You deserve more in life.

      • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
        Quinton Edward
        July 25, 2013

        Thank you Michele. He cannot love me and he certainly does not respect me. That is a hard-hitting truth that took me a few months to accept.
        Yes, I will leave however at the moment I am not in my own country, I am practically on the other side of the world from where I came from and because my legal status in this country is not yet completely sorted out I am not allowed to work here which makes me financially dependent on him. Through the new life community, this blog and website, I have started distancing myself emotionally and am not really bothered much with what he does. I am not even suicidal anymore. I also don’t share my dreams, thoughts and feelings with him anymore as he crushes most of it. I act like a puppet and allow him to feel like the puppeteer, that controls me. So I will go to mosque with him and pretend to fast etc. even though I left religion over a year ago.
        I have already mapped out a plan of how to leave and what I want my life to be like when I get back to my home country. I don’t want to go back to my narc mom and sister to stay with them. I want to and will live on my own.

        • mtlemieux@yahoo.com'
          Michele
          July 25, 2013

          Good luck Quinton in all that you do!

          • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
            Quinton Edward
            July 25, 2013

            Thank you Michele.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Quinton,

      thank you for your support.

      The truth is narcs will do ‘whatever’ hurts the partner.

      If the partner wants a lot of connection and sex the narc will lose interest. If the partner has been hurt and pulls away from the narcissist with a decreased libido then the narcissit will want more sex and connection.

      If a partner wants more attention the narcissist will recoil – if they want less and more space the narcissist will engulf.

      The same narcissist will act out all of this with different partners given the circumstances.

      What is very true is constant eggshells, confusion and emotional and mental pain…

      There is no upside in trying to exist with a narcissist.

      Mel xo

      • bubblingover@hotmail.com'
        kendra
        July 25, 2013

        Extremely well said! Thanks for bringing clarity to this, Mel. You really have a gift/skill/wisdom/mission.

      • rachelgideon@yahoo.com'
        rachel
        July 30, 2013

        very well said melanie!

    • psyche@iinet.net.au'
      Suzanne
      August 4, 2013

      How very true. I had forgotten some of these details and as I read what you have written here, I am painfully reminded of the way it was. At the time, I could not have expressed all this because it was so painful to feel so invisible and disconnected. I always knew it was not about me and could not understand how he could do what he was doing and it always felt so lonely. The only times it ever felt connected was when he felt ‘full’ and then he was happy, full of narcissistic supply. That was when we were going to attend functions that he was involved with. They were the happiest times during our relationship. Quinton, reading what you have written here makes me so glad that I have chosen to leave and embark on the path of real healing. I never again want to go through what I went through with my ex-boyfriend.

  • mtlemieux@yahoo.com'
    Michele
    July 25, 2013

    I just don’t know where to begin… I met my Narc when I was 27 years old. At that time I was married and lonely to my high school sweetheart and was pregnant with my second child. My Narc was a delivery person who flirted with me often. I craved the attention from my husband, who would rather go fishing than be with his family. I was niave and fell for this man. My Narc gave me all of the attention I wanted. I left my husband, only to find out that my Narc was also an addict of gambling and alcohol. It took 7 years before he finally gave up alcohol, but not the gambling. Stupidly, I wanted to marry this man, and even after he cheated on me, I agreed. I spent my entire wedding reception in the bathroom crying because he and his family became highly intoxicated. Three hours later I threw everyone out. We have been married for 10 years now, and I can say that I truly do not love this man. He has had me arrested three times for domestic disputes, convincing family, friends and the police that I need to be on medication. I completed a Masters Degree for Teaching, which is now in jeopardy and was fired from my job because of my last arrest. While I have stood in our driveway, he was inside ripping his shirt off of his body amongst other false accusations. He is a dangerous man, who feels no compassion. He has used me for money, in which I purchased our marital residence with money from the sale of the home from my previous marriage. During my last arrest, he obtain a protective order and I have not been able to reside in the home that I have title in for five months. He has forwarded all texts and voicemails to his sisters and children in an attempt to show them that I need medication. However, several doctors/therapists have prescribed medication to him to alter his behavior and he refuses to take it, claiming “There is nothing wrong with me, it’s all of you.” This man has left me stranded in the middle of nowhere, shutting his phone off, knowing that my cellphone battery was drained.
    I sincerely hope that each and every one of you who has no idea what Narcissism is about, reads this and finds the courage to leave your Narc. Finding Melanie’s site has given me such knowledge and strength, and I have finally begun my journey towards a normal, healthy life. Please find the courage and do it for yourself. Because your Narc truly does NOT have the capability to love you in the way that you are so desperately hoping for. Life is too short, and you deserve so much more!

    • mtlemieux@yahoo.com'
      Michele
      July 25, 2013

      Oh, I did forget to mention that when I had my ovaries removed four years ago, I became suicidal because doctors wouldn’t allow me to take hormones and my husband blatantly told me that I should just kill myself and get it over with and when police traced my phone to a cemetary, he didn’t even care enough to support me. Not to mention that not once have I ever received an apology for anything – it’s all my fault after all! He flirted with women right in front of me, joined match.com and wanted to meet women 18 to 35 (he posted that he was 42, not 50 like he is!) and even asks women if they are married, where they live, and how old they are in front of me! When he did work, he only gave me half of his pay towards bills, while I contributed every dime! He has been out of work half the amount of time we have been together as well. Not to mention that we once had a good sex life, and then only had sex once a month. He sells prescription drugs to support his gambling habits as well. Thank goodness I found Melanie’s site. Otherwise, I would have believed that it was all truly my fault! I will do everything that I can to spread your message Melanie! Having had so much happen to me, I feel that it is necessary to get this information out. Because I really believe that your message has literally saved my life.

      • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 25, 2013

        Hi Michele,

        that is so wonderful that you wish to heal and then want to support others.

        That is the true unity of this community.

        Thank you for your support of spreading the message.

        Mel xo

    • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
      Quinton Edward
      July 25, 2013

      You sound like a very strong woman and I wish you all of the best.

  • milkywhey66@hotmail.com'
    Linda
    July 25, 2013

    G’day Melanie,
    Thankyou for bringing this terrible affliction to the attention of the greater public. Your article, as always, is ‘spot on’. Yes, when you read other information on NPD it doesn’t ever give justice to the pain that their victims suffer. ‘Professionals’ tell you not to categorise your abuser – it is so frustrating. Time to ‘shout it from the rooftop!’

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Linda,

      It is incredible that support and knowledge is not out there – especially when narcissism is tearing so much up on every level in the human expereince.

      Thank you for supporting and shouting it out!

      Mel xo

  • nklein1423@holyfamily.edu'
    Nancy
    July 25, 2013

    Sadly it is all true. I found the courage to leave my narcissistic abuser after 26 years of marriage. I am now stuck trying to agree to a settlement with him which I don’t believe will ever be fair. I think sometimes that I should just take what I can get and run. I will be happier that way only I have four children with him and I can’t support them alone. He knows he can but they must suffer his abuse. It kills me to know I can’t save them from his abuse. I have been able to get two of them into an apartment with me but the other two worry me. I hope someday they forgive me for leaving them with him. I want to KILL this man for what he has done to the family but in the end I know that I was just as responsible as him. In my ignorance and co dependence I put up with his soul sucking and vicious abuse. I was suicidal at one point before realizing I was not the weak stupid person he had convinced me I was. I know I should stop waiting for a fair settlement and just move on, but I hate it that he has won again! Perhaps in the end his money will not matter to him once he is over gloating about how he made over on me. He will always be sad and lonely. I just wish I could get all of my kids away. He has caused me to lose my house, my savings and my sanity. I wish all who struggle with this disorder the strength to go forward. You will win by healing. God Bless

  • wonderingif1@yahoo.com'
    finallyhealed
    July 25, 2013

    Nancy, you say :”…in the end I know that I was just as responsible as him.” I respectfully have to disagree with anyone who says this sort of thing. Yes, we need to get away from their sickness and it is our responsibility to do so…but we don’t choose to be sick like them. There is a big difference there. Did you match him word for word, action for action, in all the narcissistic behaviors? I doubt it. That’s why you were/are the “victim” and he was/is the “narcissist”. Again, we are only responsible to save ourselves. I just don’t want anyone thinking that our “sins” are equal to theirs. There is no way I am going to buy that…that is what the narcissist wants you to believe because they can’t accept full responsibility. They will verbally maim you and then tell you that either you are to blame or it is 50/50. When I asked my ex-narc in a very polite and kind way to please stop ignoring my son because it was hurting his feelings, he blasted me verbally and called me names to the point I was trembling. Then he told me we were both to blame. Really? I never defended myself or called him names back or did any of the crazy dirty fighting he did. I only stood there and shook. So, please be easy on yourself and to all other survivors out there be careful about owning TOO much responsibility in the madness. You are only responsible to save yourself and your children then GET BETTER and learn the signs and then trust your instincts so that you never allow another narc in your life and RUN, without apology, if you ever encounter another one again. And yes, SPREAD the word. WE SHOULD WEAR BLACK RIBBONS AND HAVE A NARC AWARENESS MONTH EACH YEAR SO THAT EVERYONE CAN SPOT THEM AND THEY THEMSELVES MAY HOPEFULLY ONE DAY BE NO LONGER ABLE TO HIDE FROM THEMSELVES AND OTHERS. Peace and healing to all!! (And try http://www.pstec.org for amazing click tracks that helped me heal so quickly from the abuse. Hope it helps all. They are free, too!) Good luck!!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2013

      Hi Finally Healed,

      the responsibility which Nancy is talking about is in no way saying we are ‘bad, malicious’ people.

      It is an acknowledgement that there were co-dependent parts of us which got hooked, which allowed us to overlook warning signs, not trust our own intuition and meant we didn’t leave. Rather we kept hanging on trying to force an abusive person to be responsible for our own wellbeing rather than knowing we are a source of that to ourself.

      As a result of doing the research and working in this recovery field for years I have the proof and am 100% convinced that narcissists can NOT simply target and manipulate anyone. There are people who have got sufficient boundary function and who are solid enough within themselves who would never be attracted to a narcissist and would never succumb to a narcissist targeting them.

      Humbly, and almost tragically I was not one of these people – my conditions of my childhood had primed me for a narc relationship, and this is the consistent truth for other people in this community as well.

      True healing lies in healing our wounds that allowed and maintained us ‘being abused’.

      Then we are NOT those people anymore.

      In the thousands of recoveries I have helped facilitate it is the people who take this responsibility, the embracing and releasing of their own co-dependent parts who claim their lives and move forward into the creation of healthy love patterns that do not replay unhealed childhood wounds.

      These are people who evolve and thrive from these experiences.

      Mel xo

  • lovejenniferlove@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    July 25, 2013

    Re Ribbons
    Great idea!
    but not black – for we do not mourn them – or what we were with them
    White ribbons?/wristband? – for finally seeing the light!
    xxxxx

  • Theresap@hotmail.com'
    Theresa
    July 25, 2013

    It’s all TRUE. And if you With Someone like this, RUN like Your Hair is on fire! they don’t get bettet. Don’t be’ deluded, like they Are to what parasitic tyrants they actually Are. If they retaliate in their nasty ways, it is because you Are simply bringing their horrid behaviours to’ the light. Hopefully that should strengthen you. It’s not an easy path, because of all those tactics they use, that melanie listed. I am going through this With a partner of 21 years. I have some people urging me to’ go back into the marriage. Absolutely not! The information melanie has shared, has been priceless for me, and for my new Narc-aware journey! Thank you. The next challenge is to’ help my children through this toxic experience

  • cwolff@y7mail.com'
    Christine
    July 25, 2013

    Thank you for this information. Once again the ways they argue resonates so much for me. I could tick off almost every one. He is doing a lot of work at the moment to heal his childhood hurts – and is committed to it. Its not easy work either. however I find when we get home during the week between sessions he reverts back to this behaviour so often. Anytime he needs to be accountable to something he has said or done bam there it is again… The no empathy – the diversion tactics etc etc… I am a very strong woman and I am totally honest with him and don’t put up with his ways – however I still battle at times to not take it on and feel hurt. I know consciously it is not me however it becomes so frustrating!

    Once again thanks for the great insight.

    C

  • leandawatkins@gmail.com'
    Kate
    July 25, 2013

    Of course I know I’m in one of these relationships. Have been for more than twelve years. Of course I’ve experienced total disregard of my needs and wants, my money, my property and friends and family. Of course I saw the dysfunction he introduced into the lives of his children and now his beautiful small grandchildren. I know this is not normal and that I deserve better. And yet I’m still with him. I am in shock by how many women can comment on this in just ONE DAY!! I really want to put it in my past as well as so many have shown me today.

    Thank you Melanie and all the strong beautiful women out there.

  • c_langlois@aol.com'
    Chris
    July 26, 2013

    I was in a relationship with an extreme narcissist for 5 years. I noticed abnormal behavior early on but looked past it because she had so many endearing and unique qualitys.I knew she suffered from Post Traumatic Stress as a result of childhood physical/sexual abuse. I was at the time very unaware of what narcissism was, therefore, all the red flags I saw that point to this insideous disorder were not recognized for what they were. The first year was the best I had ever experienced with a woman, a solid emotional connection had been forged beginning with a true friendship. Not long thereafter, the lies and cheating began. I am not quite ready to divulge the horrors that followed for this is still fresh with me. I will at this time say that my experiences with an extreme narcissist has changed the man I once was, emotionally and mentally. I have gone through everything we have all read about narcissism and even a few experiences that some of you have not experienced. I feel I have lost myself, the man I once was, every aspect of my life has suffered, I am drained, the tank is empty. The Devaluation and Discarding, the narcissistic Projection and Rage has especially adversely affected me. Not sure at this point if I will ever recover, become stronger and wiser, I feel as though I am just aimlessly floating around in a bubble, call it Narcissistic aftershock>
    I still find it, after all the research I have conducted about these monsters, to understand how someone can portray themselves to be someone they are not in order to fulfill their own self-centered agendas and pull it off for 5 years. In particular, the warp speed in which they become so insideously in-human and EVIL!

  • Sandilight02@gmail.com'
    Sandra Devlin
    July 26, 2013

    I have been through everything that Mel and the rest of us have experienced in the last 20 years living with a handsome, charming, Mr wonderful husband, father, life of the party COVERT Nar…..I am DONE now loving the great person they present but never we’re or WILL be…I am DONE feeling sorry for or trying to fix them when they are in Nar insult and make you feel empathy for there poor pathetic lives when at the same time they show no empathy and do despicable things that emotionally destroy you in front of & behind your back …. I am DONE not being able to let go of the perfect dream partner that was gonna love me and fix me so that I could feel whole and healed from my childhood wounds (that’s my job no one can do that for us)…I am WORKING ON not caring about being hurt by and being in anger ( only hurts us and gets in the way of our healing) that’s his friend & family (who knew my character for 20 years) think he is so wonderful and that I am this Bipolar-Borderline bad mom – worthless dishonest- lying about him and his behavior — smear campaign he is on to make me out to be ( they all love to make US out to be crazy as they can then use that to take NO accountability for there horrible actions …if he did anything at all wrong it was justified by you would have had multiple affairs and done what I did if you we’re married to my horrible wife. Then they can get the empathy feel sorry for them Nar supply that the people around them hand out so quickly and the Nar craves so badly as to not feel empty inside. (I try and let go of the anger and hurt by reminding myself that alot of these people are also victims of his lies and a lot have there own emotional stuff to work out we all do ) I am WORKING ON letting go of the guilt of what I tried to do in my emotional pain. In 2010 his cruel behavior emotionally destroyed me to the point that I almost became a statistic of another death due to Nar abuse. when I was emotionally torn apart- empty and broken and was being cruelly emotionally tormented which was of course invisible to all around me but me. I wanted to just stop the pain and in my depression I tried to overdose on pills can you imagine my 5 beautiful children ages 20,16,11,6 3 at that time the pain they would have gone through. and I’m sure they would have been told there mother was a mess of a depressed unstable person who took her life due to some mental illness. Thank goodness your Dad is so wonderful and great. ( the truth is I was a mess never had bipolar or borderline but I did have what I know know is called ((COMPLICATED POST TRAMATiC STRESS SYMPTOMS) brought on by Nar abuse…google it to see symptoms and how it is related to nar abuse….it is brought on by extreme events not a psychological condition therefore NOT treatable with meds. (the best treatment is the QuantaFreedom it really does work ) I know that none of what I have gone through I can change but I can change my future from the inside out by keeping my focus on myself and my healing. I have filed for divorce… We are both still living in the marital house with the 5 children….. I have implemented no contact as much as I can…thank goodness for texting and email. I do not look at him when he is in the house and have earplugs in my pocket at all times for when he walks in all loud and doing the Nar I’m so wonderful and happy show in front of me.(You guys all know what I’m talking about with that one) The game playing between him and the lawyer has just begun and I am trying hard to not live in it scary as it is. But focus focus focus on my healing no matter how bad or ugly this divorce process may or may not (lol trying to stay positive) become because the truth is that it is the light at the end of the tunnel to true Freedom,Healing, Self Love & Connection back to my authentic self. I love each and everyone of you out there that has been and are going through this whatever stage of the hell you are in….. Please don’t give up on yourself you are not crazy you are not alone and you are loved and lovable….We really need to work on loving ourselves and connecting back to source that is the whole reason this has happened to each and everyone of us . It is the GIFT in it and well ALL deserve it !!

  • moma_c46@hotmail.com'
    Julie
    July 26, 2013

    So many of these traits of the Narc are all too familiar; however, my spouse has in no way had any “affairs”, but he does do a lot of sneak peeks (esp at women’s cleavage) and flirting with younger women and when I get upset or call him on it he totally denies it and is very gifted aqqt bullshitting his way out of it and will sometimes get very upset that I dont trust him. in the past he has done a little porn and he went to a topless dancing show in vegas which has been a huge sore spot with me feeling betrayed and insecure in our relationship. he has never owned that or had any remorse, he just gave me stupid excuses how he didnt know and how he couldnt leave because “they locked the doors” when he realized what kind of show it was. duh! anyway I’m not sure if he is a narc or not but like I said these lists of behavior do sound very familiar for the most part. he also doesnt throw his in-digressions in my face to rub it in but he throws mine at me all the time whenever I question him about something he has done to hurt me and when I ask him to stop treating me like that he always says “well then YOU stop_______” So I ask you does a narc have to have ALL these traits?

    • pdalton4@tampabay.rr.com'
      pam
      July 26, 2013

      As for never thinking your husband has no way ever had an affair, while I am not saying that I think he is, I would not be surprised if I were you if that turned out not to be true. An NPD is always only out for himself/herself. They can be convincing, charming and are usually very good liars. I was positive that my ex would never have had an affair either. IT turned out he had – and far from just one. He had one with the woman across the street from us in our first house, while he was remodeling her home. I used to watch her daughter, it turns out while he ‘subbed’ on a bowling team. She would meet him while I babysat and cleaned the dishes from the nice meal I cooked for him before he left!
      I used to feel like a fool, once it all came out. It turned out everybody seemed to know but me. Turned out, I came to see him as the charming liar he was. I QUIT blaming myself for someone else’s bad behavior.
      He was always a flirt, almost funny and cute about it, I jokingly rolled my eyes when we were young. He had been voted “Class Cutest” in high school and was the “Homecoming King”. Seems that charm stuck. For the life of me I cannot understand how women still find him so irresistible and how they are not on to him. I hate to say it, but we women can be silly, stupid and sometimes too willing to take on a ‘project’. And these ‘wounded projects’ often know just how to pick ‘em. Once you quit telling yourself ‘its not THAT bad’ or well, ‘he’s not like HER husband/boyfriend, etc” and begin getting why you allowed yourself to be in this substandard excuse for a real relationship things will get better for you. I am not addressing one person here, just generally speaking!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 26, 2013

      Hi Julie,

      I certainly do not wish to alarm you – and maybe your spouse has narcissistic traits and is not NPD.

      An NPD can ‘convince’ you he / she is not adulterous and still be at it…The after information has shocked many a person myself included when it comes to air considering how focused the narc seemed to be on you – and he / she proclaiming adultery is NOT who they are.

      Re the traits…this is my take always regarding a person with NPD. Do they use a great deal of the arsenal in the ‘arguing’ list? Is this person a regular pathological liar? And… especially ARE they capable of maliscious, pay-back pathological acts?

      Because normal adults do NOT have the ability to even fathom those nasty atrocious acts let alone play them out.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • pdalton4@tampabay.rr.com'
    pam
    July 26, 2013

    I have known with certainty for a long time that my mother, probably my dad, my oldest daughter and my ex husband (her father) are all NPD.
    The dysfunction within my family is so rife it seems normal to most of them. Thank God I got out – literally – I live geographically far away.
    Growing up I always thought I was bad, worthless, a fake, etc. My mother used to say things like ‘when you laugh you sound so fake’ (I was little and became very self conscious about how my laugh sounded from that point on). When I was a -virginal – teenager, she made a comment like “I have no idea WHO you are sleeping with”. As a small child my mother angrily yelled at me “Who do you think you are? Marilyn Monroe?!” (I was probably five or six; she died when I was about 7 and really didn’t even know who MM was). I was blonde and blue eyed and people used to tell me how pretty I was. But I went through the windshield at 3, while she was driving, and had a resulting scar on most of my forehead. She combed bangs over it and made sure no body could ever see it. When I had surgery she wouldn’t stick around when I came out of recovery and if I ever expressed that a kid made fun of me (a boy I had a crush on in 3rd grade called me ‘scarface’ and I was crushed) my mother would practically yell that “is ridiculous! You can’t even see it!”. I believe she could barely look at me because I was a living example of her irresponsibility, the scar was something ‘she did’ and she didn’t like it. She always seemed to like any good attention that I got for being pretty even though she seemed jealous all my life. I would think “a mother couldn’t be jealous of her own daughter” and once again, I felt unlovable, flawed and defective. She entered me in a baby beauty contest when I was three and loved to tell the story about how I made it to the finals and when the judge came up to me and said something like “what’s your name little girl?” evidently I pulled my bangs back, exposing the scar and said “My name is Sugarfoot and I live in the mud”. She told me I would have won the contest had I not pulled my bangs back.
    So I grew up very conflicted about the value of being pretty – my dad enforced that and once told me it was too bad I was a girl because I would have been good in business – and ‘knowing’ I was severely damaged/scarred and that in order to hold on to my value I had to keep that a secret and cover it up. I never wanted to go swimming, go without make up when I got older, get my hair wet, and picked everything about myself apart.
    I was 17 when I met my first husband and his treatment of me was so familiar although at the time I did not make any connection between him and my mother. I did wonder as I got older how I ended up with a man like him when my dad had been so good to my mother. After therapy it dawned on me that a) he was just like my mother not my dad and b) I was an enabler just like my dad was. I was raised with a sense that you never get a divorce (religious and God was more judgmental than forgiving) and although it always seemed to me that my mother hated me, I wanted to prove to her that my marriage would indeed last (before I married him she told me ‘when he finds out what you are really like he will be sorry he married you’). After ten years of so much abusive treatment (did not beat me up, mostly damage to walls, doors, over spanking our kids, yelling in intimidating ways and tons of emotional and mental abuse) he stayed out – again – one night and told me he didn’t love me anymore and I could stay or go. He didn’t care.
    I chose to ‘try to make it work’ and embarassingly told him that “I will love you enough for both of us”. That makes me almost vomit right now as I write it!
    The one thing that I have left out so far is my wonderful relationship with my grandmother, my dad’s mother. And she was right around the corner so I was with her all the time. I think of her today AS my mother and believe, although she was the wife of an alcoholic (my dad grew up therefore in a total denial based household) she was the person who taught me to be loving and caring and who showed me how to be a good person. She alluded several times that she did not understand why my parents treated me like they did and her door was always open but she would not step in or interfere. I believe had it not been for her, I would be some kind of animal. She alone gave me the sense that I was a person worthy of love, which I realized later.
    My mother used to tell me that ‘your grandmother stole you from me’ and used that always as an excuse for why ‘I just don’t think I ever really bonded with you”. However, my oldest child, from whom I am now estranged (she is 36 and has basically abandoned her own kids and is doing whatever she wants to do, letting her estranged husband’s mother care for them most of the time and will not let me see them at all) became the target for my mother. When my grandmother died 22 years ago my mother’s behavior hit a new level. Unbridled by any behavior modification that came her way because my dad loved his mother and would listen to her, my mother unleashed the wrath of God on him and on me particularly. She would intentionally sabotage things I told my daughter to do; ie, after school, when I was working and she had to be home till I got home, my mother would constantly undermine me by asking her to go shopping, etc. specifically during the time she had to be there. Repeatedly I would have to tell my daughter ‘no’ until I got home (she had to be with her little brother and sister for an hour and a half till I got there and then she was free to go). This could go on and on but to this day, she has repeatedly bad mouthed me to my own child although she really hates my ex, her dad. I was the only one who took care of my kids (he paid nothing and was self employed) and yet now she is ‘close’ to him and we have no contact. She is hateful and disrespectful to me and both her siblings stay away from her and don’t want anything to do with her. She also blows up in a second, will scream obscenities if she is upset or confronted, etc. I know our divorce was hard for all three of them – especially since he has remained hateful and blaming for 24 years despite the fact that he was the one who told me he didn’t love me and I finally did find someone else, remarried, moved on. He tells the kids that our divorce was the worst thing that ever happened to him, etc. I am close to my other two kids and they have well adjusted and happy marriages with children. I am sad for my daughter but she is a mess and is destroying lives.
    Having NPD’s in a family is like the entire family being severely ill. They tear people apart, polarize people, create so much ill will and dissension that the family has to splinter apart. My father, who I used to have some relationship with, is a stranger to me. He has to ‘stand by his wife’ he says, and she hates me. I am her competition, not her daughter. Fortunately I have figured everything out but with that comes grief. For so long I needed to believe my mother loved me. She doesn’t. She can’t. She doesn’t love anyone and neither do my ex or my daughter. I would say ‘but themselves’ but the truth is, they really hate themselves most of all. And I believe everything they say to or about me they are projecting. I know I am not the only target. But I am in my family, the scapegoat. It is my role.
    When my wonderful husband (now) suggested 12 years ago, before he met my parents, that things could not possibly be as bad as I said they were (I was no contact then) he talked me in to re establishing contact. He now tells me it was so much worse than even I said it was. He recently told my parents “I have never seen a mother treat a daughter the way _____________ treats her”. My dad agreed and said that it was because I am the way I am! My husband told them basically to lose our number. They have nothing we want. Had to be said because they have money and they try to manipulate with that. We don’t need it. Standing up for me and telling them to get lost was the best thing anyone has ever done for me. He put a wall of protection up between them and me and I am eternally grateful. Hanging in there for money would be equivalent to prostitution in my mind and I am free. Thank God.

  • elize@elgit.co.za'
    Elisabeth
    July 26, 2013

    Thanks Mel and everyone taking part with their own stories. I am a survivor of a narc relationship of 7 years,currently 5 months into No contact,however I have broken that 3 weeks ago by sending a farewell note to him,heavens knows why I did that for that has brought the longing back again. Making excuses for his behavious,blaming myself instead.
    Needless to say that when I asked him to rather get out of my life a year ago after I discovered that he had online connections with OW I was heartbroken,blamed myself that I did that to myself for I suffered tremendously whereby he was as happy as can be.He started packing his belongings immediately and moved in with his next supply as if it was the easiest thing in the world.(I learned about her 10mnths after he left)
    I supported him for an entire year after he lost his job,never received a thank you for that,he moved out and I got the silent treatment straight away. I was at the time unaware of the OW and new supply that he was nurturing whilst I was online applying and looking for a job for him.

    Good luck to all other survivors and everyone who could find the courage to get rid of them.Its hard to do that but certainly the only way out.

  • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
    Jean
    July 26, 2013

    Mel, OMG! Thank you SO MUCH! This is the most concise representation of all things NPD I’ve ever read. Therapists – the ones I have been too – they do not understand at all and in many ways have done even more damage. My daughter refuses to go to therapy with her Dad because of all the twisting and lying he does – and then the therapist questions my daughter…ugg! My first husband was an abuser too (I call him the amateur abuser!) – but the second husband…full blown NPD (I call him the professional). Before marrying the second husband I was a fully functioning happy single Mom who woke every day with optimism and hope. Wow – the damage they do is indescribable to anyone who has not experienced this type of abuse. I am still recovering, and having to co-parent with him has been just like being in a war battlefield every day…they go in for the kill. And their is no other way to describe. In fact, long before I ever heard of NPD, during arguments early in our marriage – I always thought to myself that his getting so juiced up with his horrific behaviour was the same as blood and oxygen is to me. Haha…I also told him that he did not have a soul and probably was an animal in his previous life (sometimes he would bear his teeth at me). His abuse to me was horrific – but the worst part is all the others he gets to attack you with his gaslighting tactics. It’s been the loneliest experience in my life (and I did not have a good childhood).
    Well again Melanie – your work that you are doing to help heal those in these NPD relationships and things like the above list/description – it is the VALIDATION that we victims need! And I have shared your website with my daughters therapist :-) xoxo

  • getrotten@hotmail.com'
    Mary
    July 26, 2013

    I woke up at 3am, couldn’t sleep, my Narc husband had left me a few weeks earlier. I couldn’t explain why he would have left me. After all, I had supported him, even through my illness of fibromyalgia I didn’t dare stop work (50-60hrs/wk), I had to keep working to pay the mortgage the bills, our great lifestyle, our trips to Bali & Melbourne every few months, pay the gardener, the cleaner, etc etc. My poor ex husband couldn’t work or help around the house because he had to sit by the pool every day, drink beer, play games, and spent time on his lap top.

    While I was (and still am) on S8 prescription drugs for the pain, and to top it off, going through menopause, not sleeping, suffering from anxiety, in horrendous crippling pain, I couldn’t for the life of me, stop and have a breather.

    Our marriage was only 6.5 yrs long. But I had known him for 20 years prior to us getting together. He was always the life of the party. He appeared to be everyone’s best friend. Always the first to put up his hand to offer help in any way to anybody (he never did go through with his offers), but at the time appeared to be the “nicest, kindest of blokes” out there.

    When he came into my life I was vulnerable. He knew I had lost my daughter and was grieving and in a big black hole. I was just working long hours and coming home and barely living. So, of course, I felt he was my saviour and that he truly loved me. We had been friends for many years.

    By the end of 2011, I was having a nervous breakdown and eventually,got through to him and told him he had to go to work and contribute to our relationship. It took 6 long years to get him to finally bring in some money. I used to give up asking him to help me out as he would go into tantrums, and times accuse me of “lying about him not contributing”. He would turn it around to make it my fault, or start acting like a 5yr old. But after I literally got him his job and he knew it was the end of the line, he started working and just as I was beginning to feel happier and feeling slight relief, he left me. I couldn’t work out why this man that supposedly loved me sooo much would leave me when I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. The one and only time in my life that he would have seen me crumbling. Where was his heart?

    So at 3am this morning, through my tears and confusion, I got up and starting searching online, and came across narcissim, and then Melanies site. Thank God.

    Eventually my dilemma of “why did he leave me” was solved. I couldn’t stop reading, although one hour later I really needed to go back to sleep. I stayed up reading and reading and reading. I couldn’t get enough of this information/answers/reality! Yes his source of supply had been cut off. Not just financial supply, but emotional too. What a user!

    My ex-husband moved straight onto his next victim. He moved in with a couple (which we had both known over the years)as a boarder. Within only 2 months of living with them, he conned the lady to purchase a home with her money and put his name on the title for his share (which apparently he will pay her back with money from me through property settlement). Poor poor lady. I am in the midst of lawyers, courts, trials etc. He has cost me a fortune so far in going down this road, but I swear that even though it may cost me more to deal with it this way, he will not get a cent from me.

    His demands were insane. For someone that bludged off me for the whole marriage, and contributed nothing from the beginning and right through to the final few months, he only wanted my house and a large amount of cash.

    Hmm nope, he will get nothing.

    And thank you again Melanie for that one night back in January 2012 at 3am.
    You made me understand, you made me whole again over time, you made me realise I am not to blame, and most of all, you have now made me aware of people to have or not have relationships with…not just husbands but friends also. I have always been a giver, and I don’t think I can change my ways, but I can certainly choose who to give to. I will never be someone’s doormat again to be abused (in my case emotionally & financially) and to be made to think I am being unreasonable, to be told I’m crazy and to feel guilty for being ill. I also believe that my figromyalgia came from the stress of living with and having to support this lazy arse from almost day one of our relationship. I truly hate him, and made no contact with him right from the beginning.
    There is so much more I could tell you about him, but it would take forever. Your articles pretty much sum him up.

    Thanks thanks thanks.
    Love your work, keep it going.
    I have told so many friends about your site already and will continue to for anyone that I feel may benefit from it.

  • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
    Melanie Tonia Evans
    July 26, 2013

    Hi everyone,

    this article has drawn more interest and circulation than any other article I have ever released.

    For those of you who are still in the AWFUL shock, pain and throes of narcissistic abuse, please take the time to go through my blog articles.

    Recovery from narcissistic abuse is really our greatest goal – to get out of the horror and reclaim our life.

    Please take your time to listen to the radio shows regarding the Thriver series, and read the articles. You will hear how poeple just like you – with indentical pain and situations have healed and come out the other side.

    That is my greatest passion for people who have been abused – is to help you get well.

    Mel xo

  • australianjulia@gmail.com'
    Maria G.
    July 26, 2013

    Thanks Melanie,
    Word by word the mental twists of the narcissist apply to my story too. My N is a well known internationally recognised lecturer, the successful and adored type, who portrayed himself to me as a victim, his wife abandoned him when he developed Parkinsons. Oops, hope no-one recognises him… He love bombed me and courted me publicly in the world stage, boasting of his new young girlfriend and exaggerating my accomplishments in life (flag up), it was embarrasing and too much…
    He was looking for a woman with no kids or intention to have children, since he had a vasectomy when he was 21..another narcissistic trait, some won’t tolerate sharing attention with kids, perfect way out.
    He moved with me quickly, with his disease time was important. Yes, I was soon faced with the first of many uncontrollable anger episodes triggered by minimal comments and most worryingly, a strong anger and love witholding if sex was denied (flag flag). And the confusing inability to talk about it like adults, neither at the time nor later.
    The excess self compliments escalated and the attack on what he viewed as my weak point started: “all the women in the world wanted to sleep with him and throw themselves at him, he has to knock them back”, “you don’t know how lucky you are to be with me”, he would forward me multiple emails of group photos and individual photos of himself with women around the world (never men) and forward emails of fans who were very complimentary of him…..I knew it was odd, but tolerated it, since I am an aquarious I didn’t feel insecure or jealous . Then came the standard run down on his ex-s wife/girlfriends, they were all crazy , selfish, mental cases… (flags galore) his emphatic request for monogamy and loyalty in the relationship…
    I consider myself street wise and world versed, but I never , ever suspected this man could have mental disease.I knew he had a terrible childhood which he talked about often, and he was entitled to be a bit odd, didnt we all have childhood wounds?. This is why Melanie, your post strung such as strong cord with all of us, if only I had watched a hollywood movie to know about this, or a tv drama… With no precedent, my brain was confused and didn’t click. This man adored me, but … he didn’t act it. My subconscious knew, I ground my teeth at night and had a gastric ulcer flare up…stress…my intuition was telling me he was bad for me and there was something wrong, but I couldn’t rationalise it so I persevered.
    I saw self denial, lack of humbleness, lack of kindness, lack of emotion- better still, faked emotion which is very confusing because it is there, but it is NOT.
    I kicked him out of my house when he insulted me clearly flirting with a woman who was a guest. That was six months after he moved in. I didn’t know what had hit me and I was in incredible pain, he blamed it all on me for being condescending in the way I spoke to him and hurting him… I thought maybe, I am european and latin after all… And for not giving him daily sex, which is an “obligation” in a relationship, he told me I was confused sexually for not understanding that. I laughed … and cried…and was confused, but not….
    The research started then, on internet like most of us, I remember googling “excessive self importance” and coming up with the word narcissist for the first time, wow what a moment!!!! I was right and I was not going crazy!.
    Subsequently contacted his ex-wife revealed all the horrors he had put her through, we shared our stories and have been in touch and friends ever since. I found out he had been cheating on me while he lived with me . I contacted and spoke to as many people as were willing to talk to me, which were not many, as most feared for their jobs. One beautiful lady I spoke to was sacked, abused and insulted (we are talking professionals here, and this peaceful healing man was using the F word) because she talked to me. No amount of begging cold make him undo the harm.
    I made the biggest mistake which was to contact him and tell him what I had discovered about him, that he was an N!!!! this landed me the reputation of bipolar and crazy in the profession which he spread., quite unsuccessfully may I say. Yes I also gave him the address for this site….*his comment was that it was nothing but astrology…;-)
    He pursued me constantly in spite of that, he didn’t let go of me, he was always asking for casual sex and would get angry and insulting when I declined.
    Fast forward, I needed no contact, four months later he was torturing me as I still deep down loved him and it hurt little trickles of hurt. I was advised to explore the possibility of requesting a VRO, after changing my phone number. I wanted him to stop, and I couldn’t just not read his emails, I didn’t have the strength, I used to go to the junk mail and dig them out. So I wrote an email to himself and his mother explaining why he needed to leave me alone, because in my opinion he was abusing me emotionally etc… silence… he left me alone. I had gone too far.
    Now, the story is not over, I knew about the hooks, I knew about the dangers and I was recovered, but I was bugged by the tought of him dying as he was, unchanged and miserable, tortured, there was a good man under there waiting to come out. I felt strong enough, after a period of time to handle him again and make him talk about the issues he avoided in the past. I thought I had the brutal advantage of knowing all his mental tricks, and I could apply them too if I had to. Everybody said don’t do it…. but I had to try
    One casual email about an unpaid bill and he was home promising undying love and trying to get back in my bed as if nothing ever happened. I told him honestly that I still though he was narcissistic but I was interested in knowing if he could be managed by someone that was strong and knew his problems, perhaps it could work if he gave a go. He didn’t get angry but went with the flow…. I set up rules which were he was not to contact the women I knew he had relations with.I was to speak to them directly and explain things my way – now he fired his anger and aggression, talking to the other women was not OK . So I did, I secured that they would back off him and contact me if he approached. He forgot I dissobeyed him and was back to love bombing, which this time was funny because I would tell him to “stop love bombing me”, when he was dissonant I would tell him he was dissonant…I felt in control.. but he didn’t and couldn’t change. He was still lying, still giving me half truths, still not vulnerable and still witholding love on purpose (witholding fake love I guessis the correct way of putting it). I was clearly managing him but not getting any emotion out of him to make it worthwhile for me. I was squeezing a stone. Many weeks and after an initial period of progress, admission of sex addiction and anger management issues (never N issues), he relapsed to cheating and insulting me again, so I walked. He told me he didn’t need me, ” physician heal thyself” , his motto. The important thing for my journey is that now I have been released from the guilt of wondering how it would have worked out for us if I knew his mental disease… the answer is the same, it would have not worked for me. This time I walk out with much less pain, just sad acceptance.
    I am back to being crazy, cruel, bipolar and more harrasing insults aimed for my weak spots, but now I don’t feel them. I decided not to waste my life with someone who was not going to give me back authenticity, even if it means “abandoning him” when he is sick (I would see the torture and agony in his head, he would curl up like a baby and cover his forehead with his eyes closed when there was conflict with me that hurt him). It is best if he goes back to living in his own world and I step out of it. It is impossible to make him see the Matrix.
    I feel that I will now stick to a no-contact, no-reaction, time will tell.

    I am a huge fan of you Melanie, your work is fantastic and you have certainly helped me!, as well as everyone who has left their testimony, thanks!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 27, 2013

      Hi Maria G,

      yes it is VERY common for narcissists to be in such positions, and to be able to gleam ‘adoration’ from others.

      Narcissists are very draw to fashioning themself as ‘guru’.

      Even lesser profile narcissist will surround themselves with people who can keep reflecting back ‘glory days’ if possible.

      Maria you feel and sound like a very aware and very ‘on to it’ and amazing lady.

      What worries me is ‘I feel that I will now stick to No Contact’…

      I recognise this is so many people, and of course where I was with narc recovery twice at initial stages..

      Maria – if I can be frank – you are doing this the ‘white-knuckling’ way – which is the cognitive, rational path of trying to override the peptide addiction and shattered painful inner programs that the narcissist activated within you.

      There is a much easier and more powerful path of evolution that you can take, which not only sorts the ‘hooks’ out but will grant you the personal growth these events (via the narc) are calling you to claim.

      Please check out the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. You are an absolute candidate and ready for that growth and personal evolution.

      Mel xo

  • lisa.nicole@yahoo.co.uk'
    lisa
    July 27, 2013

    I think I this article is sooo interesting because it makes so much sense out if the non-sense and confusion that I went through…I am working on NARP (not as often as I would like to!!) and am very grateful to Mel’s guidance directing me to becoming a whole person myself instead of trying to get someone else to fill the holes in me…the work that Mel insists that we do is always to go inside where I can ask the feeling ‘what are you trying to show me??’ ..I have discovered a lot since the n moved on to an unsuspecting victim with whom they now have twins together and the feelings were huge when their babies were born as some of my friends and sister visited them and their new family…I emailed Mel and always she directed me back to feeling the pain (mod1) and what came up for me was feelings of not being good enough and not accepted… which I acknowledged and wrote about… now recently on my daughters birthday she went off to her dads (ex n) and my sister and her family were going to visit her there…I was in the house on my own and waiting for this huge feeling to come over me… but it never came…I enjoyed the emotional freedom that I felt and was excited that I knew I had filled another hole… and the next day I found out that my sister and her family travelled through to see her Neice but her dad decided to take her to mc d’s for her birthday tea so they weren’t in…I know this is because my vibration has changed on this part in my life…Mel is guiding me towards my gift in all this and I remember that from pain comes purpose…my relationship with the ex n was for a purpose and now when I think of him I try to remind myself … WE ARE COMPLETE…I am still on this journey of total self acceptance and I am enjoying it very much…I think that is why the ex n is so bitter and angry towards me because I am living a happy joyful life which is the best form of revenge…I agree that we need to make this information available to as many people as possible…Mel is a genius on the way her articles make it easy to understand , clear,simple and to the point…an earlier post suggested white wristbands which I think is a great idea… I remember the purple complaint free world one I used to wear…you had to swap it from wrist to wrist every time you complained and the idea was to have it on the same wrist for 21 days…I’m sure we could come up with loads of ideas of keeping it on the same wrist… no contact etc or an elastic band one we can ping every time we thought of the n!!! sending positive energies to you all wherever you are on your journey xox

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 27, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      this is fantastic that you are working on your inner stuff – and healing and evolving.

      I love it when people on NARP DO email me for help and then apply the suggested QFH shifts to keep healing and growing!

      That is exactly what coming up and out of painful emotions into freedom and creation is all about.

      Thank you for your post and keep up the great work of ‘becoming whole, happy and complete’!

      I do like the pinging wrist band idea for people detoxifying themself!

      Mel xo

  • itznotsamwich@gmail.com'
    Jackie
    July 27, 2013

    This resonates so well and this website has been an incredible resource in my attempts to understand all I had encountered in my last relationship.

    I met her a few years back and it was the most intense, all consuming, incredible meeting I had experienced at the time. Truly, you feel like the type you hear about in stories or see in movies just popped into your life. The attention and incredible interest you are given sets you up to believe you have found a special connection and that you are building a bond that goes beyond love. You don’t see the toxicity while you are in it because it feels nothing short of magic.

    I have no family. I am 14 years younger than she, trying to do life on my own. Trying to get through school. She is a local TV personality, a professor, has four kids, and is the most charming person you could meet. So it played out as a psycho thriller at times, because nobody would believe me when the truth started revealing itself.

    And the truth comes when you say something hurt your feelings. Or you say something like, “Hey, as I was cleaning I found many boogers on the walls and furniture. What should we do about this?” Anything is an attack on them. It isn’t about your feelings. It isn’t about the boogers. It’s about them. They take everything as a criticism and never show care or concern for your feelings. And when they claim you are criticizing them, they punish. They use your greatest vulnerabilities against you. Mine being family and a sense of home.

    In the course of three years I have been locked out of the house and forced to sleep in a 100+ degree car. I have been shaken. I have been humiliated. I have been backstabbed. I have been threatened when I have tried to tell my story. I have been left to cry alone. I have been told nobody will love me like she does and I ought to be grateful. I have been stalked. She had searched an entire city for my car. She had paid a company to sweep the entire internet using my email addresses for all my history online. She had sat for hours in her vehicle behind a dumpster in winter weather watching me, only to later describe my outfit. I have been called names. I have had things from my past thrown in my face and twisted to make me seem bad. She has gotten naked in the driveway and screamed at me to look at her after hiding her body. She has given things and taken them back. She has threatened contact with her kids, who I grew very close to. She has told many people awful untrue things about me. She left me alone on holidays and sent me the cruelest letters on my birthday. And she stranded me. She convinced me to get rid of my car. She would say, “We don’t need two cars, babe, that’s just dumb.” I fell for the we. After she said we would share and after I got rid of my car, I thought I would be going with her to school, as I attended where she taught, anyway. “That’s your f****ng responsibility,” she said. Against my want, I took a year off school for a travel job to try and save for a car. Came back and ended up lavishing her and her family and such and still never got a car. I could go on with such detailed things forever, as I went through the whole gamut described in this article.

    I look back now and wonder why I didn’t leave earlier. I often feel ashamed that I allowed myself to go through all of that and be so weak. They are masters at convincing and knowing just what to say and just how to work it to reel the vulnerable back in. But still…I know I should have walked away so much earlier.

    It was clearer than ever after I left. She was horrible to me around the holidays again and gave her usual silent treatment and refused to spend New Year’s with me. She packed everyone’s stocking, including her ex’s, and handed me an empty one. Then after everyone left, as Christmas was our anniversary, handed me an envelope with cut out coupons that said things like “free ear and nose massage.” She told me she was going to only make four but decided to make more and not to use them all in once place. I felt offended but knew that if I were to say anything, it would be turned into me attacking her and being ungrateful and being made to feel bad for saying anything. So I asked her if she wanted to take a bath to celebrate our anniversary and she said, “Now?” and turned over and went to sleep. After I had lavished her and her family again.

    She didn’t talk to me after I had left. A couple months later, I began connecting with someone. It was hard to open up to her. But I ended up eventually going across the country to meet with this new person. At that point, the ex bombarded me with texts about how she will never get over me, sent me pictures of herself crying, went over the top with compliments, started posting pictures all over instagram about me breaking her heart, telling me she will never be over me and I will always be her favorite and number one and nothing will ever compare. She ended up telling me that she is always rejecting women because her heart is me. She listed a few women she has claimed to reject because her heart is so with me. But then she let me know and it became blatantly obvious all over public apps and such that she was obsessively texting a woman in Vegas she hadn’t met yet. The woman is younger than I, after she said she would never be with someone as young as I, and had lost her partner recently to suicide. She told me this girl is incredibly sensitive. She told me it was just a friend outside of the community.

    That’s when it clicked so hard. She wasn’t rejecting the other women because of her heart being with me. She rejected the other women because they are strong women and have it together and they aren’t vulnerable sensitive ones she can dominate and control.

    I hate to say it, but only knowing what that girl had recently gone through, I warned her. Not out of a jealousy thing, but because of what she had gone through and knowing that what I was put through would crush her. She asked for proof and I gave it to her, though I thought at that point it was silly. I showed her texts and she realized that my ex had lied to her about who I was, how I know her business, had even used her own child to cover up for her lies. She made it clear to me that she was feeling weary because so fast was my ex claiming to fall for her without having ever even met her. All the while I was being told how much she loves me. She told me that she was headed there to meet her that week and she no longer wants anything to do with her and thanked me profoundly, telling me I reached out to a stranger like nobody really does.

    A week later she found her other target in LA. Insisted they connect and within a week of knowing and not meeting, she already loved her. Within a week of meeting, they were engaged and my ex’s kids were the girls. Who is even younger. The posts are very obsessive and obvious. And she uses her new girl to give my things to and duplicate exact pictures we took together in the same places and positions. It is creepy.

    One of the most healing things that happened was at the very beginning of the year, a girl connected with me as friends. We chatted extensively and she asked what happened with my ex. I told her I don’t share much anymore, as with her being charming and doing all she does, nobody believes me. She said, “I am good friends with her ex, so not only do I believe you, I know.”

    That was a first. It is still a process. I am more afraid than I have ever been. Have questions about myself running through my head during any given conversation that I have never had before. Before her, people would always comment on my “energy” and “light.” I am not tooting my own horn, it was just honestly a common statement. Once in a great while, I may hear something like it. But I would do anything to go back to being that girl again. Without the questions. I know it will happen eventually. But some things stick. When you are exposed to something like this after not knowing something like it existed, it changes you for good.

    • hamiltonjanet@hotmail.com'
      Reanna
      July 27, 2013

      I can so relate to everything you have written here. My ex used to lock me out of the house too. I totally forgot. I would leave to get space and clear my head, always taking my dogs with me, I guess I knew I wasn’t safe. And he would lock me out most of the time or I just couldn’t go back to the house. I must have spent over 20 nights in the freezing cold without blankets in the car staring at the stars praying for my life back. The sick part. I started leaving blankets in the car “just in case” I had to stay the night in the car. I can’t believe. I actually came to a place of feeling that storing blankets in the car “just in case” was normal in a relationship…omg..For me I was always trying to get the love back, the adoration, the care I felt in the beginning which now I know was fake. It’s still rough, but I can tell you a year after leaving and no contact..I’m healing and feeling more and more of my power and self love returning. It’s definitely a journey I never expected to be on. Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me read it tonight and remember how truly awful it was. I felt like my innocence was taken away too and I hope I can trust again to be in a healthy relationship.

      • itznotsamwich@gmail.com'
        Jackie
        July 28, 2013

        Reanna, thank you for your reply. When someone can relate or when someone says reading your story helped, it at least makes it feel like something worthwhile can at least come from such an awful experience. I am sorry you went through that. Sleeping in the car like that when someone you thought cared is just inside feeling nothing of it and having nobody to reach out to is definitely one of the loneliest experiences in the world. I came to realize that that kind of being alone is a lot more lonelier than actually being alone. Because simply being alone is not lonely.
        You were right on with the hoping the beginning would show again. That is mostly why I stayed, too. I am big on forgiveness and giving the benefit of the doubt and I kept thinking if the person I met displayed what I saw, surely it has to be there somewhere. Surely it can happen again. And now I realize fake is the right word for it too.
        They have the ability to justify and minimize like nothing I have ever seen. It is only that I am out of it and witnessing what I am seeing and hearing what I am hearing that I look back and realize how incredibly huge the things were that she did.
        I actually had to ask a cop to tell her to stop contacting me as the last attempt to get her to stop.

  • suflowerinjuly82@gmail.com'
    Maya
    July 27, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I have one important and quick question. With my fiance who has narc tendancies, when im self loving and self respecting in my own self, he seems almost scared of me, and is doted loving adoring and mirroring my level of self love and is happy, peaceful without me giving almost anything back.

    When Im going through an emotional rough patch and issues of abandonement, betrayal and things I got from living with a narc mother come up, he mirrors that as well and is disconnected, critical and punishing and whatever he gives he expects payback. Can you please explain this and if this constitutes NPD, his narcissim only appears when Im feeling “weak” so to speak and he mirrors my childhood wounds which im trying to heal through quanta. thanks Mel.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 27, 2013

      Hi Maya,

      this is a good question.

      Anyone can be ‘unconscious’ and not a wonderful partner at times…And absolutely in any relationship ‘your stuff’ may trigger someone else’s ‘stuff’…or the difficulty of staying ‘present’.

      Every relationship constitites this to varying degrees. This is how relationships offer incredible opportunities for personal growth. In fact we should all welcome the ability to grow and have a partner reflect back to us what we need to heal – that is the most loving gift within a relationship.

      But here is the clanger. NPD behaviours are NOT OKAY at any time…because normal people with any sense of conscience cannot even imagine doing those acts let alone executing them. Their sense of morality just doesn’t make it possible.

      These behaviours constitute pathological lying, maliscious punishment (such as name calling, abuse by proxy), smear campaigns and often adulterous pathological behaviour.

      And THEN accusing the victim of exactly what they have thought, said and done by constructing the most incredible justifications possible.

      Also when arguing does he degenerate to using allies, and doing the significant twists and turns on the arguing list?

      You have to be honest, you have to self-reflect and you really do need to feel into and identify ‘what is mine’ and ‘what is his’.

      If he does not DO those acts then he does not have NPD. However, one day he might – and if he ever did act out any of those actions and have absolutely no consciousness to take responsibility for those actions, then you would KNOW he has NPD.

      Mel xo

  • jenniferkoladin@yahoo.com'
    Jennifer
    July 27, 2013

    After reading Melanie’s blog post, I want readers to know what there are lesbian narcissists, too. It’s not just heterosexual men who prey on female victims. Women – lesbians – do it to other women, too. I’m sure there are plenty of NPDs in the LGBT community. (I experienced the abuse, and now I have such a hard time doing No Contact w/my ex partner who I felt was my total soul mate.) The comprehensive list of NPD behaviors Melanie included in this article is incredible and accurate. If you’re seeing a lot of those in your partner, see them as red flags especially if you’re beginning to feel feelings that don’t feel right. Trust your intuition. I would just recommend to anyone who thinks he or she may be experiencing abuse by a narcissistic partner – no matter what sexual orientation – to get to a safe place for yourself, and then begin do the work on self because this abuse can happen to ANYONE. So, gay and lesbian people who might be visiting this blog and reading Melanie’s words – you’re not alone. Remember to put yourself first. I’m new at this myself after a good 2 years of abuse where my personality has changed (to my disgust) to resemble that of my ex partner, the narcissist. I’m beginning the process of healing – a step at a time using Melanie’s programme. I felt so alone and like I was going crazy for those two years. Reach out and support will be there.

  • Colfamily@hotmail.com'
    Donna
    July 27, 2013

    Melanie i really hope that you can bring this to the publics attention. Especially the police and counsellors who really have no idea what they are dealing with. I am trying to move on after a 22 year marriage to my husband who is text book a NPD, every single thing mentioned has happened to me and he is still stalking me, but yet the police won’t/can’t/don’t know how to deal with these situations. I am being dragged through the courts on bogus criminal charges, thanks to his in-built witness (the new girlfriend who I think is also NPD). They even gave him a VRO against me even though he just made up lies, lies and more lies and the girlfriend was his witness. But yet I had pages and pages of text messages containing death threats, stalking, harassment etc and all I get told is its unsavoury behaviour!! You feel so alone and totally feel like you are going crazy and the police and counsellors really have no idea how recognise or spot these type of people. There needs to some sort of mandatory training for police and counsellors in dealing with these individuals because sadly at the moment the only people who know what this feels like are us ‘victims’. Yes we are victims and we do need help, help to move from victim to survivor but if you can’t get help from those that you first turn to in an emergency what do you do? You feel yet again violated and victimised. So Melanie my love and support is behind you 100% and I will be there cheering loudly every time I hear NPD mentioned. Lets all bring this to the forefront of everyone’s mind and put an end to the abuse of women and children. Xoxoxo

  • rbakle1960@roadrunner.com'
    Rhonda
    July 27, 2013

    This is MY LIFE story–37 years of tormet and abuse–I had not a clue what I was up against until I found this blog and a wonderful therapist–I am 53 years old but my life BEGAN 16 months ago when I threw my husband out. I have bought my OWN house,my OWN car,eat where and when I want and i am happy,confident,secure and no longer full of fear. And I told my husband at our first court date “I AM NOT KEEPING ANYMORE SECRETS…” and they ALL came out…and as they did I became lighter and freer and I hold my head up high because the only thing i did wrong was love someone that didn’t DESERVE my love!
    STAY STRONG!! I was with him from 15 1/2 until 52 and if i can move on and be happy SO CAN YOU!

    • jenniferkoladin@yahoo.com'
      Jennifer
      July 28, 2013

      Thank you Rhonda for what you wrote especially the part about you not being willing to keep any secrets any more. thank you.

  • Stellaozza@yahoo.co.uk'
    Stella Osborne
    July 27, 2013

    This article describes my ex with every single word. I escaped the relationship 18 months ago although he still makes contact regularly and won’t cut ties. (Another trait of a narcissist) ..been 2 weeks since I heard from him last though, which is a long time for him! ..I can only assume he has a new focus for the time being.
    I had such a lucky escape after putting up with him for nearly 5 years! ..life is so much better now. :0) ..he will never change.

  • jorika8@gmail.com'
    Jan
    July 28, 2013

    Thanks Mel, I have been onto doing this every since you helped me through my encounter> worst experience of my life and its taken me every program you have put out for me to get my life back. I had a really attractive person, who was the worst of the worst. I have met some of these Narc who are with my friends, I now send your internet address to everyone. V|Cheers Mel for your great work, I’m in Tassie so as many people I can help with this knowledge I will.
    love Jan

  • lmaynard8@bigpond.com'
    anon
    July 28, 2013

    Dear Mel

    I have been sharing your website address with many people since I first found it, as I saw and felt your work has so much to offer everyone.

    Do you think, that a collective world of us as healed, healthy boundary functioners, will have a impact on the nasties that seem to over dominate our systems of Governments, Corporations and wars? I do, so I really hope that all the people who can assist in the message spreading at the highest level in the fastest way get on board.

    Mental Health is a personal right. Spiritual being is my soul purpose. I chose to lend it out as my self esteem wasn’t that grand.

    Bullies and Nasties take note: No more. We are just fine without you.

  • chronicfatigueshop@hotmail.com'
    Karol
    July 28, 2013

    Hi Mel
    He tells my children that I am the one that is mad and my children believe him. I am so tired of his games, he is so exhausting, he has me tied up in financial connections with business and a house that wont sell, its been 2 years, I am at my wits ends. I understand the importance of moving away from the feeling like a victim, but he is so good at throwing me into the bottomless pit. Just when I think the cage is open he does something else. Its such a constant bombardment. And he uses my children and that destroys my soul. 25 year marriage, I am determined to survive. And to help others.

  • missnadinelouise@hotmail.com'
    Nadine
    July 29, 2013

    Hi Melanie, I have been receiving your newsletters for about the last 6 months. I was sure my ex/partner is a narcicist… But we have had time apart and I’m getting back together with him… I’m wondering if he ever really was or whether he just has a few N ways about him… And our timing was just all really bad as i was still with someone when i met him, so i did things wrong in the very first place, then he reacted to what i did?? Will the program help me??? I’m confused now…

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 29, 2013

      Hi Nadine,

      It is really normal to be confused when you are still peptide addicted to a narcissist, and to find cognitive resonance (excuses) to exonerate one.

      Nadine if he acts out the behaviours I have put in this article he is 100% NPD REGARDLESS of what he professes to be.

      If this is him – then going back you will discover things get MUCH worse and not better – and hopefully you don’t have to experience that – but you may need to in order to finally stay out once and for all…(I hope not for your sake)..

      NARP is all about empowering yourself – and many people have worked it successfully whilst still in the relationship.

      Truly all of us KNEW when we went back – we felt it – we knew deep inside what the truth was….we just didn’t listen.

      Hugs and prayers.

      Mel xo

  • bstewart626@hotmail.com'
    Elizabeth
    July 29, 2013

    Being involved with a narcissist is the stickiest situation you will ever find yourself in. I am free for over a year now, still have very limited but not yet ‘No Contact’ as I have heard stories from other people how he reacted to his first wife’s no contact rule. Fortunately, I am getting stronger every day, thanks to Melanie and this blog spot. I also almost lost two jobs because of him (he worked at both sites, too) Then I outsmarted him by getting a job where he’ll never work, because you need a clear criminal record! After that, I moved out with the help of my wonderful daughter, who saw a lot more than I ever could in that situation. Only advice I’m capable of giving at this point – stay strong and hang in there! You’ll have ups and downs for sure, but day by day you will see how much better life if without a narcissist.

  • louisevirviniareed33@gmail.com'
    Louise
    July 29, 2013

    I have found much strength through learning about NPD. I am 7 months into the “divorce” process, and it has been so full of lies, deception, manipulation of children, and non-verbal threats that I have to practice A LOT of “no contact” practices! Thank you for sharing

  • Cbakerrn@yahoo.com'
    Colleen
    July 29, 2013

    Every single word describes my former NARC. I spent 27 years with this pathological liar. He managed to devalue and discard me with his adultery, all while he launched a smear campaign against me under his facade of reasonableness. This man is so sick and vindictive that he sold my family cemetery plot (after we were divorced) without my knowledge or consent. There is actually a body buried in my plot! I can’t even be buried with my mother, father and siblings. A well known best selling author and authority on abuse, said, “He wants to erase your existence” Now, I’m faced with the horror of his terror and try to legally undo his vindictive evil.

  • tanya_as_self@hotmail.com'
    Tanya Scott
    July 29, 2013

    Hi Melanie, Thank you so much for this article that spells out to people what Narcissicm really is and how it impacts on victims and their families. I found your website 17 months ago and it was a god send after telling the ex NARC to leave as he was ‘scoping’ out a mistress as he wasn’t getting enough sex and I wasn’t the party girl anymore. An acquantaince of mine who know my ex also told me about your website and she also told me that she knew my ex was a NARC. She was so pleased I’d ended it. However, at the time she didn’t tell me what she knew. Maybe if she had have I would have ended the relationship years earlier. Knowledge is power. It took me 5 years to work out he wasn’t just an alcoholic, but a mysoginst, had a porn and sex addiction not to mention all the co-dependent behaviours that he displayed. It all came together when I started researching narcissicm. I was horrified with what I found. The road to recovery has been painful and healing. Your work, understanding, level of expertise and empathy have helped me to move from being a victim to surviving and into thriving. I made a vow to myself that I would not stay silent about the hideous abuse that narcissists inflict. If people ask me why I separated I tell them the truth about my journey, that my journey is common, that the shock phase upon separating is not like normal grief and loss. It is mind shattering and it takes time to recover from this kind of relationship. I work in human services and don’t believe in being silent about abuse. I have written an article about my story which is published on a friend’s women’s website, have almost finished a book about my experience and the road to recovery. I hope I can support others into their recovery. I know that probably 70% to 80% of either pscyhological and/or physical domestic and family violent relationships are because the perpetrator is a narcissist and won’t change. People need to understand about narcisscm particularly that the narc has no empathy. If they get this and understand that, it can help them realise why the narc can’t change. It is my belief that young adolescent men and women need to be taught about healthy and unhealthy relationships at high school. They need to know the ‘red flags’ and understand that the charming romeo that promises true love could potentially be their worst nightmare. They need to know what a boundary is and if they struggle setting them why, so they can work on themselves and look at their familial patterns. The chain needs to be broken. I wish I’d known this before I enetered into the 8 year relationship I had. Yes, there is a gift once you move into recovery, one of loving self and setting boundaries and being authentic, but it comes at a high price, one that if people were educated about they could choose what they wanted to do. At this time on the planet, spiritually I feel that victims of NARC abuse have a soul purpose to spread the word and tell the truth with their heads held high. I am up for the challenge and more than happy to be on the journey to telling the truth with you and every other survior of NARC abuse. In love and light Tanya

  • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
    Melanie Tonia Evans
    July 29, 2013

    Hi everyone,

    I am so inspired by so many of your posts, and incredibly selfless motivations – as a result of what you have suffered – to get the word out and help others…

    Truly we all live in an incredible time on this planet – a time when the shadows can be brought into the light – when illusions, agendas and False Selves can be exposed – and truth can be revealed.

    The real mess of abuse that so much of society has not wanted to look at, or take responsibility for.

    I agree wholeheartedly with so many of you – we can stand up, be real, proud and help to evolve the consciousness of people and future generations – by using exposure to help put an end to the cycles of pain, deceit, abuse and terror.

    Thank you for your support from the bottom of my heart.

    Mel xo

  • simonh_4059@yahoo.com'
    Simon H
    July 29, 2013

    I will say at the outset this is the MALES version of living with a NPD-8 for 6 dreadful years of mental and financial torture…. I specifically started a new thread here to get important feedback on a little discussed issue that can make a ordinary NPD doubly and extremely extremely dangerous…

    I absolutely agree with Melanie…its as if this what makes NPD so alluring, attractive and innocently like a little girl…almost the perfect bait being set to snare the next victim…My ex was petite, very attractive and in her early 30′s CHINESE from HUNAN…Jenny looked like 18…Melanie’s descriptions meaning ALL TRAITS was nearly a perfect match to a tee…when i discovered after 2 painful years she was very severe NPD… [the 23 point list she qualified with at-least 21]…it was too late for me to easily escape….she had done good job on me, despite me trying to see a psychologist at one point who did NOT understand NPD…to the point she started to defend her behavior… this sent me away crazier than before…

    I battled on for another 4 years…nearly destroyed me…feelings of suicide were my lot for a time…She with her mother, sister and secret friends…I was outnumbered and desperate to find some sanity….No one understood till I discovered this Website and other websites and started playing Utube videos over and over again….to try to reverse the brain washing, severe and silent emotional abuse…she financially blackmailed me into giving her a large amount of money [over 100k] in little sums…nothing or no amount would satisfy her increasing and unpredictable demands…in the end I had no choice to end it and literally run away to another country to get away from her retributions and vicious verbal abuse…I know she had cheated on me with at-least 2 men and quite possibly some women…I was tormented and diminished and really nowhere to turn…I was crying behind my sunglasses on the plane when I made my escape…I type this statement from the country I ended up…She done a real good number on me…Each time she starts a new relationship…from her first husband on…it’s as if she is honing her skills and scheming tactics…becoming more crafty with her pathological lying and trickiness…I was never any match coupled with cunning high IQ and chameleon nature…

    I strongly believe she suffered also with CROSS CULTURAL NARCISSISM….which made her doubly much more dangerous…Jenny had this intrinsic belief she and all her cohorts were distinctly superior to my country…over time her air of superiority became worse and increasingly abusive and irritating…like she had this invisible wall around her…you could never beat her in an argument…like someone hear said like trying to fight fire with a towering inferno…she threatened to report me to the Chinese Embassy Legal Branch to report the “so-called” abuse she in “her own sick way” claimed I did to her…she was keeping all my emails, texts, photos as evidence…meanwhile scamming me for another 2k…I became frightened by the unknown consequences of what I said or what I thought I imagined I remembered…Completely mixed up I became…She said she had told everything to her solicitor, her mother and friends…It was as if I was in a relationship with a whole army of people embassy officials co-workers etc

    I will finish by saying notwithstanding the taunts, name calling, gaslighting, projections etc etc….the thing that made her most dangerous was behind this petite, cute, pretty, alluringly innocent veneer…her distinct pathological lack of empathy, and her ability to fake emotions/love/tears made her extremely dangerous and unpredictable…I know now she didn’t ever love me, but saw me as an object to be used and a “human ATM machine” …which is the only way to describe it…

    I also suffered with a passive aggressive alcoholic father damaged badly in WWII [deceased] and what I know now reading the posts here a pathological NPD and food addicted mother emotionally abusive and violent behavior…I was Mr nice guy trained from an early age to be irrationally loyal to and highly tolerant of and co=dependent with NPD types and what can be dished out…I am still here licking my wounds…I am still quite a mess….probably will stay till I recover a bit…Meanwhile worried she may break into my Unit and do more damage…

    Anyway I hope if some man reads this story they may feel they are not alone…I greatly appreciate Melanie’s Blogs etc …I have to constantly replace the word He with She …however nevertheless I will carry on…One day recover myself…

  • johnc@tbati.com.au'
    john
    July 30, 2013

    Guys I am so glad to find you – Melanie you are an inspiration. Simon H thank you for your words.

    I am a male and have only recently begun to understand that I have been in an narcissistic relationship and marriage for seventeen years. It was my second marriage and I don’t really know if the first one was narcissistic but it certainly was abusive too.

    Reading the information on this website is like reading a biography of that time and of how I’m trying to cope now. All of those beliefs that somehow you can get closure, hanging on until they’re better, trying desperately to fix them, they do really love you it will just take a bit more time – and then bang somehow you wake up.

    Yes Melanie I can’t believe it either I woke up and sat bolt upright in my bed one morning with the words narcissistic personality disorder ringing over and over in my head. I had to grab my phone straight away and start searching the net. I couldn’t believe what I was reading – it wasn’t just me.

    She’s gone, left yesterday to stay with her mum for a while, she’s not coming back I didn’t realise what a good thing that is. I’m scared, sad and lost but I have discovered why I let it happen to me. So now I just have to try to recover. I could relate my story in more detail but it would just be a repeat of what has been written here countless times. I am still trying to come to grips with the shock that all that effort, anguish, trauma, belief that was me,I needed to be better person, to try harder,to love more, she couldn’t really be a bad person…phew…!

    And yes Simon I should have seen it coming – she says one of her other partners said ‘she was easily satisfied with the best of everything’ – I now understand what that really means. Yes she was younger than me,athletic, sporty,a looker, charming when getting supply,can talk up her own ability no end and I believed it yet depended on me to fix up the mess and I did it time and time again – and I continued to blindly make excuses.

    I am struggling to figure out how to do the no contact (its easy while she wants to do that and yes I can now se hoe she has always used that to keep me hooked) – we have business interests together and I need to try to salvage something from investment in that (yes another classic she is brilliant but the male dominated misogynist world wont let her be successful). I could go on….

    I’m sure you will be hearing more from me as I a just embarking on the healing journey…

    thanks Melanie…

    • jer_ika@yahoo.com'
      Erika Duritsky
      August 4, 2013

      John I just want to say that I am happy that you have the courage to post here about your situation. When I think of a Narcissistic person I jump straight to thinking of a man, but that is very wrong of me. Women can be the same way and just as abusive, if not more. I am sorry for what you went through and I pray you heal!
      Erika

  • bryanherb@gmail.com'
    H
    July 30, 2013

    I am still trying to figure out if I was dating a narcissist or not. This is a gay relationship. We met and moved in together in lightning speed, and lived together for 1.5 years. I was really, really happy. Still, there were some weird things. When we started dating, he said, “I am not the type of person to say, “I love you” a lot.
    During the whole time we dated, if we ever had an argument, he NEVER was wrong, and never to blame. I never have heard him say, “I’m sorry” even when he was clearly in the wrong. When I went through tough times while we were together, he may have helped me figure out what could be done to fix the situation, but there was absolutely no empathy at all, and if I was stressed or anxious about the situation, he seemed really annoyed.
    He also didn’t like several of my friends.
    I always had a hard time totally trusting him… it just felt like in some ways he could simply “do away” with the relationship pretty easily. Hard to explain.
    Then, a few months before we ended, I asked him if he would initiate sex more, because it was me doing the initiating 95% of the time…He followed that with, “Well, what I need is for us to have sex with other people (three-ways) and if you can’t do that, we are not going to go long term. I was really hurt, and partly by his ambivalent attitude about it. I was crazy about him, and we seemed to have one of those relationships where people said, “What’s their secret.” I couldn’t imagine putting an ultimatum on him.
    Over the next few months, I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. I know he needed “space” and so I gave that to him. I even started seeing a therapist myself to see what BS I was bringing into the relationship. For instance, I blamed myself for not trusting him, because I had never caught him in a lie or anything, so I figured the issue must be mine.
    I thought that maybe he was stating what he wanted in an effort to just not cheat, and three-ways are so common in gay culture that I thought, “he is just really honest about what he needs, and really has my back after all”. Then, via text message he unilaterally canceled a major vacation we had planned, even though I already had my tickets and we had both committed. I realized then that he didn’t really have my back.
    He ended up wanting to take a last minute trip with his family instead. I asked him how long we’d have to be together until “we” mattered as much as the rest of his family. He said “never”. When we broke up, I do know that he told friends that he felt “smothered” and then told them other things that didn’t really make sense or add up.

    What throws me off, is that he doesn’t seem to be the “taker” that other people describe here. And, he is really likable. He is even somewhat civic minded, but lately I am wondering how much this is for show.

    He was so nice, supportive, affectionate, and helpful when we first started, and then that ended, and he just seemed so resentful about spending time with my friends, resentful when we would clean the house, etc.

    I guess I wonder if my insecurities, and “smothering” caused him to really pull away, not prioritize us, and want sex with other people, or if I was with a narcissist and that is why I felt what I felt.

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 30, 2013

      Hi H,

      Okay some points here…there are actually many narcissists who can appear ‘wonderful’ and ‘you couldn’t find a nicer person’ in between narcissitic bouts.

      What makes me think that he may not be fully blown NPD is that you have not seen the point blank disgusting behaviour that the narcissist is capable of.

      However there defintley are aspects here that seem very detached, selfish and ‘cold’ and they are all narcissistic traits.

      However you have stated he started ‘switching off’…and narcs do, or if he is not a narc he just started to pull away…and that can happen with non-narcs too – who are not evolved enough to communicate authentically, connect to true intimacy, and ask for what is needed to honour self and the relationship healthily…

      What is always very important to understand is that we always receive the results (the fears) of our own inner programs. And this is where we can start looking at our own patterns – and whether or not the relationship was narcissistic – your needs weren’t meant.

      If people ‘pull away’ this is always a sign of our own problems in loving and accepting ourselves unconditionally – because the ‘outside’ is simply reflecting that back.

      In short it means we were not aligned with our own inner being.

      One thing is for sure – is that we can’t control a relationship that didnt work or isn’t working – and we can’t make someone love us if they decide not to…it’s not their job – it is actually our own.

      When we connect to ourselves healthily, we will match up with, create and maintain relationships with individuals who will love us unconditionally.

      I hope this helps, and that this relationship experience can assist you to heal and grow.

      Mel xo

  • toverduin@bigpond.com'
    Tatiana
    July 30, 2013

    Hi Mel, I have tried so many times to have faith in the ‘goodness’, the possibilities of a better future with my partner of many years, forgiving, absolving and trying to love but it just doesn’t work. The cycle of abuse just comes back and is beginning to intensify with my partners age. I feel enormous compassion for him and I pity that he will be left alone and miserable but the best thing I can do right now is no contact so as to care for myself and be able to function in a healthy way in life. My codependency is finally breaking away as I continue to have more compassion on myself and refuse to take the narcissistic abuse anymore. I’m now growing wiser as I continue to connect with my inner identity gaining greater empowerment and strength in myself. Thanks for your constant encouragement.

  • l99@mac.com'
    Lucy
    July 31, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I have been researching on this topic over the internet for quite some time now.

    Like everyone else, I found your website the most informative and helpful on what narcissism is. At the beginning I only got to sites that share very simple and generic details, which can apply to a lot of people with slight narcissistic traits. It took over a period of 3 month on/off searching to hit your site. I really hope this gets to a wider audience.

    Just to share a bit about my story, I am not the type who believes love at first sight and usually very careful and like to take my time with things. I met someone last year and felt an incredibly strong connection right at the beginning with this person, it felt like if everything he displayed was real, he would be everything I ever wanted in a man. I found it extremely difficult to hold back and pace myself. But at the same time I just had a gut feeling it was too good to be true. Thank goodness I forced myself not to dive right in, because at least when the bad behaviours started to show even though they were so hurtful, I can still pull out.

    I have never met anyone quite like that before and was not sure what I was dealing with as he is highly intelligent, therefore I started some searches over the net. The behaviour traits are spot on, even though I have no real proof of him lying, somethings you just know with your woman’s instinct. Your site is exactly what I needed to confirm my suspicions and make a call before I waste any more time to let this person back to trot on my heart and emotions.

    Thank you so much!

    x

  • puregold@charter.net'
    Helen Seubert
    August 1, 2013

    Very informative article.

  • DevilsWin2003@aol.com'
    Marie D
    August 1, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    I was in a 4.5 month relationship with a man that I believe to be an altruistic narcissist with at least 2-3 months of the honeymoon period/love bombing before things unraveled. Like many readers I found your website after searching for some sort of answer or rationalization of what just happened to me. I had the sense to walk away after one incident of narcissistic rage that included a verbal assault via text messages, avoiding contact or communication, blaming me for everything that was going wrong in the relationship, bringing up my past against me, etc.

    However, it is amazing how toxic these people are as even after walking away, I felt this person “under my skin” as you described, my mind and emotions a whir trying to figure out what just happened and why. Even after a relationship of just a few short months I felt completely drained and shell shocked, unlike any other relationship I had ever been in.

    Thanks to the resources on this site I have come to understand what this disorder is and take comfort in knowing that the instincts I felt all along – all those red flags, the literal discomfort in my body, and finally my decision to walk away – were spot on! I have learned to honor myself, have the confidence to know what is right for me and walk away from anything that does not serve me. Thank you Mel!

  • Deborahnfox@gmail.com'
    Deborah
    August 1, 2013

    I just wanted to thank you for the resources available through your site. I found your site last fall when I was coming to the traumatizing that I had been in a relationship with a narcissist for most of my youth. I saw many signs and thought they family character traits that would change once we married and had a family. I though my light would rub off on him. I was so wrong. I realize now he was attracted to the light within me. At the age of 16 he pursued me until I succumbed to his charm. 24 years later all my fears, all my red flags that I didn’t have physical proof for cane to light as I starred to tap into my intuition and pray for clarity. All of the verbal, physical and financial abuse were out in the open and I had to decide to process, forgive myself because I was so upset with myself for staying for do many years, I had to forgive him and then let him go. I’m thankful to be two weeks away from finalizing my divorce. Your site allowed me to see that I was not alone. By reading other victims stories I realized that there was a purpose we all went through this, and its to really heal our own unhealed parts so that we can grow. Given that realization my life has improved ten fold and I’ve attracted only people into my life who are spiritual and match my morals. Thankful to You, God, friends and family to be at this place in my life.

  • Ibta@aol.com'
    Tori
    August 4, 2013

    Thank you everyone for your stories. They are indeed encouraging. I was dumped by a N in June. I had no idea what was going before that time. I began to start to think clearly when he decided not to go to a planned function. The time not seeing my ex N allowed me to research the web, finding many great articles. I wanted to kick myself for not acting on the red flags. My gut was talking to me, and I didn’t listen. I was critized, asked to dress differently. I questioned him and made several comments, but still didnt understand the crazy making going on. The last day I saw my ex N was June 2,2013. I told him do not contact me. Well, I have been NC for 12 days now. The longest thus yet. He called yesterday. Wow the N don’t give up. I am so happy to be empowered by everyone contributing to this blog.
    Tori

  • jer_ika@yahoo.com'
    Erika Duritsky
    August 4, 2013

    I would like to say that until reading the newsletter from Melanie Evans I did not know the name for what I was going through. I knew that something was wrong but I couldn’t quite figure out what my husband’s problem was. He was very loving in the beginning just like Melanie said. About a year in I got pregnant, that is when the abuse started. I guess he felt that he officially owned me at this point. They treat you as if you are their property. Everything is about them, even if it means putting themselves before their kids. It is a shame what we go thorough when you love a N. I dealt with it from my husband on and off for 14 years. He cheated, lied, and all the while he was accusing me. He put cameras up in my home to watch me while he was gone. It got really bad before I got the courage to leave. I hope all of you can share this and every other story with someone who may be in an abusive relationship with a Narcissist.

  • mattmiller1209@gmail.com'
    Matt
    August 7, 2013

    Thanks for this comprehensive article. I’m not sure if I’m relieved to know that I’m not alone, or sad to know that so many people are like my wife.

    My wife left without warning and filed for divorce two months ago. She provided no logical reason why. She gave plenty of reasons, none of which made any sense, and she just kept making up new ones each time I explained why the previous one made no sense. Our 10-year anniversary was approaching, with more than 16 years together. I had long ago realized that she had a tendency to lie and that she had an unusually large ego. She works in a fairly obscure, niche field, but in that field she has enough of a reputation to often be asked to speak at various conferences/seminars around the country. She loves that attention, and I had always attributed her motivations to seek those kind of opportunities to be the sign of extreme self-confidence (after all, doesn’t it take confidence to speak in front of a room of professionals?). It’s only been in the last couple of weeks that I’ve realized how backwards that thinking is, and that she’s actually of very low self-esteem, the telltale sign being how she responds to criticism. I can’t remember ever receiving an apology from her during our entire 16 year relationship. The most puzzling example being just last year when she did something that could have severely shocked (if not electrocuted) me, and when I expressed anger at her carelessness she became insulted and angry at me. I spent a good portion of the following month trying to figure out what that reaction meant, given that she could have killed me. There isn’t a symptom on the NPD checklist that doesn’t describe her perfectly.

    It’s looking more and more like all I was to her was a source of financial security. Although she loves her job for the attention it gets her, it
    doesn’t pay as much, especially after considering what it has cost me in gas and other travel expenses to pay for her commute. Conversely, I hate my
    job, but it pays well and also has historically given me a lot of opportunity for overtime, which has paid virtually all of our bills, plus what I
    THOUGHT were most if not all of her personal expenses. Seeing her happy with her job made me happy, so I was able to bear the boredom of my job to
    provide for us. Well, in March or April I informed her that my work was slowing down, so I’d be making a lot less money this year, so we needed to
    start budgeting just a little bit (budgeting had almost never been asked of her). She responded by being angry at me for suggesting that she needed
    to spend less and it blew up into an argument. Two months later she was packing her things and filing for divorce. Since then, I’ve discovered
    that, despite me paying virtually EVERYTHING (I paid off our house 2 years ago, 22 years early), and her being responsible for virtually NOTHING
    (less than 10% of our monthly expenses, and NONE of the mortgage, when we had it, or any property taxes, etc.), she still managed to find a way to
    spend all of her income AND require the acquisition of 4 credit cards in her own name, without my knowledge, on which she accumulated tens of
    thousands in debt.

    So now I stand to lose half of everything I worked hard to provide for us (while she was living her dream job) and to be stuck with half of everything she ran up on her credit cards. The financial hit is going to be painful, but even worse is my inability to stop thinking about whether any part of our relationship was ever real. Thinking back, I can now easily recognize lots of red flags regarding her manipulation, potential infidelities, etc. At age 20, she was my FIRST date (she asked me out), while at age 21, she had already been engaged twice. I think she recognized my potential codependent characteristics and I recognized her need to be taken care of. I was a responsible, shy, nearly 4.0 student, while she was a hard-partying sorority girl who struggled with her classes and with financial responsibility. I guess I was naive to view this as two people providing qualities the other needed, when it’s apparent now that it was more about one person knowingly taking advantage of the other. Still, though, despite the red flags, we have great memories together. Whether they really meant anything to her or not, I guess I’ll never know. One of the other things that hurts to think about is what she has said to her family and friends about me. She wouldn’t have had the strength to leave without evoking support from those close to her, so I can only imagine what horrible things I’ve done to her……

  • LMAguirre2014@gmail.com'
    Smiling Again
    August 7, 2013

    Melanie,

    I gave myself a nickname for this post and I love that I am smiling again. Your website and emails literally saved me from destruction. I came across your website last October when I was getting ready to make the biggest mistake of my life to move with this man out of state, leaving everything I had worked so hard for and potentially losing my financial stability. I finally had enough of this man in May. I felt as if I was losing my mind but I knew I had to end things or I could potentially damage my boys emotionally and mentally. I told him no more communication and THIS TIME we had no further communication other than to acknowledge cancellation of a planned trip in May and June. This was mid May. I knew something was different and my emotions were hard to deal with but I did. I made myself strong and I am thankful I did. He posted something in July which indicated he was involved with another woman. I had felt it while we were together, that he could possibly be cheating on me. Two weeks after that, he posted a picture of her hand with an engagement ring. He had told me there was no rush to get married, I had two boys and he said he was done raising his kids however he was now engaged. He did me a favor and I thank God I am still here with my boys. He had a backup plan because as we know Narcs can’t be alone. The post I saw from him was exactly what I had heard him say to me in the past, only now he is saying it to someone else. As I recall everything that happened in the last six years with him, it all makes sense. He played a very good part in the beginning like the Narcs do and I fell for all of it. I am finally free of it all and am embracing every emotion I need to and am very ok being alone. In the process, I’ve learned a lot about myself and am working to not allow this to happen again. I am praying to see how God wants to use me for all that I have learned, to give back to others, young ladies, teaching them what is acceptable, what is not, the red flags, to love yourself first!
    Thanks Melanie!

  • trnmelus@gmail.com'
    Steve
    August 8, 2013

    I recently dated a girl who confused the hell out of me. I had her try on engagement rings and she picked out the ring. After our relationship ended she said that she had never wanted to be engaged. When I proposed she stated. “Say it again because it’s so romantic”. She was very critical and could find nothing right with me. When I’d confront her there was always a “reason”. The reason usually was due to something I had done wrong. She felt very entitled, was never appreciative and was what I even told her “void of all empathy”. I found her reactions to be very outlandish to even the slightest transgressions. She attempted to turn my parents against me and suggested that my friends were surprised that a girl like her would be with me. Her emails to me were “flavor of the month” variety, which changed to suit the occasion. The only “constant” regarding her emails were that they always would favor her. It was interesting that she tried to blame a car accident she had on me because she was depressed. I was 100 miles away from her at the time of the accident.
    One thing I learned. You can trap a narcissist by simply allowing them to state lies over and over (especially via email). I worked from the premise that the false pride and lies would represent in the emails. They did, as contradictory statements over time. Again “flavor of the month”. It takes s lot of self control to allow the statements to go unchallenged at the time they are written. Over time I was able to present the contradictory statements to her. They went unanswered.
    Thanks for your sharing Melanie

  • wendy@wienscellars.com'
    Dubs
    August 8, 2013

    It is truly amazing how all of this Narcissism abuse is so text book. My Ex (of 2.5 years) has all of the traits described in Mel’s Blog…EVERYTHING! The way he communicated and argued with me is to the tee of this description. After almost 5 months of NO CONTACT, today I finally deleted every text message, email and picture I ever had of him. I am so greatful I had my wits about me to never live with, marry or get into any financial commitment with him. I still have my own life and it looks so bright and awesome! Mel you are a lifesaver and could not have gotten through this 5 months without you and the strength you give me everyday on your FB, blog and radio show…I am finally FREE!!!!!!

  • jandm2009xo@gmail.com'
    Joni
    August 9, 2013

    Thank you for all of the information you have provided on Narcissism. I honestly felt like I was going insane! Even my closest friends could not understand what I was going through and why I could not just move on. I felt so alone. This has been going on for almost 5 years now. I went to a counselor and she said it sounds like he has NPD so I started doing research and there is not a shred of doubt in my mind. Doing research on the subject has really helped me get over the hump and I am finally starting to feel better (most days). It is amazing how many people have the exact same story. It is like we are all talking about the same person! It is really helpful to see that it is the NPD and NOT something wrong with me.

  • ssjgomes@gmail.com'
    Sandy
    August 10, 2013

    Smiling again I am so glad that you were saved before you made the mistake….

    I was no so lucky I did make that mistake and I am paying dearly for that……

    I have always been such a positive lively person….but 8 years later I am but a shadow of what I was due to this biggggggg mistake I made…..

    I have moved countries with this person I am isolated from everything and everyone….working in a job that is not paying enough to support myself and my little one……

    It is a nightmare that I am fighting to get out off……it is so socking how one bad disicion can take your life from being great to the worst nightmare ever…..

    The lies the abuse the isolation the inferior treatment….will take its toll…….

  • demiccoassunta@hotmail.com'
    Brown Eyes
    August 17, 2013

    Melanie, It’s been a year I ended a long and painful relationship with someone I adored for a very long time. My 10 year story is nothing short of pain, loss, betrayl, humilation, broken promises, lost hope and sacrifises that one shouldn’t have to make for love. Then having to come to terms that you were literally nothing to the Narcissist. Dreams lost, visions betrayed, families torn apart, abadonned and left to deal with nothing but memories that were never real to begin with. Many people have suffered because of this union I chose to desperately hold to, my children, my exhusband, my family and friends. I’m sorry for the pain me loving him has caused them. It took the hands of God to hold me up when I FINALLY learned what I was really dealing with. Without being guided to your website last year, I would never have made it this far. Your weekly posts provide clarity of who he was, who I am, strength to keep moving forward and slowly a bigger sense of peace each week. While the journey of recovery is a very slow one when you truly loved someone and were building your life aroung them, knowing the truth has saved my life and that of my children. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for making us feel sane in a very insane time of our lives.

  • ginadestafney@comcast.net'
    Gina
    August 18, 2013

    Hi Mel! Having started your modules, I understand so much about the relationship I had with this Narc and have continued nc for over 3 months. I experienced the love bombing and within a week, discarded…this cycle continued for 4 yrs. After watching his other relationships from afar, I wonder how he manages to maintain a somewhat good relationship with two of his sons? He did not have good relations with his boys during their childhood…they were thrown out of his house if they broke his rules. Now that they are adults, they have managed to become friends. He claims he was never a “dad” to them but was a good “father” and provided for them. His one son is just like him and he has no contact with him. Do the other sons just tolerate him? They visit each other on occasion. Why doesn’t he devalue and discard them as he did me? Aren’t we all within his intimate circle and subject to the same treatment? So confused :/

  • Ginadestafney@comcast.net'
    Gina
    August 19, 2013

    Any insight would be helpful…thank you so very much Mel…bless you!

    • melanie@melanietoniaevans.com'
      Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 19, 2013

      Hi Gina,

      This is great that you are healing with NARP, and have been able to hold NC.

      Ok something you need to understand is that YOU represent an intimate love relationship, which is a direct ‘line’ back to his wounds with his parent or parents who abandoned or abused him.

      The unhealed wounds from parents directly match intimate partner relationships – so this is where he is highly triggered, which means where he is highly abusive.

      Most narcissists have very strange relationships with their children – where the words ‘I love you’ don’t match the actions – which are far from consistent – and often certainly not ‘loving’.

      His children ‘survived’ they did the best they could – and like most children WANT a relationship with their parent and will tolerate horrendous amounts of ‘the past’ to retain it..

      That’s what progeny just do.

      NOW what is SUPER important here is to get your focus off all of this – because at the end of the day, it is REALLY irrelevant, and thinking about ‘him’ and the way he loves others truly Gina has nothing to do with your wounds that you need to address and heal.

      And truly it is a distraction keeping you focused OFF doing the real inner work.

      Mel xo

  • Lsten1@cox.net'
    Leslie
    August 29, 2013

    I am so thankful for articles like this one. I had no idea what I was dealing with until just recently. I was with this man for a year and half and went through Hell. He was one who was “the charmer” in the beginning. We were going to have a future together, I was the one..But then the hot and cold started. He would disappear when I needed him after surgery and make up stupid excuses. After he disappeared, he would come back..this happened over and over again. Then the lies. I would blatantly catch him in a lie and he would not admit to it. In fact he blamed me for his lying! And if I ever dared to call him out on something he did wrong, the “turnaround game” started.

  • Lsten1@cox.net'
    Leslie
    August 29, 2013

    He never admitted any wrongdoing and blamed my moods for everything. He was very abusive by text and always said ” thank you for showing me who you really are”. He would ignore me for days or weeks and then just reappear out of nowhere. He spends way more money than he has and just loves money. I could go on and on…He has now made friends with my friends across the street and has helped them do renovation work around their house. In doing so, he has managed to make himself look good by helping them and trash me in the process. I cant get away from him. I’ve told him to stay away from me this time and have blocked his numbers and email. I hope this works, Thank you for the article and good luck to everyone! Ox

  • stevebrittain111852@yahoo.com'
    John
    September 23, 2013

    I can relate totally to Matt’s story.
    39 yrs of marriage to a woman i thought i knew,painfull as it was.I made the best of it but most importantly I honestly believed she loved me.
    Bi-polar/NPD/BPD-suddenly without warning informed me that she wanted a divorce five months ago.
    (She found her Prince Charming).
    She is not only ruining me financially,but feels entitled
    to everything.no conscience,no empathy-very,very cold hearted.
    And as typical of the disorder,everything is my fault and she’s doing her best to turn friends and relatives against me.
    If you are living with a NPD,or person with a disorder,leave as soon as possible and spare yourself any additional agony,they can not & will not change.
    I’m now in my 60′s and losing everything due to lawyers fees,court costs and credit debt that I was unaware of. These(disordered)people are heartless.

  • djlampkin@yahoo.com'
    Dana
    September 27, 2013

    My best childhood girlfriend is a narcissist. I am just now realizing this. Then I was married to one for 12 years. His mom is also one. Then I left him and a short time later married another one.

    I have been completely abuse free and narc free for two years. I suffer from complex PTSD and so do my twin 8 year old daughters. I found your videos on YouTube and did the healing for the first time Tuesday night before bed. I fell right to sleep. I had no nightmares. I woke up dry, not soaked in sweat. I didn’t vomit when I woke up like I usually do. I had no pain all day until about 5 pm. I felt more clear headed. I haven’t felt this good in years! Thank you so much. Nothing else I have tried gives me relief at all. You understand. You get it. Thank you. I am going to keep working at being a healthier me and helping my girls become healthy. I am so happy.

  • gcarel_18@yahoo.com'
    grace carel
    October 4, 2013

    Oh melanie.. I just dont know what I could have been without ur articles

  • k.gilraine@gmail.com'
    Kat
    October 20, 2013

    I only now found this. Where this has been, I don’t know, but am I ever glad to have found it.

    That’s my father in a nutshell. He’s a self-aggrandizing, “I’m never wrong”, “it’s not my fault”, mentally and physically abusive “human” who systematically wrecked the self-esteem of everyone in his family. My brother is, unfortunately, just like him, and where my father used his two Ph.D.s to justify his grandiose entitlements, my brother is now using his religion (which hasn’t even been a topic when he was younger) to do the same.

    I severed all ties with my father when I was 20. Save for a few emails where he tries to paint it like it’s all my fault for the fact I have no relationship with him (and he gets rebuked very firmly when he does that; his email was since blocked), I have no connection with him. Unfortunately, my mother “feels sorry” for him – when a lot of his problems are his own fault and none others – and stays in touch with him. It took me years to see that my mother was also a victim, and this came dangerously close to costing me my relationship with her. And she’s been married to him for 26 years before separating from him, but she’s not filing for divorce because, again, she ‘feels sorry’ for him.

    Which he knows and uses against her at every turn.

    I’m glad for this article, and I would like to know… what can I do for my mom? And what can she do to break free of this? Because he has her, still, to this day, believing that she doesn’t deserve any better than what she has. I live with her, he lives on his own, and I’m seeing what he does to her every day.

  • 3maeve@gmail.com'
    Nive
    November 22, 2013

    That really is a very accurate description of my narcissistic ex. Many times I actually felt like he was trying to drive me to suicide/mental breakdown that would end up in a psychiatric ward. He may have been a truly pathological version because he also:

    - used a virus on my computer to see what I’ve been writing and with this kind of software he could for example change many things on my computer remotely
    - he deliberately moved things around the house to make me feel like I was losing my mind, hid some things in his drawers when I needed them, intentionally made horrible mess or broke things leaving me to sort all this out myself
    - when I was depressed and on medication he said these exact words: “kill yourself, you know you want it… but remember about life insurance!”. Then later he would sometimes say “…life insurance, haha” and smile. All this skillfully mixed with messages of love, me being the most beautiful, perfect person, his soulmate, the one that truly understands him.
    - told me constantly that my friends are not real friends, that my family don’t care, that I’m childish and powerless

    This is just a little part of my long list and a warning to people who are in a similar relationship with a narcissist, but with no such obvious abusive behaviour. It can all escalate to a horrible nightmare.

    In the end, when I left him and started living on my own, after 6 months or so he said “I guess you were too strong for me, maybe you’re a hunter yourself, just like me”. A hunter. So obviously it wasn’t about love, was it.

  • Cath11110@aol.com'
    Kris
    December 10, 2013

    I too have experienced the same things described
    by all of you here. I do have one suggestion regarding
    validation of the crazy conversations we have all attempted to have with our N. partners for whY it’s worth if only to comfort and validate that you are Not the guilty one nor crazy. Put up a security system that includes Audio, say it’s for security reasons only or to even keep an I our your dog, or just hide it for that matter and you’ll have on film proof of their horrendous behavior to play back everytime you have doubts about who is the culprit. Keep it as a reminder of how right you really were, for reasons for whatever is worth it to you.

  • Cath11110@aol.com'
    Kris
    December 10, 2013

    Just an addendum to the security system idea:

    Since it’s illegal to record someone withone their knowledge, you will not be able to use the films you record of your conversations in a cout room on most states. This tool is just an idea I have for us who feel it would build confirmation within yourself of the reality nightmare that you are truly living only. I say this because of the N. Tactic they often use when they often claim the lie when they use the gaslighting tactic when they say: “I never said that!”
    Or “you said…..” (when you know u did not say what he claimed). Among all the other tactics he so often
    uses.
    The system is expensive about $400 to $600 but I’m sure one could find a used one for much cheaper.

  • wonderingif1@yahoo.com'
    OverIt
    May 17, 2014

    Melanie,
    I’m confused about this one:
    Projection: Stating ‘what you did wrong’ regarding the particular topic by using ammunition from the past that has nothing to do with the present incident.
    My understanding is that “Projection” is when they accuse you of doing exactly what they are doing or did. For example, the Narc will bash you behind your back but then be constantly paranoid and accusing you of bashing them behind their back when you are not doing that at all.
    What you describe is definitely a Narc weapon but I believe it would fall into the “deflection” category which is another tactic they are great at.
    Also, “gaslighting” is another Narc tool that can make you feel you are going crazy. For anyone not familiar with the term, a quick google search will tell you all you need to know.
    Healing to all!

  • anewme31@gmail.com'
    Tasha
    October 10, 2014

    My whole being is extremely heavy right now, this awareness has brought me to tears and baffled. I am very grateful this came across my path this morning it was on time. Thank you it’s the beginning for me and I am going to do the work to not play the victim any longer. You know better you do better and I want so much better in my life then what I have been allowing and bringing to myself.

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