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Today I want to talk to you about the reason why people start relationships, and how to start a relationship for the right reasons…

Rather than start a relationship that is doomed to fail from its onset.

So what is the #1 reason why people get into relationships that are doomed to fail?

To avoid the pain and fear of their own self.

This pain and fear could be a variety of things, such as:

I don’t feel happy in my own company,

How can I exist on my own?

How am I going to secure a future for myself?

Or, the big one…

I don’t feel worthy, loveable or ‘enough’ unless someone is in my life is showing me that I am.

Starting a relationship when feeling needy or lonely ultimately leads to ‘multiplication’ – which is:

More fear, discomfort and loneliness than was experienced whilst single.

So how do we make sure we don’t enter into a relationship that is doomed from the onset?

 

Pretence as Opposed to Getting Real

Where our inner being is ‘at’ is the true determinant of the life we are unfolding for ourself. Therefore a ‘mask’ of pretence is not going to hide the facts, or create a different reality from what is really going on inside of us.

People may pretend they are happy, emotionally ‘full’ and self-contained. They may purposefully cultivate the illusion that they know how to be their own source of fulfilment, happiness and joy – but the very opposite may be true.

There are many people who feel miserable on their own, and people who simply can’t bear the thought of not having a partner.

Some of these people (as is the case with narcissists) may even stoop to the level of lying to other people about their intentions and feelings in order to secure the use of these people within sexual hookups and relationships, as objects, to avoid themselves.

There are also people who couldn’t purposefully hurt others, who are so depressed as a result of being by themselves, that they can barely walk out the front door. These people hang on to the hope that someone will turn up in their life magically to love them, take away the pain and get them back out into life.

The cold hard facts are this. If you are not happy being by yourself, a relationship is not going to take your pain away. The relationship will bring you additional unhappiness.

 

Spending Time Alone is Vital

It is incredibly important to not enter relationships with people who don’t spend time alone, and who don’t take responsibility to heal and create healthy fulfilment in their own skin.

There are people who are serial attachment people – who need to create hook-ups and relationships constantly in try to avoid their own inner wounds.

These are the people who do not heal, do not reconcile their inner being and simply take their unhealed fearful and painful parts forward into the next relationship, and the next and the next.

It is very important to not be one of these people.

 

Loving Life – and ‘Like Attracts Like’

The Law of Life is – like attracts like.

This Law known as Law of Attraction is as powerful as gravity.

It creates everything in our life, often unconsciously (until we become conscious), and it has everything to do with the relationship we create with ourself, with life and with everyone in our life.

There is no way to beat this Law, just as there is no way to beat the Law of gravity.

How do we create a healthy life with ourself, life and others?

It’s always about becoming who and what you want to experience.

So let’s have a look at ‘Who’ you wish to become.

You want to love life without fear.  You want to be engaged in life, and you want to be able to wake up every day looking forward to another special day.

How incredible would it be to not need anyone to feel great? How freeing would it be to know you can feel amazing now regardless of whether or not you have anyone in your life, or even a current love interest?

Do you really believe that your life and good feelings should conditionally be controlled by whether or not you have a partner?

Any attachment to conditions in your life in order to experience the true radiance of yourself is dependency. Dependency means you are the victim of conditions of your life, instead of being the creator of your life.

What state of yourself do you believe would be a great foundation to start a healthy relationship from?

 

Who Do You Wish to Attract?

Absolutely you want to enter into a relationship with another person who loves life, and who is incredibly happy to allow you to have your own life, as well as sharing loving time together.

Healthy emotionally solid adults are not threatened by you having your own identity and independence. They are not so needy that they need to own you or control you.

Love is freedom and trust.

Love means loving someone enough that their fulfilment means the world to you – and that fulfilment does not always have to be provided by you. Trust means that if they do their own thing it doesn’t mean they will lose interest in you or leave you for someone or something better.

We can’t love and trust others, until we love and trust ourself.

Healthy emotionally mature adults allow love partners to be independent in their own right, and in fact they encourage and empower their partners. They do not try to take their power away.

Loving, healthy partners recognise that the more empowered someone is, the more they have to share healthily and happily within a relationship. They know the fuller and emotionally healthier an individual is the more love they have to give.

 

Attachment is Not Love

Let’s get very clear on this – love is not attachment.

Attachment is dependency, and dependency creates toxicity in relationships. It manifests neediness, expectations, angst, and control and manipulation. It creates lack of personal growth because personal responsibility is not taken.

Osho, one of my newest favourite authors (I love his material), states this:

“Loneliness is beggarly, in fact it is ugly. If you move into a relationship when you are feeling lonely you will exploit the other. The other will become a means to satisfy you.

Nobody is here to fulfil anybody else’s expectations. Everyone is here to just be himself or herself. Whenever you move into a relationship out of loneliness the relationship is already on the rocks. It is going to create more misery for you.

When you move according to your loneliness you will fall into a relationship with someone who is in the same plight. Two beggars will meet, two miserable people will meet. And remember – when two miserable people meet, it is not a simple addition, it is a multiplication. They create much more misery for each other than they could have created in their own loneliness.”

We don’t have to go very far to see that all the personal development / spiritual teachers – who have transformed their own lives and the lives of millions of others – all pass on the same message. Love begins with Self.

This message is consistent from Louise Hay to Neale Donald Walsch, to Gary Zukav, to Don Miguel Ruiz – in fact anywhere you look.

 

Loneliness Versus Aloneness

Osho creates wonderful distinctions between ‘loneliness’ and ‘aloneness’.

“Loneliness is a state of mind when you are missing the other. Aloneness is the state of mind where you are constantly delighted in yourself. Loneliness is miserable. Aloneness is blissful. In loneliness you are off centre. In aloneness you are centred and rooted. Aloneness is beautiful. It has an elegance about it, a grace, a climate of tremendous satisfaction. “

Relationships created from a base of loneliness are after ‘happiness’. The happiness which has not been established within.

It becomes a huge disappointment and shock when the other person does not fix the inner unhappiness.

This always ends up looking like this – “I still feel unhappy, and why don’t you make me happy!”

Let’s explore what seeking ‘happiness’ means.

It means you are in fact ‘unhappy’. It means you are trying to gain something outside of yourself to feel better about yourself. It means that you are not an independent source of inner fulfilment in your own right.

If we are trying to get happiness, we are dependent, and we are attached to people unhealthily whilst trying to get it.

The symptoms of seeking happiness go like this.

“I’ll be happy when I secure that perfect partner.”

Then after securing someone…

“I’ll be happy when he or she does this.”

 “I’ll be happy when he or she stops doing that”.

“I’ll be happy when he or she provides me with that.”

Can you see how dependent, conditional and powerless your happiness can be when you are not the person providing it for yourself?

How can love and sharing flow in this formula?

The truth is it can’t.

How did we get into situations like this? How did we attract and create relationships with people where we experienced happiness, and also regularly experienced bouts of extreme misery.

Why didn’t we realise that seeking happiness was always going to flip to the other side of the coin – unhappiness?

The truth was we had not learnt how to be a source of genuine happiness to ourself.

 

What is Authentic Happiness?

Authentic happiness is a quality which is produced from within. It needs to be cultivated purposefully as a state of being that is not dependent on other people.

It is the ability to feel whole, fulfilled and blissful for absolutely no reason at all.

You can’t ‘get’ happiness; you can only ‘be’ happiness.

Authentic happiness is a quality that emanates from within. It is an inner platform of peace and contentment from where joy naturally bursts forth.

It is a quality of the soul and NOT of the mind.

The mind, which is your ego, can NEVER be authentically happy – it will always find a reason to think ‘unhappy’ and ‘not enough’ thoughts.

The expectations of your mind can never be appeased.

 

The Narcissistic Reality

As we know, a great deal of this community has been involved in narcissistic relationships. These relationships are the ultimate in pretence, an egoic mind and a mask covering up the true inner state of the person we met.

The narcissist is terrified of the mask dropping and the true disordered, shameful self being exposed – and will say and do anything to try to cover up who he or she really is.

Of course this strategy didn’t work. Those disordered parts were always going to erupt, because whatever painful unhealed parts a person has will always sooner or later appear and play out.

Especially in intimate relationships where they get triggered the most.

That is what shadow (disowned / unhealed) parts do. They keep asserting themselves over and over and over again.

The narcissist as a ‘no-self’ has no ability to be his or her own source of inner bliss and fulfilment. The False Self (accentuated ego) has no ability to provide inner peace and wellbeing. Therefore he or she frenetically needs to create hook-ups and relationships to secure the feeding back to the narcissist that he or she exists.

For the narcissist, it is emotional annihilation if narcissistic supply (attention) is not forthcoming. Hence the conscienceless ‘unhuman’ behaviour used in order to keep securing narcissistic supply.

One of the main reasons that narcissists insist on becoming the centre of your universe, apart from needing to secure narcissistic supply, is because he or she is acutely paranoid.

Narcissists don’t trust anyone. They know the adulterous and pathological acts they are capable of doing when you are out of sight, and sadly believe, as per their version of a ‘dog eat dog’ world, that everyone else is capable of the same atrocities.

Be very aware that people who profess and sprout undying love for you are highly suspect – and it is NOT normal behaviour. It is love-bombing.

This ‘movie type romance’ is a drug that the narcissist is using to escape his or her tortured self. Narcissists know how they need the drug of adoration – and know it captivates people when they dispense it. They manipulate people by feeding their egos.

Make no bones that the same ‘adoring’ narcissist is just as likely to finish off his or her call, text or email to you with over-the-top love gestures, and be straight on to their next sexual hookup without batting an eyelid.

The more regularly romantically demonstrative a person is (heavy focus on attachment), the more likely they are to be adulterous and pathological – because mature, healthy adults simply do not behave like this.

Healthy love has substance – it is not idealised fantasies.

Naturally illusions crack and fall apart. There is not a person who has been swept of their feet by a narcissist, who has not experienced malicious devalue and discard – and often evidence of adultery, or the narcissist moving to the next source of supply overnight as if a relationship with you never existed.

Of course you were not the magical pill to relieve the narcissist from his or her inner demons.

No-one ever will be or can be.

You were always going to be the next ‘wonderful’ person who became ‘not good enough’ – as will be the next, and the next and the next.

 

Your Self-Reflection and Responsibility

We need to take responsibility for our unhealed parts that led us into being the other half of these disastrous relationships.

Healthy people with full lives and their own source of independence do not fall for the narcissist’s engulfing and insistence on wrapped you up in fairy-tale love. These people have a love and connection for life as a single person, and realise that something is not right when the narcissist starts love-bombing and then demanding, manipulating and taking umbrage about them getting fulfilment and joy from other areas of their life apart from the narcissist.

No narcissist will permit you having regular fulfilment and joy apart from him or her – it isn’t possible.

I promise you there are people who reject narcissists quickly. I have friends who have never had narcissistic relationships, and I know they never would. I have also received many emails from people who break it off with narcissists as soon as the controlling and childish behaviour starts.

If you don’t have your own sense of fulfilment and love for life, you are highly susceptible to enabling dependent, unhealthy and even abusive relationships.

We have to get really straight with ourself, and we have to change at our own deep inner level if we want to heal this pattern of relationships based on enmeshment, unhealthy attachment, dependency, control and abuse.

We need to learn to truly love ourself, and we need to make the moves to be in life and love life in our own right.

We need to firmly understand that we have to be ‘full’ on our own, and if we are not then we will base our ‘self’ on another person defining us.

If we don’t it is a recipe for heartbreak and loss on so many levels. It is a recipe for the destruction of being in narcissistically abusive relationships.

 

My Determination to Heal This Pattern

I have stated this before, and I will again – my levels of co-dependency and inner brokenness were extreme. Extreme enough that I have been through two very painful narcissistic abuse experiences.

I am so grateful for the lessons I have had in life at this level, because they have given me the opportunity to truly come home to myself. This is the only way I was ever going to exorcise these patterns of painful love from my life.

I had to get very clear and honest with myself about where I had gone wrong.

Amongst many other things, I had to look at the formula of successful relationships.

A vital part of these functional relationships clearly was – healthy people conjoining and being happy, supportive and trusting of each other’s healthy interests outside of the relationship.

I realised that outside of relationships and work I did not have my own fulfilment. I had suffered the loneliness and emptiness of being on my own, and had then used work and other addictions to avoid that pain.

The truth was I did not feel ‘happy’ in life unless I was with a man. I had been brought up with the programming and conditioning from my mother that you didn’t do social things without a man. My mother has never had a life separate from my father. In fact she frowned upon women doing their own thing.

I also had my own fearful beliefs that I wasn’t safe in life without a man. The levels of these fears and beliefs were intense and incredible painful. They were generational, DNA based, belief system based, and also conditioned as a result of previous trauma.

These fears were holding me prisoner hoping that a big, strong protective man would save me from these fears and escort me out safely into life.

Of course the men I was attracting and accepting were not ‘rocks’ – they were in fact ‘hammers’ delivering more of my greatest fears.

When I was in relationships I was long past jealousy or possessiveness, I was a big advocate of trusting and being trustworthy and believed in allowing ‘space’ and ‘interests’, yet I was attracting relationships of intense attachment and dependency.

The men I was partnering were very needy, engulfing and wanted to spend every spare minute they could with me.

Of course this was allowed by me, because I did not have my own established independence, and I also carried the deep terror of abandonment, as well as the fear that I couldn’t survive on my own. So I enabled the unhealthy attachments to take place.

I then felt guilty if I wanted to do anything outside of the relationship, and I would be met with umbrage if I pushed myself to do things like having dinner with a girlfriend. My partners would tell me they were jealous of the attention they weren’t getting.

So I decided to not continue doing this.

This was my level of ‘normal’.  Now I know how incredibly abnormal and unhealthy this is. I know I had to take full responsibility for how I was co-creating this disastrous, engulfed, co-dependent pattern in my life with abusers.

This is what life looks like for me now…

I do lovely things for myself every day.

As I write this article I am sitting in one of my favourite cafes drinking coffee, enjoying the sea view.

Every morning I walk in nature, I love that. I also do a yoga DVD every morning, I love that too.

I hang out with friends and family regularly.

I dance, I sing, I play music every day. I make sure every day has something blissful and joyful within it. I drink green smoothies in the morning, which are not only delicious but are packed full of super foods, organic produce and supplements that grant me good health and lots of energy.

I meditate daily, and regularly connect with my inner self. The more I do, the more it glows out and extends into every area of my life.

I decide on great things to do at the weekend, and look forward to new adventures, hobbies, experiences and events.

I have never felt more whole or happy in my entire life – authentically.

Did I just decide and start doing these things?

The answer is ‘No’ because I couldn’t.

Initially they felt too painful – I had far too many fearful, painful and triggered inner programs that made ‘doing things’ way too painful to achieve.

It was a step-by-step process. It was a determined plan that required letting go of pain every day.

To create my New Self, I had to clear out enough pain from my Old Self to make space for a new way of being in life.

This meant doing Quanta Freedom Healing on myself every day. Whatever ‘hurt’ that came up was the next step, the next dysfunction part of my shadow self to be released – and I honoured my body, soul and mind enough to release these hurts and deep dysfunctional inner programs determinedly, one by one.

I was way past trying to fight with myself mentally to overcome the inner pain and fear. I know that to change your mind means changing inner subconscious programs first, and then the mind automatically shifts to follow the new state of inner being.

As the space started opening in my body, soul and mind, I added a new dimension to my life every week.

Walking was first. Then yoga. Then meditation. Then a focused determination of health improvement. Then music and dance. Then pleasurable and lovely activities.

It was tough – absolutely.

To face, meet and release our inner self is the ultimate act of courage. It is what we have spent our entire life avoiding. It is what many people never have the courage to face, and never do. They never free themself from themself.

I can’t tell you how many tissue boxes I went through firmly meeting myself and healing within. And it was (and still is) incredibly worth it – on every level. Each day more and more space, beauty, and life enters my experience. Any day if a new hurt surfaces I keep letting go. I keep making more space and freedom within for the good stuff.

By becoming an inner being more aligned with the joy and expansiveness of the network of life, everything I need to keep expanding continues to show up – in abundance.

No longer am I pinched off from the wellbeing of life.

The truth is – no longer am I pinched off from the wellbeing of myself.

 

In Conclusion

We need to understand this firmly – relationships are a powerful force of like attracts like.

The relationships in our life, whether it be friends, business associates, acquaintances, love partners and even family truly reflect ourself.

The parts of these relationships we like are the parts of ourself which are healthy, and the parts we don’t like are the parts of ourself which are unhealed.

I really hope you can deeply feel this article, and be inspired to let go and expand no matter how hard it may feel right now.

I hope with all of my heart that you too will determinedly break through into the free, open, joyful, life loving being you were born to be.

When you love life, you love yourself.

When you love yourself, life is an infinite co-creator with you.

When you finally set yourself free, your life will open up, and take off in ways beyond your fondest dreams.

The best part is – you will know what it is to be authentically happy.

I would love to leave you with this mantra:

“I release all disconnections from myself and life, and become the healed and whole being I was born to be. Life supports me and adores me abundantly. I love my life.”

I look forward to responding to your comments.

 

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70 thoughts on “How To Create A Healthy Relationship

  1. Great article. But you forgot one reason…and that is…being abused by alcoholic parents! My bad……the abuse felt normal. Not anymore…..thanks in part….too you! I am very grateful that I found you when I did. Thanks for all the good you do!

    1. Hi Teri,

      That reason still relates. Any ‘reason’ leading to unhealed parts within us means we will consciously or unconsciously desire a relationship to stop the pain of that ‘inner wound’.

      Which then of course delivers more of the playing out of the unhealed wound.

      You are very welcome Teri!

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Melanie,
      I really felt a deep desire to say how beautifully expressed your article is. I read it out loud to myself and cried my way through half of it! I now know this to be part of my recovery and healing process. I finally and for the last time put down the relationship with my abusive narcissitic ex almost 7 months ago with the help of an addictions treatment centre for my relationship dependency issues. I too have come to realise the whys and wherefore’s that drive us to be in dependent relationships but am so pleased that I can say today that I am loving and living life on my own and that’s because I am loving myself, something which I have never done in my life before. I am grateful every day for the person who brought me to my knees and ultimately into recovery of my life!!
      God bless all of you
      Julie xxx

      1. Hi Julie,

        I am so pleased this article resonated with you.

        We certainly do know when tears come that the message is for ourself!

        You should be so proud of yourself that you are connecting back to yourself and life – this is fantastic progress!

        I agree, narcs do an incredible service of putting us on our butts and having to take responsibility to heal!

        Thank you for your lovely post!

        Mel xo

  2. I read your articles as they come through my email. I too have seen the light of happiness. I now do not need a man, but enjoy a man. I thank you for your insight on your life and your battles. And am glad I was told of your website some two years ago. You are an inspiration to many. Thak you
    Sammy 🙂

  3. Mel, You always turn up with an article when I need it, its amazing. I have be going along well and then I received a phone call which showed ‘Private Number’I answered thinking it was someone buying my motor home and it was the Narc, through me for a loop, I lost it and went nuts then I hung up. Have been feeling really ill ever since, so got back on your programs, thank God for them. Have a question – why is it so hard to break away from these evil cruel people. Why is the pull you feel to go back, why – I have broken up with partners before and you move on a lot easier than what I’m going through now.Could you explain that addictive feeling and why its so strong. My narc abused mentally, very attractive love bomber,pathological liar and spent a lot of money making sure I was hooked.Then nearly took my farm and everything else, lucky I woke up when I did. It truly has been a nightmare as I almost lost the lot.
    Thank you Mel, loved this article like all the others.
    Love. Jan

    1. Hi Jan,

      Okay let’s simplify this…because I know it will help you. First of all you received a shock which created emotional trauma – him contacting you.

      Now your ‘mind’ can only process thoughts that match the chemicals that trauma created in your body. In other words you have no logical awareness available to you right now on ‘the solution’.

      Our mind (unless we REALLY train ourself otherwise) goes into overdrive trying to manage emotional trauma – and absolutely CAN’T resolve or manage it. Hence the obsession, the questions, the feeling futile, empty, distressed, feeling activated towards outer solace (addictions etc….)

      There is only ONE solution. Stop trying to analyse relief, and just go to releasing the emotional charge out of your body with QFH….then your mind will open up immediately as a reflection of the release on your body.

      The brain follows the body always – it doesn’t work the other way around!

      Be very sure of this – this ‘breakdown’ is another ‘breakthrough’ opportunity. What happened has triggered an unhealed program in you which hasn’t been healed yet. When you simply go to feeling the emotion, tracking it through and releasing it – you will understand the perfection of ‘why’ this latest event happened.

      And you will be released into an even higher level of wellbeing than you were before it happened.

      Does this make sense?

      All you need to do, is go to the modules, feeling and releasing what hurts. And don’t ‘think’ about it!

      Mel xo

  4. Hi Mel,
    A fantastic article which has helped me focus on my unhealed parts. I have realised that my father is also a very controlling figure in my life, although I’m not sure if he is a narc? I realise that I have been repeating destructive patterns in my relationships due to my distorted perception of what is normal. I am trying very hard to distance myself from these negative forces and am finding myself again. Still a long way to go, but your articles are an inspiration to me. Thank you x

    1. Hi Rachel,

      I’m so glad this article has helped! It is very, very common that a controlling father sets up relationships with narcissists, especially if our mother was not in her individuality within the relationship – and many of our mothers weren’t.

      A controlling person is not necessarily a narc. To be a narc means certain things. Pathological lying, malicious pay-back behaviour, zero accountability and hair line trigger responses leading to taking umbrage to any perceived slights.

      Those are the signs of a disordered person taken over by a False Self.

      Very true that we have to deeply confront and work on ourself in regard to what is ‘normal’ and what isn’t.

      Narcissistic abuse is not ‘normal’, it is incredibly subhuman, deranged and unacceptable – when we work on ourself enough to no longer attach to, or accept that behaviour.

      Mel xo

  5. Thank you so much Mel for all your insightful articles-you have really helped me to understand and work on healing myself. I understand that my relationships with non-narcissistic family members can change when I no longer need approval and validation from them and can love myself for who I am. I still have a long way to go in healing.

    May I ask, when your relationship improved with your parents had they changed at all, or was it because you changed within yourself and they unconsciously responded to that?
    With gratitude,
    Rebecca

    1. Hi Rebecca,

      You are very welcome 🙂

      That is so true, that when you become a loving source to yourself, and become emotionally open-hearted and authentic, without fear and pain (the old internal programs) that ‘life’ including non-narcissistic family members will grant that energy back to you.

      The answer to your question is ‘yes’ and ‘no’. They are still the same people – with their stuff! What they present to me is a match for my vibration with them, which is so much more resolved.

      The interesting thing is they still play out stuff between each other – but in my experience with them the love is flowing beautifully.

      It’s all pure Law of Attraction at work!

      I hope that makes sense!

      Mel xo

  6. Thanx Melanie,

    I left the narc 8 myths ago. Getting stronger in my own skin every day. Living in the present and meditation helps heal the pain of concern for the future, the “can I do it on my own” feeling. I am loving my work, surely a reflection of my self love! How do i decifer whether this is another ‘attachment’ to mask my need, or is this truly a unfolding of my independence and self confidence? I know I am rejecting ‘love’ interests from men. Am I now just fearful of any relationship with another man?

    Love and light,
    Nat

    1. Hi Natalie,

      That is wonderful that as per meditation and living in the now, you are definitely working on yourself.

      Getting our life right is about all areas of our life – to really check if we are integrated and if there is still more to heal in order to be ‘whole’.

      I can certainly relate to gaining incredible ‘fulfillment’ from work. But after second narc experience I had to look very deeply at that exact question you raised – was that an attachment?

      In my case it was. So the question really for you is – how do you feel when you are not working? Can you just ‘be’ and still feel whole?

      If not there are inner subconscious programs that are playing out, meaning you are creating a definition of yourself outside of yourself still. Which means you are not ‘whole’ yet.

      This is of course a normal human way to live – but truly it has pitfalls, and can be a much better reality!

      Regarding the rejecting of love interests, only you know the answer to that, as to whether you are prepared to wait to meet the right love connection (healthy) or are you pinching yourself off as a result of pain still being trapped in your body?

      By deeply dropping inside yourself, and asking yourself those questions from an emotional (not logical) standpoint, you will find the answer.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  7. Thanks so much Mel for your reply.It does make sense- on many levels:-).I understand that my relationship with other non-narcissistic family members is a reflection of the relationship I have with myself; if that gets better then the other will naturally follow. They don’t have to ‘get’ me or what happened to me in the family dynamic for healing in my relationship with them to happen because healing is dependent on myself rather than them.
    Thank you again so much for your enlightenment and inspiration x.
    with gratitude,
    Rebecca

  8. Bless you for your insight and powerfully emotive expression of life with and without a Narc.
    I am healing every day – and it feels so very good.
    This is such a good and precise summary
    ‘To be a narc means certain things. Pathological lying, malicious pay-back behaviour, zero accountability and hair line trigger responses leading to taking umbrage to any perceived slights.

    But Melanie – one more time – please answer this – I had a hideous experience, am healing well, have the results to prove it…so why when i recently saw a tall man in a pink shirt .. (not him) did my heart almost stop? – the immediate feelings of fear/dread… and something else – attraction/desire?
    I know this is an emotional thing – I felt my way through it – and settled myself – but I want to be in a place where even if he was 5mm from my face – the only urge I want to feel is to turn my cheek, my body, and my heart firmly the other way- gladly and freely and with the utmost power.
    And walk away, never looking back,

    I would do this right now – (I would) I am almost there- but inside I believe atm thatI would still be overriding that mistaken instinct to momentarily forgive…
    What is that slight pull ? A remaining trickle of blood to the head (not a rush)
    Is it a familiarity with a body and face (not the man inside of course) I once admired and loved – can that ‘attraction’ remain – whilst being repelled on every other level?

    Do I need to maintain that very slight wariness for my own safety? Because I know there is no return – not to him – nor any narcissist – but the internal magnet – it’s still a little bit active – like an alternative intuition – it kicks in in a microsecond – and I want to banish that microsecond

    Thanks for everything you do- really – thank you.
    Jennifer.

    1. Hi Jennifer,

      What occurred to you is ‘body memory’…and that is very normal.

      In regard to triggers such as this – the fact of the matter is that your body does not have to lead your brain, and consequently your life if you do not let it.

      The problem in our past is that the body (emotions) did control our brain (choices) and our life – but as we start getting empowered we step back into control of ourself.

      You have two choices with this – simply ignore the body, knowing it does not need to control you – and it will stop activating eventually on its own accord if you don’t feed that charge energy (attention) – or work at a deeper level to clean out the cellular memory / trauma that still exists which caused your body to ‘react’..

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  9. Thank you for a thoughtful article Mel. I like reminders. Tonight it is Wednesday and as I reflect on my week, it has been full of simple and lovely events. When I was reading about what you had to say about loving ourselves, I think that I am very good at self-care and enjoy my own company. On Sunday, I didn’t feel to rush around because during the working week there is plenty of that. Rather, I slept in, took time to eat breakfast in peace, then visited the markets in our port city. It was really nice to just wander through and look at everything, buy some fresh fruit and good bread for the week and sit inside a cafe on the way home, for coffee before driving home along the coast around sunset. I am enjoying the peace and safety of my home and the ability to simply be with myself and do whatever feels nourishing, like hot baths with essential oils and epsom salts, putting essential oil in my disperser that makes the air smell beautiful and which lingers, lighting candles in beautiful hand-blown translucent holders that allow light to glow through the bright colours and to sit looking at them with the lights out, reading good books and listening to wonderful music. It is luxurious to be able to simply read a good book in peace and write in my journal without interruption and to cut flowers from the garden to bring inside. Last night when I went for my dancing lesson, I had a wonderful time and because I am at a higher level, had lots of opportunities to dance with skilled dance partners who are fun guys, before coming home and stopping for hot chocolate and a chat with my mates at the coffee shop. There was something lovely about coming home for more hot chocolate and drifting off to sleep. Again at work, I had a happy day with my kids. We are making placemats for the dads for Father’s Day and the kids’ little hands and feet are the decorations along with their 4 year old attempts to write messages of love as only they can. My kids are great! I get a lot of joy from watching each group of children learn new things. Tonight is a quiet night at home in front of the heater because the nights are chilly here and it is not yet spring. The clock is ticking, the cats are laying there asleep keeping me company and the night is silent. I feel very peaceful and contented with my world and joyous also. I imagine that one day, when a real love relationship comes into my life that is healthy that it will feel like it is just as much a part of what I already have with NO angst. In the meantime, I am content with the riches that I have, taking delight in all things simple and savouring every moment.Think I’m well on the way to healing and am recognising destructive potential in people and situations now and am not allowing engagement to any degree in my life or energy because now I can set good boundaries and maintain them. My last kinesiology session brought up the need to disengage from situations that entangle and muddle me and the need to live in the present moment more. That is a big one and it is the third time that it has come up for healing and finally it is dissolving. It’s been a long journey!

  10. Dear Melanie,

    Last night I was lying in bed feeling that this morning, I will open my e-mail and find one e-mail from you. Then I played a guessing game of what the topic of your writing will be. I was open to my intuition to give me the clue. And the clue was: your writing today will have to do with overcoming the fear! Suffice it to say, when I opened the e-mail and read the headline of your blog with the big sentence in bold letters, I realized that there are no mistakes in inner world. It is just incredible and wonderful how it is all connected and supplied for! Truly worth all the pain, all the darkness, all the emptiness and loneliness while going through dark tunnels of narcissism. Because after the darkest night, on the crack of the dawn, life will burst with energy beyond all imagination!

    We are all in transition now, holding hands, with ancient prayers on our lips and bare hope in our hearts…

    Melanie, your words are pregnant with longing and hope that we will all reunite on the other side. With your loving support and intention, we can all emerge and live the life that was calling us from long forgotten land…

    Love and light to all!

    1. Hi WOL,

      I love how connected we all are as the ‘whole’ – it is amazing!

      I agree that we are going to burst forth on the other side, that is what all of this has been about – powerfully 🙂

      Thank you for your beautiful message.

      Mel xo

  11. Dear Melanie,
    I’ve been receiving your newsletter for a few months now. I relate so deeply with them and I want to thank you.
    I endured narc abuse for 20 years and was also in a cult like environment during that time. I’ve been out now for 6 months with no contact and I’m trying to figure my life out. I’m doing everything I know to be good to myself, eating organic wholesome food, daily exercise consisting of yoga, mountainbike riding, hiking etc, surrounding myself with good people and taking the time for friendships, seeing a counselor, journaling, reading books and learning about codependency, law of attraction etc…
    I’m doing all these things yet I feel this underlying sense of sadness and sometimes I feel like i need to explode and let it all out but nothing happens. Any advice would be so much appreciated…
    Meghann

    1. Hi Meghann,

      I am glad the articles resonate with you and you are very welcome.

      You have been through an extremely hard time, and lots of painful sub conscious programming has occurred as a result of the abuse – which is a direct assault on your Inner Identity.

      Your self care is perfect! Nothing to change there…what you need to do as well- is work on your deep inner.

      The reason you feel like you want to explode is because you haven’t been able to release the toxic pain out of your cells yet. That is what the lingering depression, and grief is as well.

      That is why I always yell from the rooftops – deep energetic (body) work – such as kinesiology, tapping, and of course QFH in NARP.

      In virtually every case, without exception, regarding all the recoveries I have been a part of – body work is what starts creating powerful and real results.

      That is the key you are searching for..Once you start with body work – you will know exactly what I mean – you’ll feel it.

      Mel xo

  12. Hi Melanie,
    Can not say enough how I hope many people read this article and take it to heart. I am living this today. 20 year marriage, turned abusive 10 years in, magnified 10 fold when decided to leave, spreading lies about me, my family, convincing the courts, schools, even bank. Turning my children into weapons, my mom dying too, this is when I learned “surrender”..the dating scene has been a learning experience about the holes that I needed to mend from the erosion that took place in my soul. The pain from these experiences once realized dissolved. It has been an intense fast forward healing curve from there. This article is perfect.
    Donna

    1. Hi Donna,

      most definitely the world would be a much better place if everyone did take the responsibility to create a much healthier relationship with themself, rather than expecting other people to supply that for them.

      This is so wonderful, that you are working on you – healing and empowering yourself and moving forward.

      Keep up the great work Donna.

      Mel xo

  13. Interesting article but what I dont understand is why I feel all of this connection with myself, have many interests (singing, dancing, nature, walking, lovely friends)and feel blissfully happy in my own company watching the birds and butterflies in my garden, etc,but as soon as I get in a relationship, I still do those things, but I’m wondering all the time whether they will be like the last one…the narcissist. I’m looking for the signs and the slightest comment or action that reminds me, sends me into a spiral of doubt and distrust. How do you know it won’t happen again? What if I don’t see it? I know that if I’m stronger in myself I wouldn’t put up with it, but the fear is still there. I don’t know how I will learn to love and trust again!

    1. Hi Kris,

      The answer to your question is – we will always receive from life our own emotional ‘story’ – which means our subconscious programming.

      So the real question is : What is my existing subconscious programming? The way we work out what it is – is by starting to think about any topic in our life – and then check how that FEELS. Our subconscious always communicates to us through sensation / emotions.

      So what this means is – although you are feeling contained and happy on your own – the thought of a relationship brings up fear for you (of course understandably). The confusion in your mind is a match for the subconscious inner ‘body’ programs.

      The brain only ever has access to the thoughts, that match out subconscious programs on any topic. This is why we usually can’t ‘just’ think our way to create healthier inner programs.

      Then the next step, once we acknowledge that we have fearful inner programs, is to meet them, release them and transform them into something much better. It means doing the inner work. Then how we ‘feel’ shifts, and then what we ‘think’ becomes a completely different reality.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you Mel, it does make sense. Time to start the QFH programme over again I think, obviously more inner work required! It’s strange how perfectly fine you feel and then something triggers a reaction in your thoughts/body that you weren’t conciously aware of.
        Many thanks, your articles are very insightful.
        Kris

  14. The topic is fabulous and is entwined with No Contact, breaking old patterns. I am about to start ti-chi. I am all alone but excited. I got off the narcissistic merry-go-round. Thanks for your support.

  15. Hi Mel, This article was so well timed. I am almost one year post separation with the narc. I think of him every day fleetingly but have no attachment or contact and feel healed. I ended a relationship today with a controlling personality but not a narc. Yes the relationship did become painful and stressful. This person wanted to move in with me in week two and my shakey boundaries were trampled on. I did refuse though and watched further attempts and pressure to comply unfold over three months. Each time I refused I watched the behaviour become more sulky and moody and unreasonable. Thank fully today I am out of that situation. This person then stated I stressed them so much they needed to go back to smoking. Hmmm seems like victim behaviour to me. I am a bit of a health crusader and attracted anything but strangely enough.Felt a bit sad but it is just ego stuff and of course I see the real blessing and truth behind the situation. This time I have moved quite quickly through the lesson and your words are always at the forefront of my mind. Thank you once again Mel. XXJane

    1. Hi Jane,

      That is great that you honoured yourself and ended the relationship.

      You state this person wasn’t a narcissist, yet the truth is the mask may not have fully fallen down. You may not have been in the relationship long enough. The behaviour you are describing – the need to enmesh – sounds very narcissistic suspect.

      No normal, mature adult wishes to move in with someone after two weeks, unless they need constant energy to emotionally survive. That is an incredibly immature and needy choice.

      Sulky, moody, unreasonable additionally is also not normal mature adult behaviour.

      All of these signs are massive red flags, and truly you had dodged a bullet!

      Mel xo

  16. Thankyou Mel on your reply about the emotional trama I went through, since reading your reply I went back to my QFH programs and started over. I think I,m there and then realise I’m not. I won’t give up on myself. Thank you
    love jan

  17. Mel,
    As always your articles resonate so deeply with me. This latest one exactly describes the predicament I am in, and have been in.

    I am on the road to loving myself, which is extremely hard, but after 57 years of extreme pain, I am determined to find that love and joy within myself.

    You are a generous being to understand and help others on this road, by sharing your own road and how you healed yourself.

    Just want to say thank you for sharing it with me! I am putting this in my favorites to read a few more times….
    And I want to find out who Osho is.

    Terrie

    1. Hi Terrie,

      Your determination will break through. When we are firmly committed to committing to ourself, we absolutely evolve, and all of life brings forward the ‘ways’ to deepen with ourself and life.

      Osho is a controversial being who developed incredible books and meditation processes. His writings are exceptional. There is incredible clarity, power and soul food in his teachings.

      Mel xo

  18. Your messages to us are always insightful and compassionate, but today’s read was exceptional. The passage that particularly resonated with me was this “The parts of these relationships we like are the parts of ourself which are healthy, and the parts we don’t like are the parts of ourself which are unhealed” This wisdom, finally nailed down how I had allowed such a foreign entity into my life. There was enough of what I know to be my strengths in him that I fell in the trap of believing he could fill my emotional void and complement my Loneliness quota perfectly……how wrong I was. I am now leaving this relationship a great deal smarter and more in control than I have been in a many years. (if ever)

    1. Hi Christine,

      I’m glad that struck a chord with you.

      The tricky thing often is that people can’t get their head around ‘like attracts like’. In other words ‘what triggers me’ may not mean necessarily I ‘do that’, but it will always relate to some unhealed pattern within that is allowing / attracting / perceiving (personalising) that behaviour / abuse / pattern.

      In short it is unhealed, unfinished business from the past.

      That is wonderful you are evolving, self-reflecting and setting yourself free from painful patterns.

      Mel xo

  19. Hi Mel,

    Thank you for your good advice re the massive red flags re the relationship I described. I really did not want to see these flags and there were many more such as unaccountability for paying bills and lack of empathy or willingness to see others views. I hope I am moving through these situations quickly now and there won’t be any more xxJane

    1. Hi Jane,

      Yes for sure – now the narcdar is buzzing!

      Thank goodness you canned it! Now look at where your boundaries struggled, clean them up and you will get fantastic healing and growth out of what happened.

      Where did you feel uncomfortable, where did you struggle to speak up, where did you start doubting yourself and your boundaries when you felt uncomfortable?

      These are the things you can shore up within yourself. Once you have you won’t attract it, or be attracted to the people who have narcissistic issues.

      Mel xo

  20. Melanie, I cannot begin to express how stumbling upon your website about narcissists was definitely a wake up call. I endured a year and a half roller coaster relationship with an extreme narc. Dinners trips followed by pathological lying, cheating its as if I was absent in realizing the deep pain this has left me with like my life has been sucked and energy. I have been 8 months broken up with the narc he consistently still attempts to contact me, stalks me and I have finally even strong enough to maintain solid no contact for 2 months despite his relentlessness. My question is this I know that I am moving in the right direction and was not honoring my boundaries which I would have left long ago, the hooks are still very strong and I have suffered from severe depression and unhappiness. Will the torture that they constantly try to get to you ever stop, what other things can I do mentally to target my inner healing. I sometimes feel so weak and yet I know day by day I am regaining my sanity. Will I ever get over the things that I do miss ? We shared a dog who I obviously will never be apart of her life anymore and this has made it even more difficult as I feel I not only lost a relationship but what felt like home to me. Will I ever find “boring no drama normal” guys attractive. I feel like I am always drawn to these types as I think my father is somewhat a narc. Thank you for your daily inspirations they are undoubtedly the only thing that has helped me hang on. I would like to thank you for that. Blessings be with you.
    Steph

    1. Hi Steph,

      For so many people, in order to recover, the answer is not cognitive, and that is why I developed processes that work directly on the subconscious mind – which is the entire emotional network, that goes through our body. To effect change at this level, processes are required that can bypass the logical mind.

      Real inner change does not occur at a logical mind level.

      Narcissistic abuse is a significant trauma, that few people can heal ‘mentally’.

      Steph the powerful results for myself and so many of the community, (known as thriver recoveries) came about from energetic body work.

      My highest suggestion to you is the NARP Program to heal from the inside out.

      Our minds often simply can’t deal with cellular emotional trauma and peptide addiction. Once you start shifting emotional pain with the deeper processes out of your body, your mind starts to heal also.

      And yes, when you heal at this deep Inner Identity level, you will lose the hooks and attractions to narcissistic types, because you personally will heal and evolve from your internal wounds that led to these attractions.

      In short you become a solid, healthy source to yourself, and then your entire point of attraction shifts.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  21. Hi Melanie. I would like to thank you for sharing these thoughts. Your articles has made me confront the realities of my relationship. It is hard work. Although I do not think that my partner is a narcissist, our relationship feels unhealthy in some ways. Reading your articles, and especially this last one, has made me realize how much my own self has vaporized while trying to tend to the relationship. I wonder if what I thought was giving attention to us has had the opposite effect because I seem to have lost myself. He has told me that he has no need for anyone else in his life than the woman he is with, and he expects me to feel the same way. This feels very uncomfortable. It feels as if he is manipulating me by giving me a bad conscience for needing something in my life outside the relationship. I have always enjoyed my own company and being alone, but I think my partner actually thinks this is selfish. Consequently I have made adjustments, and now find myself feeling guilty if I want to spend my time with someone/something else.
    I have been trying for several years to find out why the relationship is such hard work. He is very eloquent and can win any argument regardless of whether he is wrong or right. He has a great ability to take the blame and lay blame at the same time. He is often depressed, talking about how worthless and alone he feels and how there must be something wrong with him since he can´t make it work with anyone. Minutes later he is criticizing me severely for not contributing to the relationship. He often makes me feel inadequate in all manner of ways. I am not sure if he is aware of this (because of his depression), and to my knowledge he has never lied to me about anything. Can you tell me, Melanie, is it possible that he has narcissistic tendencies, or has he attracted a weak personality in me? Am I overreacting, feeling sorry for myself? I am completely at a loss, very confused from having lived like this for several years. Kate

    1. Hi Kate,

      If I can be frank, your relationship is controlling and ‘narcissistic’ in many ways…and I am not surprised it is feeling exhausting.

      You will need to make a decision as to how you wish your life to be in relationship, because boundaries and the healing of your ‘inner’ is going to be very important to change the dynamic of relationship for you.

      These changes need to look like more space being granted and each person taking a great deal more time and responsibility for healing their individual wounds.

      Is he willing to be a cooperative component in that change? Will he hear that you don’t wish to continue the way it is and seek his own healing, whilst you are allowed the space to do yours?

      Is he willing to get to the bottom or why he feelse the way he does, why he demands your energy, and where it really comes from? Is he willing to honour your needs and the relationships needs to get truthful, real and vulnerable about his wounds – or would he rather keep his defences and blame? Only you really know the answer to those questions – and you may have to totally be prepared to lose this relationship in order to not completely dissolve into nothingness yourself.

      If he just demands your energy, and will not allow space or take personal responsibility, or allow personal growth to take place – claiming it is ‘selfish’ (which is a needy, narcissistic, immature and controlling cop-out) then my only advice would be that you need to leave and focus on healing yourself.

      He simply may not be willing to take responsibility for his own energy and evolution journey, which means you didn’t have a cooperative partner of ‘growth’

      Without growth there is only one possiibility – deterioration, and you being stuck in that reality.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Melanie. Thank you for your reply, I believe you are very accurate in your analysis. What troubles me the most is not so much that he is in a way rejecting me by not acknowledging my autonomy, but the extent to which I have let it happen. I realize know that I am much more disappointed in myself than I am with him. Lately I have noticed fluctuating feelings of not caring for him anymore, and wondering if I would be better off on my own. I am afraid that I stay mostly because of sense of responsibility for him and the other obligations in our life. I can still picture a great life for us, as it was in the beginning, because he has many qualities that I value in other people, but every time things seem to improve a ghost appears from his/our past to tear it all down again. This is the moment when I am always the one to blame for not being supportive enough, not being able to understand his troubled childhood with traumatizing experiences, not wanting to take responsibility for “our” healing. The truth is that I am tired of being expected to incorporate his childhood sufferings and adult trauma into our everyday life. He tells me he is tired of it all and wants to be freed from his burdens, but it seems to me that his past experiences is something he needs to blame others for, feeling that he has done everything he can to heal. For many years I have believed him to be right, feeling inadequate that I have never been able to help him. I have become the silent recipient of accusations of guilt, concluding that he must be right since I can´t seem to come up with any arguments to defend myself. He is very good at making the most unfair accusation seem plausible. When I try to explain that not being able to relieve him of everything that haunts him does not mean that I don´t care, he perceives it as excuses.
        I find that when talking to family and friends, giving them glimpses, but not the full picture, of my life with my partner, I am very aware that I am describing a situation that is not normal. They don´t need to tell me, I can tell it from my own feeling of shame and embarrassment over not being able to create a better life for myself. I´m sorry Melanie, I don´t mean to use you as a therapist, it´s just that I value your opinion as your website has been a great source of inspiration and revelations to me. You write so well of the importance of being true to oneself and at peace with oneself,
        it´s something that I know I want to aspire to. Best wishes, Kate

        1. Hi Kate,

          you are very welcome.

          That is very true that the only thing we can ever change is ourself. What is really important is that you don’t stay stuck in beating yourself up for ‘allowing’ this.

          That is not evolution that will just create ‘more stuckedness and beating yourself up’. Acknowledging you need to heal parts of yourself, and being committed to working on these parts is what will change the dynamic for you, and start to point you in the right direction – no matter how hard that may seem.

          Staying stuck in self-recrimination equals how to lose, and how to allow things to get worse.

          What is always true is that if someone is not taking responsibility of their own healing and projects their pain, the person who stays starts believing they are in fact responsible.

          Think about this Kate, what happens when a person disconnected from their own power drags another person into a disconnected state? The answer is the disconnection is magnified 10 fold, and ends up a toxic mess.

          The truth of the matter is his depression and emotional pain is for one reason and one reason only – he is suffering a ‘gap’ between WHO he really is, and how he is presently being in life. This is HIS emotional gap between him and himself- and you and no-one else is responsible for it – only he can be.

          No-one can ever get ‘disconnected’ enough (twist themselves into enough assorted shapes) to help someone else get out of their disconnection. That equals TWO people out on the disastrous emotional edge of pain, fear, blame and shame.

          The only way you COULD EVER help him is to make sure you do not allow your own disconnection to yourself. And what that looks like is “No matter how much you jump up and down and scream and demand – I am NOT going to give up my connection to my own wellbeing to join you in YOUR negativity and pity party!”

          THEN you lead by example, and then if he wants to join you, and be ‘whole’ he WILL do something about it.

          Don’t ever allow anyone to force you to choose between your own emotional alignment or joining them in their painful disconnection…because you don’t serve ANYTHING in that place. IF you are disconnected from yourself you are no good to yourself, and you are absolutely no good to anyone else either.

          That is what narcissistic relationships are all about – someone not taking responsibility for their own internal pain, making someone else responsible for it, and then punishing them when they don’t fix it for them!

          And thinking ‘that’ is going to save me from emotional pain!!!

          HOW on earth can that EVER create two whole, connected people sharing a wonderful, expansive, loving life together??

          I think we all know the answer to that.

          The truth of the matter is IF he wanted to heal – he would attract what he needs, participate in it, and apply himself to ALL the things that WOULD get him there.

          He obviously hasn’t had enough yet – and maybe he never will.

          Certainly whilst he denies responsibility and holds others responsible his healing is never going to happen.

          Is that the pattern you want to live in your life? Being abused and pulled out of your essential connection with yourself by someone who is not taking responsibility to create his own connection? Because it will only continue if you continue to allow it.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

  22. Hi Melanie. Thank you for your article. I have just come to realize/accept that I am a narcissist. My wife told me I was but I was in denial until really researching narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) on the internet and reading your articles, especially this one. Many traits of a narcissist in your article I can relate to. I think my degree of narcissistic behaviour has escalated over the years – I used to be happy by myself but have now got to the point where I lay the guilt trip on my wife all the time if she wants to do her own thing and leaves me alone, etc. Let alone all the fighting it has caused in our relationship and sadness it has brought to her. Writing that last sentence brings tears to my eyes. She suggested many months, may be even a year+ ago, that I go to therapy and I did but the therapist did not diagnose me with a NPD – just anxiety. He blew it. We then went to marriage counselling together, I always said my wife has issues too but it was me that caused her issues/sadness that she was trying to heal. I understand the characteristics of a narcissist. I have tried to quit them but seem to relaspe into “my old ways”. I need to find a good psychiatrist asap – if you happen to know of one in the Detroit area, please feel free to e-mail me. I am so ready to confront the realities of my relationship. I just hope I can learn to love myself and heal the relationship with my beautiful wife so that we can be together in a happy, healthy, marriage. I know my wife’s sadness could be healed by her just leaving me – but she hasn’t yet and hopefully won’t soon but I need to get my behavior under control. I know it’s going to be hard. She tells me narcissists can’t be cured – is that true? Paul

    1. Hi Paul,

      You are welcome.

      I’m not going to go down the line of ‘because you are admitting this you can’t be”, because I know the information in my articles is accurate and you must have aligned with those definitions.

      What this means is that you are in narcissistic injury enough for your ego to have let go, to have some clarity – for now.

      There are some key things here. Psychologists and counsellors rarely identify narcissists, because the phenomenon of narcissism is a spiritual sickness, a submerged True Self replaced with a False Self, and the False Self (ego) can say or appear as anything to a psychologist, because that’s what a False Self does – it hides the real issues.

      It is ridiculous that contemporary diagnosis is supposedly the criteria..

      Also any cognitive joint counseling simply grants the ego an ‘equal / fair’ platform to project, blame and escape accountability, and therefore is even more damaging to the victim, and is terribly unsuccessful.

      Your challenge will be this Paul. Staying in humility long enough to get the real inner work done, so that your ego does not jump back into the driver’s seat, using justification to act the way it does.

      Because at these times when you are emotionally triggered, (extremely common for a narcissist) the mind’s operation matches the chemicals your body produces and you don’t have access to ‘peripheral awareness’.

      You are stuck in ”me versus you’ survival programs with no control of your mind.

      Wanting to heal your narcissism is going to put you in even more vulnerable, triggered, ( ‘I feel defenseless’) emotional situations.

      The truth is the original wounds that created your narcissism need to be addressed. The original wounds you suffered as a child, and these traumas need to be fully met and felt in order to released from your subconscious mind, (your cellular emotional network).

      The entire disease of narcissism is the False Self buffer avoiding these wounds.

      Then and only then is your brain-wiring going to reflect a New Self – if you admit, claim and heal these wounds.

      And then, and only then will you be able to lay down the intense defense mechanisms of your ego that your have built around these wounds, because you will be able to be safe without them.

      Are you prepared to confront your original wounds, embrace them and release them? Are you able to be with yourself at this level without self-avoidance and without using narcissistic supply, blame, projection or acting out to avoid and burn off the pain?

      Are you able to drop your ego, starve it, not feed it and stay with the wounds within to do the work? And know you can’t be the mask, the special omnipotent False Self, or seek significance whilst doing this work?

      Because as soon as you do, you will simply have reinforced the False Self again, rather than dissolve it. Which means – back at square one.

      These are the only ways a narcissist could ever heal, it would be nothing short of death, rebirth.

      Death of the False Self and a birth of the True Self.

      Any other level of healing will be wasting your time, and way too flimsy. Your ego would totally distort it and still remain at the helm defending the real issues.

      These are the questions you need to ask yourself. Your transformation truly would take ‘dying’ emotionally and spiritually..to have your True Self emerge…

      Please be assured many co-dependents have in fact gone through their death – rebirth experience with inner wounds – myself included.

      The only difference was we knew egoic defences were not the answer, and our life had become too unbearable in survival mode to continue that way.

      Forget cognitive therapy. You need much deeper work., work that can directly access your subconscious wounds and bypass your egoic logical mind defences. Plus you have to be willing to let those defences come down and stay down when working with powerful tools – otherwise they still won’t work.

      There is also the danger that as soon as you feel enough relief to get the False Self back up, that you will find all the logical reasons to not continue, and in your own mind it will be perfectly believable.

      False Selfs lie the most to their ‘owners’.

      I hope this information helps.

      Mel xo

  23. Hi Melanie,

    Just a follow-up . . .I just realized you are in Australia! not USA – I will do some research to find a good therapist here. Obviously any advice you can provide, I would appreciate. Although your site is geared to those whom have been abused by narcissists, I appreciate you acknowledging on your “For men” page that there are narcissists who seek help and want to become a better person. Paul

  24. Hi Mel,
    Thank you for your article.
    I was just wondering, there are times when I feel totally free of the narc. I can live my life freely and happily regardless of what he is or isn’t doing but then these feelings of freedom and joy can quickly turn back into co-dependent type feelings where I do care about what he is or isn’t doing. Does this switch of feelings lessen with time? Also whenever I do have moments of doubt and angst I try to do a module as soon as I can.
    Thanks again Mel
    Kally

    1. Hi Kally,

      You are very welcome.

      Yes, they do, but it takes work.

      This is the healing pathway / formula. Take the emotional pain to a Module – don’t try to fathom it out logically – because that only manufactures more fearful, painful peptides, reduces your connection to yourself and throws you into trying to get relief outside of yourself (which is not where your power is).

      Your answer, release and unhealed program is always INSIDE, and every ‘hurt’ that keeps appearing is letting you know there is something else to claim, feel and release on the inside.

      Keep doing the inner healing work consistently and you will break free.

      You just need to keep at it…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  25. Hi Anon,

    The ‘nausea’ is stating that you are not reconciled, or at peace with that.

    It is essential to make peace with ‘where we are at’ to go forward and not keeping dragging it forward with us.

    It is great that you have recognized that you are still in survival mode, and that’s okay and just where you are presently at. You know that the goal is to free your cells up of the pain, so that you can expand, so that you can ‘grow’ and ‘come out’…

    And truly the freedom and relief and joy will be SO worth it when your body, mind and soul opens up – because your life will reflect that new openness.

    The body being freed up, leads to everything else – it makes the space.

    You’re very welcome Anon.

    Mel xo

  26. Thankyou Melanie for continuing to update us all on the realities of life and the processes through which we have to go to heal ourselves and come home to ourself. All our higher self wants for us is to be at peace, and you’re right: when you have a healthy relationship with yourself, you really start to ‘feel’ this inner peace. I can relate to you saying that things still ‘come up’ and then you let them go and release out of you. I am experiencing some more deep shifts and staying in the power of NOW really helps!
    Thankyou for your loving connection to all of us.

    Linda May

    1. Hi Linda May,

      You are very welcome 🙂

      So true when we close the gap between Who We Really Are the emotional reality we may be living, there is an incredible peace that ensues…

      Absolutely things will always come up – because we are always growing, evolving, deciding what we don’t want in life, what parts of ourself still need releasing, and the creating more and more space to let the good stuff in!

      That is the joy of life, and without stuff to shift, we could not keep expanding and growing! Every time of have an experience of negative emotion, we have the ability to shore up another topic to create even greater wellbeing and alignment with ourself and life.

      Mel xo

  27. Dear Melanie,
    I feel you last article and radio show spoke straight to my heart. Thank you. It’s amazing how I no longer feel lonely after reading what you and others write here and when listening to the show.
    I feel I am now at stage where the next step in somewhere new, that I don’t know yet. I just hope my brain will not prevent this evolution. I am scared and when I am scared I become in my head and rational and distant. I want to be brave enough to accept good things in my life – how strange it is to know what comes next is good and still be in resistance. I fear intimacy because my parents were quite violent emotionally when I was quite small. And maybe it comes from past lives too. How can our hearts learn to not fear closeness? You say it’s through trusting ourselves. I have lived most of my life according to what is expected of me, holdind down a steady job for security but not passion. Older people say I am crazy to want to let go of my steady job! Specially in a country like mine. A change in profession would be a statement of who I am, but I feel my father would have a heart attack because he would be so worried. Maybe love doesn’t have to come after a change in carrier. I have to be brave. Thank you for your encouragement.

    1. Hi Jo,

      I am so glad you enjoyed them!

      It’s very important Jo to understand that our brain ALWAYS prevents our evolution! That is its natural state of operation! Unless we are very, very trained in staying positive, despite the emotional pain, confusion and doubt we are feeling – which can be a very tough ask!

      To make it easier and much more direct, need to connect with the deeper mind, the subconscious mind (which is your emotional cellular network throughout your body), because that is where the fear and pain is…Your mind simply latches on to ‘ways’ to try to avoid that pain and fear, but really just creates more of the same chemicals when trying to deal with it.

      How do our hearts learn not to fear closeness? The answer is – when we clear the pain and the fear out – that is related from our emotional body. It is about cleaning up the previous trauma.

      True love is unconditional – it has nothing to do with expectations that others have for you – it is about your opening up your heart and body (then the mind follows) to live your authentic life that does make your heart sing. There are no conditions on when you ‘deserve love’ apart from the ones you inflict on yourself.

      Jo, if you are not on NARP yet – it would highly recommend it – it holds the key you seek to move the fear and pain out of your body to achieve your goals.

      Mel xo

  28. Dear Melanie,
    I am fresh out of a 2 year relationship with a female narcissist and up until recently had no idea what the disorder even was. It was only until talking with my mother about all that happened that she suggested the possibility. I did the research and was floored.

    I saw the odd quirks along the way and chose to ignore them. After all when a person is in love they accept that nobody is perfect. Things as minor as picking her own clothes out of the laundry and only washing them. Never giving gifts during holidays, always buying the bare minimum if asked to pick something up. Money was borrowed at different times and never brought up again. I started to question her integrity.These were what I thought at the time as minor imperfections.

    As things progressed the bigger issues started to surface. I soon began to realize our passionate and crazy sex was all about what her needs were. Her controlling what was done and only how and when she wanted it. It was ok to share in her interests but mine were of no matter. My concerns and needs were not important. As long as I was making her happy we were ok.

    This woman is a well respected high school teacher and I always thought it odd she had no real friends. She had a few ex students that doted over her and she loved the attention she recieved from them. She was very much a loner and only talked of her good friends that did not live in the area.

    The devaluation phase crept in as I soon grew tired of paying for the majority of our fun and necessities. I started to realize and see the selfishness in her actions. Her charm was beginning to wear thin. She often brought up things she would like us to do but would never follow through. I still loved her but knew something wasn’t right. She then shut herself down and my instincts were in overdrive. She started to blame me for things she was actually doing and would not ever give me an opprotunity to respond. I was confused by her actions and fighting to keep us together. I could not understand how all we had started to build in 2 years was that easy to just throw away. A month before she was telling her daughter and me that we were a family. Now cold and distant. When asked if there was somebody else she would deny with certainty in her responses. I then found out she had already moved on to her next source. I was and honestly still am devastated.

    I was left feeling like it was my fault. All she was blaming me for was maybe true. I should have did this or maybe if I had done that she would still be here. The truth is I had moved to the next level in the relationship and the narcissist is not capable of that. I am still reeling from the blow and find it very hard to understand how she found it that easy to walk away. I feel like I was duped and it feels like our relationship was just a dream. Here and now suddenly gone. I cant help but still love her and get angry at myself for doing so. Where did this beautiful woman go that I fell in love with. I ask myself if she misses me and find it hard to believe she has no empathy. I am mad the woman I loved and tried so hard with never existed. How could that that be?

    Thanks for the words of encouragent in your columns. They are uplifting and help on shedding light on a dark subject.

    Ron

    1. Hi Ron,

      That is wonderful that you now have access to information which can help you make sense out of the madness.

      It is incredibly consistent that narcissists project the fault on to you. The ‘fault’ is not what the narcissist claims you did or didn’t do – because there is no hoops that can be jumped through high enough or often enough to appease the bottomless pit of the False Self – which is terminally dissatisfied.

      The dissatisfaction, of course, is coming from the narcissist’s disordered parts, which the narcissist cannot and does not take responsibility for.

      It is also incredibly common for the narcissist to organise another immediate source of narcissist supply – that is how narcissist’s remain in denial about these parts, and avoid themself.

      What is important for you now is the inner journey into your own unhealed parts that led you into narcissistic abuse – that is where your true liberation and evolution lies.

      The woman you feel in love was a mirage – she didn’t exist. It was a relationship with False Self who ensnared you into handing over narcissistic supply.

      The bigger picture irony is – as a result of a relationship with her – you now have the opportunity to heal, find and claim your True Self.

      That’s really what has taken place…

      Mel xo

  29. Hi Melanie,
    Thankyou for the information in your radio programme.I lived on government handouts for 2 years because I did not want to work after all the abuse I put up with in my last job.Things are obviously on the up and I am waiting for those activities that bring me joy to come onto my radar. I’m not wasting my energy looking for them , I know they will show up without much effort.In the last 10 years I have either had therapy or received guidance from at least 7 women who have had their spiritual rebirth , but not one man. Why are the men who have had a spiritual rebirth so thin on the ground or maybe it’s just me and what I have attracted to me. I do have lovely aspects from my natal moon to north node, chiron and venus which denote a natural affinity with the divine feminine/holy spirit.Men need to be involved more as teachers and guides but they all will have to go through the divine feminine to get there , there is no way around it.
    I feel like my memories of being told how bad I was as a child are causing me doubt my worth, I feel alot of pain and guilt, I think I will listen to a quanta healing module later.

    Love and blessings

  30. Mel,

    Thanks for the kind words. It is a slow process but Im gaining the ground to healing. I find myself consumed by reading about narcissism lately. I guess I keep reading about it because I am still in utter disbelief. My findings and some of the blogs I have read are almost text for what I dealt with. She couldnt give me closure so I find myself looking for answers on the net. She was telling me she loved me on her way out the door heading to the guy she was already seeing. Vacationing with him, with her 6 year old daughter within 2 weeks of dropping me. Her daughter was hugging me goodbye the last day we were together. It has ripped me apart and it hurts terrible. This woman goes to church with her parents! She is a respected teacher and Im now hearing rumers she was asked to leave her last job for a relationship outside of school with an ex student. This woman, the first year together seemed like a saint. Nobody, family included saw this coming. As I said before I saw signs but again nobody is perfect and the average person would look at these things as just odd little behaviors. Can a narcissist really walk away with no feeling or remorse? I am completely baffled by this. I loved her and her daughter. I gave up so much for her and I just dont understand how I could be spit on like that. Can a person really blank out the dispicable things they do and still look in the mirror every day? I have read so much but can you please help me understand her thought process in a simple form. I think thats what a lot of us are trying to gain from reading these posts.

    Your writing is spirtual and I do find your information very helpful. Thank you for the great work and commitment to to help us try to understand.

    Ron

    1. Hi Ron,

      you are very welcome.

      Truly there is a 90 / 10 rule with recovery.

      90% focus on healing our own unhealed wounds – and only 10% focus (if that) on narcissistic information – once you have established ‘what a narcissist is’.

      It is so important to not keep our focus on ‘them’ as a distraction from doing the real work on ourselves. That equals how to stay stuck.

      There is no closure other than recognising and healing the parts of ourselves that attracted and maintained relationships with narcissists – and then all relief and empowerment is gained.

      Many narcissists Ron have a ‘wonderful’ public persona – in fact most do.

      Yes – absolutely they do. Narcissists are not brain-wired like non-narcissists. Their emotional intelligence is stifled somewhere between 3 – 7 years of age.

      According to the self-absorbed narc – he or she was wronged (the dummy spit on not having the False Self catered to enough)…

      The emotional intelligence to have compassion, empathy, a peripheral or any genuine understanding of their behaviour simply does not exist – just as a child throwing a tantrum can’t comprehend reality.

      Mel xo

  31. I just found this website after searching for answers after a 7 1/2 month relationship with a Narc. It has helped me come to terms with how they operate and why I fell into that dance with him. It has been very hard to understand the reasons why someone would behave the way he behaved. I fell into it because he tapped into my own feelings of being unloved as a child.

    When I first met him I was feeling really strong, but the insidious nature of his narcisstic behaviors were very confusing for me and I found myself being dragged into this old pattern of trying to understand why I could not be loved.

    I am so grateful that I am done with him….moving on and understanding. I am feeling stronger again, but know I must continue the work I started so that I can truly love myself and allow it into my life.

    Thank you very much for your insight!

    Christina

  32. Mel,

    I awoke this morning with a heavy heart and so many thoughts on my mind. I have read this article before and commented, mostly in anger towards what I have been through recently. It has been 2 months and although Im still in pain I am gradually seeing that this person did me a favor by leaving, as harsh as she was in the way. After reading this again this morning you have litteraly brought tears to my eyes. It makes me realize a lot of things and they are not just about one bad relationship. It is a article on deep reflection and I guess wasnt quite ready to understand your true meaning. Your writing is beautiful and it’s up to us to follow through. Thank you for having the gift to give people insight. As bad as we can feel you are a testimony that hope and healing exists.

    Ron

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  35. I’m new to the NARP community and I started my journey here believing I was in a horrible relationship with a narcist, but after reading this article I’m wondering how much of the ugliness wasn’t due to my own narcistic tendencies. I really have a long journey ahead of me to hopefully make things right, and I would say “again”, but my relationships have never been “right” in the first place.

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